AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

9 06 2010


The Proclamation: A Postscript
In today’s proclamation ceremony at the House of Representatives, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile requested the families of both President-elect Noynoy Aquino and Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay to join the two winning candidates in front. People in the gallery knew that Noynoy’s sisters would be joining him, but others were guessing ‘which’ Binay family would come forward.

Even before the proclamation, Loren Legarda has conceded defeat to Jejomar Binay. But Legarda clarifies, she isn’t conceding yet to Noli De Castro.


Outgoing senator Mar Roxas, as we all know, is not about to concede the vice presidency to Jojo Binay. Unless Korina says so.

Sketchy reports say Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes might concede to Noynoy Aquino within the week. But the three losing presidential candidates swear they will never ever concede to Vetellano Acosta.

Ang Tweet Naman!
Noynoy Aquino and Jojo Binay were both proclaimed today. Would you like to know the thoughts of other political figures and celebrities about (and during) today’s event? Let’s hack into their Twitter accounts to find out! These were ‘allegedly’ posted between 2PM and 4PM.

Say_ChizEscudero Still here in the holding room. Okay na okay dito kasi may smoking area.
16 minutes ago via Twitterrific

James_YapMVP Sana pala tinapos ko muna ang game ng Boston at Lakers. Sabi kasi ni Babez, mabilis lang ang proclaimashon. Pero bakit ganito? Ang daming speech. Boring na boring na ‘ko.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

simplyNoynoy i forgot my Marlboro sa kotse. Pareng @Say_ChizEscudero, paiskor naman ng isang stick diyan.
14 minutes ago via Twitterrific

i_am_KrisAquino @James_YapMVP Babe, behave. Nag-usap na tayo ‘di ba? Andito sina Ate Viel at Kuya Dodo. Tsaka si Ate Pinky at Kuya Eldon. Nakakahiya kung aalis ka. ‘Di pa napu-proclaim si Kuya.
9 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone

JoseSixtoDantesIII Preparing for Senator Noy’s proclamation. Nope, Marian won’t be with me. Masama ang gising eh. Murahin ba naman ako kanina ng “put*ng-i*a!” Iniwan ko nga!
About two hours ago

Sen_Mar_Roxas This is not right. This is not just right. Ako ang dapat na nasa Batasan ngayon. Ako ang dapat na ipu-proklama!
5 minutes ago via TweetDeck

DinkySoliman I’m baaaack! Lolz!
About an hour ago

Rated_K B*llsh*t%ll#^s*h^465*&T@!! Buwisit! ^8$#%#u6#*!#0 Buwisit! Hon, nasaan ka ba? Sabi mo uuwi ka before two o’clock!
About 30 minutes ago via web

TheFirm @DinkySoliman Akala mo ikaw lang?! We’re back too! Happy days are here again! Lolz! LMAO!

BoyAbunda Can’t concentrate on the speeches. It’s so hot in here. But Dingdong Dantes is so much hotter. Kagwapong bata.
15 minutes ago via web

Sen_Mar_Roxas @Rated_K Hon, what did I tell you? Turn off the freakin’ television! I’ll be there in a while.
11 minutes ago via TweetDeck

Ogie_Songwriter @SongBird Here na ko sa Batasan. I’m flanked by Shalani and Ma’am Dinky Soliman. Will meet you at GMA Annex Bldg after the proclamation. Kailangang mag-rehearse. Talo na naman tayo ng ASAP last Sunday. Hugs!
4 minutes ago via web

NogralesINTHEHOUSE @maloumangahas_PCIJ pagkatapos nitong proclamation, mag-usap tayo. kailangang mag-usap tayo. or else…
8 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Having late lunch with Nanay. Instructed my sisters not to turn the TV or radio on while the proclamation is ongoing. Masasaktan lang ang matanda.
25 minutes ago via Tumblr

Rated_K @Sen_Mar_Roxas Nakakairita! Ang ingay ng mga naka-dilaw sa gallery. I’m sure, mga bayarang squatters ‘yan na hinakot sa Makati. Mga walang class!
6 minutes ago via web

TheRealLorenLegarda *Sigh* Al Gore has flown back to the US. ‘Di man lang kami nakapag-usap. @Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Hi to Nanay Curing. Did she like the orange duster I sent her last Monday?
18 minutes ago via Ping.fm

ka_joma_sison @KaSatur, @KaPaengMariano, @KaLizaMaza ikasa n’yo na ang pambansang kilos-protesta sa inauguration ng naghaharing uring noynoy na ‘yan! walang dapat sayanging sandali! ibagsak ang oligarkiya!
3 seconds ago via UberTwitter

JustJamby Is that Shalani Soledad beside Ogie Alcasid? Woot! Woot! Lakas ng dating niya pare! @ka_joma_sison ‘musta na po kayo? baka dumalaw ako diyan soon. regards to ka luis jalandoni
18 minutes ago via UberTwitter

comm_larrazabal seated near the aquinos and commissioner melo. naiilang ako. nakatitig lagi sa kin ‘yung friend ni kris na si paul cabral. aarrgh!
about 1 hour ago via HootSuite

Rated_K Those traitors in yellow are now chanting Noy-Bi! Noy-Bi! Eh ‘di inamin n’yo rin. Nanlaglag nga kayo noong eleksyon!
8 minutes ago via web

Say_ChizEscudero Mahirap nang patulan ang mga inggit at talunan. They have nothing to lose anyway.
25 minutes ago via txt

Rated_K @Say_ChizEscudero Ay, bakit may nagre-react? Wala naman akong binabanggit na pangalan ah.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Sen_Mar_Roxas Hon, sabi nang cool ka lang eh. We’re filing an election protest soon! @ButchAbad Aabot ba ng 800 thousand ang null votes ko? Kung hindi, baka magsasayang lang tayo ng oras?
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP @GaryOlivar please update me sha proclamashion gary. Shobrang lamig pala dito sa Shanghai. Feeling ko magkaka-shakit ako. Diretsho na muna ko sha Lubao pag-uwi. Bahala na kayo sa palashyo huh.
15 minutes ago via web

Rated_K Yuckkkk. Mula anak hanggang apo, maitim. Ang lakas ng loob na idisplay sa Batasan ang buong pamilya! ‘Di naman kagandahan ang lahi! Hmpf! Makapag-pa-facial na nga lang! Sayang ang oras ko sa mga traydor!
13 minutes ago via web

Rgcruz_ABSCBN @tjmanotoc and @KIKOpangilinan are you guys on Twitter now? I heard my babaeng nagwawala. Mad na mad raw habang nanonood ng proclamation. True ba?
About 1hour ago via Tumblr

tjmanotoc @Rgcruz_ABSCBN No comment. I really don’t want to get into trouble again. Ask mo na lang si @ConradDQuiros_PDI
About 30 minutes ago via web

GMA_RP Ganung kabilish? Eh bakit ‘yung proklamashyon ko, inabot ng alas-dose ng hatinggabi? @GaryOlivar Ma’am, tapos na po ang proclamation. Kaninang 4o’clock pa na-proklama ang dalawa.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

ConradDQuiros_PDI @tjmanotoc and @Rgcruz_ABSCBN Even here in Twitter, there’s an ongoing clash between good and evil. ‘Nuff said. @simplyNoynoy Congratulations! May the force be with you until 2016!
7 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

GuidoDelgado_lovesNP just received a copy of a psychiatric report. this is revealing. will send copies to the media after the proclamation.

James_YapMVP @i_am_KrisAquino Babez, mauna na ‘ko. Hinahanap na raw ako ni Josh. MagDo-DotA pa kami. Love you babez.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

QuiboloyOnline Congratulations to our new president. Sasabihin ko na ang totoo. Ikaw talaga ang lumabas sa vision ko before the elections. Kaya lang, ‘di kita type.
half a minute ago via API

MannyVPangilinan Here’s my unsolicited advice to our new president. Noy, it is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.
About 30 minutes ago via web

