ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT

26 07 2011

SICK. Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is still confined at the St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig City where she was admitted yesterday, July 25. But a reliable source told the Professional Heckler the Pampanga representative was fine. What happened Monday was just a “hospital arrest drill.”

This just in: Physicians at the St. Luke’s Medical Center have advised Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to undergo surgery to repair her damaged cervical spine. They also advised newly-appointed Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales to be patient.

SONA 2011
President Noynoy Aquino delivered his second State of the Nation Address Monday at the SMART-Batasang Pambansa Complex.

Looking dapper and relaxed, President Aquino delivered a 53-minute speech: no drama, no frills, no fanfare, no RH Bill, no Hacienda Luisita, no Freedom of Information Bill, and no economic roadmap.

Puwede na rin.

And for once, there was no joke about his love life. Congratulations!

Defying expectations, President Aquino delivered a State of the Nation Address, not State of the Nation & Arroyo.

Still, the President lambasted the sale of used helicopters owned by the former First Family to the Philippine National Police. Monitoring the SONA at home, the Arroyos exercised ‘maximum tolerance.’

According to the President, the present administration has uncovered anomalies in the state gaming firm PAGCOR. The biggest of which was the botched attempt to convert PAGCOR into Starbucks.

Reports say the President’s speech lasted 53 minutes. Or as former PAGCOR executives would say, eternity.

In an apparent reference to the rift with the Chinese over the Spratly Islands, President Aquino said, “Ang sa Pilipinas ay sa Pilipinas!” And Harry K. Thomas was like, “That’s mah boy!”

President Aquino declared, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” In short, we, Filipinos are not afraid of you, we will not be cowed, and we will fight to the end. I hope that’s clear… Vietnam!

The President said, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” At that moment, the Chinese ambassador called Beijing and said, “Melon ba iskedyul sunod bitay drug mule? Huwak kayo bagal. Ako inip na.”

The President added, “Kapag tumapak ka sa Recto Bank, para ka na ring tumapak sa Recto Avenue.” Tama! Lalo na kapag malakas ang ulan.

In his SONA, President Aquino extended the olive branch to the bishops! Talk about saving Margie Juico’s ass!

President Aquino thanked Roman Catholic bishops and priests in his speech. Say goodbye to the RH Bill!

President Aquino also called on Filipinos “to unite for progress.” To which Filipinos replied, “Samar & Balay first.”

The President said, “If you see something right, do not think twice—praise it.” After the SONA, some people approached Sen. Gringo Honasan and praised him.

President Aquino added, “If you see a policeman directing traffic, go to him and say, ‘Thank you.’” But better be ready with a valid excuse for violating laws on jaywalking.

He also said, “Before you leave school for home, approach your teacher who chose to invest in your future—say, ‘Thank you.’” But never, ever say “No, thanks” to her ‘special tocino.’

The President also advised, “If you chance upon your local leader on a road that was once riddled with holes, but is now smooth and sturdy—go to him and say, ‘Thank you, for the change you have brought.’” But never, ever add, “Magkano ba’ng kinita nating komisyon sir?”

On Negativism
“Let us stop pulling our fellow man down.” – Sabi ni Erap: “Ako ‘yon!”
“Let us put an end to our crab mentality.” – Sabi ni Gloria: “Shino ‘yon?”
“Let us make the effort to recognize the good that is being done.” – Sabi ni Noynoy: “Ehem.”

The President promised to include in his agenda the development of PTV Channel 4. Take that IBC 13!

President Aquino vowed to develop government station PTV 4. Sorry to disappoint you Manoling Morato but there’s no truth to rumors that Dial M will be revived.

Briefly Noted: President Aquino’s speech was interrupted 48 times by guests applauding… and twice by coughing.

Reacting to the President’s State of the Nation Address, Senator Pia Cayetano said, “Nagustuhan ko sana kung mas may lalim.” Apparently, Pia missed that part where the President mentioned “West Philippine Sea.”

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri did not attend President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address… which I believe, was a wrong decision since Monday’s SONA could probably be his last as a member of the Senate.

Trivia: President Noynoy Aquino was the first Philippine president to deliver his SONA entirely in Filipino. So, to the President’s critics who insist that he has not accomplished or achieved anything at all, take that!

Word of the Week
WANG-WANG: Anything nega.
To use in sentences:
– Dahil sa kaka-wang-wang sa pera ng bayan, winangwang ng karamdaman ang dating pangulo.
– “Tara sa Pagcor, coffee tayo.” “Ayoko nga! ‘Yong perang ipinambili n’yan, winangwang mula sa pondo ng gobyerno!”
– Sa kabila ng kanyang pag-iyak sa telebisyon, marami ang naniniwalang hindi winangwang ng ilang members ng Team Azkals si Amanda Coling.
——————————————————————
“When you make speeches, you elicit expectations against which you will be held accountable.”
~Bill Bradley

Quote of the Weak
“I look like a garden!”
~Pampanga Fourth District Rep. Anna York Bondoc describing her SONA 2011 attire

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address both in Filipino and in English

SONA 2011 Fashion: Soaring or Boring?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: LeBron James’ agents asked for $600,000 to play in Manila

Stay safe! Enjoy the rest of the week!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

21 07 2011

OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart

Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton

Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol

Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official

Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby

Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy

Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia

Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi

Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci

Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler

Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador

Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel

Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela

Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy

Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo

Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega

Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos

Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
———————————————————————————–
“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner

You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

Enjoy the rest of the week!








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