SHOTS FIRED

19 05 2015

1PBR
IN AN APPARENT DIG at senator Grace Poe, Vice President Binay says the country needs leaders with “experience and competence.” Which begs the question, “Why did you let Nancy run?”

“Honest”
Reacting to Vice President Binay’s statement, neophyte senator Grace Poe says it is also important to have “honest leaders.” The Vice President and his UNA spokespersons have yet to respond. Rumors say they’re busy looking up the meaning of the word “honest” in the dictionary – which, some people believe is not in their vocabulary.

Poe-Roxas
Some members of the ruling Liberal Party are reportedly open to the possibility of Mar Roxas sliding down to run for vice president again. There’s no word yet from Korina Sanchez if she’s open to the possibility of becoming an ex-future first lady again.

1ERPoe-Escudero
While LP stalwarts are pushing for a Poe-Roxas tandem, other LP members wanted a Poe-Escudero ticket. Everybody wants to run with Poe. And the party is obviously divided. In contrast, there’s nothing but harmony within the Binay camp. There’s no first choice or second choice for a running mate. Nobody wants to run with the Vice President.

Rematch?
If Mar Roxas decides to run for president, it will be a rematch of sorts between him and Jojo Binay in 2016. If you would recall, Roxas lost to Binay in 2010. Even Compubox scores showed Binay winning. Roxas would later admit in a press con that he was in pain and was actually hurting when he fought Binay. During the campaign, he sustained an injury called ‘NoyBititis.’

The Good Wife
Reports say former Makati City mayor Elenita Binay wants his husband, Vice President Binay to drop his bid for president. In other news, Mrs. Binay will appear as guest on “Celebrity Bluff.”

1ERHeat Index
The weather bureau cautions Metro Manila residents as they face another scorching week. It’s so hot these days, Makati City Hall employees had to gather beside filing cabinets where building contracts and other controversial deals were kept – just to be near something shady.

Heat Index II
The heat index is a measure of human comfort or discomfort due to the combined effects of heat and allegations of graft and corruption.

SALN
The net worth of each senator has been made public. It was based on the 2013 Statement of Assets and Liabilities. Otherwise known as Fiction Writing 101.

Richest
Sen. Cynthia Villar is the richest and only billionaire member of the Senate. She owns subdivisions, buildings, businesses, villages, and Manny Villar.

Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla who are both facing plunder charges are the fourth and fifth richest members of the Senate. According to their SALN, the two senators’ total net worth was 375 million pesos. To which, taxpayers said, “You’re welcome.”

1ERFeminist?
[Have you seen Mad Max: Fury Road? You should!] A popular “men’s rights activist” blog is calling for a boycott of Mad Max: Fury Road saying the high-octane, post-apocalyptic action flick promotes feminist agenda. Which explains the movie’s working title: America’s Next Top Model – Cycle 22.

Going Local
Citing criticisms hurled at MJ Lastimosa’s Colombian-made gown in the 2014 Miss Universe pageant, Parañaque City Representative Eric Olivarez filed a bill seeking to require Filipino beauty queens to wear gowns created by local designers when competing in international pageants. In his bill, the congressman also mentioned that MJ’s national costume could have cost her the Miss Universe crown. Olivarez’s proposed measure is called “The Can’t Move On Act of 2015.”

1ER
When asked to comment on the “relevant” bill filed by Congressman Oivarez, his constituents replied, “Sino ‘yon?”

Fake Priest
The CBCP is warning Catholics about the activities of a fake priest who scammed parishioners in Luzon and Metro Manila. The fake priest officiates masses and solicits money. As opposed to real priests who officiate masses and solicit money.
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“To win the people, always cook them some savoury that pleases them.”
~Aristophanes, The Knights

Sound Bites
“I sincerely believe that the issue in this coming election—for the presidency particularly—is experience and competence.”
~Vice President Binay

“Tama naman s’ya. Kailangang may karanasan at kakayanan pero higit sa lahat, katapatan. Sa tingin ko naman hindi ang haba ng serbisyo ang kailangang batayan kung hindi kalidad ng serbisyo at katapatan.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

It’s Your Fault!
Is your residence near the earthquake fault? Here’s a list from Phivolcs /via GMA News. Be prepared!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Binay/Roxas: Inquirer.Net; Chiz/Roxas: Inquirer.Net; Cartoon: PixShark.com; MJ Lastimosa: Interaksyon]





FROZEN

15 05 2015

KRIS AQUINO announced Friday on Instagram that she’s doing a movie with former almost boyfriend, Herbert Bautista. It will be helmed by Antoinette Jadaone who wrote ‘English Only Please’ – and directed ‘That Thing Called Tadhana.’ The Bistek-Krissy movie has two working titles: ‘That Thing Called Kampanya’ and “Senate Only Please.”

1kris
Ano ang iniisip ng tatlong tao sa picture?
HB: May choice ba ako? Political career ko na ang nakataya rito. Sayang din ang publicity at boto. Bahala na.

AJ: Smile na lang ako. Basta. Ayaw kong mag-elaborate. NO. Hindi n’yo ako mapipilit magsalita. AYAW KO.

KA: Ang bait mo talaga Lord. Lahat nang hilingin ko, ibinibigay mo. Care bears na lang sa mga naiinggit d’yan. #excited #kilig #KathNielvibe #JaDineAngPeg #nagsusumixteen

AMLC vs. Binays
According to the Anti-Money Laundering Council, the Binays’ own firm was also the supplier of the birthday cakes given to senior citizens of Makati City. The AMLC probe only proves that the Binays can have their cake and supply it too.

1kris
The AMLC has noted that the Binays’ trusted aide and alleged dummy, Gerry Limlingan earns only 30,000 pesos a month and yet he maintains bank deposits of almost 2 billion pesos. I wonder what his job is aside from filling out deposit and withdrawal slips.

The Court of Appeals has ordered a freeze on some 200 bank accounts and other assets of Vice President Binay, his kin, alleged dummies, and even former allies turned critics. Vice President Binay says the AMLC report is part of a conspiracy to destroy him. To which, the AMLC said, “What’s there to destroy?”

Punishment
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un reportedly executed his defense chief in public for falling asleep in meetings. The punishment was described by his loyal followers as “fair,” and by Lito Lapid as “harsh.”

1krisTragic
At least 72 factory workers were killed in a fire that hit a footwear factory in Valenzuela City last Wednesday. Curious observers want to know: What caused the fire? Why the huge number of fatalities? Why them, and not those elected officials who stole our money?

