THE YOUNG AND THE SHIRTLESS

18 05 2013

FOR VICE GOVERNOR, voters in Quezon Province elected 23-year-old Sam Nantes. How time flies! Sam Nantes was just a baby when Nancy Binay started her OJT.

Camarines Sur’s newly-elected governor, Migz Villafuerte is 24 – or as Quezon Province voters would say, “old.”

1bbb
Quezon Vice Governor Sam Nantes is 23. Cam Sur Governor Migz Villafuerte is 24. Cavite Vice Governor Jolo Revilla is 25. These elected officials are really young. To give you an idea of how young these men are, even if you add 30 to their age, Loren Legarda would still find them “too young” for her.

In Camarines Sur, Atty. Leni Robredo was elected congresswoman. Her best asset is her late husband’s legacy of good governance. For governor, Cam Sur elected 24-year-old Migz Villafuerte. His best asset is his abs.

Some analysts say voters opted to elect the young and the ‘new’ last elections. That’s why you have the Grace Poes, the Nancy Binays, the Bam Aquinos, the Sonny Angaras, and the face of Cynthia Villar.

Bitter?
Defeated Congressional candidate Nelly Villafuerte of Camarines Sur accuses proclaimed winner Leni Robredo of cheating. That’s like accusing Albay Governor Joey Salceda of womanizing.

Still in Cam Sur, Aga Muhlach lost – officially to Wimpy Fuentebella. Aga refuses to accept his loss. Voters refuse to accept Aga’s from Bicol.

Finished
It’s a 9-3 victory for Team PNoy after five stages: COC filing, campaigning, voting, counting and proclamation. Meanwhile, UNA can now focus on the next five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Here’s a good news: the midterm election is over. Here’s an even better news: we’ll be hearing less from Toby Tiangco.

Bad news for UNA’s Migz Zubiri: he finished 14th in the senatorial race. The good news is he doesn’t have to resign.

Many are saddened by Richard Gordon’s loss. But a number of people are also celebrating his defeat. Those people are called ‘Gringo supporters.’

1NAN
Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?

A: “Sinukat ko ang agwat ng ranking namin ni Risa Hontiveros. Ganito kalayo o! Boom!”
B: “Sabi ni Daddy, ganito lang siya kahaba nang ipanganak. Promise!”
C: “Nag-print ako ng anti-Nancy Binay memes at ganito yata karami ang print out. As in!”
D: “Ganito!! Ganito kakapal ang pinlantsa ko noong Huwebes kaya ‘di ako naka-attend sa proclamation.”

1Chz
Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang nasa larawan?

A: “Sweetheart, bakit ang sarap yata ng tawa mo?”
“Eh kasi, malamang na nanonood si Mommy ngayon. Gusto ko lang siyang asarin!”

B: “Sweetheart, anong nakakatawa?”
“Wala lang. Natutuwa lang ako dahil No. 4 ka, at si JV, No. 11. ‘Di ba siniraan ka no’n? Hihihi”

C: “Sweetheart, may dumi ba ako sa mukha? Ba’t mo ‘ko tinatawanan?”
“Nooo! Hindi ikaw babe! Ayun o, sina Ma’am Loren at Alan Cayetano… nag-uusap. I swear, feeling ko ‘di sila sincere.”

D: “Sweetheart, what’s funny?”
“Eh kasi, nautot ako habang katabi si Chairman Brillantes. Gosh! Narinig yata niya. Embarrassing! Ahihihi”

1brill
Ano ang gustong sabihin ng lalaking puti ang buhok?

A: “Ke ganda-gandang babae no’ng Heart, ang baho ng utot.”
B: “Nangangamoy 9-3 na talaga. Kaya siguro ‘no show’ si Nancy.”
C: “Mag-resign kaya ako ngayon para agaw-eksena sa proclamation?!”
D: “Pare, umaalingasaw ang pagiging bitter no’ng isang kampo. May manipulasyon daw ng data. Wala naman ‘di ba? Move on, move on din pag may time. Oooops, i hate that phrase.”

[Photos: Interaksyon.com]

Dangerous
Reports say Somalia is the most dangerous place in the world. In close second is Taiwan.

Cokehead Pol
Toronto Mayor Robert Ford was caught using cocaine. If removed from his post, Ford can always come to the Philippines, run for office in Ilocos Sur and win a seat in Congress.

1bbbRIP Bella Flores
Bella Flores, the iconic character actress is dead at 84. People are now asking, “Sino na ang papalit sa kanya bilang most hated kontrabida?” And Nancy Binay was like, “O, ba’t nakatingin kayo sa akin?”

Ai-Ai Breaks Down
The Comedy Concert Queen is single again! Ai-Ai De Las Alas’ 29-day marriage to Jed Salang breaks Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.
————————————————–
“In war, our elders may give the orders…but it is the young who have to fight.”
~T.H. White

Sound Bites
“At the end of the day, ang apelyido ko pa rin ang nagpapanalo sa akin sa halalang ito.”
~Senator-elect Nancy Binay (Via 24Oras, May 17)

“ugh i hate politics – but I only have one thing to say: Anyone that votes for Erap is a f***ing idiot.”
~Model Georgina Wilson on Twitter

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





REVELATIONS

4 05 2010


Quiboloy Goes Green
In front of his loyal followers, religious cult leader Pastor Apollo Quiboloy revealed, “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation, Gilbert Teodoro…” eliciting condemnation from saints and angels who insist that the law bars the Almighty Father from making appointments during the election period.

Speaking before his flock at the “Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name” compound in Catitipan, Davao City, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy said that “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation (and) he is no other than Gilbert ‘Gibo’ Teodoro.” At press time though, the Almighty Father has yet to confirm Quiboloy’s claim.

Explaining his decision to endorse Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy narrated that he prayed for three days before a ‘revelation’ from God came on Sunday. Quiboloy told his flock, “Ipinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami” – to which his loyal followers chorused, “Whatttteverrrr!”

This just in! Minutes after Apollo Quiboloy announced his “chosen one,” another presidential candidate issued a statement thanking the religious leader. It turned out though that the candidate was misinformed by a supporter. Nagkamali ng dinig ang supporter ni candidate. Sa halip na Gibô, ang dinig niya Tibô!

Religious cult leader Apollo C. Quiboloy has endorsed Gilbert Teodoro. The El Shaddai Movement is reportedly endorsing Manny Villar, while the Iglesia ni Cristo is said to be endorsing Noynoy Aquino. Last week, the CBCP picked JC De Los Reyes over his rivals. Rumors say a displeased Richard Gordon is seeking a TRO against religious endorsements.

Tears for Fears & Politics
Did you know what happened at the concert of Tears for Fears the other night at the Araneta Coliseum? The pop rock duo got the loudest cheers; Korina Sanchez got the loudest boos.

In case you didn’t know, TV host Korina Sanchez got booed twice by the thousands of people in attendance at the concert of Tears for Fears last Sunday. According to witnesses, shortly after the duo’s last song, people requested for an encore and shouted ‘More! More!’ When Korina was projected on the huge video wall, she flashed a Laban sign, and shouted, ‘Mar! Mar!”

Binay’s Climb
Following his surge in the latest surveys, vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay says Mar Roxas is now in “panic mode.” The Roxas camp is reportedly so alarmed by Binay’s numbers, Korina Sanchez was forced to campaign during the Tears for Fears concert.


Last week, outgoing Makati City mayor Jejomar Binay admitted he had an extramarital affair that almost cost him his marriage to Dr. Elenita Binay. The romance didn’t last long because the mistress rejected Binay’s proposed 24-year affair.

Photos of outgoing Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay and his alleged mistress circulated on the Internet last week. The vice presidential dark horse called it black propaganda.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Alam n’yo ser, sorbey lang ‘yan. ‘Di dapat iniiyakan ‘yan! Mas masakit pa nga d’yan ang mga suntuk ni Cuttu eh.”
B: “’Di naman ‘yung survey ang iniiyakan ko eh! Si Quiboloy! Pinaasa niya ako sa endorsement. Wala rin naman pala. Hu-hu-hu!”
C: “Tawagan mo nga si Welli Rivillami! Ayaw tumahan eh. ‘Pag ‘di pa ‘to tumigil sa kakaiyak, uupakan ko na ‘to!”
D: “Sobra na Pacman. Hindi ko na kaya! ‘Yung Iglesia, nag-promise din sa akin tapos sabi sa diyaryo, si Noynoy na raw?!? It’s unfair! It’s unfair!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Nabasa mo ba ‘yung psychiatric report ni Guido Delgado? Kinabahan ako do’n mare. Akala ko authentic.”
B: “Quiet ka lang Shawie. May area sa likod ng stage kung saan puwede tayong mag-yosi. Tara!”
C: “Talaga?!? May alam ka sa babae ni Kiko? Sige nga, kwento mo!”
D: “’Wag ka sanang magagalit Sha. Ipinapatanong ng organizers ng rally kung puwedeng mamaya ka na lang daw umakyat ng stage. Baka bumigay eh.”


Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “’Di mo sinabi matulis ka rin pala Jojo! Sino ‘tong kasama mong chick sa picture na nasa diyaryo? Ang kiniiis!”
B: “Eh saan pa ba ako magmamana? Kaya nga tandem tayo eh.”
C: “Alam mo ba ang ginawa ko kay Doktora Ellen nang mahuli niya akong may chiching? Siya ang pinatakbo kong mayor sa Makati! Ayun, tumahimik!”
D: “Ngayon ko lang napansin Jojo! We have a lot of things in common pala! Naging mayor ka, naging mayor ako. Doktora ang asawa mo, doktora ang asawa ko. May naging kabit ka, may naging kabit ako. Naku! Sana naman ngayong eleksyon, pag natalo ka, manalo naman ako! For a change!”
—————————
“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.”
~The Holy Bible

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Para sa masaya at malamang pagtalakay sa mga napapanahong paksa, makinig kina Lynda Jumilla at Alvin Elchico sa dzMM, gabi-gabi pagkatapos ng TV Patrol World.





22 04 2010

April 22nd
On this date in…

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil. Amazon tribesmen didn’t notice the Portuguese were coming because they were so busy playing soccer.

1870: Communist revolutionary Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) is born in Simbirsk, Russia. To ‘celebrate’ his birth, Communists all over the world simultaneously torched several cell sites.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated to promote environmental protection. Forty years later, the earth is at its worst condition ever, proving that the annual celebration is a failure.

1998: Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Moments later, members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA gathered outside the theme park and demanded the release of all animals.

2000: In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida… totally crushing the boy’s dreams of visiting Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

1970: A beautiful bouncing baby girl named Regina Encarnacion “Chona” Velasquez is born. Sixteen years later, she would use a new name (Regine), and a new nose.

Thanks to Wikipedia and BBC On This Day.


It’s Earth Day today!
To save energy (and resources)…

Sen. Richard Gordon shall try to speak 150 words per minute (less than his “normal” average of 400 wpm).

Sen. Francis Escudero shall use more periods in his speeches, and limit his sentences to an average of 10 words.

Kris Aquino will limit her use of “Noy,” “Baby James,” “Ballsy,” “Pinky,” “Viel,” “mom ko,” and “dad ko” on TV to two times per segment instead of the usual five.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer will limit the news, and column items on Noynoy Aquino and his family to accommodate more Earth Day-related articles.

Tabloids will limit their pages to four. As James Watt lamented in 1982, did you know how many good trees were cut to put out bad newspapers?

And lastly, Sen. Manuel Villar shall limit his political ads to two lies per 30-seconds… an improvement from the usual seven lies per ad.

———————-
“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.”
~Ross Perot

Personal
Thank you Cebu Bloggers Society for appreciating what I do. Credit goes to the readers whose incredible grasp of the daily goings-on in this country makes political humor blogging much easier. Again, daghang salamat!





MARGINALIZED

25 03 2010


Marginalized?
Have you heard the news? Mikey Arroyo is running for Congress again. He is the first nominee of “Ang Galing Pinoy,” a party-list group that claims to represent security guards! You know what their campaign slogan is? “Para sa national security… No ID, No Entry!”

Energy Sec. Angelo Reyes is also seeking a Congressional seat. Reports say Reyes is a nominee of the party-list group 1-UTAK, a coalition of jeepney drivers and operators. Reyes representing jeepney drivers is not surprising though considering that he has gotten used to accepting jobs he absolutely knows nothing about.

El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is reportedly running for a Congressional seat via the party-list elections. He is a nominee of the pro-life group Buhay. Personally though, I think Velarde would do better as BIR Commissioner. He’s really good at collecting revenues.

Reports say Bro. Mike Velarde decided to be one of Buhay’s nominees because of the government’s distribution of condoms. If that’s his only reason, he should have just sought the chairmanship of the CBCP instead!

Can you believe it? El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is running for Congress too! His supporters believe he’ll make a good “Speaker.”

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Happen if Bro. Mike Velarde Becomes the Next House Speaker

No. 5: The House of Representatives will celebrate its founding anniversary in Luneta.

No. 4: As an icebreaker during marathon sessions, he’ll ask congressmen to stand up and sing “Alive, alive, alive forevermore…”

No. 3: Before and after each session, collection baskets will be passed around.

No. 2: The official House uniform will be “anything checkered.”

And the No.1 thing you wouldn’t want to happen if Mike Velarde becomes House Speaker…

During a vote, he’ll ask his fellow congressmen, “Those who are in favor… say Amen!”

Marginalized, Too?
Dermatologist Manny Calayan is also running for Congress. He is a nominee of the party-list group Alyansa ng Media at Showbiz. Critics believe though that a Calayan victory will further deteriorate the quality of House members. Lalong dadami ang “plastic.”

Backers
Unconfirmed reports say the religious bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo and the Catholic charismatic group El Shaddai Group are supporting the presidential bid of Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar. If it’s any consolation, Noynoy Aquino has the CBCP.

CBCP and a Revolution
Caloocan Bishop Deogracias Iňiguez Jr. was quoted to have said that members of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines would join a revolt in the event of a failure of elections. Skeptics doubt though the ability of bishops to win a revolution since they couldn’t even score a victory against Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral.


Gordon On Video
Presidential bet Richard Gordon who once declared, “I don’t need celebrity endorsers,” has appeared on a music video on YouTube with his celebrity endorsers, Moymoy Palaboy. Gordon even danced on that video. When Manny Villar saw Gordon’s video, he asked him to perform live at a Nacionalista Party rally for a fee.

Have you seen the latest Moymoy Palaboy video featuring presidential bet Richard Gordon? They were so lovably cute I thought I was watching the Oompa-Loompas.

Photo of the Weak:
Ganito Kami sa Makati
Outgoing Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin will be succeeded by his wife Louie, if she’d be lucky in the coming elections.


Ano ang akmang deskripsyon, caption, o pamagat sa larawan?
A: Ang noo’y mahigpit na kalaban ng tambalang Sharon at Gabby: ang kilig na loveteam nina Teddyboy at Louie.
B: Gamit na gamit na naman ang mga graduates
C: Kung tapos na ang termino ni lalaki, patakbuhin si babae
D: Parang mag-ina lang.
——-
“I’ve had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I accidentally spent some of my own money.”
~Joseph P. Kennedy

Survey Says
Batay sa resulta ng recent senatorial surveys, ano kaya ang nangungunang batayan ng pagpili ng mga botante?
KASIKATAN. Kilalang mga pangalan. 62%
KAHUSAYAN. Track record. 16%
PAREHO LANG. 22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





BAKBAKAN NA!

9 02 2010


Notes from a Debate
Did you catch the Inquirer-sponsored presidential debate in UP? Me neither. But I was able to read some interesting notes about the event. For example, Sen. Manny Villar arrived as a candidate and left as a punching bag.

The “Inquirer First Edition: Presidential Debates” was organized by the Philippine Daily Inquirer and co-sponsored by Globe Telecoms and the UP College of Mass Communication. A total of 27 questions were asked each candidate separated into 3 categories: (1) Law and Governance, (2) Social Services, and (3) Economics and Business. A fourth category was added during the debate proper, Sen. Manny Villar’s political ads.

Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino standard-bearer Joseph Estrada was a no-show at the debate. That’s not surprising though since he always boycotts the Inquirer anyway.

Kilusang Bagong Lipunan’s Vetellano Acosta was also absent. That wasn’t surprising either because he was not invited.

Jamby Jeered
When Sen. Jamby Madrigal was booed for failing to give an accurate answer to the question, “Would you know the current price of “galunggong,” she explained, “I’m a vegetarian.” But when asked to name the third vegetable mentioned in the folk song “Bahay Kubo,” she insisted, “I’m not a singer.”

Defending her failure to answer accurately the question on the price of “galunggong,” Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “I’m a vegetarian.” Again, that’s “vegetarian” NOT “vagitarian” as others insist they heard her say.

Senator Madrigal’s woes didn’t stop with the “galunggong” question. When asked if she knew the cost of salted eggs (itlog na maalat), Jamby shook her head and replied, “I also don’t eat eggs.” We know.

During the Inquirer debate in UP, Senator Madrigal said she didn’t know the price of “galunggong” because she’s “a vegetarian.” She wouldn’t know the cost of salted eggs because she “also doesn’t eat eggs.” Because of these answers, Jamby automatically wins two advance year-end special citations from this blog, (1) “Baka Makalusot Lang” Award, and (2) “Vegetarian Mo’ng Mukha Mo” Award. Congratulations!

If elected president, Senator Madrigal says she won’t let her husband, Eric Jean Claude Dudoignon Valade engage in any business deals… or else, “I will cut his head & his tongue,” to which the Frenchman said, “Etchosera!”

Now you know. Senator Madrigal has a husband and his name is Eric Jean Claude Dudoignon Valade. ‘Yung pangalan niya, kasinghaba siguro ng kanyang pasensya.

Campaign Period Starts
The official campaign period starts today. Reports say President Arroyo won’t be attending the official campaign kick-off of administration bet Gilbert Teodoro. Mrs. Arroyo would have wanted to attend the event if not for her prior commitment to join Sen. Manny Villar’s kick-off rally.

The Liberal Party began their campaign with a mass in Concepcion, Tarlac at 9:30 am. There was one awkward moment though after the first reading. Tension flared up when the camp of advertising bigwig Yolly Ong (the head of Noynoy’s ad campaign) and the camp of Boy & Kris argued on who should read the Responsorial Psalm. (Note for Ms. Yolly Ong: This is a joke, ma’am.)

Sen. Jamby Madrigal started her campaign by attending mass in Quiapo Church. After which, she went outside, shook hands with Quiapo vendors… and inquired about the price of “galunggong” and “itlog na maalat.”


Sen. Richard Gordon and Bayani Fernando today unveiled a campaign truck fashioned after the Transformers’ ‘Optimus Prime.’ But something bad happened even before the truck could leave the duo’s campaign headquarters. A passerby mistook it for an MMDA urinal and pissed on it.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva kicked off his campaign rally by unfolding a huge Philippine flag. An overwhelmed preacher announced, “Ang pinakamalaking bandila sa buong Pilipinas ay iniladlad sa banal na lupa ng Luneta Park.” He then miraculously walked on top of the flag from end to end without losing balance.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s supporter reportedly spent 10 million pesos for that huge flag. To give you an idea how much 10 million pesos is: tatlong prayer rally lang sa Luneta, bawi na ‘yan!

Senatorial bets of the Nacionalista Party kicked off their campaign with a motorcade in Calamba City, Laguna. They went straight to Laguna De Bay where thousands of supporters patiently waited for them. At sa harap ng nagpapalakpakang mga residente sa paligid ng Laguna de Bay, ang mga kandidato ni Senador Villar ay sabay-sabay na naligo – sa dagat ng basura.

Lacson, Too
Though in hiding, Sen. Panfilo Lacson has joined the frenzy. His “Wanted” posters were distributed by an anti-crime group in Metro Manila.

No to Gibô
Asked about her preferred candidate for president, Gretchen Cojuangco, wife of business tycoon Danding Cojuangco, and aunt of administration candidate Gilbert Teodoro, was quoted to have said, “Anybody but Gibô.” Mrs. Cojuangco’s answer elated Sen. Ana Consuelo Madrigal whose aunts and uncles are voting for “anybody but Jamby.”
__________________________
“I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.”
~Oscar Wilde

Survey Says
Rumors say Sen. Manny Villar is the ‘secret candidate’ of Mr. and Mrs. Jose Miguel Arroyo. Your take:
TRUE! 38%
IMPOSIBLE! 19%
Hmmm, baka nga. 43%

Personal:
Trying to Get Away With It

Remember my previous posts about The Ilocos Times? For the benefit of those who didn’t get to read the articles, here’s what happened: The Ilocos Times reprinted my two Christmas-themed blog posts as an Editorial in the paper’s January 11 to 17, 2010 issue and attributed the article to their columnist, Juan L. Mercado. Apparently, the editors have discovered that the item was not actually written by their beloved Mr. Mercado. I checked their online version today and voila! The controversial editorial was gone. Instead, they replaced it with the editorial from the January 18-24 issue. In short, they have two different issues with the same editorial. Wow! And they did not bother to issue even an insincere apology.

Do you really think you could just get away with it by deleting the online version of the copied material? Kapal. [Yup, I am angry now. Sorry.]

Shame on you The Ilocos Times! Shame on you!

Light Bites
The camp of a presidential candidate sent someone to ask soon-to-be dad Paolo Contis (whose Italian father recently died) if he’s free and willing to endorse the candidate. Paolo’s reply:
“Sabihin mo, oo! Go! Kahit kumanta pa ‘ko habang lumalangoy sa dagat ng basura! Go!”

Funny guy.

Pahabol: Make it a habit to watch STRICTLY POLITICS on ANC. Hosted by Ms Pia Hontiveros, it airs every Tuesday@8PM.





AYON SA MGA BITUIN

31 01 2010

ANO ANG SINASABI NG MGA BITUIN sa kapalaran ng siyam na kandidato sa pagkapangulo ngayong linggong ito? Narito.

Basahin, limiin, unawain, at seryosohin. Ngunit laging tandaan ang paalala ni Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ulitin natin. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, basahin nang malakas at imadyinin si Zenaida Seva habang binibigkas ang linya, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” At inulit mo naman. Masunuring bata!

Noynoy Aquino
February 8, 1960
Aquarius:
Iwasang magtungo sa Quiapo. Baka mapagbintangan kang bumibili ng survey.

Sa pag-ibig, magpapasya ka this week sa regalong ibibigay mo kay Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad sa Valentine’s Day. Huwag mo itong ipaalam kay Kris. Pagtatawanan ka lang niya at sasabihang “Gosh, how cheap!”

Hahabol sa kasikatan ng “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura” jingle ni Manny Villar ang NOY|NOY! jingle kung saan tinangka mong mag-rap katulad ng idolo mong si Vanilla Ice. Ngunit makabubuting panoorin ang ginawa mong pagsayaw sa naturang patalastas. Ginawa na ni Villar ang ganyang gimmick noong 2007. Utang na loob, huwag mo nang ulitin. Mukha kang tanga!

Sanga pala, may nag-text.
“Patahimikin mo na kami. Huwag mo na kaming isali d’yan. Matanda ka na. Alam mo na ang dapat mong gawin. Good luck.” All the best, Daddy Ninoy & Mommy Cory

JC De Los Reyes
February 14, 1970
Aquarius:
Saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong tapang at determinasyong tumakbo sa pagkapangulo ng ating bansa. Ngunit mas sasaludo sila sa ‘yo kung ikaw ay uurong.

Joseph Estrada
April 19, 1937
Aries:
Hindi ka si Harry Houdini. Hindi ka rin si David Copperfield. At lalong hindi ka si David Blaine. Pero ang tanong ng mga bituin: bakit hanggang ngayon ay nabubuhay ka pa rin sa illusion?

Patuloy na bebenta ang iyong mga jokes sa mga presidential forum. Ikaw ang aani ng pinakamalakas na tawanan at palakpak mula sa crowd. Subalit ipinapayo ng mga bituin na limitahan ang dami ng binibitawan mong jokes. Baka mapagkamalan kang si Dolphy at kunin kang endorser ni Villar.

Richard Gordon
August 5, 1945
Leo:
Bilib ang mga bituin sa talas at husay ng iyong utak lalo na sa mga debate at presidential forum. Ngunit mag-ingat sa napakabilis na pagsasalita. Baka malunok mo ang iyong maigsing dila. Iisa pa lamang ang successful tongue transplant sa mundo.

Limitahan din ang paggamit sa Subic at Olongapo sa mga debate. Given na ‘yon. Sinuwerte ka lang dahil doon ka nahalal na alkalde. Kung ikaw ang naging mayor ng Siayan town sa Zamboanga del Norte na may poverty incidence na 97.46 percent, baka wala ring gaanong nagawa ang matabil mong dila.

