THE SECOND HALF

5 12 2014

THE YEAR is almost over. Here’s a recap of some of my [personal] favorite posts from July to the present. In case you missed it…

#1muPork Barrel Fund Scam
Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, Senator Enrile was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

The Sandiganbayan granted Gigi Reyes’s petition to undergo a brain scan at the PGH. The controversial lawyer, who is facing plunder charges reportedly banged her head against the wall last August 5. Aww, that’s unfortunate. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wall.

A news report says Jinggoy Estrada is suffering from the same illness as Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: arthritis of the neck. The report has been dismissed as baseless and preposterous mostly because Jinggoy doesn’t have a neck.

The Anti-Money Laundering Council has discovered that Bong Revilla lied in his SALN. Among other things.

1BINThe Binays
Vice President Binay’s rating in Pulse Asia’s September 2014 survey on Filipinos’ presidential preferences dropped to 31 percent from 41 percent in June. Rumors say Binay is depressed because he lost 10 percent – something that’s unusual for him. He’s so used to gaining 13 percent.

Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he will run for president in 2016 if Vice President Binay is adopted by the Liberal Party. In short, the next elections will probably be a choice between Estrada and Binay. One is a womanizing, graft-tainted, long-serving politician and the other one is Erap.

Of the government’s four highest-ranking officials, Vice President Binay got the highest trust and approval rating. It was so high… Junjun Binay had to take the elevator.

Vice President Binay insists corruption allegations against him and his family are politically-motivated because he continues to top presidential surveys. Detractors should also be wary of the fact that mudslinging the Binays is a waste of mud.

1MCORR
Makati residents gathered in front of the building to show their support for the Binays. One resident held a placard that said, “Walang corrupt sa Makati.” In totally unrelated news, wala na raw Katoliko sa Vatican City.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an air-conditioned piggery – the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after Batasang Pambansa.

The release of his youngest daughter’s Instagram photos has angered Vice President Binay. For him, what Alan Peter Cayetano did was too much. Joanna Marie Binay who captioned one of her photos, “Our place in Batangas.” has since deactivated her Instagram account. Antonio Tiu couldn’t help but pity the young Binay. He was so affected he came close to admitting that he owned the Instagram account.

Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

1NOYPresident Aquino
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

According to online reports, President Aquino’s motorcade halted traffic on Haight St. in San Francisco, California when his entourage dropped by a McDonald’s restaurant to eat lunch. After finishing his meal, President Aquino bought some McDonald’s toys for his allies in Congress. Each of his solon-friends will get a Hamburglar.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Filipinos do not want a second term for President Aquino. The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne, and Elenita.

November 7 marks the first anniversary of Super Typhoon Yolanda. President Aquino and his men visited the areas most severely damaged by the super typhoon. First stop, Malacañang.

A group wants President Aquino to seek a second term saying he’s “the best and only successor.” The group calls itself “MORE2COME.” Personally though, President Aquino finds “MORE2COME” a bit of a challenge. At his age.

Phivolcs says Mayon Volcano is restive again and an “eruption is possible within weeks.” When President Aquino heard this, he said, “’Buti pa ‘yong Mayon, pumuputok pa.”

2IMImelda
On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Arrested
Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

At least 10 police officers were allegedly behind the EDSA-Mandaluyong robbery-abduction case last week.Two of the cops were “repeat offenders.” SPO1 Ramil Hachero and PO2 Jonathan Rodriguez were slapped with the same charges in 2011. Apparently, they never learned. Hachero and Rodriguez are the Jinggoy Estrada of the police force.

1PacPacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been drafted in the PBA by the team that earlier named him as coach. The world class boxer-turned actor-turned politician-turned TV host-turned motivational speaker-turned cager will suit up as KIA’s playing coach. That explains why TV5’s latest programming puts the PBA under the category ‘Sitcom.’

At the PBA Rookie Draft on Sunday, KIA also picked Manny’s cousin, the unheralded and the inexperienced Rene Pacquiao. Observers believe he was chosen only because of Manny’s influence and popularity. Rene Pacquiao is the Nancy Binay of the PBA.

Congested
According to the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, the congestion rate of jails nationwide is now at 326 percent. In fact, some detention cells reportedly have congestion rates of more than 1,000 percent. However, not all facilities with criminals are congested. Exception: Batasang Pambansa.

Attraction
Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.

Brownouts
Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Be Proud
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

Three years after signing a five-year [rumored] billion-peso contract with TV5, actress Sharon Cuneta has severed ties with the Kapatid Network. Sources say it wasn’t an easy decision. The Megastar will leave the network with a heavy heart, hips, arms, and thighs.

1JBVideo Scandal
TV host Paolo Bediones has filed a formal complaint against people who released and uploaded copies of his sex video. The PNP says the uploaded sex video is a vital piece of hard evidence that will definitely stand up in court.

Part 2 of newsman Paolo Bediones’s sex video is reportedly being shared online. Bediones has since apologized to his home network, and to Hayden Kho for ‘copyright infringement.’

Cheaters
A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
—————————————————————————————
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“That’s out of the question. He’s not running for vice president. He prefers to tend to his business than run for vice president.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar on former senator Manny Villar

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ADULTERY

2 12 2014

ASHLEY MADISON, the controversial website that encourages adultery has been launched in the Philippines. But Justice Secretary Leila Lima reminds the public, adultery is punishable under the Revised Penal Code. De Lima urges telecom companies to block the site – drawing criticisms from some netizens, Internet freedom advocates, and Bong Revilla.

1al
Ashley Madison, a controversial website that encourages adultery was recently launched in the Philippines. Joseph Estrada described it as “too late.”

A website that promotes adultery has been launched in the Philippines. Ashley Madison’s tagline is, “Ang buhay ay maikli. Mangaliwa.” Senator Enrile completely disagrees. With the ‘buhay’ part.

Top 5 Submitted But Rejected Taglines for Ashley Madison

No. 5:
Bibliya na ang nagsabi: Humayo kayo’t magpakarami.
Mangaliwa.

No. 4:
1,2,3 asawa ni Marie
Araw-gabi, walang panty.
Mangaliwa.

No. 3:
Ibagsak ang rehimeng US-Aquino!
Mangaliwa.

No. 2:
Kung Diyos nga, nakapagpatawad, misis mo pa kaya?
Mangaliwa.

And the No. 1 rejected Ashley Madison tagline:

Hindi ka man dating pangulo
Wala ka man ngayon sa Senado
Kakayanin mo.
Mangaliwa.

1BiazonAdultery Map
China has released an “adultery map” which identified areas where the most number of government officials who are unfaithful to their partners are staying. In the Philippines, that area is called “session hall.”

No Bail
The Sandiganbayan has junked the petitions for temporary liberty filed by Janet Lim-Napoles, Bong Revilla, and his chief of staff Richard Cambe. According to the Sandiganbayan, “There exists strong evidence that accused Revilla, Cambe and Napoles, in conspiracy with one another, committed the capital offense of plunder.” Hence, no bail for Napoles, no bail for Revilla, no bail for Cambe. Sounds like gold, frankincense and myrrh for taxpayers. Merry Christmas!

In a statement, Bong Revilla expressed disappointment that his bail motion was junked. The action star said, “Hindi pa tapos ang laban… darating din ang tamang panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I cannot promise.”

Victims?
A third motorist has surfaced claiming he also had a bad encounter with mauled MMDA traffic enforcer Jorbe Adriatico. All three have denied rumors they were in cahoots with Cedric Lee.

1alThe Debutante
Legendary folk singer Freddie Aguilar’s girlfriend, Jovie Albao celebrated her 18th birthday recently. What a milestone! Just a little over two years ago, Jovie admitted she was carbon dating Ka Freddie.

It has been two years since Ka Freddie Aguilar married Jovie. Who could forget that moment? Ka Freddie was a dashing, proud groom while Jovie was a pretty flower girl.

Mass Extinction
Scientists say the planet is on the verge of its sixth mass extinction. With daily Twitter trending topics like #KathNielonGGV, #ChicserInvadesMetropolisAlabang #JaDineForever and #JoshAneRocks, maybe this generation deserves that.
——————————————————————————————————————–
“The only thing worse than the guilt was the fear of getting caught.”
~Elin Hilderbrand, A Summer Affair

Sound Bites
“Masyado nang malalim ang atraso ng mga Aquino sa mga Ejercito. Tinanggal na ni Cory Aquino si Erap bilang mayor at presidente. Ngayon naman, tinanggal ako saka si Senator Jinggoy.”
~ER Ejercito, unseated Laguna governor

“Mismong ang Korte Suprema ay inuphold ‘yong desisyon ng Commission on Elections na isang independent constitutional body. Ipinapakita natin sa mga mamamayan na hindi balewala ang mga tadhana ng batas na kinakailangang sundin ang mga patakaran.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma reacting to ER Ejercito’s tirades

Poll Results
1polliCON

Happy December!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ashley Madison, Nick&Zuzu.com, ABS-CBN News]





ELEVATORS

28 11 2014

1BIN

MANNY PACQUIAO was feted in Makati City last Thursday. A motorcade was held in honor of the People’s Champ for beating Chris Algieri. Joining Pacquiao on the float were his trusted aides as well as Ilocos Sur Gov. Chavit Singson and Mayor Junjun Atienza.

Mauled
An MMDA traffic constable was reportedly dragged and mauled Thursday morning by a certain Joseph Russel Abacan Ingco who was then driving a flashy sports car. Unconfirmed reports say Ingco, who is facing charges of serious physical injuries, is 39 years old and a huge fan of Chris Brown, Cedric Lee and Claudine Barretto.

1Inday
An MMDA traffic constable was allegedly punched several times by Maserati driver Joseph Russel Abacan Ingco last Thursday. Witnesses described Ingco as a dangerous foe who landed more blows than Chris Algieri.

At press time, mauling suspect Joseph Russel Ingco has yet to surrender to authorities. In a statement released through his lawyer on Friday, Ingco said, “the truth will come out.” To which, his victim said, “You first!”

Bribery
According to a survey conducted by the Office of the Ombudsman, fewer Filipinos now give bribes to government officials or employees. They just drag, and punch them several times then flee.

1ERER
The Supreme Court upheld a Comelec ruling that ousted Laguna Governor ER Ejercito for overspending in the 2013 elections. ER can now concentrate on overspending for the promo of his film fest entry.

The High Tribunal upheld a Comelec decision removing ER Ejercito from his post. ER can now focus on removing his pores for his next movie poster.

Elevators
1condoUntitled
“INDAY, you call Berto na. Mali-late na ‘ka mo sa school si Katarina.

Yes ma’am.

And you tell him to use the service elevator pag-akyat ok? Not the passenger elevator.

Yes ma’am.

Uy, you’re all there na pala. Sorry. I didn’t notice. Anyway, I just wanna make kwento lang sana about this elevator controversy on social media. It’s so unfair kasi. It’s as if the property manager murdered or made kawawa some less privileged people when in fact, she did not.

One morning kasi, I was in a hurry. Pag-press ko ng elevator, there were like two yayas inside and a driver and another madungis-looking guy. Pagtingin ko sa dalawang yaya, they were like giggling. Yeah, they were like this o, making faces pa. When I hopped in, na-realize ko why they were behaving that way. Gosh, ‘yong blouse ko pala kakulay ng uniform ng isa sa mga yaya. Pati ‘yong design ng pocket, halos pareho. I wanted to die. Promise. I was so like, “Do I stab myself na lang?” But since I was running late na, wala na akong choice. Tongue inah.

Heto pa! Habang pa-down ang elevator, may mga eksena pa sila. The driver was singing this uber annoying OPM. I forgot the title but it went something like, “Neseyo ne eng lehet, patty ang poozo ko…” Eeew. He was like serenading the two yayas who were so kilig. Kainis! I swear, never again!

I was so malas yata that week kasi the next day, when I invited some friends to the condo, may nakasabay naman kaming maid. She was like carrying two brown bags of veggies. ‘Tapos nabutas yata ‘yong isang bag kaya ‘yong stench ng radish and onions kumalat sa buong elevator. My friends hate radish pa naman ‘coz it smells like poopoo. I was so embarrassed. Gusto ko nang mag-vanish sa sobrang hiya. Promise.

It didn’t end there pa. Bad luck comes in threes nga yata. Around 10 o’clock, when I was making hatid my friends sa lobby, sakto namang sumakay ‘yong plumber na laging nagsi-service sa adjacent unit. Kadiri ang amoy huh! I can’t even! Parang lumipat sa damit ko ang smell ng kung anumang corrosive material na nasa toolbox niya. Nakakasira ng gabi! ‘Di ba?!?

Before the week ended, I called the attention of the management. Kasi nga, there’s a service elevator naman for tsima-a-a and drivers and tuberos and construction workers, and other Manongs and Manangs of this world, why are they being allowed to use the freakin’ passenger elevator?!? I mean, I paid millions of pesos for my unit, hellooooo?!! Siguro naman, I have the right to complain ‘di ba?

And that’s not even discrimination. That’s putting things in order. And helllooooo, may nag-complain na bang tsimay o driver d’yan? Nein! Zilch! It’s just those super OA social media people who are raising hell over a non-issue! Again, hellllooooo, it’s been happening like everywhere! Anong problema n’yo?! You haven’t even stayed in a condo so please… shut the hell up.

Anyway, ayoko nang patulan pa ang mga ‘yan. I have better things to do. I’ll shop na lang. You know, when I’m so inis, I spend. Habit ko na ‘yan. Wait! Inday?

Ma’am, nasa baba na po si Berto. Ihahatid ko na po si Katarina. Pwede po ba akong mag-passinjir elebeytor?

Aba, natural! Alangan namang iwan mong mag-isa sa elevator si baby girl.

Ambot sa imo!

Ano’ng sabi mo?

Wala po ma’am.

Good! Pagbalik mo, mag-service elevator ka!

Pisting yawa!

—#—-

1fartSweet!
A 65-year-old Frenchman claims to have developed a pill that makes people’s farts smell sweet – like roses or chocolates. Talk about eau de toilette!

A Frenchman has developed a pill that makes people’s farts smell like chocolates. People will soon be asking, “Who’s eating a Toblerone? Can I have some?”

Ser Chief
On Friday, the drama series ‘Be Careful With My Heart’ aired its last episode. The airing of the finalé shocked so many Filipinos who asked, “You mean, may ‘Be Careful With My Heart pa?!?”
————————————————————————————————————–
“Reducing a group to a slur or stereotype reduces us all.”
~DaShanne Stokes

1condoUntitled
Sound Bites
“It’s hard to please everyone, but this is just how the world is.”
~Katherine P. Garrido, Property Manager, Icon Residences

HAVE A FUN WEEKEND!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News: Pacquiao, ABSCBN News: Ingco; NewsRealBlog.com: Nanny Cartoon;  Poch Ceballos: Memo]





MANNY MATTERS

24 11 2014

1al
MANNY PACQUIAO scored a convincing win against undefeated American Chris Algieri Sunday noon in Macau. Analysts say vintage Pacquiao is back. They described his performance as “world-class.” Pacquiao was quick to deny though that his training equipment were overpriced.

While the odds were clearly not in his favor, Chris Algieri bravely faced his opponent and did not back out. Take that Vice President Binay!

The lopsided fight lasted 12 rounds. The judges scored it 119-103, 120-102, and 119-103 all for Manny Pacquiao who retained his WBO welterweight title. To be fair, Chris Algieri retained his Mr. Photogenic title.

CompuBox statistics showed Manny Pacquiao landed 229 of 669 punches thrown while Algieri landed 108 of 469 blows. That’s 229 vs. 108. Both boxers were nothing though compared to the Vice President who’s also landed. Something like 350… hectares.

1md
As expected, Mommy Dionisia became a side attraction on Sunday. Before Manny Pacquiao showcased his craft, Mommy D showed some witchcraft.

At least 16 congressmen flew to Macau to watch Manny Pacquiao’s fight last Sunday. There was this super awkward moment at the NAIA when airport personnel alerted authorities about a possible attempt at wildlife smuggling.

Inspiration. While throwing punches at Pacquiao, Chris Algieri was imagining the championship belt. While throwing punches at Algieri, Pacquiao was imagining Kim Henares.

Pic of the Weak
Ano ang gustong sabihin ng lalaki sa bandang kaliwa?

1MPE
A: “Kay Manny ako titingin, kunwari ‘di ko alam na may nakatutok na camera. Baka kasi masabihan na naman akong papansin.”

B: “Mga dalawa o tatlong laban pa siguro ‘tong bata ko. ‘Wag muna sana s’yang magreretiro. Sayang din ang kikitain ‘no!”

C: “Leche kasi itong security, inagaw ang nakasanayan kong puwesto. Buwisit!”

D: “Sa mga Pinoy na nanonood ngayon: wala akong pakialam sa mga batikos n’yo! Punyeta kayong lahat! Mamatay kayo sa inggit!”

1BiazonAlias
Pork scam whistleblower Benhur Luy revealed that Janet Lim-Napoles also used the codename “Cong. Biazon” for Jinggoy Estrada. When Ruffy Biazon heard this, he vowed to inquire, investigate, and lose weight.

Pic of the Weak 2
Ano ang gustong sabihin ng lalaki sa gitna?

1JE
A: “Ang laki kasi ng t’yan ng gagong ‘to. Kalahati lang tuloy ng katawan ko ang kita sa picture.”

B: “Mommy naman, anong nakakatawa do’n?! Kasalanan ko ba kung look-alike ko raw si Ruffy Biazon? Choosy pa ba siya?!”

C: “Parang may nararamdaman akong kakaiba ah. Amoy kandila. Syet. Kinikilabutan ako. Feeling ko, may naglalakad na kaluluwa sa aking likuran.”

D: “Tengene nemen. Bakit nagiging kamukha yata ni JV ‘tong si Jude. Hindi ko yata keri.”

Pic of the Weak 3:
Location: Makati City Hall Quadrangle, November 10, 2014
Ano ang sinasabi ng matandang lalaki sa dalawa nitong kasama?

1BIN
A: “Ilang beses ko pa bang dapat sabihin? Wala kayong dapat alalahanin! Sigurado na tayo sa 2016! Chill!”

B: “Pakisabi kay Nancy tigil-tigilan na ang pagsasalita sa media. Minsan kasi walang kwenta. Pati ako napapailing na lang.”

C: “O, nasaan ang mga payong n’yo? Ang init-init, ‘di kayo nagdala – ‘tapos kung kailan gabi saka kayo magpapayong. Kaya kayo nababatikos eh!”

D: “Ipaliwanag n’yo ‘yan! Bakit dinuguan ang pa-birthday sa akin ng Makati Councilors’ League? Baaaakit!?!%$#2@!”

Useless
According to a recent study, regular exercise may not help improve the blood sugar level of Type 2 diabetics – especially if the exercise involves running back and forth – between the couch and the refrigerator.
——————————————————————————————————————
“The road to hell was paved with the bones of men who did not know when to quit fighting.”
~Paulette Jiles

Sound Bites
“The fans deserve that fight…. I am ready to fight him next year.”
~Manny Pacquiao on Floyd Mayweather Jr.

“You want to say it’s campaigning, bakit? What’s wrong with what I’m doing?”
~Vice President Binay on his market tour

Have a great week!

[Photos: PDI: Biazon/Jinggoy, GMA News.Com: Binay, Jinggoy/Jude, and Chavit/Pacquiao]





BINAY’S FAVORITE THINGS

21 11 2014

VICE PRESIDENT Binay sings ‘My Favorite Things’ from ‘The Sound of Music.’

Sing along with the veep by clicking this:

Condos and mansions
A horse ranch and chickens
Pig farm with aircon
A huge orchid garden

A car park dubbed as
a world-class building
These are a few of my favorite things

1BKaraoke
Ebeng Baloloy
and Gerry Limlingan
Know all my secrets
But wait, where are they now?!

Toby and Jonvic,
hosannas they sing
These are a few of my favorite things

1BS
Boy scouts, Tiu, APO
Enrile and Erap
Noynoy’s four sisters
And LPs who’ll lipat

Palace and power in 2016
These are a few of my favorite things

1BS

When the news bites
When the probe stings
When I’m feeling mad
I just count my money:
That’s my favorite thing
And then I don’t feel… so bad.

[Repeat from the top]

Pic of the Week
When Bong Revilla and former Makati City Mayor Elenita Binay, both charged with graft, bumped into each other at the Sandiganbayan, ano kaya ang sinabi nila sa isa’t isa?

1BI:
BONG: Ma’am, proud po ako dahil kayo ang kahanay ko. I am in good company.
MRS. BINAY: Ulol! Ikaw lang ‘yan.

II:
BONG: Ma’am, alam n’yo bang naniniwala ako sa kasabihang, “Birds of a feather, flock together?”

MRS. BINAY:

BONG: Jooooooke! Kayo naman ‘di na mabiro!

III:
BONG: Ma’am, may chance pa kaya akong maging runningmate ni Vice?

MRS. BINAY: Bakit? May chance ka bang lumaya bago mag-2016?

BONG:

MRS. BINAY: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang. Hihihi

IV.
BONG: Ma’am, totoo bang sa inyo ang hacienda sa Batangas?

MRS. BINAY: Totoo bang kumita ka kay Napoles?

BONG:

MRS BINAY:

BONG AND MRS. BINAY: Joooooke!!!
—————————————————————————————————
“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.”
~Socrates

Sound Bites
“Ipinapaalala ni Pangulong Aquino ang kahalagahan ng paggawad ng katarungan para sa marami pang nakabinbing [isyu] bunsod ng diktadurya, kabilang na ang human rights violations at alleged ill-gotten wealth.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma reacting to Bongbong Marcos’s call for an end to the “feud” between the Marcos and the Aquino families

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: JMBlicious via Rappler: Binay Karaoke; Trish Roque: Bong and Binay]





WALKERS

18 11 2014

1ebola
AFTER BEING criticized over Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin walked out of the G20 summit, a gathering of the world’s largest economies in Australia. “He has been prejudged by the other leaders,” according to his spokesman Jonvicov Remullev.

After being grilled on the issue of Ukraine occupation, Russian President Vladimir Putin walked out of the G20 summit. Putin was offended when one of the leaders showed a photo of his daughter beside a swimming pool with the caption, “Our place in Kiev, Ukraine.”

Home
According to a recent study, a clean house can lead to ethical behavior. Apparently, both houses of Congress are dirty.

1ebolaHome, Too
The Philippine College of Physicians criticized acting Health Sec. Janette Garin and top AFP officials for visiting without any protective gear and interacting with quarantined Filipino peacekeepers who have just arrived from Ebola-hit Liberia. The peacekeepers couldn’t wait to come home. Garin couldn’t wait to become secretary.

Top health and military officials without any protective gear visited and interacted with more than a hundred quarantined Filipino peacekeepers who have just arrived from Ebola-hit Liberia. The good news is there’s cure for Ebola. The bad news is there’s still no cure for stupidity.

Check-Up
Detained senator Bong Revilla stayed overnight at the St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig City for a check-up. Bong underwent a Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) and a Magnetic Resonance Angiography (MRA) of the brain. The doctors found nothing.

Word War
The heated exchange between Tacloban City Mayor Afred Romualdez and rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson continues. On Monday, Romualdez renewed his call for Lacson to resign saying, “He keeps complaining.” Oh, hello there pot. I am kettle. Why so black?

1pllComet Landing
For the first time in history, scientists at the European Space Agency successfully landed a washing machine-sized spacecraft on a moving comet. Great. We can land a space probe on a moving comet yet we can’t even make Binay face a probe or a debate.

Scientists successfully landed a spacecraft on a moving comet. Nice! We can make a space craft visit a comet but we can’t even make our own President visit Tacloban.

Last week, humans successfully landed a spacecraft on a comet. Initially, the spacecraft was refused entry because the guards insisted they had to seek permission first from Antonio Tiu.

Scientists at the European Space Agency successfully landed a spacecraft on a moving comet. We would like to send our condolences to Santa Claus who lost one of his reindeer.

Chocolates
Chocolate makers say there’s a looming shortage of chocolates in the world. And the Binay family was like, “O, baka naman pati d’yan, gamitin kaming punchline!”

