SO LONG, LOLONG

11 02 2013

THE WORLD’S LARGEST crocodile in captivity is dead. Our deepest condolences to Congress.


Crocodile Lolong is dead. Interment to be announced soon. But unconfirmed reports say Lolong’s body will be brought to the Bureau of Customs for a two-day wake.

There’s no news yet on the cause of Lolong’s death but some sources say the crocodile got depressed when he was not drafted for senator.

Lolong is gone. Experts have yet to determine the cause of his death but Malacañang is already blaming the previous administration.

February 12 is the official start of the campaign period for national candidates. Lolong’s legacy will probably live on.

Lolong was the largest crocodile in captivity. The largest crocodile in public office is still being contested.

That awkward moment when corrupt politicians read something like, “Bakit si Lolong pa?!?” on Twitter. Makaramdam na kayo. Please.

Still confirming sketchy reports that Lolong’s final words were: “I am sorry.”

So long Lolong!

lolong_dead
BREAKING: Philippine Congress has filed a joint resolution on the death of Lolong. Here’s an exclusive copy.

Republic of the Philippines
Philippine Congress
Joint Resolution No. 9765

Filed on February 11, 2013

RESOLUTION
EXPRESSING THE PROFOUND GRIEF AND SORROW OF PHILIPPINE CONGRESS ON THE DEATH OF CROCODILE LOLONG

WHEREAS, Crocodile Lolong peacefully joined his creator yesterday, February 10, 2013 at 8:05PM of undetermined cause in Bunawan, Agusan Del Sur;

WHEREAS, Lolong shot to prominence after Guinness World Records representatives and international crocodile experts confirmed it to be the world’s largest in captivity;

WHEREAS, Lolong touched the lives not only of Bunawan residents but of Filipinos here and around the globe for setting a world record;

WHEREAS, Lolong and his family are an ‘inspiration’ to many of us here in Congress and the government;

WHEREAS, Lolong ‘represents’ many, if not all of us here in Congress, thus he will be missed, and will always be remembered.

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED BY PHILIPPINE CONGRESS to express its profound grief and sorrow on the demise of one of our own… Crocodile Lolong.

RESOLVED, FURTHER, that a copy of this resolution be furnished to the Bunawan (Agusan Del Sur) Municipal Council.

Adopted.

—–X X X X X X X———
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”
~Steve Irwin

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE END

23 05 2011


TODAY IS MONDAY, May 23, 2011, the second day of a new world. Congratulations! You survived the rapture last Saturday.

Here’s the end of the world news as “would have been” reported by journalists, news organizations, and some government offices in the Philippines:

ABS-CBN: “Exclusive! Ang paghahanda ng Panginoon sa pagwasak niya sa daigdig!” “

GMA 7: “Kumpirmado! Si Lord walang puprotektahan! Gunaw na totoo lang… nakaamba!”

TV5: “MVP buys into new planet; Metro Pacific now owns 70 percent of Mars”

NBN 4: “And the final number is… 42. Number 42. Kung anim na digits ang nakuha n’yo, you have won the last Mega Lotto jackpot!”

Philippine Daily Inquirer: “It’s all over: Filipinos flee”

Philippine Star: “Truth shall prevail: world about to end!”

Manila Bulletin: “God vows to create a new world”

Manila Standard Today: “Noynoy fails to stop rapture”

Business World: “Philippine stocks rally on last trading day”

Abante/Abante Tonite: “PNoy sinisi si GMA sa napipintong gunaw”

Kerygma: “God STILL loves you”

FHM: “101 Most Beautiful Women on Earth: The Last Temptation of Christ”

Philippine Entertainment Portal (PEP.Ph): “First read on PEP: Ang bonggang paghahanda ng mga artista sa nalalapit na katapusan ng daigdig”

DZRH: “Gunaw: Kauna-unahan sa Pilipinas!”

DZBB: “Super Gunaw!”

NDRRMC: “Bilyun-bilyong halaga ng pananim at impastraktura, inaaasahang mapipinsala”

PAGASA: “Gunaw posibleng magbago ng target”

Noli De Castro: “Hanggang dito na lamang… bayan!”

Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Tuloy na raw ang gunaw! Pambihira ano po!?”

Tulfo Brothers: “’Tang-i*a! Gunaw na mga kapatid!”

Alvin Elchico: “Isang araw bago ang gunaw: Mga higanteng kompanya ng langis, magpapatupad ng uno singkwentang rollback sa presyo ng gasolina”

Lhar Santiago: “Updated sa Rapture happenings!”

Malacañang: “President Aquino orders Vice President Binay to oversee search and retrieval operations”

Office of the Vice President: “Binay to personally rescue rapture survivors in New Zealand, Kiribati, and Australia”

Ateneo De Manila Community: “One big fright!”

CBCP News: “Mga bakla, imoral, at katig sa RH Bill, unang lilipulin”

Solar Sports: “Game Over!”
—————————————————————————————–
“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”
~Richard Bach

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

> Living out inmate
– VIP o Very Important Prisoner
– Mapeperang bilanggo na malayang nakakapamasyal sa Makati, Binondo, Tagaytay and wherever na hindi sinisita ng mga opisyal ng kulungan

> Contraception
– A portmanteau of ‘contradict’ and ‘deception.’ Dahil kontra sila, idinadaan sa deception.
Halimbawa ng sitwasyong ginagamitan ng ‘contraception:
Parishioner: Bishop, masama po ba ang paggamit ng condom?
Obispo: Tama ka d’yan iho! Dahil kapag pinigilan mo ang pagtatagpo ng sihay-punlay ng lalaki at ng itlog ng babae, nilalabag mo ang kautusan ng Diyos na humayo kayo at magpakarami. At dahil hindi mo sinunod ang utos ng Panginoon, tiyak na mapupunta ka sa impiyerno at magdurusa ang iyong kaluluwa sa dagat-dagatang apoy forever and ever. Walang amen!

Have a safe and fun week ahead!

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On Twitter, i am known as @HecklerForever .








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