EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Silence

LESS THAN 24 HOURS after Pasay City RTC Judge Jesus Mupas allowed her to post bail, former president and incumbent Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo granted this blogger an exclusive interview. The conversation took place at a wellness center in Tagaytay City where she’s seeking alternative treatment. Here’s the transcript of the short interview – unedited.

Madam President, magandang umaga po.

Shobra! Tama ang shinabi mo, ‘no? Napakaganda ng umagang ito.

Ano po ang reaksyon n’yo sa naging pasya ng korte na payagan kayong magpiyansa?

Sa totoo lang, nagulat kaming lahat dito sa oshpital. Sabi nga ng eldesht kong apo, “Unang appeal pa lang, piyansa agad-agad for Lola?!? ‘Di ba pwedeng house arresht muna?” Ang mga bata talaga ngayon kung anu-anong natututunan sa telebishyon.

May mensahe ho ba kayo kay Judge Jesus Mupas?

He ish my savior! He’s really living up to his first name. Shana ay tuluy-tuloy na ‘to. Alam mo na! Not guilty, ‘no?!

Walong buwan po kayong nakakulong. Napakaraming…

Exshcuse me, hindi ako nakakulong. I wash confined. Ang inmate… sha kulungan. Ang pashyente sa pagamutan. Pashyente ako, hindi preso, ‘no?! Please take note of that.

Sige ma’am. Ibang isyu na po tayo. Napanood n’yo ba ang SONA ni Pangulong Aquino last Monday?

Oh, was that hish SONA? Akala ko naman novena. Nakatulog ako sha sobrang haba eh.

Sabi po ni Presidente sa speech niya, hindi niya matatanggap ang forgive and forget. Ano pong masasabi n’yo?

Wala akong masashabi d’yan. Unang-una, he’s not probably referring to me but to hish failed relationships. Frushtrated lang ‘yan dahil hindi niya maisishi sa akin ang kawalan niya ng love life. Besides, who ish asking for his forgivenessh ba? Not me.

Kainitan ho ngayon ng usapin tungkol sa agawan ng isla sa West Philippine Sea. Kung kayo ho ang nasa pwesto ng Presidente, ano ang posibleng gawin n’yo?

‘Yan ang sinashabi ko sa pangulo n’yo. Puro target shooting at videoke ang inaatupag. Mag-aral ‘ka mo sha ng golf. During my time, kapag may isyu with the Chinese, pupunta lamang kami ni Mike sa China, makikipaglaro ng one round of golf, at voila, sealed ang deal. It’s that shimple. One more tip: Kung maglalaro siya ng golf sa China, huwag na huwag isasama ang mag-asawang De Venecia at bawal magdala ng camera. Alam mo na!.

Tatakbo ho ba kayo sa susunod na eleksyon?

Mas gusto kong tumakbo palabash ng bansa. Ay! Ano ba ‘yong sinabi ko? Off the record please.

You’ve had three surgeries na po. Why seek alternative treatment now?

Alam mo, ang karamdaman ko ay hindi ordinaryo. Para rin itong pulitiko. Kumbaga, naka-tatlong termino na ako, ‘di na uli pwedeng kumandidato. Pero, may alternatives. Pwedeng mag-governor naman or kung malakash sa survey, mag-senator. Kung ‘di pa rin umubra, I’ll leave everything up to God. Shabi nga ng aking amang si Ka Dadong, “Do what ish right, do what ish best, and God will take care of the rest.”

In peace?

Shobra ka naman. Malakash pa ako.

Ano po ang sunod na gagawin n’yo after ng pagpapagamot dito sa Tagaytay?

God willing, gushto kong manood ng pelikula ni Ate Vi, ‘yong ‘The Healing.’ At kung may orash pa, mukhang maganda rin ‘yong ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ dahil favorite ko si Christian Bail.

Joke po ‘yon?

Hihihi. Na-getsh mo? Pasensha na sa humor ko. Noynoy Aquino lang ang peg: dry. Hihihi

Maiba ako ma’am. Recently ay pinag-debatehan na naman ang National Artist Award dahil kay Mang Dolphy.

Oo nga eh. Nakakalungkot. Hindi ko man lang inabutan ang kanyang burol. Gusto ko pa naman sana siyang makita.

Ngayon ma’am, gusto n’yo s’yang makita?

‘Wag muna naman ngayon. Ikaw talaga! May Noynoy mindset ka. Parang gusto mo na rin akong mawala sa mundo, ‘no?!

Ay hindi ma’am. Nililinaw ko lang po. By the way, may ilang questions po rito sent via Twitter. Pakisagot na lang po kung pwede.”

Shure. Pakibilishan lang dahil kailangan ko nang magpahinga. Shumasakit na naman ang likod ko.

From @Ernee_Maseda: “Kumusta na ang sex life ni madam? Plenty pa rin ba?”

Mashyadong tsismosho naman ang nagtanong na ‘yan. Well, hindi na kami bumabata ni Mike kaya medyo malaki na ang nabawash, ‘noh. Pero katulad ng lunas sa sakit, may alternatives naman. Shecret na ‘yon.

Thank you for that honest answer ma’am. Ang sunod na tanong ay mula kay @Annabail_Ramma: “May plunder case ka pa ‘day. Paanu mo haharapin ang mga kasu mo ‘day? Unavailable offense ‘yon ‘day.”

Shimple lang. Dapat maliwanag ang iyong pag-iisip. Mahalaga ang peace of mind. Hindi pwedeng padalush-dalosh. Bawat gagawin at sasabihin, pag-ishipan muna. By the way, it’s ‘unbailable’ not ‘unavailable.’

May quick reply po si @Annabail_Ramma. Sabi niya, “Hay naku ‘day! ‘Wag mu kung liktyuran sa spilling ‘day. Baka hambalusin kita ng tungkod ‘day! Siguru kakampi ka ni Mahalia Fuintis ‘day! Magsama kayo sa impyirnu ‘day!”

Hindi ko na sha papatulan. Pero let me take this opportunity to say hi to Chito Alcid. Wala lang.

Thank you ma’am. Our last question was tweeted by a certain @AThorneyEdwin_Lamyerda. He said, “Napakarami mong kaaway. Nakakatulog ka pa ba sa gabi? Pakisagot!”

You first.

Maraming salamat Mrs. President. Any final message para sa ‘yong constituents sa Pampanga?

Sa aking mga Kabalen, mayap a bengi. Dacal a salamat kaluguran. Manyampukaki ing lugud mi kekayu.

Dacal a salamat Mrs. President.

At sa mga shupporters ko sa buong bansa, maraming shalamat sa inyong mga dasal. Lagi nating tandaan, if there’s a will, there’s a chair. Thank you.
—————-
“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”
~ David Foster Wallace

Have a peaceful and safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL AWARDS

IMMEDIATELY AFTER the conviction of the Chief Justice on Tuesday, May 29, the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity (COITUS) Awards were held at the impeachment court. The Coitus was taped and will be telecast on a delayed basis real soon. Nonetheless, I was able to get a copy of the full transcript of the event. Enjoy!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: All rise for tonight’s host, the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

(Canned applause/ Music: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO)

Helllllooooo! I’m baaaack! Gosh, I can’t explain how I feel right now! Grabeeee! This moment is so much bigger than me and the Cojuangco clan. I’m just so happy. Wait, before we formally begin, can I just share a story? Promise, quick lang ‘to.

I was on the phone with Noy last night, sabi niya, “Kristina, can you please pray for a guilty verdict tomorrow?” Siyempre, presidente na ‘yong tumawag sa ‘kin kaya no choice ako ‘noh! ‘Tsaka afraid naman ako baka sabihin ni Ate Pinky, “Kris, minsan lang makiusap ang kuya mo. ‘Wag mong tanggihan!” So that night, kasama ko si Bimby at si Josh, we prayed the rosary and super pray talaga kami kay Mama Mary. Wait, andun pala sa bahay si Sweet pero ayaw niyang mag-pray kasi pro-Corona daw siya. Aha-ha-ha Sorry John Lapus, nilaglag kita. Bakit? Eh totoo namang crush mo si Atty Midas Marquez ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha.

Anyway, so ‘yon na nga. Sabay-sabay kaming nag-pray no’ng dalawang bagets na sana maka-16 man lang just to convict CJ. Happy na kami do’n. Then while watching the voting kanina, biglang nag-17, 18 then nag-19 pa. So naloka na ko nang bonggang-bongga. Sabi ko, “OA ka Mama Mary, pinagmumukha mo naman akong dupang!” Aha-ha-ha ‘Tapos umabot pa ng 20… gosh. We’re really blessed. Thankful talaga ako. As in. Kaya sa 20 brave senators, I love you naaaa! Promise, I will tell Noy to increase your pork barrel. Gusto n’yo ba ‘yon?

(Silence)

Ay, deadma?? ‘K. Fine. Kung ayaw n’yo… mga congressmen na lang ang tatanungin ko. Those guys sa left in Barong Tagalog, gusto n’yo ba ng increase sa pork barrel?

Gusto!!!

Bongga! Walang hesitation! Basta pork barrel, ang bibilis. Aha-ha-ha! With that, let’s staaaaart! Welcome to the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity or COITUS Awards! Tonight, bibigyan natin ng parangal ang ilang impeachment players na agaw-eksena talaga sa 44 days ng trial. Kung mapapansin n’yo, Vicki Belo is present sa gallery. Hi Vickiiiii! Sponsor natin siya tonight. Smile ka naman d’yan! There! Ang cute talaga ng ngiti mo friend. very unique. Promise. Lips lang talaga ang gumagalaw. You’re so talented! Aha-ha-ha!

Here we gooo! Itodo na natin dahil si Congresswoman Agabas ay may pupuntahan pa yatang kasal. In fairness, ninang na ninang ang aura mo today madam. I luveeeeet! Special awards muna tayo! Just so you know, a jury monitored the vote and the explanation kanina of each senator at doon namin ibinatay ang parangal na ito. The results were tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst & Young. Ito ang “It’s All About Me!” Award. Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Murang Pabahay Realty… Mura man ang bahay, hindi naman inaanay)

The “It’s All About Me!” Award goes to…

(Drum Roll)

Senator Manny Villar! Yeeeeey! Congratulations! Come here Senator, get mo ang Coitus trophy mo.

(Cue instrumental music: Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura…)

Thank you, Kris. Maraming salamat. Kung hindi mo mamasamain, ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng award na ito?

