SINGLE

Aquino & Cruz
President Aquino still refuses to comment on Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz’ advice for him to stay single. When it comes to romance, the President listens to Mother Mary – the only virgin he trusts.

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, CBCP president and Tandag Bishop Nereo Odchimar called on the public to “not be selfish as to deprive others of their right to live.” And then, in his personal Easter text message to Archbishop Cruz, he asked him to “not be selfish as to deprive Noynoy of his right to love.”

Maundy Thursday
President Aquino and his Cabinet staged a modern version of the Last Supper last Thursday. DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman fed the apostles. Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa drank all the wine.

Easter Sunday
The Philippine National Police and the NBI played Easter egg hunt on Sunday. As expected, they failed to locate the eggs.

Visita Iglesia
With more than 130,000 page views, the CBCP’s Visita Iglesia website was a huge hit. That’s not surprising though since it’s the only place where Catholics could mute or stop a bishop during a sermon.

According to the CBCP, more than 130,000 joined Visita Iglesia online. Catholics actually liked the experience. They had the chance to reflect between tweets.

Pacquiao’s Single
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is training hard to punish Sugar Shane Mosley on May 7. But before that, he is set to punish us all with the global release of  “Sometimes When We Touch” on April 28.

Singer/songwriter Dan Hill says Many Pacquiao’s recording of “Sometimes When We Touch” “was like wow!” To put that in perspective, Hill was paid millions of dollars  in royalty.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao is releasing the single “Sometimes When We Touch” globally on April 28. Your days are numbered… Rebecca Black!

Bieber Blunder
During a concert in Malaysia last April 21, international teen pop star Justin Bieber greeted the crowd, “Hello Manila!” To be fair to Justin, he thought he was in Sabah.
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
~Emo Philips

April 24th
On this day in…

1982: Kelly Clarkson was born. The attending physician said Kelly was in her element. And her first cry… was perhaps the best cry of the night in that hospital. She really made it her own.

1942: Barbra Streisand was born. Baby Barbra weighed 5 lbs… and that was her nose alone!

1998: ABC confirmed that it was canceling the TV series “Ellen.” Ellen DeGeneres then met with GMA 7’s Felipe Gozon for a possible transfer but TV5’s Manny Pangilinan had a better offer.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. After the inauguration, he went straight to a street party and performed on stage with his college friends.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope. Everyone was invited to the inaugural… except for Chief Justice Renato Corona.

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was inaugurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. The event started a bit early so the Vatican had to ask Noel Cabangon to sing a couple more songs.

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa rekomendasyon ng Ombudsman na kasuhan sina Bolante, Lorenzo, atbp kaugnay ng fertilizer fund scam?
Puwede na rin ‘yon. At least, kakasuhan. 25.27%
Bakit ngayon lang? Huli na! Gimmick lang ‘yan. 69.35%
Wala akong pakialam. 5.38%

Bonus!
Narito ang pampasuwerteng hula para sa inyo ngayong Easter Sunday! Right click here.

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Have a wonderful and safe week ahead!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Christmas Tidbits
Malacañang’s Christmas party last week was supposed to be exclusive to Cabinet officials. Confusion ensued however when Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa’s guest list inadvertently included some Communists and Sen. Gringo Honasan.

President Aquino was a no-show at the Presidential Communications Group-sponsored party. Secretary Ricky Carandang said the President was sent an invitation that apparently didn’t reach him. But Secretary Herminio Coloma believed the group actually forgot to send him one. Palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda explained, “At the end of the day, whether an invitation was sent or not, it’s still the thought that counts.”

Even without President Aquino, the Presidential Communications Group’s Christmas party pushed through. In fact, Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang had a blast during the event. Nagpa-raffle kasi ng pogi.

The Department of Interior and Local Government also sponsored a Christmas party. But there was this brief tense moment when a Christmas light bulb exploded and injured a guest from Hong Kong. Local Government Sec. Jesse Robredo couldn’t really explain how it happened saying it was Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno who was in-charge of the Christmas decors.

Undersecretary Rico E. Puno had the most number of guests during the DILG party. Asked who his visitors were a day later, he couldn’t remember anyone of them.

The Christmas party of the Commission on Human Rights started late, by at least an hour to be specific. CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing refused to start the program unless CHR employees followed her preferred seating arrangement.

The justices of the Supreme Court had so much fun during their own Christmas party. Divided into two groups, the justices performed two production numbers… which, as discovered by UP professors later, were copied from ‘ASAP’ and ‘Party Pilipinas.’

The Department of Tourism’s Christmas party was the most colorful of them all. Rumors say the DOT spent 5 million pesos! And that’s for the backdrop of the stage alone.

Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson spent his Christmas in Hong Kong because the judge hearing his drug case did not allow him to spend it here in the Philippines. Despite his sad fate, Singson remained in “high” spirits.

In Times Street, the Aquinos tried but failed to reenact the Nativity Scene… when Kris Aquino, who played the role of Mary, tried to divorce the man who played Joseph for psychological incapacity.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
—————————–
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
~Erma Bombeck

PERSONAL:Christmas Collision
Sino ang hindi dapat kasama sa larawang ito?

Siyempre, dapat wala d’yan ‘yong iyaking self-proclaimed king ng Heat!
Let’s go Lakers! #beattheheat
December 26, 8AM

Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

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[Photo template courtesy of Office Max' Elf Yourself]

FIGURES

Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.

Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?

Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
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“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7′s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
- OO. Why not? 21.44%
- HINDI. 44.37%
- Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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NOYNOY INTERACTIVE

EXACTLY 47 DAYS after President Noynoy Aquino took his oath of office, Malacañang unveiled its biggest accomplishment yet, the President’s website.

President Aquino’s official website, www.president.gov.ph provides a link to the members of his official cabinet. Reports say less than three hours after it was launched Monday, the site garnered more than 16,000 hits. In fact, the photo alone of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was hit 15,000 times.

According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit http://www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Budget Secretary Butch Abad and wife, Congresswoman Dina Abad; PMS Chief Julia Abad, and Finance Secretary Purisima’s Chief of Staff Luis Abad visited the site together. Asked about their favorite link, they said, “Home.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

Top 7 Special Interactive Features of www.president.gov.ph

No. 7: Virtual practical shooting with President Noynoy

No. 6: Beat the Customs Chief in a Round of Online Golf

No. 5: Farmville (Philippine Edition): Stock Option or Land Distribution?

No. 4: KANPAi! Virtual inuman with the Executive Secretary and his friends

No. 3: 101 Ways to Fine-Tune A Defective Executive Order

No. 2: Tracking the Typhoon: Perfect Your Forecast or You’re Fired!

And the No. 1 special interactive feature of http://www.president.gov.ph…

Ako ang Nakikita, Ako ang Nasisisi: Halina’t Mag-Karaoke Kasama si Presidente

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited http://www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
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“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Wala eh. ‘Sensya na. Hindi ako naninigarilyo!”
B: “Mahirap hong ipaliwanag eh. Basta, isang umaga, paggising ng mga legal advisers ko, ito na ho ang sabi nila sa akin, ‘Pare, hinay-hinay na tayo kay Chief Justice. Nega na ang dating eh.’”
C: “Mr. President, ‘wag mo sanang mamasamain. Four petitions against your EOs in less than 100 days?!? Sigurado ka bang graduate ng Ateneo Law School ‘yang mga tao mo?”
D: “Chief, ‘di naman sa nakikialam ako. Hypothetical lang ho. Kung isa kayo sa mga farmers sa Hacienda Luisita, ano ang pipiliin n’yo: kuwarta o lupa?”

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa mungkahing i-abolish ang Sangguniang Kabataan?
- OO! 78.6%
- HINDI. 10.8%
- Wala akong pakialam. 10.6%

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TOO BIG A PROBLEM?

PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO has met with his Cabinet twice to discuss his State of the Nation Address on Monday. Do you still remember his “walang wangwang, walang tong, walang counterflow” statement during his inaugural? Well, rumors say there will be similar declarations in his SONA, e.g. “Walang kaso (Trillanes), walang hinto (media killings), walang tubig.”

Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino will not use any gimmicks in his SONA, unlike former President Arroyo, who used three poor children to dramatize the problems of the country. Instead, Aquino’s SONA will be more optimistic. To underscore the importance of hardwork and loyalty, he’ll use the four Abads in government.

Unconfirmed reports say the president will deliver a 25-minute speech. The first half of the speech will be drafted by the pro-Binay faction of the Communications Group; the second half by the pro-LP/Hyatt 10 faction.

Another unconfirmed report says Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will skip Monday’s State of the Nation Address. She’s tired of listening to other people telling her about her life story.

Of course, Jose Maria Sison’s minions in the Extreme Left will be holding a protest rally on Monday. They are expected to burn effigies… of Etta Rosales.

Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino won’t have any gimmicks in his SONA. Actually, Noynoy initially considered using three poor children and a “bangkang papel.” May nakita na siyang tatlong bata; meron na ring bangka. Ang problema, walang tubiiiig!

What Crisis?
Location: Metro Manila. People fighting one another for a pail of water; angry mob busting water pipes; schools suspending classes, and establishments shutting down operations. All these and yet, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists there is no water crisis. So anong meron tayo? Leadership crisis?

Thousands of residents in the metro’s western zone have become desperate for water. They are now asking the Church to issue an Oratio Imperata Ad Petendam Pluviam or Obligatory Prayer to Request for Rain. If it fails, they’ll be asking President Aquino to party with the Malacañang Press Corps and sing two songs again.

Light Bites
(Warning: Corny. Read at your own risk.)
Q: Saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga mahihirap, mga api, at ang mga underprivileged?
A: Eh ‘di… sa Wawa Dam.

You know there’s a serious water crisis when…
… a member of the Abad family uses the toilet but you only hear the “flush sound” after the fourth member of the family is done with his/her thing;
… Chiz Escudero and Paquito Ochoa ask for water, and Korina Sanchez gives them poison, and,
… former president Gloria Arroyo gets thirsty, and she starts drinking from a ‘leak’ of her own (Eew!).

Brain Drain
PAGASA Deputy Administrator Nathaniel Servando reveals 24 of the top weather forecasters and engineers have left PAGASA in the past 6-10 years for higher-paying jobs abroad. Overseas, they get an equivalent of 150 to 200 thousand pesos per month, and other incentives. Here, they get around 20 to 37 thousand per month, and a president’s invective.

Flash Report!
Isang weather disturbance, palapit nang palapit!
Mga weather forecasters, palayo nang palayo!

Trillanes’ Request Junked
The Makati City RTC has junked the motion for temporary release filed by detained senator Antonio Trillanes so he could attend the inaugural session of the 15th Congress. The court’s decision was a huge setback for Trillanes, his supporters, and Francis Pangilinan.

Sharon’s Gripe
Actress Sharon Cuneta said she felt as if she was stabbed after her husband Francis Pangilinan’s bid for the Senate presidency was rejected by other senators including her uncle, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto. But Sotto was unfazed by Sharon’s gripe saying, “Even if she’s stabbed several times, I’m sure, hindi aabot sa kanyang laman ‘yon.”

Asked why he’s supporting Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Sotto explained, “Gusto ko happy siya!”
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“A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.”
~ Ralph W. Sockman

Survey Says
What do you think of the four Abads in government?
- They are qualified. What’s your problem?!? 26%
- Weather-weather lang ‘yan. 69%
- Wala akong pakialam. 5%

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Personal
Nakikisimpatya at nakikiisa ako kina Mang Zosimo, ang pedicab driver at Aling Budang, ang maliit na tindera ng puto’t kutsinta sa palengke sa kanilang pagtutol sa plano ng pamahalaang Aquino na sila ay buwisan. Bago n’yo habulin ang mga Pinoy na kayod-kalabaw, habulin n’yo muna ang mga asal-halimaw katulad ng mga opisyal ng Makati City Hall na may utang na 1.2 billion pesos sa BIR. Kailan n’yo sila sisingilin, kapag presidente na si Binay, at senador na si Junjun, at alkalde na ang kanyang apo? Bakit natahimik ang kaso laban sa IMBOA president na si Claire De La Fuente na hindi nagbayad ng 417 million pesos na buwis? Napakaraming dapat habulin, ‘yung maliliit ang inyong iipitin? Ginagalit n’yo ko ah!