OF YAO MING, BINAY AND SEX APPEAL

8 05 2013

FORMER NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

2
Vice President Binay told Yao Ming, “Politics is also a popular sport here in the Philippines.” In fact, if politics were basketball, the Binay family could form a team.

Yao Ming presented Vice President Binay with a Sharks jersey and an autographed basketball. The jersey was a bit wrinkled so he asked Nancy to have it ironed.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Kris vs. Priest
According to Father Melvin Castro of the CBCP, for the sake of delicadeza, Kris Aquino should stay away from politics. The TV host replied, “You first.”

Crack
Despite the reported infighting in the administration coalition, deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte insists there’s no rift in Team PNoy. In other news, there’s no traffic on Edsa.

1ANGSex Appeal
Aside from the fact that Sonny Angara is “young and idealistic,” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she’s voting for the Team PNoy candidate because he’s “full of sex appeal.” Related fact: Senator Santiago didn’t vote for President Aquino in 2010.

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is voting for a candidate with these qualities: young, idealistic, full of sex appeal. Manong Ernie Maceda was like, “Tse!”

The Fugitive
He’s all over the news granting interviews to major networks. Do you know where Cezar Mancao is right now? The NBI neither.

The National Bureau of Investigation admits it is having a hard time tracking down fugitive ex-police officer Cezar Mancao. Ping Lacson taught him well.

1ANGPhreatic Explosion
On Tuesday, Mayon Volcano spewed rocks, smoke, and ashes killing at least five mountain climbers. President Aquino advised residents and tourists to stay away from the restive mountain. He also advised Albay Governor Joey Salceda to stay away from UNA candidates.

At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Rated XPG
A day after issuing a denial, former Caloocan City councilor Marjorie Barretto admitted that she was the nude woman in scandalous photos that came out in tabloids and the Internet. There were four pics. One word: embarrassing.
——————————————-
“In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“Hoy sobra ka naman! Blacker, blacker. At this point, hindi na brown eh. Black na, kaya blacker.”
~Nancy Binay’s reply when the press jokingly told her she’s the brown version of TV host Kris Aquino

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos:PEP/PDI/Interaksyon/AP]





HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!

7 02 2013

JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, the Aquino family organized a surprise birthday party for President Noy at the Aquino residence on Times Street, Quezon City. The event was hosted by the president’s youngest sister, Krissy.

A video of the event was anonymously sent to the Professional Heckler. Here’s the full transcript.

(Noy enters the house; turns the lights on)

1nALL: SURPRISE!!!

Hi Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? We’re all here again! Aha-ha-ha!

(Coughs) Grabe naman kayong manggulat! (Coughs) Kung inatake ako rito, (Coughs) kayo ang sisisihin ko. Ano bang meron? (Coughs)

Hellooooo! It’s your 53rd birthday, remember!? Hay nakuuu, tumatanda ka na talaga. But in fairness, ‘di halata. Para ka lang 52! Aha-ha-ha

Ballsy: Guys, kids, all together now: “Haaaaaappy birthdaaaay to youuuuu!!!”

Thank you, (Coughs) thank you. Pwede bang magpahinga muna ako?

Noooo! ‘Di pwede ‘no! May surprise pa kami sa ‘yo. Kasi before ka dumating, pinakialaman na naman ni Ate Pinky ang answering machine mo.

PINKY: Krissy!! Anong pinakialaman?! I did not do anything…

BALLSY: Sige na nga, ako na. Ako na ang nakialam.

‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnnnner! Bongga ka talaga Ate.

(Coughs) O ‘asan na ang surprise? (Coughs) Antok na talaga ako.

Ay, agad-agad? Helllllo! Appreciate naman our effort. Puro ka kasi trabaho. Sa Christmas trabaho, sa Holy Week trabaho, pati ba naman sa birthday mo, trabaho pa rin?!

Of course! ‘Kita mo naman ang economy Krissy… 6.6 percent growth! We surpassed our target for 2012!

‘Yun na! How can I argue with success nga naman? Note to self: ‘Krissy, shut up ka na lang, ok? Maganda ang takbo ng economy!’ Kaya Noy, ikaw na!

No Krissy… ikaw na! Hi-hi

Ayyyy, Bumu-Boy Abunda! Luvvvvvvet! Aha-ha-ha Wait! Everyone… may I have your attention please? Pakikinggan na natin ang messages sa answering machine ni Kuya Noy. First message… Ate Pinky, press mo naaaa!

Tooooot!
“Mr President, sa UNA headquarters ‘to. Curious lang kami sa TV ad ng LP. Sabi mo do’n, ‘Sa daang matuwid, maraming gustong sumali. Pero meron ding nagpapanggap lamang.’ Mr. President, kami ba ang pinapatamaan mo?”

Ayyyyy, defensive! Obvious naman Noy ‘di ba? May iba pa ba?

Kristina, ako ang tinanong ‘di ba? So ako ang dapat sumagot!

Sabi ko nga! Hay naku Krissy, quiet ka na lang kasi. Continue Noy…

Wala akong partikular na pinapatamaan sa TV commercial na ‘yon. Now, kung makaramdam kayo ng guilt, baka may ginawa kayong masama.

True!!! Guilty siguro!

Kristina!

Sorry! Ate Ballsy… next message please. Press mo na! Now na!

Tooooot!
“Hello?? Noy-bi?! Ooopssh, I am shorry. Anyway, I need not introduce myshelf kashi shure ako, alam mo na kung shino. Firsht, happy birthday sha ‘yo ‘no? Parang kailan lang, eshtudyante pa lang kita sha Ateneo. Not sho bright then but not sho bobo either. Look at you now… my lucky successhor. Lucky kashi mataas ang GDP when I sshtep down. I jusht wanna shay congratssh dahil medyo stable na ang economy natin. Ang challenge sha ‘yo ngayon: mapantayan mo ang 7.9 percent growth sa first half of 2010. Wish ko lang din, maging fair ka sha mga kalaban mo sha pulitika ‘no? It should be an anti-corruption drive, not anti-Arroyo family drive, ‘no? Happy birthday again at shana ay matagpuan mo na ang babae para sha ‘yo para gabi-gabi… plenty. Ang shaya, shaya ‘no? Bye!”

Noy, can I react?

Kristina, ‘wag mo nang patulan.

No Noy! Sorry… but I have to say something. Kasi po, for a long time, you have been critical of my brother. Tamad raw, bobo, walang alam, mahina, stupid. I’m not saying he’s not any of these but… wala ho kayong narinig na salita sa amin ever bilang paggalang na rin sa maysakit. Ngayon, nag-iba na ang hangin. Pakiramdam ko po bilang kapatid ng pangulo… vindicated s’ya, vindicated kami. Kaya next time, bago kayo bumatikos, sana mag-isip muna kayo. Sino ho bang nakakulong? Sino ho bang may kaso? Sino ho bang ‘di pinagtitiwalaan ng publiko? ‘Di ba kayo?

BALLSY: Krissy, ano ka ba!? Answering machine ‘yang kinakausap mo!

Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa telepono. Para akong tanga, nakakaloka! Jiggy, next message please! Press mo na!

1TTooooot!
“Hi Noy! This is your Tita Tingting. On behalf of your Tito Peping, i’d like to greet you a very happy birthday. We really miss you na. Sana makapag-dinner naman tayo sa bahay with China, Mikee, and Maimai. Malapit na ang Mayo. I hope maging one big happy Cojuangco clan tayo. Alam mo na!”

Noy, are you voting for her in May?

Kris… next message please!

‘Yun na! Ayoko nang dagdagan. Mahirap na. Aha-ha-ha. Josh… next message! Press mo na!

Tooooot!
“Bianca, umamin ka na! Bianca wouldn’t believe me but it’s true. With Pantene, wala kang worry about hairfall. Pero ang hirrwap naman kasing maniwala. Evewytime I bwrrush my hairrr, may haiwrfall…”

Stop! Who did this? Bimby, did you leave this message sa answering machine ng Tito Noy mo?

What’s answering machine mama?

Fine! Prank caller siguro. Sorry Noy. Wait… Bimbyyyyy, stop making papak that can of Nido! Jonty… next message please. Press mo na!

Tooooot!
“Pare, ba’t naman gano’n? May atraso ba ako sa ‘yo? Ginago ba ng pamilya namin ang pamilya n’yo? Bakit sabi mo sa speech mo kanina sa Cavite, ‘Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba o sa agimat o anting-anting.’ Wala namang bastusan p’re. Puro ka satsat eh. Kung gusto mo suntukan na lang tayo o kaya, paramihan ng chicks. Ano? ‘Di kesyo birthday mo, palalampasin ko ‘to! Laban ka? ”

Kris, gusto mong mag-react?

Hay naku Noy! Ewan ko sa ‘yo at sa speechwriters mo! Alam mo namang kumpare ko si Bong at kumare ko si Lani ‘di ba? Idinamay mo pa ang agimat nila! Para kang bata! Eh obvious namang mga Revilla ang pinaparinggan mo ’noh!? Nakakaloka ka!

Hindi mo ‘ko ipagtatanggol?

Ayaw kong madamay sa gulong ‘yan ‘noh. Nananahimik ako! In other words… care bears! Hello na lang sa pamilya Maliksi. Anyway, Bimby, next message please. Press mo na!


Tooooot!
“Ginoong Aquino, si Bishop Calinislinisan ito. Sa iyong kaarawan, nawa’y pagpalain ka ng Panginoon… ‘yan eh kung napatawad ka na Niya sa pagpirma mo sa RH Law. Kababuyan ang batas na ‘yan.”

Aray ko! Ako na ang sasagot Noy.

This time Kristina, sige. Go!

Keri ko ‘to. With all due respect Bishop Naglilinislinisan, I mean, Calinislinisan, ano pong kababuyan ang sinasabi n’yo? My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay pangulo, at maayos niyang ginagawa ang kanyang trabaho! Promise!

Sabihin mo, 6.6% ang GDP growth.

Wait, ba’t ‘di ikaw ang magsabi Noy? Afraid ka sa mga obispo no? Kasi eleksyon na. Baka iba ang UNAhin nilang ikampanya. Aha-ha-ha

Kristina!

Fine. Sige, next message na nga lang. Press ko na!

Tooooot!
“Awoooooo, bakit mo ako pinabayaan? Ang pangako mo noong nakaraang halalan, ako ay iyong susuportahan. Awoooooo! Pero bakit nangyari ‘to? Pinatay ako ng iyong mga kaalyado. Awooooooo! Nagdadalamhati… FOI Bill”

Kristina… can you answer that?

Huh? Bakit ako?! Hellllllllo! Ako ba ang nag-promise during the 2010 campaign? Kasi naman… kapag kampanya, ‘wag mag-promise nang ‘di naman tutuparin. Ayokong sagutin ‘yan. Sorry Noy…. kahit love love love kita… isyu mo ‘yang FOI Bill… hindi ko isyu ‘yan.

Sige, ignore na lang natin ang message na ‘yan.

You’re so baaaaad. Hate na kita. Anong ignore? I’ll give you 5 minutes to think of an answer. Listen ka muna sa sunod na message. Josh… press it!

1mnTooooot!
“Hi President Noy. Si Mitos Magsaysay ‘to. Gusto ko lang ipaalam sa ‘yo na kasama mo ako sa pagtahak sa tuwid na daan. Kung binabatikos man kita, constructive criticism lang ‘yon. Happy birthday and may you have many more birthdays to come.”

Eeeeew. Kadiri ka Noy! Bakit alam n’ya ang number mo dito sa bahay?

Aba, malay ko!

Would you like to reply? Kasama mo rin daw siya sa ‘tuwid na daan!’

Eeeeew.

Aha-ha-ha! You’re so mean! I luvvvvvettt! May two messages pa yatang naiwan. Noy… ikaw na ang magpress. Now na!

Tooooot!
“Hi Kuya Noy, happy birthday po! Kahit wala na kami ng kapatid mo, malaki pa rin ang pasasalamat ko sa ‘yo. Salamat sa pag-aalaga mo kay Baby James. Alam kong may mga…”

Waitttttt! Pause mo muna! Tama ba ang naririnig ko????!!! Boses ba ‘yan ng lalaking ‘yon?!!

Kristina, patapusin mo muna!

Tooooot!
“… marami kaming pinagdaanan ni Kris pero hindi nawawala ang respeto ko sa ‘yo. Kahit magka-crush pa sa ibang lalaki si Kris…”

Sandali! Bakit kailangang topic ako? Hellllloooo! He’s just leaving a birthday message right? Bakit nadamay na naman ako?

Krissssy, let him finish!

Tooooot!
“… hindi naman ako magseselos eh. Ang importante maayos niyang naaalagaan si Baby James.”

‘Buti alam mo! And pleaseeeee…. It’s Bimby not Baby something. Eeeew! Pwede ba Noy, magpalit ka na ng number dito sa bahay. Kung sinu-sinong kaluluwa ang tumatawag! Kaloka lang huh! Last message na!

Tooooot!
“Mr. Prisidint, si Pacman po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: “Ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa new show ko sa GMA, ‘Para Sa ‘Yo, Ang Laban Na ‘To.’”

Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!

Hayaan mo na siya Kris.

Sabi pa niya, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross!

Kristina!!!


Fine! Everyone, wala munang aalis kasi piktyur-piktyur muna with the birthday boy. Bimby, Josh, come. Dapat sa tabi kayo ni Tito Noy.

Sandali. Pwede bang kumain na lang muna kayo? Gusto ko munang magpahinga. Later na lang.

Ganoooo’n? Suplado much na?

6.6% GDP growth!

Fine! Ikaw na talaga Noy, ikaw na!

No, Krissy. Ikaw na!

Aha-ha-ha!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!
—————————————————————————————–
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

Sound Bites
“Paalala lamang po: Asahan na po ninyong may mga nagpapanggap, at may mga nakikisakay diumano sa ating krusada; may mga nakikisuot ng kulay dilaw, pero hindi tiyak kung anong kulay ang nasa loobin. Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba, o sa agimat o anting-anting [laughter].”
~President Aquino’s Speech, Imus Cavite/February 7, 2013

Have a fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Aquino's Official Facebook Page/ Tingting C: Philstar.Com]





FAMOUS LAST WORDS (VERSION 2009)

3 11 2009

deathbed_ BEFORE HE TOOK HIS last breath, Ludwig van Beethoven said, “Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.” Sir Winston Churchill, before falling into a coma murmured, “I’m bored with it all.” And facing his assassin Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier, Ernesto “Che” Guevara uttered, “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” Locally, how could showbiz people forget the suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!”

As a post-Halloween post, here’s an updated version of my 2007 and 2008 article titled…

Top 20 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Political Figures and Celebrities

No. 20: Boy Abunda: “Now na!”

No. 19: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko, nararamdaman ko, hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (Then, she dies.)

No. 18: DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno: “I’m fed up with life!”

No. 17: Annabelle Rama: “Dung, malakas ang kutob ku dung, nilason ako ni Wilma Galvanti dung!

No. 16: Kris Aquino: “Hay naku Boy, sabi mo sabay tayo? Nag-promise ka kay Mom, remember? Gosh, kainis ka!”

No. 15: Conrado De Quiros: “30.”

No. 14: Sen. Manny Villar: “60.”

No. 13: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko na… ramdam ko na!” (Gasps for air) ‘Tang-i*aaaa! Puwede bang mag-give way na lang ako?”

No. 12: Korina Sanchez: “Ikaw ang minimithi ng aking puso. Ikaw ang napili kong maging kasama at katabi sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko sa ‘yo na ako ay sa ‘yo. Noon, ngayon at bukas, ako’y iyung-iyo… Lord.”

No. 11: Manny Pacquiao: “You know, I am die and I am ready kaya gusto kong ‘pasalamat sa ating mga kababayan at sa Panginoon sa walang sawang pagsupurta sa akin.”

No. 10: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Mr. President and distinguished colleagues, before I die, allow me to unmask the real Joseph Ejercito Estrada.”

No. 9: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh.”

No. 8: President Arroyo: “God, wala na ba talagang extension?”

No. 7: Sen. Loren Legarda: “I have already made a decision. I am definitely dying with or without a mate by my deathbed.”

No. 6: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: [See ‘President Arroyo’]

No. 5: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Sa Makati, libre ang ospital. Sa Makati, libre ang burol. Sa Makati, libre ang libing. Wala akong gagastusin kapag namatay ako sa Makati. Sana, ganito rin sa inyo kapag kayo ang namatay.”

No. 4: Joseph Estrada: “Sinong maysabing hindi ako pwedeng mamatay? Let the people decide! Vox Ernie, Vox Dei. The voice of Manong Maceda is the voice of God.”

No. 3: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Hinihiling ko po sa inyo na kung maaari lamang sana ay bigyan n’yo ako ng ilang araw upang makapag-isip at kumunsulta sa Pink Sisters kung dapat na ba akong pumanaw o hindi pa.”

No. 2: Cong. Mikey Arroyo: “O, eto huh! Baka magtaka na naman ang mga investigative reporters at si Tita Winnie Monsod kapag tumaas ang aking net worth sa ipa-file kong Statement of Assets and Liabilities (SALN) next year. Ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo: hindi ill-gotten ‘yan. Galing ‘yan sa magiging abuloy at donasyon kapag namatay ako.”

And the No. 1 deathbed statement of a political figure or celebrity…

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Nais kong ipabatid sa inyong lahat na nagpasya na akong talikuran ang aking pagiging Romano Katoliko dahil naniniwala ako na sinumang nilikha na malapit nang makipagkita sa Panginoong Maykapal ay hindi dapat miyembro o kaanib ng anumang relihiyon, sekta, o kulto upang malaya siyang makapagpasya na siya lang – walang busal sa bibig at walang nagdidikta, alang-alang na rin sa ikakapanatag ng kanyang damdamin at ikaliligtas ng kanyang kaluluwa.”

___________
“With death comes honesty.”
~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

Personal
I just wanna share my Facebook status (November 3):
“Binigyan kayo ng isang buong taon upang magparehistro ngunit hindi n’yo ginawa. Sa tatlong daan at animnapu’t limang araw na inilaan sa pagpapatala, kinse minutos lamang ang gugugulin n’yo doon. Pero binalewala n’yo ang pagkakataon. Ngayon, may KAPAL PA KAYO NG MUKHA at TIBAY NG SIKMURA na magreklamo dahil inabutan kayo ng deadline? Kung gusto n’yo ng pagbabago, simulan n’yo sa inyong mga sarili. Puñeta!

Elsewhere
Philippine Star’s William Esposo on Erap and GMA [Note: Before you could even accuse me of being self-serving, sige, aamin na ko. Hahaha You’ll find out later why.] Thanks Mr. Chair Wrecker!

Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros on Chiz Escudero, Danding Cojuangco, and political parties

Unlike Esposo and De Quiros, Manila Standard Today’s editor in chief Jojo Robles is apparently not a fan of Noynoy Aquino

Note: A couple of readers have emailed me asking the rationale behind Sen. Manny Villar’s “last words.” I’d like to know if you didn’t get it as well. Why did Villar utter, “60?” Leave your guesses at the comments section.








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