Questions
In 2004, FPJ’s citizenship was questioned when he ran for president. Today, the same issue is being used against Sen. Grace Poe who’s performing well in surveys. Poe is upset to hear reports that some groups are planning to question her citizenship. Meanwhile, Vice President Binay is also upset to hear that some groups are planning to question his race.

Mayor Lapid?
In 2016, Sen. Lito Lapid will seek the mayoralty of Angeles City in Pampanga. Voters were shocked. Lito Lapid is still a senator?!?

Calling his previous wins ‘tsamba,’ two-term senator Lito Lapid admits he is not suited for his job as a lawmaker. He has learned his lesson. Hopefully, the voters too.

1krisLifetime Ban
A lifetime ban has been imposed on PBA D-League coach Alvin Pua for punching a referee during a recent game. Pua, who was suspended six games in the past for mauling referees in two separate matches, was also fined half a million pesos. The PBA will ask the Samahang Basketball ng Pilipinas to ban Pua as well. Now jobless as a coach, Pua can now concentrate on his other passion: boxing.

Royal Monkey?
The management of a zoo in Japan has apologized for naming a baby monkey, ‘Charlotte‘ in honor of the new royal baby. Angry Britons suggested another name for the monkey: Camilla.
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“Three groups spend other people’s money: children, thieves, politicians. All three need supervision.”
~Dick Armey

Sound Bites
“Hindi naman ako bagay dito. Tsamba-tsamba lang sa Panginoon at sa tulong ng aking mga kababayan.”
~Lito Lapid admitting that lawmaking wasn’t suited for him

“Siguro ang isang partido ay nanginginig na kasi ang pambato nila ay mababa pagdating sa survey. So desperate, ‘di ba?”
~Nancy Binay on AMLC’s report

Have a fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino on Instagram; Binay: GMA News; Fire: Straits Times; Alvin Pua: GMA Network]





SLAM BOOK SERIES: BINAY FTW!

12 05 2015

SOMETHING I started in 2012 at the height of the Corona impeachment trial is making a return this week: this blog’s ‘Slam Book Series.’

And since the 2016 election is just a year away, we will feature the potential candidates for president and vice president. First up: the slam book entry of perceived frontrunner, Vice President Jejomar Binay. This is just for fun. Enjoy!

1

2Faves

3WorstFaves

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“Ambition is a lust that is never quenched, but grows more inflamed and madder by enjoyment.”
~Thomas Otway

Sound Bites
“It is apparent that there is an unscrupulous group that is trying to condition the minds of the public that the Vice President is guilty of a wrongdoing by mere perception without the benefit of a fair and impartial appreciation of the parties’ respective positions.”
~Atty. Rico Quicho on the misreported indictment of VP Binay

Good luck!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Jojo Binay by Sarah Black]





OF REMATCH AND ROYALTY

8 05 2015

1PacmY
FOR FAILING to disclose his injury before Sunday’s fight against Floyd Mayweather Jr., Filipino champion Manny Pacquiao has been slapped with class-action lawsuits which could tarnish his image and legacy. Or as Mayweather would call it, “my proudest accomplishment.”

It turned out that Manny Pacquiao was pretending to be 100 percent healthy when he fought Floyd Mayweather Jr. for 12 rounds. Which wasn’t entirely surprising since Pacquiao has been pretending to be a lawmaker for five years now.

Manny Pacquiao underwent arthroscopic surgery on his injured right shoulder. Dr. Neal ElAttrache, the famed orthopedic surgeon who performed the 90-minute procedure said Pacquiao wouldn’t be able to fight for at least nine months. He’ll be absent from the sport for a long period of time – although being absent from Congress is so much longer.

1PacmY
After the overhyped ‘Fight of the Century,’ Floyd Mayweather Jr. says he no longer wants a rematch. In his defense, who does?

According to Floyd Mayweather Jr., he doesn’t want to give Manny Pacquiao a rematch “because he’s a coward.” A really strong statement from someone who dodged fighting Manny Pacquiao for five years.

Boxing fans are still talking about the Pacquiao-Mayweather bout. They described the ‘Fight of the Century’ as boring. In fact, rapper Jay-Z got so bored watching, by the end of Round 5 he was cheering for Solange Knowles instead.

Food Poisoning
A leftover pancit downed six people in San Carlos City, Pangasinan last Sunday – not dog meat as initially suspected. Even Compubox stats showed it’s the pancit not the dog meat.

1basitBasit Usman
Mindanao-based terrorist Basit Usman is dead. The bomb-making expert had a bounty of 1 million dollars from the United States and 6.3 million pesos from the Philippine government. Initially, the AFP said Usman was killed by one of his bodyguards who wanted the reward money. Later, the AFP clarified that Usman was in fact killed by the MILF – who wanted the reward money even more.

Hereditary
A new study has revealed that sleepwalking runs in the family. While a local study revealed that tax-pocketing runs in political families.

Villar Take 2?
On rumors that former senator Manny Villar is taking a second crack at the presidency in 2016, his partymates are tightlipped. When asked about the same rumor, Sen. Cynthia Villar was tight-faced.

1ThaiRacist
A Thai national is facing deportation for his racist and insulting statements against Filipinos online. In a series of Facebook posts, Prasertsri Kosin a.k.a. Koko Narak described Filipinos as “stupid creatures,” “pignoys,” and “scums of the Earth.” Which begs the question, who allowed him inside Congress in the first place?

Thai national Prasertsri Kosin, who is currently detained at the Bureau of Immigration, is remorseful and apologetic. Filipino immigration personnel have been nice to him. Everyday, they give Kosin a large and free serving of milk tea.

1babyRoyal Baby
Prince William and Princess Kate’s new baby has been named Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Her birth certificate circulated online the other day. Under “Occcupation,” William and Kate wrote: Prince and Princess of United Kingdom. In short, ‘jobless.’

