ALAM MO NA! [Krissy For You, Super Mario atbp. Kwento]

20 09 2014

“NAKAKALOKA! Akala ako it was Ondoy all over again! Ganito ang nangyari Darla.

1KA
I slept at around 11:45PM last Thursday kasi nga it was starting to rain na and ‘bed weather’ talaga. Maaga namang natulog ang mga bagets ‘tsaka early ang taping ko the next day so I decided to sleep na rin. Paggising ko ng 7AM, gosh, it was still raining hard and flooded na raw ang Metro Manila. So I texted Darla to inform her na magpapatila lang ako nang konti. Pero naloka ako nang bonggang-bongga dahil 10 o’clock na, umuulan pa rin. And the news was like, grabe! It was baha na raw everywhere. Hindi ko kinaya si typhoon Mario! Walang tigil! Parang bibig ko lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Dahil stranded naman ang mga tao sa kani-kanilang mga bahay, at canceled ang taping namin, I decided to answer na lang the issues hounding me. Oo! Hounding me talaga. Bakit? Eh talaga namang maraming isyu about me eh. So sasagutin ko na lang here para matapos na.

But first, allow me to salute ABS-CBN News for this timely and relevant story. Promise, nakasalalay rito ang GNP growth ng Pilipinas sa susunod na quarter. Ito ‘yon.

1BUL

He’s so kawawa. I mean, look at those eyes. I can’t imagine myself inside that car for 11 hours. It’s so matagal! If I were him, I would have probably died. Kawawa naman si Bimby ‘tsaka si Josh. ‘Tapos wala nang magtatatanggol kay Kuya Noy. I can’t even. As in! So, to that boy in the car, if you’re reading this, I hope you got home safely. Winner ka huh! Na-news ka pa!

Wait! Gusto nga raw palang mag-hi ng mga taga-Tatalon, Quezon City.

1
Moving on… last Thursday, I was invited by Tito Jojo Binay sa PICC for his speech. You know naman, I’m really close to his daughter Anne. And the Binays are loyal to my mom. Alam mo na! Kaya lang, I thought baka magalit sa akin si Kuya Noy at sabihan na naman ako, “Kristina, ‘wag ka na sabing makialam sa pulitika. Cough. Cough. Cough.” Aha-ha-ha As if naman makokontrol niya akong magsalita ‘di ba? Anyway, nagsabi ako kay Tito Jojo na ‘di ako makakarating. Buti na lang, nando’n sina Tito Butz, Tito Peping at Tita Tingting so keri lang na wala ako. Well-represented naman ang both sides ng family so bongga!

Sa mga nagtatanong kung anong stand ko sa corruption issue against the Binays… ito lang ang masasabi ko: Care bears! Ang importante, we support each other at tumatanaw kami ng utang na loob sa isa’t isa. Besides, Tito Jojo is an action man! Last Friday nga, siya ang unang nag-distribute ng relief goods sa mga typhoon victims. Hindi nagsisinungaling ang evidence. Look!

1InaAndolong

Overpriced din kaya ang eco-bag? Joooke! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, I’d like to thank nga pala Nancy for the cake and silvanas she sent last night. Naloka naman ako sa sobrang taas ng cake mo! Eleven tiers talaga?!? World class?!? Sa sobrang taas ng cake, chineck ko tuloy kung may elevator. Aha-ha-ha You’re so sweet. Love na kitaaaa!

1KH
I’m so happy right now kasi Boy is so back. He lost a few pounds pero keri lang. Lalo ko siyang na-appreciate, promise. Sana na-appreciate din niya ang gift kong Hummer. At sa mga bumabatikos sa akin for announcing it to the world, mamatay kayo sa inggit haters! I mean, it’s just a Hummer, you know. What’s wrong with spending a few millions for a dear friend? Pinaghirapan ko ang perang ‘yon at hindi ninakaw. ‘Tsaka it’s not the first time na nagbigay ako ng sasakyan sa kaibigan. Hellllo! May donor’s tax pa ‘yan! I’ll pay for it so may kontribusyon na naman ako sa government! Kaya pleaaaaase, enough of the inggit and bitterness. Hellllllo!

Speaking of nakaw, laugh ako nang laugh sa kumakalat ngayong pic sa Facebook. May nakawala raw senador sa kulungan! Ayokong sabihin kung sino sa kanilang tatlo. Bahala na kayong mag-decide. Aha-ha-ha!

1FBpig
Gusto ko nga palang i-clarify ang lumabas na blind item sa column ni Tito Ricky Lo. The impression that I got was HP daw ako these days because of Toni Rose Gayda’s ex-husband Moonie Lim. Kasi naman post ako nang post ng pictures ng flowers na ipinapadala niya. So feeling ko tuloy, umasa siya. Can I just be honest? Hindi ko s’ya type. Sorry. Basta. I need not explain. You know naman my exes: Alvin, Philip, Joey, and James. Ayaw ko nang mag-elaborate. Refer na lang to this infographic. Aha-ha-ha.

Sa mga bashers na madalas akong sabihang malanding-malandi at sabik na sabik sa lalaki… this time, MALING-MALI kayo. OA naman ‘yong “sabik na sabik!” Sabik lang! Aha-ha-ha No, seriously, kuntento na ako sa kung anumang meron ako ngayon. Pero sana balikan ako ni Mayor Herbert. Promise!

Before I end, somebody’s asking nga pala kung ano raw ang masasabi ko sa paglusong ni Korina sa baha at pagsakay niya sa pedicab while reporting. NR! I’ve seen that padyak before. ‘Tsaka ayokong maging plastic ‘no! NoyBi kami forever. Unless… magpadala ng 15-tiered cake si Ate Koring – with world-class escalator. Aha-ha-ha!

1KS

Abangan n’yo nga pala ang sequel sa blockbuster movie kong ‘Feng Shui’ – ito po ang official entry ko sa Metro Manila Scream Festival. Hoy! ‘Wag n’yong maliitin ang project kong ‘to! Ang laki ng hirap ko rito! Bawat eksena, tumitili talaga ako. Mapa-drama, aksyon, comedy o intimate scenes, scream pa rin ako nang scream. Kaloka! Aha-ha-ha! SANDALI. O, Yaya, ba’t nand’yan ka?

Ma’am Krissy, may dumating pong flowers. Galing yata sa buylit n’yo. Hihihi

Gaga! Boylet!!! Sige, susunod na ako. O, I have to go na. Will take photos pa of the flowers para ma-post ko sa Instagram. Alam mo na! Love! Love! Love! Aha-ha-ha!”
—————————————————————————
“Thirst for attention is a cry of loneliness.”
~Toba Beta

Sound Bites
“Mga kababayan, mga kapwa ko Pilipino, sama-sama tayong lalaban sa kahirapan. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa pagdurusa na hinaharap natin araw-araw. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa takot na dulot ng kriminalidad. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa walang tigil na pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa problema ng ating mga kabataan Walang atrasan. Lalaban tayo para gumanda at guminhawa ang buhay ng bawat Pilipino.”
~Vice President Jejomar Binay, 9.18.2014

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dane Alegana/Kris, ABS-CBN News, GMA News, @InaAndolong-News9, Kris Aquino IG, Girlie Rodis-@ShowbizManila]





LEAKED: SONA 2014 [EXCLUSIVE!]

25 07 2014

A PURPORTED DRAFT of President Aquino’s fifth State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech.

1INC

State of the Nation Address
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
To the Congress of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City, on July 28, 2014]

“Naniniwala po ako sa kasabihang, ‘Ang pagsasabi ng tapat ay pagsasama ng maluwat.’ Kaya’t bago po ako magsimula, magtapatan na po tayo. Lahat ng may yellow ribbon sa kanilang suot, pumuwesto po kayo sa gawing kanan. ‘Yon naman pong wala, sa gawing kaliwa. Maraming salamat po.”

“Malinaw pong SONA ang matutunghayan n’yo ngayong hapon. Wala kaming in-advertise na laro o exhibition. Kung hindi n’yo po magugustuhan ang inyong maririnig, huwag umasa ng refund. Batasan po ang inyong pinuntahan, hindi Araneta Coliseum.” [Applause]

“Ito po ang aking ikalimang SONA, isa na lamang ang natitira. Sa mga taong hindi makahintay sa pagtatapos ng aking termino, relax lang po kayo. Huwag masyadong atat na makapuwesto. Sana’y nanonood ka pareng Toby Tiangco.”

“Ramdam na ramdam na po natin ang paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Pampubliko o pribadong sektor man, kitang-kita ang kaunlaran. Sa Makati City nga po, parking building pa lang, 1.56 billion pesos na ang halaga. [Applause] At sinong hindi mapapanganga sa bagong Philippine Arena? Pang-Guinness talaga! [Applause]

“Hindi po kaila sa inyo na matibay ang aking paninindigan sa DAP at ipagtatanggol ko ito hanggang sa abot ng aking makakaya. Dahil d’yan, effective last Friday, ako na po ang concurrent Secretary of Defense.” [Applause]

“Uulitin ko po. Mabuti ang DAP at maraming natulungan ang programang ito. Sa katunayan, kahit ho ‘yong pinakamatitindi kong kritiko, nakinabang dito. Tanungin n’yo pa si Bayan Muna Representative Neri Colmenares.” [Applause]

00
“Nang ako po ay iluklok ng aking mga “boss” sa Malacañang, nangako po tayong lalabanan natin ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan. Tinupad po natin ang pangakong ‘yan. Sa sandaling ito, mangyari po lamang na ituon ang inyong atensyon sa LED wall sa gawing kanan. Sa unang pagkakataon sa kasaysayan ng SONA sa Pilipinas, magkakaroon po tayo ng live feed mula sa PNP Custodial Center, PNP General Hospital at Fort Sto. Domingo.” [Applause]

“Unahin natin ang PNP Custodial Center. Senador Bong at Senador Jinggoy, alam kong naririnig n’yo ako. Pumasok kayo sa confession room.”

BONG: Hello po Kuya. Mabuti naman po at napadalaw kayo.
JINGGOY: May ipapagawa ka bang challenge sa amin Kuya?

“Bong, Jinggoy… ikinalulungkot kong sabihing hindi n’yo nagawa ang pinaka-importanteng challenge bilang mga halal na opisyal: ang magpaka-honest. Dahil d’yan, awtomatiko kayong nominated for conviction sa susunod na trial. Sanga pala, hindi ako si Kuya. Ako si Noynoy at live kayong napapanood sa Kongreso ngayon.” [Canned laughter/Applause]

“Ngayon naman ay makikita n’yo ang live feed mula sa PNP General Hospital. Kung inyong mapapansin, parang natutulog lang si Senator Enrile. Huwag na nating gambalain ang matanda; respeto na lang. Ipasok naman natin ang live feed mula sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Hayan… makikita natin sa screen ang isang lalaki at isang babaeng magkapatong. TURN THAT OFF! ANONG KAHALAYAN ‘YAN?! [Collective gasp] Pasensya na po mga boss. Ngayon nga pala ang scheduled visit ni Mr. Jaime Napoles kay Mrs. Janet Lim-Napoles. Sorry po!”

1IM
“Moving on… may mga nagtatanong nga po lagi sa akin: Paano na sa 2016? Paano ‘pag wala ka na? Tapos na rin ba ang tuwid na daan? Babalik na ba ang KADILIMAN? Hindi ko po sasagutin ‘yan. Ayaw ko pong maakusahang racist ni Manong Jojo Binay.”

“Katulad ng aking sinabi sa inauguration ng Philippine Arena noong nakaraang linggo… pairalin natin ang pagmamahalan sa halip na pagsisiraan na nauuwi sa pagkakawatak-watak. Kung nais n’yo pong ‘mapalapit’ sa kapwa Pilipino, mag-MRT kayo.” [Applause]

“Napakahalaga po sa akin ng kalusugan ng mamamayang Pilipino. ‘Yan po ang dahilan kung bakit naglaan tayo ng 70 million pesos mula sa DAP para sa stem cell research program ng Lung Center of the Philippines. Priorities!” [Applause]

“Mataas po ang tingin ko sa mga empleyado ng pamahalaan. Malaki ang papel na ginagampanan nila sa paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Kung hindi ko man maibigay ang dagdag-suweldong hinihingi nila, babawi na lang ako sa pagbibigay sa kanila ng sapat na pahinga. Kaya ngayong 2015, halos dalawampu ang non-working holidays!” [Applause]

“Likas ang pagiging masipag ng mga Pilipino. Multi-tasker nga raw ang mga Pinoy. Isa sa mga buhay na patotoo ang kasamahan natin sa Kongreso: lawmaker, boxer, preacher, singer, actor, TV host, at ngayon ay basketball coach. Ikaw na talaga Cong. Manny Pacquiao!” [Applause]

“Sa mga pribadong tanggapan naman, hindi rin maikakaila ang sipag ng mga empleyado. Maging mga broadcasters, rumaraket na rin sa tanggapan ng gobyerno. Isumbong Mo Kay… joke lang. Ayaw kong ma-libelo!” [Canned laughter]

“Nitong nakaraang linggo, nilagdaan ko ang R.A. 10643 o “An Act to Effectively Instill Health Consciousness through Graphic Health Warnings on Tobacco Products.” Whatever!

1INC
“Kitang-kita rin natin ang progreso sa larangan ng enerhiya. Kung sa termino ng aking namayapang ina ay walong oras ang brownout, ngayon ay tatlong oras na lamang. Palakpakan po natin si Secretary Ikot Petilla.” [Applause]

“Iwaksi po natin ang negatibo at mag-focus sa positibo. The glass is half-full not half-empty. Wala mang power supply, bababa naman ang bayad sa kuryente. Now na!” [Applause]

“Noong nakalipas na taon, pinuri tayo ng international community dahil sa nilagdaang kasunduan with the MILF na naglalayong makamit ang kapayapaan sa Mindanao. Sa mga susunod pong araw, kapayapaan pa rin ang aking tututukan: ang pakikipag-ayos sa Kataas-taasang Hukuman. I’ll try.” [Applause]

“Naging aktibo rin tayo sa kampanya laban sa pambu-bully ng Beijing sa mga teritoryong sakop ng Pilipinas. Pinatunayan natin sa China na hinding-hindi tayo susuko hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang segundo ng laban. Ang husay mo Paul Lee! Mabuhay ang Gilas Pilipinas! Puso!” [Applause]

“Ayon po sa survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia, mababa na raw ang aking mga grado. Hindi po ako nababahala. Mas mababa pa d’yan ang mga grado ko noon sa Ateneo.” [Applause]

“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF as illegal.” [Silence]

“Inuulit ko, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel as illegal. Ang hindi papalakpak, guilty.” [Applause]

1INC
“Kahapon, July 27, isinilang na ang pang-isandaang milyong Pilipino. Tama po ang narinig n’yo: umabot na sa 100 million ang mga Filipino. Sa mga pari at mga obispo, sana happy kayo!”

“Matagumpay po ang PNP sa paglaban nito sa kriminalidad at mga salot ng lipunan. Sa katunayan, kung dati ay naka-kotse ang mga kriminal, ngayon… naka-motorsiklo na lamang.” [Applause]

“Ipinagpatuloy din natin ang malawakang kampanya laban sa ipinagbabawal na droga. Sa mga kabataang nanonood ngayon, nais kong ipaalala sa inyo: walang buting maidudulot ang bawal na gamot! Itakwil n’yo ang droga kung gusto n’yong makatapos ng pag-aaral, makahanap ng trabaho, o maging National Artist in the future.” [Applause]

“Sa loob ng apat na taon kong panunungkulan, tunay ngang malaki na ang ipinagbago ng asal ng mga Pilipino. Iba na ang level of maturity nila ‘ika nga. Hindi na po ako lalayo. ‘Yong kapatid kong si Kris, kapag nakikipag-break dati sa lalaki, umiiyak ‘yan sa harap ng TV. Ngayon, wala nang luha, wala nang galit, wala nang pagbabanta. Mali si Ms Nora Aunor! May himala!” [Applause]

“Sa aking inaugural address, atin pong ipinangako: walang kurapsyon, walang manlalamang, walang wangwang. At dahil nakatutok ako sa paglilingkod sa inyo… walang love life! Maraming salamat po!” [Applause]
———————————————————————–
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“Sa lahat ng mga gumising sa nagtutulug-tulugan, sa mga nagmulat sa mga nagbubulag-bulagan, sa mga kumalampag sa mga nagbibingi-bingihan: SONA po ninyo ito.”
~President Aquino, SONA 2013

Have a safe weekend everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Gov.Ph,Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Bam Aquino, Sovereign Independent Co.UK]





TWO-SENTENCE HORROR STORIES (PINOY VERSION)

19 07 2014

BASED ON recent events in the Philippines, this list was inspired by the viral two-sentence horror stories that originally appeared on Reddit.

1GG
1: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima called an emergency press conference today. Benhur Luy has been missing for 48 hours.

2: The new vice president is about to take his oath of office. Joseph Estrada has never been this proud of his son, Jinggoy.

3: The Sandiganbayan was left with no choice but to allow the transfer of Gigi Reyes to St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig. BJMP-appointed doctors say she’s been in labor for three hours and the baby’s not breathing.

4: It’s already 2014. The country is still experiencing brownouts.

5: President Aquino tells government lawyers to no longer pursue the motion for reconsideration against SC’s DAP ruling. Secretary Coloma tells reporters it’s just a joke.

6: In his homily, the bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. He’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Napoles.

7: The reporter is surrounded by sparkling diamonds, pearls, and luxury purses. It’s the annual SONA Red Carpet in Batasan Complex.

8: He entered the room and saw red, black, and blue. He panicked but it was too late to quit the brotherhood.

9: In the mock polls conducted Wednesday, Bongbong Marcos emerged as the students’ top pick for president. The mock election was held in Ateneo.

1mv
10: Bro. Mike Velarde and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the El Shaddai House on Friday. Dozens of politicians were present.

11: It’s a rainy, rush hour Friday payday. You’re aboard a passenger bus and couldn’t hold your pee any longer.

12: I have been waiting to be served in the crowded SSS office for almost four hours. When it was already my turn, the staff announced a 90-minute lunch break.

13: The traffic lights are working. A traffic enforcer emerges from the police outpost and decides to direct the traffic himself.

14: You died but was given another chance to “live.” You were resurrected as Janet Napoles’s vagina.

15: Miguel has an 8AM meeting in Makati and it’s already 7:30. The sea of people at the MRT North Avenue station makes him dizzy.

16: Within minutes, the heavy and continuous rains submerged streets in the metro. Classes were then suspended and students were advised to go home.

17: After a long bus ride from work, the starving office employee slumped into a chair. It was only Monday.

18: Miss Universe candidates are expected to arrive next week. The pageant is being held in Ukraine.

19: Star Cinema has released an extended trailer of its latest project – a heavy drama. Playing the role of twins in the movie is Kris Aquino.

And finally…
20: There are more than seven billion people on Earth today. You’re still loveless.

Worst Airport
A septic tank at the NAIA Terminal 1 overflowed Saturday releasing foul smell and causing a minor flood at the departure area. Malacañang immediately issued a very short statement: Shit happens.

Emotional
Lawyer Gigi Reyes who arrived at the Sandiganbayan in handcuffs Friday reportedly cried during her arraignment. But the emotional moment became awkward when the justices and everyone else in the courtroom applauded and gave her a standing ovation.
————————————————————————————–
“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.”
~ Stephen King

1MH17
Sound Bites
“It is kind of the world’s biggest crime scene right now.”
~ Michael Bociurkiw, spokesman of the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe describing the crash scene of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17

What have we become?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang, 620wtmj.com]





ILLICIT AFFAIRS, 2016 AND OTHER STORIES

28 06 2014

WE’RE HALFWAY through 2014 and in keeping with this blog’s tradition, I compiled some of my favorite posts from the first six months of the year. In case you missed them…
1ts
Enrile’s Affairs
Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie Monsod that her husband, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile had 38 different affairs. Yup, 38! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Upon her return, Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Untitled2016
Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Liberal Party stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

Malacañang clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

1.1 oBAMAPresidents
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

Criminals
Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

napolesSick
Janet Lim-Napoles was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Healing Priest
Newspaper reports revealed the alleged lavish lifestyle of popular “healing priest” Fernando Suarez. But Suarez has denied the allegation. The Inquirer reported that several bishops have shunned Suarez “because his healing ministry had turned out to be a moneymaking venture.” Apparently, the bishops hate competition.

1B
Flesh-Eating
#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

Punished
In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

1d
Entertainment
Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. He believes that the character Elsa could be homosexual since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.

1cap
A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.

Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!

Moral of the Story: Don’t drink and Anne.

1dOverseas
In Nicaragua… A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”
————————————————————————————–
“Politicians as a class are dangerous. People who are seeking power over us are not, by definition, our friends.”
~James Bovard

Sound Bites
“The President has every right to do this if the nominee is undeserving. But Nora Aunor deserves the award and by denying her this honor, the President displays his incapacity to appreciate excellence.”
~F. Sionil Jose

Have a good weekend and an even better month of July!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News]





THICK-FACED

16 06 2014

1bb
THE NEW LEADER of al-Qaeda, Egyptian Ayman al-Zawahiri is the world’s most wanted man today. In the Philippines, the most wanted list includes retired Gen. Jovito Palparan; former Palawan Gov. Joel Reyes and his brother, Mario; former congressman Ruben Ecleo, and Bong Revilla’s speechwriter.

According to Bong Revilla, he had actually prepared two speeches last week: one attacking the Aquino administration and another calling for unity. He chose the second, and he succeeded. Everyone was united in mocking him.

Bong Revilla revealed that he had prepared two speeches last week. Yes, he did prepare two: one attacking the administration, and another attacking our sensibilities.

1tsIncompetent
On Independence Day, President Aquino, without naming names, took a swipe at incompetent singers, dancers, and actors in politics. The next day Bong Revilla reacted. Confirmed.

Tagle’s Take
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle says government officials who steal public funds are “thick-faced” and “insensitive.” In a joint statement, lawmakers insisted, “We’re not thick-faced and we’re not insensitive.”

Heckler
During the Independence Day celebration in Naga City, President Aquino was speaking when a 19-year-old leftist student from Ateneo De Naga interrupted him. The President felt so strange because whenever someone interrupts him, it’s usually Kris Aquino.

Reprimanded
An infuriated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un personally reprimanded his country’s weathermen for their failure to predict the weather. Kim Jong Un’s action was lauded by his top aides, his bodyguards, and President Aquino.

1MCAnti-Loneliness
Have you heard about Japan’s anti-loneliness café? According to CNN, the Moomin House Cafe seats solo diners with stuffed animal companions called ‘Moomins.’ The ‘anti-loneliness’ concept was such a hit, it will soon be adapted by other cities, countries, and Malacañang.1RRFather’s Day
June 15 was Father’s Day. It was a tiring day for Ramon Revilla Sr. who had to open 72 gifts.

Best-Seller
John Green’s novel, ‘The Fault In Our Stars,’ which was recently made into a movie, is a certified best-seller even in the Philippines mainly because of its relatable plot. ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ tells the story of an actor who wanted to augment his income by joining politics.

1VVWorld Cup
The FIFA World Cup opened earlier this week. Vuvuzelas are selling like hotcakes again. In case you didn’t know, vuvuzelas are plastic and produce a loud, annoying sound. That explains its more popular name: mother-in-law.

1IMSeparated?
Former presidential daughter Jackie Ejercito and businessman Beaver Lopez have reportedly called it quits. Tabloid reports say Jackie is having an affair with Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno. The vice mayor has denied the allegation saying, “May asawa na ako.” To which, Bong Revilla reacted, “Eh ano naman?!”

NBA Champs
The San Antonio Spurs claimed the 2014 NBA championship with a masterful win over the Miami Heat, 104-87 in Game 5. As expected, LeBron James is being criticized on social media. When asked for comment, he replied, “Sorry sa mga netizens na na nagalit, pero ang performance ko ay para talaga sa masa at sa mahigit dalawampung milyong fans na naniniwala sa akin.”

1aa
After the humiliating loss, LeBron lambasted his teammates on Twitter, and said, ““Dati rati kinakatakutan ang team na ‘to at iniilagan pero ngayon lahat ng team gusto kami ang kalaban kasi mga tamad and sobrang lambot. Let me tell you guys: kahit si Phil Jackson pa ang mag-coach sa ganitong team, hindi pa rin mananalo sa finals. Walang mga puso kung maglaro. Wala! Wala! Wala!”

The Miami Heat’s quest for a three-peat has ended. Winter has come. Game of Dethroned.

Just Married
Veteran actress Boots Anson-Roa and lawyer King Rodrigo got married last Saturday, June 14. She is 69 and he is 75. What’s your excuse?
—————————————————————————
“I would rather be a little nobody than to be an evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

“Papaano tayo makakatakbo kung nakakulong tayo? Pero malay mo, for the first time nakakulong pero nanalo pa.”
~Bong Revilla on running for president in 2016

Elsewhere
Gina Apostol: Listening to Bong Revilla is worse than cancer
Randy David: The unbearable privilege of pettiness

Just So You Know

1DEPED

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate, Clip Art, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star]





THE SINGING B (ANAK NG TETENG II)

9 06 2014

Untitled2
BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

1JB
According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Untitled
Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Krissy
Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

11Anti-Corrupt
A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
————————————————————————————
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews' Tricia De Leon]





LEAKED: THE PRIVILEGE SPEECH 2

7 06 2014

ON MONDAY, Bong Revilla is scheduled to deliver yet another privilege speech. Last night, alleged portions of the speech were leaked online. Here are some excerpts from the original draft.

00
12: “Unang-una, gusto kong magpahayag ng suporta sa One Direction at sa kanilang mga fans. Sa One Directioners, tulungan n’yong mag-trend ang speech ko ngayong hapon. Please lang.”

11: “Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin kay Ms Rosa Rosal dahil ang tema ng aking talumpati ay hango sa pamagat ng kanyang programa – Damayan. Makukulong din lang ako, eh ‘di damay-damay na.”

10: “Sana’y nanonood ngayong hapon sina Budget Sec. Butch Abad at Agriculture Sec. Proceso Alcala. Kayo ang bida rito.”

9: “Mas pinili kong magsalita kaysa manahimik ngayong hapon dahil malamang sa hindi, ito na ang aking huling privilege speech. Mami-miss ko ‘to, promise.”

8: “Nang magtalumpati ako noong Enero, nabanggit ko ang linyang, ‘Anak ng teteng!’ Ang tanong sa akin ng ilang taong nakasalubong ko, ‘Ano ba ang etymology ng word na ‘teteng?’ Ang sagot ko sa kanila, ‘Ano ba ang etymology?’ Boom peyns!”

23
7: “Hindi ako natatakot makulong dahil entitled naman ako sa conjugal visits. Si Ricardo Camata nga, convicted na pero nadalaw pa rin ng starlets at dancers; ako pa kaya?!”

6: “Noong Holy Week, nagtungo po ako sa Holy Land. Humingi ako ng sign kay God. Sabi ko, “Lord, kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako pababayaan. Hindi mo ako hahayaang makulong. Give me a sign Lord! Minutes later, nakasalubong ko do’n si Hayden Kho at nagkabati kami. ‘Yon yata ang sign. Ang pangit.”

5: “Inuulit ko: hindi ako masamang tao, hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mandarambong, at hindi ako sure kung maniniwala kayo! I don’t care.”

4: “Wala pong katotohanan ang sinulat ng isang tabloid columnist na papalitan ang pamagat ng aking programa sa telebisyon at tatawaging ‘Handcuffs Amazing Stories.’ Paninira lang po ‘yan.”

3: “Naniniwala po akong habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Kung natalo ka sa umpisa, may pagkakataon ka pang bumawi. So ito lang ang masasabi ko: Go LeBron! Go Heat!”

janet 1
2: “Masyado na pong namemersonal ang aking mga kalaban. Kung ‘yong asawa ko nga raw, nagawa kong lokohin, eh ‘yon pa kayang taumbayan na ‘di ko kaanu-ano? May point. Actually. Pero ayaw ko na silang patulan.”

1: “Sa nauna kong privilege speech… nabanggit kong I have been demonized in the media. Nakakalungkot po; nakakalungkot po dahil pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng talumpati kong ‘yon ay nag-text po ang demonyo sa akin. Ang sabi: huwag ko raw ikumpara ang sarili ko sa kanya. ‘T*ng-ina! Ang hard.”
————————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

00Sound Bites
“Arresting and detaining the three senators make up only the formal start of the quest to exact justice and accountability for the plunder of taxpayer money. The pork barrel scam was a P10-billion operation that involved hundreds, perhaps thousands, of individuals.”
~’Triple Whammy’ – Editorial, Philippine Daily Inquirer, 06/07/2014

Poll Results
Offensive ba ang Hong Kong textbook na naglarawan sa mga Filipino bilang domestic helper?

-Hindi, pero ramdam mong may malisya. Alam mo na! Hong Kong ‘yan. 50.31%
-Yes. 36.65%
-No. 13.04%

Let the Filipino taxpayers’ quest for justice begin! Justice for all!
Next batch please!

[Photos: Newsflash.Org, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





DEFIANCE

28 05 2014

ER
FOR OVERSPENDING last elections, Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered unseated by the Commission on Elections. Loyal supporters of Ejercito have barricaded themselves outside the Laguna provincial capitol to express their undying love for the actor-politician. It pays to overspend.

On Tuesday, a defiant ER Ejercito faced his supporters and delivered an impromptu speech. It was so emotional and impassioned, Ejercito expected no less than a best actor trophy from the PMPC.

Here’s a portion of ER Ejercito’s speech yesterday
(And what he wanted to say but couldn’t)

“Binaboy at binastos ng Comelec at Malacañang ang 550,000 votes.”
(Hindi ako papayag na masayang ang 23.5 million pesos na nagastos ko. Hello!)

“Pilit po akong inaalis ng Malakanyang sa pwesto dahil hindi ako bahagi ng Liberal Party.”
(Actually, ang vice governor na papalit sa akin ay miyembro ng Nacionalista Party. Pero ‘di ko pwedeng sabihin ‘yon dahil mababawasan ang impact ng aking speech.)

“Hindi na nirerespeto ng Malakanyang ang rule of law.”
(Parang ako lang.)

“Ako ay mananatiling lehitimong gobernador ng Laguna ngayon at magpakailanman.”
(Sa dami ng nagkalat kong mukha sa buong probinsya, kahit wala na ako sa mundo, nasa Laguna pa rin ako. Tse!)

1New Gov?
Just a day after the Comelec released its ruling, Laguna Vice Governor Ramil Hernandez of the Nacionalista Party took his oath as new governor replacing ER Ejercito. Hernandez and Ejercito: The Fast and the Furious.

Mastermind
Janet Lim-Napoles has submitted an expanded list to the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee. In her 32-page affidavit, Napoles decried being labeled as the “architect of the PDAF scam” saying, she didn’t even finish high school so how could she have studied architecture?

1list

CBCP president and Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Socrates Villegas appealed to Filipino Catholics to pray an “extra rosary” from May 31 to August 15 for the “conversion of the culprits in the pork barrel scam.” Even God was like, “Good luck with that!”

Holy Visit
Pope Francis recently visited the Holy Land. When he arrived there, members of the international media asked, “Do you have a plunder case too?”

Privileged
Reports say Bong Revilla will be allowed the opportunity to deliver yet another privilege speech. Thinking Filipinos will have the opportunity to ignore yet another hour of blah blah.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver yet another privilege speech. Filipinos with low tolerance for bullshit are advised not to watch or listen.

Unfair
Jinggoy Estrada lashed out at the media for being “unfair” in reporting about the pork barrel scam. He said the media tend to focus only on three senators. The actor-turned politician added, “We also have an honor and a name to protect.” Where?

Quiet
Panfilo Lacson has not spoken to the press about the pork barrel scam for a couple of days now. I hope he’s ok.

1Fired!
The DOTC has fired controversial MRT Line 3 general manager Al Vitangcol III. The news wasn’t surprising at all. His term as MRT 3 head was a trainwreck.

In a Congressional inquiry, MRT general manager Al Vitangcol revealed that last May 26, he was fired when he told his bosses that he’s about to resign. That’s how badly they wanted him out.

Attacked
A large crocodile attacked and killed a 30-year-old fisherman in Palawan last Thursday. The fisherman was reportedly on his way to work when he was attacked by the reptile. Authorities are conducting a probe even as local residents started hunting the crocodile. Lawmakers appealed to the public not to judge their colleague pending full investigation.

Untitled
The Richest
The SALNs of senators are out. With a net worth of P1.6 billion, the richest senator is still Cynthia Villar. With a net worth of only P4.9 million, the poorest senator is still a multimillionaire.

To Catch A Thief
Policemen will reportedly ride the jeep in civilian clothes as part of the PNP’s campaign to catch robbers and thieves. Why ride the jeep? Why not just go directly to the Senate?

Naturalized
NBA center-forward Andray Blatche is now a naturalized Filipino. The Senate approved a bill seeking to grant Filipino citizenship to the Brooklyn Nets player so he could play for Gilas Pilipinas in the FIBA World Cup. This begs the question: when will they naturalize David Pomeranz?
———————————————————————————————
“Government creates wealth the way ticks create blood.”
~Grover Norquist

Sound Bites
“Bata pa lamang ako ay natuto na akong maghanap-buhay. Sa biyaya ng Diyos, sa aking tiyaga, sipag at pawis, at sa tulong ng mga taong nakilala ko, ito ay aking napalago hanggang sa aking narating ngayon.”
~Janet Lim-Napoles (Affidavit)

“Bukas tayo sa posibilidad na ang ginagawa lang niya (Napoles) ay guluhin ang istorya. Habang dumadami nang dumadami ang iimbestigahan natin, siguro kakaimbestiga time’s up na tayo. Hindi na naisampa yung kaso. Baka iyon ang strategy.”
~President Aquino

“My God! Kung alam ko lang na ‘yong computer eh Napoles, hindi ko na tinanggap ‘yon. Kaliit-liit naman no’n.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar after being mentioned in the Napoles affidavit

The Sun

p

Poll Results
Sabi ni JV Ejercito, ang pagpapatalsik kay ER Ejercito ay bahagi ng ‘concerted efforts’ ng administrasyon upang ibagsak ang oposisyon.

-Boom peyns ka JV! Ang batas ay batas. Magpaliwanag na lang si ER sa korte. 56.29%
-Wala akong pakialam kay ER. Busy ako sa buhay ko. 37.42%
-Tama si JV. Namumulitika ang administrasyon. ‘Nak ng teteng! 6%

Jail them all!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, @Angel_Atienza via ANC, Karen Davila, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

18 05 2014

HERE’S WHY according to prominent Filipinos:


President Aquino: Inabutan lang ho namin ang problemang ‘yan. Kung inyo hong matatandaan, wala pa kami sa puwesto nang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. ‘Yong dating administrasyon ang dapat sumagot n’yan.

Janet Lim-Napoles: Malay ko. Hindi ko po alam.

Juan Ponce Enrile: I will answer that in the proper forum.

Sec. Sonny Coloma: Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit basta na lang tumawid ang manok na ‘yan. Pwede namang i-try ang other means of public transport like buses. Hindi naman siguro siksikan do’n.

Bong Revilla: Kaya nga hinahamon ko ang gobyernong ito eh. Ikulong n’yo ang manok na ‘yan. Ngayon na! Pagod na pagod na ‘yan sa katatawid sa kalsada.

Jinggoy Estrada: Political harassment ang ginawa sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Pati mga sisiw idinamay! Leave the chicks alone!

JV Ejercito: Ayoko nang patulan ang chicken. Lagi namang galit sa akin ‘yan eh. Sanay na ako.

Benhur Luy: May nag-utos po kasi sa manok kaya tumawid ito. Minsan papuntang Senate, minsan papuntang government offices.

Mar Roxas: ‘T@ng-in@! Kailan pa naging isyu ‘yang pagtawid na ‘yan? No comment! You must remember, I am a Roxas and that’s only a chicken.

Cristina Enrile: The chicken has an affair with the rooster on the other side. You know, these hens would always offer themselves to the rooster.

Gigi Reyes: So fault lang ng chicken? Dahil lalaki ang rooster, wala siyang kasalanan?

Vice President Binay: Ako ay bumabati at nagpupugay sa chicken sa kanyang matagumpay na pagtawid sa kalsada. Mabuhay ka!

Manny Pacquiao: ‘Pag pray na lang natin ang manok.

Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio : Isa lang ang natitiyak ko. Babalik din ang chicken na ‘yan. Kapag ‘di ‘yan bumalik, ipapaputol ko ang isa kong itlog.

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Apparently, the chicken only wants attention. I have reason to believe that it’s a member of closet gay and bisexual fowls.

Panfilo Lacson: For the nth time, the chicken is not gay and it does not intend to be one.

Franklin Drilon: Inuulit ko, wala akong transaksyon sa manok na ‘yan. Ni isang itlog ay wala akong tinanggap kaya wala akong masasabi sa ginawa nitong pagtawid.

Anne Curtis: Why was the chicken outside the coop? Who let it out? It’s not even classy enough to cross that street.

Claudine Barretto: Nagpa-Botox.

Tourism Sec. Mon Jimenez: It’s more fun on the other side.

Venus Raj: Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Good evening Philippines! You know what sir, in the chicken’s 2 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major major, I mean problem that it has done in its life because it is very confident with its family and the love they are giving the chicken. So thank you so much that it successfully crossed the street. Thank you so so much!

Vice Ganda: Itinanong mo na ‘yan last year! Paulit-ulit?! Unli?!?

Viel Aquino-Dee:

Kris Aquino: On behalf of the chicken, humihingi po ako ng privacy. Ito na po ang huling pagkakataon na magsasalita ako tungkol sa pagtawid na ito. I promise not to talk about this again sa online posts ko man o sa interviews.

broad
ACCORDING to the files of Benhur Luy, several prominent media practitioners received cash gifts through conduits from Janet Lim-Napoles. Aside from Korina Sanchez, Mike Enriquez and Rey Pacheco, also mentioned was radio broadcaster Deo Macalma. Talk about “espesyal na balita.”

Janet Lim-Napoles, through her lawyer Bruce Rivera, apologized to JV Ejercito for including his name on the ‘Napoles list.’ When will she apologize to the Filipino people for stealing their money?

Fired
When CNN discovered that news reporter and editor Marie-Louise Gumuchian committed plagiarism, the network decided to fire her. Tito Sotto called the decision “harsh.”

DUI
The Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013 will take effect on June 1. In totally unrelated news, Anne Curtis vows not to go to parties again.
—————————————————————-
“Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean.”
~Dr. Meredith Grey, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’

Sound Bites
“I am astounded to learn that I was supposed to have received a birthday gift from her one time 10 years ago in 2004. This never happened. I did not receive any such gift, in cash or kind, from Ms Napoles or her company nor through emissaries then and up to now.”
~Korina Sanchez

“I vehemently and in the strongest of terms deny knowing Janet Napoles at all and just as strongly deny receiving any gift in whatever form from her.”
~Mike Enriquez

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABS-CBN, GMA News, Manila Broadcasting Corp.]





LIST UY!

16 05 2014

napoles
1: Bargaining
2: Acceptance
3: Denial
4: Anger
5: Depression
These are the five stages of a lawmaker’s transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles

1: Bargaining
“Forty percent lang ba ang makukuha ko? Lugi naman yata ako d’yan!”

“Sige na nga… singkwenta na rin. Basta ‘wag n’yo lang sasabihin kay Senator *****! Forty-five lang ‘yong huling bigay ko sa kanya eh.”

2: Acceptance
“Jenny, nakuha ko na ‘yong 23M. Timbrehan kita kung kailan ang sunod na release. Sanga pala, sino ‘yong nag-cater sa ‘yo kagabi sa Heritage? Sarap ng lechon huh.”

3: Denial
“Hindi ko kilala si Janet Lim-Napoles. Ni singkong duling ay wala akong ibinigay sa NGOs niya. Kung meron man ay tiyak na pineke ang pirma ko; pineke ang mga dokumento! ”

4: Anger
“This is political harassment! Pinupulitika ako! Sobra-sobrang pang-aapi na ang ginagawa sa akin at sa aking pamilya. Mga walang puso!”

5: Depression
“Paano ‘pag nakulong ako?”

“Paano na ang plano ko sa 2016?”

“’Pakamatay na lang kaya ako?”

kris2
AT LEAST FOUR versions of the Napoles list have been made public. When sought for reaction, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

The controversial Napoles list (four versions of it) has been made public. Do you know what that means? Ping Lacson can go back now to doing his job.

At least four versions of the Napoles list have been released to the public. The lists are confusing. Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are high-five-ing.

Several versions of the so-called Napoles list have been made public. Benhur Luy’s files appeared to be the most comprehensive. Even the Black Nazarene was on the list.

A furious Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago attacked Panfilo Lacson for saying she was on the Napoles list. Getting personal, Santiago said Lacson was on the list of “closeted gays or bisexuals in public service.” To which Lacson, replied, “Excuse me, I’m not gay.”

Former senator Robert Barbers was also on the list. He’s still mum on the issue though. Deadma.

Kris
According to the Benhur Luy’s files, Jinggoy Estrada’s transactions with Napoles amounted to 1.6 billion pesos. The same list says then San Juan representative JV Ejercito also transacted with Napoles. The amount transacted was 5 million pesos. Jinggoy couldn’t stop laughing.

Former Pampanga representative and incumbent Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut has been consistently mentioned in pork scam-related documents, lists and testimonies. She allegedly pocketed millions in pesos in kickbacks from PDAF funds, and even acted as agent for Napoles. There’s a reason why there’s a ‘cut’ in Ducut.

Northern Samar Representative Emil Ong said congressmen should not be blamed if their pork barrel funds were misused. Lawmakers like Ong is one of the reasons why nature gave us the middle finger.

xfilesIn Other News
The world’s oldest sperm, dating back 17 million years, has been unearthed in Australia. I can’t believe it. I thought Enrile’s from Cagayan?

A leaked hotel elevator security video showed Beyonce’s sister Solange viciously attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z. Solange has issued a statement denying she’s on a juice diet.

Solange Knowles, who’s also a singer, is reportedly planning to visit the Philippines soon. I hope she gets trapped in the Senate elevator.
———————————————————–
“I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!”
~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men

Sound Bites
“Nag-transact ako ng P5 million kay Napoles? Diyos ko naman. Hello?! Masyadong maliit.”
~JV Ejercito

Pork Scam Quiz
According to the Benhur files published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was the first senator to become a client of Janet Lim-Napoles?
A: Jinggoy Estrada
B: Lito Lapid
C: Bong Revilla
D: Juan Ponce Enrile
(Answer below)

Poll Results
Nagrereklamo si Jinggoy Estrada. Hindi raw dapat idamay sa lifestyle check ng Ombudsman ang kanyang pamilya. Ano’ng reaksyon mo?

-Kung wala siyang ginawang masama, wala siyang dapat ikatakot. Tama ang Ombudsman. 93.8%
-Tama si Jinggoy. Leave his family alone. 3.65%
-Political harassment! Inaapi ng gobyerno si Jinggoy. 2.55%

Answer to Pork Quiz: B: Lito Lapid

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate's new seal via @JoeyJohn16, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters]





EXCLUSIVE: THE LIST REVEALED!

12 05 2014

ACCORDING TO rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson, making public the so-called Napoles list will destroy the Senate. Which begs the question, “What’s there to destroy?”

denieceAttachments
What exactly is on that controversial list? According to unimpeachable sources, the list – saved in a USB flash drive has clickable links to several classified but unverified documents including:

- Actresses, sexy stars, beauty queens, and models who slept with Bong Revilla in the last 12 months

- Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s psychiatric evaluation report

- Bank accounts of JV Ejercito in the Carribean

- Cynthia Villar’s Botox procedure receipts that were allegedly charged to her office

- Records of Ralph Recto’s visits to a private night club in Quezon City

- 20 secret side accounts used by the staff of Alan Peter and Pia Cayetano to troll Vice President Binay and son, Junjun on Twitter

- Jinggoy Estrada’s confession letter to Erap (as regards what, nobody knows for sure)

- Transcript of sext messages between Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes

- Minutes of several meetings between Gringo Honasan and retired Marine major Jaime Napoles

- Photos of Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos together in a children’s party when they were toddlers. The caption reads: “They’re the cutest siblings I know. Proud Dad here. – Ferdie”

- Lito Lapid’s letter to the Senate president requesting that he be allowed to sleep during sessions citing his acute insomnia

- A loyal ABS-CBN supporter, Sergio Osmeña III’s subscription contract to PBB ALL IN 24/7

- Overseas itinerary of Antonio Trillanes’s staff while their boss was still in prison resulting in huge travel expenses

- Frank Drilon’s FDA-disapproved diet program

- A copy of Tito Sotto’s yet to be delivered (privilege) speech titled: “Ako, ang RH Law, at ang Panggagahasa Kay Pepsi Paloma – Diumano: My Version of Truth”

- Jewel May Lobaton’s tell-all affidavit in which she bared the shocking reason why she left Koko Pimentel; an allegation that could destroy the political career of the senator

- Contracts between Janet Lim-Napoles and her caterer-friends for the wedding of Bam Aquino and wife, Timi in 2012, and the christening of Chiz Escudero’s twins in 2008.

- Transcript of TG Guingona’s alleged one-on-one interview with Ruby Tuason the night before she appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee

- Love letters between a former lawmaker and Loren Legarda

- Nancy Binay’s final OJT grade: Singko, which was changed to 3.0 after her father intervened

And lastly…
- An NSO-authenticated birth certificate of Sonny Angara; the document identified his “birth mother” as Loren Legarda.

KrisJinggoy
The Office of the Ombudsman is reportedly conducting a lifestyle check on Jinggoy Estrada. Already indicted for plunder, Jinggoy described the lifestyle check as “political harassment.” In layman’s terms, ‘karma.’

Jinggoy says he and his wife will be celebrating their silver anniversary on June 28. He described it as “a milestone.” Well, it is! Not everyone is given the chance to celebrate their anniversary in prison.

KrisBong
A defiant Bong Revilla recently dared Malacañang, “Ikulong na nila ako. Ngayon na! Hinahamon ko sila, ngayon na. Dahil pagod na ako. Masyadong mahaba na ang sakripisyo ng pamilya ko.” The impassioned statement received a salute from his family and an automatic nomination from PMPC.

