ICYMI: 2015, THE FIRST HALF

14 06 2015

IT’S TIME for the midyear recap again. Ang bilis ng taon! Here are some of my favorite posts from the previous [almost] six months. In case you missed it…


Jinggoy’s Son
Detained senator Jinggoy Estrada was allowed to attend the high school graduation rites of his son at OB Montessori. An ecstatic Jinggoy said, “I’m so proud of him finishing school.” Filipino taxpayers added, “It was all worth it naman pala.”

Taxes
The BIR has a TV ad that shows where your taxes go: infrastructure, education, and social services. Politicians were offended by the apparent snub.

Bullying
Vice President Binay said there should be a law against “bullying public officials.” It will be called “An Act To Prevent Ordinary People From Bullying Those Who Most Certainly Deserve It.”

2016
Political analysts say a presidential candidate needs a campaign war chest of about 10 to 15 billion pesos. That’s the amount you need to apply for “the job.” And of course, you have to answer questions like, “Where do you see yourself depositing your loot in six years?”

President Aquino advised Filipino voters to reject shady politicians in 2016. This has prompted Nancy and Junjun Binay to call the President “racist.”

Several local government officials sponsored a public viewing of the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight last Sunday. It was live and it was free. So thank you Governor, thank you Mayor, thank you Kagawad, and most of all, thank you 2016!

Untitled
In an apparent dig at senator Grace Poe, Vice President Binay says the country needs leaders with “experience and competence.” Which begs the question, “Why did you let Nancy run?

Papal Visit
Pope Francis is in the Philippines for a 5-day pastoral and state visit. Or as many Filipino Catholics call it, “Good Behavior Observance Week.”

Responding to Pope Francis’s message to Filipinos, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle said, “Every Filipino wants to go with you.” And then there was a boisterous applause. Tagle continued, “Every Filipino wants to go with you, not to Rome, but to the peripheries.” And then there was silence. Everyone was like, “Ano raw?! Spell!”

In one of his homilies, the Pope said, “The devil is the father of lies.” He didn’t say though if it’s a congressman, a governor, a senator, a mayor, or a vice president. Basta, mag-ama.

1Bnay
Now it can be told. Security was very tight during the papal visit because there was indeed a threat to disrupt the event. Thankfully, authorities were able to neutralize… Carlos Celdran.

Filipinos learned a lot from the five-day pastoral visit of Pope Francis. They learned to be more disciplined, patient and forgiving. They also learned how to pronounce “nunciature.”

Statement Shirts
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle urges Roman Catholics to wear a ‘Huwag Kang Magnakaw” shirt during the Visita Iglesia this coming Holy Week. Or to be more specific, wear a ‘Huwag Kang Mayor,’ ‘Huwag Kang Senador’ or ‘Huwag Kang Congressman’ shirt.

Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle urges Catholics to wear a ‘Huwag Kang Magnakaw’ shirt this Holy Week. Some politicians took offense and vowed to wear a ‘Huwag Kayong Tumanggap ng Donasyon Mula Sa Amin’ shirt.

Fake Priest
The CBCP is warning Catholics about the activities of a fake priest who scammed parishioners in Luzon and Metro Manila. The fake priest officiates masses and solicits money. As opposed to real priests who officiate masses and solicit money.

Ratings
President Aquino’s approval and trust ratings dropped to their lowest levels since he assumed office in 2010. His numbers have fallen. Worse, ER Ejercito is making a movie about it.

Uncle Peping
Former congressman Jose ‘Peping’ Cojuangco wants President Aquino to step down. He said, “I believe God’s hand is now moving in favor of major reforms this country needs.” When sought for comment on Cojuangco’s statement, God said, “Sino ‘yon?”

miss uMiss Universe
The 63rd edition of the Miss Universe pageant concludes Monday morning (Manila time) in Florida. Pre-pageant activities were held last week. In the talent portion, Miss China built an illegal structure on the stage.

Pia and Noy
Reports say President Aquino is dating newly-crowned Bb. Pilipinas Universe, Pia Wurtzbach. Why not? Pia is well-bred, the President is well-bred. Pia is single, the President is single. Pia is gorgeous, the President is single. Let’s give them a chance.

Slow
In terms of Internet speed, the Philippines ranks 21st out of 22 countries in Asia. Our Internet connection is so slow, the punchline of this joke is still loading.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”
~Craig Ferguson

1GPTTSound Bites
“… a foundling found in the Philippines is presumed, in the absence of contrary proof, to have Filipino biological parents. Since Grace Poe was found near a church in Jaro, Iloilo, when she was only a few days old, her parents are presumed to be Filipinos. Therefore, she is a natural-born citizen.”
~Former Supreme Court Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jinggoy, Grace Poe, Toby Tiangco/Inquirer.Net; Pope Francis: Rappler]





2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

13 04 2015

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

1Clinton
Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

1ClintonSpecial Offer
Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
———————————————————————————————————————–
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]





UNANIMOUS

14 04 2014

THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Holy Week has officially started. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as MRT riders would say, “everyday.”

0
As in the previous years, the Senate will stage its own version of the senakulo. Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada were unanimously chosen to play the role of the two thieves crucified with Jesus.

Of course, someone’s going to wash his hands during the play. Guess who’s invited to play Pontius Pilate? MRT General Manager Al Vitangcol.

Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus was rewarded with 30 pieces of silver. No one among the 24 senators was willing to play the part when they were told by Kim Henares that the reward was taxable.

The Senate has invited actress Anne Curtis to play Mary Magdalene. Anne insists on playing a part in the Last Supper scene. She can’t wait for the wine to be served.

President Aquino has taped his Holy Week message to Filipinos. In the 45-second video, he blamed GMA for the arrest and crucifixion of Jesus.

The annual exodus of Filipinos to the provinces for the Holy Week has begun. To avoid long lines in bus terminals, palace spokesman Sonny Coloma has a brilliant suggestion. Ride an airplane.

While Filipinos are on vacation, oil companies are reportedly implementing oil price increases. It’s their way of observing ‘Mahal na Araw.’

11Pacquiao Scores
Manny Pacquiao reclaimed the WBO welterweight title with a unanimous decision victory over Timothy Bradley. With the win, Pacquiao believes his journey as a boxer will continue. Here’s hoping that his journey as a politician will soon end.

The fight lasted 12 rounds. For two judges, it was 116-112 and for another, 118-110 – all in favor of Mommy Dionisia.

Timothy Bradley is undefeated no more. For the first time in his professional career, he tasted defeat. Bradley has realized that nothing in this world is permanent – except for Chavit Singson’s presence in every Pacquiao fight.

After watching the multimillion dollar world title fight, Manny’s wife Jinkee was overcome with emotion. While her husband was celebrating inside the ring, Jinkee was crying as she thought about the hardwork, the perseverance, and the BIR.

Online reports say Jinggoy Estrada watched the Pacquiao-Bradley fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. He almost stole the show.

1BongHaydenHoly Trip!
Last week, Hayden Kho and Bong Revilla bumped into each other in the Holy Land – which probably explains the reported sudden drop in the level of holiness of that land recently.

Bong Revilla is back from a trip to the Holy Land. The embattled actor says he “expects to be arrested anytime.” To which, Filipino taxpayers said, ‘Hopefully.’

Lotto
The PCSO has denied online allegations it rigged the P250M Grand Lotto draw recently. A Muntinlupa City resident was declared the lone winner in that draw. I’m not sure about the rigging but for me, the worst thing about the lotto is that I haven’t won the jackpot.
———————————————————
“The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy.”
~William Hazlitt

Sound Bites
“Habang nagbabakbakan sila, nagpi-pray ako. Ipinagdadasal kong pabagsakin ni Manny si Bradley.”
~Mommy Dionisia

Poll Results
Anong evening newscast ang madalas mong pinapanood?

TV Patrol 30.21%
24 Oras 24.26%
State of the Nation (SONA) 9.57%
Depende sa content. Minsan, iba’t iba, 9.57%
Solar Network News 9.15%
Aksyon (TV5) 7.02%
Bandila 4.26%
Others 3.4%
Saksi 1.49%
Solar Nightly News 0.85%
Pilipinas News (TV5) 0.21%
News+ (Studio 23) 0%

Have a safe vacation/staycation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Agence France Presse, Hayden Kho]





“HE’S BACK!”

24 11 2013

napoles
CONGRATULATIONS Manny Pacquiao! You were impressive in that sparring session.

Boxing analysts lauded Manny Pacquiao for his speed. Some typhoon victims wished he was the government.

Did you guys watch the fight? Manny Pacquiao is back! Unfortunately, so is Chavit Singson.

If you looked closely at Manny Pacquiao’s blue trunks, you would‘ve noticed some prominent labels such as No Fear, LBC, Café Puro, Motolite, Ricoa, and Office of the Vice President.

Brandon Rios was simply outboxed. Of the 502 punches thrown, Rios landed 138. But President Aquino told Christiane Amanpour the figure was “too much.”

According to CompuBox, Brandon Rios landed 138 punches. He’s one lucky guy. In the Philippines, people could only dream of punching a lawmaker.

Compubox statistics showed Manny Pacquiao landed 281 punches. But Rios only landed 138 – prompting Korina Sanchez to quip, “hindi mo alam ang ginagawa mo.”

An irritated Rios replied, “You should have visited Macau and watched the fight yourself. I’m sure your husband has the means to arrange a flight.”

Reports say Manny Pacquiao is guaranteed to receive 18 million to 30 million dollars. That’s almost 1.3 billion pesos. Or as Janet Napoles would say, “Maliit!”

Untitled
Mommy Dionisia was at ring side during the Pacquiao-Rios fight in Macau. It was a double victory for Pacman and Pacmom. Aling Dionisia was awarded Best in National Costume.

Jinkee Pacquiao is three months pregnant. According to Manny Pacquiao, God told him (via a dream) he’s going to have a baby boy. Sought for reaction, God said, “Wala akong alam d’yan!”

With Pacquiao’s latest victory, observers predict Mommy Dionisia will probably get a new bag, and Jinkee Pacquiao will probably get a new face.
———————————————————-
“The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory. Thats the essence of it.”
~ Vince Lombardi

Sound Bites
“This isn’t about my comeback. My victory is a symbol of my people’s comeback from a natural disaster, a national tragedy. It’s really important to bring honor to my country with this win.”
~ Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe week ahead! Welcome back Pacquiao!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Getty Images, Michael Josh Villanueva)





Cirque du soLOL

2 10 2012

“Parang nagiging circus naman itong filing. This is a very dignified process. Hindi naman dapat sinasamantala para magkampanya.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Brillantes Jr.

THE UNOFFICIAL campaign period for the 2013 midterm elections has officially started. Aspiring public servants trooped to the Commission on Elections to file their certificates of candidacy.


It’s circus meets carnival meets rigodon meets town fiesta meets beauty pageant meets sapin-sapin festival. Colorful!

Ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the Commission on Elections, Attorney Sixto S. Brillantes Jr!

“Bakit naman kailangang may introduction pa? ‘Kaw talaga. Anyway, let me take this opportunity to remind everyone na walang extension ang filing of COCs. Hanggang alas-singko lang ‘yan ngayong Biyernes. Maraming salamat. Now, I am honored to present to you some of the early birds na nag-file na ng kanilang COC. Pero bago ‘yan, click n’yo muna ang music video para mas ganahan tayong lahat. Click now…

Mga kababayan, kayo na ang bahalang humusga! Live mula sa tanggapan ng Commission on Elections sa Intramuros, Manila… please welcome, the candidates for senator of the Republic of the Philippines! Let’s start with…

“Hola! Ako po si Loren ‘Luntian’ Legarda. Dalaga! I am an NPC bet supported by the Nacionalistas within the LP coalition, and endorsed by PDP-Laban within the UNA Coalition. I am the Inception of Philippine politics. I thank you.

NEXT!

“Itutuloy ko po ang laban ng mga mahihirap sa tulong ng aking salaping limpak-limpak! Oh yeah, I am so back. And surprise, surprise… Liberal na ako, whether you like it or not! Repeat after me: Ja-ja-ja-Jamby!”

NEXT!

“Aaminin ko, I did not see this coming: si Jamby at ako sa iisang partido! Think Sharon and Piolo sa iisang kuwarto. Oh my gulay! Hanep na ang buhay dahil may hanapbuhay! Ayos ba ang segue? Cynthia Villar po ng Nacionalista Party.”

NEXT!

“Maayong udto! Lumayas man ako ng partido; inagawan man ako ng trabaho, at nawala man ang misis ko… lalaban pa rin ako! I’m very single and can’t wait to mingle… Koko Pimentel!”

NEXT!

“Bawal ang overweight, bawal ang double chin! Dapat lahat sexy, dapat lahat ay thin. Isusulong ko ang weight loss at tamang dieting. No to obesity, Yes to Tingting! Ang nag-iisang asawa ni Peping!”

NEXT!

“Juan Ponce Enrile Jr! Inuulit ko: J U A N P O N C E E N R I L E Jr. #nuffsaid”

NEXT!

“Angara sa kapitolyo. Angara sa Kongreso. Angara sa Senado. Angara ng buhay n’yo! Ang proud son ng Aurora… Sonny Angara!”

NEXT!

“(Sus! Sobra namang hardsell si Sonny. Ako naman!) My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay nasa Senado, hindi siya baboy-damo! Hello! JV Ejercito Estrada po. Handang-handa na sa Senado sa ayaw o sa gusto ng Kuya Jinggoy ko!

NEXT:

“Mag-ama! Mag-kuya! Hayys… ano ba namang Senado ‘to? Wala na bang iba? Kaya ang sigaw ng marami: ibalik ang mag-Ate! Ako po ang nakababatang kapatid ni Senadora Pia: Alan Peter Compañero Cayetano: LP ang kakampi inspite of Ja-jamby!

NEXT!

“Ako po si Mitos Magsaysay. Ako ay ”

NEXT!

“Teka lang. Grabe ka naman Chairman. Wala pa akong nasasabi. Sigurado akong kagagawan na naman ito ng Malacañang! Hmpf! Mag-a-RT na nga lang ako ng tweet! RT @tribuneonline Stalled at Noy’s daang matuwid via tribune.net.ph”

NEXT!

“O, wait, teka lang, sandali lang girls. Relax lang kayoooo! Akala n’yo si Ninoy Aquino ‘to ‘noh?! Nagkakamali kayoooo! Mas bata, mas mataba at mas guwapo ako do’n! Tatakbo ako para tumulong, kumalinga at minsan, magpakilig sa inyooooo. Ako nga po pala ang dating National Youth Commission chairman at TOYM awardee na si Paolo Benigno “Bam” A. Aquino IV, ang Mr. Pogi ng Liberal Party!

NEXT!

O, boys… relax lang kayo. Akala n’yo trapo ako ‘no. Nagkakamali kayoooo! Chos! Nagbibiro lang po. Si Manong Ernie Maceda po ito… maubusan man ako ng lakas, matuyuan man ako ng katas, walang makakapantay sa akin sa paggawa ng batas! Promise!

NEXT!

Joey De Venecia po… napadaan lang. Putik na survey ‘yan! OkThanksBye!


“AT SUMAINYO ang ilan sa mga nais maglingkod sa bayan! Ang iba pang kandidato… abangan! Paalala lang: meron pa kayo hanggang Biyernes upang mag-file ng inyong certificate of candidacy. Thank you. This is your chairman of House Targaryen, Sixto S. Brillantes Jr. Mabuhay!
———————————-
“Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.”
~ Gore Vidal

Cybercrime Law
The controversial Cybercrime Law authored by EDGARDO ANGARA will take effect at 12:01 AM of October 3. The ************ senators ******** can’t possibly ******* on the ******* of it,  right?

Freest
Reports say Filipino Internet users are the freest in Asia and the sixth freest in the world. And Edgardo Angara was like, “’Yon ang akala n’yo!”

Imelda
Online reports say former First Lady Imelda Marcos is in favor of the entire Cybercrime Law. To report that Imelda Marcos favors the Cybercrime Law is like announcing that Chris Tiu will be cheering for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the UAAP Finals. #expected

Jinkee P
Jinkee Pacquiao is running for vice governor of Sarangani. As for the reason behind her decision to join politics, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

From Cyberspace and I So Agree

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: UNA/LP/Brillantes from Inquirer.Net]





THE FIRST SIX MONTHS

12 09 2012

HERE’S A COMPILATION of some of my favorite items from January to June this year.

January 2012
Feng shui master Joseph Chau declares President Aquino will be lucky in love in the coming Year of the Water Dragon. In other news, another feng shui master predicts Mr. Chau will lose his credibility this year.

According to feng shui master Joseph Chau, President Aquino will be lucky in love this year adding that, “The First Lady is coming out.” To which, Secretary Mar Roxas said, “Don’t look at me.”

A feng shui expert says, in the coming Year of the Water Dragon, President Aquino will be a lucky man ‘romantically’. I wonder at whose expense.

Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

Enrile, Cuevas and Facebook
Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.

Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.

February 2012
Liberal Party stalwart and senator-judge Franklin Drilon believes Chief Justice Renato Corona has unexplained wealth. An offended Corona retaliated and accused Drilon of having ‘unexplained health.’

Unfair
Pampanga 3rd District Rep. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. has filed House Resolution No. 2140 to appeal to the local TV and movie industry to “minimize, prevent, or stop” depicting congressmen as “villains or crooks” in movies and telenovelas. Simply put, Gonzales is teling movie and TV producers to lie.

Cong. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting congressmen as crooks. In a related news, a congregation of crocodiles is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting them as congressmen.

Singles
According to a study, there are 13 million single females and 16 million single males in the Philippines today. They are further categorized into two: ‘by choice,’ and ‘no choice.’

The Other Woman
Two women are now fighting over Cong. Iggy Arroyo’s remains: Aleli Arroyo, the legal wife, and Grace Ibuna, the live-in partner. Guess who’s going to win it big. Lorna Kapunan.

Grace Lee
President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.

Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.

Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.

James and Kris
Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.

March 2012
In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month – that time of the year when most fires are not prevented.

Deadly
In Manila, a man was stabbed following a dispute over a popular computer game. And my friend was like, “Holy sh*t, is the President safe?”

“The Hunger Games” tells the story of the rich and the powerful manipulating the poor and the helpless. It’s a huge hit among Filipinos. It’s OUR story.

In Indonesia, an eight-year-old boy smokes more than a pack of cigarettes per day. Observers believe the boy has a good chance of becoming president someday.

The Rich
A GMANewsTV special report found that 98 percent of incumbent congressmen were millionaires. The remaining 2 percent are slowly catching up.

April 2012
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.

Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

Traffic
CNNGo.Com named Manila as the world’s third worst city for driving. That is totally unfair. Manila should have at least placed second.

May 2012
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”

No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.

Evil
THE PASAY CITY government is monitoring the concert of pop star Lady Gaga amid fears of some groups that she’ll perform “evil” acts. I wonder who is monitoring the day-to-day activities of the Pasay City government.

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza says Lady Gaga is known for her offensive racy getups. Somebody must tell Atienza that his forever floral shirts are equally offensive.

The MMDA warned motorists to avoid all roads near the venue of Lady Gaga’s concert. Traffic’s going to be HELL.

Mrs. Villar
Everyone’s talking about the TV ad of Villar Foundation, Inc. The premature campaigning advertisement features former Congresswoman Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, wife of Sen. Manny Villar. The title of the ad is “Walang kadala-dala.”

June 2012
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda admits, “the President’s humor is dry.” Among other things.

Bi-Noy
Vice President Jejomar Binay was quoted to have said that he didn’t want to compare himself with President Aquino saying, “we’re not comparing apple to apple.” Sige, let’s say apple to duhat. Puwede na ba ‘yon?

Chasing Diapers
Multi-Grammy British pop artist Adele is pregnant with her first child. She is re-writing one of her songs and calling it ‘Rolling in the Crib.’

K to 12
According to a recent Social Weather Stations survey, 65 percent of Filipinos support the K to 12 program of the Department of Education… while 100 percent of Filipinos were wondering what on earth was “K to 12.”

Part-Time
According to the Department of Labor and Employment, more Filipinos are now working “part-time.” Then President Aquino said, “Don’t you give me that look!”

Longevity
According to a new study, children sired by older dads are going to live longer. President Aquino’s future kids are a lucky bunch.

Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.

Vice Governor Salvador?
Reports say actor Phillip Salvador will run for vice governor of Bulacan. Observers were shocked at his decision to run and were even more shocked to learn that he was from Bulacan.
————————————
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”
~Edward Gibbon

Flashback
The year was 2009. Then Senator Mar Roxas spoke against the “kaaswangan’ that was the proposed measure to amend the charter through Constituent Assembly. I wonder if his wife also keeps a stash of garlic to ward off those “maliliit and maiitim na maligno.”

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





AND STILL… (FOR US)

10 06 2012

THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP, Manny Pacquiao lost his fight against Timothy Bradley Jr. And God was like, “Don’t look at me!”


The judges’ split decision was a real shocker. One judge scored the fight 115-113 for Pacquiao; another judge scored it 115-113 for Bradley. But the third judge scored it 115-113 for Claudine.

Even the final punch stats (Compubox) showed that Manny Pacquiao landed more solid punches than Bradley. In fact, Bradley landed fewer punches than Raymart Santiago did.


Jinkee Pacquiao was reportedly stunned when she heard the decision. She was so shocked her face almost moved.

Equally shocked was Manny Pacquiao’s trainer – Pastor Jeric Soriano Freddie Roach.

Filipino congressmen who watched the fight in Las Vegas were upset. The lawmakers thought the bout was a walk in the pork for Pacman.

The Philippine National Police reported a single crime during the fight – a robbery. The victim was identified as Manny Pacquiao.

Reports say Manny Pacquiao’s colleagues in Congress described his loss as a “highway robbery.” I tend to believe their description because when it comes to the subject of robbery, they’re the authority.

Two judges scored the fight for Timothy Bradley Jr. As expected, Mar Roxas demanded a recount.


Timothy Bradley attended the post-fight news conference in a wheelchair. He arrived with his loyal wife, Cristina Basa-Bradley.

Despite the huge upset, Malacañang hailed Pacquiao for showing “the endurance and strength of Filipinos to the world.” And then went on to blame the previous administration for the loss.

Sen. Koko Pimentel was disappointed at the result of the bout. He refused to accept a Bradley win so he wrote a letter to his Ninong Erap to express his frustration.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago isn’t surprised at all that, this early, both camps are talking about a rematch. Santiago says boxing is a quasi-entertainment, quasi-business sport.

A Brief Interview With the Devil
on the Pacquiao-Bradley Match

(Via Skype)

Uy! ‘Tagal mong ‘di nagparamdam ah. Kumusta na?

‘To naman, may maitanong lang. Siyempre, demonyo pa rin.

Napanood mo ba sa TV ang laban kanina?

Anong TV? Ano ako, cheap? Two days ang delay sa TV. Sa tingin mo magtsa-t’yaga akong manood ng tambak na commercials? Nandun ako sa MGM Grand Garden Arena!

Sa Las Vegas?

Hindi! Sa Divisoria. Katabi ng Tutuban Mall. ‘Andun ang MGM Grand Garden Arena ‘di ba?

Leche naman, kupal ka talaga!

Thank you.

Seriously, ano sa palagay mo’ng nangyari kanina?

Palagay? What do you mean ‘palagay’ eh ako ang arkitekto ng lahat ng kaganapan dun.

Ikaw ang nagpatalo kay Pacquiao?

Tanga! Hindi siya natalo! Binulungan ko lang ang tatlong judges na taasan ang score ni Bradley para mawindang ang lahat.

Eh bakit split decision? Kung talagang powerful ka, sana unanimous decision for Bradley.

Anong magagawa ko eh linis-linisan ‘yong isang judge? Dati palang preacher ang pucha.

So masaya ka na?

Naman! Fulfilled na fulfilled! Imaginin mo ‘yon, may ‘pray over,’ ‘pray over’ pang nalalaman ang idolo n’yo. Bawat buka ng kanyang bibig, special mention ang kanyang Lord at kung anu-anong Biblical quotes. O, ano ngayon? Loko! Eh ‘di nagwakas rin ang paghahari-harian mo!

You sound soooo insecure.

Thank you.

Malamang takot ka kay Pacman. Close na siya kay God eh.

Ako? Takot? Har har har Kung takot ako, eh bakit nakaakyat pa ‘ko ng ring kanina? Heto ang pruweba. Right click here at hanapin mo na lang ako sa picture. Clue: I love red.

Ikaw ba ‘yon? Governor ‘yon ah.

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako!

Tarantado!

Thank you!


Maraming tao ang galit sa resulta ng laban. Sa katunayan, sabi ni Bob Arum, “I have never been so ashamed to be associated with the sport of boxing as I am tonight.” Any reaction?

Sabihin mo sa kanya… ULOL! ‘Wag nga siyang magmalinis. Kasabwat ko siya ‘noh. In fact, mamaya kapag nagkita kami, paplanuhin na namin ang mas malaking rematch sa November. Kaching! Kaching!

Teka, saan ka pala nakaupo kanina. Nadaanan ka ba ng camera?

I’m not sure. Pero nandun ako sa row ng mga congressman mula sa Pilipinas. Feeling ko nga nasa impiyerno ako kanina at may magaganap na session. Muntik nang magka-quorum ang mga punyeta.

Galit ka sa kanila?

Noooo! On the contrary, I’m sooo proud of those politicians. Sa kabila ng patuloy na pagdami ng nagugutom na Pinoy, hayun naman sila, naglalakwatsa gamit ang pera ng taumbayan. Tell me, how could you not love them? Keep it up guys!

Kunwari showbiz tayo… may mensahe ka ba sa sa mga judges?

Thank you! Thank you for not failing me. Basta kagaguhan, maaasahan talaga kayo. Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan!

Kay Bradley, anong masasabi mo?

Kapal ng mukha mo tsong. Feeling mo naman nanalo ka. Gago! Puro ka yakap kay Pacquiao kanina eh alam mo namang homophobic ‘yon! Pasalamat ka’t nagawan ko ng paraan sa scores! You owe me one! Good luck sa rematch.

Finally, ano ang message mo sa changed man na si Pacquiao?

To Manny, who abandoned me…  I have three words for you: Har! Har! Har!

Ang sama mo!

Thank you!
————————————————-
“I respect the decision but 100 percent, I believe I won the fight.”
~ Manny Pacquiao

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ALMOST IDOL AND A BROKEN MARRIAGE

25 05 2012


THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona is expected to conclude next week. After the oral arguments, the public has four hours to vote for an acquittal or a conviction.

On Day 42 of his impeachment trial, Chief Justice Renato Corona told the senator-judges he was willing to sign a waiver on his bank accounts – without any condition. Congressman Niel Tupas can relax now.

Following Corona’s challenge earlier this week,  seven congressmen expressed willingness to sign waivers on their bank deposits. The rest couldn’t be reached for comment ‘coz they were busy withdrawing their money.

Chief Justice Renato Corona revealed he was warned last December by “my kumpa-kumpare” in Malacañang that his account would be ordered frozen. In another story dismissed as totally unrelated by the palace, President Aquino has ordered a loyalty check in Malacañang.


During a break in the impeachment trial, members of the Basa family approached Chief Justice Renato Corona and hugged him in an apparent gesture of reconciliation. For a moment, I thought Kiko Pangilinan and Tito Sotto would follow suit!

Civic leader Baby Nebrida a common friend of the feuding families served as the peacemaker, mediating between the Basa sisters and Mr & Mrs. Corona. Nebrida is now the frontrunner for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.


IT’S ALL OVER. Phil Phillips is the new American Idol. OUR Jessica Sanchez is the runner-up. There’s a new rule though: If, for any reason, the new American Idol fails to fulfill his duties, the runner-up will take his place.

Remember when Manny Pacquiao declared that Jessica Sanchez would win “in the name of Jesus?” Well, Jesus just released a statement saying he had nothing to do with it.

I’d like to know who “misquoted” Manny Pacquiao this time.

A total of 132 million votes were cast for American Idol while 129 million votes were cast in the 2008 US presidential elections. Americans sure know their priority.

For the fifth year in a row, another cute young white boy with guitar won in ‘American Idol.’ The better performer was outvoted. Mitt Romney has a chance of winning the presidency in November.

Jessica Sanchez lost in Season 11 of American Idol. DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas couldn’t accept it. He wanted Jessica to file a protest.

Broken Marriage
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”

Koko Pimentel has announced his separation from 1998 Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Jewel May Lobaton, his wife of almost 12 years. Pimentel realized he’s not really into beauty queens, just beauty pageants.


Jewel May Lobaton is being romantically-linked to her fellow Ilonggo, Bacolod Representative Anthony Rolando T. Golez Jr. But the lawmaker denied reports that he caused the split. To disprove the rumor, Golez has expressed willingness to sign a waiver to open his heart.

Loren Legarda, Chiz Escudero, Pia Cayetano, Koko Pimentel. The Senate is the most unromantic place in the Philippines right now.

TPO Granted
The court has granted Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago’s petition for temporary protection order vs. the Tulfo brothers. That’s the same petition Raymart would often ask the court whenever he and Claudine fought.

No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.
——————————
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
~ Minnie Pearl

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“I am going to be refraining from replying to hateful & hurtful messages. I don’t like that they bring out the worst in me. I am upset at myself for replying even to mga walang kwenta naman na tweets. When someone is mean to me for no reason, I want to be meaner to them. And then I feel bad about myself kasi I stooped down to a level I never should have.”

A: Cristine Reyes
B: Sharon Cuneta
C: Lea Salonga
D: Rhian Ramos

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quiz: B.





READY TO RUMBLE

15 01 2012


THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins Monday, January 16. It’s make or break for President Aquino.

The House prosecution panel defied a Senate gag order by showing the media pieces of evidence against the Chief Justice before the trial proper. The panel headed by Niel Tupas insists it’s simply a question of right and wrong. They’re right, Corona’s wrong.

The House prosecution panel has 11 solon members plus 59 private lawyers. And I heard they’ll occupy the biggest room in the Senate building. The room will be marked, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes working for you.”

Impeachment prosecutors claim Chief Justice Renato Corona owns at least 45 condominium units and houses. But that’s nothing compared to President Aquino who owns the entire House of Representatives.

A member of the House prosecution panel wants Chief Justice Renato Corona to explain how he was able to acquire that huge number of properties. To be fair, congressmen would have ‘understood’ Corona if he had pork barrel.

Retired Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz visited the Chief Justice to give his support and “blessing.” The outspoken prelate believes the impeachment trial is a “political gimmick” with “no merit at all.” To which God said, “Labas ako d’yan huh!”

In a tweet, senator-judge Pia Cayetano, known for being a health buff says she’s “training” both her body and mind for long hours in preparation for the impeachment trial. Not to be outdone, Sen. Lito Lapid is reportedly preparing for the trial too – by getting more sleep.

Arroyo vs. Aquino
Apparently, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was able to write an ‘economic’ paper castigating the Aquino administration for ‘squandering’ the gains of previous governments, including hers. The paper’s working title was “Burnt Legacy.”

In a paper titled, “It’s the economy, student,” CGMA lambasted President Aquino for espousing the kind of politics that creates division rather than unity. And the President was like, “Hellooooo! Suarez and Lagman!”

Mrs. Arroyo also took a swipe at President Aquino’s alleged laid back work style saying, “There is no room for coming to work late and leaving early.” The President retorted, “Excuse me! That was soooo last year!”

In the same paper, Mrs. Arroyo trumpeted that “nearly nine out of 10 Filipinos had access to health insurance.” Tell that to Accenture employees!

A New Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

According to Manny Pacquiao, he encountered God in a dream. He said he was in a forest when suddenly he heard a voice asking, “Why are you going away from me?” Either it was God or his son by ex-girlfriend Joanna Bacosa.

Ronald’s Back
More than a year after he was arrested in Hong Kong for illegal drug possession, former Ilocos Sur Representative Ronald Singson is a free man. When he arrived Saturday in Vigan, he was in high spirits.

Ronald Singson has completed serving time in prison. That’s the difference between him and Sen. Lito Lapid. Lapid cannot even finish a sentence.

Sociable
The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey showed that the Philippines was the world’s second best place for expats to ‘socialize’ and ‘make friends.’ Curiously, in first place was “on Makati Avenue or Burgos Street.”

Drug Den
In the last 14 days, a total of three shabu laboratories were discovered and raided in the upscale Ayala Alabang subdivision in Muntinlupa City. Before the first raid though, there was this tense moment as Ayala Alabang officials demanded a prescription from the raiding team.
———————————————————————————————
“Make Crime pay. Become a lawyer.”
~Will Rogers

Quotes of the Day
“Neither the President nor anyone else can truly expect to govern the next five years with nothing but a sorry mix of vilification, periodically recycled promises of action followed by lethargy, backed up by few if any results, and presumptuously encouraging gossip about one’s love life in which no one can possibly be interested. Given the electoral mandate that he enjoyed in 2010— the same size as mine in 2004, as predicted by every survey organization at that time—our people deserve more, and better, from him.”
~Former President Arroyo, “It’s the economy, student.”

“It’s a political manifesto masquerading as an economic paper presented in a press briefing disguised as a colloquium!”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda’s reaction to Mrs. Arroyo’s paper via his Twitter account @dawende

“Kaya kong ipagmalaki ‘yong asawa ko. Sa ginawa kong kalokohan bago ako nagbago, bilib ako sa asawa ko.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





MIDAS, MEGA, MUGSHOTS

23 11 2011

THE PAST 10 DAYS have been action-packed and full of surprises. I guess Atty. Midas Marquez will agree.


Everyone’s talking about Atty. Midas Marquez and his awkward gulat moment seen live on TV. This morning, the Supreme Court voted 12-3 to stop the spread of the video. President Aquino’s three appointees dissented saying the public has the right to know the “truth.”

Mugshots
The purported mugshots of former President Arroyo have leaked to the press. And Asian Hospital doctors were like, “Don’t look at us!”


DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo says the Arroyo mugshots that came out in the Philippine Daily Inquirer Tuesday were fake. But the police insist they’re real. The truth? More than a year after the Luneta bus hostage crisis, Robredo still doesn’t have control over the police.

Erap and Edsa
According to Joseph Estrada, his arrest “triggered Edsa 3, whose number was more than those of Edsa 1 and 2 combined.” There goes another Erap joke!

Mandela
Nobel laureate Nelson Mandela once said, “In my country, we go to prison first and then become President.” In the Philippines, it’s the opposite.

Anti-Discrimination Bill
The Senate has approved the Anti-Discrimination Act of 2011. The proposed measure seeks to prohibit and penalize racial discrimination in the delivery of goods and services, media, workplace, educational institutions, and the Office of the Vice President.

NBI Anniversary
The National Bureau of Investigation just turned 75. Or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “Puwede na!”

SEA Games
Philippine Sports officials predicted a 70 gold medal haul for Pinoy athletes in the 26th Southeast Asian Games in Indonesia. On Tuesday, the athletes went home with only 36 gold medals and finished a humiliating sixth place overall. President Aquino blamed the debacle on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Goodbye EDSA?
A congressman from Bohol has filed a bill seeking to rename EDSA and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Geez. What’s next? Bimby Boulevard? ‘Daang Matuwid’ Expressway? Enough.

How about Sipsip Street?

Negative
The good news: both Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez who fought last November 12 were tested negative for any banned substance. The bad news: the judges were.

Breaking Dawn
The biggest box-office draw this week is ‘Breaking Dawn,’ the latest installment of ‘The Twilight Saga.’ The Twilight series tells about the story of vampires and werewolves – or as we collectively call them here in the Philippines, ‘Congress.’

Mega Moves
Sharon Cuneta has switched networks. Again.

Former ABS-CBN talent Sharon Cuneta has signed up with TV5. Interviewed after the contract signing, the Megastar said, “You cannot question my loyalty.” Tell that to Globe.

I heard it was a mega-buck deal. After all, isa siyang malaking artista.

Paternity Test
A 20-year-old student has dropped her paternity lawsuit against Justin Bieber. It turned out that the baby’s real father was Manny Pacquiao.
————————————————————————————————-
“It’s all ’bout the money
it’s all ’bout the dum dum duh dee dum dum
I don’t think its funny… ”
~Meja

Quote of the Day
“Nitong mga huling araw, naglipana na naman po ang mga walang katuturang patutsada at mga kuwentong barbero laban sa atin. Masyado daw tayong agresibo sa paghabol sa mga tiwali’t nagkasala. Ang sagot ko sa kanila: kung gaano sila ka-agresibo sa pagkakamal ng salapi ng taumbayan noon, magiging triple ang pagharurot natin para panagutin sila ngayon.”
~President Aquino

Elsewhere
TIME: Dynastic Duel: It’s Arroyo vs. Aquino in the Philippines’ Latest Political Battle

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





AND STILL…

13 11 2011

THIS JUST IN: Mexicans believe that the Philippines missed its zero crime rate target today, November 13. They insist that Juan Manuel Marquez was robbed.


Manny Pacquiao scored a majority decision victory against Mexico’s Juan Manuel Marquez. The three judges scored the fight 114-114, 116-112, and 115-113. As expected, Mar Roxas demanded a recount.

The People’s Champ won against Juan Manuel Marquez in their battle for the WBO Welterweight title in Las Vegas. Pacman’s next assignment is much tougher – Jinkee Pacquiao.

Juan Manuel Marquez sustained minor bruises and cuts and is now being treated at a nearby hospital. President Aquino has offered to foot the bill.

Some experts find the results too controversial saying Juan Manuel Marquez should have been declared winner. Susan Roces accused the judges of stealing victory from Marquez’ not just once but twice.

President Aquino congratulated Manny Pacquiao for yet another victory. Rumors say the President himself saw the fight, and he thought Pacman won by a hairline.


Because of the controversial outcome of this epic trilogy, Sen. Lito Lapid is hoping to see a fourplogy.

Mexicans are furious. They insist that Marquez won the fight. To which Pacquiao said, “Eh ‘di magsumbong kayo sa lolo n’yong panot!”

By beating Marquez, the People’s Champ sustained his amazing winning streak. He’s been scoring wins for like, forever. In Makati, they have a term for that: Binay.

Manny Pacquiao edged Juan Manuel Marquez on a very tight decision. The only thing tighter was Jinkee’s face.

Even Vicki Belo who watched the fight at the MGM Grand Garden Arena appeared shocked by the decision. Either that, or it’s her natural look.


After his controversial win, Pacquiao will have to convince the fans that he deserved it even as he needs to convince Jinkee that he didn’t do “it.”

Everyone is now talking about the fight between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez. Take that Genelyn Magsaysay and Bong Revilla!

A day before the controversial bout, Manny Pacquiao and wife Jinkee allegedly figured in a nasty fight inside their suite at the Mandalay Bay Resort Hotel and Casino. All three judges scored the fight 116-112 in favor of Jinkee.


YouTube discovery Maria Aragon sang the Philippine National Anthem while fellow Filipina, American Idol alumna Thia Megia performed “The Star Spangled Banner.” There was this brief commotion though when Anne Curtis suddenly appeared and insisted on singing another song.

After the singing of the national anthems of the Philippines, Mexico and the United States, the introduction of both fighters followed. I’m not really sure but I think I heard Michael Buffer said, “In the blue corner, from the nation with the world’s largest crocodile, the fifth most hated airport, and 1 of the 7 wonders of nature, Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”

In a pre-fight poll conducted by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, 74.3 percent predicted that Manny Pacquiao would win. The rest are still in shock.

Manny Pacquiao earned $22M from the fight. Juan Manuel Marquez earned our respect.

Breaking News: Lintang Bedol has reportedly sent feelers to the World Boxing Organization saying he wanted to testify against the three judges.
——————————————————————————–
“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday.”
~Wilma Rudolph

Quotes of the Week
“It’s very clear I won the fight.”
~Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao

“Marquez is your Joe Frazier.”
~Host Mario Lopez to Manny Pacquiao after the controversial fight

You Have Spoken
Sang-ayon ba kayo sa alok ni Pangulong Aquino na gobyerno ang gumastos sa biyahe ng foreign doctor na dadalhin sa bansa upang tumingin kay GMA?
-Oo naman. Humane na, sure pang ‘di matatakasan ang kaso. 8.68%
-Huh? Bakit?!? Sakit niya, gastos niya! 31.4%
-Kung gusto ng Pangulo, pera niya ang gastusin ‘wag pera ng bayan. 59.92%

Have a great week ahead! Congratulations Manny Pacquiao!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HERE LIES

23 10 2011


IN OBSERVANCE of All Saints Day and All Souls Day 2011, here’s the updated version of my original post titled “Predicted Epitaphs of Political and Entertainment Figures in the Philippines.”

President Aquino: “Ibalato n’yo na lang sa akin ang katiting na privacy kong ito!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Nasa tahimik na lugar. Sana ganito rin sa inyo.”

DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko kayo!”

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “Kagagawan ito ng administrasyong Aquino.”

Atty. Mike Arroyo: “Watch list? What watch list? Goodbye!”

Joseph Estrada: “That’s all Polk!”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: “He had gone to the world and multiplied. Mission accomplished. You know.”

Jinkee Pacquiao: “Ako, Legal Wife.”

Batangas Gov. Vilma Santos: “MALIGAYANG PAGDATING SA AKING PUNTOD: VILMAWOOD!”

Chief Justice Renato Corona: “Petition to extend life has been denied with finality. So ordered.”

Kris Aquino: “And then there was silence.”

Sen. Tito Sotto: “Give me liberty or give me death… certificate.”

Manny V. Pangilinan: “He just lost… one big fight.”

Boy Abunda: “And this is the bottomline!”

Sharon Cuneta: “Looking forward to losing weight.”

Charo Santos: “Maalaala Mo Sana”

Shalani Soledad: “No comment po.”

German Moreno: “Sa wakas, nakatulog rin.”

Cong. Winnie Castelo: “RIP: Winnie Castelo Proponent of the Anti-Death Bill in Congress”

Christopher Lao: “Here lies Chris Lao. For your information.”

Political Adviser Ronald Llamas: “Gun too soon.”
—————————————————————————————————-
“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
~George Carlin

Donaire Wins
Congratulations to Nonito Donaire! He outclassed Argentine pug Omar Narvaez in a 12-round bout. I mean, sparring session. Boo!

Fans and boxing analysts described the Donaire-Narvaez fight as boring. It would have been a lot more exciting if Donaire fought against Annabelle Rama.

Quote of the Week
“Suwerte ko I’m the original, not the other woman. I love my husband very much. I trust him, because he promised he will not get involved with anyone anymore, after Krista. I will deal with him after the fight.”
~Jinkee Pacquiao (as quoted by Philboxing.com) reacting to rumors that Cong. Manny Pacquiao fathered a child with a culinary student

Have a great week ahead!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





CROCS

7 09 2011

PEOPLE ARE STILL talking about the giant reptile caught in Agusan Del Sur last Saturday.  Experts say the crocodile measures 21 feet long & 3.5 feet wide, and weighs 1,075 kilos. Experts didn’t identify though the specific district where the crocodile lived.

Public viewing of the giant crocodile at a man-made lagoon in Agusan del Sur has been temporarily suspended to allow the animal to rest. Public viewing in Batasan Complex is still open though.

According to experts, the giant crocodile recently caught in Bunawan, Agusan Del Sur may have been roaming the waters since 1961. Or as a voters would call it, ‘trapo.’

Experts believe the giant crocodile captured in Agusan recently may have been roaming the waters since 1961. They are verifying reports that it was a three-termer reptile.

Bunawan, Mayor Edwin Elorde said, “Kailangan din nating protektahan ang buwaya dahil sabay tayong ginawa ng Panginoon. May proteksyon talaga siya sa batas.” To which Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman said, “True!”

Breaking News: The crocodile suspected of attacking residents in Agusan is filing a harassment suit against the hunter who captured it. The crocodile claims he was provoked by the hunter when the latter yelled, “Pucha, buwaya!”

This just in: The hunter, who was attacked by the crocodile will no longer file a complaint against the animal. The hunter withdrew his complaint because he feared for his and his family’s safety. The crocodile’s notorious relatives are still out there!

Not True: Agusan hunters categorically denied rumors that a Porsche Carerra was found near the area where the giant crocodile was captured. Tsismis lang.

The Punch
Sarangani Representative Manny Pacquiao is still the No. 1 pound-for-pound puncher in the world. The biggest gainer however, who is up by 100 notches to second place is Lanao del Sur Representative Mohammed Ali Pangandaman.

Reports say Floyd Mayweather Jr. is still hesitant to fight Manny Pacquiao next year. If the ongoing negotiations fail, Pacquiao is open to fighting Congressman Pangandaman.

Ayala Technohub security guard Ricardo Bonayog told the press he fell to the ground when Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman punched him twice last August 31. But Pangandaman denies mauling Bonayog saying he just slapped him with paper. One ream.

Deputy Speaker Erin Tañada says the incident involving Congressman Pangandaman “tarnishes the image of Congress.” Maybe what Erin wanted to say was, “further tarnishes.”

Reports say Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman floored security guard Ricardo Bonayog during an encounter last week. The report fueled speculations that Pangandaman drinks his own urine too.

Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman denied that he mauled a security guard at the Ayala Technohub in Quezon City last week. The solon says he is filing a harassment case against the security guard. Now, that’s harassment!

Security guard Ricardo Bonayog has withdrawn his complaint against Congressman Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman.The Pangandamans now boast an impressive record of 2 wins and 0 losses.

Lanao Del Sur Rep. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman allegedly punched and floored a security guard last August 31. The WBC, WBA, and IBF refused to award any belt to Pangandaman though saying they do not sanction fights between a heavyweight and a lightweight.

Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo is willing to facilitate a settlement between Ricardo Bonayog and Congressman Pangandaman. But House Speaker and Quezon City Rep. Feliciano Belmonte refuses to talk about a possible settlement – which is not really surprising since he could not even provide settlement for Quezon City squatters whose shanties were recently demolished.
—————————————————————————————————
“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.”
~Edmund Burke

Quote of the Weak
“Ang kalaban ko po malaking tao po. Ako po ordinaryong tao lang.”
~ Ayala Technohub security guard Ricardo Bonayog on his decision to withdraw the complaint against Lanao Del Sur Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman

“These were false accusations, I don’t know where they got this story to malign me!”
~Lanao Del Sur Rep. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman

You Have Spoken
Pabor ba kayo sa panukalang 4-day workweek ni QC Rep. Winston Castelo?
-Sure! Why not? We need a longer break. 37.2%
-No way! Marami nang holidays. Sayang ang oras. 44.93%
-Wala akong work. Walang epek sa akin ‘yan! 17.87%

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Personal
Good luck to Team Captain Miggy Maniego (playing his last game) and to the UP Fighting Maroons in their championship game against the UE Red Warriors on Saturday. UP and UE have identical 2-11 win-loss record. UP Fight!

Enjoy the rest of the week!





QUIZTION!

5 08 2011

Quarterly Quiz
Test your knowledge of current events. No Googling please! Don’t cheat. Politicians hate competition. Good luck!

1: “If it’s a fight he wants, a fight he will get.” Sino ang nagbitiw ng linyang ito earlier this week?
A: Sen. Tito Sotto to Sen. Kiko Pangilinan kaugnay ng 2004 election fraud
B: Albay Gov. Joey Salceda to DOST Sec. Graciano Yumul matapos panindigan ng PAGASA na tama ang weather forecast nila sa Albay
C: Twitter War II: Patutsada ni Zambales Rep. Mitos Magsaysay, a staunch-Arroyo ally kay Sec. Ricky Carandang
D: Former First Gentleman Mike Arroyo to Sen. Panfilo Lacson matapos ibunyag ng senador ang umano’y maanomalyang bentahan ng helicopter sa PNP

2: Malacañang defended President Aquino’s recent appointment of Lt. Gen. Gaudencio Pangilinan as new director of the Bureau of Corrections. Si Pangilinan ay nahaharap sa kasong pandarambong o plunder. Ano ang depensa ni palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda?
A: “It’s the president’s prerogative to appoint people that he trusts.”
B: “Kung inyong mapapansin, mga miyembro lang naman ng oposisyon ang nag-iingay laban sa appointment ni General Pangilinan.”
C: “He is presumed innocent until proven guilty.”
D: “Eh ‘di magsumbong kayo sa lolo n’yong panot.”

3: Sino ang pinakamataas ng pinuno ng Commission on Higher Education o CHEd?
A: Weh? May CHEd pa pala?!? ‘Di nga?!?
B: Atty. Julito Vitriolo
C: Seryosong tanong ba ‘yan? May CHEd pa ba talaga?
D: Dr. Patricia Licuanan

4: “Kasi tingnan mo o, who will tell me? Who will tell me? Really! Did you guys even tell me? Wala eh. Nobody even stopped. Nobody informed. It’s like people were waiting for somebody to just do that. Bakit ako? ‘Di ba? Dapat i-inform, i-inform! I should have been informed, ‘yun lang ‘yun!” Sino ang nagsabi nito?
A: Malay ko! We don’t have people like that in our school. Go Ateneo! One Big Fight!
B: Ayokong sagutin! Eh kung maakusahan ako ng bullying?
C: I don’t know! Nobody informed me who that is.
D: Isa lang ang masasabi ko. Mananalo ang UP against UST on Sunday! Let’s go UP!

5: Sa kanyang State of the Nation Address, nabanggit ni Pangulong Aquino ang pangalang “Ginang Escasa.” Sino siya?
A: Dating OFW na umuwi, nagnegosyo, at nagtagumpay
B: Dati niyang teacher
C: Dating Pagcor employee turned whistleblower (P1-B coffee)
D: Dati niyang crush na nag-asawa na

6: Kung hahanapin mo ang babaeng nasa larawan, saan mo siya posibleng matagpuan?
A: St. Luke’s Medical Center
B: Office of the Communications Group
C: PCSO Office
D: ABS-CBN Newsroom

7: Kumpletuhin ang tweet ni palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda kamakailan: “_____________ is a liar then, he is a liar now.”
A: Garci
B: Genuino
C: FG
D: Bedol

8: Kababalik lamang ni Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez sa kaniyang bansa matapos itong sumailalim sa chemoteraphy. Where?
A: North Korea
B: Japan
C: Cuba
D: Brazil

9: Sa balitang napamahal ang bili niya sa kanyang bagong property sa Forbes Park, Makati City, ano ang reaksyon ni Cong. Manny Pacquiao?
A. “Ipapagpasa-Diyos ko na lang.”
B: “Kung nalamangan ako, eh di kasalanan ko na nagpalamang ako!”
C: “Intriga lang ‘yan. Hindi totoo ‘yan.”
D: “Pera lang naman ‘yan. Kikitain ko pa rin naman.”

10: Ayon sa 2011 Forbes Billionaires list, sino ang pinakamayamang Pilipino?
A: Lucio Tan
B: John Gokongwei Jr.
C: Jaime Zobel De Ayala
D: Henry Sy

11: Sino sa mga sumusunod ang may misis na former Bb. Pilipinas-Universe?
A: Atty. Koko Pimentel
B: Sen. Migz Zubiri
C: Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda

12: Kung gusto mong makausap ang lalaki sa larawan, sino ang dapat mong tawagan?
A: Amanda Coling
B: Nora Aunor
C: Charo Santos
D: Vice Ganda
————————————————————————-
“Yes, there are times when something is legitimately not our fault. Blaming others, however, keeps us in a stuck state and is ultimately rough on our own self-esteem.”
– Eric Allenbaugh

Enjoy your weekend!


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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

To the UP Fighting Maroons, good luck on your game against UST on Sunday! UP Fight!





ONE DOWN

1 07 2011

IT’S BEEN A YEAR since voters decided to elect the candidate who would bring change.
A leader who is strong.
A leader who will defend the poor and the oppressed.
A leader who’s unafraid. A leader who’s got balls.
Yes, it’s been a year. So happy 1st year in office…
Sara Duterte!

Million Dollar Baby
Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte punched a Davao RTC Branch 15 sheriff who was serving a demolition order on Friday. Duterte won by unanimous decision… in social networking sites.

For refusing to delay for two more hours the demolition of shanties in Agdao district, court sheriff Abe Andres was punched on the face by Mayor Sara Duterte. The sheriff sustained a cut, a black eye, and a bruised ego.

Television footage showed Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte landed 3 out of 3 punches (100%) while Sheriff Andres landed in the hospital.

Netizens are comparing Mayor Sarah Duterte to Cong. Manny Pacquiao. But that’s unfair. Pacquiao has never won a fight in 10 seconds.

Netizens say Mayor Sarah Duterte is the new Manny Pacquiao. That’s completely untrue mainly because everytime Pacman wins a fight, he apologizes to his opponent.

Court sheriff Abe Andres who was serving a demolition order inside a contested property in Davao’s Agdao district was punched at least three times on his face by Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte. Hell hath no fury like a Duterte scorned.

Last Thursday, June 30, Sunstar Davao quoted Mayor Sara Duterte as saying that chess and martial arts would be the “focus sports” of Davao City. Not anymore.

In Other News…
To mark his first year in office Thursday, June 30, President Aquino delivered his Ulat sa Bayan, otherwise known as ‘nothing that we didn’t read in the newspapers.’

Did you see the crowd at Philsports Arena? For a moment, I thought it was a prayer rally especially during that part in which President Aquino started talking about the devil that was the Arroyo government.

Marking the first anniversary of his administration, President Aquino delivered a well-applauded speech. Probably one of his best election campaign pitches ever.

In his Ulat sa Bayan, the President revealed anomalies in the PNCC, PCSO, and the NFA. The most surprising thing about that speech? There was no mention of his lovelife. (How could you!?)

CONGRATULATIONS President Aquino! You have successfully completed Level 1 of your presidency. Five more levels to go and you’re done. Good luck!
——————————————————————
“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”
~John Maxwell

NOON, NGAYON
Noon: Gusto mong magka-Pajero…  magtrabaho!
Ngayon: Gusto mong magka-Pajero… mag-Obispo!

Quote of the Week
“Pabahay, bigas, seguridad, pasahod, kalsada, pantawid pasada, at salbabida para sa mga kababayan nating nilulunod ng kahirapan: iyan po ang pagbabagong inaani natin ngayon.”
~President Aquino

You Have Spoken
Sa umano’y new developments sa Vizconde massacre case, sino ang higit na kapani-paniwala?
-DOJ at NBI 24.6%
-Hubert and the Webb Family 20.56%
-Litung-lito na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung sinong nagsasabi ng totoo. 54.84%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Happy weekend! Stay safe!








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