TOUGH LUCK

7 04 2011


SUMMER NA! Bakasyon na ang mga estudyante. Malapit na rin ang Holy Week. Dahil d’yan, maging ang mga bituing gumagabay sa mga pulitiko at taong-gobyerno ay nasa vacation mode na rin. Pero bago sila mag-break, narito muna ang kanilang payo at babala sa ilang personalidad sa lipunan.

President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag ituring na setback ang latest heartbreak. Sanayan lang ‘yan. May ibang babae para sa ‘yo. Ang problema nga lang: baka hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanila. Bahala na.

Sa kalusugan: Ayaw ka naming takutin pero ayon sa pag-aaral, ang average smoker ay umaabot lamang sa edad na 69. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sa trabaho: Paramdam ka pa nang konti. Lagi na lang si Binay eh.

Lucky Tip of the Day: Huwag hayaang makawala ang suwerte. Isara ang bibig kapag ‘di naman nagsasalita.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio

Sa pamilya: So far, so good. Lahat ng sinimulan mo sa Makati City, ipinagpapatuloy ng iyong unico ijo. And when we say lahat, we mean lahat! Tuloy ang maliligayang araw.

Sa trabaho: Umanin ka! You are so enjoying this. Ikaw na ang maging bida sa balita araw-araw! Nangangamoy 2016 na!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini

Sa kalusugan: Tataas ang blood pressure mo. Hinay-hinay lang sa pagkain ng adobo’t embotido.

Sa trabaho: Tama ang desisyon mong tanggihan ang alok ng isang giant network na mag-host ng isang cooking show. Hindi kasi ito magri-rate.

Sa pamilya: Isang teen actor ang magki-claim na ikaw ang tatay niya. Huwag maniwala sa kanya. Hindi mo siya anak. Ewan ko lang ‘yong kapatid niya.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Birth: Unknown
Sign: Delikado!

Sa pag-ibig: Itigil ang ilusyong crush ka pa rin ni Rudy Fariñas hanggang ngayon. Hindi bagay sa ‘yo ang mag-blush. Ang sagwa eh.

Sa trabaho: Ay, meron ba? May ginagawa ka? In fairness, hindi halata.

Sa kalusugan: Habang papalapit ang iyong impeachment trial, magkakaroon ka ng insomnia. Ganyan talaga kapag ayaw patulugin ng konsensya.

Lt. General Jacinto Ligot
Birth: Won’t tell
Sign: Won’t tell

Sa kalusugan: Kakapitan ka ng isang rare disease. Ito ang tinatawag na “Kris Aquino Syndrome.” Kapag ipinatawag ka ng Senado, lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay mo, mabaho man o mabango ay isisiwalat mo sa publiko. Panalo!

Sa trabaho: Hindi na kailangan. Sa laki ng nakamal mong salapi, mag-relax ka na lang. Kapal ng mukha lang ang kailangan.

Sa pag-ibig: Bantayan ang galaw ng iyong misis. Kilalanin ang kanyang dance instructor. Magsaliksik at alamin rin ang kahulugan ng terminong “cougar.”

Willie Revillame
Birth: January 27, 1961
Sign: Aquarius

Sa trabaho: Wala ka talagang kadala-dala. Bitbit mo pa rin sa Singko ang mga natutunan mo sa kabila. Magbago ka na!

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag nang umasa sa babaeng pinopormahan mo ngayon. Kahit langit at buwan pa ang iregalo mo d’yan, hindi ka niya magugustuhan. Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka niya type!

Manuel V. Pangilinan
PLDT Chairman

Birth: July 14, 1946
Sign: Cancer

Sa trabaho: Patuloy na mag-iingay ang ilang kongresista at kukuwestyunin ang acquisition ng PLDT Group sa Digitel/Sun Cellular. Well, dating gawi. Simulan mo na ang pagkukuwenta. Magkano ba sila?

Sa pag-ibig: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka. Huwag intindihin ang mga tsimoso’t tsismosa. Hindi mo kasalanan kung “can afford” ka. Inggit lang sila.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard
Birth: No records available
Sign: 1/4 Ophiucus , 3/4  Unidentifiable

Sa pagsasalita: Engaging ka. In fact, your histrionics unite people. Kapag napapanood ka nila, sama-sama at sabay-sabay silang nagmumura!

Sa pagiging ina: You’re incomparable.

Sa takbo ng pag-iisip: You’re irreparable.

