HISTORIC

13 12 2012

BEFORE DAWN Thursday, the House of Representatives approved on second reading the Reproductive Health Bill. Thank God!

After 14 long years, the Lower House – voting 113 to 104 approved on second reading the Reproductive Health Bill. That was historic! And then Jules Ledesma showed up to vote. That was miraculous!

Members of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines were in full force at the Lower House. But Congress still passed the bill. A historic vote despite the pre-historic presence.

Seated at the gallery was Lipa, Batangas Archbishop Ramon Arguelles who closely monitored the voting. Later, representatives from Batangas province (all 5 of them!) voted AGAINST the RH Bill. The five solons were commended by another anti-RH advocate, alcalde-mayor Vilma Santos.


In defending their votes, a number of congressmen mentioned the Catholic Church, the Apostles’ Creed, Mama Mary, and God Almighty – which prompted God to call and say, “Tigilan n’yo na ang panggagamit sa aking pangalan. Kapag nagnanakaw naman kayo, ‘di n’yo ako naaalala. Okthxbye.”

Sarangani Representative Manny Pacquiao voted against the RH Bill. Pacquiao has now lost three straight.

A congressman was quoted to have said, “If the Reproductive Health Bill was passed in the ‘50s, I’d probably would not be here today.” And his constituents were like, “Sayang!”

In voting ‘no’ to the RH Bill, outgoing marginalized sector representative Mikey Arroyo said, “Hindi ko pwedeng isuko ang aking pagka-Katoliko.” Didn’t you just do that when you married your second cousin?

Iloilo Rep. Augusto Syjuco recited the Apostles’ Creed in defending his vote against the bill. I wonder what prayer he recited when he was charged with plunder.

JinkeePacman Returns
The one, and the only Manny Pacquiao is back. On Wednesday morning, Pacman’s plane landed at round 6, excuse me, around 6.

According to Pacquiao’s assistant trainer, Buboy Fernandez, Manny’s first words upon regaining consciousness after his knock down was, “Boy, nasa’n ka?” To which, Jinkee Pacquio said, “Ah, ganun?! Fine! Hmpf!”

In Ring Magazine’s pound-for-pound ranking, Manny Pacquiao drops to No. 7. Floyd Mayweather Jr. is still No. 1 while Juan Manuel Marquez is at No. 3. The biggest surprise of all was Mommy Dionisia who’s now at No. 6.

From No. 2, Manny Pacquiao has dropped to No. 7 in Ring Magazine’s pound-for-pound ranking. But that was way better than Mon Tulfo who totally dropped out of the list.

Apparently, Canadian pop star Justin Bieber is not a fan of Manny Pacquiao. But I don’t think it’s fair to pillory Justin because of that. You have to understand the kid. In Canada, they only see boxing in hockey arenas.

A congressman has filed a resolution urging the Department of Education to include the inspiring life story of sports icon Manny Pacquiao in the curriculum of grade school pupils. As a sign of gratitude, Pacquiao will file a resolution urging the Commission on Higher Education to include the life story of other congressmen in financial management.

popePope Online
Pope Benedict XVI has finally tweeted. In his first tweet, he addressed his followers as “Friends.” Cool! The next time he uses “Dude,” I’ll be more impressed.

In his sixth tweet, the Pope asked for suggestions on how “to be more prayerful when we are so busy with the demands of work, families and the world.” His followers replied, “BRB, may tatapusin lang.”

Pope Benedict XVI a.k.a. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany is now on Twitter. Beware! Rumors say he’s a grammar Nazi.

nikoSalvaged Online
Atenean cager Nico Salva was criticized and lambasted by netizens (mostly Azkal fans) for tweeting that the football match (Suzuki Cup semifinals) on TV last Wednesday night was boring. I have no idea what Salva was talking about. I fell asleep.

The Azkals lost that match against Singapore. And for the Azkaleros, the last thing you wanna read was a tweet like Salva’s. I totally understand them. Nobody understands the pain of losing more than us, Lakers fans.

Friendster
Apparently, gaming website Friendster is bringing back its social networking features. In other news, Nokia is bringing back 3210.
———————————————————-
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
~ George Carlin

Quote of the Day
“In the dying seconds of my 6th round vs Marquez, a single punch knocked me out. Some thought I was dead. What happened in Vegas strengthened my already firm belief of the sanctity of life.”
~Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao defending his vote against the RH Bill

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





IKAW NA NGA!

10 04 2011

“NITONG MGA NAKARAANG ARAW, marami pong tumitira sa akin lalo na sa Twitter. Nanahimik lang ako. Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Sina Aiza Seguerra, Lea Salonga, Jim Paredes, Agot Isidro, Bianca Gonzales, K Brosas, Tuesday Vargas, Mylene Dizon, Thia Megia, Maria Aragon at ang buong Talent Center ng ABS-CBN… lahat sila nakikisawsaw po sa isyu! Bakit? Ano ba ang nagawa n’yo para sa sambayanang Pilipino? Ano ba ang naitulong n’yo sa ating mga kababayan?

Subukan n’yong lumabas sa gate at mamigay ng pera sa mahihirap, sa special children, sa matatanda, at sa mga nangangailangan! ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong gawin, hindi ‘yong tira kayo nang tira, at Twitter kayo nang Twitter, mga walang career!

Ikaw Jim Paredes, matagal mo na akong tinitira. Sa Friendster pa lang tinitira mo na ako. Get elected first as barangay captain, then let’s talk. Ikaw naman Lea Salonga, Ingles ka nang Ingles! Akala mo ba ‘di ko naiintindihan ang mga tweets mo!? Nagkakamali ka! Dalawa ang dictionary ko sa bahay! At ikaw Tuesday Vargas! Kapatid mo ‘ko, huwag mo akong tirahin. For your information, sa aking show galing ang ipinapasuweldo sa ‘yo! And you, Aiza Seguerra! Hindi ka magkakaanak, tandaan mo ‘yan! Pagdating ng panahon, mauunawaan mo ako! And finally, ikaw Maria Aragon, ‘di ba exploitation ang ginagawa sa ‘yo? Kumakanta kang kasama si Lady Gaga na nakapanty at nakabra lang! Sino ngayon ang nang-aabuso?

‘Yang DSWD at Commission on Human Rights, hinusgahan agad nila ako! Napakaraming dapat asikasuhin pero ako ang tanging nakita nila. Ikaw Secretary Soliman, maraming street children sa streets! Unahin mo sila! At ‘yang highlights mo, ‘di na uso ‘yan!

Sa Human Rights commissioner, maraming OFWs po ang nakakulong! Asikasuhin n’yo muna ang mga kababayan nating tulad ni Ronald Singson bago n’yo ‘ko tirahin!

Pinag-iinitan n’yo ba ako dahil si Vetellano Acosta ang sinuportahan ko noong eleksyon? I will stick with him dahil amusing siya!

Kayong lahat na tumira sa akin, hahanapin ko ang mga tweets n’yo! Kahit wala akong Twitter, hahanapin ko pa rin! Idi-demanda ko kayo! Humanda kayo! Idi-demanda ko kayo!

Aaminin ko, ilang advertisers na rin ang nag-pull out ng kanilang commercials. Masakit po ang ginawa nila. ‘Yang Mang Inasal na ‘yan, napakasama ng asal! Nang-iiwan sa ere. ‘Yong Procter & Gamble, sobrang personal ng sulat n’yo. Pati hair and make up ko, pinapakialaman n’yo. Wala naman akong hinangad kundi ang magpasaya ah. Hindi po ako nang-abuso o nang-molestya. Nasa edad na ‘yong mga seksing dancers! Pumayag sila! At ‘yong mahigit pitumpung namatay sa Ultra, hindi ko kasalanan ‘yon! Kasalanan ng ABS-CBN ‘yon! Gusto nila ng ratings, ayun, tumaas ang ratings ng newscast nila.

Sa ABS-CBN, alam n’yong totoo ang sinasabi ko! Hindi ako natatakot sa inyong demanda. Marami akong lalabas na witness. Kay Mr. M, Johnny Manahan, salamat sa ‘di mo pagtalikod sa akin. Lipat ka na kasi rito! Tara na!

Kay MVP, you’re the best! Maraming salamat sa iyong suporta. Akala ko noong una, iiwan mo rin ako dahil sa pressure ng Inquirer, ng mga columnists, civil society, at ng mayayamang tao sa Twitter at Facebook. Pero mali ang aking akala. Surprisingly, suportado mo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. Apir!

Magpapahinga po muna ako sa susunod na dalawang linggo. Dadalhin ko muna ang yate ko sa Boracay. Pag-iisipan ko pa kung babalik ako sa industriyang ito.

Ipagdasal po ninyo na sana ay makabalik ako at ang ating programa dahil kung hindi… sinong mamimigay sa inyo ng pera? Sinong mamumudmod sa inyo ng papremyo? Sinong tutulong sa mahihirap? Sinong magpapasaya sa mga nalulungkot? Sinong magpapakain sa mga nagugutom? Sinong magtatanggol sa mga walang laban? Sino ang pag-asa ng sambayanan?

Ako lang.

Maraming salamat po sa inyong suporta!”


ACCORDING TO PAGASA, summer will officially start this week. No wonder, Mikey Arroyo and Willie Revillame have been feeling the heat.

Willing Willie
Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech Friday night. He blasted his critics and blamed the previous network for his woes and other unfavorable developments. And President Aquino was like, “Sus! Gaya-gaya ka naman eh.”

While some of his sick and poor fanatics shed tears, Willie Revillame announced on television that he’d go on a two-week break. Rosa Rosal can’t wait to get her job back.


TV host Willie Revillame is taking a two-week break from television. TV5 can now remove the “Parental Guidance” sign on the TV screen.

Willie Revillame said if advertisers would continue to abandon his show, he’d seek the help of network president Ray Espinosa and network boss Manny V. Pangilinan, “even if we lose profit.” To which MVP said, “Bawiin mo ‘yan!”

Willie Revillame delivered a 25-minute speech last Friday evening. The opposition described the speech as lacking in substance as it failed to tackle land reform, economic goals, and foreign policy.


Embattled Ombudsmen
The good news: In the wake of complaints and criticisms hurled against him, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni has reportedly quit his post. The bad news: He told his supporters that he’s just taking a two-week break “upang pag-isipan kung babalik pa ako sa industriyang ito.”

Two weeks ago, President Aquino fired Deputy Ombudsman Emilio Gonzalez III. Last week, Deputy Ombudsman Mark Jalandoni resigned. These developments have prompted Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez to stay saying, “The captain must not abandon a sinking ship.”

Aquino’s Lovelife
According to a Newsbreak report, President Aquino and stockbroker Len Lopez have stopped dating. Sought for comment, Kris Aquino said, “No reaction.” Palace spokespersons said, “No comment.” Shalani Soledad said, “No surprise!”


MY UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE IN SINGAPORE has identified Sabrina Chua of Channel News Asia as the new apple of the eye of President Noynoy Aquino. Is this true Mr. President? Good luck then.


Hungry Filipinos
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 51 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1. Political harassment: Kapag ‘di ka nakabayad ng tamang buwis sa pamahalaan
Halimbawa: “Uy Congressman! Totoo bang kinasuhan ka ng tax evasion?”
“Nooo! Hindi tax evasion ‘yon! Political harassment ‘yon!”

2. “I invoke my right against self incrimination.”
: Guilty as hell. Nagsisinungaling. Nagpapalusot.
Halimbawa: “General, ikaw ba ang last na gumamit ng CR na hindi nag-flush?” “Your honor, I would like to invoke my right against self incrimination.”

3. Reseta: Nauusong instrumento upang makontrol ang pagbebenta at pamamahagi ng kahit ano na lang. Wala lang. Trip lang.
Halimbawa: “Ale, pabili nga ng load.” “Load? Kuha ka muna ng reseta.”
—————————————
“Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.”
~Colin Powell

You Have Spoken
Sa pagsasampa ng BIR ng kasong tax evasion sa mag-asawang Mikey at Angela Arroyo, your take:
- Dapat lang! 66.79%
– Gumaganti lang! 23.1%
– Aalamin ko muna ang detalye. 10.11%

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IMPEACHED!

22 03 2011


News Flash!
A magnitude 212 earthquake shook the Philippine archipelago shortly after midnight Tuesday.

The Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology said the quake’s epicenter was 17.6 km northeast of Manila, and was political in origin.

Intensity 46 was felt by the opposition bloc. Although there were no immediate reports of damage to properties, one casualty was reported. Authorities identified her as Merceditas Navarro Gutierrez, the incumbent Ombudsman of the Philippine government.

Sources say the influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo with the help of lawmakers loyal to the previous administration tried but failed to stop the quake from happening. The tsunami of expected support for Gutierrez fizzled out.

Aftershocks are expected to be felt in the Senate when session resumes in May. The public is advised to prepare and remain vigilant.

A similar tremor has rocked Gutierrez in 2009. However, the pro-Arroyo bloc in the Lower House was able to rescue her. She survived the quake unscathed. At press time, her camp has yet to issue a statement.
(With a report from USGS)

This just in!
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez finally broke her silence after the House of Representatives voted to impeach her. The Professional Heckler was granted an exclusive! But there’s a catch! OMG requested that she be interviewed by someone close to her. So friends, here’s the transcript of a yet to be aired one-on-one conversation between Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez and former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!

GMA: Hello Mercy!
OMG: Hello Glory! I mean, hi ma’am.

GMA: I heard sha akin ka lang nagpa-interview. Maraming shalamat sha pagtitiwalang ibinigay mo sha akin huh.
OMG: Boy Abunda ikaw ba ‘yan? Joke lang ma’am. Siyempre naman ma’am. Kayo pa!?

GMA: Bilish-bilisshan lang natin ‘noh kasshi may check up pa sa St. Luke’ssh shi Mike.
OMG: Bakit ma’am? Anong nangyari?

GMA: No worriessh. Medyo shumakit lang ang batok habang nanonood ng botohan sha Kamara kagabi. He didn’t like my fuchsia dress. He preferred the pink one.
OMG: Pakisabi ho kay Sir, pagaling siya. Sa Mayo na ‘yong trial ko. Kailangang umabot siya do’n.

GMA: Buweno, diretsho na tayo sa mga isshyu. Impeached ka na. Malapit na ang paglilitish mo sa Shenado. How do you feel right now?
OMG: You first ma’am.

GMA: Hihihi. Mapagbiro ka talaga Mershi. Sheriously, hindi ka ba kinakabahan?
OMG: Kayo ma’am, hindi ba kayo kinakabahan? Seriously?

GMA: My gosh naman, Mershi. Ikaw ang iniinterview ko remember? Anshwer my questionssh firssht okay?
OMG: Sorry ma’am. Magulo lang talaga ang isip ko ngayon.

GMA: Inupuan mo nga ba ang malalaking isshyu katulad ng ZTE-NBN deal, ang fertilizer fund ishcam at Euro generalsh scandal?
OMG: Sa tingin n’yo ma’am, may pagkukulang ba ako sa usapin ng Euro generals? May mali ba sa ZTE NBN deal? May scam ba sa fertilizer funds?

GMA: Wala!
OMG: Taaaaaamahhh!
GMA: Remember: ang NBN project, kinanshela ko ang kontrata! Ang fertilizer funds, nagamit sha bukid kahit may El Niño at La Niña, at ang Euro generalsh, kinashuhan mo naman ‘di ba? Sha madaling salita, walang problema!
OMG: ‘Yon na nga ang sinasabi ko ma’am pero ayaw nilang maniwala.

GMA: ‘Di bale, may laban tayo sha Shenado. Pitong boto lang ang kailangan mo para ‘di ka mapatalshik sa puweshto!
OMG: Pero ma’am, balita ko, anytime lilitaw si Lacson. Kalaban ‘yon!

GMA: That cowardly cop?! Shoosh naman! Believe me! We have the numbersh in the Shenate.
OMG: Pero ma’am, sabi ni Senator Enrile, they will vote according to their conscience.
GMA: You believed him? Hahaha! You actually believed Manong Johnny? Kilala ko ang kamada ng mga shenador. Maniwala ka! Mash mauuna ka pang ma-acquit kessha sa pagpayat ni Sharon Cuneta! Hahaha
OMG: Nagpapatawa naman kayo ma’am eh.


GMA: Pinapalakash ko lang ang loob mo Mershi. By the way, may issha pa tayong maaasahang kakampi sha impeachment trial mo!
OMG: Sino ma’am?
GMA: Guesssh.
OMG: Tao ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Babae?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Lalaki!
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Artistahin?
GMA: Puwede!

OMG: Chiz Escudero?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Trillanes???!!!
GMA: That traveling lawmaker while in detention?! Hindi!

OMG: Matanda na?
GMA: Hmmm, pwede!
OMG: Joker Arroyo?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Matandang-matanda?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: Bobo?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: So, hindi si Lito Lapid? Hayyyy, wala na akong maisip. Bong Revilla???
GMA: Hindi! Category ka muna kasshi!
OMG: Okay! Hmmm… lalaki ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo sabi!
OMG: Jamby?!
GMA: Tangek! Wala nang career ‘yon!

OMG: May asawa?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Nabalitang hiwalay at na-link sa kapwa senador?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Angara?!
GMA: Shinabi nang hindi!

OMG: Ang hirap naman. Kakampi natin… hindi pa masyadong matanda… Alam ko na! Bakla??!
GMA: Hindeeeee!

OMG: Oh my gosh. Hindi si Migs. Eh sino? Wala nang iba ah?
GMA: Bilisan mo naman. Two minutes lang.

OMG: Okay… parang 60 pataas ang hitsura?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Gets ko na! Kiko Pangilinan!
GMA: Hindiiiii!

OMG: Aha! Abogado!
GMA: Oo! Oo! Oo!

OMG: TG Guingona!
GMA: Ano ka ba!! Paanong magiging si TG Guingona eh labas-masok ng palasyo ‘yon at sinisiraan ka!

OMG: Wala na akong maisip eh. Ang hirap! Sirit na ako ma’am!
GMA: Hayyy naku! Ang dali-dali! Anjan lang sha lagi! Kakampi natin! Lalaki! Matalino! 60-ish ang edad! Abogado! Hindi mo man lang naisip si Chief Justice Renato Corona??? Kainish ka!
OMG: Ayyyy, ang daya naman. Hindi naman senador ‘yon!
GMA: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong senador? Basta! Puwede kang humingi ng advice do’n! Mahusay ‘yon! Kahit ‘di nagbabasa ng kumpletong dokumento, nakakagawa ng desisyon ‘yon!
OMG: I’ll take note of that ma’am.

GMA: O, pa’no… kailangan ko nang umalish.
OMG: Thank you ma’am. Nag-enjoy ako. Kahit papa’no, nalimutan ko ang aking problema.
GMA: Bashta sha trial, walang laglagan huh. You know where to call me. And Mike.
OMG: Maaasahan n’yo ma’am.

GMA: By the way, were you awake lasht night? Did you see Mikey when he defended you on the floor?
OMG: Yes ma’am. Pero bakit gano’n? Napunta sa OFWs, at sa presyo ng langis at basic commodities ang speech n’ya?
GMA: My gosh Mershi!? Problemado ka nga. You can’t even identify brilliance can you? Mikey showcased brilliance! Patunay lamang na malawak ang alam niya sa nangyayari sa lipunan! So proud of him.
OMG: ‘K.

GMA: Unssholishited advice lang Mershi. ‘Wag masyadong mag-rely sa Igleshia huh. Hindi ito elekshyon. Walang bloc voting ngayon.
OMG: Sige ma’am.

GMA: Wait! Curioush lang ako. Kung niligawan ka ba ni Rudy Fariñas noong nassha Ateneo pa kayo, may chance na maging kayo?
OMG: Eeeew. Si ma’am naman.
GMA: Kung maka-eeew naman ‘to! Choosy??
OMG: Nanonood kasi ang asawa ko ma’am. Ayun o.
GMA: Ay! ‘Di ko nakita. I am shorry.
[End of transcript]


OMG Impeached
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez has been impeached by the House of Representatives. Relatives have prevented her from visiting deceased loved ones in the cemetery.

The House of Representatives has voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. This by far is the biggest accomplishment of Malacañang.

According to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, senators sitting as judge in the impeachment court will vote “according to their conscience,” to which ‘conscience’ said, “Hay salamat, for the first time, magagamit rin kami.”

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez will be tried in the Senate probably in May. Asked about his expectations on the impeachment trial, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Depende. Depende sa laman ng second envelope.”

The Arroyos
During the counting of votes at the House of Representatives Tuesday night, former President and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was caught by TV cameras talking on the phone. Unconfirmed reports say, she was overheard saying, “’Yong dagdag! ‘Yong dagdag sa NO votes, ‘asan na?!”


Defending his NO vote, party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo spoke on the floor and called on President Noynoy Aquino to assist beleaguered OFWs, and lower the prices of basic commodities. Watching at home, Merci Gutierrez was like, “And you expect me to thank you with that defense?”

Pacman Votes
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao who is training in Baguio City voted “No” via Twitter… mainly because he thought the question was, “Can you spell ‘impeachment?’”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao was apparently watching TV when the House of Representatives voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. On his Twitter account, Pacquiao voted “No.” Knowing him though, he’ll throw his support behind the ‘Yes’ voters soon.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao voted “No” via Twitter. Meanwhile, Richard Gomez voted ‘Yes’ via Lucy Torres.

In Other News…

The Court of Appeals has clarified that its earlier decision nullifying the warrant of arrest against fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson is executory. Sought for reaction, an overjoyed Lacson says he can’t wait to come home, go to his office, and convict Merci Gutierrez.

According to lawyer Alex Avisado, Senator Lacson is expected to surface very soon. In hiding for more than a year now, Lacson wants to sponsor some bills, reach out to his constituents, and save the marriage of Pampi and Jodi.

Mrs. Ligot, Again!
On Monday, the Senate Blue Ribbon committee resumed its hearing on the alleged corruption in the AFP. The probe began with the singing of the Philippine National Anthem. It was followed by an Invocation… of the right against self-incrimination.


Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot, admitted that she was on Valium during Monday’s Senate hearing. The first question asked her was, “Do you also produce concerts?”

Trustworthy
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 3 of 4 Filipinos trusted President Noynoy Aquino. To give you an idea, imagine JC Buendia, Paul Cabral, and Randy Ortiz. That’s three. Now, think of Liz Uy.
——————————————–
“Impeachment is not a remedy for private wrongs; it’s a method of removing someone whose continued presence in office would cause grave danger to the nation.”
~Charles Ruff

Survey Says
Ginagapang daw ng Iglesia ni Cristo ang impeachment case vs. Ombudsman Merci Gutierrez. Magtagumpay kaya ang INC at mabasura ang kaso?
-Oh no! Baka MANALO si Merci! 22.34%
– Hindi rin! Sus! 43.26%
– Let’s see. 34.4%

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EXECUTIONS

20 03 2011


Mum on Execution
President Aquino refuses to comment on China’s decision to proceed with the execution of three Filipino drug convicts. The President is dismayed but he opts to keep quiet so as not to offend Beijing, its people, and Jejomar Binay.

China has decided to proceed with the execution of three convicted Filipino drug mules. President Aquino now considers sending Mar Roxas to Beijing.

OMG Impeachment
House justice committee chairman Niel Tupas says the Iglesia ni Cristo is supporting Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG). Alarmed, President Aquino is sending Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris to the INC headquarters.

Liberal Party secretary-general and Cavite Rep. Joseph Emilio Abaya has allegedly sent a text message warning fellow solons of “zero pork” if they wouldn’t vote for the impeachment of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Confused congressmen have less than 48 hours to decide between Iglesia and delihensya.


Overseas…
Libya is in chaos. People are angry, depressed, and losing hope. Wait a minute. That’s not in Libya. That’s outside Banco Filipino branches!

Jobless
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. says the government should brace itself for the rise in the number of unemployed Filipinos. In issuing the warning, Villar cited the developments in Japan, the Middle East, and Banco Filipino.


Radiation
Reports say Japan has detected abnormal levels of radiation in spinach near a stricken nuclear plant. The news has prompted Popeye to declare a truce with Bluto.

Hubert vs. Jessica
Hubert Webb has filed a civil suit against Jessica Alfaro for “giving false testimony.” He’s also filing a suit against Dante Jimenez for “giving Lauro Vizconde false hopes.”


Manila’s Finest?
Five members of the Manila Police District have been detained for allegedly pocketing 12 million pesos in ransom money intended for the release of a kidnapped Malaysian trader. The victim is still in shock. It was his first time to get kidnapped by two separate groups in 24 hours.

Before the accused cops surrendered, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim issued a shoot-to-kill order against them. Lest you forget, Lim has jurisdiction over the Wild, Wild Western Police District.


March 20th…
On this day in:

1868: The Jesse James Gang robs a bank in Russelville, Kentucky. They left with absolutely nothing because the bank they robbed was a branch of Banco Filipino.

1916: Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity. Oprah refuses to endorse it on her ‘Oprah Book Club’ because she couldn’t understand anything.

1942: In Australia, General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech in which he says: “I came out of Bataan and I shall return” – to the delight of Filipinos, and his two mistresses in the Philippines.

1956: Tunisia gains independence from France. Fifty-five years later, it would gain independence from its own president.

1990: Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering – a publicity stunt for her forthcoming return to the Philippines.

1996: The United Kingdom announces that humans can catch “mad cow disease” – otherwise known as pre-menstrual syndrome.

March 21st…
On this day in:

1843: Baptist preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts the world will end today. Tanga! Next year pa!

1970: The first Earth Day proclamation is issued. It didn’t help.

1980: On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas, the infamous character J.R. Ewing is shot by an unseen assailant, leading to the catchphrase “Who shot J.R.?” Ferdinand Marcos insists, “Rolando Galman.”

1985: Larry Flynt offers to sell his pornography empire for $26 million. Vicki Belo attempts but fails to buy it for Hayden Kho Jr.

1997: Inside a coffee shop at Tel Aviv, Israel, a suicide bomber kills 3 and injures 49. The barista survives and is now the manager of Starbucks Jerusalem.
——————————–
“I hate banks. They do nothing positive for anybody except take care of themselves. They’re first in with their fees and first out when there’s trouble.”
~Earl Warren

So True!
“Here, there’s no laws—only red light and green light. The jeepneys don’t respect anything.”
~American cager Marcus Douthit who was recently declared a “naturalized Filipino”

Survey Says
Sa pahayag ng Phivolcs na ripe sa paggalaw ang Marikina Valley Fault Line, ang una mong reaksyon:
-Deadma! Handa ako. 11.83%
-Nakakatakot naman. ‘Wag nga kayong ganyan. 26.33%
-Pray na lang tayo. 61.83%

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DOWN

14 03 2011


The Climb
After the elevator he took going down stalled underground, President Aquino, on Ash Wednesday had to climb the equivalent of 24 floors to reach the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the third floor, he fell on his knees but was able to recover, and continued walking. But members of his official party, and Singaporean officials got the shock of their lives when, upon reaching the sixth floor, he fell for the second time and then “Veronica” appeared and wiped his face.

During a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore, President Aquino and his party were trapped underground and had to climb 24 floors to the surface after the elevator broke down. The president of Singapore has instructed his defeated vice presidential running mate to visit the Philippines and apologize for what happened.

The elevator servicing a water facility plant in Singapore broke down forcing President Aquino to climb 24 stories… or as Filipino consumers would call it, “floor hike.”

President Aquino climbed the equivalent of 24 stories during a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the top, he placed a Philippine flag and scribbled a note on the floor: ” Noynoy was here.”

Reports say President Aquino “coughed along the way” while taking the underground stairs to the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore last week. When he reached the top, Singaporeans applauded him and then, to his surprise, asked: “Dahon or The One?”


Orchid Noy
Last Friday, Singapore named an orchid after President Noynoy Aquino. The orchid has golden yellow petals, and flowering is accelerated by exposure to cigarette smoke.

Singapore’s National Parks Board named an orchid after President Aquino… surprising the Philippine leader who actually expected the board to name a variety of tobacco after him.


Japan Disaster
Nations around the world have been rushing to Japan’s aid after Friday’s devastating earthquake and tsunami. Britain is sending rescue units. China is sending search equipment. The Philippines is sending Joey Salceda.

The bad news: Japan is still trying to avert a meltdown at three earthquake-crippled nuclear reactors. The good news: it is easier to thwart than Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.

Japan is reeling from a disaster of historic proportions. In the Philippines, we have a term for that. Ombudsman.

“Battered”
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG) claims she’s a “battered woman” being harassed by vindictive congressmen. If it’s any consolation, she’s the only ‘battered woman’ in this country who can call for a press conference anytime she wants.

Roxas and Taiwan
President Aquino’s troubleshooter, former senator Mar Roxas will reportedly meet again with Taiwanese officials in Taipei… or as Roxas himself would call it, “dieting.”


March 14…
On this day in…

1879: Albert Einstein is born. The bouncing baby boy weighs 6.5 lbs. And that’s just his brain.

1906: The island of Ustica is devastated by an earthquake. Nations around the globe tried but failed to send help… because they didn’t know where Ustica was located.

1923: Warren Harding becomes the first U.S. president to file an income tax report… a day after Commissioner Kim Henares ordered the strict implementation of the government’s Run After Tax Evaders campaign.

1932: George Eastman, founder of the Kodak Company and inventor of the Kodak camera commits suicide. He and his girlfriend didn’t “click” so he “shot” himself.

1939: The Republic of Czechoslovakia is dissolved… mainly because nobody could spell its name correctly.

1943: Franklin Delano Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane while in office. The airplane crashes because the office is way too heavy.

1947: Moscow announces that 890,532 German POWs are held in the U.S.S.R. German POWs were the first batch of jejemons in the world.

1947: Ambassador Paul V. McNutt and President Manuel A. Roxas sign the Military Bases Agreement at Malacañang Palace. The agreement grants 22 military, naval, and air bases in the Philippines to the United States. In return, the Americans vowed to help develop the country’s red light districts.

1968: After only two seasons on television, ABC aired the finalé of “Batman.” The last episode showed Batman and Robin living happily ever after.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Any-Day-In-History, and Today in Science History.

Almost Arson
Karaoke singer-turned-comedienne-turned-TV host-turned sex video star-turned reality show contestant Ethel Booba tried to burn down her rented condo unit in Quezon City when she discovered that her boyfriend was gay. The CBCP described Ethel’s meltdown as “understandable.”


Pampi and Jodi

Actress Jodi Sta.Maria and husband, Pampi Lacson (son of Sen. Panfilo Lacson) have reportedly called it quits. Their six-year-old son Thirdy laments, “I rarely see my dad.” To which, Pampi said, “So do I.”
————————————————–
“People are resilient. After all, every person born has recovered from nine months on life support.”
~Robert Brault,

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, ano ang magiging hatol ng Senado sakaling humantong sa paglilitis ang impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez?
– Acquitted! Marami siyang kaalyado eh! 22.98%
- Convicted! Period. 42.24%
– Puwede bang maghintay? Huwag nga kayong atat! 34.78%

Have a great week. Always bring a whistle with you. Ingat!

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UP

10 03 2011

Thia Megia!
Filipino-American Thia Megia made it to the Top 13 of American Idol Season 10. This morning, President Aquino ordered his allies in the Liberal Party to vote for her.

An American friend of mine says it seems a bit unfair that Filipinos are allowed to compete in “American Idol” – to which I replied, “Have you seen the players in the Philippine Basketball Association?”

Ash Wednesday
Lent – a season of sacrifice, officially began March 9 according to the Christian calendar. But according to the oil firms’ calendar, it began last week.

For the third time in eight days, the cost of fuel went up… or as oil companies would tell one another, “Merry Christmas!”

The Daily Bread
Aside from rising fare rates and fuel costs, the price of bread has also gone up. To give you an idea of how this has affected the lives of Filipinos, this Sunday, the Catholic Church is giving away bread coupons before the communion.

Gravity!
Reports say a woman fell from the 18th floor of a condominium in Makati City and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor of the building. At last, a news report that doesn’t use the word “hike,” “up,” “rise,” or “increase.”

A 20-year-old woman fell from the 18th floor of a condo building in Makati City, and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor. She survived the fall, and was eventually crowned first runner-up.


Noy in Jakarta
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is part of President Aquino’s delegation to Indonesia and Singapore as a “private adviser” – or as critics would say, “private president.”

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, former senator Mar Roxas paid for his airfare to Indonesia… something that wasn’t that remarkable, since he availed himself of Cebu Pacific’s Piso Fare Promo.


Last March 7, President Aquino flew low cost taking a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. He saved on government funds, and he enjoyed watching the dancing stewardesses.

President Aquino and his 53-man delegation took a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta last March 7. The president of Indonesia was “forewarned” so he delayed the welcome dinner for at least two hours.

In a speech before the Filipino community in Indonesia, President Aquino took a swipe at the Philippine media for reporting more negative news instead of positive ones. He specifically said, “I’ve announced many good developments, but my love life gets more attention.” So fault ng media? Fault ng media na bokya ka?

Viel’s Wish
President Aquino’s sister, Viel Aquino-Dee says she is wishing that her brother Noynoy would get married before his term ends in 2016. Viel is reportedly doing everything to make that wish come true. In fact, she has been relentlessly looking for a priest who’s willing to marry a man and a car.

Osama’s Birthday
Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is celebrating his 54th birthday today, March 10. It has been a busy and productive day for him so far. This morning, he renewed his driver’s license.

Islamic extremist Osama bin Laden is reportedly depressed. His birthday has been overshadowed by the apparent suicide of a former Al-Qaeda general who was accused of corruption.

Osama bin Laden is now 54 years old… or as Senator Enrile would call it, teenager.

Osama Bin Laden turns 54 today. He can’t wait to go home and enjoy the food prepared by his 54th wife.

Every year, Bin Laden’s youngest kids would participate in parlor games to entertain him on his birthday. But the tradition was stopped last year when the kids, oblivious of their father’s politics, played ‘Trip to Jerusalem.’

Sources say Osama bin Laden has been getting sickly of late. As a matter of fact, the 54-year-old Islamic extremist has an upset stomach at this very moment. Good thing there’s Al Qaeda-Seltzer.


Today is March 10
On this day in…

1876: Alexander Graham Bell makes the first successful telephone call to his assistant, Mr. Watson who was in a nearby room. The first words spoken into the invention were, “Hello Watsshon, will I still lead by 1 million?”

1910: China ends slavery… replacing it with child labor.

1911: Three La Salle Brothers – Augusto Coerrege, Blimond Pierre, and Louis Aloysius Gonzaga – arrived in Manila from Europe. They played three-on-three with Ateneo’s Jesuit priests.

1945: American troops land on Mindanao. Condom sales tripled.

1977: Astronomers discover rings around Uranus. Doctors would later call it ‘hemorrhoids.’

UST’s Cross
Sending a message “against the passage of the Reproductive Health Bill,” some 24,000 students, teachers, and school personnel converged at the University of Sto. Tomas to form what could perhaps be the world’s largest human cross. | ‘k.


Flash Back!
World bantamweight champion Nonito Donaire Jr. is back from the United States. In high spirits and all smiles, he was met by Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim at the airport. But Donaire’s mood suddenly changed when Mayor Lim handed him a token of appreciation from the City of Manila – a camisa de Chino.

La Salle: 100
The La Salle Community is celebrating 100 years of La Sallian presence in the Philippines today, March 10. La Salle students originally planned to form another human cross to beat the record set by UST yesterday. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on what shape to form.
——————————
“The only thing that we can be sure rises faster than the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.”
~R. Owens

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, ano ang magiging sunod mong hakbang?
– Impeachment. Haharapin ko ‘yan! 32.33%
Makapag-resign na nga! D’yan na kayo! 45.75%
– Mag-iisip pa ko. Wait lang. ‘Wag demanding! 21.92%

Personal
Happy birthday to my frenemy TJ Manotoc, Miami Heat’s publicist, chief apologist, and No. 1 fan in the Philippines, and to Ms. Pia Hontiveros of ANC’s Strictly Politics!

Have a safe weekend ahead!

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KASABIHAN 2011

7 03 2011

Mga bagong kasabihang “inspired” ng mga kaganapan sa ating paligid:

Ang sundalong nasusugatan, nag-iibayo ang tapang. Ang sundalong naaakusahan, maraming nalilimutan.

Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa, nasa mga heneral ang biyaya.

Ang paalala ay gamot sa nakakalimot, maliban na lang kung apelyido mo’y Ligot.

Kapag binato ka ng bato, PDEA ang tawagin mo!

Ang taong nagigipit sa bise presidente kumakapit. #drugmules

Bato, bato sa langit, kongresista ang nagpuslit.

Walang matiyagang lalaki sa pihikang babae. #lizuy

Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may endorsement, may appointment. #aminin!

Naghangad ng kagitna, ‘sang salop ang nawala. Naghangad ng pogi, sa Vietnam nagwala. #mislang

Magpakahaba-haba man ang bakasyon, sa Malacaňang pa rin ang tuloy! #roxas

Ang kalusugan ay kayamanan… sabi ng mga Sharonian.
———————————-
Personal

The Miami Heat absorbed its fourth consecutive loss Monday morning (Manila time). During the post game interview, Korina asked LeBron James, “How does it feel to lose?” Lebron replied, “You first.”

After losing its game against the Chicago Bulls, some players of the Miami Heat got so emotional and cried. Their blood pressure also shot up. Because of this, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada decided not to ask post game questions.

It was another heartbreaking loss for the Miami Heat today. After the game, the players refused to talk to their Fil-Am coach Erik Spoelstra. In fact, they refused to MENTION the name of Coach Spo in television interviews. Felt slighted, Spoelstra complained about the “omission” to the KBP. .

Supreme Booboo!

Two weeks after its sister publication, Pilipino Star Ngayon announced that actor Paquito Diaz has died (when in fact, he was very much alive then), the Philippine Star on Monday, March 7 published a photo of former Philippine Ambassador to the US Willy Gaa and identified him as the newly-appointed Armed Forces chief Lt. Gen. Eduardo Oban Jr. in a banner story. Because of this latest blunder, the newspaper has decided to change its slogan to: (The Philippine Star) Oops shall prevail.

In Hollywood…
Charlie Sheen has been officially fired from “Two and a Half Men” on CBS. He is now considering an offer from TV5.


Today is March 8.
On this day in…
1565: The grandson of Miguel Lopez de Legazpi – Felipe Salcedo, takes possession of Leyte Island. But not after a bloody battle with the Romualdez family who would insist that Leyte was theirs.

Corny Corner
Q: Bakit ayaw magbakasyon ni Nonito Donaire Jr. sa China?
A: Kasi maraming Chino!
(Aminin!!)

Saturday Night Life
Last Saturday evening, we played another game on Twitter. The question was: If a famous Filipino’s sex organ could talk, what would it say? Here are some of my followers’  answers:

1: From @mykapalaran – Kris Aquino: Hello there! You look at them when you say hello there!
2: From @OscarDelaHopia – Teofisto.Guingona: Ang dami ko nang wrinkles.
3: From @iamDanyel – Loren Legarda: Ampalaya na naman?!
4: From @kettle_corn77 – Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto ko happy ka!
5: From @friedsoup – Kuya Germs: Walaaaaaang tulugan!
6: From @ylanna1925 – Korina: Hay sa wakas may naglakas-loob!
7: From @paopaoAJ – Hayden Kho: Only Belo touches my skin.
8: From @edge_genciagan – Mike Enriquez: Nakatutok, 24 Oras!
9: From @mikay_michelle – Boy Abunda: Kaibigan, usap tayo.
10: From @chiccoholic – Joey de Venecia: Back off!
11: From @one_lad – Joseph Estrada: Walang kumpa-kumpare, walang kama-kamag-anak, walang kai-kaibigan.
12: From @gigadom – Lovi Poe: Eighteen months? Eighteen months!!!!!???
13: From @markycortez – Mel Tiangco: Kasama mo, ngayon, bukas at magpakailanman.
14: From @iamjeram – Manny Pacquiao: Now you know.
15: From @Ro_nnie – Noli de Castro: T-Veyyy………………… Patrol!
16: From @momiitintin – Boy Abunda: Su-su-nod!
17: From @yourarcilicious – Chris Tiu: One Big Fight!
18: From @P0yt – John Lloyd Cruz: Ingat!
19: From @jpdoria – Michael V: Yari ka!!!
20: From @AbigailLimHo – Marian Rivera: Byutipoool.
21: From @MiaSariwa – Susan Roces: Not once! But twice!
22: From @jelandote – MMDA Chairman: May namatay na dito. (Gano’n kalaki?)
23: From @prettygoofykay – Mike Enriquez: Paaaasok!
24: From @angeldirecto – Charo Santos: Maalalala mo kaya?
25: From @purplefrance – Anthony Taberna: Dos por dos! (mehhhganun?)
26: From @ian_yg – Boy Abunda: Now na!!!
27: From @mchX – PBA Commentator: Kapit bayan!
28: From @jayspogi – Ruffa Gutierrez: Grabeehhh!
29: From @andredashpaul – Mar Roxas: P*t*ng-I*a! Ano ba ‘tong pinasok ko?
30: From me: Rufa Mae Quinto: Teka, kilala kita ah! Galing na rito ang tatay mo! #alamMoNA! #MrM!

Enjoy your week!

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THE GOOD WIVES (?)

6 03 2011


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
– Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
– Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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3 03 2011


Today is MARCH 3.
On this day in…

1815: The Kailianes (common people) of Sarrat, Ilocos Norte starts a rebellion against the Spaniards. More than a century later, Ferdinand Marcos would hail the Kailianes’ victory, and flaunt the three medals he received for fighting with them.

1847: Scottish-born American inventor Alexander Graham Bell is born. The midwife was stunned when baby Alexander didn’t cry, and uttered the word “hello” instead.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Seconds later, the king of Saudi received a Facebook friend request from the American president.

1939: Mahatma Gandhi begins fasting to protest the state’s autocratic rule… eventually becoming the first winner of “The Biggest Loser India.”

2001: Voting 13-0, the Philippine Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, not Joseph Estrada. The legitimacy would last only three years.

2005: Millionaire Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo without refueling… mainly because he couldn’t afford the cost of fuel.

Have a safe Thursday!

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Any Day In History, and Today in Science History.





NOYNOY vs. BONGBONG

1 03 2011


President Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Bongbong Marcos exchanged potshots last week.

According to Sen. Bongbong Marcos, the Philippines could have been a rich state like Singapore if his father had not been ousted 25 years ago. In another news, a drug test among senators has been proposed.

This just in: There had been an intense and personal exchange of text messages between President Aquino and Senator Bongbong Marcos over the weekend. A reliable source who requested anonymity intercepted the following messages.

BONGBONG: can we tok?
NOYNOY: hu u?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! u deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino k b?
BONGBONG: gago! senator bongbong here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! y wud i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagre-rebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joooke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagde-decide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?
Silence.
(Note: Bongbong Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)


The Oscars
The telecast of the 83rd Academy Awards took more than three long hours to finish. Observers say the presentation was slow, or as OFWs in Libya would call it, DFA.

Singson Quits
Reports say jailed lawmaker Ronald Singson has resigned his post as Ilocos Sur representative. Quitting his post was the second most difficult decision he has made in years… next only to quitting drugs.


Killed by the Press
Last Sunday, the Philippine Star’s sister tabloid, Pilipino Star Ngayon headlined the “death” of veteran actor Paquito Diaz. But the actor’s family was quick to clarify that he was still very much alive. Embarrassed and shocked by its own blunder, the tabloid edited the story’s online edition, and wrote: “Paquito Diaz, pumanaw na! (Joooke!)”

Pilipino Star Ngayon or PSN has yet to identify the person who wrote the erroneous story on Paquito Diaz. And journalist Arlyn De La Cruz was like, “Don’t look at me!”
—————-
“The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse.”
~Author Unknown

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao, hayop o bagay na nasa larawan?
A: “Tweet! Tweet! Dadapo na ako sa pugad ko! Ayun o! Tweet! Tweet! Meron akong malaking itlog sa pugad!”
B: “Teka lang! Huwag mo akong pahiyain, may nakatutok na mga camera! Hindi ako ang istatwa! Ayun si Cardinal Sin, do’n ka!”
C: “Hahaha! Eh kasi naman anak, hindi ako kamukha ni Cardinal Sin! Mas kamukha ko si Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales! Siguro nagkamali ng kinopyahang picture ang iskultor! Aminin!”

Survey Says
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa sentensyang 18 months na imprisonment kay Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson?
– Puwede na ‘yon. Matututo rin ng leksyon ‘yan! 12.35%
Sus! Ano ‘yon bakasyon? Dapat d’yan mas mabigat na parusa! 79.22%
– Wala akong pakialam! Piolo and KC Forever! 8.44%

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MESSAGES

8 02 2011


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESIDENT Benigno Simeon “Noynoy’ Aquino III. This has been a hectic day for the President. He’s been busy answering questions like, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” and “Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pagkamatay ni Secretary Reyes?”

On his 51st birthday, President Aquino went to the Land Transportation Office to renew his driver’s license. Talk about priorities.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on President Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Noy! Krissy here. Gosh! You’re 51 na!. In fairness huh, you don’t look your age. Para ka lang 50. Aha-ha-ha. Get back to you later. Taping lang ng ‘The Price Is Right’ – magpa-pilot on my birthday. Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko Noy! Pati sa answering machine mo, nagpu-promote ako! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 9: “Hi Noy! Si Shalani ‘to. Ok.Thx.Bye!”

No. 8: “Oist! Ang bagal mo! ‘Asan ka na ba? Paubos na ang pulutan. Bilisan mo. Si Topaquits to. Kanpaiii!”

No. 7: “Mr. President, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginustong agawan ka ng atensyon sa iyong kaarawan. Pero nandito na ‘to eh, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko naman puwedeng bawiin. Happy birthday na lang! Si Angie Reyes nga pala ‘to.”

No. 6: “Ni hao ma! ‘Kaw ba ‘yan Plisidinte? Donald Tsang ‘to. Pati birdei, iyo telefono bisi. Ako dalawa ulit tawag iyo, lagi sabi, “Da numbel you dial is test-drybing. Ano ba iyo test dryb: Lexus? Ako naman gusto lang bati iyo. Pero phone mo naka-answeling machine. Hayyy na ko. Eniwei, hapi birdei. Pa-borger ka naman. Gusto ko borger sa McDo. Kasi McDonald Tsang. Ay korni. Ang korni ko. Ba bu na!”

No. 5: “Mahal na pangulo, hulaan mo na lang kung sino ako. Clue: Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron kang free will, gamitin mo ito. Happy birthday!”

No. 4: “Pards! Rico E. Puno ‘to! ‘Musta na? Naks! Singkwenta’y uno! Parang waist line ko lang! Happy birthday pards! Siguro naman, nalimutan na ng publiko ang mga kasalanan ko ‘no?! Babalik din ako d’yan kapag tuluyan nang natabunan ang isyu ng carjacking. Imagine na lang kung bumalik ako d’yan two weeks ago, wala akong maisasagot! Ano ako hilo? Don’t worry, I have pasalubong! Mahaba. Matigas. Maitim. Pumuputok! Ha ha ha! I know u missed me! Aminin! Sige pards… happy birthday ulit!”

No. 3: “Gosh! Sino ba ‘yong nag-iwan ng Message No. 4? He’s so… basta! He’s so! Hay naku Noy! You and the friends you keep talaga! Anyway, si Krissy ulit ‘to! Umiiyak na naman si Bimby, ano baaaa!? Naloka talaga ako nang lumapit kanina ang bagets. Nagsusumbong siya! Aha-ha-ha! “Mama, Tito Noy took my PSP. Mama, get it na from him.” Nakakaloka ka! Puwede, pakibalik? Now na!”

No. 2: “Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Wusshuuuu! Tampo ka na ‘no? Akala mo nalimutan ko na ang birthday mo? Puwede ba naman ‘yon? Kahit laging si Chiz ang kasama mo sa iyong Porsche, ‘di kita pwedeng balewalain! Sayang ang endorsement sa 2016 noh! Jooooke! O siya, enjoy your day. Try to get some ok? Joooke! Seriously pare, you need a girlfriend. Gumaya ka sa akin, almost perfect ang buhay. Happy sa wife, panalo ang sex life. Joooke!”

And the No. 1 birthday message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hellow? Noyci? Oh shorry. What I mean ish, Noynoy pala. I’m shure, ‘di mo inaashahan ang tawag na ito. And i’m alsho shure ayaw mong mag-greet ako. ‘Wag ka nang chooshy okay? In the firsssht pleysh, wala kang choish. Alam ko ang lahat ng numbersh sha palashyo. We’re not enemish naman ‘di ba? Nabashura na ang Truth Commisshion. So letsh move on, can’t we? Yesh, we can! Happy fifty-firssht birthday. ‘Wag mo nang ipagkalat na tumawag ako okay? Baka ma-chishmish pa tayo. Shecret na lang. Sssssh.”

Ka Joma’s Day, Too!
Today is also the 72nd birthday of CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison. To mark the Communist leader’s birthday in the Philippines, the New People’s Army blew up a cake.


Reyes, 65
The news spread like wildfire on the Internet: former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes is dead. But nobody believed the news item when it first came out… mainly because it was reported by Arlyn De La Cruz.

Angelo T. Reyes is dead. The AFP is shocked. They lost a former leader. DENR, DOE and DND employees are grieving. They lost a former boss. Oil firms are in mourning. They lost a former spokesman.

Quoting sources, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Secretary Angelo Reyes’ last word was “Sorry.” If that’s a clue, we know whom to blame for his death, ‘noh?

Former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes committed suicide. He shot himself while visiting his mother’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina City. A similar incident actually took place in 2005 when banker Ted Borlongan (who was then facing court cases) committed suicide near his mother’s & brother’s grave also at the Loyola Memorial Park. If you’re asking if ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia and Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot have relatives in the same cemetery, that I don’t know.

According to reports, former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes died from a self-inflicted wound to the chest. When Reyes’ boss, former president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Sana mahuli agad ang suspek.”

Beware!
Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!

Living Ligot
According to official records, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot owns eight houses in the United States. Quizzed about the properties, Ligot told the Senate he wasn’t aware of it. In fact, it was only during yesterday’s hearing that Ligot found out he had a wife.

Official records also showed Lieutenant General Ligot’s wife traveled at least 42 times to the US, Singapore, and Hong Kong from 1993 to 2004. Again, Ligot denied any knowledge of his wife’s travels. Why would he care nga naman? It wasn’t his money she was spending. Sa taumbayan ‘yon!

This just in:
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot is reportedly visiting the wake of former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes. Asked about the schedule of her visit, Lt. General Ligot says he’s not aware of her plans.

Oil Price Hike
Reports say the unrest in Egypt could actually lead to an increase in gas prices… or as Shell, Petron, and Chevron would call it, “big payday.”
——————————-
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~Norman Cousins

Ouch!
“Para akong nabunutan ng tinik.” – stylist Liz Uy sa pagtatapos ng isyung nag-uugnay sa kanila ni Pangulong Aquino. Liz shares the same birth date with him. Happy birthday!

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, makatarungan ba ang pagkakabasura ng Court of Appeals sa murder charges laban kay Senador Lacson?
– OO. Free him! 16.28%
- HINDI! It’s unfair. 72.87%
– Hindi ko alam ang issue. 10.85%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Angelo Reyes: “Wala na ‘to pare…”

Direk Joey Reyes on the Ligots: Discreet art of lying

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Take care everyone! #teamlakers #beattheheat





PERSONS OF INTEREST

30 01 2011

THE FILIPINO-CHINESE community will be celebrating Chinese New Year this week. Aside from the usual fireworks display, there will be dancing, drinking, singing, and the most anticipated part of the Armed Forces of the Philippines – “gift giving.”

Rabusa’s Exposé
During a Senate hearing last week, retired Lt. Col. George Rabusa, erstwhile military budget officer revealed that former Armed Forces chiefs allegedly received millions of pesos in “gifts” drawn from military funds. It turned out however that there was really nothing new in Rabusa’s revelation because this tradition in the Philippine military antedates Santa Claus himself.

Former AFP chief Angelo Reyes allegedly amassed more than P100 million during his 20-month tenure plus no less than P50 million “pabaon” when he retired in 2001. In a Senate hearing, an emotional Reyes confronted retired Lt. Col. George Rabusa and asked, “Ikaw na ang magsabi, ako ba’y naging ganid o suwapang?” No sir, that’s not ganid; that’s not swapang. That’s plunder.

Are you familiar with Lt. Col. George Rabusa?? As a former military budget officer, he was used by his superiors to amass millions of pesos from military funds. Today, he is being used by the Estradas to get back at Angelo Reyes. Apparently, he’s getting used to it.


Chaos in Cairo
In the Northern African nation of Egypt, thousands of protesters are camping out against the regime of President Hosni Mubarak. Just so you know, Mubarak has been in power for 29 long years… or as the Binays of Makati City would say, “Bago pa lang.”

Thousands of Egyptians are camping out in Egypt demanding the ouster of President Hosni Mubarak. Demonstrators wanted him out of their country. In case he flees, Mubarak is not sure where to go yet although the 84-year-old leader has received “exile offers” from Israel, France, and Senator Loren Legarda.

Interesting
As authorities continue to hunt down the perpetrators of the bombing of a bus in Makati City last week, the Philippine National Police released Friday computer generated images (CGI) of two men whom they described as “persons of interest” – or as the PNP would say but couldn’t, “Sana ay sila na nga.”

In connection with the recent bombing of a bus in Makati City, the PNP released the CGI of two men whom they referred to as “persons of interest” – otherwise known as “the CHR is watching so let’s just call them as such.”

Authorities have released the CGI of two “persons of interest” in connection with the bombing of a passenger bus in Makati City last week. In an interesting turn of events, starlet Katrina Paula told the media that one of the men was her boyfriend.

Bruno Mars
Filipino-American R&B artist Bruno Mars is facing a court case for cocaine use. If his career takes a major hit because of drugs, he plans to just settle in the Philippines and run for Congress.

Cars
According to a study, a woman’s least favorite spot for sex is the car. Yes Mr. President, that includes Porsche.
————————————-
“Who lies for you will lie against you.”
~Bosnian Proverb

This just in!
Carjacking near Ayala. Flooding in Jeddah. Nonstop rains in South Africa. And now, KC and Piolo na? Strange times indeed. Strange times. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with you…

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong bahagi ng destabilization plot ang isyu ng carjacking at ang naganap na pambobomba sa bus sa Makati?
– No! Kalokohan. 27.56%
– ‘Yong bombing ng bus, posible. ‘Yong, carjacking, hindi. 47.44%
– YES to both! May mga grupong sinusubukan ang kakayahan ng gobyerno. 25%

PERSONAL

Last Saturday, we had so much fun playing another game on Twitter. Tweeps were asked: Ano ang isasagot mo kapag sinabihan ka ni Pangulong Aquino: “Will you marry me?” Check out the list of the funniest entries here.

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Have a safe Monday and enjoy another great week!





BLASTED

27 01 2011


CRITICIZED FOR IGNORING travel advisories issued by at least six countries last November, President Aquino said those advisories quoted specific threats on a mall.Dear Terrorists: Next time, kung aatake kayo, umatake kayo sa pinagbantaan n’yong lugar, okay? Kung mall, mall! Huwag n’yong lituhin ang aming pangulo.”

Reacting to criticisms that the government ignored travel advisories issued by at least six foreign governments last year, President Aquino said those warnings had no basis, and specifically quoted an imminent attack on a mall. “Dear Foreign Governments: Next time, kung maglalabas kayo ng travel advisory, puwede ba isama n’yo na pati bus, train, at iba pang PUVs dito sa Pilipinas? Ayan tuloy, nasisi pa kayo.”

On Wednesday, President Aquino reiterated that last year’s travel advisories issued by at least six countries had no basis and insisted that the warning was about a possible terror attack on a mall, and not on a bus. “Dear Bus: Next time na may banta sa ‘yo ng terorismo, magsalita ka okay? At ikaw naman mall, por diyos por santo naman, safe ka na pala, ‘di ka man lang nagsabi sa gobyerno!”


According to President Aquino, the government is not pointing yet to any particular individual or group as being behind the bombing of a passenger bus in Makati City last Tuesday. Therefore, you’re not off the hook yet, GMA!

DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo revealed that authorities were looking at three angles in the bombing of a passenger bus in Makati City. At press time though, the police have yet to determine the right angle.

According to Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo, police are eyeing three angles in the bombing of a bus in Makati City last Tuesday: terrorism, destabilization and diversionary tactic. And that’s just half of the information gathered by the DILG. The other half will be revealed soon by Undersecretary Rico E. Puno.


Chief Supt. Jose de los Santos, head of the special task force investigating the bombing of a bus in Makati City says his men have finished the cartographic sketches of the two suspects. He promised to release the sketches Thursday. Promise huh? Baka drawing lang ‘yan.

Meanwhile, the Philippine National Police reported a 41-percent decrease in criminal activities in the country. In fairness, hindi halata.
———————————
“Every crime is born of necessity. If you want less crime, you must change the conditions. Poverty makes crime. Want, rags, crusts, misfortune – all these awake the wild beast in man, and finally he takes, and takes contrary to law, and becomes a criminal.”
~Robert Ingersoll, A Lay Sermon

Father & Son
Noon:

Ngayon:

Elsewhere
Maria Ressa: Jan. 25 Manila bus bombing – Who did it?

Newsbreak: 10 stories — and our troubles after

Newsbreak: Here’s a list of Gen. Garcia’s ‘sins’

Saturday Night Life
Last January 22, we played another game on Twitter. The topic: Song titles to describe famous Filipinos. Here are some of the entries that were tweeted and RTd. Enjoy!

1: From @bochokoi – Exec. Sec. Jojo Ochoa: Hari ng Sablay
2: From @mas10ph – President Aquino: All By Myself
3: From @atotibonjing – ex-President GMA: Sana Maulit Muli
4: From @dexdixidexy – Shalani Soledad and President Aquino: Bad Romance
5: From @princejayr – Mai Mislang: I Started a Joke
6: From @iamjustinjay – DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo: Hanging By A Moment
7: From @brymcasa – Ellen Lising: Thriller
8: From @iamjustinjay – ex-Sen. Mar Roxas: Kung Ako Na Lang Sana
9: From @Kent_Ryan029 – ex-Sen. Tessie Aquino-Oreta: Just Dance
10: From @breakawayjay – ex-Maj. General Carlos F. Garcia: Billionaire
11: From @bochokoi – ex-Sen. Jamby Madrigal: Babae Po Ako
12: From @breakawayjay – Sen. Ping Lacson: Already Gone
13: From @ericus – Exec. Sec. Jojo Ochoa: Laklak
14: From @Lainezism – Atty. Sixto Brillantes: Kahit Maputi na ang Buhok Ko
15: From @cookiecaliao – PNoy and his women: Isang Linggong Pag-ibig
16: From @IMGoryo – DILG Usec. Puno + Jojo Ochoa: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved
17: From @kaka25yehey – PGMA: All The Small Things
18: From @kaka25yehey – ex-Maj. Gen. Garcia: Almost Paradise
19: From @ylanna1925 – GMA: I’ve Had The Time Of My Life
20: From @knightkira – ex-PresGMA – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
21: From @princejayr – Mkti City Mayor Junjun Binay & Kris: Ebony and Ivory
22: From @iamvixen_1218 – Jake Joson: Walking After You (si Jake Joson ang Pambansang Anino)
23: From @ylanna1925 – Shaina and John Llyod: Stuck on You
24: From @jayspogi – President Aquino: Can’t Buy Me Love
25: From @tweetearl – Manny Villar and the Presidency: If I Had You
26: From @iamDanyel – Samar & Balay Groups: Invisible War
27: From @chaestra – AVE Partylist Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay: Rude Boy (Rihanna)
28: From @jmreyes816 – ex-Senators Maceda and Osmeña: I’m Coming Out
29: From @botchangbalut – Alvin Elchico of ABS-CBN News: Gasolina
30: From @markycortez – Lauro Vizconde: Waiting in Vain
31: From a journalist who requested anonymity – Vicki Belo/Ellen Lising/Madame Auring/Jinkee Pacquiao: Am I the Same Girl
32: From @krephel – Ellen Lising: Bring me to Life
33; From @copochax – Senator Enrile: 100 years
34: From @IMGoryo – Ted Failon & Gretchen Fulido: Tukso
35: From @mas10ph – Madam Auring: The Ghost in You
36; From @andredashpaul – Sen. Ping Lacson: Somewhere Out There
37: From @marmieliquigan – Joel Cruz: Smells Like Teen Spirit
38: From another journalist who requested anonymity – Mar Roxas, Korina Sanchez and Malacañang: Impossible Dream
39: From @Ro_nnie – Bro. Mike Velarde:Umbrella
40: From @Harr1etTheSpy – Senator Enrile: Barely Breathing
41: From @pilyosopo – Senator Lito Lapid: Nothin’ on You (by B.O.B.)
42: From another anonymous journalist: President Aquino’s Cabinet: Estudyante Blues
43: From @gianjuliano – Jamby Madrigal: Man in the Mirror
44: From @ericus – Sen. Trillanes and the freed rebel soldiers – Who Let the Dogs Out
45: From @iamjustinjay – DOT Usec Romano upon his resignation – Nilunok Kong Lahat
46: From @marielitams – Corrupt MMDA traffic enforcers – Ilagay Mo Kid (Hagibis)
47: From @annabanana168 – ex-PGMA: Don’t Stop ’til You get Enough
48: From a prominent person who requested anonymity PNoy and his Porsche: Only Hope
49: From @belfrans – President Aquino: Alone
50: From @bethangsioco – President Aquino: Ang Boyfriend Kong Baduy
51: From @ericus – Sharon Cuneta: Hips Don’t Lie
52: From @scuzzzy – President Aquino:Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman
53: From @scuzzzy – Donald Tsang to PNoy: Answer The Phone
54: From @pinoyoragon – DOJ on Lacson: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
55: From @mikay_michelle – Steeeeeeeeve Dailisan of GMA News: Longer
56: From @martian09 – Sharon Cuneta: Bigger Than My Body

If you want to join our game, just log on to Twitter between 9:30 and 11:30PM every Saturday. No need to register. Just follow me here.

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Enjoy the rest of the week. Doble ingat! #teamlakers #beattheheat

Patawa!
Thanks to Chico of RX93.1 for the idea. Translate ‘molecule enraged’ to Filipino using Google Translate. Go! Matatawa ka, pramis!





CRIMINAL MINDS

25 01 2011

Singson Update
Today, January 26, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson will be arraigned in Hong Kong for a drug offense. The embattled congressman is expected to enter a plea of “set up.”

Carjack Suspects
Alleged carjack ringleaders Raymond and Roger Dominguez of Bulacan have faced a total of 28 criminal charges in various courts in Bulacan and Pampanga since 2007. Of those cases, 20 were for repeated car theft… otherwise known as “clueless police syndrome.”

Raymond Dominguez has surrendered to authorities. He hopes to enter into a plea bargain agreement with government prosecutors soon.

Starlet Katrina Paula defended her boyfriend Raymond saying he is not a carjacker. With 20 car theft cases, hindi carjacker? Eh ano siya, car enthusiast?

Q&A
101 Answers to the Question “Carnapper ka?”
No. 32: “Heller! Matagal na kong nag-resign sa LTO ‘noh!”

No. 23: “Anong carnapper ang pinagsasasabi mo jan?! Starlet ako. ‘Yong boyfriend ko ang carnapper.”

No. 13: “Ang bilis mo namang makalimot General! Para namang wala tayong pinagsamahan.”

No. 31: “Ssssh, ano ka ba?! Ang ingay mo! Baka marinig tayo ni Speaker, start na yata ang session.”

No. 52: “Carnapper? OA ka naman. Holduppper lang! Taas ang kamay holdup ‘to!”

No. 25: “Recreationally.”

No. 43: “Minsan. Kapag walang duty sa presinto.”

No. 34: “Eh ba’t nagrereklamo ka? Kung sina mayor at hepe nga ‘di umaangal, ikaw pa!”

No. 61: “Grabe ka namang manghusga. Ikaw nga eh. ‘Di ba dati kang congressman?”

Not True
DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo ruled out any destabilization attempt against the government using the recent carjacking incidents. Robredo also dismissed rumors the carjacking of Margarita Fores’ Land Cruiser and the appointment of Atty. Sixto Brillantes to the Comelec were aimed at destabilizing the Liberal Party.

Garcia (Not) Missing
On Monday, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said former AFP comptroller Carlos F. Garcia – who is close to revealing his “principals” (in a corruption case) from the previous administration, was missing… to which former Arroyo PMS chief Mike Defensor said, “Eh ba’t ganyan kayo makatingin?”

According to Senator Trillanes, ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia cannot go to the United States because the US government is hostile to him. In fact, the US is more hostile to him than local authorities.

Snubbed
DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s request for a meeting with Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay on the city’s peace and order situation was turned down. The peace and order situation in the city is okay. The peace and order situation between Samar and Balay is not.

Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay told the press Monday he turned down DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s request for a meeting on the city’s peace and order situation saying police efficiency in Makati is efficient. Less than 24 hours later, a bus exploded along Epifanio delos Santos Avenue (Edsa) in Makati City killing five and wounding 13 others. Efficient nga.

Bombed!
Five persons died while 13 others were injured when a bomb exploded inside a bus along Edsa in Makati City Tuesday. I just hope that the police would conduct a deeper probe, and not pin this one on the Dominguez brothers.

A “bomb” exploded inside a passenger bus along Edsa in Makati City Tuesday. And Claire De La Fuente was like, “Don’t even dare give me that look!”

Briefly Noted: MAXIMO PELIGRO – the driver of the Newman Goldliner bus that was hit by an explosion.

Rehab
Reports say actor Baron Geisler has selected a rehab center where he’ll stay for 90 days. Geisler handpicked the undisclosed facility for its accessibility, spacious rooms, and chubby female attendants.

Cebu Pac Milestone
Local carrier Cebu Pacific Air boasted of reaching its 50 millionth passenger recently. Rumors say the 50 million mark was actually achieved last December but, out of force of habit, delayed ang announcement. After all, Cebu Pacific is Cebu Pacific.

Plastics Ban
The Metro Manila Development Authority encourages local government leaders to follow Muntinlupa City’s example, and ban plastics… prompting a howl of protest from Vicki Belo, Ellen Lising, and Dr. Pie Calayan.

USTe’s Quatercentenary
The University of Santo Tomas is 400 years old. Recognizing UST’s contribution to the Philippine society, President Aquino stated, “To Asia’s oldest academic institution, congratulations!” Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo added, “To my father’s alma mater, mabuhay!” And Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa aking kababata, happy birthday!”

UST turns 400 years old on Jan. 28. If a movie about the school is made for this year’s MMFF, it could win two major awards.

UST has just turned 400 years old. And Senator Loren Legarda was like, “Hmmm, interesting.”

Oscar Snub
The nominees for this year’s Academy Awards will be announced tonight (Manila time). Last week, we’ve learned that the Philippines’ “Noy” wasn’t shortlisted for Best Foreign Language Film. But Filipinos are not losing hope. In fact, we have selected a possible entry for next year’s Best Picture competition no less. Take a look.

And this just in: the nominees in this year’s Oscars. Click here.
———————-
“The trouble with the laws these days is that criminals know their rights better than their wrongs.”
~Author Unknown

Missing, Inaction
Sa gitna ng sunud-sunod na isyung may kinalaman sa kriminalidad, ang tanong ng bayan: where in hell is DILG undersecretary for police matters, and presidential powerpuff boy Rico E. Puno? According to deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte, he is “on official business” (quoting his staff). Another source told me however he’s attending a shooting event in the US. If it’s true, have fun pero balik ka ‘agad. Maraming naghahanap sa ‘yo!

Breaking News
A reliable source says ABS-CBN Sports will broadcast the games of the NBA starting next month! Kung hei fat deal! Bye, bye Solar Sports. Let’s go Lakers!

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang ibalik ang parusang kamatayan sa mga heinous crimes?
– DAPAT lang! 62.36%
– NO. Hindi ‘yan effective. 31.07%
– Pag-iisipan ko muna. 6.58%

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CARJACK ARREST

21 01 2011

The Liberal Party
First things first, happy anniversary to the Liberal Party! It is now 65 years old… or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “husband material.”

The Liberal Party marked its 65th anniversary last Wednesday. Some say the party’s old, others insist it’s still young. You be judge: when the Liberal Party was founded, Senator Enrile was on his first term as senator.

On Wednesday, the Liberal Party unanimously elected Mar Roxas as party president… just two days after the Noy-Bi “party” unanimously elected Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. as Comelec chairman.

Noticeably, former senator Mar Roxas was in ‘barong Tagalog’ last Wednesday. Observers say had he insisted on wearing blue, he would have lost the presidency of the party.

Justifying his choice of Mar Roxas as “chief troubleshooter,” President Aquino says “I am no Superman who can do anything.” And then he went on to introduce Roxas to the guests by saying, “Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘MacGyver.’”

Former senator Mar Roxas denied that he would be more powerful than President Aquino once appointed in government. Well, that’s believable. How can you be more powerful than the country’s president when you can’t even be more powerful than your wife?

Carjacking
The Land Cruiser of restaurateur Margarita Fores, a cousin of former senator Mar Roxas was carjacked in Makati City last Wednesday. And Vice President Jejomar Binay was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Carjacking II
Malacañang admits it finds the spate of carjacking cases alarming. To prove its concern, the palace has assigned a group of men to watch over the President’s Porsche 24/7.

Looking Wow
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that former president and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is making heads turn with her “svelte figure and glowing complexion.” Today, she has a 25-inch waistline… perfectly complementing her 25-inch height.

Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo says her waistline is down from 31 to 25 because of exercise and vegetable diet. Not to be outdone, former President Joseph Estrada says exercise and vegetables have also been helpful to him. In fact, his IQ is up from 80 to 89.

Winning Slogan
President Aquino’s “Kung Walang Corrupt, Walang Mahirap” campaign slogan won the PublicAffairsAsia’s Gold Standard Award for Political Communications. Meanwhile, the Department of Tourism lost in the poster making category.

Lapid’s New Bill
Saying, “We are being alienated in our very own country, and we are left to figure out for ourselves what these establishments are,” Sen. Lito Lapid filed a new bill seeking to require all signs, signboards, or billboards to be written either in Filipino or English. While waiting for the passage of his bill, Lapid vowed to boycott Le Souffle, Amici, Focaccia, Thien Duong, Mi Piace, Le Coeur de France, Schwarzwälder, and other establishments whose names he cannot pronounce.

Citing the “widespread emergence of restaurants and other specialty shops bearing signages in foreign languages,” former stuntman turned actor-politician Lito Lapid lamented, “Filipinos are left to wonder what these signages mean.” Lapid got the idea for his new bill from an embarrassing experience last week when he tried but failed to buy dishwashing paste from Häagen-Dazs.
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“Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule – and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
~H.L. Mencken, 1956

Survey Says
Magiging patas kaya as Comelec Chairman si Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr?
– Oo naman. 22.46%
– Hindi! 47.01%
– Sino siya? 30.54%

Personal
Tomorrow is Saturday. Try to join our game on Twitter between 9:30 and 11:30 in the evening. No need to register. Just follow me on Twitter, and be witty. Bawal ang pikon.

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Have a safe weekend! #teamlakers #beattheheat








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