WTF! [The Epal Quiz Year-Ender]

WE BEGIN OUR year-ender special with the best of the Epal Quizzes and the worst of the epaliticians. Today, we select the Top 20 that made readers ask, “WTF was that?!” or “What the hell were they thinking?!” They also generated the biggest laughs. Attention-seekers? Fame whores? You be the judge.

‘Yong kalye, mapagkumbaba. ‘Yong mayor kaya?

Enough said.

Humihinga pa, may lapida na.
May you rest in peace.

Chief-of-Staff kasama sa tarp?!? Ayos ka ah.
Kaepalan. Walang Hanggan.

Bakit? Sino bang nagsabing hindi?
May umaagaw sa pwesto mo?

Libreng scholarship, libreng training, libreng pagpapagamot,
at libreng Mercury Drug?!?
Namimigay na pala ngayon ng drug store sa Quezon City??

Aping-api naman ‘yong mag-ama.
Sana nilakihan pa nang konti ang pangalan nila para mabasa. Ang liit eh!

Saan po kayo mas talented: sa pagiging epal o sa pagiging literal?
Candy talaga ang logo?

Bago kayo umepal, alamin n’yo muna ang tamang spelling
ng boulevard! Kung maka-boulibard naman kayo!
Wrong spelling wrong!

Kasalang Bayan: Proyekto ni Congresswoman Ivy Arago
Mapapalampas ko na sana eh, kaya lang biglang
nag- “I’ll VY With You Forever”
Naknampoodle. Ang mushy mo! ‘Kainis!

Salamat sa impormasyon. Ngayon, alam na namin ang hitsura
ng mga lider ng Basag Kotse Gang.

Medal para sa honor student; may mukha ng mayor ng Antipolo City!
“Lord, nag-aral naman akong mabuti. Pero bakit ito pa ang ‘yong iginanti?”

Barangay Bahay Toro. Ipagpatuloy ang asenso.
Hindi aasenso ang Distrito Uno kung supot ang mga lalaki rito.

‘Join Us Now. Obtaining No to Geothermal Exploration.’
Because the colors of each acronym letters is to matched the
inicials of the mayor in the incumbent. Cleared?
And remember: Its not the errored grammar thats important.
Its the taught that counts moreover in Christmas, isn’t it?

Sabi sa freedom wall, pader, “A reform project” ng mag-ama.
Ang reply ng kalsada:
“Eh kung mga sarili kaya nila ang ireform muna?! Try n’yo lang.”

Starting Them Young: Unang Hakbang sa Kaepalan

Libreng sipsip ng kanal, estero, at pozo negro… hangad ni Mayor Nilo!
Hangad rin po naming ang sumipsip ay kayo!

Patay na, ginamit pa. Ang tigas n’yo!

Ayon sa tarp, si Iloilo City Mayor Jed Patrick Mabilog daw ay may PhD in management. At take note, UNO sa oral defense. Anong say mo?
A: ‘T@ng-in@! Anong pakialam namin!?!
B: Isa lang ang masasabi ko: swak kay mayor ang apelyido niya!
C: Wala kayo sa mayor namin! Ang mayor namin… Best in HEKASI noong Grade 6. Tse!

And finally… the one that made the list of The 8 Weirdest Real-Life Science Fiction Political Ads:

———————————————————-
“Wealth is like sea-water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; and the same is true of fame.”
~ Arthur Schopenhauer

Have a great weekend!

Thank you to Epal Watch and to everyone who sent images that were used here. Let’s continue this crusade. No to Epaliticians! Happy Holidays!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

A PACMAN EXCLUSIVE

THREE DAYS BEFORE he climbs the ring to fight Mexican Juan Manuel Marquez for the fourth time, Filipino boxing legend Manny Pacquiao agreed to be interviewed by our special correspondent in Las Vegas – Krissy. Here’s the transcript of their conversation.

Las Vegas, Nevada
December 6, 2012

Manny, hellllllo! Kumusta ka na? Long time no hear… kumpare! Alam n’yo mga Kapamilya, inaanak ko ang pangatlong son ni Manny.

Pangalawa, Krissy.

Ay, sorry! Naisama ko yata sa bilang ang anak mo sa una. Ay, ano ba ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha. Sorry again.

Pwiding bumati muna? Ang dami mo nang kwinto, wala pa akong gritings.

Aray ko! Oo nga naman. Hay naku Krissy, wala ka kasing preno. Napagalitan ka tuloy! Aha-ha-ha! So, Manny how are you?

Uki lang. Hito, ridi na sa fight ko sa Sabado.

Muntik na ‘kong ma-lost. Ang unang intindi ko sa ‘yo ‘hito’ as in catfish. ‘Heto’ pala. Aha-ha-ha. Anyway, bakit ‘yong fight walang masyadong buzz! Kabado ka ba?

Hindi naman. Basta trust ka lang kay Lord, malalagpasan mo lahat. ‘Tsaka, alam ko kasama ko ang Panginoon sa laban na ‘to kaya wala akong kaba.

Are you sure? Sinabi sa ‘yo ni Lord?!? What if sa side s’ya ni Marquez?

‘Di ka siguro nagbasa ng Bible Krissy. I mean sabi sa Romans 10:11, “Anyone who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.” Para malinaw, I am anyone who trusts in him so will never be put to shame.

I see. Wow, malinaw nga! Eh si Governor Chavit kasama mo rin?

Syimpri. Hindi naman nawala ang suporta n’ya. Sens berth. Hihihi

Pumayag si Lord?

Alam mo Krissy, sabi sa Luke 15:1-2, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” For me, personally, at sa palagay ko, uki naman sa Panginoon kahit nandun si Gov and eats with them. I mean, ‘wag sana tayong mag-judgment kasi sabi sa Matthew 7:1, ““Judge not, that you be not judged.”

In Filipino…

Sus, inuuto mo naman ako. Gits mo na ‘yun.

Aha-ha-ha. You had me at ‘inuuto.’ Anyway, what’s this I heard, namigay ka raw ng mamahaling relo sa lahat ng congressman?! Sosyal ka! Samantalang ako cookies lang for friends. Pero masarap sila. I swear, nagustuhan ng audience ko sa KrisTV when I brought some sa taping three months ago, tapos muntik pang iuwi nung isa ang empty Tupperware. Kaloka.

Pwiding sumagot muna ako sa tanong?

Ayyy! Sorry! Ano nga ‘yung tanong ko? Aha-ha-ha, Ah, ‘yong luxury watches na gift mo raw sa mga taga-Kongreso. Is it true?

Overacting naman ang balita. I mean, ‘di naman mahal ang Tiknumarin. Oft the ricords lang ha: 40,000 lang isa nun. ‘Tsaka sabi sa Deuteronomy 16:17, “ Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which he has given you.”

Na-memorize mo talaga ‘yon?

Uu. Piro ‘di ko gits. Hihihi Juk lang. Gits ko naman. Kunti. Hihihi

Ito pa! Sabi sa news, halos tatlumpung kongresista ang lumipad ng Las Vegas para manood ng laban mo. Ano ang masasabi mo?

Syimpri, pasalamat ako sa supurta nila at pasalamat ako sa tiwala nila. I mean, kahit alam kung di nila pira ang ginastos, pasalamat pa rin ako. At less, may efforts. Hihihi Sabi nga sa Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times.” You know.

Pero Manny, sabi sa 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins morals.”

Alam ku pero sabi naman sa John 8:7, ‘“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone.” Akala mu maiisahan mo ku ha hihihi

So, para sa ‘yo ok lang magliwaliw sa Las Vegas ang mga kongresista habang nasa state of calamity ang mga sinalanta ng bagyong Pablo?

Syimpri hindi. Piro priwil ‘yan eh. I mean ‘di ko naman sila pwiding pigilan. Eh bakit ang kapatid mo, ‘di sila pinigilan. Prisidinti s’ya ‘di ba?

At bakit naman nadamay ang kapatid ko? Helllllllllllo! Lest you forget, may separation of powers ang branches of government. Hindi nakikialam si Noy sa Kongreso, excuse me!

Lest you forget… RH Bill. Excuse me too!

In fairness, alam mo ang meaning ng “lest you forget?”

Hindi naman. I mean, ginaya lang kita. Baka sakaling tumama Hihihi

Oo nga pala, anti-RH Bill ka. I still remember my previous interview with you. Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang RH Bill, sabi raw ni Manila Auxiliary Bishop Broderick Pabillo, tila sinasalanta ng kalamidad ang bansa kapag tinatalakay ng Congress ang RH Bill. Parusa raw ito ng Diyos. What can you say?

Iwan ko sa kanya. Sabi n’ya lang siguro ‘yun. Kasi kausap ko naman si Lord gabi-gabi, wala siyang na-mintion tungkol kay Bishop.

Ikaw na talaga ang close kay Lord. Winnnnnner! So never n’yang nabanggit ang pangalan ni Bishop Pabillo?

Niver heard.

Niver talaga? Naku, bishop, if you’re reading this… careful ka sa statements mo huh. Don’t use God’s name in vain. Ibinuking ka tuloy ni Pareng Manny. Never heard ka raw ni Lord. As in niver. Aha-ha-ha!

Pwiding bumati?

Teka lang! We’re not done yet. Kumusta naman si Mareng Jinkee?

Uki lang. Tulog na. I mean, jit lag eh. Pero lalong gumaganda.

Asuuus! Nambola ka pa! Ano bang secret ni mare at blooming lagi?

Simpli lang. Onli Bilo touches my skin.

Ohh! Wait, did she go under the knife?

Ang kulit mo Krissy! Tulog na nga eh so under the blanket na. Haisst.

Naloloka ako sa ‘yo. Ibang topic na nga lang.

‘Musta na pala si paring James?

May ganung segue? At ginawa mo pa siyang pari aha-ha-ha. Sandali lang… baka nakakalimutan mo, ako ang nagi-interview dito, hindi ikaw! So dapat ako lang ang magtatanong. James and I are okay naman. I think may game siya sa Pasko so imposibleng makasama niya si Bimby. Besides, my two sons and I with their yayas will be leaving for Hong Kong so kami talaga ng mga anak ko ang together this Christmas. Sa New Year na lang siguro silang mag-ama.

Tika lang, sino bang ine-enterview dito? Ikaw o ako?

Hellllloooo! Nagtanong ka ‘di ba? Sumagot lang ako. Nakakainis ka! Promise! Pinapahiya mo ako.

Tao lang. Suri. Suri.

Aha-ha-ha. Aliw ka talaga! Pati anak ni Tom Cruise dinamay mo. Anway, alam kong busy ka, so bilang isang lalaking nagbalik-loob kay Lord, anong maipapayo mo kay James? Alam mo naman ang lolo mo pagdating sa babae ‘di ba? Kaya nga kami laging nag-aaway noon.

Ah, kay paring James: sana huwag mawala ang takot mo sa Diyos. I mean, dapat hindi ka lang takot kay Krissy. Kay God rin.

O, ba’t nasama na naman ako? Guys, gusto ko lang ikurek ‘yan. May misimpression kasing inaapi ko si James or takot sa akin si James. Hellllo! Hindi naman siguro kami tatagal ng five years kung controlling wife ako ‘no!

Five years lang? Hihihi

Kainis ka! What’s funny? Five years is five years ‘no! It’s no laughing matter!

Uki. Suri sa laughing matter. May tanong ka pa?

Fourth fight na ninyo ni Marquez on Sunday, sa tingin mo ba mana-knockout mo na siya finally?

Si Lord lang ang nakakaalam. I mean, sabi nga sa Hebrew 11:6, “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Bahala na si God. Ang importante I training hard, I sparring hard, I shadowboxing hard, I doing everything hard and I fight hard.

And you English hard. Aha-ha-ha In fairness, improving!

Lest you forget. Hihihi

Last na. Totoo bang lilipat ka na sa ABS-CBN? Why not ‘di ba? Para sa susunod na Christmas, kasama ka na sa bonggang Station ID. Eh sa kabila, wala kayong Christmas ID ‘di ba? Aminin!

Oo nga eh. No ID, no Entry. Hihihi… Juks lang. I mean, it’s not the station ID that’s important naman eh. I mean, sabi nga sa Luke 22:15, “And he said to them, ‘Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.’

Hindi mo naman sinagot ang tanong ko eh. Magiging Kapamilya ka na ba next year?

Dipindi sa plano ni Lord. I mean, siya lang ang nakakaalam. Salamat nga pala sa mga nanood ng Manny, Many, Prizes, mga Kapuso, tutok lang sa bago kong show. I mean, hindi ko pa alam piro dapat miron. I mean, magkikita pa rin tayo. Abangan lang.

Tama ba namang mag-promote ng show ng kabila? Sana magpasintabi muna sa akin since ako naman ang inassign na correspondent ‘di ba?

Sorry Krissy. I mean, na-excite lang ako kasi isang tulog na lang ang laban ko. Kaya sa mga kababayan ko, maraming salamat sa dasal at walang sawang pagsuporta. I mean, kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao. At sa Panginoon, salamat sa lakas at talentong bigay niya. Sana ay ipagdasal n’yo ako dahil ang laban na ito ay hindi para sa akin. I mean, ang tagumpay ko ay tagumpay ng buong bayan.

Kaloka! Tinapos mo talaga ang interview? Bahala ka na nga! Wait! Super last question: pansin ko lang, lagi mong ginagamit sa mga interview mo sa TV ang “I mean.” Bakit?

Pati ba naman ‘yun Krissy napansin mo pa? I mean, hindi ko rin alam. Si Lord lang ang nakakalam.

Si Lord talaga? Siya na naman?

Uu. Lest you forget. Hihihi Juks lang. I mean, you know.

-End of Interview-
———————————–
“Right now, my mind is focused on being more aggressive for this fight. If there is a chance in the ring during the fight for a knockout, why not make the fight easy if I have the opportunity?”
~Manny ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao

Have a safe weekend everyone! Go Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

LIFE AND DEATH

KATE MIDDLETON, Duchess of Cambridge is reportedly pregnant! And Tito Sotto was like, “Sabi ko sa inyo ‘di gumagana ang pills eh!”

Buckingham Palace has confirmed reports that Kate Middleton is pregnant! But Kate was quick to deny rumors that Jake Ejercito was the father.

Kate Middleton is having a baby! Albie Casiño’s mother wants a DNA test.

Popular Names
According to BabyCenter.Com, ‘Aiden’ and ‘Sophia’ are the most popular baby names for 2012. The least popular is ‘Tito.’

RIP: World’s Oldest
CNN reported that the world’s oldest person – a woman, just died. Besse Cooper was 116 years old – Or as Methuselah would say, “Infant!”

Besse Cooper, purportedly the world’s oldest person has died. She was 116 years old. If Cooper was Filipino, I wouldn’t be surprised if she still gets to vote in next year’s polls.

According to Sidney, one of Besse’s children, his mother always told them her best years were when she was “in her 80s.” To which Juan Ponce Enrile said, “I know, right!”

The world’s oldest person has died. The second oldest person can’t wait to assume the vacant title.

The oldest person in the world – Besse Cooper is dead. She was 116. Besse died of exhaustion after reading bed time stories to her 12 children, 45 grand children, and 22 great grand children.

Besse Cooper, the world’s oldest person died at 116. She experienced two world wars, witnessed man’s exploration of the moon, and saw the bombing of the World Trade Center. Unfortunately, she didn’t live long enough to read Pope Benedict XVI’s first tweet.

Late? It’s Fine!
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacy of a senatorial aspirant who failed to register before the deadline because of heavy traffic. The candidate, who represents Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s Bangon Pilipinas Movement was identified as Israel Virgines, middle name: Exception to the Rule.

The Comelec accepted the candidacy of senatorial aspirant Israel Virgines although he failed to meet the deadline for the filing of COC because of traffic. Thank you so much Comelec! I can’t wait to see him lose.

The Comelec accommodated Virgines just because he’s a member of an influential Church group according to some people. Those people are called “right!”

FEU Shooting
Three male students of Far Eastern University were shot by unidentified motorcycle-riding men Tuesday. Two of the victims have died. Reports say authorities are looking into a fraternity-war angle. How about ‘lack of security’ or ‘inutile police’ angle? Try n’yo.

Alfred’s Choice
Re-electionist Quezon City Councilor Alfred Vargas said, “”If ever lang naman na papiliin ako ng tadhana between showbiz and public service, I will choose public service.” To which ‘showbiz’ said, “’Buti naman!”
——————————————
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
~Mae West

Quotes Quiz
Who tweeted this:
“Bumili ako ng alamang sa palengke kanina at ginisa sa baboy, kamatis, bawang, at sibuyas. Bagoong! Kaunting nilagang talong, suka at sili at umuusok na kanin. Ayos na ang buto buto.”
A: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan
B: Cong. Dato Arroyo
C: DILG Sec. Mar Roxas
D: Cong. JV Ejercito

Enjoy the rest of the week. Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz:
A: Kiko Pangilinan

MESSAGE SENT

SENATE PRESIDENT Juan Ponce Enrile is unfazed by coup rumors, and insists his position against the RH Bill will never change. The passage of the controversial bill, Enrile believes, will affect the future – which is the least of his concerns since he won’t be there anyway.

As Congress votes on the RH Bill, Antipolo Bishop Gabriel Reyes calls on Catholics to start praying and fasting starting Monday. To which, most Catholics replied, “Sure, we’ll pray!”

SMS Turns 20
December 3 marks the 20th birthday of Short Messaging Service (SMS) or text messaging. It was one of the coolest inventions of the ‘90s – despite the extremely annoying txtspeak!

It’s the 20th birthday of the short messaging service. Vice President Binay is celebrating it with a text blast.

Unconfirmed reports say the first text message in the Philippines was sent by a Globe subscriber. The text message is still on its way.

According to online reports, the first text message sent was “Merry Christmas.” The first reply received was, “Hus dis?”

Short Messaging Service or text messaging has just turned 20. And former Pocketbell executives were like, “Whateverrr!”

It’s the 20th birthday of SMS. This technology has changed so many lives. For example: If not for that one text message from Brody, Abu Nazir would be dead already.

I heard that Catholic priests are not into text messaging. At 20, they find it “too old.”

And finally, text messaging is now 20 years old. Or as Vic Sotto would say, “Pwede na!”

Holy Twitter
Vatican City has revealed Pope Benedict XVI’s Twitter handle. It’s @pontifex. At press time, @pontifex follows only seven: his other seven accounts. Narcissist.

Vatican says the Pope’s first tweet will be posted on December 12. Did the Mayans miss it by 9 days?

Sketchy reports say the Pope has inspired Catholic priests into joining Twitter. And they got more excited when they learned that Twitter is 6 years old.

(See also: Top 10 Tweets You Wouldn’t See In Pope Benedict XVI’s Timeline)

Arraigned
Embattled former PCSO Chairman Manoling Morato was arraigned for plunder earlier today. He entered a plea of “imbyerna!”

Manoling Morato arrived at the Sandiganbayan on a wheelchair. Sought for comment, the wheelchair said, “Wala akong choice. Hinila lang ako.”

After his arraignment, Manoling Morato was transferred to St. Luke’s Correctional Facility.

Pacquiao-Marquez 4
The Pacquiao-Marquez IV fight is happening on Sunday, December 9. So far, bookmakers and betting agencies are unanimous on who’s going to win it big – Bob Arum.

It will be the fourth bout between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez. Of their two last fights, the least interesting… were both of them.

Everyone is looking forward to a Floyd Mayweather Jr – Manny Pacquiao fight next year. Or if not Floyd, Pacman should at least try Lindsay Lohan.

Arrested, Again
A drunk Lindsay Lohan was arrested for punching a psychic inside a bar last week. Apparently, the psychic didn’t see that coming.
——————————————–
“Email, instant messaging, and cell phones give us fabulous communication ability, but because we live and work in our own little worlds, that communication is totally disorganized.”
~ Marilyn vos Savant

Quote of the Day
“Rich or poor, Filipinos want the RH bill. We should do head-butting now.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

RH Bill Now!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

ETHNIC CLEANSING

“ETHNIC CLEANSING itong ginagawa nila kung bakit isinusulong ang [Reproductive Health] bill sa bansa. Gusto nilang ubusin tayo. Kaya ang mga Katoliko ay bumoto ayon sa utos ng Diyos. Kapag mayroong kandidatong hindi sumusunod sa utos ng Diyos, dapat tanggihan ‘yong mga ‘yon. At kailangang magkaroon ngayon ng Catholic vote.”
~Lipa City Archbishop Ramon Arguelles
Vice Chairman, CBCP-Episcopal Commission on Family and Life

SA NGALAN ng Mahal na Panginoon, mabuhay kayong mga tagasunod ng sangkaparian! Mapapalad tayong lahat dahil mahal na mahal Niya tayo. Ngunit may mga nagkukunwaring Katoliko sa ating lipunan. Sila ang nagbabantang sumira sa moralidad at kagandahang-asal na ating kinagisnan. Dapat silang ilantad!

Ayon sa survey ng Social Weather Stations, mas marami raw Pinoy ang sang-ayon sa RH Bill! Kasinungalingan!

Ito ang totoong survey! Ang survey na naglalayong alamin ang tunay na saloobin ng mga Pilipino: patas, walang pinapanigan at walang pinuprotektahan ang mga katanungan.

Piliin ang titik na kumakatawan sa sagot na idinidikta ng iyong puso at konsensya. May sampung minuto ka upang tapusin ang survey na ito. Good luck and God bless! Remember: God knows hudas not follow his teachings.

1: Ang tunay na Katoliko ay may paninindigan, lumalaban at may katigasan ang mukha kung kailangan. Sino sa mga sumusunod na pulitiko ang tunay na Katoliko?
A: ‘Yong asawa ni Helen Gamboa
B: ‘Yong bida sa pelikulang Aso’t Pusa (1989)
C: ‘Yong ama ni Ciara Sotto
D: Senador Tito Sotto

2: Dapat bang pigilan ang paglaki ng populasyon sa Pilipinas?
A: Hindi! The more the manyer.
B: Sabi sa Bible, “Go forth and multiply.” Mahirap bang unawain ‘yon?
C: Talunin muna natin ang populasyon ng China at India. Sayang ang recognition from the Guinness World Records.
D: Bakit? Eh ang sarap-sarap kayang makipagtalik. Fact na fact!

3: Tama bang gumamit ng condom ang isang lalaki?
A: Hindi! Walang thrill.
B: Negosyo lang ‘yan! Ibagsak ang mga kapitalista!
C: Kung loyal ka sa iyong girlfriend o misis, no need to use one.
D: Wala sa 10 Commandments ang paggamit ng condom. Ayaw kong magkasala kay Lord.

4: Kailan nagsisimula ang buhay?
A: Kapag nag-kiss ang mag-asawa o magkasintahan.
B: Kapag nag-text si lalaki: “Baby, miss u na.” ‘Tapos nag-reply si babae, “Miss u more. Mwah!”
C: Kapag nagkita ang itlog at ang sihay-punlay.
D: Letter C pero pwede na rin ang A at B.

5: Si Senator Juan Ponce Enrile ay tutol sa RH Bill. Pero siya ay isa rin sa mga arkitekto ng Martial Law. Anong masasabi mo?
A: Misunderstood lang siya. Mabuti siyang tao.
B: Kung ang Diyos nga nagpapatawad, tayo pa kaya?
C: Pwede nang palagpasin ‘yon. Move on na tayong lahat. Ang importante ay ‘yong ngayon.
D: Bilang ganti sa suporta niya sa RH Bill, iboto natin si Jack Enrile for senator! Two Enriles are better than one. Kapag si Jack Enrile ang nanalo… magkakaroon ng pagkain sa mesa ang bawat Pilipino! Yey.

6: Ano ang masturbation?
A: Abortion!
B: Malaking kasalanan.
C: Paglapastangan sa katawan.
D: Imoral na gawain ng mga mahahalay.

8: Kilala mo ba sina Senadora Pia Cayetano at Miriam Defensor-Santiago? Kilala mo rin ba sina Congressman Edcel Lagman at Congresswoman Kimi Cojuangco?
A: Hindi. Sino sila?
B: Mga suwail na alagad ng simbahan!
C: Mga kampon ng kadiliman!
D: “In Jeeeezaz name, I command you… umalis ka demonyo sa katawan ng apat na mambabatas na ito!”

8: Ano ang contraceptives?
A: Contra-ligaya. KJ. Nakakainis!
B: Lumilikha ng deformed na fetus o kaya batang may Down’s Syndrome or Siamese twins na magkadikit ang skull. Scary!
C: Pantanggal-libog. Nakakabahala!
D: Pampalaglag. ’Tapos duduguin ang babaeng buntis. ‘Tapos mawawalan siya ng malay. ‘Tapos isusugod siya sa ospital. ‘Tapos idideklara siyang ‘dead on arrival.’ Nakakatakot!

9: Suportado ni Pangulong Aquino ang Reproductive Health Bill. Dahil d’yan…
A: … kinakapitan siya ng kung anu-anong sakit. Parusa ng langit!
B: … hindi siya magka-girlfriend. Parusa ng langit!
C: … nauubusan siya ng buhok. Parusa ng langit!
D: … malakas lang ang appeal niya sa mga bold stars at sexy starlets. Parusa ng langit!

10: Ang sterilization (e.g. pagpapatali) ay dapat tutulan dahil:
A: Masakit ‘yon! Grabe ang sakit kapag ipinapasok ang instrumento ng doktor sa loob ng katawan.
B: Mahal ‘yon. Ang gagastusin mo sa sterilization, ibili mo na lang ng load.
C: Nakakabawas ‘yan ng pagkalalaki. Nakakabakla.
D: “The origin of a child is a woman and motherhood is a celebration of femininity. So let’s all be mothers for the sake of our future and our children. Because our children will be tomorrow’s hope who will spread love, peace and harmony to the whole wide world. I thank you.”

11: Ang sex education ba ay nararapat isama sa school curriculum?
A: Nope! Kadiri ‘yon.
B: Wala sa Bible ‘yan.
C: Parents na lang ang magpaliwanag sa mga bata.
D: Isang malaking HINDI! Baka turuan sila ng 69, 22 o kaya dog style. ‘Tapos malalaman ng mga bata ang mga bahagi ng katawan at ang gamit nito, ‘tapos magsi-sex sila sa CR – agad-agad!

12: Iboboto mo ba sa darating na eleksyon ang mga kandidatong sumusuporta sa Reproductive Health Bill?
A: Asa pa!
B: Hindi. ‘Pakamatay na lang sila.
C: No way! Pro-life forever and ever amen!
D: Ayaw ko! Magagalit si Father. ‘Tapos hindi niya ako isasama sa prayer. ‘Tapos kapag namatay ako, hindi ako mapupunta sa heaven. ‘Tapos do’n ako mapupunta sa hell. ‘Tapos mainit do’n. ‘Tapos walang wi-fi. Ayoko! Ayoko na sa RH Bill!

Maraming salamat sa inyong paglahok sa walang kinikilingang survey na ito. Ituturing naming confidential ang inyong mga sagot. Abangan ang resulta ng survey sa pastoral letter na ilalabas sa radyo, pahayagan, telebisyon at Internet.

Ituloy n’yo lang ang pagpapaabot ng donasyon at tulong sa Simbahan upang ipagpatuloy rin ni Lord ang pagsasabog ng biyaya.

Thank you and God bless!

Lovingly yours,
Archbishop Damaso Damaso
Archdiocese of Laquingkumita City
———————————–
“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”
~Dalai Lama

Quote of the Weak
“Safe sex to prevent HIV /AIDS is false propaganda.”
~Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines

Have a great week!

TAX THE CHURCH. I’m sure God won’t resist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Arguelles' photo: From http://sois.census.gov.ph%5D

CHRISTMAS TALES

POPE BENEDICT XVI has just released the third installment of his trilogy called “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives.” In the new book, the Pope disputed the date of Jesus Christ’s birth. It’s official! Christmas 2012 is canceled!

On second thought, this could just be a commercial ploy. Imagine having two Christmases in a year. Gastos!

In his new book, Pope Benedict XVI said the “actual date of Jesus’ birth was several years before.” Tito Sotto demanded to see the birth certificate.

The Pope also revealed that no animals were present at the birth of Jesus contrary to what has been popularly depicted in the Nativity scene. First, Santa Claus. And then, this! Our Catholic childhood was built on a lie!

Top 5 Predicted Revelations in Pope Benedict XVI’s Future Books

No. 5: The three wise men who traveled with gold, myrrh, and frankincense were held up on their way to the manger. The robbers took the gold.

No. 4: Joseph had a girlfriend before he was ordered by the angels via a dream to take Mary as his wife. His distraught and misinformed parents requested a DNA test.

No. 3: Jesus was born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father, studied in Indonesia until the 4th grade, and then returned to mainland United States when he was 11.

No. 2: Shocked shepherds fled when they saw the gravity-defying, floating choir of angels.

And the No. 1 predicted revelation in Pope Benedict XVI’s future books…

Mary found out that she’s pregnant NOT because angel Gabriel told her but because she missed her period.

In Other News…
The Commission on Elections announced that the Parish Pastoral Council for Responsible Voting or PPCRV will be its official citizens’ arm for the 2013 midterm elections. NAMFREL will issue a statement as soon as it finishes its 2010 quick count.

According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, several politicians running in the 2013 midterm elections receive campaign funds from illegal drug syndicates and gambling lords. Cruz’s revelation came as a total shock – to no one.

Associate Justice
Newly-appointed Supreme Court Associate Justice Marvic Leonen – who’s only 49 years old, would probably be in office for the next 21 years! Or as the Binays of Makati and the Villafuertes of Bicol would call it, “Normal lang.”

Emotional
According to a Gallup poll, Filipinos are the most emotional people in the world. ‘Di nga?! Wow. I’m overwhelmed. I wanna cry!

The same survey showed that Singapore was the most emotionless society. Sought for reaction, Singaporeans replied, “No comment.”

Women and Porn
A survey conducted in France revealed that 82 percent of the female respondents have watched a pornographic movie. The rest were too shy to admit the truth.
———————————————
“Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind. ”
~ Mary Ellen Chase

Tweet of the Day
“Wala na yan; forget the RHBILL. If ever baka 16th congress na lang. We can just repackage it.”
~RH Bill Advocate Cong. Kimi Cojuangco quoting House Majority Floor Leader Neptali Gonzales II

Elsewhere
Rappler: The 10 highest-paid government executives

Gallup: The World’s Most Emotional Societies

Happy weekend. Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXCLUSIVE: KRISSY RETURNS!

10:30 AM Friday
November 9, 2012
Somewhere in Tomas Morato Ave., Quezon City

OH, HELLO THERE! You look at me when I say hello there! There! Na-miss n’yo ‘ko ‘no? Aminin! Well, I’m baaaack. I’m here for an interview. I don’t know nga kung bakit wala pa si Heckler. Grabe, siya na ang nakiusap, siya pa ang late. Kaloka! Anyway, while waiting for him, let’s chat muna. This December, my film fest entry will… oh, he’s here. Gosh, you’re sooo late!

Sorry po, traffic.

It’s Friday! What do you expect? Hay naku! Darla, retouch muna nga. Be thankful kay Darla at sa KrisTV staff, naghintay sila. As in, they’re here for like 35 minutes na, promise.

Guys, thank you. Again, sorry Ms Kris. Shall we start?

So minamadali mo naman ako? Iba ka!

Nooo! No… take your time. Sorry po. How’s Bimby?

Close tayo? Helloooo.

Ok.

Aha-ha-ha. Namumula ka! I was just kidding. Baka itsismis mo inaapi kita. Gosh, I’m not like that. Alam ‘yan ng staff and crew ng show ko. ‘Di ba Darla?

(‘Di narinig ni Darla; No reaction)

Hoooooy sumagot ka! Aha-ha-ha! Support me naman! Anyway, let’s start na nga. Bilisan mo dahil may shooting pa ako. Go!

How’s your sex life?

NAKAKALOKA KA! ‘Yon talaga ang unang tanong? Helllooo. FYI, baka lang ‘di mo pa alam, baka lang naman, I am single right now! Sex is the least of my concerns. Unless…

Unless what…

Ayokong sabihin. Aha-ha-ha Magagalit na naman sina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky. My gad. I’m sure ‘pag nabasa nila ‘to tatawagan nila ako, “Kris, you and your big mouth again!” So quiet na lang ako. Basta, I am single and happy. Let’s leave it at that.

Nami-miss mo ba si James… ‘pag gabi?

From sex to James?!? Gano’n talaga ang segue? Hindi kita kinakaya. Aha-ha-ha We’re friends. Not friends na super friends but we’re ok. Pwede bang change topic na? Nag-move on na ako. Move on na rin kayo.

Two months mong co-host si Chiz sa KrisTV. Hindi ka ba niya niligawan?

Ano ka ba?!? May girlfriend na ‘yong tao! Nakakahiya kay Mrs. Ongpauco at sa chain of Barrio Fiesta restaurants!

Rephrase na lang, hindi ka ba nanghihinayang na napunta siya kay Heart?

Hellooooo! Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Ito ba? Ito ba ang mukhang nanghihinayang?

Bakit parang nandidiri ka?

Noooo! You’re making me pahamak! Gosh. Nakakahiya. If you’re reading this Chiz, that’s not what I meant. And thank you again for guesting. I learned a lot.

So hindi mo lang talaga siya type?

Let’s put it this way. Alvin Patrimono, Philip Salvador, Joey Marquez, James Yap. Venti! Venti! Venti! Venti! And then biglang Chiz… hmmm, tall. Masisira ang pattern aha-ha-ha.

Are you saying na maliit ang…

I’m saying na you shut up. You’re putting words into my mouth! Grabehhh!

Ok, sorry. Punta naman tayo sa brother mo. Wala ka bang balita sa lovelife niya?

Hay naku! Pagdating sa lovelife, ayoko nang makialam. Lovelife ko nga, ‘di ko maasikaso! I did my part na. Nag-recommend ako ng stylist para tulungan siyang imake over. May wardrobe consultant pa. Kung wala pa ring epek, ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang.

Hopeless case na ba?!

You’re so bad. Wala akong sinabing ‘hopeless.’ Noy, you know I love you. But you’re 52. Keri mo na ‘yan. Hanap lang nang hanap! Hellllo! Hugh Hefner got married again at 85.

Si Hugh Hefner talaga ang peg?

Gosh, stop using that term please! I hear that everyday sa studio. Irritating! Darla, sino ba ‘yong guest natin na nagsabing peg niya raw ako? Nakakairita! After talaga ng taping, sinabihan ko ang writers. Bawal gamitin ang “peg” kapag kaharap ako kung ayaw n’yong masira ang mood ko! Ayun, natahimik ang mga beki. Natakot ‘ata sa akin. Aha-ha-ha

Nasabit ang name mo sa away ng mga party-list groups. Kasi raw, ‘yong Akbayan na kinukuwestyon ang pagiging kinatawan ng marginalized sector, tumanggap pala ng 10 million pesos mula sa ‘yo noong 2010 elections. Anong masasabi mo?

You know what, that issue was blown out of proportion. Please lang, ‘wag n’yo kong idamay sa away-pulitika n’yo. Nananahimik ako. Kung may naiinggit sa Akbayan, hindi ko na fault ‘yon. Besides, that’s just 10 million pesos! What’s 10 million?! Helllllooo!

Speaking of Akbayan, may lumabas na item sa ABS-CBNNews.Com tungkol sa pagkaka-link ng brother mo kay Akbayan senatorial candidate Risa Hontiveros. May alam ka ba ‘don?

Heto na naman tayo. Hay naku. Risa is just Noy’s friend. Nang mabasa ko nga ang item, it felt weird. Parang, helllooo, they’re parang magkapatid lang. ‘Yong mga unverified reports, ‘di dapat nilalabas ‘yan eh. Alam mo naman ang News. Ayoko na lang magsalita. We’ve had an issue before at ayoko nang maungkat pa. Basta. Sana lang, kung news… news talaga. Ayoko na lang magsalita. Dapat kasi may malinaw at credible sources hindi ‘yong basta-basta naglalabas ng balita. Ayoko na lang magsalita. Kung hindi confirmed ang report, ‘wag munang iupload, ‘di ba? Ayoko na lang talagang magsalita. Ayusin naman sana ang trabaho kasi presidente ang involved rito. Basta! Ayoko na lang magsalita.

Puwede ako naman ang magsalita?

NAKAKALOKA! And’yan ka pa pala. Gosh, sorry! Akala ko umalis ka na. Feel na feel ko pa naman ang monologue ko! Ano ka ba naman Darla, hindi mo sinabi!

Moving on… last 2010 very vocal ang pamilya ni Ms Annabelle Rama na hindi nila iboboto si Noynoy. Remember Ruffa’s walkout sa “The Buzz?”

Ruffa who?!

Gano’n?

Of course I’m kidding! Hellloooo! Hi Ruffi! Miss you na! Wala ka raw trabaho d’yan sa kabila? Aha-ha-ha Ano nga ulit ang question?

Next year kasi tatakbo for a Congressional seat si Ms Annabelle Rama. Hypothetical lang, iboboto mo ba siya kung nakatira ka sa distrito niya?

I’m glad I’m not. Aha-ha-ha

So that’s a ‘no?’

Darla, what time ulit ang call time ko? We’re running late right? Ay, sorry Heckler, may tanong ka pa?

Mainit na isyu ngayon ang political dynasty. Ipinagbabawal daw ito ng Constitution pero bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagtakbo ng magkakapamilya. What’s your take on political dynasties?

Alam mo, I will be biased kasi our family has been ruling Tarlac for like seven or eight decades or maybe, longer. Pero one thing I can assure you, my mom was not corrupt, my brother is not corrupt, and my cousin Bam Aquino is not corrupt.

How about your uncle Peping Cojuangco?

Darla, are we late na for the shoot? Do we need to leave na?

Sandali lang po, two questions na lang. Very active ka sa Twitter and I’m sure nababasa mo rin ang controversial tweets ni Ms Sharon Cuneta.

I don’t follow her.

Oh, you don’t?

Ayokong ma-stress aha-ha-ha But I follow KC.

As a social media personality, ano ang maipapayo mo kay Ms Shawie na laging napapaaway on Twitter?

Ignore and move on.

Move on?

Yes! Kasi naman 2012 na! Magwa-one year na ang break up ng anak niya at ni PJ. Nag-move on na ang lahat ng Pilipino, siya na lang ang hindi pa. Wait, pwede bang off the record ‘to? Ayokong magalit si Sharon eh. Ang haba pa naman niyang mag-tweet. Nobela talaga ang peg. Eeew why did I use that term. Kainis! Aha-ha-ha

Are you endorsing anyone this coming elections?

I’m not sure. Baka! BAKA lang.

Mamimigay ka ulit ng ₱10 million?

Nakuuu! Hindi na ‘noh! Ayaw ng Bayan Muna at Anakbayan ng ganyan. Aha-ha-ha

If elections were held today, sinu-sino ang iboboto mo for senator. Top 3 lang muna.

If elections were held today, I’m sure ‘di pa ready ang Comelec. Kaloka ka! Aha-ha-ha

November 11 is the birthday of Vice President Binay. Alam kong close ang Aquino family sa pamilya niya. Any message for him?

Hi Tito Jojo! Grabe! I still remember those days na pumupunta ka sa bahay to meet with my mom and dad. I was was just 5 or 6 then at naloloka ka kapag sinasabihan kita ng, “Negro! Negro!’ Aha-ha-ha Who would have thought na mararating mo ang kinatatayuan mo ngayon? We’re happy and proud of you. Ignore mo na lang si Ate Koring. Isa pa ‘yon, ‘di pa nakaka-move on. Anyway, happy happy birthday and may the good Lord continue to shower you with blessings. Happy birthday!

Kumusta na nga pala kayo ni Mayor Junjun Binay?

We’re okay! I think he’s also very busy, and last I heard may girlfriend na raw yata. I’m not sure.

Hindi ka nagseselos?

Hellllooooo! LOOK AT ME again. Ito ba ang nagseselos?! Ito ba?!? ‘Tsaka why would I?!

Hindi mo siya type ‘no?

Ano ka ba?!! Walang gano’ng isyu between us. Imposibleng maging kami! Unless…

Unless VENTI s’ya?

Nakakaloka ka! Darla tara na! Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————-
“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.”
~Delta Burke

Quote of the Day
“Sa mga nanunulsol, tigilan n’yo na kung may malasakit talaga kayo sa aming pamilya. Hindi nakakatulong ang mga nanggagatong.”
-Cong. JV Ejercito on his reported rift with half-brother Sen. Jinggoy Estrada (Via Radio dzRH)

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE EPAL QUIZ: Undas Edition

“Nipisan naman natin ang mga mukha natin.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr’s appeal to politicians last All Saints’ Day

UNFORTUNATELY, his appeal fell on deaf ears. Some people couldn’t control the urge to showcase their mastery of the art of epalitics. This is The Epal Quiz: Undas Edition.

1: Sa Taguig City, ito ang bumungad sa isang sementeryo. Ano ang naging reaksyon ng mga tao?
A: “Whaaaat?!!! Ano raw ang ikinamatay? Grabe, may sisenta na ba ‘yan?”
B: “Ano ‘to? Dry-run? Sana nag-Barong Tagalog.”
C: (sings) “Through the years, you’ve never let me down/ You turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found/ I’ve found with you, through the years…”

2: Meanwhile, in Parañaque City. Free WiFi daw! Ang tanong:
A: Gagana ba ‘yan sa sementeryo? ‘Di ba dead spot ‘yon?
B: Nasagap n’yo ba ang signal? Ang signal na campaign season na naman?!
C: Kapag inalis ba ang mukha ng dalawang pulitiko, magkakaroon ng password?

3: May mga karatula at patalastas ng pulitiko na mapapa-“’Tang-*na This!” ka talaga. Basahin ang nakasulat sa pader:

Isang halimbawa ang ginawang ito ng nagki-claim na alkalde kahit hindi pa nahahalal. Sa Caloocan…
A: “Buwis na binayaran, ginamit sa kaepalan!”
B: Cementery mo’ng mukha mo!
C: ‘Sabagay, cemented naman kasi. Sige na nga. Cementery na kung cementery.

4: Siyempre, hindi pahuhuli ang mga Liberal sa District 1 ng Quezon City! Sinu-sino ang mga nasa larawan?
A: Mga ‘di matahimik na kaluluwa dahil malapit na ang eleksyon.
B: Mga public servants na dapat purihin, tularan, at ipagbunyi dahil sa walang pag-aalinlangang paglilingkod sa kanilang nasasakupan.
C: Mga nag-audition para sa sequel ng Insidious.

5: Dahil dapat lahat ay represented noong Undas, may nagparamdam na party-list group sa isang public cemetery sa QC. Ano kayang meron?
A: Hindi ka ba nasabihan? May taping ng cooking show!
B: Kung hanap mo ay murang cremation, LPG ang solusyon!
C: Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Undas. ‘Tapos maraming tao. ‘Tapos may tent. ‘Tapos may nakabalandrang mukha si Congressman. ‘Tapos eleksyon sa 2013. ‘Tapos, tapos na! Ganung kasimple! Hindi naman dapat icomplicate ang mga bagay, ‘di ba?

6: Sa Pandi, Bulacan, hindi magugutom ang mga nagtungo sa libingan. Salamat sa pakain ni Mayor Enrico Roque. Ano ang mensaheng nakasulat sa styro?
A: Eat now, vote later.
B: Ang ‘di susuporta sa halalan, mabibilaukan!
C: Upang lalong ganahan, titigan ang aking larawan.

7: Matapos kumain, kailangan mo ng panulak. ‘Wag mag-alala, ipu-provide ‘yan ng Governor at First Lady ng Laguna! Saan kaya galing ang tubig na ‘yan?
A: Pinagpawisan ‘yan ng mag-asawa kaya dapat ‘pasalamat ka!
B: ‘Yan ang tinatawag na tax in a bottle.
C: Wala akong pakialam kung saan ‘yan nagmula. Ang hindi ko matanggap ay kung bakit kailangang laging naka-display ang pagmumukha ng dalawang ‘yan!

8: Sa bayan ng Nasugbu sa aking home province of Batangas, ito ang makikita. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ni San Pedro Calungsod?
A: “Sino ba ang Santo? Ikaw o ako? Bakit mas malaki pa ang picture mo?”
B: “’Wag kang mag-alala Lerma. Ipagdarasal kita. Ipagdarasal kong matalo ka!”
C: “Huwag mo ‘kong gamitin sa kampanya. Hindi kita kilala!”

9: Pasyal naman tayo sa isang sementeryo sa Tarlac at maki-join sa kanilang party. Ano ang masasabi mo sa epal tarp na ito?
A: “Haloween” your face! Wrong spelling wrong!
B: “Ano ang nasa dako pa roon/ Bunga ng malikot na pag-iisip / Likha ng balintataw o halaw sa isang daigdig ng kababalaghan…”
C: To be fair kay Bokal, effortless ang Halloween costume n’ya!

10: Balik tayo sa Parañaque. May nagpaparamdam. Basahin natin ang mensahe ng dating kongresistang si Ed Zialcita. “Undas 2012 Compliments of EDZA”
A: So, ikaw ang nagbigay ng Undas 2012?!? Creation mo? Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa ‘yo! Salamat naman sa holiday!
B: Zir, zuper liit naman ng picture mo za ztreamer. Zayang ang zpace. Zana nilakihan mo pa para zure na maza-zight za zementeryo.
C: Saan kaya natin siya sunod na makikita? Sa Coaztal Road, sa Zouth Luzon Exprezzway o sa Z-5. Your guezz iz az good az mine. lolz

For those who missed:
The Epal Quiz 1
The Epal Quiz 2
The Epal Quiz 3
The Epal Quiz 4
The Epal Quiz 5
The Epal Quiz 6

————————
Attention whore: Label given to any person who craves attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it.
~Urban Dictionary

Enjoy the rest of your long weekend!

Maraming salamat sa mga larawang ginamit sa post na ito:
Epal Watch, No More Epal on Facebook, Doland Castro, Noel Alamar, Dennis Obsuna, Sha Risse, Erwin Aguilon, Sonny De Leon, Dexter Estacio, JL Guevarra and Jay Bernardo.

If you’d like to send your own photos of epaliticians for the next Epal Quiz, you may send it here: epaliticians@yahoo.com. Or you may contact Epal Watch. Thank you.

THE EPAL QUIZ VI

“Wealth is like sea-water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; and the same is true of fame.”
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Here’s the latest in our series of ‘Epal Quizzes.’

1: “Sumbong, sumbong kay bonggang-bonggang Bongbong. Dito na kayo magsumbong, diretso pa ang aksyon!” Ang unang sumbong ay mula sa constituent ni Quezon City Councilor Bong Suntay. Sabi niya, “Lahat po ng school bus sa Pilipinas ay may nakasulat na ‘School Bus.’ Ngunit sa nasasakupan ni Konsehal Bong Suntay, “Bus ng School” ang nakalagay. Bakit po kaya?
A: Bagong Style ‘yan. Pero walang kuneksyon kay Bong Suntay. Walang-wala! Masyado lang madumi ang utak n’yo.
B: Baka sa Sarili namang Bank Savings account galing ang ‘Binili ng Sasakyan. Hayaan na natin.
C: English daw kasi ang ‘School Bus.’ Hindi magi-gets ng kanyang constituents. Kapag ‘Bus ng School’ ang nakalagay, mas maliwanag, mas madaling maiintindihan at mas maayos na maipararating ang mensaheng “Hoooooy! Re-electionist ako!.”

2: Basahin nang buo ang nakasulat sa government vehicle.
“Acquired from Board Member Lianda Bolilia and Governor Hermilando Mandanas Year 2003. Remodeling of Brgy 6 Patrol Funded by Provincial Capitol of Batangas, A Project of Governor Vilma Santos Recto thru the initiation of Barangay Chairman Arthur G. Blanco, and Councilor Hamilton G. Blanco upon the request of Brgy. Chairman Reynaldo G. Tiamsim.”
A: In short: “’Wag kaming kalimutan sa darating na halalan.”
B: “Remodeling of Brgy. 6 Patrol” So, kasama talaga sa remodelling ang limang kilometrong pangalan??? Baka may nalimutan pa kayo. Nakakahiya naman.
C: Sa totoo lang, may karugtong pa ‘yan eh. Ito:
“… upon the request of Brgy. Chairman Reynaldo Tiamsim following a meeting with Vice Mayor Obet Austria and Councilor Cerlina Malabanan immediately after conferring with Brgy. Treasurer Badong Caraan in accordance with a memorandum signed by Principal Teodoro Dimaunahan and witnessed by Guidance Counselor Gloria Mendoza along with Hekasi teacher Lina Bobadilla as attested by tahong vendor Porfirio Parra with valuable inputs from Parish priest Fr. Eugenio Baldoz and certified as pak na pak by EPALTODA President Macario Recto. Punyeta.

3: Ano kaya ang unang ginawa ni Senador Loren Legarda nang makita ang larawang ito?
A: Sinabon ang mga supporters. “Kung gusto n’yo ng pondo, ayusin n’yo ang trabaho n’yo!”
B: Ipinahanap ang basurahan at ipinaalis ang kanyang pangalan.
C: Inamoy ang kanyang sarili. Baka kasi totoo ang nakasulat sa trash can.

4: Sabi sa streamer: “Ang tunay na solusyon sa krimen ay lumantad, magsalita at ituro ang gumagawa ng krimen.” Ano ang kaugnayan ng campaign sa walong tao sa larawan.
A: Ewan. Baka sila ang gumagawa ng krimen.
B: Hindi kasi lalantad ang witness kapag hindi nakalantad ang mukha ng local government officials. Dapat may peg. Sila ‘yon.
C: Isa lang ang masasabi ko: “Ang tunay na solusyon sa pagtitipid ay pagbabawal sa epal tarpaulins. Magsalita at ituro ang gumagawa ng epal tarps! Ngayon din.”
D: (Oo, may letter D!) Susme! Bakit nand’yan naman ang Pambansang Bangs!?!?

5: Mula pa rin sa Quezon City… anong lesson ang nais iparating sa atin ng larawang ito?
A: Hindi matutuloy ang turn over ng stretchers hangga’t hindi isinasabit ang tarpaulin.
B: Kung walang Julian Coseteng, walang stretchers, so dapat mahiya tayo sa kanya.
C: Kung idi-display ang picture sa tarp, dapat bagong facial para pleasing.

6: Kung makakausap mo ang Kongresista mula sa Bicolandia, ano ang sasabihin o itatanong mo sa kanya?
A: Bakit ho mas malaki pa ang inyong pangalan kaysa sa paaralan?
B: May nagtangka na ho bang umagaw o magnakaw sa bubong na ito kaya kailangang lagyan ng higanteng pangalan n’yo?
C: Napansin n’yo ba ang sirang bahagi ng bubong? Sa inyong palagay, anong mga kasalanan ang nagawa n’yo at galit sa inyo pati anay?

7: Ito po ay streamer tampok si Laguna Third District Representative Ivy Arago. Remember her? May gusto kang sabihin?
A: Dear Congresswoman, NBA Champs po ng 2011-2012 season ang Miami Heat, hindi lang ng Eastern Conference. FYI.
B: “I know, right!?” – Coach Spo *facepalm*
C: Ang kaepalan ay hindi lang pampulitika, pang-sports pa!

8: Welcome to Davao Del Sur. Bakit ‘yong babae sa gitna, parang ‘di masaya?
A: Tuwing may napapadaan kasi sa tapat ng tarpaulin, minumura silang tatlo.
B: Mali ang nailagay na picture niya. Hindi ‘yon ang kanyang best angle.
C: Kinakabahan siya sa pictorial. Baka kasi mapasama sila sa Epal Quiz. Tama ang kutob n’ya!

9: Sa Meycauayan, Bulacan, namahagi ng World Teachers’ Day Award kamakailan si Mayor Joan V. Alarilla. At dahil siya ang “sponsor” ng award, kasama ang mukha niya sa tropeyo. Kung makakatanggap ka ng ganito, ano ang gagawin mo?
A: Ibabalik ko ang trophy. “Give me some dignity!”
B: Kukunan ko ng picture ang trophy at bago ikalat sa Internet, lalagyan ko ng caption: ‘Huwag tularan.’
C: Tatawag ako kay Mayora, magpapasalamat sabay tanong, “Ano ka pioneer ng education? Kailangan talagang ‘yong bust mo nasa trophy? Sino ka, si Maria Montessori?”

10: “Congratulations! PUP Sto. Tomas Branch: Champion 2012 Interbranch Basketball Tournament.” Ang tanong:
A: Nasaan ang players? Bakit picture ng mga referee at waterboy ang nasa tarp?
B: Bakit unfair ang konseho? Bakit walang tarp nang manalo sa Interbranch Buko Pie Eating Contest ang PUP?
C: Hanggang sa Sto. Tomas ba naman kasama pa rin sa tarp si Winnie “Bangs” Castelo?

Guess what, the Philippines made it here: The 8 Weirdest Real-Life Science Fiction Political Ads

Congratulations Quezon City! We are so proud of you. NOT. Neknek n’yo!

IN OTHER NEWS…
In a speech in New Zealand, President Aquino cracked a wheelchair joke. The ‘wheelchair’ is the new ‘love life.’

Tantrum
Two days ago, Rappler’s Inside Track section wrote an item about a “reporter” who threw a tantrum while covering the canonization of San Pedro Calungsod in Rome. Another source said the reporter refused to be photographed by the Filipino crowd. Somebody quipped “baka namaligno.”

Matt Evans
Actor Matt Evans posted bail after spending nearly two days in jail for allegedly hitting his live-in partner. The alleged victim charged Evans with violation of the Anti-Violence Against Women and Children Act. The actor was released after posting bail of 200 pesos or as Evans would probably say, “pang-yosi.”

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Maraming salamat po sa mga sumusunod:
Epal Watch, Anti-Epal-Camarines Sur, Anti-Epal Zambales, Rea Adalia, Cholo Bunag, Archie Cadungog Grapa, Dwayne Anderson, Laline Frondozo, pssst.com.ph.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

AYON SA MGA BITUIN 2012

WHAT FUTURE awaits our leaders? Narito ang mga obserbasyon, hula, at babala ng mga bituin.

Ngunit katulad ng sa tuwina’y paalala ni Ms Zenaida Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ulitin natin. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, basahin nang malakas: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” WOW, inulit nga! Masunuring bata! Susuwertehin ka mamaya!

President NOYNOY AQUINO
Birth: Feb. 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Favorable ang galaw ng mga bituin sa aspetong propesyonal. Ngunit hindi ito ang taon upang ikaw ay magmahal. Dalawang buwan na lang, Pasko na. Huwag nang tangkaing humabol; wala kang makikita. Susuwertehin ang iyong lovelife sa taong 2009. Ay, tapos na pala. Sorry, sana nagpakasal ka na. Mauulit ang suwerteng ‘yan after 76 years. Halley’s comet lang ang peg.

Sen. FRANCIS ESCUDERO
Birth: October 10, 1969
Sign: Libra
Tutukan ang karelasyon upang kayo ay magtagal. Kung hindi mo tututukan, baka humanap ng iba ‘yan.

Sen. RALPH RECTO
Birth: January 11, 1964
Sign: Capricorn
Matindi ang banggaan ng mga planeta kaya’t inabot ka ng kamalasan sa linggong ito. Huwag mag-alala. Sa mga susunod na buwan ay may darating na La Suerte, este, suwerte. Sorry.

Vice President JOJO BINAY
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Samantalahin ang stay sa Vatican upang magsisi sa mga nagawang kasalanan. Marami-rami rin ‘yon. (Alam mo na!) Gayunman, ‘wag daanin sa dasal ang away ninyo ni Ate Koring. Hindi ka pa niya handang patawarin. Not in this lifetime.

Congressional Candidate ANNABELLE RAMA
Birth: October 1955
Sign: Scorpio
Naninibago ang mga bituin sa ‘yo. Masyado kang tahimik, at wala yatang kaaway lately. That’s disturbing. Magpa-check up ka na.

Vice Gubernatorial Candidate JINKEE PACQUIAO
Birth: January 12, 1979
Sign: Capricorn
Ang payo ng mga bituin: kilalanin mo muna nang lubusan ang iyong sarili bago tuluyang pasukin ang magulong mundo ng pulitika. Humarap sa salamin. Kung hindi mo makilala ang ‘yong sarili, kami rin. May panahon pa para umatras.

Former Sen. ERNESTO MACEDA
Birth: March 26, 1935
Sign: Aries
Namonitor ng mga bituin ang iyong maagang pangangampanya sa AM radio. Meron ka na agad (endorsement) plug. Wala ka pa ring ‘pinagbago. Iyan ang ikakatalo mo.

Sen. TITO SOTTO
Birth: August 24, 1948
Sign: Virgo
Wala kang horoscope. Wala ang mga bituin. Umalis. Tulog!

Pampanga Rep. GLORIA MACAPAGAL-ARROYO
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Nalulungkot ang mga bituin sa sinapit mong kapalaran. Joooke!

Mayoral Candidate RICHARD GOMEZ
Birth: April 7, 1966
Sign: Aries
Hanga sa ‘yo ang mga bituin sa pagiging pursigido mo. Wala kang kadala-dala sa pulitika. This time though, naniniwala ang mga bituin na papalarin ka na. Dapat lang siguro! Nagkalat ang mukha mo sa buong Ormoc ‘noh! Ewan na lang ‘pag ‘di ka pa nanalo.

Sen. JUAN PONCE ENRILE
Birth: February 14, 1924
Sign: Aquarius
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Nang isilang ka kasi ay hindi pa uso ang horoscope. Pass na muna.

Sen. KOKO PIMENTEL
Birth: January 20, 1964
Sign: Aquarius
Huwag ikalungkot ang isinampang annulment petition ng iyong dating asawa. May darating ding pag-ibig para sa ‘yo. Kung hindi man ngayon, baka bukas; kung hindi man seksi, baka classy; kung hindi man babae, baka… Basta. May darating. You can never tell.

QC Rep. WINNIE CASTELO
Birth: April 19, 1963
Sign: Aries
Huwag ituloy ang planong pagpapagupit. Huwag ring makinig sa mga batikos at kabi-kabilang panlalait. Marami lang talagang naiinggit. Tandaan, everybody is unique. Halimbawa, kami, judgmental… tapos ikaw, epal. Ganun.
—————————————————–
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves; we are underlings.”
~William ShakespeareQuote of the Day
“Why am I not running for another post? Why should I? I am not inclined to seek another elective post at this time. Taking a break is healthy.”
~Sen. Francis Pangilinan via Twitter

Have a peaceful weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

RUMORS, FACTS, AND HUMOR IV

HERE’S PART 4 of our list of baseless and unfounded bits of information on or about political figures, government officials, and organizations in the Philippines.

106: From kindergarten to college, Ralph Recto was a scholar of Philip Morris Philippines Incorporated.

107: Tito Sotto is allergic to latex condoms.

108: Jejomar Binay has not lost an election since he first ran as president of his class in Grade III.

109: Editors and writers of UST’s The Varsitarian were each given a certificate of commendation by the UST administration for their recent editorial against the RH Bill, and the pro-RH bill professors of Ateneo and La Salle.

110: There are more Akbayan members than Liberals in the Aquino administration.

111. Alfredo Lim is more popular on Twitter than in Manila.

112: Edgardo Angara, the main author of the TRO’d Cybercrime Prevention Act doesn’t know the meaning of ‘e’ in e-mail and the ‘com’ in dot com.

113: Aside from target shooting, President Aquino is also good at 1-2-3 Pass!

114: Anignat Tpurroc, a Guatemalan-based psychic of Mayan descent predicts the Freedom of Information bill will be finally passed by Philippine Congress in 2061.

115: The blockbuster film ‘The Mistress’ was loosely based on the personal experience of an incumbent senator.

116: According to his high school yearbook, Jack Enrile was voted “Most Likely to Win an Election Because of His Last Name.”

117: Ernesto Maceda is the person behind a hugely popular parody account on Twitter.

118: Nightly lotto draws are not conducted LIVE. All draws are pretaped. Winning numbers are pre-drawn. Winners are pre-determined.

119: Congressional candidate Annabelle Rama could write in Cebuano with one hand, and invectives with the other hand at the same time.

120: (By choice) Korina Sanchez has not set foot in Makati City since the vice presidential defeat of Mar Roxas in 2010.

121: Junjun Binay was rejected by German Moreno when he auditioned for the defunct youth-oriented show ‘That’s Entertainment.’

122: Jovito Salonga and Juan Ponce Enrile still communicate with each other using Baybayin (Alibata).

123: PLDT/Smart big boss Manny V. Pangilinan is also a Globe postpaid subscriber. His subscriber name is Jude Edmund A. Demayo, and his cell number is 0916-7538-MVP.

124: A confidential survey on the party-list system in the Philippines showed party-list groups joined the elections due to these reasons: pork barrel (85%); power and influence (5%); fame (2%), and “Secret! Walang clue!” (8%).

125: Miriam Defensor-Santiago was present when Heart Evangelista said ‘Yes’ to Chiz Escudero.

126: As of Friday, official records show Richard Gomez’ huge image appears on at least 156 billboards in Lucy Torres’ congressional district in Leyte.

127: Vice gubernatorial hopeful Jinkee Pacquiao can neither spell nor pronounce ‘vice gubernatorial.’

128: Mikey Arroyo was Jeremy Renner’s stunt double in ‘The Bourne Legacy.’

129: At least 12 councilors in Quezon City have Herbert Bautista’s initials (HB) tattooed just below their navels.

130: A sealion is featured on the Seal of the President of the Philippines while a Philippine crocodile is featured on the seal of the House of Representatives.

For those who missed:
Rumors, Facts and Humor 1-50
Rumors, Facts and Humor 51-80
Rumors, Facts, and Humor 81-105
—————————————-
“The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on.”
― Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don’t Have Fangs

Quote of the Day
“It’s not about passing a sin tax law. It is about passing a sin tax measure at the effective and proper rates. Otherwise, we’re just fooling each other.”
~Former senator Juan Flavier on Ralph Recto’s version of the Sin Tax bill

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL IV

IT’S BEEN THREE months since the devil last spoke on issues and events here in the Philippines. Fresh from its two-month vacation in Venezuela where it influenced the recently concluded presidential elections, the devil agreed to be interviewed – again. Here’s the unedited transcript of the exclusive conversation.

Uy, ‘musta ka na? Ang tagal mong nawala ah!

Ganun? Concerned? Close tayo?

Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Demonyo ka pa rin!

OMD! Thank you!

OMD?

Oh my Devil! Tanga!

Wow, kung maka-tanga ka ah. Since ngayon ka lang nagparamdam ulit, gusto sana muna kitang tanungin tungkol sa ‘di pa rin mamatay-matay na isyung kinasasangkutan ni Senador Tito Sotto.

Alin do’n? Ang dami no’n huh! I’m impressed.

Ahm, unahin na natin ang plagiarism.

O, anong isyu do’n? Pinalaki n’yo lang ‘yun eh. Kung tutuusin, simpleng bagay lang naman talaga ‘yon. Nag-research ang staff niya, kinopya, ‘tapos walang attribution, binasa. Anong problema? The act was laudable!

Pati ‘yong aroganteng defense niya? Pati ‘yong ‘di niya pagso-sorry sa ginawa n’ya? Laudable?

Of course!

Despicable!

Thank you!

So inaamin mong kagagawan mo ang napaulat na pag-plagiarize niya at ‘yong naging asal niya?

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!

O, bakit parang umiiwas ka?

Naman! Cybercrime Law. Libel. Alam mo na!

‘Yong devil takot sa libel??!

Bakit? Ikaw ba hindi?

Takot.

Boom! Ha-ha

Fuck you!

Thank you!

Wait, paano nakalusot ang Cybercrime Law kung depektibo ang ilang probisyon nito?

‘Yon na nga ang ikinaiinis ko eh.

‘Yong defective ang law?

Hindi! ‘Yong TRO! Perfect na sana eh. Lulusot na sana, bigla ba namang nakialam ang Korte Suprema. Booooo! KJ kayong matatanda d’yan sa Padre Faura! May araw din kayo. Buwisit!

Pa’no ‘yan, maraming senador ang kumikilos para maayos ang batas.

Isa pa ‘yang mga ‘yan! Ang kakapal ng mukha! I was there eh! I was guiding them when they passed that freaking law! ‘Tapos ngayon kanya-kanyang distansya, kanya-kanyang palusot, kanya-kanyang pautot at pag-amin na nagkamali sila! I’m disappointed!

How about the President?

OMD! I have never been this proud of Noynoy. Nag-overachieve siya sa usaping ito. I’m giving him 4 out of 5 stars! Nai-imagine ko na ang nararamdamang inis nina Cory at Ninoy do’n sa kabila. Awesome!

And Leila De Lima?

Wow. Unexpected turnaround. Kung noon ay isinusumpa ko siya bilang human rights advocate, ngayon, love na love ko na siya. I am giving her 4 out of 5 shawls! Magaling!

Napag-uusapan na rin lang natin ang batas, narinig mo na ba ang Freedom of Information Bill?

Alin? ‘Yong ipinangako ng presidente n’yo noong kampanya ‘tapos nilalangaw ngayon sa Kongreso? Dapat palitan na lang ang pangalan ng bill. Mas ok ang Freedom of Impormasyong Inaamag. Har-har-har

Ikaw ba ang may pakana ng delay?

May iba pa ba? Bakit ko naman papayagang pumasa ang FOI… eh ‘di mabuking ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga walanghiya sa gobyerno? Utot n’yo! Hangga’t wala ang FOI Law, tuloy ang ligaya ng mga diablo!

I dare you! Name names! Sinu-sino ba ‘yang mga diablo?

Ayaw ko. Eight years ang libel ‘no!

Duwag na demonyo!

Thank you!

Isyung pulitika naman tayo. Nagbati na sina Jamby Madrigal at ang kampo ni Manny Villar ‘tsaka sina Jamby at Alan Peter Cayetano. ‘Di ba… halos magpatayan ang mga ‘yan noong 2010 elections?

So? Anong masama sa patayan? Cool nga ‘yon eh! Actually, I still admire them now. Nuknukan ng kaplast… ooops Cybercrime Law, nuknukan ng forgiving. Lahat ay gagawin para sa 2013 elections! Yehey!

Nabalitaan mo na ba? ‘Yong mag-lolong Villafuerte, magkalaban daw sa 2013 sa Bicol!

Lolong? Buwaya ‘ba ‘yon?

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!

Gago ka ba? Pahamak ka ah! Nililinaw ko lang. Sabi mo ‘Lolong.’ Eh ‘di ba buwaya ‘yon?

Sabi ko mag-lolong Villafuerte! Grandfather vs grandson ang maglalaban!!!!!!

Galit ka? Kailangan talaga anim na exclamation points?

Hindi. Nililinaw ko rin lang.

Ahhhh sila ba ‘yong pamilyang may-ari yata ng Camarines Sur? Tama lang ‘yan! Hayaan mo silang mag-away-away. Mas exciting ‘yon. Matagal ko nang minamanmanan ang mga Villafuerte. Before World War II, nasa puwesto na ang mga ‘yan. Inabutan na sila ng Twitter, YouTube, stem cell therapy at One Direction, nasa puwesto pa rin. Sino ba namang ‘di mawiwili? Political dynasty is the best policy!

Ano namang masasabi mo sa pagtakbo ni Jinkee Pacquiao for vice governor of Sarangani?

Sino ‘yon?

Wow. Grabe ka huh. Hindi mo kilala ang first lady ng boxing?

Siyempre kilala ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko na siya makilala.

Susuportahan mo ba siya?

Matagal ko nang itinakwil ang mag-asawang ‘yan. Hindi na sila ma-reach. Hindi ako makalapit! Araw-araw, basa nang basa ng Bible. Eeew.

Btw, may kopya ka na ba ng libro ni Senator Enrile? ‘Yong kanyang memoir?

Of course! At nando’n ako sa book launch ‘noh! I was hobnobbing with the elite and the powerful!

Close kayo ni Senator?

Kinda.

Alam n’ya?

Feeling ko.

Feeling ka huh!

Let’s put it this way. On and off ang friendship namin. May time na masunurin siya sa akin at may pagkakataon namang, papogi sa publiko ang pucha.

So anong masasabi mo sa statement ni Senator Enrile na, “… I fear only the ultimate judgment of God and history.”

God? Whateverrr. Wait for the day that I judge you!

Nagbabanta ka? Ehem… may Cybercrime Law.

Ehem… may TRO.

Whatever!!! Maiba ako, nabasa mo ba ang editorial ng The Varsitarian ng UST? Anong masasabi mo sa banat ng Varsi na “intellectual pretenders at interlopers” daw ang mga propesor ng Ateneo at La Salle?

I was stunned. I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was lovin’ it! Go USTe! For a moment, nakaramdam ako ng pride. Whoever wrote that scathing editorial’s got a lot of promise; a potential protégé! ‘Yan tuloy, maraming nang-aalaska sa UST nang talunin ng Ateneo sa finals. Lemons n’yo raw ang mukha n’yo! Ang saya! Keep it up Varsitarian!

Before I let you go, ano palang masasabi mo sa buhok ni Charice sa X Factor Philippines?

Demonyo ako, hindi stylist!

Sus! Nagpapalusot?

You wish!

Eh ano, takot sa Cybecrime Law?

Tanga! Takot ako sa fans ni Charice! Ikaw ba hindi?

Takot.

Ok, next question please.

Naniniwala ka ba sa maligno?

Sa totoong maligno o sa pangalawang pangulo?

Hooooooy! Hindi maligno si Vice President Binay!

Bakit? May sinabi ba akong Binay? Kapag pangalawang pangulo ba, Binay agad? Hindi ba pwedeng pangalawang pangulo ng PTA muna o Fejodap o PasigTODA?

Hay naku. Palusot na naman. Iwan na nga natin ang isyung ‘to.

I’m sure takot ka lang sa Cybercrime Law!

Fuck you.

Thank you!
————————————————————
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
~Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day
“This Senate committee version of the Sin Tax Bill is so watered down, it should be called “the death star bill. I am gobsmacked at the committee report. It is an abject surrender to the very rich & very powerful tobacco & alcohol lobby. I don’t buy the argument that cigarettes & alcohol are the entertainment of the poor. The purpose of entertainment is relaxation, not death.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

UAAP 75
Congratulations to the Ateneo Blue Eagles! The #DriveForFive is complete! To the UST Growling Tigers, cheer up. You had a great season.

Next year: UP Maroons naman ang #SureNaSuresaFinal4

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[For EPAL PHOTOS (your own), you may email them here: epaliticians@yahoo.com]

UNANIMOUS!

VOTING UNANIMOUSLY, the Supreme Court of the Philippines issued a temporary restraining order on the controversial Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012! And Leila De Lima was like, “Ahmm… do I really have to follow that?”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says the Cybercrime Law is “unconstitutional.” But Justice Secretary Leila De Lima insists it is “constitutional.” Do you still remember when Leila De Lima was out there defending fundamental human rights like free speech? Me neither.

The good news is the Supreme Court has voted unanimously to stop the implementation of the Cybercrime Law. The bad news is the High Court has yet to issue a TRO on Tito Sotto’s never-ending “Ako ang favorite whipping boy… ” rant.

It was a unanimous vote by the magistrates of the Supreme Court. As long as they’re UNITED against the unconstitutional provisions of the Cybercrime Law, I really don’t care if they’re DIVIDED during flag ceremonies. Thank you Supreme Court!

TRO on the Cybercrime Law: Reactions

“Our missiles is easy to reached your mainland Padre Faura. We warn your Supreme Court of Manila!”
~Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un (North Korea)

“Last day, I happy because I win election. Today, I lonely because court okay speaking freedom in Philippines. I disappoint. Very disappoint.”
~President Hugo Chavez (Venezuela)

“You Pilipinos unfair in Sotto. Sotto correct every time. Sotto right against whip boy. I big pity whip boy. TRO can giant blow in fight opposite cyberspaced opinions. Very bad rule in your Supreme Court.”
~President Hu Jintao (China)

“Sad day in future of Philippinos government. You speak negative, you free. You write anti, you free. You tweet criticize, you free. You unlike work politicians, you free. You free is bad to country. I sentence Justices must die in stone! Stone justices, stone!”
~President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran)

“Que horror! Wrong decision. Korte Suprema afraid of people. Government can fight Korte Suprema. Freedom not always right. Freedom not always help economy. Wrong decision. TRO was devil. Devil in high degrees.”
~Fidel Castro (Cuba)

“We admire the justices of the Supreme Court. The magistrates are cerebral unlike the lawyers from La Salle and Ateneo who are intellectual pretenders and interlopers!”
~The Varsitarian, Official student publication, The Pontifical and Royal University of Santo Tomas, The Catholic University of the Philippines

“I will always respect the legal processes that are issued by the court.”
~President Noynoy Aquino

“I will always respect the legal processes that are issued by the court, too.”
~Tito Sotto, comedian/politician

In Other News
In a scathing anti-RH Bill editorial, UST’s official student publication, The Varsitarian hit Ateneo and La Salle professors who were supportive of the bill calling them “intellectual pretenders.” The Atenean and La Sallian professors retaliated by proofreading the article.

Fired!
Reports say 15 nurses were dismissed for ‘liking’ a Facebook status of a colleague who criticized the management of the Taguig-Pateros City District Hospital. The Taguig City administrator denied the allegation and insisted that the nurses were fired for “disregard of authority,” “disobedience,” and for rejecting his Facebook friend request repeatedly.

Penis Size
According to a recent study, Congolese have the longest manhood while Indians, Chinese, Thais, and North/South Koreans have the shortest. The study didn’t cover the Philippines… much to the relief of Filipinos.
————————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~ G.K. Chesterton

Quote of the Weak
“I withdrew it, alam mo kung bakit, kasi gusto rin ni Noynoy (President Aquino) ang libel kaya winidraw ko.”
~Sen. Tito Sotto on his bill seeking to junk the Libel Law

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[SC Ruling Photo: GMA News' Lia Mañalac]

Cirque du soLOL

“Parang nagiging circus naman itong filing. This is a very dignified process. Hindi naman dapat sinasamantala para magkampanya.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Brillantes Jr.

THE UNOFFICIAL campaign period for the 2013 midterm elections has officially started. Aspiring public servants trooped to the Commission on Elections to file their certificates of candidacy.

It’s circus meets carnival meets rigodon meets town fiesta meets beauty pageant meets sapin-sapin festival. Colorful!

Ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the Commission on Elections, Attorney Sixto S. Brillantes Jr!

“Bakit naman kailangang may introduction pa? ‘Kaw talaga. Anyway, let me take this opportunity to remind everyone na walang extension ang filing of COCs. Hanggang alas-singko lang ‘yan ngayong Biyernes. Maraming salamat. Now, I am honored to present to you some of the early birds na nag-file na ng kanilang COC. Pero bago ‘yan, click n’yo muna ang music video para mas ganahan tayong lahat. Click now…

Mga kababayan, kayo na ang bahalang humusga! Live mula sa tanggapan ng Commission on Elections sa Intramuros, Manila… please welcome, the candidates for senator of the Republic of the Philippines! Let’s start with…

“Hola! Ako po si Loren ‘Luntian’ Legarda. Dalaga! I am an NPC bet supported by the Nacionalistas within the LP coalition, and endorsed by PDP-Laban within the UNA Coalition. I am the Inception of Philippine politics. I thank you.

NEXT!

“Itutuloy ko po ang laban ng mga mahihirap sa tulong ng aking salaping limpak-limpak! Oh yeah, I am so back. And surprise, surprise… Liberal na ako, whether you like it or not! Repeat after me: Ja-ja-ja-Jamby!”

NEXT!

“Aaminin ko, I did not see this coming: si Jamby at ako sa iisang partido! Think Sharon and Piolo sa iisang kuwarto. Oh my gulay! Hanep na ang buhay dahil may hanapbuhay! Ayos ba ang segue? Cynthia Villar po ng Nacionalista Party.”

NEXT!

“Maayong udto! Lumayas man ako ng partido; inagawan man ako ng trabaho, at nawala man ang misis ko… lalaban pa rin ako! I’m very single and can’t wait to mingle… Koko Pimentel!”

NEXT!

“Bawal ang overweight, bawal ang double chin! Dapat lahat sexy, dapat lahat ay thin. Isusulong ko ang weight loss at tamang dieting. No to obesity, Yes to Tingting! Ang nag-iisang asawa ni Peping!”

NEXT!

“Juan Ponce Enrile Jr! Inuulit ko: J U A N P O N C E E N R I L E Jr. #nuffsaid”

NEXT!

“Angara sa kapitolyo. Angara sa Kongreso. Angara sa Senado. Angara ng buhay n’yo! Ang proud son ng Aurora… Sonny Angara!”

NEXT!

“(Sus! Sobra namang hardsell si Sonny. Ako naman!) My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay nasa Senado, hindi siya baboy-damo! Hello! JV Ejercito Estrada po. Handang-handa na sa Senado sa ayaw o sa gusto ng Kuya Jinggoy ko!

NEXT:

“Mag-ama! Mag-kuya! Hayys… ano ba namang Senado ‘to? Wala na bang iba? Kaya ang sigaw ng marami: ibalik ang mag-Ate! Ako po ang nakababatang kapatid ni Senadora Pia: Alan Peter Compañero Cayetano: LP ang kakampi inspite of Ja-jamby!

NEXT!

“Ako po si Mitos Magsaysay. Ako ay “

NEXT!

“Teka lang. Grabe ka naman Chairman. Wala pa akong nasasabi. Sigurado akong kagagawan na naman ito ng Malacañang! Hmpf! Mag-a-RT na nga lang ako ng tweet! RT @tribuneonline Stalled at Noy’s daang matuwid via tribune.net.ph”

NEXT!

“O, wait, teka lang, sandali lang girls. Relax lang kayoooo! Akala n’yo si Ninoy Aquino ‘to ‘noh?! Nagkakamali kayoooo! Mas bata, mas mataba at mas guwapo ako do’n! Tatakbo ako para tumulong, kumalinga at minsan, magpakilig sa inyooooo. Ako nga po pala ang dating National Youth Commission chairman at TOYM awardee na si Paolo Benigno “Bam” A. Aquino IV, ang Mr. Pogi ng Liberal Party!

NEXT!

O, boys… relax lang kayo. Akala n’yo trapo ako ‘no. Nagkakamali kayoooo! Chos! Nagbibiro lang po. Si Manong Ernie Maceda po ito… maubusan man ako ng lakas, matuyuan man ako ng katas, walang makakapantay sa akin sa paggawa ng batas! Promise!

NEXT!

Joey De Venecia po… napadaan lang. Putik na survey ‘yan! OkThanksBye!

“AT SUMAINYO ang ilan sa mga nais maglingkod sa bayan! Ang iba pang kandidato… abangan! Paalala lang: meron pa kayo hanggang Biyernes upang mag-file ng inyong certificate of candidacy. Thank you. This is your chairman of House Targaryen, Sixto S. Brillantes Jr. Mabuhay!
———————————-
“Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.”
~ Gore Vidal

Cybercrime Law
The controversial Cybercrime Law authored by EDGARDO ANGARA will take effect at 12:01 AM of October 3. The ************ senators ******** can’t possibly ******* on the ******* of it,  right?

Freest
Reports say Filipino Internet users are the freest in Asia and the sixth freest in the world. And Edgardo Angara was like, “’Yon ang akala n’yo!”

Imelda
Online reports say former First Lady Imelda Marcos is in favor of the entire Cybercrime Law. To report that Imelda Marcos favors the Cybercrime Law is like announcing that Chris Tiu will be cheering for the Ateneo Blue Eagles in the UAAP Finals. #expected

Jinkee P
Jinkee Pacquiao is running for vice governor of Sarangani. As for the reason behind her decision to join politics, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

From Cyberspace and I So Agree

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: UNA/LP/Brillantes from Inquirer.Net]

FILING OF COCs: A TRAPO PRIMER

THE FILING OF certificates of candidacy for the May 13, 2013 national and local elections is scheduled on October 1-5. Expect a circus in Comelec offices nationwide starting Monday.

To confuse you on this important poll-related activity, here’s the Trapo Primer on the filing of COCs originally drafted by a special committee composed of distinguished individuals: former Senator Armando Rugas Sr., Congresswoman Amanda Raya, Governor Melissa Kim, Atty. Francisco Racot and Commissioner Nina Cao. Please be guided accordingly.

Sinong pwedeng tumakbo sa 2013 elections?
Kahit sino. Basta malakas ang loob, nasa tamang edad, at may sapat na pondong pwedeng ipambili ng boto at ibayad sa watchers. Tandaan ang Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.

Bakit ka dapat kumandidato?
Dahil malakas ang clamor. Ano ba ‘yong clamor? Nakakain ba ‘yon? Basta! Kung malakas ang clamor na maglingkod sa bayan, sige lang. Lagi namang gano’n ang reason ‘di ba? Clamor! Kahit ‘di alam kung ano ang clamor, ‘yon pa rin ang ginagamit na dahilan sa pagtakbo. Pakapalan lang ‘yan ng mukha, patibayan ng sikmura at palakasan ng… clamor. Makakatanggi ka ba do’n?

Pwede ba akong tumakbo kahit nasa puwesto pa ang tatay ko, ang tiyo ko, o ang pinsan ko? Hindi ba political dynasty ‘yan?
Kalokohan! Basahin natin ang Section 26 ng Article II ng ating Saligang Batas: ‘Declaration of Principles and State Policies.’ Basa… “The State shall guarantee the equal access to opportunities in the public service and prohibit political dynasties as may be defined by law.” Ang linaw ‘di ba? Bawal ang political dynasty. Pero may sumusunod ba? Walaaaaa! ‘Wag kang magpakabayani. Don’t be the exception to the prevailing rule. Bastusan ng batas ang uso, maki-ride ka na lang. Gusto ko happy ka!

Beinte-kuwatro anyos lang ako. Tapos na ang termino ng daddy ko. Wala namang interes sa pulitika ang mommy ko. Ako ang pinapatakbo nila kahit wala akong alam sa pulitika. Anong dapat kong gawin?
Walang hinangad na masama ang magulang para sa kanilang anak. Para sa kapakanan mo rin ‘yan at ng buong angkan. ‘Wag mag-alala. Sobrang bilis ng three years. After one term, balik-pwesto si Daddy. ‘Yon eh kung ‘di ka maa-addict sa kapangyarihan.

Kinukuha akong guest candidate ng Ahead Party. ‘Tapos may offer din sa akin ang Liberated Party na maging guest candidate. Hindi ba masama ‘yon? Hindi ba pamamangka sa dalawang ilog ‘yon?
So anong gusto mong palabasin? Na magaling ka? Na pinag-aagawan ka? Na bukod-tangi kang pinagpala? Baka kasi winnable ka. Sa panahong ito, winnability ang pangunahing criteria sa pagpili ng kandidato. Kahit mahusay at matino ka pero nasa dulo ka ng survey, mag-quit ka na lang. Siyempre, hindi susugal sa mahinang kandidato ang mga financiers at sources of funds.

Handa akong gumastos ng malaking halaga manalo lang ako bilang congressman. In case na palarin, mababawi ko ba ang nagastos ko?
Is the Pope Catholic? Sabi nga sa commercial, “Once you pop, you can’t stop!” Two words: pork barrel! Kaching! Kaching!

Natalo ako sa pagka-mayor sa isang siyudad sa Metro Manila noong 2010. Pwede ba akong tumakbo sa probinsya kahit HINDI naman ako doon isinilang, lumaki, nag-aral at naninirahan?
1: Why not? Kung tagaro’n ang lola mo; ang tiyahin ng lola mo; ang kapatid ng tiyo ng best friend ng pinsan mo, o ang dating s’yota ng kapitbahay ng kinakapatid ng kinakapatid ng kinakana ng manyak mong lolo, go!
2: One year residency lang ang kailangan sa batas. Kung isang taon bago mag-eleksyon ay nagtayo ka ng maliit na sari-sari store o kaya ay nagpagawa ka ng kubo para sa tagapag-alaga ng binili mong baboy at kambing, puwede na ‘yon!
3: Additional tip. Don’t just express. Impress. Mag-aral ka ng ilang words and phrases sa tatakbuhan mong lugar para ‘di naman obvious na bagong salta ka. Halimbawa: kung tatakbo ka sa Bicol, dapat alam mo ang phrase na “Lusi mo!” Kung sa Ilocos naman, sabihan mo ang mga tao, “Nabangsit ti butom! Ukininam!” Sa Negros, dapat kabisado mo ang “Iyot mo!” At kung sa bandang Cebu ka naman, aralin mo na ang linyang, “Pisti kang yawa’a ka!” Sakaling mabugbog ka, ok lang ‘yon. Everybody loves the underdog.

Kung ma-disqualify ako ilang araw bago ang eleksyon, ano’ng dapat kong gawin?
Maganda ba ang asawa mo? Makinis? Artistahin? Solb! Patakbuhin mo siya. Pwede ka namang maging chief of staff sakaling siya ang manalo. ‘Di lang ‘yon! Walang batas na nagbabawal na ilagay ang mukha mo sa billboard at tarpaulin. Makakatipid pa kayo dahil 2-in-1 ang mga tarpauling ikakalat n’yo sa buong distrito.

Paano kung ang asawa ko ay hindi maganda, hindi makinis at walang aurang artista?
Pera! Kung siya ay mapera, walang problema. Hindi lahat nadadaan sa ganda. ‘Wag kalimutan ang Golden Rule.

Eh paano kung ‘yong asawa ko, hindi na maganda, hindi pa rin mapera, manalo kaya siya?
Matalino ba siya? May taglay na charisma? May chance siya!

What if ang asawa ko hindi maganda, hindi mapera, walang masyadong utak, at walang charisma?
Bakit mo siya pinakasalan? Mag-concede ka na.

Ano ang dapat kong isuot sa filing ng COC?
Wala sa panlabas na anyo ang paglilingkod. Ito ay nasa puso at isipan. Ito ay kusang mararamdaman ng taumbayan. Pero kung epal ka talaga at gusto mong mapansin, try mong magsuot ng black sheer bodice dress ni Monique Lhuillier. Tiyak na pag-uusapan ka dahil mukha kang tanga!

Sino ang dapat kong isama sa pagpa-file ng COC?
Kung pamilyado kang tao, dapat nandun si mister o si misis para mag-project ng image na maayos ang married life n’yo kahit hindi. Kailangang ma-inspire ang masa sa ideal n’yong pagsasama. A year or two after ng eleksyon, saka na lang kayo umaming hiwalay na.

Important: ‘Wag kalimutang isama ang inyong mga anak sa pagpa-file ng kandidatura. Bagamat in reality ay mas close sila sa kanilang mga yaya, higpitan ang yakap sa mga ito lalo na kung may camera. Remember: the family that files COCs together will appear in tomorrow’s newspaper. Exposure!

Kung nalimutan kong mag-file ng COC, pwede bang humiling ng extension?
Hiyang-hiya naman sa ‘yo ang Comelec. Hindi! Epal ka!

Good luck!
———————————————
“There were so many candidates on the platform that there were not enough promises to go around.”
~ Ronald Reagan

It Figures…
18,022: Number of elective posts that are up for grabs for the 2013 polls
172: Number of party-list groups vying for seats in Congress
Source: Comelec

Quote of the Day
“I want to erase the doubt of the last three fights. There’s so many people still asking if I won the fights. I think to myself, ‘Something is wrong. I have to do it again.’”
~Manny Pacquiao on fighting Juan Manuel Marquez (Via ESPN)

Epal Quiz V
For submissions, email me at epaliticians@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Have a safe and romantic weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Eddie Gil Photo: Newsflash.Org]