PUNCHING BAG

16 10 2012

FIRST, SOME GOOD NEWS. The government has signed a historic peace pact with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. The Arroyos could only wish they were the MILF.


The peace accord was the good news. And in better news, Ralph Recto has resigned irrevocably as chairman of the Senate ways and means committee.

In a privilege speech last week, Senator Ralph Recto described his version of the sin tax bill as “reasonable, realistic and responsible.” Or as tobacco companies would call it, “Awesome!”

After getting flak for his “watered down” version of the sin tax bill, Sen. Ralph Recto said he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Recto was supposed to describe himself as the “whipping boy” but he feared Tito Sotto would accuse him of plagiarism.

In another privilege speech Monday, Ralph Recto claimed he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Tito Sotto had also complained of being the favorite “whipping boy.” On behalf of millions of Filipinos who are mired in poverty and who have not eaten a decent meal in months, we would like to apologize to Senators Sotto and Recto. Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo. Aping-api na pala kayo. Patawad po.

Last week, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said that he’s so tired and stressed he might just resign as majority floor leader. And Nike was like, “Just do it!”

More Good News
The Commission on Elections has disqualified 22 more party-list organizations including two groups with incumbent representatives in the Lower House simply because they do NOT represent marginalized sectors. The disqualification was slammed by the groups’ leaders who vowed to rally their constituents – as soon as they find one.

Ex-Allies Fight
Did you hear the news? Akbayan and Anakbayan supporters had a scuffle earlier today. At one point, the shouting match turned violent… prompting the Malaysian Prime Minister to intervene.

Senatorial Bets
The Comelec has approved the candidacy of at least 27 out of 84 senatorial hopefuls. The rest may resume their jobs in the circus.

VP to Vatican
President Aquino picked Vice President Binay to represent him in Vatican City for the canonization of Blessed Pedro Calungsod. Binay accepted the assignment to the Holy See to, once and for all disprove rumors he’s a ‘maligno.’

Handwashing Day
The Global Handwashing Day was observed Monday, October 15… although senators who passed the Cybercrime Law have been doing that for the past three weeks.

Lucy Liu
On ‘The Late Night Show With David Letterman,’ Hollywood actress Lucy Liu said she preferred running indoors than outdoors because, “If I get really dark, I’ll start to look a little Filipino.” Apparently, Liu doesn’t want to look like Filipino… to which many Filipinos reacted, “Kami rin.”

Hot Planet
Astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. But that’s really nothing compared to Korea, which has thousands.
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“Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide.”
~Kurt Vonnegut

Quote of the Day
“But this framework agreement, no matter how we object to it, in my opinion is a blessing in disguise to us. This would lead to the demise of the MILF – 17,000 of their armed forces have shifted loyalty to us and many more are coming back to us. None of them will be left. It is like a sinking ship.”
~Moro National Liberation Front Chairman Nur Misuari on the MILF-GRP peace accord

Have a peaceful week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





COURTESY CALL

19 09 2011


SHAMCEY SUPSUP met with President Aquino and Vice President Jejomar Binay at the NAIA’s VIP lounge Sunday night. The President congratulated her for a strong finish in the Miss Universe pageant. In return, Shamcey congratulated the President for his high approval and trust ratings. She also congratulated the Vice President for Miss Angola’s win.

Miss Universe third runner-up Shamcey Supsup met with President Aquino Sunday night at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport’s VIP lounge before he left for the United States. The beauty queen’s courtesy call on the President took place at the NAIA because of his very tight schedule. The only person with a tighter sked is Shamcey.

Before the meeting was over, President Aquino told Shamcey Supsup he’s looking forward to seeing her again. Vice President Binay told her he’s looking forward to 2016.

Shamcey Supsup has a contract with the Aranetas’ Bb. Pilipinas Charities. Which explains why Vice President Binay hardly smiled during the courtesy call. She’s with the Balay group!

President Aquino and Shamcey Supsup met at the NAIA’s VIP lounge Sunday night. It was like a scene from ‘Beauty and the Geek.’ Then Vice President Jejomar Binay joined them, and it reminded me of ‘Outsourced.’