1womanAlive!
A 91-year-old Polish woman who was pronounced dead by a doctor woke up in a morgue 11 hours later. That was one creepy rehearsal!

Janina Kolkiewicz, a 91-year-old woman who was declared dead by a doctor woke up in a morgue several hours later.  He was discovered by a funeral home employee who asked her, “How are you feeling?” And Janina replied, “I don’t feel any pressure right now. My family is the most important persons in my life.”
———————————————————————–
“Sickness is the vengeance of nature for the violation of her laws.”
~Charles Simmons

Sound Bites
“Hindi nakakahawa ang Ebola ‘pag wala pang sintomas ang pasyente pero kailangan ang maigting na pagbabantay.”
~Acting Health Sec. Janette Garin

“Siguro meron silang mahusay na intention sa pagpunta doon, kaya lang siguro ay nag-ingat sana sila nang kaunti by wearing protective gear para magpakita sila ng ehemplo sa iba?”
~Former health chief Esperanza Cabral reacting to the visit of DOH and AFP officials to Caballo Island

Poll Results
1pll
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: AlJazeera – Putin; AFP – Garin; BeforeItsNews.Com – Comet; WPXI.com – Polish Woman]





PICK-UP LINES AND POLITICS

15 11 2014

Modern Pick-up Lines for Filipinos
Untitled

Sana si Antonio Tiu ka na lang?
Bakit?
I want you to own me.

Elevator ka ba sa Makati City Hall?
Bakit?
Bidder kasi ako. Gusto kong ma-trap inside you.

Untitled
Makati City Hall Parking Building ka ba?
Bakit?
Sobra-sobra ka kasing magmahal!

Si Nancy Binay ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… lumalabas ang buwan at mga bituin kapag kasama kita.

Miss, alam mo bang para akong si Senator Trillanes?
Bakit?
Kasi… lagi akong ‘galit.’

Untitled
Si Lito Lapid ka ba?
Bakit?
Kasi… you say it best when you say nothing at all.

Sana si BIR Commissioner Kim Henares ka na lang.
Bakit?
Para lagi kang nakabantay… ‘tapos hahabulin mo ako.

Sana sa MRT na lang tayo nakatira.
Bakit?
Para lagi tayong super close at halos ‘di na mapaghiwalay.

TT(Rated SPG)
Sana si Manny Pacquiao ka na lang.
Bakit?
Para patutumbahin mo ako, tapos magdi-dribble ka at magshu-shoot!

Sana EDSA ka na lang.
Bakit?
Para lagi kang masikip.
Boom!

And finally…
Usufruct

Sana si Vice President Binay ka na lang.
Bakit?
Ay, ‘wag na lang pala. Ayoko na.

Untitled
DESPITE RECENT tensions between China and the Philippines over disputed territories, President Aquino attended the APEC Summit in Beijing. The President says there’s no reason for him to skip the summit in the Chinese capital… unless it changes its name to ‘Tacloban.’

In Beijing, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly flirted with Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan who was seated beside her husband. Putin just gave China a dose of its own medicine: disrespecting boundaries and occupying territories.

1APEC
Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly flirted with Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan by grabbing a coat and wrapping it around the First Lady’s shoulders. Before Putin did that, he whispered to President Aquino, “Watch and learn.”

“Open Sources”
Former Iloilo provincial administrator Manuel Mejorada who claimed that the P700-million Iloilo Convention Center was overpriced attended the Senate hearing last Thursday. When grilled by senators, Mejorada admitted that he had no evidence to back his allegation, and revealed that he got the information from “open sources” like Wikipedia, a free-access, free content, and free-to-edit online encyclopedia. Mejorada vowed to return to the Senate with proof. But first, he’ll do some research on BuzzFeed and 9gag.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago who described Manuel Mejorada as “a big dud” said he could be held in contempt “for wasting the time of the Senate.” And Lito Lapid was like, “Harsh!”

Valuable
When asked to name the most valuable book to humanity, 37 percent of respondents in a recent survey answered, “The Bible.” The remaining 63 percent answered, “What’s a book?”
———————————————-
“People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.”
~Blaise Pascal, De l’art de persuader

Sound Bites
“In the 2016 presidential elections, when I am rid of my lung cancer, I intend to claim the presidency I won in 1992.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News: Tiu; Joseph Vidal/Senate: Mejorada; SpinPh: Pacquiao; YahooPH: Lito Lapid; PDI: Binay]





BINAY VS. TRILLANES: THE FLIPTOP BATTLE (EXCLUSIVE!)

11 11 2014

“Ako ho ang naghamon, wala hong atrasan ito kung ako ho ang tatanungin ninyo. Basta’t magkakaharapan po tayo.”
~Vice President Binay, October 29, 2014

BREAKING: Binay’s promise

On Tuesday at the Marines headquarters, Vice President Binay announced that he has decided to back out of his debate with Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV. After his speech, the birthday celebrator had lunch with Marine officials. There was one tense moment when Binay was served… chicken!

Untitled
Last October 29, Vice President Binay said, “Walang atrasan!” However, on Tuesday at the Philippine Marines headquarters, Binay announced that he was backing out. After his keynote speech, he was served lunch. But Binay didn’t touch his food. He’s already full. He has just eaten his words.

On his 72nd birthday, Vice President Binay announced that he has decided to withdraw from a scheduled debate. And Nancy Binay was like, “I taught him well.”

Usufruct
According to the World Happiness Report, the Philippines is the 8th happiest country in the world. And then Vice President Binay backed out of the debate, and people couldn’t stop laughing. We’re now ranked third.

Unconfirmed reports say the KBP has no plans of cancelling the event… mainly because Antonio Tiu has volunteered to debate on behalf of Vice President Binay.

The Debate: Fliptop Version
What if the debate between Binay and Trillanes pushed through in the form of a fliptop rap battle? Let’s try.

Yo! Oras na para simulan ang asaran.
Binay vs. Trillanes… wala nang atrasan.
When I say, hee-… you say pon.
Ooops, mali! I thought I was Ramon.

Wala sanang mapipikon sa aking mga hirit
Hindi ko naman gustong kayo ay magalit
‘Meron tayong free will,’ sabi nga ni Ms. Zenaida Seva.
Kung ‘di mo trip ang post na ‘to, makaaalis ka na!
Break it down.

Let’s start!

Trillanes:
Madlang pipoooooool… kumusta na kayo?
Sonny Trillanes po… isang hamak na sundalo
Galit sa magnanakaw, kalaban ng maligno
Ang masaktan, guilty; ang pikon ay talo!
Yo!

Binay:
Yo mong mukha mo!

Entrada mo pa lang, nami-mersonal ka na
Pati mga maligno, idinamay mo pa
Ok lang sana kung orig ang ‘yong tira
Pero ‘yang punchline mo, nakaw lang kay Korina!
Boom!

Trillanes:
Basta’t usapang ‘nakaw’ pamilyar kang tunay
Obvious na obvious ka naman, sanay na sanay
Kasi nga, 28 years na ‘yang pamilya mo sa puwesto
Hindi pa tuli ‘yang si Junjun, kumikita na kayo!
Basag!

Binay:
May panyo ka ba d’yan? Papunas naman sa ‘yo
Sayang ang chance kong ‘to, kaharap ko’y santo

Heto ang salamin, tingnan mo ang ‘yong repleksyon
(Pauses, Trillanes looks at himself in the mirror)

Natatandaan mo pa ba ang milyones mong gastos noon?
Ang sabi’y travel expenses habang ika’y nakakulong
Maling-mali si Ate Guy, may himala pa pala ngayon
Paano ka nakapag-travel? Nag-astral projection?
Wasak!

Trillanes:
Teka lang, teka lang, ba’t lumalayo ka
Tuesday pa lang ngayon, tumu-throwback Thursday ka na
Na-explain ko nang lahat ‘yan, ‘wag mo nang ipilit
Pag-usapan na lang kaya natin ang iyong naging kabit?

Binay:
Gago ka ah!
Masyado nang personal ang ‘yong banat at atake
Palibhasa wala kang alam kundi coup d’état at mutiny
Ano bang nangyari no’ng makipag-debate ka kay Enrile
‘Di ba’t nag-walk out ka at umiyak na parang baby?
Uha! Uha!

Trillanes:
Ulol!
‘Wag mo nang ilayo ang usapan sa tunay na isyu
Ikaw ang owner ng hacienda; ‘di kung sinu-sinong chu-Tiu!
That Instagram post of your daughter kinda helped seal your fate
Kung hindi talaga kayo guilty, ba’t kailangang i-deactivate!?
Yari!

Binay:
Shut up!
Taumbayan na ang huhusga at hindi kayong mga taga-Senado
Dakdak kayo nang dakdak, ba’t di kayo magsampa ng kaso?
Ay, oo nga pala, bagsak ang ratings n’yo ni Cayetano
Mas mataas pa nga nang ‘di hamak ang rating ng aming aso
Awooo!

Trillanes:
OA naman no’ng aso! Ano ‘yan, imported Labrador
World-class ba ang dog house ‘tapos may elevator?
Oooops, sorry… did I just hit a nerve?
Wala akong pakialam. That tirade was so deserved!

Binay:
Pakyu!

Trillanes:
Ha-ha-ha
Turo ba ‘yan ni Tiangco?

Binay:
Tama na! That’s enough. Good luck na lang sa 2016
‘Pag ako ang nanalo, saan ka kaya pupulutin?

Trillanes:
Matagal pa ‘yon tanda, marami pang pwedeng maganap
Dito nga lang sa debate, urong agad ang ‘yong bayag!

Binay:
Sitenta’y dos na ako, natural lang na umurong ‘yon. Tanga!
At least ‘di ako tulad ng iba d’yan na asa na lang sa Viagra!

Trillanes:
O sha, sha… tama na. Manahimik ka na!
Magbabasa muna ako ng comments sa social media.

Binay:
Walang sinabi ‘yang social media mo sa mga aktwal na botante sa probinsya
Konting paawa, konting drama… sa akin ang simpatya.

Trillanes:
Asa ka pa!

Binay:
Lalo ka na!

Trillanes:
Nognog!

Binay:
Alam ko.
Gago!

Trillanes:
Magnanakaw!

Binay:
Tarantado.
Asan ang pruweba mo?

Trillanes:
Maghintay ka lamang d’yan.
Marami pang malalaman ang taumbayan.

Binay:
Push mo ‘yan!

Trillanes:
Whatever.
Vice Ganda ikaw ba ‘yan?

Binay:
[Inantok. Napagod. Birthday pa naman. Hindi na sumagot.]

-End-

UsufructHeadlines
Vice President Binay has decided to back out of his scheduled debate with Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV. Here’s that piece of news according to newspaper headlines and Twitter accounts:
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Binay chickens out of debate

Philippine Star: Binay on debate: Ayoko na!

Manila Standard Today: Trillanes bullies Binay after veep backs out of debate

The Daily Tribune: Binay won’t stoop down to Trillanes’s level

The Manila Times: Binay made the right decision – political analyst

The Manila Bulletin: Binay’s birthday wish: good health and better life for Filipinos

@Rapplerdotcom: Binay withdraws from debate, gets flak from netizens

@GMANews: Binay umurong sa debate, ayaw pag-usapan ang “use of rock”

@ABS-CBNNews: Here’s why “#KathNielonGGV” and “#BinayFriedChicken” trended on Twitter

UntitledThe Debate
Hours before Vice President Binay backed out of the highly anticipated face-off, the KBP announced the four topics for the canceled Nov. 27 debate. In case you missed it:

No. 1: If crime does not pay, why are politicians very rich?

No. 2: Bakit walang senador, kongresista, governor o mayor ang umaangal o nagrereklamo kapag tinatawag silang buwaya?

No. 3: Have you stolen even a single centavo from Filipino taxpayers? If not, who are you kidding? Show proof.

No. 4: Kung ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan, ipaliwanag ang mga sumusunod na trending topics sa Twitter:
1Trends
————————————————————————————————
“He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human

Sound Bites
“Ang dahilan ko, mga kababayan, ay dahil marami na akong naririnig. Na siya ay ganito, ako ay mahusay, ako ay debater, ako ay abogado, eh sobra na ang mga salitang ganyan, na kumpirmadong sinabi niya. Eh ayoko naman pong ‘yong pagkakakila n’yo sa akin, mga kababayan, ay mapang-api, mapagsamantala. Na itong isang tao ito ay alam mo namang kawawa, tanga o whatever, pinagsamantalahan ko. So tama na yun. Ayoko na.”
~Vice President Binay

“”For the sake of the country, sana umatras na siya at itigil na ang panloloko sa taumbayan, at kung magtuloy-tuloy siya dahil alam niyang may kikitain siya sa pagka-presidente, sana makita ng mga kababayan natin ang tunay na pagkatao niya.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV

Poll Results
1BinaySurvey

Break it down. Yo!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dennis Datu – Binay/Cake; Philippine Daily Inquirer]





OF DEBATES AND ANNIVERSARIES

7 11 2014

Untitled
NOVEMBER 7 marks the first anniversary of Super Typhoon Yolanda. President Aquino and his men visited the areas most severely damaged by the super typhoon. First stop, Malacañang.

It’s been a year since Super Typhoon Yolanda wreaked havoc on Eastern Visayas. Which means, it’s also been a year since Anderson Cooper wreaked havoc on Korina Sanchez’s ego.

UntitledBirthday
Vice President Binay is celebrating his 72nd birthday on November 11. His close friends have a problem: What do you give a man who has practically everything in his hacienda?

Vice President Binay and his wife, former Makati City Mayor Elenita Binay are both celebrating their birthdays this month: Dr. Elenita on November 9 and the veep on Nov. 11. It’s a very busy week for Nancy and her oven.

Binay vs. Trillanes
The highly-anticipated debate between Vice President Binay and Sen. Antonio Trillanes will finally happen on November 27. Everyone seems to be excited. In fact, the face-off is being promoted by the KBP, its member stations, and Bob Arum.

The KBP has yet to disclose the venue of the event. Vice President Binay says he won’t back out of the debate. Senator Trillanes promises to come on time… unless he gets trapped in an elevator.

Untitled
According to the KBP, the debate will focus on four topics. The topics have yet to be made public. There’s a possibility that the ownership of the so-called Hacienda Binay will be tackled. Senator Trillanes can’t wait to stand behind a podium. Vice President Binay will probably stand behind Antonio Tiu.

Senator Antonio Trillanes has been advised to keep his cool during the debate. But the KBP is ready in case Trillanes stage a walk out. I’m not sure about the Manila Peninsula though. They better be.

The KBP says the public is not allowed to ask questions during the televised debate. But they can participate by yelling invectives at the TV screen.

Crucifixion
In a speech before BSP delegates at the Boys Town complex in Marikina City last Wednesday, Vice President Binay said he was being crucified by his detractors. He didn’t say though if he was on the left side or on the right side of the middle cross.

Untitled
Instagram
The release of his youngest daughter’s Instagram photos has angered Vice President Binay. For him, what Alan Peter Cayetano did was too much. Joanna Marie Binay who captioned one of her photos, “Our place in Batangas.” has since deactivated her Instagram account. Antonio Tiu couldn’t help but pity the young Binay. He was so affected he came close to admitting that he owned the Instagram account.

Birds!
A recent study says some 400 million birds have vanished from Europe since 1980. And Abigail Binay was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Ouch!
In Palawan, a farmer was bitten by a 7-foot crocodile. Although he survived the attack, he is still keen on filing a complaint against the crocodile with the House ethics committee.

In Pangasinan, a fisherman cut the penis of his live-in partner’s lover after he caught them having sex in his house. The suspect insisted his act was justifiable. There was hard evidence.

UntitlediPhone & Iran
Apple is reportedly in talks with Iran to bring the iPhone to the country. As soon as they heard the good news, Iranians informed their friends and relatives by texting them using their Nokia 3210s.

Dating
Reports say Tom Cruise and Lindsay Lohan are currently dating. That’s the scariest thing to happen in America since Ebola.

Highest-Paid
According to Forbes, Beyonce is now the highest-paid woman in music — while Jonvic Remulla is the highest-paid spokesperson in politics.

Catchiest
After conducting a study, researchers have identified the “catchiest song ever.” It’s the 1996 Spice Girls hit “Wannabe.” For 2015, researchers predict that the catchiest song will be, “Kay Binay Gaganda ang Buhay.”
————————————————————————————————–
In all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory, or an unjust interest.”
~William Penn

Sound Bites
“Ako ho ang naghamon, wala hong atrasan ‘to kung ako ho ang tatanungin ninyo. Basta’t magkakaharapan po tayo.”
~Vice President Binay

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: World Time.com – Yolanda; SkedSearch.Com – Binay Birthday, PDI- Binay vs. Trillanes; MacObserver.Com]





HOROSCOPE & POLITICS (MGA HULA AT BABALA)

4 11 2014

WHAT FUTURE awaits our leaders? Narito ang ilang hula at babala batay sa galaw ng mga planeta.

UntitledPresident Noynoy Aquino
Birth: Feb. 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Status: Coping
Ang iyong love life ay katulad ng pamumuhay ng maraming Pilipino: walang pagbabago. Single ka pa rin ngayong Pasko. What’s new? ‘Di bale, susuwertehin ka naman sa taong 2010. Ay, tapos na pala. Sorry. Mauulit ang suwerteng ‘yan after 76 years.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Status: Panicky.
Huwag pansinin ang batikos ng mga kalaban sa pulitika. Inggit lang ang mga ‘yan dahil mas malawak ang lupain mo kaysa sa kanila. Huwag ikahiya ang mga ari-arian.

Antonio Tiu
Birth: Unavailable
Sign: Unavailable
Status: In Big Trouble
Patuloy ang dating sa ‘yo ng magandang kapalaran. Matutuklasan mong ikaw rin pala ang may-ari ng Spratly Islands. Magpa-notaryo.

UntitledDILG Sec. Mar Roxas
Birth: May 13, 1957
Sign: Taurus
Status: Hoping.
Good news! Ayon sa mga planeta, for the second time ay magiging ama ka. Bad News: Hindi si Korina ang ina! Kabahan.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
Birth: February 14, 1924
Sign: Aquarius
Status: Nagsusumixteen
Huwag pansinin ang mga puna at kritisismo sa mga choices mo sa iyong buhay. Buhay mo ‘yan! Sundin ang itinitibok ng puso. Sa edad mong ‘yan, what’s to fear? Stay in love.

UntitledMayor Junjun Binay
Birth: July 12, 1977
Sign: Cancer
Status: Dating
Magiging isyu sa mga susunod na araw ang iyong kalusugan. Kailangan mong mag-ehersisyo. Sa halip na mag-elevator sa loob ng bahay, maghagdan na lang.

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Status: Plenty no more
Wala kang maaasahang house arrest sa ilalim ng administrasyong ito. Or in this lifetime. ‘Wag umasa.

Cong. Manny Pacquiao
Birth: December 17, 1978
Sign: Sagittarius
Status: Eveywhere
Tanggapin ang katotohanang hindi para sa ‘yo ang professional basketball at TV hosting. Nagsisinungaling ang mga taong nagsasabing mag-i-excel ka sa dalawang fields na ‘yan. Binobola ka lang nila. Gumising!

UntitledSen. Nancy Binay
Birth: May 12, 1973
Sign: Taurus
Status: Baking
Makipagbati sa mga taong nakasagutan o nakasamaan ng loob lately. Cake lang ang katapat n’yan!

Jim Paredes
Birth: August 31, 1951
Sign: Virgo
Status: Luffa
Deadmahin ang mga death threats sa Twitter. Mas malaki ang posibilidad na mamatay ka sa inis sa kababasa sa mga hirit ni Nancy Binay.

Cong. Edgar Erice
Birth: June 15, 1960
Sign: Gemini
Status: Politicking
Kulang pa ang iyong ingay at pogi points para isama ng LP sa senatorial slate nito sa 2016. Konting effort pa.

Untitled
Binay spokesman and Cavite Governor Jonvic Remulla
Birth: October 24, 1967
Sign: Scorpio
Status: Semi-governor
Sa 2016, muli kang tatakbo sa pagka-gobernador ng Cavite. Ikaw ang makakakuha ng pinakamalaking bilang ng boto… sa Makati. Sorry, invalid ang votes. Not counted.

Camarines Norte Gov. Edgar Tallado
Birth: Unavailable
Sign: Unavailable
Status: Do Not Disturb
Matatalo ka sa susunod na eleksyon. Ngunit ‘wag mag-alala. Maraming trabahong naghihintay sa ‘yo sa labas ng pulitika. Halimbawa: Acting. Magiging bold actor ka.

Jinggoy Estrada
Birth: February 17, 1963
Sign: Aquarius
Status: ChickBoy
-AND-
Bong Revilla
Birth: September 25, 1966
Sign: Libra
Status: It’s Really Complicated
Wala kayong horoscope. Wala ang mga planeta. Umalis! Tulog!

UntitledKris Aquino
Birth: February 14, 1970
Sign: Aquarius
Status: Looking.
Mapagbiro talaga ang tadhana. ‘Yong inaakalang mong pag-ibig na ‘di makita-kita, nasa tabi mo lang pala. Bago matapos ang taon ay aamin siya sa tunay niyang nadarama. Ang kanyang pangalan ay… Darla.
—————————————————————————————————–
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves; we are underlings.”
~William Shakespeare

Sound Bites
“Kung [sa] palagay niya [ay] may kulang, miyembro siya ng Gabinete, abisuhan niya kami. Kung [sa] palagay niya [ay] mali ang direksyon namin, malaya siyang ‘di sumama sa ating kilusan.”
~President Aquino reacting to Vice President Binay’s recent criticism of his administration

Untitled
“For people to argue against this choice for sick people really seems evil to me. They try to mix it up with suicide and that’s really unfair, because there’s not a single part of me that wants to die. But I am dying.”
~Brittany Maynard, 29 of Portland, Oregon, a terminally-ill woman who decided to end her life, under Oregon’s Death with Dignity Act – by taking a fatal dose of barbiturates, prescribed to her by a doctor

Poll Results
Ha;llo
Have a sweet November!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net, Mar Roxas Blogspot.Com, GMA News.Com, News Flash.Org. Kris Aquino/Instagram]





AWOOOOO!

31 10 2014

What’s cooking?
1ON

What’s terrifying?
1BINAY

Trick or Treat
1ToR

The Zombie Apocalypse
1zombie

Halloween Costume Party Ideas
If you wanna impress or scare the hell out of your friends, dress up as any of the following:

1CMThe costume that never gets old. Walang pagbabago.

1CongressThe more the greedier.

1SenFunny.

1JBTwo-in-one offer. For only P2.7B.

1MRTWear at your own risk.

1MeralcoAlways a shocker.

1PigdThe spoiled one.

1BEDWhen you wear this costume, be prepared to make a public apology after.

1JNThere Will Be Blood.

1RINGuns not included; costume and motorcycle only.

1EbolaImported costume from West Africa.

1ACBuy the party organizers. Buy the guests. Buy the costumes!

1PigdOwn it!

“If you don’t know learn how to be scared, you’ll never really learn how to be brave.”
~ Simon Holt, The Devouring

Sound Bites
“If you participate sa mundo na ‘yon, I think dapat hindi ka sensitive, matibay ang loob mo.”
~Nancy Binay reacting to Jim Paredes’s complaint vs. a netizen who sent him ‘death tweets’

“Shouldn’t she condemn death threats? Idiotic answer. Noong hinarang kayo sa gate, ‘di ba po napaka-sensitive n’yo that you took offense at the guards for doing their jobs?”
~Jim Paredes to Nancy Binay

Happy Halloween! Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, StockPhotos.Com, Stuff Point, Digital Art Gallery.Com, Funny Pictures.Net, Naked Security Sophos.Com, Pocket PCCentral.Net]





SCANDAL

27 10 2014

EMBATTLED Camarines Norte governor Edgardo Tallado, whose scandalous photos with his alleged mistress circulated online, says he still wants to fix his marriage with his wife, Josefina. The governor is confident he can do it. He is inspired by the success stories of Erap, Binay, and Bong Revilla.

1Tallado
Scandalous photos – allegedly – of Camarines Norte governor Edgardo Tallado and his mistress, are circulating online. Tallado cannot deny that. It’s his photos. Unless Antonio Tiu comes forward and claims ownership.

Governor Edgardo Tallado has apologized to his family, and his constituents just days after scandalous photos of him with his alleged mistress circulated online. Tallado’s wife is still wondering though, “Why did he cheat on me?” While close friends of the girl were asking, “Pinatulan n’ya ‘yon?!?”

Mrs. Josefina Tallado said the naked woman kissing Gov. Edgardo Tallado in the photos was his 24-year-old mistress. An irate governor Tallado replied, “That’s a total lie! She’s 25!

2Tallado
Before a throng of supporters, a remorseful Governor Tallado said, “Ako po ay humaharap sa inyo ng eye-to-eye.” And then it got a bit awkward when somebody from the crowd shouted, “Lips to lips naman!”

Reports say Camarines Norte Governor Tallado has a sex video circulating online. Which begs the question, “Who in his right mind would want to watch Governor Tallado in a sex video?”

To his detractors and political foes, Governor Tallado appealed, “Tigilan na po ninyo ang pagkakakalat ng mga pino-post n’yo po sa Facebook dahil napakalaswa po n’yan.” See? Even Governor Tallado hates it.

3Tallado
Bad news for Camarines Norte Governor Tallado. His wife revealed that he’s got a sex video online. Another bad news, it did not even trend on Twitter.

Governor Tallado has also apologized to the woman captured in the picture kissing him. The woman has been described as young and pretty who believes in the saying, “Hindi mahalaga ang panlabas na anyo ng isang tao.”

IN OTHER NEWS…
1DD“Demonic”
Eleazardo Kasilag, president of the Federation of the Associations of Private Schools and Administrators (FAPSA) says students must be taught that celebrating Halloween is “partying with demons.” And even demons were like, “Ang tanda-tanda mo na, naniniwala ka pa sa demons.”

FAPSA president Eleazardo Kasilag reminded students that celebrating Halloween is “partying with demons.” The students replied, ‘Don’t worry, we’re not inviting politicians.”

FAPSA president Eleazardo Kasilag says, “If there should be costume party in schools at this time, the toddlers can be inspired by the beauty of the fairies.” To which, the toddlers reacted, “Confeeeeeermed!”

1DD
Nognog vs. Maligno
The Binay camp says there’s a so-called Oplan Nognog to derail the Vice President’s 2016 presidential bid. The Roxas camp believes there’s an Oplan Maligno aimed at discrediting the DILG secretary. FAPSA president Eleazardo Kasilag appealed to both camps to stop promoting Halloween.

Nognog vs. Maligno II
According to Vice President Binay, his critics are “rich,” “elitist,” and “anti-poor.” To which Joseph Estrada said, “Wow, bago. Pinag-isipan.”

Most Trusted
According to the latest Philippine Trust Index, the Church (75%) is the most trusted institution for Filipinos. It was followed by the Academe (53%); Media (33%); Business (13%), and NGOs (12%). In last place with 11 percent was the Government. Oh my goodness. That’s really shocking; totally unexpected! Nobody saw that coming.
————————————————————————————————————–
“Once you have money and fame, the next thing you should expect is scandal and shame.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“Malinaw ang misyon ng grupong ito: guluhin ang imbestigasyon ng Senate Blue Ribbon Sub-Committee at ilayo ang pansin ng media sa mga isyu ng korupsyon laban sa pamilya Binay. They picked the name Oplan Maligno since they expect the disinformation campaign to gain traction before the Halloween.”
~LP stalwart and Caloocan City Rep. Edgar Erice

“Mr. Erice, stop looking at the mirror. I’m sure naisip n’ya ‘yon no’ng pagtingin n’ya sa salamin at nakita n’ya ang sarili n’ya.”
~UNA’s Toby Tiangco

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABS-CBNNews – Tallado Kissing Photos, ManilaStandardToday – Binay and Mistress, Jonathan Magisttrado – Tallado Speech, MacXDVD.com]





NOBODY, NOBODY BUT TIU AND OTHER LIGHTBULB JOKES

24 10 2014

IT’S BEEN A YEAR since we last posted some light bulb jokes and a lot of things have happened since. It’s time to screw in some more light bulbs.

Corruptuo
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to change it again even if it’s still working.

Q: How many Vice President Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to deny ownership of the light bulb.

Q: How many Antonio Tius does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but we know he’s only doing it for someone else.

TT
Q: How many Sen. Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to investigate reports that the old, burnt light bulb was overpriced.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to give cake to the old, retired light bulb.

Q: How many Makati City contractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but he’ll do it in five phases.

Q: How many US Marine Private First Class Joseph Scott Pembertons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to crush the used light bulb.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He doesn’t enter rooms with dead light bulbs. He finds it uncomfortable.

Q: How many PNP chief Allan Purisimas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He can do it alone. It’s just an ordinary light bulb anyway.

Q: How many Lito Lapids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to read and explain the instruction manual.

Q: How many Mayor Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to shoot the burnt bulb.

Q: How many CBCP-member bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. They wanna be stuck in the Dark Ages.

TT
Q: How many Camarines Norte Governor Egay Tallado does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to take a video.

Q: How many Health Asst. Secretary Eric Tayags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three. One to change it, and two to hold the ladder.

Q: How many Gilas Pilipinas players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 12. One to change it, one to assist, and 10 to cheer: “#Puso!”

Q: How many members of the NU Bulldogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team. It’s always a team effort.

Q: How many Tamaraws does it take to change a light bulb?
A: just a feu.

Q: How many UP coaches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m not sure. UP coaches don’t last as long as light bulbs.

TT
Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to praise God for the gift of light.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to announce the accomplishment to the whole world, and one to cry on TV in case the new light bulb fails to work.

Q: How many Herbert Bautistas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three and a half. The ceiling is a bit high.

1FD
Q: How many Frank Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ‘Wag masyadong umasa. Malamang tanggihan ka lang.

Q: How many taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to overcharge you for the bulb.

Q: How many Customs officials and personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Magkano muna?
————————————————————————————————————
“There is no compromise when it comes to corruption. You have to fight it.”
~A. K. Antony

TTSound Bites
From whatever angle one views it, Makati City is a bundle of contradictions. It is home to the ultrarich as well as to the extremely poor. Gleaming skyscrapers tower above the dilapidated hovels of slum dwellers. Modern firms operate within a territory controlled by a political family that has wielded power continuously for 28 years.
~Prof. Randy David, ‘Makati’s Contradictions’

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: RailElectrica.com; Philippine Daily Inquirer, SkyscraperCity.Com]





LIES

21 10 2014

PRESIDENT AQUINO confirmed reports that he met with Vice President Binay last week. The President said they talked about the allegations of corruption against the veep. He added they “reminisced about the olden times.” ‘Olden’ meaning those years when only one of them was an haciendero.

Untitled
According to President Aquino, his private meeting last week with Vice President Binay ended shortly after midnight. He reportedly told the Vice President, “the truth will come out.” He wasn’t sure though if that’s what the Vice President wanted.

Hoax?
Remember the 11-year-old pandesal vendor in Caloocan City who was reportedly robbed of his earnings by unidentified men? Police are now saying no robbery probably took place, and the boy could have made the story up. He has been suspected of lying. Related: In grade school, the boy was voted, “most likely to become vice president.”

When asked to face a probe, the 11-year-old pandesal vendor who’s been suspected of lying refused… saying Cayetano and Trillanes have already prejudged him.

Probe
According to an SWS survey, 79 percent of Filipinos wanted Vice President Binay to face the Senate investigation on the alleged overpriced Makati City Hall Building II. The other 21 percent were Makati City Hall employees.

Evidence
Jinggoy Estrada has moved to block Benhur Luy from presenting Janet Napoles’s ‘pork barrel files’ to the court because he took them without permission from Napoles. In response, Luy asked Jinggoy if he, himself asked permission when he took those pork barrel funds from taxpayers.

1Pac
Top Absentee
House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte has had enough of Manny Pacquiao’s absences in Congress. On Monday, Belmonte appealed to the Kia Sorento playing coach to be more active as congressman. Wait! He’s a congressman?!?

Pacquiao was told by the House Speaker to be more active as congressman. As soon as he heard this, Pacquiao charged his driver’s wife’s lunch, and his aide’s uncle’s gas to his Batasan office’s petty cash.

Philippine Cup
Manny Pacquiao’s team won against Blackwater in the PBA opener last Sunday. Pacquiao didn’t score a point, had two turnovers and a foul, and was benched in the second half. His team was trailing at halftime but clawed its way back in the middle of the third quarter because Pacquiao threatened, “Kapag ‘di kayo humabol, papasok ako.”

Anti-Epal
A measure similar to the Anti-Epal bill of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has been filed at the Lower House. Party-list Rep. Terry Ridon wants to ban “insidious political advertising.” You know, the kind where epaliticians’ names and faces are plastered on government projects. In the proposed bill, violators face a one year prison sentence – which means, local government posts in Quezon City are at risk of being declared vacant – all of them.

Accountability
After the deadly collapse of a ventilation grate at a K-Pop concert in South Korea that killed 16 people, a South Korean official committed suicide. That’s accountability. Or as Filipino officials would say, “What’s that?”

After 16 people died at a KPop concert, a South Korean official killed himself. And Filipinos were like, “Inggit much!”

Honest Carpenter
In Negros, an honest carpenter returned a wallet containing P40,000 in cash he found at a jeepney. The town mayor praised Leonardo Pango, 58 for being honest. In response, the carpenter said, “Sana kayo rin.”

1Untitled
De La Renta, 82
Legendary designer Oscar De La Renta has died at the age of 82. Rest in peace to a fashion genius whose fantastic creations Filipinos could never afford.
——————————————————————————
“People only lie because they are afraid of the truth.”
~ Madison Reil

Sound Bites
“Nag-meeting kami sa Bahay Pangarap. Siguro lampas dalawang oras; umabot ng lampas midnight e. Tapos marami kaming pinag-usapan, ‘yong kasalukuyang mga isyung hinaharap niya hanggang doon sa ‘yong mga reminiscing about the olden times.”
~President Aquino on his recent private meeting with Vice President Binay

“Sa akin mas maganda siguro sagutin na niya ng head on kung may chance siguro para na lang din ma-satisfy din, matapos na.”
~Sen. JV Ejercito on Vice President Binay’s open invitation from the Senate

“I apologize to the victims. I’m sorry to my family.”
~South Korean official who committed suicide after a deadly KPop concert accident

Poll Results
1Surveytitled

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer/Jinggoy, @ESPN_Numbers/Pacquiao, CNN/Korea, StyleBistro.Com/ODLR]





THE SECRET MEETING AND THE SURVEY

18 10 2014

REPORTS SAY President Aquino and Vice President Binay had a private meeting in Malacañang last Tuesday evening. It was a three-hour meeting between the country’s most powerful haciendero, and President Aquino.

1
The President’s meeting with Vice President Binay lasted more than three hours: from 9PM to 12:30AM. Binay spent the first hour persuading Aquino to stop the DOJ and Senate investigations. The President spent the next two hours saying, “No.”

Probe
The National Bureau of Investigation has reportedly started its probe into the alleged misdeeds of Vice President Binay. And there are many. To ensure an orderly probe, the NBI will begin in the first floor.

Winnable
In an exclusive story, Rappler.com reported that Vice President Binay would demolish President Aquino in a two-way battle for president in 2016. That’s according to a survey by Laylo Research Strategies commissioned by supporters of the Vice President. The survey is based on a sample of 1,200… Makati residents.

The Vice President will demolish President Aquino in a two-way battle for president in 2016. That’s according to a survey by Laylo Research Strategies commissioned by loyal Binay supporters. Laylo’s clients include media outfits, private companies, businessmen, and insecure politicians pretending to be ‘loyal supporters.’

1EXCLUSIVE: Here’s a copy of the survey form
—xxx—-
RESPONDENT NO. __________
DATE: ______________

Magandang araw po! Ito ay isang pag-aaral hinggil sa halalan sa ating bansa.

May limang tanong sa survey na ito na kumakatawan sa limang isyu sa ating lipunan. Ang bawat tanong ay may dalawang pagpipilian: Vice President Binay at President Aquino. Lagyan ng check ang napili mong sagot.

Mangyari lamang pong pag-aralang mabuti ang mga tanong bago sumagot. Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto upang ito ay tapusin. Simulan mo na ngayon!

Traffic
1: Grabe talaga ang traffic. Wala bang ginagawa ang gobyernong Aquino? Si Abaya ng DOTC, ano bang nagawa n’ya na? Wala naman yata eh! Kaibigan pa naman siya ng presidente. By the way, sinong iboboto mong pangulo sakaling ganapin ngayon ang eleksyon?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Law and Order
2: Narinig mo ba ang balita tungkol sa batang pandesal vendor na hinoldap sa Caloocan? Kumulo talaga ang dugo ko nang mapanood ko ‘yon. Pati bata ‘di nakaligtas sa mga kriminal. Wala talagang silbi ang pulisya! Hay naku! Kasalanan ‘yan ni Mar Roxas! ‘Di ba under ng DILG ang PNP? Anong nangyari? Mga inutil! Sanga pala, if ever na ganapin ang eleksyon ngayon, sinong iboboto mo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Disaster Preparedness
3: ‘Buti na lang, hindi direktang tumama sa Pilipinas ang super-typhoon Ompong. Kung nagkataon, lubog na naman sa baha ang maraming bayan at siyudad sa bansa. Marami na namang mawawalan ng tirahan. Thank God laging nauuna sa pamamahagi ng relief goods si Vice President Binay. ‘Yan ang totoong action man. Hypothetical lang, sakaling dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-presidente ngayong 2016, sinong iboboto mo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Employment
4: Uy, malapit na naman ang Pasko. Ang sabi sa balita, magmamahal na naman ang mga pagkaing pang-Noche Buena. ‘Yan eh kung may pera kang pambili. Bakit, may trabaho ka ba? Mabuti pa ang mga taga-Makati. Every year, may loot bags na puno ng grocery items. Hayyy, inggit much. Maiba ako, kung gaganapin kaya ngayon ang eleksyon, sinong iboboto mo sa pagka-pangulo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

And finally… Graft and Corruption
5: Aba! Nasa puwesto pa pala si PNP Chief Allan “Ordinary” Purisima. Ang tindi! Palibhasa, close siya kay Presidente Aquino kaya kapit-tuko sa puwesto. Nakakadismaya. ‘Yan ba ang tuwid na daan? Tse!! Anyway, kung ngayon isasagawa ang halalan, sinong kandidato ang iyong susuportahan?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

MARAMING SALAMAT po sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makaaasa kayong magiging confidential ang inyong mga sagot. Dahil hangad namin ang patas, tapat at malinis na resulta, dadaan po ito sa masusing pag-aanalisa bago isapubliko.

Mabuhay po kayo!
—–xxx——-
-END-

1In Other News…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un went missing recently. People didn’t know where he had been. Nobody had heard from him for a very long time. Political analysts have a term for that: Lito Lapid.

To be fair to Kim Jong Un, he resurfaced after 40 days. While Lito Lapid is still missing.

Worst Airport
Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto International Airport has dislodged our very own Ninoy Aquino International Airport as the world’s worst airport. Geez! What’s happening to our country? We’re no longer No. 1 at anything.

1Wanted: Volunteers
The Philippine Red Cross is looking for volunteers for Ebola duty in West Africa. Voluntary? Why not mandatory? Let’s send some senators and congressmen!

Attacked
In China, a mistress was violently attacked by the wife of the man she was allegedly sleeping with. The mistress was stripped naked, punched and kicked by the scorned wife. And Mrs. Cristina Enrile was like, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”
—————————————————————————————————–
“I wonder why people work so hard to become politicians just in order to do something wrong.”
~Masuji Ibuse

Sound Bites
“This will come to pass soon, and you will see me in the bigger political arena, fighting Goliaths in an effort to become a part of a better future.”
~Vice President Binay

1
“My soul is male, but I’m not going to go through that stage where I’m going to change everything.”
~Charice as interviewed by Oprah

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net, NBC News, CNN.Com]








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