LIGHT BULB JOKES, ANYONE?

21 09 2012

LET’S TAKE IT EASY this weekend with another dose of light bulb jokes. Enjoy!


Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to order the filing of a case against those who purchased the overpriced, low quality burnt bulb.

Q: How many presidential spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to spread the good news on Twitter.

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to confirm the death of the old bulb and one to replace it.

Q: How many anti-RH Bill legislators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but he will probably delay it.

Q: How many Herbert Bautistas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put up a streamer announcing the accomplishment.

Q: How many Villafuertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One whole family. But expect infighting and discord during the installation.

Q: How many Lourdes Serenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If it’s God’s will, there will be light.

Q: How many Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He’s not interested. He’d rather change the Senate leadership.

Q: How many Alfredo Lims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: O, pwede nang dalawa. One to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. He’ll let somebody else do the task and claim later that he did it himself.

Q: How many Joel Villanuevas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change it and 50 to observe and learn from the free electrical training.

Q: How many Pinoys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.

Q: How many Ateneans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Greg Slaughters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-half.

Q: How many Thomasians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it as four others chant, ‘Go USTe! Go USTe! Go USTe! Go! Go! Go! Go!”

Q: How many UP alumni does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one – holding the burnt bulb – to condemn state abandonment of education.

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “F*ck off! Lagi na lang kaming punchline!”

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have employees to do that for them.

Q: How many Marzan couples does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One couple to change it and another couple to beat the crap out of the burnt bulb.

Q: How many Vice Gandas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Napundi lang ang bumbilya, papalitan agad ng bago? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-kandila muna para tipid?”

A: Isa lang.
Q: How many Madam Aurings does it take to change a light bulb?
———————————–
“It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for any public office.”
~ H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day
“Mabuti nga nagkakasya pa ang ulo niya sa elevator.”
~Former President Joseph Estrada accusing Sen. Antonio Trillanes of being arrogant and an ingrate

Personal
Good luck to the members and coaching staff of the UP Pep Squad who are seeking a 3-peat in the 2012 UAAP Cheerdance Competition on Saturday, Sept. 22 at SM MOA Steep Much Arena. To all the teams competing, break a leg. [Please don’t take that literally.]

Ibalik ang Cheerdance Competition sa Araneta Coliseum!

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HE BANGS (NAMAN!)

3 09 2012

QUEZON CITY Rep. Winston ‘Winnie’ Castelo has been at the receiving end of criticism for the countless billboards and tarpaulins in Quezon City bearing his portrait and name.

To be fair, he is not the first one and is not the only elected official stuck in this habit of self-promotion – using government funds.

But this ka-epalan has to stop.

We wanted to do an interview with Mr Anti-Planking Bill but we learned that the solon was too busy in his district. Fortunately, we were able to chat with his bangs. Yes, the infamous fringe. Here is the transcript of that odd but otherwise revealing conversation.


Good morning Mr Bangs! Kumusta na po kayo?

Okay naman. Heto, kaka-rebond lang.

Wow. Asensado.

Naman! Ako na. Ako na ang maging bangs ng kinatawan ng 2nd District ng Quezon City.

Konting background info lang Mr. Bangs. Ilang taon ka na ba?

Halos ka-edad ko si Sir Winnie. Pero recently lang ako napag-usapan dahil nga sa kabi-kabilang tarps at billboards ng amo ko.

Enjoy ka naman?

Naman! Sino bang ‘di matutuwa kapag tinitingala ng maraming tao? Sino bang ‘di mai-excite kapag pinagmamasdan ng mga botante. At sinong ‘di magiging proud kapag nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng mga constituents? Am I enjoying this? Naman!

‘Yon ba talaga ang expression n’yo? “Naman?!”

Naman! Pati ba naman ‘yon napansin mo pa?

Naman! Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga nagbabagang isyung kinasasangkutan ng amo mo. Handa ka na ba?

Naman!

Ok. Unang isyu: binabatikos si Congressman Winnie dahil sa “Thank You” tarp for the late DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo. Bakit raw kailangang naka-imprenta pa ang pangalan nila ng kanyang asawang si Councilor Precious Hipolito. Close ba si Congressman kay Sec. Jesse?


Naman! For your information, miyembro rin ng Liberal Party si Boss Winnie. May karapatan siyang makidalamhati. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, heto ang pruweba, right click here then open!

Wow, ikaw lang ang bangs na alam ang right click!

Naman!

Kaya lang, hindi naman ‘yong pakikidalamhati ang binabatikos eh kundi ‘yong malaking pangalan ng mag-asawa sa tarpaulin.

Sige, pangalan mo na lang daw ang ilagay. Tutal, inggitero ka eh. Sa 40th day ng kamatayan ni Secretary Robredo, igagawa ka namin ng tarp: “Miss You Sec Jesse – Lovelots, Professional Heckler,” matigil ka na lang. Masyado kang maraming reklamo eh.

‘To naman! Nililinaw lang naman eh. Masyado kang pikon.

Naman!

Curious lang kami. Between your bossing Winnie Castelo and Mayor Herbert Bautista, sino ang mas maraming nakabanderang mukha sa QC?

Grabe ka naman! Para mo namang ‘tinanong kung sinong may mas mahabang buhok: si Ms Abi Valte o si President Noynoy. Siyempre si HB. Matindi ‘yon. Hindi lang naka-display ang mukha. Sementado pa ang initials! Humihinga pa… may lapida na! Sa gate, sa kalye, sa pader, sa truck, sa t-shirt, sa puno, pati yata sa kuyukot niya naka-tattoo!

