BUSY WEEK

5 06 2012


BREAKING: The Transit of Venus happened earlier today. The phenomenon happens when the planet passes directly between the sun and the Earth. This will be the last Transit of Venus of the century. The previous century’s Transit of Venus happened in 1882 and it was witnessed by the very young Juan Ponce Enrile and the even younger Serafin Cuevas.

IT’S A VERY BUSY week for President Aquino. I’m not forcing you to believe me but it looks like it.


President Aquino will visit London, Washington DC, and Los Angeles. The working visits are expected to boost the country’s security, the Philippine economy, and his State of the Nation Address.

The President is in London right now. He met with British Prime Minister David Cameron who brought with him the person closest to his heart, his wife Samantha Sheffield. Not to be outdone, President Aquino brought with him DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas.

The President is also expected to see American Idol Season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez in Los Angeles. It’s the highly anticipated meet-up between today’s most popular & respected Filipino, and President Aquino.

Noy & Rene
Interviewed live on TV Patrol, President Aquino described Renato Corona as “(ang) mukha ng mali sa hudikatura.” But the interview got a little awkward when he described Niel Tupas as “(ang) mukha ng tama sa lehislatura.”

SB’s GF
House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says he’d rather reveal his girlfriend than make public the details of his SALN… to the utter disappointment of President Aquino who couldn’t accept the fact Belmonte’s got a girlfriend.

Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.

School Opening
Classes in public schools have resumed. And you know classes are officially back when the rain begins to fall; you see groups of kids in uniform, and the DPWH starts making road repairs.

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala na ring chalk.”

No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Si John Lloyd ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay sina Angelica at Derek?”

No. 3: “Pasensya! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor eh. Parating daw ang malakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na. Hala, umuwi na kayo!”

No. 2: “Girls, boys… dating gawi. Section A sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra!”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…

“Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng The Avengers? Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”

Lawmaker Sha
Sharon Cuneta tweeted that Senators Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Jinggoy Estrada “want” her to run for senator. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the two lawmakers.

Overseas
In London… Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th year on the throne. In 2046, the Binays will celebrate theirs in Makati City.

In Florida… A 34-year-old woman attacked her 27-year-old boyfriend for refusing to have sex with her. President Aquino described the victim as stupid.

In Egypt… former President Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison. Still pending before the courts is a tax evasion case against his eldest son, Mikey Mubarak.
———————————-
“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“On the Senate impeachment vote, in the end, history will judge us.”
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
C: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
D: Sen. Bongbong Marcos

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer: B





CORONA AND THE QUEEN OF ALL MEDIA

23 05 2012

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.


Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?

(Silence)

Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?


Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?

(Silence)

Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.

Weh?

Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha


Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)

(Silence)

Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?

(Silence)

Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?

Agree!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!


Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
—————————————–
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ANONYMOUS

18 05 2012

Half-Filipina Jessica Sanchez is through to the finalé of American Idol Season 11. Two weeks back, Manny Pacquiao declared that she would win the title “in Jesus’ name.” I hope Pacman was not misquoted. Good luck Jessica!

“Ako ay natutuwa at nagpupugay sa tagumpay ng kababayan nating si Jessica Sanchez. Ang kanyang talento ay tunay na ikinararangal nating lahat. Nawa’y makamit niya ang titulo sa susunod na linggo. Karangalan siya ng ating bansa. Mabuhay ka Jessica!”
~ (Insert politician’s name here)

ANONYMOUS, an impeachment trial regular granted this blog a quick interview via Facebook chat. But ‘Anonymous’ remains evasive despite his/her newfound fame. Here are excerpts from the exclusive conversation.

Kumusta ka na?

Heto, malihim pa rin.

Sino ka ba talaga?

Secreeeet.

Sige, kung ayaw mong ‘pakilala, ano na lang ang gender mo?

Depende. Minsan, nag-aanyong small lady ako. Minsan naman, presidente ng bangko. Depende talaga sa sitwasyon eh. At depende sa kukuha ng serbisyo ko.

Saan ka ba nakatira?

Depende rin. Pero lately, napapadalas ako sa mga gate.

Gate nino?

Depende pa rin. Pwedeng gate ng kongresista o kaya gate ng civil society leader. Walang permanente eh.

Last Wednesday, galit na galit sa ‘yo si Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Nabulyawan tuloy si Harvey Keh. Anong reaksyon mo?

Naloka nga ako kay senadora. Talak nang talak. For a brief moment, akala ko a-appear si Mon Tulfo to take photos. ‘Buti na lang, wala siya sa Senado. Otherwise, baka may naganap na namang bugbugan. Kaloka.

“Naloka” ka? A-ha! Babae ka ‘no?

Secreeet!

Ipapadampot ka raw ni Senator Santiago sa PNP at AFP.

Ha-ha-ha Bakit? May ideya ba sila sa hitsura ko? Eh ‘yun ngang Palparan at Joel Reyes na nasa diyaryo halos araw-araw ang mukha, ‘di nila mahuli-huli, ako pa kaya? Isang malaking good luck!

Marami ka raw alam tungkol sa bank accounts ni Chief Justice Corona? Saan mo ba kinuha ‘yong mga impormasyon na ‘yon?

Depends. Iba’t iba ang source ko eh.

Are these verified sources?

Depends.

Anong depends? Either your sources are credible or not!

I will not rely on dubious sources! Your assertion is totally baseless.

You are now arguing with the blogger/interviewer!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted!

Noted.

Noted your face! Sumasagot-sagot ka pa! Gusto mo talaga ikaw ang may last word. Now, let me reform my question. Kilala mo ba si Congressman Umali, si Harvey Keh o si Bolet Banal?

No.

Kung ‘di ka nila kilala, bakit tumanggap sila ng envelope mula sa ‘yo?

I am not competent to answer that question.

Sinungaling!

Kung ‘di ka pala naniniwala sa akin, eh ‘di tapusin na natin ang interview na ‘to!

Again, you’re arguing with the interviewer/blogger!

I’m sorry. Mea culpa again.

Apology accepted again at ‘wag kang maka-noted-noted dahil hindi ka si Kiko Pangilinan!

‘K.

Any final message sa mga nagbabasa ng panayam na ito…

Mga kababayan, unawain po ninyo kung bakit hindi ako makalantad. Kailangan ko ng seguridad. Ayokong ma-Alfred Mendiola alias Bading. Sa tamang panahon, malalaman n’yo rin ang tunay kong katauhan.

Siguro bading ka rin ‘no?

Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

Homophobic! Humanda ka sa LGBT!

Oh, I’m sorry. Mea culpa.

Apology accepted.

Nota! I mean, noted!

-End of Interview-

From the Tabloids!

PNoy at Grace Lee, friends na lang
> Katulad ng inaasahan

PNoy kay CJ: Walang personalan
> Silang dalawa, ‘di ba pwedeng magkaibigan?

Pacman hinamon ng suntukan ng mga beki
> Ah ito talaga, ‘di pwedeng friends

Pagbatikos ni Manny sa mga bakla, oks sa CBCP
> The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Pacquiao: Hindi ako galit sa mga bading
> CBCP nawalan ng kakampi

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> Ayaw nila; takot sila kay Pacquiao

Mga bakla at tomboy sa gobyerno pinalalantad
> DepEd secretary pumalag

$12M ni Corona ‘di kasinungalingan – Ombudsman
> Baka “gawa ng demonyo?”

Kulang sa sukat, puwedeng mag-pulis
> Sukat ng t’yan?

Dahil sa titig, sekyu patay
> If looks could kill, it will

Turistang Intsik sa PH, pinauuwi na ng China
> ‘Yong mga drug traffickers na Intsik, isama n’yo na!

Claudine, handang bigyan ng ‘psychological treatment’ ng Gabriela
> Psychologically ill s’ya?

Ex-PGMA magpapasuri sa puso
> Nagli-leak ulit? Ooops, puso pala. Akala ko s*so. Mea culpa

Batas vs premature campaigning ikakasa
>Bong, Chiz, Cynthia Villar at Joel Villanueva ng Tesda, naalarma

Good News: Ate Shawie, ‘di na napipikong tawaging balyena
> Bad News: Mga balyena, napikon nang tawaging Shawie!

Helen Gamboa, takot sampalin si Susan (Roces)
> Si Sharon na lang daw, pwede?

Bong, pinayuhan si Alma sa pagpasok sa Senado
> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi, walang bait sa sarili

Lani Mercado, ‘di tatakbong senador
> Thank you!

Alma Moreno tatakbong senador
> No, thanks.

(Thanks to Remate, Abante Tonite, Abante, Hataw, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pinoy Parazzi)
———————————————-
“The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.”
~ Marla Maples

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“Final three na! Go Jessica Sanchez! Make our country proud! Meanwhile, if CJ Corona testifies truthfully, final episode na rin… :)”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Miro Quimbo
C: Cong. Erin Tañada
D: Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer:
C: Cong. Erin Tañada via Twitter





82

15 05 2012


BREAKING: Below is the Devil’s official statement with regard to the recent developments in the Corona Impeachment Trial.

“Mainit na pagbati sa inyong lahat! Ako ay labis na nalulungkot sa pangyayaring ito sa Senado.

Nitong mga nakaraang buwan ay tinangka kong itago ang multimilyong dolyares ni Chief Justice Renato Corona sa publiko at lalung-lalo na sa impeachment court. Gayunman, ako ay nabigo.

I’m still in a state of shock. Naghahanap pa rin ako ng kasagutan. Bakit kailangang ipatawag at iharap ng Depensa sa paglilitis ang matandang babaeng ‘yan? To say that I’m upset is an understatement! Gusto kong pumatay.

With defense lawyers like that, who needs the prosecution?

To Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales, you ARE pathetic! Ang tanda-tanda mo na, nagpapagamit ka pa sa kabutihan! Eeew. Magtirik ka na ng kandila! Ipagdasal mong huwag tayong magkasalubong sa mall, sa NAIA, sa Korte Suprema, o sa Serendra, tatamaan at tatamaan ka sa akin!

Ngunit hindi rito nagtatapos ang laban. Hindi ako susuko. Gagawa ako ng paraan upang lituhin ang publiko sa mga susunod na araw. Tatapatan ko ang PowerPoint report na ‘yan ng Audio-Visual Presentation in 3D! Lintek lang ang walang ganti!

Hate hate hate,
The Devil

P.S. Kinumpirma rin kahapon ni Derek Ramsey na break na sila ni Angelica Panganiban. At least, hindi ako na-zero for the day. Love is overrated! You guys made the right decision. Yehey!


Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales revealed that Chief Justice Renato Corona had 82 accounts in five banks with at least 10 million dollars in “transactional balances.” Corona has since denied the allegations saying the accounts belonged to his younger brother, Iggy Corona.

Citing evidence from the Anti-Money Laundering Council (AMLC), the Ombudsman revealed that Chief Justice Corona had 82 US dollar accounts with at least $10 million in bank deposits. And all he could afford were leaking condo units??

According to AMLC, Chief Justice Renato Corona had 82 dollar accounts. And in a shocking turn of events, China declared it owned those dollar accounts!

CJ Corona’s Official Statement
(And what he REALLY wanted to say)

The initial testimony of the Honorable Ombudsman is quite unfortunate, if not very malicious.
(Midas and I were about to have our merienda yesterday afternoon when I saw her on TV. Nawalan ako ng gana. Hindi ako nakakain.)

I don’t know how she came up with her own mathematical equation.
(She doesn’t even know how to use MS Word, how was she able to come up with a PowerPoint presentation? Dubious!)

She made a hodgepodge out of the accounts, making her numbers chaotic.
(Pucha, paano nila na-discover ‘yon?)

The number of accounts alone is at best ridiculous.
(It’s not 82. It’s 81, morons!)

Her PowerPoint diagram is a lantern of lies which only messed up her presentation, contrary to what some believe now as damning evidence.
(Nalito ako sa dami ng graphics. Ang gulo pa ng isip ko habang pinanapanood ang testimony. Na-confuse tuloy ako.)

Either she does not know what she is talking about, or is purposely misleading the Impeachment Court and the public.
(Alam kong malaki ang inggit mo sa akin dahil ‘di ka na-appoint na Chief Justice. But come on, ‘di ka pa rin ba nakaka-move on?)

Is she even privy to how the AMLC arrived at the bloated numbers?
(“Bloated” I have to use this term. Mahirap na. Baka kapag sinabi kong I have NO dollar accounts, lalo akong madiin.)

We will debunk all her bloated numbers.
(Again, “debunk.” I didn’t say “deny.”)

And once she is proven wrong, I urge her to immediately resign from her post for allowing herself to be used by this Administration and making a laughingstock of “government auditing.”
(Magsama-sama tayo sa impyerno.)

Indeed, this is another LRA hoax!
(I wish! So help me God.)

In Other News…
President Aquino joked that he would consider joining the priesthood in 2016. Ok, we get it. You’re single again.

The President said he’d probably become a priest in 2016. Let’s see:
Single: Check!
Enjoys the company of kids: Check!
Loves fancy cars: Check.
Ok, you can be a priest!

Senator Loveliness?
Actress and incumbent Parañaque City Councilor Alma Moreno is reportedly running for senator next year under Lakas-CMD. I don’t know which was more shocking: that Alma Moreno’s running or that Lakas-CMD’s still existing.

Gay Prexy
Reacting to reports that President Obama supports same sex union, Manny Pacquiao said, “Leviticus 20:13: If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” To which Obama replied, “Hebrew 13:4 Marriage must be respected by all and husband and wife faithful to each other. God will punish the immoral and the adulterous! Period!”

Following his recent statement supporting gay marriage, US President Barack Obama was named “the first gay president” by Newsweek magazine. Miriam Pacquiao Quiambao is disappointed.
——————————–
“A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“We are back to where we started. This is to prove that our party is still alive. We are not politically dead.”
A: Sen. Bong Revilla of Lakas-CMD
B: Sen. Manuel Villar of the Nacionalista Party
C: Sen. Loren Legarda of the Nationalist People’s Coalition
D: Ex-Pres. Joseph Estrada of the Partido ng Masang Pilipino

iGuess
A popular lawmaker is reportedly dating a young actress. They’d actually make a beautiful couple. Hint: Combine lawmaker’s initials and you get a woman’s name mentioned in an OPM. Young actress’ initials? A school subject.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer:
A: Bong Revilla of Lakas





OF BULLIES AND BREASTS

13 05 2012


HE JIA, a news anchor for China Central Television declared that the Philippines was “China’s inherent territory and the Philippines belongs to Chinese sovereignty.” What’s your take on the issue?

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Objection! No basis!

President Aquino: Walang lamangan. Walang pagnanakaw. Walang wangwang!

Chief Justice Corona: ‘Yan ay malinaw na pakikialam at pagyurak sa independence ng Pilipinas. Hinding-hindi titigil ang ating mga kalaban hangga’t ‘di nila tayo napapabagsak.

Ramon Tulfo: Pilit nga nilang inaagaw eh. Hindi naman ako papayag na kunin nila.

TV5: We will take the issue to court!

Cebu Pacific: We are saddened by this latest development.

What do you wanna tell He Jia?

Cong. Niel Tupas: I submit.

Erwin Tulfo: Saksakan ka ng sinungaling! Huwag na ‘wag kang pupunta ng Pilipinas dahil ‘pag nagpang-abot tayo sa NAIA, tatamaan at tatamaan ka sa akin pati na rin ang asawa mo!

