“I AM BACK!”

9 08 2011

I AM SHARING with you now the final batch of inquiries I got through email. If you’ve got questions yourselves, do not hesitate to ask by following me @HecklerForever on Twitter. I will try to answer your questions as promptly as possible. Thank you.

Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
I am back! You should be ashamed of yourself for peddling lies to the public while I was away, knowing fully well that I could not confront your lies in my absence.
Naghihimutok,
FG

Dear FG,
Bakit ako? ‘Di ba? Kasi tingnan mo o, who will tell me? Who will tell me? Really! Did you guys even tell me about those choppers? Wala eh. Nobody even bothered. Nobody informed. It’s as if you’re waiting for me to just do that: lambast you while you’re away. Dapat i-inform, iinform. I should have been informed. ‘Yon lang ‘yon.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapag hindi ako dumalo sa hearing, sasabihin nila, meron akong itinatago. Kapag umattend naman ako, baka atakihin ako sa puso. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Problemado,
FG

Dear FG,
Ang sipag mong sumulat ah. Wala kang ginagawa ‘no? Anyway, I’m sure, kahit dumalo ka pa sa hearing, meron ka pa ring itatago. You’ll freakin’ invoke your freakin right against freakin self-incrimination. What’s the freakin’ difference? ‘Wag ka na lang dumalo. Kailangan ka namin nang buhay.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino ba talaga ang may-ari sa akin? ‘Yong Archibald Po o si FG?
Kainis,
Controversial Helicopters

Dear Controversial Helicopters,
Para sa ‘yong impormasyon, ang owner mo ngayon, ‘yong PNP. Sino ang may-ari sa ‘yo? Mali ka! Ang dapat na tanong: sino’ng kumita?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dapat ko bang ipa-feng shui ang Room 512 na dating kuwarto ni Migz sa Senado? You know, for good luck.
Padayon,
Koko

Dear Koko,
Ipina-feng shui na rin ‘yan ni Migz noon. Apparently, four years lang ang bisa ng suwerte. Hindi naman kasi hawak ng feng shui ang iyong kapalaran. Hawak ito ng election operators and canvassers. Sila ang dapat mong ipa-feng shui.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
After ng bakasyon namin ni Audrey, wala na akong gagawin. That’s what I fear most – boredom. Help!
Worried,
Migz

Dear Migz,
Since very close ka naman sa Team Azkals, why not try out for the team? Mestizo ka rin naman. Ayaw mo ba no’n? From Senate to soccer. Astig pare!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?
Answer me!
Senator Alan Peter

Dear Senator Alan Peter,
Talagang pinatugtog mo si Diana Ross sa Senate floor? Gano’ng level na ba ang mga mambabatas ngayon? I cannot imagine Senator Jovito Salonga trying to pull off the same stunt. Ang cheap huh!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I never thought that a person of my stature would someday commit a stupid mistake and apologize to Mike Arroyo. Ano ang dapat kong gawin sa subordinate na nag-feed sa akin ng wrong Immigration info: suspindehin o sibakin?
Napahiya,
Madam Leila

Dear Madam Leila,
Itinatanong po ninyo kung dapat suspindehin o sibakin? Neither! Turuan n’yo na lang po ng tamang spelling. Ang tanga-tanga lang nila, sa totoo lang. Embarrassing!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na ‘to kinakaya. Kinasuhan na ako ng electioneering. My God! What is happening?!
Ayoko na!
Manoling

Dear Manoling,
‘k.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nang lumabas ang aking interview sa “Showbiz Central” ng GMA7 last month, grabe ring insulto ang inabot ko online. Nilait-lait ako sa mga social networking sites. Nag-trend din ako sa Twitter worldwide at nasaktan rin ang aking pamilya. Pero bakit ni isa sa inyo, walang pumiyok at nagsabing may nagaganap na cyber-bullying? Bakit walang nag-raise ng isyu ng social media excess? Bakit?
Naiiyak,
Amanda C

Dear Amanda C,
Summa cum laude ka ba? UP Law ka ba? Dati ka bang opisyal ng University Student Council sa State University? Nagre-review ka ba ngayon for the bar exams? Lumusong ka ba sa baha at lumutang ang kotse habang eksklusibong kinukunan ng isang TV reporter? Kung hindi, ‘wag ka nang magtaka. Life’s unfair. I’m sure, familiar ka rin naman sa terminong ‘double standard,’ right?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino na po ang dini-date ngayon ng ating Pangulo? May update ba kayo sa kanyang lovelife?
Intrigera lang,
Tarcila

Dear Tarcila,
Kasi naman, pinansin pa ng media. Ayan tuloy, hindi na niya binabanggit ang lovelife niya sa kanyang speeches. Mag-aminan na tayo! Nami-miss mo ang tsismis ‘no?
Heckler
P.S. May alam ka ba? Itext mo naman.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Wala kaming incentives na makukuha sa government dahil ayon sa Philippine Sports Commission (PSC) hindi raw kami national athletes. Anong masasabi mo?
Champs,
Philippine Dragon Boat Team

Dear Philippine Dragon Boat Team,
Hindi man kayo national athletes, national pride naman kayo! Sabihin n’yo sa mga opisyal ng PSC, “isaksak n’yo sa baga n’yo ang incentives n’yo!”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kamakalawa po ay nagkaroon ng hearing sa Senado tungkol sa illegal trade ng mga tukô. Nagulat po ako nang makita ko sa TV na may mga buháy na tukông dinala sa Senado. Ano po ang unang reaksyon ng mga senador nang makita ang mga ‘yon?
Wala lang,
Aling Budang

Dear Aling Budang,
Isa lang ang naging reaksyon ng mga senador nang makita ang mga tukô. Sabi nila: “Welcome to the Senate ‘kapamilya!’”
Heckler


Dear Professional Heckler,
Your pathetic UP bias aside, do you think we could sweep the second round of the UAAP cage wars for a 14-0 win-loss slate?
One Big Fight,
Kiefer & Slaughter

Dear Kiefer & Slaughter,
Whatever!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Patahimikin n’yo na ako! Please lang. Ilibing n’yo na ako!
Nagmamakaawa,
Ferdie Macoy

Dear Ferdie Macoy,
Fault ko? Fault kong nasa freezer pa rin ang katawang lupa mo??? Sorry ka na lang dahil choosy ang pamilya mo!
Heckler
—————————————————————————————
“Falling ill is not something that happens to us, it is a choice we make as a result of things happening to us.”
~Jonathan Miller

Personal
Thank you so much for the nomination. The Professional Heckler is one of the finalists in the Globe T@tt Awards: WordSlayer category. You may visit the official site to vote for your favorites. Bahala na kayo. Malalaki na kayo. Sabi nga ni Zenaida Seva, meron kayong free will, gamitin n’yo ito. Mabuhay!

You Have Spoken
Umabuso raw ang users ng social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc) sa pag-handle sa insidenteng kinasangkutan ni Christopher Lao. Your take:
-Excuse me. We’re just expressing our views, our thoughts on what happened. 50.45%
-Agree ako. Dapat isipin muna kung ano ang ating isusulat o ipopost. Baka nakakasakit na tayo. 30%
-Sino si Christopher Lao? 19.55%

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Have fun!





LAPSES

14 07 2011

DID YOU MONITOR the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee’s hearing on the PCSO fund mess Wednesday? The hearing was attended by several bishops plus, of course, their savior, the senators.


At least eight bishops and a dozen senators converged Wednesday in the Senate. It was a face-off between pretentious, holier-than-thou, self-proclaimed devout Catholics, and bishops.

PCSO chair Margie Juico apologized for saying that the bishops received “Pajeros.” Sen. Jinggoy Estrada lectured Juico, and said “As a devout Catholic, it pains me to hear that our bishops are involved in anomalies here in our country.” To which, the bishops replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgment” when he asked for “a brand new car.” And in a move that shocked both the bishops and senators, Virgilio Garcillano issued a statement saying he never gave Pueblos a car.

Reading from a prepared opening statement, controversial Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgement” in asking for “a brand new car” from former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. As soon as he was done reading, the other bishops held hands and started singing, “If We Hold on Together.”

Actress Susan Roces who was watching Bishop Pueblos on TV was like, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw! You wrote that letter not once, but twice!”

Zaldy
Former governor Zaldy Ampatuan revealed that ex-president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was involved in the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Likewise, he  revealed that Jose Rizal was killed by the Spanish; the Earth revolves around the sun, and John Lennon was shot by Mark David Chapman.

Apparently, Zaldy Ampatuan wants to turn state witness. Against Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Zaldy Ampatuan has initiated court proceedings to change his last name. He is seeking a little compassion and empathy from the public. Hopefully, the judge would grant his petition to use the surname Mangudadatu.

Lintang Bedol
Former Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has surfaced and accused the Arroyos of masterminding the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Oh, I thought Lintang Bedol was dead. Well, now he is.

Lintang Bedol has exposed the alleged massive poll fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Following his revelation, Bedol expressed fear for his life while Miguel Zubiri expressed fear for his post.

With his revelations against the Arroyos and other officials of the previous administration, Lintang Bedol has expressed fear for his life. He now considers changing his name.

De Lima’s Lovelife
Interviewed on ANC’s Strictly Politics, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, whose marriage was annulled in 2001, admitted that she has a boyfriend. The 51-year-old single mom refuses to identify the guy nor his background but reveals she has six (new) witnesses to prove her claim.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has a lovelife. Take that Mr. President!

Absent!
Among congressmen with the most number of absences in sessions, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao placed fourth. In other words, he’s not present when solons deliberate on important issues. How are they able to tell?

Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo topped the list of absentees in the House of Representatives. In May 2011 alone, Mikey failed to attend a single session of the chamber. In totally unrelated news, Rufa Mae Quinto topped the list of absentees among “Showbiz Central” hosts for the month of May.
——————————————————————————————-
“Men of ill judgment ignore the good that lies within their hands, ‘til they have lost it.”
~Sophocles

Quote of the Week
“Manny’s a good friend, I actually love him. I love his tenacity, I love his competitiveness. So, Manny’s my guy.”
~NBA superstar Kobe Bryant on Manny Pacquiao

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ipagbawal ang billboard ng mga naka-underwear na modelo/celebrities??
-Dapat lang. Offensive! 35.36%
-Hayaan na lang! Karapatan nila ‘yan. 26.15%
-Big deal? Ke meron o wala, wala akong pakialam sa mga ‘yan. 38.49%

Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!
It was an awesome experience – as always. Kobe’s fourth visit to Manila was the most attended. Araneta Coliseum was filled to the rafters. Laker and non-Laker fans trooped to the Big Dome Wednesday to see the Black Mamba.

Thank you again TJ Manotoc for the tickets. I was seated beside two Azkals, Jason Sabio and Simon Greatwich, whom I wrongly identified in my tweet as Rob Gier. Apologies.

Thank you Kobe for the visit. Lakers4ever.

Personal
I have a Twitter follower whose father, Mr. Lory Ordenes is a regular reader of this blog. Magandang araw po sa mga taga-Sablayan, Occidental Mindoro and thanks for reading sir!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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MISSING LINK

31 03 2011

IN MEMORIAM

MARCH 30, 2011 was a sad day for Filipinos here and around the globe. Three OFWs were executed in China. Yesterday, as the nation mourned for Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain, Filipinos asked, “Why did this happen?” “How do we prevent a similar thing from happening again?” And… “Where in hell is the President?”

Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain have been executed in China. As some of their relatives wept searching for justice, the rest of us wondered, searching for the President.

Asked about President Aquino’s reaction when he learned about the executions, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “He was silent.” Like, duhhhh! Tell us something we didn’t know.

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino learned about the executions, he went to the Malacañang chapel and prayed. That’s the exact reaction I was expecting from the president… of the CBCP.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has failed to save the lives of the three OFWs. If it’s any consolation, he saved the day for the President.

While in Qatar, Vice President Jejomar Binay spoke on radio and television saying, “Until the last moment, we did everything we could to save the three.” Meanwhile, in Malacañang, until the last moment, the President was in silence, praying hard.

In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, President Aquino said the execution of the three OFWs should not affect the “historic friendship” of the country with the Chinese people. The same way that China’s “historic friendship” with the Filipino people was not affected by the “execution” of eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals in Luneta last year.

Nope! There’s no truth to rumors that while the executions of the three OFWs were taking place, President Aquino was monitoring the news at Emerald Restaurant.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. said airport authorities should be stricter in screening people to stop drug trafficking. Congress first.

In other news…
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has dared Sen. Panfilo Lacson to reveal the names of his coddlers. But Lacson declined, and offered to reveal instead the secret ingredient of his mouth-watering adobo.

Marcos’ Burial
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 50 percent of Filipinos favored the burial of former President Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. You know what that means? Fifty percent of Filipinos have amnesia.

Chiz and Cristine
Rumors have it that Sen. Francis Escudero and wife Christine have separated. Sought for comment, Escudero said, “Ang asawa ko ay ang Pilipinas.”


A Philippine Entertainment Portal article claims Senator Chiz Escudero’s wife Christine was spotted at Trinoma Mall in Quezon City with dancer Jason Zamora of the Manoeuvres. Escudero has kept mum on the issue and refuses to answer the question, “Ang asawa mo ba, may B (boylet)?”


March 31st
On this day in…

1521: The first mass is celebrated at Limasawa Island in the Philippines by Father Pedro de Valderrama. But the mass was briefly interrupted when Carlos Celdran stormed the altar and held a sign that read, “Mabuhay si Lapu-Lapu!”

1596: Philosopher Rene Descartes was born. That’s what he thought, therefore he was.

1917: The United States purchases, and takes possession of the Virgin Islands. And the virginity was lost forever.

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island… in an attempt to unmask the identity of Santa Claus.

1945: Sicherheitsdienst, the intelligence agency of Nazi Germany’s Nazi Party murders 10 political prisoners in Zutphen, Netherlands. The victims were killed when they failed to pronounce Sicherheitsdienst correctly.

1949: Newfoundland becomes Canada’s 10th province. Who cares?!
————————————–
“The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

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Let’s celebrate life. Enjoy the rest of the week. Take care ‘coz PH cares.





JACKPOT

1 12 2010


Lone Winner
According to the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, a lone bettor has won the P741-M jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto draw Monday night. The winning bet was placed at a lotto outlet inside the Subic Bay Free Port Zone… fueling speculations that Mike Arroyo has relocated to Olongapo City.

A couple of weeks back, while a lot of people prayed to God to win the lottery, Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz declared on radio and TV, “Ipagdarasal ko sa Panginoon na sana ay walang tumama sa Grand Lotto.” Well, guess who got snubbed.

Rizal & Lottery The PCSO says our national hero, Jose Rizal actually won the loteria (Spanish word for lottery) in 1892 while he was on exile in Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte. Rizal religiously placed bets on the loteria… despite threats from Spanish friars they would pray hard so he wouldn’t win the jackpot.

According to the PCSO, Jose Rizal won P6,200 in a lotto draw in 1892. News of his win spread like wildfire on Facebook, and Rizal’s name became the top trending topic on Twitter.

Top 5 “Dear Lotto Winner’ Statements

No. 5: Dear Lotto Winner: Ang swerte mo! Syet ka!

No. 4: Dear Lotto Winner: Sabi ni Archbishop Oscar Cruz, makabubuti raw na dalhin mo na ang buong pamilya mo abroad. You’ll end up a loser din daw dahil magkakaroon ka ng iba’t ibang problema. Gusto kong malaman ang opinyon mo: bakit kaya sobrang bitter ng paring ito?

No. 3: Dear Lotto Winner: Kung ikaw si Liz Uy, sasagutin mo ba ang presidente? Kung oo, are you nuts? Wala lang.

No. 2: Dear Lotto Winner: Taga-Pampanga ka ‘no!? Aminiiiiiin!

And the No. 1 “Dear Lotto Winner’ statement…

Dear Lotto Winner:
Sana totoo ka.
Sana hindi kami binobola ng PCSO.

This just in! There’s no truth to rumors that the PCSO has released – for the first time in lotto’s history – the photo of the jackpot prize winner. Right click here for the alleged picture of the winner. Again, not true.

Finding Lacson
The Philippine National Police has proposed a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. To lure informants, a million peso will be added to the total reward money every week.

The PNP wants to put up a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. However, Lacson’s spiritual adviser Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz is praying that no one gets the reward.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, 69 percent of Filipinos support the Reproductive Health bill. Catholic bishops described the figure as scandalous.

The latest survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos support the RH bill. The other three were afraid of excommunication.

In the October 20 to 29 Pulse Asia survey, 69 percent of Filipinos expressed support for the Reproductive Health bill while only 7 percent went against it. Catholic Bishops were enraged when they learned that the remaining 24 percent went for Vetellano Acosta.

Results of the latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 69 percent of Filipinos were in favor of the RH bill while a mere 7 percent went against it. The remaining 24 percent, according to Catholic bishops – were in purgatory.

SWS Survey
In the September 24 to 27 survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima got a satisfaction rating of 54 percent. The other 30 percent didn’t give her a rating, while 16 percent were dissatisfied – all of them, APO members.


You know who else feels like a lotto winner these days?
Gerardo Biong, the Parañaque cop convicted in the grisly Vizconde massacre in 1991 was released from prison Tuesday. Before he left his cell, Biong burnt some blankets, bed sheets, clothes, and other pieces of evidence of his incarceration.

De Lima vs. De La Fuente
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has ordered the indictment of bus operator Claire De La Fuente for failing to remit to the Bureau of Internal Revenue some P148 million in taxes from 1997 to 2004. De La Fuente denied she defrauded the government, and said, “Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang mga years na ‘di kami nakabayad. Pero, hindi sinadya ‘yon.”

ECE Board Exam
At least 15 Electronics and Communications Engineering graduates in the Visayas and Mindanao claimed there had been a leak in the recent board exam in Cebu. The Professional Regulation Commission vowed to investigate the matter even as the Presidential Communications Group denied it was the source of the leak. ———————————
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
- Woody Allen

Survey Says
Dapat bang limitahan sa PhP500-M ang jackpot sa lotto?
- OO! 19.83%
- HINDI! Hayaang lumaki! 62.47%
- Wala akong pakialam. ‘Di ako tumataya sa lotto 17.7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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