HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISSY!

14 02 2013

THIS BLOG’S MOST read posts featured a character inspired by the presidential sister and former presidential daughter Ms. Kris Aquino. On her birthday, I am reposting some of the most commented and shared articles with “Krissy” as either the guest interviewer or the interviewee. We begin this blog with a post from last year at the height of the Corona Impeachment trial: “Slambook Series: Kris Aquino.”





You might also want to check these out (by clicking the links in blue):

1: February 7, 2013: Happy Birthday Mr. President

Note to self: ‘Krissy, shut up ka na lang, ok? Maganda ang takbo ng economy!’ Kaya Noy, ikaw na!

No Krissy… ikaw na! Hi-hi

Ayyyy, Bumu-Boy Abunda! Luvvvvvvet! Aha-ha-ha

2: November 10, 2012: Shawie vs. Krissy on “Krissy Returns”

Sandali lang po, two questions na lang. Very active ka sa Twitter and I’m sure nababasa mo rin ang controversial tweets ni Ms Sharon Cuneta.

I don’t follow her.

Oh, you don’t?

Ayokong ma-stress aha-ha-ha But I follow KC.

3: Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: Krissy at the Corona Impeachment Trial

KRISSY: Sandali, what’s your name again?

Congresswoman and House prosecution panel member Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.

I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?

Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.

Sosyaaal! Can afford.

4: May 18, 2011: Krissy/Manny: Krissy meets the People’s Champ in a ‘challenging’ interview

“Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!”

4: August 10, 2010: Noynoy Interviews Krissy

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, si Kris Aquino.
KRISSY: Hi Noy! Sorry, how do I address you nga pala? Bro? Mr. President? Kuya? Baka kasi sabihin nila rude ako if I just call you Noy.
—————————————-
“Fame is a funny thing, like a secret, both are hard to keep.”
~ Richard Peck, Secrets at Sea

mlSoundbites
“Maghanda ka. Dahil mayroon akong parliamentary immunity. Ibubulgar ko lahat ng kasalanan mo. Pati ang sexuality mo. ‘Tapos ikaw hindi ka na senador wala ka nang parliamentary immunity. Pag sumagot ka sa akin, idedemanda kita ng libel.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago to Senator Lacson

“I am sorry to disappoint the lady senator. If she’s insinuating some lunatic idea about my sexuality, let me emphasize this—I am not gay and I don’t intend to be one.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PICK-UP LINES OF FAMOUS FILIPINOS

24 12 2011

INSPIRED BY an article on College Humor’s website, here are the pick-up lines of famous Filipino men:

Apolinario Mabini: Except for my legs, lahat sa akin, tumatayo.

Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.

Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.

Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.

Juan Luna: Kapag kasama kita, mas nagiging makulay ang mundo ko.

Amado V. Hernandez: Gusto mong makita ang aking ibong mandaragit?

Mar Roxas: Magaling akong pumadyak.

Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ko ang matigas sa akin.

Fidel V. Ramos: Hmmm, maliban sa bibig ko, saan ko pa kaya pwedeng ipasok ang tabakong ‘to?

Manny Pacquiao: Tara, let’s go to the world and multiply.

Jose Ma. Sison: Blusa! Palda! Panty! Ibagsak!

Efren “Bata” Reyes: Puwede ko bang ikiskis ‘tong tako ko sa tisa mo?

Manny Villar: Basta ako, kaya ko ang double insertion!

Bro. Mike Velarde: Dila ko pa lang, matigas na.

Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?

Rene Mariano, psychic: May future tayong dalawa.

Noynoy Aquino: Alam mo, matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi napapaputok ‘tong baril ko.

Gomburza: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”

Christmas Surveys
A Social Weather Stations Survey showed that 23 percent of Filipinos prefer to receive money as gift on Christmas. Those Filipinos were later identified as “congressmen.”

Another survey revealed that only 3 in 5 Filipinos would be happy this Christmas. To illustrate, think of the Aquino family. There’s Ballsy, Pinky, and Viel. That’s three. And then there’s, Noy and Kris.

Happy Holidays! Have a safe Christmas break everyone!

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ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT

26 07 2011

SICK. Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is still confined at the St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig City where she was admitted yesterday, July 25. But a reliable source told the Professional Heckler the Pampanga representative was fine. What happened Monday was just a “hospital arrest drill.”

This just in: Physicians at the St. Luke’s Medical Center have advised Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to undergo surgery to repair her damaged cervical spine. They also advised newly-appointed Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales to be patient.

SONA 2011
President Noynoy Aquino delivered his second State of the Nation Address Monday at the SMART-Batasang Pambansa Complex.

Looking dapper and relaxed, President Aquino delivered a 53-minute speech: no drama, no frills, no fanfare, no RH Bill, no Hacienda Luisita, no Freedom of Information Bill, and no economic roadmap.

Puwede na rin.

And for once, there was no joke about his love life. Congratulations!

Defying expectations, President Aquino delivered a State of the Nation Address, not State of the Nation & Arroyo.

Still, the President lambasted the sale of used helicopters owned by the former First Family to the Philippine National Police. Monitoring the SONA at home, the Arroyos exercised ‘maximum tolerance.’

According to the President, the present administration has uncovered anomalies in the state gaming firm PAGCOR. The biggest of which was the botched attempt to convert PAGCOR into Starbucks.

Reports say the President’s speech lasted 53 minutes. Or as former PAGCOR executives would say, eternity.

In an apparent reference to the rift with the Chinese over the Spratly Islands, President Aquino said, “Ang sa Pilipinas ay sa Pilipinas!” And Harry K. Thomas was like, “That’s mah boy!”

President Aquino declared, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” In short, we, Filipinos are not afraid of you, we will not be cowed, and we will fight to the end. I hope that’s clear… Vietnam!

The President said, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” At that moment, the Chinese ambassador called Beijing and said, “Melon ba iskedyul sunod bitay drug mule? Huwak kayo bagal. Ako inip na.”

The President added, “Kapag tumapak ka sa Recto Bank, para ka na ring tumapak sa Recto Avenue.” Tama! Lalo na kapag malakas ang ulan.

In his SONA, President Aquino extended the olive branch to the bishops! Talk about saving Margie Juico’s ass!

President Aquino thanked Roman Catholic bishops and priests in his speech. Say goodbye to the RH Bill!

President Aquino also called on Filipinos “to unite for progress.” To which Filipinos replied, “Samar & Balay first.”

The President said, “If you see something right, do not think twice—praise it.” After the SONA, some people approached Sen. Gringo Honasan and praised him.

President Aquino added, “If you see a policeman directing traffic, go to him and say, ‘Thank you.’” But better be ready with a valid excuse for violating laws on jaywalking.

He also said, “Before you leave school for home, approach your teacher who chose to invest in your future—say, ‘Thank you.’” But never, ever say “No, thanks” to her ‘special tocino.’

The President also advised, “If you chance upon your local leader on a road that was once riddled with holes, but is now smooth and sturdy—go to him and say, ‘Thank you, for the change you have brought.’” But never, ever add, “Magkano ba’ng kinita nating komisyon sir?”

On Negativism
“Let us stop pulling our fellow man down.” – Sabi ni Erap: “Ako ‘yon!”
“Let us put an end to our crab mentality.” – Sabi ni Gloria: “Shino ‘yon?”
“Let us make the effort to recognize the good that is being done.” – Sabi ni Noynoy: “Ehem.”

The President promised to include in his agenda the development of PTV Channel 4. Take that IBC 13!

President Aquino vowed to develop government station PTV 4. Sorry to disappoint you Manoling Morato but there’s no truth to rumors that Dial M will be revived.

Briefly Noted: President Aquino’s speech was interrupted 48 times by guests applauding… and twice by coughing.

Reacting to the President’s State of the Nation Address, Senator Pia Cayetano said, “Nagustuhan ko sana kung mas may lalim.” Apparently, Pia missed that part where the President mentioned “West Philippine Sea.”

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri did not attend President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address… which I believe, was a wrong decision since Monday’s SONA could probably be his last as a member of the Senate.

Trivia: President Noynoy Aquino was the first Philippine president to deliver his SONA entirely in Filipino. So, to the President’s critics who insist that he has not accomplished or achieved anything at all, take that!

Word of the Week
WANG-WANG: Anything nega.
To use in sentences:
– Dahil sa kaka-wang-wang sa pera ng bayan, winangwang ng karamdaman ang dating pangulo.
– “Tara sa Pagcor, coffee tayo.” “Ayoko nga! ‘Yong perang ipinambili n’yan, winangwang mula sa pondo ng gobyerno!”
– Sa kabila ng kanyang pag-iyak sa telebisyon, marami ang naniniwalang hindi winangwang ng ilang members ng Team Azkals si Amanda Coling.
——————————————————————
“When you make speeches, you elicit expectations against which you will be held accountable.”
~Bill Bradley

Quote of the Weak
“I look like a garden!”
~Pampanga Fourth District Rep. Anna York Bondoc describing her SONA 2011 attire

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address both in Filipino and in English

SONA 2011 Fashion: Soaring or Boring?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: LeBron James’ agents asked for $600,000 to play in Manila

Stay safe! Enjoy the rest of the week!

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HOLY STORMS!

26 05 2011


Narito ang updated na talaan ng mga bagyong pumasok, papasok o kasalukuyang nasa loob ng Pilipinas:

Bagyong Mar Roxas
Inaasahang papasok sa Philippine area of responsibility sa darating na Hunyo. Nangangamba ang marami sa posibleng pagsasalubong nila ng Bagyong Jojo Ochoa. Maaari daw itong magdulot ng dobleng peligro sa bansa.

Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Tahimik lamang ang bagyong ito ngunit malalaman mong paparating na siya dahil pasuray-suray ang pagtahak niya sa kanyang dinadaanan.

Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Matapos manalanta, sinisi niya ang forecast ng PAGASA. Mali-mali daw ang facts at figures na inilalabas ng weather bureau.

Bagyong Leila De Lima
Napakatapang na bagyo. Matatalim na kidlat at kulog ang dala ngunit walang gaanong ulan kaya’t minimal ang pinsala. May isang obserbasyon nga lang ang mga kritiko ng Bagyong Leila: kung saan-saang lugar daw siya pumapasok.

Bagyong Panfilo Lacson
Kahit moderno na ang instrumento ng pamahalaan, nahirapan pa rin silang ma-detect ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, palaisipan pa rin kung sang bahagi ng mundo siya nagmula.

Bagyong Manny Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan, ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Bagyong Mommy Dionisia
Pinapayuhang mag-ingat ‘yong malaswa, ‘yong mga taong malaswaaaaa!

Bagyong Juan Ponce Enrile
Pinakamatagal sa puwesto; hindi gumagalaw. Dumaan na ang iba pang sama ng panahon, nananalasa pa rin siya.

Bagyong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Siyam na taong nanalanta sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa tuluyang nakakabangon ang bansa sa pinsalang kanyang idinulot.

Bagyong Tingting Cojuangco
Nabigla ang mga weather forecasters sa ikinilos kamakailan ng sosyal na bagyong ito. Matapos manalanta sa Central Luzon noong early 1990s, nagpaparamdam ito ngayon sa dakong Mindanao bilang isang weather disturbance. Gayunman, wala pang katiyakan kung siya ay magiging ganap na bagyo.

Bagyong Imelda Marcos
Dekada sesenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik at patuloy pa rin sa pananalasa.

Bagyong Ernesto Diokno
Matapos magdulot ng pinsala, tumanggi siyang akuin ang responsibilidad at ipinasa ito sa mas mahihinang bagyo. Sinisi rin niya ang mga nagdaang sama ng panahon. Bagamat bahagyang humina, nananatili pa rin ito sa puwesto dahil malakas daw ang kapit kay Lord.

Bagyong Antonio Leviste
Ang inisyal na forecast ay stationary lamang ito ngunit marami ang nagulat nang ma-detect siya ng ABS-CBN News Weather Bueau sa dakong Makati at Maynila. Iniimbestigahan na ang mga awtoridad sa kabiguan nilang ma-monitor ang galaw ni Bagyong Leviste.

Bagyong Manny V. Pangilinan
Mayaman sa ulan at hangin. Tuwing kumukulog at kumikidlat, nawawalan ng signal ang Globe!

Bagyong CBCP
Matagal-tagal na rin ang ginagawa nitong pananalanta sa Pilipinas. Sa tuwing magrereklamo ang mga tao sa dala niyang pinsala, nagbabanta ito ng walang tigil na pag-ulan at pagbaha upang lipulin ang “masasama.”

Bagyong Jejomar Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Bagamat matindi ang dulot na pinsala, hindi ito gaanong napapansin dahil marami din namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Matapos tumama sa Kamaynilaan, nakatutok naman ang mata ng Bagyong Binay sa mas malawak at mas matinding pananalanta sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa sa 2016.

Bagyong Noynoy Aquino
Tuwid na direksyon ang tinatahak ng bagyong ito ngunit napakabagal at may katamaran. Tanghali na kung ito ay kumilos kaya’t inaabot nang madaling araw ang pananalanta. Walang gaanong ulan ngunit malakas ang hanging bumabayo kaya’t binansagan din itong ‘tuyot na bagyo.’
—————————————————
“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”
~Author Unknown

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

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ANAK NG WEDDING!

30 04 2011


The Royal Wedding
Prince William and Kate Middleton wed at Westminster Abbey in London Friday. The wedding ceremony was calm, peaceful, and orderly. However, the mass was briefly interrupted when the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered RH bill supporters to leave the Church because “it’s useless”.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge ride in a landau to Buckingham Palace after the Royal Wedding in London Friday. The newlyweds were supposed to ride a Porsche but William feared that doing so would pull down his approval and trust ratings.

Friday’s event in London was dubbed as a fairytale wedding. You have a future king, a future queen, and of course, a wicked witch. I’m not saying who. By the way, did you notice Camilla Parker Bowles’ hat?

Observers say the William and Kate romance is a Cinderella story. In fact, if you were watching closely, you would have noticed the pumpkin during the wedding. Here’s the photo.


Why Her?
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married Friday in London. A few weeks earlier, William proposed to Kate live on Wowowee.

Asked why she chose Kate, Prince William – to the surprise of the international media answered in Filipino, “Siya yung nagpatigil sa pagka-binata ko.”

By the way, to those who are asking: there’s no truth to rumors that William is running in the next elections.

Exchange of Vows
Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged vows at Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Everyone who was invited showed up. Observers noticed though that William forgot to invite some of his… hair.

Prince William and Kate Middleton were declared man and wife at London’s Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Donald Trump – who failed to catch the ceremony on TV refused to believe that the wedding actually happened and demanded that the couple produce a marriage certificate.


This just in: London has reported a 40 percent increase in the sales of hats on wedding day alone.

The World Watched
Fascinated by Friday’s historic London event, Sen. Loren Legarda is reportedly looking forward to having her own Royal Wedding. After all, she’s a monarch… butterfly.

According to the international media, what took place on Friday morning at Westminster Abbey was the “Wedding of the Century.” Just wait ‘til our very own Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion walk down the aisle! It will be the “Wedding of the Century… tuna.”

In Miami, LeBron James was up early to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. But the Heat star reportedly got pissed and turned off the TV during the exchange of vows. He got jealous of Kate’s ring.

Aquino on William & Kate
Through his spokesman Edwin Lacierda, President Aquino said Prince William and Kate Middleton “must make adjustments so that their marriage foundation can be established.” To which, William and Kate replied:“Thank you Archbishop Oscar Cruz!” .

April 29, 2011 was a historic day indeed. In London, Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. In Manila, Merceditas Gutierrez and the Office of the Ombudsman got divorced.

OMG Resigns
On Friday, April 29, 2011, embattled Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned. She read a prepared statement at a press conference held around 2pm. Unfortunately, she refused to answer questions from journalists, and immediately left… to attend a Royal Wedding viewing party.


Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s resignation drew mixed reactions from former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s allies. House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said, “One who retreats from a good fight does not deserve to be defended or supported.” Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez stated, “Her family could not endure the pressure and I agreed that resignation was her only choice.” Senator Miguel Zubiri said, “Hmpf! I wanted to wear pa naman that magenta toga. Kainezz!”

Professor Harry Roque, one of the first to call for the impeachment of Gutierrez is hoping that her replacement “will embrace the challenge for the Ombudsman to deal with human rights violations.” He then enumerated the human rights violations committed by the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas against his client, Banco Filipino.

News of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’ resignation reached Westminster Abbey. Did you know what the wedding guests said? “Hats off!”

Birth Certificate
President Barack Obama has released his birth certificate to prove that he was born in the United States. Critics weren’t satisfied though. They want him to release an alleged psychiatric report from college to prove that he’s fit to govern.


In Washington DC, the White House has released a document that proves that President Obama was born in the United States. Meanwhile, in Manila, Malacañang will release a document that will prove that Jejomar Binay is not the president of the Philippines.

Good News
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang has “good news” on Labor Day but he won’t reveal it yet. Be patient. It would leak.


Top 5 Pieces of “Good News” to be Announced by Malacañang on Labor Day

No. 5: More court cases against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

No. 4: President Aquino is going out with a new girl… but unlike the ladies he dated recently, this one’s into him.

No. 3: To complement the Pantawid Pasada cards for drivers, the government will distribute Pantawid Kusina cards for housewives, Pantawid Dagat for fisherfolks, Pantawid Kalsada for street children, and Pantawid Aliw for prostitutes.

No. 2: Prince William and Kate Middleton have chosen the Philippines as their honeymoon destination.

And the No. 1 piece of “good news” to be announced by Malacañang on Labor Day…

President Aquino is the son of Ninoy and he’s releasing a copy of his birth certificate to prove it.


Laperal Compound
The demolition of informal settlers at the Laperal compound in Makati City turned violent Thursday. In the morning, stubborn residents clashed with the police. In the afternoon, stubborn mayor Junjun Binay clashed with DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo.

Melendez vs. Meneses
Bulacan, Bulacan Mayor Patrick Meneses has filed a libel suit against his ex-girlfriend, actress and former Quezon City councilor Aiko Melendez for allegedly spreading rumors he’s gay. Meneses then excused himself from the press saying he needs to go home to catch the latest episode of Glee.

In support of their “maligned” colleague, local executives in Bulacan have signed a resolution declaring former Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez persona non grata in the whole province. Sought for comment, Melendez says she has yet to consult a lawyer and a dictionary.
—————————————————–
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

You Have Spoken
Ano ang pinaka-tinututukan mong local all-news channel?
-AksyonTV (TV5) 4.03%
-ANC (ABS-CBN) 33.21%
-GMA News TV (GMA 7) 34.74%
-Depende sa palabas. I switch channels. 28.02%

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Have a safe weekend! Let’s go Lakers!





TOUGH LUCK

7 04 2011


SUMMER NA! Bakasyon na ang mga estudyante. Malapit na rin ang Holy Week. Dahil d’yan, maging ang mga bituing gumagabay sa mga pulitiko at taong-gobyerno ay nasa vacation mode na rin. Pero bago sila mag-break, narito muna ang kanilang payo at babala sa ilang personalidad sa lipunan.

President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag ituring na setback ang latest heartbreak. Sanayan lang ‘yan. May ibang babae para sa ‘yo. Ang problema nga lang: baka hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanila. Bahala na.

Sa kalusugan: Ayaw ka naming takutin pero ayon sa pag-aaral, ang average smoker ay umaabot lamang sa edad na 69. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sa trabaho: Paramdam ka pa nang konti. Lagi na lang si Binay eh.

Lucky Tip of the Day: Huwag hayaang makawala ang suwerte. Isara ang bibig kapag ‘di naman nagsasalita.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio

Sa pamilya: So far, so good. Lahat ng sinimulan mo sa Makati City, ipinagpapatuloy ng iyong unico ijo. And when we say lahat, we mean lahat! Tuloy ang maliligayang araw.

Sa trabaho: Umanin ka! You are so enjoying this. Ikaw na ang maging bida sa balita araw-araw! Nangangamoy 2016 na!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini

Sa kalusugan: Tataas ang blood pressure mo. Hinay-hinay lang sa pagkain ng adobo’t embotido.

Sa trabaho: Tama ang desisyon mong tanggihan ang alok ng isang giant network na mag-host ng isang cooking show. Hindi kasi ito magri-rate.

Sa pamilya: Isang teen actor ang magki-claim na ikaw ang tatay niya. Huwag maniwala sa kanya. Hindi mo siya anak. Ewan ko lang ‘yong kapatid niya.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Birth: Unknown
Sign: Delikado!

Sa pag-ibig: Itigil ang ilusyong crush ka pa rin ni Rudy Fariñas hanggang ngayon. Hindi bagay sa ‘yo ang mag-blush. Ang sagwa eh.

Sa trabaho: Ay, meron ba? May ginagawa ka? In fairness, hindi halata.

Sa kalusugan: Habang papalapit ang iyong impeachment trial, magkakaroon ka ng insomnia. Ganyan talaga kapag ayaw patulugin ng konsensya.

Lt. General Jacinto Ligot
Birth: Won’t tell
Sign: Won’t tell

Sa kalusugan: Kakapitan ka ng isang rare disease. Ito ang tinatawag na “Kris Aquino Syndrome.” Kapag ipinatawag ka ng Senado, lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay mo, mabaho man o mabango ay isisiwalat mo sa publiko. Panalo!

Sa trabaho: Hindi na kailangan. Sa laki ng nakamal mong salapi, mag-relax ka na lang. Kapal ng mukha lang ang kailangan.

Sa pag-ibig: Bantayan ang galaw ng iyong misis. Kilalanin ang kanyang dance instructor. Magsaliksik at alamin rin ang kahulugan ng terminong “cougar.”

Willie Revillame
Birth: January 27, 1961
Sign: Aquarius

Sa trabaho: Wala ka talagang kadala-dala. Bitbit mo pa rin sa Singko ang mga natutunan mo sa kabila. Magbago ka na!

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag nang umasa sa babaeng pinopormahan mo ngayon. Kahit langit at buwan pa ang iregalo mo d’yan, hindi ka niya magugustuhan. Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka niya type!

Manuel V. Pangilinan
PLDT Chairman

Birth: July 14, 1946
Sign: Cancer

Sa trabaho: Patuloy na mag-iingay ang ilang kongresista at kukuwestyunin ang acquisition ng PLDT Group sa Digitel/Sun Cellular. Well, dating gawi. Simulan mo na ang pagkukuwenta. Magkano ba sila?

Sa pag-ibig: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka. Huwag intindihin ang mga tsimoso’t tsismosa. Hindi mo kasalanan kung “can afford” ka. Inggit lang sila.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard
Birth: No records available
Sign: 1/4 Ophiucus , 3/4  Unidentifiable

Sa pagsasalita: Engaging ka. In fact, your histrionics unite people. Kapag napapanood ka nila, sama-sama at sabay-sabay silang nagmumura!

Sa pagiging ina: You’re incomparable.

Sa takbo ng pag-iisip: You’re irreparable.

AT SUMAINYO ang isa na namang edisyon ng mga hula at babala ng mga bituin. Kung nais n’yong malaman ang inyong sariling kapalaran, right click here.

German or Jewish?
The Department of Health says 90 percent of Filipino men are circumcised. The rest have partners who pretend to be happy.

Tax Evaders?
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed charges against Ang Galing Party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo and wife, Angela Montenegro for their alleged failure to remit 73.85 million pesos in taxes to the government. But Mikey’s lawyer, Ruy Rondain explains the BIR should have given his client ample time to reply. After all, it’s not that easy to produce fake receipts.
————————————–
“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”
~Barry Goldwater

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakadilaw sa larawan?
A: “Ayaaaan, ssshwak na sshwak ang bago mong pustisho! Ang saya-saya… ‘no?!”
B: “O, ‘wag kalimutan sha 2013 huh! “Arroyo sha balota… ire-elect sha Pampanga!”
C: “Hello there! You smile at me when you say hello there!”

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: It’s over for PNoy & Len

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Personal: Some readers have alerted me that they couldn’t post the article on Facebook and they repeatedly receive a notice that goes: “This message contains blocked content that has previously been flagged as abusive or spammy. Let us know if you think this is an error.”

Hindi ko po alam kung bakit. Pasensya na.





MALACAÑANG REACTS

1 04 2011

Dear Readers:
Yesterday, I received a letter from Malacañang. I must admit, I was stunned. I didn’t expect this from the palace. Should I reply? I need your advice.

Do you think this is harassment?
Should I stop writing about the President?
Should I answer this letter?
Do you know what day is today?
It’s April Fool’s Day!
Ingat!

Have a safe, healthy, and fun weekend!

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MISSING LINK

31 03 2011

IN MEMORIAM

MARCH 30, 2011 was a sad day for Filipinos here and around the globe. Three OFWs were executed in China. Yesterday, as the nation mourned for Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain, Filipinos asked, “Why did this happen?” “How do we prevent a similar thing from happening again?” And… “Where in hell is the President?”

Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain have been executed in China. As some of their relatives wept searching for justice, the rest of us wondered, searching for the President.

Asked about President Aquino’s reaction when he learned about the executions, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “He was silent.” Like, duhhhh! Tell us something we didn’t know.

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino learned about the executions, he went to the Malacañang chapel and prayed. That’s the exact reaction I was expecting from the president… of the CBCP.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has failed to save the lives of the three OFWs. If it’s any consolation, he saved the day for the President.

While in Qatar, Vice President Jejomar Binay spoke on radio and television saying, “Until the last moment, we did everything we could to save the three.” Meanwhile, in Malacañang, until the last moment, the President was in silence, praying hard.

In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, President Aquino said the execution of the three OFWs should not affect the “historic friendship” of the country with the Chinese people. The same way that China’s “historic friendship” with the Filipino people was not affected by the “execution” of eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals in Luneta last year.

Nope! There’s no truth to rumors that while the executions of the three OFWs were taking place, President Aquino was monitoring the news at Emerald Restaurant.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. said airport authorities should be stricter in screening people to stop drug trafficking. Congress first.

In other news…
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has dared Sen. Panfilo Lacson to reveal the names of his coddlers. But Lacson declined, and offered to reveal instead the secret ingredient of his mouth-watering adobo.

Marcos’ Burial
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 50 percent of Filipinos favored the burial of former President Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. You know what that means? Fifty percent of Filipinos have amnesia.

Chiz and Cristine
Rumors have it that Sen. Francis Escudero and wife Christine have separated. Sought for comment, Escudero said, “Ang asawa ko ay ang Pilipinas.”


A Philippine Entertainment Portal article claims Senator Chiz Escudero’s wife Christine was spotted at Trinoma Mall in Quezon City with dancer Jason Zamora of the Manoeuvres. Escudero has kept mum on the issue and refuses to answer the question, “Ang asawa mo ba, may B (boylet)?”


March 31st
On this day in…

1521: The first mass is celebrated at Limasawa Island in the Philippines by Father Pedro de Valderrama. But the mass was briefly interrupted when Carlos Celdran stormed the altar and held a sign that read, “Mabuhay si Lapu-Lapu!”

1596: Philosopher Rene Descartes was born. That’s what he thought, therefore he was.

1917: The United States purchases, and takes possession of the Virgin Islands. And the virginity was lost forever.

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island… in an attempt to unmask the identity of Santa Claus.

1945: Sicherheitsdienst, the intelligence agency of Nazi Germany’s Nazi Party murders 10 political prisoners in Zutphen, Netherlands. The victims were killed when they failed to pronounce Sicherheitsdienst correctly.

1949: Newfoundland becomes Canada’s 10th province. Who cares?!
————————————–
“The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

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Let’s celebrate life. Enjoy the rest of the week. Take care ‘coz PH cares.





BIRTHDAY BOY

5 02 2011


Happy Birthday!
On February 8, President Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III is turning a year older… or as his government would call it “age hike.”

This coming week, President Aquino will celebrate his 51st birthday. Rumor has it that Malacañang is preparing a carnival-themed birthday bash for him. In fact, he can’t wait to test-drive a bumper car.

President Aquino is celebrating his 51st birthday on February 8. There will be singing, dancing, and exciting games. Members of Balay and Samar groups will play tug of war.

President Aquino will turn 51 on February 8. To mark his birthday, the President will smoke 51 candles.

The President’s birth date is February 8, 1960. He was born under the sign… “Smoking Area.”

Just so you know, on February 8, both Communist leader Jose Maria Sison and President Noynoy Aquino will celebrate their birthday. So Feb. 8 will be the birthday of two prominent Filipinos: an old man who has not accomplished anything significant for the country, and Jose Maria Sison.

What do CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison and the late American actor James Dean have in common? Answer: They share the same birthday – February 8, and they’re both rebels without a cause.

President Aquino was born Feb. 8 while his sister Kris was born on Feb. 14. On Times Street, following tradition, the whole family will sing “Happy Birthday” to Noynoy first, and then, scream another “Happy Birthday” to Kris.


Chaos in Egypt
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would not seek reelection when his term expires, and vowed to step down in September. Egyptians, however refused to believe him mainly because he made the promise last Tuesday, the death anniversary of their national hero.

Despite the massive protests in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has refused to step down. Egyptians are getting frustrated. If only to force Mubarak to resign, they are willing hold protest rallies at Edsa.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he is not running again for president when his term expires in September. However, he is seeking a seat in Congress.

Mubarak’s Cabinet officially resigned last Saturday morning, but the embattled president himself continues to hold power. The resigned cabinet members then formed a group called Hyatt-Cairo 10.

As thousands of Egyptians rally for his ouster, President Hosni Mubarak decided to name a vice president, his possible replacement. But observers predict Mubarak will probably finish his term… because his chosen VP was a former newsreader.

Amid the massive street protests, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak continues to cling to power. Of course, he’d be out of office by now if his military chief were Angelo Reyes.

In Washington DC, US President Barack Obama said, “The future of Egypt will be determined by its people.” And then followed it with, “Joooooke!”

The Fugitive
The Court of Appeals has dismissed the murder charges filed against Sen. Panfilo Lacson over the twin killings of publicist Bubby Dacer and his driver in 2000. Lacson is reportedly ecstatic. He’s been waiting for this all his life. You know, an opportunity to ‘come out.’

The Court of Appeals has junked the murder charges filed against Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The appellate court said there was no probable cause to implicate Lacson in the twin murders, or as Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez would probably insist, “Mahina ang ebidensya.”

This just in: Senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement (through email) blasting the Department of Justice for saying that the CA’s dismissal of the case didn’t nullify the arrest warrant issued against him. But Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is questioning the veracity of the message because the email address used by the sender was wagkangmawawalasabirthdaypartykosafebruary8@malacañang.com.

Less Crime
Prof. Charlie Chao, a feng shui expert says there will be less incidence of crime in the country in the year of the metal rabbit… unless of course Raymond Dominguez is allowed to post bail for the 20th time.

Most Handsome
According to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV is the most handsome senator today. That was made possible partly by the non-reelection of Senator Jamby Madrigal.

If ever he’ll do a movie, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV wants to be paired with actress Gretchen Barretto. When Gretchen heard this, she laughed so hard, Botox squirted out of her face.

New Show
ABS-CBN has a new program. Replacing “Pilipinas Win na Win” starting Feb. 12 is the noontime show called “Happy, Yipee, Yehey!” a.k.a. “Wowowee: Part 3.”
————————————–
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

You Have Spoken!
Ano ang dapat maging sanction ng Kamara kay Cong. Ronald Singson?
– Censure 1.16%
– Suspension 1.39%
- Expulsion 97.45%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: The ‘Fashionista’ and his dad

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Have a great weekend! Take care ‘coz the care bears care. And I am corny. #teamlakers #beattheheat





TOY STORY

14 01 2011

IT’S FRIDAY! Another work week is almost over! And what a week for Filipinos! Gas prices have gone up. The proposed MRT and LRT fare hike has been approved. And the President has a new sports car!

New Toy
Something new is making President Aquino smile these days. For a change, it’s not a new date.


Reports say President Aquino ditched his BMW for a Porsche. And then, he felt weird. You know… he’s used to being ditched, not the other way around.

The President’s got a new toy, a 2007 model Porsche. When the new toy was delivered last December, did you know what he did first? He returned Joshua’s PSP.

Last year, President Aquino was praised for frugality when he ate hotdogs on a New York street instead of spending thousands of dollars in a restaurant. Today, he is being criticized for buying a 4.5-million peso Porsche amid reports that the number of hungry Filipinos has gone up. To appease his critics, President Aquino plans to eat hotdogs in his Porsche.

Lawmakers have different reactions when they learned that President Aquino bought a Porsche. His allies wouldn’t fault him for it. Militant lawmakers couldn’t stomach it. Senator Lito Lapid couldn’t spell it. Toingk!

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that President Aquino tried to give his new car a test drive at the Clark Freeport last December 26. He didn’t enjoy it though because every time he would start the engine, Mar Roxas would appear and say, “Besprend itabi mo. Ako na!”

Comelec Chairmanship
The battle for the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections is on. Two names are neck-and-neck in the race: Balay and Noybi.

Election lawyers Romulo Macalintal and Sixto Brillantes are being considered by President Aquino to replace outgoing Comelec chairman Jose Melo. Reports say Macalintal has the backing of the LP/Balay faction while Brillantes has the support of the NoyBi/Samar faction. But palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda said, “No factions here. No one is pushing for anyone.” As usual, maang-maangan school of acting.

President Aquino screened the leading candidates for the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections last Monday. Palace insiders say the President asked the candidates one important question: “How vast is your knowledge in election law?” A similar screening was last conducted during the administration of ex-President Arroyo. During that screening, she asked, “Will I still lead by one million?”

Deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte confirmed that election lawyers Romulo Macalintal and Sixto Brillantes were indeed in Malacañang last Monday. The President told them he was in awe of their knowledge in election law. The two lawyers returned the compliment and said they were in awe of his taste in cars.

This just in!
Senator Joker Arroyo has filed a resolution seeking to fumigate the Senate. Arroyo made the proposal after getting bitten by a “mosquito” last Wednesday.

Reacting to Senator Antonio Trillanes IV’s statement that he was the “laziest senator,” Joker Arroyo said, “Why should I be bothered by a mosquito?” Trillanes has been doing several radio and TV guestings recently. Next up: TV 5’s Face to Face.

The PAO Chief
Public Attorneys Office Chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta admitted she flunked the Career Executive Service (CES) exam she took in 2003. She obtained a failing grade of 55.95 percent. To be fair to Acosta, she got a 99+ rating in the NCEE.

Defending her failing grade in the 2003 CES exam, Attorney Persida Rueda-Acosta said, “Hindi naman kasi ako nag-review eh. Subok-subok lang ‘yun. Parang katuwaan lang ‘yun.” Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law.

Top Absentee
According to House records, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, who was charged in Hong Kong for a drug offense is the No. 1 absentee in the first six months of the 15th Congress. Following his Hong Kong arrest in July 2010, Singson has failed to attend any “session” – Congressional, or otherwise.

Overseas…

Raging floodwaters have swept across the state of Queensland in Australia similar to what happened in the Philippines during typhoon Ondoy in 2009. Experts say the last great flood in Australia happened a century ago… to which Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Yeah, I witnessed that. Horrible!”

Arizona Shooting
Jared Loughner, the 22-year-old man accused in a Tucson, Arizona shooting spree that left six people dead and a U.S. Congresswoman clinging to life initially refused to speak with authorities. But Loughner had an apparent change of mind when Tucson police told him, “If you don’t cooperate, we’ll send you to Tondo, Manila.”

In Showbiz: Mega Scene
Sharon Cuneta tripped and fell down flat on her buttocks while taping a birthday concert at the Big Dome stage last Tuesday. Cuneta’s husband, Sen. Francis Pangilinan says the megastar is now okay. He didn’t give any update though on the condition of the stage.
———————-
“Feeling good about the government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.”
~ P. J. O’Rourke

Survey Says
Sakaling magsara ang Facebook, ano ang mararamdaman mo?
– Hindi ko kayang tanggapin! ‘Yon na nga lang ang happiness ko. 17.43%
– Oks lang. May Twitter naman. ‘Tsaka remember, buhay pa si Friendster! 25.69%
– Hindi kawalan sa ‘kin ang social networking sites! 56.88%

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Have a great weekend. Ingat!





AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)

7 12 2010

BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!


MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Perfect!

Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!

IN THE NEWS NOW…

Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the 'championship ring-less' LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he's on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
– Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
– Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
– Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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Have a great week! Ingat.





NEWS/CASH

8 11 2010


STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
– Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
– Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
– Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

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LIGHT BITES SATURDAY

23 10 2010

INTERCEPTED TWEETS from very private accounts of political and entertainment figures in the Philippines (October 18-23, 2010)

noynoy_4real
can’t wait for tuesday’s state visit to vietnam. hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of hanoi
5 minutes ago via Slate iPad

jojo_ocho_ahhh
@vina @concertqueen sorry ladies, can’t go out with you no more. mainit ang media. next time na lang. palamigin muna natin.
about 2 hours ago from web

mrpalengke
RT @noynoy_4real hopes to find a hotdog vendor on the sidewalk of Hanoi — PSST! sama ulit ako. gusto ko rin ng hotdogs!
35 seconds ago via Tweet Deck

THEother_ricopuno
thank god for the long weekend. will go target shooting. i’m no longer in the news. god is really good.
45 seconds ago via Tumblr

manolingmorato
@jojo_ocho_ahhh i love your twitter handle. ocho ba talaga? :-)
about 4 hours ago via UberTwitter

direkcarlo_J
punyeta! paano ako magkakautang eh ‘di pa nga kumpleto ang bayad ng pcso sa ginawa kong series na “pangarap kong jackpot?”
2 minutes ago from web

DrPrisconilo
nakaka-miss din pala ang radio at TV interviews
43 minutes ago from Tumblr

liz_uy
nope. not going to vietnam with him. the baseless rumors are killing me. kung alam n’yo lang ang totoo. eew.
45 minutes ago from API

PAGASA
@DrPrisconilo hahahahaha!
45 minutes ago from web

noynoy_4real
@liz_uy OUCH! bahala ka.
1 hour ago via Slate iPad

jules_L
yeah men! ‘musta ka na men! masdan mo ang aking mata, ‘di mo ba nakikita, ako ngayo’y lumilipad at nasa langit na! gusto mo bang… sumama? men.
about 10 minutes ago from HootSuite

THEother_ricopuno
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” ~ Bernard Meltzer
30 minutes ago from Tweet Deck

supreme_court
we, in the high tribunal, believe that a true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
10 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

UP_Law
@supreme_court pati ba naman simpleng quotation sa twitter, plagiarized pa?
5 minutes ago

direkcarlo_J
@donna villa GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!
less than 35 seconds ago from web

supreme_court
@UP_Law nalimutan lang ‘yong attribution. OA kayo. we will cite you in contempt!
20 seconds ago

ricky_carandang
excited to check out this new resto at boni high street with @cesdrilon. sana walang media.
3 minutes ago via Slate iPad

ping!
still weighing my options. hindi ko talaga keri ang maposasan sa harap ng media.
about 2 hours ago from web

shalanisoledad
pasensya na po. next time na lang po.
2 seconds ago

green_go
@ping what options mista? u only have one at the moment: surrender! take note: DOJ sec is a woman. masamang magalit.
about 90 minutes ago from Echofon

iamkrisaquino
just finished shooting a kissing scene w/ diet. gosh, na-miss ko ‘to. it’s been, what? 10 months? hayyy.
42 minutes ago from UberTwitter

mayorLIM
pulis lang! pulis lang! ang magpapakamatay! (sinuntok ang keyboard) remember that! pulis lang!
about 1 hour ago from twitterfeed

iskomoreno
SA QUIAPO, MAY MURA MAYOR. RT @mayorLIM isko, may alam ka bang bilihan ng murang keyboard?
37 minutes ago via web

gma_in_congress
aba! bait-baitan yata si dinky kapag kaharap ako sha budget hearing. natakot shiguro. Hahaha 1 down, deles to go. weather-weather lang ‘yan.
2 days ago from web

RatedK
suuuuuper excited. hindi ko na mahintay ang january. handa na ba kayo… sa muling pamamayagpag ko?
about 5 hours ago via twitterfeed

JustJamby
oh no! i just lost tita chito’s forbes park house to my two cousins! dapat kasi nag-file ako ng appeal.
about 1 hour ago from Tweet Deck

mrpalengke
@RatedK i’m happy for you hon. araw-araw na ba uli kitang mapapanood?
2 hours ago via twitterfeed

willing_willie
this is it. salamat kay lord. tuloy na tuloy na po tayo mga kapatid. 5o’clock after e-live and startalk pero sa TV5. salamat kay MVP! @annafeliciano_choreographer ‘yong bikini ba ng mga dancers kumpleto na?
1 day ago

charo_mmk
@coryvidanes @RealGabby_Lopez huwaaat? walang TRO? pa’no na ‘yan?
20 hours ago

RealGabby_Lopez
@charo_mmk pa-draft ka ng statement kay bong osorio at lumabas ka sa ‘tv patrol’ mamaya. alam mo na ang treatment. dapat mukhang kawawa at mukhang aggrieved party tayo. will be monitoring.
21 hours ago

senator_litolapid
@senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
3 minutes ago via Tweet Deck

senator_litolapid
oo nga. mabilis nga ang message. salamat sa reply! RT @senator_litolapid new hir. testing lang muna kung darating ang tweet ko. reply ka kaagad ha.
1 minute ago via Tweet Deck

hayden_scent
may parating na typhoon katring. hmmm, i-video ko kaya?
20 hours ago

dyan_castillejo
@pacman FYI. i instructed my cameraman to record your sparring sessions. name is joseph. sunod na lang ako. paki-accommodate naman. thx. XOXO!
20 minutes ago via dlvr.it

pacman
@dyan_castillejo suri. no more cameras allow sa wild card gym. ‘tsaka pansin ni bob arum, subra na raw ang coverage mo, abala na sa training ko. ano nga pala ibig sabihin ng XOXO? soso?
13 minutes ago via ÜberTwitter
——————–
“Wala. Bakit? Ibibili mo ako?”
~TV host/actor German Moreno’s reply when actress Maxene Magalona asked, “Kuya Germs, meron kang Twitter?”

Survey Says
Sa iginawad na amnesty ni Pangulong Aquino sa mga coup plotters (Trillanes et al.):
– Dapat lang. Palayain sila! 36.81%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Parusahan ayon sa batas. 60.12%
– ‘Di ko alam ang issue. 3.07%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your long weekend!

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JUAN DAY IN YOUR LIFE

21 10 2010

THIS JUST IN!
Reports say Afghanistan and Iraq are the second and third most dangerous places for OFWs today. Topping the list is Gulf Air GF Flight 154.

Typhoon Juan: The Aftermath
President Aquino is very pleased that the government has survived the strongest typhoon to hit the world this year. Sayang! Hindi umabot sa First 100 Days!

Reports say President Aquino is very pleased with how government agencies responded to the latest disaster. Because of the government’s preparedness, risks were mitigated, loss of life was minimized, and media attention was diverted from Rico E. Puno.

In his official statement released Tuesday, the President said, “The thorough preparations of all concerned agencies are in marked contrast to the official helplessness of the past.” And Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was like, “Ako! Ako! Lagi na lang ako!”

President Aquino is pleased that the Philippines survived this latest disaster. In fact, Typhoon Juan was the second strongest storm that the country has experienced this year… next only to the Manila hostage crisis.


President Aquino has praised PAGASA for its accurate and timely forecasts. To give you an idea of how ‘timely’ PAGASA has become, Donald Tsang just called. He thanked President Aquino for PAGASA’s advance forecast for Hong Kong.

Here’s the bad news: PAGASA revealed yesterday that another cyclone is developing over the Pacific Ocean and will likely take the same path as that of typhoon Juan: tuwid na daan patungong Northern Luzon. Shoot!

Typhoon Juan has left the Philippines. The ‘super typhoon” was here for like 96 hours…. the same amount of time it takes DepEd officials, PAGASA forecasters, and news reporters to finish saying the acronym for National Disaster Risk Reduction and Management Council. [Altogether now: N-D-R-R-M-C!]

Anti-Aquino Group
Have you heard the news about this anti-Aquino group that calls itself S4? When I first heard the name, I was like, “Oh, no. Not another K-Pop group please!”

Insisting that the May 10, 2010 election was “unconstitutional” because a foreign corporation (Smartmatic) administered it, the anti-Aquino group S4 has declared all elective positions vacant. Now we know what the ‘S’ in S4 stands for. Sick.

Locating Lacson
According to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, the government’s failure to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has embarrassed her. When Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno heard this, he asked, “What’s embarrass?”

Allies of fugitive lawmaker Panfilo Lacson say the senator refuses to surrender because he hates the very idea of being in handcuffs… unless of course he’ll be allowed to bring with him his nail file.

Deles and Dimaporo
Secretary Teresita “Ging” Deles is still at odds with Lanao del Norte Rep. Fatima Aliah Dimaporo. The Presidential Adviser for the Peace Process is at war.

Caparas Charged!
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed 64 counts of tax evasion against controversial National Artist Carlo J. Caparas. When Caparas heard the news, he blurted out, “God, why me?!”


Oldest Galaxy
Astronomers claim they have found the oldest galaxy in the universe. It was also the favorite star of Senator Enrile when he was a kid.

The President’s Lovelife
Presidential Communications Group Secretary Ricky Carandang says President Aquino “can date not just once a month” because he’s single. I so agree with Ricky. In fact, if the President wants to be the next Dolphy… go ahead! As Senator Enrile would say, “Gusto ko, happy ka!”
————————
“There are two big forces at work, external and internal. We have very little control over external forces such as tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, disasters, illness and pain. What really matters is the internal force. How do I respond to those disasters? “
— Leo Buscaglia

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa “conditional cash transfer program” ng gobyerno kung saan P21.9-billion ang ipapamahagi sa pinakamahihirap na Pilipino?
– OO. Bahala na sila sa matatanggap nilang cash. 6.57%
– HINDI! Hanapbuhay ang ibigay, hindi limos. 89.04%
– Honestly, hindi ko alam ang isyu. 4.38%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
Ano ang kulang sa unang linya ng teksto ng poster na ito?

Kung isasalin sa Ingles: ‘Books are read. Not read.’
Yikes!
Oo. Gano’n ang magiging salin nito dahil hindi gumamit ng tuldik o diacritical mark na circumflex o pakupyâ ang artist.

“Ang libro ay binabasa. Hindi binabasa.”
Ang una ay malumay. Ang pangalawa ay maragsa.
Dahil wala ang angkop na tuldik [^], wala tuloy pagkakaiba ang bigkas sa dalawang salita.
Ito ang dapat nakasulat: “Ang libro ay binabasa. Hindi binabasâ.”

Sana ako ay tamà. Ha-ha.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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