ANONYMOUS

18 05 2012

Half-Filipina Jessica Sanchez is through to the finalé of American Idol Season 11. Two weeks back, Manny Pacquiao declared that she would win the title “in Jesus’ name.” I hope Pacman was not misquoted. Good luck Jessica!

“Ako ay natutuwa at nagpupugay sa tagumpay ng kababayan nating si Jessica Sanchez. Ang kanyang talento ay tunay na ikinararangal nating lahat. Nawa’y makamit niya ang titulo sa susunod na linggo. Karangalan siya ng ating bansa. Mabuhay ka Jessica!”
~ (Insert politician’s name here)

ANONYMOUS, an impeachment trial regular granted this blog a quick interview via Facebook chat. But ‘Anonymous’ remains evasive despite his/her newfound fame. Here are excerpts from the exclusive conversation.

Kumusta ka na?

Heto, malihim pa rin.

Sino ka ba talaga?

Secreeeet.

Sige, kung ayaw mong ‘pakilala, ano na lang ang gender mo?

Depende. Minsan, nag-aanyong small lady ako. Minsan naman, presidente ng bangko. Depende talaga sa sitwasyon eh. At depende sa kukuha ng serbisyo ko.

Saan ka ba nakatira?

Depende rin. Pero lately, napapadalas ako sa mga gate.

Gate nino?

Depende pa rin. Pwedeng gate ng kongresista o kaya gate ng civil society leader. Walang permanente eh.

Last Wednesday, galit na galit sa ‘yo si Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Nabulyawan tuloy si Harvey Keh. Anong reaksyon mo?

Naloka nga ako kay senadora. Talak nang talak. For a brief moment, akala ko a-appear si Mon Tulfo to take photos. ‘Buti na lang, wala siya sa Senado. Otherwise, baka may naganap na namang bugbugan. Kaloka.

“Naloka” ka? A-ha! Babae ka ‘no?

Secreeet!

Ipapadampot ka raw ni Senator Santiago sa PNP at AFP.

Ha-ha-ha Bakit? May ideya ba sila sa hitsura ko? Eh ‘yun ngang Palparan at Joel Reyes na nasa diyaryo halos araw-araw ang mukha, ‘di nila mahuli-huli, ako pa kaya? Isang malaking good luck!

Marami ka raw alam tungkol sa bank accounts ni Chief Justice Corona? Saan mo ba kinuha ‘yong mga impormasyon na ‘yon?

Depends. Iba’t iba ang source ko eh.

Are these verified sources?

Depends.

Anong depends? Either your sources are credible or not!

I will not rely on dubious sources! Your assertion is totally baseless.

You are now arguing with the blogger/interviewer!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted!

Noted.

Noted your face! Sumasagot-sagot ka pa! Gusto mo talaga ikaw ang may last word. Now, let me reform my question. Kilala mo ba si Congressman Umali, si Harvey Keh o si Bolet Banal?

No.

Kung ‘di ka nila kilala, bakit tumanggap sila ng envelope mula sa ‘yo?

I am not competent to answer that question.

Sinungaling!

Kung ‘di ka pala naniniwala sa akin, eh ‘di tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to!

Again, you’re arguing with the interviewer/blogger!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa again.

Apology accepted again at ‘wag kang maka-noted-noted dahil hindi ka si Kiko Pangilinan!

‘K.

Any final message sa mga nagbabasa ng panayam na ito…

Mga kababayan, unawain po ninyo kung bakit hindi ako makalantad. Kailangan ko ng seguridad. Ayokong ma-Alfred Mendiola alias Bading. Sa tamang panahon, malalaman n’yo rin ang tunay kong katauhan.

Siguro bading ka rin ‘no?

Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

Homophobic! Humanda ka sa LGBT!

Oh, I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted.

Nota! I mean, noted!

-End of Interview-

From the Tabloids!

PNoy at Grace Lee, friends na lang
> Katulad ng inaasahan

PNoy kay CJ: Walang personalan
> Silang dalawa, ‘di ba pwedeng magkaibigan?

Pacman hinamon ng suntukan ng mga beki
> Ah ito talaga, ‘di pwedeng friends

Pagbatikos ni Manny sa mga bakla, oks sa CBCP
> The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Pacquiao: Hindi ako galit sa mga bading
> CBCP nawalan ng kakampi

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> Ayaw nila; takot sila kay Pacquiao

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> DepEd secretary pumalag

$12M ni Corona ‘di kasinungalingan – Ombudsman
> Baka “gawa ng demonyo?”

Kulang sa sukat, puwedeng mag-pulis
> Sukat ng t’yan?

Dahil sa titig, sekyu patay
> If looks could kill, it will

Turistang Intsik sa PH, pinauuwi na ng China
> ‘Yong mga drug traffickers na Intsik, isama n’yo na!

Claudine, handang bigyan ng ‘psychological treatment’ ng Gabriela
> Psychologically ill s’ya?

Ex-PGMA magpapasuri sa puso
> Nagli-leak ulit? Ooops, puso pala. Akala ko s*so. Mea culpa

Batas vs premature campaigning ikakasa
>Bong, Chiz, Cynthia Villar at Joel Villanueva ng Tesda, naalarma

Good News: Ate Shawie, ‘di na napipikong tawaging balyena
> Bad News: Mga balyena, napikon nang tawaging Shawie!

Helen Gamboa, takot sampalin si Susan (Roces)
> Si Sharon na lang daw, pwede?

Bong, pinayuhan si Alma sa pagpasok sa Senado
> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi, walang bait sa sarili

Lani Mercado, ‘di tatakbong senador
> Thank you!

Alma Moreno tatakbong senador
> No, thanks.

(Thanks to Remate, Abante Tonite, Abante, Hataw, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pinoy Parazzi)
———————————————-
“The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.”
~ Marla Maples

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“Final three na! Go Jessica Sanchez! Make our country proud! Meanwhile, if CJ Corona testifies truthfully, final episode na rin… :)”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Miro Quimbo
C: Cong. Erin Tañada
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer:
C: Cong. Erin Tañada via Twitter





FLIPTOP BATTLE: IMPEACHMENT TRIAL EDITION

15 02 2012

IN OBSERVANCE of Valentine’s Day and in deference to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile who marked his 88th birthday, Day 17 of the Corona Impeachment Trial was adjourned early. The live telecast of the trial was stopped. Unknown to the public though, some of the impeachment players opted to kill time in the session hall while waiting for their respective Valentine’s Day dinner. Some talked about the case. Others debated. The heated exchange led to a fliptop war between the two camps which got too personal. What transpired after the trial was caught on CCTV!

Match No. 1: Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas vs. Cong. Niel Tupas

Justice Cuevas:
Hindi ka naman shirt,’di ka naman pantalon
pero bakit tuwing trial, lagi kang nasasabon?
lahat ay kabado ‘pag tumatayo na si Tupas
‘di ka ba naiinsulto, mas impressed sila kay Fariñas!
Boom!

Cong. Niel Tupas
Mawalang-galang na ‘tanda, ‘di mo ba napansin
tanong ng senadora’y, nasasagot ko rin
good friends kami ni Rudy, ‘wag ka ngang makiangkas
masyado kang intrigero, pwede ka sa ‘The Buzz!’
Suuu-su-nod!

Justice Cuevas:
Ha-ha-ha
Bistado na brod ang inyong pagiging showbiz
ultimo “small lady” ginagawan n’yo ng tsismis
wasak na wasak ang istorya ni Rey Umali
‘di pwedeng isapelikula, iri-reject ni Mother Lily!
Boom!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Sus!
Hindi naman isyu ang babaeng maliit
ang dapat n’yong sagutin: ‘Did CJ Corona cheat?’
wasak na istorya?!? eh ‘yong kwento n’yo ‘bout bribery
kahit yata gawing indie, ‘di papatulan ni Brillante!

Match No. 2: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Cong. Niel Tupas

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
May duda akong ika’y lechon, mukha kang chicharon,
everytime I see you kasi, tumataas ang aking presyon
sumasabak kayo sa guerra, wala naman palang bala
pati fishing expedition sa Senado iniaasa!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Laging ako, ako na lang, ang iyong nakikita
senator-judge ho ba kayo o kasapi ng depensa?
wala namang personalan, wala tayo sa Iloilo
masyado na ho kayong obvious, naloloka ako sa ‘yo!

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago:
‘Wag ka ngang istupido! Hindi ako namemersonal
galit lang ako sa tanga, hindi ka pa ba sanay?
Maiba ako…
‘musta naman ang mansion mo do’n sa Xavierville?
sa’n nga pala galing ‘yon? Katas ng pork barrel?
Joooke!

Cong. Niel Tupas:
Not funny!
Below the belt na po kayo Madam Senadora
tutukan na lang natin ang kaso ni Corona
and please, tigilan na ang pick-up lines n’yong corny
setenta’y sais na po kayo, ‘di na bagay maging horny!
Boom!

Match No. 3: Atty. Miro Quimbo vs. Atty. Tranquil Salvador

Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Kung walang ‘tinatago, ba’t panay ang objection?
niloloko n’yo ang tao, ginagalit buong nation
ang latest: may suhol daw si PNoy sa Senado?
naubusan na kayo ng bala, halatang desperado!
Boom!

Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Ehem ehem ehem at sinong desperado?
Day 1 pa lang ng trial: evidence n’yo ay zero!
Ansabe ng prosekusyon? Sure sa conviction?
Bakit? Lahat ba ng senador ang last name ay ‘Drilon?’
Boom!

Atty. Miro Quimbo:
Ahh, shut the eff up. Ubod ka nang daldal bro!
pagsalitain mo naman si Karen Jimeno
manang-mana ka kasi sa papansin mong kliyente
may paiyak-iyak pa sa may balkonahe!

Atty. Tranquil Salvador:
Oo na! Ikaw na ang pogi at matinik
No wonder, love ka raw ng Globe Asiatique
Ooops! Sorry, did you find that offensive?
Btw, hello raw from the members of Pag-IBIG!
Boom!

Final Match: Prosecutor/Congressman Rey Umali vs. “Small Lady”

Cong. Rey Umali:
Sino bang lumapit? Bakit ako nasabit?
sa ‘kin hinahanap ang suspek na midget
‘di naman nagpakilala, kay bilis ng pangyayari
hindi ko siya masisi kung wala sa CCTV!

“Small Lady:”
Ulol!
Ako na nga ang ginamit, ako pa ngayon ang sinungaling?
bilib na ako sa ‘yong… “Maang-maangan School of Acting”
ang husay mo naman palang humabi ng istorya
bakit ‘di ka mag-submit ng entry sa Palanca?
Boom!

Cong. Rey Umali:
Tumahimik ka!
Ako ang may likha sa ‘yo
matuto kang gumalang
walang dapat makaalam,
na ika’y gawa-gawa lamang!

“Small Lady:”
Gawa-gawa na nga lang, minamaliit mo pa!
duda tuloy nila ako raw si Gloria
sana man lang, “pretty woman” o kaya “girl in magenta.”
palibhasa, sanay ka nang matawag na buwaya.

Cong. Rey Umali:
Ayoko na ng diskusyon
isa ka lang ilusyon!

“Small Lady:”
Ah gano’n?!
Pwes, maglabasan na tayo ng baho ngayon…
Mr. Presiding Officer… I have a manifestation.

Boom!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope.”
~John Buchan

Quote of the Day
“You are gathering evidence by requesting a subpoena from this honorable court. And I warn you that this is going to be fatal error on your part.”
~Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to the prosecution panel
Day 16, Corona Impeachment Trial

Enjoy the rest of the week.
A shout out to everyone at the UP Fair (Diliman & Manila) and the UPLB Feb Fair! Have fun!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PIRACY, PROSECUTION, PRESIDENCY

25 01 2012

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER on political affairs Ronald Llamas was photographed by a Philippine Daily Inquirer (Bandera) reporter buying pirated DVDs at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue, Quezon City Monday night. The vendor revealed that Llamas purchased almost P2000 worth of pirated DVDs… which was why Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwargenegger movies were nearly sold out.


To be fair, the guy (I think) is honest. When his security aides were caught with an AK-47 assault rifle in October 2011 following a road accident, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas admitted he had at least five firearms. Anytime now, Llamas will admit to owning at least five sacks of pirated DVDs.

This just in: The Optical Media Board headed by actor Ronnie Rickets will conduct a raid at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. They will follow that up with a raid at Secretary Llamas’ residence.

Informed of the Ronald Llamas incident, President Aquino said, “Pasensiya na kayo kung hindi yan ang number one sa priority ko.. In totally unrelated information, records reveal that in high school, Llamas was voted ‘Most likely to get away with everything.’

The Oscars
The nominations for the 84th Academy Awards have been announced. Nine films will vie for Best Picture Oscar. The list includes ‘The Descendants,’ ‘The Artist,’ ‘Hugo,’ ‘War Horse,’ ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,’ ‘Moneyball,’ ‘Midnight in Paris,’ ‘The Tree of Life,’ and ‘The Help.’ Unfortunately, I haven’t seen ANY of these films. My initial plan was to buy a copy… but then again, why spend if I could just borrow from Secretary Ronald Llamas?

Supporting Actor nominees include Kenneth Branagh for ‘My Week With Marilyn;’ Nick Nolte for ‘Warrior;’ Jonah Hill for ‘Moneyball;’ Christopher Plummer for ‘Beginners;’ and Max Von Sydow for ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.’ Perhaps the biggest snub was the omission of Frank Drilon for his supporting role in the prosecution panel.

Day 5: Impeachment Trial
On Tuesday, January 24, the prosecution panel failed to present a memorandum explaining its inclusion of the ill-gotten wealth issue in Article 2 of the eight Articles of Impeachment. Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile was compelled to adjourn the trial and no prosecution witness was presented. Evidently, the defense panel scored on that one. Or as Philippine media would say it, “Day 5 goes to the prosecution.”

After less than two hours, Day 5 of the impeachment trial was adjourned. Shortly after, the prosecution team’s spokespersons were presenting their evidence to the media.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr. asked Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to be “more liberal” in handling the trial. Enrile retorted, “How liberal?” Tupas was sooo tempted to say, “Hmm, with a capital L?”

Before he adjourned the trial, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Kung sakaling hindi n’yo matanggap ang aking pamamalakad sa paglilitis nitong kasong ito, ako po ay open. Ibibigay ko itong upuan sa sinumang gustong pumalit sa akin.” To which Sen. Franklin Drilon said, “Ehem.”


Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago, who attended the impeachment trial for the first time, scolded the “unprepared” prosecution panel… with the exception of its spokespersons who were always prepared for press cons.

Describing her first day as a member of the impeachment court, Senator Santiago said, “I’m suffering from terminal boredom.” To which Senator Lito Lapid said, “Ako rin.”

Senator-Actor
Despite the ongoing impeachment trial of Chief Justice Corona, Senator-judge Lito Lapid signed a deal with ABS-CBN. Just to clarify, it’s a deal for a soap opera; not a deal to convict Corona.

Overseas…
President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address (SOTU) Wednesday morning (Manila time). There was this awkward moment when the President vowed to implement reforms by filing cases against former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Fashion enthusiasts were all eyes on US First Lady Michelle Obama. She looked fab in a royal blue dress. In a press con after Obama’s SOTU, the First Lady denied rumors she bought the dress from SM.

President Kris
Kris Aquino will become the 17th president of the Republic of the Philippines according to Half-British and half-Indian psychic Robert Das. That prediction was half-bull, half-sh*t.
—————————————————————————————-
“The will to win is worthless if you do not have the will to prepare.”
~Thane Yost

Quotes of the Day
“Our request is for the Honorable Tribunal to be more liberal in the asking of questions by the prosecution.”
~Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas to Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

“Kung natatandaan n’yo, tinutulungan ko pa nga ang prosecution na mapalabas nila ang gusto nilang palabasin. Baka nga magduda ang depensa na kasama ako sa prosecution. Kung ayaw n’yo, ako ay magru-ruling lang at you can reverse me.”
~ Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag na tayong magpa-epal dito dahil nawawalan ng gana ang mga nanonood.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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FLIPTOP BATTLE EXTRA

29 09 2011

YOU ASKED FOR IT, you got it. Here is Part II of Fliptop and Politics, the fliptop rap battle between politicians, people in the news, and more!

A fliptopper isn’t supposed to be tamed. To humiliate opponents is his primary aim. Kaya walang mapipikon sa aking mga hirit. Hindi ko naman inasam na kayo ay magalit. ‘Meron tayong free will,’ sabi nga ni Ms. Zeny Seva. Kung ‘di mo trip ang post na ‘to, makakaalis ka na! Break it down.

Match No. 1: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Former President Fidel Ramos

President Ramos:
Hindi ako pumapatol lalo na sa babae
Ngunit may exception: kung mukha itong lalaki
Some things never change, ‘sintapang ka pa rin ng alamid
Nineteen years ka nang talunan, ‘di ka pa rin nagco-concede!?
Belat!

Utang na loob…
‘Wag mo ‘kong daanin sa pick up lines mong corny
Bumenta na’ng lahat ‘yan, panahon pa ni Cory
Sa halip na mag-joke, pa-check up ka ng kokote
Baka kailangan mong sumailalim sa lobotomy!

Senator Miriam:
You despicable prokaryote! ‘Wag ka ngang magmalinis!
Nanggigigil ako sa ‘yo, I’d like to crush you like an ipis
Centennial Expo, PEA Amari: scammer ka, ‘wag tumanggi
Sa husay mong magpaikot, nahuthutan si Gaddafi!

How dare you insult me, you paleolithic protozoa
You would’ve lost the elections kung ‘di lang minanipula
At kung mukha akong lalaki; ikaw naman mukhang hudas
Kaya wala kang nabola kundi si Baby Arenas!
Taksil!

Match No. 2: Bishop Teodoro Bacani and Cong. Edcel Lagman on RH Bill

Bishop Bacani:
Patawarin ka ng Diyos, kongresistang makasalanan
Pinaggagagawa mo’y sadyang ‘di mo nalalaman
Pildoras at condom, naku, tutol d’yan ang langit
Sa impyerno ang bagsak mo, kapag iyong ipinilit!

RH Bill, Divorce Bill, Same Sex Marriage bill ba ang kasunod?
Nawa’y muling magka-Great Flood upang kayo’y mangalunod
Kadiri! Nakakasuka! Dapat nga kayong iwasan!
Excommunication ang sagot, kampon ng kadiliman!

Congressman Lagman:
Ayaw kong mamersonal, pero ikaw ang nagsimula
Ikaw na nga ‘tong imoral, ‘sipag mo pang magngangawa
Rally vs. contraceptives, bakit saksakan kayo ng bilis,
Pero tikom naman ang bibig sa isyu ng pagbubuwis?

Ang linis mo, Bishop Ted, nakakahiya namang lumapit
Ang bango ng hininga mo; ang puti ng iyong singit
Pati yata Vaticano, nahihirapan kang i-handle
Kaya naman tolerated ang ‘yong hobby na mag-fondle!

Amen!

Match No. 3: Nora Aunor vs. Philippine Medical Association on Yes! Magazine Cover

Philippine Medical Association:
Masama kang ehemplo, hindi ka amusing
‘Sabagay even then adik ka na sa smoking!
Akala mo siguro cool na cool ang pagyoyosi
Panira ‘yan ng lovelife, ask mo pa si Presidente!

Lest you forget madam, hindi ka na beinte-uno
Almost 60 ka na lola at ‘sang dosena na ang apo!
Sigarilyo, alak at ang all-time favorite mong casino
No wonder, TV5 lamang ang sumusugal sa ‘yo!

Nora Aunor:
Hindi ko po intensyong makasakit ng damdamin
Lalo na sa mga grupong mahilig magpapansin
Pati ba naman yosi ko, pinag-iinitan
So anong susunod? ‘Yong aking katomboyan?!

“My brother is not a pig!”

And please lang, tigilan n’yo na ang pagiging ipokrito
Maraming doktor din ang addict sa sigarilyo
“Live and let live,” ang aking pakiusap
Peace PMA peeps! Tara, let’s drink to that!

“I did not kill anybody!”

Match No. 4: Congressional Spouse Jinkee Pacquiao vs. Intrigueros

Jinkee Pacquiao:
Kung wala kayong magawa sa buhay, tigilan n’yo na ang tsismis
Que loyal man o hindi si Manny sa ‘kin, it’s no longer your business!
In fact we’re going stronger, hinding-hindi mabubuwag
‘Pag ‘di n’yo ko tinantanan, sasampalin kita ng Hermes bag!

At sa malalanding babae d’yan, layuan n’yo ang asawa ko
Kung pera lang ang habol n’yo, tell me, right now, magkano?
Ito ang tandaan n’yo: nag-iisa lang akong reyna!
Kahawig ni Dyan Castillejo, Kristine Hermosa ang aura!
Mga bruha!

Intrigueros:
Fault ba namin kung mambabae ang Pambansang Kamao?
Kung ma-link sa mga Ara, mga Rufa Mae o Ranillo?
Excuse me, excuse us, siya ang gumagawa ng tsismis!
‘Di ba nga’t may new rumor, meron daw ngayong buntis?
Erase.
Erase.
Erase.

Oh, by the way, ‘pansin nga namin ang iyong bagong ganda
Tagumpay ang eksperimento! Halos ‘di ka na nga makilala
Dyan C? Kristine H? Just exactly what we thought
Ingat sa next surgery, baka magmukha kang Freddie Roach!

“Malaswaaaa! Pakialaman n’yo ang malaswa!”
—————————————————————————————————–
“We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.”
~Bertrand Russell

Pogi Points
> Department of Photoshopped Works and Highways? (DPWH)
ABS-CBNNews.com reported Thursday that DPWH allegedly uploaded a Photoshopped image to its Facebook page making it appear that three  DPWH officials were talking, “with the damaged Manila Bay seawall in the background.” Patawa! Sino ‘yong naka-red jacket, si David Blaine?

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KRISSY/MANNY

18 05 2011

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”


Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?


Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?


Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Nasa Bible ba ‘yan!

-End of Interview-
—————————————————–
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
Ipasa! 81.26%
– Ibasura! 10.3%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!





WAGI!

18 01 2011


THE SOCIAL NETWORK won Best Picture-Drama in the 68th Golden Globe Awards! David Fincher won Best Director for the said movie which also took home the Best Screenplay and Best Original Score trophies. To ‘The Social Network’ team, congratulations!

Aside from ‘The Social Network,’ another big winner over the weekend is the Noy-Bi/Samar team. Congratulations guys for winning the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections!

New Comelec Chief
President Aquino has appointed Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. as head the Commission on Elections. Observers say Brillantes’ appointment signals the launch of reforms in the poll body, and the launch of Senator Francis Escudero’s presidential bid.


Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. is the new chairman of the Comelec. The election lawyer’s appointment marked the start of a new beginning for the poll body and the end of Mar Roxas’ presidential re-run.

Lawyer Sixto Brillantes Jr’s swearing in took place over the weekend. And Mar Roxas hasn’t stopped swearing since.

Election lawyer Sixto Brillantes who is handling at least 25 election cases pending before the Comelec has been appointed chairman of the poll body. If you happen to be Attorney Sixto’s client: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Burger! Burger! Burger!”

Members of the Senate have different reactions to the appointment of lawyer Sixto Brillantes Jr. as Comelec chairman. Senator Juan Ponce Enrile said, “He is a mature lawyer who knows the ethics of his profession.” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “It might be the better part of discretion to decline the nomination.” Sen. Francis Pangilinan said, “He would be hard-pressed to show impartiality.” Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Taaama!”


Weird Weather
Have you been watching the news lately? In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, streets are submerged in waist-deep flood. In Queensland, Australia communities are still under water. In South Africa, disaster zones have been declared because of heavy rains. In the Philippines, government prosecutors are defending ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia. Strange weather indeed.

Magsaysay vs. Ocampo
PAL flight attendant Sarah Bonnin Ocampo has formally filed a complaint before the House of Representatives against Alliance of Volunteer Educators party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay. In her six-page complaint, the “menopausal bitch” accused Magsaysay of “serious misconduct, grave abuse of authority, solicitation of favor for personal gain using his public office, and conduct unbecoming of a high-ranking public official.” If proven guilty, Magsaysay would likely receive suspension and a year-long supply of mouthwash.

Here’s the latest twist. The Philippine Airlines management has apologized to AVE Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay and blamed Ocampo for what happened. As the Arabian Proverb says, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

The Golden Globe Awards: Inside Stories
There was a tense moment in Malacañang before the announcement of the winner for Best Picture. The Balay Group was rooting for ‘The Social Network’ while the Samar Group was hoping for a ‘Black Swan’ win.

After the awards night, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “Not true. There are no factions in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. They can all work together.”

The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association arrived in a limo. President Aquino, who was a special guest that night, arrived in a Porsche.

Winning Best Director in last night’s ceremonies was “The Social Network’s” David Fincher – NOT Wenn Deramas as earlier predicted.

When Natalie Portman was announced Best Actress, Jennylyn Mercado’s fans staged a walk out.

Not true: The cast and crew of “Rosario” attended the Golden Globe Awards hoping that the film would win “Best Float.” #waley!

Miriam & the Porsche
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says since President Aquino “lives a lonely life,” he can “channel his sexual energies in the company of a sexy car.” In another news dismissed by the senator as “totally unrelated” and “I am completely unaware of,” former DILG Undersecretary Narciso Santiago has bought a new car.
——————————-
Survey Says
Sa isyu ng bagong sports car ng presidente, your take:
– Naghihirap na nga ang maraming Pilipino, pasikat ka naman! 36.92%
– Isyu? Anong isyu ‘don? Pera niya ‘yon. Give him a break! 41.73%
– Ke isyu o hindi, wala akong mapapala d’yan. Deadma! 21.35%

Personal

I tried to keep it a secret to no avail. Yup, I turned a year cuter last January 16. To everyone who sent their greetings via SMS, Twitter, Facebook, and this blog, thank you so much! Sa mga pikon, ‘sensya na. Matagal-tagal pa tayong magsasama dahil I’ve never been this healthier and more inspired. Happiness!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter by clicking these icons: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
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Stay safe. Quit smoking. Don’t drink. Smile. Spread love. #teamlakers #beatheheat





SCANDALICIOUS

15 11 2008

Postscript to the Senate Probe
Senators found it particularly unbelievable and incredible that Jocjoc Bolante alone (as he claimed) could have caused the release of P728 million. The Senate has ordered a thorough review of Bolante’s appointment papers. They wanted to make sure he was appointed “undersecretary” and not “president.”

Journalists observed how cool Jocjoc Bolante was when he appeared before the Senate. Still, he was no match for Jinggoy Estrada who was in his usual “saksakan ng hangin” element during the hearing.

Guess who came at the Bolante hearing? Jun Lozada. Yup, the favorite witness of the La Salle community was even caught by tv cameras smiling. You know why? Because three more months with the La Salle Brothers, and he’ll be allowed to officiate his first mass.

Top 5 Reasons Why It Took Some Time Before Retired PNP Director for Comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz Could Surrender to the Senate

5: His wife has just finished hiding vital pieces of evidence: the Louis Vuittons, Pradas, Dolce & Gabbanas, and Manolo Blahniks she purchased during the Moscow shopping spree.

4: He waited for another scandal to break open so the public would forget about the “Euro generals.” Unfortunately though, the only controversy that broke out after the “Moscow mess” was the dismissal of Cristy Fermin from “The Buzz.”

3: It took weeks before his superiors at the PNP & the DILG could decide whether to use the term “cash advance,” “contingency fund” or “intelligence fund” during the next hearing. Finally, they settled for… “bahala ka na.”

2. For weeks, he “wished” he had chest pains, esophagitis, gastritis, ulcers, and even a sleeping disorder but doctors at the St. Luke’s Medical Center repeatedly said, “No sir, you’re totally healthy. We cannot admit you.”

And the No. 1 reason why it took some time before retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz could surrender to the Senate…

1: He had to wait for the Senate hearing on Jocjoc Bolante to conclude. And after watching the proceedings, he realized, “If Jocjoc survived Jinggoy, I will survive Miriam.”

________
And nobody lies as much as the indignant do.
–Friedrich Nietzsche





OH BAMA!

5 11 2008


The US Elections
Even before the final ballot could be counted, US presidential candidate John McCain has conceded the 2008 presidential election to Democratic rival Barack Obama. That was a quick one. To give you an idea how quick it was, John McCain accepted defeat in less than 48 hours… Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has yet to concede to Fidel Ramos after 16 years.

The US Elections II
Less than 48 hours after voting began, a new American president was declared. That was fast! To give you an idea how fast it was, John McCain has conceded the presidential race even before Jose De Venecia could sign the copy of the impeachment complaint handed to him three weeks ago.


CNN’s Historic Coverage
For the first time in television broadcast history, CNN aired a live report beamed through holographic technology. Reporter Jessica Yellin who was in Chicago was projected as a three-dimensional hologram and talked to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer as if she was in the network’s Manhattan studio. ABS-CBN News is reportedly using a similar technology – not to cover the news, but to prevent physical altercations between Maria Ressa and Luchi Cruz-Valdez during their staff meeting.


CNN’s Historic Coverage II
CNN reporter Jessica Yellin said she was surrounded by 44 cameras and 20 computers as CNN beamed her live report through holographic technology. GMA 7 is reportedly looking forward to duplicating CNN’s unprecedented feat but is nonetheless worried they might use twice the number of cameras in order to beam Jessica Soho live!

Briefly Noted: Sic
Deputy presidential spokesperson Lorelei Fajardo said, “We wish to express our profound congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama for his historical and stellar win as the 44th president of the US.” I hope you are reading this Ms. Fajardo. “Historic” po dapat ‘yon, hindi “historical.”

________
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown.
— William Penn








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