A MESSAGE FROM GMA

2 12 2011


Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Matagal na panahon na rin mula nang ako ay humarap sa inyo. Ilang buwan rin akong nanahimik sa pag-aakalang kusang hihinto ang mga atake laban sa akin. Ngunit ako ay nagkamali.

Walang tigil ang kritisismo, panlilibak, at kadalasan ay personal na mga banat sa akin. Sobra na ang pang-aapi ng administrasyong ito at ako ay labis na nababahala.

Marapat lamang na aking ihayag ang tunay kong damdamin. Tapos na ang pagiging Carmina Villaroel ko. Oras na para ilabas ang aking inner KC Concepcion.

Unang-una, gusto kong kundenahin ang pangungutya ng palasyo sa aking mga abogado. Pati ang walang malay na maselang bahagi ng katawan ni Atty. Ferdinand Topacio ay kanilang pinagdiskitahan sa pagtatangkang ipahiya ako sa publiko. Bago n’yo pag-initan ang itlog ni Topacio, bakit hindi n’yo muna tanungin ang inyong amo: may silbi pa ba ang itlog mo?

Wala rin silang karapatang kwestyunin ang kakayahan ng aking tagapagsalita. Si Elena Bautista-Horn ay hindi lamang tapat, masipag, at dedicated na spokesperson. Siya rin ang tumatayong head ng ISAFP o Intelligence Service of the Arroyo Family in the Philippines. Sa katunayan, siya ang nakatuklas sa “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – ang balak na paglikida sa akin.

Ako ay naniniwalang ang maitim na hangarin ng administrasyong ito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit pilit nila akong pinapalipat sa Veterans Memorial Medical Center. Ano ako? Action star? Plunderer? Alam ng aking mga kritiko na hindi ako sanay sa mumurahing pagamutan. Sa paglalagay sa akin sa ospital na pinapatakbo ng gobyerno, unti-unti na rin nila akong pinapatay. “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – tama si Elena Horn.

Gusto ko ring manawagan sa mga taong patuloy na nagdududa sa integridad ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman. Walang basehan ang paratang na CoronArroyo. Tapos na ang eleksyon. Kumita na ang Villaroyo. Huwag n’yong pulitikahin ang Korte Suprema. Kapag hindi kayo tumigil sa inyong paninira, baka ibunyag ko ang sabwatang SereNoynoy. Binabalaan ko kayo.

Humihingi ako ng dispensa sa aking mga doctor lalo na kay Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes. Maging kayo ay binabatikos dahil sa akin gayong ginagawa n’yo lang naman ang inyong trabaho. Ayaw kong magkahiwa-hiwalay tayo kaya please lang, maliban sa colitis, humanap pa kayo ng mali sa aking katawan. Wala akong pakialam kung dermatitis, conjunctivitis, otitis o kahit, buntis pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga ay tumagal pa ang ating pagsasama dito sa St. Luke’s.

Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay humihingi ng tulong sa aking mga kababayang patuloy ang pagtitiwala sa akin. Sa darating na lingo ay magpapasya ang ubod ng bilis na si Judge Jesus Mupas kung ano ang nararapat sa akin. Napag-alaman kong may text component pala ang kanyang gagawing pagpapasya. Ang tanong:
Ano ang gusto n’yo para kay dating Pangulong Arroyo:
A: House arrest
B: Hospital arrest
C: Detention Cell
D: Wala akong pakialam. Mas interesado ako sa scripted interview kay Piolo Pascual sa ‘The Buzz’ sa darating na Linggo

Just key in ARROYO (space) A: House arrest and send to 2462 (CGMA) for all networks. Ayon sa NTC, 80 centavos na lang per text ngayon kaya kung maaari ay itodo n’yo na ang pagboto. Lahat ng taong magti-text ng “A: House arrest” ay awtomatikong kasali sa isang pre-Christmas raffle kung saan mamimigay ng MP3 at 2GB Flash Drives sina Dato, Luli, at Mikey. Si Attorney Mike naman ay naghanda rin ng loot bags mula sa kanyang na-loot noong nasa puwesto pa ako bilang pangulo. Kaya ano pang hinihintay n’yo? Text na!

Sa huli, gusto kong magparating ng maigsi at simpleng mensahe sa nakaupong pangulo at sa mapaghiganteng administrasyong ito:
Walang corrupt?!
Walang mahirap?!
O walang accomplishments?

Manyampukaki ing lugod mi kekayu!

Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat at nawa’y lagi n’yong tatandaan ang pangaral ng aking ama, si Ka Dadong:
“Just do what ish right, do what ish best, and your battery of lawyersh will take care of the rest.”

Naglilingkod,

———————————————————————————-

“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”
~World Health Organization, 1948

Have a great weekend! Merry Christmas!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ITO ANG SIMULA

29 06 2010


President Noynoy Aquino’s Inaugural Speech:
Top 15 Rejected Opening Lines

No. 15: “I’d like to acknowledge the presence of my brother-in-law, James Yap. ‘Tol, kaya mo ‘yan!”

No. 14: “Now, for the most awaited part of my speech… drum roll please. And the DILG portfolio goes to…”

No. 13: “To all the girls I’ve loved before, ‘kala n’yo huh! Eat your hearts out!”

No. 12: “(Pssst! James! James! ‘Yun o! Third row, second from left. ‘Yung naka-sleeveless na yellow at white mini-skirt. Sexy! Kunin mo naman ‘yung number.)”

No. 11: “Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party? Gusto n’yo ba?! Wala akong marinig! Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party?!”