Raffy Tulfo: Sinuwerte lang kayo dahil ang dami n’yo. Hijo de p*ta ka! Tumirik ka na ng kandila mula ngayon, idasal mong ‘wag mag-krus ang landas natin. Put*ng-i*a ka!

Ben Tulfo: Binabangga ko mga kriminal, mga mamamatay-tao, pero kung gusto mo, malaking warehouse na sarado, maga-antay ang mga ambulansya, last man standing, walang lalabas sa loob, magsasara tayo ng pinto, titingnan ko ang galing mo! Tandaan mo ‘to!

Miriam Quiambao: That’s a lie from the devil!

Raymart Santiago: ‘Yong pag-angkin n’yo sa ilang isla sa Spratlys, mapapalagpas ko ‘yon eh. Pero ‘yong iclaim n’yo na pati Pilipinas, pag-aari n’yo, hindi ko matatanggap ‘yon. Na-trauma nga ang mga anak ko nang marinig ‘yan eh.

Claudine Barreto: Kaya nga ilabas n’yo ang mapa. ‘Yong mapa! ‘Yan lang ang makakapagpatunay kung sino talaga ang nagsasabi ng totoo.

Kris Aquino: No comment na lang ako. Promise. Baka sabihin ni Ate Ballsy, “Krissy, nakikialam ka na naman!” So quiet na lang ako. ‘K.

In Other News
NEDA Director General Cayetano Paderanga Jr. reportedly resigned due to personal reasons… otherwise known as “fired.”

Suspended
After hurling threats and invectives on live television last week, TV 5 suspended the Tulfo brothers from appearing on their public affairs show. The program has since been reclassified from SPG to General Patronage.

War Mode?
Amid the Scarborough Shoal standoff, China has reportedly  shifted to ‘war mode’ and is prepared to deploy its military units. Not to be outdone, the Philippines is prepared to deploy the Tulfo brothers.

Alone Again?
Persistent rumors have it that President Aquino and Grace Lee have called it quits after four months of dating. People were shocked. They never expected them to last that long.

Best Time
According to a study, the best time to post or share a link on Facebook is between 1PM and 4PM on Wednesdays – while the best time to share a link on Friendster is never.

Photo of the Week
People are talking about the controversial cover of TIME magazine. A number of readers, including Filipinos were offended by the sight of an almost four-year-old boy sucking on his mom’s breast. The only thing more offensive was the sight of Claudine Barretto on top of Ramon Tulfo.

A survey showed 60 percent of women were offended by the TIME magazine cover… while 90 percent of men wish they were the boy.

I’m not sure if you’ll agree but that cover sucks.

Slogans
US President Obama has unveiled a new slogan: ‘Forward.’ President Aquino, meanwhile will not change his slogan: ‘Previous.’

Headline of the Week
Congratulations ABS-CBN News for sharing with us this exclusive, breaking story in the service of the Filipino people!

“Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness. No one deserves to be bullied.”
~Barack Obama

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“I did not ask his age, it did not matter to me. Besides, he looked young. I was really blinded with love. I also told him I will not continue this relationship without love.”
A: Zsa Zsa Padilla on Dolphy
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.
C: Flight attendant Rowena Lopez on Joseph Estrada
D: Loren Legarda on Tony Leviste

You Have Spoken
If you were from Manila, who would you probably vote for mayor next year?
-Joseph Estrada 12.55%
-Alfredo Lim 20.3%
-Thank goodness, I’m not from Manila! 67.16%

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz:
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.





NET WORTH

4 05 2012

MONDAY, April 30 was the deadline for the filing of statement of assets, liabilities, and net worth… otherwise known as “Test of Honesty Day.”


President Aquino declared a net worth of more than P54.999 million in 2011. His previous net worth was P50.194 million. Under this administration, everything is really going up.

President Aquino’s net worth for 2011 was P54.999 million. Vice President Jejomar Binay’s net worth for the same year was P65.144 million. Binay is more valuable than Aquino.

Vice President Binay’s assets include 12 real properties, a flower shop business, a Ford Club Wagon, a Toyota Land Cruiser, and dozens of prepaid cellphones for the text blast.

Based on his SALN, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is still the richest Filipino congressman. He has a personal fortune of P1.352. billion. His ‘assets’ include sports utility vehicles, houses, buildings, lots, and bank accounts. Under ’liability’ he wrote, “Chavit Singson.”

Of the 286 members of the Lower House, at least 279 are multimillionaires. By the way, have you been to the House of Representatives? It’s in Batasan Hills, Quezon City. Don’t worry, the building is easily recognizable. There’s a huge sign that reads, “This is where your taxes go.”

Leaders of the House of Representatives have denied requests for copies of the full version of the congressmen’s SALNs… making them potential candidates for magistrates of the Supreme Court.

Poor
A Social Weather Stations survey revealed that the number of poor Filipinos surged to 11.1 million or an increase of 10 percentage points in the first quarter of 2012. The number of poor people increased in almost all areas of the country… except in Batasan Complex.

Also Poor
Compared to his multimillionaire colleagues in the Lower House, Anakpawis Rep. Rafael Mariano made a measly P46,946.73 in 2011. That’s conduct unbecoming of a member of Congress.

What Poor?
A recent survey showed that the number of poor Filipinos grew by 10 percent. The MMDA has volunteered to help reduce the number by erecting huge walls to hide them.

BREAKING: Beauty queen Miriam Quiambao is defending the urban poor against the MMDA’s “beautification” project saying poverty is not a sin but a lie from the devil.

Apologetic
On Thursday, May 3, former senator Juan Miguel Zubiri was sworn in as a member of Partido ng Masang Pilipino (PMP). As Zubiri’s swearing-in was taking place, Koko Pimentel was swearing.

Juan Miguel Zubiri apologized to PMP chairman emeritus and former president Joseph Estrada for criticizing him when he was still Bukidnon representative. He didn’t say though if he would apologize to Koko Pimentel for depriving him a Senate seat.

Ex-senator Migz Zubiri has apologized to ex-president Erap Estrada for criticizing him several years ago. Zubiri has yet to apologize though for that lousy “Boom Tarat Tarat” campaign jingle.

Former senator Juan Miguel Zubiri says he is joining Partido ng Masang Pilipino because he supports its stand on issues like poverty alleviation, national sovereignty, and environmental protection. In short… ‘yeah right!’

Labor Day Rally
Despite the heavy rain, militants held a Labor Day rally at Don Chino Roces Bridge (formerly Mendiola Bridge) Tuesday. The demonstrators tried but failed to go all the way to Malacañang. Well, it’s not that easy. Just ask Manny Villar.

Mrs. Villar
Everyone’s talking about the TV ad of Villar Foundation, Inc. The premature campaigning advertisement features former Congresswoman Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, wife of Sen. Manny Villar. The title of the ad is “Walang kadala-dala.”

Rumors say former congresswoman Cynthia Villar will run for senator next year. Just so you know, Mrs. Villar is a member of the rich Aguilar clan of Las Piñas. In fact, the jingle for her next TV ad goes something like, “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng pera?”

Addicts/Alcoholics
Reports say a group of former drug dependents and alcoholics is applying for accreditation in order to participate in next year’s party-list elections. The Commission on Elections will likely junk the application since the group is already well-represented in Congress.

In Mexico
A 32-year-old woman from Coahuila state is reportedly pregnant with nine babies. You know what that means? A reality show!

Reports that a Mexican woman is pregnant with nine babies were found to be a hoax. Authorities said the mother was not even pregnant. She told lies that were so believable. She’s got a bright future in politics.
———————————–
“One day the poor will have nothing to eat but the rich.”
~ Protest Sign

Have a safe and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EXCLUSIVE! INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL

1 05 2012


“HOMOSEXUALITY is not a sin but it is a lie from the devil. Do not be deceived. God loves gays and wants them to know the truth.”
~ Beauty queen/actress Miriam Quiambao

In the interest of fairness, I promised my Twitter followers I would try to get the side of the devil. Fortunately, the devil granted us an exclusive interview. But it had to be a quick one since his schedule was full: meeting with Joseph Kony at 1pm, dinner with oil companies at 8, and flight to North Korea at 11. Enjoy!

Heckler: Kumusta ka na?
Devil: Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw?
Heckler: I’m good, I’m fine.
Devil: Kawawa ka naman. Anyway, nagmamadali ako. Limit your questions to six.

Heckler: Balita ko, nakita ka raw sa mall recently. Malamig do’n ah. Level up ka na?
Devil: Tanga! Sa labas lang ako. Sinamahan ko ‘yong riding-in-tandem robbers sa Robinsons Galleria. Lookout ako do’n. ‘Kita mo naman, dahil sa akin, successful ang operasyon.

Heckler: Oo nga pala, nalimutan ko. Puwede ka nga palang magbago ng anyo.
Devil: Exactly! One day, congressman ako, the other day, Customs clerk o kaya fixer sa LTO. Depende sa mood eh. Kapag online ako sa Twitter, minsan Annabelle Rama ang peg ko. O kaya sa text, Cristine Reyes naman. Kailangang papalit-palit para ‘di tayo mabisto.

Heckler: Speaking of congressman, kumusta naman ang dalawang kapulungan ng Kongreso namin?
Devil: Aba, mahusay! Consistent pa rin ang pagiging ganid. Alam mo naman ang mga hayup na ‘yan, kapag nakahawak na ng PDAF, kumisyon agad ang nasa isip. Although aaminin ko, may mangilan-ngilan din namang ‘di namamansin sa akin but give me time. Maku-convert ko rin ang mga ipokritong ‘yan!

Heckler: Hindi ka ba napa-frustrate sa “daang matuwid” campaign ni Pangulong Aquino? He’s been persistent with his anti-corrupton policy since he assumed office.
Devil: Oh please. That crusade is overrated. Marami sa mga katulong ko sa pagsasabog ng kasamaan sa nakaraang administrasyon, kaalyado na rin ng kanyang pamahalaan ngayon. They’re making it easy for me. Of course, meron pa ring ilan na kumukontra sa mga kagustuhan ko. Pero hintayin mo lang, gumagawa na ako ng paraan upang makuha ang kanilang loyalty. I’ve been in politics for like forever. Alam ko na ang hilatsa ng bituka ng mga ‘yan.


Heckler: Sabi ng PNP, bumaba ng 16 percent ang antas ng kriminalidad sa unang quarter ng taon. Hindi ka ba naiinsulto?
Devil: Mwah-ha-ha-ha! Very funny! Sixteen percent????!!! Pathetic. That only means na waging-wagi pa rin ako at 84 percent! Ang lakas naman ng loob nilang magmalaki. Mga ulol!

Heckler: Bakit, ano bang achievements mo lately?
Devil: Come on. I’m winning! Baka maubos ang oras natin kapag inisa-isa ko ang aking tagumpay. Sa Customs pa lang, panalo na eh. Blackout sa Mindanao; bullying sa Panatag Shoal; incomplete/dishonest SALN; higher HIV cases; oil price hike; hiwalayang Chiz Escudero at Christine Flores, Joel T. Reyes, Ruben Ecleo, Jovito Palparan, Ramona (Revilla) Bautista, Rhian Ramos, Kim Jong-un at Metta World Peace. Sa’n ka pa!?

Heckler: Oo nga noh! But wait! You lost Manny Pacquiao!
Devil: Mwah-ha-ha-ha! Tang-*** n’ya! Ang sarap-sarap ng buhay na inoffer ko sa kanya, tapos tinalikuran n’ya? Syet ang bobo! Babae, alak, sugal, salapi… name it, he enjoyed it. Pathetic. Mas pinili pa niya ang peace of mind, forgiveness, at salvation. Whateverrrr!

Heckler: You sound bitter.
Devil: Isa ka pang bobo! Kaya nga demonyo ako eh. Lahat ng kanegahan, taglay ko. Moron!

Heckler: What do you think of Vice President Binay?
Devil: May potential siya. ‘Sabagay, he’s been a protégé since his Makati City days. Medyo tahimik nga lang ang mokong ngayon. Wala akong nababalitaan sa kanya eh. Pathetic! And that kinda disappoints me. Let’s see. Matagal pa naman ang 2016. Abangan na lang natin.

Heckler: Pansin ko lang, favorite word mo ‘yong pathetic.
Devil: Pansin ko lang, humahaba na ‘yong interview.

Heckler: Joke lang. Siguro naman nabasa mo ang tweet ni Miriam Quiambao. Isasalin ko sa Filipino: Ang kabaklaan ay hindi kasalanan. Ito ay kasinungalingan mula sa demonyo. Ano ang masasabi mo?
Devil: Big words. Big, brave words. But I’m not surprised. After all, she’s a product of the The Pontifical and Royal University of Santo Tomas, The Catholic University of the Philippines. Punyeta, ang haba. UST na nga lang. Anyway, i categorically deny the allegation. Kapag straight, gawa ng Diyos n’yo; ‘tapos kapag bakla, gawa ko?! Umayos ka ngang babae ka! Gusto mo bang pitikin ko ulit ang high heels mo para madapa ka ulit sa stage? On the brighter darker side, tama lang pala ang ginagawa mo. Your tweets promote hatred and foment war – just some of the things that I love.

Heckler: Katulad sa mga nakaraang interview ko, meron akong tinatawag na Rapid Round. Magbabanggit ako ng mga pangalan, at sabihin mo kung ano ang unang pumasok sa utak mo. Game?
Devil: Shoot!

Heckler: Kris Aquino.
Devil: I miss her. Masyado na siyang lumalayo. Hate it.

Heckler: Petron, Shell, Chevron
Devil: They have yet to fail me. Personal faves. Bravo!

Heckler: SM Baguio.
Devil: Duh. May nag-rally lang, huminto na sa pagputol ng puno? Upsetting!

Heckler: Chris Tiu
Devil: Hmpf! Ang linis-linis! Pathetic!

Heckler: Chief Justice Renato Corona
Devil: I’m starting to like him. Lalo na kapag nakikipagsagutan siya sa mga taga-Malacañang, ang saya!

Heckler: Cong. Niel “Junjun” Tupas Jr.
Devil: Mas close ako kay Niel Tupas Sr. pero Junjun and I are getting there.

Heckler: Sharon Cuneta
Devil: Mwa-ha-ha Ayoko! Baka sumagot.

Heckler: Sen. Juan Ponce-Enrile
Devil: I’m a fan. Mwa-ha-ha-ha

Heckler: Annabelle Rama
Devil: ‘Yong tipong gagamitin niya sa tweets at interviews ang pangalan ng Sto. Niño sabay mura sa kaaway. Tang-*n*, ang cool! Idol!

Heckler: Manila Arbishop Luis Antonio Tagle
Devil: Pakialam ko!

Heckler: Gloria Arroyo
Devil: Just hang in there. Ginusto natin pareho ‘to. Walang sisihan.

Heckler: President Aquino
Devil: I’m not really into him pero may mga pagkakataong naa-appreciate ko ang attitude niya. Gustung-gusto ko kapag pikon na pikon siya ‘tapos nagpapatutsada sa kaaway. Syet! Mukha siyang grade schooler na inagawan ng sharpener at eraser. Loooove it.

Heckler: Last: Professional Heckler
Devil: Ayoko nga! Eh kung iedit mo?
Heckler: Blog ko ‘to, anong pakialam mo?
Devil: Pathetic!
——————————–
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
― Oscar Wilde

Stay healthy, be productive and enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





SLAM BOOK SERIES: KRIS AQUINO

9 04 2012

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! To officially welcome summer, here are the thoughts on love, life, and politics of one of the most fascinating celebrities today – President Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris Aquino. Enjoy!





Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THE HUNGER GAMES, ATBP.

26 03 2012


‘THE HUNGER GAMES’ tells the story of the rich and the powerful manipulating the poor and the helpless. It’s a huge hit among Filipinos. It’s OUR story.

The second half of the film showed teenagers brutally killing one another. Nobody was made accountable though. Parents started blaming Senator Kiko Pangilinan.

One of the most unforgettable moments in “The Hunger Games” was when Iggy Arroyo Katniss Everdeen volunteered to save her sibling.

In Book 2 of the hit trilogy, Katniss Everdeen was successfully lured by Jose Maria Sison into joining the radical youth group Kabataang Makabayan.

‘The Hunger Games’ is set in the future where no one uses a cellphone… and Manny Pangilinan owns the world.

Pyongyang has reportedly banned ‘The Hunger Games.’ Kim Jong-un was quoted to have said, “Don’t rub it in.”

In ‘The Hunger Games,’ 24 contestants known as ‘tributes’ from 12 districts are chosen to fight ‘til death until a single winner emerges. Expectedly, the alien kid from District 9 effortlessly won.


Top 10 Deleted Scenes From the Movie ‘The Hunger Games’

No. 10: A group of ‘batang hamog’ from District 2 robbing a taxicab

No. 9: Pulse Asia making public a survey saying the number of hungry citizens has dropped

No. 8: Political adviser Ronald Llamas secretly supplying ‘tributes’ with guns and ammunitions

No. 7: The House of Representatives approving on third and final reading the creation of a new “district,” a year before the elections #AlamNa

No. 6: Katniss Everdeen, ‘the girl on fire’ was on fire for more than 80 hours; fire marshal sacked for being drunk while on duty

No. 5: Ninong Manny Pacquiao taping an episode of ‘Manny Many Prizes’ in Panem’s poorest district

No. 4: Accused of doing nothing, President Snow (played by Donald Sutherland) releases photos of him carrying a stack of folders.

No. 3: DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman supervising the selection of the beneficiaries of the Capitol’s conditional cash transfer program.

No. 2: Atty. Edwin Lacierda denying rumors the President was spotted on a date with Katniss Everdeen at Promenade, Greenhills

And the No.1 deleted scene from ‘The Hunger Games’ -

Political adviser Ronald Llamas illegally camcording the games and selling copies to DVD vendors

In Other News…
The fare rate hike on jeepneys is now in effect. Oil firms just jacked up gas prices. And Malacañang rejected the proposed P125 across-the-board legislated wage increase. Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor!
———————-
“Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.”
~ President Snow, ‘The Hunger Games’

Have a safe and inspired week!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





NEARLY HALF

21 03 2012

THE LATEST PULSE ASIA survey conducted from February 26 to March 9, 2012 showed that 47 percent of Filipinos believed that impeached Chief Justice Renato Corona was guilty. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 45 properties.


A recent Pulse Asia study on the Corona impeachment trial showed 58 percent of Filipinos would respect and accept whatever the Senate verdict would be. The remaining 42 percent work for Malacañang.

According to the latest propaganda survey, 47 percent of Filipinos were convinced that Chief Justice Renato Corona was guilty. The rest were non-Inquirer readers.

The Pulse Asia survey also revealed that 8 in 10 Filipinos follow the impeachment trial. The other 2 follow Sharon Cuneta’s explosive tweets against Piolo Pascual.

Breaking: A new survey revealed 98 percent of local newspapers and news websites believe that Renato Corona is guilty.

Tupas Says
Grilled anew on the reported list of alleged “45 Corona properties” which was found to be inaccurate, lead prosecutor Niel Tupas on Tuesday said, “I’m not aware of the media…” How dare you Mr. Congressman. That’s not how you treat an ally!

Noynoying
The Wall Street Journal published an article on ‘Noynoying’ – the term coined by militants to describe the Chief Executive’s alleged laidback working style. But President Aquino is unfazed. He vowed to make a statement as soon as he’s done with his coffee, cinnamon roll, and cigarette.

Deadly Game
In Manila, a man was stabbed following a dispute over a popular computer game. And my friend was like, “Holy sh*t, is the President safe?”

Three More
According to the Manila Bulletin, Manny Pacquiao is eyeing three more fights before finally retiring. To which God said, “I thought we’ve talked?!?”

Fire
Here’s the latest on the fire that destroyed Ever Gotesco Grand Central Mall in Caloocan City. After more than 80 hours, the fire and the city fire marshal were both declared “out.” Yey!

Sizzling Sharon
Megastar Sharon Cuneta, wife of Senator Kiko Pangilinan clashed with bashers and Piolo Pascual loyalists on Twitter. An exasperated Sharon threatened to leave the microblogging site. Realizing however that she’s got nothing else to do, she stayed.

Suddenly Bicolano
Reports say Aga Muhlach has registered as a voter in Camarines Sur. A quick survey showed 90 percent of residents were happy to welcome the actor. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus “2013.”

Overseas…
In Indonesia, an eight-year-old boy smokes more than a pack of cigarettes per day. Observers believe the boy has a chance of becoming president someday.
————————————————————————
“One should perform his deeds for the benefit of mankind with an unbiased approach because bias gives birth to evil, which creates thousands of obstacles in our path.”
~Rig Veda

Quotes of the Day
“If we are to use surveys to convict or not to convict a person charged in our courts, then we do not need the courts. All we have to do is conduct surveys whenever somebody is charged.”
~Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile

“Regardless of what they’re doing, regardless of what they’re projecting, the President is at work. This administration continues to perform its responsibilities.”
~Atty. Edwin Lacierda on ‘Noynoying’

“This award is not for me because before becoming an actor, I am a Filipino first. This is for my country – the Philippines. Mabuhay!”
~ Eugene Domingo accepting her People’s Choice Award for Best Actress in the Sixth Asian Film Awards in HK

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DAY 27

12 03 2012

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL of Chief Justice Renato Corona resumed Monday, March 12. The Defense panel’s first witness was a dud congressman.


The Defense panel was able to present only one sourgrape witness on Day 27 of the Corona impeachment trial. Navotas Rep. Tobias Tiangco was the day’s mane attraction.

According to Defense lawyers, the testimony of Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco proved that the impeachment complaint was “railroaded and politically motivated.” Ok, tell us something we don’t know.

Congressman Toby Tiangco didn’t sign the impeachment complaint against CJ Corona because he believed it lacked probable cause. As a result, the Budget Department delayed the release of probable cash.

According to Congressman Tiangco, he almost signed the Corona impeachment complaint because, “I don’t want to earn the ire of the most powerful man in the country.” And Vice President Jejomar Binay was like, “O, ano na namang ginawa ko?”

Before Tiangco took the witness stand, prosecution panel manager and Cavite Representative Joseph Emilio Abaya warned him against exhibiting “disorderly behavior” that could possibly be interpreted as destructive to the image of Congress. Abaya didn’t respond though when reporters asked, “Is there anything left to destroy?”

Prior to Toby Tiangco’s Senate appearance, House Majority Leader Neptali Gonzales III reportedly threatened to expel the Navotas solon. Sought for reaction on Tiangco’s revelations, Gonzales said, “I just want him to dye.”

Cong. Niel Tupas said Toby Tiangco’s testimony was “impertinent, irrelevant, and immaterial.” To which Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “Imitator!”

Contempt
Defense lawyer Jose Judd Roy III is in trouble. Attorney Roy was cited for indirect contempt by the Senate… for his hideous default pic on Twitter.





“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.”
~Auguste Rodin

Elsewhere
Rappler: Mane Attraction: Tiangco vs. Quimbo

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong may nagpaplano ng coup d’état laban kay Pangulong Aquino?
Yes. May mga taong nais bumalik sa pwesto. 17.97%
No. Papansin lang ang palasyo. 61.33%
Wala akong pakialam. Busy ako sa work. 20.7%

Have a great week everyone! Take care.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HELL

6 03 2012


CATHOLIC PRIEST Catalino Arevalo, a known ally of President Aquino admonished Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago in a sermon Sunday saying she could be “worthy of the fires of hell.” Arevalo is now being considered for the post of spiritual adviser to the prosecution panel.

Fr. Catalino Arevalo was quoted to have said that senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago was “worthy of the fires of hell.” Congressman Niel Tupas disagreed. For the prosecution, Santiago was ‘the’ hell.

As expected, the feisty senator retaliated. Citing the Second Vatican Council, Senator Santiago said “there is no hell.” To which, victims of pedophile priests said, “Believe us, there is. We’ve experienced it.”


Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Fr. Catalino Arevalo said Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago should apologize for berating the prosecution panel. Santiago insisted that she would never ever apologize for someone else’s idiocy.

A miffed Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago reacted to Fr. Catalino Arevalo’s statement that she’s ‘worthy of the fires of hell.’ The lady senator reminded Arevalo that “the Constitution provides for a wall of separation between the church” and her mental state.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, Afghanistan is still the most dangerous place in the world today followed by Iraq. In third place is Los Baños, Laguna.

Less than a year after the rape-slay of a UP Los Baños coed, another UPLB student – entomology major Ray Bernard Peñaranda fell prey to criminals. He was stabbed and killed during a holdup. The Los Baños community has condemned the spate of killings in the once quiet town. A 300,000-peso bounty is being offered for the capture of Peñaranda’s assailants. Another 300,000-peso reward has been put up for any information on the whereabouts of town mayor Anthony Genuino.


Ray Bernard Peñaranda, the slain UPLB student was not from Los Baños. Just like Los Baños Mayor Anthony Genuino.

While we’re on the topic, did you know that Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa is the concurrent anti-crime czar? Hindi halata.

Noy’s Picks
President Aquino named Wigberto Tañada, father of prosecution team spokesperson Erin Tañada as chairman and member of the board of directors of UCPB-CIIF Oil Mills Group. Likewise, President Aquino named Jorge L. Banal, father of Cong. Bolet Banal, also of the prosecution panel as acting member of the board of directors of Poro Point Management Corp. The rewards oath-taking happened Monday.

A New Car
Some 200 congressmen through a resolution asked the Budget Department to allocate funds for a more state-of-the-art presidential vehicle. Congressman Rudy Fariñas refused to sign the resolution saying, “medyo masama din kasi ang pagkakagawa.”

Focus
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says, “We are not bothered by the coup rumors. The administration is focused on the economy.” When did Renato Corona change his name to ‘economy?’

TV Patrol 25
Allow me to say ‘Happy birthday TV Patrol!’ The newscast just turned 25 years old. Ten more years and it is eligible to run for senator.

TV Patrol is the only newscast in the world being anchored by a former vice president and senator, a former congressman, and an ex-presidential girlfriend & former senator-turned-DOTC secretary’s wife. TV Patrol is like the government of television shows.

The longest running daily newscast, TV Patrol is now 25 years old. Or as Vicki Belo would say, “Pwede na!”

TV Patrol is now 25 years old. In Hollywood, that’s 127 Kim Kardashian marriages.
—————————————-
“Hell doesn’t even exist. It’s all in our minds. We invented it as a warning to those who don’t live up to our standards.”
~S. Kaye Saunders

Quote of the Day
“Under Vatican 2, there is no hell. In theology, hell is not a geographical place, but is a metaphor for distance from God. That priest should spend his energy fighting pedophilia in the Catholic church, instead of meddling in politics & dividing parishioners.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago via @senmiriam on Twitter

Personal
Thank you very much to Madam Tony Atkinson of Davao City for your continued support.

Have a safe week everyone!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PROSECUTION VS. DEFENSE: BUMPER STICKERS

28 01 2012

Anti-Defense Panel Bumper Stickers


Anti-Prosecution Panel Bumper Stickers

PickUp Lines, anyone?
Si Justice Serafin Cuevas ka ba?
BAKIT?
Kasi, para sa akin, age doesn’t matter. Boom!

Impeachment trial ka ba?
BAKIT?
Kasi, lagi akong nakatutok sa ‘yo! Boom!

Si Senator Lito Lapid ka ba?
BAKIT?
Kasi, ‘pag kasama kita, SPEECHLESS ako. Boom!

SALN ka ba ng pulitiko?
BAKIT?
Kasi, sinungaling ka! Boom!

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter:Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





OBJECTION!

23 01 2012

Quote of the Week:
“I would like to take this opportunity to correct the misimpression being peddled by a certain Professional Heckler. Ang suot ko noong opening ng Impeachment trial ay hindi galing sa alinmang branch ng SM. ‘Yan ay isang kasinungalingan. At kung kailangan kong ipa-subpoena sa witness stand si Manay Gina de Venecia at ang iba pang miyembro ng Association of Lady Legislators upang
patunayan ito ay gagawin ko.
~Akbayan Party-list Rep. Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan,
Member, Impeachment Prosecution Panel

PLEASE ALL RISE. Senate President Kris Aquino Presiding.

Day 2, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: The impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato C. Corona is hereby called to order. But before we proceed to the presentation of evidence, I’d like to take this opportunity na magpasalamat sa family court ng Makati City. Kay Judge, love love love na talaga kita. Ayaw ko po munang magbigay na detalye kasi magagalit na naman sina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky. Pero thank you so much talaga Judge. Ipagpi-pray kita sa Manaoag next week. Promise. ‘Yon lang. Aha-ha-ha! Okay, let’s proceed. Tito Sen?

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: We are in receipt of a request filed by the prosecution for the issuance of subpoena duces tecum and subpoena ad testifacandum to Chief Justice Renato Corona, his wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors in relation to the instant impeachment proceedings.

PO Kris Aquino: Gosh, ang dami lang. Ok, denied! Aha-ha-ha!

Cong. Niel Tupas: The prosecution submits to the ruling of the Senate President.

PO Kris Aquino: Talaga? I love youuuuuu!

Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: Madam Presiding Officer…

PO Kris Aquino: The gentleman from Taguig…

Senator Cayetano: I agree with the ruling in so far as the Chief Justice is concerned. But with the wife, children, son-in-law, yaya, gardener, driver, cook, laundrywoman, electrician, plumber, cable guy, internet service provider, favorite vendor, and neighbors I’d like to express my reservations.

PO Kris Aquino: So you’re opposing my ruling, gano’n?
Senator Cayetano: Can we put this into a vote?

PO Kris Aquino: My God, I hate you. Pinapahiya mo ‘ko. Live pa naman tayo! Feeling ko tuloy nasa Day 2 pa lang tayo, grandstanding ka na. Okay fine! Eh ‘di vote.

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: Those who are in favor of the ruling of Madam Chair raise your hands… 1, 2, 3… 14! Those who are not in favor, please raise your hands! 1,2,3, 4, 5, 6. Fourteen-six for the ruling of the presiding officer.

PO Kris Aquino: 14-6? Yeyyyyy! Sorry Alan, I won. Aha-ha-ha Pero wait lang. Kayong labing-apat, lalo ka na Tito Frank, humanda kayo kay Noy! Unless bumawi ka sa Day 3, which I am sure you will… knowing you. Aha-ha-ha. In fairness, kasama sa six ang Nacionalista boys. Ano kayang nakain? Aha-ha-ha. One minute suspension. Tawagan ko lang si Deo for my taping sked.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: May we start with the presentation of evidence? It’s getting late na. Oily na ‘ko. Please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair…

PO Kris Aquino: Guard, ‘yong driver naligaw sa floor. Paki-guide palabas please.
Cong. Elpidio Barzaga: Madam Chair… I am part of the prosecution.
PO Kris Aquino: Oh gosh. Sorrrrrry! I’m so mean. Sorry po talaga. I honestly thought you were… never mind. Please proceed.

Congressman Barzaga: The prosecution, Your Honor, is reydi to present its evidence and as provided for in the complaint, we shall start presenting evidence in so far…
PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang Mr. Congressman! Matagal ka na bang walang buhok? Is that alopecia?
(Crowd laughs)

PO Kris Aquino: O, bakit kayo tumatawa? Hellooooo. Alangan namang itanong ko, ‘bakit makapal ang buhok’ mo. Kaloka kayo!
Congressman Barzaga: Since early 2000 Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: See? Honest siya! I’m starting to like you na. May personality ka, promise! Try mo kaya ‘yong shampoo na bigay ko kay Noy last year. Nabili ko sa States. I’ll give you the brand name later after ng session. Effective siya as in. Wait, sorry, I didn’t quite get your name…

Congressman Barzaga: Elpidio Barazaga Jr, Madam Chair, representing the City of Dasmariñas.
PO Kris Aquino: Owwws? Alam ba nilang nire-represent mo sila?

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair?
PO Kris Aquino: Joke lang. Aha-ha-ha. Gusto mong lumabas sa sequel ng ‘Segunda Mano?’

Congressman Barzaga: I beg your pardon…
PO Kris Aquino: Wala! Aha-ha-ha. Let’s proceed. As you were saying…

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, we shall start presenting evidence in so far as Article 2 is concerned.

PO Kris Aquino: Article 2? Why? Bakit nabago ang sequence?

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, it is a basic truism, in so far as the practice of law is concerned that a party presenting evidence has the power to determine what would be the order of presentation of evidence.

PO Kris Aquino: Hay naku! Nakakatatlong “in so far as” ka na, pansin ko lang. Walang ibang phrase? Aha-ha-ha. ‘Tsaka tigilan mo ko ng truism truism na ‘yan. Umamin ka Congressman, hindi kayo ready ‘no? Careful ka sa answer mo, nakatutok si Noy ngayon. Alam mo na!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor, marami na kasing lumabas na reports tungkol sa SALN ng Chief Justice. He even said that he’s willing to donate some of his properties na mapapatunayang kanya.

PO Kris Aquino: You didn’t answer my question… promise. I’m getting disappointed with you na guys.

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, can we just postpone the trial for tomorrow?

PO Kris Aquino: ‘Yun na! I swear, Noy is incensed right now. My God! You’re embarrassing my brother. I hate you! (Message alert tone)

PO Kris Aquino: O ‘yan! Trending ka na raw on Twitter Philippines! I’m sure, they’re mocking you na. Nakakahiyaaa!

Congressman Barzaga: Madam Chair, we just want to give the defense an opportunity to prepare for Article 2.

PO Kris Aquino: You’re making palusot naman ngayon! Ewan ko sa inyo! Lagi n’yo namang ka-meeting si Noy, tapos ganito? Hayyyyy! Mag-usap-usap kayo pwede? Try to regroup! You talaga! One minute suspension nga! When we return, we shall rule on a motion filed by another member of the prosecution.

Trial Suspended.

Day 2, Moment No. 3.
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino: I believe there’s a pending motion filed by the prosecution…

Majority Leader Tito Sotto: As a matter of fact Madam Chair, there is. We received a complaint from public prosecutor Arlene Bag-ao of Akbayan. Apparently Your Honor, somebody else, pretending to be the honorable Congresswoman made an appearance on Day 1 of the impeachment trial. Sa katunayan, nakausap n’yo pa siya sa floor.

PO Kris Aquino: Oh my God. May impostor na nakapasok sa impeachment court?

Cong. Niel Tupas: As far as the prosecution panel is concerned, yes Your Honor. As the Majority Floor Leader mentioned, the impostor probably changed his appearance and assumed the form of Congresswoman Bag-ao during the first day of this trial.

PO Kris Aquino: Nakakaloka! May evidence ba ang prosecution?


Cong. Niel Tupas: Exhibit A, Your Honor: ang kontrobersyal na terno! Kung inyong matatandaan, ang sabi ng impostor, nabili lang sa SM ang terno. Ito ay mariing pinabubulaanan ni Congresswoman Bag-ao. Hindi raw nagmula sa alinmang branch ng SM ang naturang kasuotan. Hindi sa Megamall! Hindi sa SM North! Hindi sa SM Centerpoint! At lalong hindi sa mala-palengkeng SM Mall of Asia!

PO Kris Aquino: Wait lang. So dini-deny ni Congresswoman Bag-ao na nabili niya sa SM ang terno? Sandali. Hindi ko ‘to kinakaya. Kailangan talagang ideny? Isyu ba ‘to? Relevant?

Cong. Niel Tupas: Yes, Your Honor. Kongresista nga naman siya. How dare this impostor claim na nabili lang ang terno sa pang-masang mall? The allegation was absurd, preposterous, baseless, and if I may personally add, defamatory.

PO Kris Aquino: Wait, where did she buy that ba? Landmark?

Congressman Barzaga: Objection! Relevance?!?

PO Kris Aquino: Aha-ha-ha! Mag-object talaga sa ‘kin? Presiding officer ako Mr. Congressman. I can ask clarificatory questions!

Justice Serafin Cuevas: Madam Chair, may I? Point of order.

PO Kris Aquino: Nyeeeeh! Buhay pa pala kayo Justice Cuevas! Next time nga, ‘wag namang biglaan ang pagpaparamdam n’yo! Nakakagulat lang. Promise. What’s your point of order?

Justice Cuevas: The prosecution is apparently delaying this trial. What’s the point of the manifestation?

PO Kris Aquino: True! In fairness, kahit ako naguguluhan. Mr. Prosecutor…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang gusto lang namin, higpitan ang seguridad sa impeachment court upang hindi na maulit ang nangyari sa Day 1. Mahirap nang mabiktima ulit ng impostor. Please lang. Nakakasira ng reputasyon.

PO Kris Aquino: The chair hereby orders the Senate Sergeant-At-Arms to impose a stricter screening of visitors. Likewise, from this day on, lahat ng papasok sa Senado ay tatanungin: “Who are you wearing?” Isulat ito sa logbook para may reference ang media. Bongga ‘di ba? At least, maiiwasan natin ang paglabas ng maling info.

Cong. Niel Tupas: Thank you Your Honor.

PO Kris Aquino: No, this impeachment court should thank the prosecution panel. Your terno-driven manifestation was brilliant, promise. I’m sure matutuwa si Noy. So, thank you. And with that, trial adjourned!

Congressman Barzaga: Your Honor…
PO Kris Aquino: Yes, Congressman Barzaga…
Congressman Barzaga: Are you single?
PO Kris Aquino: Objection! Relevance? Aha-ha-ha!
———————————————————————————————————
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”
~Henry Ward Beecher

Quote of the Day
“It took me 44 years to find you. I have found you Shalani. I have found happiness. I will love you forever.”
~Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo to Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad

Stay safe people.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PRESIDING OFFICER KRIS AQUINO

21 01 2012

WHEN PRESIDING OFFICER Juan Ponce Enrile adjourned the impeachment trial last Thursday, there was a collective sigh of relief (on Twitter) among journalists and even radio/TV hosts covering the historic event. Finally, rest.

Monitoring the trial on TV as well as the press conferences and radio/TV interviews of both the prosecution and defense teams is actually draining. Maybe it would be less exhausting if the presiding officer was Kris Aquino. Hmmm, let’s see.

Day 1, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate and our beloved countrymen,

Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Madam Senate President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, good afternoon. Respectfully appearing for the House of Representatives’ prosecution panel, my name iz uh, Niel Tupas Jr. of Iloilo.

PO Kris: Teka lang. Niel Tupas Jr? So dad mo si Niel Tupas Sr? ‘Yong may graft case sa Ombudsman?

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Yes, Madam Senate President. But the case is pending and my father has never been convicted.

PO Kris: Oo nga. I said case. Wala naman akong sinabing convicted ‘di ba? Kaloka. Defensive much? Aha-ha-ha. Next!

Cong. Raul Daza: For the prosecution, Raul Daza, deputy speaker, first district Northern Samar.

PO Kris: Oh my God, Congressman Raul Daza?! The defense lawyer of Erap during his impeachment trial? Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Until now congressman ka pa rin? Overrrr! Next!


Congw. Marlyn Primicias Agabas: Conditionally, Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas, sixth district, Province of Pangasinan.
Congw. Arlene Bag-ao: Good afternoon Your Honor, respectfully appearing for the prosecution, my name is Arlene Bag-ao from the party-list Akbayan.

PO Kris: Sandali, what’s your name again?
Congw. Bag-ao: Ako po, Your Honor?
PO Kris: No, ‘yong unang girl.
Congw. Agabas: Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?
Congw. Agabas: Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Sosyaaal! Can afford. O, ikaw naman Congresswoman Bag-ao, sinong tumahi n’yan?
Congw. Bag-ao: SM lang po ‘to Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: Bongga! I like you! Walang pretensions. SM kung SM! Why not ‘di ba? Feeling ko Megamall ‘yan? Kultura?
Congw. Bag-ao: Tama po, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Winnnnner! Anyway, kahit identified ako sa mga taong nagsusulong ng ouster ng Chief Justice, uulitin ko lang, i will try to be fair. Pero, i admit, kapag nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga congressmen, naaalala ko ang dati kong show, ‘yong ‘The Price is Right.’ I don’t know why. Basta. Sandali, session suspended for 5 minutes muna! Retouch lang ako. Bambbi, ‘yong blush-on ko please.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris): I am baaaaack. Sorry everyone. Continue na natin. Team Jacob naman. Go!

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Kagalang-galang na Pangulo ng Senado,mahal naming miyembro ng Senado, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. This is retired Justice Serafin Cuevas, appearing for the respondent, Renato Corona, your honor. And for that purpose, may we be allowed to state for the record that the Honorable Justice Corona is here pursuant to the invitation of this honorable body.

PO Kris: Ang dami mo nang sinabi. Sandali lang Justice. How old ka na?

Justice Cuevas: For the record your honor, I am turning 84 years old in July.

PO Kris: Gosh, you’re that old na pala. In fairness, hindi halata Justice. Parang 80 ka lang. Aha-ha-ha Seriously, I’m impressed. I hope you don’t mind, sino po ang mas matanda: kayo o ‘yong Revised Penal Code of the Philippines?
Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, I object to this entire line of questioning. It’s leading… leading to the grave. That is totally irrelevant to the case.


PO Kris: Ay ganun? Fine! As you were saying, the respondent is here? Where is he seated?
Justice Cuevas: They’re at the second row of the gallery your honor. Tumayo po kayo Mr Chief Justice.
PO Kris: Oh, he. Is that Mrs. Corona beside him? In fairness huh, pretty s’ya. May taste ka Mr. Chief Justice. At sino ‘yong katabi ni Mrs. Corona? Si Atty. Midas Marquez ba ‘yon?
Justice Cuevas: Yes, your honor.
PO Kris: Mas pretty s’ya. Aha-ha-ha.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: Oh, wait I have a call. One minute suspension.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 3:
Presiding Officer Kris: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my son, Bimby. He’s watching the trial right now on TV. So if you would please, can you say “Hi Bimby!” Sige naaaa… matutuwa ‘yon. At the count of three, ok? 1, 2, 3…

Senators: “Hi Bimby!”
PO Kris: Yey! I love youuuu! Ok, proceed na sa opening statements. Team Edward mauna na kayo…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Today we lay down before this honorable impeachment tribunal the product of the collective voice of the people…

PO Kris: Teka lang. Maraming nanonood na ‘di nakapag-aral. Pakilinaw please ang ‘collective.’ Baka isipin nila, may na-collect kayo kaya inimpeach n’yo s’ya. Bad sa image ”yon. Please continue…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang ibig sabihin namin your honor, ang kasong ilalatag namin ay mula sa iisang tinig ng taong-bayan. And if I may proceed, before God and country we say this: you, Mr Corona, are an enemy to good government. Like Judas Iscariot, you betrayed your God for a few pieces of gold. In the name of God, go!

PO Kris: Excuse me Mr. Congressman! Unang-una, it’s not gold. Helloooo! It’s silver. Day 1 pa lang mali na ang research mo. Kainis kayo! Pinapahiya n’yo si Noy! And pleeeeeeease, avoid using the name of God. Kasi, hindi rin fair kung ‘di mo kukunin ang side ni God. Actually, God talked to me late last night. Dini-deny n’yang nag-usap kayo. Pa’no ba ‘yan? Careful ka. Perjury ‘yang ginagawa mo. To the impeachment court, ignore that portion about God okay. Mabuti nang safe. Team Jacob, your turn.

Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, Chief Justice Renato Corona is entitled to an acquittal of the charges against him. In addition to this representation your honor, may we also put on record, that he is entering a plea of not guilty to all the charges embodied in the complaint.

PO Kris: Day 1 pa lang ng trial, not guilty na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pakilala muna ang defense panel? Yes, what is the concern of the gentleman from Iloilo, Tito Frank, I mean, Senator Frank Drilon…

Senator Drilon: Just a point of order Kris, I mean, Madam Senate President. Anong ‘not guilty’ ang pinagsasasabi ng defense? That manifestation is premature! Defense panel is only supposed to enter their appearance.

PO Kris: ‘Yon nga ang sabi ko. Ayyyyy, not listening. Kainis. Masyado kang obvious Tito Frank. Premature assistance to the prosecution aha-ha-ha. Sorry. If you’re watching Noy, sorry.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: ‘Sensya na, sagutin ko lang. 10 seconds…

PO Kris: Oh? Really? Shocks, matutuwa sila. Ok,ok.. sige. Thanks Boy. Bye.

PO Kris: Ladies and gentlemen of the impeachment court, I have good news. We are trending worldwiiiiiide! Yey! In fairness! Tinalo pa raw natin ang Golden Globe Awards. Winnnnner! Dahil d’yan, I’ll let you rest muna. Tomorrow na lang ulit, 2PM okay? Trial adjourned.
————————————————————————————–
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
~Jeremy Bentham

Sa Ibang Balita
Good News: Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra “bagay” daw sa ating Pangulo
Bad News: Ayon kay Kris Aquino

Good News: Ayon sa SWS, bilang ng mga Pilipinong “mahirap” ang tingin sa sarili, bumaba.
Bad News: Bilang ng mga Pilipinong ‘in denial,’ tumaas.

Good News: SWS: Bilang ng “mahihirap” na Pinoy bumaba
Bad News: SWS survey sa Kongreso isinagawa

Briefly Noted: Wow Mali
Justice Secretary De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman regarding the Magtanggol Gatdula et al alleged kidnapping and extortion case. (Photo: ellentordesillas.com)

Annoying
Attention: President Aquino and Atty. Edwin Lacierda
10 of the Most Irritating Phrases in the English Language

Have a happy long weekend! Stay safe.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 112,261 other followers

%d bloggers like this: