TAXES, THATCHER, TASTELESS

APRIL 15 is the deadline for the filing of income tax returns. The tax season reminds us of two things. One, ordinary citizens’ money goes to the government, and two, politicians’ money goes to the British Virgin Islands.

Government employees – including elected officials are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth or SALNs on April 15 – otherwise known as “Test of Honesty Day.”

Government officials and employees are required to submit their 2012 SALNs on or before April 15. I heard that Manny Villar, JV Ejercito and Imee Marcos have filled out their SALN forms as early as April 8. Under liabilities, they wrote, “PCIJ.”

Nancy Hurting
Senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay admitted she was hurt by a scathing Philippine Daily Inquirer editorial titled, “Unqualified.” Nancy said the attacks were “vicious” and were part of a “demolition campaign.” As a rejoinder, the Inquirer is writing another editorial titled, “Whatever.”

The Promise
Weeks after declaring that she’s quitting showbiz, presidential sister Kris Aquino is still in showbiz. She’s not keeping her promise. It all points to a successful career in politics.

Drag
Classified documents acquired by Wikileaks revealed that former President Marcos organized a birthday party in 1973 in which military generals were ordered by Imelda Marcos to perform in a “tasteless” show wearing women’s clothes. Mrs. Marcos categorically denied that General Ver’s ‘Cher costume’ was tasteless.

Church Attendance
A recent Social Weather Stations survey showed that the number of Filipino Catholics who regularly attend Sunday Catholic mass had dropped to only 37 percent. The rest were ‘enlightened.’

According to the latest SWS survey, 9.2 percent of Filipinos consider leaving the Catholic Church – “sometimes.” The others consider it all the time.

The latest SWS survey showed that only 37 percent of Filipino Catholics attend Sunday mass regularly. UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco questioned the results of the study and challenged the SWS to identify the financiers of the survey.

Margaret Thatcher, 87
Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is dead. In a few weeks, the Iron Lady will be in an advanced state of corrosion.

Margaret Thatcher is dead. Can we now invade the Falkland Islands?

Just weeks after the passing of Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez, Britain’s Margaret Thatcher died. They say it comes in threes. Well, Ruffy Biazon’s days at the Bureau of Customs are numbered.

More Attractive
Size does matter. Australian researchers revealed that men with a larger penis were rated as being “relatively more attractive” to women. At 53, President Aquino is still single. Wala lang. Promise, wala talaga.
——————————————————-
“There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein

Sound Bites
“Bakit naka-schedule sa tag-init ang kampanya para sa election? Dahil dito napapatunayan kung anong klaseng pulitiko ang nangangampanya. Kung matunaw sila sa init, ibig sabihin plastic sila. Kung masunog sila sa araw, ibig sabihin mapapel sila. At kung mahilig silang magbilad sa araw, malamang buwaya sila.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on politicians

Beat the heat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

QUIZTIONS FOR SENATORIABLES ATBP.

POLITICAL AND PERSONAL questions that wouldn’t possibly be asked in televised debates and forums. Enjoy!

Nancy Binay
You refused to debate Risa Hontiveros and were quoted to have said, “The best forum for us to have the debate – on the Senate floor.” Question: What is the etymology of the word ‘presumptuous?’

Risa Hontiveros
Persistent rumors say you are dating political adviser Ronald Llamas. What is wrong with you?

JV Ejercito
According to the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, you have a secret account in the British Virgin Islands. Why are we not surprised? Elaborate.

Loren Legarda
You’ve been loveless for seven years now while actress T’ya Pusit, 64 is going to marry her 27-year-old boyfriend next year. Write a 100-word essay on this topic: “Bakit mapagbiro si Mother Nature?”

Ricardo Penson
You had been married four times and separated four times. When will you divorce your current partner?

Antonio Trillanes
Despite being detained at Camp Crame a few years back, your travel expenses were the highest among senators. Tanong: Where did you learn astral projection and how far did it take you?

Cynthia Villar
Complete this line from poet, satirist, and lawyer John Donne: “No man is an… ”
A: Island in the Caribbean
B: British Virgin Islands

Tingting Cojuangco
Harper’s Bazaar once named you as one of the world’s 100 most beautiful women. What happened?

Teddy Casiño
What is the relevance, if at all, of the New People’s Army in today’s world?

Ernesto Maceda
Some people describe you as a ‘trapo.’ If recent surveys are accurate, you’re going to lose in the coming elections. How do you want us to celebrate?

Bro. Eddie Villanueva
You’ve lost your presidential bid twice. You’re not performing well in surveys. Why is God doing this to you?

Grace Poe
Phone-in question: Kung nais n’yong ipagpatuloy ang nasimulan ni FPJ, bakit hindi po kayo nag-action star?

Sonny Angara
Your father had been romantically linked to Sen. Loren Legarda. Tanong: Naniniwala ka ba sa kasabihang “Kapag may usok, may apoy?” If not, bahala ka.

ER Ejercito
In a recent interview, you said, “Hindi lang ako governor; artista rin ako. At hindi ako basta-bastang artista; ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!” For 30 seconds, rearrange the letters in the phrase “A DULL NOISE” to form a word that best describes you.

Joseph Estrada and Alfredo Lim
Naging saksi ang publiko sa batuhan n’yo ng putik at nakawiwindang na mga rebelasyon sa isyu ng droga, babae, sugal, krimen, at iba pa. Kung pagtitiwalaan pa rin kayo ng mga taga-Maynila, ano ang problema nila?

Generic Questions for All Candidates
Sa buong buhay n’yo ba ay NEVER kayong nagbulsa unlawfully ni isang kusing mula sa buwis ng taumbayan? Kung hindi, sinong niloko n’yo?

Milyun-milyong piso na ang nagagastos mo sa kampanya. Sa paanong paraan mo ito babawiin? Lagyan ng check ang mga posibleng sagot:
_____ Komisyon sa pork barrel
_____ Drug lords, jueteng lords, illegal loggers, at iba pang criminal elements
_____ Lobby money mula sa mga grupong may vested interests
_____ Big time bonus mula sa Senate president
_____ Wala akong planong bawiin ang nagastos sa kampanya. Patunay lamang ito na tapat ang aking hangaring makapaglingkod sa aking kapwa. Jooooke!

DID YOU MISS PART 1 of QUIZTION SENATORIABLES EDITION? Click here.
—————————————————
“Popularity should be no scale for the election of politicians. If it would depend on popularity, Donald Duck and The Muppets would take seats in the Senate.”
~Orson Welles

Sound Bites
“Ang cedula ay isang bagay na hindi na kailangan ngayon. Spanish time pa ‘yan! Pwede kang kumuha ng cedula at any time sa ilalim ng tulay, kung saan-saan at minsan nakakakuha ka pa ng cedula na walang pangalan, at hindi filled-up.”
~BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo Credit: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Blogger Manila, Philippine Star]

OF PICK-UP LINES AND SECRET ACCOUNTS

HERE’S SOMETHING light for the weekend: an updated version of my original post published in 2011 – Pickup Lines from Famous Filipinos.

Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.

Chiz Escudero: Ngiti mo pa lang… lasing na ako.

JV Ejercito: Totoo ang mga narinig mong tsismis! Ang lahat sa akin… mataba.

Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva: Trip mo bang sumigaw ng “Oh my God!!!” ngayong gabi?

Grace Poe: Inaamin ko po, ako ay sobrang magalang. Pero sa ‘yo… pababastos ako.

Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?

Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.

President Noynoy Aquino: Matagal-tagal ko na ring ‘di napapaputok ‘tong baril ko. Gusto mong subukan?

Loren Legarda: Umamin ka! Nakita mo lang ako, naging luntian na ang paligid mo!

Cynthia Villar: Binasted ka ba ng nililigawan mo? Don’t worry, I’ll nurse your broken heart.

Meralco Chairman Manny Pangilinan: Lights on or lights off?

BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: Para sa ‘yo… handa kong ibuwis ang buhay ko.

GMA7′s resident meteorologist Nathaniel ‘Mang Tani’ Cruz: Ayon sa satellite data… may PAGASA raw ako sa ‘yo.

Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Jack Enrile: Papatay ako para sa ‘yo.

Risa Hontiveros: Puwede ba kitang Akbayan? (Syet, ang korni!)

Nancy Binay: Kung may maitim kang balak sa akin… go lang! Anytime…

Jamby Madrigal: Kung sasali ako sa pa-raffle sa Twitter, gusto ko ikaw ang premyo.

GomBurZa: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”

Presidential sister Viel Aquino-Dee:

And finally…
Dick Gordon: Kung ipapahimas ko ba ang pangalan ko… hihimasin mo? Boom!

SECRET ACCOUNTS: According to the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, outgoing senator Manuel Villar and outgoing San Juan representative and senatorial candidate JV Ejercito both own “secret offshore corporations” in the British Virgin Islands. Ejercito neither confirmed nor denied the report. Instead, he blamed the allegation on his enemies – the facts.

PCIJ’s Malou Mangahas said JV Ejercito “evaded questions” on his “offshore accounts” in the Caribbean. Ejercito instead questioned the “timing” of the story as “highly suspicious.” To which Jinggoy Estrada said, “Hindi rin.”

The PCIJ also uncovered that businessmen Alan Ortiz and Jesus Alcordo had secret accounts in the British Virgin Islands which were not declared in their SALNs. Ortiz and Alcordo wished they were senatoriables so they could also blame politics.

The same PCIJ report says Imee Marcos owns secret accounts also in the British Virgin Islands. The report shocked the former congresswoman. All along, Imee thought she set up those accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Sen. Manny Villar also owns offshore accounts in the Caribbean. His wife, Cynthia Villar was not surprised at all saying, “Hindi naman kailangang ganon’n kagaling para magkaroon ka ng account doon.”
——————————————-
“I am a politician which means I am a liar and a crook. When I am not kissing babies I am stealing their lollipops.”
~Tom Clancy

Tweet of the Weak: Lost In Translation
Apparently, Team Koko Pimentel thought people in Pangasinan spoke Kapampangan

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

MINUTES TO WIN IT

CITING “credible sources within the administration,” Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. If that happens, isang iyak n’ya lang, sira ang kalaban.

I don’t know which was more shocking: Kris Aquino running for vice president or Archbishop Cruz cozying up with administration people.

Citing “sources within the administration,” Archbishop Oscar Cruz, controversial TV host Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. Pilipinas Got Problem.

But the outspoken Archbishop sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

Last Tuesday, April 2, Archbishop Oscar Cruz reported hearing rumors that Kris Aquino’s running for vice president in 2016. If that’s an April Fools’ Day joke Archbishop, you’re a day late.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says he’s heard rumors that Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. And in case you haven’t heard, Archbishop Cruz is the newest member of “The Buzz.”

JV vs. Jinggoy, Again
JV Ejercito declined Jinggoy Estrada’s offer to produce a TV advertisement endorsing his senatorial bid. Hurt by the rejection, Jinggoy declared that he’s entering a “state of war” with JV.

Political Ads
The Commmission on Elections revealed that from February 12 to March 22, UNA’s JV Ejercito was the top TV advertiser among senatorial candidates. Ejercito has consumed 26 minutes of airtime and 70 percent of Jinggoy’s patience.

Since the campaign period started, 17 senatorial aspirants with UNA’s JV Ejercito on top have consumed at least a minute of TV airtime. Surprisingly, Cynthia Villar was nowhere on the list. She has consumed all of 2012.

In local politics, Alfredo Lim and Joseph Estrada have both consumed 20 hours of mindless mudslinging.

As of March 22, Team PNoy’s Grace Poe and Alan Peter Cayetano have each consumed 60 minutes of MMK.

GMA Network had a total of 163.5 minutes of campaign ads – but that’s nothing compared to ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ which had more than 10 episodes of political promos.

Pulse Asia
The latest Pulse Asia survey conducted from March 16 to 20 is out! Chiz Escudero has bounced back to No. 2. Sorry Ramon Tulfo! Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Ongpauco!

Pulse Asia conducted its survey at the height of the Heart-Chiz controversy. Pulse Asia to UNA: “Sorry talaga but we tried our best.”

The survey’s biggest loser was JV Ejercito who lost 5.2 percentage points. Jinggoy Estrada’s closest friends chorused: “Pa-burger ka naman! Burger! Burger!”

Satisfied
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 4 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with their life.The survey was conducted in Congress.

In a recent SWS survey, 81 percent of Filipinos said they were satisfied with their life. The rest were honest.

Noynoy Vetoes Bill
President Aquino refused to sign into law a proposed measure that would have allowed short people to join the police force. This is all your fault GMA!

Absenteeism
Some senatorial candidates say a stiff fine must be imposed on lawmakers who are always absent in sessions. And Jules Ledesma was like, “Keri lang!”

Overseas…
North Korea has declared war against South Korea. That’s really bad. The only thing worse is Kim Jong Un’s haircut.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un threatens to “dissolve” the United States. Shouldn’t he dissolve his excess fat first?

Born to a former leader, Kim Jong Un is a spoiled, bratty, attention-seeking person who’s reportedly fond of basketball players. Are we sure he’s not an Aquino?
————————————————————-
“Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.”
~Dick Francis, To the Hilt

Quote of the Weak
“Hindi naman ako ordinaryong governor. Artista rin ako. At ‘di ako basta-bastang artista. Ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!”
~Re-electionist Laguna Governor ER Ejercito (Via TVPatrol/Kampanyaserye)

“Some people, when they grow old, they become elder statesmen. Some people when they grow old, they become rumormongers.”
~Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda on Archbishop Oscar Cruz

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer/MPQ3/Mirror-UK/Yahoo-OMGPH]

NANCY BINAY, UNA DOMINATE SURVEY

BREAKING NEWS: Senatorial candidate Nancy Binay of the United Nationalist Alliance (UNA) topped the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia from March 27 to March 30, 2013.

Vice President Jejomar Binay’s daughter got a stunning 70 percent rating as she toppled re-electionist senator Loren Legarda from the number 1 position. Legarda dropped to No. 5 with 46 percent.

UNA also dominated the pre-election survey with 9 of its candidates in the Magic 12. Team PNoy was the biggest loser as only two of its Senate bets made it to the potential winners’ circle.

The most surprising performer and biggest gainer was religious leader and televangelist Bro. Eddie Villanueva who leapfrogged to the No. 12 spot from 23rd place in the previous poll.

In a statement, UNA spokesman and Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco lauded the Pulse Asia survey saying, “This is the real pulse of the nation. The people have spoken. Mabuhay ang masang Pilipino!”

He also commended the efforts of UNA bets to reach out to a far greater number of Filipinos.

“Pinaghirapan nila ito. Makikita n’yo naman ang dami ng taong dumadalo sa aming campaign sorties. Patunay lamang na solido ang suporta ng mga kababayan natin sa UNA,” Tiangco added.

Team PNoy declined to comment on the results of the Pulse Asia survey. Ben Evardone, the coalition’s spokesperson said they have yet to receive a copy of the survey.

Sought for reaction, President Aquino’s spokesperson Edwin Lacierda just smirked.

A total of 2,000 respondents nationwide were polled. The survey had a margin of error of +/- 3 percent. Only Pulse Asia employees were involved in the sampling, field work, and data processing and analysis. No portion of the study was outsourced.

For transparency, Pulse Asia revealed that the latest survey was commissioned by Vice President Binay, former President Joseph Estrada and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile.

Trust Ratings
Pulse Asia also released the results of its latest trust and approval ratings survey. President Aquino and Vice President Binay continue to enjoy high trust. They got 67 percent and 71 percent, respectively. But both officials have been edged out by the most trusted Filipino today: “Sir Chief” who got 90 percent.

The trust ratings of Senate President Enrile, and presidential sisters Kris Aquino, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz and Pinky Aquino-Abellada also plummeted. In contrast, Viel Aquino-Dee’s trust rating was unchanged.

The survey also revealed that Filipinos have little trust on “candidates who sing on TV,” “candidates who promise to give us food,” “candidates who use ‘po’ and ‘opo’ 100 times every minute.”

Not one of the 2,000 survey respondents trusted “candidates who dance the Gangnam Style in campaign sorties.”

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EVERYONE!
————————————-
“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”
~Will Rogers

Have a productive April!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

STATE OF WAR

NORTH KOREAN leader Kim Jong-Un has threatened to attack the United States by launching rocket missiles aimed at crippling American bases in the US and the Pacific. If Kim Jong Un seriously wants to hurt Americans, he should cripple Facebook and Twitter instead.

North Korea declared that it had entered a “state of war” with South Korea and threatened to attack its neighbor. But Seoul is unfazed by the threat since a majority of South Koreans are safe… in the Philippines.

Kim Jong Un threatened to strike the US mainland just a couple of weeks after the visit of Dennis Rodman. For the US, it’s on to Plan B: Ron Artest.

Apparently, Kim Jong Un considers the United States his number 1 problem. In close second is his weight.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly a heavy drinker. In fact, this problem was publicly denounced by the parents of his wife, Heart Jong Un.

SWS Survey
It’s 9-3 for Team PNoy according to the latest Social Weather Stations survey. But according to the Vice President, the results were “incredible” and” “unbelievable.” In short, “Nancy Binay!”

The latest SWS survey showed a huge drop in Chiz Escudero’s numbers. The survey was commissioned by Heart Evangelista’s parents.

Joma’s Message
Communist Party of the Philippines founding chairman Jose Maria Sison slams President Aquino and the “US regime” for government policies that do not benefit the “masses.” The message was sent straight from the ‘80s, I mean, the Netherlands.

It’s 2013. I can’t believe Joma Sison is still giving orders to the CPP-NPA from Europe.

Holy Week
More than 20 Filipinos had themselves nailed on the cross on Good Friday. Those men say it’s “tradition.” I say it’s guilt.

I wonder how those Filipinos would reenact the suffering and death of Jesus if he was condemned to die by firing squad.

According to the story, on the third day, Jesus rose from the dead. Had he risen on the fourth or fifth day, he would have missed the season premiere of Game of Thrones. Great timing!

Happy Easter everyone! Always remember, Jesus Christ died for our long vacation.

Pinoy and Marriage
According to the National Statistics Office, fewer Filipinos are getting married. Those Filipinos are called smart.
————————————————
“Tradition is a fragile thing in a culture built entirely on the memories of the elders.”
~Alice Albinia

Sound Bites
“If they make a reckless provocation with huge strategic forces, we should mercilessly strike the US mainland, their stronghold, their military bases in the operational theaters in the Pacific, including Hawaii and Guam, and those in South Korea.”
~North Korea

Have a great April ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler/Associated Press/AFP/Fox News]

QUIZTION: SENATORIABLES EDITION

A FEW QUESTIONS for senatorial candidates that won’t probably be asked on live TV:

Migz Zubiri
The latest SWS survey showed you’re at No. 15. Pretend that election cheating is legal. Will you cheat to win?

Jamby Madrigal
In a radio interview, you claimed, “Ako ang pinakamahirap sa mga Madrigal.” Define ‘mahirap’ without offending the genuinely poor.

Jack Enrile
A car travelling at an average speed of 40 mph was ambushed by unidentified gunmen in another vehicle that was travelling at an average speed of 80 mph. How long before the survivor recants?

Chiz Escudero
Mark Twain wrote,”Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.” Elaborate.

Marwil Llasos and JC De Los Reyes
Without citing verses from the Bible and/or other Paleolithic passages, defend your staunch opposition to the RH Law and same sex relationship.

Koko Pimentel
History. If your ex-wife’s name is Cleopatra, who is the love of her life?

JV Ejercito and Alan Peter Cayetano
Two Estradas, two Cayetanos, and probably, two Enriles together in the Senate. And we’re a country of almost 100 million people. Convince us there’s still a god. Show evidence.

Grace Poe
Are you as annoyingly respectful in person as depicted in those political ads?

Greco Belgica
Some of your tweets were homophobic. Explain the evolution of your bigotry.

Bam Aquino
In your TV ad, you said that Ninoy, Cory and Noynoy inspired you. Were you not inspired by your father?

Nancy Binay
Given two decks of cards and zero track record, calculate the probability that you’ll win a Senate seat if your last name was not Binay.

Mitos Magsaysay
What part of “NO!” don’t you understand?

Cynthia Villar
Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura? If yes, when? If not, demonstrate!

Ernie Maceda, Mr. Exposé
If you were to expose something about yourself, what will it be and why?

BONUS:
Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP)
On a scale of 1 to Diocese of Bacolod, how vengeful are you?
———————————-
“Always tell the truth. If you can’t always tell the truth, don’t lie.”
~Author Unknown

Pic of the Weak

You Have Spoken
Sa palagay mo, sino ang nagsasabi ng totoo?
-JAMES Yap 48.46%
-WALA akong pakialam sa kanila. 40.83%
-KRIS Aquino 10.71%

Sound Bites
“Marami na po tayong napatunayan sa landas ng pagkakaisa, pagkakawanggawa, at pagmamalasakit sa kapwa: hindi imposibleng bumangon mula sa halos isang dekadang pagkadapa; hindi suntok sa buwan ang muling maaninag ang kaunlaran, lalo na para sa mga kababayan nating higit na nangangailangan.”
~President Aquino (Lenten 2013)

Have a safe and fun vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philstar.Com/Wikipedia]

POLITICS, HOLY WEEK, KRIS ATBP.

HAVE YOU HEARD President Aquino’s Holy Week message? He’s blaming GMA for the capture and crucifixion of Jesus Christ!

In his Palm Sunday homily, Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle urged Filipinos to shun “a mentality of retaliation.” To which, the Diocese of Bacolod replied, “Whatevs!”

Rumors say the Senate is organizing a senakulo. But Senate President Enrile  prefers an alternative ending to Jesus Christ’s ‘crucifixion and death.’ He wants ‘ambush and survival.’

According to Bible scholars, the betrayal, capture, crucifixion and death of Jesus were all part of a “plan” – Or as Juan Ponce Enrile would call it, “staged.”

During the senakulo, the senators themselves will reenact the Last Supper. Chiz Escudero can’t wait to have wine.

Congress is staging its own senakulo. There’s a problem though: they can’t find someone who’ll play Jesus because most, if not all solons are only qualified to portray the role of the two thieves.

The Lower House picked Lucy Torres to play the role of the Virgin Mary. But there are rumors she’ll be ousted from the cast.

Holy Week is considered as a period of suffering. James Yap has a term for that: marriage.

The Aftermath
Netizens are divided over the Kris Aquino and James Yap issue. Half of them admired James, the other half admired Viel.

After announcing her resignation, TV host Kris Aquino left the country… for Castel Gandolfo.

Kris Aquino is reportedly studying governance and law. Not to be outdone, James Yap is reportedly studying how to choose women more wisely.

A Philippine Entertainment Portal survey showed more Filipinos tend to believe James Yap over Kris Aquino. Based on the online poll, 6 of 10 believed James while nearly 3 of 10 believed Kris. They were Ballsy, Pinky and Viel.

Heart and Chiz
Guesting live on TV, actress Heart Evangelista said she’s standing by Chiz Escudero… much to the disappointment of her mama, her papa and UNA.

Giant Asteroid
The head of NASA says if a giant asteroid similar to the one that exploded in Russia a couple of weeks back hits Earth, the only thing people can do is “pray.” If that asteroid is heading towards the Philippines, the Supreme Court can always issue a status quo ante order to stop it.

If it’s true that a large asteroid is heading towards Earth, I hope it hits politicians who dance the Gangnam Style in campaign sorties.

Loren’s Crush
In a radio program, Loren Legarda admitted that she had a crush on Gringo Honasan. That’s probably the reason why Honasan’s wife wanted to crush Loren Legarda.
——————————————
“All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.”
~Cathy Ladman

Word of the Week
Bisita Iglesia, n. Isang tradisyon ng mga kandidato tuwing panahon ng eleksyon kung saan bumibisita sila sa matataas na pinuno ng maimpluwensyang sekta ng relihiyon, ang Iglesia ni Cristo upang humingi ng suporta sa araw ng halalan

Pic of the Weak

Sound Bites
“I’m giving up my shows. Tinatalikuran ko ang mundo na kinilala ko na bumuhay sa akin dahil higit doon sa karera ko, mas mahal ko ang anak ko.”
~Presidential sister Kris Aquino

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Honasan Photo: Mustang0210]

TAKE 2 NA ‘DAY!

FOR THIS POST, we’ll have a very special guest host who shall conduct the interview. Ladies and gentlemen, ang susunod na kinatawan ng 10th District of Cebu… please welcome: Annabelle Drama!

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Think you Dong! Think you. Teka dong, anong channel ba ito lalabas dong?

Hindi po ito pang-TV Tita. Sa blog lang po to mababasa.

Pastilan! Ba’t ‘di mo agad sinabi dong?! Sayang ang make up ko dong at ‘tong mga joels ko. Ibig sabihin, ‘di makikita ni Nadja ‘tong mga joels ko dong?

Hindi po.

Yawa. O sige dong. Basta ang TF dong, ‘yon pa rin ha. ‘Di ako tumatanggap ng tsiki dong.

Sige po. Start na tayo. Good luck!

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Hello fans! At sa mga Bisaya… ‘musta na kayo dong? Sa Twitter followers ko na more than 300 thousand na as of tomorrow, I love you mga dong at day. At kay Eduardo, sweetheart ‘nood tayo ng Last Exorcism Part 2 mamaya. Maka-relate man ako sa felm. At ikaw Nadja, ang kapal ng mukha mo ‘day. Bayaran mo ang utang mo ‘day! ‘Yong sofa ko ‘day at aparador na ninakaw mo, ibalik mo na bruha ka!

Cut! Tita… bawal po ang ganyan. Mababasa tayo sa Internet… baka-ma-Cybercime Law tayo.

Sorry dong. Na-kirid away lang ako. Anyway, proceeds na tayo. Mga fans, first time kong mag-hosst so bahala na ang Sto. Niño. Kung nanonood ka Raymond, kabahan ka na ‘day. Baka talbugan kita ‘day! Proceeds na tayo… narito ako ngayon sa Quezon City… LIVE at kasama ko ang iniintriga ngayon. Naku ‘day… isyu ka na naman ‘day. Hito na siya… KRISSY!

[CUE MSC: GONE by Jim Chappell]

Hi Tita A. Thank you po for this opportunity.

Alam mo ‘day, nanibago man ako sa ‘yo. Hindi ako sa sanay sa ganyang acting ‘day. Mas feel kita pag maingay.

Tita naman. Alam n’yo namang may pinagdadaanan ako.

Hindi na ako nasuprisa ‘day. Knowing you ‘day?!

Si Tita naman, puro biro.

Hindi ako nagju-juks ‘day. Every year, may isyu ka! ‘Yong Newsweek ‘day, nahinto na ang issue pero ikaw hindi nauubusan ‘day. Publisher ka ba ‘day? Anyway, proceeds na tayo. Sanga pala, kung nanonood ka Tid Failon at ikaw, Jissica Soho, watched and learned… kayong dalawa kasi, iisa ang tanong… pari-pariho ang ibinabato n’yo. Paano kayo magri-rate dong? Watched and learned!

Matagal pa ba Tita?

‘Wag mo ‘kong minamadali ‘day. Lumuwas ako ng Maynila kahit busy sa kampanya para lang makuha ang side mo. Busy ako ‘day! Mahiya ka naman sa akin, ok? Proceeds na tayo… unang tanong ko ‘day: Noong 2003: Joey Marquez. Ngayong 2013: James Yap. Sa 2023 ‘day, sinong basketball player naman ang iiyakan mo sa TV Patrol ‘day?

Alam mo Tita, this is a serious matter.

Bakit ‘day? Hindi ba seryoso ang tanong ko ‘day? It’s a valid observation of an inquisitive viewer. Yawa! Napa-Ingles tuloy ako ‘day. Kung nanonood ka Raymond, txt mo nga ako ‘day kung tama ang grammars ko.

To be honest Tita… kahit ako nagtatanong na rin. Sabi ko Lord, every decade ba talaga? Hindi ko yata kering umiyak ulit dahil sa lalaki pagsapit ko ng 52. Kaloka. Tungkol naman do’n sa namention mo, at first, I didn’t even notice na 10 years na pala ang Joey Marquez scandal na ‘yon. Gosh! Ten years na pala when I grabbed his…

Bayag ‘day!

Eeeew. Tita!!?

Bakit na naman ‘day? ‘Di ba ikaw ang nagsabi no’n? “I crushed his jinnytals.” ‘Di ba bayag ang jinnnytals ‘day?

Ewan ko sa ’yo Tita! Nakakaloka ka!

Ayan… dapat ganyan ka ‘day. Mas ok kung masaya ka. Proceeds na tayo… sabi ng kapatid mo, hindi raw ito national issue. Tika lang: nagpa-enterview sa telebisyon ang apat na kapatid ng prisidinti ng Pilipinas ‘tapos hindi pa ito national issue ‘day? So ano ito ‘day, national pastime?

In fairness to us, sinubukan naming ayusin ito privately Tita…

Hindi halata ‘day!

Pero unang nagsalita si James sa media. He lied Tita. Kung sa kanya biru-biruan lang… sa akin, hindi. Hinawakan niya ako sa braso. Nasaktan ako.

Kung ako sa ‘yo ‘day, dinakma ko ulit ang jinnytals!

Tita…

Sige, bayag na lang. Ay anu ba ‘yon!? Sorry Krissy. Let’s proceeds: Sabi sa Inquirer, sineduced ka raw ni James at tumanggi ka. Choosy ka pa ‘day?

Again, seryosong usapin ito Tita. Witness ko ang anak ko. Na-trauma siya. Do not trivialize a very sensitive matter.

Naku ‘day. Hindi ako magaling sa trivia. Proceeds na tayo! Totoo bang sinabi mo kay James na “Tandaan mo ‘to: may three years pa ang kapatid ko.”

I never said that and I never will. Hindi ko gagamiting panakot ang pangalan at posisyon ng kapatid ko.

Maniwala ako sa ‘yo ‘day!

What did you just say Tita?

Wala!

Nooooo! You’re doubting my statement Tita. You’re making kampi to James! I hate you naaa. But I’m not surprised Tita. After all, hindi naman si Noy ang ibinoto mo noong 2010. It was Gilbert!

Alam mo ‘day, ‘di mo na kailangang ungkatin pa ang nakaraan. Passed is passed. Pero ‘wag kang pakasiguro ‘day. Kapag ako ang nanalo sa Cebu… may THREE years ako ‘day! May three years ako!

Yuck yuck yuck…

Tumigil ka ‘day. Baka yuck-yuck-kin ko jinnytals mo ‘day! Proceeds na tayo… marami ang nasurprisa kasi lahat ng kapatid mo… biglang nasa TV. Aeronic daw. You deny na gumagamit kayo ng power and influence ‘day pero saddenly, nasa TV kayong lahat ‘day. Evaporate.

“Elaborate” Tita.

Ke evaporada o condensada pa ‘yan ‘day, wala akong pakialam. Magpaliwanag ka na lang ‘day.

You can’t blame my sisters for supporting me Tita. Hindi mo sila masisisi lalo na’t ako ang bunso, ako ang sinaktan, ako ang naagrabyado, ako ang inapi, ako ang…

Pasaway na kapatid!

Tita!??

Wala ‘day. Wala akong sinabi. Takot ko na lang sa three years ng kapatid mo ‘day. Proceeds na tayo. Sabi mo sa interview, magre-resign ka sa shows mo sa ABS-CBN ‘day. Dead jabu? Kaka-resign mo lang bago mag-eleksyon, resign ka na naman? Paulit-ulit ‘day?

Kailangan kong gawin ang sakripisyong ito Tita. Kawawa ang anak ko.

Kawawa ang anak mo ‘day? Pastilan! Nakaikot ka na ba sa squattir ‘day? Nakita mo na ba ang mga batang walang makain ‘day at ‘yong mga batang nakatira sa ilalim ng tulay? Alam mo ‘day, lahat sila.. hiyang-hiya  sa ‘yo!

Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo Tita!!!

Ah-lahm… mo… ‘day… hee…’yang… hee… ya… ang…… mga… ta…. ga… is…. kwa…. ter…. sa ‘yo… ‘day! Pwe… de… na… ba… ang… ga… ni… to… ka…. ba…. gal… na… pa… na… na… li… ta… ‘day?

Gosh! You’re so literal. Kainis.

Tanga ka ‘day! Members ako ng UNA! Hindi ako Liberal! Yawa! Proceeds na tayo. Sabi ni James, nagbanta ka raw na isang iyak lang sa TV, masisira siya. Totoo ba ‘yon ‘day?

I categorically deny that. That’s not true.

Alam ko.

What do you mean Tita?

Eh kasi ‘day, sabi ni James… isang iyak lang, masisira siya. Mali s’ya ‘day. Umiyak din si Ballsy at umiyak si Pinky! Tatlong iyak ‘yon ‘day! Sinungaling si James!

I told you Tita. He’s a liar.

Malaki ba talaga ang jinnytals niya?

Tita!!!!??

Ay, suri. Nakirid away ulit ako. Na-miss ko bigla si Eduardo. Anyway, let’s proceeds. Nasa news rin ang kaibigan mong si Chiz at ang gf nitong si Heart. Ano ang maipapayo mo sa kanilang dalawa?

They should also make sacrifices Tita. Kay Pareng Chiz, mag-quit ka na lang sa politics. Ikaw naman Heart, mag-quit sa showbiz. At do’n sa isang matandang babae sa press con, i forgot her name, mag-quit ka na lang sa kaka-Botox. Ooops, sorry. Me and my big mouth again. Sorry Ate.

Curious lang ako ‘day. Kung makapagsasalita ang nanay mo, anong sasabihin niya?

She’ll probably say, “Tama ang ginawa mo Krissy. Ipinaglaban mo ang karapatan mo bilang mother.” Pupurihin niya ako, I’m sure!

Sure ka ‘day? Puri kaagad? ‘Di ba puwedeng pagalitan muna? Anyway, proceeds na tayo. Kung makapagsasalita ang tatay mo, anong sasabihin n’ya?

I am not sure. I don’t wanna speculate.

Alam ko ang sasabihin n’ya ‘day!

Ano ‘yon Tita? Careful. May three years pa ang brother ko. Aha-ha-ha!

Sasabihin n’ya ‘day, “Hindi ka nag-iisa!” Kasi nga full force ang Sisterakas sa interview.

Not funny.

Teka lang ‘day. May text ang maid ko. Kung makapagsasalita raw si Viel, anong sasabihin n’ya?

Hmmm… Wala pa rin siyang sasabihin Tita. Aha-ha-ha! NAKAKALOKA. Sinagot ko talaga.

Sandali lang ‘day. Do’n sa taga-Channel 4 sa likod ng chair, ‘wag mo kong senyasan bruha ka. Nauna akong dumating dito kaya manigas ka. Proceeds na tayo. May surprise ako sa ‘yo Krissy. Nasa linya siya. Kausapin mo ‘day! Baka maputol…

Wait! Sino ‘to?!??!?

(No Answer)

Kausapin mo kasi ‘day!

Hello? Who’s this please?

(No Answer)

Tama na ‘day! Ok na ‘yon.

Wait! Naintriga ako. Sino ‘yon?

Hayyyy… Si Viel ‘yon! Ang slow mo talaga ‘day!

In fairness huh, pina-punchline na si Viel!

O sha ‘day, pabalik na ako ng Cebu. Ito lang ang masasabi ko ‘day. Sa apat na dekada ko sa industriya, wala pa akong narinig na artistang nag-announce na aalis sila sa showbiz. Ikaw lang ‘day! At televised pa! Kung lalayas ka ‘day, lumayas ka na lang. Pa-announce, announce ka pa ‘day! Knowing you ‘day… babalik at babalik ka rin. Kilala na kita ‘day. ‘Yon lang ‘day. Think you.

Wait lang Tita, pwedeng magtanong? Isa lang. Is it true na nabuntis ni Richard si Sarah Lahbati?

Walang pakialaman ng jinnitals ‘day. Proceeds na tayo…

-End of Interview-
———————————————–
“History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.”
~Karl Marx
In Other News…
Twitter just turned 7. And some Catholic priests were like, “Interesting!”
Happy birthday Twitter! Thank you!

Sound Bites
“Ilang beses na akong nagparaya. This time, I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.”
~Heart Evangelista

You Have Spoken
Kung dalawa na lang ang kandidato, sinong iboboto mo: Nancy Binay o Bam Aquino?
- Bam Aquino. 44.94%
- Nancy Binay. 7.87%
- No, thanks. 46.63%

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

DECISIONS, DEMONS, SEDUCTION

HERE’S MY reply to your questions on a variety of topics:

Nabalitaan ko pong tutol ang parents ni Heart Evangelista kay Chiz Escudero. ‘Di ba ayaw din nila noon kay Jericho. Ilang taon na po ba si Heart?

She’s 12. Thank you.
***

Follow up question lang po. Ano ang reaksyon n’yo sa balitang hindi BOTO ang parents ni Heart kay Chiz? Baka naman concerned lang talaga.

Baka naman member sila ng UNA. Thank you ulit.
***

Sabi po ni Jack Enrile sa news, pinaulanan daw ng bala ang convoy niya sa Compostela Valley. Kailan po kaya siya magre-recant?

Masyado ka namang judgmental. Pinagbabaril lang, recant na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng Martial Law muna?
***

Nagulat ako sa balitang binaril ang convoy ni Jack Enrile sa Compostela Valley. Totoo kaya ‘yon?

Hintayin natin ang kanyang memoirs.

Huwaaat? Kung kelan matatapos na ang termino saka sasabihing ‘di valid ang kandidatura ni Lucy Torres? Ano pong mangyayari sa pork barrel niya?

‘Asan? Ubos na! Asa ka pa.
***

Follow up question, anong say n’yo sa statement ni Lucy Torres-Gomez na ang pulitika ay “laro ng demonyo?”

So bakit s’ya nag-join? Pati asawa n’ya sasali pa. Sinong  tanga? (Kainis!)
***

Sabi ng Supreme Court, talo raw talaga noong 2010 ang mayor ng Imus, Cavite na si Emmanuel Maliksi. Pero ayaw niyang umalis sa pwesto dahil siya pa rin daw ang tunay na mayor. Tama po ba siya?

Hindi siya tama. Tukô siya. Tukô!
***

Sa TV Patrol kahapon, finally ay na-mention na ni Korina ang pangalan ni Vice President Binay habang nasa Roma. Nakakatuwa naman. Ok na pala sila.

You have no idea.
***

Sabi ng PAGASA last Monday, “summer has officially arrived.”

Ngayon lang nila nalaman?

Totoo bang suspended ang klase sa PUP? Paki-confirm naman.

Saan naman nanggaling ‘yan? May pasok! Pero nakatayo na nga lang. Sinunog na ng mga aktibista ang mga upuan.
***

Follow up question lang: noong estudyante ba kayo, nanunog rin kayo ng mesa at arm chairs?

Hindi. Kulang na nga ang facilities ng UP System, susunugin pa namin? Baka sabihin ng mga taga-La Salle at Ateneo, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo!”
***

Nakita mo na ba ang TV ad ni Rissa Hontiveros kung saan kumakanta siya? Pati si President Noy, kumakanta rin! Ang cuuute!

May sakit ka?
***

Nakakagulat naman po ang Korte Suprema. Pinigil pala nila ang implementation ng RH Law. Sabi tuloy ni Marbel, South Cotabato Bishop Dinualdo Gutierrez, “Kumikilos ang kamay ng Panginoon sa mga puso ng justices” kaya nahinto ito.

Wait lang. Nag-text ang Panginoon. Sabi Niya, “Hindi pa ako nagi-issue ng official statement. At lalong hindi si Bishop Gutierrez ang spokesman ko. Thank you.”
***

Nasa news na naman pala si Kris Aquino. Nag-file siya ng temporary protection order laban kay James Yap. Sineduce daw siya nito last December. Anong masasabi mo?

‘k.
————————————————————
“What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient.”
~Bodie Thoene

Sound Bites
“We are now appealing to Mr. Escudero to leave our daughter alone for a cooling off period.”
~Mrs. Cecile Ongpauco, Heart Evangelista’s mother

“Nahanap ko na ang taong para sa akin. ‘Wag na nilang ilayo ang taong mahal ko. Masaya na ako. Everybody deserves to be happy.”
~Actress Heart Evangelista

“Wala na akong pakialam kay Kris. Gusto ko lang makasama ang anak ko.”
~ Basketeer James Yap on Kris Aquino’s allegation that he tried to seduce her last December

Twitter Audit
A Twitter follower informed me about this app called Twitter Audit that conducts an “audit” of your Twitter followers. It tells how many of them are fake or real. After the audit, you get a score “based on number of tweets, date of the last tweet, and ratio of followers to friends.” I tried “auditing” some celebrities and other popular Twitter accounts and the results were revealing, if not shocking. Here are some samples:

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

SENATORIABLES AND SAME SEX UNION

REPORTS SAY both UNA and Team PNoy failed to draw huge crowds in Baguio City. Cold treatment.

Toby Tiangco said the crowd estimate in the UNA rally was “2,000.” Franklin Drilon said the crowd estimate in the Team PNoy rally was “3,000.” Independent sources said the crowd estimate in both rallies was… “embarrassing.”

Migz vs. Koko
The feud between senatorial candidates Migz Zubiri and Koko Pimentel is getting nastier. Last week, Migz revealed that Koko was a wife beater. Koko and ex-wife Jewel have denied the allegation. And Koko’s supporters are furious. Some of them accuse Zubiri of being a poll cheat and a gossiper… to which Zubiri said, “Excuse me, hindi ako poll cheat!”

Koko Pimentel is studying the possibility of filing a libel case against Migz Zubiri. But Migz says if that happens, he’ll be forced to divulge everything that Jewel Lobaton told him about Koko. The plot thickens. And the voters can’t wait… to reject them both.

Same Sex Marriage
According to a GMA News research, Jack Enrile is probably the only senatorial candidate who supports same sex marriage. He said gays and lesbians should be given “a chance to be happy” – just like any straight octogenarian and his female chief of staff.

Jack Enrile admits he’s pro-same sex marriage. But he denies reports he likes watching ‘Glee.’

Cynthia Villar is against same sex union. She believes that marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only take place between a rich woman and a former fish vendor.

The same report says Jamby Madrigal is against same sex marriage too. That is hilarious.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva says, “darating ang paggunaw sa isang bansa pag ‘yon ay ginawa.” And God was like, “Nag-same sex marriage lang, gunaw agad? ‘Di ba puwede munang magpatawad?”

Of same sex union, JC De los Reyes said, “I respect the human rights of gays and lesbians, but when you allow same sex marriage, there is no purpose whatsoever as to the objective of that.” Ang labo. Period.

When asked the same question, Loren Legarda answered, “I believe in civil union and granting the rights and privileges to lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender.” Thank you candidate No. 19!

And for JV Ejercito, “If we look at the Bible, the marriage of two persons is always man and woman. It’s always been Adam and Eve. Wala namang Adan at Adan. Wala ring Eba at Eba.” Unfortunately, wala ring Joseph and Guia.

According to Koko Pimentel, the idea of same sex marriage in the Philippines “is a joke of a proposal.” To which, gay marriage advocates replied, “Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa success ng marriage mo!”

Trusted
A study conducted by EON Stakeholder Relations and Ateneo Graduate School of Business showed that the ‘Church’ was the most trusted sector in the Philippines. The least trusted was ‘Business.’ I’m confused. Isn’t Church and Business the same?

VP to Vatican
Vice President Jejomar Binay was chosen by President Aquino to attend Pope Francis’ installation in Vatican City. Binay accepted the assignment to the Holy See to dispel allegations he’s a ‘maligno.’

Reports say Mrs. Elenita Binay, who was with the Vice President, and their son, Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay was barred earlier from leaving the country because of an existing hold departure order in connection with her plunder case. But the Vice President called Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, and dyaraaaan, Mrs. Binay was allowed to board the flight. Moral of the story: You don’t do that to your future First Lady.

Despite an existing hold departure order on Mrs. Binay, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima instructed immigration officials to let her leave the country. Mrs. Binay is lucky ‘coz she’s the Vice President’s wife and even luckier ‘coz she’s not an Arroyo.

The Pope
Pope Francis reportedly called the Philippines, “Islands of Saints.” And look where we are now.

Retired Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal said when Pope Francis called the Philippines “Islands of Saints,” he probably meant “islands of holy people.” Pope Francis has no idea.

Pope Francis has only one lung. But that’s nothing compared to many Filipino politicians: wala nang utak, wala pang puso!
————————–
“I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.”
~ Kinky Friedman

Sound Bites
“Alam po ninyo, tatapatin ko kayo, hindi po nakakabata ang pagiging Pangulo ng Pilipinas. May mga nagsasabi ngang kailangan ko nang magbakasyon, dahil nahahalata na raw ang lalim ng aking eye bags at lalo na raw yatang numinipis ang aking buhok.”
~President Aquino, PMA Graduation Speech, March 17

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

COMING VERY SOON

MARCH 16, 2013. On this day 492 years ago, Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan landed on Homonhon Island (Eastern Samar). He was warmly welcomed by Eastern Samar Rep. Ben Evardone who feted the Portuguese as his new ally. Weeks before Magellan’s arrival, Evardone abandoned his former principal, Rani Gloria Arroyo, wife of Rajah Miguel. And the rest, as they say was history.

Here’s something light for the weekend.

25 Perfect Movie Casting Choices

1: Koko Pimentel and Migz Zubiri: Inagaw Mo Ang Lahat Sa Akin

2: Honest Taxpayers and Congress: Angels and Demons

3: Panfilo Lacson and Miriam Defensor-Santiago: He’s Just Not That Into You

4: Juan Ponce Enrile and Senate bonuses: Bwakaw

5: Alfredo Lim and Joseph Estrada: Grumpy Old Men

6: Cynthia Villar: Caregiver

7: Team PNoy’s 12-0 target: The Impossible

8: UNA’s Toby Tiangco: Fifty Shades of Grey

9: Lito Lapid: Clueless

10: Chiz Escudero: Taken

11: Jamalul Kiram III and his men: A Series of Unfortunate Events

12: Diocese of Bacolod: Loser

13: Juan Ponce Enrile and you-know-who: Relasyon

14: Jamby Madrigal: Jaws

15: Tingting Cojuangco, Ernie Maceda, Jack Enrile: Ina, Kapatid, Anak

16: Tito Sotto: Lost in Translation

17: Lilia Pineda: Kubrador

18: The Abu Sayyaf Group: Beasts of the Southern Wild

19: Bam Aquino: Up

20: Franklin Drilon: 300

21: Aga Muhlach and Annabelle Rama: Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising

22: Sharon Cuneta: Ang Nawawala

23: President Aquino: Conspiracy Theory

24: Jojo Binay, Nancy Binay, Junjun Binay: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

25: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and her administration: The Usual Suspects
—————————
“People who LIKE movies have a favorite. People who LOVE movies couldn’t possibly choose.”
~Nicole Yatsonsky

Sound Bites
“I categorically state that I have never claimed nor complained to Migz Zubiri that I was a battered wife. In the close to twelve years that we lived together, my husband Koko Pimentel has never ever physically hurt me.”
~Koko Pimentel’s ex-wife Jewel Lobaton on Migz Zubiri’s revelation she’s a battered wife

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PAPA AMERICANO

Warning: This post may offend religious feelings. Continue reading at your own risk.

THE SEARCH is over. There’s a new pope… a new old pope.

Latin American Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76 was not considered as a frontrunner for pope. In fact, in the days leading up to the conclave, he was off the radar; suddenly he’s up there. Very Bam Aquino.

Breaking: The United Nationalist Alliance is questioning the result of the balloting.

Did you hear Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio’s first speech as pope? CNN said the speech was “unconventional.” Some people believe it was “refreshing” and Tito Sotto was like, “Where can I get a copy?”

A Jesuit from Buenos Aires, Argentina, Pope Francis is reportedly a humble man. Others say he’s also “brilliant” although for Cynthia Villar, “Hindi naman kailangang gano’n kagaling ang Pope.”

A cardinal from Argentina has been elected Pope! As winner, the new pope gets a new iPad from Jamby Madrigal.

A new pope has been elected. If things go wrong under his leadership, he can always blame the previous administration of Pope Macapagal-Arroyo.

A Latin American is the new pope. Perceived frontrunners including a Filipino were snubbed by the College of Cardinals. Malacañang smells a conspiracy.

Thousands of Catholics gathered in St. Peter’s Square to welcome the new pope. As throngs waited for the announcement, someone in the crowd shouted, “Tagle! Tagle!” And then Pope Francis appeared and said, “You don’t do that to me!”

With or without a new pope, Migz Zubiri said “we’ll make baby No. 3!”

For at least two hours on Thursday, the Top 10 trending topics on Twitter worldwide were all pope-related. No Justin Bieber, no One Direction. That was Pope Francis’ first miracle!

The Roman Catholic Church is facing daunting challenges. That’s probably the reason why they chose Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a Jesuit with a master’s degree in chemistry. He has the solutions.

Some reports say Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was the runner-up to Pope Benedict XVI in the 2005 conclave. I didn’t know Vatican adopts beauty pageant rules. “If for any reason…”

Ok, it’s done. We have a new pope. The frenzy is starting to subside. The Roman Catholic Church can now continue promoting its anti-homosexual, anti-women, and anti-choice stance. Habemus papam!
——————————————-
“I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance and Other Essays

Sound Bites
“When I approached Pope Francis to assure him of closeness and collaboration of Filipinos, he said, ‘I have high hopes for the Philippines.’”
~Manila Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HALALAN, PERSONALAN

ELECTION CAMPAIGNS bring out the best and the worst in candidates. They trade barbs, hurl personal insults, and employ black propaganda. You don’t know who or what to believe anymore.

Think you’re updated? Take this quotes quiz.

1: On live TV, sabi ni Erap kay Mayor Lim, “’Yang anak mo involved sa drugs!” Ano ang buwelta ni Dirty Harry?
A: “‘Yang anak mo addict na, bakla pa.”
B: “‘Yang anak mo protektor ng jueteng.”
C: “‘Yang anak mo walang leeg!”
D: [Wala sa choices.]

2: Tanong ng media: “May plano ka bang pakasalan si Heart Evangelista?” Ano ang sagot ni Chiz Escudero?
A: “Kung meron man, dapat ba kayo ang unang makaalam? Siya muna.”
B: “Agad agad? Kaka-annul lang ng kasal ko ah. Saka na ‘yan.”
C: “Kailangang manalo muna. Focus muna tayo sa kampanya.”
D: (Tumanggi siyang sagutin ang tanong).

3: Sa panayam ng Rappler, tinanong si Jamby Madrigal kung ano ang masasabi niya sa tila naging personalang away niya at ng ilang kasama sa Senado noon. She answered in English. In Filipino, ito ang sagot niya:
A: “Problema na nila ‘yon!”
B: “Kung hindi ako lalaban, sasabihin nila, wala akong bayag. Hindi ako gano’n.”
C: “Suntukan na lang!”
D: (She just smiled.)

4: Sabi ni Mitos Magsaysay: “Dapat mamili si PNoy kung ano ba talaga ang priority niya: to run our country or to be the campaign manager of Team PNoy. Which is more important?” Ang sagot ng palasyo:
A: “Sanay na kami sa kanya. Putak nang putak. Hindi naman alam ang sinasabi.”
B: “Kung gusto niyang tumaas sa survey, huwag niyang gamitin ang Pangulo.”
C: “You don’t do that to the President!”
D: [Walang pahayag ang palasyo.]

5: Sa Twitter, isang senatorial candidate ang nag-post, in all caps ng tweet na ito:
“HINDI DAPAT BAKLA ANG PINOY! HANDA TAYO DAPAT SA LABAN.” Sino siya?
A: Hindi ko kilala.
B - is for Bigot.
C: ‘Wag pansinin, sisikat lang ‘sya.
D: Christine Bersola

6: “Don’t hit my father.” Ito ang pakiusap nino?
A: Nancy Binay
B: Princess Jaycel Kiram
C: Jack Enrile
D: JV Ejercito

7: Following the phenomenal rise in recent surveys of political neophyte Bam Aquino, UNA stalwarts said there’s “some unseen hands behind the big gains that benefitted one favored LP candidate.” Ayon sa UNA, “LP” now stands for what?
A: Ligalig Party
B: Lahat Pinipilit
C:Laglagan Party
D: Lapiang Pipitsugin

8: Tanong sa radyo kay Chiz Escudero: “Iboboto mo ba straight ang Team PNoy?” His reply:
A: “Secret!”
B: “Of course! Ngayon pang sinipa na ako ng UNA!?!”
C: “Hindi. Ang iboboto kong straight ay UNA. Kaya nga inalis ako doon ‘di ba kasi ayaw nila sa akin? Wala akong iboboto sa Team PNoy.”
D: “Sagrado po ang ating boto kaya ibalato n’yo na lang sa akin ‘yan.”

9: “Ang masakit… pati hitsura ko tinitira. Bakit? Sinabi ko bang ako’y ubod nang ganda? Hindi naman ah. Minsan talaga mapipikon ka na pero kinakaya ko na lang… para sa bayan, para sa taumbayan, para sa kanilang kinabukasan.” Kaninong linya ito?
A: Tingting Cojuangco
B: Cynthia Villar
C: Nancy Binay
D: None of the above

10: Usapang Sex. “Nakakahiya mang aminin, wala talaga.” Sabi niya:
A: Loren Legarda
B: President Aquino
C: Ernesto Maceda
D: Assunta De Rossi

Bonus Question (From his Facebook Account):

Sino ang pulitikong ito? Hint: Quoted by Rappler.com, he said, “I picked cigarettes that were thrown by other people and that wasn’t meant to insult. We must lead by example.”
A: Jack Enrile
B: Gringo Honasan
C: Antonio Trillanes
D: None of the above

[Below, you'll find the answers.]
———————————————————————–
“I hate organized religion. I hate that people use it to justify their crappy, bigoted beliefs.”
- Hannah Harrington, (Saving June)

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answers:
1: D. Wala sa choices. What Mayor Lim said was, “’Yung anak ko totoo na naging addict yan eh. ‘Yung anak niya, nambugbog ng babae, naasunto dahil din sa drugs.”

2: A.
3: A: Jamby’s exact words: “It’s their problem, not mine.

4: D. Malacañang did not reply.
5: A B and C. The candidate goes by the name Greco Belgica. Subtract 2 from your total score if you answered Christine Bersola.

6: A. Nancy Binay
7: C. Laglagan Party

8: B.
9: D. Nobody said that. But add 2 pts to your total score if you answered Cynthia Villar, add 1 pt if you answered Tingting Cojuangco. Subtract 2 if you answered Nancy Binay.

10: A. Loren Legarda.
Bonus Question: None of the above. Add 2 pts if you guessed Richard Gordon! That’s him.

What Your Score Means:
12-13 pts: We’re impressed. Updated ka. Ipagpatuloy mo ‘yan!

10-11 pts: Kung ‘di ka pa siguro sumagot ng Cynthia Villar sa Question #9, ‘di ka aabot sa iskor na ‘to. Pero pwede na! Good job.

8-9 pts: Pasang-awa. Proud ka na ng lagay na ‘yan? Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa ‘yo.

6-7 pts: Kasi naman, wala nang inatupag kundi “Please Be Careful With My Heart” at Facebook. Magbasa ka naman o kaya manood ng balita.

5 and below: Where have you been? Busy? Kina-career ang trabaho? May increase sa suweldo? ‘Wag masyadong seryoso. Tandaan ang sabi ng DOH: 35 percent ng Filipino employees, mentally disturbed. Chill.

Thanks for your time!

Photos: Philstar.com and LiberalParty.org

THE CHOICE

THIS WEEK, the College of Cardinals is expected to vote for a new pope. The election is getting serious. In fact, some of the cardinals have been dancing to Psy’s ‘Gangnam Style’ just to win votes.

The rapid rise in popularity of Filipino Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle is phenomenal. He’s reportedly in the Top 12. But expect him to inch much closer to the top 5 when his life story is featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

Some 115 cardinal electors gather in Sistine Chapel to elect a new pope. Reports say the cardinals will be praying and voting four times. Yup, four times. That’s worse than some Filipinos who vote twice during elections.

According to the rules, if a new pope is not elected in two or three days it means the cardinals are probably severely divided – that, or the votes from Lanao and Maguindanao don’t tally with the actual number of voters.

Firefighters have installed the Sistine Chapel chimney that will tell the whole world when a new Pope is elected. A black smoke from the chimney means there’s no winner yet; a white smoke signifies the election of a new pope, and a red smoke means Santa Claus was trapped and got toasted.

In other news…
Controversial former Lanao Del Norte representative Macabangkit Lanto has declined his appointment as Comelec commissioner. BREAKING: Senator Drilon’s heart

President Aquino’s two new picks for Comelec commissioner, Macabangkit Lanto and Ma. Bernadette Sardillo both declined their appointments. The Comelec is in panic mode now since the conclave will start in less than 24 hours.

Macabangkit Lanto and Bernadette Sardillo who both declined their appointments to the Comelec were chosen by President Aquino to replace retired poll officials. The President should replace his search committee first.

Pulse Asia
The latest Pulse Asia survey is out. It’s 8 for Team PNOY, 4 for UNA and 6 for political dynasties.

Now ranked sixth, Team PNOY’s Bam Aquino is the biggest gainer. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 2 lbs.

Giving
According to the World Giving Index, the Philippines is the second “most giving” nation in Southeast Asia and 17th among 160 countries in the world. We are really generous. We give to charity, we give to strangers, and we give up our claim to Sabah.

Satisfied
Senatorial aspirant Miguel Zubiri of UNA said, “Win or lose, my wife and I are making baby No. 3.” With or without that baby No. 3, we don’t care!

Sought for comment on rumors that he’s gay, Migz Zubiri told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ask my wife. She seems so satisfied.” To which Ogie Diaz said, “My wife too.”

Migz Zubiri’s’ wife Audrey said, “We have two wonderful children. I am very happy with my husband.” And Koko Pimentel was like, “Whatevs!”
———————————————–
“Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Ako ang pinakamahirap sa mga Madrigal.”
~Jamby Madrigal /via SRO on dzMM

“Actually natatawa nga ako sa sinasabi ni Migz Zubiri, siya ‘yong tumatawag sa pansin ko eh wala na siya sa radar ko.”
~Sen. Koko Pimentel

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Associated Press, Chairman Brillantes]