ONCE AGAIN, it’s that time of the year when news and entertainment websites come up with a review of the events that transpired over the past 12 months. Some have already published their TOP 10 lists. TIME Magazine, for instance has the Top 10 of Everything of 2010 while PEOPLE magazine has its Best of 2010.
Beginning today, The Professional Heckler will be posting his own lists of the year’s bad, best, bald and Kris Aquino – plus, some year-end citations. Today’s post will be the first in a 3-part series. So sit back, relax, and enjoy… 2010: The Top 5 of Whatever!
TOP 5 FEUDS/FIGHTS
Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino vs. Nacionalista’s Manny Villar (2010 Elections)
– Kapag binato ka ng bato (na pinulot sa C5 road), batuhin mo ng pekeng psychiatric evaluation reports. Kapag ‘di pa rin umubra, ang nanay mong ‘higit otsenta, iharap sa camera. Kapag ‘di pa rin kumita, mag-concede ka na habang kumakanta, “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura/ Nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada?”
Balay Group vs. Samar Group
– Kampanya pa lang may ‘balyahan’ na sa pagitan ng dalawang grupo. Pero ano ang sabi ng palasyo? Walang feud between Balay and Samar. Akala n’yo lang wala! Pero meron, meron, meron! Pak!
ABS-CBN vs. Willie Revillame
– For the love of money is the root of all lawsuits.
RH Bill Proponents vs. Pro-Life Advocates
Binantaan ng excommunication ang presidente. Ikinulong si Carlos Celdran. Nagkagiriian ang pro-life at pro-RH bill groups sa labas ng Manila Cathedral. Pinagbawalan ang DOH na mamahagi ng condom. And then suddenly, “Report: Pope approves use of condom to prevent diseases.” Whoa! Did anyone see that coming? Na-ah. Again, to the anti-RH bill people: Hindi kami makikialam sa inyong relihiyon, ‘wag n’yo lang pakialaman ang aming konstitusyon.
DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno vs. the Whole World
– “Bungled hostage rescue + jueteng controversy” are no match for “guns + shooting buddy.” Ikaw na ang maging best friend ng presidente! Ano ka ba talaga Usec? Puno o pusa? Siyam kasi ang buhay mo eh.
Honorable Mention (Feuds/Fights):
Former Sen. Dick Gordon vs. survey/research firms
Sen. Chiz Escudero vs. Mar Roxas & Korina Sanchez
Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Juana Change
Alpha Phi Omega Fraternity vs. DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima
Kris Aquino vs. James Yap
Kris Aquino vs. Mayen Austria
Kris Aquino vs. Atty. Lorna Kapunan
Kris Aquino vs. “Kris Aquino’s Despedida” Facebook Like Page fans
Kris Aquino vs. “them” (inside her head)
TOP 5 “MAANG-MAANGAN” MOMENTS
Joseph Estrada’s “junking” of runningmate Jejomar Binay
– TV footage and photos prove it. Estrada did not vote for a vice presidential candidate last May 10. Sought for comment on the issue, Estrada initially admitted skipping the VP slot but “returned” and then corrected it. How in hell could he correct a ballot that had already been fed to the PCOS machine? “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
President Aquino on Donald Tsang’s missed calls
– At the height of the Manila hostage crisis, Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang tried to reach President Aquino twice but to no avail. Later, the president was quoted to have said: “Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.” Tell that to the angry Chinese!
DILG Usec Rico E. Puno on jueteng emissaries
– “Marami pong lumapit sa akin na padala ng mga taong may kinalaman sa jueteng. Ilan po sa kanila ay kaibigan ko pa.” But when asked to identify at least one of those jueteng emissaries, walang maalala ang punyeta! Nilapitan ka ng jueteng emissary, pinapasok mo sa iyong opisina, kinausap mong parang bisita, ‘tapos ni pangalan ng isa ‘di mo maalala? Leche flan ka!
Secretary Ricky Carandang on Mai Mislang’s tweets
“We warned her to be more careful with her tweets,” thus said Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Secretary Ricky Carandang on Mai Mislang. For chrisssakes, Ricky, you were tweeting her! You were the one who asked about the taste of the wine in Vietnam. Did you advise her to be more circumspect during that very public Twitter exchange? No. As the poet Juvenal in Satire VI asked, “Who will guard the guardian themselves?”
Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda on jueteng
Asked about alleged gambling operations in Pampanga, former presidential kumare, Governor Lilia Pineda categorically stated there’s no jueteng in her province. I’ve said this before and I’m saying this now: To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Chocolate Hills in Bohol.
