HOLY TWEETS!

13 11 2012

REPORTS SAY Pope Benedict XVI will be on Twitter before the end of the year. I predict an onslaught of bashers and trolls. But then again, they’ll be forgiven naman, right?


Top 10 Tweets You Wouldn’t Read From Pope Benedict XVI’s Twitter Feed

No. 10: Guessing. Hmmm, Piolo? RT @sharon_cuneta12 Pasalamat kayo at nakakapagpigil pa kami ng anak ko. ‘Pag napuno talaga kami, baka ilabas namin ang katotohanan tungkol sa idolo n’yo!

No. 9: RT @TweetofSatan Winnnnnning! – ULOL!

No. 8: praying for the dallas mavericks. go dirk! #germansrule

No. 7: OMG! #EnriqueGilonGGV #dougie

No. 6: “@TheMayorLim: O, wala nang traffic sa Recto at Morayta. Pinaalis na natin ang illegal vendors.” – WEHHHHH?

No. 5: Horny much. Joooooke! #priestproblems

No. 4: briefly noted: ‘angels and demons” has a rating of 37% ONLY on rotten tomatoes; ‘the da vinci code’ – 25% ONLY lols #karma

No. 3: First 1,000 Filipino Catholics to RT this will get a follow back from me: No to RH Bill!

No. 2: RT @ZenyResurexn: Good evening His Holiness. What’s your take on the Tito Sotto plagiarism issue? // HE CAN GO TO HE’LL. GRRR, AUTOCORRECT!!!

And the No. 1 tweet you won’t see on Pope Benedict XVI’s Twitter feed…

BEHAVE!!!!!!!! RT @MonsignorMoretti: @OneDirection hello harry, zayn, louis, niall, and liam! can’t wait for your concert in rome! xoxo

In Memoriam

Sinotto
Amid persistent allegations of plagiarism and an ethics complaint, Tito Sotto, in a privilege speech Tuesday, stood his ground and refused to admit to doing anything wrong at all. In totally unrelated and unverified report, Sotto is being offered to endorse at least three brands of cement.

Petraeus Affair
CIA Director David Petraeus resigned after admitting to an extramarital affair. In the Philippines, when you admit to an illicit relationship, you don’t lose your job. You get elected.

An FBI probe uncovered an extramarital affair between ex-CIA Director David Petraeus and his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Wait! Senator Enrile’s biographer is a guy right? Ok. Safe.

Most Wanted
After three decades, Baguio City’s most wanted drug dealer was arrested. The report scared Baguio City’s second most wanted because he hated the looming ‘promotion.’

Elmo’s Puppeteer
Kevin Clash, a puppeteer who performs as Elmo on “Sesame Street” reportedly had an intimate relationship with a minor. What?!? You mean Kevin Clash is a priest?!??

The puppeteer who performs as Elmo on ‘‘Sesame Street’’ took a leave of absence from the long-running children’s show amid allegations he had an intimate relationship with a 16-year-old boy. When Ernie and Bert heard this, they were like, “At least we’re of age!”
———————————
“Pride is the mother of arrogance.”
~ Toba Beta

Quote of the Weak
“Copying or imitation is the highest form of flattery. If it upsets the Kennedy family, I’m sorry. “
~Tito Sotto, Privilege speech, November 13, 2012

Kris Reacts
Via Twitter, Ms Kris Aquino sent this blogger a couple of direct messages yesterday, Nov. 11 to clarify something about my previous post titled “KRISSY RETURNS.” She said, “Darla is Kris Tv head writer, Alvin is my assistant who takes care of all scheduling etc.”

Thank you for the info Kris and for being such a good sport. ALWAYS. Venti! Venti! Venti! :)

Have a productive week everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[In Memoriam Artwork: CartoonStock.Com]





PUNCHING BAG

16 10 2012

FIRST, SOME GOOD NEWS. The government has signed a historic peace pact with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. The Arroyos could only wish they were the MILF.


The peace accord was the good news. And in better news, Ralph Recto has resigned irrevocably as chairman of the Senate ways and means committee.

In a privilege speech last week, Senator Ralph Recto described his version of the sin tax bill as “reasonable, realistic and responsible.” Or as tobacco companies would call it, “Awesome!”

After getting flak for his “watered down” version of the sin tax bill, Sen. Ralph Recto said he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Recto was supposed to describe himself as the “whipping boy” but he feared Tito Sotto would accuse him of plagiarism.

In another privilege speech Monday, Ralph Recto claimed he had become the “national punching bag of the week.” Tito Sotto had also complained of being the favorite “whipping boy.” On behalf of millions of Filipinos who are mired in poverty and who have not eaten a decent meal in months, we would like to apologize to Senators Sotto and Recto. Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo. Aping-api na pala kayo. Patawad po.

Last week, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said that he’s so tired and stressed he might just resign as majority floor leader. And Nike was like, “Just do it!”

More Good News
The Commission on Elections has disqualified 22 more party-list organizations including two groups with incumbent representatives in the Lower House simply because they do NOT represent marginalized sectors. The disqualification was slammed by the groups’ leaders who vowed to rally their constituents – as soon as they find one.

Ex-Allies Fight
Did you hear the news? Akbayan and Anakbayan supporters had a scuffle earlier today. At one point, the shouting match turned violent… prompting the Malaysian Prime Minister to intervene.

Senatorial Bets
The Comelec has approved the candidacy of at least 27 out of 84 senatorial hopefuls. The rest may resume their jobs in the circus.

VP to Vatican
President Aquino picked Vice President Binay to represent him in Vatican City for the canonization of Blessed Pedro Calungsod. Binay accepted the assignment to the Holy See to, once and for all disprove rumors he’s a ‘maligno.’

Handwashing Day
The Global Handwashing Day was observed Monday, October 15… although senators who passed the Cybercrime Law have been doing that for the past three weeks.

Lucy Liu
On ‘The Late Night Show With David Letterman,’ Hollywood actress Lucy Liu said she preferred running indoors than outdoors because, “If I get really dark, I’ll start to look a little Filipino.” Apparently, Liu doesn’t want to look like Filipino… to which many Filipinos reacted, “Kami rin.”

Hot Planet
Astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. But that’s really nothing compared to Korea, which has thousands.
———————————————–
“Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide.”
~Kurt Vonnegut

Quote of the Day
“But this framework agreement, no matter how we object to it, in my opinion is a blessing in disguise to us. This would lead to the demise of the MILF – 17,000 of their armed forces have shifted loyalty to us and many more are coming back to us. None of them will be left. It is like a sinking ship.”
~Moro National Liberation Front Chairman Nur Misuari on the MILF-GRP peace accord

Have a peaceful week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





UNANIMOUS!

9 10 2012

VOTING UNANIMOUSLY, the Supreme Court of the Philippines issued a temporary restraining order on the controversial Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012! And Leila De Lima was like, “Ahmm… do I really have to follow that?”


Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says the Cybercrime Law is “unconstitutional.” But Justice Secretary Leila De Lima insists it is “constitutional.” Do you still remember when Leila De Lima was out there defending fundamental human rights like free speech? Me neither.

The good news is the Supreme Court has voted unanimously to stop the implementation of the Cybercrime Law. The bad news is the High Court has yet to issue a TRO on Tito Sotto’s never-ending “Ako ang favorite whipping boy… ” rant.

It was a unanimous vote by the magistrates of the Supreme Court. As long as they’re UNITED against the unconstitutional provisions of the Cybercrime Law, I really don’t care if they’re DIVIDED during flag ceremonies. Thank you Supreme Court!

TRO on the Cybercrime Law: Reactions


“Our missiles is easy to reached your mainland Padre Faura. We warn your Supreme Court of Manila!”
~Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un (North Korea)

“Last day, I happy because I win election. Today, I lonely because court okay speaking freedom in Philippines. I disappoint. Very disappoint.”
~President Hugo Chavez (Venezuela)

“You Pilipinos unfair in Sotto. Sotto correct every time. Sotto right against whip boy. I big pity whip boy. TRO can giant blow in fight opposite cyberspaced opinions. Very bad rule in your Supreme Court.”
~President Hu Jintao (China)

“Sad day in future of Philippinos government. You speak negative, you free. You write anti, you free. You tweet criticize, you free. You unlike work politicians, you free. You free is bad to country. I sentence Justices must die in stone! Stone justices, stone!”
~President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran)

“Que horror! Wrong decision. Korte Suprema afraid of people. Government can fight Korte Suprema. Freedom not always right. Freedom not always help economy. Wrong decision. TRO was devil. Devil in high degrees.”
~Fidel Castro (Cuba)

“We admire the justices of the Supreme Court. The magistrates are cerebral unlike the lawyers from La Salle and Ateneo who are intellectual pretenders and interlopers!”
~The Varsitarian, Official student publication, The Pontifical and Royal University of Santo Tomas, The Catholic University of the Philippines


“I will always respect the legal processes that are issued by the court.”
~President Noynoy Aquino

“I will always respect the legal processes that are issued by the court, too.”
~Tito Sotto, comedian/politician

In Other News
In a scathing anti-RH Bill editorial, UST’s official student publication, The Varsitarian hit Ateneo and La Salle professors who were supportive of the bill calling them “intellectual pretenders.” The Atenean and La Sallian professors retaliated by proofreading the article.

Fired!
Reports say 15 nurses were dismissed for ‘liking’ a Facebook status of a colleague who criticized the management of the Taguig-Pateros City District Hospital. The Taguig City administrator denied the allegation and insisted that the nurses were fired for “disregard of authority,” “disobedience,” and for rejecting his Facebook friend request repeatedly.

Penis Size
According to a recent study, Congolese have the longest manhood while Indians, Chinese, Thais, and North/South Koreans have the shortest. The study didn’t cover the Philippines… much to the relief of Filipinos.
————————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~ G.K. Chesterton

Quote of the Weak
“I withdrew it, alam mo kung bakit, kasi gusto rin ni Noynoy (President Aquino) ang libel kaya winidraw ko.”
~Sen. Tito Sotto on his bill seeking to junk the Libel Law

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[SC Ruling Photo: GMA News' Lia Mañalac]





TOO BIG A PROBLEM?

22 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO has met with his Cabinet twice to discuss his State of the Nation Address on Monday. Do you still remember his “walang wangwang, walang tong, walang counterflow” statement during his inaugural? Well, rumors say there will be similar declarations in his SONA, e.g. “Walang kaso (Trillanes), walang hinto (media killings), walang tubig.”

Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino will not use any gimmicks in his SONA, unlike former President Arroyo, who used three poor children to dramatize the problems of the country. Instead, Aquino’s SONA will be more optimistic. To underscore the importance of hardwork and loyalty, he’ll use the four Abads in government.

Unconfirmed reports say the president will deliver a 25-minute speech. The first half of the speech will be drafted by the pro-Binay faction of the Communications Group; the second half by the pro-LP/Hyatt 10 faction.

Another unconfirmed report says Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will skip Monday’s State of the Nation Address. She’s tired of listening to other people telling her about her life story.

Of course, Jose Maria Sison’s minions in the Extreme Left will be holding a protest rally on Monday. They are expected to burn effigies… of Etta Rosales.

Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino won’t have any gimmicks in his SONA. Actually, Noynoy initially considered using three poor children and a “bangkang papel.” May nakita na siyang tatlong bata; meron na ring bangka. Ang problema, walang tubiiiig!


What Crisis?
Location: Metro Manila. People fighting one another for a pail of water; angry mob busting water pipes; schools suspending classes, and establishments shutting down operations. All these and yet, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists there is no water crisis. So anong meron tayo? Leadership crisis?

Thousands of residents in the metro’s western zone have become desperate for water. They are now asking the Church to issue an Oratio Imperata Ad Petendam Pluviam or Obligatory Prayer to Request for Rain. If it fails, they’ll be asking President Aquino to party with the Malacañang Press Corps and sing two songs again.

Light Bites
(Warning: Corny. Read at your own risk.)
Q: Saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga mahihirap, mga api, at ang mga underprivileged?
A: Eh ‘di… sa Wawa Dam.

You know there’s a serious water crisis when…
a member of the Abad family uses the toilet but you only hear the “flush sound” after the fourth member of the family is done with his/her thing;
Chiz Escudero and Paquito Ochoa ask for water, and Korina Sanchez gives them poison, and,
former president Gloria Arroyo gets thirsty, and she starts drinking from a ‘leak’ of her own (Eew!).

Brain Drain
PAGASA Deputy Administrator Nathaniel Servando reveals 24 of the top weather forecasters and engineers have left PAGASA in the past 6-10 years for higher-paying jobs abroad. Overseas, they get an equivalent of 150 to 200 thousand pesos per month, and other incentives. Here, they get around 20 to 37 thousand per month, and a president’s invective.

Flash Report!
Isang weather disturbance, palapit nang palapit!
Mga weather forecasters, palayo nang palayo!

Trillanes’ Request Junked
The Makati City RTC has junked the motion for temporary release filed by detained senator Antonio Trillanes so he could attend the inaugural session of the 15th Congress. The court’s decision was a huge setback for Trillanes, his supporters, and Francis Pangilinan.

Sharon’s Gripe
Actress Sharon Cuneta said she felt as if she was stabbed after her husband Francis Pangilinan’s bid for the Senate presidency was rejected by other senators including her uncle, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto. But Sotto was unfazed by Sharon’s gripe saying, “Even if she’s stabbed several times, I’m sure, hindi aabot sa kanyang laman ‘yon.”

Asked why he’s supporting Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Sotto explained, “Gusto ko happy siya!”
————————-
“A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.”
~ Ralph W. Sockman

Survey Says
What do you think of the four Abads in government?
- They are qualified. What’s your problem?!? 26%
- Weather-weather lang ‘yan. 69%
- Wala akong pakialam. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Nakikisimpatya at nakikiisa ako kina Mang Zosimo, ang pedicab driver at Aling Budang, ang maliit na tindera ng puto’t kutsinta sa palengke sa kanilang pagtutol sa plano ng pamahalaang Aquino na sila ay buwisan. Bago n’yo habulin ang mga Pinoy na kayod-kalabaw, habulin n’yo muna ang mga asal-halimaw katulad ng mga opisyal ng Makati City Hall na may utang na 1.2 billion pesos sa BIR. Kailan n’yo sila sisingilin, kapag presidente na si Binay, at senador na si Junjun, at alkalde na ang kanyang apo? Bakit natahimik ang kaso laban sa IMBOA president na si Claire De La Fuente na hindi nagbayad ng 417 million pesos na buwis? Napakaraming dapat habulin, ‘yung maliliit ang inyong iipitin? Ginagalit n’yo ko ah!





LEFT WITH VILLAR

15 12 2009


Villar and the Left
Party list representatives Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have finally agreed to join the Nacionalista Party as guest senatorial candidates. The hardcore leftists made the decision to join Villar’s party because they’re running under similar platforms and they’re running out of time.

Villar and the Left II
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza of the newly formed Makabayan Party have forged a tactical alliance with presidential aspirant Manuel Villar Jr.’s Nacionalista Party for the 2010 elections. While Ocampo and Maza also held talks with the Liberal Party, they opted to say yes to Villar mainly because it was more acceptable for them to be in the same slate with Bongbong Marcos than Rissa Hontiveros.

Villar and the Left III
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have picked Manny Villar over Noynoy Aquino. The Left finds it more acceptable to support a ‘Panginoong May Bahay’ than a ‘Panginoong May Lupa.’

Villar and the Left IV
Nacionalista Party standard bearer Manuel Villar Jr. said, “If you can’t understand why we teamed up with Makabayan, you don’t understand what the Nacionalista Party is fighting for.” Of course, we do! You are fighting for survival!

Villar and the Left V
Nacionalista Party has formed a tactical alliance with Makabayan Party, an umbrella group of hardcore Leftist organizations including Bayan Muna, Gabriela, Anakpawis, Kabataan, Katribu, Migrante, Courage, and the Alliance of Concerned Teachers. With the support of the Left, Villar believes his will be the biggest proclamation “rally” ever.


IRREPLACEABLE?
For Senator Manny Villar
[Inspired by the “strange” alliance between the Makabayan Party and the Nacionalista Party (with Bongbong Marcos). To be sung to the tune of Irreplaceable, Beyoncé’s Grammy Award-winning song. Before start singing, right click here for musical accompaniment, para mas cool.]

