NAGPAPATROL, 24 ORAS

5 06 2011

SA UNANG PAGKAKATAON sa kasaysayan ng telebisyon, sumasainyo ang programang hatid ng pinagsanib na puwersa ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs at GMA News and Public Affairs.

Live mula sa panulukan ng dalawang kalsadang hindi namin puwedeng pangalanan, “Nagpapatrol… 24 Oras!”


Kabayan: Magandang gabi bayan!
Mike: Ekskyus me pow Kabayan! Parang ako yata ang dapat mag-introw ng show na itow!
Korina: No Mike, mas nauuna talaga kaming pumasok. Sa sobrang haba ng OBB n’yo, nasa first item na kami, headlines pa lang kayo.
Mel Tiangco: Nakow huh! Aba’y nakatutok pala talaga kayo sa programa namin ‘noh? Pati haba ng opening namin alam na alam mo! Pambihira!
Ted: Ehem. Humahaba na po ang diskusyon. We are on live TV. Simulan na natin. Ako si Ted Failon… ngayon!

Kabayan: Sa detalye ng mga nagbabagang balita! Tinanggihan ni dating senador Mar Roxas ang alok ni Pangulong Aquino na maging kalihim ng Department of Transportation and Communications kapalit ng nagbitiw na si Secretary Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Nagpapatrol… si alVEEEN Elchico!
Alvin: Kabayan, nag-anunsyo na naman ng piso kada-litrong pagtataas sa presyo ng gasolina ang tatlong higanteng kompanya ng…

[Nawala sa screen si Alvin, nag-black ang screen then umapir ang logo ng "Nagpapatrol... 24Oras"]

Kabayan: A-che-che! Nagkamali ako ng tinawag na reporter. Pasensya na alVEEEn! Mabuti pa, kausapin na lang natin nang live si dating senador Mar Roxas. Magandang gabi Senator!

MarRoxas: Magandang gabi naman sa ‘yo Kabayan at sa mga tagapanood n’yo. At higit sa lahat, good evening sa misis kong nariyan sa studio. Kung ‘di dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makukumbinsing magpa-interview ngayon. Alam mo na!

Kabayan: Totoo bang tinanggihan mo ang alok ng Pangulo na maging DoTC secretary?
MarRoxas: Alam mo kabayan, kahit kailan naman, hindi ako nagsalita tungkol sa kahit anong offers o non-offer. Basta ako, I will serve for the pleasure of the president. Basta’t ikakaligaya niya, pagseserbisyuhan ko siya.

Kabayan: Sabi ni Secretary Ochoa, patuloy na dini-define ang iyong functions as presidential chief of staff…
MarRoxas: ‘Yon nga ang ‘di ko maintindihan Kabayan. Isang buwan nang dini-define ni Ochoa ‘yan pero Hunyo na, wala pa ring linaw. Kung gugustuhin niyang matapos ang pag-define, maraming paraan. Pero kung ayaw, talagang matatagalan. Inip na nga ako eh.

Kabayan: Anong reaksyon mo sa pahayag ni Sen. Chiz Escudero na mas makakabuting sa DoTC ka?
MarRoxas: Mas makakabuting manahimik siya! Hindi ko kailangan ang advice n’ya.
Kabayan: Kasi raw, according to Chiz, kapag nasa palasyo ka at kasama ni Ochoa, baka magkagulo pa…
MarRoxas: Ayusin n’ya muna ang gulo sa buhay n’ya!
Kabayan: Huling tanong na lang senador… wala pa ba kayong balak magkaroon ng baby ni Ate Koring?
MarRoxas: Saka na ‘yan Kabayan kapag defined na ang functions ko bilang asawa niya.
Kabayan: Maraming salamat dating senador Mar Roxas. Korina…

[Title Card: Marcos Burial]

