EXCLUSIVE: ANNABELLE DRAMA RETURNS

SOME OF THE BIGGEST names in the entertainment industry were trounced in the last elections. Richard Gomez. Christopher De Leon. Joey Marquez. Shalani Soledad. Dennis Padilla. Heber Bartolome. Rey Valera. Alan Paule. Lou Veloso. TJ Trinidad. And Rez Cortez. Aga Muhlach has yet to concede his defeat to the Fuentebellas in Bicol.

In Cebu’s northwest district, one feisty woman fought, and lost. It was not even close. But this woman

Hay naku dong! Ang haba ng intro mo dong! Per minute ang rate ko. May pambayad ka ba dong?

Ladies and gentlemen, nagbabalik sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon matapos matalo sa eleksyon – our special guest, the one and the only ANNABELLE DRAMA.

Alam mo dong, ‘di mo na kilangang ulit-uliting talo ako. Tanggap ko ‘yon dong. Nag-prutista ba ako dong? Hindi uy. Ako ang unang nag-conceit. So moved on ka na ok?

So conceited ho kayo?

Tanga ka ba dong? Ako nga ang unang-nag-conceit ‘di ba? Hindi pa tapos ang bilangan, conceited na ako dong.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang ang concede, anong masasabi n’yo kay Aga na hindi pinalad sa Bicol.

Karma ‘yan dong! No’ng inaway ako ng tiyahin niyang si Amalya, alam kong igaganti ako ng Sto. Niño! So karma ‘yon dong! Kaya ikaw Aga, mag-conceit ka na dong. Huwag mong sisihin ang kalaban dong. Sisihin mo ang MALAKING malas sa paligid mo!

Sino po ‘yong malaki? Si Amalya?

Gusto mong ma-libel dong? Wala akong sinabing pangalan dong. ‘Wag kang mandamay dong.

Sabi ho sa balita, nag-donate kayo ng 3 million sa inyong pinsang si Mike Drama na nanalong mayor. Pero ngayon, binabawi n’yo raw. Totoo po ba?

Alam mo dong, wala naman talaga sa ‘kin ‘yong pira dong. Pira lang ‘yan eh. Isang tilisirye lang ni Chard, mabawi ko man ‘yan. Nabuwisit lang ako kay Mike kasi noong kampanya, inasyur niya ako dong. Sabi niya, “Pinsan, malakas ang kutob ko. Landslide ito.” Landslide nga dong! Matapos ang bilangan… landslide ang kalaban! Kaya ikaw Mike, kung nanood ka ngayon, bruho ka, ibalik mo ang pira ko dung. Kung may iota ka ng dilikadisa dong, ibalik mo man ang pira ko.

Alam n’yo pala ‘yong term na iota?

Hindi dong. Narinig ko lang kay Remond ‘yan. Tumatalak siya sa telepono kahapon. Sabi niya, “If you have an iota of delicadeza, you will English and English and pastilan and yawa and English and English…” Pisti! Wala akong nagits dong. Ingles kasi. Diri-diritsu. Sakit sa ulo! Ang nagits ku lang dong “iota” at “dilikadisa” kaya ‘yon ang ginamit ko. ‘Buti na lang dong walang “b” ang iota; kung hindi nagduda ako sa kanya.

Nakakatuwa naman po at nagbati na kayo ni Nadja Montenegro. Ano bang na-realize n’yo at lumambot ang inyong puso?
Alam mo dong, hindi naman talaga ako dimunya eh. Image ko lang ‘yon dong. Ang totoo, mabait naman talaga ako. Bago kami nagbati ni Nadja, matagal na akong naga-pray sa Sto. Niño. Siguro, mga April pa ‘yon. Ang prayers ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, give me a sign naman. Dapat ko bang patawarin ang mga bruha sa paligid ko.” And then

Ano pong sabi ng Sto. Niño?

Ito na nga dong! Pwide ba, huwag mo ‘kong ipreempt?! Ituloy ko ang kwento ko. Nanahimik ang Mahal na Sto. Niño dong! Silence talaga siya. Kinabahan ako. Sabi ko, “Pastilan, ‘di yata nagustuhan ng Sto. Niño ang prayers ko.” Tumibok nang mabilis ang heartbeat ko dong.

‘Asan na ho ang sign?

‘Wag mo akong madaliin dong! Kung may pupuntahan ka, umalis ka na! Bumubuwelo pa ako! Makinig ka muna! ‘Tapos nag-eleksyon na nga: natalo ako. Landslide dong! ‘Tapos natsugi ang talk show ni Remond. ‘Tapos nawalan ng tilisiryi si Chard. Tapos si Roffa, paguest-guest na lang. Nag-pray ulit ako dong. Sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, ito na ba ang sign?”

Sumagot ho ba ang Sto. Niño?

Hindi ko na hinintay dong! Baka ‘di ko kayanin. Kaya nang magkita kami ni Nadja dong, nag-smile na ako. Ang gaan sa dibdib dong. Para akong nabunutan ng matabang tinik.

Mabuti naman at pumayag makipag-ayos si Nadja sa inyo.

Dapat lang dong! Wala man siyang maipagmalaki sa akin. Talo ako sa Cebu, talo rin ang asawa niya sa Caloocan, third place. Ako, second place. Quits lang dong.

Naniniwala ho ba kayo sa karma?

Hindi ko gusto ang tabas ng tanong mo dong. Kung ayaw mong mag-walk out ako, ibahin mo!

Sige ho. Maiba ako. May kumakalat na tsismis na magiging lola na naman kayo. Totoo po bang magiging tatay na si Chard?

Sandali dong. ‘Di ba may lakad ka pa? Baka ma-late ka dong.

Ito na lang: ano pong lesson ang natutunan n’yo sa nakaraang eleksyon?

Masakit pala dong. Hinakot ko na ang mga artista ko sa Cebu dong. ‘Tapos nag-campaign ako sa Twitter pati Instagram. Talo pa rin dong. Pero pasalamat na rin ako dong dahil nakita ko ang buhay ng mahihirap. Wala silang arti sa bohay. Hanga ako sa kanila. Kaya ikaw Roffa, ‘wag masyadong maarti ‘day.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang si Roffa, June po ngayon. In 1994, may malaking nangyari sa buwang ito. Siguro naman natatandaan n’yo pa ang Manila Film Fest scam. Ano po ang

Alam mo dong, pisti ka. ‘Yon lang ang masasabi ko, pisti ka. Moved on ka na! Please lang.

Ay, sorry po. Sige, last question na lang. After n’yong matalo last May, you ranted on Twitter. Sabi n’yo, “I shall return.” Saan ho kayo babalik? Sa pulitika?

Hindi dong! Ang balikan ko, ‘yong 3 million kong donasyon kay Mayor Mike. Hoy Mike, if you have an iota of dilikadisa, ibalik mo ang pira ko dong!

So talagang paninindigan n’yo na ang paggamit ng “iota” sa interviews?

Oo naman! Without an iota of doubt. Dong!
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“When we don’t put the brakes on our self-absorption, we have nothing stopping us from total self-destruction. We become the fruits of our actions.”
~ Zeena Schreck

In Other News
On June 18, 2013, the University of the Philippines turned 105. And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “Pwedeee!”

Official records show, Jack Enrile was last elections’ top spender – otherwise known as ‘the biggest loser.’

In Prague, Czech Prime Minister Petr Necas resigned after one of his top aides was linked to bribery and abuse of power. It’s called “command responsibility.” Or as Filipino politicians would say, “Ano ‘yon?!”

KampanyaSerye: Huling Hirit
To everyone who supports me in this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards, thank you very much. Ten percent of the total score will come from your votes. The rest will come from the judges. You can still vote every hour until June 20. Here’s the link. Maraming salamat po sa suporta. Hindi pa magsasara ang presinto. Boto na!

Tropical Storm Emong is here! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

KAMPANYASERYE (NOT AGAIN!)

