JUST ASKING

I THOUGHT I’VE SEEN the last of those letters. I was wrong! Inquiries from both famous and anonymous people just keep coming. Who am I to ignore them? So here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Lagi na lang ako ang mali. Noong time ni Cory, ako. Wala na si Cory, ako pa rin. Ngayong panahon ni Noynoy, ako na naman?!? Pati ba naman sa isyu ng Dragon Boat team, ako ulit?
Nakakasawa na!
Uncle Peping

Dear Uncle Peping,
Anong inirereklamo mo? Eh ikaw naman talaga ‘di ba? Wala ka pa bang planong mag-retire? Sa totoo lang, ang baba na ng tingin ng publiko sa ‘yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
“Philippine Azkals: 0 Gold, 0 trophies, 5 TV commercials, 20% Pinoy
Philippine Dragon Boat Team (2011): 5 Gold, 0 commercials, 90% Pinoy
Sasagwan ka ba sa karangalan o sisipa sa papogian?”
Sincerely,
Anonymous Author

Dear Anonymous Author,
Dapat kang bigyan ng sariling showbiz-oriented na programa. Masyado ka kasing intrigera. Curious lang ako, taga- Face-to-Face ka ba? Bakit pinag-aaway mo ‘yong dalawa? ‘Tsaka FYI, hindi kasalanan ang maging pogi. Huwag na huwag ka lang pupunta sa Sampaloc, Manila. Bakit? Click here.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Did your President just snub me? Sad.
Wondrin’
Paris

Dear Paris,
Don’t be sad. Our President may have ignored you but our future president did not. You know.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Ayokong dumalo sa Senate hearing. May sakit ako sa liver. Baka lumala.
Worried,
Iggy

Dear Iggy,
Bakit? Ano bang gagawin mo sa Senado? Kakain ng street food? Kung wala kang itinatago, walang rason para ‘di ka dumalo! Ang hilig mo kasing magpauto!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I was misquoted! I didn’t say that President GMA was advised to seek medical treatment abroad. Bahagi lang ito ng black propaganda laban sa dating pangulo! Bakit n’yo ba ipinipilit na sinabi ko ‘yon? I did not! And these cabinet men! They keep acting like hungry vultures humiliating their intended prey! How heartless! How despicable! How un-Christian!
Mad,
Mr. Lambino

Dear Mr. Lambino,
Tapos ka na? ‘k.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pisting yawa! Buong angkan na ang nakakulong, nakapambomba pa sa Tacurong! Grabi uy! Ano bang meron sila?
Afraid,
Maguindanao Resident

Dear Maguindanao Resident,
Ganyan talaga kapag powerful. Ang tawag d’yan, “Remote Control.”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sangkot daw po si Mark Lapid sa anomalya ayon kay outgoing Tourism Secretary Bert Lim. Pero bakit hindi po siya sinususpinde o pinapalitan ng palasyo?
Why Kaya?
Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen,
Siyempre naman. Bakit mo naman papalitan ang isang taong napapakinabangan? “Oo! Inaamin ko! Lapid lang kami! Pero maghanap ka ng Mark at Lito sa buong Pilipinas, Lapid lang ang may pisi. Lapid lang ang may pisi!” At mahaba-haba pa ‘yon!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Bakit ang mura ng bilihin sa Puregold na pag-aari ni Mr. Lucio Co? So affordable!
Natutuwa,
Aling Mameng

Dear Aling Mameng,
Sinong smuggler? Naku, Aleng Mameng, masamang magbintang kung walang hawak na ebidensya! Bawiin n’yo ang sinabi n’yo! Bawiin n’yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kung paramihan lang ng presscon ang criteria, panalo ‘yang si De Lima. Pero 14 months na siya sa puwesto, wala pa siyang nagagawa. Kaya puwede ba, pakisabi sa palasyo, gawin na lang siyang spokesperson ng pangulo!
Hindi ako galit,
Oakwood Boy

Dear Oakwood Boy,
Hindi ka pa galit nang lagay na ‘yan? Saan ba nangagagaling ang poot mo? Dahil ba tumanggi noon si Secretary De Lima na bigyan ka ng amnesty? Malaya ka na tsong! Move on. Wait lang, ipu-forward ko sa Malacañang ang iyong suggestion.
Heckler

Dear Malacañang,
Attached is the letter of Oakwood Boy. Baka raw gusto n’yong gawing tagapagsalita ng presidente si Madam Secretary. Bahala na kayo.
Heckler

Dear Oakwood Boy through The Professional Heckler
Masyado na kaming marami. Besides, kung ipapasok namin si Madam, sinong dapat palitan? Si Ricky Carandang? Naku, matutuwa si Conrado De Quiros n’yan. But no! We’re okay. We’re fine. Thanks. Bye.
Sabik na sa lamyerda,
Attorney Lacierda

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hey man! Can you blog about the benefits of smoking? Believe me, there are a lot! And if possible, please devote a paragraph or two on the unlawful arrest of hapless smokers by the MMDA. That agency is trampling on the constitutional rights of ordinary citizens. Btw, where do I send the check?
Smokin’ Hot,
Felipe Morris

Dear Felipe Morris,
Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Just so you know, pinatay ng sigarilyo ang tatay ko! Nagkamali kayo ng sinuhulan! Hayup kayo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino ba talaga ang orihinal na amo ko? Si Archibald Po o si Mike Arroyo?
Nahihilo,
Helicopter

Dear Helicopter,
Paanong ‘di ka mahihilo eh ikot ka nang ikot! Aba, ewan ko! Basta ang alam ko, nagamit ka sa panloloko! Laspag ka na, pero ang mahal-mahal mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Senador pa po ba si Joker Arroyo? Hindi ko siya nararamdaman.
Naghahanap,
Mang Kanor

Dear Mang Kanor,
Opo, senador pa si Senator Joker. Hindi n’yo ba siya nararamdaman? Kami rin.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Last Thursday, we were leading by 16 points with 7:57 left in the game: 51-35. Pero after the final buzzer, 59-53 ang score at tinalo kami ng FEU. Anong nangyari?
Nagtataka,
UP Fighting Maroons

Dear UP Fighting Maroons,
Kaming  loyal fans, sanay na sanay na! Kayo ba naman hindi pa? Naknampoodle talaga! Mga paasa! Hmpf!
Heckler
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“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

IN THE NEWS…
“Sexting” has made it on the 12th edition of the Oxford English Dictionary or OED. Thanks to the efforts of Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner.

Personal
The Professional Heckler a.k.a. Loi Reyes Landicho is one of the finalists in the first ever #TattAwards: WordSlayer category. Online voting is ongoing for all 10 categories. Vote now.

Elsewhere
Sexting, retweet and woot added to the Oxford English Dictionary

Nine Scariest Food Facts

Have a great weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

“TARA NA!”

TOURISM SECRETARY Alberto Lim – earlier rumored to be one of three Cabinet members, who had been giving President Aquino a headache, has resigned. Lim was quick to deny though that he copied or got the idea from Migz Zubiri.

Tourism Secretary Bert Lim has resigned for personal reasons. President Aquino has accepted the resignation also for personal reasons.

Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim has stepped down from his post. Some observers believe Lim made a wise decision. After all, he was just serving at the pressure of the President.

Shortly after Secretary Lim announced his resignation, presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda spoke, “Secretary Lim has been a conscientious and highly dedicated member of the President’s official family. He has put in place enduring policy foundations for tourism’s growth and he has done so with tenacity, integrity and vigor.” Ahh, eulogy.

Secretary Lim admitted that one of the reasons why he quit was that he had gotten tired of traveling. He just had enough of it. In fact, for a moment, he had thought of asking Secretary Leila De Lima to place him on the Immigration watch list.

Just last Thursday, Secretary Bert Lim and the Department of Tourism launched a campaign called “Pilipinas, Tara Na!” The next day, Lim left.

Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Education Secretary Armin Luistro said Cabinet members who attended the August 3 meeting were clueless about Lim’s abrupt resignation. Among other things.

Rumors have been floating that advertising veteran Ramon Jimenez will replace Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim. In fact, Jimenez is reportedly looking forward to taking his oath of office in Mati, Davao Oriental.

In Other News…
An official of the Philippine Olympic Committee says members of the bemedalled Philippine Dragon Boat Federation “should retire.” To which, the public said, “You first.”

President Aquino warmly welcomed the Philippine Dragon Boat Federation in Malacañang Friday. The President told the paddlers, “We will strive to remove politics from sports.” And Peping Cojuangco was like, “Bring it on!”

During their courtesy call, the Dragon Warriors gave President Aquino a signed paddle. The President thanked the paddlers for the gift, which, he said would be useful during cabinet meetings.

ABS-CBN has donated 1 million pesos to the Philippine Dragon Boat Federation. Take that Malacañang!

Largest Human Cross
The University of Sto. Tomas has set the record for the world’s largest human cross. The Guinness World Records announced the good news just days after UST set a national record for the most controversial art exhibit.

Traffic and TV5
A TV5 news crew was reportedly caught violating traffic rules in Pasay City Friday while trailing President Aquino’s convoy. Authorities gave the driver a traffic violation ticket. TV5 says it is now investigating the incident. If found guilty, members of the news crew will be penalized by making them watch reruns of “Babaeng Hampaslupa” 24/7.

Ernie and Bert
Producers of the children’s show Sesame Street has released a statement insisting that Ernie and Bert are just friends and definitely, not gay. They admitted however that Ernie and Bert are fond of Big Bird.
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“Traveling makes a man wiser, but less happy.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Weak
“This is the first time in the history of Philippine politics that an entire family is persecuted.”
~Ang Galing Pinoy Party-List Rep. Mikey Arroyo

Personal
The Tatt Awards voting is still on. Just click this site and vote for your favorites in the 10 categories. The Professional Heckler is a finalist in the WordSlayer category.

Salamat sa mga walang sawang sumusuporta. Ibinigay ko po ang best ko sa project na ito. Pinaghirapan po namin ito. Thank you Mother Lily sa iyong tiwala. Support everyone. Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Wait, mali. Pang-Film Fest pala ‘yong linyang ‘yon. Sorry.

You Have Spoken
Sa kontrobersyal na work of art ni Mideo Cruz, ano ang stand mo:
Offensive. Kabastusan. Pag-abuso sa freedom of expression. 55.67%
Nauunawaan ko ang trabaho ng isang artist. Live and let live. 32.51%
Wala akong pakialam. 11.82%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Good luck to the UP Fighting Maroons! Have a (re)productive weekend! Enjoy!

CLASHES

IN TELEVISION AND RADIO interviews, former Tarlac Rep. Jose ‘Peping’ Cojuangco Jr. insisted, “I never, never campaigned for (my close friend) Jojo Binay. Ako ay Noy-Mar and I supported the tandem of… ” Cojuangco was compelled to cut short his statement when he felt that his chin was starting to grow.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s uncle, Peping Cojuangco denied that he supported the VP bid of Jejomar Binay, and insisted that he campaigned for Mar Roxas. In fact, Roxas won in every area where Peping made a pitch for him… except in the Cojuangco household.

Kris and James Spat
Reports say the most outspoken sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, TV host Kris Aquino, and husband James Yap are having marital problems yet again. The latest quarrel started when Kris and James, well… got married.

Even if he’s president now, Noynoy Aquino vows to give advice to Kris, and brother-in-law, James Yap whose marriage is on the rocks again. If he’s too busy with the affairs of the state, Noynoy will just let Kris and James seek advice… from his alter ego, Mar Roxas.

To spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit SNN and The Buzz this week. To further spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from further intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit her marriage.

According to Kris Aquino’s best friend Boy Abunda, “May pinagdadaanang seryoso ang aking kaibigan.” To give you an idea how serious Kris’ problem is, when she texted her husband and threatened to call it quits, James Yap replied, “Thankz pohwzzz lolz!”

Kris Aquino has reportedly suspended her Twitter.Com and Facebook.Com accounts. But she opened a new account in PerfectMatch.Com

Yusoph Kidnapping
Now this is insane. A son of controversial Comelec Second Division Commissioner Elias Yusoph has been kidnapped by armed men who demanded that election results in several towns in Lanao del Sur be voided. In totally unrelated news, Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal was unable to sleep last night when losing Quezon City mayoral candidate Annie Susano asked him through text, “May anak ka na?”

DepEd vs. CBCP, Again!
An anti-family planning group led by CBCP’s former legal counsel, Jo Imbong has filed a class suit against the Department of Education seeking to stop it from teaching sex education because it makes students “sex-obsessed.” Really?!? You mean sex education is being taught in seminaries?

Smokers
According to the 2009 Global Adult Tobacco Survey, there are 17.3 million cigarette smokers in the country today. I heard they even formed a group to defend their habit. The group’s leader is called ‘president.’

Charice on Glee
Filipina singing sensation Charice will be part of the second season of the hit TV series, “Glee.” Not to be outdone, basketball star James Yap is reportedly auditioning for the next season of “The Bachelor.”

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“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go by any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds; they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Survey Says
FVR for Ramos, PGMA for Gloria, JPE for Estrada. Ano ang dapat kay Noynoy?
PNoy (President Noynoy) 25%
PBSA (President Benigno Simeon Aquino) 7%
PNA (President Noynoy Aquino) 17%
Ambot sa imo! 51%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: The ‘influential’ Danny Lim?

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer chickens out

PDI columnist and ANC host Manolo Quezon compiled some fascinating facts and figures on Noynoy and Binay

Enjoy the rest of the week!

FATE

IT’S BEEN A WEEK since the country held its first ever automated elections. At press time, Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay are leading the PPCRV and the Comelec tally. This is understandable though since both candidates were supported by the INC. Aquino, by the Iglesia ni Cristo, and Binay, by the Iglesia ng Cojuangco.

With both Jejomar Binay and Mar Roxas claiming victory, the race for vice president is far from over. Analysts believe we wouldn’t be in this situation if the Liberal Party didn’t field two VP candidates.

Noynoy’s candidacy according to Inquirer columnist Conrado de Quiros is destiny. He is fated to win. The same is true for Jejomar Binay and Mar Roxas. Binay is destined to be this nation’s vice president; Roxas is destined to be Korina’s husband.

While many people would agree that Noynoy Aquino has secured the presidency, the battle for vice president remains tight. The only thing tighter is Korina Sanchez’ face.

Noynoy’s Oath Taking
Insisting that he’ll never recognize a Chief Justice appointed by President Arroyo, Noynoy Aquino says he’d rather take his oath before a barangay captain. Malacañang says it respects Aquino’s decision and adds that he can swear before anyone, anywhere. In fact, Mar Roxas has successfully done that. He swore before rallyists in Ayala.

Joint Press Con
Did you hear the news? Noynoy Aquino and Mar Roxas held a joint press conference during a wake at a funeral parlor in Tarlac City last Friday. The Liberal Party was quick to clarify though that the wake was for a slain LP supporter, and not for Roxas’ political career.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Liberal Party Headquarters

No. 5: “Sabi ko na sa inyo eh. Hindi dapat pagtiwalaan ang hilatsa ng pagmumukha ng Peping Cojuangco na ‘yan.”

No. 4: “Hindi ka kasi nakinig! ‘Di mo dapat isinama si Korina sa concert ng Tears for Fears.”

No. 3: “Wala ka nang choice. ‘Tapos na eh. So Plan “B” ka na lang. “B”untisin mo na lang ‘yung misis mong broadcaster.”

No. 2: “Akala ko ba, atin ang ABS-CBN? Bakit sa exit polls nila, lamang si Binay?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at Liberal Party headquarters…

“Usapang lalaki ‘Noy. Magsabi ka lang ng totoo, hindi sasama ang loob ko. Si Binay ba talaga ang ibinoto ni Kris?”

Jamby MADrigal
Sen. Jamby Madrigal is furious. She couldn’t understand why she got fewer votes than disqualified presidential candidate Vetellano Acosta. Sought for comment though, Acosta was even more furious. He couldn’t understand why a lot of people now call him ‘Teacher Neric.’

Goodbye Kris?
Remember Kris Aquino’s promise that she would leave the country with her kids if Noynoy would win and she would cause stress for him? Well, after Noynoy posted a huge lead in the election tally, a Facebook group called “Kris Aquino’s Despedida” emerged, and has since been asking Kris to live up to her promise. Guess who was its first member? James Yap.

“Kris Aquino’s Despedida,” a Facebook group whose members are asking Kris to fulfill her promise of leaving the country if Noynoy won as president has become immensely popular. To give you an idea how popular it has become… according to the latest count, it now has more supporters than Nicanor Perlas, JC De Los Reyes and Jamby Madrigal.

Imelda on Marcos
Congresswoman-elect Imelda Marcos says she is abandoning plans to bury her husband at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The former First Lady realized the usefulness of her husband’s body when Ilocos Norte experienced rotating brownouts last month. You know, candles.

Priest Defeated
Among Ed Panlilio lost his re-election bid for the gubernatorial post in Pampanga. He has since returned to priesthood. In fact, he celebrated his first mass today, May 16. His homily was about the parable of the prodigal son.

Congressman Pacman
Boxing champion Manny Pacquiao is now a member of the House of Representatives. An athlete, an action star, and a politician who cannot speak straight English: Sarangani is the new California.

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“It makes no difference who you vote for – the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people.”
~ Gore Vidal

Briefly Noted
The election victory of both Manny Pacquiao and Imelda Marcos was mentioned on CNN. One who became famous for his footwork, and another who became infamous for her footwear.

Survey Says
Should Associate Justice Renato Corona decline his appointment as Chief Justice?
YES, Kung may delicadeza siya. 68.5%
NO. Tama ang proseso. 24.6%
Hindi ko alam ang isyu 6.9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Star’s Chair Wrecker wrote ‘Mar was a victim’

Newsbreak: Peping camp campaign for ‘Noy-Bi’

Another from Newsbreak: GMA abandons Gibo in Pampanga

Have a great week ahead!