INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL 2

7 05 2012

THE DEVIL IS BACK. Last Friday, he was spotted at Fiamma Bar in Makati City. You know what happened next. A young actor was mauled. And on Sunday afternoon, he dropped by NAIA Terminal 3. An actress lost her temper, and an action star traded punches with a columnist. Now, the devil is threatening to disrupt the Corona Impeachment Trial which resumes Monday, May 7. He’s just unstoppable these days. Disturbing.

Saying he had fun answering questions during last week’s interview, the devil granted us another exclusive. This is our Interview With the Devil Part 2.

Kumusta na? What’s up?

Proud demonyo pa rin. And still… winnnning!


Grabe ka. Ano naman ‘yong ginawa mo sa NAIA kanina?

Wala lang. Pinag-rumble ko lang naman ‘yong mag-asawang celebrity at ‘yong maangas na kolumnista. Ang saya! Aliw na aliw ako habang pinapanood sila. Alam mo ‘yong feeling na fulfilled ka? Gano’n ang naramdaman ko.

Ang sama mo!

Thank you!

Wala bang umawat?

Meron naman, pero meron ding tatanga-tanga. Nanood lang. Sa tingin mo ba mamamaga ang mukha ni Tulfo kung alerto ang mga guards? Helllloooo! Lest you forget, worst airport kayo sa buong mundo. Nasa top na rin lang kayo, eh ‘di panindigan na!

Parang ang saya mo.

Eh kasi it all worked out as I exactly planned. Pinagmukha ko silang cheap. Magsuntukan ba naman sa harap ng mga kids at ng publiko! Goodbye civility! Bwaha-ha-ha!

You are so wicked.

Thank you! Btw, did you see my protégé Claudine? Sipa dito, sipa doon. Beautiful! What a showcase of uncouth behavior! I am so proud of her! At si Mon Tulfo? Ang tapang-tapang niya sa radyo ‘di ba? Mula’t simula bentang-benta sa akin ang angas n’ya. Gustung-gusto ko ang pagmumura niya. Pero kanina, hindi siya nakakasa! Bwa-ha-ha Akala ko pa naman hard-hitting journalist siya. This time, hindi siya naka-hit! Nga-nga! Bwahahaha

So, feeling mo may na-achieve ka?

Naman! Claudine Barretto at Ramon Tulfo yata ‘yan! Do you realize that? Claudine at Tulfo – kolumnista ng number 1 newspaper in your country – nagsapakan! Hindi lang Angelica Jones o Madam Auring ‘yan! Kumbaga sa cellphone sa Greenhills, Class A! You know what I’m saying? I think I sort of overachieved this weekend.

So, you’re taking credit for this mess?

Definitely. But with the help of my favorite airline, Cebu Pacific. Naiwang luggage, delayed flights… what else is new? Sinong pasahero ang hindi mapapamura sa serbisyo nila? Cebu Pacific’s consistency at inefficiency is marvelous! Keep it up guys!

Fine! Eh ano naman ang nangyari sa Fiamma Bar last…

Wait lang huh, i have a phone call.

Hello? Who’s this?

- Demonyo ka! Binura mo na naman ang number ko?

Sorry, nagpalit ako ng phone. Sino ba ‘to? Congressman?

- Gago! Si Mike ‘to.

Defensor?

- Hindiii!

Tyson?

- Bobo! Nagtatagalog ba si Mike Tyson?

Malay ko ba! Eh sino ka nga?

- Si FG ‘to!

Ahhh, Attorney! Long time no hear. ‘Musta ang Hong Kong? And’yan ka raw?

- Ssssh. ‘Langhiya ka, ang ingay mo! Baka pag-initan na naman ako nung matandang binata sa palasyo. Babalik ako next week.

O, napatawag ka?

- Eh kasi nabalitaan ko ang nangyari sa kupal na kolumnista kanina sa airport.

Oo nga pala ‘noh. BFF mo dati si Tulfo bago kayo nag-away. What’s your concern?

- Malaki ba ang pasâ? Nabugbog ba?

Kinda. Punyeta ka. Happy ka ‘no? Kayo talaga! Palibhasa like poles repel. Sige na, may interview pa ko. Wait! ‘Wag ka na lang kaya bumalik? Magtago ka na sa ibang bansa!

- Ulol! Huwag mo ‘kong tuksuhin!

Ano ka ba!? Nasa Hong Kong ka na. Samantalahin mo na! Lumayo ka na. Remember, may mga kaso ka! ‘Wag kang mag-alala, gagabayan kita. ‘To naman, ngayon ka pa ba mawawalan ng tiwala sa ‘kin?

- Paano ang asawa ko? Alangan namang pabayaan ko ‘yon.

Wushuuuuu. Ipokrito! Naisip mo ba ‘yan nang lumandi ka kay VT?

- Tarantado! Nag-move on na ko. Loyal na ‘to uy! Sige na nga. Bye na!

End of phone call

Ano nga ‘yong tinatanong mo?

‘Yong nangyari last Friday sa Fiamma Bar sa Makati. Nabugbog ‘yong isang batang aktor.

Yup! I was there. And it felt good. ‘Yong engkwentrong sampalan at sabuyan ng wine?!? Wow. Cinematic. Tinalo ang eksenang Lavinia at Dorina sa ‘Bituing Walang Ningning.’ Sahugan mo pa ng bugbugan sa parking lot. I have nothing but admiration for those kids. And they’re the pa-sosyal bunch huh, not the Baseco Compound type. At a young age, ini-embrace na nila ang kasamaan. I commend their parents for not rearing them well.

You saw what happened? And Andi…

Oh Andi! My beautiful Andi. She’s a role model to all unwed young, moms out there. She’s got a four-month-old baby, and yet, look where she was last Saturday… madaling araw na, lumalaklak pa ng alak. I like this girl. Truly adorable.

And how about the supposed victim, the young actor…

Si Andi na mismo ang nagsabi, nambubugbog ‘yang batang ‘yan. Amazing! He’s got a bright dark future ahead of him. Aalagaan ko ‘yan.

Maiba ako, balik-impeachment trial na naman ang Senado bukas. Sa palagay mo ba…

Oooops, phone call again. Sandali lang…

Hello? Who’s this?

- Pakyu ka! Huwag mo kong ma-‘Who’s this, who’s this’ kung ayaw mong ibreak kita d’yan…

Gusto ko ‘yang language mo! Ipagpatuloy mo lang. Sino ka nga ulit?

- Konting-konti na lang mapipikon na ‘ko sa ‘yo leche ka! Kailangan ko ‘yong LV bag ko na naiwan sa iyong kotse. Dalhin mo dito sa bahay! Ngayon na!

Eh sino ka nga?

- Rayver, ayoko ng ganyang biro? Tae ka!

Rayver? Bwa-ha-ha I wish!

- Pucha! Hindi ba si Rayver ‘to?

Nope!

- Oh fuccccccccck! Shet! Shet! Shet! Maling number na naman ang na-dial ko! ‘Tang-i*a!

End of call.

Sino ‘yon?

One of my favorites these days. Si Cristine. Patawa talaga ang batang ‘yon. Hindi pa rin nagbabago. She’s a pro!

Anyway, as I was saying, balik-impeachment trial na naman ang Senado on Monday. Any forecast?

I heard gagawin daw marathon ang trial ah. Magaling! Magaling! Magaling! Lalong mapapagod ang mga senator-judges. Madaling mag-iinit ang kanilang mga ulo! Magi-enjoy na naman ako sa mga sigawan, lektyur, supalpalan, plastikan at sagutan. Confusion is awesome! Chaos is inevitable! Hatred is love!

Talagang demonyo ka.

Thank you!

Ano ba ‘yong pinakaayaw mong part ng trial?

Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan? Siyempre ‘yong opening prayer! If it’s any consolation though, I can’t help but stand in awe of the hypocrisy of some of my minions in the impeachment court. Pray sila nang pray pero nakaw naman nang nakaw. Isn’t that worthy of praise? Mahal ko silang lahat. I’m sure, the feeling is mutual.

Ano ang pinaka-na-miss mo sa impeachment trial?

Everything about it. The black propaganda, the lies, the spins, the neglected duties of lawmakers, the biased media (great job!), the endless bickering between Malacañang and Corona, the silence of Lito Lapid, et cetera. These people inspire me to do more evil things.

Rapid Round na tayo… I will mention some names at sabihin mo ang unang bagay na maiisip mo about them.

Go!

Cong. Miro Quimbo

Appreciated ko ‘yong fact na kapag napu-push siya sa wall, bini-blame niya ang media. How creative! Never siyang umamin ng pagkakamali. Cunning. Mahal ko na siya.

Para namang may malisya ang pagkakasabi mo ng “Mahal…”

Madumi lang ang utak mo. Pero gusto ko ‘yan. Madumi. Alam mo na!

Export and Industry Bank

The best sila! Ang daming nalokong depositors. Bigla ba namang nagsara! Hahaha Maraming maghihirap. Yehey!

Hayup!

Thank you!

Cong. Rudy Fariñas

He has accomplished ‘things’ in his personal life that were beyond compare. I’m still in shock but I have to admit, I did like it, if you know what I mean. He’s also the richest prosecutor. What more could I ask for? I will always be an admirer.

Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre

I will miss his presence in the impeachment court. He’s an asset. And he’s really special – figuratively, and physically. Sayang.

Ramon Tulfo

The NAIA incident exposed his weakness. I’m disappointed. I expected more from him. But still I’m a believer. Knowing his style (which is a gift from me), gaganti at gaganti ‘yan. I can’t wait.

Gretchen Barretto
She used to be my favorite. But now, napag-iiwanan na siya ng kanyang bunsong kapatid. Wake up! It’s not too late. Magbalik-loob ka na sa akin.

Manny V. Pangilinan

MVP? Hmmm… definitely he’s not a sin. And I categorically deny that I created him as a lie. Hindi kami close. And I hate it. Maybe in the future, mapapasaakin din siya. Sana.

Last question… sa local showbiz, kanino ka pinaka-close ngayon. Heto ang choices: Annabelle Rama, Cristine Reyes, Andi Eigenmann & friends, o Raymart and Claudine & friends?

Kay Tita Annabelle pa rin.

Tita? Pamangkin ka niya?

Pakyu!

Ha-ha-ha Bakit si Annabelle Rama? Ayaw mo kina Claudine at Raymart? ‘Di ba mas gusto mo ang pisikalan?

Mas maraming kaaway si Annabelle Rama eh. Hindi nawawalan. May consistency ang kanegahan. ‘Tsaka sa tingin ko, mas mapera siya. Alam mo naman, for the love of money is the root of all me.

Eh ako, ayaw mo?

Eeeew. Wala kang pera! Nga-nga!

Hayuuup!

Thank you!
——————————————————————–
“Never do anything when you are in a temper, for you will do everything wrong.”
~Baltasar Gracian

Quotes Quiz: Who said these:
1: “I hate to admit it but I am a card carrying member of UHAW:.Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives.”
A: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan
B: Executive Sec. Jojo Ochoa
C: DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas
D: Sen. Bong Revilla

2: “Ayoko namang tumandang mag-isa. Gusto kong magkaroon ng marami pang anak, two or more.”
A: Sen. Francis Escudero
B: Piolo Pascual
C: Gretchen Barretto
D: Kris Aquino

Have a great week ahead! Mabuhay!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answers to Quotes Quiz:
1: Kiko Pangilinan
2: Piolo Pascual








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