No. 10: “Hindi po totoong break na kami ni Shalani. Sa katunayan, nandito po siya ngayon. Ayun o! I love you Cupcake!”

No. 9: “Katulad po ng aking naipangako noong kampanya, pag-iisahin ko ang ating bayan. At bilang simula sa pagtupad sa pangakong ‘yan…. please welcome on stage, Sen. Manny Villar to draw the names of five lucky guests who shall win a house and lot each!”

No. 8: “I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify some things about the status of my lovelife. But first, thank you Kuya Noy for allowing me to speak here. You’re so bait talaga, promise.”

No. 7: “Opo, handang-handa na akong palaguin ang kita ng ating pamahalaan. Kayo po? Handa na ba kayo sa 15 percent na E-VAT?”

No. 6: “I’d like to thank Paul Cabral for my outfit and Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make up.”

No. 5: “Kasi naman eh! Bakit ‘di n’yo agad sinabing ‘No Smoking’ area ‘to?!?”

No. 4: “Everyone, your attention please! See that person beside Mar? Let me say this again. I did NOThave sexual relations with that woman!”

No. 3: “Mga kababayan… gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina Kris at James?”

No. 2: “Let’s have a roll call first. Hyatt 10? (Present!) The Firm? (Here!) Kamag-anak Incorporated? (Nandito! Kumpleto ulit!)”

And the No. 1 rejected opening line of Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech…

“Hello mic test, mic test?! Para sa ikakapanatag ng loob nating lahat: Team Roxas, please occupy the left side of the field. Team Binay, go to the right side. Thank you!”
———————————–
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman


Light Bites
Have you seen the Noynoy Aquino inauguration souvenir miniature dolls? I just heard the wife of a losing VP candidate has bought a dozen… plus a set of needles.

Survey Says…
If you were Chief Justice Renato Corona, would you attend Noynoy’s inauguration?
SURE, why not? 42%
NO, thanks. 47%
Let me think about it. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Catch Usapang De Campanilla with Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla on dzMM, nightly@8.





THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY

17 06 2010


THE ARROYOS have reportedly left Malacañang. In fact, according to reports, the First Family has been cleaning out their closets in the palace for more than two months now. And they’d probably need another month or two to finish… considering the huge number of skeletons they keep in there.

The Arroyo family has reportedly left Malacañang last Sunday. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “We are happy to leave Malacañang,” to which Malacañang replied, “The feeling is mutual.”


Top 12 Messages Left on the Arroyos’ Answering Machine in Malacañang

No. 12: “Hello ma’am? Si Garci po ito ma’am. Hihiram po sana ako ng konting halaga bago kayo bumaba sa puwesto. Matumal ang kita noong eleksyon eh. Alam n’yo na, automated.”

No. 11: “Eow powhzzzz! PAn6UL0n6 ÅrrÕyØ. mÃrÅm1nG $ÅLÅmÅ+ ph0w Å+ g1nÅwÅ n1ny0nG h0L1DÅy Ång jUnE 3Ø. mÅk~k~+ambÅy nà ÑÅmÅn kÅmi $a MaLL! +HÅnk U’ pfoWh üL3+. Lolz!”

No. 10: “Sir, Ma’am… si Udong Mahusay po ito. ‘Paalala ko lang po ang lifetime allowance na ‘pinangako n’yo sa kin ni Sir Mike Defensor noong 2003. Bigla po niyang inihinto after ng eleksyon eh.”

No. 9: “Dad, Mom… Luli here. Whatever happens, always remember that you’re the best parents in the world. Lalo na ikaw Dad. I love you mom, love you dad. Wait lang, hold on… ‘Mang Gusting, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa inyo na ayaw na ayaw kong nali-late ang driver!? Usted está despedido! Humanap na lang kayo ng ibang amo! Ora mismo!’”

No. 8: “Hellowww… mga maids? ‘Musta na kayo mga friendship? Todo na ‘to! As in todo na to the highest level! Wala ba jan si Sir Mikey n’yo? Grabe huh! ‘Di na naman niya ako sinipot sa Lubao kagabi. Ang linaw-linaw ng usapan! Heller! Nag-cancel nga ako ng taping para sa kanya ‘tapos mang-iindyan lang pala??? Okay lang siya?? Pakisabi mag-return call siya, okay? Kailangan ko ng pang-shopping! Pasensya na! Go go go!”

No. 7: “Ni hao! Mike, alam ko d’yan ka pa palasyo. Si Mrs. Toh. ‘Wag ka bobo! Hindi ako Gloria. Si Mrs. Toh! Ikaw ‘wag na tago sa akyen. Matagal na kita hanap. Wala pa closure atyen breakup. Ikaw tawag akyen agad. Wo xiangnian ni.”

No. 6: “Hi ma’am. This is your favorite student in Ateneo, Joey Salceda. My unsolicited advice is for you to accept the harsh reality: Life’s a bitch. And so are you. Charing! Just kidding. Babush!”

No. 5: “Hi ma’am. This is Chiz Escudero, inaanak n’yo sa kasal. Sa inyong paglisan, nais ko lang ipaalala, at sana’y inyong tatandaan: ang masamang hangarin, kailanman ay hindi magtatagumpay. Ang pag-unlad ng bansa ay hindi nasusukat sa dami ng naipagawang tulay o naipatayong gusali kundi sa kaledad ng buhay ng bawat Pilipinong malinaw na binigo ng inyong administrasyon. Marami pa rin ang kumakalam ang sikmura. Marami pa rin ang walang hanapbuhay. Marami pa rin ang nakatira sa ilalim ng mga tulay at mababahong estero. Marami pa rin ang tila sabik sa pagbabagong dapat sana ay… (Beep!) [You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again.]

