T@NG-I*@, HAPPY!

21 04 2014

1gg
JESSICA LUCILA ‘GIGI’ REYES is back in the country. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored paramour who was recently indicted for plunder in connection with the pork barrel scam arrived before dawn Saturday. In a brief statement released this morning, Senator Enrile said, “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.”

Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

Only GMA News was at the NAIA when Gigi Reyes arrived. The news crew was asking too many questions. But Reyes kept her cool and answered the questions juan at a time.

1GR
On Saturday morning, Gigi Reyes returned, unannounced. No escorts, no drama, no fanfare, and surprisingly, no wheelchair.

A month after the PDAF scandal broke out, Gigi Reyes left the country. That was almost eight months ago. No one knows where she’s been. She could have been to the US or Canada. Or maybe in the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the British Virgin Islands or Zurich. We don’t know.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes arrived on Black Saturday. Senator Enrile was overheard saying, “She puts the ‘gloria’ in Sabado de Gloria.”

e
Gigi Reyes returned to Manila before dawn Saturday. Her brother Patrick says Senator Enrile was not told of her arrival. To which, ABS-CBN News and TV5 said, “Kami rin!”

Legal
New Hampshire lawmakers recently voted to make adultery legal in the state. In totally unrelated news, Senator Enrile denied reports he’s spending his retirement years in New Hampshire.

Jinggoy’s Prayers
During the Holy Week break, Jinggoy Estrada reportedly prayed to God that his detractors be enlightened. In response, God ordered Jinggoy to enlighten Him first on what happened to the 230 million-peso pork barrel fund released to his office.

marOh Mar!
Last week, the Philippine Star reported that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas blew his top and shouted at the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club who insisted that he pay some fees. Roxas was quoted to have said, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” To be fair, Roxas has apologized. Apparently, the incident taught him some valuable lessons. It taught him how to be patient, how to be understanding, and how to ruin his chances of winning the presidency in 2016.

Sec. Mar Roxas clarified that his strong words were not directed at anyone. He has since apologized for what happened and called it an “unfortunate incident.” Or as ‘Ayala Avenue’ would say, “a #throwbackmoment.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle prayed for true peace. He asked God for peace in communities ravaged by earthquakes, typhoons and armed conflicts. He also prayed for peace in our hearts, homes, institutions, and golf courses.

Meteor Shower
From the evening of Monday (April 21) to predawn of April 22, a meteor shower will light up Philippine skies. Astronomers say dozens of so-called ‘falling stars’ will be visible in the sky. So expect to see Jinggoy, Bong, and probably, Mar Roxas.
————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I’m facing the charges. I’ve always faced it.”
~Gigi Reyes

“If there is something wrong in what I did, I sincerely apologize for hurting someone. There was a misunderstanding on my part, for which I apologize. I direct my apology to the Wack Wack family.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Poll Results
Sa Metro Manila, ano ang madalas mong sakyan?

Train (MRT/LRT) 24.89%
Sariling sasakyan 24.45%
Jeep 22.27%
Bus 19.65%
Taxi 8.73%

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]





OF ROBBERS AND LOVERS

7 04 2014

1MRT
MALACAÑANG has apologized to suffering MRT commuters for the long lines. Yes, for some time now, lines have been really long at the MRT. The only thing longer was the time it took Malacañang to make that apology.

Traffic
The Department of Public Works and Highways has scheduled re-blockings on parts of Edsa. Expect monstrous traffic jams and do not lose your cool. To be fair to the government, it only promised ‘tuwid na daan,’ not ‘maluwag na daan.’

Innocent
Amid calls for indicted senators to take a vacation, Jinggoy Estrada said there was no reason for him to take a leave of absence because, “I’m innocent of the charges,” and “My conscience is clear.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of his conscience.

1gClinton and Pacman
Former US President Bill Clinton who met Manny Pacquiao on the set of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ was all praises for Pacman. Clinton says Congressman Pacquiao is a “great role model” in the Philippines because he is honest. And because Pacquiao is honest, Clinton can’t believe he’s a congressman.

Arroyo’s Birthday
Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turned 67 last April 5. Malacañang wished Mrs. Arroyo “happiness.” The ‘wish’ was relayed to her in advance – last April 1.

1afuangAfuang
Former Pagsanjan, Laguna Mayor Abner Afuang was photographed burning a Chinese flag to denounce China’s “bullying” of Filipinos on Ayungin Shoal. Since the ’90s, Afuang has been burning flags to denounce perceived abuses. When are we going to see him burn pork barrel thieves?

Grand Lotto
The Grand Lotto jackpot is expected to hit more than 260 million pesos this week. Again, that’s more than 260 million pesos! This is your chance to get very rich without a sweat. Option 2: Become a senator.

Martilyo Gang
Suspected members of ‘Martilyo Gang’ attacked yet another branch of SM Malls recently. This time, the suspects tried to rob a jewelry store at SM Mall of Asia. But the team of police deployed at SM MOA was quick to respond, and the thieves were arrested. Which begs the question, why don’t we send the same team of police to the Senate or Congress!

NPA Strikes
Members of the leftist New People’s Army attacked a Chinese mining firm in Agusan Del Norte, torching heavy equipment and seizing six shotguns from the guards. Even China was like, “With ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?”

1jHerbert and Kris
Kris Aquino posted a family dinner photo on Instagram Saturday night. Her rumored suitor, Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista was with them. Sources say Kris finds Herbert a reliable potential boyfriend. And Herbert finds Kris a reliable potential endorser. (UPDATE: On Monday night, Kris Aquino admitted that she and Bistek were dating.]

Two Decades
Internet in the Philippines turned 20 last week. It’s been 20 years since you first flirted online, and still, no luck. Try harder.

Anne’s BF
Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!
————————————————————–
“In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery?”
~Saint Augustine

Sound Bites
“And if the lines are long, we sincerely apologize to our fellow citizens about this difficulty. We are in the process now of acquiring the coaches.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to MRT riders

“Bakit ako magli-leave of absence? Malinis ang aking konsensya. Wala akong kasalanan. Wala akong ninakaw sa taumbayan.”
~Jinggoy Estrada

Cringe-Worthy
This has been circulating online. Watch at your own risk. (You’ve been warned!)

Poll Results
Matapos irekumenda ng Ombudsman na sila ay kasuhan, dapat na bang magbitiw sa kanilang puwesto sina Enrile, Revilla at Estrada?
Dapat lang. Mahiya naman sila. 90.85%
Kapag inaresto na lang. 4.93%
Hindi! Hindi pa naman sila convicted. 4%

Have a fun and safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to the Manila Bulletin; Yahoo! Sports, Lito Diaz/ABS-CBNNews.Com and Kris Aquino/IG]





ICYMI

21 02 2014

albie
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

albie
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

albie
In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

albie
Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Trusted
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

bakya
“Tweeter”
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

“Decapitated”
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

Traffic
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

Single
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

1
New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
——————————————-
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week
albie

albie

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]





MICHAEL MARTINEZ, TWD AND OTHER STORIES

18 02 2014

patintero
Malacañang AFTER Michael Christian Martinez’s historic Sochi Olympics stint:
anton

Malacañang BEFORE Michael Christian Martinez skated at the Sochi Olympics:
KRISS

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN Martinez became the first Filipino and Southeast Asian figure skater to participate in the Winter Olympics. Here and in Sochi, Michael has become everyone’s darling leaving Malacañang with no choice but to jump on the bandwagon.

Thanks to Michael Christian Martinez, many Filipinos learned more about the triple axels. We learned more about the triple lutzes. We learned more about the triple flip-double toes. And we learned more about this administration’s lack of concern toward sports development in general.

Figure skating is a fascinating winter sport. I wanna see the likes of Tanda, Sexy, Pogi and Janet Napoles skate. I’m serious. But I wanna see them compete against Tonya Harding.

Some people are asking if all figure skaters were gay just because two or three of them really looked gay. That’s stereotyping. It’s like asking if all lawmakers pocketed pork barrel funds just because four or five of them did. Oh wait! Sorry, that’s a very weak analogy. I take it back.

Feb 14 in History
February 14 was the day Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone patent was granted. Also on February 14, Juan Ponce Enrile was born. Those were two events that happened exactly 138 years ago.

Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 90th birthday last February 14. At 90, he’s being romantically-linked to younger women. In his defense, does he have a choice?

But of course, Senator Enrile has denied that he is dating. To be precise though, he’s carbon dating.

I am in awe of Senator Enrile’s longevity. He’s just a few years shy of being a centenarian. To give you an idea of how old he is, when he was born, the exchange rate was 1 is to 5. That’s 1 cattle for every 5 sheep.

TWD
One of my favorite TV shows is back. I’m referring to ‘The Walking Dead’ – Or as pork scam whistleblowers would say: Enrile.

In Greenville, North Carolina, police arrested a 27-year-old woman they accused of failing to return a VHS tape. Yes, you can be arrested for that. When Senator Enrile heard this, he immediately returned his overdue Betamax tapes.

unicefJinggoy, 51
Senator Enrile’s ally, Jinggoy Estrada turned 51 on February 17. According to reports, Enrile’s birthday wish is for Jinggoy to become president in the future. Well, the presidency is a big question. And an even bigger question is will Enrile make it there? I mean, in the ‘future.’

Senator Enrile’s birthday wish for Jinggoy? To become president in 2016. Which begs the question: What have we done to you Enrile? Why would you want to punish us?

Traffic
Metro motorists are advised to brace themselves for monstrous traffic jams as the construction of the Skyway Stage 3 project begins. We can do this people. If we survived our lawmakers, we can survive this traffic nightmare.

Cybercrime Law
Reports say the Supreme Court has upheld the legality of the controversial Anti-Cybercrime Law. Friends say I should be wary of onion-skinned politicians. And I was like, onion-skinned politicians? You mean, crocodile-skinned.

Some people say overly sensitive politicians may harass me by taking legal action against this blog. Again, this blog does not insult politicians. This blog merely describes them.
——————————————————————————–
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
~ George Burns

Sound Bites
“Siyempre, ayaw ko namang maging kakosa siya. Ayaw kong makulong kami. Ang pinakamaganda ngayon ay dasal. Sana ang mga nag-aakusa sa amin ay magising naman sila.
~Bong Revilla reacting to Jinggoy Estrada’s “kakosa” joke

jin
“Michael Christian Martinez looked all alone in that huge palace; there was no team to welcome him back to the stalls. Yet, as he sat back to listen to his scores being announced, his face broke into a wide grin and he held up his white jacket to show the name of the country he was representing: the Philippines. That little gesture spoke volumes. It didn’t matter that he won no medals. He was telling the world that his country exists—not just as the site of catastrophic disasters but as a pool of gifted and disciplined athletes.”
~Prof. Randy David, Michael’s triple axel, PDI 2/15/2014

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]





THE DEVIL RETURNS

11 02 2014

IN 2012, we had a series of exclusive interviews with the Devil.

Last week, after concluding its 2013 world tour that included stops in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and South Sudan, the Devil returned to Manila. We had a brief chat the other day, and I am sharing with you the following excerpts from that conversation.

Untitled
Kumusta ka na Mr Devil?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw, how are you?

Oh, I’m fine. I’m good.

Pathetic. Walang excitement at challenge ang buhay. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Diretso na tayo sa mga isyu. Ruby Tuason is in the news. Gusto niyang maging state witness sa pork barrel scam. Anong masasabi mo?

That bitch! She’s one of my protégés. Ilang taon ko rin siyang tinulungan pero ito pa ang iginanti niya sa akin: ang magpakabuti at itama ang mali! Pagsisisihan n’ya ito!

Itinatanggi ni Jinggoy ang mga akusasyon ni Ruby Tuason. Wala raw siyang tinanggap na kickback from his pork barrel. Ni isang kusing daw ay wala siyang ibinulsa.

I taught him well. Keep it up Senator!

Sabi ni Justice Sec. Leila De Lima, ‘slam dunk’ evidence ang magiging testimonya ni Ruby Tuason. Any reaction?

Nag-react na ako kamakalawa.

Saan? Nagpa-interview ka ba?

Hindi. Pero kung anong sinabi ng inyong bise presidente, sang-ayon ako. Walang kwenta ang testimonya ng traydor na babaeng ‘yan!

You mean… friends kayo ni Vice President Binay?!?!

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako!

How’s your relationship with Senator Tanda?

Awesome. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan kami unang nagkakilala but we communicate regularly! I will always be proud of Manong Johnny. And of course, Gigi. What a lovely couple!

Uy, nag-birthday nga pala si President Aquino noong Sabado ah!

So???! That sexless, balding, and aging haciendero!

Bakit parang ang laki ng galit mo? May pinaghuhugutan?

Naman! Kung ‘di dahil sa Daang Matuwid ng gunggong na ‘yan, malaya pa sana si Ma’am Janet! Masyado siyang KJ! Pati raket ng may raket, pinapakialaman! Eh kung inuuna muna kaya niya ang kanyang love life sa halip na imbestigahan ang pagnanakaw ng iba! Inggit ka?!? Eh ‘di mamorsiyento ka rin, bobo! Tarantado!

Ang sama mo namang magsalita.

Kaya nga demonyo eh. Isa ka pang bobo!

You’re so evil!

Thank you!

WoT
Nabalitaan mo ba ‘yong Wheel of Torture sa isang kulungan sa Biñan? Ito ‘yong may pinapaikot na roleta ‘tapos kung saan tumapat, ‘yon ang magiging form of torture sa mga inmates.

Alam mo, saludo talaga ako sa creativity ng mga Pinoy. Kahit ako, ‘di ko naisip ‘yung gano’ng kademonyong gimmick eh. Nakaka-insecure! Akalain mong may mas demonyong idea pa pala sa akin ang mga jail guards. Hashtag #G2BCopsAmazingStory #Winnner!

Pag-usapan naman natin ‘tong kaso ni Vhong Navarro. Ano ang masasabi mo kay Cedric Lee?

Adorable! Narinig mo ba ang interview sa kanya? He said, “Hindi ko kailangan ang palakpak n’yo. Hindi ko kailangan ang boto n’yo. Hindi ako tatakbo. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin n’yo.”

‘Tang-ina! Nagliyab ang Angas Meter sa impyerno habang sinusukat ko ang kaangasan niya. Cedric… ikaw na! I’m so proud of you.

May bago pala siyang spokesman. Sabi ni Atty. Raymond Fortun, underdog daw si Cedric sa labang ito. What can you say?

What more can I say? Mahusay na abogado si Raymond. Naks! First name basis. At tama ang desisyon niyang ipagtanggol si Cedric. He’s on the wrong side! My side! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Close ba kayo ni Attorney Fortun?

Minsan. Pero nabwisit talaga ako sa kanya last year. Akalain mo bang nag-lawyer siya sa mga petitioners versus PDAF! Gago pala siya eh. Ang resulta: idineklarang unconstitutional ng Supreme Court ang pork barrel system. So kung nagbabasa ka ng blog na ito Raymond… next time, gamitin mo ‘yang utak mo! Kung walang pork barrel, anong nanakawin ng mga pulitiko? Tanga ka ba?!

Ruby
Balik tayo kay Vhong. May nangyari nga bang rape?

I wish! Eh ‘di kung may nangyaring rape, nagpa-party pa ako. Sayang nga eh!

May message ka ba kay Vhong?

(Kumukumpas) Kuya Vhong… may anak ka ring dalawang lalaki! Pagtanda nila, hayaan mo lang silang mambabae! Huwag mo silang pigilang pumunta sa condo para magdala ng food. Kuya Vhong, kung mabugbog sila dahil sa pagtataksil sa kanilang girlfriend, okay lang ‘yon Kuya Vhong. Kakampi mo naman ang ABS-CBN eh. May magtatanggol sa kanila gabi-gabi – mula TV Patrol hanggang UKG… Kuya Vhong!

Moving on… pag-usapan naman natin ang

Wait lang. Hindi pa ako tapos! Kuya Vhong… I will not pray for you.

Ok, that’s enough. Punta na tayo sa Rapid Round. Magbibigay ako ng names… sabihin mo sa akin ang first impression or message mo sa kanila.

Sure!

Let’s start with Meralco…
Huwaaat? 4.16 pesos per kilowatt hour increase? Ang baba naman! Taasan n‘yo pa. Lumpuhin n’yo pa ang customers! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Manny Pacquiao…
Kapal ng mukha mo! Isinusumpa ko… babalik ka rin sa akin pagdating ng araw. FYI, you’re so missing a lot: casino, babae, alak! Magbago ka na bago mahuli ang lahat!

Kris Aquino…
Walang maitutulong sa iyong love life ang kabibisita mo sa Manaoag. Sa ‘kin ka na lang maniwala. I can give you ‘anyone’ you like.

Bong Revilla…
Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang ginagawa mo. Wala namang namamatay sa kadi-deny eh. Sige lang!

Davidson Banggayan alias David Tan…
Sorry. Busy ako last month kaya ‘di kita na-protektahan. ‘Di bale, pilferage lang naman ang kaso natin. Kayang-kayang malampasan ‘yan!

Mayor Rodrigo Duterte…
Patay tayo d’yan! Next!

Janet Lim-Napoles…
This too shall pass! ‘Pakatatag ka lang d’yan. Don’t lose hope greed. And don’t forget to believe in Me. #BFFs

Deniece Cornejo…
I see great potential in you. Stay strong!

Benhur Luy and the whistleblowers…
Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu all! Mga traydor!

Pope Francis…
WHATEVERRRRRR. #Overrated!

President Aquino…
Single! Single! Single! Single! Single!

So, personalan na ito?
Matagal na! ‘Tuwid na Daan’ my ass! Marami pa rin akong kampon sa gobyerno. Hindi ka magtatagumpay kalbo!

ruby jinggoy
Sa Thursday, imbitado si Ruby Tuason sa isang hearing sa Senado. Dadalo ka ba?

Bakit pa?! ‘Di rin naman a-attend ang mga ‘close friends’ ko. Sa impyerno na lang ako manonood.

Ilang tulog na lang, Valentine’s Day na… meron ka bang date o kahit anong plano?

‘Di ka rin nag-iisip ‘no? Wala sa bokabularyo ko ang pagmamahal dahil hatred, selos at LQ ang advocacy ko… bobo!

Kung maka-bobo naman ‘tong demonyong ‘to! Hayup!

Alam ko! Thank you.
———————————————-
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
~ Oscar Wilde

MichaelSound Bites
“My house is mortgaged. It’s a crazy investment. I don’t even think anyone at the president’s office knows there’s a Filipino skating in the Olympics.”
~Maria Theresa Martinez, mother of Sochi Olympian Michael Christian Martinez

News reports say businessman Manny Pangilinan financed Michael’s training. His mother revealed she tried to reach out to President Aquino for financial assistance but was apparently ignored.

“Nice one Mr. President, nice one!” – The Devil

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: SearchBestCartoon, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Startalk, Associated Press]





EXCLUSIVE: KRISSY AND JENNY (WRE-EH-ECK ME!)

16 01 2014

GOSH, I’M HERE na naman. Grabeh! Alam mo Boy, marami na namang maiinggit d’yan for sure kasi I’ve been in the news for like… what?!? Two months already? Yeah, I think two months na Boy kasi it started pa sa promo ng ‘My Little Bossings’ in November tapos hanggang sa contract signing ko the other day, issue pa rin ako. Tama ba ako Boy? Wait lang. Bakit ba Boy ako nang Boy eh wala naman dito si Boy. How baboy! Aha-ha-ha!

kri
Speaking of baboy, nagulat ako last night when I learned na January 15 pala ang birthday ni Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles. She just turned 50. In all fairness huh, she became a billionaire pala before reaching 50. Bongga! Ikaw na talaga.

At dahil birthday niya, nakiusap na naman sa akin si Heckler na gawan ko raw ng feature ang lola n’yo. I’m suuuure, wala na namang maisulat ang blogger na ‘yan kaya heto… Krissy to the rescue! Aha-ha-ha! Pasalamat siya at good mood ako. But first, gusto kong mag-react sa ilang news items na lumabas lately. Aaminin ko Boy – naloka ako sa headline na ito sa ABS-CBN News.com.

KRIS
Top story talaga ang sex life ko?!? Of national security ang peg? Aha-ha-ha! Na-i-imagine ko tuloy si Mommy sa heaven habang tumatalak: “Kristina, bigyan mo naman ako ng kahihiyan!” Kaloka! But I’m sure, Dad is defending me right now. Bahala na silang mag-away! Care bears! Aha-ha-ha Basta ako, nagsasabi lang ng totoo:

I’m single and I don’t get to have sex. Which means, pwede na akong maging presidente. Aha-ha-ha! Hi Noy. Sorry, pinunchline na naman kita. Promise, last na ‘to for today.

I also want to take this opportunity na sagutin ang mga ibinabatong batikos sa aming pelikula. Alam mo Boy, hindi ko na sana papatulan pa ang mga panlalait eh, pero tao lang ako. Kesyo basura raw ang ‘My Little Bossings.’ Kesyo wala raw itong kwenta at nagsayang lang daw sila ng pera. Pero Boy, did we promise a Citizen Kane? Or a Schindler’s List? Or a Haba-baba-doo Puti-puti-poo even? We did not! Promise! Gusto lang naming magpasaya ng mga tao noong Pasko. Besides, this is the MMFF! What do you expect? Ay, ano ba ‘yun! Wait! Paki-delete… please? ‘Wag ilabas ‘yon. Please! Edit out that part. Thank you.

Ayoko na ngang magsalita! Mapapahamak lang ako eh. Hi Chairman Tolentino! Alam n’yo po, the MMDA Chairman has always been nice to me and to Noy so ‘wag n’yo na ‘tong palakihin, ok? Love love love na lang tayo.

tp
Another issue I want to address is the rumor na pumayag daw akong makipag-usap kay MVP para lang magpataas ng presyo sa ABS. Helllloooooow! Mataas na ang presyo ko to begin with ‘noh. Excuse me! And pleeeeeeeease. I never considered switching to another network. Si Boy lang ‘yon! ‘Di ba Boy dati kang Globe ‘tapos you switched to Smart? O, umamin ka! Aha-ha-ha!

(Para na naman akong tanga. Kinakausap ko si Boy pero ‘di naman n’ya ‘to nababasa. Aha-ha-ha!)

Lastly… gusto ko ring linawin na never kaming nag-usap ni MVP tungkol sa possible transfer or whatever offer daw ng TV5 sa akin. That’s far from the truth. Kasing far ng TV5 studios sa Novaliches! In fact, iisa lang ang napagkwentuhan namin ni MVP – our common interest: basketball players. Alam mo na! Aha-ha-ha!

Gosh! Ang dami ko na palang sinabi. Nakakaloka. Go na nga tayo sa birthday celebrator! It’s Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles’s 50th birthday today! On the count of three, sabay-sabay natin siyang hindi batiin. 1… 2… 3!

Deadma! Aha-ha-ha!

janet 1
At dahil birthday niya, pinakialaman ko ang kanyang answering machine. Let’s find out kung sinu-sino ang nag-iwan ng messages sa kanya! Message No. 8. Now na!

Tooooot!
“Mare, si Pareng Pogi ‘to. Akala mo nalimutan ka na namin ‘no? No way tollway! Kami pa?! Wala sa angkan namin ang nang-iiwan sa laban. Malalampasan mo rin ‘yan! Isorender mo lang kay Lord ang lahat gaya ng ginawa ko. Kung aling lord, nasa sa ‘yo na ‘yon. Happy birthday mare! We’ll see you soon, and remember, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?- Psalm 27:1

BONGGA! Kumu-quote ka na rin senator ng Bibliya? Kailan pa?! Aha-ha-ha
Message No. 7! Now na!

Tooooot!
“Mrs. Napoles, ngayon lang ako magsasalita nang diretso sa ‘yo. Matagal ko nang kinikimkim ‘to. ‘Tanda’ pala huh! Sa isa… Sexy; do’n naman sa isa… Pogi. ‘Tapos sa akin… ‘Tanda!?!’ Wow. Wow! Kung ‘di lang kayo close ng taong pinakamamahal ko, hindi kita mapapatawad. Pasalamat ka sa kanya. Happy 50th birthday. Tanda pala huh. Tatandaan ko ‘yan!”

PWEDE BANG huwag na akong mag-react? Kasi… ‘di ba, hate din siya ng mom ko? So para ‘di na lang ako ma-accuse ng bias, NR na lang ako. Care bears na lang. I’ll just pray for the repose of his soul. If ever. Promise. Aha-ha-ha!
Go na nga tayo sa Message No. 6! Now na!

Tooooot!
“We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why…. chos!
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love, no one could deny… chos!”

Benhuuuuur! Hinaan mo nga ‘yang boses mo! At bakit kailangang sa telepono ka kumanta? May kausap ka ba?

“Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you… chos!”

Hi Madam! Si Benhur po ito. Birthday mo nga pala. Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang date na ‘to dahil sa ‘yong birthday party ko nakilala ang chief of staff ng mga senador. Super saya ang gabing ‘yon! But that was then. Ngayon… ang hirap nang gumalaw. Ni hindi ako makalabas para magsine. Kasalanan mo lahat ‘to! Kasalanan mo!!!!

Wre-eh-eck me
Yeah, you, you wree-eh-eck me!
Chos!”

NAKAKALOKAAAAAA! Ikaw na talaga Benhur! Super duper bongga ka! I like you naaaaa! Aha-ha-ha!
On to Message No. 5. Now na!

Tooooot!
“Sandali! Safe ba ang linyang ito? Kung ‘di ‘to safe, hindi na lang ako magli-leave ng message. Eh buwakang-ina, baka sabihin na naman, ‘Kasabwat ni Napoles si Sexy!’ ‘Wag na lang. Iti-itext ko na lang ang mister niya. Sige, ibababa ko na ‘tong landlin… Ha? Anong na-dial mo na?! So connected na ‘to???? ‘Tang-ina! Bobo ka ba? Ba’t di mo sinab…”
Toot! Toot! Toot!

‘YUN NA! Note to self Krissy… note to self: ‘wag ka nang mag-comment. Kumpare mo pa rin ‘yan. ‘K! Fine. Message No. 4! Now na!

Tooooot!
“‘Tang-ina naman Ma’am Janet eh. Ilang buwan na akong nasa dilim ah. ‘Di n’yo ba ako babalikan? Happy birthday nga pala. – Bathtub”

IN FAIRNESS to the bathtub huh, nakakaalala! Thoughtful! Unlike ‘yong bathtub sa bahay na super nakaka-imbyerna! Everytime I enter ba naman the bathroom, ang laging isinisigaw: “Tigang! Tigang! Tigang!” HELLLLOOOW! Bakit? Itinatanggi ko ba? Aha-ha-ha! Message No. 3! Now na!

Tooooot!
“Hi Janet, si Noy ‘to. Pwede bang makuha ang number ng anak mong dalaga? Joooooke!”

THAT’S NOT Noy! That’s not my brother! I swear, may gusto lang manira sa kanya! How do I erase this message?!? Darla, paki-erase please. NOW NA! Thank you. Next message please!

Tooooot!
“Hi babe! You read the website news babe? The website news say my ex wife Krissy do not have sex life. Hi-hi-hi-Hi Inggit much babe to you. You babe always have sex life. Babe, I have game tonight but after finished the laro, we will have… secret… hi-hi-hi you know what I mean. Babe? Babe?!? Ay pisti, wrong number ang na-dial ko. Yawa!”

YOU WANT ME to react to that? Sorry. I’m not going to make patol. Natuto na ako kina Ate Pinkee at Ate Ballsee. Forgive, forgive, forgive para suwertehin ka lalo. Masaya ako sa buhay ko at super blessed ako! So deadma na sa mga taong nega! Next message please! Now n… SANDALI LANG. INGGIT MUCH PALA HUH! PWES, HINDI MO MAKUKUHA SI BEEM THIS WEEKEND! NO WAY! Hmpf! Next!

Tooooot!
“Hey! Finally, nagkausap din tayo. At birthday mo pala. Pasensya ka na Mrs Napoles. Noong time na takbo ka nang takbo, habol naman ako nang habol. Until I caught up with you. So ‘yan ang napala mo. Magbago ka na habang may time pa! – Sincerely, Karma”

WALA NA AKO sa mood mag-react. BASTA! Ayoko na! He’s so kapal talaga! I don’t have sex but I am happy. Hellllllow… bakit naman ako maiinggit sa kanila? Kainis! Wait! Check ko lang ang cellphone ko. May voice mail yata.

Tooooot!
“Hi Krissy! Si Janet Napoles ‘to. Sexless ka ba? Hindi ka nag-iisa!”

NAKAKALOKA!
—————————————————————————–
“As long as karma exists, the world changes. There will always be karma to be taken care of.”
~Nina Hagen

Sound Bites
“I know my priorities siguro kaya na-bi-bless because I don’t have sex.”
~Kris Aquino

In Memoriam

coy
Noong 2011 at 2013, si Coy Caballes ng Globe ang tumawag para sabihin sa akin, “Loi, finalist ka sa Tatt Awards!” Baby pala niya ang Tatt Awards. Noong 2012, magkasama kami sa Tatt Council. I wasn’t able to attend the awards night last year so hindi ko na ulit siya nakita. Today, January 16 is my birthday. Today, Coy Caballes – who’s in his 20s, passed away. Rest in Peace Coy. Maraming salamat sa mga naging ambag mo sa pagpapayabong ng social media sa bansa.

Sayang, hindi mo na mapapanood ang game ng Fighting Maroons. Mukhang makakaisa pa naman sila this year.

Have a safe weekend!

Postscript: To everyone who sent their birthday greets, THANK YOU so much!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino, PNP]





PAGE 2013: A YEAR-ENDER

14 12 2013

Untitled
WE’RE TAKING a look back at the year’s most memorable moments: triumphs, tragedies and controversies, and the people – good or bad – who made the headlines.

This is… Page 2013: A Year-End Report

People of the Year
#YolandaPh volunteers and donors (both local and foreign)
Thank you!

Stories of the Year
Pork Barrel Scam
#YolandaPH

nap 2

Newsmaker of the Year
Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles

Ruling of the Year
“The pork barrel system is unconstitutional!”
~ Supreme Court of the Philippines

Women of the Year
COA Chair Grace Pulido-Tan
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima
Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
BIR Commissioner Kim Henares
Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno

Super Villains of the Year
Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, Bong Revilla
and the alleged pork barrel thieves in government

untitled

Team of the Year
PDAF Scam Whistleblowers

Special Citation: Eksenadora of the Year
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Special Citation: Spokesperson of the Year
Malacañang for Meralco: “The P4.16/kWh rate hike is reasonable.”

Special Citation: Entertainer of the Year
Health Asst. Sec. Eric Tayag

Special Citation: Joke of the Year
Kris Aquino announces resignation

“I’m giving up my shows. Hindi ko sinasabi ‘yan so that I can say that I’m the one making the bigger sacrifice, no. Tinatalikuran ko ‘yung mundong kinilala kong bumuhay sa ‘kin, dahil higit dun sa karera ko, mas mahal ko ang anak ko. At paglaki ng anak ko gusto ko talagang malaman niya na ibinigay ko ang lahat. Dahil noong nabubuhay ang mom namin ibinigay niya ang lahat para sa ‘min. Ibinibigay ko ang lahat para sa anak ko.”

tolSpecial Citation: Patola of the Year
MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino

On Dan Brown’s novel in which Manila was depicted as “the gates of hell”
“Pinapalabas niyang ang Metro Manila puro kadumihan. We surmise that Mr. Brown is not familiar with Manila or Metro Manila. [This is where the cradle of Catholicism] is as well as other religions. Truly, our place is an entry to heaven.”

Mag-Move On Ka Na Award
President Noynoy Aquino (Tama na ang paninisi! Utang na loob!)

THE 2013 SARI-SARI LIST

bbWinners
- Pope Francis
- The economy (in all fairness!)
- The Philippine Daily Inquirer’s pork barrel scam series
Special Mention:
- Million People March
- Grace Poe #topnotcher
- Nancy Binay #AkalainMoYun

2Losers
- Corrupt lawmakers and their cohorts [SC: Pork is illegal]
- Jeane ‘Bebe Gurr’ Napoles [The nerve!]
- Jack Enrile – the highest spender in the 2013 senatorial elections lost big time!
Special Mention:
- CBCP’s anti- “Team Patay” propaganda in the last elections #fail
- Kit Tatad: “RH Law is genocide.”
- Atimonan Police Checkpoint (Rubout!)

MEWar of the Words
- Miriam Defensor-Santiago vs. Juan Ponce Enrile
- Mar Roxas vs. Alfred Romualdez
- Philippines vs. Taiwan (over the shooting of a Taiwanese fisherman)
Special Mention:
- Manny Pacquiao vs. Kim Henares
- Vice Ganda vs. Jessica Soho
- Vice Ganda vs. Nancy Binay
- Makati vs. Taguig (over Bonifacio Global City)
- Alan Peter Cayetano vs. Juan Ponce Enrile
- Heart Evangelista vs. her parents

1KWTF Moments
- Just Married: Freddie Aguilar, 60 and “Babe,” 16
- Caught on Cam: Then LTO Chief Virginia Torres playing a slot machine
- Epal: Binay stickers on the relief goods for Yolanda victims
Special Mention:
- Say What?: Airport officials reveal: NAIA Terminal 3 has no CCTV
- Ibang Level: Juan Ponce Enrile playing Bejeweled while working
- Unfairness: Cong. Magtanggol Gunigundo’s proposed lifetime tax break for Pacquiao
- Stolen Shots: UP masteral student Mark Solis’s plagiarized photos
- Front Page: Philippine Daily Inquirer’s fake TIME cover #toingks
- Wat Da Pak: Surian ng Wikang Filipino’s proposal to change the official name of the country from Pilipinas/Philippines to Filipinas
- Sisterakas: The Aquino sisters on TV Patrol/24 Oras defending Kris against James Yap

bieberNegastars
- Gigi Reyes, Ruby Tuason, Richard Cambe and other lawmakers’ aides and staff who fled the country (now in hiding) at the height of the pork scam probe
- Nur Misuari (Zamboanga siege)
- Junjun Binay (Dasma Village incident)
- Butch Abad, Frank Drilon and DAP
Special Mention:
- Jojo Ochoa (And his alleged ties with Napoles!)
- Arnold Clavio
- Korina Sanchez
- Meralco and the 4.16/kWh power rate hike (Eff u!)
- Don Mariano Transit

napolesComebacks
- The PCOS Machine
- Manny Pacquiao
- Joseph Estrada
Special Mention:
- Gilas Pilipinas, Not this time Korea. Not this time! We’re off to the FIBA World Cup
- Nonito Donaire
- DLSU Green Archers, champs again after six years!
- Doris Bigornia

eBreakups (Or something like that)
- Lorna Kapunan and Janet Lim-Napoles
- Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes
- Philippine Daily Inquirer and Pugad Baboy
Special Mention:
- Willie Revillame and TV5
- Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago
- The Barrettos

untitledGoing, Going… Gone!
- Pope Benedict XVI resigns
- Freedom of Information Bill – Anyareh?
- Communications Sec. Ricky Carandang and Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon
Special Mention:
- Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Mike Arroyo and Mikey Arroyo
- Edwin Lacierda
- Ateneo Blue Eagles Men’s Basketball Team (Season 76)
- The Gutierrezes
- Wally Bayola
- Ask. FM

bieberBreakout Performers
- Atty. Leni Robredo (She trumped a supertrapo!)
- Kobe Paras, slam dunk prince
- Jeron Teng
Special Mention:
- NU Pep Squad
- Tom Rodriguez, My Husband’s Lover
- Jessy Mendiola

1M
Disasters
- #YolandaPh
- Bohol Quake
- MV St. Thomas Aquinas collides with MV Sulpicio Express Siete: 55 dead
Special Mention
- Typhoon Labuyo
- USS Guardian runs aground at Tubbataha Reef
- Two Serendra Condominium Explosion
- Jinggoy’s privilege speech

1
Most Beautiful
- Megan Young, Miss World
- Bea Rose Santiago, Miss International
- Mutya Datul, Miss Supranational
- Ariella Arida, 3rd runner-up: Miss Universe
Special Mention:
- Ali Forbes, 3rd runner-up: Miss Grand International
- Koreen Medina, 3rd runner-up: Miss Intercontinental
- Gil Wagas, 4th runner-up: Mr. International
- Angelee De Los Reyes, Semifinalist: Miss Earth
- Cindy Miranda, Semifinalist: Miss Tourism Queen International

UntitledIn Memoriam: Notable Deaths
- Crocodile Lolong
- Freedom fighter Nelson Mandela, humanitarian Paul Walker
- Former Chief Justice Andres Narvasa, former Solicitor General Frank Chavez, former DOTC Sec. Leandro Mendoza, former Health Secretary Alberto Romualdez,
- Directors Behn Cervantes and Eddie Romero, activist priest Joe Dizon
- National Artists Andrea Veneracion and Daisy Avellana, anthropologist F. Landa Jocano, Isagani Cruz
- Bella Flores, Subas Herrero, Ama Quiambao, Sammy Lagmay, Susan Fuentes, Renato Del Prado, Pepe Pimentel, Papa Dom Gamboa of Tropical Depression
- Journalist June Keithley, chef Nora Daza
- Sultan Jamalul Kiram, Former QC Mayor Mel Mathay Jr.
- UP Manila student Kristel Tejada

UntitledBuzz Words/Phrases
- Selfie
- Throwback Thursday
- “… pag may time!”
- Tanda, Pogi, Sexy
- DAP
- Storm surge
- Look up! Look up!
- Push mo ‘yan!

1NANSound Bites
“At the end of the day, ang apelyido ko pa rin ang nagpapanalo sa akin sa halalang ito.”
~ Sen. Nancy Binay

“Basta huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao! Eh, anong ibibigay namin? Hindi naman puwede ‘yong sa pinaghihirapan namin dahil sa personal naman namin ‘yon, sa mga anak, sa mga pang-araw-araw na panggastos namin.”
~ Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado-Revilla on the proposed abolition of the pork barrel

“You have to remember, you are a Romuldez and the President is an Aquino.”
~ DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

“Hindi naman ako ordinaryong governor. Artista rin ako. At ‘di ako basta-bastang artista. Ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!”
~ ER Ejercito justifying his being late for a palace meeting with President Aquino

image
“Wala pong nanggaling sa gobyerno kahit piso.”
~ Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles on her wealth

“We are supposed to be celebrating that we got the biggest crook in Philippine politics. Hindi natin nakuha ng murder, ng cheating, ng kung anu-ano pa. We finally nailed him with this one. We should be celebrating. This guy has committed so many crimes, we failed to nail him.”
~ Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s alleged involvedment in the pork scam

“Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”
~ Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay

“Saan po kaya kumukuha ng kapal ng mukha ang mga kawani sa ahensiyang ito?”
~ President Aquino berating the Bureau of Customs, SONA 2013

SALCEDA
“Ang hirap nga lang kung si Jessica Soho magbo-bold. Kailangan gang rape lagi. Sasabihin ng rapist, ‘Ipasa ang lechon.’ Sasabihin naman ni Jessica, ‘Eh nasaan yung apple?’”
~ Vice Ganda during his Big Dome Concert

“Rape is not a joke and should never be material for a comedy concert. I thank all those who shared my hurt and expressed their support, but this should not be about me but about rape victims who suffer tremendously from this terrible crime. The horrors they go through are unspeakable and should never be taken lightly, especially by way of a cruel joke.”
~ Journalist Jessica Soho

kris
“Tandaan mo ‘to: may three years pa ang kapatid ko.”
~ Kris Aquino to James Yap during one of their fights

“I am endorsing Sonny Angara because I want young people in the Senate. He is young, idealistic, and full of sex appeal. ”
~ Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

“Ewan ko ho. Hindi ko ho alam. I invoke my right blah blah blah…”
~ Janet Lim-Napoles at the Senate

“If anyone reading this can prove to me that my husband has stolen any amount from his PDAF in his 12 years as senator, I will give you P10 million in cash and I will leave my husband.”
~ Sharon Cuneta reacting to Jinggoy Estrada’s privilege speech on PDAF

1K
“Kuya, bibigyan kita ng picture. ’Wag mo na akong picturan. Pangit ako ngayon.”
~Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles to an Inquirer photographer during PDI’s exclusive interview

“The last time I spoke to the Senator from abroad… he even told me to be strong… that we will fight together.”
~ Gigi Reyes, Enrile’s chief of staff and rumored girlfriend

“It’s not the end of my political career.”
~ Annabelle Rama after losing in the congressional race in Cebu

“Pansira ka ng araw… tatawa-tawa ka pa! Sana pala hindi na namin kayo tinawagan. Wala akong nakuha sa inyo!”
~Arnold Clavio to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Alfredo Villamor

“I can buy you, your friends and this club.”
~ Anne Curtis to Phoemela Barranda

1char
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~ Charice telling the whole world she’s gay

“Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?”
~ Pope Francis

“Accuracy is what we care most about here at CNN. In every report, we have shown how strong the Filipino people are. Ms Sanchez is welcome to go there and I would urge her to go there. I don’t know if she has but her husband is the interior minister, I’m sure he could arrange her flight.”
~ CNN’s Anderson Cooper to Korina Sanchez

untitled
“Nahanap ko na ang taong para sa akin. ‘Wag na nilang ilayo ang taong mahal ko. Masaya na ako. Everybody deserves to be happy.”
~ Heart Evangelista

“Child abuse ba ‘yong inaalagaan ka? Hindi ko siya iiwan. Mahal ko siya.”
~ Folk singer Freddie Aguilar’s 16-year-old gf/wife

“Ariella Arida, Laguna, Pheleppens!”
~Ariella Arida, Miss Universe 2013 3rd runner-up on coronation night

“Kanina, nakita natin ang pagdagsa sa Ayala ng mga tae…”
~ Journalist Jiggy Manicad to a guest interviewee on GMANewsTV’s ‘QRT’
———————————————————————–
“If you don’t know history, then you don’t know anything. You are a leaf that doesn’t know it is part of a tree.”
~ Michael Crichton

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PDI, PhilStar, GMANews, ABSCBNNews, Interaksyon, Rappler, Anonymous Inc, Reuters, Heart Evangelista)





TIMES LIKE THIS

13 11 2013

“… the government has fewer resources to invest in infrastructure that could resist natural disasters and be used for relief efforts.”
~ Max Fisher, The Washington Post (Why the Philippines wasn’t ready for typhoon Haiyan)

You have no idea.

CHENX
These are difficult times indeed but we shall never forget.

From the Official Gazette: How to donate
Please be guided of the following information and contact details:
1: Local Donors
DSWD Focal Persons for Donations:
Usec. Angelita Medel +63 917-866 4297
Asec. Ted Romo +63 947-996 1785
Dir. Resty Macuto +63 916-428 6557
+63 908-225 2559

2: Cash Donations
- DSWD Donations Accounts
- Land Bank of the Philippines – Batasan Branch, Quezon City
Account Numbers:
Peso Current Account No.: 3122-1011-84 (local)
US Dollar Savings Account No.: 3124-0055-81 (foreign)
Contact Person: Ms. Fe Catalina +63 918-6281897
- Online Donation http://disaster.dswd.gov.ph/online-donation/
- Donate via GCash – http://dromic.dswd.gov.ph/
- Donate via Credit Card – http://disaster.dswd.gov.ph/online-donation/

3: Donations-in-Kind
- DSWD Operations Center, NAIA Chapel Road, Pasay City
- DSWD National and Regional Donations Desks
- Contact Person: Charles Kevin Ronda +63 905-342 7647

4: International Donors
Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA)
Asec. Gary Domingo +63 917-866 4297
Rachel Oronce +63 903-820 7123

UntitledThey used to call this home.

To foreign governments, international organizations, private groups and individuals who have been extending help to the Philippines, we can’t thank you enough.
————————————-
“It is under the greatest adversity that there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others.”
~ Dalai Lama XIV

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, AFP]





NAPOLES’S SENATE SHOCKER

7 11 2013

1K.
HERE IS THE complete list of Janet Napoles’s shocking revelations on the pork barrel scam as told before the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee in a hearing held Thursday, November 7, 2013.
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“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Grilled Pork
JANET LIM-NAPOLES appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee Thursday, Nov. 7. Before the actual hearing started, Napoles took her oath. She vowed to “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God.” To which, God said, “Ulol!”

Janet Lim-Napoles denied having transactions with lawmakers and said, “Nakakaawa nga po ‘yung mga senador at mga congressmen, nada-drag ang pangalan nila.” When Jinggoy Estrada heard this, he said, “Pwede na akong umuwi.”

Janet Napoles absolved lawmakers of wrongdoing. She claimed she knew nothing about the pork barrel scandal and even declared, “Wala namang scam.” She also denied that they’re rich. Just the perfect material for the next episode of ‘Kap’s Amazing Stories.’

Denying reports they’re rich, she described their status as “sakto lang.” If “sakto lang” means owning 30 cars, 28 houses, 200 Heritage Park lots, and 107 bank accounts under her name, then the rest of us are what? Echinoderms? Parameciums? Dinoflagellates?

Throughout the hearing, Janet Lim-Napoles was wearing a bullet-proof vest. For someone whose skin was beyond thick, was that even needed?

As soon as Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was acknowledged by committee chair TG Guingona, the feisty lawmaker told Janet Napoles, “There you are. Let me take a good look at you.” Napoles felt really uncomfortable. She didn’t expect Senator Miriam to be stricter than the security in Malacañang.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago warned Janet Lim-Napoles against Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, one of the lawmakers being implicated in the pork barrel scam. Santiago said, “‘Wag mong i-underestimate si Enrile. May asim pa si Tanda.” To which Gigi Reyes replied, “Naman!”

The hearing lasted six hours but Janet Lim-Napoles failed to give new or substantial information on the pork barrel mess. Arnold Clavio was extremely disappointed.

Sen. Allan Peter Cayetano asked Janet Napoles, “Did you ever consider a career in government?” And Napoles was like, “The f*ck are you talking about?!? I run the government!”

untitledSound Bites
“Ewan ko ho. Hindi ko ho alam. I invoke my right blah blah blah…”
~Janet Lim-Napoles

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: PDI, Rappler]





OF VOMITING AND RATING

23 10 2013


EARLIER THIS WEEK, alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was summoned to appear before the Senate on November 7. Before dawn Thursday, Oct. 24, she was rushed to the hospital. Don’t you think it’s too early for a dress rehearsal?

Reports say Janet Lim-Napoles complained of pain and nausea and was continuously vomiting. According to the PNP, “the hospital attributed the subject’s situation to stones in the ureter.” Sought for questioning, the ‘ureter’ denied stoning Janet Napoles to death.

Before dawn Thursday, Janet Lim-Napoles was rushed to the Southern Luzon Hospital in Sta. Rosa City because of continuous vomiting. Doctors advised Napoles to avoid looking at herself in the mirror, any mirror.

eyes Wanted: Girlfriend
Quezon City Vice Mayor Joy Belmonte wants her widowed dad, House Speaker Sonny Belmonte to look for a girlfriend and remarry. The House Speaker is already 77 years old. Yeah, he’s kinda old. But that wouldn’t be a problem if he was a folk singer.

Joy Belmonte said her dad should look for a girlfriend and remarry. Why not? The House Speaker is good-looking, single, and charming. He’s also one of today’s richest congressmen. Finding a partner will be a walk in the pork.

House Speaker Sonny Belmonte’s latest approval rating is down to 37 percent. For Chrissakes, the man is 77. Don’t expect everything to rise.

Ratings
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed 1 in 2 respondents approved of Senate President Drilon’s performance. That one was Drilon, the other was his conscience.

eyes
According to Pulse Asia, Senate President Drilon’s approval rating is down by 12 percentage points, from 62 percent to 50 percent. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus Butch Abad.

There was an increase in the number of Filipinos who distrust both senators and congressmen. Or as Jinggoy Estrada would say, “Success!”

A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

Senate President Franklin Drilon says as soon as pork barrel scammers are punished, the Senate will emerge “stronger” and “credible.” And with fewer members.

PDAF Use
An SWS survey showed nearly 7 in 10 Filipinos said they did NOT benefit from PDAF-funded projects. The remaining 3 said, “What projects?”

Collectors
A Manila court junked the petition of 13 Customs COLLECTORS who sought to prevent their transfer to another office. The transfer is part of an ongoing revamp to curb the rampant corruption in the agency. The Customs collectors are asking for prayers in this time of grief.

The attempt of 13 Customs collectors to block their transfer to another office was junked by a Manila court. Our deepest condolences.

Urduja
Typhoon Urduja has made its exit. Fortunately, it wasn’t that strong. In fact, it was barely felt. Historians believe that typhoon was just a hoax.

Why Not?
On the issue of getting married, President Aquino said, ““If God wills it to happen tomorrow, then I’ll gladly do it.” To which, God said, “Asa much!”
——————————————–
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Sound Bites
“Child abuse ba ‘yong inaalagaan ka? Hindi ko siya iiwan. Mahal ko siya.”
~Folk singer Freddie Aguilar‘s girlfriend [via Startalk]

“If God wills it to happen tomorrow then I’ll gladly do it. But I’m not hoping that it will happen tomorrow.”
~President Aquino on getting married

FYI: October 31 is NOT a nationwide holiday according to Malacanang.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Star, Senate.Gov.Ph]





SLAM BOOK SERIES: JANET NAPOLES

21 10 2013

JANET ‘JENNY’ Lim-Napoles has been “commanded and ordered” to appear before the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee on November 7. She has two more weeks to memorize the line, “Your honor, I would like to invoke my right against self-incrimination.”

The Senate has officially issued a subpoena requiring Janet Lim-Napoles to appear before the Blue Ribbon Committee. Everyone is excited. In fact, Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have volunteered to sponsor the “Welcome home!” banner.

Reports say the Nov. 7 hearing which will be attended by Janet Napoles shall be free-flowing. Senators will be allowed to use Tita, Ma’am, Mare, Friendsheeep or ‘Teh when they talk to Napoles.

SLAM BOOK. Last year, we started our slam book series. Some of the personalities featured were President Aquino, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Sen. Lito Lapid, Cong. Manny Pacquiao, and presidential sister Kris Aquino. Today, we’ll get to know more about suspected pork barrel queen, Janet Lim-Napoles. She sent her answers to our questions via email.

1SB
2SB

3SB
4SB

Sea Serpent
An 18-foot-long sea serpent was found in Southern California. The rare snakelike fish left residents in awe. But that’s nothing compared to a 23-headed pig found in the Philippine Senate or the 400-legged amphibian found in the Lower House.

Sound Bites
“Every single Filipino wants to spit at a senator, including myself, within spitting distance. We’re severely damaged.”
~ Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
———————————————
“I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.”
~ Jonathan Swift

Have a safe week everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





STATUS: IT’S COMPLICATED

18 10 2013

SENATE PRESIDENT Franklin Drilon has agreed to sign the subpoena for Janet Lim-Napoles. The suspected pork barrel scam queen will be required to appear before the Senate soon. Analysts believe that day will be significant, historic, and extremely awkward.

1
Jinggoy and Napoles
Magandang hapon Mrs. Napoles! Ako ay isa sa mga senador na idinadawit sa pork barrel scam na diumano’y pakana mo. Balita ko, kakanta ka na raw ngayong hapon. Totoo ba?

Yes your honor.

Well, nakikinig kaming lahat. Go ahead.

Para po sa inyo ito your honor…
“Hello darkness my old friend…
I’ve come to talk with you again…”

Thank you.

Sotto and Napoles
You are under oath Mrs. Napoles. Tandaan mo ‘yan.

Copy po your honor.

Kung ‘di ka magsasabi ng totoo, puwede kang kasuhan.

Kopya po. Kopyang-kopya po your honor.

Nang-aasar ka ba?

Copy po… este. Hindi po. Thank you.

Bong Revilla and Napoles
Magandang hapon po Ms Napoles!

Kap naman! Jenny na lang. Ano ka ba? So ano na? ‘Musta na si Nay Lolit?

Mr. Chair, your honors, can I ask for a 2-minute recess?

Granted!

Drilon and Napoles
Isang tanong, isang sagot: may bahagi ba ng PDAF ko ang

Gano’n? Diretso po agad sa tanong your honor? ‘Di ba pwedeng pleasantries muna? Kumusta na po si Ma’am Mila?

Inuulit ko…

Sandali lang naman Manong Frank. ‘Di naman kayo ganyan ‘pag nasa parties namin ah. Thank you.

Lito Lapid and Napoles
Mrs. Napoles, gusto kong sabihin mo mismo sa harap ng publiko: tayo ba ay nagkaroon ng anumang transaksyong may kaugnayan sa pork barrel?

Wala po your honor!

Magaling! Salamat Mrs. Napoles!

Paanong magkakaroon eh ibinigay mong lahat ang PDAF mo kay Mrs. Victoria Sevilla Tolentino ng Innsbruck International Trading! Madamot ka your honor! Tse!

Ah, Mr. Chair, may I request that my question as well as Mrs. Napoles’s answer be stricken from the Senate record? Pwede po ba Mrs. Napoles?

Sige your honor. Pero spell ‘stricken’ muna. Thank you.

Enrile and Napoles
Mrs. Napoles, kilala mo ba ang dati kong chief of staff na si Gigi Reyes?

Mas kilala n’yo po siya.

Totoo bang madalas kayong magkita?

Hindi po kasindalas ng inyong pagkikita.

Malaki ba ang ibinigay mo sa kanya?

Bakit po? ‘Yon bang sa inyo maliit?

Kayo ba ay may mga ginawang kaduda-duda?

Mas kaduda-duda po ang ginawa n’yong dalawa. Thank you.

IN OTHER News…

1M
Folk singer Freddie Aguilar, 60 has a 16-year-old girlfriend. Age gap: 44 years Take that Hugh Hefner!

Ka Freddie is 60. His girlfriend is 16. In pop culture, we call that May 1953-December 1997 affair.

Remember when Ka Freddie Aguilar marched and fought against corruption? Minor observation lang. Wala lang.

Pop icon Freddie Aguilar who is 60 years old, has a 16-year-old girlfriend! Suddenly, people began to understand Marlene Aguilar.

Freddie Aguilar, 60 vows to marry his girlfriend when she reaches 18. Ka Freddie is optimistic about their future. I sincerely hope he gets there.

Ka Freddie has had three ex-wives. His current girlfriend should seek advice from them. They’re her future.

Pop icon Freddie Aguilar, 60 is madly in love with a 16-year-old. Or as Venus Raj would say, “Minor minor problem.”
————————————————————————————-
“Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us-and those around us – more effectively. Look for the learning.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Sound Bites
“Well, I fell in love. May kasabihan tayo, may batas ng tao, may batas ng puso, may batas ng Diyos. Then kung sa batas ng tao nagkamali ako then I will admit it but the difference about this is I fell in love and when I found out that she was a minor, the first thing I did was to notify the parents because I know na hindi tama. But for me to back out, we are already in love. I think it’s more damaging to her if I back out now. I didn’t ask her to choose,”
~Folk artist Freddie Aguilar, 60 on his relationship with a 16-year-old girl

And another:
“I’m here, (if) you don’t want me, I am sorry. I am Freddie Aguilar, take me for what I am. I’m not gonna be because you like me to be like this or like that, no way! I’m not a robot, I’m a human. I make mistake, I laugh, I cry, I eat, so what? Crucify me, yeah Ok but I’m still Freddie Aguilar.”

After all, Anna Dizon is still Anna Dizon.

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PORK BARREL AND LIGHT BULBS

2 10 2013

Light Bulb Jokes 2013

Q: How many Jeane ‘Bebe Gerr’ Napoleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to take a photo, and one to post it online.

Q: How many Benhur Luys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but he’ll replace it with a fake bulb.

Q: How many Janet Lim-Napoleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. She refuses to talk.

Q: How many Jinggoy Estradas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to criticize the residents of the house.

1
Q: How many Lorna Kapunans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Butch Abads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. He’ll just give “incentives” to those who will.

Q: How many Frank Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. But he’ll ask a bigger budget for this assignment.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to blame his ex-Chief of Staff for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many Gigi Reyeses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but with the help of Enrile.

Q: How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: For how much?

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change, and one to announce it in a press con.

Q: How many Bong Revillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’d rather hire an expert to verify if the bulb is real.

Q: How many Mark Joseph Tajo Solises and Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’d rather hire an expert to verify if the bulb is real.

Q: How many Boyet Gonzaleses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to applaud the work done and say, “AMAZING! [Aloha!]”

Q: How many ER Ejercitos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but the replacement bulb will be costly and ‘over budget.’

Q: How many Nur Misuaris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll have his men do it instead.

A: Announcement: It has been changed.
Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Tiwala ka lang kay Lord… there will be light.”
————————————————————————–
“The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have too little.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Di lang matanggap ng aking kalaban na lamang ako sa kanya ng 78,000, at mas guwapo ako sa kanya.”
~Laguna Governor ER Ejercito who was disqualified by the Comelec for overspending in the last elections

Merry Christmas!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





RUMORS, FACTOIDS, AND HUMOR

20 09 2013

Totally Baseless Information On or About Political Figures, People in Government, and Other Personalities In the News


1: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stopped eating pork and beef when he turned 80 years old. He’s now 89 and eats only fish. His all-time favorite is “GG.”

2: In her high school yearbook, Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was described as “Most Likely to Get Away With A Crime Due to Connections.”

3: Jinggoy Estrada is into zumba. He also attends a yoga class thrice a week.

4: When the pork barrel scam story first came out, at least nine senators opened new bank accounts in the Caribbean. One Cabinet member closed a Metrobank account.

5: Janet Lim-Napoles had a cameo in Bong Revilla’s 2002 MMFF entry “Agimat.” She played the role of a witch who terrorized a community. In the closing credits though, “Janet Napoles – As herself” appeared.

6: In her past life, lawyer Lorna Kapunan was a geisha.

untitled2
7: Incumbent Masbate governor and former representative Rizalina Seachon-Lanete (who was charged with plunder) loves the color orange. In a radio interview, she admitted that all her clothes, including her panties, brassieres, and corsets were orange. One of her daughters is named Carrota.

8: Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff, Gigi Reyes who is also facing plunder charges has left the country. She communicates with Enrile through Skype or Facetime before going to bed every night.

9: When Jeane Napoles celebrated her 18th birthday, the traditional 18 candles were replaced by 18 Rolex watches while the 18 roses became 18 Louis Vuitton bags.

10: Bong Revilla has lost 12 lbs. since the PDAF scandal broke out. He has also started taking anti-depressants.

11: After drawing flak for her controversial statement on pork barrel, Lani Mercado was ordered gagged by the Revilla clan.

12: Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles is a dominatrix.

13: A corrupt senator’s corrupt chief of staff receives a monthly salary of P50,000 only. But every quarter, s/he gets an additional P5-million per approved transaction with a bogus NGO.

14: In grade school, Benhur Luy was once named Mr. Talent in the Mr. and Ms. Nutrition contest. His talent was forging signatures.


15: When his name was mentioned by talent manager Lolit Solis on radio, Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa unfriended Janet and Jimmy Napoles on Facebook. He has since deactivated the account.

16: Janet Lim-Napoles’ code name for Jojo Ochoa was ‘Tagay.’ Ochoa’s code name for Napoles was ‘ILONGga.’

17: JLN Corp’s office is at Unit 2502 in Discovery Suites. Asked why she chose 2502, Janet Napoles’ once boasted, “250 senators and congressmen mula sa two Houses of Congress ang hawak ko sa bayag.”

18: When Joseph Estrada was first told about Jinggoy Estrada’s alleged involvement in another fund scandal, he allegedly quipped, “May bago ba do’n?”

18.1: Everytime Jinggoy Estrada tells a lie, he gains a pound.

19: A recent survey revealed 6 in 10 lawmakers have met and partied with Janet Lim-Napoles. The rest are liars who are going to rot in hell anyway.

20: Former senator and now, Manila Standard Today columnist Kit Tatad will drop another bombshell: President Aquino was having dinner with Nur Misuari in Basilan when Zamboanga City was attacked by MNLF rebels.

21: Nur Misuari’s full name is Nuraanur Villamayor Misuari. His mother, Marie Lyn (who married a Muslim scholar she met in UP) was originally from Bicol.

22: On a scale of Frank Drilon to Loren Legarda, the average sexiness of senators is Nancy Binay. On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Tito Sotto.

23: Manny Pacquiao recites Biblical passages whenever he makes love to Jinkee.

24: A private, non-commissioned study showed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas had the longest television exposure among government officials this year on a per minute basis. As of Sept. 16, his total TV exposure was 234 minutes while President Aquino was exposed for about 198 minutes. Rounding out the top 5 were Vice President Jejomar Binay, DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima, and Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

25: Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay were high school sweethearts.

26: In Traveler’s Digest’s list of the 10 “Cities with the World’s Best Looking Men,” Quezon City placed seventh. Not to be outdone, another magazine named Makati City as one of the 10 “Cities in the World With the Longest-Serving Political Families in the City Hall.”

27: LTO Chief Virginia Torres is a Martin Scorsese die-hard. Her favorite Scorsese film is ‘Casino.’

28: The Ateneo De Manila Athletic Council has released an open letter to the Ateneo community enjoining them to cheer for FEU as the Tamaraws battle La Salle in the UAAP Final 4.

untitled
29: After enjoying her first MRT ride, Kris Aquino announces her three next adventures: riding a jeepney in Pasay, swimming in Lagusnilad or España on a stormy day, and taking a ferry ride to Cebu via Sulpicio Lines.

30: When he’s being playful, Sen. Koko Pimentel calls Senators Chiz Escudero and Sonny Angara “beh.”
————————————————-
“The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to steal.”
~ Jimmy Breslin

Sound Bites
“In October, we will come up with the results of the audit on the Malampaya Fund. Let this serve as a heads-up. The results will be explosive.”
~COA Chief Grace Pulido-Tan

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PORK AND NUR

10 09 2013

image
MNLF LEADER Nur Misuari’s men stormed Zamboanga City Sunday hoping to hoist an MNLF flag at the city hall. At press time though, Misuari is nowhere to be found. Some say he’s either in Sulu or Basilan; others believe he’s at Heritage Park.

According to the government, the MNLF is divided, and there are factions within the group. To which Misuari replied, “Look who’s talking!”

Nur Misuari claims he has “1.3 million forces.” Some 300 of them are now in Zamboanga. The rest are in his head.

LETTERS
Dear Ka Nur Misuari,
Maraming salamat po sa kooperasyon. Tatanawin kong malaking utang na loob ang ginawa n’yong ‘yan sa Zamboanga. Salamat po ulit.
Sincerely,
Janet Lim-Napoles
* * *

Dear Governor Misuari,
Perfect timing ka talaga. Saludo kami sa ginagawa n’yo! ‘Wag muna kayong umalis d’yan. Keep it up!
Yours truly,
Pogi, Tanda, Kuya Sexy
* * *

Dear Ka Nur Misuari,
Alam naming galit ka rin at maging ang iyong mga tauhan sa baboy. Pwes, patunayan n’yo! Retreat! Now na!
Nakikiusap,
Pork Barrel Scam Whistle-blowers

image
Dear Janet Lim-Napoles,
Ano ‘tong ikinakalat mong tsismis na magkakilala tayo? Hoy! Nang lumapit kayong mag-asawa sa akin noon, ang sabi mo, “Senator, I’m a fan! Pa-picture naman.” Linawin mo ngayon ‘yan!
Inis,
Frank Drilon
* * *

Dear Senator Frank,
Hindi ako ang naglabas n’yan. Baka na-hack ang Facebook photos ko. Peks man!
Love,
Janet
* * *

Dear Secretary Ochoa,
Sabi mo sa hearing sa Kamara kahapon, hindi mo ako kilala. Nautot ako sa katatawa. Ang funny mo!
Hahaha,
Ma’am Janet
* * *

Dear Ma’am Janet,
Punyeta! Tumahimik ka!
Pikon na,
Ochoa

image Picture, Picture
Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual  pork.

Dinner
The PNP reported that Janet Lim-Napoles was served pork chop for dinner last Sunday. The police described it as “mouth-watering.” Napoles described it as “awkward.”

Last Sunday, Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was served pork chop by the police. Interestingly, she refused to eat it. Instead, she asked her guards to deposit it into a senator’s bank account.

A former helper in the Napoles household said Janet Napoles bathed in milk. It didn’t help.

Black Nazarene
Novaliches Bishop Antonio Tobias confirmed that a monsignor formerly assigned in Quiapo used to transport the Black Nazarene to the residence of Janet Lim-Napoles upon her instructions. Talk about kidnapping and illegal detention!

Pampanga Bishop Paciano Aniceto urges lawmakers who have been linked to Janet Lim-Napoles to return the money to the national treasury. The lawmakers replied, “Sabay tayo!”

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Taguig vs. Makati
After weeks of heated exchange over the disputed Bonifacio Global City (BGC), Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay and Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano declared a ceasefire. Binay has also canceled plans to storm BGC and hoist a Makati flag at The Fort.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.
—————————————-
“If you have to say or do something controversial, aim so that people will hate that they love it and not love that they hate it.”
~ Criss Jami

Sound Bites
“Enrile is a man who has grown so old in government corruption that I believe he was a waiter during the Last Supper. I challenged him to a public debate, but instead, he has chosen to go underground by hiring media hacks to invent stories against me. My advice to this old man is: Get a sex life!”
~ Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Peace!

I am on Twitter.

[Photos: GMA News/ PDI]








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