Isang unsolicited advice lang po mula sa mga bituin: palitan n’yo na ang iyong TV ad na ang musikang gamit ay “Silent Night.’ Pebrero na ngayon.

Nicanor Perlas
January 10, 1950
Capricorn:
May walong araw pa bago opisyal na magsimula ang campaign period kung saan inaasahang gagastos nang todo-todo ang mga kandidato. Dahil sa mababang rating sa survey, mahihirapan kang kumalap ng campaign contributions.

Habang abala sa paghahanap ng financial support, makakatanggap ka ng ‘good news’ at ‘not so good news’ bago matapos ang linggong ito. Ang good news: susuportahan ka ng pamilya Ayala. Ang ‘not so good news’ – ng pamilya ni Joey Ayala: karaniwang tao.

Pinupuri ng mga bituin ang iyong mga nagawa bilang advocate ng malinis at maayos na kapaligiran at kalikasan. Dahil diyan, mananalo ka! Mananalo ka sa May 10… kung papayagang bumoto ang mga puno.

Gilbert Teodoro
June 14, 1964
Gemini:
Iwasang makunan ng larawan kasama ang isang babaeng may nunal sa kaliwang pisngi. May dalang kamalasan ‘yan. Mas lalong iwasang makunan ng larawan kasama ang isang ginoong napakalaki ng katawan ngunit napakaliit ng boses. Doble ang kamalasang dala niyan.

Mauungusan mo sa susunod na survey sina Noynoy at Villar… kung sa La Salle campus gagawin ang survey.

Posibleng umagaw ng boto sa ‘yo ang isang female presidential candidate na berde rin ang campaign color. Malas mo lang dahil pareho pa kayo ng gupit. Remedyuhan habang maaga.

Manny Villar
December 13, 1949
Sagittarius:
Sa pananalapi: napakasuwerte mo. Ni singko ay wala kang utang. Umuulan ang iyong pera kaya naman bumabaha ang iyong political ads.

Dahil sa ‘yo, muling mag-iinit ang Senado sa linggong ito. Consistent kang tao. May isang salita. Hindi ka sisipot sa pagdinig ng plenaryo. Kaya’t patuloy na magtatanong ang taong-bayan: guilty or not guilty? Dahil sa patuloy na pag-iwas mo sa iyong mga accusers, malamang na iwasan ka na rin ng mga botante. Ang payo ng mga bituin: simulan mo na ang paghahanap ng tindahang nagbebenta ng suwerte. Kakailanganin mo ‘yan ngayong Mayo.

Babala: kung ayaw mong umuwing may black eye, iwasan ang isang babaeng may initials na JM. May maitim siyang balak sa ‘yo. Matagal ka na niyang hina-hunting. Clue sa katauhan ng babae: mukha siyang lalaki.

Jamby Madrigal
April 26, 1958
Taurus:
Kung may mga sanggol na ipinaglihi sa hilaw na mangga, maasim na siniguelas, o hinog na duhat, naniniwala ang mga bituin na ikaw naman ay ipinaglihi sa sama ng loob. Tila malaki ang kinikimkim mong galit sa pulitiko man o sa mga kamag-anak mo. Isa kang ‘bully’ sa iyong past life.

Babala ng mga bituin: Chill. Baka dumating ang araw na maubusan ka ng maaaway at ibaling mo ang iyong galit sa iyong sarili.

Sa pag-ibig, walang gaanong pagbabagong nakikita ang mga bituin. Masyadong maulap ang aspetong romantiko ng iyong buhay.

Sa pulitika, sinabi mo last week na hindi ka naniniwala sa mga surveys. ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Hindi rin sila naniniwala sa ‘yo! Quits lang pare.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva
October 6, 1946
Libra:
Ang katulad mong Born-Again Christian at spiritual leader ay hindi naniniwala sa mga hula.
Ang sabi ng mga bituin: ‘Pwes, hindi rin kami naniniwala sa ‘yo.’
Wala kang horoscope!

_____________
“There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as “nutty methods.” Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as ‘a complete waste of time.’”
~ Scott Adams

Survey Says
Your unsolicited advice to Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.:
Face your Senate accusers! 67%
Ignore them! 9%
Bahala ka sa buhay mo! 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Stay safe!





KRIS AND NOY

17 01 2010

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:6MYP7DK2w8UXWM%3Ahttp://midfield.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/cerge-remonde.jpg BREAKING NEWS: The Cerge is over. May he rest in peace.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES had a really busy schedule last week. Gilbert Teodoro, Richard Gordon, and Manny Villar debated on foreign policies. Noynoy Aquino dealt with some domestic issues.


The Kris Aquino-James Yap Saga
Last Wednesday, Kris Aquino reportedly stormed the residence of a certain Mayen Austria who’s been linked to the TV host’s husband, James Yap. Even from afar, witnesses knew it was Kris Aquino mainly because she was carrying a torch and was accompanied by Boy Abunda, Dingdong Dantes, Ogie Alcasid, Marian Rivera, Regine Velasquez, Anne Curtis, and Ai-ai De Las Alas.

Kris Aquino spoke on “The Buzz” about the Valleverde 2 incident involving her and Mayen Austria. Kris denied that she hurled invectives and insults at Mayen and her mother last Wednesday. The TV host also defended her brother, presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino whose name has been dragged into the controversy. This just in! AGB Nielsen’s ratings for Sunday: The Buzz (ABS-CBN):18%; Showbiz Central (GMA7):10%, and Noynoy Aquino (LP): 44%!

Kris Aquino spoke at length about the state of her marriage on nationwide TV. She said “I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried” to which God said, “Idinamay na naman ako!”

Addressing her husband James live on “The Buzz,” TV host Kris Aquino said, “If you wanted this marriage to work, fix yourself first.” When James Yap heard this, he took a quick shower, shaved his beard, and sprayed perfume all over his body.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino told reporters that he had not given Kris any advice yet. He’s still consulting with his advisers on what advice to give her.

Kris Aquino reveals that 35-year-old Mayen Austria has been sending cakes and chocolates to James Yap. When Sen. Noynoy Aquino heard this, he advised his brother-in-law to return the goodies. But he promised James, “Ibibili na lang kita sa Quiapo.”

Conrado De Quiros is writing about the Kris Aquino-Mayen Austria controversy. De Quiros believes the issue is a battle between good and evil.

Top 5 Reactions of Presidential Candidates to the Kris-James-Mayen Controversy

No. 5: Jamby Madrigal: “Sexy ba ‘yung Mayen?”

No. 4: Gilbert Teodoro: “Judge her as her; not as a loyal supporter of Purefoods TJ Giants.”

No. 3: Joseph Estrada: “Let the people decide kung pwede pa ulit mambabae si James. Vox populi, vox Dei, the voice of the people is the voice of God.”

No. 2: Richard Gordon: “It’s not Mayen’s face that matters here. It’s the true account of the incident that matters. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: sa Subic, bawal ang tamad. Sa Subic, bawal ang kabit. Sa Subic, bawal ang taksil.”

And the No. 1 reaction of a presidential candidate to the Kris-James-Mayen controversy…

Manny Villar: “Bago tayo humusga, tingnan muna natin ang track record ni James Yap. Ano na ba’ng mga ginawa niya?”

Sugod Kris, Sugod!
To be interpreted by Sen. Noynoy Aquino to the tune of “Sugod,” a monster hit from rock group Sandwich
[Note: I highly recommend that you right click here first for the official video of this very catchy tune to fully enjoy singing the song.]

Sugod aking kapatid
Sa kabit ng ‘yong asawa
Ikumpronta’t ipahiya pa
Talakan hanggang umaga!

I-text mo na sina Boy at Jobert
Lagyan ng wax
Ang buhok para mukhang galit
Ilabas mo na
Hermes bag at LV
Hanep pumorma
Papuntang guerra!

Isang linggong pinag-isipan
Isang buwan mong inabangan
Surveillance sa ‘yong asawa
Ngayon pa ba, uurong ka? (Hala bira!)

Sugod aking kapatid
Sa kabit ng ‘yong asawa
Para que ‘pat ika’y taklesa
Lektyuran mo hanggang umaga!

In Other News…
Heard about Cong. Jules Ledesma? Reports say the husband of sexy star Assunta De Rossi is the most notorious chronic absentee of the House of Representatives. For the entire 2009, Ledesma only showed up twice in Batasan – first, during President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address in June, and second, when he collected his salary in December. Sorry I forgot, he actually showed up thrice. The third one was when he received the “Ghost Employee of the Year” award.

Reports say Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma, a chronic absentee, showed up at the House of Representatives just twice for the entire 2009… to which sexy star Assunta De Rossi said, ‘Well, Batasan is much luckier. In 2009, he showed up in our bedroom only once!”

Pacquiao Update
Manny Pacquiao has been tested negative for performance-enhancing drugs. The result is not surprising since we all know that Pacquiao doesn’t need drugs to perform well. If there’s someone who needs it more, it’s Jules Ledesma!
________
“Her mouth is a honey-blossom, No doubt, as the poet sings; But within her lips, the petals, Lurks a cruel bee that stings.”
~ William D. Howells

Survey Says
Do you think presidential surveys, in general are credible?
OO NAMAN. 27%
PARANG HINDI. 39%
Itigil na kasi ‘yan! 34%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy the rest of the week!





QUIZ TIME!

13 01 2010

YOU’VE SEEN THEM debate on TV. You’ve heard them trade barbs on radio, and you’ve read about them online and in the papers. But really, how well do you know your favorite candidates? Are you monitoring their activities religiously? How updated are you with the goings-on in our country? Take this short quiz to find out.

1) At a forum held last January 9, 2010 at De La Salle-Zobel School in Alabang, Muntinlupa City, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino was asked to comment on his declining lead over Sen. Manny Villar based on the latest Social Weather Stations survey. What did Noynoy say?
A: “Bigyan n’yo po muna ako ng pagkakataong makapag-retreat ng tatlong araw upang makunsulta ko na rin ang Pink Sisters hinggil sa bagay na ‘yan. Maraming salamat po sa inyong pang-unawa.”
B: “Ah, may survey na matino, may survey na nabibili siguro sa Quiapo.”
C: “Sandali. May prepared statement ako tungkol d‘yan.”

2) Complete this line from Sen. Manny Villar’s TV ad: “Nakaligo ka na ba sa _____ __ ______?
A: “… dagat ng pera”
B: “… double budget na kalsada”
C: “… dagat ng basura”

3) What was the title of the Rico Blanco-penned composition allegedly used without permission by Gilbert Teodoro in his political advertisement?
A: Posible
B: Sorry Na, Pwede Ba
C: Nakaw na Sandali

4) “It is not Facebook that matters here; it is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts.” Who said this line to whom?
A: Sen. Loren Legarda to Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising
B: Sen. Richard Gordon to Sen. Noynoy Aquino
C: Sen. Manny Villar to his wife Cynthia

5) When Sen. Francis Escudero quit the Nationalist People’s Coalition, he said, “Sinuman pong nagpaplanong tumakbo bilang pangulo ng bansa, wala dapat partidong kinabibilangan. Ang partido lamang dapat niya ay _____________.”
A: “Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas”
B: “Partidong handang maglaan ng malaking pondo para sa kampanya.”
C: “Pilipinas.”

6) According to defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun, Maguindanao massacre principal suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr could speak neither English nor Filipino. Fortun insisted that Andal was conversant only in what language?
A: A mix of Yiddish and Basque
B: Maguindanaoan
C: F*ck Fortun! F*ck both of them! Liars!

7) Manny Villar : Gilbert Remulla | | Joseph Estrada : Margaux Salcedo | |
Noynoy Aquino : _____________?

A: Edwin Lacierda
B: Conrado De Quiros
C: SNN & The Buzz

8: Identify the three members of the Commission on Elections Second Division who junked the application for accreditation of the party-list group “Ang Ladlad” for allegedly “tolerating immorality.”
A: Larry, Curly, and Moe
B: Nicodemo Ferrer, Lucenito Tagle and Ellias Yusoph
C: Judas, Barrabas, and Hestas

9) In defending the poll body’s rejection of Ang Ladlad’s application for party-list accreditation, Comelec 2nd Division chairman Nicodemo Ferrer once said…
A: “They’re just not my type!”
B: “Gays are overly represented in Congress.”
C: “God knows Hudas not straight.”

10) Of the three Jun Lozadas shown here, who is running for senator?
A:
B:
C:

11) “Madami pa siyang makikilalang iba na single ‘di ba? Bakit kailangan pang sa may asawa?” Who said this line to whom?
A: Loi Estrada to Guia Gomez
B: Jinkee Pacquiao to Krista Ranillo
C: Angela Montenegro-Arroyo to Rufa Mae Quinto

12) What moniker was coined by Gilbert Remulla to describe presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal whom he accused of originating “unsubstantiated allegations” and “false claims” against her adversaries?
A: “Kuryente Queen”
B: “King of Hurts”
C: “Jack of All Tirades”

[Answers are found at the end of the blog post.]

Photo of the Weak
Ano ang angkop na caption, pamagat o deskripsyon sa larawang ito?

A: “Kung wala lang ‘yang security aide mo, inupakan na kita.”
B: “Akalain mo ‘yun?! Inabot ka ng nine years samantalang ako, ‘di man lang nakatatlo.”
C: “Sige, ngiti ka lang. Tingnan ko lang kung makangiti ka pa ‘pag nanalo si Noynoy.”
D: “Shabi ko na nga ba eh! After nine yearsshh, after nine long yearss, bitter ka pa rin.”
E: “O, may newsh crew. ‘Wag sishimangot unlessh gushto mong pag-ushapan tayo.”
________
“Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one’s conquests.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Survey Says
If Joseph Estrada decides to quit the race, who would benefit the most?
NOYNOY AQUINO 41%
GILBERT TEODORO 12%
MANNY VILLAR 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
- Here’s a fearless forecast: Karen Davila will eventually transfer to ABC5 now that her husband, DJ Sta. Ana has joined the News and Public Affairs department of Mediaquest Holdings’ newest acquisition.

- Loyal viewers of TV5′s T.E.N. (The Evening News) hosted by the amiable trio of veteran journalists Jove Francisco, Martin Andanar and Cherry Mercado have appealed to Mediaquest Holding’s supreme god Manny V. Pangilinan NOT to cancel the news program.

- Here’s the list of the World’s Best and Worst Jobs 2010

Stay healthy!
________________________
Answers to Quiz
1B 2C 3A 4B 5C 6B 7A 8B 9B 10A 11B 12A





TIRADES

6 01 2010

AFTER A LONG VACATION, we all returned to work this week. Some were really excited because they love their job. Others may not exactly take pride in what they’re doing but at the end of the day, it’s the huge paycheck that matters. Ask Sigfrid Fortun.


The Ampatuan Trial
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, amid flashing camera bulbs and murmuring from spectators, Andal Ampatuan Jr. looked “bored” when he arrived at Camp Crame for his arraignment. That’s understandable though since Andal is not used to being surrounded by people… who are alive.

During the arraignment, defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun revealed that Andal Ampatuan Jr. was neither conversant in English nor Filipino. His English vocabulary is very limited. In fact, Andal Jr. only knows one verb and one pronoun: “kill” and “them.”

Although Andal Ampatuan Jr. had difficulty expressing himself in English, his lawyer Sigfrid Fortun was quick to adjust to the situation. It helped that Fortun once had a client named Joseph Estrada.

Trivia (No cheating please. Bawal mag-Google!)
Of these four local Mindanao executives, who had a cameo in the 2005 movie “Sablay Ka Na, Pasaway Ka Pa” topbilled by presidential son Mikey Arroyo?
A: Sultan Kudarat Governor Suharto ‘Teng’ Mangudadatu
B: ARMM Governor Zaldy Uy Ampatuan
C: Sultan Kudarat Rep. Datu Pax Mangudadatu
D: Former Maguindanao Governor Andal Ampatuan Sr.

Make a quick guess before you right click here for the answer.

Wala ‘Yan sa Lolo Ko!
According to the Philippine Star, the Liberal Party is deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for presidential bet Noynoy Aquino
… to which Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar said, “Wala ‘yan sa guest candidates kong sina Liza Maza at Satur Ocampo! May 40-year-old ‘Red Army.’”

Reports say the Liberal Party is deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for its presidential bet Noynoy Aquino…
… to which former GMA 7 reporter and senatorial candidate Alex Tinsay said, “Wala ‘yan kay Brother Eddie! May 5 million-strong “Prayer Warriors!”

The Liberal Party is reportedly deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for presidential bet Noynoy Aquino…
… to which a staunch administration ally said, “Wala ‘yan sa Lakas-Kampi-CMD! May libu-libong counting machines!”

New Facebook Fight
Reacting to an Inquirer article that Noynoy Aquino has the most number of Facebook followers among the eight presidential candidates, Sen. Richard Gordon says, “It is not Facebook that matters here. It is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts. Ano ang kakayahan ni Noynoy Aquino sa local government? Hindi pa siya nasubukan ni sa barangay captain. Even in legislature, ano ang batas na nagawa niya na nararamdaman na ng taong-bayan?” Noynoy Aquino vowed to answer Gordon’s tirade point by point as soon as he has finished harvesting strawberries on Farmville.

New Facebook Fight II
Reacting to Sen. Richard Gordon’s statement on Sen. Noynoy Aquino and his Facebook supporters, Aquino’s spokesman Edwin Lacierga says “Gordon just wants attention so his ratings will rise as well.” Lacierga adds Noynoy himself will answer Gordon’s diatribe as soon as the senator finishes decorating his newly constructed house on Pet Society.

Toilet Campaign?
Presidential economic spokesperson Gary Olivar says the MMDA’s plan to install green toilets for women under footbridges will be an advantage to Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro whose campaign motif is green. But die-hard supporters of the Liberal Party are unfazed, with one Noynoy Aquino fanatic saying, “Eh ano naman kung berde ang toilet? Bakit… ano ba ang kulay ng t*e?” [Ewww!]

Petition vs. Leftists
Leftist lawmaker Liza Maza dismissed as “baseless” a disqualification case filed against her and fellow senatorial candidate Satur Ocampo for being supporters of armed rebels (CPP-NPA). I am not sure what was funnier: the disqualification petition or the denial.

Showbiz: Angel and Efren
Interviewed on ABS-CBN, Angel Locsin revealed that CNN Hero of the Year Efren Peñaflorida Jr. was planning to court her. Sought for comment by GMA News, Kuya Ef confirmed Locsin’s revelation. [My lips are sealed... for now.]
__________
“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”
~Coco Chanel

Survey Says
Do you believe in “feng shui?”
YES, Wala namang mawawala eh. 33%
NO! Kalokohan ‘yan. 46%
Kung good, oo. Kung nega, hindi. 21%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





WELCOME, 2010!

3 01 2010

Happy New Year everyone! First, some good news…

Wesley So
Pinoy chess whiz Wesley So is now ranked 76th in the world. He is the highest-rated Filipino chesser today with a rating of 2656 based on the ELO system used by the World Chess Federation. Of course, if the system used was that of Pulse Asia or SWS, Noynoy Aquino would be No. 1.

Wesley So II
Chess whiz Wesley So is the No. 1 ranked chesser in the country today. But Sen. Manny Villar is confident he could narrow the gap and eventually catch him up.

Facebook Friends
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Noynoy Aquino has the most number of Facebook friends and supporters. Sen. Manny Villar is in second while Atty. Gilbert Teodoro is in third. Trailing them is deposed president Joseph Estrada who is nonetheless unfazed mainly because, as of press time, he has the most number of friends in SexyPinay.Com.

New Year Casualties
Contrary to the initial claim of the Health Department, 2009 was not a safer year than 2008 in terms of firecracker-related injuries. A total of 807 people were injured in 2009 – 18 percent more than last year’s tally of 683. According to the DOH, the five most popular firecrackers used from December 21, 2009 to January 2, 2010 were piccolo,1st; kwitis, 2nd; five-star, 3rd; pla-pla, 4th; and whistle bomb, 5th. Now here’s the weird part of that report: in 6th place was Noynoy Aquino. [Na naman!?]

Overseas
The Galeras volcano in southeastern Colombia erupted Saturday night, but there were no immediate reports of deaths or injuries. Now here’s the surprising part, Colombians who survived the disaster are thanking Albay Gov. Joey Salceda for the rescue efforts.

The Pope’s Message
In his traditional New Year’s Day Mass, Pope Benedict XVI called for peace and tolerance, and the protection of children from violence. He also advised parishioners to be vigilant, and avoid women in red, hooded sweat shirts.

Happy New Year!
A Postscript

It’s already the third day of a new year and a new decade, but fascinating trivia about our politicians’ New Year’s Eve celebration just keep on coming! Indulge!

Unknown to many, President Arroyo has remained superstitious. On New Year’s Eve, she jumped 12 times.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada believes in numerology. At 8 o’clock on New Year’s Eve, he displayed eight of his favorite fruits on the table. The next day at exactly 8 am, he gave them away to his eight mistresses.

Before midnight last December 31, Erap also tried to settle his differences with Sen. Panfilo Lacson by sending him a New Year’s Day gift. But Lacson was reportedly miffed when he opened the box and found a roll of sinturon ni Hudas.

Sen. Loren Legarda never fails to welcome the New Year with a bang. Her favorite firecracker is the super lolo!

Sen. Noynoy Aquino welcomed the New Year solemnly and peacefully: no fireworks, no firecrackers. He only lit a pack of Marlboro Lights.

Sen. Lito Lapid suffered from poisoning on New Year’s Eve. He reportedly tried to play the piccolo, which he thought was a musical instrument.

Sen. Richard Gordon didn’t have to rely on firecrackers to drive away evil spirits on New Year’s Eve. At the stroke of midnight, he just kept talking.

“When the clock strikes 12,” a feng shui expert tells Cong. Mikey Arroyo, “open all doors and windows so that good luck will flow into your house” to which Mikey replied, “Which house?”

To sustain his good fortune, Sen. Manny Villar didn’t just open doors and windows. He opened the gates of his subdivisions.

Finally, Sen. Mar Roxas reportedly earned the ire of Korina Sanchez on New Year’s Eve. The lady broadcaster was quoted to have complained that, “Hirap na hirap magpaputok si Mar.”
__________
“I’m superstitious… but not like wear the same underwear for two weeks superstitious.”
~Kate Hudson

Elsewhere
From Rushes: the gossip column of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
“A local power couple joins Hollywood stars Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in the list of those who separated after years of partnership. The man is an industry leader, while his wife is the sister of a Top Singer. Friends of the Power Couple expressed sadness over the separation, which they hope is only temporary.”

Can you guess who they are?

Have a safe and productive week ahead!





RACE ROUNDUP

4 12 2009

IN DECLARING her bid for a Congressional seat in Pampanga, President Arroyo said, “Public service is emblazoned on my DNA.” Geneticists who were monitoring the announcement on TV almost believed Mrs. Arroyo’s claim about the quality of her DNA… until they saw Mikey Arroyo.

Contrary to initial reports, President Arroyo is running against three opponents in next year’s elections. They were identified as… Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao.

A day after Joseph Estrada filed his certificate of candidacy, former congressman Mark Jimenez filed his own CoC. Two ex-convicts are now running for president. Welcome to the Philippines!

Sen. Richard Gordon has joined his nephew, Olongapo City Councilor John Carlos “JC” Gordon De Los Reyes in the presidential derby. With neither uncle nor nephew expected to give way, observers predict a very tight race… for fifth place.

Former MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando, who has been very vocal about his presidential ambitions has decided to run for vice president instead. He is now seeking the endorsement of the Pink Sisters.

Joseph Estrada reportedly got pissed when Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. used his trademark “orange” as official campaign color. This prompted Estrada’s advisers to adopt ‘tangerine’ instead as their new color – a move that further incensed the former president who found it hard to spell ‘tangerine.’

Reelectionist senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. of Lakas-Kampi-CMD is a guest candidate of at least four other political parties: Partido ng Masang Pilipino, Nationalist People’s Coalition, Nacionalista Party, and Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino. But that was nothing compared to Sen. Mar Roxas who used to be a guest on at least five: Wowowee, A.S.A.P., The Buzz, SNN, and Rated K.

While other presidentiables filed their certificates of candidacy with throngs of supporters, nobody (not even her husband) accompanied Sen. Jamby Madrigal when she filed her CoC. Jamby was a ‘one-man team.’

Former senator and Dangerous Drugs Board chairman Vicente “Tito” Sotto III will run for senator under the banner of the Nationalist People’s Coalition. He is also a guest candidate… on Eat Bulaga – daily.

The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party announced Tuesday that lawyer Raul Lambino would be one of its senatorial candidates in the 2010 polls. Two days later though, he was dropped from the slate after he tried to change the party’s charter.

The Commission on Elections has announced that it has discovered a simple but sure way of determining the precise number of morons in the country through next year’s elections. Thanks to the re-election bid of Sen. Lito Lapid.

Ateneo De Manila University professor Danton Remoto will run for senator as an independent candidate. He is open to alliances though but as to which party, he doesn’t know yet. He’s confused.

Television reporter Alex Tinsay is running for senator under Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s ticket. Tinsay, a veteran reporter on GMA 7 has opted to quit his career in broadcast journalism… after getting tired of pretending he’s got one.

According to Comelec, 75 percent of those who filed for national posts were not serious. To illustrate: say, you have Jamby, Erap, Ely Pamatong, and Mark Jimenez… remove the 75 percent and you’re left with Ely Pamatong.

THIS JUST IN!
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 43 percent of respondents would “surely not vote for” a presidential candidate endorsed by President Arroyo. Asked if he’d still seek GMA’s endorsement, Gilbert Teodoro said, “Sino ‘yon?”

In Local Politics…
Incumbent Batangas governor, Vilma Santos is seeking re-election. Her husband, former senator Ralph Recto is seeking redemption.

Former First Lady Imelda Marcos is making a political comeback. She just filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Ilocos Norte’s second district. Her campaign slogan? “The shoe must go on.”

President Arroyo’s staunch ally, Mrs. Lilia Pineda will try her luck again in Pampanga’s gubernatorial race against re-electionist priest-on-leave Among Ed Panlilio. Asked about her chances of winning, a very confident Pineda answered, “Katorse/sais! Tumbok ng otsenta/sahod ng beinte.”

Former Presidential Chief of Staff Mike Defensor is running for mayor of Quezon City against outgoing vice mayor Herbert Bautista. Herbert is keeping the location of his headquarters a secret for fear that Defensor will conduct a raid to “rescue” the actor’s supporters.

Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Jr., son of outgoing Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is running for mayor in 2010 – a move that surprised Makati voters who thought that the Binay family [rulers of the city for 23 years now] would endorse their very loyal vice mayor Nestor Mercado for the post. Asked why he refused to give way to Mercado, Junjun Binay said, “because public service is emblazoned on my DNA, too.”

For the first time in the history of Makati City and perhaps, the country’s local politics, the two frontrunners in the mayoral race are both black.

Still in Makati, Cong. Teddyboy Locsin and former congressman Butz Aquino have severed ties with Mayor Jejomar Binay. The Binay family’s control of Makati is now down to 98 percent.

The People’s Champ, Manny Pacquiao made true his promise (or threat) to file his CoC for representative of the lone district of Sarangani Province. To articulate his vision for the province, Pacman has named an official spokesperson: Michael Buffer. [Altogether now: Leeet’s get ready to rumble!]

And finally, Aiko Melendez, Roderick Paulate, Ara Mina, Alfred Vargas, Arnell Ignacio, Isko Moreno, Daisy Reyes, Lani Mercado, Rico J. Puno, Jestoni Alarcon, Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Anjo Yllana, Joey Marquez, Alma Moreno, Gian Sotto, Dan Fernandez, Marjorie Barretto, and Jigo Garcia all filed their CoCs for various posts in next year’s elections. The number of celebrities who came out last Tuesday was so huge, Comelec officials thought Noynoy Aquino was shooting another TV ad.
_________
“An election cannot give a country a firm sense of direction if it has two or more national parties which merely have different names but are as alike in their principles and aims as two peas in the same pod.”
~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Postcript: Sa gitna ng piyesta at karnabal na nagaganap ngayon sa bansa dahil sa eleksyon, ang tanong ng bayan: meron pa ba tayong bise-presidente? Please lang po. Sakaling may impormasyon kayo hinggil sa taong nasa larawan, ipagbigay-alam lamang sa pinakamalapit na presinto. Marami pong salamat.

Survey Says
Your take on President Arroyo’s decision to seek a Congressional seat in Pampanga:
It’s her right. Hayaan na natin. :15%
Immunity from suit ang habol niya! 67%
Who cares, Care Bears? 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

I’ve Got Mail!
From Philippine Star columnist Billy Esposo:
US Ambassador Kristie Kenney: “After several years, our people recovered from 9/11.
I pray that the Filipino people will soon recover from the 4’11.”

Have a great weekend!





PRESSED RELEASE

4 04 2009

red_cross_mary Hostage Freed
The government says there was no ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf Group for the release of International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba. Did you know what the terrorists sought instead? Blood donation for their wounded members.

gordon_cry In a phone-patched interview over a TV newscast minutes after Lacaba’s release, Philippine National Red Cross chairman Sen. Richard Gordon said he wanted to cry… but decided to “control” it when he realized he was just on the phone, not on camera.

ICRC volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba was held hostage by terrorists for 77 days. If she were an ABS-CBN reporter, Abu Sayyaf bandits would have been counting millions of pesos by Day 9.

ladyann2 By now you must be all familiar with Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla – the mediator for the government who facilitated the release of Lacaba. Here’s the strange thing. Ms Vice Governor has access to the Abu Sayyaf lair. She’s been in and out of their hideout. She mingles with them. She talks to them. She negotiates with them. And she does it with so much ease. Is she an “honorary member?”

The Abu Sayyaf terrorists still holding two foreign hostages threatened on Friday night to execute their remaining captives. Infuriated, DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno warned the bandits that if they execute the hostages, the military would execute the Vice Governor.

ladyann Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla is in the news again following the release of Mary Jean Lacaba. She’s been in the news before, when Ces Drilon and her crew were kidnapped… which makes me wonder: does Sulu province even have a governor?

Just a random thought: if the First Gentleman would be doing what Sahidullah does, would he settle for a mere five percent?

Travel Advisory
Canada is advising its citizens to avoid traveling to Mindanao. The Department of Foreign Affairs understood but subtly protested the advisory saying the Philippines is a perfectly safe place for foreign nationals… unless of course, your name is Chip Tsao.

arasison Murder Charges vs. Ka Joma
I’m sure you’ve heard the news. Dutch prosecutors have dropped the criminal charges filed against CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison in connection with the murder of his two former comrades turned critics Romulo Kintanar and Arturo Tabara. Dutch prosecutors decided to junk the charges because the murder weapon was never found – a remote control.

angsee Kidnapping Cases
Anti-crime advocate Teresita Ang-See has noted a rise in kidnapping cases as the 2010 election nears, to which the Sulu Vice Governor said, “Eh ba’t nakatingin ka sa ‘kin!”

bar_topnotch Bar Exam Results
San Sebastian Law School’s Judy Lardizabal who obtained her bachelor’s degree in social work from the University of the Philippines topped the 2008 Bar Exams in which five Ateneo law graduates finished in the top 10. When a La Sallista heard this he said, “Sus! Lahat ng mga ‘yan dumaan sa La Salle! Sa’n ba ang venue ng bar exam, ‘di ba sa ‘min?!”

Briefly Noted
Have you seen Mar Roxas’ latest TV commercial where he was shown driving a pedicab? Oh I admire politicians. They never run of out of creative ways to redefine “kaplastikan.”

___________
“RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.”
~ Ambrose Bierce





FASHION VICTIM

26 03 2009

boyet_f The Boyet Fajardo Story
By now, you must be all familiar with Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo. But in case you’re not… let me tell you who he is. Boyet Fajardo is the week’s second most unpopular newsmaker – next only to Manny Pacquiao.

The Boyet Fajardo Story II
Boyet Fajardo, the fashion designer who humiliated two Duty Free employees by shouting invectives & expletives at them has apologized. But Fajardo insisted – hurling invectives and expletives at the employees was actually an idea of ABS-CBN lawyers.

Did you hear the news? Boyet Fajardo has apologized to the employees of Duty Free Philippines. GMA 7 is now offering him a TV show.

boyet_f2 The Boyet Fajardo Story III
Controversial fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry, he replied, “Heller! Pasalamat nga kayo at nag-apologize pa ako! Si Jalosjos nga, 13 years na ‘di pa nag-so-sorry ‘noh!”

Embattled fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized for humiliating Duty Free Philippines employees last March 13. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry when he could have done it after two or three days, Fajardo replied, “Two days??? Who do you think I am? Pacquiao?!?”

The Boyet Fajardo Story IV boyet_f5
The employees union of Duty Free Philippines has filed a complaint before the Commission on Human Rights against designer Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo for his outburst inside the store’s outlet in Parañaque City last March 13. Trembling with fear and thinking of the worst scenario, Fajardo has started conceptualizing clothes designs – for inmates.

The Boyet Fajardo Story V
Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo, who humiliated two Duty Free employees has issued a public apology. But his lawyer insisted that the incident was just a “product of creative outburst.” Therefore I conclude, the lawyer is more gay than the client.

boyet_f3 The Boyet Fajardo Story VI
Did you know that Boyet Fajardo’s’ “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for nearly four hours? To give you an idea how long the “outburst” was, before Fajardo could even finish his “scene,” Manny Pacquiao has already signed three different contracts with two different networks!

Boyet Fajardo’s “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for several hours. To give you an idea how unusually long it was, “Nicole” was still a Filipina “rape victim” when it started. By the time Fajardo was done, “Nicole” was already an American bride.

The Boyet Fajardo Story VII
Duty Free Philippines rejected the apology of Boyet Fajardo. Embarrassed, the fashion designer will just apologize to Solar Sports and GMA 7.

This just in! The Professional Heckler has just received a call from Boyet Fajardo. The infamous fashion designer clarified that he was not a product of Ateneo. He’s actually a graduate of UST.

Kata-Quote!
“Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! At itong put*ng-inang babaeng ito at ang baklang ito ay mga walang kuwentang tao! I want them fired!”
~ Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo’s reaction when, – after presenting an unsigned credit card at the cashier – two Duty Free employees asked for another ID

ganewses In Other News…
President Arroyo said that 41,000 people in the Philippines have lost their jobs due to the global recession. The economy is so bad Boyet Fajardo’s boutiques have zero customers for three days now.

parad Searching for Parad
Aldaber Parad is reportedly wounded. You don’t know Aldaber Parad? Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo siya kilala? Si Aldaber Parad ang bagong lider ng Abu Sayyaf! At ‘yang mga put*ng inang supporters ng Abu Sayyaf at ng mga teroristang bumihag sa Red Cross volunteers ay mga walang kwentang tao! I want them fired (at)!

reccross Abu Sayyaf abductors of three International Committee of the Red Cross members gave authorities until Saturday, March 28, to order the pullout of all government forces in Sulu. Otherwise, they’ll either behead one of the hostages or worse, they’ll be compelled to make “sumbong” to Dick Gordon.

Abu Sayyaf leader Aldaber Parad appealed to fellow Muslims not to condemn their decision to kidnap three Red Cross volunteers. Parad explained that the incident was just a product of their “terroristic outburst.”

WB Road Projects Mess
The Office of the Ombudsman recommended the filing of charges against 17 past and present DPWH officials in connection with the World Bank-funded projects mess. The First Gentleman was not included in the rap sheet but the Ombudsman insisted that some members of the investigating body wanted to actually charge him. Asked how many members went against the First Gentleman, the Ombudsman answered, “Five percent.”

Another Recognition for Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been voted fighter of the year by the Boxing Writers Association of America. The group recognized Pacquiao for successfully fighting Solar Sports and GMA 7 resulting in his winning a contract with ABS-CBN, and then successfully fighting against ABS-CBN and winning back Solar Sports and GMA 7.

__________
“Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey.”
~ Anna Julia Cooper





UNLUCKY

29 12 2008

golf Pangandamans React
Personally, I felt rage when I saw the kid on TV crying. A first year high school student mauled by a town mayor, son of a Cabinet official. Grrrr! The boy’s face was badly bruised. To give you an idea how bad it was, when I saw his face on TV, I sort of appreciated what Vicki Belo did to her own.

Have you heard the news? The Pangandamans are reportedly filing a libel case against the victims. Insane! You did something bad. You become the subject of negative news. And then you file a libel case? Who do you think you are… the First Gentleman?!

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. apologized for the mauling incident at a golf course last Friday involving his son, Nasser Jr – mayor of Masiu, Lanao Del Sur. However, Pangandaman insisted “hindi kagustuhan ng bawat isa ito.” Wow. Are you telling us that while your son and his armed goons were attacking the boy, they were shouting, “Promise! Hindi namin ‘to gusto! Labag ito sa aming kalooban! Ayaw naming gawin ‘to!” Try again Mr. Secretary.

Didn’t you notice? Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. is all over the news – TV, radio, print, and the Internet – explaining, defending, and apologizing for his son’s despicable act. Here’s an appeal to our journalists: could someone please verify rumors that Nasser Jr was actually mute?

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. told the press, “Humihingi ako ng paumanhin sa nangyari. Hindi ko rin gusto ang nangyari.” When Sen. Richard Gordon heard this, he said, “Parang narinig ko na ‘yan ah… sa book launching ni JDV?”

Hopeful Pinoys
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 9 of 10 Filipinos are entering the New Year with hope rather than fear… unless of course they’re in a golf course with the Pangandamans.

Hopeful Pinoys II
In the latest SWS survey, the respondents were asked, “Ang darating na taon ba ay inyong sasalubungin ng may pag-asa o pangamba?” Many respondents answered: “Depende. Sa bahay o sa golf course?”

Manny’s Next Opponent
Latest reports say Puerto Rican boxer Miguel Cotto may be next in line for Manny Pacquiao. When Nasser Pangandaman Jr heard this, he said, “I think Cotto is too big for Manny. Does Cotto have a brother in first year high school?”

spel In Other News…
President Arroyo, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo and the entire First Family with some congressmen-friends went spelunking in Sagada, Ifugao, Mountain Province. Reports say they all enjoyed the caves… which was not really surprising since they’re used to that kind of environment. You know… darkness.

Personal
IT HAS BEEN A great year for me and for this blog. “The Professional Heckler” got recognized by the Philippine Blog Awards and continues to get noticed by more and more people in cyberspace. Wikipilipinas has also named this blog as one of the year’s… hmmm, basahin n’yo nga lang.

Thank you so much for making all these possible. I appreciate it. I admit – I’ve written some mean and nasty posts that may have offended some people. But I won’t apologize yet. Not until I have become an ex-president.

Again, maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat (I hope Brian Gorrell understands this one)! Have a safe and lucky New Year!

Starting today, I’ll have an online poll. Cast your vote now. It’s on the right side of your screen.

Lastly, do you believe in astrology? Here’s what in store for you in 2009, the Year of the Ox.
____________________

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
~Ray Kroc





PIRATES & PRAYERS

20 11 2008

Postscript to a Senate Coup
Did you hear about US President-elect Barack Obama’s pre-dawn call to President Arroyo last Tuesday? They say Malacañang is so proud of that one call… to which Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “That’s nothing! Before dawn last Tuesday, I received 13 calls.”

As of press time Thursday, both the Senate majority and minority were claiming Sen. Lito Lapid, the confused chairman of the games and amusements committee as their own – prompting the Kapampangan action star to complain, “Ewan ko nga ba sa mga ‘yan. Ang gulu-gulo at ang ingay-ingay sa session hall. Kulang na nga ako sa tulog eh.”

Sen. Francis Escudero wants the chairmanship of the powerful Blue Ribbon committee. Sen. Richard Gordon also wants the Blue Ribbon. Other senators want Alan Peter Cayetano to keep the Blue Ribbon. Everyone is desperate for the Blue Ribbon… except perhaps for Lito Lapid whose only craving is a Red Ribbon.

A Worried JDV
Reports say Cong. Jose De Venecia is worried about the upcoming new appointments in the Supreme Court. Two days ago, he got worried when Juan Ponce Enrile was installed Senate president. He is also worried Congress might totally junk the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. Kawawa naman ‘tong taong ‘to. Ayaw tigilan ng konsensya. Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?

Pulse Asia Survey
In the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia Inc, 58 percent of Filipinos said they were “losers” or “worse now” compared to last year. Sen. Manuel Villar and Cong. Jose De Venecia share the same sentiment.


Somali Pirates I
According to the Department of Foreign Affairs, the number of abducted Filipino seafarers being held hostage in waters off Somalia rose to 134 after another group of Somali pirates seized a merchant vessel with seven Filipinos on board. President Arroyo is calling on all Filipinos to pray for the safety of the hostages. She ordered Press Secretary Jesus Dureza to lead the prayer.

Somali Pirates II
Somali pirates hijacked Saudi oil super-tanker Sirius Star with 19 Filipinos on board. Sketchy reports say the Pinoy hostages were allowed to use mobile phones. Those who were able to call home assured their loved ones they are being treated humanely, with some pirates even promising them clothes, food, and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

__________
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
~Thomas Szasz








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