BASTED

27 11 2010

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a!”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
- Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
- Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
- Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

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FIGURES

10 11 2010


Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.


Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?


Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
—————————————
“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7′s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
- OO. Why not? 21.44%
- HINDI. 44.37%
- Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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NEWS/CASH

8 11 2010


STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
- Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
- Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
- Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

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