READY TO RUMBLE

15 01 2012


THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins Monday, January 16. It’s make or break for President Aquino.

The House prosecution panel defied a Senate gag order by showing the media pieces of evidence against the Chief Justice before the trial proper. The panel headed by Niel Tupas insists it’s simply a question of right and wrong. They’re right, Corona’s wrong.

The House prosecution panel has 11 solon members plus 59 private lawyers. And I heard they’ll occupy the biggest room in the Senate building. The room will be marked, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes working for you.”

Impeachment prosecutors claim Chief Justice Renato Corona owns at least 45 condominium units and houses. But that’s nothing compared to President Aquino who owns the entire House of Representatives.

A member of the House prosecution panel wants Chief Justice Renato Corona to explain how he was able to acquire that huge number of properties. To be fair, congressmen would have ‘understood’ Corona if he had pork barrel.

Retired Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz visited the Chief Justice to give his support and “blessing.” The outspoken prelate believes the impeachment trial is a “political gimmick” with “no merit at all.” To which God said, “Labas ako d’yan huh!”

In a tweet, senator-judge Pia Cayetano, known for being a health buff says she’s “training” both her body and mind for long hours in preparation for the impeachment trial. Not to be outdone, Sen. Lito Lapid is reportedly preparing for the trial too – by getting more sleep.

Arroyo vs. Aquino
Apparently, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was able to write an ‘economic’ paper castigating the Aquino administration for ‘squandering’ the gains of previous governments, including hers. The paper’s working title was “Burnt Legacy.”

In a paper titled, “It’s the economy, student,” CGMA lambasted President Aquino for espousing the kind of politics that creates division rather than unity. And the President was like, “Hellooooo! Suarez and Lagman!”

Mrs. Arroyo also took a swipe at President Aquino’s alleged laid back work style saying, “There is no room for coming to work late and leaving early.” The President retorted, “Excuse me! That was soooo last year!”

In the same paper, Mrs. Arroyo trumpeted that “nearly nine out of 10 Filipinos had access to health insurance.” Tell that to Accenture employees!

A New Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

According to Manny Pacquiao, he encountered God in a dream. He said he was in a forest when suddenly he heard a voice asking, “Why are you going away from me?” Either it was God or his son by ex-girlfriend Joanna Bacosa.

Ronald’s Back
More than a year after he was arrested in Hong Kong for illegal drug possession, former Ilocos Sur Representative Ronald Singson is a free man. When he arrived Saturday in Vigan, he was in high spirits.

Ronald Singson has completed serving time in prison. That’s the difference between him and Sen. Lito Lapid. Lapid cannot even finish a sentence.

Sociable
The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey showed that the Philippines was the world’s second best place for expats to ‘socialize’ and ‘make friends.’ Curiously, in first place was “on Makati Avenue or Burgos Street.”

Drug Den
In the last 14 days, a total of three shabu laboratories were discovered and raided in the upscale Ayala Alabang subdivision in Muntinlupa City. Before the first raid though, there was this tense moment as Ayala Alabang officials demanded a prescription from the raiding team.
———————————————————————————————
“Make Crime pay. Become a lawyer.”
~Will Rogers

Quotes of the Day
“Neither the President nor anyone else can truly expect to govern the next five years with nothing but a sorry mix of vilification, periodically recycled promises of action followed by lethargy, backed up by few if any results, and presumptuously encouraging gossip about one’s love life in which no one can possibly be interested. Given the electoral mandate that he enjoyed in 2010— the same size as mine in 2004, as predicted by every survey organization at that time—our people deserve more, and better, from him.”
~Former President Arroyo, “It’s the economy, student.”

“It’s a political manifesto masquerading as an economic paper presented in a press briefing disguised as a colloquium!”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda’s reaction to Mrs. Arroyo’s paper via his Twitter account @dawende

“Kaya kong ipagmalaki ‘yong asawa ko. Sa ginawa kong kalokohan bago ako nagbago, bilib ako sa asawa ko.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HOLY SMOKE!

29 05 2011

No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly


Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!


ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
—————————————————————————————-
“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
– Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
- Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a safe and fun week ahead!





NOYNOY vs. BONGBONG

1 03 2011


President Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Bongbong Marcos exchanged potshots last week.

According to Sen. Bongbong Marcos, the Philippines could have been a rich state like Singapore if his father had not been ousted 25 years ago. In another news, a drug test among senators has been proposed.

This just in: There had been an intense and personal exchange of text messages between President Aquino and Senator Bongbong Marcos over the weekend. A reliable source who requested anonymity intercepted the following messages.

BONGBONG: can we tok?
NOYNOY: hu u?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! u deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino k b?
BONGBONG: gago! senator bongbong here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! y wud i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagre-rebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joooke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagde-decide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?
Silence.
(Note: Bongbong Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)


The Oscars
The telecast of the 83rd Academy Awards took more than three long hours to finish. Observers say the presentation was slow, or as OFWs in Libya would call it, DFA.

Singson Quits
Reports say jailed lawmaker Ronald Singson has resigned his post as Ilocos Sur representative. Quitting his post was the second most difficult decision he has made in years… next only to quitting drugs.


Killed by the Press
Last Sunday, the Philippine Star’s sister tabloid, Pilipino Star Ngayon headlined the “death” of veteran actor Paquito Diaz. But the actor’s family was quick to clarify that he was still very much alive. Embarrassed and shocked by its own blunder, the tabloid edited the story’s online edition, and wrote: “Paquito Diaz, pumanaw na! (Joooke!)”

Pilipino Star Ngayon or PSN has yet to identify the person who wrote the erroneous story on Paquito Diaz. And journalist Arlyn De La Cruz was like, “Don’t look at me!”
—————-
“The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse.”
~Author Unknown

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao, hayop o bagay na nasa larawan?
A: “Tweet! Tweet! Dadapo na ako sa pugad ko! Ayun o! Tweet! Tweet! Meron akong malaking itlog sa pugad!”
B: “Teka lang! Huwag mo akong pahiyain, may nakatutok na mga camera! Hindi ako ang istatwa! Ayun si Cardinal Sin, do’n ka!”
C: “Hahaha! Eh kasi naman anak, hindi ako kamukha ni Cardinal Sin! Mas kamukha ko si Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales! Siguro nagkamali ng kinopyahang picture ang iskultor! Aminin!”

Survey Says
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa sentensyang 18 months na imprisonment kay Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson?
– Puwede na ‘yon. Matututo rin ng leksyon ‘yan! 12.35%
Sus! Ano ‘yon bakasyon? Dapat d’yan mas mabigat na parusa! 79.22%
– Wala akong pakialam! Piolo and KC Forever! 8.44%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
Take a risk. Follow me on Twitter. Click here.





COCAINE, CONDOM, QADDAFI

25 02 2011


Singson Sentenced
After pleading guilty to cocaine trafficking, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was sentenced to 18 months in a Hong Kong prison. His father, Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson tried but failed to stop the sentencing by seeking the help of Vice President Jejomar Binay.

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson told the press that his son Ronald was “a victim” of drug abuse. Sought for comment, ‘Drug Abuse’ denied Singson’s allegation and threatened to sue the governor for libel.

Congressman Ronald Singson has been convicted, sentenced and imprisoned. Everybody believes he’s guilty… except for his colleagues at the House of Representatives.

Actress Lovi Poe was in tears after the sentencing. For the next 18 months, she’ll definitely miss the man, the lover, and the free concert tickets.

Speaking of addicts…
The Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang in Muntinlupa City has passed an ordinance that includes a provision requiring doctor’s prescription (reseta) before someone could buy contraceptives like condoms… totally alarming village priests who are not used to doing it without rubber.

Barangay Ayala Alabang spokesperson Atty. Luis Sison says residents who will buy condoms from stores in other villages or cities will not be allowed to give them away or sell them in their barangay. First time offenders will face excommunication. Repeat offenders shall either be guillotined or burnt at the stake.

This just in! Pope Benedict XVI has just declared Barangay Ayala Alabang as the Little Vatican of Asia.

When he heard the news about the controversial ordinance of the Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang, Atty. Adel Tamano posted on Twitter, “That’s unconstitutional.” RH Bill proponents said, “That’s preposterous.” And Senator Lito Lapid shouted, “That’s my idea!”

Top 5 Possible Scenarios When You Buy A Condom From a Store Located at Barangay Ayala Alabang

No. 5: Ate, pagbili ng condom. >> May dala kang reseta iha? >> Wala po eh. Pero ‘wag kayong mag-alala. Doktor ang katalik ko.

No. 4: Miss, pagbilhan mo nga ako ng condom. >> ‘Asan sir ang prescription? >> Anong prescription? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Ako ang kapitan sa barangay na ‘to! Prescription mo’ng mukha mo!

No. 3: Miss, condom nga. >> Naku, reseta muna. >> Ah ganun? Puwes, ‘wag na ‘wag kang magrereklamo kapag nag-motel tayo mamayang gabi!

No. 2: Miss, isang condom please. >> Sir, kailangan po ng prescription. >> Here, meron ako. >> Naku sir, kulang po ito. Dapat po specified ng doctor ang size at flavor.

And the No. 1 scenario when you buy a condom from a store located at Brgy. Ayala Alabang…

Miss, condom nga. Pakibilisan, nagmamadali ako. >> Teka lang sir, meron ba kayong reseta? >> Bakit!? Kailan pa naging sakit ang libog ko?

Nicotine Addict
The Philippine Medical Association says a person like President Aquino who is “addicted to an abused substance whether it is tobacco or illegal drugs needs professional help and is in a state of constant denial.” President Aquino said, “That’s not true.”

AFP Corruption Hearing
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot, wife of Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot was a no-show during Thursday’s Senate hearing. Asked about the whereabouts of his wife, the former military comptroller said he totally forgot where he left her.

Lawyer Rafael Zialcita says the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot is confined at the Veteran’s Memorial Medical Center in Quezon City because of “headaches, abdominal pains, and other aches.” Official hospital records show there’s a total of eight “aches” under Mrs. Erlinda Ligot’s name.

Overseas…
Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi delivered a televised address Tuesday. The 69-year-old dictator spoke about the state of his Arab nation and vowed to stay in power despite calls for his resignation. At one point during the speech, he presented three poor Libyan boys who wrote their dreams on paper folded into boats and launched these into the Mediterranean Sea.


In a televised address Tuesday, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said he would never step down as president. He then enumerated his administration’s long-term goals toward achieving a Strong Republic.
——————————————
“Those who in principle oppose birth control are either incapable of arithmetic or else in favor of war, pestilence, and famine as permanent features of human life.”
~Bertrand Russell

Elsewhere
Dolce, Encore, Pharaoh and Icon mga gimikang tinukoy ng DPA ng ABS-CBN na pugad umano ng mga gumagamit ng cocaine. See exclusive interview here.

Maria Ressa: The Parody of People Power

Survey Says
Sang-ayon ba kayo sa pahayag ni Sen. Bongbong Marcos na posibleng kasing-unlad na tayo ng Singapore kung hindi napatalsik ang kanyang ama?
Tama siya! Sayang. 28.74%
Ulol! Umayos ka nga! 70.66%
Wala akong alam sa isyu. 0.6%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter:Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am also active on Twitter. I tweet even when I am asleep. So I suggest you follow me there. Suggestion lang naman. Kung ayaw mo, ok.thx.bye!

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!





LOVI AND OTHER DRUGS

1 02 2011


Guilty!
ILOCOS SUR Rep. Ronald Singson has pleaded guilty to a drug offense in Hong Kong. He also admitted to being addicted to cocaine. His father, Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson was so upset he accused Ronald of setting his own self up.

Since 2004
Embattled Ilocos Sur Representative Ronald Singson revealed he’s been using cocaine since 2004, and consumed three to five grams of the drug per day. At one point, he got so hooked to coke he almost changed his name to Ronald Singhot.

Nabbed!
When customs police in Hong Kong arrested Cong. Ronald Singson on July 11, 2010, cocaine was found in his underpants. The ‘Coke’ was an inch away from the ‘straw.’

Girlfriend
Ilocos Sur representative, and concert promoter Ronald Singson blamed his break up last year with girlfriend Lovi Poe for his drug use. The actress broke up with him when she found out that half of Ronald’s purported ‘bulge’ was just cocaine.

Resign!
Members of the House of Representatives have called on Cong. Ronald Singson to resign. But the beleaguered Ilocos Sur representative was unfazed. Ousted or not from Congress, he’ll never run out of sessions. #ikawna!

Shocked
Cong. Ronald Singson pleaded guilty to drug trafficking. The 42-year-old solon and concert promoter also confessed to being addicted to cocaine… shocking his father, Governor Chavit Singson who, at the time, had yet to recover from the shock of hearing Piolo Pascual admitting on TV that he and KC Concepcion were in a relationship.

Rabusa & Karma
Have you been following the news on retired Lieutenant Colonel George Rabusa? Interviewed by Radyo Inquirer, Rabusa said he could be suffering from “bad karma” for pocketing millions of pesos from military funds. According to Rabusa, he recently had a stroke, his wife’s got cancer, he lost his mayoral bid in the Visayas, and he’s nearing bankruptcy. One time, Rabusa confessed, he got so depressed he almost produced a concert, and snorted cocaine.

Fare Hike
After approving the fare rate hike in the MRT, LRT, and taxicabs two weeks ago, the government has approved this week the provisional fare hike in jeepney ride. Next week, the government is expected to rule in favor of a petition seeking higher ride rates at Enchanted Kingdom and Star City. #sige!itaasn’yonanglahat!

I Crush You!
In Tuesday’s Lower House hearing on the alleged corruption in the Armed Forces, Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas revealed he had a crush on Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez way back in college. Stunned but otherwise amused by the revelation, Gutierrez quipped, “Si ikaw talaga! Masyado mong ‘pinapahiya si ako!”

Modernong Kahulugan ng Ilang Salita o Parirala

-Pasalubong: Bonus sa trabahong hindi pa nagagawa
Halimbawang pangungusap: “Uy, General, mainit na pagbati sa inyong appointment! Bago po kayo magsimula sa inyong trabaho, heto po ang sampung milyong pisong pasalubong. Enjoy!”

-Pabaon: Bonus sa trabahong walang katiyakan kung nagawa
Halimbawang pangungusap: “Uy, General, maraming salamat po sa inyong paglilingkod sa bayan. Heto po ang limampung milyong pisong pabaon. Pa-burger ka naman! Burger! Burger!”

-Set up: Kapag ‘di mo matanggap na adik ang iyong anak
Halimbawang pangungusap: “’Tang-i*a kasi ‘yong kasama niya eh. ‘Nilaglag ang anak ko. ‘Ayun, na-set up kaya inaresto. Ukininam!”

-Plea bargain agreement: Ibang katawagan sa “Why not coconut?! Malay mo makalusot!”
Halimbawang pangungusap: “Ombudsman, baka naman magawan natin ng paraan ‘tong kaso ko. Ibabalik ko ang one-third ng ninakaw ko pero dapat malinaw ang plea bargain agreement natin. Kailangang abswelto ang aking asawa’t mga anak na kasing-kakapal ko ang mukha.”

You’ve Got Jail
Indonesian pop star Nazril “Ariel” Irham was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison for videotaping his sexual activities with different women. In fairness to Irham, he had a good lawyer during the trial. What he lacked however was a filthy rich, plastic surgery-enhanced cougar financier.
—————————–
“I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police.”
~Keith Richards

Survey Says
Uy, malapit na ang Valentine’s Day. Kumusta naman?
– Happiness! 30%
– Kumusta mong mukha mo! 54.07%
– Getting there. I am not going to elaborate. Baka mausog. 15.93%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
For a regular dose of insanity, follow me on Twitter.

Today is February 1, 2011… let’s spread  peace and love (not just legs)!
#teamlakers #beattheheat





TOY STORY

14 01 2011

IT’S FRIDAY! Another work week is almost over! And what a week for Filipinos! Gas prices have gone up. The proposed MRT and LRT fare hike has been approved. And the President has a new sports car!

New Toy
Something new is making President Aquino smile these days. For a change, it’s not a new date.


Reports say President Aquino ditched his BMW for a Porsche. And then, he felt weird. You know… he’s used to being ditched, not the other way around.

