2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

13 04 2015

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

1Clinton
Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

1ClintonSpecial Offer
Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
———————————————————————————————————————–
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]





ALIAS

9 04 2015

Untitled
THE NATION marked the 73rd Araw ng Kagitingan on April 9. In his keynote speech in Bataan, President Aquino said, “Nagbabalik-tanaw tayo sa aral ng nakaraan upang hindi na maulit ang mga dating kamalian.” The title of his speech was, “Note To Self.”

All-time Low
President Aquino’s satisfaction rating has dropped to an all-time low yet again! Which explains why his hairline is at an all-time high.

The President’s net satisfaction rating dropped to +11. Just to give you some perspective, Beau Belga’s at +15.

While President Aquino’s satisfaction rating has dropped to an all-time low, 50 percent of Filipinos do not want him to resign. Psychologists call that “Binayphobia.”

President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating is down to +11. Fewer Filipinos are happy with his performance. That’s what happens when someone is in love. His career takes a backseat.

UntitledExorcism Course
The Vatican is offering a course aimed at teaching priests and laypeople how to recognize and fight demonic possession. Classes last for a week and will be held at the city hall, capitol, or Congressional building nearest you.

Alias
MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal admitted that he’s using a nom de guerre or war name. But Iqbal insisted that using an alias was just “natural” if you’re a revolutionary. Or a client of Janet Lim-Napoles.

Untitled
In a Congressional hearing, MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal refused to divulge his real name – although rumors say his passport name is in fact ‘Adele Dazeem.’

Unaware
On the involvement of America in the Mamasapano operation, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. said President Aquino knew nothing about it. Among other things.

UntitledTRO for Sale?
Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said he had received “information” that the Binays paid for the TRO that stopped the preventive suspension of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. Critics suspect that the CA justice who issued the TRO is either pro-Binay or corrupt. To which the CA justice furiously replied, “How dare you?! I am not pro-Binay!”

The Wedding
Fast-food giant Burger King will sponsor the wedding of an Illinois couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King. The wedding vows will go something like: “For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in obesity and in health… ”

Burger King will sponsor the wedding of an Illinois couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King. In other news, Bianca King is hoping to date Stephen Chow real soon.

UntitledSex Addict
A former high school principal from Japan allegedly had sex with some 12,000 women including minors while in the Philippines. Again, that’s 12,000 women. Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Idol!”

A Japanese man who allegedly paid for sex with 12,000 women while in the Philippines was arrested in Tokyo. When some prostitutes were asked to describe their experience with the Japanese, they said, “Move on na lang tayo. Maliit na bagay.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“To win the people, always cook them some savoury that pleases them.”
~Aristophanes, The Knights

Sound Bites
“Because of security reasons, my name on the passport is known only to the government. I travel a lot—maybe hundred times. But I’m not hiding my name on my passport.”
~ MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal

Have a happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino: Gov.Ph; Iqbal: GMA News; Law is Greek.Com; Japanese Man: CNN]





300

5 04 2015

THE LONG vacation has come to an end. Those who repented during the Holy Week break can go back now to being their usual, despicable selves. Welcome back!

1Easter
The season of Lent is over. According to the Bible, after the arrest, trial, crucifixion, and death of Jesus, he shockingly returned in the end. Fans of ‘The Walking Dead’ call it, “season finalé.”

Revamp
Sec. Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma is out as presidential spokesperson. He was reportedly replaced by TESDA director general Joel Villanueva who has impressed the President with his performance. Under Villanueva’s leadership, TESDA has created an unprecedented number of jobs. And TV commercials.

joel
Hardworking TESDA chief Joel Villanueva will soon be very visible as he’s just been appointed presidential spokesperson. Sources say the President has several reasons for appointing Villanueva to the post. And by several, we mean a lot – like hundreds perhaps, or a thousand or 2,016. We don’t know.

Sample Q & A With Presidential Spokesman Joel Villanueva

Q: Secretary, is it true that the President is sick and he’s keeping the truth from the public?
V: That’s not true. And even if he’s sick, he must not be afraid. As Jeremiah 30:17 said, “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.” Next question please…

Q: Sir, sabi ng Makabayan bloc, the President is a liar and has not told the entire truth about the Mamasapano incident. Your reaction…
V: The President respects the militants’ right to free speech but this I tell you, “On the day of judgment. people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew Chapter 12, Verses 36 and 37.

Q: Sir, are you running for senator in the next election?
V: To be honest, I have not made a decision. But if it’s God’s will, who am I to refuse?  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11. Last question please.

Q: Secretary, there have been rumors that the President is dating Pia Wurtzbach. Are they exclusively dating?
V: Ha-ha Kayo talaga. It’s a personal and very private matter between the President and Ms. Wurtzbach. As 1 Thessalonians 4:11 said, “Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs.” Thank you.

1Easter
Income Tax
The month of April has become synonymous with taxes. As residents of Makati City, we should remit our taxes promptly this year. Two mayors are now counting on us.

The BIR has a TV ad that shows where your taxes go: infrastructure, education, and social services. Politicians were offended by the apparent snub.

Corruption58180549_20141021145050
When my friends and I started working, we were told that our taxable income would be significantly reduced if we had “dependents.” So on the BIR form, we made a list of people who depended on us: senators, congressmen, governors, and mayors.

All public servants are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Networth or SALN on or before the April 30 deadline. Sources say this early, President Aquino has accomplished his SALN form. Under ‘Liability,’ he wrote, ‘Alan Purisima.’

1Makati
Hakot System?
A Makati City resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self-employed.”

Hundreds of Makati City residents are brought to the city hall every day just to sit there and kill time. And they each receive 300 pesos for that. Yes, these people get paid for absolutely doing nothing. Who do you think you are?! Congressmen?!?

Emergency Landing
An EasyJet A320 flight heading to Kosovo from Geneva was forced to make an emergency landing in Rome because a ‘hungry’ passenger became impatient and punched a stewardess. The airline has denied rumors that the passenger was a washed-up actress from the Philippines.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.”
~Calvin Coolidge

Sound Bites
“Long-winding, repetitious, irrelevant, unprepared homilies are signs of a sick spiritual life of the priest.”
~Archbishop Soc Villegas

Have a productive April!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jesus: Photo Image Search.Com; TESDA; BIR; Corruption: Urduwire.Com; Makati: Rappler]





CRUCIFIED

31 03 2015

CHRISTIANS are observing the annual Holy Week tradition. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as Metro Manila motorists would say, “everyday.”

1jeru

We all know what happened ‘that week.’ It all began at the time of the festival of Passover. Jesus arrived in Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a car because of the LTO’s “no registration, no travel policy.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for  hospital arrest.

1Arrest

Roman officers with swords and shields made the arrest after the Last Supper. Reliable sources revealed President Aquino was already in the area for the expected turnover.

One of his disciples, Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. But karma caught up with Judas. Just a few days after getting his reward, he was slapped with tax evasion charges by Kim Henares.

There were some tense moments when the Romans sent by the high priests arrived to make the arrest. Some disciples tried to intervene. This could have been avoided if there was proper coordination before they launched the operation.

1ear
The Gospel of John tells us that when Jesus is being arrested, one of his disciples takes a sword and cuts off the ear of a hight priest’s servant. The  ear would never be seen again as it was sent to the US for DNA testing.