OA ka. Pati ba naman kuyukot?

Naman! Kapag mag-isa nga kami ni Boss Winnie sa kuwarto, tinatanong ko siya eh: “Kung wala na po ba si Mayor Herbert sa pwesto, siya ang gagastos sa pagtatanggal ng mga naka-sementong initials niya sa buong siyudad?”

O, anong sagot ni Congressman Winnie?

Sabi lang niya: “‘Ta#g-in@, nababaliw na yata ako. Bakit parang nagsasalita ang aking bangs?”

Ha ha! Sumagot ka ulit?

Hindi na. Na-weirduhan din ako sa kanya eh! Nagsasalita siyang mag-isa.

Ang kulit n’yong mag-amo! Maiba ako, pinsan pala ng boss mong si Winnie Castelo si Sen. Tito Castelo Sotto?

Hindi plagiarist ang amo ko!!!

‘Tinatanong ko lang kung magpinsan sila. Bakit defensive ka?

Eh kasi kilala na kita! Tiyak na do’n papunta ang tanong mo. Inunahan lang kita. Hindi plagiarist si Bossing Winnie.

Sige na nga. Pero totoo bang gustong i-criminalize ni Congressman ang plagiarism?

Saan naman nanggaling ang isyung ‘yan?

Sa website niya. And let me quote his press release dated February 23, 2011: “Plagiarists are like pirates in the intellectual seas that they too must be arrested, jailed, and made to answer for the crimes they commit.” Anong masasabi mo?

Ahm, pwedeng pakiulit? Choppy ka eh. Choppy.

Ah, ganun? Pwes, choppyhin mo ang mukha mo.

Tanga! May mukha ba ang bangs?

Whatever! Bago ko malimutan, alam naman ng lahat na ang boss mo ang proponent ng Anti-Planking Bill. Siya rin ang naghain ng bill na naglalayong maglaan ng 14 inches na space sa bawat pasahero ng jeep ang mga operators. At si Castelo rin ang nagpanukalang gawing non-working holiday ang Chinese New Year. Sino ang mas astig ang bills: siya o si Senator Lapid?

To be fair sa kanilang dalawa, they think out of the upside down box. Kaya laging unique at pang-masa ang kanilang bills. So I think pareho lang.

UP graduate nga ba si Congressman Castelo?

Naman! Bakit?

Hindi halata.

Are we done here?

Wow, nag-i-Ingles ang bangs?

Naman!

Last na lang. Paki-explain ang mga sumusunod na larawan. First photo: Bakit po in red font ang W at C sa Watch Community?


Ah, wala ‘yon. Favorite color kasi ni Congressman Castelo ang red. Nagkataon lang na initials din niya ang W at C. Pero sa maniwala ka’t sa hindi, coincidence lang ‘yon. Masyado n’yo namang binibigyan ng kulay ang kaliit-liitang bagay.

Moving on… heto naman po ang Computer School on Wheels. Tanong: Computer school ba talaga ‘yan o common poster area ng Comelec?


Again, nanghuhusga kayo ng kapwa. Tumutulong na nga ang amo ko, kinukuwestyon n’yo pa. Next!

Last photo: Titigan n’yo po ang larawan ng amo mo habang nagsasalita. Then, titigan ang mga nakasabit na larawan sa likuran. Kumpletuhin ang kasabihang ito: “The family that prays together…”


Sus, sisiw! “The family that prays together… rules together.”

Wow, ang husay! UP!

Naman!

O, bibigyan kita ng pagkakataong magbigay ng mensahe sa mga kritiko ng iyong amo. Ano ang gusto mong sabihin sa kanila?

Ako na! Ako na ang nag-iisang bangs na magbibigay ng message. Ano ‘to, talk show?

Naman!

Sige na nga. Si Congressman Winnie na yata ang kauna-unahang kongresistang biktima ng cyberbullying. Sa mga ayaw huminto sa panlalait sa tarpaulin at billboards ng amo ko, ito ang tandaan n’yo: Walang krimen ng self-promotion sa Pilipinas! Bakit naman siya papaapekto sa mga kritiko? Kritiko lang kayo! ’Pag kinuha na kayo ni Lord, mananagot kayo doon, hindi rito.”

Teka, familiar ‘yang mga linyang ‘yan ah. Hoooooooy, kay Tito Sotto ‘yan!

Walang krimen ng plagiarism sa Pilipinas!

Ay, oo nga pala. Ang galing mo talaga.

Naman!
————————–
“We think we are being interesting to others when we are being interesting to ourselves.”
~ Jack Gardner, Words Are Not Things

Quotes of the Week
“Hindi ho ba kaya, noong wala pang DILG secretary ay maraming mga maiitim at maliliit na mga maligno ang siya pong naka-ano dyan, umaabang-abang para makuha po ang pwestong yan.”
~ Broadcaster Korina Sanchez (dzMM)

“Aminado naman po kami na maliit at maitim ang daddy ko pero hindi naman po ata tama na tawagin ni Korina na maligno s’ya.”
~Nancy Binay, daughter of VP Binay via a tweet to @HecklerForever

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THANK YOU:
Epal Watch and @wenchie318 for the photos used here.








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