Bong Revilla dared Malacañang to jail him now ‘coz he’s already tired. Here’s a tip: resign.

Revilla also accused Malacañang of ‘hostaging’ the Senate and the House of Representatives saying, “Kung anuman ang gusto nilang ipasunod, susunod lahat. Ano pa’ng magagawang matinong trabaho namin dito sa Kongreso?” And even Congress was like, “Trabaho? As if!”

KrisTechnology
Sony has invented a 185-terabyte cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. That’s the good news. The bad news is it will take you 47 years to rewind.

Sony has re-invented a cassette tape that will allow users to store 47 million songs. In response, today’s youth said, “What’s a cassette tape?”

KrisThe Barrettos
In a TV interview, actress Claudine Barretto, who’s at odds with her sisters, lambasted Gretchen Barretto and called her “heartless.” Addressing her ate, Claudine said, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Inside, Gretchen was very angry. Outside, it’s hard to tell.

An incensed Claudine Barretto told Gretchen, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Sources say Gretchen monitored the full interview. In fact, while watching the 10-minute exclusive, she didn’t blink.

Viewers have had enough of the Barretto sisters’ public catfight. They advised them to just move on. To which, Gretchen’s face replied, “Good luck to me!”
—————————————————————————
“The problem with politics isn’t the money; it’s the power.”
~ Harry Browne

Sound Bites
“Sa pananaw ko meron itong national security kasi baka magiba ang Senado kapag nalabas ito sa publiko.”
~Panfilo Lacson on the so-called Napoles list

“Nagalit na naman ang aking kapatid. Sabi n’ya, nagpapapogi lang ako at his expense. I’ll have to be honest. Jinggoy and I are not close. He’s always furious with me.”
~JV Ejercito

UntitledDefinition
Lifestyle check is an investigation strategy developed by anti-corruption agencies in the Philippines to determine the existence of ill-gotten and unexplained wealth of officials and employees of the government. (Source)

Poll Results
Isyu ang bawat sabihin at gawin ni Kris Aquino. Maraming natutuwa, maraming naiirita. Sinong dapat sisihin?

-Pareho: Kris and media. 39.05%
-Hindi ko na lang pinapansin si Kris at ang mga balita tungkol sa kanya. Deadma. 29.88%
-Ang media. Bawat galaw kasi ibinabalita. 18.93%
-Si Kris mismo. Sumusobra na. Me, me, me and me. And more me. 12.13%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Senate, Kicker Daily, Inquirer.Com, Rappler, Twicsys.Com, ABS-CBN News.Com, HarvardPolitics.com]





SHOCKING, LITTLE-KNOWN, AND FUN FACTOIDS

10 05 2014

Totally Baseless Information On or About Famous Filipinos

calabarzon-palaro-basketball-champions-20140510
No. 1: Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes have a 12-year-old daughter studying at Poveda.

No. 2: JV Ejercito can neither call nor send text messages to Jinggoy Estrada. He was blocked by Jinggoy in May 2010.

No. 3: Kris Aquino has a twin.

No. 4: Since the pork barrel scam broke out, 98 percent of lawmakers have opened bank accounts overseas under a false name.

No. 5: According to a recent poll, 8 in 10 Filipino teens have not read a newspaper in the last 12 months. Almost 5 in 10 replied, “What’s a newspaper?”

No. 6: In high school, Mar Roxas was sent to the guidance counselor’s office twice for cursing in class.

No. 7: Since 2007, education gets the lion’s share of Makati City’s annual budget. The rest is for sister cities and municipalities with the largest voting population.

unicef
No. 8: In anticipation of his arrest and jail time, Bong Revilla has scheduled the conjugal visit of the women in his life.

No. 9: Among incumbent senators, Nancy Binay has the highest Flappy Bird score: 997.

No. 10: There is no such thing as a Napoles list. Neither Lacson nor De Lima has it. It’s just a political ploy. The list does not exist.

No. 11: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz lost his virginity a day before he entered the seminary.

No. 12: Imelda Marcos has a 24-year-old boyfriend.

No. 13: At least one senator is confirmed gay.

1nap
No. 14: Janet Lim-Napoles filed her latest Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth recently. Under Assets, she declared “majority of senators, congressmen, and their staff.”

No. 15: On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Cynthia Villar.

No. 16: Mommy Dionisia speaks six languages.

No. 17: Malacañang has postponed the release of a new bank note: a 2,000-peso bill that promotes the Filipino family. The bill features Kris Aquino, Josh, and Bimby on the reverse side.

No. 18: When he was in grade school, Cedric Lee would urinate in his pants every time a classmate would bully him. That classmate was Ferdinand Hipolito Navarro a.k.a. Vhong Navarro.

No. 19: Vicki Belo was born male.

No. 20: An internal survey revealed 10 out of 1 Liberal Party members believed Mar Roxas stood a chance at beating Jejomar Binay for president in 2016.

No. 21: Sonny Angara had a brief stint on German Moreno’s ‘That’s Entertainment.’ He was a member of the Wednesday group.

1BIRD
No. 22: Delfin Lee’s grandfather who was born in Lhasa, Tibet is a first cousin of the Dalai Lama.

No. 23: According to Guinness World Records, ER Ejercito is the most visible politician on Earth. His poreless face is seen on at least 200 billboards, 3,000 mugs, 700 tarpaulins, 10,000 shirts, 25,500 bags and 150 official government vehicles in Laguna and other parts of the country.

No. 24: Manny Pacquiao plans to enroll at ADMU. He looks forward to playing for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the next season of UAAP basketball.

No. 25: In his Times Street home, President Aquino has a Spongebob-themed bedroom.

No. 26: A recent study has shown that regular viewers of Pinoy Big Brother are self-absorbed individuals who are likely to remain single forever.

No. 27: A popular local official and the very much married daughter of an even more popular official were in a relationship.

Rappler
No. 28: The width of the visible part of Alan Peter Cayetano’s scalp is wider in the afternoon.

No. 29: Anne Curtis has purchased Privé Luxury Club for an undisclosed amount.

No. 30: Lito Lapid is still a senator.
———————————————————————————————————
“Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Sound Bites
“At this point, who stands to gain most from the publication of a long list of pork barrel scammers? Certainly not the justice system… Definitely, the ones who stand to gain the most are the big fish who have been breathing laboriously because their gills are wedged in the law’s net.”
~Prof. Randy David, The Napoles List

Have a fun weekend!

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





BOTOX AND POLITICS

7 05 2014


BONG REVILLA challenged Senate blue ribbon committee chairman TG Guingona to compel the DOJ to release the list of lawmakers allegedly implicated by Janet Napoles in the pork barrel scam. The action star said if the committee wouldn’t do that, Guingona should resign. In response, Guingona handed Revilla a dictionary and advised him to look up the meaning of the word ‘irony.’

Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “I challenge the chairman of the blue ribbon committee to compel the DOJ to release the list.” Guingona replied, “I challenge the good senator to define ‘compel.’”

1TuasonImmunity
Socialite Ruby Tuason, who admitted pocketing millions of pesos from the pork barrel scam was granted immunity after she returned 40 million pesos to the government. Ruby was so happy, her face almost moved.

Ruby Tuason returned 40 million pesos to the government and was granted immunity. Asked to elaborate on her deal with the government, the socialite was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

Jinggoy Estrada is furious about this deal between the government and his Tita Ruby. Jinggoy says Tuason “will crumble in the cross-examination.” But the socialite is unfazed and unafraid. Analysts believe the battle will come down to whoever blinks first. Advantage: Ruby.

Napoles
Experts at the Ospital ng Makati say pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles may now be discharged from the hospital following a successful surgery last month. But her personal doctors from St. Luke’s insist that she remain in the hospital because of her elevated sugar levels and blood pressure. “Sorry for the inconvenience. Your taxes are working for Napoles’s doctors.”

The Legal Wife
Voting 13-2, the Supreme Court en banc ruled that the legal wife has the rights to her husband’s remains even if he had been with another woman for 15 years. And Cristina Enrile was like, “I know, right?”

SWS Survey
When shown a card with three choices by the SWS, 53 percent of Filipinos considered themselves “poor.” When shown a card with photos of corrupt senators, 100 percent of Filipinos considered themselves idiots.

Miserable
US-based Cato Institute compiled a list of the world’s most miserable nations. The most miserable is Venezuela with a misery index of 79.4 followed by Iran with 61.6, and Serbia, 44.8. The Philippines, with a misery index of 11.7 ranked 68th only. Filipinos demand a recount.

1BIRDWise Bird
Recent scientitific research found that the forked tailed drongo bird of Africa can imitate the sounds of about 51 birds and other animals. By tricking and scaring other species, drongos are able to steal their meals. Further studies showed the forked tailed drongo birds were lawmakers in their past life.

Disaster Alerts
The Senate has approved on third and final reading a bill that would require telecom companies to send disaster alerts. I think they’re already doing that. In fact, almost everyday, i get a text message that reads, “Want free ring tones? Send STOP if you blah blah blah.”

Appointed
Former senator Francis ‘Kiko’ Pangilinan has been appointed as presidential assistant for food security. There’s no truth to rumors that the post was initially offered to Sharon Cuneta.

KrisFerry Ride
Talk show host and actress Kris Aquino took a ride on the Pasig River ferry Monday. The presidential sister who was with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino enjoyed the experience. Reports say Kris had so much fun despite the garbage. It was like watching “My Little Bossings” all over again.

kris2
Kris Aquino took a ferry ride with MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino Monday. Reports say the re-opening of the Pasig River ferry system was a success, attracting hundreds of commuters. Kris was impressed but she told Tolentino that the opening day of Bimby’s movie was still more successful.
————————————————————————————–
“An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.”
~ Jef Mallett

Sound Bites
“You just have to trust me that I am not going to sanitize the list. Pangako ko ‘yan sa taong bayan na hindi ko gagawin ‘yan. I will do my mandate in a very responsible and prudent manner.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
This if informative. For those voting in 2016: INFOGRAPHIC Biometric voter registration checklist

Poll Results
Naniniwala ka bang masusugpo ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan kapag itinaas ang suweldo ng mga senador at kongresista?

NO. 90.08%
Abangan natin. 6.17%
YES. 3.75%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos/Images: The Girl in Pink Shoes, Manila Bulletin, Discover Magazine, MMDA]





WHICH PORK SCAM PLAYER ARE YOU?

3 05 2014

FIND OUT by answering this pork barrel scam personality test. You must write your answers on a paper or type them on your phone. Good luck!

01
1: Choose a movie:
A: Toy Story
B: Bituing Walang Ningning
C: Die Hard
D: Magic Mike
E: The Godfather

2: Sa school, inakusahan kang nandaya sa exam, anong gagawin mo?
A: Ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang.
B: Igigiit na walang alam sa nangyari.
C: Magagalit. Magtuturo ng ibang kaklase.
D: Aamin pero sasabihing hindi ako ang nagsimula.
E: Deadma. Pero maghahanda ako ng defense in case magkaroon ng imbestigasyon.

3: What was the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx?
A: Ano ba ‘yong Sphinx?
B: Hindi ko alam.
C: Tang-ina. Malay ko!
D: Can I call a friend? Chos!
E: Ang dali naman. Next question please.

4: Select a sport or game:
A: Dama
B: Basketball
C: Boxing
D: Volleyball
E: Horse Race

5: Choose a quote or saying:
A: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
B: If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.
C: Just do it.
D: The truth will set you free.
E: Age doesn’t matter.

01
6: Pick an animal:
A: Rooster
B: Pig
C: Crocodile
D: Butterfly
E: Turtle

7: How would your friends describe you?
A: Attractive
B: Generous
C: Confident
D: Sociable
E: Intelligent

8: Choose a TV show:
A: Eat Bulaga
B: Kabuhayang Swak na Swak
C: Tukaan
D: Project Runway
E: TV Patrol

9: Ano ang kinatatakutan mo?
A: Aging
B: Poverty
C: Secret!
D: Cockroach
E: Death

Review your answers. Count the As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es.

If you answered mostly As, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Bs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Cs, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Ds, click here.
*
If you answered mostly Es, click here.
——————————————————————————-
“Truth fears no questions.”
~Anonymous

2Sound Bites
“Ruby Tuason’s immunity from the PDAF cases does not automatically cover the Malampaya case. She has not been extended immunity in Malampaya because the case is still being evaluated.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Ruby Tuason

Have a nice weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: DZMM, Funny-Pictures.Net, Inquirer.Net/DOJ]





T@NG-I*@, HAPPY!

21 04 2014

1gg
JESSICA LUCILA ‘GIGI’ REYES is back in the country. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored paramour who was recently indicted for plunder in connection with the pork barrel scam arrived before dawn Saturday. In a brief statement released this morning, Senator Enrile said, “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.”

Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

Only GMA News was at the NAIA when Gigi Reyes arrived. The news crew was asking too many questions. But Reyes kept her cool and answered the questions juan at a time.

1GR
On Saturday morning, Gigi Reyes returned, unannounced. No escorts, no drama, no fanfare, and surprisingly, no wheelchair.

A month after the PDAF scandal broke out, Gigi Reyes left the country. That was almost eight months ago. No one knows where she’s been. She could have been to the US or Canada. Or maybe in the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the British Virgin Islands or Zurich. We don’t know.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes arrived on Black Saturday. Senator Enrile was overheard saying, “She puts the ‘gloria’ in Sabado de Gloria.”

e
Gigi Reyes returned to Manila before dawn Saturday. Her brother Patrick says Senator Enrile was not told of her arrival. To which, ABS-CBN News and TV5 said, “Kami rin!”

Legal
New Hampshire lawmakers recently voted to make adultery legal in the state. In totally unrelated news, Senator Enrile denied reports he’s spending his retirement years in New Hampshire.

Jinggoy’s Prayers
During the Holy Week break, Jinggoy Estrada reportedly prayed to God that his detractors be enlightened. In response, God ordered Jinggoy to enlighten Him first on what happened to the 230 million-peso pork barrel fund released to his office.

marOh Mar!
Last week, the Philippine Star reported that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas blew his top and shouted at the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club who insisted that he pay some fees. Roxas was quoted to have said, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” To be fair, Roxas has apologized. Apparently, the incident taught him some valuable lessons. It taught him how to be patient, how to be understanding, and how to ruin his chances of winning the presidency in 2016.

Sec. Mar Roxas clarified that his strong words were not directed at anyone. He has since apologized for what happened and called it an “unfortunate incident.” Or as ‘Ayala Avenue’ would say, “a #throwbackmoment.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle prayed for true peace. He asked God for peace in communities ravaged by earthquakes, typhoons and armed conflicts. He also prayed for peace in our hearts, homes, institutions, and golf courses.

Meteor Shower
From the evening of Monday (April 21) to predawn of April 22, a meteor shower will light up Philippine skies. Astronomers say dozens of so-called ‘falling stars’ will be visible in the sky. So expect to see Jinggoy, Bong, and probably, Mar Roxas.
————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I’m facing the charges. I’ve always faced it.”
~Gigi Reyes

“If there is something wrong in what I did, I sincerely apologize for hurting someone. There was a misunderstanding on my part, for which I apologize. I direct my apology to the Wack Wack family.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Poll Results
Sa Metro Manila, ano ang madalas mong sakyan?

Train (MRT/LRT) 24.89%
Sariling sasakyan 24.45%
Jeep 22.27%
Bus 19.65%
Taxi 8.73%

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 115,500 other followers

%d bloggers like this: