THE EPAL QUIZ: Undas Edition

3 11 2012

“Nipisan naman natin ang mga mukha natin.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr’s appeal to politicians last All Saints’ Day

UNFORTUNATELY, his appeal fell on deaf ears. Some people couldn’t control the urge to showcase their mastery of the art of epalitics. This is The Epal Quiz: Undas Edition.


1: Sa Taguig City, ito ang bumungad sa isang sementeryo. Ano ang naging reaksyon ng mga tao?
A: “Whaaaat?!!! Ano raw ang ikinamatay? Grabe, may sisenta na ba ‘yan?”
B: “Ano ‘to? Dry-run? Sana nag-Barong Tagalog.”
C: (sings) “Through the years, you’ve never let me down/ You turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found/ I’ve found with you, through the years…”


2: Meanwhile, in Parañaque City. Free WiFi daw! Ang tanong:
A: Gagana ba ‘yan sa sementeryo? ‘Di ba dead spot ‘yon?
B: Nasagap n’yo ba ang signal? Ang signal na campaign season na naman?!
C: Kapag inalis ba ang mukha ng dalawang pulitiko, magkakaroon ng password?

3: May mga karatula at patalastas ng pulitiko na mapapa-“’Tang-*na This!” ka talaga. Basahin ang nakasulat sa pader:


Isang halimbawa ang ginawang ito ng nagki-claim na alkalde kahit hindi pa nahahalal. Sa Caloocan…
A: “Buwis na binayaran, ginamit sa kaepalan!”
B: Cementery mo’ng mukha mo!
C: ‘Sabagay, cemented naman kasi. Sige na nga. Cementery na kung cementery.


4: Siyempre, hindi pahuhuli ang mga Liberal sa District 1 ng Quezon City! Sinu-sino ang mga nasa larawan?
A: Mga ‘di matahimik na kaluluwa dahil malapit na ang eleksyon.
B: Mga public servants na dapat purihin, tularan, at ipagbunyi dahil sa walang pag-aalinlangang paglilingkod sa kanilang nasasakupan.
C: Mga nag-audition para sa sequel ng Insidious.


5: Dahil dapat lahat ay represented noong Undas, may nagparamdam na party-list group sa isang public cemetery sa QC. Ano kayang meron?
A: Hindi ka ba nasabihan? May taping ng cooking show!
B: Kung hanap mo ay murang cremation, LPG ang solusyon!
C: Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Undas. ‘Tapos maraming tao. ‘Tapos may tent. ‘Tapos may nakabalandrang mukha si Congressman. ‘Tapos eleksyon sa 2013. ‘Tapos, tapos na! Ganung kasimple! Hindi naman dapat icomplicate ang mga bagay, ‘di ba?


6: Sa Pandi, Bulacan, hindi magugutom ang mga nagtungo sa libingan. Salamat sa pakain ni Mayor Enrico Roque. Ano ang mensaheng nakasulat sa styro?
A: Eat now, vote later.
B: Ang ‘di susuporta sa halalan, mabibilaukan!
C: Upang lalong ganahan, titigan ang aking larawan.


7: Matapos kumain, kailangan mo ng panulak. ‘Wag mag-alala, ipu-provide ‘yan ng Governor at First Lady ng Laguna! Saan kaya galing ang tubig na ‘yan?
A: Pinagpawisan ‘yan ng mag-asawa kaya dapat ‘pasalamat ka!
B: ‘Yan ang tinatawag na tax in a bottle.
C: Wala akong pakialam kung saan ‘yan nagmula. Ang hindi ko matanggap ay kung bakit kailangang laging naka-display ang pagmumukha ng dalawang ‘yan!


8: Sa bayan ng Nasugbu sa aking home province of Batangas, ito ang makikita. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ni San Pedro Calungsod?
A: “Sino ba ang Santo? Ikaw o ako? Bakit mas malaki pa ang picture mo?”
B: “’Wag kang mag-alala Lerma. Ipagdarasal kita. Ipagdarasal kong matalo ka!”
C: “Huwag mo ‘kong gamitin sa kampanya. Hindi kita kilala!”


9: Pasyal naman tayo sa isang sementeryo sa Tarlac at maki-join sa kanilang party. Ano ang masasabi mo sa epal tarp na ito?
A: “Haloween” your face! Wrong spelling wrong!
B: “Ano ang nasa dako pa roon/ Bunga ng malikot na pag-iisip / Likha ng balintataw o halaw sa isang daigdig ng kababalaghan…”
C: To be fair kay Bokal, effortless ang Halloween costume n’ya!


10: Balik tayo sa Parañaque. May nagpaparamdam. Basahin natin ang mensahe ng dating kongresistang si Ed Zialcita. “Undas 2012 Compliments of EDZA”
A: So, ikaw ang nagbigay ng Undas 2012?!? Creation mo? Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa ‘yo! Salamat naman sa holiday!
B: Zir, zuper liit naman ng picture mo za ztreamer. Zayang ang zpace. Zana nilakihan mo pa para zure na maza-zight za zementeryo.
C: Saan kaya natin siya sunod na makikita? Sa Coaztal Road, sa Zouth Luzon Exprezzway o sa Z-5. Your guezz iz az good az mine. lolz

For those who missed:
The Epal Quiz 1
The Epal Quiz 2
The Epal Quiz 3
The Epal Quiz 4
The Epal Quiz 5
The Epal Quiz 6

————————
Attention whore: Label given to any person who craves attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it.
~Urban Dictionary

Enjoy the rest of your long weekend!

