22 07 2014

A POTENTIAL TYPHOON has been monitored by PAGASA. It is expected to enter the Philippine Area of Responsibility this week and will be named ‘Inday.’ Everyone should prepare because Inday has been described by weathermen as “masipag,” “mabilis” and “walang tigil sa katatrabaho.”

AS IN the previous years, we publish the names of tropical cyclones that continue to threaten the archipelago. This year, the following typhoons made our list.

Typhoon Enrile
Matagal-tagal na rin ang pananatili nito sa Philippine Area of Responsibility at mahaba-habang panahon na ring nananalasa. Mabuti na lang at sa huling monitoring ng PAGASA, humihina na ang bagyong ito. Gayunman, pinag-iingat ang publiko sa anak nitong bagyo.

Typhoon Kris
Napakaingay ng bagyong ito kaya’t ang atensyon ng lahat ng tao ay nakatutok sa kanya. Maraming galit kay Typhoon Kris pero patuloy pa rin nilang minu-monitor ang kanyang galaw.

Typhoon Imelda
Dekada sisenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik.

Typhoon Napoles
Malawak ang dulot nitong pananalanta. Malaking halaga ng ari-arian ang nawala dahil sa kanya.

Typhoon Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Hindi gaanong napapansin ang dala niyang pinsala dahil marami rin namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Inaasahan ang mas malawak na sakop na kaulapan ng Typhoon Binay sa taong 2016.

Typhoon Noynoy
Ang bagyong choosy. Kung supporters niya ang mga residente sa isang lugar, ligtas sila. Kung hindi, babagyuhin niya.

Typhoon Bong
Matagal na palang nananalanta ang bagyong ito bago na-detect ng PAGASA. Nabawasan ang kanyang biktima nang maisapubliko ang kanyang bagsik.

Typhoon Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Typhoon Gigi
Malakas na ulan ang kanyang dala. Luha nang luha ang pucha. Ang drama! May kakabit na bagyo si Typhoon Gigi. Mas malakas sila kung magsasanib-puwersa.

Typhoon Mar
Habang tumatagal, pahina nang pahina ang bagyong ito. Nawawala na sa radar.

Typhoon Abad
Hindi kalakasan pero hindi rin gumagalaw sa puwesto; nananatili lamang siya sa gitna.

And finally…
Typhoon Jinggoy
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod ng lakas ang hangin.

Dear Mother Nature,
Stop sending us destructive typhoons. We already have our politicians.

On Monday, the Lower House accepted an impeachment complaint filed against President Aquino. Archbishop emeritus Oscar Cruz signed the complaint saying he cannot allow the misuse and abuse of taxes he didn’t pay.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, if presidential elections were held today, 4 of 10 will definitely vote for Jejomar Binay. Those four were Bong, Jinggoy, Enrile and Erap.

President Aquino has signed the Graphic Health Warnings Law. To raise awareness on the ill-effects of smoking, the legislative measure requires tobacco companies to put the President’s photo on cigarette packs.

INC Centennial
The influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo kicked off its centennial celebration on Monday, July 21. The event was held at the sprawling, newly-inaugurated tithely-packed Philippine Arena.

In his address at the INC centennial event, President Aquino said, it’s our duty to love one another instead of “propagating misunderstanding.” His speech was titled, “Note to Self.”

At the Iglesia ni Cristo gathering on Monday in Bulacan, several politicians were spotted. I’m not sure about the exact number but it’s close to 2016.
“LIFE isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,it’s about learning to DANCE in the rain.”
~Vivian Greene

Sound Bites
“For the past 100 years, itinuturo po ng aming simbahan ang kusang pagkakaloob. Ito naman po ay walang pilitan. Kung anuman ang aming nakalap ay nagagamit lamang para sa mga pangangailangan ng simbahan.”
~Bro. Edwin Zabala, INC spokesperson

Poll Results
Matapos marinig ang paliwanag ni Pangulong Aquino ukol sa DAP, alin ang mas matimbang sa ‘yo?

-Desisyon ng Korte Suprema 69.44%
-Paliwanag ng Pangulo 21.03%
-Hindi ko alam ang isyu. Magbabasa muna ako. 9.52%

Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: UNTv Web, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Malacañang]


19 07 2014

BASED ON recent events in the Philippines, this list was inspired by the viral two-sentence horror stories that originally appeared on Reddit.

1: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima called an emergency press conference today. Benhur Luy has been missing for 48 hours.

2: The new vice president is about to take his oath of office. Joseph Estrada has never been this proud of his son, Jinggoy.

3: The Sandiganbayan was left with no choice but to allow the transfer of Gigi Reyes to St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig. BJMP-appointed doctors say she’s been in labor for three hours and the baby’s not breathing.

4: It’s already 2014. The country is still experiencing brownouts.

5: President Aquino tells government lawyers to no longer pursue the motion for reconsideration against SC’s DAP ruling. Secretary Coloma tells reporters it’s just a joke.

6: In his homily, the bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. He’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Napoles.

7: The reporter is surrounded by sparkling diamonds, pearls, and luxury purses. It’s the annual SONA Red Carpet in Batasan Complex.

8: He entered the room and saw red, black, and blue. He panicked but it was too late to quit the brotherhood.

9: In the mock polls conducted Wednesday, Bongbong Marcos emerged as the students’ top pick for president. The mock election was held in Ateneo.

10: Bro. Mike Velarde and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the El Shaddai House on Friday. Dozens of politicians were present.

11: It’s a rainy, rush hour Friday payday. You’re aboard a passenger bus and couldn’t hold your pee any longer.

12: I have been waiting to be served in the crowded SSS office for almost four hours. When it was already my turn, the staff announced a 90-minute lunch break.

13: The traffic lights are working. A traffic enforcer emerges from the police outpost and decides to direct the traffic himself.

14: You died but was given another chance to “live.” You were resurrected as Janet Napoles’s vagina.

15: Miguel has an 8AM meeting in Makati and it’s already 7:30. The sea of people at the MRT North Avenue station makes him dizzy.

16: Within minutes, the heavy and continuous rains submerged streets in the metro. Classes were then suspended and students were advised to go home.

17: After a long bus ride from work, the starving office employee slumped into a chair. It was only Monday.

18: Miss Universe candidates are expected to arrive next week. The pageant is being held in Ukraine.

19: Star Cinema has released an extended trailer of its latest project – a heavy drama. Playing the role of twins in the movie is Kris Aquino.

And finally…
20: There are more than seven billion people on Earth today. You’re still loveless.

Worst Airport
A septic tank at the NAIA Terminal 1 overflowed Saturday releasing foul smell and causing a minor flood at the departure area. Malacañang immediately issued a very short statement: Shit happens.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes who arrived at the Sandiganbayan in handcuffs Friday reportedly cried during her arraignment. But the emotional moment became awkward when the justices and everyone else in the courtroom applauded and gave her a standing ovation.
“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.”
~ Stephen King

Sound Bites
“It is kind of the world’s biggest crime scene right now.”
~ Michael Bociurkiw, spokesman of the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe describing the crash scene of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17

What have we become?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang,]


17 07 2014

PRESIDENT AQUINO’s net satisfaction rating has dropped 20 percent in June to an all-time low +25. It was +45 in March. Analysts say the only thing that could reverse the trend is for Cory Aquino to die again.

According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating is at an all-time low. That explains why his hairline is at an all-time high.

“Use It or Lose It”
Last Monday, the President addressed the nation to defend the controversial Disbursement Acceleration Program. He slammed the Supreme Court for declaring DAP unlawful. President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating has dropped so low the only thing he’s above now is the law.

In a televised address Monday evening, President Aquino defended DAP and criticized the Supreme Court for ruling against it, 13-0. But netizens were divided on the issue: 50 percent were anti-DAP and 50 percent were pro-Supreme Court.

Defending the use of government savings to hasten project implementation, President Aquino said, “Use it or lose it.” Among those who agreed with Aquino on his “Use it or lose it.” line were his Cabinet men, his legal advisers, and his sperm cells.

In his address, President Aquino used popular catchphrases such as “Now na!” and “Excuse me…” When sought for reaction, the opposition said, “Whatevs!”

What a week for Luzon residents! The weather was just terrible. ‘Glenda’ (international name: Rammasun) was one of the most stubborn typhoons we’ve had in years. It was that stubborn PAGASA almost changed its name to ‘Noynoy.’

Packing turbulent winds of up to 185 kph, Typhoon Glenda pummeled Metro Manila and Luzon. Roofs, trees, posts, and billboards fell. The President’s rating can relate.

Dr. Anthony Lontoc of the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital (TPDH) says Gigi Reyes has “suicidal tendencies.” Filipinos are not convinced. They want her to prove it. Now na!

Lawyer Gigi Reyes has been brought back to Camp Bagong Diwa in Taguig from the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City. A series of separate tests at the Heart Center and TPDH showed similar results: she can act.

As a sign of protest against the dismissal of her case against Vhong Navarro, detained model-wannabe Deniece Cornejo “slashed” her wrist. Your turn Gigi Reyes, your turn.

Just Married
In Mexico, a politician married a crocodile for good luck. In the Philippines, politicians don’t marry crocodiles. They ARE the crocodiles.

1111New Thor
Marvel will soon introduce a new Thor. And she’s a woman. Yes, the son of Odin will soon be transformed into a female character. The story begins with Thor’s visit to Thailand.

The new Thor will be a woman. Her enemies will never ever win – an argument against her.

Marvel has just announced that the new Thor will be a woman. Her superpowers include temper, unpredictability and moodswings.
“Pride is the mother of arrogance.”
~Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Sound Bites
“I am sure the people do not believe P-Noy stole or pocketed the money.”
~Sen. Sonny Angara on President Aquino’s defense and DAP

Video of the Week
Canadian rapper/songwriter Drake as Manny Pacquiao – HILARIOUS!

Poll Results
Tinanggihan ni Pangulong Aquino ang pagbibitiw ni Sec. Butch Abad. Kung ikaw ang kalihim…

-Igigiit ko pa rin ang pagbibitiw sa puwesto. 81.52%
-Mananatili ako sa puwesto dahil may tiwala pa rin ang pangulo. 10.9%
-Mag-iisip muna ako. Give me time. 7.58%

Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, BBC]


12 07 2014

THE 66th ANNUAL Primetime Emmy Awards nominations have been announced. For best drama series, ‘Game of Thrones’ got 19 nominations. In the acting category, Gigi Reyes got 20!

Senator Enrile’s ex-chief of staff Gigi Reyes was not able to attend her arraignment. She cited a history of Bell’s palsy seizure and coronary artery disease, and complained of chest pains, hypertension, headaches, difficulty in breathing, stiffening of hands and feet, fatigue, and palpitations. Attending physicians called it neurocirculatory asthenia. In layman’s terms, karma.

Gigi Reyes was not able to attend her arraignment. The hospital bulletin says Reyes lacks the appetite to eat and often gets dizzy – prompting Senator Enrile to issue a preemptive statement denying he’s the father.

This alleged plunderer spent less than five hours in jail. On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

Last Thursday, Budget Secretary Butch Abad offered to step down. However, President Aquino decided to reject the resignation. That was a bald decision, I mean bold.

Sec. Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad offered to resign. Had the President accepted it, there would only be eight Abads left in government.

Embattled Budget Secretary Butch Abad offered to quit his post. But President Aquino refused to let him go. Even Mrs. Henedina Abad was like, “Clingy much?!”

President Aquino has rejected the resignation of Budget Sec. Butch Abad. To be fair to Kris Aquino, she knows when to “graciously let go.”

The Japanese politician who cried on TV while defending himself against allegations he pocketed people’s money has resigned. Too bad he’s not that close to the president.

The remorseful Japanese politician who was accused of corruption has resigned. When Jinggoy and Bong heard the news, they said, “’Buti na lang ‘di tayo Japanese.”

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Reports say a number of barangays in Makati City will experience power interruption. Residents are advised to be ready with abaniko. The Binays are advised to be ready for blackout-related jokes.

Robert Edward Musa Cerantonio, an Australian national with alleged links to Iraqi extremist group ISIS was arrested in Lapu-lapu City in Cebu. Authorities however began to suspect that Cerantonio was Filipino when he started to complain of anxiety attack and asked for a wheelchair.

Again, Cowards
Four (not one as initially reported) frat men who were tagged as suspects in the fatal hazing of Benilde sophomore student Guillo Cesar Servando have left the country. The suspects who decided to flee were members of the Tago Gamma Phi fraternity.
“The law should be a shield for the weak and powerless, not a club for the powerful.”
~Roy Barnes, former governor of Georgia, USA

Sound Bites
“I have decided not to accept his resignation. To accept his resignation is to assign to him a wrong and I cannot accept the notion that doing right by our people is wrong.”
~President Aquino on Sec. Butch Abad

Poll Results
Susuportahan mo ba ang anumang impeachment move laban kay President Aquino?
-NO. 54.22%
-YES. 28.57%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 17.21%

UP Fight!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Television Academy, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Bloomberg.Com, Reuters. Herald Sun]


10 07 2014

THE PRIEST who humiliated an unwed, teenage mom during a baptismal ceremony in Mandaue City, Cebu has issued an apology. Fr. Romeo Obach apologized for his “rude attitude.” He admitted that the incident has taught him an important lesson: never allow the use of camera phones inside the church.

A Catholic priest officiating a baptismal ceremony in Mandaue City was caught on video condemning the baby’s unwed mom. Berating the woman, Fr. Romeo Obach said, “You are shameless. You slept with a man who is not even your husband.” To protect her privacy, the woman was identified in some news reports only as “alias Kris Aquino.”

To the teenage mom’s relatives, Fr. Romeo Obach asked, “Is she being a good Christian? Will you spread your legs for a man you barely know?” It’s 2014 Father. You have no freakin’ idea!

Father Obach’s congregation, the Redemptorists of the Province of Cebu has denounced his “unacceptable act.” While the group considers Obach “a good missionary,” it has vowed to impose appropriate sanctions once the ongoing probe is completed. In punishing members and allies who commit mistakes, the Congregation wants to set a good example to parishioners, priests, and the Aquino administration!

The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

Lawyer Jessica Lucila ‘Gigi’ Reyes is now detained in a regular jail with hardened criminals. The once powerful and influential Senate chief of staff couldn’t believe these things are happening. She feels awful, horrible, and defeated. In short, Butch Abad.

Senator Enrile’s influential former chief of staff Gigi Reyes was ordered transferred to a regular jail for women in Bicutan. I heard she’s the 24th inmate.

Gigi Reyes is now in Bicutan, Taguig. That makes her Taguig’s 3rd senator.

Sen. JV Ejercito visited Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile in Camp Crame the other day. But the neophyte lawmaker did not visit his half-brother Jinggoy Estrada who’s also jailed in Camp Crame. Sources say JV opted to return to work instead of checking on a depressed Jinggoy. You know, business before pleasure.

For his defense, Bong Revilla wants to present as witnesses President Aquino, former president Arroyo, Budget Sec. Butch Abad, Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales, Justice Sec. Leila De Lima, COA Chair Grace Pulido-Tan and his closest friends and supporters at GMA Network, among others. Star-studded! If all else fails, he’ll call Nardong Putik, Tiagong Akyat, Bertong Suklab, Tonyong Bayawak, Elias Paniki, Joaquin Bordado, Pepeng Kuryente and Pepeng Agimat to back him up.

Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles reportedly sent a note to the CBCP asking that she be taken into protective custody by the bishops. The CBCP didn’t take it seriously because the note was sent with a box of ensaymada.

Exclusive! The note sent by Napoles to the CBCP:


World Cup
Everyone’s talking about Brazil’s heartbreaking and humiliating 1-7 loss to Germany in the semifinals of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Germany scored its first five goals in a span of only 19 minutes! Brazil’s defense was even worse than Malacañang’s defense of DAP.

At last, it’s the World Cup finals! Germany takes on Argentina. This 2014 World Cup has been going on for like almost a month! Yes, that long. In fact, when the first match of this World Cup started, Herbert Bautista was still in love with Kris Aquino.

When the first match of this World Cup started, Butch Abad’s DAP was “still” constitutional.

When the first match of this World Cup started, Imelda Marcos was only 84!

Wanted: Coward
One of the suspects in the death of hazing victim Guillo Cesar Servando of the College of St. Benilde has fled the country. Kevin John Navoa of the Tau Gamma Phi fraternity reportedly left in haste: no luggage, no clothes, and definitely, no balls!

Season 77 of the UAAP officially begins on Saturday, July 12. Reports say prominent fans will be cheering for their favorites. There’s Vice Ganda for FEU; Mike Enriquez for DLSU, and Imelda Marcos for Ateneo.

Secret Wedding
Nine years ago on July 10, Kris Aquino and James Yap had a secret wedding at Boy Abunda’s home in Quezon City. His marriage to the Multimedia Queen confirmed suspicions that James was a masochist.
“Ah, you coward! Look at you, running.”
~Jonathan Stroud, Heroes of the Valley

Sound Bites
“These are the hypocrites of today – the ones who clericalize the church, who keep the people of God from salvation.”
~Pope Francis on priests who refuse to baptize children of unwed moms


[Photos: Children of God Blog, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Kris Aquino IG, Solar Sports]


6 07 2014

SENATOR JUAN Ponce Enrile was arrested last Friday, July 4. The 90-year-old lawmaker underwent booking procedures at Camp Crame. His mugshots were taken and he was fingerprinted. However, booking photos were not released to the media. Instead, these were sealed in a box labeled ‘artifacts.’

Remember Enrile’s campaign slogan? He said, ‘Gusto ko happy ka!’ We all are now. Thanks!

Even before Senator Enrile left his Dasmariñas Village mansion, hordes of reporters were already waiting for him in Camp Crame. When he arrived, there was an ambush interview. Nope, it wasn’t fake or staged.

Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, the former senate president was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

Gigi Reyes is temporarily detained at the Sandiganbayan building. The powerful and influential “24th senator” reportedly broke down when she learned that the anti-graft court ordered that she be committed to a regular jail. What the hell did she expect: a love nest?

2detImelda and Ateneans
Photos of Ateneo students with former First Lady Imelda Marcos have gone viral. Imelda was the ‘guest of honor’ at a social event organized by the Ateneo Scholarship Foundation or ASF. The amused Ateneans even flashed the V-sign – a known Marcos hand gesture. Netizens could only cringe. Apparently, ASF scholars do not have units in Philippine history.

Amid mounting criticisms, the president of Ateneo De Manila University issued an apology. Fr. Jett Villarin also explained that young Ateneans were taught “not to forget the Martial Law years of oppression and injustice.” Based on that photo, yeah, those Ateneans did not forget. They did not know.

The family of a hazing victim from UP will file charges against the involved fraternity – the prestigious Upsilon Sigma Phi. The victim who’s a minor is still confined at the St. Luke’s Medical Center. Upsilon has yet to issue an official denial, excuse me, official statement.

A Japanese politician accused of pocketing government funds became an Internet sensation when a video of him crying hysterically became viral. The politician decided to speak on national TV to deny the allegations – in a dramatic fashion. He was later identified as Ryutaro Revilla Jr.

Former French President Nicholas Sarkozy was recently arrested and questioned over corruption allegations. Sarkozy surrendered quietly, saying he’s not after publicity; he’s not seeking public sympathy, and he’s not a Filipino politician.

Bike Thief
A 19-year-old resident of Makati City was arrested for his involvement in the alleged spate of motorcycle thefts in Barangay Rizal. The suspect identified as Erol Legazpi Bautista seeks public understanding saying he did it in ‘good faith.’

Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.
“But, mark my words; someday she’ll get what’s coming to her. Karma’s a bigger bitch than she is.”
~ Kathleen Brooks

Pic of the Week
That headline and that photo. You are so wicked Philippine Star. I love that.

Sound Bites
“I did [ask Dad] at dineny niya sa akin. Wala daw siyang ninakaw na halagang maski piso daw po.”
~Jack Enrile

“The guiding spirit of frats in our culture is “walang iwanan,” not in the sense that Gawad Kalinga uses it, which is not to leave behind the biblical “least of our brethren,” but in the sense of not abandoning a ritual brother right or wrong, guilty or innocent, malevolent or decent.”
~Conrado De Quiros, Mark of Cain

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler,  @KassyDoodle, ANC, @FakeJakeShakes/PhilStar]


4 07 2014

LAST JULY 2, former First Lady, and now Ilocos Norte Rep. Imelda Marcos turned 85 – Or as Enrile would say, ‘young!’

On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

According to Imelda, she had seen the “worst, worst, worst” in life. That’s what happens when you spend so much time in front of the mirror.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

To mark her 85th birthday, Imelda visited the refrigerated body of her husband, Ferdinand Marcos. When she planted a kiss on the glass coffin though, he gave her the cold shoulder.

On her birthday, former First Lady Imelda Marcos dramatically planted a kiss on her husband’s glass coffin. She then waxed poetic about the late dictator.

Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Surrounded by her loyal supporters, Mrs. Marcos was crowned with flowers on her birthday. That tribute was moving. Her face wasn’t.

The College of St. Benilde sophomore who was killed during a hazing ritual has been cremated. Meanwhile, a UP student – yet another hazing victim is reportedly in the ICU of St. Luke’s Medical Center right now. As expected, some fratmen are defending their “brods” saying hazing is a tradition that will eventually benefit the neophytes; they only want the best for them. In the words of palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda, “good faith.”

The Supreme Court has ruled that the Abad Aquino administration’s Disbursement Acceleration Program was unconstitutional and therefore, illegal. What did Malacanang say? “DAP was used to accelerate projects to help benefit the country and our countrymen. DAP was used for noble projects that benefited the people.” These were the exact words of palace spokesman Edwin Machiavelli.

Militant party-list group Gabriela gave Nora Aunor an”Artista ng Bayan” award for her “exemplary performance” in the 1976 film ‘Minsa’y Isang Gamu-gamo,’ a movie that was critical of American military presence in the Philippines. When told of the award, the Superstar instructed her secretary to draft a ‘Thank You’ note which she plans to give Gabriela in 2052.

Amid the National Artist debate, militant party-list group Gabriela on Friday gave Nora Aunor an award for her “exemplary performance” in the 1976 movie, ‘Minsa’y Isang Gamu-gamo.’ In other news, PETA has lambasted Steven Spielberg for depicting animal cruelty in his 1975 thriller ‘Jaws.’

1vGovernor Vi
Some people are being mean to Batangas Governor Vilma Santos. They are mocking her grammatical lapses in a note sent to Kris Aquino. She misspelled the world ‘truly.’ Governor Vi has since apologized and admitted she was a former Starbucks barista.

Kris Aquino has also said sorry to Governor Vi. The TV host explained she posted the ‘Thank You’ note in ‘good faith.’ Kris is now the frontrunner for the post of palace spokesperson.

A drunk Shia LaBeaouf was recently arrested for disrupting a Broadway musical. The good news is the 28-year-old actor is getting treatment for alcohol addiction. The bad news is he won’t win a National Artist award.
“There are always rules to bend; Laws to break.”
~Abdelrahman Ashraf Abuzied

“I’ve said it before, I say it again now. It is stupid, katangahan and kabobohan to allow your body to be beaten to a pulp by so-called brothers who had you convinced they will care for you the rest of your life. Our young are falling prey to and are being devoured by their quest for power via a brotherhood that is fake.”
~Ma. Ceres P. Doyo, Frat torturers and their victims are weaklings

“I’ve never been unfaithful.”
~Former senator Kiko Pangilinan when asked by ‘Walang Pasaway’ host Mareng Winnie Monsod if he ever cheated on Sharon Cuneta

“Yes! I have cancer. Now I am entering another dimension of human life.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
He is a high-profile politician; married with children.
He projects a ‘loyal to my wife’ image.
He is not a womanizer.
Unimpeachable sources: “Well, he’s really not a womanizer ‘cause he prefers men.”
He would take his conquest abroad, far from the madding Filipino crowd.
And he’d call him ‘babe.’

Clue? ‘Wag na lang. Sakyan na lang natin ang hilig niya.


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Philippine Daily Inquirer Kris Aquino IG, Carlo Osi]


1 07 2014

AN 18-year-old student of the College of St. Benilde died due to fraternity hazing Saturday night. Malacañang has vowed to take swift action on the case athough nothing could be swifter than Tau Gamma Phi members fleeing the crime scene.

The grieving father of the hazing victim said his son wanted to back out but members of the Tau Gamma Phi Fraternity threatened to kill him if he’d quit. They did anyway.

1Nobel Prize
Rumors say the government is lobbying for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for President Aquino. Noranians are hoping he gets snubbed.

On Tuesday, President Aquino admitted that he rejected the nomination of Nora Aunor for National Artist because of her drug conviction. Hi Mr. President, Year 2005 called. Mag-move on ka na raw!

Special Treatment
Detained lawmakers Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have reportedly violated rules on visitation. Insiders reveal the PNP Custodial Center is allowing it. New Bilibid Prison officials slammed the head of the Custodial Center for his lack of originality.

Rappler reported that food was never a problem for the alleged plunderers. Unconfirmed reports say prison guards allow visitors to throw meat or live chicken toward them.

Aside from Jinggoy Estrada’s suspension, government prosecutors are also asking the anti-graft court to suspend Bong Revilla from the Senate. If he gets suspended, Revilla won’t be able to work as a senator – if at all.

Jinggoy Estrada was arraigned Monday on charges of plunder and 11 counts of graft. The senator entered a plea of “not Sexy.”

Associate Justice Gregory Ong of the Sandiganbayan is facing dismissal for allegedly fixing a case that benefited pork barrel queen Janet Napoles in 2010 and receiving millions of pesos in return. He definitely puts the ‘gory’ in Gregory.

When asked about a photo of him with Janet Napoles and Jinggoy Estrada, Sandiganbayan Associate Justice Gregory Ong said he did not know that it was Napoles in the picture. Even Janet Napoles was like, “Ulol!”

Black Propaganda
UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco is in the news again. This time, he is talking about yet another alleged demolition job against Vice President Binay. The demolition job, he says, will attempt to link the Vice President to the controversial Disbursement Acceleration Program or DAP. Binay is not worried – but he appreciates Tiangco’s efforts to get media mileage.

I am in awe of this Toby Tiangco. He outscoops every single journalist all the time when it comes to alleged this and alleged that. He’s the Kit Tatad of his generation.

11Kris, Again
On Sunday, presidential sister Kris Aquino spoke at length about her failed romance with Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista. Her monologue was likened to a State of the Nation Address. There were no accomplishments to trumpet.

“I had to learn that love endures, that love forgives, that love can actually be quiet, love can be selfless, it doesn’t blame no matter how much you’re hurting. Love doesn’t look for revenge and love has no regrets,” Kris explained. After which, she revealed that she’s the new spokesperson for Hallmark Cards.

Admitting that she “truly loved” Herbert Bautista, presidential sister Kris Aquino said, true love lets go “graciously.” And on nationwide TV.

Kris Aquino revealed that Herbert Bautista broke her heart. But she wants to still be friends with him. And she is not angry. And for the first time, she did not cry on TV. And she wants him to be happy. And she hopes for the best for him. And she won’t forget the mayor because he taught her “how to love unconditionally.” Also, because he visited and said sorry to Bimby – and that meant a lot to her. In short, this is not yet over people. You’ve been warned.

Child Abuse
In the news a few weeks back was Cebu Puericulture Center and Maternity House – where a newborn baby boy’s mouth was “taped” by a nurse to prevent him from crying. The latest: both camps have agreed to settle. The mom accepted compensation, and the maternity house offered to do something good for the community – specifically, put a surgical tape on Kris Aquino’s mouth.
“Sometimes, loneliness makes the loudest noise.”
~Aaron Ben-Ze’ev

Sound Bites
“Wala pala talagang somewhere down the road para sa inyo and you can’t stop crying because ‘yong future na inakala mo, ‘yong pinagdarasal mo, that future that kept you going, that dream just disappears.”
~Kris Aquino

“We are going to pursue all those people who are instrumental in the heinous murder of this particular individual. This should not continue.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda on the death of a CSB student due to hazing

Poll Results
Sakaling ipag-utos ng Sandiganbayan ang pag-aresto kay Enrile, ano ang nararapat sa kanya?

-Camp Crame Detention Facility 80.46%
-Hospital Arrest 11.4%
-House Arrest 8.14%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNP, Rappler, The Buzz]


28 06 2014

WE’RE HALFWAY through 2014 and in keeping with this blog’s tradition, I compiled some of my favorite posts from the first six months of the year. In case you missed them…
Enrile’s Affairs
Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie Monsod that her husband, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile had 38 different affairs. Yup, 38! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Upon her return, Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Liberal Party stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

Malacañang clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

1.1 oBAMAPresidents
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

Janet Lim-Napoles was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Healing Priest
Newspaper reports revealed the alleged lavish lifestyle of popular “healing priest” Fernando Suarez. But Suarez has denied the allegation. The Inquirer reported that several bishops have shunned Suarez “because his healing ministry had turned out to be a moneymaking venture.” Apparently, the bishops hate competition.

#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. He believes that the character Elsa could be homosexual since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.

A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.

Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!

Moral of the Story: Don’t drink and Anne.

In Nicaragua… A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”
“Politicians as a class are dangerous. People who are seeking power over us are not, by definition, our friends.”
~James Bovard

Sound Bites
“The President has every right to do this if the nominee is undeserving. But Nora Aunor deserves the award and by denying her this honor, the President displays his incapacity to appreciate excellence.”
~F. Sionil Jose

Have a good weekend and an even better month of July!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News]


16 06 2014

THE NEW LEADER of al-Qaeda, Egyptian Ayman al-Zawahiri is the world’s most wanted man today. In the Philippines, the most wanted list includes retired Gen. Jovito Palparan; former Palawan Gov. Joel Reyes and his brother, Mario; former congressman Ruben Ecleo, and Bong Revilla’s speechwriter.

According to Bong Revilla, he had actually prepared two speeches last week: one attacking the Aquino administration and another calling for unity. He chose the second, and he succeeded. Everyone was united in mocking him.

Bong Revilla revealed that he had prepared two speeches last week. Yes, he did prepare two: one attacking the administration, and another attacking our sensibilities.

On Independence Day, President Aquino, without naming names, took a swipe at incompetent singers, dancers, and actors in politics. The next day Bong Revilla reacted. Confirmed.

Tagle’s Take
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle says government officials who steal public funds are “thick-faced” and “insensitive.” In a joint statement, lawmakers insisted, “We’re not thick-faced and we’re not insensitive.”

During the Independence Day celebration in Naga City, President Aquino was speaking when a 19-year-old leftist student from Ateneo De Naga interrupted him. The President felt so strange because whenever someone interrupts him, it’s usually Kris Aquino.

An infuriated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un personally reprimanded his country’s weathermen for their failure to predict the weather. Kim Jong Un’s action was lauded by his top aides, his bodyguards, and President Aquino.

Have you heard about Japan’s anti-loneliness café? According to CNN, the Moomin House Cafe seats solo diners with stuffed animal companions called ‘Moomins.’ The ‘anti-loneliness’ concept was such a hit, it will soon be adapted by other cities, countries, and Malacañang.1RRFather’s Day
June 15 was Father’s Day. It was a tiring day for Ramon Revilla Sr. who had to open 72 gifts.

John Green’s novel, ‘The Fault In Our Stars,’ which was recently made into a movie, is a certified best-seller even in the Philippines mainly because of its relatable plot. ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ tells the story of an actor who wanted to augment his income by joining politics.

1VVWorld Cup
The FIFA World Cup opened earlier this week. Vuvuzelas are selling like hotcakes again. In case you didn’t know, vuvuzelas are plastic and produce a loud, annoying sound. That explains its more popular name: mother-in-law.

Former presidential daughter Jackie Ejercito and businessman Beaver Lopez have reportedly called it quits. Tabloid reports say Jackie is having an affair with Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno. The vice mayor has denied the allegation saying, “May asawa na ako.” To which, Bong Revilla reacted, “Eh ano naman?!”

NBA Champs
The San Antonio Spurs claimed the 2014 NBA championship with a masterful win over the Miami Heat, 104-87 in Game 5. As expected, LeBron James is being criticized on social media. When asked for comment, he replied, “Sorry sa mga netizens na na nagalit, pero ang performance ko ay para talaga sa masa at sa mahigit dalawampung milyong fans na naniniwala sa akin.”

After the humiliating loss, LeBron lambasted his teammates on Twitter, and said, ““Dati rati kinakatakutan ang team na ‘to at iniilagan pero ngayon lahat ng team gusto kami ang kalaban kasi mga tamad and sobrang lambot. Let me tell you guys: kahit si Phil Jackson pa ang mag-coach sa ganitong team, hindi pa rin mananalo sa finals. Walang mga puso kung maglaro. Wala! Wala! Wala!”

The Miami Heat’s quest for a three-peat has ended. Winter has come. Game of Dethroned.

Just Married
Veteran actress Boots Anson-Roa and lawyer King Rodrigo got married last Saturday, June 14. She is 69 and he is 75. What’s your excuse?
“I would rather be a little nobody than to be an evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

“Papaano tayo makakatakbo kung nakakulong tayo? Pero malay mo, for the first time nakakulong pero nanalo pa.”
~Bong Revilla on running for president in 2016

Gina Apostol: Listening to Bong Revilla is worse than cancer
Randy David: The unbearable privilege of pettiness

Just So You Know


Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate, Clip Art, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star]


12 06 2014

IN A PRIVILEGE SPEECH last Wednesday, Jinggoy Estrada repeated, “Hindi ako magnanakaw.” Filipinos reiterated, “Hindi kami naniniwala.”

Addressing his four children, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Janella, Jolo, Julian at Jill, lagi ninyong tatandaan ang mga pangaral ko sa inyo: magkaroon kayo ng takot sa Diyos.” And his children replied, “You first.”

As expected, Jinggoy Estrada accused investigating agencies and the media of being “selective.” He then identified some politicians who allegedly misused their PDAF too – officially making him the kamikaze of pork barrel scam. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Unlike his close friend Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada neither sang nor played a music video during his privilege speech. He annoyed his critics by his mere presence.

Jinggoy Estrada’s lawyer says the prosecution won’t be able to show proof that he got P183 million in pork barrel kickbacks. In other news, probers can’t also show proof that MH370 crashed. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Jinggoy’s wife Precy, his sister Jackie, and brother Jude were also present in the Senate to support him. Jinggoy expressed sadness that he and his wife wouldn’t be able to celebrate their next anniversary together. To which Jackie Ejercito-Lopez said, “Kami rin.”

After getting flak from netizens for his histrionics last Monday, Bong Revilla clarified that his music video was produced not for the offended netizens but for some 20 million people who voted him into office. In his defense, Revilla wasn’t insulting the intelligence of those 20 million Filipinos. He was assuming they didn’t have any.

To be fair to Bong Revilla, after his controversial speech, he did apologize to netizens. Here’s hoping that the next apology will be directed at taxpayers.

According to Malacañang’s own research team, 99.93 percent of online comments on the privilege speech were posted by Bong haters. The rest were posted by Bong’s composer and lyricist.

Malacañang said 99.93 percent of comments from 2,751 online respondents were anti-Bong Revilla. This begs the question, “May time pa talagang magbasa at magbilang ang Malacañang?!”

Shots Fired
In an apparent swipe at Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada and probably ER Ejercito, President Aquino, in his Independence Day address, said Filipinos should vote for genuine leaders NOT actors, singers or dancers. In this day and age, how can you tell the difference?

Sex Video
Reports say Sandra Cam is threatening to release a purported sex video of Justice Sec. Leila De Lima. What is wrong with this Sandra Cam? Who gave her the idea that we wanted to see Leila De Lima in a sex video?

LEILAKris, Again
While the whole nation was talking about Bong’s and Jinggoy’s rants, Kris Aquino took to Instagram to announce that she’s heartbroken. Nice try. Ok, back to the speeches…

PBB All Out
The MTRCB has ordered reality show ‘Pinoy Big Brother All In’ to issue an apology for its controversial ‘nude painting’ episode, earlier described by Sen. Pia Cayetano as an “assault to the dignity of women” and by Sen. Nancy Binay as an “irresponsible and insensitive act.” On Wednesday night, the producers apologized but insisted that the ‘nude painting’ task was just a test of convictions, values, and ratings.

‘Pinoy Big Brother’ has apologized for its ‘nude painting’ episode. The show should also apologize for triggering its viewers’ inner jejemon.

I’ve always barred my nieces from watching PBB. There’s something about that program that makes me cringe. The ‘masa’ viewers like it though. PBB is the Bong Revilla of TV shows.
“No one believes a liar. Even when he’s telling the truth.”
~Sara Shepard, ‘Heartless’

Sound Bites
“Kung mayroon man akong hindi napaligaya sa aking privilege speech, tayo ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa kanila. Iyong awitin na iyon ay inihandog ko sa 20 milyong kataong sumuporta sa akin.”
~Bong Revilla to critics

“I reviewed the video of the speech on YouTube, and read the text twice to get a sense of where it was going. But I could not comprehend the speech’s basic thrust. Its tone was alternately accusatory and conciliatory. It sounded serious in some parts, struggling to rise above the shallow emotions, the clichés, and the air of righteousness that pervaded it. But in the end it drowned in its own pettiness, accompanied by the funereal strains of a maudlin farewell song.”
~Prof. Randy David, “The unbearable privilege of pettiness”

“Hindi natin kailangan ng magaling bumigkas ng script, mahusay sumayaw o kumanta. Pananagutan nating mag-iwan ng mas makatarungan at mas maunlad na Pilipinas kaysa ating dinatnan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day speech

Poll Results
Ninety years old na si Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Dapat pa rin ba siyang arestuhin at i-detain sa Camp Crame?

-Oo naman! The law is the law. 89.79%
-Huwag na lang. House arrest na lang. 6.54%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 3.66%

Happy Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @PhilStarNews, Rappler, Kris Aquino's IG]


9 06 2014

BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews' Tricia De Leon]


5 06 2014

DO YOU FOLLOW HBO’s Game of Thrones? It’s the best show on TV right now – insane, engaging, shocking, sometimes infuriating, intense, intriguing, controversial, and complicated. In short, Kris Aquino.

President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address is coming soon. It will be his first SONA since the pork barrel scam was exposed. I can’t wait to see all the senators, congressmen, their staff, and other high-profile personalities in one venue. Can we ask George R.R. Martin to write and direct this year’s SONA?

One of the most adorable GoT characters is Arya – the Stark girl who repeatedly recites the names of her enemies: “Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne, The Hound, Polliver, The Mountain, Pogi, Tanda, Sexy, Joffrey, Cersei… “

Special Treatment
Intelligence reports say convicted drug lord Ricardo “Chacha” Camata was allowed to leave the New Bilibid Prison last May 28 to have a check up at a hospital in Manila sans DOJ approval. Hospital CCTV showed however that Camata looked fine, and even spent two nights with “a starlet and television dancers.” The report didn’t say though who went home the ha₱₱iest that day: the starlet, the dancers or the prison superintendent.

New Bilibid Prison superintendent Fajardo Lansangan and 12 custodial guards were relieved of their duties following reports that high-profile convicts were being given special treatment. Even ex-convict Antonio Leviste was like, “Paulit-ulit?! Naka-loop?”

Dismissed New Bilibid Prison superintendent Fajardo Lansangan is being replaced by Superintendent Robert Rabo – who was himself dismissed in 2011 after convicted killer Antonio Leviste was able to sneak out of prison and visit his dentist without a DOJ permit. Rabo will occupy the post effective June 4 until another prison scandal reaches the media.

Napoles’s Jewels
Another former staff of suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles surfaced and showed GMANews photos of Napoles’s collection of expensive jewelry. But one of Napoles’s lawyers, Stephen David denied the report, saying the pictures were made public to destroy the credibility of Napoles. Again, is there anything left to destroy?

1camOn Cam
In a sworn affidavit submitted to the Commission on Appointments, Sandra Cam alleged that Justice Sec. Leila De Lima had an illicit affair with Cezar Mancao II, and with her married driver, Ronnie Dayan. “If it’s true,” netizens complain, “Where is justice in that? We don’t even have one. Unfair!”

Sandra Cam revealed that Justice Sec. Leila De Lima had two illicit affairs. In case you’re wondering who Sandra Cam is, she’s the president of the Whistleblowers Association of the Philippines, and head researcher of ‘The Buzz.’

No to Pets
Pope Francis told married couples to have children instead of pets. The Pope said children are better than dogs or cats. In response, Freddie Aguilar said, “Hindi rin.”.

The Binays tend to believe that a smear campaign against the family has begun. The “black propaganda” is allegedly contained in a “white paper.” Awkward.

Abad and Aquino
Reports say President Aquino won’t fire Budget Secretary Butch Abad despite being linked by Janet Napoles to the pork barrel scam. Before he lets go of someone who’s being accused of wrongdoing, the President said, “I need to see the evidence.” To which, Al Vitangcol said, “Yeah right.”

1dCBCP vs. 1D
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines appealed to parents not to let their children watch the concert of British boy group One Direction because they’re “not good role models.” Fr. Conegundo Garganta says concert producers should not promote “young people who are stoned.” One Direction replied, “Excuse me, we’re not young!”

Apparently, the CBCP is not into those boys. They’re too old for them.

Anti-drugs advocate Laban ng Pamilyang Pilipino wants British boy group One Direction to undergo a drug test before they are allowed to hold a concert in the Philippines. And One Direction was like, “You first.”

At least 12 cops in Western Visayas have been tested positive for drugs. Seven of the 12 cops were PO1; two were PO2, and two were PO3. All 12 were die-hard fans of One Direction.

Let’s go Lakers!
It’s the NBA Finals once again. It will be a rematch between the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat. When asked whom they would cheer for, my friends were divided: 50 percent picked the Spurs and 50 percent hated the Heat.

Finally… Some good news:
President Aquino has ordered an increase in the funeral benefits of both public and private employees under the Employees’ Compensation Program. You may avail yourself of this increased benefit starting today! Try it.
“Whether you sniff it, smoke it, eat it, or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.”
~William S. Burroughs

Sound Bites
“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I wille exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

The rainy season is coming. Be prepared.

[Photos: Game of Thrones; GMA News, The Daily Mail-UK]


1 06 2014

MY FELLOW Batangueño, Ralph Recto, who has never spoken a single word against the pork barrel scam since it was exposed last year, is in the news now. After he was mentioned in the Benhur Luy files, an angry Recto broke his silence on the PDAF scam saying, all whistleblowers should be jailed. “They should PAY for what they did,” an angry Recto said, “plus 12 percent.”

Ralph Recto has never spoken about the pork barrel scam since it was exposed last year. When he finally did last week, he trained his guns on PDAF scam whistleblowers like Benhur Luy and Merlina Suñas. He said, “Lahat ng whistleblower na may kinalaman d’yan dapat makulong!” And Janet Napoles was like, “Thanks for the support!”

Veep Veep
Vice President Jejomar Binay reveals he has yet to choose his bet for VP in 2016. Everyone, he says, has a chance. In fact, despite a plunder case against Jinggoy Estrada, the senator can still be his running inmate.

According to the Philippine National Police, termites and cockroaches have invaded Janet Lim-Napoles’s bungalow-type detention facility in Fort Sto. Domingo. But the PNP did not get rid of the insects since the detention facility was purposely constructed for living things like them. You know. Pests.

1Just Married
Vice President Binay was one of the principal sponsors in the wedding of Atty. Levito Baligod, the former lawyer of PDAF scam whistleblowers Benhur Luy and Merlina Suñas. Congratulations… Jinggoy, Bong, and Enrile!

Abad Year
After quitting the Arroyo cabinet in 2005, Sec. Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad paid an income tax of only P8,150 in the next three years, saying he was then jobless and was only doing freelance consultancy. Records showed Abad paid P6,400 in 2006; P1,500 in 2007 and P250 in 2008. In 2009, he was tax-exempt. Maybe Abad can mentor us on how to survive with that measly income.

Exactly a year before joining the Aquino administration, Butch Abad reported an income of P16,000 for 2009. That’s 16,000 pesos for one year! When a group of kasambahay heard this, they died. Twice.

Income Tax
At least three bills seeking to lower the income tax rate have been filed in Congress. You know what that means? Butch Abad need not pay anything.

Three solons are proposing an income tax rate reduction. How about a nakaw rate reduction?

1No Smoking
World No Tobacco Day is observed every May 31. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health conducted public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

According to the Department of Health, around 240 Filipinos die every day due to tobacco-related illnesses. Those who survive either go bald or remain single at 54. [You’ve been warned.]

May 31 is World No Tobacco Day – or as President Aquino would say, “Whatever!”

After Erap’s visit in the Laguna capitol, his nephew ER Ejercito stepped down as governor. When will Erap pay a visit to Jinggoy in the Senate?

According to a recent SWS study, 9 in 10 Filipinos experienced financial shortage in the last 12 months. The other one was a lawmaker.

Former TESDA director general Augusto Syjuco Jr. who is facing six graft charges before the Sandiganbayan, filed a libel case against President Aquino for virtually calling him a “thief” in his State of the Nation Address last year. Syjuco said the President’s “personal attacks” tarnished his reputation. We tried to get the side of Syjuco’s “reputation,” but it was nowhere to be found.

Cat Killer
Abandoned by his wife, a 29-year-old man from Antipolo City went berserk and killed 11 cats. He was charged with 99 counts of animal murder.
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“That Napoles thinks the disinformation she is purveying qualifies her to be a state’s witness is an insult and an outrage. She has the gall to describe herself as a victim of the same political culture she is accused of profiting billions of pesos from; in truth, her affidavit is best described, as many have already described it, not as a tell-all but a blame-all. It would be sheer folly to take her at her word.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer, Editorial

Poll Results
Dapat bang bumaba na puwesto si Laguna Governor ER Ejercito?

- YES. Dapat siyang sumunod sa utos ng Comelec. 66.96%
- Wala akong pakialam. 22.77%
- NO. Hintayin ang pinal na desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 10.27%

We have a new poll. The other day, this image of a Hong Kong textbook page went viral. Do you find this insulting or offensive?


Have a great month of June!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, GMA News]


24 05 2014

ONLINE REPORTS have quoted the private doctor of Janet Lim-Napoles as saying sexual contact may have caused the vaginal bleeding of the alleged pork barrel scam queen. But her lawyer denied it, saying she didn’t have sex while confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The doctor then claimed he was possibly misquoted. So what’s the truth?

In the interest of accurate, fair, and balanced reporting, we sought Napoles’s vagina for comment and luckily, the request for an interview was granted. To make the vagina more comfortable, we asked Krissy to do the exclusive! Enjoy!

Ladies and gentlemen… the one… the only… the one and the only KRISSY!

HELLLOOOOO! I’m baaaaack! ‘Kita n’yo naman. Kahit busy ako sa taping, commercial shoot, live TV shows, at sa imaginary love life ko, pinagbigyan ko pa rin kayo. Say ‘thank you Krissy!’ Come on. Say thank you to me naaaa. Ayaw n’yo? Fine. Ako na nga lang ang magti-thank you… ‘Thank you Krissy for being so masipag. You’re the best talaga.’ There. I said it. Gosh. Para na naman akong luka-luka. Nagsasalita akong mag-isa Aha-ha-ha Anyway, diretso na tayo sa interview dahil kailangan kong umalis nang maaga. Teka, asan na ba

Hi Krissy! Mwah!

Ay!!! Nakakaloka ka. Nand’yan ka na pala. Grabehh, namumula ka. It’s so hot kasi, right? Mga Kapamilya… kasama ko po ngayon – first and exclusive – dito lang siya magsasalita – hindi kay Jessica, hindi kay Korina, at lalong hindi kay Anthony Taberna… ang kontrobersyal na sex organ ng equally controversial niyang amo si Ms Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. Hi there!

Hello Krissy! Mwah!

Wait! Bakit ka ba mwah nang mwah? Ang sagwa huh. Hindi ko feel ang expression mo when you say mwah. Promise. How old ka na ba?

Singkwenta na Krissy.

In fairness huh… hindi halata. Mukha ka lang 62 aha-ha-ha! Ano nga palang status mo? Fresh, Rotten, o Sakto Lang?


You wish! Aha-ha-ha Ilusyunada ka rin huh! By the way, I like your hair!

I like yours too. Ahihihi. Mas maigsi nga lang ‘yong sa ‘yo.

True! Pero mas love ko ang color ng hair mo kahit may split ends. ‘Di masyadong light, ‘di rin masyadong dark. Sinong gumupit sa ‘yo?

Si Ma’am Jenny lang.

Kaya pala! Tell her konting trim pa Aha-ha-ha Sandali, I’ll take a photo of you, ipapakita ko kay Boy.

Naku! ‘Wag na Krissy. Pangit ako ngayon. Marami akong selfie sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Bibigyan na lang kita next time.

Arte! So anong feeling na nasa news ka ngayon? Bongga ka huh! Tinalbugan mo ang World Economic Forum at ang Martial Law sa Thailand! Ikaw talaga ang top story! Kaloka.

Nagtataka nga ako Krissy kung bakit banner story ako sa mga news sites at evening news program. Talk about priorities!

Alam mo, you speak better English than your Ma’am Jenny. I like you naaaa! Smart vajayjay ka.

Thank you Krissy. ‘Yon bang sa ‘yo magaling na?

Excuuuuse me! I’m clean ‘no! If you’re referring to that Joey Marquez thingy, come on! 2014 na… nag-move on na ang lahat! I’m ok now. I feel fresh! Sandali, bakit ba napunta sa akin ang usapan? Ikaw ang isyu ngayon! So, ano? Dinudugo ka ba talaga?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Helllloooo! Mismong private doctor mo na ang nagsabing bleeding ka raw. You mean he’s lying?

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

Kainis ka! Manang-mana ka sa amo mo. Ito na lang: totoo bang nakipag-sex ang iyong Ma’am Jenny kaya ka dinudugo?

Ano ako… virgin?!? Wala nang uterus, wala nang ovaries… tapos intact ang hymen? Hiyang-hiya naman sa akin si Mama Mary!

So, ano nga? Naging intimate ba these past few days ang Ma’am Jenny at Sir Jaime mo?

MOMOL lang.

Winner! Updated ka huh! Pati MOMOL alam mo. Titigan mo na lang ang picture na ito ng iyong amo. Hindi ko siya kinaya! Kahit naka-confine at sari-saring sakit ang idinadaing, may time pang magpa-manicure.


Nitong mga nakaraang araw ba napansin mo sa iyong paligid ang kanyang French tip?

Hindi ko matandaan. Baka tulog ako.

Natutulog talaga ang puk*?!!? NILOLOKO mo naman ako eh. I hate you naaa.

Ewan ko ho. ‘Tsaka masyado nang private ‘yan. Kailangan ba talagang itanong?

As a matter of fact, yes. Alam mo naman, desperate times call for desperate measures. Who knows, baka sinadya ang pagdurugo mo para manatili ang Ma’am Jenny mo sa ospital. Sabi nga ni Sen. Sonny Angara, kailangang i-prove ang claim. So ano? Ginagamit ka lang ba ng iyong amo para ‘di siya pabalikin sa Fort Sto. Domingo? Umamin ka!

GINAGAMIT?!? I wish!!! Paninira lang ‘yan.

Kung papipiliin ka, saan mo gustong mag-stay: Ospital ng Makati o Fort Sto. Domingo?

Siyempre sa OsMak! Ang init kaya sa Laguna! Lagi akong natutuyuan ng butil-butil na pawis do’n.

Yuccccck! Gross.

Sobra ka namang maka-yuck Krissy! Perfect ka?! At least si Ma’am Jenny, isa lang ang naging asawa. Hindi tulad ng iba d’yan, papalit-palit ng lalaki kaya until now, single pa rin at trying hard magka-boyfriend.

Helllooooooo! At bakit pati love life ko pinapakialaman mo?

Wala akong binanggit na pangalan. Hashtag defensive.

I’m not defensive ‘no! Pero wala kang right magparinig sa akin. Kapatid ba kita?! Ballsy ba ang name mo o kaya Pinky? ‘Wag na si Viel, walang masasabi ‘yon. At least naging masaya ako sa piling ng mga nakarelasyon ko.

Yeah right.

Inggit ka lang kasi matatangkad sila at popular pa. Eh ‘yong amo mong lalaki?


Pork barrel queen ‘yang Ma’am Jenny mo!

Wala akong pakialam!

Hindi siya bibigyan ng immunity ng kapatid ko!

Hindi ako affected.

Pwes, makukulong siya for life! Sa Correctional! Walang aircon! Walang ventilation! Walang tubig! Pagpapawisan ka! Mangangamoy ka!

Ba’t ba tayo nag-aaway friend? ‘Di ba dapat love, love, love?

Boom panes! Aha-ha-ha! Eh ‘di sumuko ka rin. Ako na talaga! Huling tanong: kung bibigyan ka ng chance na lumipat sa ibang katawan, kaninong katawan ka lilipat: kay Dr. Elenita Binay o kay Korina Sanchez?

Walang third option?

Ayaw mo sa dalawa? Girl, malapit na ang 2016. Malay mo, maging First Vagina ka.

No, thanks. Eh ‘di ba may graft case din ‘yong isa sa kanila? Kapag minalas, kulungan pa rin ang bagsak ko.

Eh ‘di kay Korina ka na nga lang!

Ayaw ko rin. Afraid ako sa asawa niya ‘no! Eh kung mura-murahin ako no’n tapos magsisigaw: “Tang-i*a! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rule ang mag-asawa? Tang-i*a! Walang period, period sa akin!” Hard.

Eh kung sa akin ka na lang kaya lumipat?


Kapal mo huh! Masyado kang choosy ‘di ka naman pretty! Tse! Mag-message ka na nga lang sa Filipino people.

Ayoko nang maglitanya dahil pagod na rin ako. Haters gonna hate. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko: In a major, major way, I labia all! Mwah.
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Our patient is human; she has her urges.”
~ Dr. Efren Domingo, JLN’s personal doctor

On a scale of Antonio Trillanes to Cynthia Villar, how filthy rich are you?

Have a good weekend and a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino & Abunda Tonight, GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer]


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