AT SUMAINYO ang isa na namang edisyon ng mga hula at babala ng mga bituin. Kung nais n’yong malaman ang inyong sariling kapalaran, right click here.

German or Jewish?
The Department of Health says 90 percent of Filipino men are circumcised. The rest have partners who pretend to be happy.

Tax Evaders?
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed charges against Ang Galing Party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo and wife, Angela Montenegro for their alleged failure to remit 73.85 million pesos in taxes to the government. But Mikey’s lawyer, Ruy Rondain explains the BIR should have given his client ample time to reply. After all, it’s not that easy to produce fake receipts.
————————————–
“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”
~Barry Goldwater

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakadilaw sa larawan?
A: “Ayaaaan, ssshwak na sshwak ang bago mong pustisho! Ang saya-saya… ‘no?!”
B: “O, ‘wag kalimutan sha 2013 huh! “Arroyo sha balota… ire-elect sha Pampanga!”
C: “Hello there! You smile at me when you say hello there!”

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: It’s over for PNoy & Len

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Personal: Some readers have alerted me that they couldn’t post the article on Facebook and they repeatedly receive a notice that goes: “This message contains blocked content that has previously been flagged as abusive or spammy. Let us know if you think this is an error.”

Hindi ko po alam kung bakit. Pasensya na.





MISSING LINK

31 03 2011

IN MEMORIAM

MARCH 30, 2011 was a sad day for Filipinos here and around the globe. Three OFWs were executed in China. Yesterday, as the nation mourned for Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain, Filipinos asked, “Why did this happen?” “How do we prevent a similar thing from happening again?” And… “Where in hell is the President?”

Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain have been executed in China. As some of their relatives wept searching for justice, the rest of us wondered, searching for the President.

Asked about President Aquino’s reaction when he learned about the executions, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “He was silent.” Like, duhhhh! Tell us something we didn’t know.

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino learned about the executions, he went to the Malacañang chapel and prayed. That’s the exact reaction I was expecting from the president… of the CBCP.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has failed to save the lives of the three OFWs. If it’s any consolation, he saved the day for the President.

While in Qatar, Vice President Jejomar Binay spoke on radio and television saying, “Until the last moment, we did everything we could to save the three.” Meanwhile, in Malacañang, until the last moment, the President was in silence, praying hard.

In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, President Aquino said the execution of the three OFWs should not affect the “historic friendship” of the country with the Chinese people. The same way that China’s “historic friendship” with the Filipino people was not affected by the “execution” of eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals in Luneta last year.

Nope! There’s no truth to rumors that while the executions of the three OFWs were taking place, President Aquino was monitoring the news at Emerald Restaurant.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. said airport authorities should be stricter in screening people to stop drug trafficking. Congress first.

In other news…
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has dared Sen. Panfilo Lacson to reveal the names of his coddlers. But Lacson declined, and offered to reveal instead the secret ingredient of his mouth-watering adobo.

Marcos’ Burial
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 50 percent of Filipinos favored the burial of former President Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. You know what that means? Fifty percent of Filipinos have amnesia.

Chiz and Cristine
Rumors have it that Sen. Francis Escudero and wife Christine have separated. Sought for comment, Escudero said, “Ang asawa ko ay ang Pilipinas.”


A Philippine Entertainment Portal article claims Senator Chiz Escudero’s wife Christine was spotted at Trinoma Mall in Quezon City with dancer Jason Zamora of the Manoeuvres. Escudero has kept mum on the issue and refuses to answer the question, “Ang asawa mo ba, may B (boylet)?”


March 31st
On this day in…

1521: The first mass is celebrated at Limasawa Island in the Philippines by Father Pedro de Valderrama. But the mass was briefly interrupted when Carlos Celdran stormed the altar and held a sign that read, “Mabuhay si Lapu-Lapu!”

1596: Philosopher Rene Descartes was born. That’s what he thought, therefore he was.

1917: The United States purchases, and takes possession of the Virgin Islands. And the virginity was lost forever.

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island… in an attempt to unmask the identity of Santa Claus.

1945: Sicherheitsdienst, the intelligence agency of Nazi Germany’s Nazi Party murders 10 political prisoners in Zutphen, Netherlands. The victims were killed when they failed to pronounce Sicherheitsdienst correctly.

1949: Newfoundland becomes Canada’s 10th province. Who cares?!
————————————–
“The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

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Let’s celebrate life. Enjoy the rest of the week. Take care ‘coz PH cares.





JUAN DAY IN YOUR LIFE

21 10 2010

THIS JUST IN!
Reports say Afghanistan and Iraq are the second and third most dangerous places for OFWs today. Topping the list is Gulf Air GF Flight 154.

Typhoon Juan: The Aftermath
President Aquino is very pleased that the government has survived the strongest typhoon to hit the world this year. Sayang! Hindi umabot sa First 100 Days!

Reports say President Aquino is very pleased with how government agencies responded to the latest disaster. Because of the government’s preparedness, risks were mitigated, loss of life was minimized, and media attention was diverted from Rico E. Puno.

In his official statement released Tuesday, the President said, “The thorough preparations of all concerned agencies are in marked contrast to the official helplessness of the past.” And Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was like, “Ako! Ako! Lagi na lang ako!”

President Aquino is pleased that the Philippines survived this latest disaster. In fact, Typhoon Juan was the second strongest storm that the country has experienced this year… next only to the Manila hostage crisis.


President Aquino has praised PAGASA for its accurate and timely forecasts. To give you an idea of how ‘timely’ PAGASA has become, Donald Tsang just called. He thanked President Aquino for PAGASA’s advance forecast for Hong Kong.

Here’s the bad news: PAGASA revealed yesterday that another cyclone is developing over the Pacific Ocean and will likely take the same path as that of typhoon Juan: tuwid na daan patungong Northern Luzon. Shoot!

Typhoon Juan has left the Philippines. The ‘super typhoon” was here for like 96 hours…. the same amount of time it takes DepEd officials, PAGASA forecasters, and news reporters to finish saying the acronym for National Disaster Risk Reduction and Management Council. [Altogether now: N-D-R-R-M-C!]

Anti-Aquino Group
Have you heard the news about this anti-Aquino group that calls itself S4? When I first heard the name, I was like, “Oh, no. Not another K-Pop group please!”

Insisting that the May 10, 2010 election was “unconstitutional” because a foreign corporation (Smartmatic) administered it, the anti-Aquino group S4 has declared all elective positions vacant. Now we know what the ‘S’ in S4 stands for. Sick.

Locating Lacson
According to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, the government’s failure to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has embarrassed her. When Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno heard this, he asked, “What’s embarrass?”

Allies of fugitive lawmaker Panfilo Lacson say the senator refuses to surrender because he hates the very idea of being in handcuffs… unless of course he’ll be allowed to bring with him his nail file.

Deles and Dimaporo
Secretary Teresita “Ging” Deles is still at odds with Lanao del Norte Rep. Fatima Aliah Dimaporo. The Presidential Adviser for the Peace Process is at war.

Caparas Charged!
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed 64 counts of tax evasion against controversial National Artist Carlo J. Caparas. When Caparas heard the news, he blurted out, “God, why me?!”


Oldest Galaxy
Astronomers claim they have found the oldest galaxy in the universe. It was also the favorite star of Senator Enrile when he was a kid.

The President’s Lovelife
Presidential Communications Group Secretary Ricky Carandang says President Aquino “can date not just once a month” because he’s single. I so agree with Ricky. In fact, if the President wants to be the next Dolphy… go ahead! As Senator Enrile would say, “Gusto ko, happy ka!”
————————
“There are two big forces at work, external and internal. We have very little control over external forces such as tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, disasters, illness and pain. What really matters is the internal force. How do I respond to those disasters? “
— Leo Buscaglia

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa “conditional cash transfer program” ng gobyerno kung saan P21.9-billion ang ipapamahagi sa pinakamahihirap na Pilipino?
– OO. Bahala na sila sa matatanggap nilang cash. 6.57%
– HINDI! Hanapbuhay ang ibigay, hindi limos. 89.04%
– Honestly, hindi ko alam ang isyu. 4.38%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
Ano ang kulang sa unang linya ng teksto ng poster na ito?

Kung isasalin sa Ingles: ‘Books are read. Not read.’
Yikes!
Oo. Gano’n ang magiging salin nito dahil hindi gumamit ng tuldik o diacritical mark na circumflex o pakupyâ ang artist.

“Ang libro ay binabasa. Hindi binabasa.”
Ang una ay malumay. Ang pangalawa ay maragsa.
Dahil wala ang angkop na tuldik [^], wala tuloy pagkakaiba ang bigkas sa dalawang salita.
Ito ang dapat nakasulat: “Ang libro ay binabasa. Hindi binabasâ.”

Sana ako ay tamà. Ha-ha.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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