Maraming salamat sa mga larawang ginamit sa post na ito:
Epal Watch, No More Epal on Facebook, Doland Castro, Noel Alamar, Dennis Obsuna, Sha Risse, Erwin Aguilon, Sonny De Leon, Dexter Estacio, JL Guevarra and Jay Bernardo.

If you’d like to send your own photos of epaliticians for the next Epal Quiz, you may send it here: epaliticians@yahoo.com. Or you may contact Epal Watch. Thank you.





DEAD!

1 11 2012

MILLIONS OF FILIPINOS trooped to cemeteries to remember and visit the dead. Today, Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Representative Mikey Arroyo was up early. He paid a visit to his political career.


For security reasons, bladed weapons are strictly prohibited in cemeteries. Sketchy reports say Congressional candidate Annabelle Rama was not allowed entry until she agreed to leave her tongue outside the memorial park.

And because it’s All Saints’ Day week, both local and cable TV channels feature horror stories and scary characters. Last night, on her show ‘Bawal Ang Pasaway,’ Mareng Winnie Monsod talked about poverty in Bicol and interviewed Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte.

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. called on politicians to refrain from premature campaigning in cemeteries on All Saints’ Day. An upset Brillantes appealed for “delicadeza.” To which, politicians replied, “Ano ‘yon?”

No Extension
Voter registration for the next elections ended Wednesday, October 31. On-ground campaign began in cemeteries November 1.

Singer and TV host Regine Velasquez was one of those late registrants at the Comelec office. She made it before the 3pm deadline though. Congratulations to the only allowed Filipino flying voter, Songbird!

Asked by reporters why “the last-minute registration,” Regine Velasquez replied, “Eh kasi, I’m preparing for a concert.” I didn’t know it takes two years to prepare for one.

Disqualified
After dropping 28 party-list groups from its list, the Commission on Elections disqualified incumbent Congressman Mikey Arroyo’s Ang Galing Pinoy party-list group as well as ALAM or Alab ng Mamamahayag which claims to represent “marginalized” journalists. The disqualification of Ang Galing Pinoy and ALAM brings the total number of underrepresented sectors to… zero.

Sandy
Reports say New York City has never experienced a natural disaster as devastating as Hurricane Sandy. And Al-Qaeda leaders were like, “Natural? That’s what you think.”

Ugly?
In China, a man sued his wife for deceiving him into believing that her good looks were all natural. It turned out that she had plastic surgery to look beautiful. The Chinese woman was identified as Lah Ni Misa Lu Tsa.

In China, women go under the knife to look beautiful. In the Philippines, women go under the knife to look ugly.
—————————————
“With more opportunity comes more opportunists.”
~Amy Gardner

Quote of the Week
“Sinasabi ko lang, kaunting delicadeza. Huwag naman nilang samantalahin ‘yung holiness ng occasion. Huwag namang punuin ang sementeryo ng mga poster at tarpaulin.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. to epalicitians on All Saints’ Day

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





FAMOUS LAST WORDS 2012

30 10 2012

IN OBSERVANCE of All Saints Day 2012, here’s the updated version of one my previous posts titled “Predicted Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Famous Filipinos.”


President Aquino: “Kasalanan ito ng nakaraang administras… ngorkx.”

Vice President Binay (via text blast): “khit wla na ako sa mundong ibabaw, mkkaasa kayong ipgpp2loy ng aking mga anak na cna nancy, abigail @ jun2x ang tapat @ taos-puso kong pgllngkod. pls pass…”

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “Hello, Mikey? Will my wake be visited by 1 million?”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim (via Twitter): “O, mauna na ako.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda: “At the end of the day… ugh.”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: “Senator Trillanes… sana maging happy ka!”

Sarah Pope (via her blog): “30”

Sen. Tito Sotto: “60” (Baka sabihin n’yo kinopya ko na naman. Dinoble ko para safe.)

Atty. Ferdinand Topacio: “Achtung!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Panginoon, bigyan mo ako ng isa pang buhay, at iimbestigahan ko ang sakit kong ito. Pati ikaw Lord iimbestigahan ko!”

Manny V. Pangilinan: “One big flight.”

Cynthia Villar : “Hanep na ang patay dahil may hanep… basta, hanep.”

Cong. Winnie Castelo (Via tarp): “Thank you Lord! See you soon! – Rep. Winnie Castelo, 2nd District, Quezon City

Annabelle Rama: “Eduardo… Roffa… Rocky… Elvis… Raymond… Rechard… Ritchie Paul… bahala na kayong maningil kay Nadia. Kulang pa ng 125,000 ang b*boy na ‘yon! Ang kapal-kapal ng muk…” (gasps, dies)

Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment po.”

German Moreno: “Walaaaaang gisingan!”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Pwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh!”

Boy Abunda: “And this is the bottomline!”

John Lloyd Cruz: “Hik!”

Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “@iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’m gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mama, u’r creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka! pero seriously, i’m going to miss you. promise. #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!”
——————————-
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
~Woody Allen

Enjoy your vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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