Aquino in America
Before he left for the United States, President Aquino vowed to showcase the Filipinos’ competitiveness. To prove his point, he’ll start by telling US President Barack Obama, “Let’s talk about our approval ratings. What do you got?”

Smoking Kills
Citing a recent study, anti-tobacco group Health Justice Philippines reported that 10 Filipinos die every hour from smoking-related illnesses. But Senator Tito Sotto says he’ll only believe the study if Health Justice could show him the death certificates of the 10 people who died an hour ago.

Context
Vice President Jejomar Binay insists his statement regarding a supposed plan to run for president in 2016 was taken out of context. He says he is just “aspiring to become president.” He’ll explain himself further in his next text blast. Wait lang.

FG Leaves
Former First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo has left for Munich, Germany for a medical check up again. Take that DOJ!

Jailed
Former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia will be serving a jail term of two years. Or as Hubert Webb et al. would say, “Ano ‘yon? Overnight?”

Floyd Jr. Wins
Floyd Mayweather Jr. scored a controversial knockout win against Victor Ortiz. The Mayweather-Ortiz fight preceded the evening’s main event: Mayweather vs. 80-year-old ring announcer Larry Merchant.

Boxing fans can hardly wait to see Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight Manny Pacquiao. To which Floyd Jr said, “Pacquiao is only 32 years old. Let me decide within the next 48 years.”

UAAP Semifinals
The Adamson Falcons wasted its twice-to-beat advantage and lost to the FEU Tamaraws in their do-or-die UAAP semifinals match Sunday. Sources say the Falcons were not able to sleep, and for 24 hours, they kept asking themselves, “What has happened to us?” That’s the same question the UP Fighting Maroons have been asking themselves for the last 25 years.
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“You can’t just beat a team, you have to leave a lasting impression in their minds so they never want to see you again.”
~Mia Hamm

Angry Bird
An influential and popular talent has threatened to resign from a large network because of a radio personality. Sources say the talent has been the subject of the radio personality’s recent blind items particularly the former’s alleged infidelity. The talent was quoted to have said, “Nasa iisang bubong kami ‘tapos ayaw n’ya akong tigilan. Eh kung maghiwalay kami ng asawa ko?!?”

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Have fun!





THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE WILLIE

14 04 2011


APRIL 15 is the deadline for the filing of income tax return (ITR). President Aquino has reportedly filed his own ITR earlier this week. Under liability, he wrote, “Communications Group.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay has also settled his obligations with the tax agency. His ITR revealed he made more money than President Aquino. Quizzed by the media on the matter, Binay said, “Bakit? Sino bang mas maraming nagawa?!”

Good News, Bad News
Good News: Umento sa sahod ipapatupad sa Mayo ayon sa gobyerno.
Bad News: Aanhin mo ang umento kung wala namang trabaho?

Good News: Pangulong Aquino magtatrabaho daw sa Holy Week.
Bad News: Humihingi siya ng overtime pay! #waley!

Good News: Sabi ng palasyo, “walang krisis sa bigas!”
Bad News: Sabi ng mga tao, “walang pambili ng bigas!”

Good News: Willie Revillame, mawawala nang two weeks!
Bad News: Two weeks lang.

Good News: Willie Revillame, mawawala nang dalawang linggo
Bad News: Atty. Lenard De Vera, papalit daw muna sa show! #toingkz!

Good News: Pangulong Aquino, tahimik sa isyu ng coco levy funds ni Danding Cojuangco
Bad News: Bakit good news? Anong good news do’n?

The News: Pangulong Aquino, tahimik sa isyu ng coco levy funds ni Danding Cojuangco
Bad News: Blood is thicker than hair.

Good News: Kris Aquino, ayaw na raw sa pag-ibig!
Bad News: ‘Pag-ibig’ mas ayaw sa kanya!

Good News: Pangulong Aquino, kasamang nananghalian ang Bb. Pilipinas-Universe na si Shamcey Supsup
Bad News: Shamcey, ayaw ibigay ang cell number! #toingkz!

Ano ang iniisip ng babae/lalaki sa larawan?