The President’s got a new toy, a 2007 model Porsche. When the new toy was delivered last December, did you know what he did first? He returned Joshua’s PSP.

Last year, President Aquino was praised for frugality when he ate hotdogs on a New York street instead of spending thousands of dollars in a restaurant. Today, he is being criticized for buying a 4.5-million peso Porsche amid reports that the number of hungry Filipinos has gone up. To appease his critics, President Aquino plans to eat hotdogs in his Porsche.

Lawmakers have different reactions when they learned that President Aquino bought a Porsche. His allies wouldn’t fault him for it. Militant lawmakers couldn’t stomach it. Senator Lito Lapid couldn’t spell it. Toingk!

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that President Aquino tried to give his new car a test drive at the Clark Freeport last December 26. He didn’t enjoy it though because every time he would start the engine, Mar Roxas would appear and say, “Besprend itabi mo. Ako na!”

Comelec Chairmanship
The battle for the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections is on. Two names are neck-and-neck in the race: Balay and Noybi.

Election lawyers Romulo Macalintal and Sixto Brillantes are being considered by President Aquino to replace outgoing Comelec chairman Jose Melo. Reports say Macalintal has the backing of the LP/Balay faction while Brillantes has the support of the NoyBi/Samar faction. But palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda said, “No factions here. No one is pushing for anyone.” As usual, maang-maangan school of acting.

President Aquino screened the leading candidates for the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections last Monday. Palace insiders say the President asked the candidates one important question: “How vast is your knowledge in election law?” A similar screening was last conducted during the administration of ex-President Arroyo. During that screening, she asked, “Will I still lead by one million?”

Deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte confirmed that election lawyers Romulo Macalintal and Sixto Brillantes were indeed in Malacañang last Monday. The President told them he was in awe of their knowledge in election law. The two lawyers returned the compliment and said they were in awe of his taste in cars.

This just in!
Senator Joker Arroyo has filed a resolution seeking to fumigate the Senate. Arroyo made the proposal after getting bitten by a “mosquito” last Wednesday.

Reacting to Senator Antonio Trillanes IV’s statement that he was the “laziest senator,” Joker Arroyo said, “Why should I be bothered by a mosquito?” Trillanes has been doing several radio and TV guestings recently. Next up: TV 5’s Face to Face.

The PAO Chief
Public Attorneys Office Chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta admitted she flunked the Career Executive Service (CES) exam she took in 2003. She obtained a failing grade of 55.95 percent. To be fair to Acosta, she got a 99+ rating in the NCEE.

Defending her failing grade in the 2003 CES exam, Attorney Persida Rueda-Acosta said, “Hindi naman kasi ako nag-review eh. Subok-subok lang ‘yun. Parang katuwaan lang ‘yun.” Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law.

Top Absentee
According to House records, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, who was charged in Hong Kong for a drug offense is the No. 1 absentee in the first six months of the 15th Congress. Following his Hong Kong arrest in July 2010, Singson has failed to attend any “session” – Congressional, or otherwise.

Overseas…

Raging floodwaters have swept across the state of Queensland in Australia similar to what happened in the Philippines during typhoon Ondoy in 2009. Experts say the last great flood in Australia happened a century ago… to which Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Yeah, I witnessed that. Horrible!”

Arizona Shooting
Jared Loughner, the 22-year-old man accused in a Tucson, Arizona shooting spree that left six people dead and a U.S. Congresswoman clinging to life initially refused to speak with authorities. But Loughner had an apparent change of mind when Tucson police told him, “If you don’t cooperate, we’ll send you to Tondo, Manila.”

In Showbiz: Mega Scene
Sharon Cuneta tripped and fell down flat on her buttocks while taping a birthday concert at the Big Dome stage last Tuesday. Cuneta’s husband, Sen. Francis Pangilinan says the megastar is now okay. He didn’t give any update though on the condition of the stage.
———————-
“Feeling good about the government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.”
~ P. J. O’Rourke

Survey Says
Sakaling magsara ang Facebook, ano ang mararamdaman mo?
– Hindi ko kayang tanggapin! ‘Yon na nga lang ang happiness ko. 17.43%
– Oks lang. May Twitter naman. ‘Tsaka remember, buhay pa si Friendster! 25.69%
– Hindi kawalan sa ‘kin ang social networking sites! 56.88%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
Follow me on Twitter.

Have a great weekend. Ingat!





HIGH THERE!

4 01 2011


AFTER A RELATIVELY GOOD 2010, the Aquino government welcomed the New Year on a high note – high spirits, high hopes, high toll rates, high gas prices, and higher flag-down rate in taxis.

* * * * *

Hopeful
According to a recent survey, 93 percent of Filipinos welcomed 2011 with hope. Some 900 others welcomed it with stitches and severed fingers.

* * * * *

It’s 2011. We begin another year with resolutions. Stop drinking, quit smoking, spend more time with the family, work harder, and more. Why, even the House of Representatives has a resolution: expel one of its own.

Resign!
A drug-related controversy has led to a call for resignation of a member of the House of Representatives. Nope, I’m not talking about Jules Ledesma.

Leaders of the House of Representatives say quitting is the “most decent thing” to do for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson. It wasn’t clear though if they wanted him to quit his post or quit drugs.

John Reading, lawyer of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson said the solon would plead guilty in a hearing on January 26 in Hong Kong. Reading did not state if Singson would plead guilty to drug trafficking, drug possession, or conniving with NAIA personnel.

Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson insists his son Ronald is not a drug user. Yup, and the Philippines may not be in Asia; the Pope may not be Catholic, and Elvis Presley may not be dead.

Top 5 Questions to Ask a Jailed Solon

No. 5: Kung hindi po kayo drug user, ano ‘yon, ‘yong drugs ang nanggamit sa inyo?

No. 4: “What is one big mistake you’ve made in your life and what did you do to make it right?” (You may use an interpreter.)

No. 3: Kung hindi po kayo nahuli… ano kayo sinusuwerte?

No. 2: Sakaling mapatunayang guilty kayo at makulong nang habambuhay, ang tanong… why not?

And the No. 1 question to ask a jailed solon…

Kung maniniwala po kaming wala kayo ni katiting na kasalanan, ano kami, sira?!?

At Large
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima says the National Bureau of Investigation has located Vizconde massacre suspect Joey Filart in the United States. Now, if only the NBI could locate Senator Panfilo Lacson in the Philippines.

New Couple?
Ex-future first girlfriend, stylist Liz Uy and director Lino Cayetano (younger brother of Senators Pia and Alan Peter) are now an item. Instead of romancing a president, Liz chose a barangay captain. Ouch!
——————————————–
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”
~Robin Williams

Photo of the Weak

Congratulations Arnel Buenaflor, you just made it on the list of the world’s dumbest criminals!
Read full story here.

Survey Says
Kumusta ang 2010 sa ‘yo in general?
– Panalo! It was a great year for me! 24.86%
– Okay lang. May hits and misses. 48.09%
– Let me just say na babawi na lang ako sa 2011. 27.05%

Personal
Congratulations to everyone who passed the UP College Admission Test (UPCAT). Pagbutihin n’yo. Maliit man ang budget, masuwerte pa rin kayo. After all, University of the Philippines is University of the Philippines. [And Anna Dizon is Anna Dizon.]

I know it’s been months (sorry, i just read it yesterday) but belated thanks to FHM Philippines for including ‘The Professional Heckler’ on your list of ‘Blogs With Balls,’.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter





SET UP

19 08 2010

Torture Video
ABS-CBN News aired Tuesday a footage of a suspected holdupper allegedly being tortured by Senior Insp. Joselito Binayug, a Manila police precinct commander. Of Binayug’s act, DOJ Secretary Leila De Lima said, “That’s ghastly!” Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim lamented, “That’s inhumane.” Retired Major General Jovito Palparan blurted out, “That’s my boy!”

Torture Video II
Have you seen the “torture video” shown first and exclusively by ABS-CBN News? It was so horrible, watching it repeatedly feels like watching Kris Aquino on “Pilipinas Win na Win” everyday!

Out on Bail
Moments after Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was allowed to post bail of one million Hong Kong dollars (a month after he was arrested for drug possession), his father, Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson said Ronald may have been “set up,” citing politics and business as possible motives. Set up?!? He’s 41, a congressman, and was set up? Either Chavit himself is on drugs or he is possessed. (Or both.)

New SSS President
President Aquino has appointed Emilio De Quiros Jr., brother of Inquirer columnist and rabid Noynoy supporter, Conrado De Quiros as SSS president. After signing De Quiros’ appointment papers, President Aquino explained, “His being the brother of Conrad de Quiros is not relevant to his appointment.” The President didn’t explain though the relevance of his being defensive.

Top 5 Text Messages Received By Inquirer Columnist Conrado De Quiros Following the Appointment of His Brother to the SSS

No. 5: “Hindi dapat maliitin ang iyong naging ambag sa aking tagumpay. Pangako… hindi ako magiging ganid. – Nagmamahal, ang iyong Kapatid”

No. 4: “O, masaya ka na?!? – Sincerely, Korina”

No. 3: “Let’s celebate brod. Inuman tayo! Isama mo ang iyong kapatid sa SSS. Isasama ko ang aking bayaw sa DOST. This is my new # nga pala! – Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa.”

No. 2: “So, pa’no? Love love love na tayo? – Dinky Soliman, the Hyatt 10 and the Liberal Party”

And the No. 1 text message received by Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros following the appointment of his brother to the SSS…

“Congratulations! May kapamilya ka na rin sa gobyerno. Kaya sana, tigilan mo na ang pamilya ko! – Yours truly, Butch Abad”

Light Bites: Noon at Ngayon
NOON: Kamag-anak, Incorporated
NGAYON: Kaklase, Incorporated

NOON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging doktor!
NGAYON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging SBMA administrator!

NOON: “Pangako, ipapamahagi namin ang lupain ng Hacienda Luisita!”
NGAYON: “Stock option na lang. Hala, pirma!”

NOON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, nakatago!
NGAYON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, naka-video!

NOON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka ‘pinapatupad.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka pina-fine-tune.

NOON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa palasyo!
NGAYON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa ANC Studio!

NOON: Ang Executive Secretary… maingay, naghahamon ng debate.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Secretary… tahimik, naghahamon ng inuman.

NOON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; kinakain ng taumbayan!
NGAYON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; ‘pinapakain sa babuyan!

NOON: Ang pulitiko, tumatakbo upang maging senador.
NGAYON: Ang senador… tumatakbo.

NOON: Ang gustong maging kongresista… tumatakbo sa eleksyon.
NGAYON: Ang nahalal na kongresista… tumatakbo palabas ng sesyon.

NOON: Ang kongresista, nagco-coffee.
NGAYON: Ang kongresista, nagco-Coke. [Oops, pasensya. Na-set up nga lang pala.]

NOON: Ang House Speaker… numero unong promotor ng pamamahagi ng pork barrel.
NGAYON: Gano’n pa rin.

NOON: “No new taxes if elected” (Habang nangangampanya)
NGAYON: “Hindi ito bagong tax. Sisihin n’yo si Gloria!
—————-
“The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”
~Carl Jung

This just in!
Authorities in Orange, California nabbed 31-year-old Filipino Michael Lallana for allegedly ejaculating into an officemate’s water bottle on two separate occasions. Sought for comment, Lallana said he may have been set up because of business or ‘office politics.’

Breaking News!
Twitter now has 1.8M active ‘users’ in the Philippines. The previous record was held by Rufa Mae Quinto.

Corny Corner
Tanong: Sino ang anak ni Manuel L. Quezon?
Sino pa? Eh ‘di… ang Wikang Pambansa.
‘Di ba sabi nila si Manuel L. Quezon ang Ama ng Wikang Pambansa!
[Aarrgh! Ang corny nga!]

What’s UP?
The UP Fighting Maroons lost its ninth straight game in the UAAP cage wars. And they lost badly. Their 0-9 slate is unnerving. I appeal to Chairman Etta Rosales of the Commission on Human Rights to please intervene. This continuing massacre of the premiere State University’s basketball team is disturbing. Have mercy!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

[Share this on Facebook. Click this >> Add to FaceBook ]





COMMUNICATORS

29 07 2010


Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”


NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”


Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
– Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
– Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
– I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

DO NOT follow me on Twitter. You’ve been warned!