ANC_RickyCarandang @MannyVPangilinan sir, i think the advice u gave noynoy wasn’t original. That’s a quote from Nelson Mandela. You must apologize!
2 minutes ago via UberTwitter

mannypacmanpacquiao Watch up? ‘Muzta kau jan sa ating bansa? Ditu kami ni Jinkee sa Mixicu with Bob Arum. Rigards sa inyung lahat jan sa Batasan. Kay Paring Nuynuy, kungratz! Basta, pasalamat ka lang lagi kay Lord. ‘Tsaka, kaya mo ‘yan. Gudlak. At lagi kayong manood ni Shalani ng Pinuy Rikurds! Hehehe Juk lang!
1 minute ago via web

joeySalceda_of_albay Bonggang-bongga ang proclamation ni Noy! Winner! At nang dumating si Dingdong, naloka ang mga utaw! As in! I’m sure, bobongga rin ang ating ekonomiya! @dantonremoto naku naman professor, baka maunahan ka pa ni noynoy dito, nakakahiya. so fly ka na here sa resto! lafanggerzz ever! now na!
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP thanks for the updates @GaryOlivar! i am starting to love shanghai, china. ooops, gtg. naghihintay na shi mike. mag-go-golf muna kami. and don’t worry gary, hindi namin kashama ang mag-ashawang jose at gina de venecia. nandiyan shila sha batashan. so it’s safe. ‘noh?
——————————–
“The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.”
~James Garfield

The Final Tally

(Note: Vetellano Acosta got 181,985 votes/Courtesy of ABS-CBN News)

Survey Says
Should ‘sex education’ be taught in grade school?
Absolutely! 64%
No way! 24%
Hmmm, i’ll think about it. 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
And just like that, the Los Angeles Lakers have regained homecourt advantage. We’re wrapping up the series in 6! Wohoo!

For updates and more insane posts, follow me on Twitter.





WHAT YOSI IS WHAT YOU GET

25 05 2010


JUST SO YOU KNOW, last May 22, the International Day for Biological Diversity was celebrated in 11 countries around the world – from Algeria to the Philippines and from Ecuador to the United Kingdom. During the celebration, Ecuador opened its largest protected wildlife zone; Algeria reported the discovery of a new reptilian species, and the Philippines confirmed that koalas were no longer endemic to Australia.

Have you been following the investigation being conducted by the Lower House on the revelations of “koala boy” as regards the alleged poll fraud? Several defeated candidates from Luzon to Visayas and Mindanao divulged that unidentified men offered to rig the automated polls in their favor for a fee. But the candidates rejected the offer because the purported ‘koala boys’ wanted the payment to be made in Australian dollars.

This just in: Feisty senator Miriam Defensor Santiago has dared “koala boy” to reveal his identity. If not, the senator will reportedly unmask the political operator behind him. Malakas umano ang kutob ng senadora na si “koala boy” ay nagtatago ngayon sa isang “puno.”

Top 5 Revelations in “Koala Boy’s” New Video Allegedly Coming Out Soon

No. 5: That the original plan was for him to appear in a gecko suit but “it’s too hot in there”

No. 4: That homosexual voters actually voted in bloc but Comelec 2nd Division Commissioners Elias Yusoph, Nicodemo Ferrer, and Lucenito Tagle shaved off thousands of votes from ‘Ang Ladlad’ and Sen. Jamby Madrigal

No. 3: That an altered version of his video exposé will be released to discredit him. Wearing only black briefs and a red bandana tied around his head, the video shows ‘koala boy’ gyrating to Justin Bieber’s remake of ‘Careless Whisper’

No. 2: That he’s willing to reveal his true identity in Congress on condition that Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin won’t call him “son of a bitch” on live TV

And the No. 1 revelation in “koala boy’s” new video allegedly coming out soon…

That Smartmatic’s Cesar Flores and Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal are “partners in crime” adding that both men fondly call each other “papa bear” in private.

In Other News…
Defeated Davao City mayoral candidate, and outgoing House Speaker Prospero Nograles has filed an electoral protest citing conspiracy on the part of his rival Sara Duterte and local poll officials. Saying he’s not sourgraping, Nograles insists he’s just after the naked truth.

Not Quitting
Noynoy Aquino says he won’t quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. Did you know what happened the last time he tried to stop smoking? He decided to run for president!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino said he would not quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, this morning, he tried NOT to smoke. As a result, he had to grasp for an answer when his maid asked him, ‘Ser, iskrambol po ba o sony side up?”

Noynoy Aquino says he is not going to quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, on the day that he decided NOT to quit smoking, he was trying to quit smoking!

Top 5 Things to Tell Noynoy Aquino To Make Him Quit

No. 5: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibubunyag nina Korina Sanchez, Diana Zubiri, Bernadette Sembrano, at Barbara Milano kung bakit sila nakipag-break sa ‘yo!

No. 4: Kapag ‘di ka tumitigil sa paninigarilyo, hindi kayo puwedeng mag-computer games ni Joshua.

No. 3: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, magagalit si Papa Jesus!

No. 2: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibabalik sa ‘yo ni Mar Roxas si Korina Sanchez!

And the No. 1 thing to tell Noynoy Aquino to make him quit…

Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ikaw ulit ang presidente from 2016 to 2022!

MVP and Meralco
Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will become chief executive officer of the country’s largest power retailer Manila Electric Company. So don’t be surprised if you and your neighbors would have similar if not identical billing statements.

Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will be the CEO of Meralco. Also on July 1, Meralco’s tagline, “May liwanag ang buhay” will be replaced with a new slogan, “Go, Meralco! One Big Light!”

Survey Says
Should President-apparent Noynoy Aquino appoint members of the Hyatt 10 or The Firm in key government posts?
SURE. They’re capable. 18.4%
NO! TAMA NA! They’ve had their time. 63.4%
Bahala siya sa buhay niya! 18.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Noynoy’s ‘little president’

A Manila Standard Today Lifestyle columnist came up with his own list of the most admired TV journalists





MADAM CURING

27 04 2010

AN EMOTIONAL NANAY CURING VILLAR, mother of presidential candidate Manuel Villar Jr. faced the media to defend her son against his critics. The press con organized by Villar’s media group has just earned for Nanay Curing the distinction of being the oldest campaign paraphernalia yet.

The 86-year-old mother of presidential candidate Manny Villar spoke to the media to defend her son against his critics. Not to be outdone, the Aquino family is rumored to be conducting a séance to give Cory a chance to defend Noynoy.

Newspapers and news programs carried the story of Nanay Curing Villar’s press con with her daughters Baby, Vicky, Lourdes, and Cecile… marking the first time that newscasts and news reports mentioned the names of a presidentiable’s sisters other than Ballsy, Pinky, Kris, and Viel.

An emotional Nanay Curing Villar faced the media to defend her son against his critics. Nanay Curing became emotional when she learned that she’d be facing the cameras without her favorite interviewer, Boy Abunda.

In a presscon organized by her son’s media group, Nanay Curing Villar became emotional, her blood pressure shooting up to 130 over 90. But one of her daughters, Baby Villar-Benedicto was even more emotional. Lashing at the Aquino camp, and denouncing two media networks for their alleged bias, Baby’s blood pressure shoots up to 150 over acting.

Top 5 Questions that Allegedly Made Nanay Curing Cry During Her PressCon

No. 5: Kumusta po bilang manugang si Congresswoman Cynthia Villar?

No. 4: Totoo po bang nag-Pasko kayo sa gitna ng kalsada? Kung oo, wala po bang dumaang sasakyan?

No. 3: Magkano po ang TF na tinanggap n’yo sa paglantad n’yo ngayon?

No. 2: Who are you wearing?

And the No. 1 question that allegedly made Nanay Curing cry during her press con…

Bakit po ninyo pinayagang maligo sa dagat ng basura si Manny gayong alam n’yong delikado ito sa kanyang kalusugan?

In Other News…
Loren and Surveys

According to the latest SWS/Business World survey, Sen. Loren Legarda drops to No. 3 in the vice presidential race. The survey reportedly alarmed Legarda who has always enjoyed being No. 2.

Teodoro for Duterte
Gilbert Teodoro has reportedly endorsed the Dutertes of Davao City. But mayoral candidate Prospero Nograles is unfazed by Gibo’s endorsement of his rivals. In fact, Nograles is so confident of winning against Sarah Duterte that he allegedly vowed to run naked around the city if he loses in the May 10 polls.

Sanchez, Critical
Doctors say former Batangas governor and Nacionalista Party gubernatorial bet Armando Sanchez is comatose after suffering a stroke yesterday. Asked about Sanchez’ chance of survival, the doctor replied, “Tumbok na diyes porsiyento, sahod na singko!”

Doctors say former Batangas governor Armand Sanchez has 5- to 10-percent chance of survival. Out of respect for Sanchez’ condition, jueteng draws in the province have been indefinitely postponed.

UPDATED: 8:23PM/Tuesday
Former Batangas Governor Armand Sanchez is dead. The Nacionalista Party is looking for a replacement candidate. Rumors say there are at least three names being considered. At press time though, they haven’t picked one. Binobola pa raw.

Jamby’s Protest
Sen. Jamby Madrigal has started her hunger strike. It will last until May 10… meaning, she’d probably be the first presidential candidate ever to spend election day in the hospital. Taray!

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ang bunsu mu bang si Jude ang prublima mu? Itu ang dapat mung gawin. Papuntahin mu sa timplu ku at aking ipi-pray uvir. Kapag ‘di nagbagu, supurtahan mu na lang kung saan siya injuy.”
B: “O, bakit napakamut ka sa ulu? Simpli lang naman ang riquist ku. ‘Wag mung papakialaman ang aking rial istit vinture in kis manalu ka uli.”
C: “Ganitu na lang. Kapag si Quibuluy, nag-Tiuduru, ang CBCP ay nag-Nuynuy, at ang Iglisia ay nag-Villar, ikaw ang iindursu ku. Amen?? Amen!”

——————-
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~French Proverb

Survey Says…
Should election surveys be banned?
DAPAT LANG! 41%
HINDI NOH! 42%
EWAN. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





TESTS

13 04 2010

FIRST GENTLEMAN MIKE ARROYO, who was released from the hospital last week, gets a couple of good news today. One, he is now allowed to go out for a walk, and two, Prospero Nograles is now supporting Manny Villar.

Leaving Lakas?
House Speaker Prospero Nograles, Lakas vice chairman, has thrown his support behind Nacionalista Party’s Manny Villar. It took some time before Nograles made a decision. So when he discovered that his heart was really for the NP leader, he ran around the hotel naked shouting Villar’s name.

Prospero Nograles has reportedly bolted Lakas and is now supporting the presidential bid of Manny Villar. But Nograles’ decision did not shock Lakas standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro. In fact, Gibô was more surprised by the reported death of veteran comedian Palito saying, “Buhay pa pala siya?!?”

All-Time Low
The Social Weather Stations says President Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating is down to –53 percent, an all-time low. Because of the “F” or failing grade she received from Filipinos, Mrs. Arroyo says she’s more than willing to repeat.


Poland in Mourning
Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Unverified reports say, before the plane crashed, it was flying too low. Yeah, it was flying too low that it almost collided with President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Tsk… tsk… tsk. Napag-iiwanan na talaga ang Pilipinas!

MVP Stays
The Ateneo De Manila University Board of Trustees has decided to reject the resignation of its chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan. Consequently, the board announced that the university is adopting a new slogan. From “Lux Domino” (Light in the Lord), the new slogan will be, “Plagiarius est non bonus tamen nos postulo viaticus” (Plagiarism is not good but we need cash).

LP vs. NP
Sen. Manny Villar has challenged Sen. Noynoy Aquino to undergo a psychiatric test. Felt slighted by the challenge, Noynoy told Villar, “Magpapa-psychiatric test lang ako kung mamamatay ka muna dahil walang pampagamot.”

————————
“It all comes down to serving the ones who are fighting alongside you, watching your back, putting a weapon in your hand when you need it most.”
~James Luceno

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sa nangyayaring batuhan ng putik sa kampanya?
Partido Liberal ni NOYNOY 14%
Partido Nacionalista ni VILLAR 24%
Pareho sila! Punyeta! 62%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Today is April 13
On this date in…

1997: Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win The Masters Tournament at 21. He celebrates the victory by having sex with 21 women.

1977: Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up” is released… instantly becoming a hit among members of Lakas-CMD-Kampi.

1880: At the Ateneo De Manila, Dr. Jose Rizal writes the allegory titled Consejo de los Dioses (Council of the Gods) and wins a prize. Rizal relinquished the prize a week later after admitting that portions of his work were plagiarized.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Have you received your latest Meralco billing statement? Punyeta! Manny Pangilinan, maldita ka! Ano ‘tong ginawa mo?!? Ang laki ng babayarin namin!%3%@7#*&)








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