A: “Kung makapisil naman ‘tong matandang ‘to, halatang sabik na sabik!”
B: “Wala ka bang planong maging reporter o newscaster?”
C: “Ay, bakit parang malagkit? Ano kaya ang huling hinawakan nito?”
D: “Join me later iha. Joyride tayo.”


CBCP and McDo
McDonald’s has stopped the airing of its latest television advertisement after Catholic Church leaders complained that it was sending the wrong message to children. Last Monday, a statement expressing disapproval of the ad was released by the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines otherwise known as the Advertising Standards Council.

Girlfriend mo na ba ako?
Ayoko nga. ‘Di pa ako ready eh.
Huh?
Demanding ang mga girlfriend. Gusto ganito. Gusto ganyan. Ewan!
Gusto ko lang naman ng fries.
Talaga?

[Pari at sakristan, nag-uusap.]

Polluted
According to the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, the most polluted area in Metro Manila is around the MRT Edsa/Taft station in Pasay City. In second place is radio host Raffy Tulfo’s mouth.

Venus Hurt
Beauty queen-turned-TV host Maria Venus Raj whose hairstyle during the Bb. Pilipinas 2011 telecast was lambasted by critics online admitted that she was deeply hurt by the negative comments on Twitter. Venus declined to elaborate, excused herself and said, “Mauna na po ako. Late na po ako sa prusisyon.”

In Hollywood…
Despite the controversies, criticisms, and ridicule, Charlie Sheen is reportedly making a TV comeback. He couldn’t say no to Manny Pangilinan.

Reports say Catherine Zeta Jones has checked into a mental health clinic. The actress suffered a nervous breakdown following the arrest of her son, Jason Ivler Jones.
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“The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away.”
~John S. Coleman on Taxation


April 15th
On this day in…

1999: Former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto & her husband, Asif Ali Zardari were convicted of corruption. Their son, Mikey Bhutto Zardari was charged with tax evasion.

Personal
Congratulations to both GMA7 and ABS-CBN for bagging awards in the 2011 New York Festivals. GMA won a silver and two bronze, while ABS-CBN won a silver and a bronze. Here’s the complete list of this year’s winners.

Yari Ka!
Is the president of the Czech Republic a pen stealer?

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ma-suspend ang programa ni Willie Revillame dahil sa “macho dancing” incident?
- Dapat lang! 67.92%
– Hindi na. Warningan na lang. 17.55%
– Bahala na ang MTRCB. 14.53%

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(Note: Shamcey Supsup and President Aquino/Official palace photo.)





TOUGH LUCK

7 04 2011


SUMMER NA! Bakasyon na ang mga estudyante. Malapit na rin ang Holy Week. Dahil d’yan, maging ang mga bituing gumagabay sa mga pulitiko at taong-gobyerno ay nasa vacation mode na rin. Pero bago sila mag-break, narito muna ang kanilang payo at babala sa ilang personalidad sa lipunan.

President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag ituring na setback ang latest heartbreak. Sanayan lang ‘yan. May ibang babae para sa ‘yo. Ang problema nga lang: baka hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanila. Bahala na.

Sa kalusugan: Ayaw ka naming takutin pero ayon sa pag-aaral, ang average smoker ay umaabot lamang sa edad na 69. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sa trabaho: Paramdam ka pa nang konti. Lagi na lang si Binay eh.

Lucky Tip of the Day: Huwag hayaang makawala ang suwerte. Isara ang bibig kapag ‘di naman nagsasalita.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio

Sa pamilya: So far, so good. Lahat ng sinimulan mo sa Makati City, ipinagpapatuloy ng iyong unico ijo. And when we say lahat, we mean lahat! Tuloy ang maliligayang araw.

Sa trabaho: Umanin ka! You are so enjoying this. Ikaw na ang maging bida sa balita araw-araw! Nangangamoy 2016 na!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini

Sa kalusugan: Tataas ang blood pressure mo. Hinay-hinay lang sa pagkain ng adobo’t embotido.

Sa trabaho: Tama ang desisyon mong tanggihan ang alok ng isang giant network na mag-host ng isang cooking show. Hindi kasi ito magri-rate.

Sa pamilya: Isang teen actor ang magki-claim na ikaw ang tatay niya. Huwag maniwala sa kanya. Hindi mo siya anak. Ewan ko lang ‘yong kapatid niya.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Birth: Unknown
Sign: Delikado!

Sa pag-ibig: Itigil ang ilusyong crush ka pa rin ni Rudy Fariñas hanggang ngayon. Hindi bagay sa ‘yo ang mag-blush. Ang sagwa eh.

Sa trabaho: Ay, meron ba? May ginagawa ka? In fairness, hindi halata.

Sa kalusugan: Habang papalapit ang iyong impeachment trial, magkakaroon ka ng insomnia. Ganyan talaga kapag ayaw patulugin ng konsensya.

Lt. General Jacinto Ligot
Birth: Won’t tell
Sign: Won’t tell

Sa kalusugan: Kakapitan ka ng isang rare disease. Ito ang tinatawag na “Kris Aquino Syndrome.” Kapag ipinatawag ka ng Senado, lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay mo, mabaho man o mabango ay isisiwalat mo sa publiko. Panalo!

Sa trabaho: Hindi na kailangan. Sa laki ng nakamal mong salapi, mag-relax ka na lang. Kapal ng mukha lang ang kailangan.

Sa pag-ibig: Bantayan ang galaw ng iyong misis. Kilalanin ang kanyang dance instructor. Magsaliksik at alamin rin ang kahulugan ng terminong “cougar.”

Willie Revillame
Birth: January 27, 1961
Sign: Aquarius

Sa trabaho: Wala ka talagang kadala-dala. Bitbit mo pa rin sa Singko ang mga natutunan mo sa kabila. Magbago ka na!

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag nang umasa sa babaeng pinopormahan mo ngayon. Kahit langit at buwan pa ang iregalo mo d’yan, hindi ka niya magugustuhan. Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka niya type!

Manuel V. Pangilinan
PLDT Chairman

Birth: July 14, 1946
Sign: Cancer

Sa trabaho: Patuloy na mag-iingay ang ilang kongresista at kukuwestyunin ang acquisition ng PLDT Group sa Digitel/Sun Cellular. Well, dating gawi. Simulan mo na ang pagkukuwenta. Magkano ba sila?

Sa pag-ibig: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka. Huwag intindihin ang mga tsimoso’t tsismosa. Hindi mo kasalanan kung “can afford” ka. Inggit lang sila.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard
Birth: No records available
Sign: 1/4 Ophiucus , 3/4  Unidentifiable

Sa pagsasalita: Engaging ka. In fact, your histrionics unite people. Kapag napapanood ka nila, sama-sama at sabay-sabay silang nagmumura!

Sa pagiging ina: You’re incomparable.

Sa takbo ng pag-iisip: You’re irreparable.

AT SUMAINYO ang isa na namang edisyon ng mga hula at babala ng mga bituin. Kung nais n’yong malaman ang inyong sariling kapalaran, right click here.

German or Jewish?
The Department of Health says 90 percent of Filipino men are circumcised. The rest have partners who pretend to be happy.

Tax Evaders?
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed charges against Ang Galing Party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo and wife, Angela Montenegro for their alleged failure to remit 73.85 million pesos in taxes to the government. But Mikey’s lawyer, Ruy Rondain explains the BIR should have given his client ample time to reply. After all, it’s not that easy to produce fake receipts.
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“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”
~Barry Goldwater

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakadilaw sa larawan?
A: “Ayaaaan, ssshwak na sshwak ang bago mong pustisho! Ang saya-saya… ‘no?!”
B: “O, ‘wag kalimutan sha 2013 huh! “Arroyo sha balota… ire-elect sha Pampanga!”
C: “Hello there! You smile at me when you say hello there!”

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: It’s over for PNoy & Len

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Personal: Some readers have alerted me that they couldn’t post the article on Facebook and they repeatedly receive a notice that goes: “This message contains blocked content that has previously been flagged as abusive or spammy. Let us know if you think this is an error.”

Hindi ko po alam kung bakit. Pasensya na.








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