THE NATION ACCORDING TO NOYNOY

27 07 2010


PRESIDENT BENIGNO SIMEON ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III’s first State of the Nation Address is over. Now, can anyone please tell me how to get a job at the MWSS?

Aquino’s SONA
President Aquino delivered his first State of the Nation Address Monday. It was direct to the point. Like a missile, the SONA hit its target – located somewhere in Hong Kong.

President Aquino’s first ever State of the Nation Address was short and direct. No frills, no gimmicks, no fanfare, no land reform, no economic goals, no foreign policy.

Addressing the CPP-NPA-NDF, Aquino asked: “Handa na ba kayong maglaan ng kongkretong mungkahi, sa halip na pawang batikos lamang?” – to which extreme Leftist lawmakers replied, “Kapag ganun ang nangyari, eh hindi na kami ‘yon.”

The President also said, “Habang nagpapatuloy ang barilan, patuloy din ang pagkakagapos natin sa kahirapan.” And then he vowed to quit target shooting on weekends and promised to work instead.

There was one awkward moment TV cameras failed to catch during the SONA. When President Aquino said, “Creating jobs is foremost on our agenda,” the four Abads in government chorused, “Taaama!”

The President also vowed to “strengthen the Witness Protection Program” – by establishing partnership with the La Salle Brothers.

On Monday, President Aquino let loose some bombshells. Not sure if it shocked many Filipinos but when TV cameras focused on former First Ladies Imelda Marcos and Luisa Ejercito, their faces barely moved.

President Aquino’s 35-minute State of the Nation Address was interrupted 29 times by applause… and at least 3 times by Aquino waiting for the applause.


Speaking before members of both Houses of Congress, President Aquino vowed, “Sa administrasyon po natin, walang quota-quota, walang tongpats; ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang.” The congresspersons broke into applause… with the heaviest of hearts.

A day before Aquino’s State of the Nation Address, former president and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left for Hong Kong. As they say, flight is an indication of guilt.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother, former President Arroyo did not attend the SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” – to the delight of Prof. Danton Remoto who’s been looking for an ally in Congress.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother was not there to listen to President Aquino’s SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo curtly replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” Last night, his wife Kakai Manotok-Arroyo wasn’t able to sleep well.

In other news…
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was re-elected president of the Senate. He got a total of 17 votes while his rival for the post, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano got only 3 votes. Cayetano’s votes came from Joker Arroyo, Pia Cayetano, and Sharon Cuneta.

Belmonte By A Landslide
Voted by at least 227 congressmen, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano “Sonny” Belmonte scored a landslide victory against Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman for the Speakership of the House of Representatives. Belmonte’s win was “a walk in the pork.”

A total of 258 congressmen were present when the session opened at 10 am. In the race for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Sonny Belmonte got 227 votes while Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman got 29 votes. Surprisingly, Vetellano Acosta managed to get 2 votes.

Aside from Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who was in Hong Kong, and Cagayan Representative Florencio Vargas who passed away over the weekend, two other congressmen were absent when session opened at the Lower House: Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, and Negros Occidental Rep. Julio ‘Jules’ Ledesma IV. One is a rich, alleged drug user who almost always gets away with it, and the other is Chavit’s son.
———————-
“Dapat din po nating mabatid: ito ay panahon ng sakripisyo. At ang sakripisyong ito ay magiging puhunan para sa ating kinabukasan.
~President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III (SONA 2010)

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si dating Pangulong Arroyo, dadalo ka ba sa SONA ni Pangulong Aquino?
-Why not? Karapatan ko ‘yon. 26%
-Never! Not even in my wildest wet dreams! 61%
-Pag-iisipan ko. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s first State of the Nation Address

Meet the members of the MWSS Board of Trustees

Note: The photos of the members of the Board of Trustees suddenly disappeared on Tuesday. Hoy! Akala n’yo ba kapag inalis ang mga larawan n’yo, mababago no’n ang realidad na ang kakapal ng mga mukha n’yo?!? Mga punyeta kayo! Pa-cheeseburger naman kayo! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 114,447 other followers

%d bloggers like this: