HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

24 12 2012

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Thank you everyone for another great year! Keep reading!
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Have a great one!

~The Professional Heckler

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MISSED UNIVERSE

20 12 2012

usa
MISS USA Olivia Culpo was crowned Miss Universe 2012. Janine Tugonon of the Philippines was first runner-up. If, for any reason, the new Miss Universe fails to fulfill her duties or does not survive the Apocalypse, Miss Philippines will take over.

Miss USA is Miss Universe 2012. If, for any reason, she fails to fulfill her duties, then she must be the president of America.

When Miss USA, Olivia Culpo was declared winner, she was ecstatic. Apparently, she wasn’t informed that her reign ends at 11:59PM on December 20.

trump
Miss Philippines-Universe lost the Miss Universe 2012 title to Miss USA. Tito Sotto is proposing at least 30 amendments to the Miss Universe criteria.

A panel of judges voted for Miss USA. The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines accused the White House of pressuring them.

Miss Philippines-Universe Janine Tugonon was outvoted by Miss USA. Catholic bishops threaten to bring the issue to the Supreme Court.

To be fair to the 2-hour Miss Universe telecast from Las Vegas, Catholic priests totally enjoyed it!

5
Filipino lawmakers also cheered for Janine Tugonon during the live telecast. All of them believed in her – although Congressman Crispin ‘Boying’ Remulla would have still abstained if he was a judge.

Miss Philippines Janine Tugonon didn’t win the Miss Universe title. The judges picked Miss USA. But Compubox scores showed the Filipina landed more punches than the American.

Janine Tugonon lost the Miss Universe title to Miss USA, Olivia Culpo. Janine dismissed rumors that she recently changed her religion.

Janine Tugonon lost. Can somebody confirm reports that Mitt Romney met with her before the pageant to say good luck?

venezuela
Miss Venezuela was stunning! When asked, ‘If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why,” she answered, “Kghtramljuate juatmdofh weksurg ftxiryd surfer. Pjhrygftgrt ertsg dnhuakrta law. Thank you Vegas!” She lost.

Miss China failed to make the cut but Beijing was still proud. The semifinalists wore swimsuits made by Chinese kids in Guangdong.

This year, Donald Trump and the Miss Universe Organization asked the public to tweet a question for the finalists. The top question that wasn’t read on the show was, “If the world’s going to end on Dec. 21, what the hell are you doing here in Las Vegas? Aren’t you supposed to be with your family?”

donald
Donald Trump opened the Miss Universe pageant in a Santa costume. For a moment, I thought the Mayan prophecy has begun.

Miss Philippines lost to Miss USA. And this just in: Bob Arum wants a rematch!
————————————————-
“Nature didn’t need an operation to be beautiful. It just was.”
~Scott Westerfeld, The Uglies Trilogy

OBAMA
TIME magazine picked US President Barack Obama as Person of the Year. I guess the killing of Abu Nazir nailed it for him.

untitledSound Bites
“For me, being Miss Universe is not about knowing how to speak a specific language. It’s about being able to influence and inspire other people. So whatever language you have, as long as your heart is to serve and you have a strong mind to show to people, then you can be Miss Universe.”
~Miss Universe-Philippines Janine Tugonon when asked by pageant judge Nigel Barker if English should be a prerequisite to becoming Miss Universe

Have a safe weekend! Happy Holidays!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters]





CORRUPTED

17 12 2012

PPContraception is Super Corruption
The pastoral letter that was not read on the first day of Simbang Gabi

Sa pagsisimula ng Misa De Gallo ngayon, ipinapaalala ko lang na kusang-loob kayong nagtungo rito. Hindi kayo pinilit, hindi kayo tinakot, at lalong hindi kayo binayaran. Samakatuwid, kung maghayag man ako ng saloobin laban sa RH Bill, you have no other choice kundi makinig. Sa mga sumusuporta sa nasabing panukalang batas, wala akong pakialam kung itweet n’yo pa ang mga sasabihin ko. Pakiusap ko lang, huwag kayong gagawa ng eksena rito. Moment ko ‘to.

Nagbabanta ang imoralidad sa Pilipinas. Ang tanong sa Lukas 3:10 – What shall we do then?

Inuulit ko ang posisyon ng Caring Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines: Conraception corrupts the soul. Ang pagkontrol sa pagpaparami ay gawa ng demonyo.

Ang mga mambabatas na pumapabor sa RH Bill ay pumapabor sa contraception. Samakatuwid, sila ay hindi kakampi ng Diyos. Sila ay nasa panig ng… nino?

[Parishioners no reaction]

Sila ay kakampi ng????

[Parishioners still no reaction]

Sumagot kayo! Ang mga mambabatas na pumapabor sa RH Bill ay pumapabor sa contraception. Samakatuwid ang kanilang mga kaluluwa ay corrupted. Sila ay kakampi ng…

Parishioners: Demonyo!

Kayo ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako! Jooooke! Pero tama kayo. Very goooood! Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Ipakita n’yo sa mga kinatawan n’yo sa Kongreso ang pagkakaisa ng mga Katoliko. Kung kayang mag-bloc vote ng Iglesia ni Kristo, kakayanin rin ng Romano Katoliko! O ‘di ba, rhyme!?

Sa Lunes, posible pang mabaligtad ang boto dahil animnapu’t apat pang kongresista ang absent noong nakaraang linggo. Maniwala tayo sa mirakulo! Kung si Jules Ledesma nga na once a year lang nagpapakita, biglang sumulpot… why not a change of heart for the pro-RH representatives?

ML
Sa pagkakataong ito, nais kong ipaabot ang papuri, pagmamahal at paghanga sa mga kinatawan mula sa Batangas at Cebu. Super sweep! Lahat sila ay bumoto upang ibasura ang RH Bill. Ngayon pa lang, sinasabi ko sa inyo, sa langit ang kanilang diretso! Sure na! Dahil ang pulitikong may takot sa Arsobispo ay mahal ng Diyos. Kung nagkasala man sila noon, patatawarin sila ngayon. Amen?!?

Parishioners: Amen!

Very gooood! Ang babait talaga n’yo! Agree kayo nang agree sa mga sinasabi ko. Sa langit din ang diretso n’yo! Amen?!

Parishioners: Amen!

Very good ulit! Alam n’yo kung sinong hindi very good!? Si Presidente Noynoy Aquino! Kung sa Amerika ay may dalawampung bata ang pinatay sa Connecticut, ang presidente n’yo naman gustong patayin ang dalawampung milyong batang Pilipino sa pamamagitan ng RH Bill! Panginoon ko! Kawaaan mo ang kaluluwa ng pangulong ito.

Ngunit hindi lahat ng pulitiko ay masama. Gusto kong tularan n’yo ang magandang ehemplong ipinapakita ng ating kakampi sa Senado: si Senador Juan Ponce Enrile. Kung hindi n’yo pa alam, ibinalik niya ang Christmas gift (biskwit na biscocho) mula sa RH Bill advocate na si Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Nagpapakatotoo lang siya. Besides, bakit naman kasi biscocho ang regalo? Ano ‘yan, lamay? To Senator Enrile… mabuhay ka! Nawa’y humaba pa ang buhay mo! Otherwise, sayang ang milyones na ginastos sa stem cell treatment. Ang corny ko na. Inaantok na kayo.

Sa isandaan at apat na kongresistang bumoto laban sa RH Bill, mga bayani kayo! Hinding-hindi kalilimutan ng Simbahan ang ginawa n’yo! Asahan n’yo ang suporta namin sa darating na Mayo. Maraming salamat sa matapang na paninindigan laban sa nakaambang kurapsyon ng moralidad sa bansang ito.

Sa mga kinatawang lumabag sa kagustuhan ng Panginoon, may oras pa para magbalik-loob kayo sa turo ng Simbahan. Makinig kayo sa mga pari at obispo dahil sila ang tunay na nakakaalam ng mali at tama. Sige kayo… mainit sa impyerno. Baka magsisi kayo.

Inuulit ko: Contraception is Super Corruption! Ulitin n’yo nga…

Parishioners: Contraception is Super Corruption!

Very goooooood! Dahil mabait kayo, saan ang diretso n’yo?

Parishioners: Sa langit!

Kayo ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako! Joooooke! God loves you. Tapos na ang ating pagdiriwang, humayo kayong mapayapa at may pagmamahal sa kapwa.

No to RH Bill!

Batangas Archbishop Perfecto Dinagkakamali
Secretary-General
Caring Bishops Conference of the Philippines
December 16, 2012


“The self-righteous feel no need to be charming, and thus double their offensiveness.”
~Mason Cooley

Quote of the Day
“I don’t understand why God can be all love and still inflict this kind of pain on people. This God is an underachiever. He does not do what he’s supposed to be doing whatever his sex is, whether it’s an it, or a he or a she, or whatever. But I’m sure that if you were a god or I were a god, I would be doing a better job. Therefore, the only conclusion can be that possibly, God does not exist.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Editorial): Contraception is NOT Corruption

Have a great week ahead! Happy Holidays!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LIFE AND DEATH

5 12 2012

elys
KATE MIDDLETON, Duchess of Cambridge is reportedly pregnant! And Tito Sotto was like, “Sabi ko sa inyo ‘di gumagana ang pills eh!”

Buckingham Palace has confirmed reports that Kate Middleton is pregnant! But Kate was quick to deny rumors that Jake Ejercito was the father.

Kate Middleton is having a baby! Albie Casiño’s mother wants a DNA test.

Popular Names
According to BabyCenter.Com, ‘Aiden’ and ‘Sophia’ are the most popular baby names for 2012. The least popular is ‘Tito.’

elysRIP: World’s Oldest
CNN reported that the world’s oldest person – a woman, just died. Besse Cooper was 116 years old – Or as Methuselah would say, “Infant!”

Besse Cooper, purportedly the world’s oldest person has died. She was 116 years old. If Cooper was Filipino, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still gets to vote in next year’s polls.

According to Sidney, one of Besse’s children, his mother always told them her best years were when she was “in her 80s.” To which Juan Ponce Enrile said, “I know, right!”

The world’s oldest person has died. The second oldest person can’t wait to assume the vacant title.

The oldest person in the world – Besse Cooper is dead. She was 116. Besse died of exhaustion after reading bed time stories to her 12 children, 45 grand children, and 22 great grand children.

Besse Cooper, the world’s oldest person died at 116. She experienced two world wars, witnessed man’s exploration of the moon, and saw the bombing of the World Trade Center. Unfortunately, she didn’t live long enough to read Pope Benedict XVI’s first tweet.

Late? It’s Fine!
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacy of a senatorial aspirant who failed to register before the deadline because of heavy traffic. The candidate, who represents Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s Bangon Pilipinas Movement was identified as Israel Virgines, middle name: Exception to the Rule.

The Comelec accepted the candidacy of senatorial aspirant Israel Virgines although he failed to meet the deadline for the filing of COC because of traffic. Thank you so much Comelec! I can’t wait to see him lose.

The Comelec accommodated Virgines just because he’s a member of an influential Church group according to some people. Those people are called “right!”

elysFEU Shooting
Three male students of Far Eastern University were shot by unidentified motorcycle-riding men Tuesday. Two of the victims have died. Reports say authorities are looking into a fraternity-war angle. How about ‘lack of security’ or ‘inutile police’ angle? Try n’yo.

Alfred’s Choice
Re-electionist Quezon City Councilor Alfred Vargas said, “”If ever lang naman na papiliin ako ng tadhana between showbiz and public service, I will choose public service.” To which ‘showbiz’ said, “’Buti naman!”
——————————————
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
~Mae West

Quotes Quiz
Who tweeted this:

“Bumili ako ng alamang sa palengke kanina at ginisa sa baboy, kamatis, bawang, at sibuyas. Bagoong! Kaunting nilagang talong, suka at sili at umuusok na kanin. Ayos na ang buto buto.”
A: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan
B: Cong. Dato Arroyo
C: DILG Sec. Mar Roxas
D: Cong. JV Ejercito

Enjoy the rest of the week. Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz:
A: Kiko Pangilinan





GOTCHA!

16 08 2012

“Bakit ko naman iku-quote ang blogger? Blogger lang ‘yon.”
~ Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III on allegations he plagiarized portions of his anti-Reproductive Health Bill speech from a foreign blogger


Reports say Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III plagiarized portions of his anti-RH Bill speech from a foreign blogger. The comedian/politician denied the allegation and challenged his detractors to prove the existence of the blogger by showing her birth certificate.

Several portions of Tito Sotto’s speech were the exact copy of a post written by foreign blogger Sarah Pope. Yup, kopyang-kopya. Very “Eat Bulaga Indonesia.”

Sarah Pope, a foreign blogger confirmed that portions of Sen. Tito Sotto’s speech were plagiarized from her work. This just in: Sotto confirmed that his speechwriters used to work for Manny V. Pangilinan.

Sen. Tito Sotto reportedly plagiarized portions of his speech from a blogger. Sotto is now in the running for Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.


On national television, anti-RH lawmaker Tito Sotto denied plagiarizing the work of a foreign blogger. Sotto’s speechwriters declined to be interviewed saying they’re busy updating their resumés.

Sarah Pope of the blog The Healthy Home Economist” confirmed that Senator Tito Sotto plagiarized her blog. Rumors say Sotto is drafting a letter of apology soon. He’s just looking for a template online.

Yet latest online reports reveal Tito Sotto plagiarized the work of not just one BUT four bloggers to be exact… prompting actress Cherie Gil to quip, “You’re nothing but a second-rate trying hard copy-paste!”

Breaking:
A bill that seeks to expel members of Congress and their staff who will plagiarize the work of bloggers and online writers was filed earlier today in the Lower House. The Anti-Copy/Paste Act of 2012 was authored by Shariff Kabuktutan 2nd District Representative Loreto Dasig. Senator Sotto was quick to dismiss the bill as a form of harassment and vowed to block its passage.

Quick Reaction
Sen. Tito Sotto is being criticized for plagiarizing not just one but four bloggers. And Kiko Pangilinan was like, “Awesome!”

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III and His Critics

No. 5: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Copya

No: 4: I Know What You Did To That Blogger

No: 3: Babangon Ako’t Kokopyahin Kita

No: 2: We’re Not Just That Into You

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Tito Sotto and his critics…

The buKING’s Speech

Update: After Sotto’s vehement denial that portions of his speech were plagiarized, his chief of staff ADMITTED that they indeed COPIED portions of Pope’s blog. Lawyer Hector Villacorta explained it was them not Sotto who copied it.

Worse, Villacorta was arrogant in his “apology” to the blogger.

After reading the “apology,” Sara Pope was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa inyo. Ako na ang kinopyahan, kayo pa ang galit?”

In Other News…
Last Wednesday, convicted killer Rolito Go was reportedly “abducted” inside the New Bilibid Prisons. Yes, “abducted” in prison. In other news, Elvis Presley is still alive.

Road rage shooting convict Rolito Go said, “I was abducted.” Bureau of Corrections Chief director Gaudencio Pangilinan insisted “You escaped!” Abducted, escaped, whatever, Pangilinan, you’re fired!

Road Rage 2
MMDA traffic enforcer Saturnino Fabros filed charges against Robert Blair Carabuena who assaulted him Tuesday. If convicted, the Philip Morris HR manager could face up to six years in jail. Or less – if an abduction would be successful.

LP Bet
PDP-Laban president and senatorial aspirant Koko Pimentel has accepted President Aquino’s invitation to become a guest candidate of the Liberal Party. Pimentel is really excited; he can’t wait to campaign distribute relief goods with the President.
—————————————
“One is what one is, and the dishonesty of hiding behind a degree, or a title, or any manner and collection of words, is still exactly that: dishonest.”
~ Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

Quote of the Day
Are people that hard up for something original to say?
~Blogger Sarah Pope confirming reports that her post was plagiarized by a Philippine senator

Have a safe and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Sarah’s photo from her blog)





SIX

8 08 2012

Bagatsing and the Devil
Manila Rep. Amado Bagatsing opposed moves to put the Reproductive Health Bill to a vote last Monday, August 6 saying, “Ang sais ay numero ng demonyo.” To which the devil replied, “Thanks for always believing in me my friend.”

Cong. Amado Bagatsing said “population is what saved this country” and that there was no need for an RH Bill since the economy is doing well. Tell that to Manila’s slum dwellers.

On Twitter, some anti-RH bill people suggested that the non-stop monsoon rains, and flooding were God’s way of expressing disapproval of the controversial measure. And God was like, “Umulan at bumaha lang, RH Bill agad? ’Di ba pwedeng climate change muna?!”

Curiosity
NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on planet Mars successfully on Monday, August 6! Take that Congressman Bagatsing!

Curiosity, a car-size rover successfully landed on planet Mars last Monday. The landing was so perfect, it was awarded the gold medal relegating Gabby Douglas to second place.

NASA’s car-size Curiosity rover successfully landed on Mars. Fortunately, there was no cat on the landing area.

Tragic
As heavy monsoon rains pound Mega Manila, oil firms Petron, Shell, and Total announce an increase in oil prices. Sorry, Mr. Bagatsing but 3, not 6 seems to be the number of the devil.

It was heartbreaking to see people fleeing their submerged homes. On a lighter note, I caught this report about the flood near San Beda. There was this awkward moment when members of Lex Leonum Fraternitas were seen paddling their way out of the flooded area.

Stolen Kiss
One of the 2012 Ten Outstanding Students of the Philippines reportedly stole a kiss from President Aquino during the awarding ceremony in Malacañang. Members of the PSG were shocked but the President was grateful. It was the closest thing to intimacy he had in years.

Congressman Aga?
Actor Aga Muhlach who is seeking a Congressional seat in Bicol next year took his oath as a member of the Liberal Party recently. The actor couldn’t hide his excitement. It will mark the first time he’ll be a candidate and a Bicolano.
————————————–
“After the rain, the sun will reappear.
There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.”

~ Walt Disney Company

Quotes of the Weak
“I’m ready for anything. If there’s a will, there’s a way,”
~Aga Muhlach on joining politics

“Contraception is corruption.”
~ Archbishop Socrates Villegas

Stay safe everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





KC CONCEPCION: UNEDITED

28 11 2011

OVER THE LAST THREE WEEKS, we have been bombarded with news about the Arroyos, the De Limas, the Aquinos, the Topacios and the Revillas/Bautistas. On Sunday, ABS-CBN gave us a breather of sorts. Everyone is now talking about the interrupted romance between Star Magic talents KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual.

However, the network didn’t allow the public to see the full interview. The show had to edit out statements to protect some personalities. An anonymous source sent us the deleted portions of the tell-all conversation. Indulge!


Boy Abunda (BA): Kristina, napanood mo ba ‘yong viral video ni Atty. Midas Marquez?
KC Concepcion: Tito Boy, I’ve seen worse! Believe me. Hindi lang pilantik ng mga daliri. Hindi lang taas ng kilay. But I don’t wanna go into detail. ‘Di ba may instruction sa atin sina Ma’am Charo at Tita Cory Vidanes na ‘wag pag-uusapan ang gender ni PJ? Sundin natin ‘yon.

BA: Atty. Ferdie Topacio is in the news these days. Ano ang masasabi mo sa kanya?
KC: At least siya Tito Boy, may itlog. Handa niyang itaya ‘yon alang-alang sa taong minamahal niya. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, never kong nadama kung may itlog siya. Never niya akong binigyan ng pagkakataon Tito Boy.

BA: Your dad used to support former President Arroyo. I’m sure, you’ve seen her in the news. May reaksyon ka ba sa nangyayari sa dating pangulo?
KC: ‘Yon ang masakit Tito Boy (weeps), ang dating pangulo kasi, malinaw ang kalaban, si Secretary De Lima – babae. Pero ang kalaban ko, lalaki! Ano namang laban ko sa isang lalaki Tito Boy?! Ang sakit eh.

BA: Bukas, November 28, one month na mula nang patayin si Ram Revilla. Your thoughts on the issue…
KC: Tito Boy, Ram is still lucky. Nakakulong ang mga suspek na sumaksak sa kanya. Pero ako? Daig ko pa ang sinaksak nang ilang beses sa puso pero ‘yong suspek, nakakalaya pa rin until now.

BA: Kristina, naglabas recently ng ruling ang Korte Suprema on Hacienda Luisita. Ipapamahagi na raw ang ekta-ektaryang lupain sa maliliit na magsasaka. May mensahe ka ba sa mga farmers?
KC: I am genuinely happy for them Tito Boy. At hanga talaga ako sa mga magsasaka dahil marunong at magaling silang umararo. Pero ‘yong taong minahal ko, hindi eh. Ang sakit Tito Boy. Hindi ko na kaya. (weeps)


BA: Mainit pa ring pinag-uusapan ang RH Bill sa Kongreso. Let’s talk about contraceptives, condoms, in particular. Anong stand mo?
KC: Tito Boy, I can’t relate. Never kaming umabot sa level na pinag-usapan ang protection. Sorry.

BA: I’m sure narinig mo na ang balita. Bohol Representative Rene Relampagos wanted to rename Edsa and call it Cory Aquino Avenue. Pabor ka ba?
KC: Ang hirap magsalita Tito Boy. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko, nakaka-relate ako sa Edsa Tito Boy. Kasi kapag magkasama kami ni PJ sa kuwarto, dinadaan-daanan lang niya ako.


BA: Bago tayo maghiwalay, gusto kong mapasaya ka kahit papaano. Let’s play Pinoy Henyo. I will ask Yes, No, or Pwede questions. Ikaw na ang mag-isip ng Henyo word.
KC: Sige Tito Boy. Meron na. (Shows the word to the televiewers: PIOLO)

BA: Tao ba ‘to?
KC: Yes

BA: Babae?
KC: Pwede!

BA: Lalaki?
KC: Puwede!

BA: Alam ko na! Lesbian!?
KC: Pwede!

BA: Bakit gano’n? Lahat pwede!? Hmmm… gay?
KC: Ahm, may memo si Ma’am Charo. Ayokong sagutin.

BA: Ang daya naman. Napapanood or lumabas before sa ABS-CBN?
KC: Yes.
BA: Rustom Padilla sa PBB!
KC: Pwede!

BA: Ang hirap naman. Teka, nagkaroon ba siya ng relasyon sa babae pero kinuwestyon ng publiko?
KC: Oo!
BA: A-ha! Eric Santos! O, naging sila ni Rufa Mae Quinto huh!
KC: Hindi!

BA: Hindi si Eric? Meron pa ba? Wait! Si Kuya Germs!
KC: Hindiiiiii! Hahaha

BA: May anak ba siya?
KC: Oo!

BA: A-ha! Marvin Agustin!
KC: Hindi!

BA: May parating na soap opera?
KC: Oo!

BA: Pinayagan kang magpa-interview para magamit sa promo ng darating niyang soap opera?
KC: Tumpak!

BA: Jericho Rosales?
KC: Hindi!

BA: Ang hirap naman. Sirit na nga!
KC: Hay naku Tito Boy, OA ka. Ini-etchos mo lang ako.

BA: Of course I know it’s Piolo. Pinapangiti lang kita Kristina. Nanonood si Piolo ngayon, anong gusto mong sabihin?
KC: Mark my word PJ, mark my word… lalabas din ang totoo!

BA: Nanonood si MB ngayon, may mensahe ka ba?
KC: Tito Boy, nasa memo ‘yan. Bawal banggitin ang pangalang ‘yan. No comment ako.

BA: One final question Kristina. Ito ang tanong ng sambayanan at gusto nilang marinig mula sa ‘yo ang kasagutan: Bakla ba siya?
KC: Napakabait niyang tao Tito Boy.

BA: Inuulit ko, bakla ba siya?
KC: Sobrang lambing niya Tito Boy.

BA: Kristina, maraming salamat sa pagtitiwala sa ‘The Buzz.’
KC: Thank you Tito Boy.

BA: Mga kaibigan… bukas po ang aming programa sa panig ni Piolo Pascual. Ang sa akin lang, huwag sana tayong humusga kaagad. Sa lahat ng usapin, marapat po lamang na pakinggan natin ang dalawang panig. Sa isyu naman ng homosekswalidad, gusto kong ibahagi ang sinabi ng American actor and playwright na si Harvey Fierstein. He said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” Magbabalik po ang ‘The Buzz!’

[Alvin Elchico: Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita... ]

Overheard: Sinungaling si Tito Boy. Hindi na bumalik ang ‘The Buzz.’

Say Something!
Isang suhestyon sa kadalasan ay magulong TV Patrol Poll:
Anong basic na pangangailangan ni KC Concepcion ang hindi maibigay ni Piolo Pascual? A: Oo B: Hindi. #angLabo!
To vote, type TVP A or B and send to 2222 for all networks except for GMA7 and TV5.
——————————————————————————————–
“People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it’s letting go.”
- Anonymous

Quote of the Weak
“May mga hinahanap ako na basic lang na hahanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki. Pero, masakit man sabihin, hindi ako yung, siguro nag-fail din ako dahil hindi ako yung kailangan niya sa buhay niya. Or hindi ako yung hinahanap niya sa buhay niya. And hindi, hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung kailangan niya.”
- KC Concepcion on Piolo Pascual

Merry Christmas everyone! Let’s go Lakers!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





FLIPTOP BATTLE EXTRA

29 09 2011

YOU ASKED FOR IT, you got it. Here is Part II of Fliptop and Politics, the fliptop rap battle between politicians, people in the news, and more!

A fliptopper isn’t supposed to be tamed. To humiliate opponents is his primary aim. Kaya walang mapipikon sa aking mga hirit. Hindi ko naman inasam na kayo ay magalit. ‘Meron tayong free will,’ sabi nga ni Ms. Zeny Seva. Kung ‘di mo trip ang post na ‘to, makakaalis ka na! Break it down.

Match No. 1: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Former President Fidel Ramos

President Ramos:
Hindi ako pumapatol lalo na sa babae
Ngunit may exception: kung mukha itong lalaki
Some things never change, ‘sintapang ka pa rin ng alamid
Nineteen years ka nang talunan, ‘di ka pa rin nagco-concede!?
Belat!

Utang na loob…
‘Wag mo ‘kong daanin sa pick up lines mong corny
Bumenta na’ng lahat ‘yan, panahon pa ni Cory
Sa halip na mag-joke, pa-check up ka ng kokote
Baka kailangan mong sumailalim sa lobotomy!

Senator Miriam:
You despicable prokaryote! ‘Wag ka ngang magmalinis!
Nanggigigil ako sa ‘yo, I’d like to crush you like an ipis
Centennial Expo, PEA Amari: scammer ka, ‘wag tumanggi
Sa husay mong magpaikot, nahuthutan si Gaddafi!

How dare you insult me, you paleolithic protozoa
You would’ve lost the elections kung ‘di lang minanipula
At kung mukha akong lalaki; ikaw naman mukhang hudas
Kaya wala kang nabola kundi si Baby Arenas!
Taksil!

Match No. 2: Bishop Teodoro Bacani and Cong. Edcel Lagman on RH Bill

Bishop Bacani:
Patawarin ka ng Diyos, kongresistang makasalanan
Pinaggagagawa mo’y sadyang ‘di mo nalalaman
Pildoras at condom, naku, tutol d’yan ang langit
Sa impyerno ang bagsak mo, kapag iyong ipinilit!

RH Bill, Divorce Bill, Same Sex Marriage bill ba ang kasunod?
Nawa’y muling magka-Great Flood upang kayo’y mangalunod
Kadiri! Nakakasuka! Dapat nga kayong iwasan!
Excommunication ang sagot, kampon ng kadiliman!

Congressman Lagman:
Ayaw kong mamersonal, pero ikaw ang nagsimula
Ikaw na nga ‘tong imoral, ‘sipag mo pang magngangawa
Rally vs. contraceptives, bakit saksakan kayo ng bilis,
Pero tikom naman ang bibig sa isyu ng pagbubuwis?

Ang linis mo, Bishop Ted, nakakahiya namang lumapit
Ang bango ng hininga mo; ang puti ng iyong singit
Pati yata Vaticano, nahihirapan kang i-handle
Kaya naman tolerated ang ‘yong hobby na mag-fondle!

Amen!

Match No. 3: Nora Aunor vs. Philippine Medical Association on Yes! Magazine Cover

Philippine Medical Association:
Masama kang ehemplo, hindi ka amusing
‘Sabagay even then adik ka na sa smoking!
Akala mo siguro cool na cool ang pagyoyosi
Panira ‘yan ng lovelife, ask mo pa si Presidente!

Lest you forget madam, hindi ka na beinte-uno
Almost 60 ka na lola at ‘sang dosena na ang apo!
Sigarilyo, alak at ang all-time favorite mong casino
No wonder, TV5 lamang ang sumusugal sa ‘yo!

Nora Aunor:
Hindi ko po intensyong makasakit ng damdamin
Lalo na sa mga grupong mahilig magpapansin
Pati ba naman yosi ko, pinag-iinitan
So anong susunod? ‘Yong aking katomboyan?!

“My brother is not a pig!”

And please lang, tigilan n’yo na ang pagiging ipokrito
Maraming doktor din ang addict sa sigarilyo
“Live and let live,” ang aking pakiusap
Peace PMA peeps! Tara, let’s drink to that!

“I did not kill anybody!”

Match No. 4: Congressional Spouse Jinkee Pacquiao vs. Intrigueros

Jinkee Pacquiao:
Kung wala kayong magawa sa buhay, tigilan n’yo na ang tsismis
Que loyal man o hindi si Manny sa ‘kin, it’s no longer your business!
In fact we’re going stronger, hinding-hindi mabubuwag
‘Pag ‘di n’yo ko tinantanan, sasampalin kita ng Hermes bag!

At sa malalanding babae d’yan, layuan n’yo ang asawa ko
Kung pera lang ang habol n’yo, tell me, right now, magkano?
Ito ang tandaan n’yo: nag-iisa lang akong reyna!
Kahawig ni Dyan Castillejo, Kristine Hermosa ang aura!
Mga bruha!

Intrigueros:
Fault ba namin kung mambabae ang Pambansang Kamao?
Kung ma-link sa mga Ara, mga Rufa Mae o Ranillo?
Excuse me, excuse us, siya ang gumagawa ng tsismis!
‘Di ba nga’t may new rumor, meron daw ngayong buntis?
Erase.
Erase.
Erase.

Oh, by the way, ‘pansin nga namin ang iyong bagong ganda
Tagumpay ang eksperimento! Halos ‘di ka na nga makilala
Dyan C? Kristine H? Just exactly what we thought
Ingat sa next surgery, baka magmukha kang Freddie Roach!

“Malaswaaaa! Pakialaman n’yo ang malaswa!”
—————————————————————————————————–
“We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach.”
~Bertrand Russell

Pogi Points
> Department of Photoshopped Works and Highways? (DPWH)
ABS-CBNNews.com reported Thursday that DPWH allegedly uploaded a Photoshopped image to its Facebook page making it appear that three  DPWH officials were talking, “with the damaged Manila Bay seawall in the background.” Patawa! Sino ‘yong naka-red jacket, si David Blaine?

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HEADLINE: JOSE RIZAL

19 06 2011

IN COMMEMORATION of Dr. Jose Rizal’s 150th birth anniversary, I’m posting an updated version of a blog article originally published in 2009.

Top 10 Possible Headlines If Dr. Jose Rizal Were Still Alive

No. 10:
Jose Rizal posts new Twitter record;
Pinoy Methuselah overtakes Lady Gaga & Justin Bieber with 13 million followers

No. 9:
Pacquiao pays courtesy call on PH’s super senior statesman;
Rizal hails People’s Champ’s heroics, looks forward to bout vs. Floyd Jr.

No. 8:
10 million-strong Rizalistas confirm bloc voting plans in 2013;
Candidates expected to flock main headquarters of 150-year-old Supreme Leader

No. 7:
Rizal rejects 500-million peso offer to endorse Belo Medical Clinic

No. 6:
Hitler scion claims Rizal is his great, great, great grandfather;
seeks financial support from revered Filipino icon

No. 5:
Senate, House agree to conduct joint hearing on Rizal’s “immortality;”
Gerontologists, arbularyos, Church rep invited as resource persons

No. 4:
Who’s Who in politics, business, arts & culture expected to attend Rizal’s
150th birthday bash; CBCP rejects invitation

No. 3:
Divorce Bill/RH Bill advocates find ally in Jose Rizal;
Catholic Church threatens to excommunicate 150-year-old statesman

No. 2:
After Noli and Fili:
Rizal announces release of two new books on betrayal, abuse of power, and corruption;
“Merci” and “Glori” to hit bookstores Friday

And the No. 1 possible headline if Rizal were alive today…

President Aquino confirms break-up with latest gf;
Rizal gives unsolicited advice to PH leader: “Tigilan mo muna ‘yan. Magtrabaho ka na muna! Ok? Thx, bye!”
—————————————————————–
“One only dies once, and if one does not die well, a good opportunity is lost and will not present itself again.”
~Dr. Jose P. Rizal (Letter to Mariano Ponce – 1890)

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

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NAGPAPATROL, 24 ORAS

5 06 2011

SA UNANG PAGKAKATAON sa kasaysayan ng telebisyon, sumasainyo ang programang hatid ng pinagsanib na puwersa ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs at GMA News and Public Affairs.

Live mula sa panulukan ng dalawang kalsadang hindi namin puwedeng pangalanan, “Nagpapatrol… 24 Oras!”


Kabayan: Magandang gabi bayan!
Mike: Ekskyus me pow Kabayan! Parang ako yata ang dapat mag-introw ng show na itow!
Korina: No Mike, mas nauuna talaga kaming pumasok. Sa sobrang haba ng OBB n’yo, nasa first item na kami, headlines pa lang kayo.
Mel Tiangco: Nakow huh! Aba’y nakatutok pala talaga kayo sa programa namin ‘noh? Pati haba ng opening namin alam na alam mo! Pambihira!
Ted: Ehem. Humahaba na po ang diskusyon. We are on live TV. Simulan na natin. Ako si Ted Failon… ngayon!

Kabayan: Sa detalye ng mga nagbabagang balita! Tinanggihan ni dating senador Mar Roxas ang alok ni Pangulong Aquino na maging kalihim ng Department of Transportation and Communications kapalit ng nagbitiw na si Secretary Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Nagpapatrol… si alVEEEN Elchico!
Alvin: Kabayan, nag-anunsyo na naman ng piso kada-litrong pagtataas sa presyo ng gasolina ang tatlong higanteng kompanya ng…

[Nawala sa screen si Alvin, nag-black ang screen then umapir ang logo ng "Nagpapatrol... 24Oras"]

Kabayan: A-che-che! Nagkamali ako ng tinawag na reporter. Pasensya na alVEEEn! Mabuti pa, kausapin na lang natin nang live si dating senador Mar Roxas. Magandang gabi Senator!

MarRoxas: Magandang gabi naman sa ‘yo Kabayan at sa mga tagapanood n’yo. At higit sa lahat, good evening sa misis kong nariyan sa studio. Kung ‘di dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makukumbinsing magpa-interview ngayon. Alam mo na!

Kabayan: Totoo bang tinanggihan mo ang alok ng Pangulo na maging DoTC secretary?
MarRoxas: Alam mo kabayan, kahit kailan naman, hindi ako nagsalita tungkol sa kahit anong offers o non-offer. Basta ako, I will serve for the pleasure of the president. Basta’t ikakaligaya niya, pagseserbisyuhan ko siya.

Kabayan: Sabi ni Secretary Ochoa, patuloy na dini-define ang iyong functions as presidential chief of staff…
MarRoxas: ‘Yon nga ang ‘di ko maintindihan Kabayan. Isang buwan nang dini-define ni Ochoa ‘yan pero Hunyo na, wala pa ring linaw. Kung gugustuhin niyang matapos ang pag-define, maraming paraan. Pero kung ayaw, talagang matatagalan. Inip na nga ako eh.

Kabayan: Anong reaksyon mo sa pahayag ni Sen. Chiz Escudero na mas makakabuting sa DoTC ka?
MarRoxas: Mas makakabuting manahimik siya! Hindi ko kailangan ang advice n’ya.
Kabayan: Kasi raw, according to Chiz, kapag nasa palasyo ka at kasama ni Ochoa, baka magkagulo pa…
MarRoxas: Ayusin n’ya muna ang gulo sa buhay n’ya!
Kabayan: Huling tanong na lang senador… wala pa ba kayong balak magkaroon ng baby ni Ate Koring?
MarRoxas: Saka na ‘yan Kabayan kapag defined na ang functions ko bilang asawa niya.
Kabayan: Maraming salamat dating senador Mar Roxas. Korina…

[Title Card: Marcos Burial]

Korina: Sa ibang balita… full military honors para sa libing ng pinatalsik na diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos! Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino ni Vice President Je… achooo! Pasensya na po, sinisipon ako. Ito ang naging rekomendasyon kay Pangulong Aquino period! Ayon sa nabuong report ni Vice Presid… achooo! Grabe na talaga ang sipon ko. Sorry. Ayon sa nabuong report, bibigyan ng full military honors ang dating pangulo ngunit ang interment service ay isasagawa hindi sa Libingan ng mga Bayani kundi sa Ilocos Norte. Kaugnay ng balitang ‘yan, makakausap natin si Vice Presi… achooooooooooooo! May makakausap po tayo, period. Nasa linya na raw yata siya. I’m not sure. Hi!
Vice President Binay: Magandang gabi Korina. Salamat sa pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.
Korina: Ahm, parang may technical problems po tayo. Wala akong marinig.
Vice President Binay: Kung hindi mo marinig, ipapaliwanag ko na lang sa mga nanonood. Alam n’yo mga kababayan…
Korina: Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo pero napakasama talaga ng signal natin. Susubukan po naming maibalik…
Vice President Binay: Hindi ako nawala. Narito ako Korina.
Korina: Basta, we’ll try to call again. Narito muna si Mike…

[Title Card: Ronda Alerto Patrol 24!]

Mike: Huling-huwli ang SUV ng aktowr na si Richard Gutierrez na nag-ow-owverspeed sa kahabaan ng Cowmmonwealth Avenyow na kilala rin sa tawag na killer highway sa Quezown City. May live na owlat mula sa tanggapn ng MMDA si Michael Fajatin. Michael?
Michael: Mike, pasado alas-otso nang umaga nang hulihin ng MMDA ang driver ng sasakyan ni Richard Gutierrez. Ngunit… ahm, matapos ang ilang negosasyon, ito’y matapos na, tinicketan siya, tinicketan siya Mike, pagkatapos nito, hindi na sila nag-away, nag-away sila sa simula, pagkatapos nito’y nagkaroon sila ng ahhh, pag-aaway sa simula.
Mike: Klarowng-klarow ang repowrt mo Michael. Pero anow ‘towng nabalitaan naming sumugod daw diyan ang ina ni Richard. Bakit?
(Commotion)
Annabelle: Akin na ‘yang mikrupunu mu dung! At ‘yung kamiraman dung. Tutuk mu sa akin ang kamira dung! Hillu! Hillu! Si Mike Inrikiz ba ‘tu?
Mike: Mga Kapusow, live pow mula sa MMDA, si Ms Annabelle Rama!
Annabelle: Hay naku dung! Walang alam si Rechard! Inusinti ang anak ku dung! Natotolog siya sa kutsi nang paliparen ng driver niya dung!

Mike: Teka lang, nasaan ba si Richard? Bakit kayo ang nagpapaliwanag?
Annabelle: May teyping ng Captin Barbill ang anak ku! ‘Di puwiding abalahin! Basta! ‘Yung driver niya ang bubu dung! Idadamay pa niya ang anak ku! Nag-highblood tuloy ang dugo ko dung.
Mike: May mensahe ka ba sa MMDA enfowrcer na humuli sa driver ng anak mow?
Annabelle: Basta ang anak ku, walang kasalanan! He was the victims here! Wala akong message sa MMDA dung! Piro may minsahi lang ako dun sa maliit na batang si Xyriel Manabat dung! Huuuuuy! Hende ka pa man sekat day! Sinwirti ka lang sa 100 Gays to Hivin day! Piro, mas sekat pa rin ang anak kung si Rechard day! ‘Yun lang dung! Ibalek ku na dong ang mikrupunu at kamira kay Michael Pahada.
Michael: Fajatin po Tita.
Annabelle: Huwag mu kung tawaging Tita dung! Hindi kita pamangkin!
Mike: Maraming salamat Michael Fajatin… live mula sa MMDA sa Lungsod ng Makati.

[Title Card: Suma-Survey!]

Ted: Bago ko ibigay ang Suma-Survey question ngayong gabi, ‘wag kalimutan ang tampok sa aking programang “Failon: Now Na!” – ang inirereklamong mga fish cages diyan sa Talisay, Batangas. Akalain n’yo yun! Hindi pala mga Pinoy ang owner ng daan-daang illegal fish cages diyan sa Taal Lake kundi mga Chinese nationals! Plano nga raw ng mga residente ng Talisay na mag-file ng diplomatic protest sa China na inaakusahan nila ng territorial incursion. Pangamba ng mga residente, baka bukas o makalawa ay angkinin na rin ng mga Intsik ang lawa!


May exclusive interview din tayo sa isang bangus na himalang nakaligtas sa fish kill. Talaga naman pong makapanindig-balahibo ang kaniyang mga rebelasyon. Sa maniwala kayo’t sa hindi, ibinunyag ng nakaligtas na bangus na nagsasalita raw hindi ng Tagalog, kundi Mandarin ang isang grupo ng fingerlings sa pinanggalingan niyang fish cage! Malaking isyu ito kapag nagkataon! Kaya’t huwag na huwag n’yong palalampasin bukas nang hapon ang “Failon: Now Na!”

Buweno, narito na ang survey question natin ngayong gabi! Sa inyong palagay, magkakaasawa kaya ang pangulo bago matapos ang kanyang termino?
A. Wish Ko Lang!
B. Depende sa gusto ni Kris.
C. Thank you for that wonderful question Sir. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Las Vegas!
D. ‘Yong malaswaaa! Ang gusto kong pakialaman n’yo ‘yong malaswaaa!

To vote, type: Matanda (space) Binata (space) Your Answer (space) Address (space) Signature, and send to 23666 for all networks. Kapag walang signature, hindi bibilangin ang boto. Samantala, narito naman si Tita Mel…

[Title Card: Sagip Kapusong Totoo]

Mel Tiangco: Thank you Ted. Gumuguwapo ka yata ‘no huh? Kahapon ay dumulog sa tanggapan ng GMA Kapuso Foundation ang isang beinte anyos na babaeng itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Rosario. Medyo kakaiba ang problema ng Kapuso nating ito ano po. At upang higit nating maunawaan ang kanyang pinagdadaanan, minabuti nating kausapin nang live ngayong gabi si Rosario. Paalala lamang sa mga viewers, medyo maselan po ang isyung ating tatalakayin kaya’t ipinapayo namin sa mga magulang na gabayan ang inyong mga anak sa panonood. Magandang gabi Rosario…

Rosario: Good evening naman po Tita Mel.
Mel: Ikaw na ang magkwento iha. Ano ba ang problema mo at paano ka namin matutulungan?
Rosario: Kapapanganak ko lang po last March Tita Mel. Two months old po ‘yong baby ko last May 30. Gusto po ng ama ng baby ko na sundan kaagad ito.
Mel: Pambihira naman pala ‘no! Matanong ko lang, nasaan ba ang ama ng baby mo?
Rosario: Busy po eh. May misa.
Mel: Ano?
Rosario: Pari po ang ama ng baby ko.
Mel: Por diyos por santo! Pari ang ama ng baby mo?!? Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Bakit po? Anong nakakagulat do’n Tita Mel? Matagal nang uso ‘yon. Heller!
Mel: ‘Tapos gusto na namang masundan??? Pambihira!
Rosario: ‘Yon po ang problema ko Tita. Anti-RH bill po siya. Tuwing magtatalik kami, ayaw n’yang gumamit ng condom. Wala daw po sa Bible ‘yon!
Mel: Pambihira ‘no?! Mahirap nga ‘yang pinasok mo iha. Masyadong personal ang iyong problema! Anong tulong ang kailangan mo sa aming istasyon?
Rosario: Blackmail po.
Mel: Blackmail? Pambihira! Anong blackmail?
Rosario: Ganito po ‘yon Tita Mel. (To camera) Babe! Ayaw kong gawin ‘to… dahil, in fairness, mahal naman kita! Pero mapilit ka eh. Kapag ‘di ka pa nag-condom mamayang gabi, mapipilitan akong ibunyag ang pangalan mo at ang parokyang pinaglilingkuran mo! ‘Yon lang!
Mel: Aba’y maganda nga ‘yang naisip mo iha! Pambihira ‘no?
Rosario: Salamat po sa tulong Tita Mel.

[Title Card: Star Chika Minute Patrol]


GretchenF: Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya, narito na ang ating balitang showbiz…
Pia G: Chikaaaaa Minute! Mga Kapuso, tutukan n’yo ang mainit na panayam ni Nelson Canlas kay…
GretchenF: Teka lang! Nauna akong pumasok dito ah!
Pia G: Paanong ‘di ka mauuna eh binalya mo ako papasok sa studio. Balyenang flirt!
GretchenF: Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako balyena! ‘Tsaka mas sikat ang aming mga artista!
Pia G: Excuse me too! Walaaaaaa kaming artista at all! ‘Di n’yo kaya ‘yon! May showbiz segment kami pero wala kaming artista! Fine! Mauna ka na!

GretchenF: Mga Kapamilya… kapapasok pa lang ng balitang ito: Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion… break na raw?
Pia G: Hahhahah! Pinaglololoko n’yo ang mga viewers n’yo!
GretchenF: Tumahimik ka d’yan kung ayaw mong paglapitin ko ang mga mata mo!
Pia G: Whatever!
GretchenF: As I was saying mga Kapamilya, malakas ang bulung-bulungan na hiwalay na nga raw sina KC at Papa Piolo. Nagpapatrol… Mario Dumaual.

Mario: Apat na buwan matapos umaming “sila na,” kumalat kanina ang tsismis na break na raw sina Piolo Pascual at KC Concepcion. Magugunitang naging kontrobersyal ang ginawang pag-amin ng dalawa noong Enero sa “The Buzz.” Sa katunayan, sa isinagawang joint survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia from March 5 to 10, lumabas na 99.95 percent ng mga Pilipino ang nagsabing “Etchos lang” ang relasyon ng dalawa samantalang .05 percent naman ang sumagot na, “Waley!” Ang natitirang .01 percent ay nagsabing, “Wehhh?” Tumanggi munang magbigay ng pahayag sina KC at Piolo hangga’t hindi natatapos ang kanilang kontrata sa isang brand ng canned tuna at isang brand ng berdeng tsaa. Mario Dumaual, Patrol ng Pilipino!

[Last Segment: Free For All Chikahan]

Kabayan: Uy, balita ko babalik na sa puwesto si Virginia Torres ng LTO. Ang lakas niya pala talaga sa pangulo. Dalawang buwang suspendido pero and’yan pa rin sa puwesto.
Mike: Alam mow Kabayan, ibinalita namin sa 24Oras last week, nakakagamowt daw ng cancer ang mga tuko!
Korina: Ibig n’yo bang sabihin, cancer-free ang mga tao sa LTO kasi may tuko do’n?
Ted: Ikaw ang nagsabi niyan! Pero ayon nga sa tweet ni Kumareng Lynda Jumilla, the Balay and Samar blocs are passé. Ang namamayagpag daw ngayon: ang paksyong SB: Shooting Buddies!
Mel: Oo nga ‘no?! Pambihirahh!

[Extro]

Ted: At ‘yan po ang mga balitang aming nakalap sa mas malawak na pagpapatrol!
Mel: Mga balitang aming tinutukan sa nakalipas na 24 Oras. Maraming salamat sa inyong pagtitiwala!
Korina: Kami ang mga Patrol ng Pilipino… hanggang bukas!
Mike: Ito po ang GMA walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan, walang kasinungalingan, serbisyong totoo lang. At dahil hindi natutulog ang mga balita, nakatut…
Noli: Tama naaaaa! Ang haba-haba ng extro n’yo! OT na tayo! Magandang gabi bayan!

[Closing Credits]

-The End-
———————————————————————
“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
~Anonymous

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HOLY SMOKE!

29 05 2011

No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly


Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!


ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
—————————————————————————————-
“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
- Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
- Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

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Have a safe and fun week ahead!





CATS, PRAISES

15 05 2011


Pacman Returns
Manny Pacquiao is back in the Philippines after last week’s big event in Las Vegas – his encounter with Paris Hilton.

Reports say the Pacquiao-Mosley event lured the second biggest crowd (16,412) among Pacquiao’s bouts in Las Vegas. It also set a Guinness World Record for ‘most watched sparring session.’

Congressman Manny Pacquiao and his wife attended a thanksgiving Mass in Manila Saturday morning. As expected, security was tight at the Quiapo Church. The only thing tighter was Jinkee’s face.

Manny Pacquiao has denied using steroids while training for his fight. For God’s sake, he couldn’t even use his wife!

Cat Killer
A UP student who killed a cat in 2009 was found guilty of animal cruelty. The judge rejected his defense that he was a battered rat in his past life.


UP physics major Joseph Carlo Candare was found guilty of animal cruelty and was slapped with a 2,000-peso fine. Likewise, the judge barred him from eating siopao for the rest of his life.

After being found guilty of animal cruelty, Joseph Carlo Candare is now serving his sentence – two months of volunteer work for the Philippine Animal Welfare Society or PAWS where he’s tasked to take care of some 200 cats. Sa mga pusa d’yan sa PAWS… ingat!

Confirmed
President Aquino confirmed Friday that his defeated runningmate, former senator Mar Roxas would be his chief of staff. The President clarified though that Korina Sanchez would still be Mar’s ‘commander-in-chief.’

Osama’s Stash
The US Navy SEALs reportedly found a diary in Osama bin Laden’s compound. It revealed, among other things that his real parents were Alvira and Amante Del Valle.

Confiscated photos of Osama bin Laden’s medicine cabinet revealed he took herbal Viagra. Another confiscated photo showed three happy-looking camels.

Pornographic videos were also discovered in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound. One of the titles found was “Osama bin Hayden.”

De Lima Declines
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is not interested in replacing Merceditas Gutierrez as Ombudsman. And that’s understandable. It’s like replacing Osama bin Laden in al-Qaeda.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, the world’s most dangerous places are Afghanistan and Iraq. In third place is Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City.

Big Rollback
Oil companies have just implemented a bigger oil price rollback… surprising motorists, and fueling speculations that the reported Judgment Day on May 21 is true.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>>Civil disobedience: Weapon of mass distraction. Isang paraan upang ilayo ang diskusyon sa merito ng isyu | See ‘blackmail.’

>>Chief of Staff: See ‘Prime Minister.’

In China…
Shanghai City is setting a limit of one-dog per family. In protest of the policy, Chinese dog lovers have threatened to lead a civil disobedience campaign.
———————————————————————-
“It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.”
~Chinese Proverb

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ANAK NG WEDDING!

30 04 2011


The Royal Wedding
Prince William and Kate Middleton wed at Westminster Abbey in London Friday. The wedding ceremony was calm, peaceful, and orderly. However, the mass was briefly interrupted when the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered RH bill supporters to leave the Church because “it’s useless”.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge ride in a landau to Buckingham Palace after the Royal Wedding in London Friday. The newlyweds were supposed to ride a Porsche but William feared that doing so would pull down his approval and trust ratings.

Friday’s event in London was dubbed as a fairytale wedding. You have a future king, a future queen, and of course, a wicked witch. I’m not saying who. By the way, did you notice Camilla Parker Bowles’ hat?

Observers say the William and Kate romance is a Cinderella story. In fact, if you were watching closely, you would have noticed the pumpkin during the wedding. Here’s the photo.


Why Her?
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married Friday in London. A few weeks earlier, William proposed to Kate live on Wowowee.

Asked why she chose Kate, Prince William – to the surprise of the international media answered in Filipino, “Siya yung nagpatigil sa pagka-binata ko.”

By the way, to those who are asking: there’s no truth to rumors that William is running in the next elections.

Exchange of Vows
Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged vows at Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Everyone who was invited showed up. Observers noticed though that William forgot to invite some of his… hair.

Prince William and Kate Middleton were declared man and wife at London’s Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Donald Trump – who failed to catch the ceremony on TV refused to believe that the wedding actually happened and demanded that the couple produce a marriage certificate.


This just in: London has reported a 40 percent increase in the sales of hats on wedding day alone.

The World Watched
Fascinated by Friday’s historic London event, Sen. Loren Legarda is reportedly looking forward to having her own Royal Wedding. After all, she’s a monarch… butterfly.

According to the international media, what took place on Friday morning at Westminster Abbey was the “Wedding of the Century.” Just wait ‘til our very own Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion walk down the aisle! It will be the “Wedding of the Century… tuna.”

In Miami, LeBron James was up early to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. But the Heat star reportedly got pissed and turned off the TV during the exchange of vows. He got jealous of Kate’s ring.

Aquino on William & Kate
Through his spokesman Edwin Lacierda, President Aquino said Prince William and Kate Middleton “must make adjustments so that their marriage foundation can be established.” To which, William and Kate replied:“Thank you Archbishop Oscar Cruz!” .

April 29, 2011 was a historic day indeed. In London, Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. In Manila, Merceditas Gutierrez and the Office of the Ombudsman got divorced.

OMG Resigns
On Friday, April 29, 2011, embattled Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned. She read a prepared statement at a press conference held around 2pm. Unfortunately, she refused to answer questions from journalists, and immediately left… to attend a Royal Wedding viewing party.


Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s resignation drew mixed reactions from former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s allies. House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said, “One who retreats from a good fight does not deserve to be defended or supported.” Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez stated, “Her family could not endure the pressure and I agreed that resignation was her only choice.” Senator Miguel Zubiri said, “Hmpf! I wanted to wear pa naman that magenta toga. Kainezz!”

Professor Harry Roque, one of the first to call for the impeachment of Gutierrez is hoping that her replacement “will embrace the challenge for the Ombudsman to deal with human rights violations.” He then enumerated the human rights violations committed by the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas against his client, Banco Filipino.

News of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’ resignation reached Westminster Abbey. Did you know what the wedding guests said? “Hats off!”

Birth Certificate
President Barack Obama has released his birth certificate to prove that he was born in the United States. Critics weren’t satisfied though. They want him to release an alleged psychiatric report from college to prove that he’s fit to govern.


In Washington DC, the White House has released a document that proves that President Obama was born in the United States. Meanwhile, in Manila, Malacañang will release a document that will prove that Jejomar Binay is not the president of the Philippines.

Good News
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang has “good news” on Labor Day but he won’t reveal it yet. Be patient. It would leak.


Top 5 Pieces of “Good News” to be Announced by Malacañang on Labor Day

No. 5: More court cases against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

No. 4: President Aquino is going out with a new girl… but unlike the ladies he dated recently, this one’s into him.

No. 3: To complement the Pantawid Pasada cards for drivers, the government will distribute Pantawid Kusina cards for housewives, Pantawid Dagat for fisherfolks, Pantawid Kalsada for street children, and Pantawid Aliw for prostitutes.

No. 2: Prince William and Kate Middleton have chosen the Philippines as their honeymoon destination.

And the No. 1 piece of “good news” to be announced by Malacañang on Labor Day…

President Aquino is the son of Ninoy and he’s releasing a copy of his birth certificate to prove it.


Laperal Compound
The demolition of informal settlers at the Laperal compound in Makati City turned violent Thursday. In the morning, stubborn residents clashed with the police. In the afternoon, stubborn mayor Junjun Binay clashed with DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo.

Melendez vs. Meneses
Bulacan, Bulacan Mayor Patrick Meneses has filed a libel suit against his ex-girlfriend, actress and former Quezon City councilor Aiko Melendez for allegedly spreading rumors he’s gay. Meneses then excused himself from the press saying he needs to go home to catch the latest episode of Glee.

In support of their “maligned” colleague, local executives in Bulacan have signed a resolution declaring former Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez persona non grata in the whole province. Sought for comment, Melendez says she has yet to consult a lawyer and a dictionary.
—————————————————–
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

You Have Spoken
Ano ang pinaka-tinututukan mong local all-news channel?
-AksyonTV (TV5) 4.03%
-ANC (ABS-CBN) 33.21%
-GMA News TV (GMA 7) 34.74%
-Depende sa palabas. I switch channels. 28.02%

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Have a safe weekend! Let’s go Lakers!





COCAINE, CONDOM, QADDAFI

25 02 2011


Singson Sentenced
After pleading guilty to cocaine trafficking, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was sentenced to 18 months in a Hong Kong prison. His father, Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson tried but failed to stop the sentencing by seeking the help of Vice President Jejomar Binay.

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson told the press that his son Ronald was “a victim” of drug abuse. Sought for comment, ‘Drug Abuse’ denied Singson’s allegation and threatened to sue the governor for libel.

Congressman Ronald Singson has been convicted, sentenced and imprisoned. Everybody believes he’s guilty… except for his colleagues at the House of Representatives.

Actress Lovi Poe was in tears after the sentencing. For the next 18 months, she’ll definitely miss the man, the lover, and the free concert tickets.

Speaking of addicts…
The Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang in Muntinlupa City has passed an ordinance that includes a provision requiring doctor’s prescription (reseta) before someone could buy contraceptives like condoms… totally alarming village priests who are not used to doing it without rubber.

Barangay Ayala Alabang spokesperson Atty. Luis Sison says residents who will buy condoms from stores in other villages or cities will not be allowed to give them away or sell them in their barangay. First time offenders will face excommunication. Repeat offenders shall either be guillotined or burnt at the stake.

This just in! Pope Benedict XVI has just declared Barangay Ayala Alabang as the Little Vatican of Asia.

When he heard the news about the controversial ordinance of the Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang, Atty. Adel Tamano posted on Twitter, “That’s unconstitutional.” RH Bill proponents said, “That’s preposterous.” And Senator Lito Lapid shouted, “That’s my idea!”

Top 5 Possible Scenarios When You Buy A Condom From a Store Located at Barangay Ayala Alabang

No. 5: Ate, pagbili ng condom. >> May dala kang reseta iha? >> Wala po eh. Pero ‘wag kayong mag-alala. Doktor ang katalik ko.

No. 4: Miss, pagbilhan mo nga ako ng condom. >> ‘Asan sir ang prescription? >> Anong prescription? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Ako ang kapitan sa barangay na ‘to! Prescription mo’ng mukha mo!

No. 3: Miss, condom nga. >> Naku, reseta muna. >> Ah ganun? Puwes, ‘wag na ‘wag kang magrereklamo kapag nag-motel tayo mamayang gabi!

No. 2: Miss, isang condom please. >> Sir, kailangan po ng prescription. >> Here, meron ako. >> Naku sir, kulang po ito. Dapat po specified ng doctor ang size at flavor.

And the No. 1 scenario when you buy a condom from a store located at Brgy. Ayala Alabang…

Miss, condom nga. Pakibilisan, nagmamadali ako. >> Teka lang sir, meron ba kayong reseta? >> Bakit!? Kailan pa naging sakit ang libog ko?

Nicotine Addict
The Philippine Medical Association says a person like President Aquino who is “addicted to an abused substance whether it is tobacco or illegal drugs needs professional help and is in a state of constant denial.” President Aquino said, “That’s not true.”

AFP Corruption Hearing
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot, wife of Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot was a no-show during Thursday’s Senate hearing. Asked about the whereabouts of his wife, the former military comptroller said he totally forgot where he left her.

Lawyer Rafael Zialcita says the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot is confined at the Veteran’s Memorial Medical Center in Quezon City because of “headaches, abdominal pains, and other aches.” Official hospital records show there’s a total of eight “aches” under Mrs. Erlinda Ligot’s name.

Overseas…
Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi delivered a televised address Tuesday. The 69-year-old dictator spoke about the state of his Arab nation and vowed to stay in power despite calls for his resignation. At one point during the speech, he presented three poor Libyan boys who wrote their dreams on paper folded into boats and launched these into the Mediterranean Sea.


In a televised address Tuesday, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said he would never step down as president. He then enumerated his administration’s long-term goals toward achieving a Strong Republic.
——————————————
“Those who in principle oppose birth control are either incapable of arithmetic or else in favor of war, pestilence, and famine as permanent features of human life.”
~Bertrand Russell

Elsewhere
Dolce, Encore, Pharaoh and Icon mga gimikang tinukoy ng DPA ng ABS-CBN na pugad umano ng mga gumagamit ng cocaine. See exclusive interview here.

Maria Ressa: The Parody of People Power

Survey Says
Sang-ayon ba kayo sa pahayag ni Sen. Bongbong Marcos na posibleng kasing-unlad na tayo ng Singapore kung hindi napatalsik ang kanyang ama?
Tama siya! Sayang. 28.74%
Ulol! Umayos ka nga! 70.66%
Wala akong alam sa isyu. 0.6%

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Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!





YOU’RE SO DEAD!

13 10 2010


MOMENTS BEFORE he died, famous French grammarian Dominique Bouhours uttered: “I am about to – or I am going to – die: either expression is correct.” On his deathbed, Voltaire was asked by a priest to renounce Satan. The philosopher replied: “This is no time for making enemies.” And convicted murderer James French shouted this to members of the press who were to witness his execution by electric chair: “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!”

In advance observance of All Saints Day, The Professional Heckler brings back ‘Famous Last Words’ – “predicted” deathbed statements of local political and entertainment figures. This is the 2010 edition of that ‘recurring’ blog article.

Their famous last words:

President Aquino: “Watch what happens… ”

President Aquino 2: ‘Walang wangwang. Walang counterflow. Walang tong. Walang… buhay.”

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno: “Unless the President asks me to die, I won’t.”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr.: “Hik!”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Ayoko na! ‘Di ko na kaya ang karamdaman kong ito. Dalhin n’yo na ako sa Tondo!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim 2: “Nagugutom ako.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “I have no idea who leaked the information on my purported death but I assure you – the Communications Group had nothing to do with it. I promise to investigate the matter when I’ve fully recovered.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “Honestly. Orderly. Peacefully.” [When asked by the press how he wanted to die]

Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco (to the press): “Who told you I am dying? I am not. Walang concrete evidence ‘yang source n’yo. You! Yes, you the reporter in blue, tell me, kung wala bang matibay na ebidensya ang source ng balita mo, irereport mo?”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Zzzzzzzz.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Ayoko na! Punong-puno na ako! Ayoko naaa!”

Former PAGASA Chief Dr. Prisco Nilo: “Ang temperatura ko ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng 30 at 37 degree Centigrade anim hanggang pitong oras matapos ‘kong pumanaw. Uulan ng luha at babaha ng kalungkutan. May manaka-nakang papuri mula sa ilang mga pulitiko. Magiging banayad naman ang reaksyon ng Pangulo. Ang araw ay sisikat sa inyo ngunit hindi na sa akin.”

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Ayoko! Hindi maaari! Set up ‘to! Set up!”

Outgoing ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs Chief, and Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Filipina Alive Maria Ressa: “I will not be renewing my contract with ‘life.’ It’s time for me to move on.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Powtang-eyna naman!^5$@& Ayaw kow pang mamatey!”

RMN’s Michael Rogas: “Ito po ang live at special exclusive coverage ng aking kamatayan. Naririnig po tayo ngayon sa mahigit isandaang himpilan ng RMN nationwide!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Ganito pala kapag huling minuto na ng buhay ng isang tao ‘no ha? Nakakatakot pala Mike! Pambihira ‘no ha!”

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment.”

And finally…
Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “RT @iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mamu, you’re creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka!” #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

In the news now:

More than 300 officers and enlisted men who took part in three failed power grabs were granted amnesty by President Aquino. When he heard the news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson started plotting a mutiny against the Aquino government.

The RH Bill Debate
The good news is: Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal has reportedly asked President Aquino to create a panel that will discuss the pros and cons of the Reproductive Health Bill. The bad news is: the panel’s recommendations will have to be reviewed by Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa.

GMA News.TV reported that the Church is eyeing Facebook as another platform against the Reproductive Health Bill. If that happens, that page will likely set the record for the most number of clicks to the “Unlike” button.

Confused Congressman
Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?”

Esquire Says…

Outgoing ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs chief Maria Ressa has been named by Esquire magazine as the Sexiest Woman Alive for Philippines. Rumors say Ressa’s enemies in ABS-CBN will file a complaint against Esquire for baseless and biased reporting.


Belo on Immigration Cards
Reports say the face of cosmetic expert Vicki Belo replaced the image of President Aquino on immigration cards. Apparently, it was an advertisement for the Belo medical clinic. But critics wanted the cards recalled saying tourists might confuse the Philippines for Madame Tussauds.

Just weeks after incurring the ire of President Aquino, the Bureau of Immigration stirred yet another controversy by printing millions of the modified arrival and departure cards, this time with the face of cosmetic expert Vicky Belo. Immigration officials defended their action saying they actually chose between two advertisers: Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising. Sige, mamili kayo!
————————–
“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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