TOP 5 “TUMABI KAYO, NAGWAWALA ANG LOLA/LOLO N’YO” MOMENTS (a.k.a. Outbursts of the Year)
CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing
– Reporters covering the Commission on Human Rights were shocked when CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing suddenly went ballistic. Ang dahilan: ang arrangement ng pagkakaupo ng mga mamamahayag. Channeling her inner GMA, Quisumbing told the journalists:
“If you’re not in my line of sight, I am not going to talk to you. If you’re not going to listen to me and position yourselves as I am asking you to, I am just gonna walk out the door. Do you all hear me? (Yes, ma’am!) Ano?!? (Yes, ma’am!) I don’t hear all of you! (Yes, ma’am!) Ikaw, naka-green shirt, hindi kita kilala, I’m not going to take any of your questions. The lady with the white undershirt, what’s your name? You should be nicer to the person you want to interview. Be polite and you answer ok?”
Quisumbing’s outburst reminded me of a bumper sticker that read, “It’s called PMS because mad cow disease is already taken.” For her misplaced ego, Coco loco will also receive a special citation: “Bitchin’ for No Reason Syndrome Award.” Congratulations!
Mayor Alfredo Lim
– “Pulis lang! (sabay suntok sa mesa) Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! Remember that!!” Sige po, tatandaan po namin ‘yan mayor. ‘Wag kayong mag-alala, hindi kami madaling makalimot. Even ‘yong utos n’yo sa mga pulis na “Sa Tondo na dalhin ‘yan” referring to the brother of the hostage taker, hindi po namin kakalimutan. Pero wait lang Mayor, curious lang kami, ano ba talagang meron sa Tondo? Bang!
– “Kayong mga justices, mga P.I. kayo! Pinatay n’yo ang criminal justice system. Mga P.I. kayo!” After expressing his “disgust” over the Supreme Court’s decision on the Vizconde massacre case, Jimenez resigned as president of the anti-crime group Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption (VACC). He said he’s willing to go to the mountains to make his sentiments known, if necessary. Well, timing ka sir! Baka kailangan ng kapalit ni Ka Roger.
Teresita Ang See
– In the IIRC hearings, Ang See castigated RMN news anchors Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas for obstructing and interfering with the negotiations during the Manila hostage crisis. Already irritated by the RMN anchors’ reasoning, Ang See even got more annoyed because of Tulfo’s fake American accent.
Baby Villar-Benedicto (Sister of Sen. Manny Villar)
– Questioned why they are letting their 86-year-old mother speak before the cameras, Baby Villar-Benedicto took a swipe at the Aquino camp saying, “Sino bang hindi ginagamit ang Nanay? Eh patay na nga ang nanay nila, ginagamit pa nila!” Wow, leveling!
TOP 5 “DID S/HE REALLY SAY THAT?!” STATEMENTS
“How much is galunggong? I don’t know. I’m a vegetarian.”
– Ex-senator Jamby Madrigal’s defense when attendees in a UP presidential forum heckled her after she failed to give the accurate price of galunggong. Again, that’s vegetarian, not vagitarian. Two different things.
“Well, well, I am sure that after your marriage, you had some insertions.”
– Sen. Aquilino Pimentel to Sen. Mar Roxas during Senate’s heated debate on the alleged C5 road project budget insertions of Senator Villar. Mr. Palengke was offended by the quip and sought an apology from the veteran politician. Moral of the story: When in Senate, do not crack jokes about cracks.
“’Pinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami, ngunit sa uluhan po namin ay nakita ko, hindi po Barack Obama ang kanyang pangalan. Alam n’yo po kung ano? Gib Obama, Gibo Obama.”
– Pastor Apollo Quiboloy’s official statement when he announced his endorsement of presidential candidate Gilbert Teodoro || Good thing he said he saw the name, “Gibo Obama.” Akala ko ang nakita niya, “Gibo Loy.” Anyway, that was lame. That was crap. That was so Quiboloy.
“I am going to be a blessing to others.”
– Hayden Kho Jr. after the Pasig City RTC dismissed the sex video scandal case filed against him by actress Katrina Halili || ‘Blessing to others’ ba ‘ka mo?! Blessing mo’ng bay*g mo!
“Hindi nagka-strike yesterday. ‘Yong mga driver na-late po ang pagpasok. Karamihan ng driver ay walang cellphone, o kaya ang cellphone ay mahina ang baterya kaya pinapatay nila pagdating sa bahay. ‘Pag matutulog, pinapatay.”
– IMBOA president and former jukebox artist Claire de la Fuente denying that bus operators staged a transport holiday last Nov. 15 in protest of the number coding scheme | Hoy Claire! Oo, ikaw! Kung ang mga tax collector ng BIR, kaya mong paikutin ng ilang beses, kami… hindi! Sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez: You can fool me once. You can fool me twice. You can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four! Lowbatt your face!
“Justice and power must be brought together, so that whatever is just may be powerful, and whatever is powerful may be just.”
Top 5 Heroes
Top 5 Villains
Top 5 Biggest Duds of the Year
Top 5 “Pansinin N’yo Naman Ako!” Moments
“Eeew!” Photo of the Year
Awkward Moment of the Year
And a lot more! Abangan!
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