M-VP

8 09 2014

1MVB
VICE PRESIDENT Binay is reportedly considering businessman Manny V. Pangilinan as a potential VP bet in 2016. Well-loved in the community, MVP is a good choice for running mate and an even better sanitizer.

Vice President Binay wants businessman Manny V. Pangilinan to be his running mate in 2016. That’s a smart idea.

MVP is being considered by Vice President Binay as a possible running mate in 2016. You know what that means? Unli- funds.

Vice President Binay is considering businessman Manny V. Pangilinan as a potential running mate in 2016. MVP and Binay will be a formidable team. One is a hardworking, revenue-oriented multimillionaire. And the other one is Manny V. Pangilinan.

Maturity
Sen. Nancy Binay says, “It’s just sad that the level of campaigning has not matured.” In response, the “level of campaigning” said, “Look who’s talking.”

God’s Will
According to Sen. Nancy Binay, the presidency is “all about destiny, God’s will.” In a statement, God replied, “Leave me out of your politics.”

Traffic
President Aquino apologized to commuters for the monstrous traffic jams. The apology was late because of traffic.

1BCRelic
A sacred relic called ‘The Holy Face of Jesus from Manoppello’ from Rome will be brought to the country this month. The piece of cloth allegedly with an imprint of Jesus’s face is 500-years-old. To give you an idea of how old the relic is, Senator Enrile was still in grade school when it was discovered.

Royal Baby 2
William and Kate have announced that they’re having another baby – which is not really surprising. That’s what happens when couples are unemployed.

Resigned?
Paolo Bediones has reportedly resigned as news anchor of TV5’s late-night newscast. It was a bold decision.

1BCBilly
TV host Billy Crawford went berserk in a police station in Taguig City on Sunday. Police said Billy was obviously drunk when he went wild. Or in showbiz parlance, “Anne Curtis.”

Billy Crawford underwent inquest proceedings at Taguig RTC Monday morning. He was charged with malicious mischief and disobedience to a person in authority. If worse comes to worst, Billy plans to just enter a plea of “Not sober.”

“It’s Showtime” host Billy Crawford was arrested Sunday when he went berserk inside a police station in Taguig City. Mga Kapamilya, ang term na ‘berserk’ ay unang nag-appear noong 1844. Ito ay nagmula sa salitang ‘berserker’ na ang ibig sabihin ay ‘Norse warrior.’ Madlang pipol… para kay Billy, iskor mo, show mo!
———————————————————————————–
“The political tradition of ancient thought, filtered in Italy by Machiavelli, says one thing clearly: every prince needs allies, and the bigger the responsibility, the more allies he needs.”
~Silvio Berlusconi

Sound Bites
“S’yempre, I’m honored, but also I’m relieved that I wasn’t made ninong, ‘di ba?”
~President Aquino on being Chiz Escudero’s best man

I can’t contain myself if I’m under the influence of alcohol.”
~Billy Crawford

Drink moderately!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Star (MVP), PhilNews.PH (Binay), Philippine Daily Inquirer (Billy Crawford)]





OFFICIAL LIST OF TYPHOONS

22 07 2014

A POTENTIAL TYPHOON has been monitored by PAGASA. It is expected to enter the Philippine Area of Responsibility this week and will be named ‘Inday.’ Everyone should prepare because Inday has been described by weathermen as “masipag,” “mabilis” and “walang tigil sa katatrabaho.”

UNTVWeb
AS IN the previous years, we publish the names of tropical cyclones that continue to threaten the archipelago. This year, the following typhoons made our list.

Typhoon Enrile
Matagal-tagal na rin ang pananatili nito sa Philippine Area of Responsibility at mahaba-habang panahon na ring nananalasa. Mabuti na lang at sa huling monitoring ng PAGASA, humihina na ang bagyong ito. Gayunman, pinag-iingat ang publiko sa anak nitong bagyo.

Typhoon Kris
Napakaingay ng bagyong ito kaya’t ang atensyon ng lahat ng tao ay nakatutok sa kanya. Maraming galit kay Typhoon Kris pero patuloy pa rin nilang minu-monitor ang kanyang galaw.

Typhoon Imelda
Dekada sisenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik.

Typhoon Napoles
Malawak ang dulot nitong pananalanta. Malaking halaga ng ari-arian ang nawala dahil sa kanya.

Typhoon Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Hindi gaanong napapansin ang dala niyang pinsala dahil marami rin namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Inaasahan ang mas malawak na sakop na kaulapan ng Typhoon Binay sa taong 2016.

Typhoon Noynoy
Ang bagyong choosy. Kung supporters niya ang mga residente sa isang lugar, ligtas sila. Kung hindi, babagyuhin niya.

Typhoon Bong
Matagal na palang nananalanta ang bagyong ito bago na-detect ng PAGASA. Nabawasan ang kanyang biktima nang maisapubliko ang kanyang bagsik.

Typhoon Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Typhoon Gigi
Malakas na ulan ang kanyang dala. Luha nang luha ang pucha. Ang drama! May kakabit na bagyo si Typhoon Gigi. Mas malakas sila kung magsasanib-puwersa.

Typhoon Mar
Habang tumatagal, pahina nang pahina ang bagyong ito. Nawawala na sa radar.

Typhoon Abad
Hindi kalakasan pero hindi rin gumagalaw sa puwesto; nananatili lamang siya sa gitna.

And finally…
Typhoon Jinggoy
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod ng lakas ang hangin.

Dear Mother Nature,
Stop sending us destructive typhoons. We already have our politicians.
Love,
Filipinos

1IMImpeachment
On Monday, the Lower House accepted an impeachment complaint filed against President Aquino. Archbishop emeritus Oscar Cruz signed the complaint saying he cannot allow the misuse and abuse of taxes he didn’t pay.

Frontrunner
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, if presidential elections were held today, 4 of 10 will definitely vote for Jejomar Binay. Those four were Bong, Jinggoy, Enrile and Erap.

Graphic
President Aquino has signed the Graphic Health Warnings Law. To raise awareness on the ill-effects of smoking, the legislative measure requires tobacco companies to put the President’s photo on cigarette packs.

1INC
INC Centennial
The influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo kicked off its centennial celebration on Monday, July 21. The event was held at the sprawling, newly-inaugurated tithely-packed Philippine Arena.

In his address at the INC centennial event, President Aquino said, it’s our duty to love one another instead of “propagating misunderstanding.” His speech was titled, “Note to Self.”

At the Iglesia ni Cristo gathering on Monday in Bulacan, several politicians were spotted. I’m not sure about the exact number but it’s close to 2016.
——————————————————————————————-
“LIFE isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,it’s about learning to DANCE in the rain.”
~Vivian Greene

Sound Bites
“For the past 100 years, itinuturo po ng aming simbahan ang kusang pagkakaloob. Ito naman po ay walang pilitan. Kung anuman ang aming nakalap ay nagagamit lamang para sa mga pangangailangan ng simbahan.”
~Bro. Edwin Zabala, INC spokesperson

Poll Results
Matapos marinig ang paliwanag ni Pangulong Aquino ukol sa DAP, alin ang mas matimbang sa ‘yo?

-Desisyon ng Korte Suprema 69.44%
-Paliwanag ng Pangulo 21.03%
-Hindi ko alam ang isyu. Magbabasa muna ako. 9.52%

Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: UNTv Web, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Malacañang]





THE LAWMAKER AND THE SNATCHER

21 06 2014

Journeys to Jail

0
Snatcher
Inakusahang nanghablot ng kwintas ng isang ale; halaga ng kwintas: halos P10,000
Senador
Inakusahang nagbulsa ng pera ng taumbayan; ang kabuuang halaga: P224.5M

Snatcher
Hinabol, tinugis, nakipaghabulan sa pulis
Senador
Tumawag sa chief of police; nakipag-usap tungkol sa pagsuko.

Snatcher
Pumasok sa mataong palengke; hinubad ang suot na t-shirt para ‘di makilala; nagpasikut-sikot, feeling action star ang pucha.
Senador
Nagpa-presscon. Nagsuot ng t-shirt: ‘Kakampi ko si Lord. Walang kokontra.’ Umiyak. Ang action star, nag-drama. (Pucha!)

Snatcher
Inabutan ng humahabol, tiklo! Nasampal pa. O, gago.
Senador
Nahirapang sumakay sa SVU. Ang dami kasing fans na gusto siyang makita. Magkabila ang hilera ng tao sa kalsada. Na-insecure ang Papa sa Roma.

Snatcher
Kinuyog ng taumbayan. Sinipa, dinuraan, sinuntok, sinikmuraan. Duguan. Snatcher kasi.
Senador
Dinumog ng reporters at mga tagahanga sa Sandiganbayan. Pinagpawisan. Maraming kinilig. Artista kasi.

Snatcher
Pinosasan. Kinaladkad patungo sa nanlilimahid na presinto. Hindi ka sikat. ‘Wag nang choosy.
Senador
Nag-file ng motion para makapamili ng detention facility. Siyempre, dapat malinis at cozy.

Snatcher
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Wasak ang mukha. Halos ‘di makilala.
Senador
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Fresh na fresh. Naka-smile pa. Pucha.

MUGSHOTS
Snatcher
Diretso sa seldang pang-apatang preso, pero ang laman, disiotso.
Senador
Diretso sa bagong renovate na seldang tila unit ng condo. Solo!

Snatcher
Deadma kahit mala-sardinas ang kondisyon.
Senador
Biglang nagka-migraine, tumaas daw ang presyon. [Pucha!]

Snatcher
Nakatulog sa sobrang gutom.
Senador
May libreng food! Pritong bangus at ginisang munggo. Boom!

Snatcher
Umiyak ang asawa; paano na raw sila kakain ngayon?
Senador
Umiyak ang asawa… pero ‘di bale, nakatira pa rin naman sila sa mansyon.

Snatcher
Nag-isip-isip. Ang masamang ginawa, ‘di na raw uulitin.
Senador
Nag-isip-isip. Tuloy ang plano: Bong for President sa 2016.

[Pucha!]

Top 8 Movie Projects Rejected By Bong Revilla

No. 8: You’ve Got Jail

No. 7: Kakabakaba Ka Bong?

No. 6: Crame and Punishment

No. 5: Meet the Porkers

No. 4: Bukas Luluhod ang mga Talo

No. 3: Eat, Pray, Rob

No. 2: Live Free or Lie Hard

And the No. 1 movie project rejected by Bong Revilla…

Man of Steal
—————————————————————————-
“Treasures gained by wickedness do not profit.”
~Proverbs 10:2

Sound Bites
“Lalabas ang katotohanan at maaabswelto tayo dito.”
~Bong Revilla, Imus, Cavite 6.19.2014

“We’re accomplishing what some people said was a near impossible task: to have these big personalities who are perceived as untouchable finally prosecuted.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Have a great weekend Filipino taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ANC, Rappler, PNP]





OF HONOR AND BANANAS

24 02 2014

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN MARTINEZ, the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi arrived from Russia Sunday afternoon. The 17-year-old athlete was all smiles as adoring fans and supporters welcomed him. And then things got a bit awkward when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza suddenly appeared in the background.

albie
Malacañang confirmed it has received a courtesy call request from the Philippine Sports Commission. But presidential spokesman Sonny Coloma said there’s no schedule yet since, “Medyo hectic ang schedule ng Pangulo sa darating na linggo dahil sa pagdiriwang ng EDSA 1 at pagpunta sa Malaysia para sa state visit.” You want the President to meet Michael in Malacañang? Here’s a tip: change his name to Janet Napoles.

Congressmen have filed a resolution commending the performance of Michael Christian Martinez in the Sochi Olympics. The lawmakers said, “He definitely did not disappoint our countrymen.” To which, Michael replied, “Sana kayo rin.”

Tito Sotto also filed a resolution commending Winter Olympian Michael Martinez. According to Sotto, “Martinez has proved to Filipinos that with perseverance, determination and hardwork, it is possible to attain and fulfill one’s goals.” I will react to this statement as soon as I’ve verified that the words used were Sotto’s and not someone else’s.

1K
Napoles, Sick?
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has asked the court to allow her to take a medical exam after allegedly experiencing profuse mentsrual bleeding recently. Doctors have yet to confirm if it’s a case of cancer or karma.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera, the suspected pork barrel queen has been experiencing profuse bleeding recently. See? Even her own blood wanted out of her system.

jinPMA
For coming late to class, a graduating PMA cadet (in the running for salutatorian) was ordered dismissed. That’s the claim of Jeff Aldrin Cudia’s relatives. But the PMA insisted the dismissal had something to do with Cudia’s lying about the reason for being late thus breaking the academy’s Honor Code. The PMA’s Honor Code implores its cadets and alumni “not to lie, cheat, steal nor tolerate among them those who do.” And former Major General Carlos Garcia was like, “’Di nga?!?”

PMA 2
Just days after a PMA cadet was dismissed for being late to class, a PSG member was sacked following his arrest in Makati City for possession of several ATM cards and a scanner. Raphael Marcial, a member of PMA Class 2008 was nabbed in front of an automated teller machine (ATM) early Friday night. Sought for reaction, Marcial said, “At least I was early.”

PMA 3
Brigadier General Noel Miano was charged with sexual harassment at the Sandiganbayan for allegedly groping an 18-year-old girl in 2011. He is a member of PMA Class ’81. To be fair to Miano, the PMA’s Honor Code talks about lying, cheating, and stealing only. There’s no groping.

bela
Overseas…
Accused of corruption and human rights violations, Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych was ousted by massive protests in Kiev. Yanukovych was forced to leave the capital together with his children, and wife Imelda Romualdez Yanukovych.

A popular uprising in Kiev has ousted Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych. Sketchy reports say the disgraced leader has fled Ukraine and is headed to either Paoay or Hawaii.

Reigning world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko, is one of the more prominent leaders of the protests in Ukraine. Supporters say Klitschko is qualified to run for president in 2015. They insist that the popular boxer is decisive, brave, and an honest taxpayer.

jinIn Nicaragua…
A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

In Phoenix, Arizona…
A 5-year-old pit bull named Micky mauled a 4-year-old boy. The attack was so vicious everyone in the neighborhood now hates the pit bull – prompting lawyer Raymond Fortun to volunteer as the pit bull’s spokesperson.
——————————————————————-
“Telling the truth may cause a few seconds of pain, but there’s no medicine that can manage the pain of keeping lies.”
~ R.M. Ford

Sound Bites
“If there’s any evidence against me, I will go to jail myself.”
~Joel Villanueva, TESDA director-general and former party-list representative on his alleged involvement in the pork barrel scam

Poll Results
Dapat bang tanggapin bilang state witness si Ruby Tuason?
Yes. 45%
No. 35%
Magbabasa muna ako. Wala akong alam sa issue. 20%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PINOY FIRECRACKERS: A GUIDE (2013)

29 12 2013

HERE’S A GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines.


Noynoy Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Malapit nang mag-celebrate ng 54 years sa market ang firecracker na ito. Ayon sa mga manufacturers, may kakayahan pa naman daw pumutok ang Noynoy Firecracker. Ayaw lang nilang sabihin kung malakas pa ang putok nito.

Noynoy Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Okay lang na maputukan ka ng firecracker na ito. Eh ano naman kung masugatan ka? “Buhay ka pa naman ‘di ba?

Miriam Firecracker
Ang pinakamaingay na paputok. Mag-ingat sa paggamit. Kung ayaw mong masugatan, huwag kang tatanga-tanga.

Enrile Firecracker
Ang unang firecracker na ibinenta sa Pilipinas. Ilang beses na rin itong ipinagbawal ng pamahalaan pero tuwing magpapalit ng administrasyon, nagpapalit rin ng packaging.

Erap Firecracker
Pansamantalang nawala sa market ngunit matagumpay na nakabalik. Muling bumenta at kinagat ng publiko.

Junjun Binay Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Kahit anong pigil mo, kahit ipagbawal ng authorities, puputok pa rin.

Junjun Binay Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Pumuputok lamang ang firecracker na ito kung ang magsisindi ay nakapayong!


Napoles Firecracker (Classic Edition)
Paboritong paputok ng mga senador at kongresista and their chiefs of staff, governors, mayors, at iba pang high-profile personalities. Bidang-bida ang paputok na ito sa kanilang parties and events. (Noon ‘yon.)

Napoles Firecracker (Limited Edition)
Ayon sa advertisement, malakas raw itong sumabog. May kamahalan kasi – pero kapag sinindihan mo na, wala namang tunog. Sasayangin lang nito ang oras mo.

Butch Abad Firecracker
Ang paputok para sa mga close friends at allies ng manufacturer. Kung hindi ka friend, hindi ka bebentahan.

Jinggoy Firecracker
Kahit hindi ikaw ang nagsindi, matitilamsikan ka ng pulbura ng paputok na ito. Damay-damay na.


Mar Roxas Firecracker
Kapag bibili ka nito sa tindahan, kailangang magpakita ka ng sulat mula sa iyong parents bilang patunay na pinapayagan ka nilang bumili. You must remember, the firecracker is illegal, you are just a kid.

Romualdez Firecracker
Mausok ang paputok na ito. Warning: Nakakaiyak ang fumes.

Meralco Firecracker
Laging tumataas ang presyo ng paputok na ito. At kahit hindi naman ikaw ang gumamit, ikaw pa rin ang nagbabayad! Unfair!

Zenaida Ducut Firecracker
Grabe ang kapal ng packaging ng paputok na ito. Kahit idineklarang ilegal, nasa market pa rin. Ayaw talagang mawala.

Pacquiao Firecracker
Sabayan ng sign of the cross ang pagsisindi dahil baka ‘di mo kayanin ang kanyang lakas. Pray ka na lang kay Lord!

Kim Henares Firecracker
Scary ang paputok na ito. Kapag mayaman ka at sinindihan mo ito, hahabulin ka!

Eric Tayag Firecracker
Ang nakaaaliw na paputok. Matapos sindihan, sumasayaw. Highly-recommended for the whole family.

Ruffy Biazon and Ricky Carandang Firecrackers
Inihinto na ang production ng mga paputok na ito. Hindi na raw bumibenta.

Arnold Clavio Firecracker
Ang paputok na madaling mag-init.

erER Ejercito Firecracker
Hindi lang siya basta firecracker. Period. Deadma na lang sa packaging na mukhang Photoshopped.

Anne Curtis Firecracker
Ang nakagugulat na firecracker. Pagkasindi mo rito, nagwawala kaagad. Ingat mga friends!

Freddie Aguilar Firecracker
Lumang klase ng firecracker pero pumuputok pa rin (daw). Ilayo ang mga bata. Delikado.

Wally Bayola Firecracker
(‘Wag na lang ‘to.)
———————————————————————-
“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
~Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“‘Yung mga kritiko ho natin may industriya na ho sa Pilipinas na sa totoo lang ho hindi ba ang dali namang sumulat ka sa papel, banat ka. Talagang kami ho tuksung-tuksong sabihin, ‘kayo nga kaya ang pumunta rito at subukan n’yo ang magagawa n’yo, ‘di ba? Problema ho ni ayaw tumakbo. Bahala na si Lord sa inyo, busy ako.”
~President Aquino to critics

Have a safe 2014! Happy New Year!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ABC, Freepik.com, DOH]





EXCLUSIVE: BINAY’S UMBRELLA BREAKS ITS SILENCE ON DASMA GATE

22 12 2013

THE BINAY SIBLINGS, a mayor and a senator have spoken. The security agency, and the villagers have also released their respective statements. Today, we’ll hear from one of the witnesses whose name has been unfairly dragged into the Dasma Gate controversy.

Please welcome… ang PAYONG.

Untitled2a
Huwag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa. Unang tanong: Kitang-kita ka sa CCTV nang gabing maganap ang insidente. Ano ang ginagawa mo ro’n?

Ang totoo po n’yan, natutulog ako sa likod ng kotse nang oras na ‘yon. Napagod kasi ako dahil halos maghapon akong ginamit. Nagulat na lang ako nang may dumampot sa akin. After a few seconds, katabi ko na ho si Mayor.

Umuulan ba ng gabing ‘yon o kaya umaambon man lang?

Hindi ho.

So bakit kailangang lumabas ka?

Itanong n’yo na lang ho kay Mayor. Ayaw kong mawalan ng trabaho eh.

Fine! Lagi ka bang ginagamit ni Mayor?

Pwede ho bang off-the-record na lang ang sasabihin ko?

Sige.

Lagi nga ho akong pinag-o-OT eh. Maging sa dinner o kaya sa shower, ultimo sa pagdumi niya, nakapayong pa! Ok lang ho ‘yong dinner o shower eh pero ‘yong pagtae, hindi ko kinakaya.

That’s really weird.

Kayo ho ang nagsabi n’yan.

Untitled2a
Anyway, ‘wag na nating pakialaman ang pribadong activities ng amo mo dahil labas na ang publiko d’yan. Balik tayo sa nangyari sa Dasma. Inuulan ngayon ng batikos si Mayor. Totoo bang sinabi niya sa mga security guards ang linyang, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

Medyo unfair ho ang lumalabas sa balita eh. Edited na ho. Malisyoso! Ganito ho ang kumpletong pag-uusap na narinig ko:

*****
“Merry Christmas mga pards! Kasama ko si senadora sa kasunod na kotse. Nagmamadali lang kami. Makikiraan naman d’yan.”

“Sorry sir, pero bawal na ho talagang dumaan. Past 10 PM na. Patakaran ho ‘yan.”

“Nakikita mo ba ako?”

“Oho sir. Pero bawal talaga.”

“Sigurado ka bang nakikita mo ako?”

“Oo naman sir. May ilaw naman eh.”

“Sige nga. Kung talagang nakikita mo ako… lugar ba ako?”

“Hindi!”

“Bagay?”

“Hindi!”

“Hayop?”

“Pwede!”

“T*ng-ina ka ah. Binabastos mo ba ako?”

“Sir, kahit guard ho ako, nag-take naman ako ng Biology noong high school. Ang humans ay hayop din, right? RIGHT!”

‘k. Ituloy na natin! Pagkain ba ako?

“Hindi!”

“Anak ba ako ng pulitiko?”

“Oo!”

“Anak ba ako ng susunod na presidente?”

“Assuming!”

“Ulol! Member ba ako ng political dynasty?”

“Naman!”

“Gago ka ah! Oo o Hindi lang! Political dynasty ba kami?”

“Pass!”

“Sino ako?”

“Tanga ba kayo sir? Oo o Hindi questions lang!”

“Sorry naman. May kapatid ba akong senadora?”

“Sort of!”

“Tarantado! Anong sort of? Inuulit ko: may kapatid ba akong senadora?”

“Oo! Ayan nga ho, nakatayo sa likod ng kotse n’yo!”

“Padadaanin n’yo ba ako?

“Hindi!!! Naku! Time’s up na sir!”

“Ayaw n’yo talaga akong padaanin? Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

“Sorry nga sir, tapos na ang 2 minutes eh.”

Untitled2a
Ibig sabihin, talagang binitiwan ng amo mo ang linyang, “Hindi n’yo ba ako nakikilala?”

To be fair ho kay Mayor, naabutan siya ng time bago niya itinanong ‘yon. So, hindi po counted.

Totoo bang kusa raw sumama sa Makati City Police Headquarters ang mga security guards?

May choice ba sila? Ayaw kong sagutin ‘yan. Mahirap na. Ang sarap-sarap ng buhay na tahimik ‘noh!

May nagpapatanong nga pala, bakit daw blue and white ka? Associated daw kay Mar Roxas ang blue. Mas bagay raw ang itim na payong kay Mayor.

Alam n’yo ho, ‘yan ang problema sa mga kritiko ng amo ko – masyadong pini-personal ang debate; pati hitsura, pinaglalaruan. May na-mention pang komedyanteng kamukha raw. Eh ‘di kayo na ang perfect! Pati kulay ng balat pinagdidiskitahan. That’s racism!

Racism agad-agad?

Sige… melaninism na lang! Hindi ho ikinakahiya ni Mayor na melanin-gifted siya. Kung may problema kayo sa balat n’ya, problema n’yo na ho ‘yon pero ‘wag n’yo itong gamiting isyu laban sa kanya. Masyado kayong namumulitika!

Ano’ng reaksyon mo sa pagkukumpara ng mga tao sa pagpapayong ni Mayor at ni dating First Lady Imelda Marcos?

Sumalangit nawa ang kaluluwa niya.

Sira-ulo! Buhay pa si Mrs. Marcos.

Buhay pa ba? Sorry. Hindi ko kasi naabutan ang pagpapayong niya noon. Tanungin mo na lang si Mayor. Mas familiar siguro s’ya.

Balik tayo sa insidente sa Dasma. Sa palagay mo ba ay tama ang naging asal ng iyong amo nang gabing ‘yon?

Merry Christmas nga ho pala! Marami ba kayong inaanak?

Again, inaamin mo bang mali nga si Mayor?

Grabe ho talaga ang nangyari sa NAIA Terminal 3! Wala talagang silbi ang mga pulis at ang DILG Secretary na ‘yan! Hoy Mr. Palengke, mag-resign ka na!

Huling tanong, bilang eyewitness sa pangyayari sa Banyan gate ng Dasmarinas Village, sa tingin mo ba ay mali ang naging asal ng amo mo?

Naku! I have to go na ho. May nag-text! “Dear Payong, Umuwi ka na. Natatae ako. – Mayor.” BYE!
———————————————————————-
“The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it.”
~Lord Macaulay

Sound Bites
“I am saddened by the statement of the VP that he should have been given courtesy. No amount of need of courtesy will justify your willingness to kill a person just because he did not give you courtesy. You can’t demand courtesy by the barrel of a gun.”
~Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano on the Dasma Village incident

“I am not one who comments on every issue just to get publicity and to advance any political plans. At hindi ko ugaling manira ng ibang tao para lang malagay sa media.”
~Sen. Nancy Binay on Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano’s reaction to DasmaGate

“The sad fact is that people in power continue to find the need to flex muscle at the slightest opportunity, and take umbrage when crossed, and cry malice, cry persecution, when found out and exposed.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer Editorial

Happy Holidays!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer]





SKYFALL. HEIST!

16 12 2013

Untitled2
ANOTHER ROBBERY took place at a branch of SM Supermalls. This time, the heist happened at SM North Edsa on Sunday night. Apparently, the robbers were able to sneak past mall security because they didn’t look like robbers at all. According to witnesses, they looked like lawmakers.

Police say the suspects were so daring they did not even try to cover their faces as they pulled of the robbery. Who the hell did they think they were… congressmen?

According to reports, a concerned President Aquino decided to check on SM North Edsa just a couple of hours after the robbery. When is he going to check on the Senate and the Lower House?

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas says the mall’s CCTV footage is clear and extensive. He’s hoping Jose Mari Gonzales won’t edit it.

Police claim the robbers were captured on CCTV. One robber was old, one was handsome, and another was sexy.

Untitled2
President Aquino and Secretary Roxas both visited the crime scene Sunday night. Roxas was doing his job. Aquino was doing Herbert Bautista’s job.

Last January, there was a similar incident at SM Megamall. The robbers were also identified as members of the so-called Martilyo Gang. HisThory repeats itself.

Secretary Roxas said some P5 million worth of jewelry were stolen from SM City North Edsa. Janet Napoles allegedly stole some P10 billion in pork barrel funds. Martilyo Gang members are confident they would be given the chance to surrender to President Aquino in Malacañang too.

UntitledSkyfall
A Don Mariano passenger bus fell off the Skyway on South Luzon Expressway around 5 am, Dec. 16. Probers put the initial death toll at 22. President Aquino believes the figure is too high.

A revised figure was released Monday evening. Reports said the accident killed 18 people only. The cop who gave the initial death toll was lucky Mar Roxas didn’t order him relieved.

Discovery
Scientists recently discovered fossil remains of a 4.4-million-year-old horse. Apparently, it was the same horse Senator Enrile used to ride back in his youth.

Untitled2Executed
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has had his once powerful uncle executed for alleged corruption – prompting Peping Cojuangco to ask his nephew, Noynoy Aquino, “You’re not eccentric, right?”
————————————————-
“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”
~ Criss Jami

Sound Bites
“Siniguro ng Pangulo na nasa mga pulis ang sapat na kakayahan at imbestigasyon at tiniyak naman niya na ang utos niya na arestuhin ang dapat arestuhin at full force ang dapat mangyari ditO.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas on why President Aquino went to SM North Edsa after the robbery last Sunday

Have a fun and safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA Network, ABS-CBN News/Jacque Manabat, The Guardian]





HYPERSEXUALIZED

5 12 2013

ME
A WEEK AFTER Senator Juan Ponce Enrile exposed Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “psychiatric” report, the lady lawmaker made public Senator Enrile’s criminal record.

In a privilege speech, Senator Santiago said Juan Ponce Enrile was a smuggler, a tax evader, a plunderer, a human rights violator, and a historical revisionist. The entire speech was disappointing! She didn’t tell us anything we didn’t know.

DJ-Enrile
While Senator Santiago was attacking Senator Enrile, the old man was playing Bejeweled. Ibang level ka Tanda!

Reacting to Senator Santiago’s allegation that he’s a “psychopathic hypersexualized serial womanizer,” Senator Enrile said, “Siya mismo ang nagsabing ako ay maasim kaya kung may napilantikan sa aking asim, siguro naman ay dahil mayroon pa naman akong magandang tindig.” Gigi Reyes said, “I know, right?”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Si [Miriam] mismo ang nagsabing ako ay maasim kaya kung may napilantikan sa aking asim, siguro naman ay dahil mayroon pa naman akong magandang tindig.” Apparently, Enrile has a love life; he’s almost 90 years old. What’s your excuse?

According to Senator Santiago, Enrile owns a 441-hectare free port which operates recreational facilities like horse-racing, dog racing, gambling casinos, and golf courses. And Anne Curtis was like, “I’d like to buy that!”

Senator Santiago used words and phrases like “integrity of a hyena,” “hypersexualized,” “rancid genes,” “broken chromosomes,” “asinine,” “oxymoron,” and “non-sequitur.” During Santiago’s speech, Senator Enrile was seen holding a tablet. Jinggoy Estrada was seen holding a glass of water, and Bong Revilla was seen holding a dictionary.

RBResigned
Accused of pocketing almost 2 million pesos in pork barrel funds, former congressman Ruffy Biazon resigned as customs chief. Liberal partymates of Biazon say the embattled ex-solon quit his post out of delicadeza. Again, delicadeza – or as Pogi, Tanda, and Sexy would say, “What’s that?”

Family Day
Over the weekend, the Pacquiao family went to a nearby mall to watch a movie. But the People’s Champ got upset and decided to just go home when he learned that the only film being screened was “Frozen.”

Forever
The 16-year-old wife of Freddie Aguilar vowed to be the folk singer’s “last.” The girl optimistically talks about their future. I just hope Ka Freddie makes it there.

Unfollow
Facebook has unveiled its latest feature that allows users to block content they don’t want to see from their friends. Facebook called this new feature the UNFOLLOW button. To which Twitter said, “Hashtag #Sinotto!”

uefaAnneYareh?
Magazine publisher JR Isaac told the Philippine Entertainment Portal that a miffed (and possibly, drunk or whatever) Anne Curtis slapped some celebrities at the Privé Luxury Club recently. During the incident, Anne reportedly told model Phoemela Barranda, “’I can buy you, your friends, and this club!” The other day, Barranda denied that Curtis uttered those words. Bought.

Odd Job
Pope Francis revealed that he once worked as a club bouncer in Buenos Aires.  Where was Pope Francis when Privé needed him most?
——————————————————————-
“We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them.”
~ George Orwell, 1984

Sound Bites
“He was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

“Hindi ako pumasok ng gobyerno para mandugas or to use government resources to make my life easy and comfortable.”
~COA Chair Grace Pulido-Tan

Drink moderately!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[PHOTOS: ANC, DJ Sta. Ana, RuffyBiazon.Com, PinoyExchange]





PATOLA

28 11 2013

11.25
SENATOR JUAN Ponce Enrile delivered a personal rant privilege speech Wednesday afternoon. He devoted 40 precious Senate minutes to not talking about the pork barrel scam.

In his 20-page speech, Senate majority leader Juan Ponce Enrile lashed out at Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. He called the feisty lawmaker inane, psychotic, deranged, and schizophrenic.  Sought for reaction, Senator Miriam said, “Kaloka s’ya!

On Wednesday, Nov. 27, Senator Enrile delivered a privilege speech. He spent 40 minutes reading a 20-page psychiatric report.

Supporters of Sen. Manny Villar denied rumors they released Senator Santiago’s alleged psychiatric record.

Senator Enrile also mocked Senator Santiago’s performance  in the bar exams. He revealed that her final grade was only 76. Enrile will never forget that number because that was his age when Miriam passed the bar.

Reacting to Senator Santiago’s “May asim pa si Tanda” quip, the 89-year-old lawmaker said, “Hindi ako naaasiman sa kanya.” Apparently, stem cell treatment doesn’t just stop aging. It makes you think and behave like a 7-year-old.

In his speech, Senator Enrile dismissed some of Senator Santiago’s allegations as fabricated. The veteran politician said, “I never murdered anyone during all of my almost 90 years on this planet.” To which, the ‘70s reacted, “Ulol!”

Senator Enrile said he’s never murdered nobody during all of his almost 90 years on the planet. Well, there was almost one. But fake ambush doesn’t count, right?

Senate majority leader Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “I never murdered anyone during all of my almost 90 years on this planet.” When Ferdinand Marcos heard this, he slapped Satan.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago declined to comment on Senator Enrile’s speech. However, she promised to retaliate on December 4. In related news, the Mayan prophecy has been re-scheduled this year.

ALManny vs. BIR
The BIR is going after Sarangani Representative Manny Pacquiao for more than P2B in unpaid taxes. Some lawmakers lament, “How can you do this to our boxing champion? He brought pride and honor to our country.” I guess I have to drop my plans of not filing a complete and accurate ITR next year. I have to bring honor and pride to this country first.

Some lawmakers are criticizing the BIR for doing its job. Are you out of your mind? Have you guys forgotten that the BIR is responsible for collecting billions of pesos you’ll eventually plunder? How ungrateful!

On Manny Pacquiao’s tax evasion case, a furious Mommy Dionisia told ABS-CBN News, “Pira na lang sila nang pira. ‘Yung nangurakot sa gobyerno ba’t ‘di nila tinutukan!” This has prompted Tanda, Pogi, and Sexy to reply, “O, ba’t naman kami nadamay d’yan!”

Abdul Farid
Controversial folk singer Freddie Aguilar has married his girlfriend. Close friends of Ka Freddie say the 16-year-old girl is beautiful; his family says the girl is nice, and ex-congressman Romeo Jalosjos says the girl is old.

ALPEOPLE’s Choice
Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine is PEOPLE Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ for 2013. Better luck next time, Jinggoy.

PEOPLE Magazine has named Adam Levine as the Sexiest Man Alive. A number of people were disappointed with the choice of the Maroon 5 frontman. Well, at least it was not E.R. Ejercito.

Delicadeza
Taking ‘political responsibility’ for a tragic supermarket collapse that killed at least 54 people and injured dozen others, Latvia’s Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis and his government resigned. When President Aquino heard this, he asked, “Don’t they have a previous administration to blame?”
————————————————–
“Age is no guarantee of maturity.”
~Lawana Blackwell

Sound Bites
“I’m very disappointed because what I’m doing is protecting the interest of the government at lahat ng tao dapat sumunod sa batas. Eh ‘di ba congressman siya? Siya dapat ang unang-unang susunod sa mga batas sa Pilipinas, at siya ang unang dapat makaintindi na kung may nilabag siyang batas ay may consequence ‘yan.”
~BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

“Kawawa naman. Political Henaresment ang ginagawa.”
~Sen. JV Ejercito

“He gave inspiration to the victims, ‘tapos gano’n?!”
~ Sen. Tito Sotto

whatever.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA Network, ABS-CBN News, PEOPLE]





“HE’S BACK!”

24 11 2013

napoles
CONGRATULATIONS Manny Pacquiao! You were impressive in that sparring session.

Boxing analysts lauded Manny Pacquiao for his speed. Some typhoon victims wished he was the government.

Did you guys watch the fight? Manny Pacquiao is back! Unfortunately, so is Chavit Singson.

If you looked closely at Manny Pacquiao’s blue trunks, you would‘ve noticed some prominent labels such as No Fear, LBC, Café Puro, Motolite, Ricoa, and Office of the Vice President.

Brandon Rios was simply outboxed. Of the 502 punches thrown, Rios landed 138. But President Aquino told Christiane Amanpour the figure was “too much.”

According to CompuBox, Brandon Rios landed 138 punches. He’s one lucky guy. In the Philippines, people could only dream of punching a lawmaker.

Compubox statistics showed Manny Pacquiao landed 281 punches. But Rios only landed 138 – prompting Korina Sanchez to quip, “hindi mo alam ang ginagawa mo.”

An irritated Rios replied, “You should have visited Macau and watched the fight yourself. I’m sure your husband has the means to arrange a flight.”

Reports say Manny Pacquiao is guaranteed to receive 18 million to 30 million dollars. That’s almost 1.3 billion pesos. Or as Janet Napoles would say, “Maliit!”

Untitled
Mommy Dionisia was at ring side during the Pacquiao-Rios fight in Macau. It was a double victory for Pacman and Pacmom. Aling Dionisia was awarded Best in National Costume.

Jinkee Pacquiao is three months pregnant. According to Manny Pacquiao, God told him (via a dream) he’s going to have a baby boy. Sought for reaction, God said, “Wala akong alam d’yan!”

With Pacquiao’s latest victory, observers predict Mommy Dionisia will probably get a new bag, and Jinkee Pacquiao will probably get a new face.
———————————————————-
“The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory. Thats the essence of it.”
~ Vince Lombardi

Sound Bites
“This isn’t about my comeback. My victory is a symbol of my people’s comeback from a natural disaster, a national tragedy. It’s really important to bring honor to my country with this win.”
~ Manny Pacquiao

Have a safe week ahead! Welcome back Pacquiao!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Getty Images, Michael Josh Villanueva)





OF CORRUPTION AND DONATIONS

17 11 2013

POPE
IN A RECENT sermon, Pope Francis said corrupt people must be tied to a rock and thrown into the sea. Filipinos who welcomed the suggestion still wondered though: Do we have enough rocks?

According to Pope Francis, the corrupt must be tied to a rock and cast into the sea. In totally unrelated news, Tanda, Pogi and Sexy issued a joint statement saying they were good swimmers.

Pope Francis said Christians who donated money to the Church but stole from the state must be tied to a rock and thrown into the sea. Or ocean – just to accommodate everybody.

Popular Online
According to a survey by Global Language Monitor, Pope Francis is the Internet’s most talked about person in 2013. Apparently, the survey was conducted way before Korina Sanchez criticized Anderson Cooper on radio.

Pope Francis is the Internet’s most talked about person this year – while the most talked about food is pork.

noyCeasefire
Reports say Malacañang supports the call for a humanitarian ceasefire with the communist rebels. President Aquino should also back the call for a humanitarian ceasefire with the Romualdezes of Tacloban.

Appeal
During his visit to the town of Guiuan, Eastern Samar, President Aquino appealed to local executives, “Sana lahat mabilis makausap. Maliwanag ang sinasabi. Hindi na magdadaldalan. Lahat kumikilos.” The local execs replied, “Sana kayo rin.”

Looting and robbery in Guiuan has prompted officials to impose a curfew in the town. When are we imposing a curfew in both the Senate and the Lower House?

Donations
Criticized for initially shelling out – what TIME magazine described as an “insulting” US$100,000-donation to the Philippines, China is now sending US$1.64 million in humanitarian aid. Beijing dismissed allegations of indifference to the Philippines saying “We won’t do that to our province.”

Olympic figure skating champion Kim Yu-na of South Korea has donated US$100,000 to the victims of typhoon Yolanda. And China was like, “Whateverrr!”

Arriba!
“In solidarity with the sufferings” of typhoon victims, Colegio De San Juan De Letran-Manila announces two “No-Aircon” days: Nov. 18 and 21. Again, that laudable gesture is for the suffering victims of the typhoon – not for the Letran Knights who suffered another loss to the San Beda Red Lions in the NCAA finals.
———————————————————————-
“Even the smallest act of caring for another person is like a drop of water -it will make ripples throughout the entire pond.”
~ Jessy and Bryan Matteo

Thank you Lakers!

lakera

Sound Bites
“Bilang pangulo n’yo, bawal akong magalit. Maski gaano ang inis ko, dadaanin ko na lang sa asim ng sikmura.”
~President Aquino, Eastern Samar, 11/17/2013

Anderson

Have a safe week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Telegraph.Co, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Lakers.Com]





EXCLUSIVE: NAPOLES BREAKS SILENCE

31 08 2013

janet 1
FOR THE FIRST TIME since her “surrender,” alleged P10-billion pork barrel scam perpetrator Janet Lim-Napoles is breaking her silence. And for the second time in just three weeks, she’ll be grilled by the most outspoken name in talk TV: Krissy.

2:30 PM, August 30, 2013
Makati City Jail

I’m baaaack! How are you naaa? Favorite n’yo talaga ako ‘no? Hay naku, I told Boy and Deo kanina, “Last na talaga ‘toh! Sa susunod you’ll have to pay me naaa.” Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, I’m outside Makati City Jail right now and… gosh, we have bulok jails pala talaga ‘no? How saaad! In a few minutes, I’ll be interviewing Ms Janet Lim-Napoles. I’m sure maraming magtataas ng kilay d’yan dahil pinayagan akong mag-interview. Care bears! Mamatay kayo sa inggit! Unang-una, hindi ko fault na nagri-rate ang interviews ko! At pangalawa, mataas ang commercial load ‘noh! So don’t be nega! Dapat love love love na lang. Teka, ang dami ko na palang sinabi! Wala naman akong kausap. Parang tanga lang. Aha-ha-ha! O, we’re here na! Where’s

Hi po Ma’am Krissy!

Ay! Nakakagulat ka naman! Bigla ka na lang sumusulpot Ms Janet! Sa’n ka ba galing?

Tumae po Ms Krissy!

Yuuuccck! Kadiri kaaa! I hate you naaa! Nag-hand sanitizer ka ba?

Hindi po.

Yuuuuuuucccck! Kadiri ka ulit! Here! I have extra. Sa ‘yo na!

Salamat po Ms Krissy.

Krissy na lang! And pleaaase! ‘Wag mong ipagdiinang ‘Miss’ pa ako. Choice ko ‘yon ‘noh! Start na tayo! How are you naaa?

Heto po. Medyo ‘di nakakatulog.

Medyo lang?!? I saw your mugshots girl! In fairness, parang three weeks ka nang gising. You look haggard naaaa.

‘Yun nga po ang ano eh. Sabi ko sa ano, sa pulis, “Kuya, ‘wag mo na akong piktyuran. Marami ako sa bahay bigyan na lang kita. Pangit ako ngayon.”

nap 2
Pangit ka ngayon??! Bakit? Pwede na bang i-sked ang ganda? I’m sure naloka sa ‘yo ang mga taga-Crame. Anyway, iwanan na natin ang ‘Blusang Itim’ anecdote mo. Let’s talk about your surrender! Anong naramdaman mo nang iannounce ni Kuya Noy na may patong kang 10 million pesos sa ulo?

Noong una, natuwa po ako. Pero nang tingnan ko sa salamin, wala namang nakapatong. So, nalungkot talaga ako.

Feeling ko nagtatanga-tangahan kaaaaa. But to be fair, you’re effortless. Promise. Wait, balik tayo sa events noong Wednesday. Pati ako na-curious. What happened ba talaga?

Ganito po kasi ‘yon. Naka-freeze po ang bank accounts ko sa ano ‘di ba? Eh ano nga po, ‘yon nga, si ano, si Attorney sobrang kulit. Humihingi ng bayad kasi kailangan na raw niyang bumili ng bagong shawl at makeup kit. Ubos na raw ang mascara niya. Eh wala naman akong hawak na pera. ‘Tapos bigla na lang nagsunud-sunod ang threats.

Saan galing ang threats? Senador ba ito? Congressman?

Hindi po. Kay Attorney mismo po! Sabi niya, “’Pag ‘di ako nakabili ng bagong shawl by Saturday, isinusumpa ko, magiging kamukha kita!” Eh naniniwala po ako sa sumpa kaya natakot talaga ako.

Naloloka ako sa kwento mo huh! Hiyang-hiya daw naman sa ‘yo ang lawyer mo! So paano ka napunta sa Malacañang?

Si ano po, si Attorney. Sabi niya, “Sayang ang 10 million! Nandito ka na rin lang, mabuti pa, pumunta ka sa palasyo at ituro mo ang sarili mo!” So gano’n na nga po ang ginawa ko. Pumunta na ako sa palasyo.

Bongga! So, ibinigay sa ‘yo ni Kuya Noy ang 10 million?

Hindi po. Joke lang daw po ‘yon. Wala naman daw talagang 10 million. ‘Bait’ lang daw.

1PALACENAP
Shocks. You’re so kawawa. Hay naku, blame your lawyer! She’s making fun of you naaaa. That woman talagaaaa! Anong next na nangyari nang nasa Malacañang ka?

Nakasalubong ko po si Ochoa at ‘yong bodyguard niya. Sabi n’ya, “Bro, anong ginagawa mo rito? Gabi na ah!” Nakakatawa. Hindi yata nila ako nakilala kasi naka-hoodie at robber shoes ako. Parang tanga lang ‘yong dalawa. Tapos… nang inalis ko ang aking hoodie, napasigaw po si Ochoa, “Ay, putang-ina. Ma’am Janet, ikaw ba ‘yan?” Sabi ko, “Jojo, long time no see ah.” ‘Tapos, ewan ko ba. Bigla na lang tumakbo palabas ng Malacañang ang dalawa. Hahaha

Stop there! This is so like grabe na talaga. Naloka siguro si Ochoa nang makita ka ‘noh? Are you friends?

No comment po Ms Krissy.

Fine! Nagtagal ka ba sa palasyo?

Mga two and a half hours po. Dumating kasi sina Secretary Lacierda, Almendras at Mar Roxas ‘tapos pati si Presidente nakipagkwentuhan pa. Kinilig po ako. Ngayon ko lang siya nameet. Photogenic pala sa malapitan. Then, sumunod rin si Attorney na may bagong shawl. May pera naman pala, nanakot pa. In short, medyo napasarap ang aming kwentuhan.

Winner ka talagaaaaa! Makipagchikahan daw ba sa Presidente?! Gabing-gabi… in rubber shoes and hoodie?!? Bongga ka!!!! ‘Tapos inescortan pa to Crame! Hindi na kita kinakaya! Janet… ikaw na!

Oo nga po eh.

1PALACENAP
In case you’re reading this Kuya Noy, you owe me one uh. You haven’t invited me to Malacañang for months ‘tapos si Ma’am Janet… may red carpet pa! I’m inggit naaaaa. Promiiiiiise! O, balik po tayo sa isyu. Hilong-hilo na kami sa ‘yo! From Heritage Park to Malacañang to Camp Crame to Makati City Jail to Fort Sto. Domingo… ano ‘to moro-moro?

Travel show po. Charot!

Did you just say ‘charot?’ Eeew. You’re so showbiz talaga. Let’s play a game na nga lang.

Gusto ko po ‘yan! Lagi po akong nanonood ng Game Ka Na Ba?

Talaga??? Sige nga, ano ang sinasabi ko kapag magsisimula na ang game?

“Laglagan naaaa!” Charot!

Hay naku, ini-etchos mo lang ako. ‘Hole in the Wall’ ‘yan noh! Sa kabilang channel ‘yan! Start na nga tayo. Janet, Game ka na ba?

Game na!

Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: ‘Ang taong nagigipit…’

Sa palasyo nakikipag-meet?!

I’ll accept that! Next: Ano ang O sa COA?

Ochoa?

Helllllow! Hindi ‘yon tao!

Hayop po si Ochoa?

Ang sloooow! Iba na nga lang. Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: Tell me who your friends are…

And I will be a state witness!

Asa pa you! Aha-ha-ha NEXT: Ano ang N sa NBI?

Naisahan?

Actually! Aha-ha-ha Last na nga lang: Kung si De Lima sa Katarungan, at si Carpio-Morales sa Ombudsman, saan naman si Mar Roxas?

My spokesman? Ay, hindi pala. Sorry po. Sorry po Secretary.

Alam mo, mapapahamak tayo sa ginagawa mo. Moving on… for two weeks, nag-disappear ka. Where did you go ba?

Tutal passed is passed na, aaminin ko na po. Tama po ba ang English ko? Sandali po “passed was passed” pala kasi past tense na. Bahala na. ‘Yon nga po. Tama po ‘yong ano, ‘yong tsismis. Never po akong umalis. Alam ni Attorney ‘yan dahil mismong sa mga pisngi niya ako nagtago. Palipat-lipat po ako sa makapal na foundation  kaya  ‘di masyadong pansinin. Minsan nga po, nagugulat at napapasigaw na lang siya ‘pag nananalamin, “Ay puk*. Anjan ka pala!” Hahaha

untitled
Alam mo, I don’t trust her talagaaaa. Promiiiise! O sha, last question na nga tayo kasi ililipat ka na raw sa Laguna: kung isasapelikula ang life story mo, sino ang gusto mong gumanap sa iyo?

Lani Mercado? Charot!

Stop it! I hate that word. Seryoso ako! Sinong gusto mong gumanap sa biopic mo?

Kayo po Ms Krissy.

Ako?!?!?!?

Hindi po. Kayo!

Uyyyy, buma-Vice Ganda s’yaaa! Ayaw ni Jessica ng ganyan!

Jessica Soho po?

Hindi. Jessica Soho! Aha-ha-ha! Gotcha! Bawi-bawi rin ‘pag may time! Bongga! Sandali! Bakit naman ako?

Pareho po tayong mayaman. Pareho po tayong maimpluwensya. Pareho po tayong sikat. Pareho po tayong close sa mga pulitiko at pulitika. At tayo po ay magkasing-ganda.

Excuse meeee! We’re not!

Sige na nga po. Ikaw lang ang tunay na maganda!

Yeyyyyyyyy!!! I love you naaaa!

Charot!

[End of Interview]

1K
FORT STO. DOMINGO
Sta. Rosa, Laguna

Advisory
This will be the schedule of visit. Please be guided accordingly.
Monday: Senators and Staff
Tuesday: Congressmen and Staff
Wednesday: National and Local Government Officials
Thursday: Members of the Clergy and Friends in the Judiciary
Friday: Friends in the Mass Media
Saturday: Friends in Showbiz
Sunday: Immediate Family

Note: The visit must be confirmed two days ahead of schedule.
Mahigpit na ipinagbabawal ang pagdadala ng sumusunod: lagare, maso, martilyo, spade (pala), pako, kutsilyo, screwdriver, baril, backhoe, at bathtub.
Maraming salamat po.
———————————————————————————–
“Going to jail is the failure of the individual to realize his limitations as a criminal.”
~ Bauvard, Evergreens Are Prudish

1KSound Bites
“Janet Lim-Napoles is just a normal person – like you and me.”
~ Lawyer Lorna Kapunan

Have a great September!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





BEBE GERR, BEJEWELED, BASKETBALL

11 08 2013

AFTER the spate of bombings that killed at least 15 people, attention has shifted yet again to Mindanao. And pork barrel scammers were like, “Awesome!”

Pork Barrel Scam
Alleged pork barrel queen Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles insisted her wealth came from legitimate business. For the bad publicity she has been getting of late, Napoles is blaming her enemies: the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, and the truth.

Former AFP Director General Hermogenes Esperon Jr. debunks his former business partner Janet Lim-Napoles’ claim that her wealth came from coal – although it’s close. It’s also dark.

Former congressman Prospero Pichay has vouched for the goodness of character of the Napoles couple and refuses to believe they had anything to do with the pork barrel scam. Because if there’s someone who’s in a position to best defend a suspected crook, it has to be a person of untarnished reputation, good morals, and unimpeachable character like Prospero Pichay, right?

Ex-solon Prospero Pichay defended Janet Lim-Napoles and her husband against allegations they masterminded the P10-B pork barrel scam. In other news, Kim Kardashian says Lindsay Lohan is the best role model for today’s youth.


Janet Lim-Napoles’ husband, retired marine major Jaime Napoles says daughter Jeane’s social media posts showing her lavish lifestyle (the Porsches, the Louis Vuittons, the Chanels, the jewelry, etc) was part of “a school requirement.” Mr. Napoles should try showbiz. He’s got a bright future in comedy.

Last Wednesday, the Bureau of Internal Revenue said it has started to probe into Janet Lim-Napoles’ assets and taxes. On Thursday, the Napoleses sponsored a mass.

Janet Napoles sponsored a mass last Thursday. Her trusted friends, including some from the mainstream media were all present. Sought for comment about the event, God said, “I wasn’t invited!”

When one of the whistleblowers, Benhur Luy first surfaced, Janet Lim-Napoles zeroed in on his sexuality and described him as “confused.” Luckily for Benhur, Pope Francis was on his side.

Both the Senate and the Lower House have rejected calls to investigate the reported PDAF scam. Those implicated were not even made to explain. It’s a walk in the pork for them.

1Techie JPE
During a Senate committee hearing, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was photographed playing ‘Bejeweled’ on his iPad. It was one of the side effects of stem cell treatment.

While at work, former Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile was caught playing ‘Bejeweled.’ Ibang level ka!

Same Sex Adultery
Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman Jr. has filed a bill that seeks to penalize same sex adultery. In totally unrelated news, the Albay representative dismissed rumors he’s at odds with the Albay governor.

Curiosity
This week marks the first anniversary of the Curiosity rover’s successful landing on Mars. In Japan, the first talking robot has just been sent into space. What’s next? A private American group is looking forward to successfully sending a married couple to Mars. That’s what’s happening in other countries. We don’t have that technology here in the Philippines. Hell, we can’t even send one corrupt lawmaker to jail!

Gilas Pilipinas
The Philippine basketball team has qualified for the FIBA World Cup in Spain next year. In the gut-wrenching semifinals game, Gilas Pilipinas beat South Korea, 86-79. Filipinos are probably among the happiest people on earth today… next only to North Koreans.
————————————-
“Greed is like a dark side of every man, and you could not see it from the appearance of a man, but in the inside the greedy beast already dominating you.”
~ Steven Eric Chen

Sound Bites
“Iyon nga ho ang ikinasasama ng loob namin kasi mga magulang kami, pati mga anak namin nadadamay. Bilang magulang, gusto ko lang namin mabigyan ng magandang edukasyon ang anak namin.”
~ Retired marine major Jaime Napoles on the criticisms hurled against his daughter Jeane

Have a great week ahead! Let’s keep talking about the pork barrel scam. Please.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EXCLUSIVE: THE SUSPECTED MASTERMIND

7 08 2013

THE SUSPECTED mastermind in the P10B pork barrel scam requested to be interviewed to clarify some issues on the controversy. We wanted the interview to be as straightforward, and as honest as possible so we asked Vice Gandah to do it. Here’s the unedited transcript of their conversation.

1
Mga kaibigan, hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa dahil busy ako. Please welcome… the woman of the hour… Jerenny Lin-Napolish!

Hello Bice! Thank you por inbiting me here.

Kung maka-inbiting ka naman ‘teh! Nangangagat ka? And correction please: hindi ka namin ininvite! You paid requested for this interview.

Hindi naman po. Gusto ko lang pong ipaliwanag ang panig ko. Masyado na po kasing nasasaktan ang pamilya ko sa pagmumura, panghuhusga, at panlalait ng mga tao eh.

So matapos ma-expose ang P10 billion scam, umaasa ka pa ng respeto at papuri ng publiko? Gano’n?!

Ano po kasi, wala po akong

Bakit ba “po” ka nang “po?” Anak ka ba ng action star??! Tatakbo ka rin sa Senado?? Sa totoo lang, napa-plastikan kami sa po at opo mo. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sige po.

Punta na tayo sa kinasasangkutan mong iskandalo. May lumabas na pictures kung saan kasama mo ang dalawang senador na nadadawit sa pork barrel scam. Nasa isang party kayo at abot-tenga ang inyong ngiti. Kilala mo ba sila?

Minsan po kasi nagkakar

Hay naku! Wala akong time makinig sa ka-etchosang sagot. Oo o Hindi lang! Kilala mo ba ang dalawang senador?!

Hindi po.

Owwws? Tamaan ka man ng kidlat ngayon?

Opo.

As in ngayon na?

Opo. (5… 4… 3… 2…1) See, wala pong nangyari!

Gaga! Ang taas-taas ng sikat ng araw, paanong magkakakidlat!?! Helllllow! Ito na lang: nabanggit n’yo sa isang interview na ni piso, as in NI PISO, wala kayong kinuhang pera sa gobyerno. Hindi ba kayo kinikilabutan sa pinagsasasabi n’yo?

Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo. Baka kasuhan kita ng libelo.

Agad-agad??! Nagtanong lang ako, libelo na? ‘Di ba pwedeng sumagot ka muna? Let me reword para ‘di masyadong masakit. Sabi mo, ni piso wala kang kinuha sa pondo ng gobyerno. Via Twitter, may question si Pangulong Aquino: saan daw po kaya kayo kumukuha ng kapal ng mukha at tibay ng sikmura para sabihin ito?

Kay Lord po. Dahil alam kong kakampi ko si Lord.

Sinagot mo talaga ang tanong! Iba ka! Pwes, since nag-name drop ka na rin lang, tamang-tama, may surprise ako sa ‘yo! Nasa linya natin si Lord right now… kausapin mo siya!

Ngayon na?

Hindi! Kung gusto mo next week o kaya next year para mainip siya sa kahihintay at sunduin ka niya in person! Sabi ko right now ‘di ba? Gow!

Sige na nga! Ahmmm… Hello? Lord?

- SINO ‘TO?

Si Jerenny Lin-Napolish ito Lord!

- ‘WAG MO ‘KONG MA-LORD, LORD! ‘DI KITA KILALA!

Lord, ako ‘yong malaking mag-donate sa simbahan. Remember?

- ABA, NANUHOL KA PA! BYE!

1JLN
Naku, mukhang galit si Lord. Ayoko na pong makialam d’yan dahil away n’yo ‘yan. Proceed na lang tayo sa next question. Sa gitna ng kontrobersyang ito, kumusta na po si baby gerr, si Jane?

She’s pine.

She’s pine? Kelan pa ho siya naging puno? Chos! Napanood ko ho ‘yong report ng TeeeeeeVeeeeee Patrol. Grabe naman kayong mag-gift sa inyong anak. Ano nga ho ‘yong birthday gift n’yo sa kanya?

Pors. Dalawa.

Dalawa?! Wow. Magkano naman ho kada wallet?

Hindi ho wallet ang Pors, kotse ho ‘yon.

Ahhhhh…. Porsche! Eh kasi naman Pors kayo ng Pors sa interview! Akala ko tuloy pitaka! Nakakaloka! Nabasa ko rin ang posts ni Jane sa Instagram. Grabe naman siyang mag-shopping! Namamakyaw!

Can afford naman po kami. ‘Tsaka cheap lang naman ang type ni baby gerr, Louie Biton, Beriberry at Tsanel.

Anong channel ho ba ‘yon? Joooooke! Oo nga naman. If you have it, flaunt it. Talking about Jane, balita ko magna cum laude ang anak n’yo. Nagmana ho ba siya sa inyo?

Naku hindi naman.

Kasi ho “magna” rin kayo eh.

Alam ko ang iniisip mo! Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo bakla ka! Baka kasuhan kita ng libelo!

Kung maka-bakla naman kayo. Kailangan talagang isigaw na bakla ako? Itinago ko ho ba ‘yon? Helllllow!!!! Balik tayo sa isyu. Ayaw ng Senado na imbestigahan ang pork barrel scam. Ano ang masasabi mo?

Ako ay nagpapasalamat sa magigiting nating senador. Hindi ako nagkamali ng pagsuporta sa kanila. Tama ang kanilang desisyon! I love you all!

Pero si Senator Mirriam, gusto hong ipatanggal ang pork barrel.

Napakabobo po talaga ng senadorang ‘yan. Siya po ang pinakabobo sa lahat. Kapag inalis ang pork barrel, kawawa ang mga magsasaka, ang mga foundations, at ang mga NGOs. Kaya nakikiusap ako sa mga kaibigan ko sa Senado at Kongreso, ‘wag kayong pumpayag na iabolish ang pork barrel! Pleeeeeeeeeeeease.

1italy

Kung maka-please ka naman, parang ang laki ng mawawala sa ‘yo! Maglaro na nga lang tayo! We will play Pinoy Henyo! Ikaw ang manghuhula.

Naku! Peyborit ko ‘yan! Anong word?

Tanga! Ikaw nga ang huhula, bakit ko sasabihin sa ‘yo?! Ang mystery word ay ipapakita natin sa mga readers. Sila lang at ako ang nakakaalam. Let’s begin!

“PORK BARREL”

Tao ba ‘to?

Hindi!

Bagay?

Oo!

Gusto ko ‘to?

Pak!

Marami ako nito?

Sabi sa reports, oo raw!

Madali bang magkaroon nito?

Pwede.

Pwede ba itong nakawin?

Of course!

Kahit sino pwedeng magnakaw nito?

Hindi!

Ikaw ba Bice nasubukan mo nang magnakaw nito?

Excuuuse me! Speak for yourself!

Nililinaw ko lang po naman. Pwede ba itong nakawin ng senador, congressman, governor, mayor, fake NGOs at bogus foundations?

Naman!

Ang hirap huh! Wala akong idea! As in walang-wala. Teka… may kaugnayan ba ito kay Bongga Villa?

Oo!

May kaugnayan ba ito kay Jeng Goy Espada?

Siyempre! You have 5 seconds left…

Pati ba artista, TV o radio hosts at reporter, posibleng magkaroon ng ganito?

Indirectly! Pak! Pero hindi naman lahat.

Alam ko na!

Sorry. You’re time’s up. Ano bang answer mo sana?

Lipo by Vicki Belo.

Engot! Ghost NGOs, nagnanakaw ng lipo? Para kang timang!

Timang? Hahahahaha!

Kung makatawa naman ‘to! Last two questions na lang po… hypothetical lang… again, HYPOTHETICAL lang: kung mamamatay kayo ngayon at sa impiyerno kayo pupunta… sino ang gusto mong kasama? Isa lang.

Isa lang?

Hindi! Kung gusto mo dalawa! Two Houses of Congress dahil you all deserve to be there anyway!

Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo, baka kasuhan kita ng libelo.

Ano nga ho pala ang mensahe mo sa ‘yong anak na ayon sa mga abogado mo ay “unfairly” dragged sa isyung ito?

Ah, Jane, baby gerr… we lab you. Sorry kung nadadamay ka. ‘Wag mo na lang silang pansinin. Wala kang kasalanan! Para mawala ang lungkot mo, lumabas ka ng condo mo d’yan sa LA. Shopping shopping din ‘pag may time. Lab you baby gerr.

At ano naman po ang message n’yo sa publiko?

Message ko sa mga Pilipino?

Hindi! Message mo sa mga Nepalese, sa mga Jamaicans o kaya sa mga Ethiopians… kasi concerned sila sa nangyayari sa Pilipinas. Go!

Sa inyo pong lahat, nais ko

Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinakaya! Continue…

Wala pong katotohanan ang ibinibintang sa akin. Wala po akong transaksyon sa gobyerno. Wala po akong kakilalang pulitiko. Malinis ang pinagkunan ng aming yaman. Lalabas din ang katotohanan. At sa mga nagkakalat ng kasinungalingan… bahala na sa inyo si Lord. [Biglang kumulog at kumidlat]

["ULOL!" - Lord]

Maraming salamat Madam Jerenny Lin-Napolish sa inyong time. Wait lang po, super last na… may nag-text! From Jaime Augusto Gokongwei Zobel Razon… “Pakitanong kay Mrs. Jerenny Lin, Kung talagang mayaman siya at miyembro siya ng alta sociedad… ano ang spelling ng ‘Porsche?'” REACTION po n’yo…

Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo Jaime Augusto, baka kasuhan kita ng libelo!

-End of Interview-
——————————————————–
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Kung mamamatay ngayon ang lahat ng senador, kongresista, gobernador, mayor, at mga kasabwat nila sa pagnanakaw ng pork barrel funds, magkakaroon ng shortage ng ataul.

Elsewhere
“Government alone cannot stop corruption, it needs the public to help in it. It needs the outrage of the people to stop it. It needs the fury of the people to stop it. It needs the condemnation of the corrupt by the people to stop it.”
~Conrado De Quiros, An Education

“It is clearly intended to stop journalists like us from continuing with our reports and dropping our investigations.”
~Rappler replies to Napoles’ lawyers’ libel threat

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





SONA #4 (KAPAL NG MUKHA ATBP. KWENTO)

23 07 2013

untitled
PRESIDENT AQUINO delivered his fourth State of the Nation Address Monday, July 22. He enumerated his administration’s accomplishments and agenda. He was straightforward. He was specific. No-frills, no drama, no Freedom of Information Bill.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer noted that the President’s speech was interrupted at least 90 times with applause. The President did not mention anything about the FOI Bill. That received the loudest and longest round of applause from lawmakers.

It was a long speech. He spoke for 1 hour and 42 minutes – setting a personal record for the longest period spent without lighting a cigarette.

President Aquino had a long speech, one hour and 42 minutes to be exact according to reports. While the President was fighting corruption, attendees were fighting sleep.

Tuwid na Daan
Of his anti-corruption drive, President Aquino said, “May mga nagtatanong po lagi sa akin: paano kapag bumaba ka na? Tapos na rin ba ang tapat na pamamahala? Tapos na ba ang tuwid na daan?” And Vice President Binay was like, “Ang sakit n’yo namang magsalita!”

On the issue of PDAF or pork barrel, the President vowed, “Tutungo tayo kung saan tayo ituturo ng katotohanan, ebidensya ang magdidikta sa ating mga hakbang.” Janet Lim-Napoles’ heart skipped a beat.

untitled“Kapal ng Mukha”
Without naming names, President Aquino chided Bureau of Customs employees for missing their targets and conniving with smugglers. The President described them as incompetent and ‘makapal ang mukha!’ To which one Customs employee replied, “Excuse me! Hindi kami incompetent!”

It’s just a shame that corruption has become a custom in the Bureau of Customs.

After President Aquino’s speech, Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon did what he felt was right: he prayed, he offered his resignation, and he unfollowed the President on Twitter.

After the President’s tongue-lashing of the Bureau of Customs in his SONA, Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon vowed to implement drastic measures in the agency. First up: exorcism.

Tourism
The President cited a Shanghai Morning Post article in which the Philippines was described as the ‘Most Romantic Destination of 2012.’ He’s really thankful for that although he can’t relate.

The President also mentioned other international magazines which named the Philippines the ‘Best Island,’ the ‘Best Tourism Destination,’ and the ‘Best Diving Destination.’ He forgot to mention Quezon City’s Commonwealth Avenue: the Final Destination.

Erap and Sons
Addressing the issue of the feud between his sons Jinggoy and JV, Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada said, “We are one.” No Erap, you are six.

untitledThe Royal Baby
Prince William and Kate Middleton have a new baby! Insiders say the baby boy has Kate and Pippa Middleton’s face, and Princes Charles’, Prince William’s and Prince Harry’s penis.

I am actually worried about the future of this Royal baby. His parents are jobless.

Kate Middleton has given birth to a healthy baby boy. William and Kate have yet to announce the baby’s name but anytime now Julian Assange and Edward Snowden would leak the name to the public.

Dear William and Kate, don’t name your baby Joffrey. Please don’t!

By the way, the Philippines has a Royal baby too. His name is Bimby, son of the Queen of All Media.
————————————-
“I’m not afraid of the opinions of others – but of being needed and coming up short …”
~John Geddes

Sound Bites
“Ako, nakaramdam ng hiya, dahil hindi naman ako makapal ang mukha, agad-agad akong nagbigay ng pahayag na nag-alok ng pagbibitiw.”
– Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters and Glamour]








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