With the Left, with the Left
With the Left, with the Left
Hmmm, with the Left, with the Left

Everything you’ll do for a win, with the Left
From the outset that’s your wish, yes
(If) we don’t buy it don’t say ouch (say ouch)

You keep courting those guys, that’s fine
And Bongbong Marcos at the same time
But it’s our fate you put on the line
Be wise with your moves lest we call you an ass

Refrain:
Standing on the platform telling us
”Vote for me you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a man like you
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could choose another guy in the precinct
Matter fact seven, eight also running, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another you by 2010
Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And check out that slate, see if it’s fine
Oops, we bet ya thought that we didn’t know
What you did is for your party’s survival

Sir, isn’t that true
Look at your bets, Marcos&Ocampo?
Will they make up and kiss
Hurry up before your ratings drip

Refrain II
Standing on the platform telling us
“My bets are best you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a team like yours
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could pick another guy from the Senate
We could have Gibô or that talking short Dick, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another guy by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

http://www.congress.gov.ph/download/press_photos/Suarez,%20Danilo.jpg In Other News…
Remember Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez? The congressman who footed a $15,000 bill for a sumptuous dinner for President Arroyo and her entourage in her recent US trip raffled off 300 thousand pesos to Lower House employees who attended the regular Monday flag-raising ceremony. Senate employees are reportedly excited to attend the flag-raising ceremony next Monday following rumors that Sen. Manuel Villar is raffling off houses and lots.

Not to be outdone, Liberal Party’s Sen. Noynoy Aquino will be raffling off his family’s shares of Hacienda Luisita stocks.

FPJ’s Death Anniv
The family, friends, and supporters of actor Fernando Poe Jr. commemorated his 5th death anniversary yesterday, December 14. Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada also attended the mass. Nope, Jun Lozada is neither a family member nor a friend or supporter of Poe’s. Wala lang. Wala siyang ibang magawa eh, bakit nakikialam kayo?

GMA’s Health
After a “routine check up,” President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a a medical bulletin. Instead, it advised the public to read Jarius Bondoc’s next column for juicy details.

GMA’s Health II
President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a medical bulletin but said the president was excited to attend the Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to learn more about the effects of global warming on breast implants.

NPC’s Bets
The Nationalist People’s Coalition is supporting only the candidacy of vice presidential bet Loren Legarda, and is fielding just two senatorial candidates for the 2010 elections – former Sen. Vicente Sotto and Agusan del Sur Rep. Rodolfo Plaza. The decision to field only two senatorial bets didn’t come as a surprise since the NPC has only three remaining members.
________________
“Politics makes strange bedfellows.”
~Charles Dudley Warner





TEAM UNITY RETURNS

1 05 2008

null Cabinet Revamp

The reported impending appointment of defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay to the Bureau of Customs has received a lot of flak. Critics say the president must appoint someone who really knows smuggling and the operation of smugglers. Malacañang agrees. The problem is – can the president appoint her husband?

null Cabinet Revamp II

Last year, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Lito Atienza was appointed environment secretary. Recent reports say defeated senatorial candidate Mike Defensor will be the next press secretary, defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay the next chief of the Bureau of Customs, and defeated senatorial candidate Tito Sotto the next chair of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Yet another defeated senatorial candidate Tessie Aquino-Oreta is reportedly being eyed as the next DepEd secretary. If this trend continues, President Arroyo will soon lead a cabinet of losers.

Cabinet Revamp III

Unconfirmed reports say Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye will be replaced by defeated senatorial candidate Michael Defensor. But Bunye has nothing to worry about. According to the grapevine, he’s being groomed to replace Edu Manzano as Optical Media Board chairman – primarily due to his ability to identify fake from original tapes.

Wage Hike and the CBCP

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has joined labor groups in demanding a wage hike for Filipino workers. The Catholic Church’ call was fueled by the alleged shortfall in collected donations from parishioners recently.

Injured, Again

For the umpteenth time, the military reported that Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Hapilon has been wounded following a gunbattle. If I were to believe AFP’s claim, I’d really pity this Hapilon guy. He must be a walking scar by now. (Pang-ilan na bang “wounded” report ‘yan? I’ve lost count.)

null Botched Surgery

Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan are facing a P26-million lawsuit filed by a Filipino-American who accused the couple of botching a penis enlargement procedure. Patient Louem Martinez a.k.a. Louem Boschuk claimed his penis sagged and was badly deformed after the operation. He is now seeking 20 million pesos in actual damages, 3 million pesos in moral damages, and another 3 million pesos in exemplary damages… officially making his manhood the ugliest but most expensive Filipino cock ever.








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