ON THURSDAY NIGHT, I learned that The Professional Heckler (this blog) was announced as one of the finalists in the 2013 Tatt Awards. Thank you to the organizers and to the Tatt Council!

I am a finalist in the category Blogger Phenom of the Year. But this should not be about me. Blogging is not a joke. You should realize the unspeakable horrors that I go through whenever I write cruel jokes about cruel politicians.

One time, I blogged about a lawmaker who was then embroiled in a corruption scandal. He felt slighted and took it personal against me. I tried to talk to him by phone. Sabi ni Congressman, “Sino ka ba? Masama ang pakiramdam ko eh.” So I asked, can I call back again? He replied, “I don’t think so.” Napahiya ako. Kung ‘di n’ya maunawaan ang mga sinulat ko, ako na lang ang uunawa sa kanya. Bigyan ko kaya ng jacket?

Anyway, 10 percent of the total score in the Tatt Awards will be determined by public voting. It’s “election” season once again and I happen to be one of the candidates.

I am not so sure if have a chance of winning. But I am really glad I’m not up against Grace Poe.

A friend suggested, “Bumili ka ng airtime sa ABS-CBN. Lumabas ka sa “Maalaala Mo Kaya” to ensure your victory.” I replied, “Hellllllo! Jack Enrile!”

And then it dawned on me, my father’s already dead. Uso naman pong gumamit po ng pangalan ng patay po sa kampanya ‘di po ba? Perfect! Wala naman kasi akong uncle na na-assassinate. At wala din akong pinsang presidente.

Had I known six months ago that I would be a finalist this year, I would have campaigned much earlier. Para hanep na ang buhay.

My readers and Twitter followers know for a fact that I am pro-RH Law. I fear that the Diocese of Bacolod would campaign against me.

Of course, there will always be critics. But I think I’m prepared for that. Seven years po akong nag-OJT sa pagba-blog.

I would have attended the formal presentation of finalists last night in Resorts World if not for the flooding in the metro. Traffic was at its worst and everyone was stuck in the gates of hell. Dan Brown felt vindicated.

In this year’s Tatt Awards, I’m up against a socialite, a food blogger, a personal/advice blogger and an entertainment blogger. People love glamour. People love food. People love advice. People love showbiz. ‘Tapos ako, I write about what… politicians?!? Syet, paano ako mananalo?

But I’m not worried. If voters reject me now, next time, I’ll just join a party-list group. Habang may BUHAY, may pag-asa.

Friends are more optimistic though. They say I have a good chance of winning because of one reason. My name is NOT Richard Gomez.

Hindi po ako nangangako ng trabaho sa bawat Pilipino, o libreng edukasyon, murang pabahay, at free skills training. Pero kapag nagkita tayo, titiyakin kong magkakaroon ka ng maraming pagkain, murang pagkain. Maraming karinderya d’yan. Tara, treat ko.

To vote for your favorites in the 2013 Tatt Awards, please click this link.

Hindi ko hawak ang aking kapalaran. Ang blog post na ito ay gabay lamang. Meron kayong free will, gamitin n’yo ito.

In closing, gusto ko pong humingi ng sorry kina Mommy Raquel at Carl. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang mag-sorry sa kanila.

“Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than, less than perfect.”

Again, thank you Tatt Awards and thank YOU dear readers. You made this possible.
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“Social media is addictive precisely because it gives us something which the real world lacks: it gives us immediacy, direction, a sense of clarity and value as an individual.”
~ David Amerland

Sound Bites
“I am not here to hide from justice. I am here to reveal criminality.”
~ Edward Snowden (In Hongkong) former National Security Agency contractor who revealed the alleged excessive US government surveillance on Americans

Happy weekend! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

FENG SHUI, PENIS SIZE, MARRIAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

THE GREAT freedom fighter, Nelson Mandela is still in serious condition four days after being rushed to a Pretoria hospital due to a recurring lung infection. This early, supporters of the 94-year-old South African leader are trying to persuade his son, Noynoy Mandela to run for president next year.

It’s the middle of 2013. As in the past, I re-post some of my favorite items from the first five months of the year. In case you’ve missed…

Insults
A 26-year-old social media activist was sentenced to two years in prison for reportedly “insulting” Kuwait’s emir. I don’t think that’ll happen in the Philippines. Here, we don’t insult leaders and politicians. We describe them.

Phone Problem
My new phone autocorrects a number of words I type. This morning, it autocorrected ‘pork’ to ‘Congress.’ I have no idea why.

Sizzling Summer
On Friday, PAGASA recorded the year’s hottest day yet in Metro Manila. It was so hot yesterday people stood next to congressmen just to be near something “shady.”

The Tubbataha
A United States Navy war ship ran aground and remains stuck on Tubbataha Reef, a protected marine sanctuary. Coral rape.

Silence Please
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a bill that seeks to penalize the use of electronic devices like cell phones inside cinemas, concert halls, and other performance venues. The feisty senator wants those gadgets in “silent” mode. To which, moviegoers said, “You first!”

Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago has a pending bill called “Silent Mode Act,” or in Senate parlance, Lito Lapid.

Feng Shui
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the Vice President is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.

The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.

According to psychic Danny Atienza, this year, President Aquino will finally meet the woman he’ll definitely fall in love with. When the woman heard the prediction, she went into hiding.

Earlier this month, a psychic predicted that President Aquino would soon meet a very beautiful and intelligent woman. But the President said he wouldn’t want to rely on fortune-tellers saying, “God has something good in store for me.” To which God replied, “’Wag pakasiguradoooo!”

Kwarta o Kahon
The great veteran game show host Pepe Pimentel has died at the age of 83. He chose ‘kahon.’

So long, Lolong!
The world’s largest crocodile in captivity is dead. Our deepest condolences to Congress.

Macho
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago threatened to expose Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s “sexuality.” But Lacson fired back. Using strong words like “lunatic” and “insanity,” he defended his sexuality saying, “Kung ako bakla, baka wala nang macho sa mundo.” And those guys in the gym were like, “Hindi rin!”

According to Senator Lacson, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago spent a portion of her pork barrel to erect a cockpit in Pasig City. Santiago reacted and questioned Lacson’s interest in her cockpit.

Team Patay
The Diocese of Bacolod is campaigning against a group of six pro-RH Law senatorial candidates it dubbed “Team Patay” while urging voters to support anti-RH Law senatoriables it called “Team Buhay.” By the way, the Diocese of Bacolod is a member of Team Bitter-bitteran.

Sick
A 38-year-old woman killed her son for having a small dick. The mother was quoted to have said that her son would have a bleak future with his small penis. This Indonesian woman is sick! Just because a guy’s manhood is small doesn’t mean he’ll have a bleak future. You can ask our president!

According to the Department of Health, 35 percent of Filipino workers (both in government and private sectors) are mentally disturbed. Ulol! Sinungaling! Bobo! Saksakin kita d’yan ng lapis eh.

Optimistic
A Social Weather Stations survey showed 37 percent of Filipinos were optimistic that their quality of life would further improve in 2013. They are called politicians.

Satisfied
Sought for comment on rumors that he’s gay, Migz Zubiri told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ask my wife. She seems so satisfied.” To which Ogie Diaz said, “My wife too.”

Gay Union
According to Koko Pimentel, the idea of same sex marriage in the Philippines “is a joke of a proposal.” To which, gay marriage advocates replied, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa success ng marriage mo!”

New Pope
Pope Francis has only one lung. But that’s nothing compared to many Filipino politicians: wala nang utak, wala pang puso!

War
North Korea declared that it had entered a “state of war” with South Korea and threatened to attack its neighbor. But Seoul is unfazed by the threat since a majority of South Koreans are safe… in the Philippines.

Apparently, Kim Jong Un considers the United States his number 1 problem. In close second is his weight.

Pinoy and Marriage
According to the National Statistics Office, fewer Filipinos are getting married. Those Filipinos are called smart.

Kris/Cruz
Archbishop Oscar Cruz sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

Nancy Hurt
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay admitted she was hurt by a scathing Philippine Daily Inquirer editorial titled, “Unqualified.” Nancy said the attacks were “vicious” and were part of a “demolition campaign.” As a rejoinder, the Inquirer is writing another editorial titled, “Whatever.”

The Promise
Weeks after declaring that she’s quitting showbiz, presidential sister Kris Aquino is still in showbiz. She’s not keeping her promise. It all points to a successful career in politics.

Penis Size
According to an online report titled, “Average Penis Size by Country,” the average size of manhood in the Philippines is 4.2 inches. Even Filipino women were like, “Come on! That’s too big!”

Erap’s Birthday
Former President Joseph Estrada celebrated his 76th birthday Friday, April 19. Erap’s birthday wish? Peace, love and harmony. Or as JV and Jinggoy would say, “Unrealistic, impossible, No way!”

Influential
President Aquino was named one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine. Not to be outdone, Nancy Binay was named one of the most influential people in the world by Good Housekeeping.

Manila Race
Former president Joseph Estrada admits the mayoral race between him and Mayor Alfredo Lim in Manila is neck and neck – which is a bit surprising since Erap does not have a neck.

Pam and the President
According to reports, President Aquino turned down the invitation of Pamela Anderson. Sayang! The President and Pamela would have been a good match. The playboy and the playmate.

Yao and Binay
Former NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Mayon Volcano
At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Liquor Ban
The Metro Manila Development Authority has asked the Commission on Elections to extend the 2-day liquor ban to 45 days. Or as Baron Geisler would call it, “Harsh!”
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“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
~Nelson Mandela

Sound Bites
“… oras na tanungin tayo ni Rizal, o ni Bonifacio, ni Ninoy o ni Cory ng ‘Pilipino, ano ang nagawa mo para sa bandila at kapwa mo?’ maaari natin silang titigan, mata sa mata, at sabihing “Narito ang mga inambag ko sa aking bayan, at ibinuhos ko ang aking buong puso’t kaluluwa upang mapabuti ang kanyang kalagayan.”
~President Aquino, Independence Day 2013

Happy 115th Independence Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

OF DOGS, PIGS, AND BISHOPS

Fail
Reports say Catholic bishops gave President Aquino’s first three years in power a failing grade. Awkwardly, Catholics gave bishops’ last 500 years in power a failing grade too.

Gay Friendly
A recent study showed the Philippines ranked as one of the most gay-friendly nations in the world. “Homosexuality should be accepted by society,” according to 73 percent of adult Filipinos. The remaining 27 percent were Catholic bishops.

SONA 2013
Malacañang has started to prepare for President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address. The president’s speech will likely be divided into three: achievements, promises, and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Reports say President Aquino is preparing himself for the upcoming SONA. To which Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Ako rin.”

iQuit
Saying he “dishonored” the Philippine Daily Inquirer, ‘Pugad Baboy’ creator Pol Medina Jr resigned as Inquirer contributor. PMJr, who was quick to apologize after admitting his mistake definitely has delicadeza. He’ll never be Senate majority floor leader.

Certification
The Commission on Audit allowed senators to liquidate up to half a million pesos via “certification.” Or as ordinary government employees would say, “Inggit much.”

Still At It
Congressional candidate Nelly Villafuerte, who badly lost to Leni Robredo in Camarines Sur is seeking the latter’s disqualification for allegedly accepting campaign contributions from foreigners. Earlier, the Villafuerte matriarch also accused Robredo of cheating. Dear Mrs. Villafuerte, What part of “Enough!” don’t you understand?

Talking Again
Here’s an interesting news. Long time rivals North and South Korea have agreed to talk again to mend their badly strained relations. All is not lost… JV and Jinggoy!

Rainy Season
On Monday afternoon, PAGASA declared that the rainy season has officially started. Davao City residents whose houses have been submerged in floodwaters since Friday were like, “Weh?! ‘Di nga?! “

Explosion
Seven people were hurt when a suspected gas explosion ripped through a school building outside New York City. Investigators are verifying reports the school building was developed by Ayala Land.

Peace
Ex-future Cebu representative Annabelle Rama has made peace with former actress Nadia Montenegro. A surprised Nadia thanked Cebuano voters for “making this possible.”

Freedom
On Wednesday, June 12, Philippine Independence turns 115 years old – making it a potential frontrunner for Senate president.

Kabang’s Back
After a successful reconstructive surgery in the US, lifesaving dog Kabang returned home to a hero’s welcome. It got a bit awkward though when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza appeared from nowhere and started cheering Kabang on.
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“Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”
~Walter Kirn

Sound Bites
“To Ms Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc,

Ma’am:

Sorry. I dishonored you.
I resign.”

~Pol Medina Jr‘s resignation submitted to PDI’s Editor In Chief

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

LESBIANS

THE JUNE 4 edition of PM Junior’s ‘Pugad Baboy’ talked about lesbians, homophobia, hypocrisy, and St. Scholastica. One of the characters in the comic strip asked, “’Di kaya tongril din ‘yung mga madre?” That was just offensive. St. Scholastica is an esteemed institution. How dare you say they’re “tongril?” You say Sapphist or Lizzie Maguire or les!

Pol Medina Jr. apologized to St. Scholastica’s College for insinuating in his popular comic strip that beautiful students in the Catholic school were lesbians. In other news, Don Bosco students have asked PM Jr. to please not write about them.

St. Scholastica’s College president Sister Mary Thomas Prado threatened to sue the Philippine Daily Inquirer unless an inquiry on PM Junior’s cartoon was conducted. PDI acted swiftly. PM Junior was suspended and an apology was issued. It’s more nun in the Philippines!

The past few weeks have been challenging for satirists, and for comedians who dish out politically incorrect jokes. Thank goodness for thinking readers! And to those who are offended by my blog posts, I am sorry if I am not your definition of funny.

Sinotto
In the last days of session, Senate President Enrile and Majority Leader Tito Sotto decided to exit. Graceful!

In giving up his post, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said, “Pagod na ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana.” The feeling is mutual.

In a privilege speech Thursday, Tito Sotto shocked his colleagues when he quit as majority floor leader. And even more shocking, no part of that speech was plagiarized.

Two Serendra
A week after the explosion that ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium in Taguig City, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas declared that the incident was caused by an LPG leak – not by a bomb, not by terrorists, not by the previous administration.

Final Tally
The Comelec had completed its final tally. Officially, it’s Team PNoy, 9; UNA, 3, and Brillantes’ tantrums, 5.

No Smoking
Through Presidential Proclamation 183 signed in 1993, the month of June has been declared, ‘No Smoking Month.’ And President Aquino was like, “’Di nga?!?”

June has been declared ‘No Smoking Month.’ President Aquino can’t wait for July.

Out!
A week after her daughter “came out,” Charice Pempengco’s mother, Raquel admitted that she used to be a lesbian also. I wonder if she went to St. Scho too.

Last week, Charice admitted that she’s a lesbian. On Friday, her mother revealed she used to be a lesbian. Can’t wait for the grandmother’s statement.
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“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~G.K. Chesterton

Sound Bites
“Binigyan ako noon ng guidelines eh, ng Inquirer. Ito yung mga guidelines na hindi mo io-overstep. Viniolate ko lahat yon. Kasi sinusubukan ko kung hanggang saan ako pwede lagi eh. Tapos pumapayag yung editorial staff ng Inquirer na ilabas. Kaya naging bold ako eh… aba okey ah, nailabas yung strip ko tungkol sa black comedy. Lumabas yung strip ko tungkol sa race. Tungkol sa religion. Eh open-minded naman pala. Sa kaka-push ko nang ganun, na-overstep ko yung threshold ng good taste. ‘Yun yung nangyari dito talaga. Totoo to eh, inaamin ko.”
~Pugad Baboy creator Pol Medina Jr.via ABS-CBN News

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PHILIPPINE TYPHOONS: A GUIDE

BREAKING: Juan Ponce Enrile has resigned as Senate President. There’s no truth to rumors though that he stepped down to do a third episode for ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya.’

SUMMER is almost over. Children are back to school. Soon, PAGASA will be warning us against weather disturbances. As a precautionary measure, here’s a guide to this year’s typhoons. Ingat!

Bagyong Erap
Sustained ang kanyang lakas ngunit pabagu-bago ng puwesto. Mahirap ma-predict ang lokasyon nito.

Bagyong Nancy
Bagamat bagong pasok pa lang, may kalakasan na. Zero visibility dahil sa itim na ulap at malakas na buhos ng ulan.

Bagyong Noynoy
Walang patawad. Isinisisi sa naunang bagyo ang pananalantang nararanasan ng mga tao.

Bagyong Mar
Nagpaparamdam lamang sa mga sosyal na lugar na may sosyal na condo units. Kung gaano ito kalakas, huwag mag-speculate. Hintayin ang babala ng mga awtoridad.

Bagyong Sixto Brillantes Jr.
Ang bagyong madaling mapikon. Lalong sumusungit ang panahon kapag pinapansin ng tao ang kanyang lakas.

Bagyong Binay
Around 2010 nang ma-detect ng satellite; nagbabantang manalanta beyond 2016.

Bagyong E.R.
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod nang lakas ang hangin.

Bagyong Bro. Eddie
Puwedeng daanin sa dasal.

Bagyong Cezar Mancao
Pansamantalang nawala sa radar ng PAGASA.

Bagyong Jessica
Isa siyang malakas na bagyo na may kabuntot na mas mahihinang bagyo. Hindi kaagad siya nagpaparamdam. Nauunang maramdaman ng publiko ang galit ng mga kabuntot niyang bagyo. Kapag medyo ramdam na ito ng publiko, saka niya ilalabas ang kanyang lakas at galit.

Bagyong Vice
Kung ikaw ang mismong tatamaan ng kanyang bagsik, masakit. Pero kung ibang tao, hindi mo siguro mapapansin na matindi pala siya. Ngunit ang bagyo ay bagyo. Hindi dapat gawing katatawanan.

Bagyong Gordon
Kinulang ang lakas upang ma-categorize bilang ganap na bagyo. Na-downgrade to a tropical storm.

Bagyong Cebu Pacific
Madalas na delayed ang entry o exit sa kalawakan ng bansa. Dahil sa ‘di matantyang galaw, malaki ang nagiging perhuwisyo.

Bagyong Miriam
Nagngangalit na panahon ang dala niya. Tatamaan ka ng kanyang kidlat kung tatanga-tanga ka.

Bagyong Kris
Agaw-atensyong sama ng panahon. Nagbabantang lilisanin ang Philippine Area of Reponsibility pero laging naaantala. Nawawala, bumabalik, heto na naman.

Bagyong Enrile
Sa unang patak ng kanyang ulan, amoy na amoy mo na ang singaw ng lupa.

Bagyong Gloria
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.

Bagyong Sotto
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.
————————————————————-
“When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.”
~Alice Hoffman

Sound Bites
“We just heard some rants from a bitter man. We just gave him his moment.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Senate President Enrile’s resignation

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

CLASSROOMS, CONDOMINIUM, CUNNILINGUS (RATED SPG)

CLASSES for Academic Year 2013-2014 opened Monday, June 3. In some schools, a teacher is assigned to supervise 50 to 75 grade school pupils. Or as Dan Brown would call it, “the most densely populated classroom on earth.”

You know it’s the opening of classes in the Philippines when… there’s monstrous traffic jams, the rains start to fall… and the government begins doing road repairs.

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng tig-sasampung piso. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala pa rin ang inorder kong chalk.”

No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Ano ang masasabi n’yo kay Charice na tomboy na raw ngayon?”

No. 3: “Pasensya!!! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor at ang DepEd eh. Parating daw ang napakalakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na siya. Hala, uwian na!”

No. 2: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng Iron Man III? Maganda ‘yon! Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…

“Girls, boys… dating gawi! Section A sa ilalim ng punong mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra! Section C, bahala na.”

Laughing
The Philippine Coast Guard dismissed as “inaccurate” and “hearsay” a Philippine Daily Inquirer report that coast guards were seen in a video laughing while they were firing at a Taiwanese fishing boat. The authenticity of the video was also questioned because a portion showed Ma’am Charo laughing too.

Two Serendra
Investigators have yet determine the cause of explosion in the upscale Two Serendra condominium. DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says there are no traces of bomb chemicals in the area. Hopefully, there will be no traces of cover-up either.

Fire!
Five people were killed when a fire of still unknown origin razed a boarding house in Las Piñas last Saturday. Residents trooped to the site of the incident hoping that President Aquino and DILG Secretary Mar Roxas would also show up. #asa

Michael Douglas
Hollywood actor Michael Douglas blames his throat cancer on sex. President Aquino is safe.

According to Michael Douglas, his throat cancer was caused by contracting human papillomavirus or HPV through cunnilingus. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the vagina.

Blast from the Past
Exactly a year ago, a clothing line got flak for its “racist” campaign: “What’s your mix?” I am reposting this blog from June 2012 plus some updates. Enjoy!

Joseph Estrada: 50% San Juan and 50% Manila

Senate President Enrile: 50% Politics and 50% Paleolithic

United Nationalist Alliance: : 25% Erap 25% Enrile 25% Binay and 25% Victory

Nancy Binay: 50% Mother and 50% Non-debater

Aga Muhlach: 90% Mestizo and 10% Bicolano

Sen. Manny Villar: 30% Dagat ng basura 30% Gitna ng kalsada and 40% Weh?

Sec. Leila De Lima: 50% Filipina and 50% Peruvian

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr: 50% Filipino and 50% Targaryen

Former Cong. Prospero Pichay: 50% Human and 50% Vegetable

Jack Enrile: 100% Maraming pagkain 100% Murang pagkain 100% Hindi bumenta sa voters

Bam Aquino: 30% Ninoy 30% Cory 30% Noynoy and 10% Bam

JV Ejercito: 50% Brother

Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas: 50% Ilonggo and 50% Ilong

Sec. Ronald Llamas: 50% Political Adviser 25% Shooter and 25% Film Reviewer

Sen. Koko Pimentel: 100% Single

Cong. Manny Pacquiao: 50% Boxer and 50% Preacher

Former Mayor Lito Atienza: 50% Manilan and 50% Hawaiian

Sen. Tito Sotto: 50% Copy and 50% Paste

Sen. Franklin Drilon: 100% Ramos 100% Erap 100% GMA and 100% Noynoy (Overweight)

Claudine Barretto: 50% Artista and 50% Karatista

Ramon Tulfo: 50% Sumbungan and 50% Bugbugan

Ex-future Congresswoman Annabelle Rama: 50% Talent Manager and 50% Loser

Jinkee Pacquiao: 50% Filipina and 50% Siyensya

E.R. Ejercito: 50% Actor 50% Governor (100% Annoying)

Vice Ganda: 50% Hilarious 50% Vicious

Manny Pangilinan: 100% Kapatid

Broadcast Journalist Jessica Soho: (‘Wag na lang ‘to)

How about you? What’s your mix?
————————————————
“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle

Sound Bites
“Proud ako sa sarili ko; mahal ko ang sarili ko kaya ko po ginagawa ito. Ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Makakalabas ako ng bahay na wala akong itatago, na wala akong masasagasaang tao dahil wala akong itinatago. Welcome to my crazy life. Enjoy the ride.”
~Singing sensation Charice on her sexuality

Have a fun week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXPLOSION, CORRUPTION AND OTHER STORIES

PRESIDENT AQUINO has signed Republic Act 10586 or the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” According to the new law, signs of drunk or drugged driving include “overspeeding, weaving, lane straddling, sudden stops, and swerving” – collectively categorized as “Things we normally see everyday.”

Republic Act 10586 shall allow cops to conduct sobriety tests on suspected drunk drivers. If a driver passes the test, he is allowed to conduct a sobriety test on the cop.

President Aquino approved the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” The law was principally authored at the Lower House by former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and son Dato – Or as the President would say, “I wasn’t aware of that.”

Stuck
A miffed President Aquino was forced to call MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Friday when he got stuck in traffic and arrived late in Taguig City for a speaking engagement. The President complained, “I did not expect it’s traffic everywhere.” And Dan Brown was like, “Told yah!”

Explosion
Some sad news. A huge explosion ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium at Bonifacio Global City Friday night. People were shocked to hear about the explosion and were even more shocked to see the President of the Republic of the Philippines himself at the explosion site shortly after the incident.

At press time, the cause of the explosion has not been determined but the President is not ruling out the involvement of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Anti-Corruption
President Aquino has signed a law designating December of every year as ‘Anti-Corruption Month.” Corrupt people in government thanked the President for the remaining 11 months.

If the President is serious on weeding out the corrupt in government, every month should be an “Anti-Corruption Month.”

Binay and Trapo
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted the Philippines to break free from traditional politics. The ‘Philippines’ replied, “You first!”

Economic Boom
The government reported an impressive economic growth of 7.8 percent in the first quarter of the year. Malacañang says “growth was felt in almost all sectors.” But not by the people (sector).

The Villafuertes
Defeated gubernatorial candidate and outgoing Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte Sr, 77 is filing an electoral protest against his 24-year-old grandson, incoming Cam Sur governor Migz Villafuerte. Villafuerte accuses his apo of “disputing, controverting and impugning the results of the elections.” Migz told his lolo, “You taught me well.”

Filthy Rich
Official records show 52 of 56 incumbent party-list representatives are multi-millionaires. There is no god.

Lozada
NBN-ZTE witness Jun Lozada who, himself, faces graft charges before the Ombudsman says he has lost faith in the administration’s “daang matuwid.” Sought for reaction, the “daang matuwid,” replied, “the feeling is mutual.”

Missed Universe Crown
Miss Universe Canada declared a losing candidate as winner only to withdraw it later. Aga Muhlach remains hopeful.

It was an epic failure for Miss Universe Canada. On pageant night, the eventual fourth place finisher was declared winner due to a typo. She was later stripped of the title. But the embarrassed candidate says she won’t file a protest because she has accepted it, she has moved on, and she’s not a Filipino politician.

Riza Santos, the former PBB housemate who was crowned Miss Universe Canada was a former Miss Earth Canada and a former Miss World Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez of beauty pageants.

Vice Ganda
Vice Ganda (Jose Marie Viceral in real life) has made a public apology. One thing is certain though, netizens are still divided on the issue. Some are sympathetic to Vice Ganda while others are sympathetic to the weighing scale. (Disclaimer: This is a joke.)

James and Bimby
The Makati Regional Trial Court grants James Yap the right to visit his son James Yap Jr. But the judge says James cannot see his ex-wife Kris Aquino – to which the basketeer reacted, “Thank God!”

American Idol
Like fellow judge Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are leaving American Idol. The viewers too.
————————————————————–
“Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

Sound Bites
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~Singing sensation Charice on “coming out”

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXCLUSIVE: VICE BREAKS SILENCE

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
May 29, 2013

“Sa nakalipas na 24 Oras ay nanahimik po ako sa isyung kinasasangkutan ni Ms. Jessica Soho.

Ako po ay nagbasa, nakinig, nakiramdam at nanood muna ng mga balita tungkol sa usaping ito.

Agad-agad, may umalma.
Agad-agad, may nanghusga.
‘Di pa naririnig ang panig ng isa, hinusgahan na? ‘Di ba pwedeng maghintay muna?

Pero iisa po ang malinaw – hati ang opinyon ng publiko.

Ang ikinagulat ko lang po, maging ang isyu kay Nancy ay inungkat pa ni Arnold Clavio. Sa tingin ko po ay ibang isyu naman ‘yon.

Sa gitna ng usap-usapan at mainit na palitan ng pananaw, tinanong ko po ang aking sarili:
Dapat ba akong magsalita?
Dapat ba akong sumagot sa mga kumento sa social media?
Dapat ba akong mag-react sa sabay-sabay na paglalabas ng saloobin ng mga taga-GMA News and Public Affairs?

Hindi ko po alam kung pahahalagahan o paniniwalaan ng mga tao ang aking magiging pahayag.

Baka sabihin nila, nagpapapansin lang ako o kaya gustong umeksena.

Ano’t ano pa man, nais ko pong ipabatid sa publiko na ako’y naniniwalang isang seryosong usapin ang rape. Hindi po ito dapat gawing katatawanan ninuman, saan man, kailan man.

Malaki po ang respeto ko kay Ms. Jessica Soho. Hindi mababago ng isang joke lamang ang pagtingin ko sa kanya bilang mahusay, masipag, matalino at mapagkakatiwalaang mamamahayag.

Ngunit sa aking palagay ay hindi po yata angkop na humingi ako ng patawad o paumanhin sa kanya.

WALA po akong ginawang mali kay Ms. Soho. Paninindigan ko ‘yan kahit saan kami makarating. Never ko po siyang pinersonal.

Baka sabihin n’yo, kesyo popular ako ngayon, napakayabang ko na. Hindi naman po sa gano’n. Nagsimula po ako sa wala kaya lagi kong ipinapaalala sa aking sarili ang salitang ‘humility.’

Iisa lang po ang aking hangarin – ang makapagpaligaya ng aking kapwa.

With that, sana po ay tutukan na lang natin ang mas mahahalagang usapin sa bansa. Nand’yan ang Taiwan-Philippines dispute, ang pang-a-ambush ng Abu Sayyaf Group sa mga sundalo ng pamahalaan, ang dumaraming bilang ng mga Pilipinong walang makain, at ang kakulangan ng classrooms at teachers sa mga eskwelahan.

Sa aking pamilya, at mga kaibigan, katrabaho at tagahanga, maraming salamat po sa walang sawang pag-unawa at suporta.

Promise, hinding-hindi ko po kayo bibiguin… sa darating na 2016.

Ang inyong Vice,
Jojo Binay
————————————————–
“Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly…”
~Saket Assertive

Sound Bites
“Ang hirap nga lang kung si Jessica Soho magbo-bold. Kailangan gang rape lagi. Sasabihin ng rapist, ‘Ipasa ang lechon.’ Sasabihin naman ni Jessica, ‘Eh nasaan yung apple?’”
~Vice Ganda (May 17 concert)

“Rape is not a joke and should never be material for a comedy concert. I thank all those who shared my hurt and expressed their support, but this should not be about me but about rape victims who suffer tremendously from this terrible crime. The horrors they go through are unspeakable and should never be taken lightly, especially by way of a cruel joke.”
~Jessica Soho

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

GATES OF HELL

MMDA CHAIRMAN Francis Tolentino is furious. He laments the “inaccurate” depiction of Manila in best-selling author Dan Brown’s new novel, “Inferno.”

Here’s an excerpt from the book:

“When the group settled in among the throngs in the city of Manila—the most densely populated city on earth—Sienna could only gape in horror. She had never seen poverty on this scale.”

Sienna, the fictional character, further noted Manila’s “six-hour traffic jams, suffocating pollution, and a horrifying sex trade.”

A disappointed MMDA Chairman wrote Mr. Brown through the author’s publisher.

Here’s the exact copy of Tolentino’s letter… (in bold)
(and what someone pretending to be him would have otherwise written.)

Mr. Dan Brown
c/o Double Day
1745 Broadway
New York, NY 10019

Dear Mr. Brown:

We write to you with much concern…
(Grabe. Affected talaga ako. Partida pa huh, hindi ko pa nababasa nang buo ang libro!)

… regarding your recently published novel, “Inferno”
(Nabasa ko rin ang Da Vinci Code mo, hindi rin ako natuwa. I’m not a fan.)

… and its mention of Manila being defined by a number of terrible descriptions of poverty and pollution,
(Alam na naming lahat ‘yan, ‘wag mo nang ipagdiinan pa!)

… among others, having “suffocating pollution, and a horrifying sex trade” and worse, being alluded as “gates of hell.”
(May matinding polusyon lang at bugawan, ‘gates of hell’ kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng purgatoryo muna? Kahit naman saan merong ganito ‘di ba?)

While we are aware that yours is a work of fiction,
(Na ayaw kong tanggaping fiction dahil parang totoo naman talaga…)

… we are greatly disappointed by your inaccurate portrayal of our beloved metropolis.
(Lalo na ‘yong sabi mong six hours ang traffic jam! Ulol, three hours na lang ‘no!)

We are displeased of how you have used Manila…
(Pwede namang New Delhi o kaya Guangdong. Or better yet… Taiwan!)

… as a venue and source of a character’s breakdown and trauma, much more her disillusionment in humanity.
(Alam mo ‘yong feeling na parang katapusan na ng mundo dahil nagkakapalitan na kayo ng mukha sa LRT at MRT tuwing umaga at uwian? I don’t. ‘Di ko pa kasi nasusubukan. Sorry. Can’t relate.)

More than your portrayal of it, Metro Manila is the center of Filipino spirit, faith and hope.
(Lalo na ‘yang Edsa! Naku, nanaisin mong maging ispiritu na lang para malayang maka-travel kapag rush hour. Kailangan mo rin ng matinding faith para makarating on time sa pupuntahan mo! Hope? Asa ka pa!)

Our faith in God binds us a nation…
(Kaya nga ang daming uma-attend sa prayer rally – pulitiko man o ordinaryong tao… nagpapa-uto sa mga business religious leaders… we’re so united!)

… and we believe that Manila citizens are more than capable of exemplifying good character and compassion towards each other,
(Lalo na kapag kampanya at eleksyon… ang babait ng mga kandidato rito. Akala mo mga santong saksakan nang lilinis at mapagkalinga!)

… something that your novel has failed to acknowledge.
(Pwes, mag-print ka ulit ng kopya. Lagyan mo ng erratum! Sumulat ka ng apology! Isama mo sa prologue, sa epilogue, sa title page, kahit saan basta linisin mo ang pangalan ng Maynila!)

Truly, our place is an entry to heaven.
(No, I’m not talking about Pegasus, Air Force One, Classmates, Miss Universe or The President Tower in Timog Avenue where some Cabinet members and their friends – if rumors are to be believed, have been frequently spotted – daw. Don’t quote me on that please. Baka ipatawag ako ni Presidente.)

We hope that this letter enlightens you…
(Oo, ikaw pa ang malabo ngayon! Best-selling author ka, MMDA Chairman ako. Hiyang-hiya ka naman sa akin!)

… and may it guide you the next time you cite Manila in any of your works.
(‘Wag na lang siguro. Write about Kabul, Darfur, Fallujah or Tijuana instead. Sila na lang! Go!)

Thank you very much and warm regards.
(Abangan mo! Tiyak na may OA na konsehal o papansing congressman d’yan na isusulong ang pagdi-deklara sa ‘yo bilang persona non grata. As if you care. Just wait.)

Sincerely,
(Oo, seryoso ako. Alam mo na, malapit na ang SONA. Pogi points. Ayoko namang masabihan na ‘di man lang ipinagtanggol ang Metro Manila.)

ATTY. FRANCIS N. TOLENTINO
Chairman

(‘Yon lang. kthxbye)

BREAKING! Dan Brown has replied to Chairman Tolentino’s letter. Agad-agad!

ATTY. FRANCIS N. TOLENTINO
Chairman
Metropolitan Manila Development Authority

Dear Chairman:

Inferno’s copyright page states:

“This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

Mahirap bang intindihin ‘yon?
(Translated by my Filipino friend here in New York).

Thank you for the free publicity. I look forward to visiting Boracay soon.

Sincerely,

P.S. I am a book author not a tourism ambassador.
——————————————————————-
“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.”
~Jessamyn West

Sound Bites
“Pinapalabas niya ang Metro Manila puro kadumihan. We surmise that Mr. Brown is not familiar with Manila or Metro Manila. [This is where the cradle of Catholicism is] as well as other religions.”
~MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Dan Brown’s new novel

Have a great weekend! ‘Wag OA.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

CHICKEN!

HERE ARE some answers to the age-old question, ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ from famous Filipinos.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jackie Enrile: Upang humanap ng murang pagkain at maraming pagkain.

Manny Pacquiao: You know.

Vice Ganda: Karapatan ng chicken na mag-cross ng road pero karapatan ko ring sabihin ang gusto kong sabihin dahil meron tayong freedom of speech: wala pang sapat na karanasan ang chicken sa pagtawid!

Risa Hontiveros: Siguro mas makabubuting pagdebatehan muna natin ang paksang ‘yan.

Nancy Binay: Wala po akong time na makipagtalo sa isyu ng pagtawid ng manok. Busy ako sa TV interviews dahil latecomer po ako. Ngayon na lang ako nagpa-interview.

UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco: We have received reports that someone manipulated the chicken into crossing that road.

Alfredo Lim: O, ‘wag kayong mag-alala, paiimbestigahan agad natin.

Supreme Court: A temporary restraining order is hereby issued to prevent the chicken from crossing the road again. So ordered.

ER Ejercito: Dahil hindi lang ‘yon ordinaryong manok. Sasabungin din ‘yon. At hindi lang basta sasabungin – lagi ‘yong nananalo!

Sixto Brillantes Jr: Wala namang masama sa pagtawid ah. Kung may maipakikita kayong anomalya sa ginawa ng manok, magre-resign ako!

Chiz Escudero: Ano’t ano pa man, dapat nating igalang ang naging pasya ng chicken. Manok man siya, walang sinuman ang may karapatang yurakan ang kanyang pagkahayup.

Kris Aquino: Dahil hinarass siya ng rooster sa harap mismo ng sisiw. Kitang-kita ng sisiw ang pangyayari. Na-trauma ang sisiw.

Cezar Mancao: Hindi kasi safe sa kinaroroonan niya kaya siya tumawid. May gustong pumatay sa kanya.

Ping Lacson: I have no interest in the chicken.

Anne Hathaway: Why not ask the chicken yourself?

Georgina Wilson: ugh! i hate meat but I only have one thing to say – whoever advised the chicken to cross that busy road was f**k**g stupid!

President Aquino: Aba malay ko! Sisihin n’yo ang dating administrasyon!
——————————————-
“Roads are no place for naive chickens dreaming of nirvana.”
~ Shalom Auslander, Hope: A Tragedy

Sound Bites
“Wala akong problema with Migz Zubiri and after everything has settled. I want to schedule a lunch or dinner with my friend, Migz Zubiri.”
~Senator-elect Koko Pimentel

To fellow Filipinos in Taiwan, stay safe and keep calm. This too shall pass.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE YOUNG AND THE SHIRTLESS

FOR VICE GOVERNOR, voters in Quezon Province elected 23-year-old Sam Nantes. How time flies! Sam Nantes was just a baby when Nancy Binay started her OJT.

Camarines Sur’s newly-elected governor, Migz Villafuerte is 24 – or as Quezon Province voters would say, “old.”

Quezon Vice Governor Sam Nantes is 23. Cam Sur Governor Migz Villafuerte is 24. Cavite Vice Governor Jolo Revilla is 25. These elected officials are really young. To give you an idea of how young these men are, even if you add 30 to their age, Loren Legarda would still find them “too young” for her.

In Camarines Sur, Atty. Leni Robredo was elected congresswoman. Her best asset is her late husband’s legacy of good governance. For governor, Cam Sur elected 24-year-old Migz Villafuerte. His best asset is his abs.

Some analysts say voters opted to elect the young and the ‘new’ last elections. That’s why you have the Grace Poes, the Nancy Binays, the Bam Aquinos, the Sonny Angaras, and the face of Cynthia Villar.

Bitter?
Defeated Congressional candidate Nelly Villafuerte of Camarines Sur accuses proclaimed winner Leni Robredo of cheating. That’s like accusing Albay Governor Joey Salceda of womanizing.

Still in Cam Sur, Aga Muhlach lost – officially to Wimpy Fuentebella. Aga refuses to accept his loss. Voters refuse to accept Aga’s from Bicol.

Finished
It’s a 9-3 victory for Team PNoy after five stages: COC filing, campaigning, voting, counting and proclamation. Meanwhile, UNA can now focus on the next five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Here’s a good news: the midterm election is over. Here’s an even better news: we’ll be hearing less from Toby Tiangco.

Bad news for UNA’s Migz Zubiri: he finished 14th in the senatorial race. The good news is he doesn’t have to resign.

Many are saddened by Richard Gordon’s loss. But a number of people are also celebrating his defeat. Those people are called ‘Gringo supporters.’

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?

A: “Sinukat ko ang agwat ng ranking namin ni Risa Hontiveros. Ganito kalayo o! Boom!”
B: “Sabi ni Daddy, ganito lang siya kahaba nang ipanganak. Promise!”
C: “Nag-print ako ng anti-Nancy Binay memes at ganito yata karami ang print out. As in!”
D: “Ganito!! Ganito kakapal ang pinlantsa ko noong Huwebes kaya ‘di ako naka-attend sa proclamation.”

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang nasa larawan?

A: “Sweetheart, bakit ang sarap yata ng tawa mo?”
“Eh kasi, malamang na nanonood si Mommy ngayon. Gusto ko lang siyang asarin!”

B: “Sweetheart, anong nakakatawa?”
“Wala lang. Natutuwa lang ako dahil No. 4 ka, at si JV, No. 11. ‘Di ba siniraan ka no’n? Hihihi”

C: “Sweetheart, may dumi ba ako sa mukha? Ba’t mo ‘ko tinatawanan?”
“Nooo! Hindi ikaw babe! Ayun o, sina Ma’am Loren at Alan Cayetano… nag-uusap. I swear, feeling ko ‘di sila sincere.”

D: “Sweetheart, what’s funny?”
“Eh kasi, nautot ako habang katabi si Chairman Brillantes. Gosh! Narinig yata niya. Embarrassing! Ahihihi”

Ano ang gustong sabihin ng lalaking puti ang buhok?

A: “Ke ganda-gandang babae no’ng Heart, ang baho ng utot.”
B: “Nangangamoy 9-3 na talaga. Kaya siguro ‘no show’ si Nancy.”
C: “Mag-resign kaya ako ngayon para agaw-eksena sa proclamation?!”
D: “Pare, umaalingasaw ang pagiging bitter no’ng isang kampo. May manipulasyon daw ng data. Wala naman ‘di ba? Move on, move on din pag may time. Oooops, i hate that phrase.”

[Photos: Interaksyon.com]

Dangerous
Reports say Somalia is the most dangerous place in the world. In close second is Taiwan.

Cokehead Pol
Toronto Mayor Robert Ford was caught using cocaine. If removed from his post, Ford can always come to the Philippines, run for office in Ilocos Sur and win a seat in Congress.

RIP Bella Flores
Bella Flores, the iconic character actress is dead at 84. People are now asking, “Sino na ang papalit sa kanya bilang most hated kontrabida?” And Nancy Binay was like, “O, ba’t nakatingin kayo sa akin?”

Ai-Ai Breaks Down
The Comedy Concert Queen is single again! Ai-Ai De Las Alas’ 29-day marriage to Jed Salang breaks Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.
————————————————–
“In war, our elders may give the orders…but it is the young who have to fight.”
~T.H. White

Sound Bites
“At the end of the day, ang apelyido ko pa rin ang nagpapanalo sa akin sa halalang ito.”
~Senator-elect Nancy Binay (Via 24Oras, May 17)

“ugh i hate politics – but I only have one thing to say: Anyone that votes for Erap is a f***ing idiot.”
~Model Georgina Wilson on Twitter

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

WINNERS, LOSERS II

THE TRANSMISSION of election returns has slowed down. To give you an idea of how slow it has become, when the counting started, Chairman Brillantes didn’t have a single strand of white hair.

And when the counting started, the Philippines and Taiwan were still friends!

Prediction
Last month, Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. predicted that 12 winning senators would be proclaimed in 48 hours after the polls. In making the bold prediction though, Brillantes failed to disclose something – he was of Mayan descent.

Winners All
In the 2013 midterm elections, Grace Poe emerged as the biggest winner. She was closely followed by ABS-CBN and GMA Network.

Lucky
Losing in the initial tally, reelectionist Mayor Mariano Malones Sr. of Maasin, Iloilo conceded defeat to his opponent Elben Malaga only to win by FIVE votes after the final count. Malaga is filing a case against Malones for giving him false hope.

Also reelected was the controversial Albay governor Joey Salceda. Bongga!

Camarines Sur’s youngest governor Migz Villafuerte vows to continue the Villafuerte legacy. Cam Sur is still one of the poorest provinces in the country. You might want to reconsider that hijo.

After serving time for drug possession, Ronald Singson is back in Ilocos, back in politics, and back in Congress. He refuses to go back to Hong Kong though.

Atty. Leni Robredo scored a landslide win against Nelly Villafuerte, the matriarch of the influential Villafuerte clan and dynasty of Camarines Sur. Robredo got 102,694 votes while Villafuerte got embarrassed.

Annabelle Concedes
Trounced by former lawmaker Raul Del Mar in Cebu’s north district, talent manager Annabelle Rama tweeted, “I shall return.” Cebuanos replied, “Don’t bother.”

After conceding defeat in Cebu, Annabelle Rama tweeted, “Its not the end of my political career.” Correction: It ended before it began.

Addressing her Twitter followers, defeated congressional candidate Annabelle Rama said, “Its not the end of my political career.” Netizens replied, “It’s.”

Celebs Win/Lose
Winning in the initial count, actor Aga Muhlach is now losing to Wimpy Fuentebella by a slim margin. “Now you know the feeling.” – Richard Gomez

Anjo Yllana won as councilor in Quezon City’s fifth district. It turned out that voters in that area in QC were former residents of Parañaque City.

Joey Marquez was unsuccessful yet again in Parañaque. In recent years, he’s been losing elections in the city. One more loss and he’ll just transfer to QC.

In Batangas, award-winning actor Christopher De Leon placed a distant third in the Congressional race while Joko Diaz failed to win as Board Member. Boyet and Joko couldn’t believe they lost – while voters couldn’t believe they’re from Batangas.

Imelda Papin lost her bid for a Congressional seat in San Jose Del Monte City in Bulacan. In related news, Papin has a new single: “Isang Linggong Hinagpis.”

Manny Pacquiao was reelected representative of the lone district of Sarangani. He was unopposed. Nobody’s interested to challenge Pacman anymore. Not the Chiongbians, not the Marquezes, not the Mayweathers.

Newly-proclaimed Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says his top priority is fixing the problem of ‘peace and harmony.’ To prove his sincerity, he’ll start with Jinggoy and JV.

Actor E.R. Ejercito won the gubernatorial race in Laguna. And we don’t care. Period.
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“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.”
~Albert Payson Terhune

Sound Bites
“We had a dynasty, that I don’t deny. But no law states that is wrong.”
~Romeo Jalosjos of the Jalosjos dynasty of Zamboanga. Only 2 of 6 family members won in the last elections

Elsewhere
AFP: A rogues’ gallery of election winners

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

WINNERS, LOSERS ATBP.

SOME GOOD NEWS: the midterm election is over. And in better news, the liquor ban had been lifted.

The good news is the midterm election is over. The bad news is the 2016 presidential campaign has just begun.

The midterm election is over. Cynthia Villar and Jamby Madrigal can now stop acting like they’re friends.

We’re done with the 2013 midterm elections. Alan Peter Cayetano can now openly attack Loren Legarda.

National Elections
Team PNoy’s Grace Poe is leading the race for senator. Asked about her very strong showing, Grace Poe replied, “I’m surprised!” Loren Legarda said, “Me too.”

Prof. Randy David says appearance in debates helped Grace Poe prove that’s she’s an intelligent candidate. Non-appearance in debates helped Nancy Binay prove she’s a more intelligent candidate.

Nancy Binay is winning. Risa Hontiveros is losing. No debate in the plenary. Well played Nancy, well played.

Much to the dismay of her critics, Nancy Binay will probably be proclaimed senator of the Philippines. A stunned but ecstatic Nancy thanked her party, her supporters, and her surname.

Team PNoy’s Jun Magsaysay is out of the Magic 12. Ser Chief’s magic didn’t work.

Televangelist Eddie Villanueva lost another bid for a national post. A few minutes ago, Villanueva was overheard saying, “Lord, strike 3 ka na!”

Some of the losers this year include Jamby Madrigal, Ernesto Maceda, Mitos Magsaysay and the Catholic vote.

At press time, Jack Enrile is at No. 15. Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile is demanding a refund from ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya.’

Local Elections
In Manila, former San Juan Mayor Joseph Estrada and his running mate Isko Moreno have been proclaimed winners. Bingo!

In Camarines Sur, 23-year-old Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte defeated his 77-year-old grandfather Luis Villafuerte Sr. in the gubernatorial race. It was only the second win for Migz whose first victory was against a classmate in a game of DoTA.

Camarines Sur elected its youngest governor in history, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte, 23 years old. Villafuerte thanked the people of Cam Sur for giving him his first OJT.

At only 23, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte was elected govenor of Camarines Sur. Even Nancy Binay was like, “Ano ‘to laro?!”

Aga Muhlach almost won a Congressional seat in Camarines Sur. The actor can’t wait to go back to Manila and stop pretending he’s Bicolano.

Pampanga
In Pampanga, Lilia ‘Baby’ Pineda posted a landslide win against former priest, Among Ed Panlilio. Asked to describe her overwhelming victory, Pineda said, “Masaya! Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

Annabelle Rama
In Cebu’s first district, talent manager Annabelle Rama was trounced by former lawmaker Raul Del Mar. Cebuanos chose mind over mother.

Feisty talent manager Annabelle Rama lost badly in Cebu. In fact, she lost even in her own precinct cluster. Before the polls opened on Monday, Ruffa Gutierrez tweeted that her mom was praying loudly. And her prayers were in fact, answered. It’s a no.

Richard and Lucy
In Leyte, Lucy Torres is back as District 1 representative while Richard Gomez is… back as her chief of staff.

Richard Gomez lost the mayoral race in Ormoc City. Aside from being an actor, Richard is also known for his hobbies: archery, fencing, and losing elections.

The Pacquiaos
In Sarangani, Jinkee Pacquiao won the race for vice governor. Jinkee was so happy her face actually moved.

Neophyte politician Jinkee Pacquiao was elected vice governor of Sarangani Province. Asked about her platform, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

BREAKING: Napagpasyahan ng Commission on Elections na sa 2016 election, ang balota ay isusubo hindi sa PCOS machine kundi sa mga kandidato MISMO. Kapag iniluwa, talo. FYI.
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“Elections determine who is in power, but they do not determine how power is used.”
~Paul Collier

Sound Bites
“’Yong mga bashers na ‘yon, talagang natural na ‘yon, ‘yong mga inggitero, inggitera.”
~Vice President Binay on daughter Nancy’s detractors

Mabuhay ang demokrasya!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

VOTE!

LET US bow our heads and offer a short prayer for the midterm elections.

“Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our sins
As we forgive our politicians
Amen.”

MONDAY, May 13 is Election Day. I can’t wait to NOT vote for certain candidates.

In no particular order, my top 3 choices for senator are Haydee Yorac, Winnie Monsod, and Oscar Orbos.

If the 2013 elections become successful, Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. deserves no less than three episodes on ‘Maaalaala Mo Kaya.’

Campaign Over
On Saturday, 11:59PM, the election campaign ended. Torture over!

Campaigning for Monday’s polls has ended. A relieved FPJ was like, “Can I rest now?”

Forty
Senatorial candidate Nancy Binay turned 40 on Sunday, May 12. As a birthday gift to herself, she took a leave from her OJT.

UNA candidate Nancy Binay is expected to win a Senate seat. The 40-year-old mother couldn’t hide her excitement. Finally, she’s got something to write under the heading “Achievements” on her resumé.

Solid
President Aquino is hoping that the electorate will vote for the 12 senatorial candidates of Team PNoy. How can you expect the people to go 12-0 when your candidates themselves won’t?

Surveys
An SWS study showed 74 percent of respondents considered election surveys as “good.” The rest were UNA candidates.

An SWS study showed nearly 3 in 4 Filipinos considered election surveys as “good.” The three were SWS employees.

Ano ang naging takbo ng usapan ng dalawang lalaking nagbubulungan?

A: “Sa tingin mo Isko papayag si Sexy kung iimbitahan ko mamayang gabi?”
“Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan Mr. President? Ikaw pa? Walang makatatanggi sa ‘yo!”

B: “Parang walang pwet.”
“Ok lang ‘yon sir! Sexy pa rin!”

C: “Kung ako sa ‘yo, popormahan ko ‘yan after ng kampanya.”
“Sir naman! Good boy ako. Ikaw na lang.”

D: “Itim ang panty ‘no?”
“Ssssh. Huwag kang maingay sir! Nasa likod ko si Nancy. Baka isipin no’n siya ang pinag-uusapan natin.”

Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-asul sa lalaking nakangiti?

A: “Ang ganda ng ngiti mo ah. Bakit? Nanalo ka na ba?!”
B: “Bro, pengeng number ni Sam Pinto. Meron ka raw eh.”
C: “Parang may kamukha kang reporter sa anggulong ‘yan. Alam ko na! Si JP Soriano ng GMA News!”
D: “Psst! Alam kong nakita mo ako. iacknowledge mo naman ako kahit kaplastikan lang! Nakakahiya sa mga tao. Hoy!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking nakapula sa kanyang katabing kandidato habang nagsasalita si Loren Legarda?

A: “Alam mo ba kung ilang US properties ang ‘di n’yan idineklara sa kanyang SALN?”
B: “Atin-atin lang ‘to. Pinaplastik ko lang siya nang makipagkamay ako kanina. Nahiya lang ako kay Presidente.”
C: “Ang lakas naman ng loob ng katabi mo! Sleeveless kung sleeveless!”
D: “Huwag kang lilingon huh. Simplehan mo lang. Totoo kaya ang tsismis na bading ‘yong nasa likod mo?”

[Photos: Reuters/Interaksyon/Philippine Daily Inquirer]

In Other News
Some 78,000 people have applied to go on a one-way trip to Mars. The worst thing about those 78,000 applicants? No one among them was a member of our Congress. Sayang!

Reports say the journey to the Red Planet would take at least six months. It’s like traveling on Edsa during rush hour.
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“It turns out horrendous when you choose the wrong options.”
~ Jaachynma N.E. Agu

Sound Bites
“Don’t you want the Philippines to have a president who is from Taguig?”
~Alan Peter Cayetano campaigning in his turf

Go out and vote! Gamitin ang utak sa pagboto!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.