No. 4: “Hello! Si Mar ulit ‘to. This is my fourth call and you still refuse to answer! C’mon hon, let’s be sport, okay? Whether you like it or not, we will attend Noynoy’s inauguration together. Hon? Talk to me. Are you ther… Put*ng-i*aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mali ang nai-dial ko!”

No. 3: “Hilluw? Is this the palas pown? Sa palasyu ba ‘tung numirung itu? Ah basta, itu lang ang miseyds ku. Unang-una, pasalamat aku sa Panginuun sa mga blissings sa kin. Pangalawa, pasalamat aku sa ating prisidinti sa walang-sawang pag-supurta sa mga laban ku. Kahit papanu, mami-miss ko kayu mahal na pangulu at Pirst Jintilman Husi Migil Arruyu. Hanggang ditu na lamang pu ang aking minsahi at aaminin ku pu sa inyu… ‘di pa rin pu aku makapaniwala na aku at ikaw, mahal na pangulu ay magka-livil na ngayun sa Kungrisu! You know…”

No. 2: “Hello Mrs. President. Paalis ka pa lang, pabalik na kami! C’est la vie! Kami nga pala ang mga miyembro ng Hyatt 10 at The Firm. Ang saya-saya ulit, noh?”

And the No.1 message left on the Arroyos’ answering machine in Malacañang…

“Hello… Inday? Shi ma’am mo ito. Pumashok ka nga sha dati kong kuwarto at paki-check kung do’n ko naiwan ang shilicone para sha aking kaliwang shuso. Thankxssh!”

FG’s Book
Last Tuesday, outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched his book titled “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. Go get a copy now. When you enter Powerbooks, it’s located near the section with a big sign that says, “People who bought this book also bought Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

Outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched a coffee table book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. The book has 10 chapters. One chapter was devoted to Mr. Arroyo’s answers to allegations of graft and corruption; the rest were devoted to the allegations of graft and corruption.

Mike Arroyo launched a book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. But I heard it’s selling poorly. The publisher attributes the poor sales to the opening line of the book. It says, “Back off.”
—————————-
“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”
~Ian Percy

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang italagang kalihim ng Department of Interior and Local Government si Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay?
OO naman. Alam na niya ang trabaho d’yan! 25.6%
NOPE! Scary! Be afraid. Be very afraid. 66.8%
Hmmm, ewan. 7.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

The Who
TV show recently asked Aspen Oak: Are you ready to entertain suitors now? Aspen Oak’s answer was a categorical “No.” Unknown to the public though, Aspen Oak has been in a steady relationship with Sunflower Zinnia. The not-so-surprising twist? They’re both women – and moms. Aspen Oak used to be “friends” with has-been actress, Aster Anthurium. Sino sila? Itanong n’yo na lang sa halimaw sa banga!

Personal
Because we’re in it to win it.
Because we never doubted our team.
Because we, the loyal Los Angeles Lakers fans will always…
.

Go Lakers!

Elsewhere…
Did PDI columnist Belinda Olivarezs-Cunanan resign or was she fired?





CONVERSATIONS

13 06 2010


US President Barack Obama phoned President-elect Noynoy Aquino on Wednesday night to congratulate him. The telephone call lasted 20 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation between the two leaders who both vowed to strengthen bilateral ties. Obama excitedly inquired about Manila; Aquino enthusiastically asked about Virginia… tobacco.

During their 20-minute conversation, President-elect Noynoy Aquino and US President Barack Obama talked about their common habit: cigarette smoking. Obama vows to offer Noynoy advice on quitting smoking if Noynoy promises to give him tips on computer gaming.

World leaders continue to convey their congratulatory messages to President-elect Noynoy Aquino. Also on Wednesday night, Aquino got a call from Chinese President Hu Jintao… who informed him that China has just successfully tapped his conversation with Obama.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino received a call from South Korean President Lee Myung-bak too. President Lee thanked Aquino in advance for allowing half of the South Korean population to stay in the Philippines.

On Wednesday, President-elect Noynoy Aquino got a congratulatory call from US President Obama. Not to be outdone, Mar Roxas received a call that same night… from Sarah Palin.


GMA Calls Noynoy
Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo congratulated President-elect Noynoy Aquino over the phone last Wednesday. Noynoy himself revealed that the call lasted only three minutes. Of course, that phone conversation could have been longer… if President Arroyo was a smoker.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino said he also got a call from outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo Wednesday night. A staunch critic of the administration, Noynoy admitted that he kinda felt “awkward” during the conversation… especially when Mrs. Arroyo started asking, “What are you wearing?”

Jose Maria Sison’s Allegation
From the Netherlands, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison accused Pinky Aquino-Abellada, sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, of conspiring with outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and the US Central Intelligence Agency to “preprogram” the May 10 automated election system in favor of Noynoy. In another news dismissed as totally unrelated by local Communist leaders, the University of the Philippines Department of Psychology will release Jose Maria Sison’s psychiatric evaluation report.

Noynoy & Shalani
Apparently irked by questions on his girlfriend and their wedding plans, President-elect Noynoy Aquino told the press that he would have to consult Madam Auring on the matter. Shocked by Noynoy’s statement, Shalani Soledad blurted out, “Madam Auring na ngayon ang name ni Kris Aquino?!?”

Stars In Government
Unconfirmed reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino plans to appoint film producer Lily Monteverde as Optical Media Board chair; young actor Dingdong Dantes as head of the National Youth Commission, and Mary Grace Poe-Llamanzares as MTRCB chairman. Earlier this week, Aquino has announced the appointment of Madam Auring as presidential adviser on marital affairs.


Revolving First Ladies?
If President-elect Noynoy Aquino requests it, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz says she and sisters Viel, Pinky, and Kris will take turns in playing the role of First Lady. Meanwhile, Dr. Elenita Binay has reportedly rejected Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay’s request to have revolving Second Ladies.
——————–
“Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.”
~Isaac Goldberg

Survey Says
Should Mar Roxas file an electoral protest?
Oo naman. Malay natin, mabaligtad ang resulta. 26%
‘Wag na. Si Binay naman talaga ang nanalo. 53%
Wala akong pakialam. 21%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Lack of ‘meddling’ First Lady a plus for Noynoy —analysts

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer drops Cunanan

Enjoy your long weekend!





DIPLOMACY

23 05 2010


Noy and the US Envoy
US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. paid a visit to president-apparent Noynoy Aquino on Times Street, Quezon City last Friday. After the visit, both the Liberal Party and the US Embassy denied rumors that Thomas made a pitch for Jejomar Binay.

The meeting between US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. and president-apparent Noynoy Aquino last Friday reportedly lasted one and a half hours. A broad range of issues was discussed during the visit. Thomas talked about current state relations and terrorism for the first half hour, while Noynoy talked about video games for the next hour.


US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr. paid a courtesy call on president apparent-Noynoy Aquino last Friday on Times Street. Thomas promised three things during his visit: one, that the US would respect the outcome of the elections; two, that America would work closely with Aquino on priority issues, and three, that he, as US envoy would never appear on Wowowee as often as his predecessor did.

Sen. Mar Roxas was also present during US Ambassador Harry K. Thomas Jr’s visit to Times Street. Roxas took advantage of the opportunity to meet Thomas before he takes a one-year break from government and politics.

GMA’s “Tuko”
Heard about President Arroyo’s speech at the Lions Club convention last Friday? In her talk, the president revealed, “In my son’s home, and in my home in Lubao, Pampanga, we don’t use chemical pest control for mosquitoes and cockroaches. We use a gecko.” Now that explains why Malacañang has been free from cockroaches and mosquitoes for nine years now.

With the likes of Dato, Mikey, Iggy, and Mike Arroyo around her, it’s no longer surprising why President Arroyo knows so much about pest management.

DOH and Smoking
The Department of Health will issue an administrative order requiring cigarette manufacturers to place graphic warnings in their products to discourage the public from smoking. Reacting to the order, cigar manufacturers have started reproducing cigar packages showing a photo of Noynoy Aquino.

Kris and TIME
Noynoy and the Aquino family are on the pages of TIME Asia again. His sister Kris was described as “The Filipina Oprah.” Sure. A black host and a black sheep.

Kris Files LOA
Kris Aquino has announced her decision to leave ABS-CBN’s two showbiz-oriented talk shows: ‘The Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ while her brother is in office. To sustain the two shows’ good ratings while she’s gone, Kris will be replaced by Robin Padilla.

A Passport, Finally!
Dethroned Bb. Pilipinas-Universe 2010 Maria Venus Raj finally gets a passport – a condition set by the Bb. Pilipinas Charities before she is completely reinstated. It took more than a month for Venus to get a passport because she was too busy with her TV guestings and appearances.


Overseas
On Saturday, May 22, 13-year-old Jordan Romero of California, USA became the youngest climber to reach the peak of Mount Everest. The lovable kid has become so popular on Twitter, fans of Justin Bieber have started sending him hate mails.
————–
“A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor’s throat without having his neighbor notice it.”
~Former UN Secretary-General Trygve Lie

Briefly Noted
For two consecutive days now, my favorite broadsheet has bannered ‘positive’ stories about its favorite president-elect.
Saturday: “Aquino receives US envoy”
Sunday: “China, Spain hail Aquino’s poll victory”
Is PDI the new Manila Bulletin?

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyon ng dayaan na ibinunyag ni “Koala Boy?”
Oo! Imbestigahan ‘yan! 9%
Hindi! Pakawala siya ng mga talunan! 81%
Medyo. 10%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great week ahead. Go Lakers!





CONFUSED

24 04 2010

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.


Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

————————–
“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!





KAMUNDUHAN

21 04 2010

THE 40th ANNUAL EARTH DAY will be celebrated on Thursday, April 22, 2010. In observance of this historic event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Manny Villar will throw garbage at each other.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she wants this year’s Earth Day event to be memorable for the Nacionalista Party. She vows to dig up more dirt on Manny Villar.

The 40th Earth Day is being celebrated this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Manny Villar will re-enact the first time he bathed in a sea of garbage.

The world will be celebrating the 40th Earth Day this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino will NOT smoke for a day.

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro can easily relate to nature and environmental issues… mainly because loyal Lakas leaders have become extinct.

Justice Secretary Alberto Agra is also celebrating Earth Day. In fact, he observed the event in advance. Last Saturday, he trashed the multiple murder charges against two Ampatuan scions.

In case you didn’t know, President Arroyo has declared April 22 as the “Philippines’ Earth Day” through Presidential Proclamation No. 1481. She signed the proclamation right after the release of a survey showing the continued “erosion” of the people’s trust on her.

Former president Joseph Estrada and senatorial candidate Joey De Venecia have decided not to campaign on April 22. Erap will observe Earth Day by planting his seeds while De Venecia will plant some weeds.

Professor Danton Remoto and party-list group “Ang Ladlad” will celebrate ‘biodiversity’ on Earth Day. The theme of Ang Ladlad’s celebration: “Para sa Makulay at Masayang Mundo, Berdeng Dugo ang Iboto!”

Sen. Mar Roxas will lead the Liberal Party’s Earth Day activity. Everyone is invited… except for Chiz Escudero and company.

This just in: Mar Roxas has belied claims by Korina’s former household helper that the broadcaster still uses Aquanet hair spray.

Makati City will observe Earth Day by promoting garbage segregation. As a matter of fact, residents, particularly those living in slums underwent a seminar on waste management recently. Sa naturang seminar ay ipinaliwanag ang pagkakaiba ng biodegradable at non-biodegradable. Halimbawa: ang mga papel at tirang pagkain ay natutunaw. Ang mga ito ay biodegradable. Sa kabilang banda, ang mga Binay ay ‘di natutunaw. Sa katunayan, inabot na nga sila ng dalawampu’t apat na taon sa city hall. Sila ay non-biodegradable.

Environmental groups are handing out special awards this year in celebration of the 40th Earth Day. Leading the list of awardees is businessman Manuel V. Pangilinan who is being recognized for his “reuse” and “recycling” efforts.

A list of famous people who are considered “anti-environment” will also be made public for the first time. Topping the list are Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan for turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

And to warn the public about the hazards of chemicals on humans, Tingting Cojuangco, Loi Ejercito, Baby Arenas, Imelda Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, and Ellen Lising will join a motorcade.

But there are some who won’t be celebrating Earth Day this year. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is one of them. Alam n’yo naman, matindi pa rin ang galit niya sa mga “puno.”

And lastly, Stella Marquez-Araneta and the Bb. Pilipinas Charities, Inc. (BPCI) will celebrate the beauty of our planet on Earth Day. Stella and the BPCI say, “We love Earth. But we also love Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, and Saturn. The only one we hate is Venus.”

In Other News…

Absolved!
Justice Secretary Alberto Agra has cleared two members of the powerful Ampatuan clan of the grisly murder of 57 people in Maguindanao last year. With a justice secretary like that, who needs defense lawyers?

Gordon & Bayani
Despite the support of some loyal friends in Partido Lakas, Bayani Fernando says he will not abandon Richard Gordon, the standard bearer of Bagumbayan Party. To prove that he is telling the truth, Fernando promised Gordon that he would not call for a meeting of Bagumbayan members at Discovery Suites in Pasig City for a loyalty check.

Poor
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 43 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.
——————–
“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.”
~Cree Indian Proverb

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng hayup sa larawan?
A: “L is for laway! Noy!Noy! Hihihi. Jas kedding!”
B: “Masama bang tumanaw ng utang na loob?”
C: “Tumabi kayo Villaroyo at Gloriaquino! Narito na ang bago! Ampatuanoy!”

Survey Says
Maiba naman. Lakers or Cavaliers?
Wala nang iba pa! Cavaliers! 24%
Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Lakers! 34%
Hmmm, pass muna! I’m not into sports. 42%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





TESTS

13 04 2010

FIRST GENTLEMAN MIKE ARROYO, who was released from the hospital last week, gets a couple of good news today. One, he is now allowed to go out for a walk, and two, Prospero Nograles is now supporting Manny Villar.

Leaving Lakas?
House Speaker Prospero Nograles, Lakas vice chairman, has thrown his support behind Nacionalista Party’s Manny Villar. It took some time before Nograles made a decision. So when he discovered that his heart was really for the NP leader, he ran around the hotel naked shouting Villar’s name.

Prospero Nograles has reportedly bolted Lakas and is now supporting the presidential bid of Manny Villar. But Nograles’ decision did not shock Lakas standard-bearer Gilbert Teodoro. In fact, Gibô was more surprised by the reported death of veteran comedian Palito saying, “Buhay pa pala siya?!?”

All-Time Low
The Social Weather Stations says President Arroyo’s net satisfaction rating is down to –53 percent, an all-time low. Because of the “F” or failing grade she received from Filipinos, Mrs. Arroyo says she’s more than willing to repeat.


Poland in Mourning
Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife Maria, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Unverified reports say, before the plane crashed, it was flying too low. Yeah, it was flying too low that it almost collided with President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife, and dozens of political, military, and religious leaders of Poland were killed in a plane crash last Sunday. Tsk… tsk… tsk. Napag-iiwanan na talaga ang Pilipinas!

MVP Stays
The Ateneo De Manila University Board of Trustees has decided to reject the resignation of its chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan. Consequently, the board announced that the university is adopting a new slogan. From “Lux Domino” (Light in the Lord), the new slogan will be, “Plagiarius est non bonus tamen nos postulo viaticus” (Plagiarism is not good but we need cash).

LP vs. NP
Sen. Manny Villar has challenged Sen. Noynoy Aquino to undergo a psychiatric test. Felt slighted by the challenge, Noynoy told Villar, “Magpapa-psychiatric test lang ako kung mamamatay ka muna dahil walang pampagamot.”

————————
“It all comes down to serving the ones who are fighting alongside you, watching your back, putting a weapon in your hand when you need it most.”
~James Luceno

Survey Says
Sino ang dapat sisihin sa nangyayaring batuhan ng putik sa kampanya?
Partido Liberal ni NOYNOY 14%
Partido Nacionalista ni VILLAR 24%
Pareho sila! Punyeta! 62%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Today is April 13
On this date in…

1997: Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win The Masters Tournament at 21. He celebrates the victory by having sex with 21 women.

1977: Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up” is released… instantly becoming a hit among members of Lakas-CMD-Kampi.

1880: At the Ateneo De Manila, Dr. Jose Rizal writes the allegory titled Consejo de los Dioses (Council of the Gods) and wins a prize. Rizal relinquished the prize a week later after admitting that portions of his work were plagiarized.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal
Have you received your latest Meralco billing statement? Punyeta! Manny Pangilinan, maldita ka! Ano ‘tong ginawa mo?!? Ang laki ng babayarin namin!%3%@7#*&)





TWO MEN AND A BABY

7 04 2010

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.


Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.





5 04 2010

Today is April 5th
On this date in…

2348 BC: Noah’s ark nestled on the 17,000-ft high Mount Ararat… prompting Noah’s hysterical relatives to ask: “How in hell do you intend to get us safely out of here?”

1895: Oscar Wilde loses his criminal libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry, who’d accused the writer of homosexual practices. The legal setback did not dampen Wilde’s spirit. That same night, he partied with Tim Yap, Raymond Gutierrez, JM Rodriguez, and others at Encore (formerly Embassy).

1930: Mahatma Ghandi defies British law by making salt in India. Britain declares it a sin.

1947: Gloria Macapagal is born. Just so you know, Baby Gloria was an “overdue” baby having stayed for an extended term inside her mother’s womb.

1964: US General Douglas MacArthur dies at 84. Scared relatives later bared that his last words were “I shall return.”

2006: Katie Couric announces she’s leaving NBC’s “Today” show to become anchor of “The CBS Evening News.” She then revealed that TV5 offered her to co-anchor its primetime newscast with Paolo Bediones. Couric had to decline though saying, “Novaliches is too far for me.”

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Any Day In History, Today in History, and Wikipedia.

Briefly Noted
After scouring the pages of The Philippine Star today, April 5, 2010, I noticed that the paper opted to “kill” the Manny V. Pangilinan plagiarism controversy. What’s the slogan again of The Philippine Star? Is it ‘Truth shall prevail’ or ‘Fear shall prevail?’ Is MVP’s Mediaquest Holdings still in talks to acquire the Belmonte-owned broadsheet?

Pacquiao, Carolla, and Comedy
Some people have been asking me to comment on the anti-Pacquiao rant of American comedian Adam Carolla. But then again, how can I denounce Carolla’s bashing of Manny when fellow Filipinos like Vice Ganda enjoys mocking Pacquiao and his family? Here’s the video.

Survey Says
Reports say Mike Arroyo is supporting Manny Villar. If you were Gilbert Teodoro, how would you react:
Okay lang. Walang problema. 64%
Isa siyang kawalan. Sayang. 23%
Talaga? Hindi yata ako naniniwala. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





HOLY WEAK, TOO

2 04 2010


The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
——————————
“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.





HACKED!

22 03 2010


Harapan: The VP Debate
Did you watch Sunday night’s vice presidential debate organized by ABS-CBN? At one point, Loren Legarda asked Mar Roxas why he kept shifting allegiances. Viewers were shocked to hear that from Loren. For a moment, they thought Jay Sonza would then be mocking Jejomar Binay for being dark-skinned.

Erap vs. MILF
The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has endorsed a “fatwa” against former president Joseph Estrada and declared him “an enemy of Islam.” The MILF took its cue from the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, which declared Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral an enemy of Catholicism.

Loud Thud
You’ve heard the news about the death of the son of TV host Toni Rose Gayda, right? Reports say neighbors heard a loud thud when Edward James Gayda Lim fell from the veranda of their condo unit last Friday. How about the latest Pulse Asia trust survey? Heard about it? Reports say neigbors of presidential bet Manny Villar heard a loud thud too.


Pacquiao and the President
After attending mass in Quiapo, Manny Pacquiao went to Malacañang and paid a courtesty call on President Arroyo. For years, the pound-for-pound king and the president have become really good friends. They share the same passion for boxing. They have the same work ethic. And they support the same presidential candidate.

Hacked!
Sen. Manny Villar’s official website was reportedly hacked. A blog entry titled “Hacked by Kris Aquino” was posted on http://www.mannyvillar.com.ph. Kris vows to issue a statement as soon as her Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, and Ate Viel advise her on the matter.

Top 5 Signs that Sen. Manny Villar’s Official Website Has Been Hacked

No. 5: Every time you click his profile, you automatically win a house and lot.

No. 4: Visitors of his website report getting not just viruses but leptospirosis

No. 3: When you try to leave a message in the comments section, the site requires you to log in your name, e-mail address, and favorite ‘Kris Aquino’ moment.

No. 2: Each time you access the site, you get an annoying pop-up that says: “Jamby Madrigal was here!”

And the No. 1 sign that Sen. Manny Villar’s official website has been hacked…

When you open the website, you are automatically redirected to C-5 road.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng tao sa larawan?
A: “Hmmm, napaisip ako ah. What if totohanin ko na lang ang tsismis na si Villar ang kandidato namin ni Mike? Teka….”
B: “Kakaiba na ‘tong pose ko huh! Kapag ‘di pa naman ako na-feature sha blog ni Professional Heckler, ewan ko na lang!”
C: “Paano nga kaya kung magka-failure of elections? Congresswoman na… presidente pa! Exciting!”
D: “Hello? Midas? Kumusta na ang botohan ng mga mahistrado? Are they allowing me to appoint a new Chief Justice? Will I get a unanimous vote?”


Ano ang sinasabi ng lalaking naka-orange sa larawan?
A: “Mga two years pa, pwede mo na ‘yang turuang lumangoy sa dagat ng basura!”
B: “Nene, gusto mo bang umappear sa susunod kong commercial?”
C: “Bibigyan ko ng beinte pesos ‘tong bata pero ‘wag mo munang kukunin huh, may camera sa paligid. Election offense ‘yan.”
D: “O, bakit nakadilaw si Nene? Iuwi mo muna at palitan ng damit na orange! Dali!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng (mga) tao sa larawan?
A: “Ito ba ‘yon? Ito ba ‘yung batang nakadilaw nang dumaan si Villar kanina? Bakit naka-white? Iuwi mo muna. Palitan mo ng green!”
B: “Hoy Nene… ‘wag na ‘wag ko lang mababalitaang naliligo ka sa dagat ng basura okay? Kung hindi, idedemanda ko ‘yang nanay mo!”
C: “Pakisabi sa sa tatay mo, ‘wag maniniwala sa surveys! Kahit ‘ka mo si Noynoy, duda rin sa mga surveys.”
D: “Kung makatingin naman ‘tong batang ‘to, parang nakakita ng ‘walang utang na loob na pamangkin.’ Hmpf!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Settle down people, settle down. Hindi ako aalis ng ‘The Buzz’ ok? Hello??? Ano ako tanga? Free airtime din ‘yon sa campaign ni Noy ‘no?”
B: “Alam n’yo po, you’re so bad. Bakit ang layo-layo n’yo? Hindi po air-borne ang STD! ‘Tsaka, gosh! That was so history. Nag-move on na ako at nag-move on na si Joey! Well, I admit, I still keep that fire-retardant pillow.Ha-ha-ha!”
C: “Ready na kayo? Unahan ‘to huh. Walang tulakan. Game? Bring Me… a photo of that girl Mayen Austria! Now na!”
D: “I can’t hear you guys. Lakasan n’yo naman! Gusto n’yo ba ‘kong maging First Lady?”

————————
“If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he’ll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.”
~Jamie Zawinski

Survey Says
On the Supreme Court’s decision allowing President Arroyo to appoint the next SC Chief Justice. Your take:
That’s fine. No problem. 26%
I totally disagree! 69%
Sorry, ‘di ko alam ang isyu. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





HIDE-AND-SEEK

5 03 2010


Friday Light Bites
One really dark evening, presidential and vice presidential candidates together with some politicians decided to have fun by playing hide-and-seek:

Even before the game started, Vetellano Acosta was disqualified because he didn’t know the rules.

Joseph Estrada initially confirmed his participation but decided to back out at the last minute, and accused the organizer of bias.

Mar Roxas, who had an inkling he would lose, withdrew from the game.

The youngest candidate, JC De Los Reyes begged off from joining the nocturnal activity because he needed eight hours of sleep.

With confidence, Bro. Eddie Villanueva volunteered to be “IT” saying, “The Lord is my shepherd. When I seek, I shall find.”

Environmentalist Nicanor Perlas hid behind a tree.

Si Edu Manzano, umasa sa tulong ng isa pang “puno.”

Gilbert Teodoro hid behind a school building, the place where he felt most welcome.

Loren Legarda hid behind a tree. Then, she transferred behind a haystack. Then she transferred behind a barn. Then she transferred behind a cart. She kept doing that until she was found.

Jay Sonza never had to look for a hiding place. He walked a couple of meters away from the base and just stood there.

Richard Gordon, who was too excited to play accused Manny Villar of trying to bribe him into quitting the game.

Manny Villar hid behind Gilbert Remulla, Adel Tamano, and Alan Peter Cayetano.

Jamby Madrigal hid behind parliamentary immunity.

And Noynoy Aquino hid behind his sisters’ skirts.

The game ended shortly before midnight but…

Jejomar Binay wanted to keep playing… for at least 24 years.

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo suggested amendments to the rules so they could extend the game.

… the “it” failed to locate Panfilo Lacson

… and two former senators, Ernesto Maceda and John Osmeña still refused to come out.
———————-
“Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances.”
~Sun Tzu


March 5th
On this date in…

1558: Francisco Fernandes introduces tobacco smoking in Europe. Coincidentally, Noynoy Aquino is present during the smoking demo.

1899: Gen. Pio del Pilar reports to Pres. Emilio Aguinaldo that revolutionary forces successfully captured American forces in Mandaluyong. Hours later, Mandaluyong is filled with huge tarpaulins that said, “Mabuhay ang mga rebolusyonaryong Pinoy! Isang pagbati mula kina Mayor Benjamin Abalos Jr. at Cong. Neptali Gonzales Jr.”

1934: The first Mother-in-law’s day is celebrated… prompting millions of sons-in-law all over the world to ask why.

1997: Representatives of North and South Korea meet for the first time after 25 years. As a sign of peace, both parties agreed to spend the next 24 hours watching ‘Boys Over Flowers.’

Have a safe weekend!





TRUST

25 02 2010


PINOY POLITICS 2010: Modern Election Terms

Bloc Voting
See Iglesia ni Cristo.

Campaign
A series of planned deception to get someone elected

Celebrity endorser
A prominent tool of deception

Defeated candidate
He who cries fraud

First-Termer
Vulture in the making

Flying voter
A person who exercises suffrage repeatedly as a means of livelihood

Governor
Just recently, an elective official whose term ends two months before the elections
May also refer to a defeated candidate who wins a recount; Duration of term is two months or less

House of Representatives
Crocodile farm

Iglesia ni Cristo
See Bloc Voting.

Maverick politician
What Joker Arroyo has become less of

Miting De Avance
Culminating activity of a circus

Liberal recruit
A turncoat

Mudslinging
What Liberals and Nacionalistas enjoy doing most

Nacionalista recruit
See Liberal recruit.

Noontime show
For politicians, the best place to pop the question to your girlfriend

Padyak (Pedicab)
A campaign tool with cringing effect resulting in disastrous survey performance

Partido Lakas-Kampi-CMD recruit
There’s no such thing.

Permit to campaign
A fund-raising concept in the countryside originated by Jose Maria Sison and his cohorts
Also known as ‘extortion’

Platform
Recycled promises in written form

Political ad
Half-truths presented in creative form

Political party
Source of funds

(The) Poor
Campaign paraphernalia in human form

Pork Barrel
A totally harmless budget with the purest and noblest of intentions until it is allocated to lawmakers

2010 Presidential forum
An organized debate where Villar-bashing has a time limit

Recount
Spend at your own risk

Reelectionist
A politician who has yet to recover the amount he spent in the previous elections

Vegetarian
A lawmaker who doesn’t know the price of “galunggong” and doesn’t eat eggs
———-

IN CASE you haven’t heard, Kris Aquino has been discharged from the Makati Medical Center. She was given a clean bill of health after she slipped in the shower last week. She was confined for almost five days after that fall.

Breaking News! I am now verifying reports that Kris’ brother, Sen. Noynoy Aquino was admitted to the same hospital yesterday… after his trust rating fell.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to a recent Pulse Asia survey, Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manuel Villar Jr. is the most trusted presidential candidate. Villar is so trustworthy even President Arroyo trusts him.

Pulse Asia Survey II
A Pulse Asia survey revealed that Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s trust rating dropped by 8 percentage points. If it’s any consolation, the trust rating of Baby James is up by 10 points.

Pulse Asia Survey III
The latest Pulse Asia survey said 74 percent of Filipinos wouldn’t vote for a candidate endorsed by President Arroyo… to which Gilbert Teodoro said, “Malas naman ni Villar!”

Light Bites
Q: What did former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye tell the press when he was asked about the race for president?
A: “The president has two presidential bets: one is real, the other is fake.”

Loren and Manny
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. held Sen. Loren Legarda’s hand during an interview prompting the vice presidential bet to quip, “Napaka-sweet talaga ng presidente ko.” Reporters covering the event were surprised to hear the compliment since it marked the first time that Loren uttered such flattering remark to a man below 64 years old.

Warmest Day
Weather experts reported that the hottest day of the year so far was recorded on Feb. 24, Wednesday afternoon at 34.5 degrees Celsius. It was so hot yesterday, Manny Villar went swimming in a sea of garbage!

Warmest Day II
According to PAGASA, the hottest day of the year so far was recorded on Wednesday afternoon at 34.5 degrees Celsius. Rumors say Noynoy Aquino and the Liberal Party are alarmed by the report. With Noynoy’s temperature currently at 36.5, they are now statistically tied.

——————————
“A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.”
~James Freeman Clarke





THE ILOCOS TIMES… Bow!

21 01 2010


THANK YOU SO MUCH to one of this blog’s readers, Del for informing me about this.

The Ilocos Times, a local publication up north copied my Christmas-themed articles last year and re-printed them as an editorial in the paper’s January 11 to January 17, 2010 issue.

Below the editorial title is a disclaimer of sorts: “The following is an article written by Johnny Mercado.” In all fairness, there was an attribution. Right click here to see the online edition of the paper.

I don’t know who Johnny Mercado is. The last time I checked, my birth certificate says “M****** Landicho” was STILL my real name. [Now you know. Ha-ha!]

The person who alerted me on the Ilocos Times editorial surmised that the “Johnny Mercado” being referred to was Ilocos Times columnist, Juan Mercado. Isn’t he the same Juan Mercado who writes for the Philippine Daily Inquirer? Correct me please if I got it all wrong.

But seriously, Ilocos Times people are legitimate journalists aren’t they? Why the need to copy-paste a compilation of political humor musings to come up with an editorial? Ang daming isyu, ang daming usapin, ang daming pangyayaring puwedeng suriin at busisiin ng mga editors, bakit kailangan pang humiram sa iba?

What were they thinking?

In contrast, Philippine Star columnist William Esposo re-printed the same post in his column last December 31 but he did ask for my permission before he published the article.

Please do not misinterpret this post. Wala po akong kinikita mula sa blog na ito kahit isang sentimo. Kaya konting attribution lang po sana sa mga sinulat ko, masaya na ‘ko.

I hope this piece reaches the staff of The Ilocos Times. Come on guys, you can do better than that. Halimbawa, kopyahin n’yo ang editoryal ng Inquirer o ng Philippine Star. Just kidding.

Sana ket umuna kuma nga inammo yo ta source yo bago kayo nga nagsurat ken nagkopya. Agyamanak!

I’m not mad. In fact, I’m half-flattered. Paano naman ako magagalit eh bigla kong nakita ang larawang ito mula sa GMA News website. President Arroyo recently bestowed the Order of Sikatuna with the Rank of Datu to outgoing US Ambassador Kristie Kenney.


Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “O, Gloria, pakabait ka huh. Huwag mong sayangin ang nine years of unwavering support ng Washington sa ‘yo.”
B: “Oo naman. Kaya nga tatakbo ulit ako para maipagpatuloy ko ang aking mga nasimulan na tinolerate n’yo naman!”
C: “If we were guys, they might describe this moment as ‘bromance.’ But since, we’re both women, ito ang tinatawag na ‘breast friends.’”
D: “Mabuti pa ‘yung sa ‘yo, totoo. ‘Yung sa ‘kin, kaliwa na lang ang natural.”
_______________
“TIMES like these, you need a juicy.”
~Juicy Fruit Gum ad








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