Helllllo! Eh kasi naman Senator, nag-moment ka pa sa iyong explanation kanina. Si Corona ang accused remember? Not you! Eh bakit pati Villaroyo, pagligo sa dagat ng basura, black propaganda, kahirapan, at C5 issue noong 2010 kinalkal mo pa? Kaloka ka! Gusto mo bang imbestigahan ka rin? Joke lang! O sha, go na. Happy 20th anniversary na lang sa Villar Foundation! Ang aga ng TV commercial huh! Ayaw ng Comelec ng ganyan!

Moving on… Before our major awards, can we give Senator Lapid a round of applause, please? Kasi, he trended worldwide kanina! Winnnner! Palakpakan natin siya!

(Boisterous applause)

In fairness to him huh, nag-trend siya talaga for like 32.764 minutes. Promise. Sorry Bong! Pero tinalbugan ka talaga ni Senator Lapid. Kung siya, worldwide trending, ikaw naman, trending lang sa bandang Bacoor at Kamuning! Aha-ha-ha! I love you Lani!

Our next category is the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award. The nominees are…
- Ombudsman Conchita “Mea culpa” Carpio-Morales. In fairness, nakipagsabayan siya kay Senator Miriam! Bongga! (Canned applause)

- Land Registration Authority Administrator Eulalio “45 Properties” Diaz III. Love siya ni Noy. Go Ateneo! (Canned applause)

And lastly, Chief Justice Renato “Hypoglycemia” Corona. Matapos umamin sa ‘di nadeklarang dollar accounts, mega-walkout?? Rudeness!!! Imbyerna ang judges! I’m sure!

Sino sa palagay n’yo ang winner??! Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Philippine Weekly Inquirer: Balanced Views, Fearless News Or So They Claim)

And the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award goes to… Any guesses guys?

(Drum roll)

Journalist/blogger Raissa Robles!!! Yeeeey! Congratulations!

Is Raissa here? Wala? Anyway, you have done a tremendous job Raissa – better than the congressmen and the private prosecutors combined! Walang bola! You so deserve this! I am accepting the Coitus on your behalf. I love youuuu! Congratulations!

Teka, bakit ang sama ng tingin sa akin ni Atty. Judd Roy?! I hate you naaa. You’re scaring me!

With all due respect, I am not scaring you Kris. Ito ang aking natural look. Goddamn it!

Basta! Don’t stare na lang. Sa iba ka na lang tumingin pleeeeeease. Thank you. Our next category is the “Best Prosecutor Award.” And the nominees are…

Atty. Mario Bautista (Canned applause)
Northern Samar Rep. Raul Daza (Canned applause)
Atty. Demetrio Custodio (Canned applause)
And finally, Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas Jr.
Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas (Canned applause)

Before I announce the winner, I just wanna thank, on behalf of my family, the prosecution team. Sobrang galing n’yo. At the risk of sounding biased, hanga talaga ako sa ‘yo Congressman Fariñas. Si ako ay bilib sa ginawa ni ikaw! Aha-ha-ha Na-senti ka ‘noh?

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner!

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Mila’s Lechon Paksiw… Lechon Ngayon, Paksiw Bukas!)

The “Best Prosecutor” Award goes to

(Drum roll)

Oh my gosh, it’s a tie! Senators Frank Drilon and Kiko Pangilinan! Wow! Congratulations! Come, come! Moment n’yo ‘to! Bilis! Tito Frank, you first. Palakpak naman kayo!

(Canned applause)

Thank you Kris. Alam n’yo po, para sa bansa ang ginawa namin. Walang pagsisisi, walang pag-aalinlangan basta para sa bayan! Salamat sa pagkilalang ito.

Salamat din Tito Frank. You did well. Ikaw ang Savior for All Seasons! Now, Senator Kiko…

Kris, katulad ng sinabi ni Senator Drilon, hindi ito para sa amin. Hindi ito para sa Liberal Party. Hindi ito para sa 2013 o 2016. Para ito sa milyun-milyong mahihirap na naghahangad ng pagbabago sa ating pamahalaan. I’d like to share this award with my one and only loving wife who’s probably tweeting her bashers right now. Sweetheart, itigil mo na ‘yan!

Nakakaloka! Awayin daw ba si Mega in front of the impeachment court?! Hindi kita kinakaya Senator Kiko. Congratulations!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: Cocktails will be served in a few minutes.

May ganung intermission? Winnner! Promise… mami-miss ko po kayo Sir.

(Phone rings; answers call)

Guys, I have good news. Tumawag si Noy. To celebrate this historic victory, he’s declaring June 9 and 10 special non-working days both in public and private offices nationwide! Yeeeey! Ang bait talaga ng brother ko, promise!

(Phone rings again)

Sorry, I need to take this call.

(Talks on the phone)

Everyone, I have another good news! Kausap ko ang SWS at Pulse Asia. According to their survey na lalabas sa mga diyaryo anytime now, 99.9 percent ng mga Filipino ay agree sa ‘Guilty’ verdict ng Senado. Parang germs lang. How sweeeet! I love you everyone!!!

Diretso na tayo sa iba pang awards. Mabilisan lang ‘to. So please, ‘wag nang papansin. Kapag tinawag kayo as winner, akyat agad ng stage and claim your Coitus trophy. Okay? Gumagabi na. I’m doing this naman for free kaya umayos kayo. Gosh, kung ‘di lang kay Noy I won’t even be here. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko tuloy. Aha-ha-ha

First, the “Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award.” I think self-explanatory naman ‘yan. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Alaksan If Ar, Dahil Mahal Ka ni Lord)

The ‘Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award’ goes to…

(Drum roll)

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas!
Yey! Congratulations!

Is Congressman Tupas here? Where is he?

Madam, our apologies po. Nagtungo po ng banyo si Congressman Tupas.

My gaaad. Last day na nga lang ng trial, palpak pa rin??? Kainis huh! So sinong tatanggap nitong Coitus trophy niya? Ayokong ireceive ‘to on his behalf ’noh. Baka ma-jinx ako. Mabuti na’ng careful. Ikaw na lang Congresswoman Kaka Bag-ao. Tutal, winner din naman ang outfit mo. Very ‘guidance counselor’ ang peg. Aha-ha-ha! Thanks!

Ang susunod na parangal ay ang “Talakitok Award.” I heard, unanimous po ang vote ng jury. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: The Talakitok Award is brought to you by the Manila Ocean Parking… Sobrang ganda, sobrang saya, sobrang mahal!)

The “Talakitok Award” goes to…

(Drum roll)

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago! Yeeeey! Congratulations Senator! Kayo po ang nanalo dahil every trial day, hindi puwedeng hindi kayo tatalak! Bongga! Senator, any message?

Mga gago! Ayaw n’yong sabihin ko ang salitang ‘yan? Kagaguhan ang award na ito! Panginoon! Bigyan mo pa ko ng isang buhay, iimbestigahan ko ang jury! Iimbestigahan ko ang trophy! Pati ikaw Kris, iimbestigahan ko! (Walks out)

Gosh, hanggang sa awarding, talakitok pa rin siya! Nakakaloka. Pati ako idinamay. Host lang po ako dito ma’am. At pro bono po ito. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo. Helllooo!

We’re almost done. Our next category: the “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award! Sila ‘yong kahit anong paliwanag, nananatiling kaduda-duda ang statement. Envelope please…

(This award is brought to you by the Philippine Stariray… Truth shall prevail!)

The “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award goes to…

(Drum roll)

It’s a tie! Congressman Rey “Small lady” Umali and Congressman Bolet “Sa gate ng bahay iniwan” Banal! Yey! I’m so happy for you both. Ikaw muna Congressman Rey. Sino ba talaga si Small Lady?

Ba’t ba ayaw n’yong maniwalang hindi ko siya kilala? Basta ang totoo, nilapitan niya ako. Small siya at lady pa. Sure ako! ‘Tapos may ibinigay siyang envelope na kulay white, yellow, brown. Take it or leave it!

Ohhhh k! You know what guys, grabe ang effort ni Congressman sa trial na ito. He actually lost 2lbs. ‘Wag na nating pagdudahan please. Ang importante, nakatulong si Small Lady sa pag-convict kay CJ. Ok? Ikaw naman Congressman Bolet…

Thank you Kris. Hindi ko rin inexpect ang award na ito. Akala ko nga si Harvey Keh ang mananalo eh.

Ok, I’ll be honest. Lumamang ka ng two points sa botohan dahil ikaw ang orihinal na gumamit ng kwentong “iniwan sa gate ang dokumento” blah blah blah. So congratulations!

And for our second to the last category… the “Lumalaban, Umuusig, at Patas na Abogado” o LUPA Award. Pati ako naloka nang malaman ang edad nila.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Walang Leak Diapers… Kahit anong lakas ng wiwi, hindi ka ngingiwi!)

The LUPA Award goes to… wala nang iba pa: Senate President Enrile and Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas! Yeyyyy!

(Thunderous applause/standing ovation)

Alam n’yo po, Senator Enrile was older than the Revised Penal Code. True! At aaminin ko, hate na hate ko siya noon dahil sa mga coup d’état against my mom. Pero when I saw him preside over the trial, nawala nang slight ang inis ko. Slight lang. He’s actually great.

Si Justice Cuevas naman po, hindi pa naiimbento ang telebisyon, nanonood na siya ng TV. Kaloka. Paano nangyari ‘yon? I can’t believe na pareho na silang 80 plus! Gosh, nagva-Viagra kaya sila. Ooops, sorry. Me and my big mouth. Aha-ha-ha! Ayokong imaginin ‘yong Dingdong Dantes nila. Ooops, sorry again. Erase na. Erase. Aha-ha-ha

(Enrile and Cuevas smile)

Ay! Sorry! Buhay pa pala kayo. Gusto n’yo pong mag-message? ‘Wag na lang. OT na tayo eh. Aha-ha-ha. Basta, congratulations to our LUPA Awardees! Thank you Senator Enrile. Thank you Justice Cuevas! Palakpakan ulit!

Sgt. At Arms: All rise… everyone is ordered to remain on their seats until…

Teka lang Mr. Sgt. At Arms, may last award pa ako. Atat much? Kaloka. Ito ang “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award.” Wala talaga ito sa listahan ng mga categories pero isinama ko. Wala kayong choice. Ako ang masusunod dahil host ako. Aha-ha-ha.

The “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award” goes to…

(Drum Roll)

President Noynoy Aquino!

(Silence)

Hellloooo! Walang applause? Presidente ‘yon ‘noh!

(Canned Applause)

I love yoooou! Anyway, proud ako kay Noy dahil sa kabila ng mga pagdududa, naipanalo niya ang trial na ito. Despite the prosecution’s blunders, despite the pressure from the Iglesia ni Cristo, despite the recent heartbreak (his 8th in less than two years), he held on. Noy, sure akong proud na proud sina Mommy at Daddy. More power and may you find your true happiness very soon. Ke Korean pa ‘yan o Chinese, broadcaster o stylist o lalaki, bahala ka! Kung saan ka liligaya! Josh and Bimby will visit you soon. Love you.

(Senator Miriam resurfaces)

Panginoon, bigyan mo pa ako ng isang buhay! Iimbestigahan ko ang mga tao sa Senado at Kongreso! Pati ikaw Panginoon, iimbestigahan ko!

That’s it for us. This is Kris Aquino…

Panginoon, isang buhay pa please!

… at ito po ang Coitus Awards! Nakakaloka!
—————————————-
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

Postscript:
Pre-Coitus Awards citations given to other impeachment players:

Best Junior Speaker (English): Atty. Dennis Manalo
Best Junior Speaker (Filipino): Cong. Rudy Fariñas
Best in Recitation (Most Active): Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano
Mr. Grace Under Pressure: Atty. Tranquil Salvador
Ms. Grace Under Pressure: BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Most Amusing: Cong. Elpidio Barzaga (Prosecution)
Most Fierce: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
Most Behaved: Sen. Bong Revilla
Most Quiet: Sen. Lito Lapid

Most Insensitive: Philippine Daily Inquirer (Demetrio Vicente Photo)
Most Intense Moment: Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre vs. Senator Santiago

Hairstyle (Female): Atty. Karen Jimeno
Hairstyle (Male): Cong. Miro Quimbo
Worst Hair: Cong. Toby Tiangco
Twitter Trending King: Sen. Lito Lapid

Best In Terno: Cong. Marlyn Primicias-Agabas

Impeachment Stunner: Atty. Macel Jimenez

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

SIZZLING SUMMER

THE SIZZLING WEATHER is almost unbearable. It’s stressful. It causes discomfort. It’s irritable. It makes you angry. It frustrates you. Probably, the same feeling you get when you lose your hacienda to the farmers, or when the media hounds you and your girlfriend.

You know it’s hot outside when… Chinese fishermen refuse to leave Philippine waters.

You know it’s really hot outside when… Sen. Manny Villar decides to bathe in a sea of garbage.

And you know it’s extremely hot outside when… people go to the House of Representatives just to stand next to something shady.

Metro Weather
According to PAGASA, the temperature in Metro Manila reached 36.2 degrees Celsius this week. You know it’s really hot when the numbers are higher than Chief Justice Corona’s trust rating.

The good news is the weather bureau is monitoring a tropical cyclone near the Philippine Area of Responsibility. It could bring some rains if it enters the country. The bad news is just this morning, the Chinese declared that the tropical cyclone was theirs.

To prevent illness, the public is advised to avoid “hot places.” PAGASA says the hottest spots these days include buildings with cemented surfaces; areas near bodies of water, and Silverio Compound in Parañaque City..

Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

Ambushed!
Eleven government soldiers and a civilian were killed in an ambush staged by the Communist New People’s Army in Ifugao. Close aides of Communist leader Jose Maria Sison were like: “Burger! Burger! Burger!”

Twelve people were killed by Communist rebels in Ifugao. As “tradition” dictates, the Commission on Human Rights will absolutely do nothing.

Influential
According to Forbes, Manny Pacquiao is the world’s fourth most influential athlete today. And according to Kerygma, Pacquiao is now the country’s third most influential preacher.

Pacman & Jessica
Manny Pacquiao has a message for Fil-Am Jessica Sanchez who’s now in the Top 5 of American Idol. Pacman was quoted to have said, “You’re gonna win, I declare it in Jesus’ name.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of Jesus.

Metta World Peace
The Los Angeles Lakers’ Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace was suspended for seven games for his violent behavior inside the court. When he retires, Artest looks forward to seeking the mayoral post in Davao City.

Fiery
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.
—————————————-
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
~Russel Baker

You Have Spoken
Kung may dapat gawaran ng National Artist Award, sino sa tatlong ito ‘yon?
- Dolphy 86.43%
- Nora Aunor 7.14%
- Vilma Santos 6.43%

Have a safe, healthy and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE PRESIDENT AND THE MEDIA

IN A SPEECH during the Philippine Press Institute’s National Press Forum last Monday, April 23, 2012, President Aquino slammed the media for inaccurate and negative reporting. The Professional Heckler obtained the original draft of that fiery speech.

SPEECH OF HIS EXCELLENCY BENIGNO S. AQUINO III***
PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES
PHILIPPINE PRESS INSTITUTE’S 16TH NATIONAL PRESS FORUM
TRADERS HOTEL, MANILA
APRIL 23, 2012

Naalala ko pa ang kuwento ng aking yayang mahusay magluto ng paborito kong tostadong corned beef. Minsan raw ay nagpasya siyang maghanda ng adobong alimango. Dahil fresh at buhay ang mga nabili niyang alimango, nag-alala si yaya. “Paano kung tumalon palabas ng kaserola ang mga alimango?” Ngunit dahil wala naman siyang choice at gutom na rin kami ng aking mga kabaril-barilan ng time na ‘yon (opo, bata pa lang ako ay mahilig na ako sa baril), ibinuhos niya ang mga alimango sa kaserola. Nagtangkang tumakas ang ilang alimango ngunit dahil sa paghila pababa ng kapwa alimango, nabigo silang makaalis sa kaserolang may kumukulong tubig. Namatay ang mga alimango. Sa sobrang awa, umiyak ako secretly that same night.

Bata pa po ako nang marinig ang kwento ni yaya ngunit ang aral na napulot ko sa kwentong ‘yan ay hinding-hindi ko malilimutan. Tuwing nagbabasa ako ng diyaryo, nakikinig ng radyo, at nanonood ng telebisyon, naaalala ko ang mga alimango ni yaya. Huwag n’yo nang isalin sa Ingles ang “mga alimango ni yaya” dahil mahalay pakinggan.

Anyway, bakit ko ibinahagi sa inyo ang kwento ng alimango? Simple lang naman: Marami sa mga miyembro ng local media ang utak-alimango. Sa halip na isapubliko ang kapuri-puring mga nagawa ng pamahalaan, mas pinipili pa nilang ibandera ang mga negatibong balita. Gusto kong maniwalang The Daily Tribune, Manila Standard, at Manila Times lang ang saksakan nang nega. Ngunit hindi pala.

Bibigyan ko kayo ng ilang halimbawa. Sa Twitter, isang talunang vice presidential candidate ang nag-tweet na namasyal daw kami ni Grace Lee sa Promenade, Greenhills isang katanghaliang tapat. Ni-retweet agad ito ng mga tsismoso, mga atat, at mga intrigero. Ang nakakalungkot, isang TV station ang nagbalita kaagad ng paglalamyerda ko raw. Por Diyos por santo, mula alas-diyes ng umaga hanggang alas kuwatro ng hapon ay dumudugo na ang ilong ko habang ka-miting ang NEDA board upang magsuri at mag-apruba ng mga proyekto, paano ako makakapamasyal? Worse, sa Greenhills pa raw?!? Kung inyong babalikan ang history ng mga date ko, never akong nag-Greenhills. Either sa Shangri-la, Greenbelt 3 or 5 (ang Greenbelt 1 ay masyado nang masa) o kaya ay sa Serendra kami pumupunta.

At bakit naman ‘di ako maiinis? ‘Yong TV station na naglabas ng balita ay may reporter sa palasyo. Parang nananadya eh. Ano ba naman ‘yong iverify muna kung umalis ba talaga ang aking sasakyan sa Malacañang? Sa halip na mag-imbestiga muna, bumabanat na agad sila. Mabuti na lamang at very active sa Twitter si Atty. Edwin Lacierda. Kaagad niyang pinatulan itinama ang walang basehang balita.

May mensahe nga pala ako sa defeated vice presidential candidate na nag-tweet ng maling impormasyon. Dude, nami-mersonal ka! Dahil ba ika’y La Salle at ako naman ay Ateneo? Dahil ba Kapatid ka at Kapamilya ako? Dahil ba mestizo ka at Chinito Pinoy ako? Unfair eh. Unfair.

Nang magsalita ako sa energy summit sa Mindanao, naglatag ako ng mga posibleng solusyon sa black out sa rehiyon. Ngunit ano ang lumabas sa mga website at pahayagan? “Pacquiao gets the cold shoulder” “PNoy snubs Pacman” Gusto kong linawin at tapusin ang isyung ito. Walang isnabang nangyari. To be liberal about it, binasa ko lang kung ano ang nakasulat sa teleprompter.

Mahigit siyamnapung libong kabataan ang kikita ngayong summer sa Expanded Government Internship Program ng DSWD. Subalit ano ang mas pinagtutuunan ng media? Ang pagbubuntis ni Katrina; ang away nina Amalia at Annabelle Rama, at ang demandahang Cristine Reyes at Ara Mina.

Isipin na lang po natin ang epekto nito. May kakilala po akong magbabalik-bayan sana. Ngunit nagdadalawang-isip na siyang umuwi nang mapanood sa The Filipino Channel ang nagaganap na karahasan sa bansa. Pinayuhan ko siyang mag-subscribe instead sa GMA Pinoy TV kaya lang kalaban pala ‘yon, ‘wag na lang.

Mantakin po ninyo: Noong Pebrero, mahigit 411,000 ang turistang dumalaw sa ating bansa. First time po ‘yan sa kasaysayan ng turismo ng Pilipinas. Ang target natin ay sampung milyong turista sa taong 2016. Isipin na lang po natin kung gaano kabilis maaabot ang target na iyan kung mas mangingibabaw ang positibong balita tungkol sa Pilipinas, kaysa uunahin ang negatibismo? Paulit-ulit na lang ako. Sino bang sumulat ng speech na ito?

Naaalala pa ba ninyo ang carnapper na si Raymond Dominguez? Noong kasagsagan ng carnapping with murder incidents, banner headline sa mga pahayagan ang nagawang krimen ni Dominguez. Pati nga si Katrina Paula (by the way, sexy siya), may interview pa.

Last week, nahatulan si Dominguez na makulong ng hanggang tatlumpung taon. Pero nasaan ang balita? Nasa inside pages, nasa metro section na nilalampasan lang ng mga readers ng diyaryo. Wala pang dalawang taon, may desisyon na ang kaso. Gano’n kabilis! Pero may pumuri ba sa hukom? Wala! (Alam kong promotor ako ng pagbatikos sa hudikatura pero sabi nga, “Do as I say, not as I do.”)

Ayon din po sa estadistika ng ating kapulisan, bumaba ng 59.4 percent ang insidente ng carnapping sa taong 2011. But what made the news instead?
“Aquino’s rating drops”
“Fuel price increases pull Aquino down”
“Aquino’s public satisfaction rating plummets”

Bastusan na talaga!

Noong nakaraang linggo, headline sa isang website: “PNoy, Grace Lee break up.” Nagmula raw ang balita sa tatlong sources na napakalapit sa akin. At sabi pa sa artikulo, “confirmed.” Natatawa na lang ako. Pati ba naman sa aking love life, nangingibabaw pa rin ang pagiging negatibo ng media? Meron bang break na nagdi-dinner pa sa Greenbelt? Meron bang hiwalay na nag-uusap ng at least five hours every day? Meron bang break na nagti-text ng sweet nothings kada oras? Titigan n’yo ako. Ito ba ang hitsura ng lalaking kaka-break lang sa kasintahan? Kung break na kami ni Grace, bakit inspired pa rin akong magtrabaho? So, please… give me a break!

Baka naman sabihin n’yong masyado ko kayong pinag-iinitan. Baka isipin n’yo, ‘yong butas lang ng doughnut ang palagi kong nakikita at napagdidiskitahan. Hindi po. Sa katunayan, may mga nasulat din naman kayong kapuri-puri. Narito ang ilang halimbawa:

63% of Pinoys believe Corona has hidden wealth

Court denies Gloria Arroyo’s plea to go to hometown for voter registration

Corona caught in a corner

Gloria Arroyo’s suspension sought

Corona rating worsens

People power to unseat Corona

There’s the Rub by Conrado De Quiros

Corona rating down to new low, says survey

Magandang ehemplo ang mga ganitong klaseng headlines. Ang mga tulad nito ay sumasalamin sa patas at walang pinapanigang pamamahayag. Keep it up.

Naniniwala po akong iisa ang bangkang sinasakyan ng bawat Pilipino, at lahat ng Pilipino ay may tungkuling makisagwan upang maabot natin ang ating mga pangarap. This is not a threat pero sabi nga ni George W. Bush, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Kung magpupunla po tayo ng pagdududa sa publiko, paghihirap ang idudulot nito. Ngunit kung pag-asa ang ating itatanim, kasaganahan naman ang ating aanihin.

No to negativism!
Think positive!

(‘Wag kayong mag-alala. Hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit sa media. After all, my favorite sister is the ‘Queen of All Media.’)

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang mamamahayag na Pilipino!

Postscript:
Lumabas na po ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema sa Hacienda Luisita. Sa botong 14-0, iniutos ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman sa aming pamilya na ipamahagi ang aming lupain. Hindi ko sinasabing huwag n’yong gawing banner headline ang balitang ‘yan. What I’m just saying is, that’s a piece of bad news. Maging positibo. Iwaksi ang negatibismo! Muli, maraming salamat sa inyong lahat!

***Purportedly, the first draft of the speech.
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“Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

You Have Spoken
Pabor ba kayong gumamit ng prepaid power (electricity)?
- Why not? Para makatipid. 35.68%
- No way. 29.52%
- Pag-aaralan ko muna. 34.8%

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HELL

CATHOLIC PRIEST Catalino Arevalo, a known ally of President Aquino admonished Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago in a sermon Sunday saying she could be “worthy of the fires of hell.” Arevalo is now being considered for the post of spiritual adviser to the prosecution panel.

Fr. Catalino Arevalo was quoted to have said that senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago was “worthy of the fires of hell.” Congressman Niel Tupas disagreed. For the prosecution, Santiago was ‘the’ hell.

As expected, the feisty senator retaliated. Citing the Second Vatican Council, Senator Santiago said “there is no hell.” To which, victims of pedophile priests said, “Believe us, there is. We’ve experienced it.”

Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Fr. Catalino Arevalo said Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago should apologize for berating the prosecution panel. Santiago insisted that she would never ever apologize for someone else’s idiocy.

A miffed Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago reacted to Fr. Catalino Arevalo’s statement that she’s ‘worthy of the fires of hell.’ The lady senator reminded Arevalo that “the Constitution provides for a wall of separation between the church” and her mental state.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, Afghanistan is still the most dangerous place in the world today followed by Iraq. In third place is Los Baños, Laguna.

Less than a year after the rape-slay of a UP Los Baños coed, another UPLB student – entomology major Ray Bernard Peñaranda fell prey to criminals. He was stabbed and killed during a holdup. The Los Baños community has condemned the spate of killings in the once quiet town. A 300,000-peso bounty is being offered for the capture of Peñaranda’s assailants. Another 300,000-peso reward has been put up for any information on the whereabouts of town mayor Anthony Genuino.

Ray Bernard Peñaranda, the slain UPLB student was not from Los Baños. Just like Los Baños Mayor Anthony Genuino.

While we’re on the topic, did you know that Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa is the concurrent anti-crime czar? Hindi halata.

Noy’s Picks
President Aquino named Wigberto Tañada, father of prosecution team spokesperson Erin Tañada as chairman and member of the board of directors of UCPB-CIIF Oil Mills Group. Likewise, President Aquino named Jorge L. Banal, father of Cong. Bolet Banal, also of the prosecution panel as acting member of the board of directors of Poro Point Management Corp. The rewards oath-taking happened Monday.

A New Car
Some 200 congressmen through a resolution asked the Budget Department to allocate funds for a more state-of-the-art presidential vehicle. Congressman Rudy Fariñas refused to sign the resolution saying, “medyo masama din kasi ang pagkakagawa.”

Focus
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says, “We are not bothered by the coup rumors. The administration is focused on the economy.” When did Renato Corona change his name to ‘economy?’

TV Patrol 25
Allow me to say ‘Happy birthday TV Patrol!’ The newscast just turned 25 years old. Ten more years and it is eligible to run for senator.

TV Patrol is the only newscast in the world being anchored by a former vice president and senator, a former congressman, and an ex-presidential girlfriend & former senator-turned-DOTC secretary’s wife. TV Patrol is like the government of television shows.

The longest running daily newscast, TV Patrol is now 25 years old. Or as Vicki Belo would say, “Pwede na!”

TV Patrol is now 25 years old. In Hollywood, that’s 127 Kim Kardashian marriages.
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“Hell doesn’t even exist. It’s all in our minds. We invented it as a warning to those who don’t live up to our standards.”
~S. Kaye Saunders

Quote of the Day
“Under Vatican 2, there is no hell. In theology, hell is not a geographical place, but is a metaphor for distance from God. That priest should spend his energy fighting pedophilia in the Catholic church, instead of meddling in politics & dividing parishioners.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago via @senmiriam on Twitter

Personal
Thank you very much to Madam Tony Atkinson of Davao City for your continued support.

Have a safe week everyone!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HORSES

BREAKING:
Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas says the prosecution panel in the Corona impeachment trial has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. But Tupas categorically denied rumors the decision was due to the panel’s low threshold for mockery.

The prosecution panel will no longer present evidence for Articles 1,4,5,6 and 8 – otherwise known as the ‘weakest allegations.’

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas announced they would present evidence to three Articles of Impeachment only. That’s 3 out of 8 or 37.5 percent. In school, that’s an F.

After 25 days of trial, the prosecution panel has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. And the defense panel was like, “Pucha naman, bakit biglaan? Ngangaragin n’yo kami eh.”

The prosecution will no longer present evidence. It’s Cuevas and company’s turn. Or as today’s youth would say, DoTA: Defense of the Ancients.

ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT AQUINO, his parents told him that horses were ‘created by God.” So when a teacher asked him to “make a horse” out of a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. He flunked the test. And was unanimously voted “Most Likely to Preserve Stubbornness ‘Til He’s 60.”

As a little boy, President Aquino believed his parents when they told him that only God can make a horse. So when he was instructed to create one using a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. To be fair to him, he was able to create a luxury car instead.

President Aquino flunked his kindergarten entrance test for refusing to create a horse using a three-piece puzzle. He insisted that “only God can make a horse.” Or as his fellow examinees would say, “palusot.”

In a related news, kindergarten is now mandatory in public schools starting June 2012. Parents are strongly advised to prepare their young children for school by telling them that not only God can make horses.

Fast forward to 2012, President Aquino was told that his dear friend, Pagcor Chair Bong Naguiat received bribes from a gambling tycoon. The president refused to believe it saying only the Arroyos and his political foes are capable of doing that.

Naguiat Cleared
A week after Malacañang cleared him of impropriety following reports he accepted perks from a gambling tycoon, embattled Pagcor chairman Cristino ‘Bong’ Naguiat was cleared by the House of Representatives. Another Wynn win for Naguiat!

Day 24
Prosecution spokesperson Miro Quimbo was quoted to have said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Luckily for the prosecution, Malacañang believes in the spirit of volunteerism.

Congressman Miro Quimbo said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Nope, Quimbo didn’t commit perjury. He’s not under oath.

INC Gathering
The influential religious sect Iglesia Ni Cristo will gather its flock Tuesday in what organizers described as a “Grand Evangelical Mission” or as political observers would say, “show of force.”

President Aquino will definitely ‘watch what happens’ tonight.

Castelo’s Jeep
Mr. Anti-Planking Solon strikes again. Quezon City Rep. Winnie Castelo recently filed House Bill 5850, which requires jeepney manufacturers to provide a standard seating space capacity of 357 millimeters or 14 inches per passenger. Castelo says the bill seeks to avoid passenger discomfort… the same feeling you get when you read his proposed measures.

In Entertainment
Martin Scorese’s ‘HUGO’ won five Oscars matching the haul of Best Picture winner ‘The Artist.’ It’s safe to say that ‘HUGO’ is a VICTOR.

Sen. Lito Lapid’s bet ‘The Artist’ won Best Picture. The senator likes silent films.

Michel Hazanavicius wins Best Director for ‘The Artist.’ He outScoredsese.

Christopher Plummer becomes the oldest actor to win an Oscar at age 82. There’s still hope for a PMPC trophy Kuya Germs!

Best Supporting Actor winner Christopher Plummer is 82. Or as Senator Loren Legarda would probably say, “Just perfect.”

‘The Descendants’ wins for Adapted Screenplay. At home, Pax and Maddox Jolie-Pitt were like, “That category sounds like us.”

Woody Allen wins for Best Original Screenplay for ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Coming in close second in the voting was Congressman Rey Umali.

Jean Dujardin wins Best Actor for ‘The Artist’ – to the utter disappointment of E.R. Ejercito who blamed Kris Aquino for openly campaigning for the French actor.

African-American Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress for ‘The Help.’ Had her co-actress Viola Davis won Best Actress for the same movie, it would have been a Black-to-Black victory.

Meryl Streep won Best Actress for ‘The Iron Lady.’ Meryl lynches competition earning her third Oscar trophy.

This just in: Best Actress nominee Glenn Close has denied reports she will seek damages from the Academy after her loss.

One of my favorite segments in the Oscars telecast is “In Memoriam” where they remember the departed. Yesterday, the Academy paid tribute to the likes of Whitney Houston, Elizabeth Taylor, Steve Jobs, and Charlie Sheen’s career.

‘Manila Kingpin: The Asiong Salonga Story’ won 8 trophies. ‘The Artist’won 5.  Wala lang.

WVG Retires
GMA 7′s senior vice president for entertainment Wilma V. Galvante has retired. There’s no truth to rumors that Galvante will be replaced by Annabelle Rama.
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“The winner’s edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent. The winner’s edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success.”
~ Dennis Waitley

Quotes of the Day
“Ang dami ninyong komentaryo sa senator-judges, kung mag-komentaryo kaya kami sa trial at sa inyong competence? In fact, about your mental sanity aber, gusto ninyo? I have evidence against a certain congressman when he testified here. ‘Wag ninyo akong pilitin, I can prove that he is lying under oath, be careful.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago scolding anew the prosecution panel

“You’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?”
~ 82-year-old actor Christopher Plummer to the Oscar statuette after winning Best Supporting Actor for the film ‘Beginners’ – his first Oscar win

Personal
Congratulations to the Western selection for winning the 2012 NBA All Stars. The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant also made history when he surpassed Michael Jordan’s All Stars scoring record. Woohoo!

Stay safe. Have a wonderful day!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXCLUSIVE! A LETTER FROM LLAMAS

A WEEK AFTER HE was photographed buying pirated DVDs, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas has reportedly sent an explanation letter to President Aquino. Here is the copy of that letter. Exclusive!

His Excellency Benigno Simeon C. Aquino III
President
Malacañan Palace
1610 JP Laurel St.
San Miguel, Manila

Pare Ko,

I guess you have been informed About Last Night. You know, Rumor Has It I purchased 2,000 pesos worth of pirated videos. Liar! Liar! Those reports were exaggerated. I only bought no more than 300. Ganito ang nangyari.

Monday, Se7en o’clock. It was Rush Hour. Grabe talaga ang Traffic. I was on The Road. Ayaw ko namang masayang ang oras sa kalye so I asked a Taxi Driver where I could kill time. Itinuro niya ang Circle C Mall sa Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. It was Closer than SM North Edsa kasi.

Pagdating sa Dulo, sinalubong ako ng mga vendors. Puro Segunda Mano pala ang tinda do’n. I really Wanted to buy some for the Little Children but something else caught my attention – DVDs! Sabi ko, Himala, hindi yata niri-raid ng Optical Media Board ang mall na ‘to.

Hindi mo naitatanong, movie buff ako. It was this Crazy, Stupid, Love for films that put me in Big Trouble! An editor/reporter from Bandera-Inquirer Saw me pala. Worse, nakunan niya ako habang bumibili! That was Proof! Can you Imagine That!? The next day, my photo was splashed all over The Paper. After the AK-47 controversy, ito naman!?? Ang Jologs ko! God… Why Me?

But then again, I realized, A Series of Unfortunate Events will not break me. Suportado ako ng Akbayan! Besides, Malacañang cannot say no to The Help that I offer.

Kay Dona Policar, ang editor ng Bandera, hmmpf, Look Who’s Talking?! Siguro, namimirata ka rin kaya andun ka sa mall na ’yon. Huwag na huwag lang magku-krus ang landas natin. I swear There Will Be Blood!

Kay Ronnie Rickets, Step Up your operation against piracy! Pati ako natutuksong bumili.

Sa aking mga kritiko, mauunawaan din n’yo ako Pagdating ng Panahon.

And to you my dear President, you’ve Got 2 Believe, I didn’t mean to Shame you. In fact, Kamakalawa, I returned to the mall upang ibalik ang DVD. When the vendors Saw me though, they Ran. The stalls were Gone In Sixty Seconds.

Ipagpatawad Mo mahal na Pangulo. Pangako, From Here to Eternity, ‘di na ako magiging Superbad.

Miss Na Miss Kita. Alam kong miss mo na rin ako. After all, we’re Friends With Benefits. Joooooke!

Hanggang Dito na Lamang at Maraming Salamat,

P.S.
Isikreto mo na lang ‘tong sulat na ‘to. Kung pwede lang, Burn After Reading.

BREAKING NEWS: President Aquino has replied to the letter of Secretary Llamas:

Bro,

Relaks Ka Lang… Sagot Kita.
Walang Iwanan… Peks Man!
Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo, please don’t Drag Me To Hell.

I Love You Man,
Noy
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“When you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.”
~Dan Heist

Day 9: The Impeachment Trial
Senator-judge Serge Osmeña says the prosecution panel has been really lazy. Tell us something we don’t know.

Vote Now
Please vote for the Prosecution Panel as 1 of the 7 New Wonders of the World. When you watch them kasi you’ll wonder: what the hell is happening? To vote, just key in  PP and send to 23718456 for all networks. Be careful when typing the number. That’s the order of the presentation of evidence.

Quote of the Day
“It seems I’ll be making some people very happy by being absent at the impeachment today. But I hope to get better and attend the trial soon.”
~Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Trivia
To those who do not follow me on Twitter: Last Monday, I tweeted some interesting facts about private prosecutor Joseph Joemer Perez. He was an alumnus of the award-winning ‘90s quiz show Battle of the Brains. Representing UP Diliman, he emerged as champion in 1998. Three years earlier, Joemer and classmate Paulo David Javier, representing San Jose Academy of Navotas won in the high school division.

Joemer was the Valedictorian of UP Law Class 2004. He placed 8th in the bar exams.

Who’s That Girl?
She’s always there. Who’s she?
Tell me your name
you’re lovely
Please tell me your name

Enjoy the rest of the week. Stay safe!

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READY TO RUMBLE

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona begins Monday, January 16. It’s make or break for President Aquino.

The House prosecution panel defied a Senate gag order by showing the media pieces of evidence against the Chief Justice before the trial proper. The panel headed by Niel Tupas insists it’s simply a question of right and wrong. They’re right, Corona’s wrong.

The House prosecution panel has 11 solon members plus 59 private lawyers. And I heard they’ll occupy the biggest room in the Senate building. The room will be marked, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes working for you.”

Impeachment prosecutors claim Chief Justice Renato Corona owns at least 45 condominium units and houses. But that’s nothing compared to President Aquino who owns the entire House of Representatives.

A member of the House prosecution panel wants Chief Justice Renato Corona to explain how he was able to acquire that huge number of properties. To be fair, congressmen would have ‘understood’ Corona if he had pork barrel.

Retired Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz visited the Chief Justice to give his support and “blessing.” The outspoken prelate believes the impeachment trial is a “political gimmick” with “no merit at all.” To which God said, “Labas ako d’yan huh!”

In a tweet, senator-judge Pia Cayetano, known for being a health buff says she’s “training” both her body and mind for long hours in preparation for the impeachment trial. Not to be outdone, Sen. Lito Lapid is reportedly preparing for the trial too – by getting more sleep.

Arroyo vs. Aquino
Apparently, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was able to write an ‘economic’ paper castigating the Aquino administration for ‘squandering’ the gains of previous governments, including hers. The paper’s working title was “Burnt Legacy.”

In a paper titled, “It’s the economy, student,” CGMA lambasted President Aquino for espousing the kind of politics that creates division rather than unity. And the President was like, “Hellooooo! Suarez and Lagman!”

Mrs. Arroyo also took a swipe at President Aquino’s alleged laid back work style saying, “There is no room for coming to work late and leaving early.” The President retorted, “Excuse me! That was soooo last year!”

In the same paper, Mrs. Arroyo trumpeted that “nearly nine out of 10 Filipinos had access to health insurance.” Tell that to Accenture employees!

A New Pacquiao
In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

According to Manny Pacquiao, he encountered God in a dream. He said he was in a forest when suddenly he heard a voice asking, “Why are you going away from me?” Either it was God or his son by ex-girlfriend Joanna Bacosa.

Ronald’s Back
More than a year after he was arrested in Hong Kong for illegal drug possession, former Ilocos Sur Representative Ronald Singson is a free man. When he arrived Saturday in Vigan, he was in high spirits.

Ronald Singson has completed serving time in prison. That’s the difference between him and Sen. Lito Lapid. Lapid cannot even finish a sentence.

Sociable
The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey showed that the Philippines was the world’s second best place for expats to ‘socialize’ and ‘make friends.’ Curiously, in first place was “on Makati Avenue or Burgos Street.”

Drug Den
In the last 14 days, a total of three shabu laboratories were discovered and raided in the upscale Ayala Alabang subdivision in Muntinlupa City. Before the first raid though, there was this tense moment as Ayala Alabang officials demanded a prescription from the raiding team.
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“Make Crime pay. Become a lawyer.”
~Will Rogers

Quotes of the Day
“Neither the President nor anyone else can truly expect to govern the next five years with nothing but a sorry mix of vilification, periodically recycled promises of action followed by lethargy, backed up by few if any results, and presumptuously encouraging gossip about one’s love life in which no one can possibly be interested. Given the electoral mandate that he enjoyed in 2010— the same size as mine in 2004, as predicted by every survey organization at that time—our people deserve more, and better, from him.”
~Former President Arroyo, “It’s the economy, student.”

“It’s a political manifesto masquerading as an economic paper presented in a press briefing disguised as a colloquium!”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda’s reaction to Mrs. Arroyo’s paper via his Twitter account @dawende

“Kaya kong ipagmalaki ‘yong asawa ko. Sa ginawa kong kalokohan bago ako nagbago, bilib ako sa asawa ko.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

DEAR SANTA/LOVE, GLORIA

FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be spending Christmas at the hospital. It’s the closest she could get to a ‘white Christmas.’

The court has reportedly allowed Mrs. Arroyo access to television. When she heard this, Leah Navarro offered to donate a Black and White TV.

The Arroyo family vowed to make it ‘Christmas as usual’ for the detained former president. There will be a salu-salo, a short program, and games. I heard that the Arroyo grandchildren really wanted to play ‘Trip to Jerusalem’ but the DOJ reminded them of an existing watch list order.

And believe it or not, those kids also wanted to do palo sebo. The former First Gentleman will provide the sebo.

Top 10 Christmas Wishes/Messages Sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus
(List forwarded to The Professional Heckler by Santa Claus himself)

No. 10:
Dear Santa,
Gusto kong makilala sina Valerie Concepcion at Francine Prieto. I want to personally thank them. Wala lang.
Little Gloria

No. 9:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ako makagalaw. Limitado ang aking kilos. Sa sitwasyon kong ito, nawa’y manatiling faithful ang asawa ko. Ilayo mo siya sa tukso.
Little Gloria

No. 8:
Dear Santa,
I hope maging stronger ang relasyon ni Secretary De Lima sa boyfriend niya. Kung pwede nga Santa, mag-asawa na siya para mabawasan ang pagiging moody niya na ako lagi ang biktima. Please.
Little Gloria

No. 7:
Dear Santa,
Makarma sana ang mga kongresistang isa-isang tumalikod sa akin. Mga oportunista! May araw din sila.
Little Gloria

No. 6:
Dear Santa,
Uy, Mareng Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, ‘musta ka na? Miss ko na kayo. Visit naman kayo rito sa VMMC. Wala akong cell kaya ‘di kita ma-text eh!
Little Gloria

(Sumagot si Santa: “Dear Little Gloria, Sa North Pole mo na-send ang iyong letter sa iyong doktora. Malayo kami sa St. Luke’s. Tanga! – Santa)

No. 5:
Dear Santa,
Pahabain mo pa ang buhay ni Father Joaquin Bernas. His insights have been very helpful.
Little Gloria

No. 4:
Dear Santa,
Patnubayan mo ang kalusugan ni Atty. Ferdie Topacio. Sa mga pagkakataong ako ay sad, napapatawa ako ng kanyang mga banat. Ilayo mo sa disgrasya ang kanyang mga bayag.
Little Gloria

No. 3:
Dear Santa,
Bahala ka na kay Rene Corona. Mabait na tao naman ‘yon. Maaasahan sa lahat ng oras. Paki-assist na lang sa impeachment.
Little Gloria

No. 2:
Dear Santa,
Hindi ko gusto ang inaasta ng Judge Mupas na ‘yon. I smell conviction. Kunin mo na s’ya.
Little Gloria

And the No. 1 Christmas wish/message sent by Mrs. Arroyo to Santa Claus…
Dear Santa,
Big favor naman. Nagpabili ako ng kahun-kahong pakete ng sigarilyo. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan para makaganti ako. Pakidala naman sa bahay ng pangulo. Thanks.
Little Gloria

CPP Anniversary
Founded on December 26, 1968, the Communist Party of the Philippines is celebrating its anniversary on Monday. Congratulations to the CPP for sustaining a 43-year-losing streak.

Palparan on the Run
The hunt is on for retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. Immigration personnel have been alerted for a possible passenger whose face will be partly covered by a camouflage scarf.

MMFF
Kris Aquino says her film fest entry ‘Segunda Mano’ will keep moviegoers on the edge of their seats; feeling nervous because of uncertainty. Apparently, the film was inspired by the Aquino government.

I intend to watch Kris Aquino’s movie ‘Segunda Mano.’ I wanna get scared and laugh at the same time.
—————————————————————————————————————-
“Revenge is a confession of pain.”
~Latin Proverb

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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VALERIE AND THE PRESIDENT

SUNDAY. As Northern Mindanao reels from one of the worst flooding in decades, people on Twitter curiously asked the whereabouts of President Aquino. And then at around 10PM, actress/TV host Valerie Concepcion tweeted this:

Reacting to the RTd tweet, Usec. Manolo Quezon of the Communications Group said the PSG event happened last December 10. But when told that Valerie’s tweet was fresh, he replied: “confirming.”

Asked if the ‘PNoy’ she tweeted about was ‘PNoy the President,’ Valerie said:

When the President started drawing flak because of her tweet, Valerie posted:
I just want to clarify that I was invited to perform at Malacañang’s Christmas Party for their employees with their husbands/wives and kids. Yes, the president attended the gathering. I do not see anything wrong with that since its his obligation and responsibility being the head of Malacañang to be present and show his support for his hardworking employees and their respective families. But I believe that it doesn’t mean that the president is not thinking of ways to help our kababayan(s) in Mindanao. It doesn’t mean that the president is disregarding the plight of our fellow Filipinos. Let’s not be too quick to judge. But if I, in any way, offended you guys and sounded insensitive, I am very sorry. It wasn’t my intention to do either. I can’t imagine how difficult life is for the people affected in Mindanao and how difficult it is to be the president of the Philippines at this moment. Once again, I am very sorry for all those people I have offended. May God bless us all.

Oh dear, you didn’t have to apologize on behalf of the President. Unless you wanted to be part of his Communications Group. No one was blaming you after all. No harm done Valerie. You did great.

Tabloids!
Tabloid Headline: Malacañang wala raw alam sa kudeta vs. Enrile
> Wala rin daw silang alam sa impeachment ni Corona

Tabloid Headline: Ate Guy hindi sinipot ni Erap
> Saan? Sa inuman?

Tabloid Headline: Mag-utol na Tiangco namigay ng bahay
> Ang catch, sa gate ng bahay may malaking sign: ‘Constructed through the initiative of… ‘

Tabloid Headline: Governor ER Ejercito, nagsawa sa kakahalik kay Carla
Tabloid Headline: Governor ER galit kay Mother Lily
Tabloid Headline: Governor ER ipapaubaya sa abogado ang problema kay Direk Tikoy Aguiluz
> Spell PROMO.

Tabloid Headline: P100 milyong suhol ibinuking ni Abalos
> When it comes to bribes, you gotta trust this guy

Tabloid Headline: Apat na miyembro ng pamilya, nalason sa burger
> “Baka pati ‘yan ibintang sa akin!?” – Abalos

Tabloid Headline: Pinoy nakatakdang ibitay sa Saudi
> Ibitay? Parang may mali sa iverb na ‘yon.

Tabloid Headline: Lumuhod na walang belo, bading inaresto
> Eh kung may belo, ‘di siya aarestuhin?

Tabloid Headline: Bangkay ng lalaki, ibinitin sa poste
> Double dead.

Tabloid Headline: Mayor, naglabas ng ari sa eroplano
> Snake on a plane!
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“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou

Northern Mindanao Needs Us
How to donate, volunteer for Sendong victims

Have a great week ahead! Stay safe people!

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CONGRESS, CORONA, KOBE

TWO DAYS AFTER the Lower House voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona, President Aquino partied with the congressmen at the House of Representatives. The mood was festive. It just got a little awkward when the solons started shouting, “Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!”

President Aquino had fun partying with congressmen on Wednesday night. He even performed his favorite Freddie Aguilar hit, ‘Estudyante Blues.’ You know, that song that goes, “Si Gloria’ng nakikita, Si Gloria’ng nasisisi, si Si Gloria’ng laging may kasalanan.”

Congressmen had a blast at the Lower House’ Christmas Party last Wednesday. Aside from live performances, the solons participated in a variety of fun contests. In the game called “Trip to Jerusalem,” Batangas Rep. Hermilando Mandanas lost a chair.

Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco refused to join the games. He complained that the game masters did not allow him to read the mechanics.

Rating
In the latest Pulse Asia survey, President Aquino got an approval rating of 72. In high school, that’s an F.

Truce
President Aquino has declared an 18-day holiday ceasefire with the New People’s Army. For a moment, Chief Justice Renato Corona wished he was a Communist.

Corona Retaliates
Despite Malacañang’s relentless attacks, Chief Justice Renato Corona said he would not resign. According to Corona, “Handang-handa akong humarap sa paglilitis.” Take that Merceditas Gutierrez!

In his speech Wednesday, Chief Justice Corona used strong words like “diktadurya,” “kasakiman,” and “pambabastos.” The President just laughed off the tirade. But when Corona said, “Mapalad po ako na mayroon akong isang mabait at matatag na kasama sa buhay, na siya ring pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at inspirasyon. Mahal na mahal kita, Tina.” – the president protested, “That’s way out of line! Wala namang personalan.”

Multiple Missus
Veteran journalist Marites Dañguilan Vitug revealed that Chief Justice Renato Corona’s wife Cristina once held five positions all at the same time at Camp John Hay in 2007: chairperson, president, chief executive officer, chief operating officer and board member. Mrs. Corona declined to react to the report while her four other personalities were unavailable for comment.

Hopeful
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, about 9 in 10 Filipinos are optimistic about 2012. The other one was Mrs. Arroyo.

The Proposal
A radio reporter proposed to his girlfriend in front of President Aquino during Thursday’s Christmas party of the Malacañang Press Corps. The radio reporter is now barred from covering Malacañang for insulting the Chief Executive.

Ateneo Dethroned
An update on the recently concluded Philippine Collegiate Champions League: The San Sebastian Stags dethroned defending champions Ateneo Blue Eagles, 73-67. President Aquino who is an Atenean allegedly quipped, “May iba namang coronang pwedeng mawala, bakit ‘yon pa?”

TIME’s Choice
‘The Protester’ has been named by TIME magazine as Person of the Year. Huh? Why them? There are more deserving people on Earth. I do not understand! This is unfair! This isn’t just right! I totally disagree! I demand a recount! I protest! Booooo!

Kobe and Vanessa
Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That’s equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.

NBA superstar Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa has reportedly filed for divorce. Vanessa believes Kobe has been unfaithful… again. And Krista Ranillo was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Vanessa Bryant is divorcing 5-time NBA champ Kobe Bryant. I am confident that Chief Justice Corona and the Supreme Court will issue a TRO soon.

Team Kobe says Vanessa and Kobe Bryant have been having marital problems of late. That explains why before today’s training, Kobe led the team’s Bible study session.
————————————————————————————–
“The ‘morality of compromise’ sounds contradictory. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an admission of defeat. Strong men don’t compromise, it is said, and principles should never be compromised.”
~Andrew Carnegie

You Have Spoken
Ano ang dapat maging sunod na hakbang ni Chief Justice Renato Corona?
- Resign! 38.41%
- Harapin ang trial sa Senado 52.25%
- Ewan. 9.34%

Merry Christmas! Happy weekend!

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PILIPINAS 2011

The largest crocodile, the smallest ex-president,
the nastiest feuds, the silliest spokespersons,
the best TV shows, the most overrated people,
the biggest shockers, and more.

Check out who made our list of 2011 newsmakers.

News Story of the Year:
The arrest of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Newsmaker of the Year:
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

Breakthrough Performance – Comedy:
Atty. Ferdie Topacio

Breakthrough Performance – Action:
Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte

Breakthrough Performance – Drama:
Ramona Bautista

Breakthrough Performance – Mystery:
Sen. Panfilo Lacson

Breakthrough Performance – Legal Drama:
Sec. Leila De Lima

Breakthrough Performance – Short Film (LGBT):
Atty. Midas Marquez

Breakthrough Performance – Adventure:
Christopher Lao

Excellence in Writing – Political Thriller:
Elena Bautista-Horn (Put the Little Girl to Sleep)

Excellence in Writing – Medical Drama:
Atty. Raul Lambino

Excellence in Writing – Romantic Comedy:
President Aquino

Most Daring Political Tweet of the Year:
Atty. Edwin Lacierda @dawende: “Noticed how Leftists are so onion-skinned? Tinawag lang (na) perjuicio ang strike, pumuputok ang butchi nila! Mahilig bumanat pero mga pikon pala.”

Most Outrageous Non-Political Tweets of the Year:
Cong. Jules Ledesma @julesled: “To hatid or notThat is the question. Whether tis not yet light tis perhaps my duty… Ulol gust molang rumonda charos. Ganun narin yon echos”

And another…. @julesled: “Dear antok eto doble bayad insomia natin sya­para saddam bukascyan hehe alam ko yaman yaya kandado ng kwarto la na ‘yun”

Everything 2011: The Top Five

Top 5 Shockers (Did anyone see that coming?)
- The arrest of former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
- The impeachment of Chief Justice Renato Corona
- The suicide of Angelo Reyes on President Aquino’s 51st birthday.
- The resignation of Sen. Miguel Zubiri
- KC Concepcion’s revelations on the sad state of her relationship with Piolo Pascual

Top 5 Feuds
- President Aquino and Secretary De Lima vs. Chief Justice Renato Corona and the Supreme Court

- Mayor Sara “The Davao Punch” Duterte vs. Court sheriff Abe Andres

- Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. leftist rallyists; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Harry Roque; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Ferdie Topacio; Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Cong. Edcel Lagman, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Elena Bautista-Horn, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Midas Marquez, etc.

- (tie) Cong. Mitos Magsaysay vs. Communication Group’s Ricky Carandang and Abigail Valte / Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay vs. DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo

- Willie Revillame vs. netizens, DSWD, MTRCB and CHR on the ‘Janjan macho dancing’ incident

Top 5 ‘Shut Up Ka Na Please!’
- Elena Bautista-Horn: “May mga nagsumbong po sa amin na mga nasa administrasyon ngayon na meron po silang masamang balakin. Meron sila ngayong ‘Operation Put the Little Girl to Sleep.’ Ni-report na po sa amin ‘yan.”
- Atty. Ferdinand Topacio: “Ipapatanggal ko ang itlog ko kapag ‘di bumalik ang mga Arroyo.”
- Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether they would admit it or not, the PISTON-led transport strike is a dud!”
- Bishop Teodoro Bacani: “’Tong same sex marriage, napapangitan talaga ako. Kadiri. Para tayong gaya gaya puto maya. Laban ito sa salita ng Diyos”
- Annabelle Rama: “Hoy tanga, tangengot, duwag, gusto mo sampalan na lang tayo? Hinahamon kita Nadia magpa-drug test ka! Kumikita ang mga bata, akala mo superstar, pinapa-release n’ya sa akin. Hoy manigas ka! Tanga! Hindi ko ire-release ang anak mo gago! Hina-hunting ka ng may-ari ng bahay hindi ka nagbabayad. Kinuha mo ‘yong mga kama nila, pati mga sofa nila, baboy ka!

Top 5 “That was fast!” Moments
- The impeachment of Chief Justice Renato Corona
- Judge Jesus Mupas’ issuance of an arrest order vs. CGMA
- The engagement of Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad and Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo
- Murder suspect Ramona Bautista’s flight to Turkey after being implicated in the murder of her brother
- The Year 2011. Parang kailan lang.

Top 5 ‘What the hell was that?’ Moments
- Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblo’s letter to then President Arroyo: “I hope you will never fail to give a brand new car which would serve as your birthday gift to me.”
- Brgy. Ayala Alabang’s ordinance requiring people who buy condoms to present a doctor’s prescription
- Batangas Governor Vima Santos and the provincial government’s proposal to erect a Hollwood-like structure on Taal Volcano Island
- QC Rep. Winnie Castelo and his Anti-Planking Act of 2011
- Bohol Rep. Rene Relampagos’ proposed measure seeking to name Edsa after former President Cory Aquino

Top 5 Negastarlets
- Mr. and Mrs. Jacinto and Erlinda Ligot
- Maria Ramona Bautista-Bülbüloğlu and Genelyn Magsaysay
- The SUV bishops
- AVE Party List Eulogio ‘Menopausal Bitch’ Magsaysay
- Cat killer Joseph Carlo Candare

Top 5 ‘Almost Famous’ a.k.a.The Andy Warhol Awardees
- Christopher Lao: “I should have been informed. Dapat ininform. ‘Yun lang ‘yun eh.”

- DPWH executives in the altered/Photoshopped image that was uploaded to the DPWH’s official Facebook Like Page

- James Soriano: “Filipino was the language of the streets: it was how you spoke to the tindera when you went to the tindahan, what you used to tell your katulong that you had an utos, and how you texted manong when you needed ‘sundo na.’”

- Amanda Coling: “”Still I have high regards for the Azkals. Sana they bring more glory to the country. Sana matapos na ang issue. But if not, sana justice will be served sa karapat-dapat.”

- The zodiac sign Ophiucus. Akala mo, maniniwala kami sa ‘yo? Ulol.

Top 5 “Bravo!” Moments
- COA Auditor Heidi Mendoza’s testimony on the alleged corruption in the AFP
- The MMDA’s anti-smoking campaign in Metro Manila
- The bayanihan spirit after the onslaught of several typhoons (Pedring, Onyok, Quiel, atbp)
- The Puerto Princesa Underground River as one of the New Seven Wonders of Nature
- Beauty queens Shamcey Supsup and Gwendoline Ruais win, and UP student Danica Magpantay named Ford Supermodel 2011

Top 5 ‘Wanted: Law & Order’ Situations
- The killing of 19 soldiers in Mindanao
- The bombing of a bus along Edsa-Buendia killing at least four and wounding 18. The bombers are still out there!
- The murder/suicide of two teenage males in SM Pampanga
- The brutal rape/murder of two university students: UPLB’s Given Grace Cebanico and Bicol University’s Laesybil Lim Almonacid
- Rampant carjacking (and murder) in early 2011

Top 5 Comebacks
- Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I learned to cook embotido, afritada, adobo, sinigang, and empanada with the help of Google.”
- Sec. Mar Roxas: From vice president-wannabe to chief of DOTC
- Lintang Bedol: “Hello! Kumusta kayo lahat?”
- Nora Aunor
- TV5. The station formerly known as the ‘fastest growing network’ is definitely back luring such bankable stars as the Megastar, the Superstar, and the Diamond Star. Isang ‘star’ na lang ang kulang. Si Star Querubin.

Top 5 Going, Going, Gone
- Former Sen. Migz Zubiri
- Former Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
- Those huge, sexy billboards in the metro
- President Aquino’s Porsche
- Friendster

Top 5 Superlatives
- NAIA, the world’s worst airport and the fifth most hated
- Lolong, the world’s largest crocodile
- Junrey Balawing, the world’s shortest man alive
- John Gabriel Pelias’ 1.016 GWA – the highest general weighted average achieved by a UP graduate in the last 63 years. He was a math major.
- World’s longest line of coins

Top 5 Favorite Pastime
- President Aquino’s love life-related quips, e.g. “Noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.”
- ABS-CBN’s ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’
- Annabelle Rama’s tweets, tantrums and tirades
- The Buzz’ KC Concepcion interview and Piolo Pascual’s sexuality
- Hilarious posers on Twitter, e.g. @superstarmarian, @ofacialdionisia, @krisaquinoSTD

Top 5  Overrated Things/People
- President Noynoy Aquino
- Ex-AFP bagman-turned-whistleblower George Rabusa
- Philippine Azkals
- Anne Curtis, the recording artist. As i tweeted the other night, ‘You can’t get away with it. Unless you’re Anne Curtis.’
- The blockbuster comedy ‘Praybeyt Benjamin.’ I want a refund.

Top 5 Sports Moments
- The Philippine Dragon Boat Federation’s successful stint in Florida, USA
- Kobe Bryant and the NBA selection vs. UAAP and PBA stars
- David Beckham and the LA Galaxy vs. Philippine Azkals
- Pinoy pugs rule: Manny Pacquiao, Nonito Donaire, Brian Viloria and Ana Julaton
- Gilas Pilipinas places fourth in the FIBA Asia

Top 5 Things on TV Newscasts that Make You Go, “WTF!”
- TV Patrol‘s inane poll question, e.g. (1) “Sa inyong palagay, dapat bang gumamit na lang ng Filipino si Shamcey Supsup sa pagsagot ng tanong sa Miss Universe pageant?” Why, what’s wrong with her English? (2) “Kailangan bang buwisan ang kontribusyon sa SSS, Pag-IBIG at GSIS?” Do you really expect people to say “Yes, feel na feel naming magbayad ng buwis!” Come on.

- Some of Lhar Santiago’s reports on 24Oras that are annoyingly pa-tweetums, e.g. (1) “Louise De Los Reyes malaki nga ba ang crush kay Alden Richards? (2) “Bea Binene extra-close daw ngayon kay Derrick Monasterio.” | WEHHHHH ANO NGAYON?

- The high-pitched Erwin Tulfo.  Galit ka?
- Pa-poging news items, e.g. reports on various events where names of TV executives are enumerated.
- Very minor stories branded as “exclusive.”

Top 5 Hiwalayan
- Sen. Chiz Escudero and wife, Christine Flores
- KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual
- Tim Cone and Alaska Milk
- Elena Bautista-Horn and logic/reason
- Jinkee Pacquiao and her original face

Top 5 TV Programs (2011)
- State of the Nation
- Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin
- News5 Debates: Hamon sa Pagbabago
- 100 Days to Heaven
- iJuander/Junior Master Chef

Top 5 Likeable (New) Personalities We See on TV
- Miss World First Princess Gwendoline Ruais (smart!)
- Tourism Secretary Ramon Jimenez
- News reporters Saleema Refran and Hadji Rieta
- YouTube discovery Maria Aragon
- Zia Quizon and her music

Top 5 Buzzwords/Catchphrases (Political)
- “All-out justice”
- Area of temporary stay
- Itlog ni Topacio
- Planking
- Occupy

Top 10 Buzzwords/Catchphrases (Non-political)
- Ikaw Na!/You Already!
- Think Before You Click
- Cyberbullying
- Havey/Waley!
- Malaswaaaa!
- Unkabogable
- Nganga!
- Agad-agad?
- “Ako, Budoy”
- Kapatid

Top 5 Photos of 2011: Click here.
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“Transmitted at the speed of light, all events on this planet are simultaneous. In the electric environment of information all events are simultaneous, there is no time or space separating events.”
~Marshall McLuhan

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TREMORS

… FOR DROPPING BY MY BLOG. To everyone who retweeted and shared “KC CONCEPCION: Unedited,” maraming salamat. The number of unique hits for that article was just insane. It shattered my blog’s personal record and eclipsed the popularity of these three posts:
1: Exclusive: Noynoy Interviews Kris;
2:Krissy/Manny (Kris Interviews Pacquiao), and
3: Exclusive: GMA Breaks Her Silence

Again, thank you so much and Merry Christmas!

IT’S ALREADY December – probably, the coldest month of the year. The only thing colder is Piolo Pascual’s treatment of KC Concepcion.

Third Party
ABSCBN News (or its marketing think tanks) reported that Maricar Reyes could be the third party in the recent breakup of KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual. KC was quick to deny the report and insisted that she and Maricar were just friends.

Now it can be told: KC Concepcion decided to call it quits with Piolo Pascual because the actor refused to support her latest advocacy: “Occupy KC.”

Republican Party
An Atlanta woman named Ginger White claims she had a 13-year extra-marital affair with Herman Cain, a Republican presidential candidate – or as Filipino voters would say, “sure winner.”

Herman Cain’s numbers are down. He now considers withdrawing from the presidential race and giving way to his good friend, Noynoy Gingrich.

Ginger White’s phone bill showed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain called and texted her 61 times. But Cain is convinced that the copy of the phone bill is bogus because it was printed on a letterhead of the Ateneo de Manila University and had the signature of Fr. Tito Caluag.

Reduced Rates
Text messaging rates are down. Reports say Smart, Sun, and Globe have decided to lower the rate of SMS from 1 peso to 80 centavos per text. This is definitely good news for all of us and for Herman Cain if he were Filipino.

Quake!
A magnitude-6 earthquake shook Luzon early Wednesday. Justice Secretary De Lima is now verifying a text message saying Gloria Arroyo was behind the tremor.

An earthquake with a magnitude of 6 shook Manila Wednesday morning. Motorists and traffic enforcers say they witnessed a miracle… Edsa moved!

Luzon was hit by an earthquake earlier today. Some people didn’t even notice the tremor but Hayden Kho Jr. says he’s 100% sure there had been one because he saw Vicky Belo’s face moved.

Best/Worst
A recent global survey showed that Vienna is the nicest place to live in the world… followed closely by the St. Luke’s Presidential Suite in Taguig City.

A global survey revealed that Vienna in Austria is the nicest place to live in the world. The worst is Baghdad although to be in Piolo Pascual’s place right now is also a challenge.

Mother at 11
An 11-year-old girl from Capiz gave birth to a baby boy at a hospital in Iloilo province. No additional details were given but young actor Albie Casiño has reportedly denied paternity.
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“There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.”
~Francis Bradley

Coming Soon: Lacierda vs. Archbishop Cruz?
“I would suggest to Bishop Cruz to be more prudent in his statement. He should read his Bible more often rather than…”
~Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda reacting to retired Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz’ statement that the Mendiola and Hacienda Luisita massacres should be reinvestigated

Quotes of the Day
“The reason I am continuing with the protest is I want to give honor and acknowledgment. Gusto kong pahalagahan lahat ng mga mahigit 14 million na mga tao na bumoto sa akin. Kinikilala ko ito, nagpapasalamat ako at hindi ko ito malilimutan. This is also my inspiration. That is what makes me set that disappointment aside and continue.”
~DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas on his electoral protest vs. Vice President Jejomar Binay

“This coupling goes farther than the kilig of romance: This love affair involved investments. When will the charades end … or is this part of an even much larger machinery oiling its wheels?”
~Director Joey Reyes on the KC-Piolo breakup

Personal
Thank you to the 2011 Philippine Blog Awards for the nomination. Bahala na si Batman.
Congratulations to the finalists!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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ALL OUT

TODAY’s BLOG POST is made possible by Dedo 19+ See the difference!

KRISSY: Hi Bimb!
BIMBY: Mama news time!
KRISSY: Did you see the report on the massacre of 19+ soldiers in Basilan Bimb?
BIMBY: What’s massacre mama?
KRISSY: Massacre. It’s when you attack the other side despite the ongoing peace talks and existing ceasefire. Kaya demoralized ang mga soldiers.
BIMBY: What’s demoralized mama?
KRISSY: Demoralized. It’s when the Commander in Chief prematurely berates the soldiers instead of condemning the atrocity committed by the rebels. Buti na lang kumambyo.
BIMBY: What’s kumambyo mama?
KRISSY: It’s when the Commander in Chief realizes his folly and softens on his ‘no all-out war’ stance.
BIMBY: What’s ‘all out war’ mama?
KRISSY: All out war. It’s when they step up their attack against the Arroyos but not against the MILF to achieve all out justice.
BIMBY: What’s MILF mama?

KRISSY: MILF? Depends on the context. Aha-ha-ha! Let’s not even go there Bimb. Drink your milk na.
BIMBY: I want to play first mama.
KRISSY: Gosh! Is that a toy gun Bimby? Get rid of that! Give that to me!
BIMBY: No mama. This is my ‘area of temporary stay.’ I can do whatever I want here mama.
KRISSY: Nakakaloka! May choice ba ako? Sige na nga, drink this milk na lang para you’ll grow up siksik.
BIMBY: What’s siksik mama?
KRISSY: Siksik… like your Tita Shawie.
BIMBY: You don’t really like her mama.
KRISSY: Whaaat??? That’s not true!
BIMBY: It’s true mama.
KRISSY: What are you talking about? Love, love, love ko si Sharon.
BIMBY: You’re so showbiz mama.
KRISSY: Stop it Bimb! Ipinapahamak mo ‘ko! Dedo 19+ See the difference!

PRESIDENT AQUINO wants intensified operations against Abu Sayyaf bandits – Mindanao’s “lawless elements.” By the way, the MILF has assumed responsibility for the ambush in Al-Barka, Basilan that killed 19 soldiers. So ano ‘yon, lawful?

According to the president, the government will not declare an all-out war against the Moro Islamic Liberation Front but “will pursue all-out justice” instead. You’ve been warned Abu Sayyaf!

The President has ordered the military to intensify its efforts to hunt down 10 Abu Sayyaf terrorists. The military is seeking the cooperation of Zamboanga Sibugay residents saying it’s really easy to spot these lawless elements. They’re armed, they’re dangerous, and they look like MILF rebels.

In a press briefing Monday night, AFP Chief of Staff Gen. Eduardo Oban Jr. said the military’s operation in Basilan (where 19 soldieres were killed) was targeting “lawless elements” – otherwise known as “i-so-wanted-to-identify-them-as-MILF-rebels-but-i-do-not-want-to-incur-the-ire-of-the-President-and-get-fired-too.”

Did you hear about the MILF’s ‘areas of temporary stay’ or ATS down South? Government soldiers cannot just make arrests inside the ATS. It’s like the MILF’s embassy in Mindanao.

President Aquino disclosed that the MILF is actually helping the military capture the Abu Sayyaf bandits. In totally unrelated news, the Bagong Alyansang Makabayan is helping the government capture NPA guerrillas.

No to all-out war. Yes to all-out justice. This, by far, is the Presidents’ second best all-out slogan.
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“The trouble with the laws these days is that criminals know their rights better than their wrongs.”
~Author Unknown

Photo of the Weak
Si Fergie lang ang may kaya!
(Photo tweeted to me by @VGFau)

Quotes of the Week
“We will not pursue all-out war; we will instead pursue all-out justice. All-out war is indiscriminate and borne out of danger. All-out justice is sober and fair; it is based on the rule of law, and leads to lasting peace.”
~President Noynoy Aquino

“Let’s not view this in the context of the peace negotiations. The massacre was a violation of the ceasefire.”
~Sen. Gringo Honasan

Elsewhere
Move.Ph: Fiasco in Basilan by Maria Ressa

In Entertainment
Young actors John Lloyd Cruz and Shaina Magdayao have reportedly called it quits. In other words, walang katotohanan ang tsismis na hindi sila “mapaghiwalay.”

Ruffa Gutierrez is being blamed for the breakup of Shaina and John Lloyd. In fact, Shaina has reportedly launched an all-out war against the actress.

Spread the love.
Peace everyone!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

iPerished

STEVEN PAUL JOBS
(February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011)

THE CO-FOUNDER OF APPLE is dead at 56. Another reminder that America is indeed in recession. The US just keeps losing JOBS.

Steve Jobs passed away on the same day Sarah Palin announced that she’s NOT seeking the Republican Party’s presidential nomination. In death, hope.

The family of Steve Jobs said the Apple co-founder “died peacefully.” It helped that Sarah Palin made that announcement while he was dying.

There were actually two deaths on the same night. RIP Steve Jobs. RIP Sarah Palin’s political career.

Steve Jobs succumbed to pancreatic cancer. Apparently, an apple a day did not keep the doctor away. May he rest in peace.

Steve Jobs’ death was announced by Apple. Nope, prior to the official announcement, there was no leak whatsoever.

The co-founder of Snapple is dead. I mean, Apple. Damn this autocorrect.

Steve Jobs is dead. This just in: St. Peter just announced that heaven will go digital soon.

Netizens have hailed Steve Jobs, the visionary, for thinking “different.” So the next time President Aquino decides NOT to visit typhoon-ravaged communities, do not oppose or criticize him. You could be interfering with a vision.

Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple is dead. Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang and his staff are deeply saddened by his passing. His Apple computers were a huge part of their lives.

Steve Jobs inspired people to think different, and to think ahead of others. Or as Vice President Binay would call it, “2016.”
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“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”
~Steve Jobs

Elsewhere
How to live before you die: Steve Jobs’ commencement address at Stanford University (2005)

Time: Technology’s Great Reinventor: Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

Have a safe weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.