Another disciple, Peter had his share of controversy. When Jesus was arrested, he followed the arresting officers. But a woman recognized him and said, “You’re friends with him!” Peter denied Jesus thrice until the woman showed a piece of evidence: a photo showing Jesus partying with his disciples including Peter, and news anchor Vicky Morales.

1Thieves
Jesus is then tried and condemned by the Sanhedrin. He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. On Golgotha, he was crucified between two actor-politicians.

There you have it. My crucifixion joke. I hope I nailed it.

Lenten Message
Malacañang released President Aquino’s recorded Lenten message the other day. According to Rappler, the gist of the President’s message was “others before self.” Incidentally, the title of the Lenten message was, “When things go bad, who should be blamed?”

1gfLee Kuan Yew
Vice President Binay said Lee Kuan Yew, the highly-respected founder of Singapore, was his “inspiration in rebuilding Makati.” When Lee Kuan Yew heard this, he slapped an angel.

Epalitician
The valedictorian of a public school in Malabon received a medal with an image of their congresswoman. The medal was 1 percent gold and 99 percent campaign paraphernalia.
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.”
~Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Sound Bites
“Lee Kuan Yew made Singapore immensely rich, while Makati made Mr. Binay immensely rich. That’s the difference.”
~Prof. Solita Collas-Monsod

Have a safe and fun holiday break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shadow of the Cross.Org; Catholica.com.au; Prophecy in the News.com; PixShark.com; Mothership.Sg]





THE EMOJI QUIZ: ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH?

27 03 2015

POLITICAL FIGURES and government officials (unless specified) shown as emojis! See if you can guess all of them!

Here’s an example to get you started.
TV
– A woman
– A TV set
– A boy
– Another boy (older)
– Loud speakers
Answer: Kris Aquino

Another example:
2Untitled
– A house
– Crocodiles
– Money
Answer: House of Representatives

Got it? Good luck! Keep track of your score. We’ll interpret the results later.

Emoji Quiz

ANSWERS:
Highlight each item to reveal the answer.

1: President Aquino
– A balding man
– Cigar

2: Junjun Binay
– A man
– Umbrella
– Building
– Money

3: Janet Lim-Napoles
– A woman
– Money
Bath tub
– Running away
– Police

4: Manny Pangilinan

5: Ninoy Aquin0

6: Manny Pacquiao

6: Sorry for the error in numbering
Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada

8: Juan Ponce Enrile

9: Imelda Marcos

10: Lito Lapid
– A man
– A horse
– A gun
– Someone asleep

11: Nancy Binay

12: Rey Pamaran (Nemesis of Melissa Mendez)

13: Mayor Joseph Estrada
– A man
– Alcohol
– Women
– Gambling

14: Vice President Binay
– A man
– Coconut tree
– A palace

15: Mar Roxas
– A bike (padyak)
– A man
– Blue (his official color)

16: Mister International 2015 PO2 Neil Perez

17: Sen. TG Guingona
– A huge ear
– Color blue
– A ribbon
(He’s the Blue Ribbon Committee chair)

18: Tito Sotto

19: ER Ejercito

20: Miss Universe-Philippines Pia Wurtzbach

What your score means:
18-20: Mahusay ang imahinasyon mo. Magagamit mo ‘yan sa larangan ng pag-ibig lalo na kung single ka. Imaginin mo na lang na may nagmamahal sa ‘yo. Kahit wala naman talaga.

15-17: Mas mataas pa sana ang makukuha mo kung hindi ka overweight. Mag-diet.

12-14: Sakto lang. Not good. Not bad. Parang ‘yong budget mo this Holy Week break. Magtipid!

9-11: ‘Wag nang magtaka kung bakit wala kang love life. Boring kang kausap. Magbasa pa.

8 and Below: Tanggapin ang kapalaran. Hanggang d’yan lang talaga ang alam mo eh, anong magagawa natin?
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I think what makes ‘Jeopardy!’ special is that, among all the quiz and game shows out there, ours tends to encourage learning.”
~Alex Trebek

Sound Bites
“Bilang Pangulo, napakaraming usapin ang kailangan kong tutukan nang sabay-sabay, na kailangan ng agarang tugon at pagdedesisyon. Responsibilidad ko ang 100 milyong Pilipino sa loob at labas ng ating bansa. Opo, ako ang Pangulo, pero tao rin ako. Hindi ko kayang basahin ang iniisip ng bawat kausap ko, at hindi ko kayang mabantayan ang lahat sa lahat ng panahon.”
~President Aquino, Philippine National Police Academy Graduation rites, 3.27.2015

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





WHAT DIRECTION?

23 03 2015

SPEAKING BEFORE some 2,000 members of the Integrated Bar of the Philippines in Cebu, Vice President Binay presented his plans for his first 100 days in office if he becomes president. In his speech, the Vice President called for “the elimination of graft and corruption.” The statement alarmed his allies, and fueled speculations he’s capable of hurting himself.

1Binay
In his speech during the IBP convention in Cebu, Vice President Binay called for “the elimination of graft and corruption.” To those who say that the Vice President has no sense of humor, sorry to disappoint you.

In Cebu City, Vice President Binay detailed his plans for his first 100 days in office as president. Not to be outdone, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas detailed his plans for his first 100 days as a civilian.

Healthy
There was a rumor that President Aquino “collapsed” last Friday evening. According to Pulse Asia, the President’s BP dropped to its lowest level since he was elected president.

1kim
President Aquino has denied that he collapsed last Friday evening. There’s no truth to the rumor. Everything is normal: soda binge-drinking, smoking, coughing. Nothing to worry about.

Another rumor said the President collapsed, hit his head on something, and when he regained consciousness, he wanted to say sorry for the Mamasapano debacle. That rumor is so NOT true. It will never happen.

1tv5
It was in fact TV5 reporter JV Lim Arcena who first tweeted about the rumor quoting his unidentified “source.” Apparently, Arcena was fed wrong or misleading information. Or as the President would say, “Nabola si Arcena.”

Makati Standoff
Supporters of Mayor Junjun Binay returned to the Makati City hall quadrangle Sunday following reports that Vice Mayor Kid Peña will attempt to enter the city hall on Monday. It has been an orderly gathering so far. Good day for democracy. And an even better day… for Jollibee. #soldout

Resign
According to a Pulse Asia survey, 29 percent of Filipinos were undecided on whether President Aquino should quit his post or not. As for those who took a stand: 42 percent said the President should NOT resign while 29 percent were militants.

Dissatisfied
A Pulse Asia survey showed 8 in 10 Filipinos were not satisfied with President Aquino’s explanation on the Mamasapano encounter. The other two were his spokesmen.

1kimJeane Returns
Pork barrel queen Janet Napoles’s controversial daughter Jeane is back in the country. Authorities were ordered to track her movements. Agents have been deployed in Fort Sto. Domingo, the Napoles residence, and all branches of Louis Vuitton, Bvlgari, Hermes, Balenciaga, Gucci and Prada.

PiaNoy
In an Instagram post, Kris Aquino revealed that her brother Noynoy was “kinikilig.” She’s apparently referring to rumors that the President has been seeing Miss Universe-Philippines Pia Wurtzbach. Critics are not as excited and optimist though. To avoid another heartbreak, they made a checklist for the President: Chocolates, check! Flowers, check! Dinner, check! Reality check.

Twitter’s Birthday
Last Saturday, March 21, Twitter turned 9 years old. To mark this milestone, here are 9 controversial, memorable, fearless, and outrageous tweets from some famous Filipinos:

1Pogi

Wanted: Pogi
Taong 2010 nang makilala ng publiko ang speechwriter ng Pangulo na si Mai Mislang dahil sa kanyang brutally honest tweets habang nasa state visit sa Vietnam ang presidente. Ano na kayang nangyari sa kanya?
A: Naghahanap pa rin ng poging Vietnamese
B: Short-lived ang kasikatan; nag-flop ang mga sumunod na pelikula
C: Ewan. Mukha ba akong interesado?

1Val

#NasaanAngPangulo…
… ang tanong ng publiko sa kasagsagan ng pananalanta ng Bagyong Sendong sa Visayas? Actress Valerie Concepcion provided the answer. Unwittingly. On Twitter.

1Georgina

She’s Got Balls
Georgina Wilson’s anti-Erap sentiment in 2009 resurfaced in 2014 – offending Estrada’s son, Jake Ejercito. She apologized for offending the Ejercitos but she refused to delete the tweet. Fierce!

sha

Mega Meltdown
There was a time in 2012 when Sharon Cuneta would engage her online critics (mostly, Piolo Pascual sympathizers) in a nasty and angry exchange almost everyday of her not-so-busy-then life. She put the ‘patol’ in patola.

1VILLAF

Ignoramus
A Villafuerte scion couldn’t, or probably refused to understand the outpouring of love for the late DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo. [The Villafuertes and Robredos were political rivals in Bicol.] He has since apologized for his tweets but not after getting pilloried by netizens.

1Nancy

Korina vs. Maligno
When I tweeted something about Korina Sanchez’s alleged anti-Binay commentary on radio, Nancy Binay replied. We’re still trying to get the side of the maligno. Can’t wait to see its reaction to the comparison.

1MQ

Miriam vs. LGBT
Miriam Quiambao got flak for saying that being gay is “a lie from the devil.”  Too bad for Miriam, even God wouldn’t confirm the veracity of her statement.

1ALLAD

Think before you click.
After a loss, outspoken Don Allado vented his frustrations at the referees by tweeting that games were “fixed” and that it was “a disgrace to be part of the PBA.” Allado was banned from playing for one season. Be careful what you wish for indeed!

1Jules

Gibberish Jules
In case you didn’t know, Congress’s top absentee Jules Ledesma used to post “WTF was that” tweets such as this one. I wonder if he still does. Ambot!

Happy Birthday Twitter!
————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Pride is the mother of arrogance.”
~ Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Sound Bites
“For the first time, I was happy that my hair is short because it will show if I have stitches. I tried to feel my head, there’s no bump,”
~President Aquino on rumors he collapsed last week

Have a hassle-free week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino and Binay: Philippine Daily Inquirer; Tweets from the celebrities’ public accounts]





THINKING OUT LOUD

19 03 2015

PRESIDENT AQUINO’s approval and trust ratings dropped to their lowest levels since he assumed office in 2010. His numbers have fallen. Worse, ER Ejercito is making a movie about it.

Rappler
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, President Aquino’s approval and trust ratings plunged to their lowest levels since 2010. Malacañang says the President will not issue a statement until he has read the full report, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas.

The March 2015 Pulse Asia survey showed President Aquino’s approval and trust ratings plummeted to their lowest levels since he was elected in 2010. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus Alan Purisima.

Apology
Former president Fidel V. Ramos said President Aquino should “humbly and sincerely” apologize for the disastrous Mamasapano operation. According to Ramos, saying sorry “would probably do 90 percent of the job.” Leave the other 10 percent to Kris Aquino.

Memoir
In his memoir, FVR’s national security adviser Jose Almonte talked about the former president’s problem with a powerful woman named “Baby” – presumably, socialite Baby Arenas who had been romantically linked to Ramos. Reports say former First Lady Amelita ‘Ming’ Ramos referred to Arenas as “that woman.” Eventually though, Ramos was able to fix 90 percent of this problem by humbly and sincerely apologizing to Ming.

1JEThe Graduate
Detained senator Jinggoy Estrada was allowed to attend the high school graduation rites of his son at OB Montessori last Tuesday. An ecstatic Jinggoy said, “I’m so proud of him finishing school.” Filipino taxpayers added, “It was all worth it naman pala.”

Stressed
DILG Sec. Mar Roxas said UNA officials displayed “high school mentality” when they challenged him to serve the Ombudsman’s suspension order on Junjun Binay. The Makati mayor replied, “Roxas should show some maturity” and must not resort to name calling. Junjun added, “Like Roxas, we’re all undergoing a stressful situation but we rise above it.” It pays to have an elevator.

1Nancy
Ano kaya ang iniisip at gustong sabihin ng babae sa picture?
A: Pagpasensyahan n’yo na lang muna itong spaghetti. Hindi ako nakapag-bake today eh. Try ko bukas.
B: ‘Pansin ko lang, magkakakulay tayo. Hihihi Relate much. Kaya sa 2016, alam n’yo na!
C: Kung ‘yong boss n’yong si Mar Roxas, ginugutom kayo, ibahin n’yo kami. Go! Kain lang nang kain; may parating pang two-piece chicken.
D: May Instagram ba kayo? I-follow n’yo nga ako: @therealnancyb. ‘Tapos, pa-regram na lang ng picture na ito. #gandakohere #blackbeauty #infairnesstome #nofilter

1KP
Ano kaya ang iniisip at gustong sabihin ng dalawang lalaki sa picture?
A: Ako si – please state your name – wait lang. O, kayong mga kasama ni Vice Mayor Kid, smile naman kayo. Obvious na kinakabahan kayo sa ginagawa natin eh.
B: Ako si – Romulo ‘Kid’ Peña Jr. – ay nanunumpang… konting bilis lang Prosecutor, baka abutan tayo ng TRO.
C: Ako si – teka lang, na-distract ako sa cellphone sa harap ko. Ano bang unit ‘yan?
D: Ako si – Romulo ‘Kid’ Peña Jr. – sandali lang Prosecutor, tauhan n’yo ba ‘yong naka-shades sa likuran? Masama ang kutob ko d’yan eh. Paalisin n’yo nga muna.

1JJ
Ano kaya ang iniisip at gustong sabihin ng lalaking nakangiti sa picture?
A: Hihihi Akala nila, makakaisa sila huh! Pa-oath-oath taking pa kayo d’yan. O, gago. Uwiii!
B: Sandali lang po. Wait lang. Lahat mabibigyan. Walang uuwing luhaan. Pila lang po para ‘di magulo.
C: Maraming salamat po sa inyong lahat! Paalala lang po, magtatapos ang bisa ng TRO after 60 days. Isa lang ang ibig sabihin n’yan. After 60 days, kitakits ulit tayong lahat dito! Free Jolllibee ulit! I love you!
D: Kalma lang girls, kalma lang. O, ha! Akala n’yo si Enrique Gil ‘to ‘no? Nagkakamali kayo. Ako nga pala ang lalaking nagpatibok sa puso ni Beyonce… ang nag-iisang Jay-Z na naniniwala sa kasabihang: Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa taxpayers ang gawa, nasa amin ang biyaya. Jooooooooke! Nagbibiro lang po. Thank you!

New Policy
Facebook has announced that it will now prevent people from promoting hate speech on its site. Facebook will not allow posts that offend, threaten, or insult groups based on race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, nationality, or extreme devotion to KathNiel or Chicser.