Korina: Sa ibang balita… full military honors para sa libing ng pinatalsik na diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos! Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino ni Vice President Je… achooo! Pasensya na po, sinisipon ako. Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino period! Ayon sa nabuong report ni Vice Presid… achooo! Grabe na talaga ang sipon ko. Sorry. Ayon sa nabuong report, bibigyan ng full military honors ang dating pangulo ngunit ang interment service ay isasagawa hindi sa Libingan ng mga Bayani kundi sa Ilocos Norte. Kaugnay ng balitang ‘yan, makakausap natin si Vice Presi… achooooooooooooo! May makakausap po tayo, period. Nasa linya na raw yata siya. I’m not sure. Hi!
Vice President Binay: Magandang gabi Korina. Salamat sa pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.
Korina: Ahm, parang may technical problems po tayo. Wala akong marinig.
Vice President Binay: Kung hindi mo marinig, ipapaliwanag ko na lang sa mga nanonood. Alam n’yo mga kababayan…
Korina: Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo pero napakasama talaga ng signal natin. Susubukan po naming maibalik…
Vice President Binay: Hindi ako nawala. Narito ako Korina.
Korina: Basta, we’ll try to call again. Narito muna si Mike…

[Title Card: Ronda Alerto Patrol 24!]

Mike: Huling-huwli ang SUV ng aktowr na si Richard Gutierrez na nag-ow-owverspeed sa kahabaan ng Cowmmonwealth Avenyow na kilala rin sa tawag na killer highway sa Quezown City. May live na owlat mula sa tanggapn ng MMDA si Michael Fajatin. Michael?
Michael: Mike, pasado alas-otso nang umaga nang hulihin ng MMDA ang driver ng sasakyan ni Richard Gutierrez. Ngunit… ahm, matapos ang ilang negosasyon, ito’y matapos na, tinicketan siya, tinicketan siya Mike, pagkatapos nito, hindi na sila nag-away, nag-away sila sa simula, pagkatapos nito’y nagkaroon sila ng ahhh, pag-aaway sa simula.
Mike: Klarowng-klarow ang repowrt mo Michael. Pero anow ‘towng nabalitaan naming sumugod daw diyan ang ina ni Richard. Bakit?
(Commotion)
Annabelle: Akin na ‘yang mikrupunu mu dung! At ‘yung kamiraman dung. Tutuk mu sa akin ang kamira dung! Hillu! Hillu! Si Mike Inrikiz ba ‘tu?
Mike: Mga Kapusow, live pow mula sa MMDA, si Ms Annabelle Rama!
Annabelle: Hay naku dung! Walang alam si Rechard! Inusinti ang anak ku dung! Natotolog siya sa kutsi nang paliparen ng driver niya dung!

Mike: Teka lang, nasaan ba si Richard? Bakit kayo ang nagpapaliwanag?
Annabelle: May teyping ng Captin Barbill ang anak ku! ‘Di puwiding abalahin! Basta! ‘Yung driver niya ang bubu dung! Idadamay pa niya ang anak ku! Nag-highblood tuloy ang dugo ko dung.
Mike: May mensahe ka ba sa MMDA enfowrcer na humuli sa driver ng anak mow?
Annabelle: Basta ang anak ku, walang kasalanan! He was the victims here! Wala akong message sa MMDA dung! Piro may minsahi lang ako dun sa maliit na batang si Xyriel Manabat dung! Huuuuuy! Hende ka pa man sekat day! Sinwirti ka lang sa 100 Gays to Hivin day! Piro, mas sekat pa rin ang anak kung si Rechard day! ‘Yun lang dung! Ibalek ku na dong ang mikrupunu at kamira kay Michael Pahada.
Michael: Fajatin po Tita.
Annabelle: Huwag mu kung tawaging Tita dung! Hindi kita pamangkin!
Mike: Maraming salamat Michael Fajatin… live mula sa MMDA sa Lungsod ng Makati.

[Title Card: Suma-Survey!]

Ted: Bago ko ibigay ang Suma-Survey question ngayong gabi, ‘wag kalimutan ang tampok sa aking programang “Failon: Now Na!” – ang inirereklamong mga fish cages diyan sa Talisay, Batangas. Akalain n’yo yun! Hindi pala mga Pinoy ang owner ng daan-daang illegal fish cages diyan sa Taal Lake kundi mga Chinese nationals! Plano nga raw ng mga residente ng Talisay na mag-file ng diplomatic protest sa China na inaakusahan nila ng territorial incursion. Pangamba ng mga residente, baka bukas o makalawa ay angkinin na rin ng mga Intsik ang lawa!


May exclusive interview din tayo sa isang bangus na himalang nakaligtas sa fish kill. Talaga naman pong makapanindig-balahibo ang kaniyang mga rebelasyon. Sa maniwala kayo’t sa hindi, ibinunyag ng nakaligtas na bangus na nagsasalita raw hindi ng Tagalog, kundi Mandarin ang isang grupo ng fingerlings sa pinanggalingan niyang fish cage! Malaking isyu ito kapag nagkataon! Kaya’t huwag na huwag n’yong palalampasin bukas nang hapon ang “Failon: Now Na!”

Buweno, narito na ang survey question natin ngayong gabi! Sa inyong palagay, magkakaasawa kaya ang pangulo bago matapos ang kanyang termino?
A. Wish Ko Lang!
B. Depende sa gusto ni Kris.
C. Thank you for that wonderful question Sir. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Las Vegas!
D. ‘Yong malaswaaa! Ang gusto kong pakialaman n’yo ‘yong malaswaaa!

To vote, type: Matanda (space) Binata (space) Your Answer (space) Address (space) Signature, and send to 23666 for all networks. Kapag walang signature, hindi bibilangin ang boto. Samantala, narito naman si Tita Mel…

[Title Card: Sagip Kapusong Totoo]

Mel Tiangco: Thank you Ted. Gumuguwapo ka yata ‘no huh? Kahapon ay dumulog sa tanggapan ng GMA Kapuso Foundation ang isang beinte anyos na babaeng itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Rosario. Medyo kakaiba ang problema ng Kapuso nating ito ano po. At upang higit nating maunawaan ang kanyang pinagdadaanan, minabuti nating kausapin nang live ngayong gabi si Rosario. Paalala lamang sa mga viewers, medyo maselan po ang isyung ating tatalakayin kaya’t ipinapayo namin sa mga magulang na gabayan ang inyong mga anak sa panonood. Magandang gabi Rosario…

Rosario: Good evening naman po Tita Mel.
Mel: Ikaw na ang magkwento iha. Ano ba ang problema mo at paano ka namin matutulungan?
Rosario: Kapapanganak ko lang po last March Tita Mel. Two months old po ‘yong baby ko last May 30. Gusto po ng ama ng baby ko na sundan kaagad ito.
Mel: Pambihira naman pala ‘no! Matanong ko lang, nasaan ba ang ama ng baby mo?
Rosario: Busy po eh. May misa.
Mel: Ano?
Rosario: Pari po ang ama ng baby ko.
Mel: Por diyos por santo! Pari ang ama ng baby mo?!? Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Bakit po? Anong nakakagulat do’n Tita Mel? Matagal nang uso ‘yon. Heller!
Mel: ‘Tapos gusto na namang masundan??? Pambihira!
Rosario: ‘Yon po ang problema ko Tita. Anti-RH bill po siya. Tuwing magtatalik kami, ayaw n’yang gumamit ng condom. Wala daw po sa Bible ‘yon!
Mel: Pambihira ‘no?! Mahirap nga ‘yang pinasok mo iha. Masyadong personal ang iyong problema! Anong tulong ang kailangan mo sa aming istasyon?
Rosario: Blackmail po.
Mel: Blackmail? Pambihira! Anong blackmail?
Rosario: Ganito po ‘yon Tita Mel. (To camera) Babe! Ayaw kong gawin ‘to… dahil, in fairness, mahal naman kita! Pero mapilit ka eh. Kapag ‘di ka pa nag-condom mamayang gabi, mapipilitan akong ibunyag ang pangalan mo at ang parokyang pinaglilingkuran mo! ‘Yon lang!
Mel: Aba’y maganda nga ‘yang naisip mo iha! Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Salamat po sa tulong Tita Mel.

[Title Card: Star Chika Minute Patrol]


GretchenF: Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya, narito na ang ating balitang showbiz…
Pia G: Chikaaaaa Minute! Mga Kapuso, tutukan n’yo ang mainit na panayam ni Nelson Canlas kay…
GretchenF: Teka lang! Nauna akong pumasok dito ah!
Pia G: Paanong ‘di ka mauuna eh binalya mo ako papasok sa studio. Balyenang flirt!
GretchenF: Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako balyena! ‘Tsaka mas sikat ang aming mga artista!
Pia G: Excuse me too! Walaaaaaa kaming artista at all! ‘Di n’yo kaya ‘yon! May showbiz segment kami pero wala kaming artista! Fine! Mauna ka na!

GretchenF: Mga Kapamilya… kapapasok pa lang ng balitang ito: Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion… break na raw?
Pia G: Hahhahah! Pinaglololoko n’yo ang mga viewers n’yo!
GretchenF: Tumahimik ka d’yan kung ayaw mong paglapitin ko ang mga mata mo!
Pia G: Whatever!
GretchenF: As I was saying mga Kapamilya, malakas ang bulung-bulungan na hiwalay na nga raw sina KC at Papa Piolo. Nagpapatrol… Mario Dumaual.

Mario: Apat na buwan matapos umaming “sila na,” kumalat kanina ang tsismis na break na raw sina Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion. Magugunitang naging kontrobersyal ang ginawang pag-amin ng dalawa noong Enero sa “The Buzz.” Sa katunayan, sa isinagawang joint survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia from March 5 to 10, lumabas na 99.95 percent ng mga Pilipino ang nagsabing “Etchos lang” ang relasyon ng dalawa samantalang .05 percent naman ang sumagot na, “Waley!” Ang natitirang .01 percent ay nagsabing, “Wehhh?” Tumanggi munang magbigay ng pahayag sina KC at Piolo hangga’t hindi natatapos ang kanilang kontrata sa isang brand ng canned tuna at isang brand ng berdeng tsaa. Mario Dumaual, Patrol ng Pilipino!

[Last Segment: Free For All Chikahan]

Kabayan: Uy, balita ko babalik na sa puwesto si Virginia Torres ng LTO. Ang lakas niya pala talaga sa pangulo. Dalawang buwang suspendido pero and’yan pa rin sa puwesto.
Mike: Alam mow Kabayan, ibinalita namin sa 24Oras last week, nakakagamowt daw ng cancer ang mga tuko!
Korina: Ibig n’yo bang sabihin, cancer-free ang mga tao sa LTO kasi may tuko do’n?
Ted: Ikaw ang nagsabi niyan! Pero ayon nga sa tweet ni Kumareng Lynda Jumilla, the Balay and Samar blocs are passé. Ang namamayagpag daw ngayon: ang paksyong SB: Shooting Buddies!
Mel: Oo nga ‘no?! Pambihirahh!

[Extro]

Ted: At ‘yan po ang mga balitang aming nakalap sa mas malawak na pagpapatrol!
Mel: Mga balitang aming tinutukan sa nakalipas na 24 Oras. Maraming salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala!
Korina: Kami ang mga Patrol ng Pilipino… hanggang bukas!
Mike: Ito po ang GMA walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan, serbisyong totoo lang. At dahil hindi natutulog ang mga balita, nakatut…
Noli: Tama naaaaa! Ang haba-haba ng extro n’yo! OT na tayo! Magandang gabi bayan!

[Closing Credits]

-The End-
———————————————————————
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
~Anonymous

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE GOOD WIVES (?)

6 03 2011


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
– Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
– Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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FIGURES

10 11 2010


Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.


Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?


Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
—————————————
“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7’s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
– OO. Why not? 21.44%
– HINDI. 44.37%
– Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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NEWS/CASH

8 11 2010


STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
– Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
– Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
– Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

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