Bigyan ng Jacket!
TV host Willie Revillame is back on TV. His new show which promises to give away millions in cash and other prizes to less-fortunate Filipinos will be launched on May 10. Otherwise known as ‘Mendicancy Promotion Day.’
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“Don’t think money does everything or you are going to end up doing everything for money.”
~Voltaire

Sound Bites
“Nineteen years in the fight game and I’ve had one excuse: ‘Don’t have an excuse.’ Winners win and losers have excuses.”
~Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: TopRank; Pac/May: SkyNews; Basit Usman: AFP; Prasertsri Kosin: GMA News; Royal Baby: BBC]





UNANIMOUS

4 05 2015

1PAC
THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY finally happened Sunday in Las Vegas, Nevada. Boxing aficionados say the fight didn’t live up to the hype. It lasted 12 full rounds but there were no knockdowns. Floyd Mayweather Jr. was the clear winner. The viewers were the clear loser.

Underwhelming
Critics say Manny Pacquiao’s performance against Floyd Mayweather Jr. was disappointing. Although to be fair, his performance in Congress is much worse.

1PacMay Reuters
Statistics
According to Compubox, Floyd Mayweather Jr. outpunched and outlanded Manny Pacquiao in their 12-round fight. The undefeated American clearly outclassed the Filipino champion. Analysts say Mayweather schooled Pacquiao on defense, timely counter-punching, waltz, foxtrot, and samba.

Floyd’s Style
Floyd Mayweather Jr. disappointed a lot of boxing fans with his style. The multimillionaire was avoiding the attacks and was too defensive. Mayweather is the Binay of the boxing world.

Slammed
Boxing fans slammed Floyd Mayweather Jr’s strategy. He won anyway. After the fight, Mayweather immediately received 100 million dollars, and 100 million loud boos.

1CrowdPDIBoring
Viewers called the “Fight of the Century” boring. Both fighters were barely hurt although Mayweather sustained bruises in his reputation.

Unfair
Heartbroken Filipinos refused to accept the result of the fight calling the judges’ unanimous decision “luto” (fixed) and Mayweather, “madaya.” The reaction was a ‘dryrun’ for next year’s election.

1PACMAY
Richest
The fight between Pacquiao and Mayweather for the unified welterweight title is believed to be the richest in history. In close second, the fight for Makati City Hall.

Focus
The Fight of the Century is over. If Manny Pacquiao retires from boxing, he’ll shift his focus to another pastime – lawmaking.

Running
Manny Pacquiao will definitely run in 2016. He should get some tips from Floyd Mayweather Jr.

1PacMay Reuters

Public Viewing
Several local government officials sponsored a public viewing of the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight last Sunday. It was live and it was free. So thank you Governor, thank you Mayor, thank you Kagawad, and most of all, thank you 2016!

Proud Still
The Armed Forces of the Philippines is still proud of reserve Army Lt. Col. Manny Pacquiao. The AFP saw the fight and Chief of Staff Gen. Gregorio Pio Catapang called it “unfair.” Catapang said the military wanted to help Pacquiao but the fight was allegedly kept secret from the AFP.

1PacMay ReutersMommy D
Minutes before Sunday’s main event, Mommy Dionisia was flashed on the screen only once – and wasn’t available for interview immediately after the fight. Rumors say Mommy D will break her silence in a press conference being organized by Migrante.

1PacMay Reuters
Chill
When a relaxed Manny Pacquiao entered the arena smiling, the crowd erupted in cheers. The energetic Pacquiao had the fans on their feet. Seated Mayweather supporters wanted to complain but backed off when they saw Doris Bigornia.

Vagina
Socialite Raymond Gutierrez drew flak from netizens for posting what was perceived to be a ‘sexist’ tweet. While watching the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, Gutierrez tweeted, “Mayweather clearly has a vagina.” Netizens were shocked. They didn’t expect Raymond to be familiar with the vagina.
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“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Sound Bites
“I don’t want a Mayweather rematch anymore. I don’t like him so much.”
~Princess Pacquiao, Manny’s eldest daughter

“He’s a hell of a fighter. Now I see why he is one of the guys at the pinnacle of the sport of boxing.”
~Floyd Mayweather Jr. on Manny Pacquiao

Lessons
The Telegraph – Mayweather versus Pacquiao: Five things we learned

Move on na tayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao/Mayweather: Reuters; Pacquiao Mayweather 3: Chicago Tribune; Pinoy Crowd: Inquirer.net; Mayweather/Belts: Agence France Presse; Pacquiao/Kimmel: Al Bello, Getty Images ]





HEADLINE-GRABBING HEADLINES

29 04 2015

1PDI
FOR “KILLING” Filipina drug convict Mary Jane Veloso in their erroneous print edition headlines Wednesday morning, some local newspapers became the subject of online ridicule.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer has issued an apology and vowed to “revamp newsroom processes to better inform and serve” their readers. We have yet to hear from the other newspapers.

In this day and age, putting out erroneous front-page headlines is the last thing you’d expect from the modern print media. Or maybe not. So what could be next? Here are the…

Top 8 Newspaper Headlines
That Might Surprise Us On or Before Sunday Morning, May 3, 2015

Mayweather undefeated no more:
Pacquiao stops American in 10th

1Abante

MRT, inaasahang titirik sa Lunes, 8:35 ng umaga
Libu-libong pasaherong hindi naniwala sa balita, maiinis

Congratulations Rain or Shine!

Vice President Binay, umamin sa mga kasalanan
Mga kinamkam noong alkalde pa lamang ng Makati, ibabalik

1Standard

Kurapsyon sa Bureau of Customs, tuluyan nang nalutas

Paalam Janet Lim-Napoles

Malakas na lindol sa Metro Manila, tuloy na tuloy na;
Mga militante, sisisihin si Pangulong Aquino

1Standard
Doris Bigornia may aawayin na naman sa concert ni Sam Smith sa May 7
lalaking makakasagutan, nag-draft na ng ipo-post sa Facebook
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“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I kept quiet & just prayed. Left & right paulit ulit na walang ginawa, walang effort, walang malasakit, patalsikin, walang nagawa si Noynoy. And I kept quiet w/ the endless attacks against PNoy because that was his reminder to me, but today it is my right & my privilege to say, I AM PROUD of my brother. I AM PROUD OF MY PRESIDENT.”
~Kris Aquino via Instagram

Some Comic Relief

1PDI

Thank you President Widodo!

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Mark Angeles, Gerald Magno, Jim Paredes]





PRESSURED

28 04 2015

1sevilla
CITING POLITICAL PRESSURE, Bureau of Customs Chief John Phillip Sevilla quit his post. The incorruptible Sevilla bared that he was being pressured to appoint a member of an influential sect to a key post in the bureau. He objected. So when Malacañang insisted, Sevilla decided to resign. He didn’t finish his term. To add insult to injury, he was given a grade of INC.

For the second time, businessman Alberto Lina was appointed customs commissioner. His appointment to the juicy post was welcomed by his family, his friends, and his 18 companies that continue to do business with the BOC.

John Philip Sevilla has resigned as Customs chief. He was replaced by businessman Alberto Lina. Last Friday, Lina took his oath of office. He swore to perform his duties to God, to our country, and to some extent, to INC.

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Nepal Earthquake
More than 4,000 people were killed when a magnitude 7.8 earthquake struck Nepal. A week before the disaster, experts gathered in Kathmandu to plan for “a nightmare waiting to happen.” Apparently, their motto was “Better safe than sorry.” Here in the Philippines, “no concrete measures to address the hazards of a massive quake” have been taken despite experts’ warning that at least 35,000 people would die if a magnitude 7.2 earthquake hits Metro Manila. Which is not surprising since the government’s motto is, “To see is to believe.”

Experts say Metro Manila is NOT so ready for a massive earthquake. Local government officials have other priorities. Maybe we can change that. Beginning today, let’s stop using the term “earthquake” and start calling it “election.”

A Google executive at the base camp of Mount Everest died in an avalanche triggered by the magnitude 7.8 earthquake that struck Nepal. The Google executive was found after a search.

UntitledVictim
Because she’s “vulnerable,” authorities said, Filipina Mary Jane Veloso became a victim of “deception.” Again, “vulnerable victim of deception.” Politicians have a collective term for that: voters.

Filipina Mary Jane Veloso is still alive. Her execution originally scheduled Tuesday midnight was suspended. That’s the good news. The bad news is ER Ejercito might just do a film about her.

No ISIS
AFP chief of staff Gen. Gregorio Pio Catapang says no ISIS militants operate from the Philippines. But based on intelligence data, there are Abu Sayyaf, BIFF, private armed groups, senators, congressman, governors, mayors, etc.

1sevillaPunishment
Liberal Party stalwart Edgar Erice said, “If God will bless us, he will give us Mar Roxas and Grace Poe. If God will punish us, he will give us UNA.” When sought for reaction, God said, “I’m busy. I have a scheduled meeting with Duterte.”

LP stalwart and Caloocan Rep. Edgar Erice says Dingdong Dantes and Isko Moreno are two potential bets for senator of the ruling coalition. In response, God was like, “Talk about punishment!”

Happiest
According to the latest World Happiness Report, Switzerland is the happiest country in the world. The Philippines was 90th in the happiness index – which was really disappointing considering the fact that we’ve got some of the biggest jokes in the three branches of our government.

1sevillaSnatched
While taking a walk in Madrid, Spain, Sen. Pia Cayetano’s phone was snatched by a bicycle-riding man. When the senator shouted for help, bystanders moved to catch the suspect. The police described the thief as young and remorseless who’s got a bright future in politics.
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“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“We consider Commissioner Sunny Sevilla an honest, competent, no-nonsense professional whose departure will be a great loss to the Bureau of Customs and this administration. It is a sad day when principled professionals deem it untenable to stay in office.”
~Makati Business Club

Must-Watch
Bracing for the big one: Is Metro Manila quake-ready?

Be prepared!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: John Philip Sevilla: Inquirer.net; Nepal Quake:On Islam.Net; Erice: Journal.Com; Sen. Pia Cayetano]





EXCLUSIVE! KRISSY AND SHAWEE (NAKAKALOKA!)

25 04 2015

Untitled
“HELLLLLOOOO! Nakakaloka! At inulit ko raw talaga ang word na nasa title. Aha-ha-ha! Kasi naman, naloka talaga ako sa mga ganap kahapon. Ganito ‘yon. Na-extend nang bonggang-bongga ang tulog ko. Then, paggising ko ng 1 pm, hilo-hilo pa ako, akala ko Sunday na kaya nagmadali akong pumunta sa ABS for ‘The Buzz.’ Pagdating ko doon, pak! Ako lang ang tao sa studio. MUKHA AKONG TANGA! Aha-ha-ha! At heto pa: late ko na ring na-realize na wala na nga pala kaming show! Aha-ha-ha. Nakakaloka!

Anyway, paglabas ko ng studio, hulaan n’yo kung sinong nakasalubong ko! My gosh! Of all people, siya pa! God, why me?! Aha-ha-ha! Sige na nga, sasabihin ko na kung sino s’ya! Si Mega! Nakakaloka. Napahinto talaga ako. Eh kasi nga ‘di ba?! May mga naging isyu kami before. So nang mabunggo niya ako… wait! In fairness to me huh, kahit naka-heels ako… ‘di ako tumilapon. Aha-ha-ha I’m so mean!!! But swear, it was an awkward moment. Hindi ko alam kung paplastikin ko siya o ako ba ang paplastikin niya. Either way, deserved lang namin both. Aha-ha-ha At dahil ayaw ko namang masabihang suplada… ako na ang unang bumati. Todo-sigaw pa ako huh! In fairness.

Darlaaaaaaaa!

— Heyyyyyyy, hello Krissy!!!

*Beso-beso*

My gosh. MEGA???? Sorry. I thought si Darla ka. My fault. Welcome baaaaaack! We’ve missed youuuuuu! Promiiiiiiiiiise.
— Bahahahahaha

Kumusta naman ang show mo? I mean, show ni Billy?
— Bahahahahaha

Hay naku Shawee, tawa ka lang nang tawa. Kaloka ka.
— Krissy, sorry huh! Pero, bahahahahaha. Hindi ko kasi inexpect na bahahahahaha

SHAWEE! Ano ba?! Tatawa ka na lang ba?
— Fine! ‘To naman! Happy lang ako kasi I am back. Bahahahahaha Glad to see you again Krissy. How’s ‘The Buzz?’

Wala na nga ‘di ba? Natakot yata kay Willie kaya nagpahinga muna.
— So pa’no na ‘yan? Sa’n ka na magda-drama? Bahahahahaha

Excuse me! I have two other shows pa. Ang dapat na tanong mo: ‘pag nawala ang show ni Billy, saan ka na tatawa? Aha-ha-ha!
— Funny ka talaga Krissy bahahahahaha

NO! I’m not kidding. Serious ako. May shows ka pa ba???
— I think I have to go.