Rappler
Pia and Noy
Reports say President Aquino is dating newly-crowned Bb. Pilipinas Universe, Pia Wurtzbach. Why not? Pia is well-bred, the President is well-bred. Pia is single, the President is single. Pia is gorgeous, the President is single. Let’s give them a chance.
—————————————————————————————————————————
“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

RapplerSound Bites
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ humbly and sincerely would probably do 90 percent of the job. What’s so difficult about that?”
~Former President Fidel V. Ramos to President Aquino

Peace!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Purisima/Aquino: Rappler; Jinggoy/Graduation: Interaksyon; Junjun and Nancy Binay: Interaksyon; Kid Peña: GMA Network; Ramos and Pia Wurtzbach: Rappler]





STAY WITH ME

15 03 2015

1pop1
AS POPE FRANCIS marked the second anniversary of his election as pope last Friday, March 13, he predicted that his papacy would be short: 4-5 years. But his worried supporters say he should finish his term because they do not trust his potential successor: Cardinal Binay.

According to Pope Francis, he doesn’t have any plans of staying in office for life. To which the Binays reacted, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”

1JunPreventive Suspension
The Ombudsman has placed under preventive suspension Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay and several other Makati officials. DILG representatives who will serve the suspension order in Makati City Hall have been advised to stay calm, exercise restraint, and use the elevator at their own risk.

DILG representatives who will serve the Ombudsman’s suspension order have been told to coordinate with Makati City officials to avoid a “misencounter.” But when asked if authorities serving the suspension order would be allowed in, Binay spokesman Joey Salgado said, “No.” That’s BBL in effect right now in Makati: Binay Basic Law.

Hundreds of Binay supporters gathered in front of the city hall to show their love and support for their embattled mayor. Reports say the loyalists were given free drinks and free fast food – which explains the rumored change in Binay’s campaign slogan – from “Kay Binay gaganda ang buhay” to “Gusto ko happy meal ka!”

Untitled

Binay loyalists remain gathered at the quadrangle of the Makati City Hall. There’s free film showing, free Zumba lessons, and of course, free fast food. The gathering of hundreds of Binay supporters elated the Vice President, his whole family, and the nearest branch of Jollibee.

Some online comments on what’s happening in Makati City are getting personal. Netizens are calling Mayor Junjun Binay names like Kuhol – which I believe is totally unfair. Kuhol is way, way funnier.

Mayor Binay’s spokesman said the gathering of Junjun’s supporters was initiated by local leaders. City councilors coordinated with barangay chairmen who then gave instructions to the barangay kagawads and their constituents resulting in peaceful, orderly activities. That’s what happens, Mr. President when you follow the chain of command.

1Untitled

Chain of Command
The Board of Inquiry’s Mamasapano report found that President Aquino violated the PNP’s chain of command. But Malacañang said the President could have clarified some points if only the BOI sent an official request. Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists, “The chain of command rule applies only within the PNP.” And Justice Sec. Leila De Lima adds President Aquino “is not the Commander in Chief of the PNP” under the 1987 Constitution, which specifically states that, “The President is in fact the Pope. He is infallible.”

Statement Shirts
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle urges Roman Catholics to wear a ‘Huwag Kang Magnakaw” shirt during the Visita Iglesia this coming Holy Week. Or to be more specific, wear a ‘Huwag Kang Mayor,’ ‘Huwag Kang Senador’ or ‘Huwag Kang Congressman’ shirt.

Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle urges Catholics to wear a ‘Huwag Kang Magnakaw’ shirt this Holy Week. Some politicians took offense and vowed to wear a ‘Huwag Kayong Tumanggap ng Donasyon Mula Sa Amin’ shirt.

1Junjun

Success!
A team of South African surgeons has performed the first successful penis transplant. When the surgeons were congratulated for the historic penis operation, they said, “Wala ‘yon. Maliit na bagay.”
————————————————————————————————————————–
“We have, I fear, confused power with greatness.”
~Stewart Udall

Sound Bites
“We stand firm that these are all part of Operation Nognog and this is just politically motivated. This is about the 2016 elections.”
~Junjun Binay

“The real reason that Mayor Binay refuses to leave his post is because they are still doctoring the documents to hide the money they stole from Makati.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pope Francis: ABC News; Makati: Richard Reyes/PDI; Junjun Binay: PhilStar.Com; Roxas: Manny Palmero/ABSCBNNews; CNN)





MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

11 03 2015

1noyv
IN A PRAYER gathering attended by evangelical church leaders in Malacañang on Monday, President Aquino enumerated sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas’s lapses that resulted in the disastrous Mamasapano mission. But he made no mention of the involvement of then suspended PNP Chief Alan Purisima in the operation. When sought for reaction, evangelical leaders said, “Let he who is without a long-time friend cast the first stone.”

Without mentioning the involvement of his longtime friend, General Alan Purisima, the President pinned the blame solely on sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas whom he accused of turning the Mamasapano operation into a “mission impossible.” Talking about mission impossible, this President will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

1gn
According to the President, the Mamasapano operation became a “mission impossible.” To have an idea of what a “mission impossible” is, you may ask the President’s PR crisis managers.

Sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas was solely blamed for the Mamasapano mission by President Aquino. But relatives of the SAF44 refused to believe the President’s latest tirade against him. In their defense, who does?

For the nth time, President Aquino blamed sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas for the disastrous Mamasapano operation last January. He blamed Napeñas for “fooling” him. He blamed Napeñas for giving him the wrong information. He blamed Napeñas for not coordinating with the AFP. He blamed Napeñas for not deploying more troops. He blamed Napeñas for going “solo.” And he blamed Napeñas for not following orders. This latest tongue-lashing has prompted Napeñas to request for an NSO-authenticated birth certificate to check if his surname was indeed Napeñas and not Arroyo.

Saying he was “fooled” when fed with wrong information, a defiant President Aquino blamed sacked SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas for the Mamasapano mission. Last Monday, he narrated his version of the operation before an audience of evangelical leaders — who were so impressed they offered him the role of Pontius Pilate in an upcoming senakulo.

Flagdown Rate
The government has ordered taxi operators to implement a 10-peso cut in their flagdown rate starting Monday, March 9. But this early, the LTFRB has been receiving complaints from commuters against cabbies who refused to give them the correct change. Apparently, many cab drivers refused to follow the order. Or as President Aquino would call them, “Napeñas.”

1gnMrs. Clooney
The Arroyo camp reported that George Clooney’s wife, lawyer Amal Alamuddin has brought the case of detained former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to the UN Commission on Human Rights. According to GMA’s lawyer Larry Gadon, Mrs. Clooney is convinced that Arroyo is a victim of political persecution. With that, Amal Alamuddin officially replaces Raymond Fortun as this month’s most hated lawyer.

Amal Alamuddin-Clooney was once the lawyer of former Libyan intelligence chief Abdallah Al Senussi who was jailed for his alleged crimes against humanity. To be fair to Mrs. Arroyo, she’s a lesser evil.

1APPLE
Apple Watch
Apple has released more details about its upcoming smartwatch, the Apple Watch. Depending on the metals used, the Apple Watch will cost from as low as $349 to as high as $17,000. The best feature of the Apple Watch is that every day, it reminds owners to stop wasting their hard-earned money on watches.

Moo-lester
A man in Brgy. Biga 2, Silang, Cavite was arrested for having sex with a pregnant cow. The suspect who was high on drugs refused to own up to his mistake and blamed the cow for giving him wrong information and fooling him into thinking that it was a woman.

1gn
Unconfirmed reports say the 46-year-old suspect in the rape of a cow in Cavite is keen on hiring Bong Revilla’s spokesperson, Raymond Fortun as lawyer. He expects Fortun to tell the media it was just an “accidental rape.”

A drug addict in Silang, Cavite was arrested for having sex with a cow. In his defense, he screwed an animal – while some politicians in Cavite were screwing taxpayers.

Zero
Last Monday, also in Malacañang, President Aquino was asked about his love life. He described it as “below zero” but expressed hope he’d find the one “in God’s time.” To which God replied, “Mission impossible.”
————————————————————————————————————————
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”
~Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

Sound Bites
“Maraming wishful thinking si Napeñas compared to reality. Maliwanag sa akin, binola ako. Madaling maipapakita sa lahat ang ebidensiya: cellphone record, witnesses, et cetera. Sinolo ni Napeñas ang misyon, siya ang nagdesisyon. Ang dami niyang desisyon; may times na ang mga desisyon niya palpak.”
~President Aquino, 3.09.2015

“Sino lang naman ba si Napeñas para itong ganito kalaking operasyon ay solohin niya ang desisyon? Ito’y alam ng kanyang superior, although suspendido pero si (Purisima) ang namamahala. The President was also briefed of this mission.”
~Vitaliano Aguirre, counsel for SAF Chief Getulio Napeñas

“This is the latest development in the shrinking of the man from a credible President to a small-minded bureaucrat trying to erase his fingerprints from a disastrous project.”
~Akbayan Rep. Walden Bello who declared Tuesday his withdrawal support for President Aquino

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino: Malacañang Photo Bureau; Getulio Napeñas: Inquirerdotnet; Amal Alamuddin: Reuters;; Apple.Com; Cow Rape: ABSCBNNews.com]





QUIZtion: Current Events Edition 2015

7 03 2015

HOW updated are you? Find out by answering this current events quiz.

1Raymond
1: According to lawyer Raymond Fortun, what did Jolo Revilla tell Bong when the senator visited his son at the Asian Hospital?
A: “Papa, I’m sorry.”
B: “Papa, siguro naman titino ka na after this.”
C: “Papa, it was an accident.”
D: “Papa, should we tell the truth?”

2: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is the leader of what group?
A: BIFF
B: KathNiel Forever-Mindanao Chapter
C: ISIS
D: Boko Haram

3: The latest study showed that the average penis size globally is 5.5 inches. At 7.1 inches, the most well hung are the people of Congo while North Koreans have the smallest penis on average, 3.8 inches. What’s the average size for Filipino men?
A: 4”
B: 4.2”
C: 4.5”
D: ‘Wag nang umasa. Wala nang ilalaki pa. It’s just A, B, or C!

4: According to economists surveyed by Bloomberg, this year’s “all-stars of the global economy” are forecast to grow more than 5 percent in 2015. That’s higher than the predicted worldwide average growth of 3.2 percent. China is expected to be No. 1. What country is ranked second?
A: Kenya
B: Japan
C: South Korea
D: Philippines

ABUSAYYAF5: Who is this man?
A: Bomb-making expert Basit Usman
B: Puregold owner Lucio Co
C: Abu Sayyaf leader Radullan Sahiron
D: Asia’s richest man Sir Ka-Shing

6: On Instagram, Kris Aquino announced that she’s treating members of the Quezon City Police District to free halo-halo in her fast food restaurant. Quezon City cops can avail themselves a total of how many free orders of halo-halo until Easter Sunday?
A: 1000
B: 100
C: 500
D: Order-All-You-Can

7: President Robert Mugabe, the oldest world leader today celebrated his 91st birthday recently with a lavish, multimillion dollar birthday party. Of which country is Mugabe president?
A: Ethiopia
B: Nigeria
C: Zimbabwe
D: Mozambique

8: Who has been tapped to play the role of asylum-seeking CIA leaker Edward Snowden in the movie to be directed by Oliver Stone?
A: Jake Gyllenhaal
B: Shia LaBeouf
C: ER Ejercito
D: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

1Valdez9: Recently indicted for plunder and seven counts of graft, party-list representative Edgar Valdez is now detained at Camp Bagong Diwa. If Bong was Pogi and Jinggoy was Sexy, what code name was used by Janet Napoles for Valdez?
A: Bigote
B: Kuryente
C: Adele Dazeem
D: Browny

10: Ranked 1,741st in the world, which athlete made it to Forbes’ elite list of billionaires?
A: Cristiano Ronaldo
B: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
C: Michael Jordan
D: Tiger Woods

11: If the Bangsamoro Basic Law is approved, how much money will be allocated annually for the envisioned new autonomous Muslim region?
A: P75 billion
B: P10 billion
C: P500 million
D: P50 billion

Jamich12: Paolinne Michelle Liggayu or Mich of the hit Youtube tandem, Jamich once joined what reality talent show?
A: StarStruck Kids
B: PBB Teen Edition 1
C: Star Circle Quest
D: StarStruck
—————————————————————————————————————
“By bringing current events into the classroom, everyday discussion, and social media, maybe we don’t need to wait for our grandchildren’s questions to remind us we should have paid more attention to current events.”
~Adora Svitak

Have a great weekend!

Answer Key:
1: A.

2: C

3: B

4: D

5: B

6: A

7: C

8: D

9: B

10: C

11: A

12: D

What does your score mean:
12-10 pts: Great! Concerned ka pa pala naman sa nangyayari sa paligid mo.
9-7: Pwede na.
6: Alam mo ‘yong tsamba?
5 or lower: Kung may time kang mag-Facebook, try mo ring magbasa ng balita. Kthxbye.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jolo/Bong: Raymond Fortun; Valdez: House of Representatives; Lucio Co: Forbes.Com; Mich Liggayu: @iovejamich)





ADULTERY, PUBLICITY AND OTHER STORIES

4 03 2015

1
A PHOTO OF A DRESS posted online created quite a stir last week. Some say the dress is black and blue while others insist it’s white and gold. The debate only stopped when Jolo Revilla was hospitalized and people started debating whether it was a suicide attempt or an accidental shooting.

The Sandiganbayan allowed Bong Revilla to visit his son Jolo at the Asian Hospital in Muntinlupa. Reports say an emotional Jolo apologized to his father. When you have done something wrong, you usually do that: You say sorry. Unless you’re the President.

Initial reports said the shooting was a suicide attempt. The next day, the Revillas’ lawyer told the press it was an accidental shooting. This unfortunate incident has definitely taught the Revillas some lessons – not just in handling weapons but in handling talent manager Lolit Solis as well.

Lump Sum
Solons have questioned a provision in the proposed Bangsamoro Basic Law that grants the new autonomous region a 27-billion peso annual lump sum. The budget is being compared to PDAF or IRA which has been declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. Here’s a tip: Compel MILF leaders to drop this demand by telling them it’s pork.

Forget about #TheDress that polarized the entire cyberspace. Here’s a more thought-provoking photo. Can you tell if these men were BIFF or MILF? The answer may surprise you.

1

Sick
Former APEC party-list Rep. Edgar Valdez has surrendered to authorities following his indictment in the P10-billion pork barrel scam. But Valdez is not in jail yet. After turning himself in, he asked to be confined at the PNP General Hospital because he’s sick. Or as other corruption suspects would call it, “in keeping with tradition.”

1Tingting vs. Kris
Last February 24, Peping Cojuangco’s wife, Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said she’d “leave the country” if her niece, Kris Aquino would win an elective post in Tarlac. When asked if she’s running for governor herself, Tingting was tightlipped. And tight-cheeked.

Tingting Cojuangco clarified that her statement on Kris Aquino was just a “figure of expression.” She was just joking – although when you look at her, it was hard to tell.

Millionaire
Sen. Koko Pimentel is reportedly filing a bill seeking to grant tax exemption for multimillionaire Manny Pacquiao in his upcoming superfight against Floyd Mayweather Jr. Pimentel said the country will generate “unprecedented honor and world recognition” because of the “tremendous publicity” that will mark the run-up to the fight. The only thing more “tremendous” than that is the publicity that Pimentel will generate in filing the bill.

1Billionaire
According to Forbes, the number of Filipino billionaires ($) has increased to 11. The worst thing about that is we’re not one of them.

Teen Daddy
According to the latest research, children of teenage dads are likely to have low IQ. On the brighter side, they’ll be great DotA players.

Adultery
Voting 6 to 2, a court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer a crime. The decision was lauded by women’s groups, proponents of individual freedom, and Bong Revilla.

Adulterous
The jealous wife of Vice Mayor Jonah Ungab of Ronda town in Cebu Province is facing frustrated murder charges for attacking her husband’s alleged mistress, 30-year-old lawyer, Jiecel Tiu. Vice Mayor Ungab has made himself scarce after the incident. Rumors say he has flown to South Korea to seek permanent residency.

1
Mrs. Pearl Ungab, the 47-year-old wife of a mayor in Cebu is facing frustrated murder charges for attacking her husband’s alleged mistress, lawyer Jiecel Tiu (above photo). Mrs. Ungab admitted that she attacked Jiecel with a baseball bat. To which Mrs. Cristina Enrile said, “Thanks for the tip.”
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they will leave behind.”
~Jeannette Walls

Sound Bites
“Papa, I’m sorry.”
~Jolo Revilla to Bong Revilla according to lawyer Raymond Fortun

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Tingting Cojuangco: Inquirerdotnet; BIFF Pic: Mark Navales/GMA News; Jiecel Tiu: Henry Sy: GMA News; Christian Maningo/Cebu Daily News]





A KRISSY WEEK

28 02 2015

“GOSH! Nakakaloka talaga ang week na ‘to, I swear! Don’t worry, I’ll tell you why. You know me naman, right? Wala akong itinatago sa publiko. Ibato n’yo nang lahat na putik o baho sa akin, keri kong lahat ‘yan. ‘Wag n’yo lang akong sasabihang gumagawa ng kwento dahil tinitiyak ko sa inyo: I am not a liar!

Sa mga ‘di pa nakakaalam, up na ‘yong blog ko. Yeahhhh. Kasi nga, multimedia queen ‘di ba? Besides, sobrang dami ko pang kwento sa inyo na hindi ko masabi sa tatlong shows ko dahil wala nang time. Pati nga sa pagtulog, kung anu-ano nang nasasabi ko eh! Share ko lang. This morning, lumapit sina Bimbz at Josh. Sabi nila, “Mom, you’re making daldal while you’re asleep last night.” Sabi ko, “Realllllly? What did I say?” Bimb answered, “You said, ‘I miss Mayor! I miss Mayor!’ You sounded kilig pa nga eh. Do you still love Tito Herbert, Mom?” NAKAKALOKA! Na-stun daw talaga ako. Wala akong naisagot. Aha-ha-ha Pati ba naman sa pagtulog, intriga pa rin?!? Hay naku.

Anyway, to continue. More than a month nang tinitira si Kuya Noy because of what happened in the South. Promise, ang daming opportunists sa world. Everyone’s taking advantage of the situation para pababain ang kapatid ko. Can’t you just wait for 2016? Hellllo!

So heto na nga… while those nega were talking about resignation, coup d’etat, transition council whatever, et cetera and all, naisipan kong mag-post sa blog ng isang bombshell. I’m sure, mababaling ang public attention sa revelation ko. You know naman the masa. Everything Krissy, kinakagat. At least maiiba naman ang topic sa news.

1
A day before the EDSA anniv, I wrote a post titled “The State of My Heart.” Bongga ‘di ba? Very SONA! Aha-ha-ha At ang pasabog ko that day, Mayor Bistek offered to marry me before we broke up last year! GRABE!!! BOMBSHELL KUNG BOMBSHELL! CONTROVERSIAL! AN EXCLUSIVE, EXPLOSIVE, EXPOSÉ! WHAT A REVELATION! Bababa ang presyo ng bilihin! Magro-rollback ang halaga ng gasolina! Maaayos ang traffic situation sa Metro Manila! Hihinto ang ikot ng mundo! Et cetera, et cetera!

Or so I thought. The next morning, I asked Darlah.

“Dear… top story ba?”

“Nasa news and showbiz section naman ng ilang websites Krissy pero sakto lang. ‘Di masyado.”

“FINE. Tse!”

And before the day ended, I received a sarcastic text message pa from Mayor. Ang sabi, “Nag-Chinese New Year na, mag-move on ka na.”

Helllllooooo! Mag-move on???? Gusto mong i-screencap ko ang sweet nothings mo via text kapag morning?!? Hmpff! I hate you! Akala mo kung sinong malaki! Ang liit-liit naman! Ay!! Ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko. Sorry! Aha-ha-ha. Promise, ‘di ko pa nakikita. But almost. A-ha-ha-ha!

1
MOVING ON… thank you nga pala kay Noy for inviting me to Malacañang last Thursday to meet French President Francois Hollande. Siyempre, fly ako sa palasyo. Palalampasin ko ba naman ang opportunity na ‘to? Minsan lang ‘to ‘no! Baka sa susunod na visit dito ni President Hollande, sina Nancy at Abby Binay na ang sumalubong. Alam mo na! Ayaw ni Korina ng ganyan. Aha-ha-ha

Parang nai-imagine ko na kapag si Mareng Nancy ang sumalubong kay President Hollande.

“Bonsoir Madame!”

“Panganay Monsieur!”

“Nagva-vaque çå vå ng çaque?”

“Oui, nagbi-bake ako ng cake.”

OR SOMETHING like that. Aha-ha-aha. I’m so mean. I love you Nancy. You know naman that our family supports your family ‘di ba. So, don’t take this personally. Love, love, love!

Sanga pala, I want you to know na mahusay ako sa French because my mom spoke French fluently. In fairness, nagamit ko ang mga itinuro niya. She must be so proud of me. I love you mom.

Speaking of moms, last Thursday kasi while I was in Malacañang, Gretchen Fullido, yeah, the other Gretchen, sing-ganda pero ‘di sing mahal, texted me that Jam of Jamich was getting weak na talaga.

1
So nagmadali talaga akong pumunta sa St. Luke’s in BGC. ‘Di na ako nagbihis. Yeahh, naka-evening gown pa ako papuntang ospital straight from Malacañang. And of course, I had to take a photo of me sa tabi ng bed ni Jam with his mom and posted this agad on Instagram.

By the way, thank you @carysantiago for that fabulous gown. Bongga ka talaga! I love youuuuu.

Finally, before I end this long kwento… gusto ko lang mag-react sa statement ng isang matandang relative namin.

1
She’s been saying negative things about Kuya Noy for so long and matagal-tagal na rin akong nagtitimpi. Unang-una, hindi ka namin kadugo. Nakiki-Cojuangco ka lang. ‘Kita naman sa skin ‘no. Ang layo! EXCUSEZ-MOI! ‘Yan, napa-French tuloy ako sa sobrang inis. Ayoko nang mag-elaborate! Basta ang skin namin nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, (Ate) Viel and even Kuya Noy, gumagalaw pa. Ewan ko lang ‘yong sa iba d’yan!

And I have to be honest. I was offended when she said na aalis daw siya ng Tarlac kapag tumakbo akong governor. CARE BEARS! Firstly, hindi ako interesadong maging governor ‘no! Helllllo! It’s the Senate or nothing! Secondly, kahit umalis ka pa ng Tarlac, ng Pilipinas o ng Earth, NOBODY WOULD CARE. You were junked by Filipinos last elections remember? HELLLLLOOOO! Kahit yata tumakbo kang walang kalaban, you wouldn’t win! Tse!

Nakaka-stress these people! Palibhasa, ‘di nila mahawakan sa leeg si Noy. Hay naku Krissy… focus on positive things na lang. Blessed ka naman ‘di ba? LOVE, LOVE, LOVE na lang.

FOR MORE CHIKA, visit my blog please. Marami pa akong update about my interrupted romance with Mayor. Promise, malalaman n’yo na ang size ng shoes niya… exclusive! And you know naman what they say kapag malaki o maliit ang sapatos ‘di ba? BASTA!

Darlah, text mo naman si Darren Espanto o. Ask mo kung pwede siyang kumanta sa bahay mamaya. Pampa-good vibes lang. And tell Darren, I have gifts for him, ok? Thanks!
————————————————————————————————————
“The most basic way to get someone’s attention is this: Break a pattern.”
~Chip Heath, Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die

Sound Bites
“Super dedmabels sa mga nega. I have no skeletons in any closet left, hanggang bulalo ko alam n’yo na ang kwento. And sa kadaldalan ko, may anomalya bang magaganap na makakalusot? But politics is not happening this 2016. For now, I am blessed to be an entertainer (host and occasional actress), an endorser, a producer, a website owner, a restaurant franchise owner, an investor, and a mother.”
~Kris Aquino

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Star: Kris/Herbert; PixGood.Com: Tingting; Kris Aquino’s Instagram]





WEIRD, DIFFERENT

24 02 2015

1xs
THE 87th ACADEMY AWARDS were held Monday morning (Manila time). The biggest winner was the film ‘Birdman,’ a black comedy. ‘Birdman’ tells the story of a man famous for portraying an iconic superhero who has lost his luster. His critics are now calling for his resignation and the formation of a transitional council.

1xs
Eddie Redmayne won the Best Actor Oscar for his compelling performance in the biopic ‘The Theory of Everything.’ It’s about an intelligent man’s physical decline, personal struggles, and the collapse of his marriage. But enough about Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. We should talk about Stephen Hawking instead.

Graham Moore won the Best Adapted Screenplay award for ‘The Imitation Game,’ another biopic. Moore delivered one of the night’s most memorable acceptance speeches. Growing up, he said, he felt weird and he felt different. Now, he’s an Oscar winner. His advice to people was to, “Stay weird, stay different.” Not to be confused with President Aquino’s philosophy in life: “Stay weird, stay indifferent.”

1xsSuperbout
The superbout between undefeated Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao will take place in Las Vegas, Nevada on May 2nd. To prepare for the fight, Pacquiao will take a leave from his TV program and the PBA. However, Pacquiao cannot be absent from Congress because he was never even there in the first place.

Manny Pacquiao will slug it out with undefeated American Floyd Mayweather Jr. in Las Vegas on May 2. Mayweather will definitely be Pacquiao’s toughest opponent yet since Kim Henares.

1RevGotcha!
Bong Revilla strongly denied reports that he left his detention cell at the PNP Custodial Center to attend the birthday party of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile recently. Unfortunately for Revilla, two photos of him and his sons at the party have surfaced, and Manila Bulletin columnist, Milwida Guevara, a faculty member at the Ateneo De Manila University claimed to have seen him at the celebration. In totally unrelated item, you can’t spell ‘Revilla’ without ‘liar.’

According to Bong Revilla, reports that he was present at the birthday celebration of Senator Enrile were “baseless, malicious and outright lies.” To which, the above photo replied, “Huling-huli na! Nagdi-deny pa! Eh ‘di wow!”

Napoles Hurt
Reports say pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles has asked the Sandiganbayan to prevent the release of her new mug shots because she’s been hurt by comments on the Internet particularly, on social media. Which begs the question, “Why does she have access to the Internet and social media?”

1xsMars One Program
From a field of more than 200,000 candidates, two Filipinas made it to Mars One project’s shortlist of people who wanted to travel to planet Mars. The two Filipinas aced the second round of interviews in which two simple questions were asked: “Are you nuts?” and “What the hell are you thinking?”

New Planet
Scientists have reportedly discovered a rare planet with extreme seasons. It is called Planet Women.

Extremes
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said January 2015 was the second warmest January ever. While February, the month of love has always been the coldest.

1xsXian vs. Salceda
Albay Governor Joey Salceda lashed out at Xian Lim for his alleged rude behavior when he was invited as guest in the province recently. Lim who reportedly refused to wear an Albay tourism promo shirt said, “I’m not here to promote Albay.” Also, Lim was said to be aloof and very cold to Salceda’s staff. Still, Salceda and his staff were lucky they were with Xian only for a day. Imagine what Kim Chiu has to contend with almost everyday.

The governor of Albay, Joey Salceda had a public tiff with Xian Lim. As we all know, Salceda and Xian are very different. One is a feisty, single, hardworking, and respected individual who has been rumored to be gay, and the other one is a governor.
———————————————————————————————————————————
“They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
~Kurt Cobain

1GMSound Bites
“I tried to commit suicide at 16 and now I’m standing here. I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she doesn’t fit in anywhere. You do. Stay weird. Stay different, and then when it’s your turn and you are standing on this stage please pass the same message along.”
~Graham Moore, Winner, Best Adapted Screenplay for ‘The Imitation Game’ – 87th Academy Awards

Peace!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Getty Images: Birdman and Redmayne; Pacquiao/Mayweather: Daily News UK; Bong Revilla: Inquirer.Net; Mars One; Xian/Salceda: Inquirer.Net; Graham Moore: Hitfix.Com]





PEPING, FENG SHUI, AND OTHER STORIES

20 02 2015

AUTHORITIES say there’s no truth to rumors spreading via SMS that terrorists will bomb crowded areas in at least four cities in Metro Manila. It’s a hoax. In fact, the odds of getting killed by terrorists is so much lower than say, your chance of getting killed by riding the MRT.

Philstar_PepingUncle Peping
Former congressman Jose ‘Peping’ Cojuangco wants President Aquino to step down. In calling for his nephew’s resignation, Cojuangco said the government must be reformed. To which, Aquino replied, “You first.”

Former congressman Peping Cojuangco wants his nephew, Noynoy Aquino to step down as president of the Philippines. In response, Aquino was like, “Only if you’ll step down as president of the Philippine Olympic Committee.”

Peping Cojuangco said, “I believe God’s hand is now moving in favor of major reforms this country needs.” When sought for comment on Cojuangco’s statement, God said, “Sino ‘yon?”

NTC_VidalBishops, Too
At least six Catholic bishops have reportedly called for the resignation of President Aquino. Cebu Archbishop Emeritus Cardinal Vidal, in a statement said, “recent developments have made the resignation call even more urgent and imperative.” Of course, President Aquino and Cardinal Vidal are different. One is an old, loveless, sad man whose influence and credibility have clearly diminished, and the other one is President Aquino.

LGBT Rights
According to an SWS survey, 85 percent of Filipinos believe that lesbians and gays have the right to be protected against the Catholic Church, excuse me, discrimination.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!
Feng shui expert Hanz Cua says 2015 is a lucky year for President Aquino. When he heard this, Peping Cojuangco immediately called for reforms in the feng shui industry.

Cua
According to feng shui expert Hanz Cua, President Aquino “will have a very happy love life.” Times like this, that’s exactly what the President needs to hear from people like Hanz Cua: false hope.

The President will have a girlfriend in 2015 according to a feng shui expert. The potential girlfriend has been described as young, beautiful, and a huge fan of Hugh Hefner.

Lent
Ash Wednesday marks the start of Lent. Traditionally, Christians give up something for this annual observance as a sacrifice. Some people give up certain food or drink; others give up habits or something they truly love. President Aquino gave up Alan Purisima in advance.

Arrested
Former Masbate representative and incumbent governor Rizalina Seachon-Lanete surrendered to authorities Thursday. She is facing plunder and graft charges in connection with the pork barrel scam. Lanete has asked the Sandiganbayan that she be locked up in the PNP Custodial Center in Camp Crame where Jinggoy and Bong Revilla are currently detained. In other news, authorities have denied reports that the PNP Custodial Center will be renamed PNP Crocodile Center.

Final!
The Supreme Court has ruled with finality on the disqualification of former Laguna governor ER Ejercito for overspending in the 2013 elections. He was prevented from taking his post back. When will the Supreme Court prevent him from making movies and cringe-worthy posters?

E.R. Ejercito recently announced his plans of acting in a movie about the Fallen 44. Netizens were divided on the issue. Fifty percent didn’t like idea; the other 50 percent hated it.

CuaPhotoshop
Design and image editing tool Photoshop has just turned 25. Happy birthday Photoshop! And thank you for making so many people feel so much better about themselves.
————————————————————————————————————-
“The power-hungry individual follows a path to his own destruction.”
~Adler

12
“Why would he do that movie? As a movie actor, I don’t see any good reason to make it as a movie. It could be in bad taste. The tension is still very high. It will only generate animosity. There is nothing to be proud about the incident. I am very much against it.”
~Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada on ER Ejercito’s plan of doing a SAFF44 movie

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philstar.Com: Peping Cojuangco; NTC Facebook: Vidal; Masterhanzcua.com; ViralNova.com: Angelina Jolie; ER Ejercito’s Facebook]





AQUINO & BINAY… LIVE!

17 02 2015

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, the President and the Vice President of the Republic of the Philippines….

1
AQUINO: Mga minamahal kong kababayan
BINAY: Mahal ko rin ho kayo mga kababayan. Doble pa.

Nagpasya kaming humarap sa inyo dahil sa mga pangyayari sa ating bansa ngayon.
Kung ako lang ho ang masusunod ay hindi ko gagawin ito. Nakikisama lang talaga ako.

Hindi po lingid sa inyong kaalaman, dumaraan sa matinding krisis ang aking administrasyon.
Technically, bahagi rin po ako ng administrasyon pero hindi ko naman masyadong ramdam ang tinutukoy na krisis.

Masakit pong mapagbintangang nagsisinungaling.
Alam ko ‘yan.

Pinagdududahan na rin nila ang aking mga pahayag.
Relate ako d’yan.

At kinukuwestyon ang aking kredibilidad.
Sanayan lang.

Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring hinto ang mga puna at batikos.
‘Buti na lang ‘yong sa akin lumamig na.

Sa harap ng pagsubok na ito, isa lang ang tinitiyak ko sa inyo: hindi po ako magnanakaw!
Teka, ba’t naman napunta d’yan ang usapan? ‘Di ba Maguindanao ang isyu? Balik tayo do’n.

Ang mga maka-Kaliwang grupo, panay na panay ang bira sa akin.
Nabasa ko nga sa diyaryo.

Wala ka bang reaksyon sa sinabi ko Manong Jojo?
Hindi ko masyadong narinig ang sinabi mo. Sorry.

Pati mga obispong walang kibo sa corruption ni Arroyo noon, tinitira na rin ako ngayon!
‘Yan ang ‘di ko pa nabasa. No comment muna.

Tama po bang pababain ako sa puwesto? Tama po bang pilitin akong iwan ang sinumpaan kong tungkulin?
Sumagot kayo mga kababayan. Kayo ho yata ang tinatanong, hindi ako.

At kung susundin ko ang kagustuhan nilang ako’y magbitiw, sigurado ba silang matino ang papalit sa akin?
To be fair, wala pa naman silang binabanggit na pangalan. Huwag ka munang manghusga Noy. Hintayin muna natin.

Sa pagkakataong ito, nagpapasalamat ako kay Manong Jojo dahil hindi yata siya sang-ayong ako’y mag-resign.
Mabilis na ang one year Noy. Hindi naman ako gano’n kaatat. Kaya ko namang maghintay.

Manong, hindi ko puwedeng kalimutan ang suporta n’yo sa aking ama’t ina.
Salamat Noy.

Hindi ko rin puwedeng kalimutan ang paglaban natin noon sa kurapsyon sa pamahalaan.
Salamat Noy.

Ano hong nangyari?
Salamat Noy.

Hindi mo sinagot ang tanong ko Manong Jojo.
Hindi ko masyadong naintindihan ang tanong. Nagti-text ako. Pero tama ka. Malalim ang ating pinagsamahan.

Pareho tayong lumaban sa diktadurya.
Pareho tayong lumaban kay Gloria.

Pareho tayong may hacienda.
Gago ka.

Joke lang Manong! What I mean is, malayo na ho ang narating natin pareho. Mula Makati City… biglang naging pangalawang pangulo. Suwerte!
Namatay si Tita Cory, biglang naging presidente. Mas suwerte!

Ang nais ko lang iparating sa mga nanonood ngayon: kitang-kita naman po ninyo – matatag ang ating administrasyon.
Ahhh, kaya pala isinama mo ako rito.

Hindi naman sa gano’n Manong. Sama-sama po nating lalampasan ang krisis na ito.
‘Pag krisis n’yo, kasama ako? ‘Pag krisis ko, akin lang? Gano’n?!

Gano’n na nga ho, este… Inuulit ko, wala ho akong balak bumaba sa puwesto.
Try mo ring mag-isip-isip pa. Baka naman nabibigla ka lang. May time ka pa para mag-decide talaga with finality.

Tatapusin ho natin ang aking termino, at sa 2016, isasalin natin nang maayos ang liderato sa mahahalal na bagong pangulo.
Wow, thank you.

Ay! ‘Wag pakasigurado.
Gago.

Maraming salamat at magandang gabi po sa inyong lahat.
Sana nga.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start”

~Coldplay, The Scientist

Pic of the Weak
According to the dictionary, an opportunist is a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans. In other news, unseated Laguna governor ER Ejercito is doing a movie on the Fallen 44.

12Sound Bites
“Ang papel ni Norberto Gonzales, manggulo sa Pilipinas.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on the alleged coup plot vs. Presidente Aquino

#PrayForEREjercito

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino and Binay: Inquirer.Net;  ER Ejercito’s Facebook via ABS-CBN News]

 








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