CONFUSED

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.

Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

————————–
“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!

April 22nd
On this date in…

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil. Amazon tribesmen didn’t notice the Portuguese were coming because they were so busy playing soccer.

1870: Communist revolutionary Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) is born in Simbirsk, Russia. To ‘celebrate’ his birth, Communists all over the world simultaneously torched several cell sites.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated to promote environmental protection. Forty years later, the earth is at its worst condition ever, proving that the annual celebration is a failure.

1998: Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Moments later, members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA gathered outside the theme park and demanded the release of all animals.

2000: In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida… totally crushing the boy’s dreams of visiting Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

1970: A beautiful bouncing baby girl named Regina Encarnacion “Chona” Velasquez is born. Sixteen years later, she would use a new name (Regine), and a new nose.

Thanks to Wikipedia and BBC On This Day.

It’s Earth Day today!
To save energy (and resources)…

Sen. Richard Gordon shall try to speak 150 words per minute (less than his “normal” average of 400 wpm).

Sen. Francis Escudero shall use more periods in his speeches, and limit his sentences to an average of 10 words.

Kris Aquino will limit her use of “Noy,” “Baby James,” “Ballsy,” “Pinky,” “Viel,” “mom ko,” and “dad ko” on TV to two times per segment instead of the usual five.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer will limit the news, and column items on Noynoy Aquino and his family to accommodate more Earth Day-related articles.

Tabloids will limit their pages to four. As James Watt lamented in 1982, did you know how many good trees were cut to put out bad newspapers?

And lastly, Sen. Manuel Villar shall limit his political ads to two lies per 30-seconds… an improvement from the usual seven lies per ad.

———————-
“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.”
~Ross Perot

Personal
Thank you Cebu Bloggers Society for appreciating what I do. Credit goes to the readers whose incredible grasp of the daily goings-on in this country makes political humor blogging much easier. Again, daghang salamat!

YEAH, SURE!

AFTER THE DEFECTION of Mandaluyong’s Neptali Gonzales III, and Albay’s Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino has a new endorser: Asia’s Time magazine!

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of the Asian edition of Time magazine. But being on the cover of a widely-read material is not new to Aquino. Since he declared his bid, the Philippine Daily Inquirer has been doing that.

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of Time magazine. Not to be outdone, Manny Villar will soon be on the cover of El Shaddai Weekly.

Noynoy Aquino made it on the cover of Time. Not to be outdone, Joseph Estrada will be on the cover of Pastime.

Mar Roxas’ Statement
Interviewed on radio station dzMM, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he has already reserved the family-owned Araneta Coliseum for Aquino’s oath taking.

In a radio interview, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he’s no longer thinking of the May 10 elections. He’s thinking of Aquino’s first 100 days.

Erap’s Birthday
Former president Joseph Estrada turns 73 years old on Monday, April 19. When Erap’s running mate Jejomar Binay was informed about his birthday, Binay reportedly realized how powerful he has become. You see, Erap was only 49 when Binay first became mayor!

Joseph Estrada turns 73 on Monday, April 19. Despite his age, Erap still feels like 18, and if rumors are true, he is planning to have a cotillion. The deposed president is reportedly excited about the 18 candles, 18 treasures, and 18 wives.

MVP & Plagiarism: A Postscript
Business tycoon Manuel V. Pangilinan has resigned “irrevocably” as chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Ateneo de Manila University. Ateneo will issue an official statement as soon as it has verified that no portion of Pangilinan’s letter of resignation was plagiarized.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Nakakapagod talaga ang kampanya! Pati butas ng aking ilong, lumalaki na yata!”
B: “Wala akong pakialam kung si Mar ang inendorso ni Kabayan. Mas maganda pa rin ako sa kanya!”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman ako napansin ng mga boys, ewan ko na lang!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “’Yun ang sabi ko sa asawa mong si Cynthia kanina. Never dress down for the poor. They won’t respect you for it. They want their First Lady to look like a million dollars.”
B: “Anong nakakatawa? All I am asking is a state funeral for Ferdie sa iyong first 100 days. Otherwise, I’m going to cast my lot with Erap. Do I make myself clear?”
C: “C’mon! You expect me to adopt your pitch about the basura and the dagat and the kalsada? How filthy! You know me. Garbage is neither my cup of coffee nor my bottle of iced tea. I can only campaign on a platform of beauty.”

Iceland’s Volcano
Several thousands of passengers were stranded in Asia as air traffic across Northern Europe was halted following the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano that sent tons of ash and particles into the sky. Authorities couldn’t release a new advisory on air travel yet because they’re still busy learning how to correctly pronounce ‘Eyjafjallajokull.’
—————–
“Arrogance diminishes wisdom.”
~Arabian Proverb

Survey Says
On Albay Governor Joey Salceda’s decision to bolt Lakas:
Kawalan siya sa partido! 25%
Parang wala namang epekto. 44%
Hindi ko siya kilala! 31%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak:
Lakas-Kampi defections: Villaroyo or Gloriaquino?

Who did Hilario Davide really resign for?

STAR(FRUIT) FOR ALL SEASONS

IT’S THE DAY’s BIGGEST NEWS.
Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! Apparently, Salceda got so busy checking out his party mates’ loyalty; he totally forgot to check out his.

Just so you know, Noynoy Aquino and Joey Salceda were classmates at the Ateneo de Manila University from the late ‘70s to the early ‘80s… or as their flirty female classmates would say, “unlucky years.”

Joey Salceda revealed that he and Noynoy Aquino were seatmates in the English class in Ateneo. They were not that close then although one time they plagiarized some compositions together.

According to Albay Governor Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino was his seatmate in the English class in Ateneo some 30 years back. Salceda will never ever forget the young Noynoy… mainly because he was the only one who owned a lighter then.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda who called an emergency caucus of Lakas governors at Discovery Suites in Pasig City last April 6 to conduct a loyalty check on Lakas members has bolted the ruling coalition! It was like Dinky Soliman leading the Arroyo cabinet in singing “If We Hold On (Together),” and then calling for her president’s ouster the succeeding week.

After calling on his party mates to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro, Albay Governor Joey Salceda has bolted the party and announced his support for Noynoy Aquino. Lakas stalwarts were reportedly shocked by Salceda’s announcement because they expected him to support Danton Remoto’s “Ang Ladlad” instead.

Bugtong:
Higit sa isa ang mukha
May payat at may mataba
Berde kung hilaw
kapag hinog ay dilaw.
Ano ito?
Sagot: Balimbing (or Starfruit; Averrhoa carambola)

At ilan sa mga kilalang berde na pilit nahinog nitong mga nakaraang buwan ay ang mga balimbing sa larawan. Nasa inyo na ang pagpapasya kung sila ay inyong pipitasin sa darating na halalan.

Bawat isa sa kanila ay may ibinigay na dahilan kung bakit nila iniwan ang kanilang partido. Natatandaan mo pa ba kung ano ang kanilang “excuse?” Alamin sa pamamagitan ng pagsagot sa pagsusulit na ito.

Panuto: Isilid sa isang hinog na balimbing o ponkan (depende sa partidong nilipatan) ang titik ng tamang sagot. Tandaan: gumamit ng hinog na balimbing o ponkan lamang: bawal ang hilaw at bawal ang manibalang. Narito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka sa napiling sagot:

May sampung minuto ka upang sagutin ang tanong: Bakit nga ba sila lumipat?

1: Dating NEDA Director General Ralph Recto:
A: “Natalo na ‘ko noong 2007, ayokong matalo uli ngayon. Masakit sa bulsa. ‘Di pa nga ako nakakabawi eh!”
B: “I think you have a good team in the LP under the leadership of Senator Noynoy and Senator Mar.”
C: “’Package deal’ kasi. Nang alukin ng Liberal si Vi, siyempre damay na ko. What is marriage for?”
D: “Hindi ko kailangang mag-explain sa ‘yo. Ano ka, si Serge Osmeña? Kung ‘di mo ako kayang tanggapin, umalis ka!”

2: Former Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson:
A: “Si Erap nga na parang kapatid ko na, tinraydor ko pa. Si Gilbert Teodoro pa kaya na ‘di ko man lang nakainuman o nakasama sa casino?”
B: “Kung kanino si Manny Pacquiao, doon ako.”
C: “Mas matagal na kasi sa politics si Villar. Mas marami siyang kilala. ‘Tsaka siya ang gusto ng mga kababayan ko. Sino ba ko para sumalungat sa kanila?”
D: “God knows Hudas not stay!”

3: Mandaluyong City Rep. Neptali Gonzales III
A: “Dating back to the ‘60s, our relationship with the Aquinos and the Roxases is something na hindi ko puwedeng talikuran.”
B: “Ang tagal ng pondo. Nainip na ‘ko.”
C: “Hinintay ko lang ang latest survey at tiniyak kong lamang pa rin si Noynoy para sure.”
D: “Bakit ba kayo nakikialam? Taga-Mandaluyong ba kayo?!?”

4: Albay Governor Joey Salceda
A: “Deep in my heart, hindi ko kayang ikampanya ang isang La Sallista. Bali-baligtarin man ang mundo, kahit ano pang mangyari, halata man o hindi, Atenista pa rin ako.”
B: “Titigan n’yo ang picture sa ‘taas. Kuha ‘yan nang samahan ako ni Gibô sa pagpa-file ng aking certificate of candidacy. Napilitan lang akong mag-smile d’yan!”
C: “I accepted the challenge of my Ateneo classmate Noynoy to become the Bicol regional chairman of the Liberal Party. My task is to make him win in Bicol on May 10.”
D: “Matagal na akong nagtitiis bilang berdeng caterpillar. Panahon na upang iwagayway ang aking mga dilaw na pakpak bilang paru-paro! To paraphrase Ricky Martin, ‘I am a fortunate butterfly!’ Promise!”

5: Quezon City Mayor Feliciano Belmonte
A: “Kung mananatili ako sa Lakas, hindi ako magiging House Speaker. Career move ‘to.”
B: “Enlightened, dependable, trustworthy and morally upright: All of these qualities of Cory, I see in our new champion, Sen. Noynoy Aquino.”
C: “Naunang lumipat ang anak kong si Joy eh. Tatay lang ako. Kung saan siya masaya, suportahan ko siya.”
D: “Noynoy and I have a lot of things in common. Single ako, single siya. Umuulan ng celebrities sa aking siyudad; bumabaha ng celebrities sa kanyang ad.”

6: Surigao Del Norte Governor Robert Ace Barbers
A: “Wala lang. Trip ko lang.”
B: “Ang Nacionalista kasi ang susunod na pinakamalaking political party after the 2010 elections.”
C: “Pati ba naman taong nananahimik dito sa Surigao, napansin pa ng punyetang Professional Heckler na ‘yan? Baka gusto niyang matulad siya kay Mike Enriquez?!? ”
D: “Puwede bang kantahin ko na lang? 1-2-3! Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap/ Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit!”

7: House Speaker Prospero Nograles
A: “Even as a senior officer of the party, I hardly know what’s happening because they make decisions without the courtesy of even briefing us. I don’t even get any text saying hi or hello from our party standard-bearer.”
B: “Delikado kasi ‘yung mayoral bid ko sa Davao. ‘Yung Duterte Death Squad, este Duterte family, suportado ni Noynoy. Kailangan ko ng mas malakas na backer like Villar.”
C: “Lilinawin ko lang! Hindi totoong iiwan ko ang partido! Hindi totoong ako ay balimbing! At hindi totoong tumakbo ako nang nakahubad sa isang hotel! Damn it! Kailangan ko pa bang ulit-ulitin ‘yan?”
D: “Who says I’m leaving Lakas? Puwede ko namang ikampanya nang palihim si Villar kahit ‘di ako Nacionalista ah. Si Presidente nga kinakaya… ako pa?!”

8: Bukidnon Governor Jose Ma. Zubiri
A: “Nagpasya akong lumipat kay Villar dahil… hindi ko sure kung mag-o-offer si Noynoy.”
B: “Memoryado ng aking mga apo ang “dagat ng basura” ad ni Villar. Mahal ko ang aking mga apo. Mahal nila si Villar. Mahal ko na rin siya.”
C: “I cannot stomach Lakas’ alliance with Kampi.”
D: “Napagkasunduan namin ‘yan ng aking mga anak. Sina Migs, mananatili sa Lakas; ako naman, sa Nacionalista. Mas maraming partido, mas maraming pondo.”

9. Batangas Governor Vilma Santos
A: “Akala n’yo ba walang matibay na dahilan ang aking paglipat? Akala n’yo lang, wala! Pero meron! Meron!”
B: “Katulad po ng sinabi ni Ralph sa question No. 1 sa taas… masakit matalo. Malaki-laki rin ang nawala sa amin sa kampanya noong 2007. Ayaw na naming maulit ‘yon.”
C: “I think Noynoy can give us that inspiration because of the inspiration instilled to us by his parents.”
D: “Bakit ako lumipat sa Liberal Party? Hmmm, alam n’yo po, matagal kong pinag-isipan ‘yang desisyon na ‘yan. I prayed hard for guidance. Hindi po madali sa akin ang iwan ang Lakas. Pero isa lang po ang tinitiyak ko sa aking mga kababayan sa Batangas: matagal kong pinag-isipan ang desisyon kong ito and I really prayed hard for guidance. Dahil sa totoo lang, hindi po madaling iwan ang Lakas. Thank you!”
—————————-
“Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living.”
~Josiah Royce

Survey Says
Ayon sa ABS-CBN: “Mula sa Nacionalista Party ang pekeng ‘psychiatric report’ ni Noynoy.” Ang sagot ng Nacionalista Party: “Sino sa amin? ‘Di totoo ‘yan!”
Ang tanong: dapat bang ibunyag ng ABS-CBN ang source nila sa NP?
Ang resulta ng survey:
DAPAT LANG! 70%
HINDI NA KAILANGAN! 25%
HINDI KO ALAM ANG ISYU. 4%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Trivia:The 1955 Academy Award-winning film Oklahoma! was shot entirely in Arizona because producers believed that Arizona looked more like Oklahoma than Oklahoma did!

Sa nangyayaring exodus ng Lakas members sa Liberal Party at Nacionalista Party, hindi na ako magtataka kung ang LP at NP ay mas mag-asal-Lakas kaysa sa orihinal na Lakas pagkatapos ng eleksyon. Good luck sa ating lahat!

GIMME A BREAK!

The Professional Heckler is taking a three-day break. Hopefully when he returns, he’ll have answers to these questions:
1: Who wrote the controversial graduation speech of PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan?
2: What the hell were they thinking?
3: Is Kris Aquino still mad at ABS-CBN News for repeatedly showing Baby James’ “Villar!” video?
4. If she still is, so?

While waiting for my new post, you may revisit some of my favorite articles. ‘Wag ka nang magreklamo. Wala ka rin namang choice. Ha-ha-ha! Just RIGHT CLICK the link to open the post in a new window.

TYPHOONS. Mar Roxas was still LP’s bet then. Because of this post, ANC’s Strictly Politics started featuring this blog.

THE EX-FUTURE FIRST LADY. The Top 10 Messages Left on Korina Sanchez’ Answering Machine after Mar Roxas withdrew his presidential bid. The article was copied, pasted, re-posted and forwarded. I even received one from an employee of the Asian Development Bank. I wonder if it reached the email of Mrs. Mar Roxas.

WANTED: RUNNINGMATE. Nacionalista Party launches its search for Manny Villar’s VP candidate.

STICKERS. Political bumper stickers. A finalist in last year’s Philippine Blog Awards for Best Single Post.

SHE WILL SURVIVE. A parody of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” it talks about GMA’s political survival plan. This post was featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics.

THE NOYNOY SHOW. Studio 23 announces new programming schedule after Noynoy Aquino declares bid for the presidency

SILICONE VALLEY. A post on the controversial breast implant records of GMA that were leaked to the press. Plus the Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts.

FAMOUS EPITAPHS (of local political figures and celebrities)

AYON SA MGA BITUIN. Also featured on ANC’s Strictly Politics, a cousin of mine emailed me a copy of these presidential horoscopes. Hindi niya alam, sa blog ko nagmula.
———–
“Laughter is an instant vacation.”
~Milton Berle

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Breaking News!
The president of Poland, Lech Kaczynski dies in a plane crash. The Polish people express grief; Europeans express shock. Filipinos express envy.

PSYCHIATRIC

The Professional Heckler categorically denies the authenticity of a document alleging that he suffered from mania. The purported psychiatric evaluation form that first surfaced in Friendster was a desperate and despicable attempt of displeased politicians to discredit him. The document is nothing but black propaganda. The priest who purportedly conducted the psychiatric evaluation and the succeeding treatment of exorcism is expected to issue a separate statement.

Depressed?
An alleged ‘psychiatric evaluation form’ of Sen. Benigno Aquino III purportedly conducted by the Ateneo De Manila University’s Department of Psychology in 1996 surfaced on the Internet Thursday. The Ateneo management has categorically denied the document’s authenticity. A thorough investigation revealed it was plagiarized from the psychiatric evaluation report of former US President George W. Bush.

Immediately after the news broke out, Ateneo’s psychology department issued a statement saying, “The document is false; no faculty member or other professional affiliated with the Psychology Department has ever conducted a psychiatric assessment of Senator Benigno Aquino, Jr.” – which was probably true since “Benigno Aquino Jr.” was already in a skeletal state in 1996.

Here’s the screen cap of a portion of that statement:

Error Corrected
Moments after posting the official statement on its website, Ateneo edited the wrong entry and changed “Benigno Aquino Jr.” to “Benigno Aquino III.” The person who drafted the original statement has offered to resign his post for committing the mistake but AdMU president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres said, “Let’s talk first.”

Sen. Noynoy Aquino insisted the information contained in the alleged psychiatric evaluation form were a work of fiction… except for that part that said he consumed two packs of cigarettes each day.

The blogger who first posted the Noynoy Aquino document has deleted his blog (politicalamateur.wordpress.com). A check on his previous posts revealed though that he was a rabid Manny Villar supporter. No wonder, he refuses to come out to answer questions from his critics.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino dismissed the psychiatric evaluation report as fake. But Villar supporters say the copy that reached Noynoy was altered, and that an unedited version is being kept by former press secretary Ignacio Bunye.

Noynoy Aquino supporters refused to believe that he underwent psychiatric evaluation in 1996. They wanted the source of the report to prove that the name “Benigno Simeon” actually appeared on the document. Baka naman daw kasi “Kristine Bernadette” ang nakasulat.

In Other News…
For openly supporting the vice presidential bid of Jejomar Binay, reports say Team Chiz Escudero has been eased out of the Noynoy Aquino campaign by Team Mar Roxas. The bickering officially marks the start of the 2016 presidential derby!

Party-List Polls
According to Pulse Asia’s latest survey, 6 out of 10 Filipinos are unaware of the party-list system. That was really surprising considering that 10 out of 10 Filipinos wanted to become party-list nominees.

Sa iba pang balita…
Korte Suprema, bumigay!
‘Ang Ladlad’ pinayagang tumakbo sa party-list elections

Rejecting two Comelec resolutions that denied accreditation to a group of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders, the Supreme Court ruled that ‘Ang Ladlad’ could participate in the party-list polls. Comelec Second Division Commissioners Elias Yusoph, Nicodemo Ferrer, and Lucenito Tagle declined to comment on the SC ruling but colleagues described the three as “sobrang naimbyerna.”

Venus Fights Back
Maria Venus Raj, the Bb. Pilipinas-Universe winner who was dethroned for submitting birth records with inconsistent entries vowed to fight for her lost crown. Venus is seeking the help of the Supreme Court after getting information that her dethronement was decided by the Comelec’s Second Division.
______________
“All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach.”
~Adolf Hitler

Elsewhere…
Prepare for the polls. Find your precinct here. Thank you Comelec!

Survey Says…
Should the management of AdMU accept the resignation of PLDT Chair Manny Pangilinan?
Dapat lang! 29%
Nahhh. He apologized naman eh. 19%
Wala kaming pakialam! 52%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Enjoy your long weekend! Stay safe.

TWO MEN AND A BABY

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.

Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!’”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

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This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.

Today is April 5th
On this date in…

2348 BC: Noah’s ark nestled on the 17,000-ft high Mount Ararat… prompting Noah’s hysterical relatives to ask: “How in hell do you intend to get us safely out of here?”

1895: Oscar Wilde loses his criminal libel case against the Marquess of Queensberry, who’d accused the writer of homosexual practices. The legal setback did not dampen Wilde’s spirit. That same night, he partied with Tim Yap, Raymond Gutierrez, JM Rodriguez, and others at Encore (formerly Embassy).

1930: Mahatma Ghandi defies British law by making salt in India. Britain declares it a sin.

1947: Gloria Macapagal is born. Just so you know, Baby Gloria was an “overdue” baby having stayed for an extended term inside her mother’s womb.

1964: US General Douglas MacArthur dies at 84. Scared relatives later bared that his last words were “I shall return.”

2006: Katie Couric announces she’s leaving NBC’s “Today” show to become anchor of “The CBS Evening News.” She then revealed that TV5 offered her to co-anchor its primetime newscast with Paolo Bediones. Couric had to decline though saying, “Novaliches is too far for me.”

Thanks to BBC On This Day, Any Day In History, Today in History, and Wikipedia.

Briefly Noted
After scouring the pages of The Philippine Star today, April 5, 2010, I noticed that the paper opted to “kill” the Manny V. Pangilinan plagiarism controversy. What’s the slogan again of The Philippine Star? Is it ‘Truth shall prevail’ or ‘Fear shall prevail?’ Is MVP’s Mediaquest Holdings still in talks to acquire the Belmonte-owned broadsheet?

Pacquiao, Carolla, and Comedy
Some people have been asking me to comment on the anti-Pacquiao rant of American comedian Adam Carolla. But then again, how can I denounce Carolla’s bashing of Manny when fellow Filipinos like Vice Ganda enjoys mocking Pacquiao and his family? Here’s the video.

Survey Says
Reports say Mike Arroyo is supporting Manny Villar. If you were Gilbert Teodoro, how would you react:
Okay lang. Walang problema. 64%
Isa siyang kawalan. Sayang. 23%
Talaga? Hindi yata ako naniniwala. 13%

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SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE

IT’S EASTER SUNDAY! Every Filipino Catholic is in a joyful mood… with the exception perhaps of PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan!

It spread like wildfire on the Internet. According to reports, sections of PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s commencement address to the sesquicentennial graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University last March 26 and 27 were copied from speeches of celebrities like media mogul Oprah Winfrey, late-night host Conan O’Brien, ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling and even US President Barack Obama. Members of the graduating class now understand why MVP, towards the latter part of his speech last week thanked AdMU president Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, the Class of 2010, their parents, the Ateneo community, and Google.

Ironically, in his commencement address, Manuel V. Pangilinan or MVP revealed that he cheated in fourth year high school at San Beda College. Well, old habits never die.

Manny Pangilinan admitted that portions of his graduation speech were “borrowed” from speeches of other celebrities. Of course, he would have bought them if they were up for sale.

A section of MVP’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates was copied from the speech of US President Barack Obama. Members of AdMU’s graduating class realized this when Pangilinan announced his plans of withdrawing troops from Iraq.

Reports say a portion of MVP’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates last month was copied from the speech of talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Members of AdMU’s graduating class realized this when Pangilinan started jumping up and down on the stage, shouting: “Each graduate gets a car! Each graduate gets a car!”

A portion of Manny Pangilinan’s commencement address to Ateneo graduates last month was copied from a speech of ‘Harry Potter’ author J.K. Rowling. Members of the graduating class realized this when MVP promised to raise funds for the Ateneo Blue Eagles Quidditch team.

One of the country’s most influential and powerful businessmen, PLDT and Smart Communications Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan has apologized for copying sections of his graduation address from speeches of celebrities. Heaping praises on the businessman’s gesture, fellow Ateneans say it takes a lot of courage for someone like MVP to do such thing. You know, just as tough as what Ricky Martin did last week.

Manny Pangilinan admitted that portions of his graduation address in Ateneo last week were copied from speeches of celebrities. MVP subsequently apologized … as members of the Ateneo Board of Trustees held hands and sang “If We Hold On (Together).”

Immediately after graduation, members of the AdMU Class of 2010 have reportedly found jobs. Meanwhile, MVP’s speechwriter lost his.

Top 5 Messages Left on Manny V. Pangilinan’s Answering Machine

No. 5: “Hello Mr. Pangilinan! We are the La Salle Green Archers! Rektikano, Rektikano, Rektikano! Rah! Wala lang.”

No. 4: “Boss, si ***** ulit ito. Patawarin n’yo na ko ma’am, este sir. Parang awa n’yo na! Pangako, ‘di na ulit ako mangongopya! Sige na sir, please. Give me a second chance!”

No. 3: “Hi MVP, Krissy here. Gosh, that’s so obvious huh! I mean, paano nakalusot sa ‘yo ‘yun? Oprah, Obama, Conan, JK Rowling? Grabehhh, that was so kakahiya and kakaloka! Kung kami na lang ni Boy ang pinasulat mo, eh ‘di sana may props ka pang torch habang nagi-speech. Mas bongga ‘yun ‘di ba?”

No. 2: “Manny, kumusta! Si Senator Villar ‘to! Nakaranas ka na bang matulog sa maikling bangkô sa palengke o mamatayan ng kapatid dahil wala kang perang pampagamot, wala ka nang magawa? Naranasan ko na lahat ‘yan. Teka lang, sandali… parang mali ang na-dial ko ah. Cynthia, paki-check mo nga kung phone number ni Manny Pacquiao ‘tong tinatawagan ko.”

And the No. 1 message left on Manny V. Pangilinan’s answering machine…

“Hi sir, Danton Remoto here, your fellow proud Atenean. Kahit maraming intriga, ‘wag maimbyerna! Look ka na lang sa sky, and deadma! Chura lang nila! Babushka!”

—————————
“Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.”
~John Milton

Elsewhere…
Here’s the copy of MVP’s speech.

What is plagiarism?

HOLY WEAK, TOO

The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News…
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
——————————
“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

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Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.

LIMITS

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning after another heart-related problem. Since the First Couple rose to power, FG’s heart has always got him into trouble.

Following his heart surgery a few years back, reports say, the First Gentleman’s health has always been questionable. Just like his wife’s election victory.

According to reports, President Arroyo opted to stay in the hospital to keep watch over the First Gentleman. Presidential son Mikey Arroyo opted to stay there too… to watch over the hospital building. No ID, No Entry.

President Arroyo has decided not to campaign in Pampanga to be with her sick husband in the hospital. Nonetheless, the decision to forgo the activity won’t affect her chances of winning in the coming polls since she’s been campaigning in her district for the past three years.

Air Time Limits
The Commission on Elections revealed that Noynoy Aquino has exceeded the allotted time for campaign advertisements in ABS-CBN. He has already consumed 291.5 minutes of broadcast time in the network… and that’s for Kris Aquino’s monologues alone.

Even Manny Villar who has already used 256.5 minutes in ABS-CBN has exceeded his allotted airtime. However, the Nacionalista Party standard bearer is unfazed by his dwindling air time because he’s keen on ‘buying’ the unused spots of Jamby Madrigal and Richard Gordon.

Manny’s Campaign
Manny Pacquiao has kicked off his campaign for a congressional seat in Saranggani province. And his campaign is off to a weird start when he challenged his opponent, businessman Roy Chiongbian to a mandatory urine test a week before the elections.

With Senators Manny Villar and Loren Legarda, Manny Pacquiao, on Friday kicked off his campaign for a Congressional seat in Saranggani province. Villar, Legarda, and the pound-for-pound king were introduced to the crowd by Michael Buffer.

Earth Hour
On Saturday night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 3rd worldwide Earth Hour. More than a thousand cities and municipalities all over the country switched off their lights for one hour… an event described by organizers as “momentous,” and by the people of Mindanao as “corny.”

The 3rd Global Earth Hour was a huge success in the Philippines. Even politicians participated in the event. After switching off the lights in her Ilocos mansion, Imelda Marcos lit the wick attached to the body of her husband Ferdinand.

In Times Street, Noynoy Aquino together with his sister Kris, James Yap, Boy Abunda and their celebrity friends held a torch rally.

All over the world on Saturday, lights were switched off for 60 minutes by Earth Hour participants… except for Noynoy and Villar who exceeded 60 minutes.
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“Your lifestyle – how you live, eat, emote, and think – determines your health. To prevent disease, you may have to change how you live.”
~Brian Carter

Da Who!
When Morocco Algeria, an incumbent local official was informed that her opponent in the coming elections, Bahrain Jamaica was visiting their district, Morocco Algeria hired dozens of impoverished residents to line up in the streets and hold huge placards bearing her (Morocco Algeria) name. “Iparamdam n’yo sa kanya na ako ang iboboto n’yo at hindi siya!” Each “rallyist” was promised 175 pesos for the service. After accomplishing their job, the “rallyists” got the shock of their lowly lives when the staff of Morocco Algeria gave them two pan de sal each, a bottle of mineral water, and P75 only. They’ve been had! Here’s the catch: When the staff of Morocco Algeria returned to retrieve the placards, they yelled: “Hindi puwede! Hindi namin ibabalik ang mga placards na ito hangga’t ‘di n’yo kinukumpleto ang bayad!”

Survey Says
May iboboto ka bang party-list group ngayong May 10 elections?
MERON. 16%
NAG-IISIP PA. 7%
Ginagago tayo ng mga punyetang ‘yan! Marginalized my ass! 77%

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MARGINALIZED

Marginalized?
Have you heard the news? Mikey Arroyo is running for Congress again. He is the first nominee of “Ang Galing Pinoy,” a party-list group that claims to represent security guards! You know what their campaign slogan is? “Para sa national security… No ID, No Entry!”

Energy Sec. Angelo Reyes is also seeking a Congressional seat. Reports say Reyes is a nominee of the party-list group 1-UTAK, a coalition of jeepney drivers and operators. Reyes representing jeepney drivers is not surprising though considering that he has gotten used to accepting jobs he absolutely knows nothing about.

El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is reportedly running for a Congressional seat via the party-list elections. He is a nominee of the pro-life group Buhay. Personally though, I think Velarde would do better as BIR Commissioner. He’s really good at collecting revenues.

Reports say Bro. Mike Velarde decided to be one of Buhay’s nominees because of the government’s distribution of condoms. If that’s his only reason, he should have just sought the chairmanship of the CBCP instead!

Can you believe it? El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is running for Congress too! His supporters believe he’ll make a good “Speaker.”

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Happen if Bro. Mike Velarde Becomes the Next House Speaker

No. 5: The House of Representatives will celebrate its founding anniversary in Luneta.

No. 4: As an icebreaker during marathon sessions, he’ll ask congressmen to stand up and sing “Alive, alive, alive forevermore…”

No. 3: Before and after each session, collection baskets will be passed around.

No. 2: The official House uniform will be “anything checkered.”

And the No.1 thing you wouldn’t want to happen if Mike Velarde becomes House Speaker…

During a vote, he’ll ask his fellow congressmen, “Those who are in favor… say Amen!”

Marginalized, Too?
Dermatologist Manny Calayan is also running for Congress. He is a nominee of the party-list group Alyansa ng Media at Showbiz. Critics believe though that a Calayan victory will further deteriorate the quality of House members. Lalong dadami ang “plastic.”

Backers
Unconfirmed reports say the religious bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo and the Catholic charismatic group El Shaddai Group are supporting the presidential bid of Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar. If it’s any consolation, Noynoy Aquino has the CBCP.

CBCP and a Revolution
Caloocan Bishop Deogracias Iňiguez Jr. was quoted to have said that members of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines would join a revolt in the event of a failure of elections. Skeptics doubt though the ability of bishops to win a revolution since they couldn’t even score a victory against Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral.

Gordon On Video
Presidential bet Richard Gordon who once declared, “I don’t need celebrity endorsers,” has appeared on a music video on YouTube with his celebrity endorsers, Moymoy Palaboy. Gordon even danced on that video. When Manny Villar saw Gordon’s video, he asked him to perform live at a Nacionalista Party rally for a fee.

Have you seen the latest Moymoy Palaboy video featuring presidential bet Richard Gordon? They were so lovably cute I thought I was watching the Oompa-Loompas.

Photo of the Weak:
Ganito Kami sa Makati
Outgoing Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin will be succeeded by his wife Louie, if she’d be lucky in the coming elections.

Ano ang akmang deskripsyon, caption, o pamagat sa larawan?
A: Ang noo’y mahigpit na kalaban ng tambalang Sharon at Gabby: ang kilig na loveteam nina Teddyboy at Louie.
B: Gamit na gamit na naman ang mga graduates
C: Kung tapos na ang termino ni lalaki, patakbuhin si babae
D: Parang mag-ina lang.
——-
“I’ve had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I accidentally spent some of my own money.”
~Joseph P. Kennedy

Survey Says
Batay sa resulta ng recent senatorial surveys, ano kaya ang nangungunang batayan ng pagpili ng mga botante?
KASIKATAN. Kilalang mga pangalan. 62%
KAHUSAYAN. Track record. 16%
PAREHO LANG. 22%

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March 20th
On this date in…

1784: Governor Jose Basco issues a decree that prohibits the seizure of farmers’ lands, carabaos, and farm implements by creditors while planting or harvesting their crops. Basco also reveals plans to distribute parcels of lands to more farmers in five years. However, one of Basco’s cousins categorically denies that such plan exists in a New York Times interview.

1942: General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech regarding the fall of the Philippines, in which he says: “I shall return.” Three years later, he fulfilled his promise… to the delight of Filipinos except for Jose P. Laurel.

1969: In Gibraltar, John Lennon marries Yoko Ono… officially making her the fifth Beatle.

1977: Parisians elect former Prime Minister Jacques Chirac as 1st mayor in a century. Chirac celebrates victory by detonating a nuclear device at Mururoa Atoll.

1990: Imelda Marcos goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering. Her subsequent acquittal would then “inspire” presidents, vice presidents, senators, congressmen, and other people in government.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Just Some Photos, and Any Day in History.

Have a safe weekend!

LIGHT BITES (2010 EDITION)

A dose of political Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But while he’s doing it, some 100 torch-bearing celebrities will gather around him to sing “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa.”

Q: How many Nacionalistas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But if the light bulb fails, three others will be there to defend him

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. Three to change it and one to emotionally relate the experience on TV

Q: How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll just replace it with a new chandelier.

Q: How many Gilbert Teodoros does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can you find someone else? Anybody but him.

Q: How many administration candidates for president does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One is real; the other, “secret”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One… but she’ll ask for more time (an extension) so she could screw it in well

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least four. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Joseph Estradas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No way! Not again.

Q: How many Nicanor Perlases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb, and another to recycle the old one

Q: How many Eddie Villanuevas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll just say, “Let there be light!”

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Vetelanno Acostas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. He’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Loren Legardas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Which bulb? In whose room?

Q: How many Mar Roxases does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Screwing it in easily tires him.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it’s gonna take him 24 years (or more)

Q: How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She thinks there are three but as far as we can see, it’s only her.

Q: How many Ampatuans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shoot the old bulb and bury it

Q: How many governors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But before he could finish, the Comelec Second Division assigns someone else to do the job

Q: How many members of the Supreme Court does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them… unless there’s a dissenting opinion

Q: How many CBCP members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They find the act immoral.

Q: How many SWS or Pulse Asia researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, plus or minus two

Q: How many Bayan Muna members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to shout, “Mabuhay si Ka Satur!”

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Bakit dung? May TF ba ‘yan dung?”

And finally…
Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and another to tell the whole world about it.

——————–
“The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.”
~George Orwell

Survey Says
Aling kumbinasyon ang mas click sa kampanya?
NOYNOY at KRIS 40%
VILLAR at PACQUIAO 13%
Ma at Pa! 46%

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DRAMA QUEEN!

Kris Aquino, Again
Did you catch the episode of “The Buzz” last Sunday? Kris Aquino cried buckets of tears while complaining against some people who were allegedly using her to attack presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino. Viewers agreed it was Aquino’s strongest performance yet as an actress.

Are you familiar with ABS-CBN’s Sunday program called “The Buzz?” The top-rating program began reformatting last Sunday: from a showbiz-oriented tak show to a “campaign paraphernalia.”

Live on nationwide TV, a tearful Kris Aquino lamented, “Ginagamit ako para sirain ang pamilya ko,” which was really ironic since it was actually her who began the ‘destruction.’

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was in tears as she talked about her brother Noynoy, her parents, her sisters, her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign, her life, and her country. After that interview, the Commission on Elections informed Noynoy Aquino that he has just consumed the allotted TV airtime for his political ads.

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was inconsolable as she talked about the candidacy of her brother Noynoy, the heroism of her parents, the generosity of her sisters, and her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign. After reviewing the episode, the Comelec considers allowing other presidential candidates’ sister, wife, brother, daughter, son or cousin to have their own “Moment Ko Rin ‘To” segment on a TV show to level the playing field.

After that emotional moment on “The Buzz,” Kris Aquino is the talk-of-the-town again. She is so popular these days, even Mar Roxas now considers withdrawing from the race and giving way to Kris.

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Hoy Kris! Ayusin mo nga ‘yang mga daliri mo at baka isipin nilang ikinakampanya mo si Villar!”
B: “Gosh, ang hirap ngumitee under the sun huh. Naku Noy, mas keri ko talagang mag-cry na lang sa studio. Promise!”
C: “Okay ‘tong 3-D shades ni Joshua ah. Ang linaw! Kitang-kita ‘yong mga chicks sa kalsada!”
D: “Aminin mo na Kris, iba ang level ng saya rito!”

Postscript: As I have posted on my Twitter and Facebook accounts, I refused to believe rumors that NINOY and CORY were cousins. Gano’n lang talaga si Kris.

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Galunggong ba ‘tong mga ‘to! Sa’n dito ang presyo?”
B: “Hoy Villar! Harapin mo ako! Huwag kang magtago sa likod ng mga kahon, duwag!”
C: [Guy in grey] “Guard, guard! Bakit nakapasok dito si Andal Ampatuan Jr.? Palabasin ‘to!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng bata sa larawan:
A: “Sorry po Senator! Nahihirapan po akong gawin ang V sign sa mga daliri ko kaya ito na lang: C sign for C-5! Joke! Joke! Joke!”
B: “Senator Villar, ako po ‘yung anak ng babaeng nakasama n’yo minsang maligo daw kayo sa dagat ng basura. Sabi po ng nanay ko, ganito lang daw po kalaki ang kuwan n’yo… ahihihi!”

Black Out in Mindanao
Reports say power outages in Mindanao have adversely affected the region’s tourism industry. The situation was so bad, even the Abu Sayyaf Group has not abducted a single tourist in months.

Arnel Pineda Apologizes
Journey frontman Arnel Pineda has apologized to the National Historical Institute for his “incorrect” rendition of the Philippine National Anthem before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. According to Pineda, changing the tempo of the national anthem was a “lapse in judgment.”

Arnel Pineda has apologized for the “incorrect” rendition of the “Lupang Hinirang” before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. Despite the apology though, members of the Hyatt 10 still demanded the resignation of Pineda from the rock group Journey.
—————————-
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
~Kimberly Johnson

March 16th
On this date in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines. He tries to befriend everyone by adding them on his Facebook account. Lapu-lapu rejects the explorer’s ‘Add Request’ and you know what happened next.

1919: A wireless telephone is invented enabling air pilots to talk in flight, and helping a Philippine presidential candidate to win an election 85 years later.

1934: The US Congress approves the Migratory Bird Conservation Act… otherwise known as “The Loren Legarda Law.”
————-
Survey Says…
After demolishing Joshua Clottey, what SHOULD be next for Pacquiao:
Beat Mayweather and more fights to come! 12%
Retire! You don’t need to fight anymore! 21%
Fight Mayweather! Then, win or loss, retire! 67%

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Re-read It!
Apparently, some people didn’t get the “Pia-Rissa Hontiveros” joke in the previous article titled, “Ayon sa mga Bituin III.” Please re-read the post in full. Magi-gets n’yo rin.

Elsewhere
Is there truth to this rumor?