Joooke! Aha-ha-ha Ano ka ba naman Mega? Joke lang ‘yon, hellllo!
— Bahahahahaha

Ganito na lang. Para ‘di sayang ang pagpunta ko rito, tara! Kwentuhan na lang tayo para may extra episode kami ni Boy for A&A!

1shawiee
Two weeks ago, naloka tayong lahat nang umamin si Sen. Ralph Recto that he had an affair with another woman. Bongga! Ikaw Shawee, what if one day umamin din si Senator Kiko?
— Bahahahahaha You know what Krissy, si Kiko kasi Bahahahahaha

Gosh! Stop laughing nga muna Shawee. OA na.
— Ok. Alam mo Krissy, may tiwala ako kay Kiko. He’ll never do that. I know my husband very well.

Ganyan din ang sinabi ko noon about James. Promise.
— Iba naman ang ex mo Krissy. At iba ako bilang asawa. Magkaibang-magkaiba tayo!

And what exactly do you mean by that?
— Wala naman. Bahahahahaha Basta ako, maasikaso ako kay Kiko. Lagi ako sa kusina.

Mukha nga.
— And what exactly do you mean by that?

Wala naman. Aha-ha-ha! Moving on, napag-uusapan na namin ito ni Boy. Are you running for public office next year? Sa Pasay ba?
— No, Krissy! I guess politics is not really for me. I’ll support na lang Kiko if ever na tumakbo siya for a Senate seat again.

But why?!? Sayang naman ang pagkakataon. ‘Di ba sabi nila, kapag medyo down ang career mo sa showbiz, try mo naman ang politics.

‘Di ba?!?

Hindi ka sumasagot!!! Sandali, did I offend you? My gosh Shawee, ang tagal na natin sa showbiz para magkapikunan pa tayo. Hayyy. Ni-raise ko lang naman ang possibility na mag-run ka next year. I didn’t mean to
— Mas importante sa akin ang suporta ko sa asawa ko. Again, asawa. Kung ‘di mo narinig, ASAWA. Kung ‘di ka maka-relate, I’m sorry.

NAKAKALOKA KA!!! Awayin ba ‘ko?
— You were never James Yap’s partner. You’re just his wife!

Aha-ha-ha! Hindi talaga kita kinakaya!!! Hellllllo! Chill. ‘Di natin kailangang mag-away ‘no! Basta ang importante you’re back as a Kapamilya. Teka, kanina ka pa ‘di tumatawa huh. Are you ok?
— Bahahahahaha I’m fine.

There! Aha-ha-ha Maglaro na nga lang tayo. Remember when we used to be close friends?
— When?

Basta! We used to play this game called This or That. Laruin nga ulit natin. Game?
— Game!

1shawiee
Lights on or Lights off?
— These days? Gusto ni Kiko, lights off. Bahahahaha

Feeling ko para ‘di niya makita ang iyong figure.

Sorry!!!!!! Nadulas lang. I’m just kidding. Ako, lights on. Kasi takot si Bimbz sa dark. Binay or Poe?
— Poe. My kinakapatid. You?

Binay! May hacienda!
— Akala ko ba takot si Bimbz sa dark?

Chowking or McDonald’s? Ako, Chowking! Ikaw, alam ko.
— Both? Bahahahahaha

I knew it! Basta food. Aha-ha-ha Mar or Binay?
— Nakaka-relate ako kay Mar. Lumaki sa sarap… mayaman. Ikaw?

Binay pa rin! Lumaki sa hirap… nagpayaman! I mean, yumaman. Sorry Tito Jojo. Aha-ha-ha Last na ‘to: Sharon Cuneta or Lea Salonga?
— Bahahahahaha! Ang OA naman ng tanong na ‘yan. Sobrang OA.

At least sa ‘yo na nanggaling! Aha-ha-ha Shawee, medyo matagal nang isyu ‘yong pagrereklamo raw ng ilang nanood ng concert ng One Direction dahil nagpayong ka sa MOA Grounds. Natakpan tuloy ang view ng mga nasa likod. Linawin mo nga ‘to.
— Lay off my umbrella! Lay off my umbrella! They purposely did that because I am Sharon Cuneta! What the heyyy! Next time, watch a Lea Salonga concert, watch a Lea Salonga concert!!!!!!! Or better yet, Blakdyak!

Gaya-gaya ka naman eh. Linya ‘yan ni Doris Bigornia ‘di ba? Ano ‘to dubsmash?
— Hindi. Your Reporter Sounds Familiar Bahahahahaha

Untitled
Mabuti pa… since you’re not that busy naman, mag-guest ka sa Krissy TV. You’ll love it there.
— I know. Bahahahaha ‘Pag pinapanood ko nga si Darla, inggit talaga ako.

O, Darla… narinig mo ‘yon? Matakot ka na girl. May iba na akong tagatikim ng food. Aha-ha-ha
— Seryoso ba ‘yan?

Why not? We’re friends naman, ‘di ba?
— Thank you Krissy. Tama talaga ang desisyon kong bumalik dito.

Joooke! I’m just kidding! We’re ok. But we’re not really friends-friends like “Boy and Kris” friends. ‘Tsaka ‘di pwedeng mawala si Darla sa show ‘no!
— I think I have to go na.

Wait, you have to promote Billy’s show muna! Go! Promote na.

Ayaw mo? Fine. Sige, laugh ka na lang.
— Tse! Bahahahahaha

–End of Conversation–
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“The image is one thing and the human being is another. It’s very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.”
~Elvis Presley

UntitledA Must-Read
The story of Mary Jane Veloso, in her own words

In a narrative, Mary Jane Veloso herself tells the story of how she was framed and duped into unknowingly acting as a drug mule

Sound Bites
“There’s a strong push for the promotion of their men to very powerful positions here at the Customs. When these things happen, I become suspicious of their motive. I promised that there would be no politics or/and patronage system in the appointments in the customs bureau. I took that commitment seriously.”
~Resigned Customs Commissioner John Sevilla

Have a fine weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino’s Instagram; Sharon: Interaksyon; Sharon and Kris: Pinoy Parazzi; Mary Jane Veloso: Daily Mail-UK; KrisTV]





IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERE

21 04 2015

1GW
ACCORDING TO THE National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the first three months of 2015 set new global heat records. It’s so hot these days… Chinese ships in Panatag Shoal thought they’re doing Filipino fishermen a favor by firing water cannons at their vessels.

Guilty!
Oriental Mindoro’s current governor Alfonso Umali and former governor Rodolfo Valencia have been both found guilty of graft and corruption and were sentenced to prison terms of up to 10 years as well as perpetual disqualification from public office. The court has yet to decide though on a motion seeking to punish Mindoreño voters for making stupid choices.

1GW
Alfonso Umali, the incumbent governor of Oriental Mindoro and concurrent treasurer of the ruling Liberal Party has been found guilty of graft and corruption – prompting President Aquino to order an audit of the party’s finances.

Accounts Closed
The Sandiganbayan confirmed that Bong Revilla and Lani Mercado closed five bank accounts when news of the pork barrel scam came out. But Raymond Fortun insists… that’s “accidental.”

Running
Senate President Franklin Drilon revealed that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas is interested in the presidency. The ‘presidency’ however has refused to say if the feeling is mutual.

According to Senator Drilon, the Liberal Party is exerting extra effort to help presumptive LP candidate Mar Roxas improve his poor survey ratings. Some party stalwarts are not sure though if Mar is okay with some of their suggestions like getting a tan and joining the Boy Scouts of the Philippines or the Alpha Phi Omega Fraternity.

1mWThe Promise
Some informal settlers from Makati City who were relocated to the Makati Homeville resettlement area in Calauan, Laguna are complaining. They say the site lacks decent housing units as well as electricity and water supply. But a Makati City executive clarified that the city government promised a relocation site only – not housing units. Or as Sen. Nancy Binay put it, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Erap’s Birthday
Last April 19, former president and Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada celebrated his 78th birthday. What a life. He was mayor of San Juan for 16 years, senator for 5 years, vice president for 6, and president for 2 ½ years. His biggest achievement however was making Manila voters believe that he’s actually from Manila.

Revised!
Rappler recently discovered that Sen. Bongbong Marcos “made false claims about his undergraduate and graduate degrees” on the resumé uploaded on his official Senate website. When his late father, Ferdinand Marcos heard this, he said, “Anak nga kita.”

1mW
Sen. Bongbong Marcos has apparently revised his online resumé in which he – as Rappler discovered, “made false claims about his undergraduate and graduate degrees.” Last month, visitors of the Senate website started to question the veracity of his resumé entries when they noticed that under the heading ‘Siblings’ – Marcos allegedly wrote, “Grace Poe.”

Supercentenarian
Here’s a shocking report: Researchers say humankind’s first 1000-year-old is likely alive already. Even more shocking, that person is already facing a plunder charge.

indexQuorum
At least a dozen Filipino lawmakers are watching Manny Pacquiao’s megabuck fight in Las Vegas, Nevada. The MGM Grand has in fact reserved a row for Pacquiao’s colleagues. It’s easy to spot the solons inside the arena because their seats have been marked with the words: “There goes your money Filipinos.”
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“With lies you may get ahead in the world — but you can never go back.”
~Russian proverb

Sound Bites
“Doon sa dayalogo bago po sila inilipat, klaro po na ang ikinomit ng Makati ay libreng lupa. It was supposed to be their responsibility to put up their houses.”
~Ryan Barcelo, OIC, DSWD-Makati City

“Si Mar po ang aming kandidato sa Partido Liberal, wala pong alternative.”
~Sen. Franklin Drilon

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Global Warming: Times of India; Valencia/Umali: Inquirer.Net; Makati Homeville: Rappler.com; Bongbong: Inquirer.Net; Pacquiao: WBA News





GUILTY!

17 04 2015

ALLEGED PORK BARREL scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles was sentenced to a life in prison after being found guilty of serious illegal detention. Rumors say some Court of Appeals justices can’t wait for her appeal.

Untitled
Janet Lim-Napoles has been transferred to the Correctional Institution for Women in Mandaluyong City to begin serving her prison term. The Correctional’s set of visitation rules is not that strict. She is allowed to see at least 10 lawmakers per day.

Suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles showed no reaction when the guilty verdict was read. She is unfazed by the life sentence, insisting that she has a “clear conscience.” Some former employees were baffled. She has a conscience?

UntitledStriking Distance
The latest SWS survey is out. Vice President Binay got 36 percent while Sen. Grace Poe got 31 percent. That’s a 10-percentage point improvement for the senator from the December 2014 survey. She has definitely inched closer to Binay. Observers believe Grace is doing a good job. But Trillanes is doing it better.

Victim?
Vice President Binay said there should be a law against “bullying public officials.” It will be called “An Act To Prevent Ordinary People From Bullying Those Who Most Certainly Deserve It.”

Childish?
President Aquino was interviewed this week by Agence France Presse in Malacañang. When asked to reflect on the Marcos dictatorship, he said, “It doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions (but) I cannot act like I am a hot-headed 16-year-old.” Definitely not. He’s not acting like a hot-headed 16-year-old. That’s unfair. He’s acting like a hot-headed 7-year-old.

UntitledIn Memoriam
The MILF’s breakaway group, the BIFF – which has been attacking military installations in Mindanao and killing government soldiers, is mourning the death of their leader identified as Ustadz Ameril Umbra Kato. If that’s even his freakin’ real name.

BIFF founding leader Ustadz Ameril Umbra Kato is dead. The military was able to confirm his death when his three wives updated their Facebook status to Single.

Guilty
In a TV interview, Batangas Governor Vilma Santos revealed that her husband, Sen. Ralph Recto cheated on her – once. Either that or she didn’t know how to count.

Untitled
Vilma Santos said it was an emotional moment when she confronted Ralph Recto about his other woman. Initially, Ralph was like, “Wala akong ginagawang masama.” To which, Ate Vi replied, “Akala mo lang wala – pero meron! Meron!”

Batangas Governor Vilma Santos told Mareng Winnie Monsod [on the TV show “Bawal Ang Pasaway”] that Sen. Ralph Recto had an affair with another woman. The actress-politician told Mareng Winnie that she has since forgiven the senator. In fact, during that emotional confession, she warned, “Next time, be careful.’” To his credit, Ralph has been successful so far.

To those who are too young to remember: Vilma Santos was already 31 years old when she started dating Ralph Recto who was only 21. Vilma was still using her other screen name then: Demi Moore.

Untitled
Advice
In a speech before the students and teachers of Tarlac National High School Friday, President Aquino said, “Tapusin muna ang mga takdang-aralin bago ang raid sa Clash of Clans.” He was referring to a popular computer game. The title of his speech was “Look Who’s Talking.”

