EXCLUSIVE: ANNABELLE DRAMA RETURNS

18 06 2013

SOME OF THE BIGGEST names in the entertainment industry were trounced in the last elections. Richard Gomez. Christopher De Leon. Joey Marquez. Shalani Soledad. Dennis Padilla. Heber Bartolome. Rey Valera. Alan Paule. Lou Veloso. TJ Trinidad. And Rez Cortez. Aga Muhlach has yet to concede his defeat to the Fuentebellas in Bicol.

In Cebu’s northwest district, one feisty woman fought, and lost. It was not even close. But this woman

Hay naku dong! Ang haba ng intro mo dong! Per minute ang rate ko. May pambayad ka ba dong?

Ladies and gentlemen, nagbabalik sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon matapos matalo sa eleksyon – our special guest, the one and the only ANNABELLE DRAMA.

Alam mo dong, ‘di mo na kilangang ulit-uliting talo ako. Tanggap ko ‘yon dong. Nag-prutista ba ako dong? Hindi uy. Ako ang unang nag-conceit. So moved on ka na ok?

So conceited ho kayo?

Tanga ka ba dong? Ako nga ang unang-nag-conceit ‘di ba? Hindi pa tapos ang bilangan, conceited na ako dong.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang ang concede, anong masasabi n’yo kay Aga na hindi pinalad sa Bicol.

Karma ‘yan dong! No’ng inaway ako ng tiyahin niyang si Amalya, alam kong igaganti ako ng Sto. Niño! So karma ‘yon dong! Kaya ikaw Aga, mag-conceit ka na dong. Huwag mong sisihin ang kalaban dong. Sisihin mo ang MALAKING malas sa paligid mo!

Sino po ‘yong malaki? Si Amalya?

Gusto mong ma-libel dong? Wala akong sinabing pangalan dong. ‘Wag kang mandamay dong.

Sabi ho sa balita, nag-donate kayo ng 3 million sa inyong pinsang si Mike Drama na nanalong mayor. Pero ngayon, binabawi n’yo raw. Totoo po ba?

Alam mo dong, wala naman talaga sa ‘kin ‘yong pira dong. Pira lang ‘yan eh. Isang tilisirye lang ni Chard, mabawi ko man ‘yan. Nabuwisit lang ako kay Mike kasi noong kampanya, inasyur niya ako dong. Sabi niya, “Pinsan, malakas ang kutob ko. Landslide ito.” Landslide nga dong! Matapos ang bilangan… landslide ang kalaban! Kaya ikaw Mike, kung nanood ka ngayon, bruho ka, ibalik mo ang pira ko dung. Kung may iota ka ng dilikadisa dong, ibalik mo man ang pira ko.

Alam n’yo pala ‘yong term na iota?

Hindi dong. Narinig ko lang kay Remond ‘yan. Tumatalak siya sa telepono kahapon. Sabi niya, “If you have an iota of delicadeza, you will English and English and pastilan and yawa and English and English…” Pisti! Wala akong nagits dong. Ingles kasi. Diri-diritsu. Sakit sa ulo! Ang nagits ku lang dong “iota” at “dilikadisa” kaya ‘yon ang ginamit ko. ‘Buti na lang dong walang “b” ang iota; kung hindi nagduda ako sa kanya.

Nakakatuwa naman po at nagbati na kayo ni Nadja Montenegro. Ano bang na-realize n’yo at lumambot ang inyong puso?
Alam mo dong, hindi naman talaga ako dimunya eh. Image ko lang ‘yon dong. Ang totoo, mabait naman talaga ako. Bago kami nagbati ni Nadja, matagal na akong naga-pray sa Sto. Niño. Siguro, mga April pa ‘yon. Ang prayers ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, give me a sign naman. Dapat ko bang patawarin ang mga bruha sa paligid ko.” And then

Ano pong sabi ng Sto. Niño?

Ito na nga dong! Pwide ba, huwag mo ‘kong ipreempt?! Ituloy ko ang kwento ko. Nanahimik ang Mahal na Sto. Niño dong! Silence talaga siya. Kinabahan ako. Sabi ko, “Pastilan, ‘di yata nagustuhan ng Sto. Niño ang prayers ko.” Tumibok nang mabilis ang heartbeat ko dong.

‘Asan na ho ang sign?

‘Wag mo akong madaliin dong! Kung may pupuntahan ka, umalis ka na! Bumubuwelo pa ako! Makinig ka muna! ‘Tapos nag-eleksyon na nga: natalo ako. Landslide dong! ‘Tapos natsugi ang talk show ni Remond. ‘Tapos nawalan ng tilisiryi si Chard. Tapos si Roffa, paguest-guest na lang. Nag-pray ulit ako dong. Sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, ito na ba ang sign?”

Sumagot ho ba ang Sto. Niño?

Hindi ko na hinintay dong! Baka ‘di ko kayanin. Kaya nang magkita kami ni Nadja dong, nag-smile na ako. Ang gaan sa dibdib dong. Para akong nabunutan ng matabang tinik.

Mabuti naman at pumayag makipag-ayos si Nadja sa inyo.

Dapat lang dong! Wala man siyang maipagmalaki sa akin. Talo ako sa Cebu, talo rin ang asawa niya sa Caloocan, third place. Ako, second place. Quits lang dong.

Naniniwala ho ba kayo sa karma?

Hindi ko gusto ang tabas ng tanong mo dong. Kung ayaw mong mag-walk out ako, ibahin mo!

Sige ho. Maiba ako. May kumakalat na tsismis na magiging lola na naman kayo. Totoo po bang magiging tatay na si Chard?

Sandali dong. ‘Di ba may lakad ka pa? Baka ma-late ka dong.

Ito na lang: ano pong lesson ang natutunan n’yo sa nakaraang eleksyon?

Masakit pala dong. Hinakot ko na ang mga artista ko sa Cebu dong. ‘Tapos nag-campaign ako sa Twitter pati Instagram. Talo pa rin dong. Pero pasalamat na rin ako dong dahil nakita ko ang buhay ng mahihirap. Wala silang arti sa bohay. Hanga ako sa kanila. Kaya ikaw Roffa, ‘wag masyadong maarti ‘day.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang si Roffa, June po ngayon. In 1994, may malaking nangyari sa buwang ito. Siguro naman natatandaan n’yo pa ang Manila Film Fest scam. Ano po ang

Alam mo dong, pisti ka. ‘Yon lang ang masasabi ko, pisti ka. Moved on ka na! Please lang.

Ay, sorry po. Sige, last question na lang. After n’yong matalo last May, you ranted on Twitter. Sabi n’yo, “I shall return.” Saan ho kayo babalik? Sa pulitika?

Hindi dong! Ang balikan ko, ‘yong 3 million kong donasyon kay Mayor Mike. Hoy Mike, if you have an iota of dilikadisa, ibalik mo ang pira ko dong!

So talagang paninindigan n’yo na ang paggamit ng “iota” sa interviews?

Oo naman! Without an iota of doubt. Dong!
————————————————————————————
“When we don’t put the brakes on our self-absorption, we have nothing stopping us from total self-destruction. We become the fruits of our actions.”
~ Zeena Schreck

In Other News
On June 18, 2013, the University of the Philippines turned 105. And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “Pwedeee!”

Official records show, Jack Enrile was last elections’ top spender – otherwise known as ‘the biggest loser.’

In Prague, Czech Prime Minister Petr Necas resigned after one of his top aides was linked to bribery and abuse of power. It’s called “command responsibility.” Or as Filipino politicians would say, “Ano ‘yon?!”

KampanyaSerye: Huling Hirit
To everyone who supports me in this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards, thank you very much. Ten percent of the total score will come from your votes. The rest will come from the judges. You can still vote every hour until June 20. Here’s the link. Maraming salamat po sa suporta. Hindi pa magsasara ang presinto. Boto na!

Tropical Storm Emong is here! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





LESBIANS

7 06 2013

THE JUNE 4 edition of PM Junior’s ‘Pugad Baboy’ talked about lesbians, homophobia, hypocrisy, and St. Scholastica. One of the characters in the comic strip asked, “’Di kaya tongril din ‘yung mga madre?” That was just offensive. St. Scholastica is an esteemed institution. How dare you say they’re “tongril?” You say Sapphist or Lizzie Maguire or les!

pol
Pol Medina Jr. apologized to St. Scholastica’s College for insinuating in his popular comic strip that beautiful students in the Catholic school were lesbians. In other news, Don Bosco students have asked PM Jr. to please not write about them.

St. Scholastica’s College president Sister Mary Thomas Prado threatened to sue the Philippine Daily Inquirer unless an inquiry on PM Junior’s cartoon was conducted. PDI acted swiftly. PM Junior was suspended and an apology was issued. It’s more nun in the Philippines!

The past few weeks have been challenging for satirists, and for comedians who dish out politically incorrect jokes. Thank goodness for thinking readers! And to those who are offended by my blog posts, I am sorry if I am not your definition of funny.

Sinotto
In the last days of session, Senate President Enrile and Majority Leader Tito Sotto decided to exit. Graceful!

In giving up his post, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said, “Pagod na ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana.” The feeling is mutual.

In a privilege speech Thursday, Tito Sotto shocked his colleagues when he quit as majority floor leader. And even more shocking, no part of that speech was plagiarized.

Two Serendra
A week after the explosion that ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium in Taguig City, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas declared that the incident was caused by an LPG leak – not by a bomb, not by terrorists, not by the previous administration.

Final Tally
The Comelec had completed its final tally. Officially, it’s Team PNoy, 9; UNA, 3, and Brillantes’ tantrums, 5.

No Smoking
Through Presidential Proclamation 183 signed in 1993, the month of June has been declared, ‘No Smoking Month.’ And President Aquino was like, “’Di nga?!?”

June has been declared ‘No Smoking Month.’ President Aquino can’t wait for July.


Out!
A week after her daughter “came out,” Charice Pempengco’s mother, Raquel admitted that she used to be a lesbian also. I wonder if she went to St. Scho too.

Last week, Charice admitted that she’s a lesbian. On Friday, her mother revealed she used to be a lesbian. Can’t wait for the grandmother’s statement.
——————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~G.K. Chesterton

Sound Bites
“Binigyan ako noon ng guidelines eh, ng Inquirer. Ito yung mga guidelines na hindi mo io-overstep. Viniolate ko lahat yon. Kasi sinusubukan ko kung hanggang saan ako pwede lagi eh. Tapos pumapayag yung editorial staff ng Inquirer na ilabas. Kaya naging bold ako eh… aba okey ah, nailabas yung strip ko tungkol sa black comedy. Lumabas yung strip ko tungkol sa race. Tungkol sa religion. Eh open-minded naman pala. Sa kaka-push ko nang ganun, na-overstep ko yung threshold ng good taste. ‘Yun yung nangyari dito talaga. Totoo to eh, inaamin ko.”
~Pugad Baboy creator Pol Medina Jr.via ABS-CBN News

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PHILIPPINE TYPHOONS: A GUIDE

5 06 2013

BREAKING: Juan Ponce Enrile has resigned as Senate President. There’s no truth to rumors though that he stepped down to do a third episode for ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya.’

SUMMER is almost over. Children are back to school. Soon, PAGASA will be warning us against weather disturbances. As a precautionary measure, here’s a guide to this year’s typhoons. Ingat!

111
Bagyong Erap
Sustained ang kanyang lakas ngunit pabagu-bago ng puwesto. Mahirap ma-predict ang lokasyon nito.

Bagyong Nancy
Bagamat bagong pasok pa lang, may kalakasan na. Zero visibility dahil sa itim na ulap at malakas na buhos ng ulan.

Bagyong Noynoy
Walang patawad. Isinisisi sa naunang bagyo ang pananalantang nararanasan ng mga tao.

Bagyong Mar
Nagpaparamdam lamang sa mga sosyal na lugar na may sosyal na condo units. Kung gaano ito kalakas, huwag mag-speculate. Hintayin ang babala ng mga awtoridad.

Bagyong Sixto Brillantes Jr.
Ang bagyong madaling mapikon. Lalong sumusungit ang panahon kapag pinapansin ng tao ang kanyang lakas.

Bagyong Binay
Around 2010 nang ma-detect ng satellite; nagbabantang manalanta beyond 2016.

Bagyong E.R.
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod nang lakas ang hangin.

Bagyong Bro. Eddie
Puwedeng daanin sa dasal.

Bagyong Cezar Mancao
Pansamantalang nawala sa radar ng PAGASA.

Bagyong Jessica
Isa siyang malakas na bagyo na may kabuntot na mas mahihinang bagyo. Hindi kaagad siya nagpaparamdam. Nauunang maramdaman ng publiko ang galit ng mga kabuntot niyang bagyo. Kapag medyo ramdam na ito ng publiko, saka niya ilalabas ang kanyang lakas at galit.

Bagyong Vice
Kung ikaw ang mismong tatamaan ng kanyang bagsik, masakit. Pero kung ibang tao, hindi mo siguro mapapansin na matindi pala siya. Ngunit ang bagyo ay bagyo. Hindi dapat gawing katatawanan.

Bagyong Gordon
Kinulang ang lakas upang ma-categorize bilang ganap na bagyo. Na-downgrade to a tropical storm.

Bagyong Cebu Pacific
Madalas na delayed ang entry o exit sa kalawakan ng bansa. Dahil sa ‘di matantyang galaw, malaki ang nagiging perhuwisyo.

Bagyong Miriam
Nagngangalit na panahon ang dala niya. Tatamaan ka ng kanyang kidlat kung tatanga-tanga ka.

Bagyong Kris
Agaw-atensyong sama ng panahon. Nagbabantang lilisanin ang Philippine Area of Reponsibility pero laging naaantala. Nawawala, bumabalik, heto na naman.

Bagyong Enrile
Sa unang patak ng kanyang ulan, amoy na amoy mo na ang singaw ng lupa.

Bagyong Gloria
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.

Bagyong Sotto
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.
————————————————————-
“When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.”
~Alice Hoffman

Sound Bites
“We just heard some rants from a bitter man. We just gave him his moment.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Senate President Enrile’s resignation

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EXPLOSION, CORRUPTION AND OTHER STORIES

1 06 2013

PRESIDENT AQUINO has signed Republic Act 10586 or the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” According to the new law, signs of drunk or drugged driving include “overspeeding, weaving, lane straddling, sudden stops, and swerving” – collectively categorized as “Things we normally see everyday.”

2dd
Republic Act 10586 shall allow cops to conduct sobriety tests on suspected drunk drivers. If a driver passes the test, he is allowed to conduct a sobriety test on the cop.

President Aquino approved the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” The law was principally authored at the Lower House by former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and son Dato – Or as the President would say, “I wasn’t aware of that.”

Stuck
A miffed President Aquino was forced to call MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Friday when he got stuck in traffic and arrived late in Taguig City for a speaking engagement. The President complained, “I did not expect it’s traffic everywhere.” And Dan Brown was like, “Told yah!”

1serendraExplosion
Some sad news. A huge explosion ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium at Bonifacio Global City Friday night. People were shocked to hear about the explosion and were even more shocked to see the President of the Republic of the Philippines himself at the explosion site shortly after the incident.

At press time, the cause of the explosion has not been determined but the President is not ruling out the involvement of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Anti-Corruption
President Aquino has signed a law designating December of every year as ‘Anti-Corruption Month.” Corrupt people in government thanked the President for the remaining 11 months.

If the President is serious on weeding out the corrupt in government, every month should be an “Anti-Corruption Month.”

Binay and Trapo
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted the Philippines to break free from traditional politics. The ‘Philippines’ replied, “You first!”

Economic Boom
The government reported an impressive economic growth of 7.8 percent in the first quarter of the year. Malacañang says “growth was felt in almost all sectors.” But not by the people (sector).

The Villafuertes
Defeated gubernatorial candidate and outgoing Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte Sr, 77 is filing an electoral protest against his 24-year-old grandson, incoming Cam Sur governor Migz Villafuerte. Villafuerte accuses his apo of “disputing, controverting and impugning the results of the elections.” Migz told his lolo, “You taught me well.”

Filthy Rich
Official records show 52 of 56 incumbent party-list representatives are multi-millionaires. There is no god.

Lozada
NBN-ZTE witness Jun Lozada who, himself, faces graft charges before the Ombudsman says he has lost faith in the administration’s “daang matuwid.” Sought for reaction, the “daang matuwid,” replied, “the feeling is mutual.”

1rizMissed Universe Crown
Miss Universe Canada declared a losing candidate as winner only to withdraw it later. Aga Muhlach remains hopeful.

It was an epic failure for Miss Universe Canada. On pageant night, the eventual fourth place finisher was declared winner due to a typo. She was later stripped of the title. But the embarrassed candidate says she won’t file a protest because she has accepted it, she has moved on, and she’s not a Filipino politician.

Riza Santos, the former PBB housemate who was crowned Miss Universe Canada was a former Miss Earth Canada and a former Miss World Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez of beauty pageants.

Vice Ganda
Vice Ganda (Jose Marie Viceral in real life) has made a public apology. One thing is certain though, netizens are still divided on the issue. Some are sympathetic to Vice Ganda while others are sympathetic to the weighing scale. (Disclaimer: This is a joke.)

James and Bimby
The Makati Regional Trial Court grants James Yap the right to visit his son James Yap Jr. But the judge says James cannot see his ex-wife Kris Aquino – to which the basketeer reacted, “Thank God!”

American Idol
Like fellow judge Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are leaving American Idol. The viewers too.
————————————————————–
“Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

1charSound Bites
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~Singing sensation Charice on “coming out”

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





CHICKEN!

21 05 2013

HERE ARE some answers to the age-old question, ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ from famous Filipinos.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jackie Enrile: Upang humanap ng murang pagkain at maraming pagkain.

Manny Pacquiao: You know.

Vice Ganda: Karapatan ng chicken na mag-cross ng road pero karapatan ko ring sabihin ang gusto kong sabihin dahil meron tayong freedom of speech: wala pang sapat na karanasan ang chicken sa pagtawid!

Risa Hontiveros: Siguro mas makabubuting pagdebatehan muna natin ang paksang ‘yan.

Nancy Binay: Wala po akong time na makipagtalo sa isyu ng pagtawid ng manok. Busy ako sa TV interviews dahil latecomer po ako. Ngayon na lang ako nagpa-interview.

UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco: We have received reports that someone manipulated the chicken into crossing that road.

Alfredo Lim: O, ‘wag kayong mag-alala, paiimbestigahan agad natin.

Supreme Court: A temporary restraining order is hereby issued to prevent the chicken from crossing the road again. So ordered.

ER Ejercito: Dahil hindi lang ‘yon ordinaryong manok. Sasabungin din ‘yon. At hindi lang basta sasabungin – lagi ‘yong nananalo!

Sixto Brillantes Jr: Wala namang masama sa pagtawid ah. Kung may maipakikita kayong anomalya sa ginawa ng manok, magre-resign ako!

Chiz Escudero: Ano’t ano pa man, dapat nating igalang ang naging pasya ng chicken. Manok man siya, walang sinuman ang may karapatang yurakan ang kanyang pagkahayup.

Kris Aquino: Dahil hinarass siya ng rooster sa harap mismo ng sisiw. Kitang-kita ng sisiw ang pangyayari. Na-trauma ang sisiw.

Cezar Mancao: Hindi kasi safe sa kinaroroonan niya kaya siya tumawid. May gustong pumatay sa kanya.

Ping Lacson: I have no interest in the chicken.

Anne Hathaway: Why not ask the chicken yourself?

Georgina Wilson: ugh! i hate meat but I only have one thing to say – whoever advised the chicken to cross that busy road was f**k**g stupid!

President Aquino: Aba malay ko! Sisihin n’yo ang dating administrasyon!
——————————————-
“Roads are no place for naive chickens dreaming of nirvana.”
~ Shalom Auslander, Hope: A Tragedy

Sound Bites
“Wala akong problema with Migz Zubiri and after everything has settled. I want to schedule a lunch or dinner with my friend, Migz Zubiri.”
~Senator-elect Koko Pimentel

To fellow Filipinos in Taiwan, stay safe and keep calm. This too shall pass.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





“ISANG BOTO KA LANG!”

10 05 2013

IT’S BEEN more than three weeks since “Vice Ganda” grilled senatorial candidate “Nancy Binay.” With the recent developments involving Nancy and Vice, I felt I had to schedule another one-on-one for this blog. Surprisingly, both of them were available and both agreed to do it for the second time. This conversation happened just last night. Exclusive!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Vice Ganda!


Hellllllowww! Hiiiiii! I’m suuuuuure sabik na sabik na naman kayo sa guest natin ngayong gabi. Mga intrigera! D’yan kayo magaling – gusto n’yo may nag-aaway, may nagsasabunutan, may nagtatalakan para may mapagtsismisan kayo! Anyway, hindi ko na kayo bibitinin pa. Palakpakan po natin ang aking bagong BFF – senatorial candidate Nancy Binay!

Hello po sa inyong lahat. Hi Vice! It’s a pleasure to be back here.

Etchosera! Pleasure pleasure ka d’yan! I’m sure napilitan ka lang.

Hindi naman po. Patapos na kasi ang kampanya at naisip kong pagbigyan naman ang mga nag-iimbita sa akin. At ikaw ang napili ko.

Wowwwww! So utang na loob ko pa pala ‘yon? Guilting-guilty naman ako!

Please don’t. May gusto lang kasi akong linawin sa mga sinabi mo sa iyong press con kahapon.

Ah gano’n? Malabo ang mga sinabi ko sa press con?!? Sinabi ko lang na ‘di kita iboboto, malabo na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng honest lang talaga ako?

Hindi ‘yon ang gusto kong linawin!

Sige, what part of “I DON’T LIKE YOU” ang ‘di mo naiintindihan?

HINDI KO NAMAN SINABING GUSTUHIN MO AKO EH!!!

HINDI TALAGA KITA GUGUSTUHIN DAHIL BABAE KA! GAGA!

Alam mo Vice, pumunta ako rito at pinagbigyan kita sa pag-aakalang igagalang ako ng programa.

Bakit??? Binastos ba kita?! Hinipuan ba kita? Nag-all caps lang ako dahil nag-all caps ka rin. Helllllo!

Pwede bang mag-stick na lang tayo sa isyu?

Ikaw ang isyu! Mag-stick tayo sa ‘yo! Simple lang ang sinabi ko: hindi ako bilib sa ‘yo dahil ni hindi ka naging barangay tanod man lang tapos agad-agad senador ang target mo?

FYI Vice, kung si Kris Aquino nga, umaming gusto niyang mag-OJT para sa 2016, ako Vice, FYI more than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko sa city hall. FYI lang!

Ba’t ba FYI ka nang FYI? iPod ka? Naka-loop?! So proud ka na no’n? Halos kuwarenta anyos ka na, OJT ka pa?

My point is…

Sandali! Point mo ba talaga ‘yan?

Hindi! Point mo ‘to Vice! Jooooke!

Sorry, hindi ka bumenta. Kulang ka sa timing. As you were saying… ?

My point is…

Nagamit mo na ‘yan. Isip ka ng iba.

Ok. What I was trying to say…

Utu-uto! Ha-ha! Continue!

More than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko.

Hindi ako bingi. Narinig ko na ‘yan kanina.

Nakita ko ang kalagayan ng mahihirap sa Makati at sa sister cities and municipalities nito nationwide. Nagpakain ako sa mga batang-kalye, nag-asikaso ng mga buntis na babae, nag-educate sa mga kabataan, nangaral sa mga biktima ng droga, at iba pa.

See???? Ang linaw-linaw! Dapat nag-apply ka muna sa DSWD! Ikaw ang perfect social worker! Hindi paggawa ng batas ang dapat sa ‘yo!

May karapatan akong tumakbo!

Sinabi ko bang wala?

Minamaliit mo ang kakayahan ko!

Sinabi ko bang hindi?

Isang boto ka lang.

Sinabi ko bang dalawa? Tanga! Pareho lang tayo! Tig-isa!

Hindi ko kailangan ang endorsement mo.

Wala akong plano!

Mukha kang kabayo.

Thank you. Ikaw, mukha kang hinete!

Namimersonal ka na.

Sorry naman. Pasensya. Ito na lang: kamakalawa nag-joke ka raw na ikaw ang “Blacker Kris Aquino.” Alam mo bang planong mag-file ng defamation case ni Krissy laban sa ‘yo?

Hindi n’ya gagawin ‘yon.

Alam ko. Kaya nga pinipilit ko siya eh. Charing! Joke lang. Political dynasties: ano ang stand mo?

This a free country.

Maliban sa cliché na “This a free country,” ano pang justification ang alam mo?

Bakit ba ang init-init mo sa pamilya namin?

Tinanong lang about political dynasties, pinag-iinitan na agad? Hindi ba pwedeng guilty lang talaga kayo? Sige, another issue na lang: sabi mo sa isang interview, biktima ka ng cyber bullying. In 30 seconds, why do you think you deserve it?

Because…

Don’t start a sentence with ‘because!’

I think I deserve it because…

Engot! Sasagutin mo talaga?!? Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Nakakaloka ka! Maiba ako: nanonood ka ba ng ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya?’

Ngayon?

Oo, ngayon! Habang kinakausap kita!

Ba’t ba ang bilis mong magalit Vice? Nagtatanong lang naman ako ah. Oo, nanonood ako ng MMK. Bakit?


Kung isasadula ang iyong buhay gaya ng ginawa sa life story nina Grace Poe, Alan Peter Cayetano at Juan Ponce Enrile (2 parts pa), sinong artista ang gusto mong gumanap bilang ‘Nancy Binay?’

Isa lang?

Hindi! Dalawa. May Siamese twin ka ‘di ba? Kung gusto mo tatluhin mo, para mas freaky.

Hay naku! Very Vice Ganda ka talaga.

Natural. Alangan namang maging Very Nancy Binay ako. Eeew.

Hayyy bahala ka na nga. Basta kung ako ang pipili, gusto kong gumanap sa akin si Julia Montes.

Teenager ka ‘teh? Kuwarenta ka na, Jumujulia Montes ka pa? Alam mo, may ibang mas bagay na gumanap sa character mo.

Kathryn Bernardo??

Hindi! Bernardo Bernardo! Chos!

In fairness sa ‘yo Vice, natawa ako. Wait, pwede ba akong magtanong?

Go!

Sabi mo sa interview Vice, and I quote, “Hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga buwitre… kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko.” Kami ba ang tinutukoy mong “buwitre?”

Hihiramin ko na lang ang linya ng asawa kong si Krissy, “I won’t answer that so I don’t have to lie.” Pak!

So kami nga ang tinutukoy mo?

Ba’t ba insistent kang buwitre kayo? Kung sasabihin ko bang hindi, maniniwala ka? Ito na lang ang sagutin mo. Dumadalas ang blackout sa Luzon. Ikaw ang sinisisi sa social media. May kinalaman ka raw ba?

Hindi ko sasagutin ang mga panlalait at below-the-belt na comments like that Vice. Itaas natin ang lebel ng debate.

Gaga! Paanong itataas eh ‘di ka nga sumisipot sa debate!?! Adik ka ‘teh?

Hindi. Ni sigarilyo nga hindi ko pa natitikman.

Anuba! Kainis ka! Napaka-literal mo!

UNA po ako, hindi Liberal.

Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Wait, bago tayo magpaalam, sa mga nagbabasa ng blog na ito, ‘wag po n’yong kalimutan ang aking concert, “I-Vice Ganda Mo ‘Ko’ next week na. Kokonti na lang po ang available tickets. Pa-reserve na kayo sa Ticketnet!

Pwede ba ‘kong manood Vice?

Wala nang ticket!!! Hindi mo ba ‘ko narinig? Kasasabi ko lang. Sold out na!

Pwede na lang ba akong mag-message?

Ano ‘to The Buzz? Startalk?

Eh ‘di ‘wag. Aalis na lang ako. May lakad pa ako.

Nagmamadali ka? May OJT ka pa?

Hindi ka na nakakatuwa.

Hindi ko obligasyong pasayahin ka! Pero sige… bilang pasasalamat sa pagdating mo ngayong gabi… bibigyan kita ng dalawang minuto para mangampanya. Free of charge!

Libre?!?

Hindi! May bayad! Kaya nga ‘free’ ‘di ba? Kasi may bayad! Start na!

Thank you Vice! Ahm… Sa mga minamahal kong kababayan. Nais ko pong

1111
Ayyyyyyyyyy! Brownout! Shit. Wala pa namang generator.

Vice, anjan ka pa ba? Hindi kita makita.

Wow. Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo. Visible ka ‘teh?

Masyado ka! Namimersonal ka na naman!

Hindi ‘yan pamimersonal! Kahit magdebate pa tayo.

‘Di na kailangan. I believe you.

[End of Interview]
—————————————————-
“It is better to deserve without receiving, than to receive without deserving.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Sound Bites
“Mayroon akong mga pamangking maliliit, hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga bwitre or sa mga taong maaaring mang-abuso sa mga pamangkin kong maliliit. Kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko, inaalagaan ko ang pagboto ko. Sa pamamaraang alam ko, hinihikayat ko ang mga taong bumoto nang tama.”
~Vice Ganda

“At the end of the day, he has just one vote.”
~Nancy Binay on Vice Ganda

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PDI]





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2013)

12 04 2013

ANOTHER DOSE of light bulb jokes for the weekend. Enjoy!

LB
Q: How many Franklin Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to hold the ladder. (Careful!)

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to slam the previous administration for the old, overpriced bulb.

Q: How many Toby Tiangcos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but on condition that you’ll first identify the group who paid for the new bulb.

Q: How many Jackie Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. She’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Teddy Casiños does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to criticize the government for approving the power rate hike.

Q: How many political dynasties does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll insist that there’s nothing wrong with the bulb.

Q: How many politicians and DPWH officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change it, another to change it again, and one more to change it for the third time even if the bulb is still working.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But he’ll ask the other senators to do it in exchange for bonuses.


Q: How many JV Ejercitos, Imee Marcoses and Manny Villars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Secret.

Q: How many Migz Zubiris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll quit the job halfway.

Q: How many Aga Muhlachs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Is he even a resident of the house?

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to change it, two to speak against the old bulb, and one to just quietly sit there and wonder why the changing of the bulbs has to be aired live on TV.

Q: How many Ongpaucos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen: 7 to change it, and 8 to reverse it.

Q: How many Catholic bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They refuse to accept change.

Q: How many South Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who needs artificial light when you have thousands of Moons and Suns?

Q: How many Mindanaoans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What for? They don’t have electricity.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Bakit pa? Wala naman silang kuryente.

Q: How many Ricky Los does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why not change it yourself?

Q: How many PUP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to burn the old bulb.

Q: How many UST students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it, one to write an editorial praising UST’s superiority over Ateneans and La Sallians when it comes to changing light bulbs.


Q: How many Kiefer Ravenas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to assist and one to change it.

Q: How many UP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100: one – to lift another so he could change the light bulb, and 98 to cheer them on.

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “I’m sorry pare but I’m busy with my new car eh. What’s a light bulb pare?”
——————————————-
“You have to find what sparks a light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“Before I die, I want to say that the one who killed my son is Jackie Enrile.”
~Retired Navy Capt. Ernesto Lucas, father of 19-year-old Ernest Jr. who was allegedly killed by Jackie Enrile in 1975

Have a great weekend!

[Photos: YahooPh]





PAPA AMERICANO

14 03 2013

Warning: This post may offend religious feelings. Continue reading at your own risk.

THE SEARCH is over. There’s a new pope… a new old pope.

1pope
Latin American Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76 was not considered as a frontrunner for pope. In fact, in the days leading up to the conclave, he was off the radar; suddenly he’s up there. Very Bam Aquino.

Breaking: The United Nationalist Alliance is questioning the result of the balloting.

Did you hear Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio’s first speech as pope? CNN said the speech was “unconventional.” Some people believe it was “refreshing” and Tito Sotto was like, “Where can I get a copy?”

A Jesuit from Buenos Aires, Argentina, Pope Francis is reportedly a humble man. Others say he’s also “brilliant” although for Cynthia Villar, “Hindi naman kailangang gano’n kagaling ang Pope.”

A cardinal from Argentina has been elected Pope! As winner, the new pope gets a new iPad from Jamby Madrigal.

A new pope has been elected. If things go wrong under his leadership, he can always blame the previous administration of Pope Macapagal-Arroyo.

A Latin American is the new pope. Perceived frontrunners including a Filipino were snubbed by the College of Cardinals. Malacañang smells a conspiracy.

1
Thousands of Catholics gathered in St. Peter’s Square to welcome the new pope. As throngs waited for the announcement, someone in the crowd shouted, “Tagle! Tagle!” And then Pope Francis appeared and said, “You don’t do that to me!”

With or without a new pope, Migz Zubiri said “we’ll make baby No. 3!”

For at least two hours on Thursday, the Top 10 trending topics on Twitter worldwide were all pope-related. No Justin Bieber, no One Direction. That was Pope Francis’ first miracle!

The Roman Catholic Church is facing daunting challenges. That’s probably the reason why they chose Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a Jesuit with a master’s degree in chemistry. He has the solutions.

Some reports say Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was the runner-up to Pope Benedict XVI in the 2005 conclave. I didn’t know Vatican adopts beauty pageant rules. “If for any reason…”

Ok, it’s done. We have a new pope. The frenzy is starting to subside. The Roman Catholic Church can now continue promoting its anti-homosexual, anti-women, and anti-choice stance. Habemus papam!
——————————————-
“I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance and Other Essays

Sound Bites
“When I approached Pope Francis to assure him of closeness and collaboration of Filipinos, he said, ‘I have high hopes for the Philippines.’”
~Manila Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





PANGKABUHAYAN

1 03 2013

THROUGH THIS BLOG, Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc. would like to relay this message:

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile
Senate President Pro Tempore Jinggoy Estrada
Senator Ramon ‘Bong’ Revilla Jr.
Buhay Party-list Rep. Rene Velarde

Sirs:

Kami po ay taos-pusong nagpapasalamat sa inyong ipinaabot na tulong-pinansyal sa aming organisasyon – ang Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc.

Hindi po biro ang natanggap naming halaga mula sa inyong Priority Development Assistance Fund o pork barrel.

Para po sa kaalaman ng publiko, ito po ang ibinahagi sa amin:
Mula kay Senador Jinggoy: ₱106.7 million
Mula kay Senador Enrile: ₱74.69 million
Mula kay Senador Revilla: ₱9.7 million
Mula kay Buhay Rep. Velarde: ₱3.88 million
Total: Almost ₱195 million

Happiness!

Inaasahan na po namin ang denial mula sa inyong mga kampo. Hindi na po kami magugulat kung igiit n’yong wala kayong alam sa alokasyong ito. Wala na ring masosorpresa kung itanggi n’yong pamilyar kayo sa aming grupo. Wala naman po talagang umaamin. Ever.

Pero hindi namin kayo masisisi. Mahirap madungisan ang pangalan lalo na sa panahon ng halalan.

Totoo man o hindi na wala kayong alam, irrelevant na po sa amin ‘yon. Problema n’yo na ‘yon at ng COA. Ang importante, happy kami sa nalikom naming halaga.

Sa Commission on Audit… nais naming ipaabot ang hinanakit sa panghuhusga. Kesyo ‘di n’yo kami mahanap, bogus na? Hindi ba pwedeng, naglipat lang muna? I’m sure marami d’yang tulad namin. Huwag sana kaming masyadong pag-initan.

Muli, maraming salamat sa mga senador at kongresistang naglaan ng milyun-milyong piso sa Pangkabuhayan Foundation. Ipagpatuloy n’yo lang ang pagtulong. (Let’s talk later.)

Sa mga miyembro ng Senado at Kongreso na nais ring mag-donate, ikagagalak namin kayong maging ‘partner.’
Send us an email: paraparaangpangkabuhayan@rumaraketlang.net.

Mabuhay!

Sincerely,
Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc.
Address: TBA
Telephone: We’ll call you.
#AlamNa!

untitledNope Benedict
For the last time, Pope Benedict XVI boarded a helicopter and left the Vatican. But the pilot got confused and the helicopter landed on the venue of the Survivor finalé.

The Vatican has removed Benedict XVI’s tweets – all of them. Doing what the Vatican does best – coverup.

Pope Benedict XVI’s tweets have been removed by the Vatican. Benedict is giving up Twitter for Lent.

untitled
The Vatican has deleted Pope Benedict XVI’s official account on Twitter… prompting the ex-Pope to re-join Friendster.

Wait a minute. So the next Pope automatically gets 1.6 million followers? Unfair!

BREAKING: The Commission on Audit is releasing a damaging report on Pope Benedict XVI

From My Inbox
Reports say Filipino Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, one of the youngest members of the College of Cardinals, is a potential candidate to succeed Benedict XVI. There have been rumors though that if Tagle gets the coveted post, some senior cardinals may skip the flag ceremony. (Sent by Mr. Joji Isla)

In Japan…
The Guinness Book of World Records has named 114-year-old Misao Okawa of Osaka, Japan the oldest woman in the world. Okawa’s nursing home director says the centenarian eats “everything” and “anything she wants.” I knew it! Dieting shortens life!
————————————
“Power attracts the corruptible. Absolute power attracts the absolutely corruptible.”
~Frank Herbert

Sound Bites
“The demolition work against UNA leaders has intensified because the LP cannot deny what is happening on the ground: Big crowds are attending UNA rallies and sorties, while their political events are nilalangaw.”
~UNA spokesperson Toby Tiangco on the COA Report

“Thank you for your love and support. May you always experience the joy that comes from putting Christ at the centre of your lives.”
~Pope Benedict XVI’s last tweet

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





EKSKLUSIBO: JUAN VS. PEDRO

24 01 2013

TODAY: THREE GUEST interviewers in three exclusive interviews on Wednesday’s one big Senate fight. Are you ready?

But first, here are excerpts from the heated exchange between Senator C and Senator E, in case you missed.

Cayetano-EnrileSenator C:
Ang isyu, pondo ng Senado para sa mamamayan. Ang pondo ay hindi para sa senador lang, hindi niya pera ito kundi pera ng mamamayan. Pero hindi ko po sinabi na magnanakaw ang mga senador. Bakit ba kayo inis at galit sa akin personally? Ang dahilan: sapagkat napakalapit po ninyong dalawa ni Attorney Gigi sa dating Pangulong GMA at kay First Gentleman at ako ay kritiko nila.

Senator E:
May I respond? Alam mo, ang isyu eh hindi ‘yong mag-asawang Arroyo. Ang isyu, may utang pa sa akin ang ama mo! Kapal ng mukha n’yo. Thirty-seven million pesos, wala pa d’yan ang interest!

Senator C:
Wala pong katotohanan ‘yan Mr. Senate President! Sa bawat 250,000 ninyong kasinungalingan ni Attorney Gigi, meron akong 1.6 milyong katotohanan.

Senator E:
Heto ang pruweba! Ako ang nagpatayo ng opisina ng tatay mo para may ipakain siya sa pamilya n’yo!

Senator C:
Ulol! Hindi kami kumakain ng opisina Mr. Senate President. At ‘wag n’yong idamay ang taong patay na at walang kakayahang magtanggol sa sarili niya. Wala kaming utang sa ‘yo!

Senator E:
Gago! ‘Yong kahoy na ginamit sa inyong bahay; ‘yong mga pako at bisagrang binili ko para sa pinto ng kuwarto niya. ‘Tsaka ‘yong exhaust fan sa kusina n’yo. Sa akin galing lahat ‘yon!

Senator C:
Wala kayong karapatang magsalita ng ganyan. Pinaglingkuran kayo nang tapat ng aking ama noong kasikatan ng PECABAR Law Office. Just imagine kung wala siya, PEBAR lang ‘yon. Ang pangit pakinggan! Promise.

Senator E:
Bakit? Anong utang na loob ko sa inyo?

Senator C:
Ah gano’n? Pwes, ibubunyag ko na lahat! He practically gave his life to you Mr. Senate President! Noong panahon ni President Cory, kayo’y nakulong, siya ang katabi n’yo. Noong panahon ng EDSA Revolution, siya ang katabi n’yo. Tiniis namin ang mga tsismis, ang pangungutya, at ang bulung-bulungan na may relasyon kayong dalawa. Ngunit ang pinakamasakit, may mga moments na napapaisip din ako: ‘sila nga kaya?’ But no. My father was just a loyal and devoted friend to you. And then here you are, nanunumbat ng utang sa kahoy!?! Ang cheap huh!

Senator E:
Cheap ka rin! Kahoy na nga lang inutang pa ng ama mo! Sinong cheap ngayon?

Senator C:
Eh bobo pala kayo eh! Bakit ‘di n’yo s’ya siningil noong nabubuhay pa siya? Bakit ngayon ka lang nagrereklamong ‘di ka nabayaran. Helllo!

Senator E:
Tama na Alan! Semilya ka pa lang, nasa gobyerno na ako! I will not go down to the gutter.

Senator C:
You’re already there Mr. Senate President! You and your chief of staff na si Attorney Gigi! In fact, you’re both on your way to the murky waters of Laguna de Bay!

Senator E:
Ay, ang OA huh! Laguna de Bay kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng estero muna?

Senator C:
Enough Manong Johnny! Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, buma-Vice Ganda ka pa. Tutukan na lang natin ang isyu.

Senator E:
Bayaran mo muna ang kahoy!

Senator D:
Mr. President, Mr. President, can we ask for a one-minute recess with your permission?

Session suspended

WE TURN YOU OVER TO TITO BOY KASAMA ANG 1.6M-PESO CHECK NA PINAG-AAWAYAN NGAYON SA SENADO.

Kumusta?

Okay naman Tito Boy.

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Ikaw ba ay Christmas gift, realigned budget, o suhol?

Flexible ako Tito Boy. I can be all of them. 3-in-1 kumbaga, depende rin sa senador. Minsan, ako ay realigned budget for real projects. In short, straight. Pero siyempre, maraming tukso sa paligid kaya nagagastos ako ng mga senador sa ilang personal na bagay. Ang tawag naman sa akin: curious. But! May mga ‘di nakakaramdam ng hiya. Ibinubulsa. Walang resi-resibo. Walang pakundangan sa paglustay sa pera ng bayan. Ang tawag naman do’n: lantad.

Matagal ka na ba sa Senado?

Opo. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ngayon lang ako iniintriga. Para po sa inyong kaalaman, matagal ko na silang pinapaligaya. Marami na akong pinasaya.

‘Yong mga ordinaryong tao, hindi man lang nararamdaman ang bonus kapag Pasko. Hindi ka ba nakukunsensya?

Mali ang tanong Tito Boy. Hindi ba SILA nakukunsensya!?

You’re a tough cookie.

Tough cheke Tito Boy.

Sabi ko nga. Ano namang masasabi mo sa news na paiimbestigahan ka raw sa COA. Private audit ang gusto ng iba.

Mauutak ang mga amo ko sa Senado. Madaling mag-produce ng resibo. Madaling “lumikha” ng proyekto. Bring it on.

Mr. 1.6 M check, maraming salamat sa pagkakataon. Ikaw na!

No, Tito Boy… ikaw na!

Thank you. Puntahan naman natin ang kontrobersyal kong kababayan at kaibigang Ricky Lo kasama ang iniintrigang KAHOY! Ricky, the wooden floor is yours!


Salamat Boy. Kasama ko ngayon ang ‘di pa nababayarang kahoy na ginamit daw sa bahay ng mga Cayetano. Ahhhm, my first question is ahhhm… you’ve lost weight. Noong ideliver ka ng lumber supplier, mabigat ka pa.

I don’t wanna talk about that.

A-hi-hi-hi So, how did you prepare for your role in the Cayetano household, in Taguig right?

Yeah. It was really challenging. There’s a lot of pressure. Kasi nga inutang lang ako kay Senator E. Kapag nasira kaagad, d’yahe. So kailangan kong pakatatag.

Ahi-hi-hi. Since matagal ka na rito sa bahay ng mga Cayetano… have you seen Senator C and his wife make love?

That’s a very personal question.

Ahi-hi-hi I have a friend in Novaliches, Quezon City. The name is Christopher. Can’t wait daw s’ya to visit the Cayetano home just to see you.

Oh really? Christopher? I adore him. A great artist; such a fine actor. Christopher de Leon right?

No, Christopher Min.

‘k.

Any message to Christopher?

We’ve already talked about it.

Ahi-hi-hi Would you like to explain why until this day Senator E’s claiming that you haven’t been paid by the Cayetanos?

Why not explain it yourself? I’m sure your readers would rather hear it from you.

Ahihi-hi Thank you Kahoy. Hito naman si KRISSY with the woman of the hour, ATTY. GIGI.


Thanks Tito Ricky. Helllooooo there! So you’re Gigi! Bongga ka. How do you feel na sangkot ka sa isyu at pinag-uusapan ka ng buong bayan?

It’s really unfortunate Krissy. I’m just doing my job.

Your job or Senator Enrile’s job? Joooooke! Teka, sabi ni Alan, close ka raw sa kalaban ng wife n’yang mayora. So, politics talaga ang ugat ng galit mo sa mga Cayetano?

gg
It’s not personal Krissy. Trabaho lang talaga.

Ayyyyyy, lyinggggg! Aha-ha-ha. Anyway, naintriga ako sa statement ng lolo mo. Sabi ni Alan, and I quote, “Sa bawat 250,000 kasinungalingan, may 1.6 milyong katotohanan akong alam tungkol kina Senator E at Atty. Gigi.” Parang he’s implying something.

Ikaw lang ‘yan Krissy.

Ganooooooo’n? Ako pa ang madumi ang utak ngayon? Nakakaloka ka! Anyway, I’m in a hurry kasi may shoot pa ako for “Kailangan Ko’y Ikaw.” Diretsahan na. May affair ba kayo ni Senator E?

Krissy naman. I am a married woman. My boss was is a married man, ‘was’ pala. I mean, ‘is.’ Final na. At matino akong tao. Edukada. Hindi ako pumapatol sa taong may asawa. Eh ikaw?

Excuse me! Wala kang karapatang kuwestyunin ang morals ko. I hate you naaaa. Hmpf! Thank you na nga lang.

You’re welcome Kris.

Wait! Tumataba ka girl! Promise! Ayyy, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Thank you ulit Attorney.

-End of Interview-

Note: In the interest of fairness, we did try to get the side of the late senator Rene Cayetano but he declined to comment on the issue. He just sent us this text message:
“Despite our differences, Manong Johnny will always be a friend and a mentor. I can’t wait to see him. Thank you!”
—————————————————————–
“Politics, a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.”
~Ambrose Pierce

Sound Bites
“Bakit ba kayo inis at galit sa akin personally? Dahil dati na po kayong galit sa akin sapagkat napakalapit po ninyong dalawa ni Atty Gigi sa dating Pangulong GMA at kay First Gentleman. Kasama naman po talaga kayo noon ‘di ba, sa planning group at sa asar na isang katulad ko ay pwedeng tumayo sa Kongreso at labanan sila. At diba si Ma’am Gigi, best friend po niya ang asawa ni Justice Tinga na nakalaban ng asawa ko sa Taguig. At ang hipag naman ni Ma’am Gigi o sister-in-law niya ay isang konsehal sa Taguig na number 1 kritiko ng aking asawa. So every time may hearing dito, pati si Chairman Brillantes, sa inyong opisinang diretso, ako ang inuupakan at minsan tinutulungan niyo pa kaya nagkakasagutan tayo.”
~Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano, Privilege Speech, January 23, 2013

Enjoy the rest of the week!

[Gigi Reyes' photo from ABS-CBNNews.com; other pix from Google unless specified]





SPOOKY

26 10 2012

ALL SAINTS’ DAY is coming up. For three years now, a friend has been winning the Scariest Costume Award. In previous Halloween parties, he came as an axe murderer, Frankenstein, and Nosferatu. This year, he plans to come as the Cybercrime Law.


The local government of Quezon City is holding its annual Halloween party. Quezon City Councilor Roderick Paulate will come as a ghost employee.

In Sarangani, vice gubernatorial bet Jinkee Pacquiao is also keen on winning an award. She plans to come wearing her original face.

Congressional candidate Aga Muhlach faces a tough challenge this Halloween. Liberal Party stalwarts want him to dress up as a Bicolano.

Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno is planning a costume party for the magistrates and Supreme Court employees next week. When senior justices heard this, they agreed to come as ‘invisible men.’

Halloween is supposed to be the scariest day of the year… unless you’re Manny Pacquiao, then it’s December 8.

Last year, a bunch of kids in expensive costumes accessorized with bling-blings and jewelry went trick-or-treating. Asked if they were dressed up as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s kids, they replied, “Nope. We’re marginalized party-list representatives.”

This Halloween, my friends and I plan to go trick-or-treating too. Our first stop: the Aquino sisters’ homes. But we want cash not candies so we’ll probably be dressed up as Akbayan leaders.

Noynoy and Risa
An ABS-CBNNews.com report says President Aquino is being linked to Akbayan Representative Risa Hontiveros. This early, Anakbayan members are thinking of ways to disrupt the wedding.

Apparently, there have been rumors romantically linking President Aquino to Akbayan senatorial candidate Risa Hontiveros. Tale as old as time…

Under Fire
In Manila, a burly and angry customer identified as John Paul Encinas attacked a restaurant cashier last Monday. When the CCTV footage of the incident was shown on TV, Philip Morris Philippines immediately issued a statement denying that Encinas was their employee.

Overseas
Rumors say Fidel Castro is losing his fight against cancer. To disprove the rumor, Castro made a public appearance, then on live TV, ordered the immediate arrest, detention, torture and execution of cancer.

For the first time in years, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro made a public appearance in Havana disproving and laughing off rumors he has died or is dying of cancer. I’m sorry Mr. Castro but soon, you’ll die. You cannot live forever. You’re not Juan Ponce Enrile.

Virgin, Anyone?
Catarina Migliorini, a Brazilian student auctioned off her virginity for $780,000. The winning bidder was a Japanese man – which means, Catarina would remain a virgin even after sex.
—————————————
“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.”
~Mark Twain

Quote of the Day
“I don’t think our people will be mad at me. I think they will be mad at those pretending to be ill.”
~President Aquino on his wheelchair joke

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ANG ALAMAT NG PEKENG PARTY-LIST GROUP

20 10 2012

ISANG ARAW, nagising si Congressman Mando Rugas dahil sa napakasamang panaginip.


“Matatapos na nga pala ang termino ko sa Mayo. Paano na ang mga negosyo ko? Paano na ang komisyong nakukuha ko sa pinondohang mga proyekto? Paano na ang lobby money na kikitain ko? Paano na ang pamilya ko? Paano na ang mga inaanak ko? Paano na ang mga kababayan ko? Kawawa naman sila!” ang pag-aalala ni Congressman.

Hindi na kasi ito qualified for reelection kaya’t pagka-gobernador naman ang kanyang tatakbuhan. Matagal nang nababalitang hiwalay si Congressman sa kanyang misis kaya’t atubili siyang pakiusapan na ito ay kumandidato.

Worried ang mambabatas dahil hindi pa siya lubusang nakakabayad ng utang na loob sa mga illegal loggers, jueteng operators, at drug lords na malaki ang naging ambag sa kanyang campaign chest noong nakaraang eleksyon.

“Aha! Si Junior na lang! Tama! Si Junior na lang ang papalit sa akin,” ang nakangiting sabi ng kongresista.

Ngunit si Junior ay hindi naman gaanong kilala sa kanilang distrito. Lumaki at nag-aral ito sa Maynila at mas hilig nito ang mag-party at mag-travel. Mahihirapan siyang manalo kung tatakbo sa Kongreso.

“Aha number 2! Tama! Party-list! Party-list na lang!”

Naisip ni Congressman, tiyak na wala pang kumakatawan sa mga taong binubuni, ina-an-an, inaalipunga, ini-eczema, hinahadhad at ginagalis sa Pilipinas. Besides, nakakalat sa buong bansa at maging sa ibayong dagat ang potential constituency ni Junior.

“Aha number 3! Tama! Sila na lang ang magiging constituents ni Junior. Sa totoo lang, marginalized sector naman talaga sila ‘di ba? Iniiwasan, pinandidirihan, at nilalayuan sila ng lipunan. ‘Yan ang depinisyon ng marginalized, right?”

Tinawag ni Congressman ang kanyang mga loyal supporters upang lumikha ng pangalan para sa bagong party-list group. Ilan sa mga mungkahi ang sumusunod:

1-An-anin, Atbp.

1-Aba Eh Galis! (1-An-an Buni Alipunga Eczema Hadhad Galis)

1-SKIN (Sakit Kailangang Itigil Natin)

1-E-BAHAG (1- Eczema – Buni Anan Hadhad Alipunga Galis)

Pero dahil gusto ni Congressman na medyo modern-sounding at may mass appeal ang binubuong party-list group, ito ang napili niyang pangalan:

1-ANSABE! (Alyansa ng mga Nilalayuang Sakitin sa Balat… Eeeew)

Medyo pilit pero puwede na.

Sa wakas, nabawasan ang pag-aalala ni Congressman Mando Rugas. Tuloy ang ligaya sa Kamara!

Umaasa ang kongresista na magkakaisa ang “constituents” ni Junior sa buong Pilipinas upang iluklok sa puwesto ang boses ng maliliit na taong may sakit sa balat.

“Mabuhay ang mga binubuni! Mabuhay ang mga ina-an-an! Mabuhay ang mga ginagalis! Mabuhay ang mga hinahadhad! Mabuhay ang mga ini-eczema! Mabuhay ang party-list system sa Pilipinas!”

At ‘yan ang alamat ng party-list group.

Ansabe?
—————————————————————–
“Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction.”
~Erich Fromm

Quote of the Day
“Thank you Lord for the blessings today. I can now pay for my scholars’ tutition fees which were not paid because my PDAF was withheld.”
~Zambales Rep. Milagros ‘Mitos’ Magsaysay via Twitter

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





THEY HAVE SPOKEN

3 10 2012

BREAKING:
World leaders have spoken on the Cybercrime Prevention Act which takes effect starting Wednesday, October 3 in the Philippines. Here are their statements.


“The Philippine government is doing just fine. What’s with the outrage?”
~Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, Pyongyang


“I love very much the Philippine country begins  October 3! Your government are the goodest.”
~President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Tehran


“I wanted visits to Manila very near date. Chinese citizen want to congratulate law maker. We was proudest for you!”
~Hu Jintao, Beijing


“No more Cory. Cory dead. No more Ninoy. Ninoy dead. I like this developements of the son. I love Philippine gov’t.”
~Senior General Than Shwe, Myanmar


“People easy to stop. Just ready strong military and policeman. Stop criticism in online Internet. You are great Manila!”
~Bashar al-Assad, Damascus


“Hola! To Philippinos, you love quietness! My people are quiet. They love me. They love quiet.”
~Fidel Castro, Havana


“Mabuhay Filippine President. Online libel was beautiful. Good jobs!”
~The Taliban of Peshawar and Kandahar

“Umayos kayo!”
~UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon
—————–
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
~Gloria Steinem

Elsewhere:
Forbes: The Philippines Passes a Cybercrime Prevention Act that Makes SOPA Look Reasonable

When In Manila: Best Cybercrime Law Memes: 12 Years Jail Time for this Cyber Crime Meme

Word of the Lourd: Cybercrime Law

Enjoy the rest of the week. Freedom!





THE EPAL QUIZ IV

19 09 2012

IT WILL NEVER be an easy task. We’re up against a culture of shameless self-promotion involving influential and powerful personalities. But as recent developments have shown, impossible is nothing. Some people say the anti-epal campaign is just a fad. Let’s prove them wrong.

Here’s Part 4 of our series of ‘epal’ quizzes. Pencils up… good luck!


1: Mula sa lalawigan ng Camarines Sur, ano ang kinalaman ng mag-amang nasa larawan sa libreng pagpapaanak?
A: Personal savings nila ang ginamit sa proyekto; palakpak naman kayo!
B: Sila ang automatic na ninong ng mga sanggol na isisilang
C: ‘Yong nasa kanan, eksperto sa raspa; ‘yong nasa kaliwa naman, may background sa panghihilot


2: Sa Antipolo City, may medal ang mahuhusay na estudyante. Salamat kay Mayor Nilo Leyble! Ano kaya ang ginawa ng honor student pag-uwi sa bahay?
A: Sumuka. Hindi kinaya ang nakita niyang pangalan at mukha sa medalya.
B: Tinangkang isangla ang medal pero walang pawnshop na tumanggap.
C: Lumuhod sa harap ng altar at naglabas ng sama ng loob: “Lord, nag-aral naman akong mabuti. Pero bakit ito pa ang inyong iginanti?


3: Bakit may pangalan ng alkalde ng Quezon City sa government-owned truck?
A: May space eh, sayang naman. Minaximize na lang.
B: Alangan namang pangalan mo ang ilagay. Mayor ka ba?
C: Inggit ka? Bumili ka rin ng truck!


4: “Road Drainage Improvement” Basahin ang huling linyang nakasulat sa karatula. Ang sabi: “Buwis na Binayaran, Para Sa…”
A: Malaking pangalan!
B: Malinaw na kaepalan.
C: Wala akong pakialam. Ang gusto kong malaman, nasaan ang drainage project? Nasaaannn!!!!


5: “TWO HUNDRED PESOS ONLY Serbisyong Suarez Health Coupon: Lingap Kalusugan Para sa Quezonian.” May gusto kang malaman?
A: Para sa kalusugan ba ‘yan o para sa halalan?
B: Two hundred pesos? Hanggang saan aabot ang 200 pesos?
C: May discount ba sa drug store kapag ipinakita ang mukha ni Governor?


6: Wow, bagong pintura ang waiting shed. Anong say mo?
A: Wala na akong masabi! Umeepal pati kapre!
B: Grabeng accomplishment naman ‘yan. At take note: ipinangangalandakan! Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa inyo.
C: Nakikibasa ka lang! Kung ayaw mong sumilong, magtiis ka sa ulan!


7: Ano ang reaksyon mo sa ipinamahaging relief goods ni Valenzuela City Councilor Adrian Dapat?
A: Wow! Ano ‘yan? Bagong brand? Available pa kaya sa market?
B: Pwedeng kumanta na lang? 1, 2, 3! Mula asukal hanggang toyo, saan ka man may sardinas tayo. Isang libo’t isang tuwa, Valenzuela, na-bulaga!
C: ‘Buti na lang hindi sanitary napkin ang ipinamigay n’ya. Imagine, gagamitin ni Ate ang pasador ‘tapos nandun ang mukha niya?! Awkward.


8: Titigan ang pader: Nababasa n’yo ba ang pangalan nina Parañaque COUNCILOR – B E N J O – B E R N A B E at M A Y O R – JUN – B E R N A B E?
A: ‘Asan? ‘Asan ang mga pangalan? Meron ba? Wala akong makita.
B: Aping-api naman ‘yong dalawa. Sana nilakihan nang konti para mabasa.
C: Naman! Kahit yata sa ibang planeta o sa kalawakan, visible pa rin ‘yang kaepalan na ’yan.


9: Basahin muna ang nakasulat sa streamer. Ano ang nararapat na caption sa larawan?
A: Patay tayo d’yan!
B: Nagdadalamhati o Nagpapa-pogi?
C: Kasama n’yo kami sa kalungkutan; samahan n’yo kami sa halalan.


10: Kuha sa Angeles City, Pampanga. “Boses ng kababaihan.” What say you?
A: Boses ng kababaihan o boses ng kaepalan?
B: Faceless pa, shameless na!
C:Let’s play Pinoy Henyo! Tao ba ‘to? OO! Pulitiko? Pwede! Babae? OO! Babaeng pulitiko? OO! Epal? Tumpakerkerz!!! (Kayo ang pasok sa jackpot round!)

Quote of the Day
“Wouldn’t it be good if the energy & effort spent in going after epal streamers were equally spent in highlighting good works? Dont’t get me wrong, I’m for the anti-epal movement & am happy that it has caught on. I just think there are other aspects to citizen vigilance.”
~Customs Commissioner Ruffy Biazon

IN OTHER NEWS…
The latest SWS survey showed 7 of 10 traders see less corruption in government offices. The other 3 were more realistic.

Trillanes vs. Enrile
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile and Senator Antonio Trillanes had a heated debate Wednesday afternoon on the latter’s role as a backdoor negotiator of the Philippines with China. Trillanes called Enrile, “a bully.” Enrile called Trillanes “a fraud.” Beijing called and said, “Great!”

Nueva Camarines
Sen. Antonio Trillanes accused Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile of exerting efforts to railroad a proposed bill that will divide the province of Camarines Sur after allegedly receiving a call from former President Arroyo who was supportive of the measure. And Mrs. Arroyo was like, “Shabi na nga ba ako na naman eh. Buti na lang i have braced myshelf up for this messsh.”

Fliptop Battle Special Edition: Enrile vs. Trillanes
Juan Ponce Enrile:

Ang dami mong satsat, ang dami mong yakyak
Kapag nasukol naman, umuurong ang bayag
Noong una sa Oakwood, ngayon naman sa Senado
Walkout ang drama mo boy, iwas-pusoy sa argumento!

Antonio Trillanes IV:
Manahimik ka d’yan tanda baka ‘di ako makapagpigil
FYI: walang walkout; kailangan ko lang juminggle
Umamin ka na kasi, nag-usap kayo ni Arroyo
Kahit kailan balimbing ka, diretso ka sa impyerno!

Enrile:
Dahan-dahan ka boy sa iyong pananalita
May gatas ka pa sa labi, meron ka pang muta
Ano ‘to, coup d’etat sa Senate presidency?
Baka mapahiya ka lang, wala kang kakampi!

Trillanes:
Ah leche, basta… no to Cam Sur 2!
Ito ang usapin, ‘wag mong iligaw ang isyu.

Enrile:
Takot ka lang boy ‘pag China ang paksa
Bobo ka kasi, binenta mo ang bansa!

Trillanes:
Break it down!

Enrile:
O, walkout ka na naman!

Trillanes:
Break it down!!

Enrile:
Fraud!

Trillanes:
Break it down!!!

Enrile:
Coward!

Trillanes:
Ah ganun?! Fake 1972 ambush!
1980s coup d’etat!
May 1995 dagdag-bawas pa!

Enrile:
Fine!
Break it down!
————————————————————
“Hypocrites get offended by the truth.”
~Jess C. Scott, Bad Romance: Seven Deadly Sins Anthology

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Personal:
Many thanks again to the following for the images used here: Epal Watch, TaoPo.Org, Epal Alert on Facebook, Simpleng Garapal,  @oehreyes, Dr. John Ortiz Teope, Support Anti-Epal on Facebook, Linkyuu Sho Mai, Mai Urduja, Rommel Tiongco, Maki Nito, and Jonathan Jingco Cayanan

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





ARROGANCE

18 07 2012

SENATOR JINGGOY ESTRADA shot down the proposal of his half-brother Cong. JV Ejercito to form a “super coalition” between the Liberal Party and the United Nationalists Alliance for next year’s midterm elections. It would really be difficult for Joseph Estrada to coalesce his PMP with LP; he couldn’t even unite Jinggoy and JV.


Reacting to Cong. JV Ejercito’s proposal, presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said, “I thought the UNA was the team to beat, so why are they asking for a coalition with LP?” Lacierda made Mar Roxas so proud.

Congressman JV Ejercito admitted that he was surprised by Edwin Lacierda’s “arrogance.” For a moment, JV thought Lacierda was Jinggoy Estrada.

Relieved
A policeman who was driving a van was relieved of his post for not giving way to President Aquino’s convoy along Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City Tuesday morning. If this happened in Davao City, the cop would probably be eating the van right now.

Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said Senior Police Officer 2 Ricardo Pascua who was relieved of his duties “was arrogant.” And SPO2 Pascua was like, “Look who’s talking!”

SPO2 Ricardo Pascua is being investigated for not giving way to the presidential convoy. Defending himself, Pascua explained he thought the President was serious when he promised, “Kayo ang boss ko.”

Eponyms
Pastry shop Hizon’s is naming one of its desserts after Comedy King Dolphy. Meanwhile, Dragon Fireworks is naming one of its deadly firecrackers after Annabelle Rama.

McRodent
Health authorities confirmed that a McDonald’s customer in Temuco, Chile found a rat’s tail in his hamburger. The store manager denied rumors it was a publicity stunt for their new offering, the MiceValue Meals.

A McDonald’s customer in Temuco, Chile found a rat’s tail in his hamburger. The restaurant was ordered shut down but this morning it decided to reopen after changing its name to Mouse Donald’s.

Erroneous Forecast
Local officials in the Netherlands demanded that weather forecasters who got their predictions wrong should be fined but not fired. Dr. Prisco Nilo wished he was Dutch.

Eat Bulaga Milestone
The Philippines’ longest-running TV show “Eat Bulaga” has an international edition now. “Eat Bulaga Indonesia” premiered last Monday, July 16 on Surya Citra Televisi. Not to be outdone, online rumors say Vientiane Television will soon launch “Happy Yipee Yehey Laos.”
——————————————
“Arrogant people beat each other.”
~Toba Beta

Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“Mr. President, dying mothers & starving children need your protection. The best legacy you can leave behind is the RH Bill.”
A: Congresswoman Lucy Torres-Gomez
B: Congresswoman Carmen Cojuangco
C: Party-list Rep. Luzviminda Ilagan
D: Party-list Rep. Kaka Bag-ao

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Answer to Quotes Quiz: B

Disclosure:
The Professional Heckler has appeared in a Jollibee Foods, Corp. advertorial.








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