OF YAO MING, BINAY AND SEX APPEAL

8 05 2013

FORMER NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

2
Vice President Binay told Yao Ming, “Politics is also a popular sport here in the Philippines.” In fact, if politics were basketball, the Binay family could form a team.

Yao Ming presented Vice President Binay with a Sharks jersey and an autographed basketball. The jersey was a bit wrinkled so he asked Nancy to have it ironed.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Kris vs. Priest
According to Father Melvin Castro of the CBCP, for the sake of delicadeza, Kris Aquino should stay away from politics. The TV host replied, “You first.”

Crack
Despite the reported infighting in the administration coalition, deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte insists there’s no rift in Team PNoy. In other news, there’s no traffic on Edsa.

1ANGSex Appeal
Aside from the fact that Sonny Angara is “young and idealistic,” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she’s voting for the Team PNoy candidate because he’s “full of sex appeal.” Related fact: Senator Santiago didn’t vote for President Aquino in 2010.

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is voting for a candidate with these qualities: young, idealistic, full of sex appeal. Manong Ernie Maceda was like, “Tse!”

The Fugitive
He’s all over the news granting interviews to major networks. Do you know where Cezar Mancao is right now? The NBI neither.

The National Bureau of Investigation admits it is having a hard time tracking down fugitive ex-police officer Cezar Mancao. Ping Lacson taught him well.

1ANGPhreatic Explosion
On Tuesday, Mayon Volcano spewed rocks, smoke, and ashes killing at least five mountain climbers. President Aquino advised residents and tourists to stay away from the restive mountain. He also advised Albay Governor Joey Salceda to stay away from UNA candidates.

At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Rated XPG
A day after issuing a denial, former Caloocan City councilor Marjorie Barretto admitted that she was the nude woman in scandalous photos that came out in tabloids and the Internet. There were four pics. One word: embarrassing.
——————————————-
“In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“Hoy sobra ka naman! Blacker, blacker. At this point, hindi na brown eh. Black na, kaya blacker.”
~Nancy Binay’s reply when the press jokingly told her she’s the brown version of TV host Kris Aquino

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos:PEP/PDI/Interaksyon/AP]





INFLUENTIAL

20 04 2013

11
PRESIDENT AQUINO was named one of TIME magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world. In other news, his PR team has been named one of the world’s most convincing.

Congratulations to President Aquino for being named one of the most influential people in the world. On May 13, we’ll know if he’s also one of the most influential people in the Philippines.

President Aquino was named one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine. Not to be outdone, Nancy Binay was named one of the most influential people in the world by Good Housekeeping.

Erap’s Birthday
Former President Joseph Estrada celebrated his 76th birthday Friday, April 19. Erap’s birthday wish? Peace, love and harmony. Or as JV and Jinggoy would say, “Unrealistic, impossible, No way!”

Joseph Estrada hosted a party on his 76 birthday. A magician was invited to provide entertainment. Erap had so much fun. He asked the magician to make Alfredo Lim disappear.

Sizzling Summer
On Friday, April 19, PAGASA recorded the year’s hottest day yet in Metro Manila. It was so hot yesterday people stood next to Customs personnel just to be near something shady.

Catholic Vote
Anti-RH Law senatorial candidate Mitos Magsaysay said, “If I win, that proves that there is a Catholic vote.” I can’t wait to disprove that.
11Boston Bombing Suspects
On Friday night (Manila time), 26-year-old Tamerlan Tsarnaev, one of the suspects in the Boston marathon bombings, was killed by authorities. The second suspect, Tamerlan’s 19-year-old brother Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was nabbed after almost 24 hours of manhunt. The FBI wanted Dzhokhar alive so they could him ask how to correctly pronounce his name.

11
Boston bombing suspect No. 2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was caught alive by authorities. Sought for comment, Tsarnaev said, “I am just relieved this didn’t happen in Manila.”

New Planets
NASA astronomers have announced the discovery of three new planets considered to be “the most Earth-like.” To which, Imee Marcos asked, “Do they have banks out there?”

Reports say astronomers have discovered three Earth-like worlds. That’s great news for single people. Your odds of finding a partner just shot up.

Penis Size
According to an online report titled, “Average Penis Size by Country,” the average size of manhood in the Philippines is 4.2 inches. Even Filipino women were like, “Come on! That’s too big!”
—————————————————-
“Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.”
~Albert Schweitzer

Sound Bites
“I am now convinced that my stem cell therapy is effective. I feel 20 years younger.”
~Ernesto Maceda, former Senate President

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: Reuters/AP unless specified)





EXCLUSIVE: NANCY AND VICE

16 04 2013

VICE PRESIDENT Binay likened his daughter and senatorial candidate Nancy Binay to the late former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady and the Flat Iron Lady.

Don’t get me wrong. The previous punchline may have sounded condescending but it was not my intention to be mean or biased. So let me categorically state that I have nothing, absolute nothing personal against… flat irons.

1nv
IN THE INTEREST of fairness, we invited Nancy Binay to answer some of the questions sent by the readers. But since she’s very busy, she agreed to answer only 3 questions. For this short interview, we’ll have Vice Ganda as host.

Magandang hapon po Madam Nancy.

Alam mo favorite kita.

Unang buka pa lang ng bibig, nambobola na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-greet muna?

Totoo ‘yon! Favorite talaga kita. You remind me of my dad.

Ohhhh my gaaad. Gano’n ba ako kaitim?

Hindiiii! Kasi… pareho kayong Vice.

In fairness, puma-punchline. Diretso na nga tayo sa mga isyu. Sabi ng dad mo the other day, you remind him daw of Margaret Thatcher. Bakit? Wala bang track record si Thatcher nang maging Prime Minister ng Britain?

Grabe ka naman Vice kung makapanlait.

OA ka huh! Nagtanong lang, laitero na? ‘Di ba pwedeng inquisitive lang muna?

Dapat kasi binasa n’yo nang buo ang news item bago kayo nanghusga.

Ah ganun? Hindi lang binasa nang buo ang balita, judgmental na? ‘Di ba pwedeng busy lang talaga?

Sabi kasi ng dad ko, may anak daw na kambal si Thatcher. Eh ako kasi Vice, meron ding kambal. So ‘yon ang konteksto ng statement niya. Huwag sanang bigyan ng malisya.

Ang layo naman ng narating mo ‘teh. May mention ka na agad ng malisya?! Ano ka sex symbol?

Patawa ka talaga Vice.

Hindi! Paiyak ako. Comedy show nga ito eh so paiyak ako. Heto ang next question: bakit raw umiiwas ka sa mga televised debates. Takot ka raw ba?

Alam mo Vice…

Oo! Alam ko na. Kaya nga ako nagtatanong ‘di ba? Kasi alam ko na ang sasabihin mo. Huwag mo na lang kayang sagutin.

Ikaw kasi! Pinutol mo agad ako. Ito na nga! Hihihi Alam mo Vice…

Paulit-ulit? Walang ibang transitional devices?

Hindi naman sa umiiwas ako sa debate. Kaya lang, busy ako sa kampanya eh. Priority ko ang taumbayan…

So ‘yong ibang candidates na uma-attend sa debate, hindi nila priority ang taumbayan?

Hindi naman sa gano’n.

Kasasabi mo lang eh. So ako na naman ang mali?!? Bingi ako? Gano’n?

Ang sabi ko Vice, priority ko ang taumbayan. PERO NEVER KONG SINABING HINDI SILA PRIORITY NG IBANG MGA KANDIDATO!!!

So galit ka? Kailangang all caps talaga? At may tatlong exclamation points pa?!? Pwes, MAGSIGAWAN NA LANG TAYO! HETO ANG SUSUNOD NA TANONG KO. MAKINIG KA MARGARET THATCHER!

Vice naman. ‘Wag ka namang magalit. Pumayag na nga akong mag-guest dito para magpaliwanag eh. ‘Tsaka exclusive mo ‘to. Konting kalma.

Ayoko ng konti. Gusto ko maraming kalma. Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Kalma! Heto pa ang isang kalma! At ito naman ang next question ko. Sabi sa ‘yong patalastas, gusto mong maging Nanay De Pamilya sa Senado. Ang tanong ng isang reader natin: ano raw ang gagawin mo sa plenary, magpapa-dede?

Alam mo Vice… kung hindi ikaw ang nagtanong n’yan ma-o-offend ako.

Sige… gusto kong ma-offend ka! Imaginin mo na lang na ako si Korina Sanchez. Tingnan ko lang kung ‘di ka ma-offend! Handa ka na ba? Uulitin ko: “Bilang Nanay De Pamilya sa Senado, anong gagawin mo sa plenary: magpapa-dede?”

Oo! ‘Yun ang gagawin ko! Bakit? Inggit ka? Palibhasa, wala kang…

Ano?!? Wala akong ano?! Wala akong anak?!? Sumagot ka!

Vice naman. Ayokong mapaaway.

Hindi ako si Vice. Ako si Korina! Akala mo uurungan kita? Hindi ako natatakot kahit maligno ang tatay mo! Sumagot ka!

Vice… ayoko na talaga. Magwa-walk out na ako. Bye!

Teka lang! Ito naman! Ini-internalize ko pa ang pagiging Ate Koring ko… bigla naman akong nilayasan. Sige na nga, last question: Bakit dapat naming iboto ang isang Nancy Binay ngayong eleksyon?

Alam mo Vice…

Very good! Very nice answer! Thank you very much. Good night!

Wait, hindi pa ako sumasagot! Ang daya naman. Biased ka!

Hindi lang pinatapos biased agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng OT lang talaga?

Bahala ka. Salamat na rin sa time. Goodbye… Korina!

Hooooy! Anong Korina? Ewan ko sa ‘yo… Margaret Thatcher ka!

-End of Interview-

Tax Day
April 15 is that day of the year when everyone hopes to beat the deadline – while Kim Henares prays to beat the target.

I passed by the Batasang Pambansang Complex yesterday and noticed a huge sign that read, “This is where your taxes go.”

For many taxpayers, filling out BIR forms has always been a challenge. You know, fiction writing is not that easy.

Multimedia personality Kris Aquino is the country’s top individual taxpayer. In 2011, she paid the government an income tax of almost 50 million pesos. That huge amount is equivalent to one ex-husband.

“How do I tax thee? Let me count the ways.” – Bureau of Internal Revenue

1vwWhite Vote Movement
Apparently, El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde and his ‘White Vote Movement’ have endorsed senatorial candidates for the coming elections. And even God was like, “O, wala akong kinalaman d’yan huh!”

Some people believe in the so-called ‘Catholic vote.’ I don’t. But I think there exists an ‘utu-uto’ vote.

It’s already 2013. I’m appalled that millions still believe Mike Velarde.

Bro. Mike Velarde’s taste in suits is reason enough for me not to be influenced by his political endorsements.

1arBb. Pilipinas 2013
A University of the Philippines-Los Baños graduate won the Miss Universe-Philippines crown in the recently concluded Bb. Pilipinas pageant. The results stunned Ariella Arida, a chemistry major. You should have seen her reaction!
————————————————–
“No man undertakes a trade he has not learned, even the meanest; yet every one thinks himself sufficiently qualified for the hardest of all trades- that of government.”
~Socrates

Sound Bites
“Hindi mo pwedeng paghiwalayin ang simbahan at ang pamahalaan sapagkat ako po ay ipinanganak na Katoliko.”
~Mitos Magsaysay on being endorsed by Mike Velarde

Be vigilant. Be safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





MINUTES TO WIN IT

3 04 2013

CITING “credible sources within the administration,” Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. If that happens, isang iyak n’ya lang, sira ang kalaban.

I don’t know which was more shocking: Kris Aquino running for vice president or Archbishop Cruz cozying up with administration people.

1krisarch
Citing “sources within the administration,” Archbishop Oscar Cruz, controversial TV host Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. Pilipinas Got Problem.

But the outspoken Archbishop sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

Last Tuesday, April 2, Archbishop Oscar Cruz reported hearing rumors that Kris Aquino’s running for vice president in 2016. If that’s an April Fools’ Day joke Archbishop, you’re a day late.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says he’s heard rumors that Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. And in case you haven’t heard, Archbishop Cruz is the newest member of “The Buzz.”

jvjingg
JV vs. Jinggoy, Again
JV Ejercito declined Jinggoy Estrada’s offer to produce a TV advertisement endorsing his senatorial bid. Hurt by the rejection, Jinggoy declared that he’s entering a “state of war” with JV.

Political Ads
The Commmission on Elections revealed that from February 12 to March 22, UNA’s JV Ejercito was the top TV advertiser among senatorial candidates. Ejercito has consumed 26 minutes of airtime and 70 percent of Jinggoy’s patience.

Since the campaign period started, 17 senatorial aspirants with UNA’s JV Ejercito on top have consumed at least a minute of TV airtime. Surprisingly, Cynthia Villar was nowhere on the list. She has consumed all of 2012.

In local politics, Alfredo Lim and Joseph Estrada have both consumed 20 hours of mindless mudslinging.

As of March 22, Team PNoy’s Grace Poe and Alan Peter Cayetano have each consumed 60 minutes of MMK.

GMA Network had a total of 163.5 minutes of campaign ads – but that’s nothing compared to ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ which had more than 10 episodes of political promos.

Pulse Asia
The latest Pulse Asia survey conducted from March 16 to 20 is out! Chiz Escudero has bounced back to No. 2. Sorry Ramon Tulfo! Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Ongpauco!

Pulse Asia conducted its survey at the height of the Heart-Chiz controversy. Pulse Asia to UNA: “Sorry talaga but we tried our best.”

The survey’s biggest loser was JV Ejercito who lost 5.2 percentage points. Jinggoy Estrada’s closest friends chorused: “Pa-burger ka naman! Burger! Burger!”

Satisfied
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 4 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with their life.The survey was conducted in Congress.

In a recent SWS survey, 81 percent of Filipinos said they were satisfied with their life. The rest were honest.

Noynoy Vetoes Bill
President Aquino refused to sign into law a proposed measure that would have allowed short people to join the police force. This is all your fault GMA!

Absenteeism
Some senatorial candidates say a stiff fine must be imposed on lawmakers who are always absent in sessions. And Jules Ledesma was like, “Keri lang!”

KJUOverseas…
North Korea has declared war against South Korea. That’s really bad. The only thing worse is Kim Jong Un’s haircut.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un threatens to “dissolve” the United States. Shouldn’t he dissolve his excess fat first?

Born to a former leader, Kim Jong Un is a spoiled, bratty, attention-seeking person who’s reportedly fond of basketball players. Are we sure he’s not an Aquino?
————————————————————-
“Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.”
~Dick Francis, To the Hilt

1ERQuote of the Weak
“Hindi naman ako ordinaryong governor. Artista rin ako. At ‘di ako basta-bastang artista. Ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!”
~Re-electionist Laguna Governor ER Ejercito (Via TVPatrol/Kampanyaserye)

“Some people, when they grow old, they become elder statesmen. Some people when they grow old, they become rumormongers.”
~Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda on Archbishop Oscar Cruz

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer/MPQ3/Mirror-UK/Yahoo-OMGPH]





COMING VERY SOON

16 03 2013


MARCH 16, 2013. On this day 492 years ago, Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan landed on Homonhon Island (Eastern Samar). He was warmly welcomed by Eastern Samar Rep. Ben Evardone who feted the Portuguese as his new ally. Weeks before Magellan’s arrival, Evardone abandoned his former principal, Rani Gloria Arroyo, wife of Rajah Miguel. And the rest, as they say was history.

Here’s something light for the weekend.

25 Perfect Movie Casting Choices

1: Koko Pimentel and Migz Zubiri: Inagaw Mo Ang Lahat Sa Akin

2: Honest Taxpayers and Congress: Angels and Demons

3: Panfilo Lacson and Miriam Defensor-Santiago: He’s Just Not That Into You

4: Juan Ponce Enrile and Senate bonuses: Bwakaw

5: Alfredo Lim and Joseph Estrada: Grumpy Old Men

6: Cynthia Villar: Caregiver

7: Team PNoy’s 12-0 target: The Impossible


8: UNA’s Toby Tiangco: Fifty Shades of Grey

9: Lito Lapid: Clueless

10: Chiz Escudero: Taken

11: Jamalul Kiram III and his men: A Series of Unfortunate Events

12: Diocese of Bacolod: Loser

13: Juan Ponce Enrile and you-know-who: Relasyon

14: Jamby Madrigal: Jaws

15: Tingting Cojuangco, Ernie Maceda, Jack Enrile: Ina, Kapatid, Anak

16: Tito Sotto: Lost in Translation

17: Lilia Pineda: Kubrador

18: The Abu Sayyaf Group: Beasts of the Southern Wild

19: Bam Aquino: Up


20: Franklin Drilon: 300

21: Aga Muhlach and Annabelle Rama: Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising

22: Sharon Cuneta: Ang Nawawala

23: President Aquino: Conspiracy Theory

24: Jojo Binay, Nancy Binay, Junjun Binay: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

25: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and her administration: The Usual Suspects
—————————
“People who LIKE movies have a favorite. People who LOVE movies couldn’t possibly choose.”
~Nicole Yatsonsky

Sound Bites
“I categorically state that I have never claimed nor complained to Migz Zubiri that I was a battered wife. In the close to twelve years that we lived together, my husband Koko Pimentel has never ever physically hurt me.”
~Koko Pimentel’s ex-wife Jewel Lobaton on Migz Zubiri’s revelation she’s a battered wife

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HALALAN, PERSONALAN

13 03 2013

ELECTION CAMPAIGNS bring out the best and the worst in candidates. They trade barbs, hurl personal insults, and employ black propaganda. You don’t know who or what to believe anymore.

Think you’re updated? Take this quotes quiz.


1: On live TV, sabi ni Erap kay Mayor Lim, “’Yang anak mo involved sa drugs!” Ano ang buwelta ni Dirty Harry?
A: “‘Yang anak mo addict na, bakla pa.”
B: “‘Yang anak mo protektor ng jueteng.”
C: “‘Yang anak mo walang leeg!”
D: [Wala sa choices.]

2: Tanong ng media: “May plano ka bang pakasalan si Heart Evangelista?” Ano ang sagot ni Chiz Escudero?
A: “Kung meron man, dapat ba kayo ang unang makaalam? Siya muna.”
B: “Agad agad? Kaka-annul lang ng kasal ko ah. Saka na ‘yan.”
C: “Kailangang manalo muna. Focus muna tayo sa kampanya.”
D: (Tumanggi siyang sagutin ang tanong).

3: Sa panayam ng Rappler, tinanong si Jamby Madrigal kung ano ang masasabi niya sa tila naging personalang away niya at ng ilang kasama sa Senado noon. She answered in English. In Filipino, ito ang sagot niya:
A: “Problema na nila ‘yon!”
B: “Kung hindi ako lalaban, sasabihin nila, wala akong bayag. Hindi ako gano’n.”
C: “Suntukan na lang!”
D: (She just smiled.)

4: Sabi ni Mitos Magsaysay: “Dapat mamili si PNoy kung ano ba talaga ang priority niya: to run our country or to be the campaign manager of Team PNoy. Which is more important?” Ang sagot ng palasyo:
A: “Sanay na kami sa kanya. Putak nang putak. Hindi naman alam ang sinasabi.”
B: “Kung gusto niyang tumaas sa survey, huwag niyang gamitin ang Pangulo.”
C: “You don’t do that to the President!”
D: [Walang pahayag ang palasyo.]

5: Sa Twitter, isang senatorial candidate ang nag-post, in all caps ng tweet na ito:
“HINDI DAPAT BAKLA ANG PINOY! HANDA TAYO DAPAT SA LABAN.” Sino siya?
A: Hindi ko kilala.
B - is for Bigot.
C: ‘Wag pansinin, sisikat lang ‘sya.
D: Christine Bersola

6: “Don’t hit my father.” Ito ang pakiusap nino?
A: Nancy Binay
B: Princess Jaycel Kiram
C: Jack Enrile
D: JV Ejercito

7: Following the phenomenal rise in recent surveys of political neophyte Bam Aquino, UNA stalwarts said there’s “some unseen hands behind the big gains that benefitted one favored LP candidate.” Ayon sa UNA, “LP” now stands for what?
A: Ligalig Party
B: Lahat Pinipilit
C:Laglagan Party
D: Lapiang Pipitsugin

8: Tanong sa radyo kay Chiz Escudero: “Iboboto mo ba straight ang Team PNoy?” His reply:
A: “Secret!”
B: “Of course! Ngayon pang sinipa na ako ng UNA!?!”
C: “Hindi. Ang iboboto kong straight ay UNA. Kaya nga inalis ako doon ‘di ba kasi ayaw nila sa akin? Wala akong iboboto sa Team PNoy.”
D: “Sagrado po ang ating boto kaya ibalato n’yo na lang sa akin ‘yan.”

9: “Ang masakit… pati hitsura ko tinitira. Bakit? Sinabi ko bang ako’y ubod nang ganda? Hindi naman ah. Minsan talaga mapipikon ka na pero kinakaya ko na lang… para sa bayan, para sa taumbayan, para sa kanilang kinabukasan.” Kaninong linya ito?
A: Tingting Cojuangco
B: Cynthia Villar
C: Nancy Binay
D: None of the above

10: Usapang Sex. “Nakakahiya mang aminin, wala talaga.” Sabi niya:
A: Loren Legarda
B: President Aquino
C: Ernesto Maceda
D: Assunta De Rossi

Bonus Question (From his Facebook Account):
dawho
Sino ang pulitikong ito? Hint: Quoted by Rappler.com, he said, “I picked cigarettes that were thrown by other people and that wasn’t meant to insult. We must lead by example.”
A: Jack Enrile
B: Gringo Honasan
C: Antonio Trillanes
D: None of the above

[Below, you'll find the answers.]
———————————————————————–
“I hate organized religion. I hate that people use it to justify their crappy, bigoted beliefs.”
– Hannah Harrington, (Saving June)

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answers:
1: D. Wala sa choices. What Mayor Lim said was, “’Yung anak ko totoo na naging addict yan eh. ‘Yung anak niya, nambugbog ng babae, naasunto dahil din sa drugs.”

2: A.
3: A: Jamby’s exact words: “It’s their problem, not mine.

4: D. Malacañang did not reply.
5: A B and C. The candidate goes by the name Greco Belgica. Subtract 2 from your total score if you answered Christine Bersola.

6: A. Nancy Binay
7: C. Laglagan Party

8: B.
9: D. Nobody said that. But add 2 pts to your total score if you answered Cynthia Villar, add 1 pt if you answered Tingting Cojuangco. Subtract 2 if you answered Nancy Binay.

10: A. Loren Legarda.
Bonus Question: None of the above. Add 2 pts if you guessed Richard Gordon! That’s him.

What Your Score Means:
12-13 pts: We’re impressed. Updated ka. Ipagpatuloy mo ‘yan!

10-11 pts: Kung ‘di ka pa siguro sumagot ng Cynthia Villar sa Question #9, ‘di ka aabot sa iskor na ‘to. Pero pwede na! Good job.

8-9 pts: Pasang-awa. Proud ka na ng lagay na ‘yan? Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa ‘yo.

6-7 pts: Kasi naman, wala nang inatupag kundi “Please Be Careful With My Heart” at Facebook. Magbasa ka naman o kaya manood ng balita.

5 and below: Where have you been? Busy? Kina-career ang trabaho? May increase sa suweldo? ‘Wag masyadong seryoso. Tandaan ang sabi ng DOH: 35 percent ng Filipino employees, mentally disturbed. Chill.

Thanks for your time!

Photos: Philstar.com and LiberalParty.org





THE CHOICE

11 03 2013

THIS WEEK, the College of Cardinals is expected to vote for a new pope. The election is getting serious. In fact, some of the cardinals have been dancing to Psy’s ‘Gangnam Style’ just to win votes.

1
The rapid rise in popularity of Filipino Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle is phenomenal. He’s reportedly in the Top 12. But expect him to inch much closer to the top 5 when his life story is featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

Some 115 cardinal electors gather in Sistine Chapel to elect a new pope. Reports say the cardinals will be praying and voting four times. Yup, four times. That’s worse than some Filipinos who vote twice during elections.

According to the rules, if a new pope is not elected in two or three days it means the cardinals are probably severely divided – that, or the votes from Lanao and Maguindanao don’t tally with the actual number of voters.

Firefighters have installed the Sistine Chapel chimney that will tell the whole world when a new Pope is elected. A black smoke from the chimney means there’s no winner yet; a white smoke signifies the election of a new pope, and a red smoke means Santa Claus was trapped and got toasted.

1LANTOIn other news…
Controversial former Lanao Del Norte representative Macabangkit Lanto has declined his appointment as Comelec commissioner. BREAKING: Senator Drilon’s heart

President Aquino’s two new picks for Comelec commissioner, Macabangkit Lanto and Ma. Bernadette Sardillo both declined their appointments. The Comelec is in panic mode now since the conclave will start in less than 24 hours.

Macabangkit Lanto and Bernadette Sardillo who both declined their appointments to the Comelec were chosen by President Aquino to replace retired poll officials. The President should replace his search committee first.

Pulse Asia
The latest Pulse Asia survey is out. It’s 8 for Team PNOY, 4 for UNA and 6 for political dynasties.

Now ranked sixth, Team PNOY’s Bam Aquino is the biggest gainer. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 2 lbs.

Giving
According to the World Giving Index, the Philippines is the second “most giving” nation in Southeast Asia and 17th among 160 countries in the world. We are really generous. We give to charity, we give to strangers, and we give up our claim to Sabah.

2Satisfied
Senatorial aspirant Miguel Zubiri of UNA said, “Win or lose, my wife and I are making baby No. 3.” With or without that baby No. 3, we don’t care!

Sought for comment on rumors that he’s gay, Migz Zubiri told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ask my wife. She seems so satisfied.” To which Ogie Diaz said, “My wife too.”

Migz Zubiri’s’ wife Audrey said, “We have two wonderful children. I am very happy with my husband.” And Koko Pimentel was like, “Whatevs!”
———————————————–
“Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sound Bites
“Ako ang pinakamahirap sa mga Madrigal.”
~Jamby Madrigal /via SRO on dzMM

“Actually natatawa nga ako sa sinasabi ni Migz Zubiri, siya ‘yong tumatawag sa pansin ko eh wala na siya sa radar ko.”
~Sen. Koko Pimentel

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Associated Press, Chairman Brillantes]





SORRY, OPTIMISTIC, MENTAL

5 03 2013

SENATORIAL CANDIDATE Cynthia Villar has apologized following her much talked about statement about Filipino nurses on television. To be fair to the former congresswoman, the apology was well-thought-of. It was obvious she’s not under time pressure.

MV
Team PNOY bet Cynthia Villar had said sorry to the nurses and their families. I’ve read her apology, and to be fair to the former lady solon, it was a sincere, heartfelt, and genuine damage control.

Team PNOY spokesperson and Marikina Representative Miro Quimbo said Mrs. Cynthia Villar was “unfairly treated” especially by users of social media… or as Mrs Villar would call them, “Room Netizens.”

Mrs. Cynthia Villar has apologized for her controversial statement during a televised debate. To err is human; to forgive is up to the nurses.

Optimistic
A Social Weather Stations survey showed 37 percent of Filipinos were optimistic that their quality of life would further improve in 2013. They are called politicians.

The latest SWS survey showed 37 percent of Filipinos were positive that their quality of life would improve this year. The rest were realistic.

sabahSabah Standoff
On Monday, President Aquino revealed that the Sabah standoff was a result of a conspiracy. On Tuesday, presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said the government would name the alleged conspirators once they’ve gathered enough evidence against them, or against Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Whichever comes first.

Elections 2013: Ansabe/Hindi Masabi
Ansabe: “Kapag ako ay nahalal sa Senado, gagawa ako ng batas para sa blah blah blah…”
Hindi Masabi: “Ba’t nga ba ‘di ko naisip agad ‘yan? Nine years naman ako sa Kamara ah.”

Ansabe: “Hindi kayo iniwan ng tatay ko, hindi ko rin kayo iiwan!”
Hindi Masabi: “Pero bago mangyari ‘yan… ‘wag n’yo muna akong iwanan. Sa Mayo a-trese. ‘Wag kalimutan.”

Ansabe: “Lalabanan natin ang ipinagbabawal na gamot upang maligtas ang inyong mga anak.”
Hindi Masabi: “’Wag kayong tumulad sa kapatid kong pasaway… addict ang pucha!”

Ansabe: “Ipagpapatayo ko kayo ng farm to market roads.”
Hindi Masabi: “Pwede ring farm to pocket. Mas gusto ko ‘yon.”

Ansabe: “Maglalaan ako ng budget na pambili ng pesticides, fertilizers, at binhi.”
Hindi Masabi: “Kung nasa Metro Manila kayo, pag-usapan na lang natin kung paano lulusot. Basta, may budget!”

Ansabe: “Lilipulin natin ang mga magnanakaw sa pamahalaan.”
Hindi Masabi: “Jooooke!”

Kuratong Baleleng
The Supreme Court ruled with finality that Panfilo Lacson and his men were innocent of summarily executing suspected members of Kuratong Baleleng gang in 1995. Fine, we get it. Those Kuratong guys committed suicide.

rrJust Friends
Former Akbayan representative and Team PNOY senatorial candidate Risa Hontiveros has denied rumors she and political adviser Ronald Llamas are an item. She also denied that they are going out – which was believable since Ronald Llamas prefers watching DVDs at home.

Mental
The Department of Health reported that 35 percent of Filipino workers (both in government and private sectors) are suffering from mental disturbance. The rest were in denial.

According to the Department of Health, 35 percent of Filipino workers (both in government and private sectors) are mentally disturbed. Ulol! Sinungaling! Bobo! Saksakin kita d’yan ng lapis eh.

Chavez, 58
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez is dead. His vice president accuses his enemies of causing his cancer. His other lieutenants are blaming GMA.

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez is dead. Venezuelan election is forthcoming. His successor’s got some big ego to fill.

In the United States…
Scientists say a baby born with HIV that causes AIDS appears to have been cured. The baby was identified as Magic Johnson.

A baby who was born with HIV has been cured. The good news: recent tests reveal there was no HIV in the baby’s blood. The bad news, there were traces of horse meat.
—————————————————————-
That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.
~ Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

Sound Bites
“Mulat tayo na may mga taong nagkutsabahan upang humantong tayo sa sitwasyong ito, isang sitwasyon na walang agarang solusyon. Sa mga taong nasa likod nito, ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko sa inyo, hindi kayo magtatagumpay. Pananagutin natin ang nagkasala sa bansa.”
~President Aquino on the Sabah standoff

Peace!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





JACK, JLO, ALFIE ANIDO, ATBP. KWENTO

5 02 2013

jackanido
ON ANC, senatorial candidate Jack Enrile told his own version of what happened the night of the alleged suicide of young actor Alfie Anido in 1981. Jack said he went to the Anido residence and found him dead. He was there. Interestingly, in Senate President Enrile’s memoirs, he stated that his son did NOT go there. As the adage goes, “you cannot change the past.” Unless of course you’re Juan Ponce Enrile.

Cong. Jack Enrile admitted he had heard rumors about his father’s alleged affair with his chief of staff, Gigi Reyes. But when he asked his father, the older Enrile “just kept mum.” Hashtag AlamNa.

Top 5 Juan Ponce Enrile Headlines From the Future (2048)

No. 5:
For real?
Super senior statesman reveals voting for the acquittal
of ex-SC Chief Renato Corona 36 years ago

No. 4:
JPE changes 1972 ambush story for the sixth time;
insists it was staged

No. 3:
Former senator Enrile claims actor Alfie Anido did not commit suicide;
calls on son to surrender to authorities

No. 2:
Very ill Enrile comes clean:
“I was not physically present on Edsa in 1986
It was my body double who was there!”

And the No. 1 JPE headline from the future (2048)

Birthday bombshell
Enrile now 124 finally admits five-decade romance with Gigi, 89

poeMMK Poe
Award-winning and high-rating drama anthology ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya’ featured the life story of senatorial candidate Mary Grace Poe last Saturday… totally confusing loyal ABS-CBN viewers who thought that ‘KampanyaSerye’ was exclusive to News and Current Affairs programs.

Last Saturday, the life story of senatorial candidate Mary Grace Poe was featured on MMK. I don’t know how the show fared on Kantar-TNS but Poe is reportedly doing well on SWS.

Mock Polls
The Commission on Elections held mock polls over the weekend… while senatorial candidates continue to mock the polls via hourly political ads.


In the mock polls held Saturday, the Commission on Elections used the names of Hollywood celebrities instead of actual candidates. Jennifer Lopez was the top choice for senator. Sought for comment, JLo said she couldn’t wait to receive her cash gift from Enrile.

Neil Armstrong finished in fourth place. Even in mock elections, the dead gets to participate. Very Filipino.

David Pomeranz was in 12th and last place… although he would have probably ranked higher if his life story was featured on ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya.’

Overseas…
In UK, fast food giant Burger King admitted that its hamburgers contained horse meat. Burger King blamed Silvercrest, its Irish-based processing plant. Silvercrest blamed its Polish-based supplier. President Aquino blamed GMA.

A DNA test showed Burger King’s hamburgers contained horse meat. No wonder, White Castle Whiskey has stopped making those commercials.

Richard III
After a DNA test, UK scientists confirmed that the remains found under a car park were that of England’s 15th Century king, Richard III. BREAKING: Burger King denies that its hamburgers were found to have traces of Richard III’s DNA

American Football
Did you watch or monitor Monday’s Superbowl XLVII? Great! Neither did I.
————————————-
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Sound Bites
“My account is actual. I was actually there.”
~Cagayan Rep. Jack Enrile recalling the Alfie Anido alleged suicide case (via ANC)

“We don’t have a choice, it’s already up to the Court. I feel bad because Luisita was very beautiful when I first met Peping in 1962.”
~Former Tarlac Governor Tingting Cojuangco on Hacienda Luisita (Via GMA News)

Personal
To everyone at the Provincial Government of Sarangani, maayong adlaw diha! Pasaylu-i ako. Wala ko kasabot. Happy birthday (Feb. 8) to Ariel Julien T. Decena, the IT and Communications Consultant at the Capitol. Malipayong adlaw nga natawhan! Mabuhi!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Alfie Anido's photo courtesy of Pelikula Atbp.]





FENG SHUI

2 01 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! 2012 is over. It’s the first week of 2013. Time to ask yourselves, “What happened to my bonus (and cash gift)? Where did it go?”

But here’s a piece of good news! This year, there’s no scheduled Apocalypse.

Water Snake
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the vice president is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.

Experts say 2013 is not a good year for Vice President Binay. Apparently, the Water Snake is not compatible with the dark Horse.

The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.

This year, Pig people like Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will have the lowest energy – while Dr. Eric Tayag will have the highest energy.

Yet another expert says President Aquino should look for a Monkey, a Dragon or an Ox to be romantically happy this year. Surprisingly, the expert didn’t mention humans.

The feng shui expert adds Ox people like former president Joseph Estrada will be lucky in politics this year. Sought for comment, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim said he’s not into feng shui.

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is a Snake. And Joseph Estrada was like, “I know.”

JUST IN: Suspended Cebu Governor Gwendolyn Garcia belies reports she was born in the year of the Gecko.

Firecrackers
According to Health Secretary Enrique Ona, the number of firecracker injuries dropped this year. Of the total number of victims, 219 or 54 percent used illegal firecrackers. They are called idiots.

In Manila, a man is facing frustrated murder charges for throwing a lit firecracker at his mother-in-law. The suspect explained he was just trying to fight fire with fire.

In Hollywood…
Kim Kardashian is pregnant. At least, we know the baby’s going to have Kardashian blood. Take that Khloe!

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby! Kris Jenner couldn’t wait to sell the video of the birth.

Kanye and Kim are going to be first time parents soon. Kanye wants to name their baby, ‘Wild Wild.’

MADAM KALACHUCHI returns with more predictions for the year:

Magiging mailap pa rin kay Pangulong Aquino ang romansa. If it’s any consolation, napaghandaan niya.

Muling gaganda ang imahe ni Tito Sotto. Sa susunod na lifetime.

Hindi matutuloy ang Pacquiao-Marquez 5. Mas posible pang matuloy ang Tulfo-Barretto 2.

Kung hindi mag-iingat, dadapuan ng sakit si Secretary Mar Roxas. Sasabihin ng doktor, “Na-stress.” Sasabihin ni Korina, “Namaligno.”

Matatalo sa pagka-kongresista ng Cebu si Annabelle Rama. Walang magugulat.

In Showbiz…
Patuloy ang pagdami ng ‘affair’ movies. Maiinspire ang mga Pinoy. Dadami ang kabit.

May nagbabantang tumalo sa kasikatan ni Charice. Ang kanyang buhok.

Hindi iiwan ni Sharon Cuneta ang Twitter. Siya ang iiwan nito.
———————————————-
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
~Carl Jung

Elsewhere
Proclamation No. 459: Declaring the Regular Holidays, Special (Non-Working) Days, And Special Holiday (For All Schools) For the Year 2013

HAVE A GREAT YEAR!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.








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