Billy Joel
Sixty five-year-old singer Billy Joel is having a baby. There’s still hope, President Aquino. There’s still hope.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.”
~Maureen Johnson, Girl at Sea

Sound Bites
“Kung merong batas laban sa mga bully sa eskwelahan, dapat din ho sana magkaroon ng batas na ‘yung mga bullying public officials.”
~Vice President Binay

“I cannot forgive. ‘Wag na siyang mag-apologize, because at this point, it’s not going to help lessen the hate. Hindi kami vindictive, pero hindi rin kami madaling magpatawad.”
~Makati Rep. Abigail Binay on Sen. Antonio Trillanes’s exposés

Have a fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Napoles: GMA News; Binay/Poe: Inquirer.Net; Umbra Kato: IOL.Co.Za; Ralph/Vi: Balita.net]





2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

13 04 2015

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

1Clinton
Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

1ClintonSpecial Offer
Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
———————————————————————————————————————–
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]





ALIAS

9 04 2015

Untitled
THE NATION marked the 73rd Araw ng Kagitingan on April 9. In his keynote speech in Bataan, President Aquino said, “Nagbabalik-tanaw tayo sa aral ng nakaraan upang hindi na maulit ang mga dating kamalian.” The title of his speech was, “Note To Self.”

All-time Low
President Aquino’s satisfaction rating has dropped to an all-time low yet again! Which explains why his hairline is at an all-time high.

The President’s net satisfaction rating dropped to +11. Just to give you some perspective, Beau Belga’s at +15.

While President Aquino’s satisfaction rating has dropped to an all-time low, 50 percent of Filipinos do not want him to resign. Psychologists call that “Binayphobia.”

President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating is down to +11. Fewer Filipinos are happy with his performance. That’s what happens when someone is in love. His career takes a backseat.

UntitledExorcism Course
The Vatican is offering a course aimed at teaching priests and laypeople how to recognize and fight demonic possession. Classes last for a week and will be held at the city hall, capitol, or Congressional building nearest you.

Alias
MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal admitted that he’s using a nom de guerre or war name. But Iqbal insisted that using an alias was just “natural” if you’re a revolutionary. Or a client of Janet Lim-Napoles.

Untitled
In a Congressional hearing, MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal refused to divulge his real name – although rumors say his passport name is in fact ‘Adele Dazeem.’

Unaware
On the involvement of America in the Mamasapano operation, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. said President Aquino knew nothing about it. Among other things.

UntitledTRO for Sale?
Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said he had received “information” that the Binays paid for the TRO that stopped the preventive suspension of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. Critics suspect that the CA justice who issued the TRO is either pro-Binay or corrupt. To which the CA justice furiously replied, “How dare you?! I am not pro-Binay!”

The Wedding
Fast-food giant Burger King will sponsor the wedding of an Illinois couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King. The wedding vows will go something like: “For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in obesity and in health… ”

Burger King will sponsor the wedding of an Illinois couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King. In other news, Bianca King is hoping to date Stephen Chow real soon.

UntitledSex Addict
A former high school principal from Japan allegedly had sex with some 12,000 women including minors while in the Philippines. Again, that’s 12,000 women. Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Idol!”

A Japanese man who allegedly paid for sex with 12,000 women while in the Philippines was arrested in Tokyo. When some prostitutes were asked to describe their experience with the Japanese, they said, “Move on na lang tayo. Maliit na bagay.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“To win the people, always cook them some savoury that pleases them.”
~Aristophanes, The Knights

Sound Bites
“Because of security reasons, my name on the passport is known only to the government. I travel a lot—maybe hundred times. But I’m not hiding my name on my passport.”
~ MILF chief peace negotiator Mohagher Iqbal

Have a happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: President Aquino: Gov.Ph; Iqbal: GMA News; Law is Greek.Com; Japanese Man: CNN]





300

5 04 2015

THE LONG vacation has come to an end. Those who repented during the Holy Week break can go back now to being their usual, despicable selves. Welcome back!

1Easter
The season of Lent is over. According to the Bible, after the arrest, trial, crucifixion, and death of Jesus, he shockingly returned in the end. Fans of ‘The Walking Dead’ call it, “season finalé.”

Revamp
Sec. Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma is out as presidential spokesperson. He was reportedly replaced by TESDA director general Joel Villanueva who has impressed the President with his performance. Under Villanueva’s leadership, TESDA has created an unprecedented number of jobs. And TV commercials.

joel
Hardworking TESDA chief Joel Villanueva will soon be very visible as he’s just been appointed presidential spokesperson. Sources say the President has several reasons for appointing Villanueva to the post. And by several, we mean a lot – like hundreds perhaps, or a thousand or 2,016. We don’t know.

Sample Q & A With Presidential Spokesman Joel Villanueva

Q: Secretary, is it true that the President is sick and he’s keeping the truth from the public?
V: That’s not true. And even if he’s sick, he must not be afraid. As Jeremiah 30:17 said, “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.” Next question please…

Q: Sir, sabi ng Makabayan bloc, the President is a liar and has not told the entire truth about the Mamasapano incident. Your reaction…
V: The President respects the militants’ right to free speech but this I tell you, “On the day of judgment. people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew Chapter 12, Verses 36 and 37.

Q: Sir, are you running for senator in the next election?
V: To be honest, I have not made a decision. But if it’s God’s will, who am I to refuse?  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11. Last question please.

Q: Secretary, there have been rumors that the President is dating Pia Wurtzbach. Are they exclusively dating?
V: Ha-ha Kayo talaga. It’s a personal and very private matter between the President and Ms. Wurtzbach. As 1 Thessalonians 4:11 said, “Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs.” Thank you.

1Easter
Income Tax
The month of April has become synonymous with taxes. As residents of Makati City, we should remit our taxes promptly this year. Two mayors are now counting on us.

The BIR has a TV ad that shows where your taxes go: infrastructure, education, and social services. Politicians were offended by the apparent snub.

Corruption58180549_20141021145050
When my friends and I started working, we were told that our taxable income would be significantly reduced if we had “dependents.” So on the BIR form, we made a list of people who depended on us: senators, congressmen, governors, and mayors.

All public servants are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Networth or SALN on or before the April 30 deadline. Sources say this early, President Aquino has accomplished his SALN form. Under ‘Liability,’ he wrote, ‘Alan Purisima.’

1Makati
Hakot System?
A Makati City resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self-employed.”

Hundreds of Makati City residents are brought to the city hall every day just to sit there and kill time. And they each receive 300 pesos for that. Yes, these people get paid for absolutely doing nothing. Who do you think you are?! Congressmen?!?

Emergency Landing
An EasyJet A320 flight heading to Kosovo from Geneva was forced to make an emergency landing in Rome because a ‘hungry’ passenger became impatient and punched a stewardess. The airline has denied rumors that the passenger was a washed-up actress from the Philippines.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.”
~Calvin Coolidge

Sound Bites
“Long-winding, repetitious, irrelevant, unprepared homilies are signs of a sick spiritual life of the priest.”
~Archbishop Soc Villegas

Have a productive April!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jesus: Photo Image Search.Com; TESDA; BIR; Corruption: Urduwire.Com; Makati: Rappler]





CRUCIFIED

31 03 2015

CHRISTIANS are observing the annual Holy Week tradition. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as Metro Manila motorists would say, “everyday.”

1jeru

We all know what happened ‘that week.’ It all began at the time of the festival of Passover. Jesus arrived in Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a car because of the LTO’s “no registration, no travel policy.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for  hospital arrest.

1Arrest

Roman officers with swords and shields made the arrest after the Last Supper. Reliable sources revealed President Aquino was already in the area for the expected turnover.

One of his disciples, Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. But karma caught up with Judas. Just a few days after getting his reward, he was slapped with tax evasion charges by Kim Henares.

There were some tense moments when the Romans sent by the high priests arrived to make the arrest. Some disciples tried to intervene. This could have been avoided if there was proper coordination before they launched the operation.

1ear
The Gospel of John tells us that when Jesus is being arrested, one of his disciples takes a sword and cuts off the ear of a hight priest’s servant. The  ear would never be seen again as it was sent to the US for DNA testing.

Another disciple, Peter had his share of controversy. When Jesus was arrested, he followed the arresting officers. But a woman recognized him and said, “You’re friends with him!” Peter denied Jesus thrice until the woman showed a piece of evidence: a photo showing Jesus partying with his disciples including Peter, and news anchor Vicky Morales.

1Thieves
Jesus is then tried and condemned by the Sanhedrin. He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. On Golgotha, he was crucified between two actor-politicians.

There you have it. My crucifixion joke. I hope I nailed it.

Lenten Message
Malacañang released President Aquino’s recorded Lenten message the other day. According to Rappler, the gist of the President’s message was “others before self.” Incidentally, the title of the Lenten message was, “When things go bad, who should be blamed?”

1gfLee Kuan Yew
Vice President Binay said Lee Kuan Yew, the highly-respected founder of Singapore, was his “inspiration in rebuilding Makati.” When Lee Kuan Yew heard this, he slapped an angel.

Epalitician
The valedictorian of a public school in Malabon received a medal with an image of their congresswoman. The medal was 1 percent gold and 99 percent campaign paraphernalia.
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.”
~Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Sound Bites
“Lee Kuan Yew made Singapore immensely rich, while Makati made Mr. Binay immensely rich. That’s the difference.”
~Prof. Solita Collas-Monsod

Have a safe and fun holiday break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shadow of the Cross.Org; Catholica.com.au; Prophecy in the News.com; PixShark.com; Mothership.Sg]





THE EMOJI QUIZ: ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH?

27 03 2015

POLITICAL FIGURES and government officials (unless specified) shown as emojis! See if you can guess all of them!

Here’s an example to get you started.
TV
– A woman
– A TV set
– A boy
– Another boy (older)
– Loud speakers
Answer: Kris Aquino

Another example:
2Untitled
– A house
– Crocodiles
– Money
Answer: House of Representatives

Got it? Good luck! Keep track of your score. We’ll interpret the results later.

Emoji Quiz

ANSWERS:
Highlight each item to reveal the answer.

1: President Aquino
– A balding man
– Cigar

2: Junjun Binay
– A man
– Umbrella
– Building
– Money

3: Janet Lim-Napoles
– A woman
– Money
Bath tub
– Running away
– Police

4: Manny Pangilinan

5: Ninoy Aquin0

6: Manny Pacquiao

6: Sorry for the error in numbering
Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada

8: Juan Ponce Enrile

9: Imelda Marcos

10: Lito Lapid
– A man
– A horse
– A gun
– Someone asleep

11: Nancy Binay

12: Rey Pamaran (Nemesis of Melissa Mendez)

13: Mayor Joseph Estrada
– A man
– Alcohol
– Women
– Gambling

14: Vice President Binay
– A man
– Coconut tree
– A palace

15: Mar Roxas
– A bike (padyak)
– A man
– Blue (his official color)

16: Mister International 2015 PO2 Neil Perez

17: Sen. TG Guingona
– A huge ear
– Color blue
– A ribbon
(He’s the Blue Ribbon Committee chair)

18: Tito Sotto

19: ER Ejercito

20: Miss Universe-Philippines Pia Wurtzbach

What your score means:
18-20: Mahusay ang imahinasyon mo. Magagamit mo ‘yan sa larangan ng pag-ibig lalo na kung single ka. Imaginin mo na lang na may nagmamahal sa ‘yo. Kahit wala naman talaga.

15-17: Mas mataas pa sana ang makukuha mo kung hindi ka overweight. Mag-diet.

12-14: Sakto lang. Not good. Not bad. Parang ‘yong budget mo this Holy Week break. Magtipid!

9-11: ‘Wag nang magtaka kung bakit wala kang love life. Boring kang kausap. Magbasa pa.

8 and Below: Tanggapin ang kapalaran. Hanggang d’yan lang talaga ang alam mo eh, anong magagawa natin?
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I think what makes ‘Jeopardy!’ special is that, among all the quiz and game shows out there, ours tends to encourage learning.”
~Alex Trebek

Sound Bites
“Bilang Pangulo, napakaraming usapin ang kailangan kong tutukan nang sabay-sabay, na kailangan ng agarang tugon at pagdedesisyon. Responsibilidad ko ang 100 milyong Pilipino sa loob at labas ng ating bansa. Opo, ako ang Pangulo, pero tao rin ako. Hindi ko kayang basahin ang iniisip ng bawat kausap ko, at hindi ko kayang mabantayan ang lahat sa lahat ng panahon.”
~President Aquino, Philippine National Police Academy Graduation rites, 3.27.2015

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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