NOBODY, NOBODY BUT TIU AND OTHER LIGHTBULB JOKES

24 10 2014

IT’S BEEN A YEAR since we last posted some light bulb jokes and a lot of things have happened since. It’s time to screw in some more light bulbs.

Corruptuo
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to change it again even if it’s still working.

Q: How many Vice President Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to deny ownership of the light bulb.

Q: How many Antonio Tius does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but we know he’s only doing it for someone else.

TT
Q: How many Sen. Antonio Trillaneses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to investigate reports that the old, burnt light bulb was overpriced.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to give cake to the old, retired light bulb.

Q: How many Makati City contractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but he’ll do it in five phases.

Q: How many US Marine Private First Class Joseph Scott Pembertons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to crush the used light bulb.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He doesn’t enter rooms with dead light bulbs. He finds it uncomfortable.

Q: How many PNP chief Allan Purisimas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He can do it alone. It’s just an ordinary light bulb anyway.

Q: How many Lito Lapids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to read and explain the instruction manual.

Q: How many Mayor Rodrigo Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to shoot the burnt bulb.

Q: How many CBCP-member bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. They wanna be stuck in the Dark Ages.

TT
Q: How many Camarines Norte Governor Egay Tallado does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to take a video.

Q: How many Health Asst. Secretary Eric Tayags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least three. One to change it, and two to hold the ladder.

Q: How many Gilas Pilipinas players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 12. One to change it, one to assist, and 10 to cheer: “#Puso!”

Q: How many members of the NU Bulldogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team. It’s always a team effort.

Q: How many Tamaraws does it take to change a light bulb?
A: just a feu.

Q: How many UP coaches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m not sure. UP coaches don’t last as long as light bulbs.

TT
Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to praise God for the gift of light.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, one to announce the accomplishment to the whole world, and one to cry on TV in case the new light bulb fails to work.

Q: How many Herbert Bautistas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three and a half. The ceiling is a bit high.

1FD
Q: How many Frank Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ‘Wag masyadong umasa. Malamang tanggihan ka lang.

Q: How many taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to overcharge you for the bulb.

Q: How many Customs officials and personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Magkano muna?
————————————————————————————————————
“There is no compromise when it comes to corruption. You have to fight it.”
~A. K. Antony

TTSound Bites
From whatever angle one views it, Makati City is a bundle of contradictions. It is home to the ultrarich as well as to the extremely poor. Gleaming skyscrapers tower above the dilapidated hovels of slum dwellers. Modern firms operate within a territory controlled by a political family that has wielded power continuously for 28 years.
~Prof. Randy David, ‘Makati’s Contradictions’

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: RailElectrica.com; Philippine Daily Inquirer, SkyscraperCity.Com]





THE SECRET MEETING AND THE SURVEY

18 10 2014

REPORTS SAY President Aquino and Vice President Binay had a private meeting in Malacañang last Tuesday evening. It was a three-hour meeting between the country’s most powerful haciendero, and President Aquino.

1
The President’s meeting with Vice President Binay lasted more than three hours: from 9PM to 12:30AM. Binay spent the first hour persuading Aquino to stop the DOJ and Senate investigations. The President spent the next two hours saying, “No.”

Probe
The National Bureau of Investigation has reportedly started its probe into the alleged misdeeds of Vice President Binay. And there are many. To ensure an orderly probe, the NBI will begin in the first floor.

Winnable
In an exclusive story, Rappler.com reported that Vice President Binay would demolish President Aquino in a two-way battle for president in 2016. That’s according to a survey by Laylo Research Strategies commissioned by supporters of the Vice President. The survey is based on a sample of 1,200… Makati residents.

The Vice President will demolish President Aquino in a two-way battle for president in 2016. That’s according to a survey by Laylo Research Strategies commissioned by loyal Binay supporters. Laylo’s clients include media outfits, private companies, businessmen, and insecure politicians pretending to be ‘loyal supporters.’

1EXCLUSIVE: Here’s a copy of the survey form
—xxx—-
RESPONDENT NO. __________
DATE: ______________

Magandang araw po! Ito ay isang pag-aaral hinggil sa halalan sa ating bansa.

May limang tanong sa survey na ito na kumakatawan sa limang isyu sa ating lipunan. Ang bawat tanong ay may dalawang pagpipilian: Vice President Binay at President Aquino. Lagyan ng check ang napili mong sagot.

Mangyari lamang pong pag-aralang mabuti ang mga tanong bago sumagot. Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto upang ito ay tapusin. Simulan mo na ngayon!

Traffic
1: Grabe talaga ang traffic. Wala bang ginagawa ang gobyernong Aquino? Si Abaya ng DOTC, ano bang nagawa n’ya na? Wala naman yata eh! Kaibigan pa naman siya ng presidente. By the way, sinong iboboto mong pangulo sakaling ganapin ngayon ang eleksyon?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Law and Order
2: Narinig mo ba ang balita tungkol sa batang pandesal vendor na hinoldap sa Caloocan? Kumulo talaga ang dugo ko nang mapanood ko ‘yon. Pati bata ‘di nakaligtas sa mga kriminal. Wala talagang silbi ang pulisya! Hay naku! Kasalanan ‘yan ni Mar Roxas! ‘Di ba under ng DILG ang PNP? Anong nangyari? Mga inutil! Sanga pala, if ever na ganapin ang eleksyon ngayon, sinong iboboto mo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Disaster Preparedness
3: ‘Buti na lang, hindi direktang tumama sa Pilipinas ang super-typhoon Ompong. Kung nagkataon, lubog na naman sa baha ang maraming bayan at siyudad sa bansa. Marami na namang mawawalan ng tirahan. Thank God laging nauuna sa pamamahagi ng relief goods si Vice President Binay. ‘Yan ang totoong action man. Hypothetical lang, sakaling dalawa na lang ang maglalaban sa pagka-presidente ngayong 2016, sinong iboboto mo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

Employment
4: Uy, malapit na naman ang Pasko. Ang sabi sa balita, magmamahal na naman ang mga pagkaing pang-Noche Buena. ‘Yan eh kung may pera kang pambili. Bakit, may trabaho ka ba? Mabuti pa ang mga taga-Makati. Every year, may loot bags na puno ng grocery items. Hayyy, inggit much. Maiba ako, kung gaganapin kaya ngayon ang eleksyon, sinong iboboto mo sa pagka-pangulo?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

And finally… Graft and Corruption
5: Aba! Nasa puwesto pa pala si PNP Chief Allan “Ordinary” Purisima. Ang tindi! Palibhasa, close siya kay Presidente Aquino kaya kapit-tuko sa puwesto. Nakakadismaya. ‘Yan ba ang tuwid na daan? Tse!! Anyway, kung ngayon isasagawa ang halalan, sinong kandidato ang iyong susuportahan?
___A: Vice President Binay
___B: President Aquino

MARAMING SALAMAT po sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makaaasa kayong magiging confidential ang inyong mga sagot. Dahil hangad namin ang patas, tapat at malinis na resulta, dadaan po ito sa masusing pag-aanalisa bago isapubliko.

Mabuhay po kayo!
—–xxx——-
-END-

1In Other News…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un went missing recently. People didn’t know where he had been. Nobody had heard from him for a very long time. Political analysts have a term for that: Lito Lapid.

To be fair to Kim Jong Un, he resurfaced after 40 days. While Lito Lapid is still missing.

Worst Airport
Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto International Airport has dislodged our very own Ninoy Aquino International Airport as the world’s worst airport. Geez! What’s happening to our country? We’re no longer No. 1 at anything.

1Wanted: Volunteers
The Philippine Red Cross is looking for volunteers for Ebola duty in West Africa. Voluntary? Why not mandatory? Let’s send some senators and congressmen!

Attacked
A mistress was violently attacked by the wife of the man she was allegedly sleeping with. The mistress was stripped, punched and kicked by the scorned wife. And Mrs. Cristina Enrile was like, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”
—————————————————————————————————–
“I wonder why people work so hard to become politicians just in order to do something wrong.”
~Masuji Ibuse

Sound Bites
“This will come to pass soon, and you will see me in the bigger political arena, fighting Goliaths in an effort to become a part of a better future.”
~Vice President Binay

1
“My soul is male, but I’m not going to go through that stage where I’m going to change everything.”
~Charice as interviewed by Oprah

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net, NBC News, CNN.Com]





OF RATINGS AND ROBBERS

14 10 2014

1pan
AN UNIDENTIFIED man robbed a hapless 11-year-old, pandesal vendor in Caloocan City last week. The suspect took advantage of someone powerless and stole his hard-earned money. He has a very bright future in politics.

Some politicians have reportedly visited the victim and extended support. The politicians praised him for being a hard worker, and then lashed out at the robber for his lack of originality.

An 11-year-old boy who was selling pandesal was robbed of his earnings by an unidentified man in Caloocan City. Reports say the victim has been saving so he could buy a bicycle. Neighbors of the robber say he has been stealing so he could own an air-conditioned piggery.

1.1 oBAMARecord Low
In the latest Social Weather Stations survey, Vice President Binay obtained his lowest net satisfaction rating in four years. The Vice President’s rating dropped by 15°C.

From +67 in the second quarter of the year, Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating plunged to +52 in September. To be fair, the Vice President has maintained the highest satisfaction rating among top government officials (Aquino, Drilon, Sereno, and Belmonte trail him). In fact, Binay leads Belmonte by a wide margin, 39 hectares to be exact.

Black Propaganda?
UNA interim secretary general JV Bautista believes DILG Sec. Mar Roxas is behind Oplan Stop Nognog 2016 – allegedly, a plot to derail Vice President Binay’s presidential bid. The Binay camp is certain that Oplan Stop Nognog is targeting Binay because the operation has Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4 and Phase 5.

Liberal Party allies of Mar Roxas categorically denied the allegation made by JV Bautista that the DILG chief was behind Oplan Stop Nognog 2016. Besides, if Mar was behind that plot, he would have probably called it Oplan Stop Malignong Maliit at Maitim 2016.

Satisfied
In the latest SWS survey, 45 percent of respondents expressed satisfaction with the performance of Congress. While the other 55 percent said, “What performance?!?”

1NOYTuwid Na Daan
According to a Pulse Asia survey, only 29 percent of Filipinos believed that President Aquino fulfilled his promise of ‘Tuwid na Daan.’ The remaining 71 percent admitted experiencing ‘Masikip na Daan.’

Malacañang couldn’t believe the results of the Pulse Asia study. Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda even questioned its timing. The ‘Tuwid na Daan’ survey was conducted from Sept. 8 to 5 and had a margin of error of plus-or-minus Allan Purisima.

1jinggoySame Fate?
A news report says Jinggoy Estrada is suffering from the same illness as Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: arthritis of the neck. The report has been dismissed as baseless and preposterous mostly because Jinggoy doesn’t have a neck.

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Jinggoy Estrada and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo have the same ailment. The condition is called cervical spondylosis. It is commonly known as karma.

Liar?
The Anti-Money Laundering Council has discovered that Bong Revilla lied in his SALN. Among other things.

1zumMass Zumba
Because of heavy rains, Quezon City failed to break the Guinness world record for the largest Zumba class last Sunday. Mayor Herbert Bautista and council must not be sad though because the city has set a world record for most number of tarps, tents, posts, walls, waiting sheds, and billboards with names and images of politicians. Congratulations!

Cellphone Ban
To prevent crime, Bulacan Rep. Gavini Pancho wants to ban the use of cell phones inside banks. Pancho’s suggestion was praised for being brilliant and novel… 12 years ago.

Metro Crime
On the average, 660 criminal acts are committed per week in Metro Manila according to the NCR Police Office. Most crimes are committed on the streets. The rest are in session halls.
———————————————————————————————-
“Men kill for many reasons, they steal but for one – greed.”
~Sharon Kay Penman, Falls the Shadow

Sound Bites
“Isipin mo, si vice mayor Mercado nakaupa ng helicopter. In spite of the fact na nasa Witness Protection Program siya, nakuha niya pang magrenta ng helicopter at siya mismo sumakay sa helicopter. So, I wonder, kung may government funds bang nagastos para doon sa aerial survey na ginawa?”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

“Like many other politicians, Vice President Jejomar Binay trumpets his rise from poverty to wealth. It is a trope that ethically-challenged, and therefore also creatively-challenged, public relations people use with knee-jerk consistency.”
~Prof. Sylvia Estrada-Claudio

Poll Results
Untitled

Enjoy your week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos:
PDI/Jinggoy/Aquino
PDI/Zumba
@VPJojoBinay/Binay&Roxas
ABSCBNNews/PandesalVendor]





PIGS

9 10 2014

FORMER MAKATI CITY Vice Mayor Nestor Mercado dropped another bombshell in the Senate last Wednesday. Mercado alleged that the Binays own a 350-hectare estate in Rosario, Batangas. The media dubbed it ‘Hacienda Binay.’ That’s how much Tita Cory had influenced the Vice President.

11BINAY ESTATE
According to Nestor Mercado, the estate has two mansions, a 40-car garage, a cock breeding farm, an orchid farm, a “maze garden” patterned after the Kew Gardens in London, a horse ranch, an air-conditioned piggery, and a man-made lagoon. Or as PNP Chief Allan Purisima would say, “ordinary.”

The sprawling property, Mercado claimed, is equivalent to “six Luneta Parks, 10 Araneta Centers or even half the city of San Juan.” To give you an idea of how huge the property is, Binay tried to survey the estate from end to end on foot while he was still a city mayor. He only finished the survey when he was already the country’s vice president.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an air-conditioned piggery – the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after Batasang Pambansa.

Nestor Mercado bared that it was the idea of former Makati City Mayor Elenita Binay to install air-conditioning units in the piggery. Even Imelda Marcos was like, “That’s too much.”

11BINAY ESTATE2
The Binays’ air-conditioned pig farm was put up in 1994. In fact, the farm recently marked its 20th anniversary. To celebrate the momentous event, the pigs were given cakes.

Despite the series of shocking exposés, the Vice President will not attend the Senate inquiry. You know, he’s focused on his work. He’s got a tough job as vice president. The only thing tougher is the job of his PR team and damage control group.

Lawyer JV Bautista, interim secretary-general of UNA and a staunch Binay defender called for a lifestyle check on Nestor Mercado. According to Bautista, the former Makati City vice mayor is a gambler who frequents casinos and has lost millions in cockfights. To which, Mercado replied, “That’s not true. Pustahan pa tayo.”

11BINAY ESTATE
The camp of Vice President Binay has since denied Mercado’s allegations and insisted businessman Antonio Tiu is the real owner of the Batangas estate. To clarify the issue, Tiu has expressed willingness to face anyone: Trillanes, Cayetano, Pimentel… anyone! “Challenge accepted.” – Kim Henares

People have different views on the Binay controversy. Some say as public officials, the Binays must be open to scrutiny. They have a point. Others believe the allegations must be substantiated and backed up with evidence. They also have a point. In fact, everyone who has a piece to say about the issue has a point – except perhaps for Mar Roxas who will probably gain six more points.

When asked to comment on the ill-gotten wealth allegations against the Binays, presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said, “We are not involved in any way. We are just observers.” Then, he high-fives Abi Valte.

When asked to comment on the controversies hounding the Binays, presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said, “We are just observers.” With popcorn, soda, and laughter.
11BINAY ESTATE3Huge Drop
The recent probe on the alleged overpriced Makati City Hall Building 2 has definitely affected public perception of Vice President Binay. His approval and trust ratings in the latest Pulse Asia survey dropped by 15 percentage points. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 floors.

Of the government’s four highest-ranking officials, Vice President Binay got the highest trust and approval rating. It was so high… Junjun Binay had to take the elevator.

Progress
A report says China has overtaken the U.S. as the world’s largest economy. In third place is the Binay economy.

Q-10Unexplained Wealth
The Anti-Money Laundering Council (AMLC) says Bong Revilla has an unexplained wealth of almost 88 million pesos. Apparently, when Bong was made to explain in writing, he told AMLC he’s better at multiple choice questions.

Reports say Bong Revilla has an unexplained wealth of almost 88 million pesos. He’s in big trouble. He’s not used to explaining about money. The few times he was made to explain by Lani – it was about women.

Cheaters, Inc.
A recent study revealed men who cheat on their wives were more likely to die of a heart attack. In totally unrelated news, doctors at the PGH say Senator Enrile has atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease. #walalang #promise #walatalaga
—————————————————————————————
“Honest people don’t hide their deeds.”
~Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

Sound Bites
“Nakakatawa po iyon. Matagal nang isyu iyon. Dumami na nga nang dumami. Dati nga 150 hectares, tapos naging 200 hectares, ngayon naging 300 na.”
~Vice President Binay on his alleged estate in Rosario, Batangas

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Office of the Vice President]





SECOND TERM, THE BAR, KRISTEK AND OTHER STORIES

5 10 2014

OCTOBER 5 marked the start of the annual bar exams. Good luck to the future liars. I mean, lawyers. Sorry!

1Bar
An 88-year-old man from Bulacan is taking the bar exams for the third time. Because of his advanced age, the Bar Exams Committee approved his request that his test questions be written in hieroglyphics.

Bienvenido Hilario, an 88-year-old man from Bulacan is probably the oldest examinee in this year’s bar exams. He has taken the bar three times. He was still very young when he first took the bar. He was like 85.

Reporters covering the bar exams in UST were surprised to see Bienvenido Hilario, an 88-year-old examinee. And in an even more surprising twist, Hilario’s mother was there to support him.

The Manila City government prohibited the sale and distribution of liquor around University of Santo Tomas where the annual bar exam is being held for four Sundays. In related news, the Manila city government reported an increase in liquor sales in and around De La Salle University after its painful loss to FEU in the UAAP.

Second Term
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Filipinos do not want a second term for President Aquino. The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne, and Elenita.

Anti-Noy
A multi-sectoral group led by several Catholic bishops is calling for the resignation of President Aquino. The bishops scored the President for failing to uphold the Constitution, failing to curb corruption, and failing to give them Mitsubishi Pajeros.

1SASAPro-Noy
A group wants President Aquino to seek a second term saying he’s “the best and only successor.” The group calls itself “MORE2COME.” Personally though, President Aquino finds “MORE2COME” a bit of a challenge. At his age.

Growing Old
According to a global study, Norway is the best place in the world to grow old. And Makati City is the best place in the world to be a member of the bids and awards committee.

War-torn Afghanistan ranked last in the Global AgeWatch Index. It’s the worst place to grow old – if at all.

Bribery
In China, several journalists who accepted bribes “from financially vulnerable companies in exchange for flattering coverage” were arrested, charged, and detained. On Twitter, award-winning journalist Marites Vitug asked, “Will we see this happen in the Philippines?” And if I may add, “Do we have enough detention cells?”

1SASANothing Wrong
Actor Richard Gomez said people (like Sen. Pia Cayetano and other women’s rights advocates) who spoke against an offensive act in the recent underwear show were only making noise because of the upcoming elections. Which is funny because if there’s someone who needs to make noise to win an election, it’s Richard Gomez.

‘Herbert-zoned’
In a TV interview, Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista revealed that he and Kris Aquino were never officially on. He said there never was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Kris is keeping mum on the issue but close friends say she won’t stoop down to Herbert’s level mainly because it’s too low.

Model/Cop
The police official whose business card was allegedly used by model Alyzza Agustin to dodge a traffic infraction mulls filing charges against the model. Police Chief Supt. Alexander Ignacio dismissed rumors he’s a womanizer and denied reports that Agustin was his girlfriend. This morning, Agustin got a call from Kris Aquino who said, “I can relate.”

1MA Dud
Congressman Manny Pacquiao had a lackluster professional basketball debut. He scored just a single point and got a single rebound in a tune-up game Saturday. If it’s any consolation, that’s way way better than his performance as a congressman.

Manny Pacquiao scored 1 point and got 1 rebound in KIA Sorento’s loss to Blackwater in a pre-season game Saturday. After the game, Manny Pacquiao promised, “Lalaro ako sa opening para ma-inspire ang team ko.” That’s good news for his team, and even better news for the other team.

Living In
Confirmed! Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao, 65 and her 39-year-old boyfriend Michael Yamson are living together. Last Saturday on Startalk, Mommy D talked about artificial insemination – boldly declaring, “Gusto kong i-inject ang semilya niya sa kuwan ko.” In the interest of fairness and balanced reporting, we’ll try to get the side of the ‘semilya.’
—————————————————————————————-
“Any society that produces twice as many lawyers as it does poets and preachers is doomed.”
~John Fogarty

Sound Bites
“Maraming nakikisawsaw, hindi lang Gabriela. Alam naman nating malapit na ang election, sila ‘yong maiingay na naghahanap lang ng issue. Ganoon lang kasimple iyon.”
~Richard Gomez

“Kasi gusto n’ya sikat agad siya, ‘yan ang nasa utak niya. Sarili lang niya ang iniisip niya eh.”
~Former PBA star Ramon ‘El Presidente’ Fernandez blasting Gilas Pilipinas head coach Chot Reyes

Poll Results
1SASA

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dexter Ganibe/Bienvenido Hilario; PhilStar.Com/More2Come; KickerDaily/Coco Martin; @PBAonTV5/Pacquiao]





RATINGS

1 10 2014

VICE PRESIDENT Binay’s rating in Pulse Asia’s September 2014 survey on Filipinos’ presidential preferences dropped to 31 percent from 41 percent in June. Rumors say Binay is depressed because he lost 10 percent – something that’s unusual for him. He’s so used to gaining 13 percent.

1KB
Despite losing 10 points, the Vice President is still ahead of the pack. He leads Roxas by 18 floors.

In the latest survey, Vice President Binay led his rivals by a wide margin. Pulse Asia has denied rumors that some anti-Binay respondents were not able to participate in the survey because they were trapped in an elevator.

He just lost 10 points in the latest survey but Vice President Binay is really serious about his 2016 presidential bid. If he loses another 10 points, his bid could be in peril. Plan B: Change his name to “Hilmarc’s Construction Corp.” to ensure a win.

For the first time, Mar Roxas got a double-digit rating in a recent presidential survey. Voter-preference for the DILG chief rose to 13 percent from a mere 7 percent. If his rating further improves in the next survey, the Liberal Party will celebrate with a bonfire.

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed a 10 percent drop in the rating of presidential hopeful Jojo Binay. For Toby Tiangco, it’s a bad hair day.

Vice President Binay lost 10 points in the latest survey. Toby Tiangco is blaming politics, black propaganda, and Marcus Douthit.

Top Ranked
Tito Sotto topped Pulse Asia’s latest senatorial survey followed by Kiko Pangilinan. How’s that possible? Sharon Cuneta is no longer that popular today. So for Kiko, it’s not Sharon. But for Sotto, Eat’s Bulaga.

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, actor Dingdong Dantes was in the 28th to 35th position. He needs five more televised marriage proposals to boost his chances.

Donors
In the Senate hearing Tuesday, PNP Chief Allan Purisima said the construction of the controversial ‘White House’ in Camp Crame was made possible by friends in the construction industry who “donated P11 million.” And Kim Henares was like, “Thanks for the tip.”

When asked by Sen. Grace Poe to rate himself based on “performance,” embattled PNP Chief Allan Purisima answered, “I would rate myself a nine.” To which, his wife said, “Hindi rin.”

1KBOccupy Central
Massive demonstrations continue in Hong Kong as pro-democracy protesters demand genuine reforms from Beijing. Riot police have been using tear gas and pepper spray to disperse rallyists who protected themselves using umbrellas. The protests have since been dubbed the “Umbrella Revolution.” That’s how you put the umbrella to good use. Take note Mayor Junjun Binay.

Traffic Solution?
On TV Patrol, Korina Sanchez jokingly suggested that instead of implementing the number coding scheme on vehicles, authorities must try the color-coding scheme on people. The suggestion offended the Binays.

Apologies
“For offending the sensitivities of some persons,” Bench founder Ben Chan apologized for the controversial act involving Coco Martin and a female model on a leash during its recent underwear show. Ben Chan has yet to apologize though to those people whose sensitivities were massively offended by Jake Cuenca.

1PoliceModel/Police
Sexy model Alyzza Agustin recently bragged on Facebook that she avoided getting ticketed by traffic cops after showing them a high-ranking PNP official’s signed business card with a note that said, “Pls assist my EA Alyzza Agustin.” The official was identified as PNP Directorate for Plans chief Alexander Ignacio. Ignacio has a lot of explaining to do to his superiors and a lot more explaining to do to his wife.

Satan
Last Monday, Pope Francis was quoted to have said that “Satan seduces us by disguising evil as good.” So don’t be tricked by Satan. Say no to large fries.
———————————————————————————————-
“Too many leaders value their popularity, protecting it at all cost, degrading their credibility.”
~Noel De Jesus, 44 Days of Leadership

Sound Bites
“We expected a bigger decline. The latest survey results are a surprise for us.”
~UNA interim president Toby Tiangco

“I categorically DENY that I personally know Alyzza Agustin, who claimed that she used my business card to avoid getting a traffic citation. She is not my Executive Assistant and there is no such position in my office.”
~Police Chief Supt. Alexander Ignacio

Have a productive month of October!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Manila Bulletin/Roxas and Binay; Mashable/Occupy Central, ScreenCap/AlyzzaAgustin via @inquirerdotnet]





LOST

28 09 2014

ONE OF THE favorites to win the basketball gold in the 17th Asian Games, the Philippines has just been eliminated. Gilas Pilipinas put the ‘heart’ in ‘heartbreaking.’

112
Gilas Pilipinas would have advanced if it won by at least 11 points against Kazakhstan. But the Kazakhs cut Gilas’ lead from as high as 18 to only 2 in the dying seconds. Hoping to send the game into overtime where it could win, Gilas intentionally scored at the wrong basket. What a cheap chot! I mean, shot. Sorry.

Last Friday, Coach Chot Reyes blamed the loss of Gilas Pilipinas against Qatar on naturalized Filipino Marcus Douthit saying, “Our big guy just quit on our team.” He then benched Douthit in the succeeding game against South Korea. Gilas lost again. And Douthit was like, “Don’t look at me now.”

Bitter rivals Gilas Pilipinas and South Korea faced each other again last Saturday. It was #heart and Seoul. Touted as one of the favorites and with shrieking fans cheering on, a confident Gilas Pilipinas falls. It was their ‘James Reid’ moment.

Tired
The Vice President’s legal counsel, Princess Turgano fainted while explaining Binay’s financial statement last Wednesday. That was understandable though since the surge in Binay’s wealth, from P2.6M to P60M, was dizzying.

1123Men At Work
Instead of attending the Senate hearing to answer corruption allegations thrown against him, Vice President Binay visited poor residents of Tondo in Manila. So many people cheered, and queued up to see the Vice President up close and personal. The head count was close to 2016.

Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay has refused to attend the ongoing Senate hearing on the alleged overpricing of the P2.2 billion Makati City Hall Building II. Junjun says he’d rather work for the people of his city. Luckily, the Binays have an able spokesperson in the governor of Cavite who’d also rather work for the city of Makati.

Love Ko ‘To
Instead of eating at a fancy restaurant while in the US, President Aquino’s last meal was spent at McDonald’s in San Francisco. To which, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Martin Romualdez said, “Pwede pala ‘yon?”

11kl
According to online reports, President Aquino’s motorcade halted traffic on Haight St. in San Francisco, California when his entourage dropped by a McDonald’s restaurant to eat lunch. Some motorists got pissed and were heard saying, “Who the hell does he think he is? Binay?!?”

Rumors say after finishing his meal, President Aquino bought some McDonald’s toys for his allies in Congress. Each of his solon-friends will get a Hamburglar.

Work Week
The Civil Service Commission (CSC) has approved the proposed four-day work week scheme for government employees in Metro Manila. In the new schedule, a workday has been extended to 10 hours: from 8AM to 7PM. Employees will have more time to serve the public and even longer hours to use Facebook for free.

Free Internet
Smart, Talk N’ Text, and Sun Cellular are now offering free mobile Internet to prepaid subscribers. Again, it’s ‘free.’ They didn’t say it’s ‘fast.’

Smart is now offering free Internet to pre-prepaid subscribers. The catch: you’ll receive free KathNiel and JaDine updates every minute.

After making the big announcement last Friday, PLDT Chair Manny Pangilinan said, “That’s better than politics.” And the Binay family was like, “Of course not!”

11klCongested
According to the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, the congestion rate of jails nationwide is now at 326 percent. In fact, some detention cells reportedly have congestion rates of more than 1,000 percent. However, not all facilities with criminals are congested. Exception: Batasang Pambansa.
———————————————————————————————
“Sometimes you must lose everything to gain it again, and the regaining is the sweeter for the pain of loss.”
~Cassandra Clare

Sound Bites
“Karapatan ko pong pansamantalang hindi dumalo sa pagdinig sa Senado. Bilang mayor ng Makati, marami pa akong tungkuling dapat kong gampanan. Magtatrabaho po ako dahil ‘yan ang inaasahan sa akin.”
~Junjun Binay

Have a safe and productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philstar (Gilas); NewsFlash.Org (Binays); @0andre0 (SanFo), and Hazel Thompson (Jail)]





REVENGE

24 09 2014

1a
IN CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts, President Aquino called on critics to file cases against his allies, whom they believe to be corrupt. The President says they can take his men to court, just don’t take them back to UP campus.

In Newton, Massachusetts, President Aquino admitted that he thought of exacting revenge on then sitting president Ferdinand Marcos when his father Ninoy was murdered in 1983. “An eye for an eye,” he said. Good thing cooler heads prevailed or he would have put a bigger eye at risk.

Dumped
A high-ranking, pro-Russian politician in Ukraine was mobbed by angry protesters and thrown into a huge garbage can. He’s lucky he wasn’t hurt. Bu you know who’s luckier? Butch Abad.

Birthday Bong
Bong Revilla is celebrating his 48th birthday on September 25. Rumors say Camp Crame will be renovating his detention cell as a birthday gift. Bathroom fixtures will be made of stainless steal.

Sacked
Sandiganbayan Associate Justice Gregory Ong, whose ties with pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles were exposed last year was ordered sacked by the Supreme Court. The high court also ordered the forfeiture of all of Ong’s retirement benefits. Which was nothing compared to his Napoles benefits.

1SPINBasketbrawl
Monday’s game between NCAA cellar dwellers Mapua Cardinals and EAC Generals at the San Juan Arena turned into a free-for-all brawl with players throwing punches at one another. The basketbrawlers only stopped when they realized nobody’s really watching the game.

NCAA Mancom chair Paul Supan reminded the players that “hooliganism has no place in an established league like the NCAA.” If they couldn’t help it, he advised them to go to UP.

A heated game between the Mapua Cardinals and EAC Generals turned into an all-out brawl Monday. There was yelling, punching, shoving and even, threats. What a shame! Who the hell do you think you are kids, Billy Crawford?

1CLText Lane
A city in China has a special sidewalk for people who love to text while they’re walking. In the Philippines, it’s called ‘everywhere.’

World War III
During a private meeting with a congregation of Jewish leaders, Pope Francis said World War III had begun. And then an aide reminded him that it was just an NCAA game he was watching live from Manila.

Pope Francis was quoted to have said that World War III had begun. I knew it! That’s exactly the reason why I want Facebook to junk its ‘Seen’ feature.

During a visit to Italy’s largest war memorial, Pope Francis was quoted to have said that World War III had begun. To prevent the escalation of conflict, he advised Catholics not to say anything negative against other people or anything that will offend KathNiel and Marian Rivera fans.

1RAPE‘Rape Shirt’
SM Department Store is getting flak for selling shirts printed with the offensive line, “It’s Not Rape. It’s A Snuggle With A Struggle.” SM Supermalls has since apologized and pulled out the ‘rape shirt’ from the boys’ section of its stores. SM mall managers are trying hard to identify the supplier, and trying even harder to learn the meaning of the word ‘snuggle.’

Sperm Donor
A Chinese man reportedly died after donating sperm four times in 10 days. Guys, now you know the limit: 3x in 10 days.

Productive
A recent study showed that the most productive people work for 52 minutes at a time, then break for 17 minutes before getting back to it. But they’ll definitely be more productive if they’ll stop using Facebook for hours.

1Lovebirds
In England, archeologists unearthed the skeletons of a couple who appear to have been buried together holding hands. They’ve been in that romantic position for 700 years. Kilig to the bones!
————————————————————————————————
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
~Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Sound Bites
“As the only son, I felt an overwhelming urge to exact an eye for an eye. Mr. Marcos and his ilk were like rabid dogs who had lost all reason. There was no longer any potential for dialogue; the only solution when confronted by a rabid dog is to put it down.”
~President Aquino [Newton, Massachusetts 9.23.2014]

Poll Results
1POLL

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA Network (Aquino), SPIN.Ph (NCAA), Reuters (Text Lane), Karen Kunawicz (SM), University of Leicester Archaeological Services, ]





ALAM MO NA! [Krissy For You, Super Mario atbp. Kwento]

20 09 2014

“NAKAKALOKA! Akala ako it was Ondoy all over again! Ganito ang nangyari Darla.

1KA
I slept at around 11:45PM last Thursday kasi nga it was starting to rain na and ‘bed weather’ talaga. Maaga namang natulog ang mga bagets ‘tsaka early ang taping ko the next day so I decided to sleep na rin. Paggising ko ng 7AM, gosh, it was still raining hard and flooded na raw ang Metro Manila. So I texted Darla to inform her na magpapatila lang ako nang konti. Pero naloka ako nang bonggang-bongga dahil 10 o’clock na, umuulan pa rin. And the news was like, grabe! It was baha na raw everywhere. Hindi ko kinaya si typhoon Mario! Walang tigil! Parang bibig ko lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Dahil stranded naman ang mga tao sa kani-kanilang mga bahay, at canceled ang taping namin, I decided to answer na lang the issues hounding me. Oo! Hounding me talaga. Bakit? Eh talaga namang maraming isyu about me eh. So sasagutin ko na lang here para matapos na.

But first, allow me to salute ABS-CBN News for this timely and relevant story. Promise, nakasalalay rito ang GNP growth ng Pilipinas sa susunod na quarter. Ito ‘yon.

1BUL

He’s so kawawa. I mean, look at those eyes. I can’t imagine myself inside that car for 11 hours. It’s so matagal! If I were him, I would have probably died. Kawawa naman si Bimby ‘tsaka si Josh. ‘Tapos wala nang magtatatanggol kay Kuya Noy. I can’t even. As in! So, to that boy in the car, if you’re reading this, I hope you got home safely. Winner ka huh! Na-news ka pa!

Wait! Gusto nga raw palang mag-hi ng mga taga-Tatalon, Quezon City.

1
Moving on… last Thursday, I was invited by Tito Jojo Binay sa PICC for his speech. You know naman, I’m really close to his daughter Anne. And the Binays are loyal to my mom. Alam mo na! Kaya lang, I thought baka magalit sa akin si Kuya Noy at sabihan na naman ako, “Kristina, ‘wag ka na sabing makialam sa pulitika. Cough. Cough. Cough.” Aha-ha-ha As if naman makokontrol niya akong magsalita ‘di ba? Anyway, nagsabi ako kay Tito Jojo na ‘di ako makakarating. Buti na lang, nando’n sina Tito Butz, Tito Peping at Tita Tingting so keri lang na wala ako. Well-represented naman ang both sides ng family so bongga!

Sa mga nagtatanong kung anong stand ko sa corruption issue against the Binays… ito lang ang masasabi ko: Care bears! Ang importante, we support each other at tumatanaw kami ng utang na loob sa isa’t isa. Besides, Tito Jojo is an action man! Last Friday nga, siya ang unang nag-distribute ng relief goods sa mga typhoon victims. Hindi nagsisinungaling ang evidence. Look!

1InaAndolong

Overpriced din kaya ang eco-bag? Joooke! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, I’d like to thank nga pala Nancy for the cake and silvanas she sent last night. Naloka naman ako sa sobrang taas ng cake mo! Eleven tiers talaga?!? World class?!? Sa sobrang taas ng cake, chineck ko tuloy kung may elevator. Aha-ha-ha You’re so sweet. Love na kitaaaa!

1KH
I’m so happy right now kasi Boy is so back. He lost a few pounds pero keri lang. Lalo ko siyang na-appreciate, promise. Sana na-appreciate din niya ang gift kong Hummer. At sa mga bumabatikos sa akin for announcing it to the world, mamatay kayo sa inggit haters! I mean, it’s just a Hummer, you know. What’s wrong with spending a few millions for a dear friend? Pinaghirapan ko ang perang ‘yon at hindi ninakaw. ‘Tsaka it’s not the first time na nagbigay ako ng sasakyan sa kaibigan. Hellllo! May donor’s tax pa ‘yan! I’ll pay for it so may kontribusyon na naman ako sa government! Kaya pleaaaaase, enough of the inggit and bitterness. Hellllllo!

Speaking of nakaw, laugh ako nang laugh sa kumakalat ngayong pic sa Facebook. May nakawala raw senador sa kulungan! Ayokong sabihin kung sino sa kanilang tatlo. Bahala na kayong mag-decide. Aha-ha-ha!

1FBpig
Gusto ko nga palang i-clarify ang lumabas na blind item sa column ni Tito Ricky Lo. The impression that I got was HP daw ako these days because of Toni Rose Gayda’s ex-husband Moonie Lim. Kasi naman post ako nang post ng pictures ng flowers na ipinapadala niya. So feeling ko tuloy, umasa siya. Can I just be honest? Hindi ko s’ya type. Sorry. Basta. I need not explain. You know naman my exes: Alvin, Philip, Joey, and James. Ayaw ko nang mag-elaborate. Refer na lang to this infographic. Aha-ha-ha.

Sa mga bashers na madalas akong sabihang malanding-malandi at sabik na sabik sa lalaki… this time, MALING-MALI kayo. OA naman ‘yong “sabik na sabik!” Sabik lang! Aha-ha-ha No, seriously, kuntento na ako sa kung anumang meron ako ngayon. Pero sana balikan ako ni Mayor Herbert. Promise!

Before I end, somebody’s asking nga pala kung ano raw ang masasabi ko sa paglusong ni Korina sa baha at pagsakay niya sa pedicab while reporting. NR! I’ve seen that padyak before. ‘Tsaka ayokong maging plastic ‘no! NoyBi kami forever. Unless… magpadala ng 15-tiered cake si Ate Koring – with world-class escalator. Aha-ha-ha!

1KS

Abangan n’yo nga pala ang sequel sa blockbuster movie kong ‘Feng Shui’ – ito po ang official entry ko sa Metro Manila Scream Festival. Hoy! ‘Wag n’yong maliitin ang project kong ‘to! Ang laki ng hirap ko rito! Bawat eksena, tumitili talaga ako. Mapa-drama, aksyon, comedy o intimate scenes, scream pa rin ako nang scream. Kaloka! Aha-ha-ha! SANDALI. O, Yaya, ba’t nand’yan ka?

Ma’am Krissy, may dumating pong flowers. Galing yata sa buylit n’yo. Hihihi

Gaga! Boylet!!! Sige, susunod na ako. O, I have to go na. Will take photos pa of the flowers para ma-post ko sa Instagram. Alam mo na! Love! Love! Love! Aha-ha-ha!”
—————————————————————————
“Thirst for attention is a cry of loneliness.”
~Toba Beta

Sound Bites
“Mga kababayan, mga kapwa ko Pilipino, sama-sama tayong lalaban sa kahirapan. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa pagdurusa na hinaharap natin araw-araw. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa takot na dulot ng kriminalidad. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa walang tigil na pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa problema ng ating mga kabataan Walang atrasan. Lalaban tayo para gumanda at guminhawa ang buhay ng bawat Pilipino.”
~Vice President Jejomar Binay, 9.18.2014

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dane Alegana/Kris, ABS-CBN News, GMA News, @InaAndolong-News9, Kris Aquino IG, Girlie Rodis-@ShowbizManila]





KICKBACKS, ROGUE COPS AND OTHER STORIES

13 09 2014

1BC
AT LEAST 10 police officers were allegedly behind the EDSA-Mandaluyong robbery-abduction case last week. They have all been identified. Once arrested, they will be presented to the media, and then locked in a room with a drunk Billy Crawford.

Two of the cops who were involved in the EDSA robbery-abduction case were “repeat offenders.” The National Police Commission said SPO1 Ramil Hachero and PO2 Jonathan Rodriguez were slapped with the same charges in 2011. Apparently, they never learned. Hachero and Rodriguez are the Jinggoy Estrada of the police force.

1NMKickbacks
Former Makati vice mayor Nestor Mercado revealed that then city mayor Jejomar Binay received millions of pesos in kickbacks from several infrastructure projects. Which begs the question: how many bidders experienced being trapped in a Makati City elevator?

The Vice President is getting negative publicity of late. His spokesperson, Jonvic Remulla a.k.a. Mr. Cavite governor is blaming Binay’s enemies: Nestor Mercado, Alan Peter Cayetano, and the truth.

According to Nestor Mercado, former Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got  a “13 percent kickback” per project. Or in the words of Janet Lim-Napoles, “Cheap!”

Vice President Binay has a scheduled address next week. Jonvic Remulla says his boss will answer the allegations “punto por punto.” But he denies rumors the Vice President will end his speech with a music video.

EXCLUSIVE! Here’s the draft of Vice President Binay’s speech.
1BA

FIBA 2019
Bidding will start soon for the 2019 FIBA World Cup. Some countries have earlier expressed interest to make a bid. But they decided to back out this week after learning that they’ll be up against Hilmarc’s Construction Corp.

Warning
Citing security threats, the Chinese government advised its citizens “not to travel to the Philippines.” To which, Chinese nationals said, “Tanga! We’re already here.”

In a travel warning released the other day, China said, “the safety situation in the Philippines is deteriorating.” Of course, it would have been much safer here without those Chinese drug lords, Chinese traffickers, and defective Chinese products.

1GMA
16-Digit Plate
A consumer welfare group and netizens blasted the Land Transportation Office for allowing hundreds of new taxi units [with pending franchise applications] to ply the streets of the metro using 16-digit plate numbers. When sought for reaction, the LTO gave 16 excuses.

The LTO allowed hundreds of new taxi units in Metro Manila to use 16-digit plate numbers. Or as abusive cab drivers would call it, “Awesome!”

Taxi units with 16-digit plates are now roaming the streets of Metro Manila. Thanks to the brilliant minds of LTO. When asked why sixteen numbers were used, the LTO replied, “26 letters are a bit long.”

1BNo Cerebellum
Doctors in China were startled when they discovered that a 24-year-old woman had been living without a portion of her brain. In the Philippines, we call that “LTO.”
———————————————————————–
“Politicians: Pinocchios with nose jobs.”
~Bauvard, The Darkness of Nature

Sound Bites
“’Wag naman nating lahatin na kasama sa criminal gangs at criminal activities. Ninety nine percent, the overwhelming majority of the police forces, ay ginagawa ang trabaho nila sa mabuting paraan.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

“Sabi niya ‘Ma’am, natanggap ko na ‘yong cake, ang sarap ng cake.’ Parang hindi ko tuloy alam, idi-deny ko ba eh parang tuwang-tuwa s’ya sa cake. Pag deniny ko, baka hindi na matuwa sa akin dahil hindi pala ako ang nag-bake no’n.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, GMA News, Reuters]





“SAY SOMETHING I’VE GIVEN UP ON YOU”

5 09 2014

1HACKED
THE SANDIGANBAYAN granted Gigi Reyes’s petition to undergo a brain scan at the PGH. The controversial lawyer, who is facing plunder charges reportedly banged her head against the wall last August 5. Aww, that’s unfortunate. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wall.

Reports say Gigi Reyes wants to have her own laptop computer, a portable printer and a pocket Wi-fi in jail. She should really have her head checked.

Jailed for plunder charges, lawyer Gigi Reyes wants to have her own laptop computer, a portable printer and a pocket Wi-Fi in jail. Can we bang her head against the wall one more time?

Twogether
Suspended senator Juan Ponce Enrile and his ex-chief of staff Gigi Reyes had a reunion of sorts at the Sandiganbayan Friday morning. When he was arraigned, Senator Enrile entered a plea of not guilty and said, “I have not committed any crime.” When she was arraigned, Gigi Reyes did not enter any plea and said, “Gago ‘to ah. Fault kong lahat?!?”

Ano kaya ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang tao sa larawan?

1EEChoice 1
G: Ba’t ‘di ka nag-text kagabi? Naghintay ako hanggang alas-dose ah!
E: Na-check-operator services ako eh.
G: Ang luma ng excuse huh! Naka-3210 ka pa rin?!?

Choice 2
G: Parang iba na yata ang gamit mong perfume. Sinong nagbigay n’yan?!? Si Mildred? Si Redge? Si Darling? SINOOOO!?!
E: Tanga! Asawa ko. Dumalaw last week.
G: Fine.

Choice 3
G: Sssh. ‘Wag kang magpapahalata. Bukas ang zipper mo. Ano ka ba!?
E: Sabi kasi ng clerk of court, “All rise.” Ayan, nag-rise!
G: Ulol!

Choice 4
G: Kawawa naman ang mga Binay. Nagkakabukingan na sa Makati.
E: Anong kawawa do’n? Eh tayo nga, nakakulong eh.
G: ‘k.

Choice 5
G: In case makalaya tayo ngayon, IN CASE lang naman, anong gusto mong panooring movie?
E: If I Stay.
G: “Say something I’ve given up on you.” Joke lang. Of course, I have not. Never.

Choice 6
E: Sa tingin mo, malalampasan natin ito?
G: Ako, oo… ewan ko lang ikaw.
E: Tarantado! “Say something I’ve given up on you.”

1JBRigged?
According to a former Makati City procurement official, the bidding contracts for the controversial P2.3-billion Makati parking building and other projects were rigged. Mario Hechanova says, in Makati City, this has always been “the practice.” No wonder they seem to be good at it. They keep ‘practicing.’

Vice President Binay’s camp said his accusers, including his compadre and former vice mayor Nestor Mercado, who appeared before the Senate recently, were “a triumvirate of corruption.” Hello Kettle. I’m pot. You’re so black.

According to Vice President Binay, the Senate hearing on the allegedly overpriced Makati City parking building has become a “kangaroo court.” And with how government contracts are allegedly rigged to favor a preferred contractor, we’re hopless.

Vice President Binay insists corruption allegations against him and his family are politically-motivated because he continues to top presidential surveys. Detractors should also be wary of the fact that mudslinging the Binays is a waste of mud.

Probe
Senator Lito Lapid wants the Senate to conduct a probe into the problems of PNR trains. DOTC officials were shocked to learn about the reported derailment of some trains, and even more shocked to learn that Lito Lapid was still a senator.

Bomber?
Authorities arrested lawyer Ely ‘Spike Man’ Pamatong for a year-old case of inciting to sedition. Pamatong has also been tagged recently as the “brains” behind the alleged plot to sow chaos at the NAIA… totally surprising critics who doubted he had a brain.

1HACKEDUPset. Almost.
The UP Fighting Maroons almost scored an upset win against the Ateneo Blue Eagles last Wednesday. With only 0.8 second remaining and Ateneo ahead by just a point, 70-69, Maroon guard Mikee Reyes missed two free throws that could have sealed the victory for the State U. For not beating Ateneo, Reyes has apologized to his teammates, to the people of UP, and to the La Sallian community.
——————————————————
“Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.”
~ Lysander Spooner

Sound Bites
“Siguro that’s their opinion, ‘di ba? ‘Di ba, parang beauty din ‘yan eh. It’s in the eyes of the beholder. Siguro ganoon din yun sa building, ‘di ba? Para sa kanila, hindi ganoon kagandahan pero sa amin maganda na yan.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay

Poll Results
1Eo

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Philippine Star, Philippine Daily Inquirer, PBA-Online.Net]





EXCLUSIVE: CONVERSATION WITH A CAKE

28 08 2014

IT’S BEEN in the news for two weeks now. Detractors accuse the Binays of profiting not just from an alleged overpriced car park building but from thousands of cakes being given to the city’s geriatric citizens who are celebrating their birthdays and golden wedding anniversaries. Reports say the city hall spends almost P20 million pesos on cakes alone.

In the interest of fair reporting, we tried our best to get the side of Makati City Hall. Luckily, one cake agreed to be interviewed on condition that the celebrator won’t be identified. Here’s the transcript of our conversation.

1ck
Good morning Ms. Cake!

Ms Cake?!? May gender na pala ang food ngayon? Hindi ako na-inform.

Ok, Cake na lang. Sorry naman. Kumusta ka na?

Heto, sweet pa rin.

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Diretsahan na. Since taga-Makati City ka, totoo bang si Nancy Binay ang nagbi-bake ng cake na ipinamimigay sa mga matatanda ng lungsod?

That’s preposterous!

Wow, anong ibig sabihin no’n?

Sige, iba na lang. That’s unfair! Paninira lang po ‘yan kay Ma’am Nancy. Ang totoo po n’yan, sinubukan niya talagang mag-OJT sa gawaan ng cake ng Makati. Kaya lang, hindi talaga niya forte ang pagluluto. Laging sunog ang finished product.

Wait lang. Konting ingat sa paggamit ng mga salita. Baka maakusahan ka ng pangungutya sa panlabas na anyo. So, wala ring katotohanan ang tsismis na siya ang in-charge sa pamamahagi ng cakes?

Not that I know of. Kung totoo man, wala akong ebidensya. Ang alam ko lang, malakas daw siyang kumain ng cake.

Talaga? Anong flavor ang paborito niya?

Black Forest.

‘Yan ka na naman! Tigilan mo na sabi ‘yang patama sa kulay niya. Eh si Mayor Junjun, mahilig ba sa cake?

Nope. Iba ang trip no’n. Brownies.

Nabanggit ba ng mga Binay kung bakit kayo ang ipinamimigay sa mga senior citizens? Pwede namang basket of fresh fruits ‘di ba?

Para ka namang tanga. Birthday no’ng matanda, tapos prutas ang ibibigay mo? Cake dapat! Ang prutas, pwede nilang bilhin sa tabi ng kalye; nagkalat lang. Pero ang cake, mahal. Alin sa tingin mo ang mas maa-appreciate ng mga residente ng Makati? Siyempre cake! ‘Tsaka kung prutas ang ibibigay mo, hindi ka pa sure kung maasim o matamis ito. Eh kung cake ‘yan, iba ang dating. Sweet si Mayor. Plus 50 Pogi points!

Pero ‘di ba unhealthy ang cakes sa mga matatanda?

I know. But at their age, why worry?

Ang mean mo naman.

On the contrary, marami akong napapaligayang matatanda. Kung may reklamo ka sa pagiging unhealthy namin, sabihin mo kay Mayor. ‘Wag mo akong pinupulitika.

Wow! Mr. Vice President ikaw ba ‘yan? Anyway, usung-uso ang Ice Bucket Challenge ngayon. Si VP, ni-reject na ang challenge. Sa tingin mo ba, papayag sina Junjun at Nancy?

I don’t think so. Ang dinig ko mas gusto nilang gawin ang Icing Bucket Challenge.

Icing? Ang gastos naman no’n.

Ok lang! World class icing naman ang gagamitin. ‘Tsaka hindi lang naman isang buhos ang gagawin. May Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3 hanggang Phase 5.

Sosyal! So, magkano raw ang idu-donate nila?

P2.7 billion.

Yamaaan! Iba talaga kapag Makati. Sana matuloy! Sanga pala, may ipapakita akong ilang pictures ng mga taong nag-Ice Bucket Challenge. Ano kayang masasabi mo? Unahin na natin ang matinding kalaban ng mga Binay – si Sec. Mar Roxas.

1MR
Hmmm… wala naman akong masabi sa pagiging consistent niya. Pati gamit na timba, blue!

Heto naman ang kaibigan ni Secretary Mar na si Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima.

1CP
La Salle?! ‘k.

Oo nga pala. UP graduate ang mga Binay. Lastly, anong masasabi mo kay Secretary Leila De Lima?

1ldl
Unfair talaga ‘yang si De Lima. Dala-dalawa ang timba n’ya! Makatarungan ba ‘yan? At ang lakas ng loob niya huh! Other officials pail in comparison.

Bago tayo magtapos, kailangang maglaro muna tayo. Noong makausap ko ang payong ng iyong mayor last year, naglaro siya ng ganito kaya’t obligado ka ring gawin ito ngayon. Mga readers lang natin ang makakaalam ng ating mystery word. Ikaw ang huhula. Your timer starts now. [MYSTERY WORD: “Junjun”]

Bagay?

Hindi.

Lugar?

Hindi!

Animal?

Pwede.

Tao?

Oo!

Hayop na… tao pa?!? Ano ‘yon, Hello Kitty?!

Hindi!

Tao?

Oo nga!

Malaki?

Sakto lang.

Makati City Hall Car Park??

Sabi ko tao; hindi gusali!

Maliit?

Parang.

Maputi?

Ha-ha Hindi!

Maitim?

Pwede.

Brownish?

Oo!

‘Di kalakihan tapos brownish?

Oo.

Choco roll?

TAO NGA EH!!!! Ang kulit.

Kilala ko?

Oo!

Close sa akin?

Of course!

Panadero?

Hindi!

Pulitiko?

Oo!

Brownish na pulitiko??

Oo!

Joey Salceda!

Hindi!

Lalaki ba?

Oo.

Ay, sorry. Lalaki nga pala. Maliit?

Paulit-ulit????? Oo!

Pulitikong maliit?? Alam ko na! Herbert Bautista!!!!

Hindi! Sayang, time’s up na. Hindi mo nahulaan. Anyway, ano na lang ang message mo sa mga Binay?

Kay Mayor Junjun… maraming salamat po sa pagbibigay n’yo sa amin ng chance na magpasaya ng matatanda sa Makati. Huwag po kayong susuko. Alam naming pinupulitika lamang kayo. Inggit lang ‘yang mga taga-Taguig dahil wala silang milyones na budget para sa cake.

Kay Vice President Binay naman… Kapag nanalo ba kayong presidente sa 2016, bibigyan n’yo rin ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po no’n. Tiba-tiba! Jooooke!

And lastly, kay Ma’am Nancy, miss ka na po namin. Mula kasi nang manalo kayong senador, bihira na kayong dumaan sa bakery. Good luck po sa inyong bagong trabaho d’yan sa Senado. Just dough it!

Ikaw lang ang Cake na madaldal. Ang haba naman ng messages mo. Ano ito, awards night?

Mas mahaba pa rin ang interview na ‘to! ‘Di pa ba tayo tapos?

Ang bilis mo namang mapagod!

Eh kasi nga mataas ang sugar ko.

Sweet!
———————————————————————————————–
“I’d choose truth over cake but I’d try to find a way to get both to be honest.”
~Craig Benzine

Sound Bites
“Sanay akong humarap sa mga kaso na pawang isinampa ng mga tinalo namin sa halalan. At nais kong ulitin na hanggang ngayon, wala akong kaso sa Sandiganbayan.”
~Vice President Binay

Have a fun and safe weekend!

[Photos: UnsealingTheManilaEnvelopeBlog, ANC ]

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





OF JOBS, JOKES AND SHRIMPS

19 08 2014

1jr
NEARLY 26 PERCENT of Filipino adults were without jobs in June according to a survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations. Those Filipinos have done nothing and haven’t accomplished anything in recent months. In fact, they have a nickname for themselves: congressmen.

Almost 26 percent of Filipino adults are without jobs at present and are looking for work. To be fair, these Filipinos wanted to actually work and are eager to accomplish things. Unlike those people in charge of the MRT.

I have a couple more jokes about unemployed Filipinos. But I was afraid they wouldn’t work.

1PAFocus
In an event Monday, President Aquino took a swipe at those who were already campaigning ahead of the 2016 elections. The President said Filipinos should focus their attention instead on some of the nation’s biggest problems. When the audience heard this, they stared at the President.

Dare
In a press statement, Isabela Representative Rodito Albano dared President Aquino to take the MRT to “experience the suffering” of his bosses. Albano drafted the statement while aboard his multimillion-peso luxury vehicle.

Malacañang rejected Albano’s challenge for President Aquino to ride the congested MRT… not because of security issues but because the MRT doesn’t allow smoking.

1LUCLucy
Have you seen the film Lucy? The action-packed Scarlett Johansson-starrer has received mixed reviews from critics. Personally though, I find the silliness entertaining. It also perpetuates the age-old myth that humans use only 10 percent of their brain. Yeah, it’s only a myth unless of course we’re talking about government officials, then it’s probably true.

The Pope
Talking to reporters aboard the papal plane to the Vatican from South Korea, Pope Francis said he’d probably be gone in two or three years. Mar Roxas and the Liberal Party are pushing for a term extension.

Saying he has done his part, Pope Francis (Jorge Bergoglio) believes he’ll probably be gone in two or three years. His youngest sister Krissy Bergoglio became emotional and was caught on cam crying.

1RMShrimps
While hosting an event in Davao City, comedian Ramon Bautista joked that there were many “babaeng hipon” in the city. The bad news: the feisty Dutertes were offended by the joke. The good news: Ramon made it out of Davao alive.

While hosting an event in Davao City, comedian Ramon Bautista joked that there were many ‘babaeng hipon” in the city. The joke offended Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who was present in the event. Duterte reprimanded the comedian. Ramon was compelled to apologize for insulting describing those women.

Pinoy Pride
Filipino filmmaker Lav Diaz’s five-hour movie, “Mula sa Kung Ano ang Noon” bagged the top prize at the prestigious Locarno Film Festival in Switzerland. While the festival ended last weekend, the jurors are still watching the film until this morning.

1ass
FHM Sex Survey
According to the FHM 2014 National Sex I.Q. Survey in the Philippines, 33 percent of respondents have been criticized by a woman in bed. When sought to elaborate, one respondent declined and said, “Filipinos should focus their attention instead on some of  the nation’s biggest problems.”

The same FHM survey revealed some 65 percent of Filipinos would seriously consider making their own sex tape in the future. The remaining 35 percent can’t wait to download it.
—————————————————————————————————————–
“What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.”
~Angela Davis

City Ordinance of the Year
Congratulations Mandaluyong City for this “super brilliant” idea! You deserve an award. Kayo lang ang nakaisip n’yan! Bravo! [Paid item]
1MC

Sound Bites
“Kapag nagbabasa tayo ng diyaryo araw-araw, tila marami nang nangangampanya. Parang nakalimutan nilang may problema tayo ngayon. Kaya naman ang problema sa 2016 na eleksyon, sa 2016 na iyon. Ngayon, tugunan muna natin ang problemang bumabalot po sa ating sambayanan.”
~President Aquino, August 18, 2014

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: BlogsFT.Com, Gov.Ph, Ramon Bautista, FHM Philippines, Wil Cervantes]





#MakeUpTransformation (Pinoy Politics)

16 08 2014

CRITICS OF THE administration say Noynoy Aquino has failed as president. To which, allies of the President said, “Then, allow him to repeat.”


Liberal Party members who are pushing for the lifting of the president’s single, six-year term limit say President Aquino is still their best candidate for 2016 and Mar Roxas is only their second best. The LP just conceded 2016 to Binay.

In a TV interview, President Aquino reportedly said he’s open to lifting the president’s term limit, amending the Constitution and clipping the powers of the Supreme Court. Every time Noynoy says something about the Constitution these days, Ninoy slaps an angel in heaven.

Other people are saying President Aquino’s recent pronouncements lean toward dictatorship… prompting an angry Ferdinand Marcos to tell his son Bongbong, “C’mon! ‘Di ka ba nai-insecure?”

NETIZENS are having a blast creating and posting #MakeUpTransformation photos. On Friday night, I tweeted two “transformation” pics. I am reposting them here – plus more! Here are my contributions to the latest online craze.

The worst transformation
122

Because the lady is now a…
#1mu

Perhaps the most beautiful transformation of ‘em all
1LL

Dynasty
1BIN

So Sexy
1Sexy

From hero to preso
1BR

An accident waiting to happen
1V

#Sinotto
1Sinotto

The One?
1bsbb

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
1BSMR

Overseas…
Pope Francis is in South Korea for a five-day visit. On Saturday, he beatified 124 Korean martyrs and blessed their seouls.
——————————————————–
“Power changes everything till it is difficult to say who are the heroes and who the villains.”
~Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

Sound Bites
“We need systemic change. That’s more than the capability of one person even if he’s a Superman. And Aquino is not a Superman.”
~Constitutional Commission member Christian Monsod reacting to reports President Aquino is open to a second term

Have a safe week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News, Philippine Star, Interaksyon]





DERAILED

14 08 2014

1JP
DID YOU hear the news about the Aquino administration’s net satisfaction rating and retired Major General Jovito Palparan? Both have fallen.

Public satisfaction with the administration hits a new all-time low: from +45 in March to +29 in June. A worried President Aquino called Budget Sec. Butch Abad and asked if he could consider resigning again.

Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

The military operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When he was finally nabbed in Manila, arresting officers told him, “‘Auf Wiedersehen!’

1Derailed
An MRT train overshot the railway and slammed right into the metal barrier. Reports say at least 36 passengers got injured. President Aquino told CNN it’s fewer than that.

Here’s what happened: Train 1 couldn’t advance to its destination. It was defective. Train 2 stepped in and tried to help push Train 1. The journey started smoothly. However, something wrong happened along the way resulting in Train 1’s crash. Just to be clear, this is a description of the MRT accident last Wednesday not the Noy-Mar tandem in 2010.

For months, analysts have been saying that the MRT has serious problems and that certain officials are at fault. Now that an accident has happened, expect them to cover their tracks.

1
After the near-disaster at the MRT that injured dozens of people, the official Twitter account of DOTC tweeted about a “technical problem” and apologized for the “inconvenience.” The tweet was even more disastrous.

A wayward MRT train overshot the railway and crashed into the metal barrier. What a loco-motive!

The driver of the derailed MRT train is now being investigated. Apparently, he’s still in shock. While being interviewed, he lost his train of thought.

Binay and MVP
Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

Dream On
On Wednesday, suspected plunderer Jinggoy Estrada reiterated he wanted to become the running mate of Vice President Binay in 2016. Binay almost replied, “What part of ‘No!’ don’t you understand?”

1NBINAY
Binay vs. Trillanes
Sen. Antonio Trillanes wants Vice President Binay to face a Senate inquiry on the alleged overpriced car park building in Makati City. An upset Sen. Nancy Binay said, “Hindi n’ya ho ka-level si Senator Trillanes. My father will not stoop down to his level.” When sought for reaction, Trillanes refused to stoop down to Nancy’s level.

Fat
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

According to the same study, there are more fat Filipino women than men – which is understandable since they spend more time in the kitchen. #sexistjoke #sorry

Cheaters
A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
———————————————————
“Every disaster gives a warning before it comes; little or big, there is always a warning!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
1Kristek
~Kris Aquino on ex-boyfriend Herbert Bautista

Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, Zhander Cayabyab/DZMM, DOTC, Aquino and Abunda Tonight]








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 114,041 other followers

%d bloggers like this: