EXCOMMUNICATION

1 10 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino has abandoned Roman Catholicism for another religion. Likewise, palace sources insist there’s no truth to rumors that the President is forming his own ministry called, “Ang Tuwid na Daan.”


The CBCP’s Threat
Interviewed on Radio Veritas, CBCP president and Tandag, Surigao del Sur Bishop Nereo Odchimar said the Catholic Church might excommunicate President Aquino if the government pushed through with a plan to distribute contraceptives. In the same interview, Bishop Odchimar appealed to Andres Bonifacio and the Katipuneros to surrender to the Spanish government.

The CBCP’s Threat II
Malacañang is reportedly unfazed by CBCP president Nereo Odchimar’s excommunication threat. Palace insiders say President Aquino will neither bow to nor be cowed by the CBCP president… unless he’s Chinese.

This just in!
CBCP president Bishop Nereo Odchimar has denied saying that President Aquino may be excommunicated. He insisted that his statement was “taken out of context” and “blown out of proportion” by the media. “Taken out of context” and “Blown out of proportion” – Hmm, is Odchimar a member of the CBCP or the Presidential Communications Group?


Heckling Tour Guide
Social activist/Manila tour guide and Reproductive Health Bill advocate Carlos Celdran was arrested and detained Thursday for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral. Dressed in a Jose Rizal-inspired outfit, Celdran stood in front of the altar, flashed a sign that read, “Damaso,” and shouted, “Stop getting involved in politics” in protest of the Church’ anti-RH Bill stance. Celdran was detained for almost 24 at the Manila Police District Station 5 in Ermita during which he started to write two novels.

Reports say Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim together with some soldiers, and policemen were attending mass at the Manila Cathedral when Carlos Celdran staged a solo protest action Thursday. Interviewed by GMA News, the police said it was Mayor Lim who ordered that Celdran be taken into custody. Lim is expected to deny that.

Manila tour guide Carlos Celdran was detained for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral Thursday. The visibly upset priest decided to cut short the mass… and ordered Basilio and Crispin to usher Celdran out of the cathedral.

Light Bites: Modern Dictionary
Ex.Communication, noun: Term that may be used to describe Secretaries Herminio Coloma, Ricky Carandang and Atty. Edwin Lacierda if they don’t get their act together
Example: Uy, ex.communication group head na pala si blah-blah! Kailan pa?

The IIRC Report: Reviewed
Malacañang says Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa and Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Eduardo de Mesa have finished reviewing the IIRC report on the August 23 hostage crisis. Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda says the results of the review will be posted at http://www.gov.ph. It will be uploaded five hours after it appears on www.gov.cn.

Miriam vs. Chavit
There’s an ongoing war between Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit’ Singson. The rift surprises a number of people mainly because neither Miriam nor Chavit belongs to either the Balay or the Samar Group.


On her Twitter account, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago called Ilocos Sur Governor Luis Singson, “Sabit Singson.” Singson retaliated by calling Santiago, “Brenda” on his Friendster shoutout.

Splitsville?
Persistent rumors say President Aquino and his girlfriend have called it quits. Observers believe the President would have not quit on the girl if her name was “Smoking.”

President Aquino and his girlfriend reportedly broke up. And Enrico Puno was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Rumors say the President and his girlfriend have separated. And Kris Aquino was like, “Win na Win!”

No to Smoking
Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad has endorsed the Philippine Medical Association’s new smoking ban policy. And people were like, “Ahh, break na nga!”

In Entertainment
An amended petition filed by the lawyers of Kris Aquino claims the TV host and James Yap both have “personality disorders” since their youth. And I was like, is that even news?
———————————-
“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”

~ REM, Losing My Religion

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez, ano ang dapat gawin ng Kongreso:
– ITULOY ang pagdinig kahit labag sa order ng Supreme Court! 40.7%
– SUNDIN ang status quo ante order ng Korte para walang gulo. 47.98%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 11.32%

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DENIALS

22 09 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Charo Santos has canceled her plan to feature the life story of DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno on the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.” The creative team is having a hard time drafting the script because, apparently, walang maalaala si Usec Puno.


The Senate Hearing
In Tuesday’s Senate hearing, DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno failed to identify the jueteng emissaries (some of whom were even his “friends”) who approached him saying he couldn’t remember any of their names. For the next hearing, the Senate plans to invite a doctor to determine if jueteng can cause amnesia.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz named DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno as one of the “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola, allegedly receiving as much as 8 million pesos a month. Sought for comment, Puno said he couldn’t remember if he got 8 million pesos or less, or if he even got any.

Amid calls for his resignation, Undersecretary Puno told reporters, “Wala pa naman akong ginagawang mali.” Well, wala ka pa ring ginagawang tama!

For those who missed Tuesday’s Senate hearing, here are some excerpts:

Senator Enrile: Sinu-sino ang mga lumapit sa ‘yo na nagtangkang makipag-set ng appointment?
Usec Puno: In passing lang naman po ang pagbanggit nila. Pero wala pong direktang pag-uusap tungkol sa jueteng.
Senator Enrile: Kaya nga! Name names!
Usec Puno: Sa sobrang dami nga po, wala na akong maalala. Basta, sobrang dami nila.

Senator Legarda: Sabi mo kanina, friends mo sila. So dapat kilala mo. Gusto naming malaman, sinu-sino sila?
Usec Puno: Actually, friends ko lang po sila sa Facebook kaya hindi ko na maalala ang mga pangalan. Talaga pong napakarami nila.
Senator Enrile: Sinu-sinong jueteng operators ang nagpadala ng emisaryo sa ‘yo?
Usec Puno: Ang dami kasi nila. Wala na rin po akong maalala.
Senator Enrile: Nakakapikon ka na! Kung cross-examination ito, talo ka na. Ako, lawyer ako. Ikaw lawyer ka ba?
Usec Puno: Hindi po. Ako po’y isang farmer.
Senator Enrile: Okay. Sige. Ito na lang ang tanong ko: anu-anong mga halaman na ang naitanim mo?
Usec Puno: Naku, sobrang dami na po. Hindi ko na maalala.
Senator Legarda: Kahit isang uri ng halaman, hindi mo na matandaan?
Usec Puno: ‘Yon nga po eh. Napakarami po nila. Talagang ‘di ko na maalala.
Senator Enrile: Sabi mo sa ANC, very close ka sa ating Pangulo at ikaw ang hingahan niya ng problema. Ang tanong ko: bakit ‘di ka kasama ni Pangulong Aquino sa Amerika?
Usec Puno: Sino po ‘yon? ‘Di ko na siya maalala.
Senator Enrile: Usec Puno, I’m reminding you that you are under oath!
Usec Puno: Talaga po?? Sorry, ‘di ko naalala.
Session Suspended.
End of transcript.


More Revelations
According to Archbishop Cruz’ report on jueteng, DILG Undersecretary Rico Puno, former PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, and retired Senior Supt. Rey Cachuela were collectively known as the “Three Kings” – which was really ironic because they’re the ones who receive gifts.

Jueteng-free?
Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda, wife of jueteng lord Bong Pineda claims there is no jueteng in her province. This woman has a future in comedy. To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Mayon Volcano in Albay.


Pangasinan Governor Amado Espino Jr., Baguio City Mayor Mauricio Domogan, and Isabela Rep. Paul Dy who were also identified by Archbishop Cruz as jueteng operators all denied the allegation and insisted that there’s no jueteng in their respective areas. Oo na! Sige na! Maniniwala na kami. Hindi totoo ang jueteng. Gawa-gawa lamang ito. Kathang-isip. Isang ilusyon. Bunga ng malikot na imahinasyon! Kabalintunaan! Walang jueteng! Wala! O, masaya na kayo?

Tony Boy’s Request
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz revealed that four days before the hearing, President Aquino’s second cousin, businessman Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco told him to “go easy” on his jueteng exposé. The archbishop said he didn’t promise to accede to Cojuangco’s request. Instead, he advised Tony Boy to tell his partner Gretchen Barretto to “go easy” on Botox.

Postscript: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz has denied rumors that before senators were given a copy of his report on jueteng, a copy was submitted first to the Chinese Embassy.


The IIRC Report
Malacañang did not release the full report of the Incident Investigation and Review Committee on the August 23 hostage crisis. But anyone who wants to have a copy of the complete report may personally go to Malacañang. Just present a Chinese passport.

The IIRC recommended the filing of charges against DILG undersecretary Enrico Puno for mishandling the August 23 hostage crisis. Sought for reaction, Puno said, “Hostage crisis? Kelan ‘yon?”


Did you see Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s outburst on TV? That was classic. Apparently, the mayor has learned a lot from his vice mayor.

Defending his deputy, Mayor Lim said, “Ang pakiusap ko lang ho, alisin n’yo na lang si Vice Mayor Isko Moreno sa idedemanda. Ako na lang ho ang idemanda n’yo.” Reacting to Lim’s statement, Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” At that moment, the blood pressure of Manila’s No. 1 councilor shot up due to excitement.

On Mayor Lim’s statement, Vice Mayor Isko Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” Dahil dyan, may nag-texxxxxt! “Akala ko ba ako lang?! Hmpf! – Kuya Germs.”

In a press conference Tuesday, a very emotional Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim contested the report of the IIRC that conducted an investigation into the August 23 hostage incident. But before members of the press could ask some questions, Lim excused himself and said, “Hindi pa kasi ako nagla-lunch.”
———————————-
“Gambling is the son of avarice and the father of despair.”
– French Proverb

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, matitigil kaya ang jueteng sa ilalim ng administrasyong Aquino?
– Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan. 15.59%
– Imposible! Sus, asa pa! 56.44%
– Legalize it na lang! 27.97%

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TESTING!

19 09 2010

NAKAKAWINDANG.
NAKAKALITO.
Nakakainis.
Nakakagulo.
Wala pa mang isandaang araw sa puwesto, sunud-sunod na ang intrigang ibinabato, at sari-sari nang problema ang nakikipagbuno sa administrasyon ni Pangulong Aquino. Nasusundan n’yo pa ba ang mga pangyayari sa bansang ito? Sige nga, subukan n’yo.

Panuto: Piliin ang titik ng sagot na para sa ‘yo ay tumutugon sa bawat tanong. Bawal mag-Google ng sagot. Walang mandadaya. Sabi nga ng ating pangulo, panahon na para tahakin ang landas na matuwid! You have 45 minutes. Good luck!

1: Ano ang opisyal na katungkulan sa pamahalaan ni Ginoong Enrico E. Puno?
A: Secretary ng DILG
B: Shooting buddy ni presidente
C: Interior Undersecretary
D: Tulay ng jueteng emissary

2: Ano ang ibinigay na dahilan ni Pangulong Aquino nang ibunyag nitong “acting” secretary lamang ng DILG si Ginoong Jesse Robredo?
A: “We had some differences during the campaign as to style.”
B: “My uncle Peping doesn’t really like him.”
C: “He’s got no interest in practical shooting.”
D: “Our relationship is still in the getting-to-know-you stage.”

3: Sa isang panayam sa ANC, nagmungkahi ng tatlong pangalan si Undersecretary Rico Puno na puwede raw ipalit kay DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo. Sinu-sino ang tatlong ‘yon?
A: Jejomar Binay, Edward Hagedorn, at Alfredo Lim
B: Jessica Soho, Luchi Cruz-Valdez at Maria Ressa
C: Rodrigo Duterte, Avelino Razon, at Jesus Versoza
D: Jake Maderazo, Erwin Tulfo, at Michael Rogas

4: Ayon kay Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, magkano ang buwanang jueteng payola na tinatanggap ng dalawang high-ranking trusted officials ni Pangulong Aquino?
A: Dalawang milyong piso bawat isa
B: Ang liit naman no’n!
C: Oo nga, cheap!
D: Limang milyon bawat isa!

5: Pinuri ng palasyo ang bagong talagang pinuno ng kapulisan na si Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo dahil sa pangako nitong susugpuin ang jueteng at mga ilegal na sugal. In particular, anong policy ni Bacalzo sa PNP ang inilarawan ni palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda as “effective?”
A: “No ID, No Entry policy” – Bawal ang pulis na walang ID sa venue ng bolahan
B: “One strike policy” – Kapag may jueteng sa nasasakupan, sibak ang police directors!
C: “Honesty is the best policy” – Ang magsasabi ng totoo, mapu-promote!
D: “One China policy” – Doble effort sa pagtugis kung gambling lord ay Chinese

6: “It was a disastrous example of incompetence, political factionalism and lack of national leadership.” Ang linyang ito ay mula sa isang artikulong lumabas noong September 6 sa Asian edition ng The Wall Street Journal. Pinamagatang, “Noynoy flunks his first test,” ang kumentaryo tungkol sa palpak na pagresolba ng pamahalaan sa August 23 hostage crisis ay sinulat ni/ng…
A: Isang perpektong mamamahayag
B: Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
C: Maria Ressa, pinuno ng ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs
D: Ricky Lo

7: Isinumite na kay Pangulong Aquino ang 83-page report ng Incident Investigation and Review Committee na pinamumunuan ni Justice Secretary Leila De Lima hinggil sa August 23 hostage crisis. Ngunit ayon kay Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang, ito raw ang plano ng palasyo:
A: Pagbalik na pagbalik ng Pangulo mula Amerika, isasapubliko
B: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy then, isasapubliko
C: Bibigyan ng kopya ang ANC then, ang Chinese embassy
D: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy, ang ANC, then isasapubliko

8: Matapos humarap sa panel ng mga news anchors mula sa ABS-CBN, GMA-7 at TV5 noong September 9, may binitiwang linya si Pangulong Aquino patungkol sa August 23 hostage crisis sa kanyang closing statement. Natatandaan mo pa ba ‘yon?
A: “To Mr. Donald Tsang, I regret not taking your call.”
B: “To all Hong Kong nationals, apologies for the smile!”
C: “This incident will not define this administration.”
D: “To the angry Chinese community, kayo ang boss ko!”

9: Ang balita: tumawag kay Pangulong Aquino si Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis. Tumawag ba talaga? Ang sagot ni Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma:
A: “Ma!”
B: “’Di po kapanipaniwala ‘yan dahil accessible siya sa lahat nang oras.”
C: “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
D: “Maghapon akong wala sa palasyo. Si Ricky ang tanungin n’yo!”

10: Sino si Michael Rogas?
A: RMN news anchor
B: Kung paniniwalaan ang sabi ng driver ng tourist bus, siya at si Mike Enriquez ay iisa
C: Biglang sikat na reporter
D: Hostage negotiator

11: Mahirap mang paniwalaan ngunit ito umano ang totoong nangyari. Nakatakas sa hostage taker ang ipinosas na bus driver na si Alberto Lubang sa pamamagitan ng:
A: Nail clipper
B: Pagkagat sa posas
C: Magic
D: Nail file

12: Bago mag-alas-siyete ng gabi noong August 23, isang estratehiya ang iminungkahi ni Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim kay Manila Police District head Chief Superintendent Rodolfo Magtibay upang maresolba ang hostage crisis. Ano ‘yon?
A: “Kapag ‘di sumuko, dalhin sa Tondo ang kapatid n’yan at iligpit!”
B: “Ang pinag-usapan namin ni Magtibay, pagurin si Mendoza!”
C: “Bahala na si Isko Moreno sa inyo. Kakain muna ako!”
D: “Sugurin na kasi ang bus para matapos na!”

13: Ayon sa Newsbreak, “Guess who was drunk as a skunk just days after the Luneta bloodbath.” Opisyal ito ng pamahalaan na umano’y namataan sa lobby ng Manila Peninsula na lasing na lasing dakong 2AM last August 27. Sino siya?
A: Joseph Estrada
B: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
C: DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman
D: Have I mentioned Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa?

14: “Ang pakiusap ko ay huwag n’yo itong gawing telenovela.” Ito ang apela ni Social Welfare Secretary Soliman kaugnay ng isyung:
A: Pag-abandona kay Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Hidwaan ng Balay Group at Samar Group sa gabinete
C: Kinukuwestyong 123% increase sa budget ng DSWD
D: Hiwalayang Shalani at Noynoy

15: Ipinagbabawal na ng DepEd ang pagbibigay ng homework sa mga mag-aaral kapag weekend. Bakit daw?
A: Upang makapaglaro at makapag-bond sa pamilya
B: Upang isulong ang social skills ng mga bata through Facebook
C: Upang maiwasan ang dayaan sa mga sagot
D: Upang makatipid sa lapis at papel

16: Kung sina Budget Secretary Butch Abad at Presidential Management Staff Chief Julia Abad ay mag-ama; sina DOST Secretary Mario Montejo at Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa ay mag-bayaw, at magkapatid naman sina SSS President Emilio De Quiros Jr. at Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, mag-ano naman sina Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo at Vice President Jejomar Binay?
A: Magkaalyado (Samar Group)
B: Magkapitbahay
C: Fraternity brothers (Alpha Phi Omega)
D: Magka-kulay

17. Kung may bad news, may good news! Ayon kay Tourism Sec. Alberto Lim, tatlong porsiyento lamang ng turismo sa Pilipinas ang naapektuhan ng August 23 hostage crisis. Yehey! Maiba ako, kilala n’yo ba kung sinong broadcast journalist ang kapatid ni Secretary Lim?
A: Mel Tiangco. Middle name n’ya ay Lim, right?
B: Jessica Soho. Magkapatid sila sa ina, ‘di ba?
C: Cheche Lazaro. Maiden name niya Lim, tama?
D: Susan Enriquez. Hindi kita pipilitin kung ayaw mong maniwala. Siya ‘yon!

18: At press time ay mahigit 160,000 na ang followers ni Pangulong Aquino sa Twitter. Ang tanong: ilan naman ang pina-follow niya?
A: Wala. Suplado!
B: More than 10,000
C: Less than 20
D: Wala akong pakialam! Hindi ako nagtu-Twitter!

19: Miss Universe 2010: “What is one big mistake that you made in your life, and what did you do to make it right?” Sino ang nagtanong nito kay Maria Venus Raj?
A: William Baldwin
B: Alec Baldwin
C: Stephen Baldwin
D: Michael Rogas

20: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang ina ni Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Lilia Pineda, asawa ng alleged jueteng lord
C: Sandra Cam, jueteng whistleblower
D: Amy Austria, mahusay na aktres

21: Sino naman ang lalaking ito?

A: SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, kapatid ng napatay na hostage taker
B: RMN reporter/anchor Michael Rogas
C: Insp. Bismark Mendoza, bunsong anak ng napatay na hostage taker
D: Uuuutang na loob, tigilan n’yo na si Michael Rogas!
———————————
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyong tumatanggap ng jueteng payola si Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno?
-OO! Posible! 80.92%
-HINDI! Paninira lang! 1.78%
-Hintayin nating matapos ang imbestigasyon. 17.3%

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A Conversation with the President: Exclusive!

10 09 2010

On Thursday, September 9, 2010, President Noynoy Aquino answered questions from a panel of news anchors representing the country’s three biggest networks: Mel Tiangco for GMA 7, Ted Failon for ABS-CBN, and Paolo Bediones for TV5.


After the no holds barred interview, The Professional Heckler requested for an exclusive, more honest, one-on-one “follow up” conversation with the Chief Executive. Here are some unedited excerpts:

The Professional Heckler (TPH): Mahal na Pangulo, magandang hapon po.
President Noynoy Aquino (PNA): Magandang hapon naman. Sino ka nga ulit? Pasensya na, hindi kasi sure ‘yong aide ko kung sino ka at para saan ang panayam na ito.
TPH: Gano’n po ba? Talagang consistent ang aide na ‘yan ah.
PNA: May sinasabi ka?
TPH: Wala po. Ang sabi ko po, isa akong blogger at pinayagan ako ng head ng Communications Group n’yo na makausap kayo nang one-on-one.
PNA: Talaga? Sino sa kanila? Tatlo ‘yon eh.
TPH: ‘Yon pong taga-Balay Group.
PNA: Ah si Attorney Lacierda!
TPH: Hindi po. ‘Yong dating broadcaster na nakaka-tweet ko bago siya nabigyan ng puwesto sa gobyerno.
PNA: Ahhhhhhhh, okay. Bakit? Hindi na ba siya nagtu-tweet ngayon?
TPH: ‘Pansin ko lang po, hindi na masyado. Pero minsan, nagdi-direct message na lang sa Twitter. Parang careful na po yata.
PNA: I see. Sige, basta bilisan na lang natin huh. You have 10 minutes. May pupuntahan pa ko eh.

TPH: Unang isyu po mahal na Pangulo: kanina, tinanong kayo kung may paksyon-paksyon sa gabinete. Ang sabi n’yo wala. Ang tanong ko po: sino ang nag-advise sa inyo na ganyan ang isagot n’yo: ang Balay Group o ang Samar Group?
PNA: Actually pareho, este, I mean… wala. Wala ngang paksyon ‘di ba? So walang nag-advise sa akin.
TPH: Pero iba po ang nakikita namin. Halimbawa, dalawa ang head ng inyong Communications Group. Coloma sa kanan, Carandang sa kaliwa. May Lacierda pa sa gitna. ‘Tapos, minsan magkakaiba ang kanilang sinasabi. Ang DILG naman, tila hinati sa DI at sa LG… may Robredo sa taas, may Puno sa baba. Hindi po ba magulo?!
PNA: Hindi mo kasi naiintindihan dahil hindi ikaw ang nasa puwesto! ‘Di ba nga may kasabihan tayo, “Many hands make light work.”
TPH: Pero mahal na Pangulo, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”
PNA: Hindi rin eh. Kasi nga, “Two heads are better than one.”
TPH: Ok, fine! So, whose heads will roll?
PNA: Ba’t naman napunta do’n ang usapan?
TPH: Kasi ‘yon po ang ugat ng isyu eh – ang kapalpakan sa hostage crisis. So sinong sisibakin n’yo?
PNA: Masyado ka namang atat. Siguro ‘Edcel’ ang pangalan mo!? O baka naman ‘Lagman’ ang iyong apelyido!? Hintayin muna natin ang final report ni Secretary De Lima.


TPH: Kanina po sa panel interview, you categorically stated na hindi n’yo na iniintindi kung mataas o mababa man ang trust rating o tiwala sa inyo ng publiko. Ang tanong: ‘Di nga?!?
PNA: Huh?
TPH: Ire-rephrase ko po ang tanong: noong panahon ng kampanya, halos ibandera n’yo ang resulta ng bawat survey partikular ang mataas n’yong trust rating. Pero ngayon, sabi n’yo hindi n’yo na gaanong iniintindi ang mga surveys. Sino po ang nagturo sa inyo na maging ipokrito?
PNA: Ilang minuto nga ang interview na ito?
TPH: Sige po. ‘Wag n’yo na lang sagutin.

TPH: Pangatlong isyu po. Sabi n’yo, wala ni isa man sa miyembro ng inyong gabinete ang na-appoint bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa kanilang naging ambag sa inyong kandidatura. Ang tanong: Owws?
PNA: Off the record puwede?
TPH: Sige po.
PNA: Do you really expect me to admit on live television na nagbabayad-utang ako sa ilang cabinet appointees? Konting common sense naman ‘tol. Kahit naman yata sinong presidente ang tanungin mo, hindi aamin! Pero, siyempre factor ‘yon. In all fairness though to my cabinet appointees, highly qualified silang lahat.

TPH: How will you describe Secretary Jesse Robredo in one word?
PNA: Puwedeng four?
TPH: Three!
PNA: Sige. Ramon Magsaysay Awardee.
TPH: Sobrang safe naman ng answer n’yo. In hindsight po ba, would you have appointed Vice President Binay as DILG chief instead of him?
PNA: Off the record ulit puwede?
TPH: Sure!
PNA: Matagal na panahon kong pinag-isipan ang bagay na ‘yan. Naipit ako sa dalawang nag-uumpugang bato eh. ‘Yung sinasabi mong Balay group, mapilit para kay Robredo. Siyempre, popular, awardee. Pero ‘yong kabilang kampo, nangungulit rin. So para everybody happy, nag-suggest ako: ang local government, kay Robredo; ang kapulisan, kay Puno.
TPH: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis…
PNA: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis… off the record please! Ayun! Na-obvious tuloy ang hatian ng puwesto! ‘Pag mamalasin ka nga naman, oo! Hayyy!

TPH: Pag-usapan naman natin ang inyong Little President. Ang tanong ko po mahal na Pangulo: meron ba?
PNA: What do you mean? Siyempre, meron! Andiyan lang siya. To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Tahimik na tao talaga ‘yan! Maingay lang ‘yan kapag nakakainom.
TPH: ‘Yon po sana ang gusto kong itanong. Dalawang beses na kasing lumalabas sa Newsbreak ang isyu ng pagiging lasenggo ng Executive Secretary n’yo. Ang latest, nakita raw siya sa lobby ng isang hotel na nakasalampak dahil sa kalasingan.
PNA: Nakasalampak?!? That’s absolutely baseless! To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit lasing na lasing ‘yan, maayos na umuupo ‘yan! Kaya ‘yong balitang nakasalampak siya? I seriously doubt it!
TPH: Pero inaamin n’yo pong umiinom siya?
PNA: To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kung umiinom man siya, occasionally. Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang okasyon lately. Kaya ‘yon, sunud-sunod rin siguro ang inom.

TPH: Sa inyong panel interview kanina, tinanong kayo about former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo at napansin kong tila malaki ang galit n’yo sa kanya. In fact, sinabi n’yong may “propaganda arm” si Dr. Nilo. Apparently, nasa kanya ang simpatya ng media at publiko ngayon. Ang tanong ko po: kung nananalo ang “propaganda arm” ni Prisco Nilo laban sa “propaganda arm” ng mga taong nagsulsol sa inyo upang sibakin siya, why not?
PNA: Gusto ko lang linawin okay, wala akong galit sa puny3+@*%ang$3* Prisco Nilo na yan%#%12^@@% okay? And to be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit bayaw niya ang DOST secretary, hindi siya ang nagsulsol upang palitan si Prisco Nilo! Palpak lang talaga ang forecast niya! Ni hindi nga niya na-forecast na masisibak siya sa puwesto ‘no! Basta, palpak siya! At inuulit ko: wala akong galit %#@$0)^ sa kanya%#@^9)!

TPH: Ang puso n’yo! Easy lang po mahal na Pangulo, okay? Heto na lang ang mas light na question. Kayo po ba ni Councilor Shalani Soledad ay nag-date na sa Emerald Garden Restaurant?
PNA: You make me blush.
TPH: Hahaha! Seryosong tanong po ‘yan.
PNA: Hmmm, siguro four to five times na. In fact, some of the most memorable moments namin together, nangyari sa Emerald.
TPH: But after the August 23 hostage crisis, sa tingin n’yo babalik pa kayo roon?
PNA: Oo naman!
TPH: You mean, magdi-date pa rin kayo ni Shalani sa Emerald kahit may masamang memories ng naganap na hostage?
PNA: Yeah! Because, I’m a hostage of love.
TPH: Awwwr!

TPH: Alam po ng lahat na mahusay kayo sa paghawak ng baril. Puwede ho bang malaman kung kailan kayo huling nagpaputok?
PNA: You make me blush again.
TPH: Seryoso po ‘yong tanong ko.
PNA: Hmmm, last Saturday lang.
TPH: Gaano ba kayo kadalas magpaputok?
PNA: Kada Sabado.
TPH: Enjoy ba kayo?
PNA: ‘Yon nga lang ang libangan natin eh. Siyempre, kahit papa’ano, nakakalimutan ko ang aking mga problema.

PNA: Puwede bang two to three questions na lang? Mali-late na ‘ko eh.
TPH: Sige po! Ayon sa ilang palace insiders na nakausap ni Sandra Aguinaldo ng GMA News, divided raw ang members ng Cabinet n’yo sa desisyong humarap kayo sa isang media panel. Bakit n’yo nga ba naisipan ang nasabing no holds barred interview?
PNA: Off the record… just imagine kung ang haharap sa panel ay ang tatlong spokesman ng palasyo. Sa tingin mo ba magtatagal ang aking gobyerno kapag silang tatlo ang pinagsalita ko? Six years ang termino ko, six years! Hindi 100 days!

TPH: Reaksyon lang po sa impeachment complaint against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez na ayon sa House committee on justice ay “sufficient in form and substance.”
PNA: Iginagalang ko ang separation ng kapangyarihan ng ehekutibo at lehislatibo. Trabaho nila ‘yon; may sinusunod silang proseso, hayaan natin sila. Bilang Pangulo, hindi ako dapat nakikialam. Sanga pala, kung nababasa ito ngayon ng mga miyembro ng House justice committee, I have two words for you: ‘Keep it up!’

TPH: Dumako naman po tayo sa isang maliit na bagay na posibleng ilan lamang ang nakapansin. Bago po naganap ang hostage crisis, ito po ang default pic sa inyong Facebook account…

TPH: Nang magalit ang mga Hong Kong nationals… ito naman ang inyong ginamit na default pic:

TPH: Pero nang bumisita ako kanina, ito na ulit ang aking nakita:

TPH: Pati po ba sa Facebook, may paksyon din?
PNA: Nang-aasar ka?!?
TPH: Ang ibig ko pong sabihin: ang default Facebook photo po ba ninyo ay nakabatay sa inyong mood for the week?
PNA: Alam mo, ayaw ko nang palakihin pa ang isang trivial na bagay. Besides, off the record huh… ni hindi ko nga alam ang password sa Facebook account ko, paano ko mapapalitan ang default pic? Common sense ulit ‘tol!


TPH: Maiba naman po ako, kumusta na po si Kris? Ano pong advice ang ibinibigay n’yo ngayong may pinagdaraanan sila ni James Yap?
PNA: Wala. Sa palagay ko naman, nasa tamang edad na siya para magpasya.
TPH: Pero nasa tamang pag-iisip naman po ba?
PNA: ‘Yan ang magandang tanong! Pero hayaan na natin ang aking kapatid. Ang problema niya… isang lalaki. Ang problema ko… isang bansa! Sa tingin mo, alin ang dapat kong unahin?
TPH: Kereeeek! May tama ka!


TPH: Bago po ako tuluyang magpaalam, may ‘pinapatanong lang po ang isa kong Twitter follower: Bakit daw po sina Mel Tiangco, Ted Failon, at Paolo Bediones ang nagtanong sa inyo? Bakit hindi raw po sina Maria Ressa, Jessica Soho, at Luchi Cruz-Valdez?
PNA: Pati ba naman ‘yan, gagawan n’yo pa ng intriga? That, for me is a non-issue. Kahit sino pa man ang nagtanong, que sina RG Cruz, Mark Salazar o Jove Francisco pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga, malinaw ang aking mga naging sagot at well-represented ang tatlong henerasyon ng mga mamamahayag sa panel.
TPH: Dahil d’yan, Mr. President… may nagteeeeexxxt! “I totally resent that observation! Yours truly, Tita Mel”
PNA: Hahaha! No comment na lang.

TPH: Pahabol pong tanong: malapit na po ang finals ng UAAP. Fearless forecast: Ateneo o La Salle?
PNA: ‘Tinatanong pa ba ‘yan? Siyempre, UP!
TPH: Nang-aasar po kayo?!
PNA: Huh? Bakit? ‘Di ba UAAP cheerdance ang itinatanong mo?
TPH: Basketball po.
PNA: Ahhhh, wala. Bilang Pangulo, dapat nasa gitna ako. Dapat wala akong kinikilingan at wala akong pinapanigan. Sa aking pamahalaan, bawal ang paksyon! Walang paksyon! At hinding-hindi magkakaroon ng paksyon!

(The President’s phone rings…)
PNA: Hello?
Male Voice: Sir, remind ko lang po ‘yong party sa Balay mamaya. Invited daw po kayo.
PNA: Gano’n ba? Pakisabi, mali-late ako. May salu-salo din kasi sa Samar. Naunang nag-invite ‘yon eh. Bye.

TPH: One final question, Mr. President.
PNA: Go ahead!
TPH: Boxers or briefs?
PNA: You make me blush.

End of Interview.
——————-
“A basic tenet of a healthy democracy is open dialogue and transparency.”
~Peter Fenn

Survey Says
Hindi siya kasama sa listahan ng mga opisyales na ipakukumpirma ng palasyo sa Commission on Appointments. Kung ikaw si Sec. Jesse Robredo, ano ang gagawin mo?
– Wala lang! Tuloy ang trabaho. 33.87%
– Bastusan na! I will resign. 59.91%
– Wala akong pakialam! 6.22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
UP will probably close its UAAP season with a 0-14 win-loss card on Saturday, September 10. Allow me to share the recent Facebook status of Fighting Maroon Martin Reyes:
“The game on saturday will be played with nothing but heart. It will be for God, my family, friends, teammates, coaches, classmates and most especially for the University of the Philippines. It has been one helluva ride and i would not trade MAROON for any other color…. salamat UP”

Good luck to the UP Pep Squad on Sunday! UP Fight!
2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition (Sunday, September 12): Order of Performance: UE, UST, DLSU, ADMU, FEU, UP, AdU and NU

Enjoy your weekend!

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ACTING

8 09 2010

THIS JUST IN! Regal Films’ Mother Lily Monteverde has reportedly offered to produce a movie starring Local Government chief Jesse Robredo. Monteverde made the offer after palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda confirmed that Robredo “is an acting secretary.”

President Aquino on Tuesday admits differences with acting Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo. The President revealed Robredo has a different working style, a different philosophy, and a different take on shooting as a weekend hobby.

Sought for comment on the President’s statement, Robredo said, “Well yeah, he’s different.”

According to the President, acting Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo will be evaluated, and will probably remain in office for the next two months… or even more, depending on his threshold for humiliation.


Top 5 Messages Left on Acting DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s Answering Machine

No. 5: “Hi Secretary. Suwerte ka nga eh, may another two months ka pa. Samantalang ako, wala pang anim na linggo, sinibak na! Si Dr. Prisco Nilo nga pala ‘to.”

No. 4: “Hi Jesse, si Bise Presidente ‘to. Ay sorry, wrong dial.”

No. 3: “Hi Jesse, this is Mar. Two weeks ago, you’re out of the loop. Two months from now, you’ll be out of the group. Ramdam kita.”

No. 2: “Hello, Secretary Robredo?! Si Michael Rogas po ito ng RMN. Live and exclusive po kayo ngayon sa programa namin dito sa dzXL! Kumusta na po ang lagay n’yo? Ano po ang masasabi n’yo sa balitang hindi kayo ipinapakumpirma ng palasyo? May plano ba kayong mag-resign? Tatambay po ba kayo sa Luneta para maghintay ng tourist bus? Kailangan n’yo ba ng media? Huwag po kayong aalis sa kinaroroonan ninyo! Papunta na po d’yan si kasamang Erwin Tulfo!”

And the No. 1 message left on acting DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s answering machine…

“Jesse, si ‘Noy ‘to. Ganito na lang… mag-aral ka muna ng practical shooting. Kapag mahusay ka na, txt mo ko. Mas malaki ang chance mong ma-appoint permanently sa DILG. Hi nga pala kay Usec Rico Puno!”


The IIRC Hearings
The Incident Investigation Review Committee headed by Justice Secretary Leila continued its series of hearings on the August 23 hostage incident. Questioned on Tuesday were bus driver Alberto Lubang and acting chief negotiator Michael Rogas of Radio Mindanao Network.

Bus driver Alberto Lubang insisted that he escaped the hostage taker by removing his handcuffs using a nail cutter’s nail file. Unfortunately, local probers will not be able to verify the claim because the nail file was unintentionally turned over to the Hong Kong police.


Media and the Police
After a meeting with the Presidential Communications Group, representatives of various media organizations agreed to new restrictions on covering police operations. RMN vowed not to interfere with negotiations; ABS-CBN promised to limit live coverage; MBC pledged to stay in safety zones, and GMA assured that Mel Tiangco would be more calm and composed.

Mall Heist
A security guard and an employee were hurt when a BDO branch in SM City Dasmariñas in Cavite was robbed by at least five armed men last Monday. The robbers were able to escape but Cavite police refused to take the blame saying President Aquino will assume responsibility anyway… after 11 days.

UAAP Update
The cellar-dwelling, underachieving UP Fighting Maroons will likely finish the season with a 0-14 win-loss slate… fueling speculations that the squad is composed of acting basketball players.

Overseas
Sonya Thomas of Alexandria, Virginia devoured nearly 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes to win the ninth annual National Buffalo Wing Festival in Buffalo, New York. The previous world record was held by the Philippines’ Maria Venus Raj.
———————————–
“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”
~Audre Lorde

Survey Says
Hong Kong lawmakers are asking for compensation from RP for the death of eight tourists. Your take:
– Sige, pagbigyan na para matigil na lang. 38.01%
– Sumosobra na huh! Nag-sorry na si Presidente. Tama na ‘yon! 50.76%
– Pag-iisipan ko pa. 11.23%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Wall Street Journal Online (Maria Ressa) : Noynoy Flunks His First Test
VERA Files: Palace won’t seek CA confirmation for Robredo, 2 others

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CHICKEN CROSSING (2010 Edition)

5 09 2010


Why did the chicken cross the road? Here’s why according to some prominent people in politics, government, and entertainment:

President Noynoy Aquino: “Nahaharap ang manok sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa halip na lakarin ang isa sa mga daan, ang manok ay tumawid na lamang.”

Palace Spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether the chicken crossed Times Street or Samar Street, or went straight to the Balay complex in Cubao is irrelevant. What’s important is the chicken has been doing its best for the chicks. This ‘crossing thing’ has been totally blown out of proportion by the media.”

DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo: “That’s a [traffic] police matter. My job is to focus on providing coop for the chicken.”

Communications Group Sec. Herminio Coloma: “Did the chicken cross the road? I seriously doubt it! Otherwise, the traffic enforcer would have noticed!”

Communications Group Sec. Ricky Carandang: “I confirm that the chicken crossed the road. But the traffic enforcer was not informed about it.”

Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay: “Mayor Lim ordered it to cross!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Hindi pa kasi nanananghalian. Ayun, tumawid at naghanap ng pagkain. But no, I did not order the chicken to cross the road.”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Hindi ko po alam. Nagulat nga rin ako kasi bigla na lang umesquierda!”

ABS-CBN News Head Maria Ressa: “The traffic policeman was not in control. Traffic police should lead. Chicken will follow.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Put*ng-i*a kasi! Matigas ang ulo ng tarant*dong manok na ‘yan eh. ‘Buti ‘ka n’yo at ‘di nasagaan ang hay*p na ‘yan!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Mike, nakikita mo ba ang manok d’yan sa kinaroroonan mo? [Chicken appears then crosses the road] Buhay!!! Buhay Mike ang manok! Naku! Mukhang tatawid sa kalsada Mike! Pambihira! Tumawid na nga Mike!”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa: “Sayang nga eh! ‘Di ko naabutan. Naghahanap pa naman kami ng pulutan!”

Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing: “What’s your question again? I can’t hear you! Ano?!? I said I can’t hear you. Hay naku! Tanungin mo na lang ako later sa CR. Tara, ‘don tayo. Kailangan ko pang mag-make up!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Pasensya na. Nagmamadali kasi dahil may meeting pa ng araw na ‘yon.”

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “The chicken did what is right, what is best, and so God took care of the rest (of its journey).”

Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson: “Hindi naman talaga dapat tatawid ‘yan eh. So ang duda namin, na-set up lang.”

Former Agriculture Secretary Luis “Cito” Lorenzo: “To testify.”

Nacionalista Party: “According to its psychiatric evaluation report, the chicken was depressed.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Delikado ang daan, dapat lumipad na lang siya. Anyway, sa kaso naman ng manok, flight is not an indication of guilt eh.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “We’re happy to announce that the chicken crossed the road in an honest, peaceful, and orderly manner.”

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao: “You know.”

Willie Revillame: “Mamili kayo: ako o ‘yong manok?!?”

Kris Aquino: “To file a motion for the declaration of nullity of its marriage to the cock.”

James Yap: “Lahat ng iyan ay ginagawa ng manok para sa kanyang sisiw.”

Boy Abunda: “Kung ikaw ang naturang manok at bibigyan ka ng pagkakataong magsama ng isang hayop sa pagtawid, anong hayop ang isasama mo at bakit?”

Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj: “Thank you sir for that wonderful question. You know what sir, in the chicken’s 22 weeks of existence, I can say that it has got nothing major, major, I mean, crossing-related problem because it is confident. That’s why the chicken made it to the other side. So thank you, thank you so much!”

MWSS Executives: “Is that a bonus question?”
—————————–
“Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa umano’y dalawang factions sa pamahalaang Aquino?
– Gawa-gawa lang ng media ‘yan! Hindi totoo ‘yan! 5%
– Walang problema basta’t magtutulungan para sa bayan! 18%
– Nakakasama sa pamamahala! Masamang senyales ‘yan! 77%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe and productive week!

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DILEMMA

31 08 2010


Only De Lima
Malacañang has just announced that only Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is authorized to speak about the ongoing government investigation into the August 23 hostage crisis – not the NBI, not the PNP, & definitely, not Sec. Herminio Coloma.

Reports say only Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is authorized to speak about the ongoing probe into the August 23 hostage crisis. De Lima thus becomes the government’s fourth spokesperson.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has issued a gag order to the NBI and the PNP to “avoid confusion.” I wonder when will she issue a gag order to the Presidential Communications Group.


Top 5 Signs that a Hostage Crisis Will End Badly

No. 5: You have a stubborn hostage taker but you have an even more stubborn broadcast media.

No. 4: You have a confused hostage taker but you have a crisis management team leader who’s even more confused while giving orders (and then denies ordering it).

No. 3: You have an inept SWAT team. Period.

No. 2: Your hostage taker spends more time talking not to the negotiators but with Erwin Tulfo.

And the No. 1 sign that a hostage crisis will end badly…

Your president decides to speak up… almost four hours after the crisis is over.

The Local Soco
Are you wondering how our Scene of the Crime Operatives (SOCO) worked on the crime scene a day after last week’s hostage crisis? First, they cordoned off the area. Second, they gathered evidence. And third, they posed for souvenir pictures. Pam-Facebook.

Seven cops are facing possible sanctions for posing and smiling beside the hijacked tourist bus at Quirino Grandstand last week. At least three of the seven cops have been identified. Probers are having a hard time identifying the remaining four because they’ve since deleted their Facebook accounts.

In Other News…

The website of the government-run Philippine Information Agency (PIA) was reportedly hacked over the weekend. Filipinos were shocked when they learned about the hacking but were even more shocked when they learned that PIA has a website.

Noynoy’s FB Account
Fact: President Aquino’s official Facebook Like Page has started censoring comments and wall posts.
Rumor: The person maintaining the President’s Facebook account is Manoling Morato.

Overseas…
Mount Sinabung, a volcano in Northern Sumatra, Indonesia erupted Sunday after 400 years of being dormant. And Filipinos were like, “That so reminds us of our president when he finally talked after 14 hours of monitoring the hostage drama.”

Coke Head
Party animal and B-movie Hollywood actress Paris Hilton told Las Vegas police that the cocaine found in her purse last Sunday was not hers. Reacting to the news, Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson said Hilton could have been “set up.”

Lost Voice
ABS-CBN News reported that Nora Aunor wasn’t able to sing at a concert in Australia because she lost her voice – another sad news for the Filipina “superstar” who has yet to find her lost career.
————————
“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”
~ John C. Maxwell

Survey Says…
Dahil sa kapalpakan ng PNP sa naganap na hostage crisis, dapat bang magbitiw sa tungkulin si DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo?
– DAPAT LANG! Command responsibility. 50%
– OA namang panawagan ‘yan. HINDI! 41%
– Hmmm, let me think first. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Unbecoming of the Little President

The Philippine Star (Boo Chanco): P-Noy’s leadership on the line

Philippine Daily Inquirer (John Nery): ‘Where the hell was Gabby Lopez?’

Philippine Daily Inquirer (Conrado De Quiros): Choices

Ito ang huling araw sa Buwan ng Wika. Nawa ay maging ligtas ang inyong Martes. Maligayang araw!

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MISTAKES

24 08 2010


SHOCKED, ANGERED, & DISAPPOINTED by the outcome of yesterday’s hostage crisis in Manila, Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang complained that he had been unable all Monday to reach Philippine President Noynoy Aquino. Apparently, nobody bothered to inform Tsang that last Monday, the country’s president was Isko Moreno.

Did you monitor the media’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage drama at Quirino Grandstand in Manila last Monday? Of course you did! Kung ‘yung suspek nga napanood, ikaw pa!?!

Reacting to reports that the media’s blow-by-blow coverage may have agitated the suspect, President Aquino said if the government had ordered a news blackout, it would have been accused of censoring the press. So thank you to our media-friendly government, nine people are now dead.

Quezon City Rep. Winston Castelo has asked Congress to investigate the Manila hostage crisis. The public is advised to brace for our lawmakers’ reenactment of yesterday’s events – from Quirino Grandstand to Quirino Grandstanding.

Issuing its top-level black travel alert, Hong Kong advised its residents “to avoid all travel” to the country. In another news dismissed by HK authorities as unrelated, a Hong Kong court was ordered to re-measure the weight of the cocaine confiscated from Filipino lawmaker Ronald Singson.

Former senior police inspector Rolando Mendoza hijacked a tourist bus in a desperate attempt to get his job back. The incident has prompted authorities to place under surveillance a certain Willie Revillame.

This just in!
A recent report says the most dangerous place in the world nowadays is Somalia. In close second is “inside or anywhere near a bus in the Philippines.”


CONGRATULATIONS to Maria Venus Raj of the Philippines for placing fifth among 83 candidates in the 2010 Miss Universe beauty pageant. It’s such a major, major achievement!

When pageant judge William Baldwin asked, “What is one big mistake that you did in your life, and what did you do to make it right,” Ma. Venus Raj said that “there’s no major, major problem” she has “done” in her life. She just did.


The candidate from Mexico won the Miss Universe title besting our very own, Maria Venus Raj. It was Mexico’s first major, major victory against the Philippines since Erik Morales beat Manny Pacquiao in 2005.

The projected frontrunner coming into the competition, Miss Philippines managed to finish only fifth. Both Houses of Congress are reportedly conducting an inquiry to assess her overall presentation in aid of legislation.

After the pageant, reporters tried to interview Maria Venus Raj. The interview however had to be conducted inside the restroom because Venus, who was removing her makeup, wanted to “multitask.”

Quisumbing Apologizes
Embattled Human Rights Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing has apologized for her behavior during a press conference last week. Interviewed on dzMM, Quisumbing told anchor Ted Failon, “Ako ay sobrang hiya sa sarili ko sa ginawa ko noong Friday sa media. Hindi lang paliwanag kundi apology. Very deep apology. Over ang ginawa ko. Naiintindihan mo ba ako Ted? I cannot hear you!? Do you understand?!? Ano?!? I said do you understand?!? I can’t hear you sabi eh!”

Interviewed on dzMM Teleradyo, Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing apologized to the press for her behavior during a press conference last Friday. She made the live apology while taking a shower.
——————–
“Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Good evening Las Vegas! You know what, sir, in my 22 years of existence I can say that there’s nothing major, major, I mean problem that I’ve done in my life because I’m very confident with my family, with the love that they are giving to me. So thank you so much that I’m here. Thank you, thank you so much!”
~Maria Venus Raj’s answer to William Baldwin’s question
2010 Miss Universe Q&A

LIGHT BITES
Question: Can you tell us one big mistake that you did in your life?

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “First of all thank you for that wonderful question noh? Good evening Ladiesh and Gentlemen! Magandang gabi Lubao! In my nine years ash preshident, I couldn’t think of a major, major, I mean, mishtake because I am confident, and my family loves me so much that’sh why I am here now in Congressh. Thank you Pampanga! Thank you so much!”

Local Media: “Mistake? Did you monitor last night’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage crisis seen live on TV by the suspect himself aboard the tourist bus? We refuse to consider it as a major, major mistake but… media kami eh. Powerful kami. Bakit? Kinontrol ba kami ng police last night? No! So, what mistake are you talking about?”

Former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo: “Minsan na rin akong dumanas ng maulap na kalangitan na may pag-ulan at pagkulog-pagkidlat. Malakas na hangin mula sa Office of the Executive Secretary ang umiral na nagdulot ng malalaking alon sa baybayin ng DOST. Uminit ang temperatura ng mag-bayaw kaya’t hindi na ako sinikatan ng araw bilang PAGASA chief. Ang mistake ko, minaliit ko ang impluwensya ng Little President na kaklase pa ng Pangulo. That’s all. Thank you.”

Kris Aquino: “The big mistake was Alvin Patrimonio. The bigger mistake was Joey Marquez. But the biggest mistake of them all was… ay, “is” pala kasi ‘di pa nullified ang marriage namin. Aha-ha-ha! Basta biggest siya. Siya na ‘yon! Don’t wanna mention his name na. I’ll tweet na lang. Aha-ha-ha!”

Presidential Spokesman Edwin Lacierda: “Puwede ba tigilan mo na ako? Inaamin ko naman ‘di ba? I made a mistake. I mean, mistakes. Pero pinagsisihan ko na ang mga ‘yon. Kaya nga sa NBN 4 na ang press briefing at ‘di na sa ANC ‘di ba? So, please lang. Mag-move on ka na! Napipikon na ‘ko!”
————————
“Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can’t accept your imperfections, that’s their fault.”
~ Dr. David M. Burns

Survey Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Na-set up si Ronald sa Hong Kong.” Your take:
-Posible. Ingat na lang next time. 2%
-Set up? Ulol! 50%
-Set up mo’ng mukha mo! 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Major, major “Did he really say that” statements. Asked where he was during the hostage crisis, President Aquino: “Hindi ko naman kailangang ipublicize ang ginagawa ko?” Mr. President, we didn’t demand that you publicize what you where doing. But you could have at least given us a hint that you’re on top of the situation!

On Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s unanswered call: “Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.” TELL THAT TO THE CHINESE!

On Wednesday morning, I listened to Joe Taruc’s interview with Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim. Muntik ko nang malimutanng dati nga pala siyang pulis. Mas visible kasi kesa sa kanya ang isang dating basurero noong Lunes.

Elsewhere

Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility: For journalists, what to do in a hostage situation

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Media hit for blow-by-blow coverage

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INTRODUCTIONS

22 08 2010

THIS JUST IN!
The Professional Heckler has just received a document titled “Miss Universe fever hits Malacañang.” Here’s a portion of that document.

X x x x x x x x X x x x x x x X x x x xx xx x X x x x x x x x X x x x x  x x X
Classification: Confidential
Date: August 19, 2010
Location: Unknown

President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III: Maraming salamat sa inyong pagdating. Ngayon ang ika-limampung araw ng ating pamamahala. Alam kong nagsisimula pa lamang tayong lahat. Ngunit sa tulong ng Panginoong Maykapal, magagampanan natin ang ating mga sinumpaang tungkulin. Bago natin simulan ang inihandang salu-salo, maaari bang magpakilala muna ulit tayo? Para ganahan tayong lahat, gusto ko buhay na buhay okay?!? Let’s start!

“Mula sa Bureau of Internal Revenue… ito po si Kim S. Jacinto-Henares… ang reyna ng mga kulektor ng buwis! Tax ko! Tax n’yo! Yayaman ang gobyerno sa tax ng mga ina n’yo! Thank you!”

NEXT!

“Strike 1! Strike 2! Ayoko nang ma-Strike 3! Kaya ang susunod na announcement, hindi na sa ANC! Ako po si Attorney Edwin Lacierda, tagapagsalita ng ating Pangulo: naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa palasyo!”

NEXT!

“Representing the four Abads in selfless government service, this is Julia Andrea Abad-Parker, chief of the Presidential Management Staff. I believe in the saying, ‘The family that prays together, gets appointed together!’ Mabuhay!”

NEXT!

“Isang magandang gabi sa inyong lahat! Ito po si Jejomar Cabauatan Binay Sr., ang inyong bise presidente at concurrent chairman ng Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council. Kay Binay, gaganda ang bahay!”

NEXT!

“Buenas tardes! Mi nombre es Dr. Enrique T. Ona, ang iniintrigang kalihim ng Kagawaran ng Kalusugan at dating direktor ng National Kidney Institute! Ito lang po ang masasabi ko: ‘Ding, ang bato! Ibenta mo sa ‘kin ang ‘yong bato!’”

NEXT!

“Rektikano, Rektikano, Rektikano! Rah! Seez-boom-bah! Promise, ako po ay nagbago na lalo na sa pakikitungo sa mga miyembro ng media! This is DepEd Secretary Armin Luistro! Animo!”

NEXT!

“Ako ang simula! From the Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office, I am Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang, a proud member of the KBP: Kapisanan ng mga Brodkaster ng Pilipinas! Go Ateneo!”

NEXT!

“Magandang gabi sa inyong lahat! Been there, done that, kabayong bundat! Ako nga po pala si Corazon ‘Dinky’ Soliman. Lagi po n’yong tatandaan, “Souls in the wind/ Must learn how to bend/ Seek out a star/ Hold on to the end/ Valley, mountain/ There is a fountain/ Washes our tears all away! Thank you!”

NEXT!

“I am your Truth Commission chairman Hilario Davide Jr. Ma’ayong gabi’i! Kung wala kagusto ang pamilya Estrada sa akua, labaw na ko wa ko kaangay nila. Yawâ!”

NEXT!

“Hindi na po ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa! Ako si Angelito Alvarez ng Bureau of Customs! Naniniwala po ako sa modernong kasabihan, ‘Kung hindi madaan sa hole-in-one, daanin na lang sa dayaan!’ Just call me Lito: sagot kita, sagot ko kayo, sagot ko ang padala mo!”

NEXT!

“I am Voltaire Gazmin!! Noon: PSG ni Cory; Ngayon: Defense Secretary. Loyalty is definitely the best policy!”

NEXT!

“Less talk, less mistakes. I’m Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa. Cheers!

NEXT!

“Nang ako’y alukin ng trabaho sa gobyerno, ‘di po ako agad umoo. Subalit ‘di na po ako naka-ayáw nang udyukan ako ng aking bayaw! Dr. Mario Montejo po ang aking pangalan at Science and Technology ang aking larangan! Bow!”

NEXT!

“According to a Yiddish proverb, ‘The eyes are the mirror of the soul.’ From the Professional Regulation Commission Board of Optometry, this is Dr. Vivian Sarabia na nagpapaalala, ‘Kumain ng kalabasa upang luminaw ang mata!’ Hello Boy Abunda!”

NEXT!

“Senador Ping Lacson, alam kong nagbabasa ka! Sumuko ka na! Napapaligiran kita! Ito po ang inyong kalihim ng Kagawaran ng Hustisya… hindi taga-Peru, si Leila de Limaaaa!”

NEXT!

“Before I introduce myself, I want the President and all Cabinet members to occupy only this area so I could see everyone! This is my best angle. Deal with it! Otherwise, I’m just gonna walk out of this room! Understand? (Yes!) I can’t hear you! (Yes!!) I can’t hear all of you! Ano?!? (Yes!!!!!!!!) Very good!! I am Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing of the Human Rights Commission. Got a problem with that?!?”

NEXT!

“Good evening! I am Ombudsman Merced…

President Aquino: Guards, paano nakapasok ang babaeng ito!? Palabasin n’yo ‘yan! Now na! Next!”

“Huwag kayong magulat kung bakit ako’y narito! Personal po akong inimbita ng ating pangulo! Wala man sa Cabinet o kahit sa Senado, ako pa rin ang kanyang nag-iisang alter ego! Ramdam n’yo ba ako? Ramdam ko kayo!”

X x x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X x x x x x x x x X

The CHR Commissioner
Did you hear what happened at the Commission on Human Rights office last Friday? A CHR commissioner named Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing was allegedly possessed by the spirit of an unidentified former female president of the Philippines.

Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing of the CHR went ballistic during a press conference Friday. Reporters covering the CHR are filing a torture complaint.

Last Friday, Human Rights Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing scolded some journalists for not following her instruction to position themselves in her preferred angle. The reporters had to remind Quisumbing she was in a press conference, not a magazine pictorial.

CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing scolded some journalists for not following her instructions during a press conference Friday. After the incident, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda allegedly called Quisumbing and said, “Thank you for making me look like a saint.”

Torture
Fact: Four members of the Alpha Phi Omega (APO) fraternity surrendered to authorities Friday after the death of a recruit from the University of Makati due to hazing.
Rumor: Senior Inspector Joselito Binayug, the controversial police precinct commander who reportedly tortured a suspected snatcher in Tondo, Manila is a member of APO.
———————————
“Irritability is immaturity of character. If you are subject to being cross and unpleasant with others for no apparent reason, you need to come face-to-face with the fact that you are thinking too much of yourself. After all, your feelings are not the most important things in this world.”
~Author Unknown

Survey Says
Dapat bang ipagpaliban ang barangay elections na nakatakdang isagawa sa Oktubre?
-OO! Magastos kasi! 46%
-HINDI! Kung ano ang nasa batas, sundin! 49%
-Wala akong alam sa isyu. 5%

Have a safe week ahead!

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SET UP

19 08 2010

Torture Video
ABS-CBN News aired Tuesday a footage of a suspected holdupper allegedly being tortured by Senior Insp. Joselito Binayug, a Manila police precinct commander. Of Binayug’s act, DOJ Secretary Leila De Lima said, “That’s ghastly!” Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim lamented, “That’s inhumane.” Retired Major General Jovito Palparan blurted out, “That’s my boy!”

Torture Video II
Have you seen the “torture video” shown first and exclusively by ABS-CBN News? It was so horrible, watching it repeatedly feels like watching Kris Aquino on “Pilipinas Win na Win” everyday!

Out on Bail
Moments after Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was allowed to post bail of one million Hong Kong dollars (a month after he was arrested for drug possession), his father, Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson said Ronald may have been “set up,” citing politics and business as possible motives. Set up?!? He’s 41, a congressman, and was set up? Either Chavit himself is on drugs or he is possessed. (Or both.)

New SSS President
President Aquino has appointed Emilio De Quiros Jr., brother of Inquirer columnist and rabid Noynoy supporter, Conrado De Quiros as SSS president. After signing De Quiros’ appointment papers, President Aquino explained, “His being the brother of Conrad de Quiros is not relevant to his appointment.” The President didn’t explain though the relevance of his being defensive.

Top 5 Text Messages Received By Inquirer Columnist Conrado De Quiros Following the Appointment of His Brother to the SSS

No. 5: “Hindi dapat maliitin ang iyong naging ambag sa aking tagumpay. Pangako… hindi ako magiging ganid. – Nagmamahal, ang iyong Kapatid”

No. 4: “O, masaya ka na?!? – Sincerely, Korina”

No. 3: “Let’s celebate brod. Inuman tayo! Isama mo ang iyong kapatid sa SSS. Isasama ko ang aking bayaw sa DOST. This is my new # nga pala! – Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa.”

No. 2: “So, pa’no? Love love love na tayo? – Dinky Soliman, the Hyatt 10 and the Liberal Party”

And the No. 1 text message received by Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros following the appointment of his brother to the SSS…

“Congratulations! May kapamilya ka na rin sa gobyerno. Kaya sana, tigilan mo na ang pamilya ko! – Yours truly, Butch Abad”

Light Bites: Noon at Ngayon
NOON: Kamag-anak, Incorporated
NGAYON: Kaklase, Incorporated

NOON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging doktor!
NGAYON: Paglaki ko, gusto kong maging SBMA administrator!

NOON: “Pangako, ipapamahagi namin ang lupain ng Hacienda Luisita!”
NGAYON: “Stock option na lang. Hala, pirma!”

NOON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, nakatago!
NGAYON: Ang pag-torture ng mga pulis, naka-video!

NOON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka ‘pinapatupad.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Order ng Pangulo… isinasapubliko saka pina-fine-tune.

NOON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa palasyo!
NGAYON: Ang press conference ng spokesman ng palasyo… sa ANC Studio!

NOON: Ang Executive Secretary… maingay, naghahamon ng debate.
NGAYON: Ang Executive Secretary… tahimik, naghahamon ng inuman.

NOON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; kinakain ng taumbayan!
NGAYON: Ang NFA rice, isinasaing; ‘pinapakain sa babuyan!

NOON: Ang pulitiko, tumatakbo upang maging senador.
NGAYON: Ang senador… tumatakbo.

NOON: Ang gustong maging kongresista… tumatakbo sa eleksyon.
NGAYON: Ang nahalal na kongresista… tumatakbo palabas ng sesyon.

NOON: Ang kongresista, nagco-coffee.
NGAYON: Ang kongresista, nagco-Coke. [Oops, pasensya. Na-set up nga lang pala.]

NOON: Ang House Speaker… numero unong promotor ng pamamahagi ng pork barrel.
NGAYON: Gano’n pa rin.

NOON: “No new taxes if elected” (Habang nangangampanya)
NGAYON: “Hindi ito bagong tax. Sisihin n’yo si Gloria!
—————-
“The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”
~Carl Jung

This just in!
Authorities in Orange, California nabbed 31-year-old Filipino Michael Lallana for allegedly ejaculating into an officemate’s water bottle on two separate occasions. Sought for comment, Lallana said he may have been set up because of business or ‘office politics.’

Breaking News!
Twitter now has 1.8M active ‘users’ in the Philippines. The previous record was held by Rufa Mae Quinto.

Corny Corner
Tanong: Sino ang anak ni Manuel L. Quezon?
Sino pa? Eh ‘di… ang Wikang Pambansa.
‘Di ba sabi nila si Manuel L. Quezon ang Ama ng Wikang Pambansa!
[Aarrgh! Ang corny nga!]

What’s UP?
The UP Fighting Maroons lost its ninth straight game in the UAAP cage wars. And they lost badly. Their 0-9 slate is unnerving. I appeal to Chairman Etta Rosales of the Commission on Human Rights to please intervene. This continuing massacre of the premiere State University’s basketball team is disturbing. Have mercy!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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APPOINTMENTS

15 08 2010

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV Host
Breaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Survey Says
Should ABS-CBN let go of Willie Revillame?
-YES. Hindi siya kawalan. 29%
-NO! Turuan ng leksyon. Buruhin ang career! 52%
-Wala akong pakialam! 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

Briefly Noted, Too
Lest you forget Mr. President…
[Screen cap of a news item on ABS-CBNNews.com]

Fast forward to August 2010. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: “I will defend the 12 percent VAT on toll even in Plaza Miranda no matter what it takes.” Mga TAXil!

Have a productive week ahead!





EXCLUSIVE! Noynoy Interviews Kris

10 08 2010

Ang Pangulo at si Kris Aquino:
The unpublished, unedited, and uncomfortable tell-all interview*

President Aquino (NOY): I must admit. Medyo kinakabahan pa ‘ko. First time kong gagawin ito at ikaw pa ang una kong interviewee. Bahala na.
Kris Aquino (KRIS): Ano ka ba Noy! ‘Di ba nag-usap na tayo? Nabrief ka na rin ni Boy at ni Tita Maria Montelibano, right? Even ian, the headwriter has talked to you. Kaloka ka huh! Meron ka namang set of questions ‘di ba? Go!

NOY: Wait, para saan nga ba ‘to?
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re so kulit! ‘Di ba I explained na nga kagabi? Last Sunday kasi, lumabas sa TV ang nanay ng future-ex husband ko; ‘yong bayaw mong babaero! The public sympathizes with him na raw according to my sources. I need your help. Kailangang bumalik sa ‘kin ang simpatya ng publiko.
NOY: Eh bakit ako? Bakit ‘di si Boy na lang?
KRIS: ‘Di pwede. Kakatapos lang ng interview niya sa akin sa SNN at The Buzz. Redundant na. Magsasawa ang tao.
NOY: So dapat talaga ako?!?
KRIS: Dapat lang ‘no! Remember, I donated 15 million pesos to your campaign!
NOY: Tsk… tsk… tsk. Sige na nga pero sa isang kondisyon!
KRIS: What?
NOY: Can we also talk about issues? I mean, mga usaping panlipunan o pulitika, para naman ‘di ako magmukhang showbiz lang.
KRIS: Deal! Start na tayo, bilis at naghihintay na sa akin si Bambi Fuentes. Boy, Ian ready na ba ang camera? Take na tayo! Game!

Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ikinalulugod ko pong ipakilala sa inyo ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, Kris Aquino-Yap.
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyy, ano ba? What do you mean, ipakilala??? Hello?!? I’m more famous than you ‘noh? And what’s with the Yap thing? Eeeew! Drop the Yap okay? His mom hates me na nga ‘di ba? Take 2 tayo, Boy. Gosh!
NOY: Okay! Okay! Sorry.

Take 2! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, nahaharap tayo sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Matagal pong naligaw…
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyyy!? Tapos na ang SONA my goodness! Trabaho na tayo okay? Enough of slogans and catchphrases!
NOY: Sorry, sorry. Kinakabahan lang talaga ako. Pangako… perfect ko na ‘to!

Take 3! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, iisa lang ang aking bise-presidente! Si Mar Roxas ang aking bise-presidente!
KRIS: My god! Noy! The campaign is over! Accept the fact that Mar lost the polls, hello!
NOY: Sorry ulit.

Take 4! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Puwedeng mag-yosi muna?
KRIS: Hell, no! Mali-late na ko! Tapusin na natin ‘to puwede ba?!
NOY: Sige na nga! Game.

Take 5! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, narito na po si Kris Aquino! Kris, paaaaaaasok!
KRIS: Cut!!! Noy naman! Sa ABS ‘to eere! Linya ‘yan ng newscaster sa kabila! Ano ka ba!?
NOY: Ay oo nga pala! Pasensya! Pasensya!

Take 6! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, si Kris Aquino.
KRIS: Hi Noy! Sorry, how do I address you nga pala? Bro? Mr. President? Kuya? Baka kasi sabihin nila rude ako if I just call you Noy.
NOY: No! Okay lang. Puwede na ‘yon.
KRIS: You look great by the way. Liz Uy, if you’re watching, you’re doing a great job on my brother. Thank you so much! Hello sa lahat ng Kapamilyang nanonood lalung-lalo na sa mga TFC subscribers.


NOY: Kris, hindi na ‘ko magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Noong Sunday, nagsalita ang ina ni James Yap sa kabilang himpilan.
KRIS: Really?!? Gosh. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko napanood. In fact, kung ‘di mo sinabi Noy, hindi ko malalaman! Besides, she’s not the type of person na magsasalita sa TV. I swear, napakabait at napakatahimik pong tao ng mommy ni James. That’s so sad.

NOY: Isa-isahin natin ang kanyang mga sinabi. Hindi raw talaga siya boto sa ‘yo para kay James.
KRIS: Noy, kilala mo ako. Pinalaki tayo ng ating mga magulang na may respeto sa nakakatanda sa atin. Pero kung masasakit na salita na ang ibinabato nila, siguro naman, may karapatan tayong umilag. Kung nanonood po kayo ngayon Mrs. Annie Yap: Maayos ko kayong hinarap nang bumisita ako sa Escalante City. I’m not used to spending the night in a remote village lalo na sa isang lugar na yari sa pawid at kawayan ang mga bahay. Pero tiniis ko po ‘yon dahil mahal ko ang anak n’yo. Now, kung sasabihin n’yo po na ayaw n’yo pala sa akin… magiging prangka na po ako. How sure are you na gusto ko kayo? I’m sorry Noy pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako.

NOY: Can I say something? Pasensya na po kayo Mrs. Yap. Medyo masama lang po ang…
KRIS: No! ‘Wag mo ‘kong pangunahan Noy! Magso-sorry ako kung kailangan. Next question please!

NOY: May anak na raw si James nang magpakasal kayo…
KRIS: Meron din ako! Mas malaki pa!
NOY: Oo nga noh?!? ‘Di ko naisip ‘yon ah!
KRIS: Heller! Araw-araw kayong naglalaro ng PSP, nalimutan mo na agad si Josh! Grabehhh!

NOY: Mahal mo pa ba si James?
KRIS: Mahal mo pa ba si Korina?

NOY: Sus, bakit naman ako nadamay?
KRIS: Kainis kasi ang question mo eh. I hate him! I super hate him! As in! Promise!


NOY: Moving on… sabi sa diyaryo, kayo na raw ni Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, ‘yong partner ko sa target shooting sa Antipolo tuwing weekend. Totoo ba?
KRIS: Careful Noy. Baka magalit na naman sa ‘kin sina Mar at Korina. Alam mo namang mainit sa ‘kin ang mga friends mo sa Liberal ‘di ba? Baka isipin na naman nilang Noy-Bi ang ibinoto ko. Gosh! They’re so right! Ooops, me and my big mouth. Boy, alisin na lang sa editing ‘yong sinabi ko, okay?

NOY: So ano nga? Kayo na ba ni Junjun?
KRIS: Grabeh ka naman Noy. Mag-fi-first death anniversary pa lang on August 11 ang wife niya ‘noh? Ayokong magsalita. It’s inappropriate. Close lang kami talaga. He’s really nice to me. It’s really not the right time to speak about any romance. I admit though na malapit kami ngayon sa isa’t isa at nasa kanya ang qualities na hinahanap ko sa isang guy. Mabait, caring, thoughtful, intellectual. Pero sabi ko nga Noy, it’s inappropriate to talk about us. Pero ‘yon nga, Junjun is an ideal man. Kung makikipag-date ulit ako sa isang lalaki, siya ‘yong unang-una kong idi-date. Ewan ko lang kung pareho kami ng taste sa food pero I heard he likes paella. And I do know how to cook great paella. But then again, it’s improper to talk about dates lalo pa’t magbababang-luksa pa lang sila. Ikaw Noy, okay lang ba sa ‘yo kung lumabas kami ni Junjun? Single naman siya ‘di ba? Basta, I promise to talk about him sa appropriate time. ‘Wag ngayon. Ayaw ko munang magsalita ng kahit ano. And I mean nothing! Sorry talaga. Wala akong sasabihin! Sanga pala, Cancer siya, Aquarian ako. Compatible kaya kami?


NOY: Ano naman ‘tong nabalitaan kong pati ang kaibigan kong si Chiz Escudero eh nali-link sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, that’s funny. He’s married okay? Never akong pumatol sa lalaking may sabit!

NOY: Ehem… Philip Salvador.
KRIS: I mean, sa may sabit na senador! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, hello Senator Loren!


NOY: Maiba ako. Marami kasi ang nakakapansin – parang hindi mo raw type si Shalani para sa akin?
KRIS: What?! That’s unfair. That’s preposterous. That’s ridiculous. That’s baseless! We’re friends. Wait… what’s the name of that girl again?

NOY: Shalani.
KRIS: Oh, Shahani.
NOY: No! Shalani.
KRIS: Ahh, Salami.
NOY: Nang-iinsulto ka?!?
KRIS: Namumuwersa ka?!? Eh hindi ko talaga siya like eh! Anong magagawa ko? Next question!

NOY: Seryosong usapan. Ano ang naramdaman mo nang hindi maging Senate President si Kiko Pangilinan?
KRIS: Ikaw, anong naramdaman mo?
NOY: Huh?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! You huh! Maangmaangan school of acting ka Noy! ‘Di mo naman keri! ‘Di ba nga you sought my help pa to campaign for him? O, ‘wag kang tatanggi!
NOY: Kris naman…
KRIS: Mga kababayan, pasensya na po. Hindi good liar ‘tong presidente n’yo. Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Pinapahiya mo ko…
KRIS: No! I’m just being honest. Kiko was your choice for the Senate presidency! Even Shawie asked me kung pwede ko raw tawagan sina Bong, Jinggoy at Tito Sen to vote for him. Unfortunately, nag-leak sa media. Hay naku Noy, ‘wag ka nang mag-deny! Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Change topic na nga! What do you think of my Communications Group?
KRIS: I’m not really familiar with them Noy. Sorry. Ang kilala ko lang sina Manolo Quezon at Ricky Carandang kasi nakikita ko sila sa studio ng ANC. But that was before! Ngayon, ang madalas ko nang makita sa ANC… ‘yong Edwin Lacierda! Semi-regular ba siya? Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: The Marcoses are back in Congress. Bongbong is in the Senate; Mrs. Marcos is in the Lower House. Anong masasabi mo?
KRIS: You know what Noy? Ayoko nang magsalita about them out of respect na rin sa mga taong naghalal sa kanila. Let history be the judge. Naniniwala naman ako sa karma eh. Look at one of her daughters. I won’t name names pero kapag nagsasalita siya, hindi bumubuka ang kanyang bibig. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what it is. Hindi ko siya kinaya Noy! Ang weird!!!


KRIS: Wait, before I forget. I saw your photo nga pala with your first monthly paycheck. It’s splashed all over the Internet. Gosh, what were you thinking?
NOY: Bakit? Anong masama do’n? ‘Di naman pagyayabang ‘yong ginawa ko ah.
KRIS: Hello?!!! Noy naman! Why flaunt a mere 63 thousand-peso salary!?? Nakakahiya! That amount is so unCojuangco! Basta! ‘Wag mo nang uulitin!

NOY: By the way, did you read the exclusive interview of The Professional Kegler with former President Arroyo?
KRIS: Noy… Heckler not Kegler! Hindi naman siya bowler noh! Blogger siya! Anyway no, why?
NOY: There’s a Rapid Round of questions sa interview. Ako rin, merong Rapid Round for you. I’d mention names of political and entertainment figures, give me a movie title to describe them.
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Bahala ka Noy huh! Go ako d’yan pero walang sisihan kung may masaktan. Basta ako, magiging honest lang. Go!

NOY: Let’s start with Vice President Jojo Binay…
KRIS: Hmm, “The Dark Knight.” I love you Tito Jojo!

NOY: Former First Ladies Ming Ramos, Imelda Marcos, and Loi Estrada…
KRIS: “The Good, the Bad, and the…” I’m so bad Noy! Nagmake-peace na nga tayo sa family nila ‘di ba? Pass na lang!

NOY: Sen. Manny Villar…
KRIS: “Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising.” Hello Nanay Curing!

NOY: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile…
KRIS: Jurassic Park. Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Sen. Bong Revilla…
KRIS: Ayoko! Baka magalit si Lani.
NOY: KoRni naman nito. Ano nga?
KRIS: For Bong? Hmm… SE7EN.
NOY: At sino namang nagsabi sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Noy!!!! You’re so green! SE7EN, kasi taga-kabila siya ‘noh! Gosh! Ang dirty talaga ng mind mo!

NOY:Former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo…
KRIS: Hay naku Noy! Alam mo, madaming nagalit sa ‘yo for sacking him. You and your advisers talaga! Pati PAGASA, pinupulitika n’yo!
NOY: Bawiin mo ‘yan!
KRIS: Noooo! True naman ‘di ba? ‘Yong maliliit lang ang kaya n’yong sibakin nang biglaan sa puwesto! Basta! Wala akong title for Mr. Prisco Nilo pero may title ako para sa ‘yo at sa mga advisers mo na nagsabing ifire mo siya!
NOY: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: “The Ant Bully!” At ‘di ko babawiin ‘yan!

NOY: Okay, next! Puregold owner Lucio Co…
KRIS: Noooooo! Endorser si Boy ng Puregold, Noy! Ayokong mag-comment.
NOY: C’mon. Alam mo naman ang isyu kay Mr. Lucio Co ‘di ba?
KRIS: Sige na nga! Pero Boy, walang personalan huh. Based lang ito sa mga naglalabasang reports since the time of former President Erap. Para kay Mr. Lucio Co? Hmm, “Big Fish.” Shockkks! Did I really say that? I just said “Big Fish” okay? I didn’t say na smuggler siya! Malinaw ‘yon huh. Wala akong sinabi about smuggling. Promise!

NOY: Vicki Belo…
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re putting me on the spot Noy! Endorser ako ng Belo Medical Clinic ‘noh!
NOY: Akala ko ba honest ka?
KRIS: Sige na nga. Pero Vicki, if you’re watching, nothing personal okay? Game lang ‘to. The movie to describe her???? Hmmm, “Face/Off.” I love you Vicki!

NOY: Finally, movie titles to describe Chiz Escudero and Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Seriously?
NOY: Yeah! Seriously!
KRIS: Honestly?
NOY: Of course!
KRIS: Katulad ng nasabi ko, I may not be perfect but I’m not a liar. So para kina Chiz and Junjun… physically? “The Hottie and the Nottie.” Gosh! I’m so mean. Pero promise, si Junjun ang pinaka-close sa akin ngayon! True ‘yan!
NOY: Salamat Kris.

KRIS: Wait!!! Bago matapos ang interview na ito Noy, gusto lang kitang tanungin. Tutal, past is past na naman ‘di ba? For a while kasi, nagkasama kami ni Korina sa isang morning show. Gusto ko lang malaman, what went wrong with your relationship? Sino ang nakipag-break?
NOY: Seriously?
KRIS: Yeah, seriously.
NOY: Honestly?
KRIS: Of course!
NOY: Well, ‘yan ang dapat nilang abangan sa susunod kong tell-all interview!
KRIS: You’re so madaya! Kainish! Nambitin pa! Is Korina a good kisser? Did she use her tongue? Gosh, I’ll wait for that interview!

NOY: Before we end this interview, what do you want to tell James in case he’s watching?
KRIS: I’m sure he’s not! Malamang nanonood na naman ‘yon ng Mr. Bean. Wala akong message! Besides, he won’t understand naman my Ateneo-accented English eh. It’ll just be a waste of my ptialina amylase!

NOY: Any final message?
KRIS: Noy, words won’t be enough to express my pride, gratitude, and happiness in having you as a brother. Sobrang proud kami nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky at Ate Viel sa mga na-achieve mo… although ‘di pa masyadong marami. I’m sure, Mom and Dad are equally proud of their only son. Huwag mong bibiguin ang ating mga kababayan lalung-lalo na ang mga volunteers na sumuporta sa ‘yo. [By the way, wala ka bang maibibigay na puwesto kay Juana Change? Nagkabati na ba sila ni Attorney Lacierda?] Sana magtuluy-tuloy ang iyong magandang simula hanggang sa katapusan ng iyong termino. Magbabantay ako. Magmamasid kaming lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala. Sa 2016, kapag wala na akong problema sa personal kong buhay, baka ako na ang magpatuloy sa iyong nasimulan para sa ating bayan… ‘yon ay kung makukumbinsi ko si Chiz na kunin akong runningmate. Chizzy-Krissy, cute naman ‘di ba? Aminin mo! Catchy ‘yon!

NOY: Maraming salamat din Kris. Despite your idiosyncrasies, mahal ka pa rin ng buong pamilya. At bilang kapatid mo, wala akong masabi. Wala akong maidagdag. Wala akong choice! Maraming salamat sa iyong oras and…
KRIS: Wait! After a 45-day hiatus, my Twitter account is alive again! O, ‘wag nang tumaas ang kilay! I know, nag-promise akong ‘di na magtu-Twitter. Pero ‘di ko kaya eh! So follow me on Twitter, @iamkrisaquino! Now na! Thank you Noy!

NOY: Aren’t you gonna plug “The Price Is Right?”
KRIS: No, na! Thanks. ‘Di ako masyadong proud sa programa eh! Bye!

END OF INTERVIEW.
*Exclusive to The Professional Heckler

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BAD WEATHER

7 08 2010


ALMOST A MONTH after devastating the archipelago, typhoon Basyang returned to the Philippine area of responsibility last Friday but not as strong. In fact, there’s only one reported casualty. He was identified as Prisco Nilo!

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief administrator Prisco Nilo. In sacking the weather bureau chief, Aquino said, “He should have taken seriously the fact that they were way off the mark!” Dahil diyan… may nag-teeexxt! “Dear Mr. President, Perfect ka raw!”

Some reports say PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo was fired because of “repeated mistakes” – which makes us wonder why Edwin Lacierda is still there.

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo. Critics of the president are accusing him, yet again, of favoring ABS-CBN. This, after rumors circulated that Prisco Nilo would be replaced by Kuya Kim (Atienza).

Reports say President Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo for the failure of the weather bureau to predict the track of typhoon Basyang last July. The surprising decision has alarmed some Liberal Party stalwarts who predicted that Aquino’s alter ego, Mar Roxas was on track to becoming vice president.


Bahay Pangarap
For the first time since he assumed office, President Aquino spent the night at Bahay Pangarap last Thursday. As reported by GMANews.TV, the President “had to adjust to his new room, his new bed, and even to the unfamiliar position of the light switches.” The place was really new to him. In fact, he almost blew his top Thursday night when he couldn’t locate his PSP.

http://nmgonzales.com/images/profile/neptali.jpg Shocked Solon
House Majority Leader Neptali Gonzales II was reportedly shocked by a COA report showing the ginormous paychecks, perks and bonuses enjoyed by top executives of government corporations. All along, Gonzales thought greed and excess were a monopoly of congressmen.


So Dead: Ivan Padilla
Carjack gang leader Ivan Padilla was killed in a shootout with policemen before dawn last August 2 in Makati City. He died shortly after a magical bullet took the form of human hands and strangled him to death.

Reports say the shootout between Padilla’s group and the Makati City police happened between 4 and 5 am. However, it took almost another hour before the police could rush Padilla to the hospital because ABS-CBN News’ exclusive interview wasn’t over yet.

ABS-CBN News was the first TV crew to arrive ot the scene of the shootout between Ivan Padilla and Makati City cops… prompting palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to issue a statement denying he had leaked the network advance information about the operation.

Ivan Padilla’s mother is a convicted drug trafficker who was sentenced to life in prison. Ivan himself is reportedly a drug user. To sustain his habit, he turned to carjacking. And now he’s dead. Geez, I didn’t see that coming!

In Sports…
The UP Fighting Maroons led by as much as 22 points against the NU Bulldogs Saturday only to lose by four. The Maroons thus finished Round 1 of the UAAP cage wars with a 0-7 win-loss slate… making it the frontrunner in this year’s UAAP Consistency Award.
———————–
“A hasty judgment is a first step to recantation.”
~Publilius Syrus

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayong palawigin to 12 years ang 10-year basic education sa bansa?
– SURE. Para lalong mahasa ang utak ng mga mag-aaral. 54%
– NO. Gastos ‘yan. Pahirap sa magulang. 38%
– Pag-iisipan ko muna. 8%

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EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence

4 08 2010

Breaking News: For the first time since winning a seat in the House of Representatives, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo agreed to be interviewed.

She requested though that the exclusive interview be conducted in the vernacular in celebration of the Philippine National Language Month. Here’s the rare, 45-minute conversation in full.


The Professional Heckler (TPH): Kumusta na po kayo ma’am?
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (GMA): Heto, napagod sa kakatakbo. Bigla ba naman akong sabihan na may privilege speech pala si Walden Bello, natural, kinailangan kong lumabas ng session hall. Eh nakita kong papalapit na siya sa podium, ayon kumaripas ako nang takbo. Maliliit pa naman ang aking mga hakbang kaya hiningal talaga ako!

TPH: Mabuti naman at ‘di kayo hinarang ng mga guwardiya..
GMA: Naku, imposible ‘yan! Si Mikey ang naka-duty nang lumayas ako sa Batasan.

TPH: Saan po kayo nagpunta?
GMA: Katulad nga ng nasulat mo sa iyong previous blog post, I tried to leave for Hong Kong. Eh cancelled pala ang mga flights ng PAL kaya umuwi na lang ako sa Lubao.

TPH: Last week po ay nilagdaan na ni Pangulong Noynoy Aquino ang Executive Order No. 1 creating the Truth Commission. Ano po ang masasabi n’yo?
GMA: My two spokespersons, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Congressman Edcel Lagman have repeatedly raised the issue of the EO’s constitutionality. Naniniwala ako sa kanila. It’s unconstitutional.

TPH: Ano naman pong masasabi n’yo sa Communications Group ng ating Pangulo. Inaakusahan po sila ng bias at pagli-leak ng advance info sa isang network.
GMA: Hay naku! Ayaw ko nang makialam sa isyu ng leak na ‘yan. May sarili akong leak na pinu-problema. In fact, after ng interview na ‘to, I’ll have my biennial mammogram.


TPH: Kumusta na po si Attorney Mike Arroyo?
GMA: Okay naman. Nakakapag-golf na ulit. Naghihintay lang kami ng advice ng kanyang doktor for his next check up in Hong Kong.
TPH: Kailan po ‘yon?
GMA: Depende. Depende sa schedule ng susunod na privilege speech ng aking mga kritiko.

TPH: Kung maibabalik po ang year 2004, tatawagan n’yo pa rin ba si Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano?
GMA: Sino ‘yon? May sinabi ba akong si Garcillano ang tinawagan ko? Remember: when I made that “I’m sorry speech,” never kong pinangalanan ang Comelec official na kinausap ko. Tawagin n’yo na akong corrupt, balasubas, magnanakaw, sinungaling, pandak, at kung anu-ano pang panlilibak… pero never akong nanlaglag ng ibang tao. In short, walang basehan ang iyong tanong. Let’s move on.

TPH: Kung bibigyan kayo ng pagkakataong maging pangulo ulit, tatanggapin n’yo ba?
GMA: Kung ang komposisyon ng Kongreso ay gaya pa rin ng mga nagdaang mga taon, why not? I feel safe and secure with those guys around me.


TPH: Madam Congresswoman, do you pray?
GMA: Before? Yeah.
TPH: Right now?
GMA: Lalo na!

TPH: Sabi po nila, tumakbo lang kayong kongresista dahil ayaw n’yong makasuhan…
GMA: Hindi totoo ‘yan! Tumakbo ako sa Kongreso dahil ‘di na ko puwedeng tumakbo sa pagka-pangulo.

TPH: Can you imagine yourself in jail?
GMA: Can you imagine this interview cut short?
TPH: Oh, I’m sorry for that question. Let’s just talk about the current administration. Sa tingin n’yo ba masyadong nagiging mapaghiganti ang gobyernong Aquino sa inyo?
GMA: Two words: Truth Commission. I need not elaborate.

TPH: May over-importation daw po ng NFA rice…
GMA: Hindi rin totoo ‘yan! Maraming naiiwan sa imbakan dahil hindi binibili ng mga tao ang NFA rice. It’s their fault! Gusto nila, high quality! Masyado silang choosy!

TPH: Malaki daw po ang sweldo ng mga taga-MWSS…
GMA: Mali naman ang impormasyon nila! Sa katunayan, kung iche-check n’yo ang perks ng mga executives ng ibang GOCCs at GFIs, malalaki rin ‘yon! Hindi lang MWSS. Mali ang report!

TPH: How do you find palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda? Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa kanya?
GMA: I admire the guy. Sa siyam na taon ko sa palasyo, once lang ako nag-sorry sa inyo. Si Lacierda, nakakadalawa na, kakasimula pa lang sa trabaho.

TPH: How about the issue between the Noybi supporters and the NoyMar camp? Sa palagay n’yo ba makakaapekto ito sa pamamalakad ni Pangulong Aquino sa gobyerno?
GMA: I really don’t know. Wala naman akong vice president noon kaya ‘di ako maka-relate.

TPH: Nag-uusap pa ba kayo ni Chief Justice Renato Corona?
GMA: Hindi na. Busy lagi ang phone eh. The last time I tried calling him, ang sabi, “Sorry, the number you dialed is having dinner with Peping Cojuangco. Please try your call later.”

TPH: Kumusta na po si Gibó?
GMA: Si Gibó? Hahaha. Namimiss ko ang batang ‘yan. One of the most brilliant minds in my Cabinet. Sayang. Naputol ang aming komunikasyon nang lumabas ang Villaroyo black propaganda noong kampanya. Nagtampo yata sa ‘kin. But yesterday, I heard nag-a-apply siyang piloto sa PAL. If you’re reading this, Sulong Gibó!

TPH: Once and for all, linawin po natin: sino po ang sinuportahan n’yo noong nakaraang eleksyon? Si Gibó o si Villar?
GMA: Si Vetellano Acosta! Kaya ‘wag na kayong magtaka kung bakit marami siyang botong nakuha.


TPH: Madam Congresswoman, until now, curious pa rin po ang publiko. Ano raw po ba ang pinag-usapan n’yo ni President Aquino during that 10-minute limousine ride from Malacañang to Quirino Grandstand last June 30?
GMA: Wala. Kasi, bawat traffic light na madaanan namin, inoorasan niya ang pagpapalit ng kulay. ‘Tapos, tanong siya nang tanong kung sino si Ped Xing. Tawa naman ako nang tawa. So ‘yon, ‘di namin namalayan, Luneta na pala.

TPH: Dumako na po tayo sa tinatawag nating Rapid Round. Dapat po mabilis lang ang inyong sagot. Bawal magpaliwanag. Okay?
GMA: Nakaka-nerbyosh ka naman! Sige nga.

TPH: Ma’am, lights on or lights off?
GMA: Lights off! Mahal kasi ang kuryente ng Meralco.

TPH: Artistic or Athletic?
GMA: Siyempre, golfer si Mike. Athletic!

TPH: Beauty or Brains?
GMA: I wouldn’t have lasted nine years in office kung wala akong utak. Beauty na lang.

TPH: Love or Money?
GMA: After nine years in office?!? Marami na ‘kong money! I’ll choose love siguro. Wait, pwedeng both?

TPH: ABS-CBN or GMA 7?
GMA: NBN 4, kahit ‘di nag-rate ang The Working Preshident. Pero prangkahan na… nakaka-relate ako kay Trudish Liit ng GMA 7.

TPH: This time naman, magmi-mention po ako ng names ng mga kilalang tao. Let me know kung ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip n’yo kapag nababanggit ang kanilang mga pangalan. Let’s start with… Joseph Estrada?
GMA: Hmm, whiskey.

TPH: Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
GMA: Merciful!

TPH: The Firm?
GMA: Powerful!

TPH: Hyatt 10?
GMA: Welcome back! Hahaha!

TPH: Garcillano?
GMA: Pass!

TPH: Nani Perez?
GMA: ‘Kaw talaga! You make me blush. Ahihihi

TPH: Noynoy Aquino?
GMA: Good luck!

TPH: Jojo Binay?
GMA: Lucky.

TPH: Mike Arroyo?
GMA: Plenty! Hahahaha! I’m jussssht kidding! Puwede bang off the record na ‘yon?

TPH: Ricky Carandang?
GMA: Cessh Drilon. Akala mo, ‘di ako updated huh. Hi Cessh!

TPH: Secretary Abad?
GMA: Sino sa kanila? Madami eh.

TPH: Philippine Daily Inquirer?
GMA: Shorry, Bulletin lang ang binabasha ko noon!

TPH: Conrado De Quiros?
GMA: Pass!

TPH: Ellen Tordesillas?
GMA: Lalo na ‘yan! Pass!

TPH: Kris Aquino?
GMA: Ay, totoo ba ‘yun? Sila na raw ni Junjun?

TPH: Jocjoc Bolante?
GMA: Rotarian.

TPH: Bayani Fernando?
GMA: Pedestrian.

TPH: Jamby Madrigal?
GMA: Vagitarian.

TPH: Korina Sanchez?
GMA: May katarayan!

TPH: Vicky Toh?
GMA: Huh?! Good Lord!

TPH: Lilia Pineda?
GMA: Jueteng lord!
TPH: Talaga po!?
GMA: Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Off the record ulit, please?

TPH: And finally, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?
GMA: Huh? Bakit naman ako nasama?
TPH: Request po ng readers ng blog ko.
GMA: Bakit? May readers ka ba?
TPH: Naman! I’m sure, binabasa kayo ngayon ng mga anchors at reporters ng TV5, ABS-CBN, ANC, dzMM, GMA 7 (not sure, pero sana!), GMANews.TV, dzRJ, dzME, dwRX, ABS-CBNNews.Com, Inquirer.Net, at maging ng reporters, columnists at editors ng Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, Manila Bulletin, Manila Standard Today, Manila Times, BusinessWorld, Malaya, Newsbreak, Asia Pacific Broadcasting (Singapore) mga thinking bloggers, at ng libu-libong kababayan natin here and around the world.

GMA: Yabang! Bakit? Ito bang interview na ‘to mababasa ng favorite singer kong si Ricky Martin o ng favorite comedian kong si Ricky Gervais?
TPH: Hindi ko lang po sure pero sigurado akong mababasa po ito ni Ricky Carandang, si Secretary Ricky Carandang.
GMA: O shige na nga. Ano nga ulit ang tanong?

TPH: Babaguhin ko na lang po ang tanong para espesyal: Sakaling pumanaw si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, ano po ang mababasa namin sa kanyang epitaph?
GMA: Ang morbid naman! Pero dahil sport ako at dahil exclusive ang interview na ito, pagbibigyan kita. Medyo mahaba ang isusulat ko sa aking epitaph. Ito ‘yon: HERE LIES…
TPH: Thank you Madam President!
GMA: Teka, hindi pa ako tapos!
TPH: Okay na po ‘yun! Understood na! Ano na lang po ang inyong message sa ating mga kababayan…
GMA: Sure ka puwede na ang gano’ng epitaph?
TPH: Sure na! Final answer! Message n’yo na lang po sa taumbayan…


GMA: Okay. Mga kababayan, kasaysayan na lamang po ang huhusga sa akin. Ginawa ko pong lahat ang aking makakaya bilang Pangulo ng ating bansa. Wala akong inisip kundi ang kapakanan ng maliliit na Pilipino. Sa pagtupad ko sa aking tungkulin bilang kinatawan ng lalawigan ng Pampanga, umaasa ako at mananalangin na harinawa’y umunlad hindi lamang ang aking mga nasasakupan kundi bawat isa sa inyo na nagpupursige sa buhay. Sa huli, iniiwan ko ang sa tuwina’y paalala noon ng aking ama: “Do what ish right; do what ish besht, and God will take care of the resht.”

TPH: Very well said ma’am. Pero bago ko po kayo tuluyang pakawalan, last question na lang po. Naitanong na po ito ni Mr. Boy Abunda kay Gretchen Barretto three weeks ago sa “The Buzz,” pero gusto ko pong itanong din sa inyo. Hypothetical lang po: kung sa impyerno kayo mapupunta, sino ang gusto n’yong makasama?
GMA: That’s a hard question. Pero hypothetical lang naman ‘di ba? Siguro, bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob, isasama ko lahat ng kongresistang sumuporta sa ‘kin noong time na may mga banta ng impeachment. Exciting na biyahe ‘yon. Ang dami! Teka, puwedeng magsama ng isa pa?
TPH: Kayo po ang bahala.
GMA: Si Attorney Oliver Lozano. Mahusay siyang mag-preempt eh. Malay mo, ma-preempt din niya ang pagpasok ko sa impyerno.

TPH: Thank you so much Madam Congresswoman. It’s both an honor and a pleasure to talk to you.
GMA: Thank you too, Professional Heckler. Ikaw pala ‘yon. Hayup ka! Jussht kidding. Oops, bago ko malimutan, please add me on Facebook. Just type: Facebook.Com slash ImpunityistheBestPolicy, and then click “Like” at automatic friends na tayo. Thank you.

End of Exclusive Interview
Monday, August 2, 2010
Batasang Pambansa Parking Lot

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THE NATION ACCORDING TO NOYNOY

27 07 2010


PRESIDENT BENIGNO SIMEON ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III’s first State of the Nation Address is over. Now, can anyone please tell me how to get a job at the MWSS?

Aquino’s SONA
President Aquino delivered his first State of the Nation Address Monday. It was direct to the point. Like a missile, the SONA hit its target – located somewhere in Hong Kong.

President Aquino’s first ever State of the Nation Address was short and direct. No frills, no gimmicks, no fanfare, no land reform, no economic goals, no foreign policy.

Addressing the CPP-NPA-NDF, Aquino asked: “Handa na ba kayong maglaan ng kongkretong mungkahi, sa halip na pawang batikos lamang?” – to which extreme Leftist lawmakers replied, “Kapag ganun ang nangyari, eh hindi na kami ‘yon.”

The President also said, “Habang nagpapatuloy ang barilan, patuloy din ang pagkakagapos natin sa kahirapan.” And then he vowed to quit target shooting on weekends and promised to work instead.

There was one awkward moment TV cameras failed to catch during the SONA. When President Aquino said, “Creating jobs is foremost on our agenda,” the four Abads in government chorused, “Taaama!”

The President also vowed to “strengthen the Witness Protection Program” – by establishing partnership with the La Salle Brothers.

On Monday, President Aquino let loose some bombshells. Not sure if it shocked many Filipinos but when TV cameras focused on former First Ladies Imelda Marcos and Luisa Ejercito, their faces barely moved.

President Aquino’s 35-minute State of the Nation Address was interrupted 29 times by applause… and at least 3 times by Aquino waiting for the applause.


Speaking before members of both Houses of Congress, President Aquino vowed, “Sa administrasyon po natin, walang quota-quota, walang tongpats; ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang.” The congresspersons broke into applause… with the heaviest of hearts.

A day before Aquino’s State of the Nation Address, former president and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left for Hong Kong. As they say, flight is an indication of guilt.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother, former President Arroyo did not attend the SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” – to the delight of Prof. Danton Remoto who’s been looking for an ally in Congress.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother was not there to listen to President Aquino’s SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo curtly replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” Last night, his wife Kakai Manotok-Arroyo wasn’t able to sleep well.

In other news…
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was re-elected president of the Senate. He got a total of 17 votes while his rival for the post, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano got only 3 votes. Cayetano’s votes came from Joker Arroyo, Pia Cayetano, and Sharon Cuneta.

Belmonte By A Landslide
Voted by at least 227 congressmen, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano “Sonny” Belmonte scored a landslide victory against Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman for the Speakership of the House of Representatives. Belmonte’s win was “a walk in the pork.”

A total of 258 congressmen were present when the session opened at 10 am. In the race for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Sonny Belmonte got 227 votes while Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman got 29 votes. Surprisingly, Vetellano Acosta managed to get 2 votes.

Aside from Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who was in Hong Kong, and Cagayan Representative Florencio Vargas who passed away over the weekend, two other congressmen were absent when session opened at the Lower House: Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, and Negros Occidental Rep. Julio ‘Jules’ Ledesma IV. One is a rich, alleged drug user who almost always gets away with it, and the other is Chavit’s son.
———————-
“Dapat din po nating mabatid: ito ay panahon ng sakripisyo. At ang sakripisyong ito ay magiging puhunan para sa ating kinabukasan.
~President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III (SONA 2010)

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si dating Pangulong Arroyo, dadalo ka ba sa SONA ni Pangulong Aquino?
-Why not? Karapatan ko ‘yon. 26%
-Never! Not even in my wildest wet dreams! 61%
-Pag-iisipan ko. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s first State of the Nation Address

Meet the members of the MWSS Board of Trustees

Note: The photos of the members of the Board of Trustees suddenly disappeared on Tuesday. Hoy! Akala n’yo ba kapag inalis ang mga larawan n’yo, mababago no’n ang realidad na ang kakapal ng mga mukha n’yo?!? Mga punyeta kayo! Pa-cheeseburger naman kayo! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!








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