THE NERVE!

FORMER ALLY ZALDY AMPATUAN has come out and accused her of election fraud and graft. Ex-Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has also named her as the brains behind the 2007 poll fraud in the province. And her name has been dragged into the PCSO fund controversy. Despite the allegations, erstwhile president and incumbent Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has opted to remain silent.

Until now.

GMA has granted The Professional Heckler another exclusive interview. Here is the transcript of the unedited conversation.

The Professional Heckler: Welcome back and a great evening Mrs. President!
GMA: Not really! I just saw Zaldy and Bedol in the news.
Heckler: Later na ho natin pag-usapan ‘yan. How do I address you nga pala? Mrs. President? Madam Congresswoman? Ma’am Gloria?
GMA: It doesn’t matter ‘no. Hindi naman ako mashelan. Huwag mo lang akong tatawaging Tita dahil hindi kita pamangkin!

Heckler: Do you have an opening statement ma’am before I start asking questions?
GMA: Bakit? Senate hearing ba ‘to?! Akala ko interview lang?
Heckler: Oh, I’m so sorry ma’am. Sige po, any opening message na lang?
GMA: Ok, ok. Let me take this opportunity ‘noh to congratulate the Ateneo Blue Eagles. Ang hushay hushay n’yo, ‘no! Talon talaga ako nang talon kanina habang nanonood. Nasira ko nga yata ‘yong sofa eh! I am sho proud of my alma mater. I hope the feeling ish mutual ‘noh. At shobrang galing ni L.A. Revilla ‘noh! That rookie wash phenomenal in Game 2.
Heckler: Ma’am, taga-La Salle po si L.A. at hindi siya rookie.
GMA: Oh, na-confuse ako sa shobrang saya. I am shorry! One Big Fight, ‘noh?! Hihihi

Heckler: Diretso na tayo sa mga alegasyong ibinabato sa inyo ma’am.
GMA: Pakibilisan mo lang dahil may check up pa ako sa St. Luke’s ‘noh. Sumasakit na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! At hindi ko puwedeng paghintayin si Dr. Juliet Cervantes. Mahal ang per hour no’n ‘noh.
Heckler: Sige po. Unang isyu: Ayon kay suspended ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan, sangkot daw po kayo sa dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Kung wala kang itatanong na bago, this interview is over! Shumashakit lang ang leeg ko sha ‘yo ‘noh!
Heckler: Eh ma’am, ngayon lang ho kasi nagsalita si Zaldy Ampatuan against you ‘di ba?
GMA: Noong 2004, ako. Noong 2007 ako. Baka bukash-makalawa, pati ‘yong Maguindanao Massacre sa ‘kin rin ibintang. Sa totoo lang ‘noh, nalulungkot ako sa mga nangyayaring ito. Zaldy and I have come a long way. Close ako sha pamilyang ‘yan and Maguindanao was like my second home in Mindanao next only to Iligan. Mashakit sa akin ang mapagbintangan ng ishang bagay na wala akong kaalam-alam. I categorically deny that ‘noh.
Heckler: Ano pong mensahe n’yo kay Zaldy Ampatuan?
GMA: Zaldy, friendship, wala namang ganyanan ‘noh. Alam mo ang totoo. Huwag mo akong idawit d’yan! Let’s just all move on… ‘noh? Huwag kang mag-alala, shuportado ko ang plano mong pagpapalit ng pangalan. I will text you some suggestions after my check up, ‘no?

Heckler: Lintang Bedol, ma’am. Ayon sa kanya, kayo raw ang arkitekto ng dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Paano ako magiging arkitekto? Arroyo ang apelyido ko, hindi Palafox ‘noh! Jussh kidding. Hihihi Hindi ko kilala ‘yang si Lintang Bedol na ‘yan at wala akong pakialam ke linta man ‘yan, kuto o pulgash. Walang katotohanan ang shinashabi n’yan ‘noh.
Heckler: Sa inyong palagay ma’am, bakit po siya lumantad?
GMA: Ngayon ko lang shashabihin ‘to ‘noh. At sa ‘yo lang. Malakash ang kutob kong may kinalaman si Ping sa paglabash ni Bedol.
Heckler: Shi Shenator Lacshon ho?
GMA: Umayosh ka! Huwag mong gayahin ang S-defect ko. Oo! Si Shenator Lacshon. Ano bang shabi ni Bedol sa interviewsh sa kanya? “Kaibigan ko si Lacshon.” ‘Yon ang sabi niya. Shinong reporter ang naglabash ng ishtorya? ‘Di ba shi Anthony Taberna? Shino si Anthony Taberna? Inaanak sha kashal ni Shenator Lacshon. You do the math ‘noh.
Heckler: Hindi naman siguro gano’n ma’am.
GMA: Marunong ka pa sa akin! Shino bang interviewee dito? Ikaw o ako? Gushto mo palit na lang tayo ng puweshto? How’s your sex life iho?
Heckler: Sorry naman ma’am. Mensahe na lang ho n’yo kay Lintang Bedol…
GMA: Wala… ‘noh! Pero may mensahe ako kay Migs Zubiri. Migs, anak… alam mong ginawa namin ang lahat para sa ‘yo! Huwag kang bibitaw. Two more years. Kaya mo ‘yan noh?

Heckler: Rosario Uriarte ma’am. Gaano kayo kalapit sa kanya?
GMA: Oh, si Roshario! Matagal ko nang kaibigan ‘yang si Roshario, DTI days pa namin ‘noh. Pero ewan ko ba sha babaeng ‘yan! Until now, wala pa ring effort mag-ayosh ng sharili. Ni-refer ko na ‘yan sha aking stylist noon, pero look at her today! Deshpicable!
Heckler: Pirmado n’yo po ang mga PCSO memoranda kung saan makikitang nag-request ng millions and millions of funds si Mrs. Uriarte.
GMA: Sandali lang. Hindi pa ako taposh sa hairstyle ni Roshario. My goodnessh, she is attending a Shenate hearing ‘noh… not a lotto draw! Pero tingnan mo ang kanyang buhok! Ghastly, atrocious, contemptible…. ‘noh!? Ano ngang question mo?
Heckler: From 2008 to 2010, you approved some 325 million pesos in confidential intelligence funds. Para saan po ‘yon?
GMA: As the name suggests, it’s confidential. Next question!

Heckler: Ang sabi ni Senator TG Guingona, plunder ang nangyari. Pandarambong sa pera ng PCSO!
GMA: Hindi na ako nashoshorpresa! Kung gaano kalaki ang mga tainga ng TG na ‘yan, gano’n din kalaki ang galit nilang mag-ama sha akin. Ayaw ko na siyang patulan.

GMA: Shandali lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang aking brace dahil kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! Last three questions na lang puwede?
Heckler: Nang matanggap n’yo ho ang sulat ni Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos asking for a brand new car, anong naramdaman n’yo?
GMA: Honeshtly?
Heckler: Kung kaya n’yo, sige.
GMA: Gusto mo umalis na ‘ko?
Heckler: Sorry ulit ma’am. Sige po, honestly…
GMA: At first, nagulat ako. May pagka-demanding ang tono ni Bishop Pueblosh. Pero dahil ayaw ko nang madagdagan ang kaaway kong obispo, pinalampas ko na lang ang pagiging choosy niya. Shabi nga nila, if you can’t beat them, bribe them… ‘noh?

Heckler: Sa hearing po last week, tinanong ni Sen. Jinggoy Estrada si Bishop Pueblos kung tatanggap ba siya ng pera mula sa devil basta’t makakatulong ito sa mahihirap. Ang sagot po ni Bishop Pueblos, oo daw. Ang tanong ko po sa inyo: Kung kayo po ay magiging devil… why not?
GMA: “Hello? Dr. Cervantes? Yes… yes. I’m on my way. See you.”
Heckler: Teka lang naman ma’am. Hindi pa ho ko ‘tapos. I will rephrase the question na lang: Kung susulat ho ulit sa inyo si Bishop Pueblosh upang humingi ng brand new car, bibigyan n’yo ba?
GMA: I don’t think it’s necessary. As my father, the late Ka Dadong told me, “Do what ish right, do what ish best, and Romy Macalintal & Lito Atienza will do the rest.”

Heckler: Malapit na po ang State of the Nation Address ni Pangulong Aquino. Dadalo ho ba kayo?
GMA: What for? Alam ko na naman ang sasabihin n’ya… ‘no? “Dahil kay Gloria lumobo ang utang ng PCSO. Dahil kay Gloria, nagkaroon ng fish kill. Dahil kay Gloria, nanapak si Sara Duterte. Dahil kay Gloria, na-rape daw si Amanda Coling. Dahil kay Gloria, nabuntis si Andi Eigenmann. Dahil kay Gloria, walang girlfriend ang inyong pangulo.” Lahat na lang dahil sa ‘kin!
Heckler: Eh baka naman po talagang dahil sa inyo?
GMA: Dahil d’yan… tapos na tayo!
Heckler: Hahaha Nagbibiro lang ma’am. We’re almost done! Punta na tayo sa paborito kong segment, ang Rapid Round. Sabihin n’yo sa akin kung ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip n’yo kapag nababanggit ang mga sumusunod na pangalan. Ready na ho kayo?
GMA: Teka lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang brace ko. Ooops, the nerve. It must be the nerve. Kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. Wait! There! Ok na! Game!

Heckler: Ok! Let’s begin! Bishop Pueblos…
GMA: Caring.

Heckler: Sara Duterte…
GMA: Daring.

Heckler: Leila De Lima…
GMA: Dating! Ang shaya-shaya ‘noh? May boyfriend pala siya.

Heckler: Mar Roxas…
GMA: Balay.

Heckler: Rosario Uriarte…
GMA: Suklay.

Heckler: Pangulong Aquino…
GMA: Walang malay!

Heckler: Bakit naman walang malay ma’am?
GMA: I don’t have to elaborate. Wala naman sa rules ng game ‘noh?!

Heckler: Fine! Next… Jose Ping De Jesus…
GMA: He quit.

Heckler: Charice Pempengco…
GMA: A hit.

Heckler: Zaldy Ampatuan…
GMA: Ayyy, shit!

Heckler: Palace social secretary Susan Reyes…
GMA: Kabit?!? Ay tsismis nga lang pala ‘yong sha kanila ni Mar. Shorry Ate Koring. I wash jusht kidding. Ang saya-saya ‘noh?

Heckler: FYI lang Mrs. President, noong nasa Europe ho kayo, nag-deny na si Ate Koring. Going strong pa rin daw ang pagsasama nila.
GMA: Hay naku! Ganyang-ganyan din ang statement ko noon. You know naman kung anong nangyari ‘di ba? Anyway, next!

Heckler: Noli De Castro…
GMA: Announcer.

Heckler: Rodrigo Duterte…
GMA: Silencer!

Heckler: Panfilo Lacson?
GMA: Dacer? Ang suwerte-suwerte n’ya, ‘noh?

Heckler: Finally, Dinky Soliman…
GMA: Traydor!

Heckler: Erap…
GMA: Emperador!

Heckler: Lilia Pineda…
GMA: Kubrador. Ooops, shorry ulit… paki-erase na lang ng part na ito, please? Mahal ko ang kumare kong ‘yan ‘noh?

Heckler: Mrs. President, I have a hypothetical question. Sana po ay sagutin n’yo. Kung sakali pong makulong kayo habambuhay dahil sa katiwalian at kurapsyon, ‘buti nga sa ‘yo!
GMA: Teka, teka, medyo nalito ako. Your question is…
Heckler: ‘Di bale na lang po, baka ma-late kayo sa inyong appointment. Huling tanong na lang po: Ano pong grado ang ibibigay n’yo sa performance ng ating Pangulo after a year in office?
GMA: Alam naman ng lahat na naging estudyante ko ‘yan sa Ateneo ‘noh. Well, some things never change. Pasang-awa pa rin. If it’s any consolation, consistent siya sa kanyang sub-par performance.

Heckler: Any advice po sa ating Pangulo?
GMA: I only have three words for him: “Tigilan mo na ako!”
Heckler: Ma’am, four words po ‘yan.
GMA: The nerve! It must be the nerve. Sorry, I have to go. Thank you.
Heckler: Thank you rin ma’am.
-END OF INTERVIEW-
——————————————————————————-
“Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.”
~Tryon Edwards

Quote of the Weak
“Tell that to the anchovies. They treat the public like small fishes with small brains.”
-Lawyer Raul Lambino on palace claims it had nothing to do with Zaldy Ampatuan’s and Lintang Bedol’s statements against his client, the Arroyos

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang imbestigahan ang mga rebelasyon nina Lintang Bedol at Zaldy Ampatuan kaugnay ng dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007?
-Dapat lang para may closure. 53.74%
-Move on. 19.05%
-Wala akong pakialam. Uy, na-try n’yo na ba ang Google+ ? 27.21%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a great week ahead!

HOLY STORMS!

Narito ang updated na talaan ng mga bagyong pumasok, papasok o kasalukuyang nasa loob ng Pilipinas:

Bagyong Mar Roxas
Inaasahang papasok sa Philippine area of responsibility sa darating na Hunyo. Nangangamba ang marami sa posibleng pagsasalubong nila ng Bagyong Jojo Ochoa. Maaari daw itong magdulot ng dobleng peligro sa bansa.

Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Tahimik lamang ang bagyong ito ngunit malalaman mong paparating na siya dahil pasuray-suray ang pagtahak niya sa kanyang dinadaanan.

Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Matapos manalanta, sinisi niya ang forecast ng PAGASA. Mali-mali daw ang facts at figures na inilalabas ng weather bureau.

Bagyong Leila De Lima
Napakatapang na bagyo. Matatalim na kidlat at kulog ang dala ngunit walang gaanong ulan kaya’t minimal ang pinsala. May isang obserbasyon nga lang ang mga kritiko ng Bagyong Leila: kung saan-saang lugar daw siya pumapasok.

Bagyong Panfilo Lacson
Kahit moderno na ang instrumento ng pamahalaan, nahirapan pa rin silang ma-detect ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, palaisipan pa rin kung sang bahagi ng mundo siya nagmula.

Bagyong Manny Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan, ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Bagyong Mommy Dionisia
Pinapayuhang mag-ingat ‘yong malaswa, ‘yong mga taong malaswaaaaa!

Bagyong Juan Ponce Enrile
Pinakamatagal sa puwesto; hindi gumagalaw. Dumaan na ang iba pang sama ng panahon, nananalasa pa rin siya.

Bagyong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Siyam na taong nanalanta sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa tuluyang nakakabangon ang bansa sa pinsalang kanyang idinulot.

Bagyong Tingting Cojuangco
Nabigla ang mga weather forecasters sa ikinilos kamakailan ng sosyal na bagyong ito. Matapos manalanta sa Central Luzon noong early 1990s, nagpaparamdam ito ngayon sa dakong Mindanao bilang isang weather disturbance. Gayunman, wala pang katiyakan kung siya ay magiging ganap na bagyo.

Bagyong Imelda Marcos
Dekada sesenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik at patuloy pa rin sa pananalasa.

Bagyong Ernesto Diokno
Matapos magdulot ng pinsala, tumanggi siyang akuin ang responsibilidad at ipinasa ito sa mas mahihinang bagyo. Sinisi rin niya ang mga nagdaang sama ng panahon. Bagamat bahagyang humina, nananatili pa rin ito sa puwesto dahil malakas daw ang kapit kay Lord.

Bagyong Antonio Leviste
Ang inisyal na forecast ay stationary lamang ito ngunit marami ang nagulat nang ma-detect siya ng ABS-CBN News Weather Bueau sa dakong Makati at Maynila. Iniimbestigahan na ang mga awtoridad sa kabiguan nilang ma-monitor ang galaw ni Bagyong Leviste.

Bagyong Manny V. Pangilinan
Mayaman sa ulan at hangin. Tuwing kumukulog at kumikidlat, nawawalan ng signal ang Globe!

Bagyong CBCP
Matagal-tagal na rin ang ginagawa nitong pananalanta sa Pilipinas. Sa tuwing magrereklamo ang mga tao sa dala niyang pinsala, nagbabanta ito ng walang tigil na pag-ulan at pagbaha upang lipulin ang “masasama.”

Bagyong Jejomar Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Bagamat matindi ang dulot na pinsala, hindi ito gaanong napapansin dahil marami din namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Matapos tumama sa Kamaynilaan, nakatutok naman ang mata ng Bagyong Binay sa mas malawak at mas matinding pananalanta sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa sa 2016.

Bagyong Noynoy Aquino
Tuwid na direksyon ang tinatahak ng bagyong ito ngunit napakabagal at may katamaran. Tanghali na kung ito ay kumilos kaya’t inaabot nang madaling araw ang pananalanta. Walang gaanong ulan ngunit malakas ang hanging bumabayo kaya’t binansagan din itong ‘tuyot na bagyo.’
—————————————————
“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”
~Author Unknown

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HOW TWEET IT IS

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1: Pantawid Pasada
- Temporaryong solusyon sa malalang problema
- Pumili ka: meron o wala?
Halimbawa:
Driver: Mahal na Pangulo, hirap na hirap na kaming mga drivers. Sa taas ng gas, wala na kaming kinikita.
Pangulo: ’Wag kayong mag-alala. Dahil kayo ang boss ko, heto ang Pantawid Pasada – isang card na may lamang P1,050 good for one month. That’s 1,050 pesos divided by 30 days= 35 pesos. Kalahating kilong asukal ‘din ‘yan! How sweet ‘di ba!

2: Rollback
- Lantarang panggogoyo
- Bulok, luma at kumitang istilo ng mga kompanya ng langis upang matiyak na kalmado ang gobyerno at ang publiko
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Sir, magkano ba ang iro-rollback n’yo sa presyo ng langis?
Oil firm spokesman: Depende ‘yan. Kung ang presyo ay tumaas ng 60 centavos per liter, ‘tapos biglang nag-ingay ang mga militante, 40 centavos kada litro ang rollback. Two weeks from now, magtataas ulit kami ng 50 centavos per liter. Kapag umalma ang Department of Energy, siyempre, kailangang mag-rollback ng 30 centavos. The amount to be rolled back is directly proportional to the scale of protests.

“I tweet therefore I am.”
The Professional Heckler intercepted the following posts on Twitter. Enjoy reading while he verifies the authenticity of each tweet.

Eraption
Maluwag ang pakiramdam kapag nagpapatawad. Kahit ganun ang ginawa ni @Chef_Ping sa akin, i have forgiven him!

CongGMA
@elena_horn pls draft a statement. ayaw talaga akong tantanan ng mga ‘yan. plunder naman ngayon. call @FrankDuque. ihanda n’ya ‘ka mo ang mga dokumento.

Chef_Ping
i just read the statement of the former president in today’s paper. forgiven? why? did i seek his forgiveness? tigilan ako.

FrankDuque
@CongGMA ako ang bahala ma’am. relax lang kayo. malalampasan natin ito. okiduque?

MerciFull
@CongGMA hi ma’am. the plunder case they filed against you is laughable, baseless, ridiculous, absurd, desperate, and preposterous. be strong ma’am. regards to @attymike.

Eraption
@Chef_Ping matigas ka pa rin. kaya ka kinakarma eh. di ka marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob.

CongGMA
@MerciFull uy! nagbago ka na ng Twitter account? wala na ‘yong @MerciGutsy? samahan mo ulit ako sa gym later. see yah!

Chef_Ping
i rather cook adobo than dignify the diatribe of a has-been politician. tama ba ako @angtunaynamichaelrayaquino? hahaha musta ka na friend? can’t wait for your extradition.

angtunaynamichaelrayaquino
@Chef_Ping ‘tang-ina. hahaha malas talaga. hindi pinansin ng korte ang appeal ko. kitakits bro!

Eraption
o, bakit nakakalaya pa ‘yang si gloria? bakit ako noon, dinakip kaagad matapos kasuhan ng plunder? hindi man lang ako nakaligo no’n. unfair naman yata ‘yan.

CongGMA
@Eraption bitter ka pa rin. mag-move on ka na. paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi mo.

TheRealNoynoy
kakatapos lang ipaayos ang kotse. sumadsad eh. ang kulit kasi ni @SayChiz. ang bilis magpatakbo!

SayChiz
@TheRealNoynoy o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
pssst! idelete mo ‘yang tweet na ‘yan! baka kumalat. RT @SayChiz o, bakit ako na naman? nang bumaligtad ‘yan noong march, hindi naman ako ang kasama mo ah.

TheRealNoynoy
@MrPalengke excited ka na? malapit nang matapos ang 1-year ban sa mga losers, este, non-winners. joke lang. ano bang gusto mong puwesto?

MrPalengke
@TheRealNoynoy teka lang. I have to consult @Rated_K. hon, ano bang gusto mo?

Rated_K
@MrPalengke any post will do hon. as long as we’re in power. btw, hon did you hear the chismis about @SayChiz? five months na raw hiwalay? karma.

SayChiz
@RatedK leave us alone! may alam din ako tungkol kay @MrPalengke! baka ma-shock ka kapag nalaman mo!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, stop it na! ‘wag na nating pakialaman ang buhay ni @SayChiz. enjoy your stay na lang in the vatican.

TheRealNoynoy
Congratulations @LDLima for getting the highest performance rating among cabinet members in the recent sws survey.

Chef_Ping
eh pa’no di magna-number 1 sa survey ‘yan, lahat na lang ng isyu, sinalihan. buwakaw sa publicity.

LDLima
@Chef_Ping don’t make this personal. let’s stick to the issue. baka nakakalimutan mo, hindi pa tapos ang usapin! @karinadacer and family deserve justice.

Gatdula_NBIChief
@LDLima sorry ma’am but i gotta say this. that’s not how you treat our future DILG secretary. the good senator deserves an apology.

Simply_Jesse_DILG
@Gatdula_NBIChief may alam ka bang hindi ko alam? am i on my way out? @TheRealNoynoy pakisagot please.

TheRealNoynoy
punye*a! humina ang signal ng broadband ko. brb. tweet you all later.

Official_Balay
SWS Performance Rating: Atty. Edwin Lacierda:43% and Sec. Ricky Carandang:36% vs. Sec. Herminio Coloma:31 percent. Therefore, Balay, 2: Samar, 0. ‘Nuff said.

Official_Samar
@Official_Balay 2-0?!? Patawa! Ipinagmamalaki n’yo ang 43 at 36 percent? How about this: Vice President Jejomar Binay (Samar Group): 83 percent! Pagsamahin n’yo man ang ratings n’yo, taob pa rin kayo! Hahahahaha!

Jojo_OchoOcho
thank you guys for the trust. nasa top 5 ako sa sws survey. sabi sa news, “biggest gainer.” yey!

RatedK
akalain mo ‘yon? wala na ngang ginagawa nasa top 5 pa?! ang lakas ng tsamba! i’m sure, magpapainom ‘yan!

MrPalengke
@RatedK hon, ‘di ba sabi ko, tama na? pati ba naman ‘yong lasenggong ‘yon pinapatulan mo pa? focus ka na lang sa coverage mo ng beatification ni pope john paul II. malay mo, mabawasan pa ang kasalanan mo. jooooke! miss you hon. mwah!

Free_Willie
malapit na akong bumalik. mas masayang show, mas maraming games, mas malaking papremyo. hindi tayo kayang ibagsak ng @abscbn. abangan ang pagbabalik ni janjan sa sarili niyang segment: Machonuring Bata Portion!

ABSCBNews
Today’s top story: Groups file child abuse raps vs. Willie Revillame, Willing Willie

Free_Willie
@ABSCBNews eh di magreklamo kayo sa lolo n’yong panot. hahaha

TeyVeeeeeeeee_Patrollll
Tanong ng TVP: Dapat bang bumalik sa telebisyon si Willie? A. Huwag na! B. No way! Tweet your vote now or txt TVP (space) A or B and send to 2666 for all networks except TV5.

CBCFee
if there are pro-RH bill inside the church, go out! it’s useless! terrorists! condoms kill the innocents. no to rh bill! no to condoms!

GymParedes
@CBCFee millions of my sperm cells die thrice a week (ok ok, twice a week lang). so i’m a terrorist now?

CBCFee
@GymParedes become a bishop first, then let’s talk.

INC_10%
RH Bill FTW! Wohoo!

CBCFee
@INC_10% whateverrrrrrrr!

CongressmanPacquiao
and huuuuuu em i to jads u on what u say or do? I’m onli jazz beginning… 2 c the reeel u. in sometime wen wii tats. tisting lang! hihihi hindi ako maka-concentrit sa rekurding eh. laging nakabuntut si dianne. feeling ko nga siya ang nanay ku! juk lang. hihihi

GMANews
Abangan sa 24 Oras: Ang schedule ng pag-utot at pagdumi ni Prince William, dalawang araw bago siya ikasal! Exclusive!

A_N_C
First look! Kate Middleton releases photos of her first ever sanitary napkin! Exclusive!

TV5_AksyonTV
Abangan! Ang isusuot na boxer briefs ni Prince William sa kanilang honeymoon! Exclusive!

Pearly_Shell
@Chevron magkano bang itataas natin next week? 40 o 50 centavos? decide na kasi tayo. can we discuss this over dinner with @Petron?

Petron
@Pearly_Shell @Chevron itodo na natin! madali namang magrollback if ever. game?

Chevron
@Petron @Pearly_Shell why not? merry christmas guys! tiba-tiba na naman! see you later!

Piston
@Petron @Pearly_Shell @Chevron tang-i*a n’yo! mga buwaya kayo!

HighEnergyDepartment
@Piston mag-apologize ka! ‘wag mong binabastos sina @Petron @Pearly_Shell & @Chevron! malaki ang tulong nila sa ekonomiya!

iAm_MarleneAguilar
@JudgeVargas how could u cite me 4 contempt when i just told the truth? wala kang bayag! ‘yang sex organ mo wala ring helmet! come on! fight me! you made life for Jsin miserable. i won’t stop until i see u rot in Hades. come on! fight me!

Aiko_M
i swear i didn’t start the rumor na bakla si bulacan, bulacan mayor patrick meneses! stop dragging me into this ka-cheapan. break na kami but no, i won’t speak ill of her, i mean him.

PatMeneses_Bulacan
@Aiko_M sa korte ka na magpaliwanag bruha ka! kung anu-ano ang ikinakalat mong tsismis about me! i will sue you! bitch!

CongressmanPacquiao
i wanna hold u tell i die. tell we boat brick down en cry. i wanna hold u tell the fair in me subsiiiiiiide… salamat sa supurta! || pwidi ba, tigilan mu muna ang pagsunud sa akin @diannecastilliju? maliligu na aku! gave me a break!
—————————————————
“We have, I fear, confused power with greatness.”
~Stewart Udall

In Memoriam: Friendster
“On May 31, Friendster will move to wipe out all photos, blogs, comments and groups uploaded or created by its users.”

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Enjoy the rest of the week. Ingat!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!

Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. – FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  – Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. – Senator Chiz.”
—————————————————–
“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!

JEOPARDY!

ARE YOU FAMILIAR with Jeopardy? It’s the American quiz show with a “unique answer-and-question format.” Players are given clues in the form of answers, and they must phrase their responses in question form.

Here’s an example:
EMPLOYERS for $1200
Answer: It offers a salary of only P30,000 per month but after five years, you get to earn a total of 740 million pesos!
“What is… the AFP?” | #maytamaka! #ligot

The following were lifted from a recent episode of “Jeopardy! Riddles Edition!” where thousands of dollars were given away to a set of Filipino contestants. [Opo, merong gano'n. 'Wag n'yo nang itanong kung saan.] Enjoy!

FARM VILLE for $1400
Answer: Mukhang tao, tunog veggie, may padulas from AFP!
“Who is… Pichay?” | #kureeeeek! #AFPslushfund

WOMEN IN GOVERNMENT for $1000
Answer: Hanap ay pruweba, gusto ay ebidensya; opposite ni Heidi Mendoza, kakampi ni Carlos F. Garcia!
“Who is… the Ombudsman?”
Please be specific.
‘Who is… Merceditas Gutierrez?” | #mismo!

“PAN”THOM for $400
Answer: Pa’no makikita itong taong ito, kung ang paghahanap ay isang Moro-moro!
“Who is… PANfilo Lacson?” | #siyananga!

RICH KIDS for $600
Answer: Hindi hari, hindi pari, luxury cars ay sari-sari.
“Who is… the President?” | #taaamah!

“J” WALKING for $800
Answer: Kuwarenta’y kuwatro lang nang maluklok sa Makati, inabot na ng setenta, kanya pa rin ang torre.
“Who is… Jejomar Binay?” | #ofcourse

THE CABINET for $1600
Answer: Tatlong ulo isang katawan, palihim na nagkakagatan.
“What is… the Presidential Communications Group?” | #aminin!

PAPA “P” for $200
Answer: Ginaya si Bruce Lee, naging Justin Bieber, Lito Camo-clone forever.
“Who is… Pacquiao?” | #unasalahatsalamatsapanginuunsasupurta #akoNaNga!

KATA-QUOTE for $400
Answer: “Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, malaking populasyon ang kailangan!”
“What is… the CBCP?” | #amen!

PBA for $1600
Answer: Hindi liga, hindi basketball, sa Ombudsman dala’y trouble.
“What is… plea bargain agreement.” | #yunNa!

BAD WORDS for $500
Answer: Nang magalit si Mar sa ChaCha, umalingawngaw ito sa Ayala.
“What is… ‘Puuuut*ng-i*a! Ano ba ‘to!” | #patayTAYOjan

“G” SPOT for $800
Answer: Nang mawala ang immunity bilang pangulo, ginamit na pananggalang mga ka-distrito!
“Who… is Gloria?” | #whoelse?!

POWERFUL for $300
Answer: Nakalusot sa NAIA dala niyang droga. How did that happen? Nagtaka ka pa!
“Who is… Cong. Ronald Singson?” | #true!

TOURISTS for $1400
Answer: Travel expenses ay lumolobo, nasa selda man ang sundalo.
“Who is… Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV in detention?” | #taaama!

AND FINALLY…
PLASTICS for $100
Answer: Naglaho ang reaksyon sa mukha ni Asuncion dahil kay Vicki Belo at sa kanyang injection.
“Who are… Gretchen Barretto, and other celebrities na nasobrahan sa Botox?” | #ouch!

ODD TALENTS for $1600
Answer: Horror man o drama, comedy o aksyon, consistent ang pagganap, iisa’ng emosyon!
‘Who is… Kris Aquino?” | #Pilipinas,maytamaka!
———————————-
“There are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions.”
~Charles Proteus Steinmetz

Reposting my tweet from last night…
“Dear Mr. Chinese President: Kung gusto po ninyo, ‘yong tatlong Pinoy na nasa death row, papalitan namin ng tatlong heneral plus eight houses in the US. Deal?”

At nagreply daw ang Chinese President: “Kayo gusto palit tatlo Pinoys with tatlo generals plus 8 houses? Aglee ako d’yan pero sa isa kondisyon: puwede ba sama Mrs Ligot? S’ya fascinating! S’ya husay real estate.”

Survey Says
Sang-ayon ka bang dapat ihimlay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang bangkay ni dating pangulong Ferdinand Marcos?
Oo, panahon na! 28.76%
Hindi! Hindi siya bayani! 58.19%
Pag-iisipan ko pa. 13.05%

Elsewhere
Asian Wall Street Journal: Single Asian President Seeks Soul Mate for Very Public Romance

Personal
From my Palanca Award-winning friend Layeta Bucoy (ikaw na!):
Nicolas Pichay’s “3-N-1/ 10-10-10:Writing-on-Site Workshop for Stage, TV, and Film
This workshop has limited available slots. Interested parties are encouraged to immediately submit a letter of intent to marcelohdelpilar@yahoo.com (Re: 3-N-1/ 10-10-10). Only for purposes of diagnostics, each participant is encouraged to submit with the letter a soft copy of a previously written stage, tv or film script (not necessarily produced). For inquiries: 7824454.

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Have a great weekend! Go West! #NBA All Stars

BIRTHDAY BOY

Happy Birthday!
On February 8, President Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III is turning a year older… or as his government would call it “age hike.”

This coming week, President Aquino will celebrate his 51st birthday. Rumor has it that Malacañang is preparing a carnival-themed birthday bash for him. In fact, he can’t wait to test-drive a bumper car.

President Aquino is celebrating his 51st birthday on February 8. There will be singing, dancing, and exciting games. Members of Balay and Samar groups will play tug of war.

President Aquino will turn 51 on February 8. To mark his birthday, the President will smoke 51 candles.

The President’s birth date is February 8, 1960. He was born under the sign… “Smoking Area.”

Just so you know, on February 8, both Communist leader Jose Maria Sison and President Noynoy Aquino will celebrate their birthday. So Feb. 8 will be the birthday of two prominent Filipinos: an old man who has not accomplished anything significant for the country, and Jose Maria Sison.

What do CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison and the late American actor James Dean have in common? Answer: They share the same birthday – February 8, and they’re both rebels without a cause.

President Aquino was born Feb. 8 while his sister Kris was born on Feb. 14. On Times Street, following tradition, the whole family will sing “Happy Birthday” to Noynoy first, and then, scream another “Happy Birthday” to Kris.

Chaos in Egypt
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would not seek reelection when his term expires, and vowed to step down in September. Egyptians, however refused to believe him mainly because he made the promise last Tuesday, the death anniversary of their national hero.

Despite the massive protests in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has refused to step down. Egyptians are getting frustrated. If only to force Mubarak to resign, they are willing hold protest rallies at Edsa.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he is not running again for president when his term expires in September. However, he is seeking a seat in Congress.

Mubarak’s Cabinet officially resigned last Saturday morning, but the embattled president himself continues to hold power. The resigned cabinet members then formed a group called Hyatt-Cairo 10.

As thousands of Egyptians rally for his ouster, President Hosni Mubarak decided to name a vice president, his possible replacement. But observers predict Mubarak will probably finish his term… because his chosen VP was a former newsreader.

Amid the massive street protests, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak continues to cling to power. Of course, he’d be out of office by now if his military chief were Angelo Reyes.

In Washington DC, US President Barack Obama said, “The future of Egypt will be determined by its people.” And then followed it with, “Joooooke!”

The Fugitive
The Court of Appeals has dismissed the murder charges filed against Sen. Panfilo Lacson over the twin killings of publicist Bubby Dacer and his driver in 2000. Lacson is reportedly ecstatic. He’s been waiting for this all his life. You know, an opportunity to ‘come out.’

The Court of Appeals has junked the murder charges filed against Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The appellate court said there was no probable cause to implicate Lacson in the twin murders, or as Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez would probably insist, “Mahina ang ebidensya.”

This just in: Senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement (through email) blasting the Department of Justice for saying that the CA’s dismissal of the case didn’t nullify the arrest warrant issued against him. But Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is questioning the veracity of the message because the email address used by the sender was wagkangmawawalasabirthdaypartykosafebruary8@malacañang.com.

Less Crime
Prof. Charlie Chao, a feng shui expert says there will be less incidence of crime in the country in the year of the metal rabbit… unless of course Raymond Dominguez is allowed to post bail for the 20th time.

Most Handsome
According to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV is the most handsome senator today. That was made possible partly by the non-reelection of Senator Jamby Madrigal.

If ever he’ll do a movie, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV wants to be paired with actress Gretchen Barretto. When Gretchen heard this, she laughed so hard, Botox squirted out of her face.

New Show
ABS-CBN has a new program. Replacing “Pilipinas Win na Win” starting Feb. 12 is the noontime show called “Happy, Yipee, Yehey!” a.k.a. “Wowowee: Part 3.”
————————————–
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

You Have Spoken!
Ano ang dapat maging sanction ng Kamara kay Cong. Ronald Singson?
- Censure 1.16%
- Suspension 1.39%
- Expulsion 97.45%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: The ‘Fashionista’ and his dad

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Personal: Don’t forget our game tonight on Twitter. It’s between 9:30 and 11. But first, follow me here.

Have a great weekend! Take care ‘coz the care bears care. And I am corny. #teamlakers #beattheheat

COMPROMISE

CPP Turns 42
The Communist Party of the Philippines marks its 42nd year today, December 26. To celebrate its anniversary, CPP founding chair Jose Maria Sison will blow 42 candles while the CPP’s armed wing, the New People’s Army will blow up 42 cell sites.

Batch ‘71
The more prominent members of the Philippine Military Academy Batch ’71 reportedly enjoyed their Christmas shopping last week. Sen. Gringo Honasan bought jewelry for his wife; Senator Panfilo Lacson bought toys for his grandson, and ex-General Carlos Garcia bought temporary liberty for himself.

Ex-General Carlos Garcia who is facing plunder charges is out on bail! Rumors say the Sandiganbayan granted him liberty because they believed his alibi that he was in the United States when the crime took place and that he didn’t personally know Jessica Alfaro.

Cabinet Revamp
Last Friday, Presidential Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that President Benigno Aquino would revamp his Cabinet next year. Quoting the President, Carandang said three cabinet officials would be affected by the reshuffle. He did not reveal their names although one thing’s for sure, those guys have no interest whatsoever in guns or target shooting. #sorrynalang

BIR’s Wrong List
Earlier this month, the Bureau of Internal Revenue released an erroneous list of the Top Individual Taxpayers for 2009. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was quick to deny that the list was made by Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa.

Len Lopez
Last December 16 President Aquino reportedly brought along his latest date, stockbroker Maria Elena “Len” Lopez to a sit down dinner with Cabinet officials and their spouses. Two words: (click here).

Annoying
For the second straight year, “whatever” was voted the most annoying word or phrase by Americans according to The Marist Poll. Meanwhile, in the Philippines, for the third straight year, voted the most annoying was Kris Aquino.

Pacman On Top
CNN’s Sports Illustrated has chosen Manny Pacquiao and his 2010 bouts as the year’s biggest boxing story. In close second was the Balay vs. Samar fight.

Solon Loses Cool
Alliance of Volunteer Educators (AVE) party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay reportedly berated a PAL ground attendant when he and his sons could not be seated together in the business class section of a PAL flight to Los Angeles recently. When told that all seats were taken, Magsaysay allegedly told the attendant “Shut up you bitch! You menopausal bitch. Ipapasisante kita.” Apparently, this educator was a terror teacher.

An incensed AVE party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay reportedly told a ground attendant, “Shut up bitch! You menopausal bitch!” Dahil d’yaaan, may nagtxxxxxxt! “Dear Congressman, saan ka ba nagpunta? Hinahanap ka na ng iyong amo. Bumalik ka na raw sa iyong kural.”

Flight Attendants Win
Favoring the Flight Attendants’ and Stewards’ Association of the Philippines in their dispute against Philippine Airlines, the Department of Labor and Employment has increased the mandatory retirement age of all flight attendants to 60 years old. The decision was slammed by PAL… and AVE party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay.

Crotch Me if You Can
Airport authorities nabbed a 38-year-old passenger headed for Cotabato City Airport on Christmas day after a packet of suspected shabu, or methamphetamine hydrochloride, was found in his underwear. Airport cops were definite about the substance saying, “Kapag shabu kasi, ‘di ka makakatulog. ‘Yong kuwan niya gising na gising!”
———————————————-
“Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.”
~ Howard Hughes

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng errors sa new Philippine peso bills, your take:
- Importanteng maitama ang mali. Maliit man ang error, error pa rin. 49.76%
- Sus! Masyadong pinapalaki ang isyu. Lahat na lang pinansin. 40.67%
- Wala akong pakialam. 9.57%

Elsewhere
Palace releases list of holidays for 2011

CNN Sports Illustrated: Top Boxing Stories: Pacquiao is No. 1

CNN Sports Illustrated: Azkals made it on the list of the Top 10 Football Stories

Personal
The Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Miami Heat in today’s Christmas battle. Sa mga fans ni LeBron at ng Miami Heat, heto ang sa inyo: [Click here.]

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KrissyLeaks

A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.

TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.

TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
- Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
- Sumalangit nawa! 25%
- No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
- Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
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AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)

BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!

MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Perfect!

Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar”

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!

IN THE NEWS NOW…

Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the 'championship ring-less' LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he's on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
- Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
- Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
- Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

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Have a great week! Ingat.

HOT SEAT

State Visits
Reports say leaders of at least six nations invited President Aquino for a state visit soon. Hoping to persuade Aquino, the six leaders vowed to serve better tasting wine.

The Mai Mislang Case: A Postscript
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Assistant Secretary Carmen “Mai” Mislang pleaded guilty to posting insensitive tweets while in Vietnam. Less than 24 hours later, President Aquino granted her amnesty.

Senator Francis Pangilinan says embattled Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang made a mistake, has apologized, and was reprimanded. That, for him was enough. Mistake. Apology. Reprimand. End of story. It obviously worked for him and Shawie. Hopefully, it works for everybody.

Saying Asst. Secretary Mai Mislang’s apology was enough, Senator Francis Pangilinan said the public should focus on the serious problems of the country. Okay, sure. Let’s start with the Presidential Communications Group.

Top 5 Rejected Suggestions for Asst. Secretary Mai Mislang’s New Email Address (to Sign Up for a New Twitter Account)
[Note: Mislang has reportedly deactivated (or probably deleted) her Twitter account.]

No. 5: ihavelearnedmylesson@hanoi.biz

No. 4: pogi_hunting@foreigntrips.net

No. 3: statevisittovietnam@neveragain.com

No. 2: thewinestillsucked@honestlangtalagaako.ph

And the No. 1 rejected suggestion for Asst. Secretary Mai Mislang’s new email address…

sobrangmissko_na_angtwitter@taklesaunderfire.org

Bar Blast Update
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima says two more members of the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity are being hunted for their suspected involvement in the bar exams blast last September. Rumors say the two APO members will surrender… as soon as Vice President Jejomar Binay becomes available.

Most Wanted Man
The country’s most wanted man, kidnap suspect Rolando Fajardo was arrested after 10 years in hiding. With Fajardo’s arrest, the No. 1 position is now occupied by Senator Panfilo Lacson.
One of the country’s most wanted men, Rolando Fajardo believes he will get a fair and just trial under the new administration of President Aquino. If lucky, he could even get an amnesty.

SWS Survey
The good news is: 7 out of 10 are satisfied with Vice President Jojo Binay. The bad news is: Mrs. Binay is not of one of them.

Lacson’s Driver
Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson’s former bodyguard and driver, retired Senior Police Officer 4 Reynaldo Oximoso was arrested in Bagac, Bataan Monday. Oximoso is facing charges for allegedly killing a cop, as well as identity theft… after he tried to pose as Morgan Freeman.

From RP to PH
The Department of Foreign Affairs announced recently that the government has shifted from using RP as official acronym of the Philippines to PH (or PHL). But DFA officials categorically denied rumors that the country’s official motto will likewise be changed from the original “Maka-Diyos, Maka-Tao, Makakalikasan at Makabansa” to simply… “PH Cares.”

Kris’ Dream
President Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris revealed Tuesday, “I dreamt of mom. It was as if she was moving in my house. Parang nagpaparamdam si mom na parang everything is at peace na.” Yeah, it was. Until that dream.

“Imagine” Manny & Will
Manny Pacquiao guested again on the late-night talk show show Jimmy Kimmel Live where he performed a duet with comedian Will Ferrell. Pacman and Will sang the John Lennon classic “Imagine.” Watching the show online in Malacanang, an unidentified official murmured, “the duet sucks.”

TV Patrol
Former vice president Noli De Castro, former congressman Ted Failon, and former senator Mar Roxas’ wife Korina Sanchez will anchor ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol starting Monday, November 8. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the newscast will change its name to “Strictly Politics.” [Ayaw ni Pia Hontiveros ng ganyan! ]

A former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor TV Patrol starting next week. This early, Forbes Magazine is keen on naming TV Patrol Asia’s most powerful and influential news program.

Former vice president Noli De Castro will return to TV Patrol starting Monday, November 8. Rumors say Globe Asiatique is interested in placing ads in the program.

Korina Sanchez will be back on TV Patrol starting Monday, November 8. While politicians cannot return to government service within a period of one year, ABS-CBN bosses are reinstating Korina because the constitution allows the return of the wives of defeated candidates after a brief period of… embarrassment.
———————————–
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
- Sam Levenson

Survey Says
Aling trio ang gusto mong mapanood sa TV Patrol?
- Karen Davila, Julius Babao, Ted Failon 27.84%
- Noli De Castro, Ted Failon, Korina Sanchez 16.04%
- Who cares?! 56.12%

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YOU’RE SO DEAD!

MOMENTS BEFORE he died, famous French grammarian Dominique Bouhours uttered: “I am about to – or I am going to – die: either expression is correct.” On his deathbed, Voltaire was asked by a priest to renounce Satan. The philosopher replied: “This is no time for making enemies.” And convicted murderer James French shouted this to members of the press who were to witness his execution by electric chair: “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!”

In advance observance of All Saints Day, The Professional Heckler brings back ‘Famous Last Words’ – “predicted” deathbed statements of local political and entertainment figures. This is the 2010 edition of that ‘recurring’ blog article.

Their famous last words:

President Aquino: “Watch what happens… ”

President Aquino 2: ‘Walang wangwang. Walang counterflow. Walang tong. Walang… buhay.”

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno: “Unless the President asks me to die, I won’t.”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr.: “Hik!”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Ayoko na! ‘Di ko na kaya ang karamdaman kong ito. Dalhin n’yo na ako sa Tondo!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim 2: “Nagugutom ako.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “I have no idea who leaked the information on my purported death but I assure you – the Communications Group had nothing to do with it. I promise to investigate the matter when I’ve fully recovered.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “Honestly. Orderly. Peacefully.” [When asked by the press how he wanted to die]

Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco (to the press): “Who told you I am dying? I am not. Walang concrete evidence ‘yang source n’yo. You! Yes, you the reporter in blue, tell me, kung wala bang matibay na ebidensya ang source ng balita mo, irereport mo?”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Zzzzzzzz.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Ayoko na! Punong-puno na ako! Ayoko naaa!”

Former PAGASA Chief Dr. Prisco Nilo: “Ang temperatura ko ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng 30 at 37 degree Centigrade anim hanggang pitong oras matapos ‘kong pumanaw. Uulan ng luha at babaha ng kalungkutan. May manaka-nakang papuri mula sa ilang mga pulitiko. Magiging banayad naman ang reaksyon ng Pangulo. Ang araw ay sisikat sa inyo ngunit hindi na sa akin.”

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Ayoko! Hindi maaari! Set up ‘to! Set up!”

Outgoing ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs Chief, and Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Filipina Alive Maria Ressa: “I will not be renewing my contract with ‘life.’ It’s time for me to move on.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Powtang-eyna naman!^5$@& Ayaw kow pang mamatey!”

RMN’s Michael Rogas: “Ito po ang live at special exclusive coverage ng aking kamatayan. Naririnig po tayo ngayon sa mahigit isandaang himpilan ng RMN nationwide!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Ganito pala kapag huling minuto na ng buhay ng isang tao ‘no ha? Nakakatakot pala Mike! Pambihira ‘no ha!”

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment.”

And finally…
Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “RT @iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mamu, you’re creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka!” #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

In the news now:

More than 300 officers and enlisted men who took part in three failed power grabs were granted amnesty by President Aquino. When he heard the news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson started plotting a mutiny against the Aquino government.

The RH Bill Debate
The good news is: Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal has reportedly asked President Aquino to create a panel that will discuss the pros and cons of the Reproductive Health Bill. The bad news is: the panel’s recommendations will have to be reviewed by Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa.

GMA News.TV reported that the Church is eyeing Facebook as another platform against the Reproductive Health Bill. If that happens, that page will likely set the record for the most number of clicks to the “Unlike” button.

Confused Congressman
Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?”

Esquire Says…

Outgoing ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs chief Maria Ressa has been named by Esquire magazine as the Sexiest Woman Alive for Philippines. Rumors say Ressa’s enemies in ABS-CBN will file a complaint against Esquire for baseless and biased reporting.

Belo on Immigration Cards
Reports say the face of cosmetic expert Vicki Belo replaced the image of President Aquino on immigration cards. Apparently, it was an advertisement for the Belo medical clinic. But critics wanted the cards recalled saying tourists might confuse the Philippines for Madame Tussauds.

Just weeks after incurring the ire of President Aquino, the Bureau of Immigration stirred yet another controversy by printing millions of the modified arrival and departure cards, this time with the face of cosmetic expert Vicky Belo. Immigration officials defended their action saying they actually chose between two advertisers: Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising. Sige, mamili kayo!
————————–
“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

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March 3rd
On this date in…

0468: Pope Saint Simplicius succeeds Catholic Pope Hilarius. Catholics loved Simplicius but they had much more fun when Pope Outrageous replaced him.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Minutes later, the US president sends a Facebook message to the Arabian president saying, “Can I add you as a friend?”

1992: President Bush makes a public apology for raising taxes after promising not to. Again, that’s George Bush not Noynoy Aquino.

1995: Camilla Parker Bowles & her husband Andrew divorce. Camilla then patiently waits for Princess Diana’s death.

2001: Voting 13-0, the Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, NOT Joseph Estrada. They didn’t have much of a choice, did they?

2005: American Steve Stephen Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo. Today, a Filipino is attempting to duplicate that feat: flying solo, nonstop. His name? Panfilo Lacson.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, AnyDayInHistory, and Wikipedia.
———————–
Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin on Conrado De Quiros, Cory Aquino and Ferdinand Marcos. Meh ganun palang kwento. Now i know.

February 16th
On this date in…

0600: Pope Gregory the Great decrees saying “God bless You” is the correct response to a sneeze. Pharmaceutical firms oppose the decree and insist that the correct response should be “Sa panahong ito, bawal magkasakit.”

0923: Islamic historian Abu Dja’far Mohammed Djarir al-Tabari dies at 83. His family wanted to inscribe an epitaph on his tombstone or plaque but the space was just enough for his name.

1834: The inventor of the life boat, Lionel Lukin dies. He drowned.

1888: From Hong Kong, Jose Rizal writes a letter to his good friend Ferdinand Blumentritt citing the circumstances and reasons for leaving the Philippines. Rizal says he is “a victim of a conspiracy of whispers between the government and the stooge in the Department of Justice.” He insists “flight is not an indication of guilt” and vows to return to the country when a new leader is sworn in.

1945: World War II event: American forces land on Corregidor island in the Philippines. They were warmly welcomed by the residents of the island who actually prepared a “fiesta” for the visitors. Helping them out with the preparation was Kristie Kenney.

1945: Venezuela declares war on Germany… just minutes after Miss Germany won the Miss Universe title edging out first runner-up Miss Venezuela.

1959: Fidel Castro names himself Cuba’s premier after overthrowing President Fulgencio Batista. The ousted president fled Havana and pursued a career in wrestling, a legacy he would pass on to his grandchildren.

1986: The National Assembly declares Ferdinand Marcos as the winner of the February 7 snap presidential elections. Seconds after the declaration, Kris Aquino denounced the National Assembly on Twitter and said, “If it’s wrong to care about my mother and practice my constitutional right to free speech and my freedom to contest the vote, then jail me and let’s go back to the dark days of Martial Law!”

2007: Britney Spears creates a stir when she shaves her head. A few days later, the public would shift its interest to photos of Britney’s shaved vajayjay that circulated online.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, Wikipedia, PageScope Systems, and BrainyHistory.com.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

CONGRATULATIONS to the Luzon resident who became the lone winner of the 201.473 million-peso jackpot prize in last night’s Super Lotto draw. Prior to that, two other Luzon residents were also declared winners: Roberto Pagdanganan and Lilia Pineda each won a province in a special draw supervised by the Commission on Elections’ Second Division.

Former Pampanga Board Member Lilia Pineda has won her recount petition against incumbent Governor Ed Panlilio. After the promulgation, the priest-on-leave’s allies said, “Para kaming binagsakan ng langit,” while Pineda’s supporters exclaimed, “Para kaming tumama sa jueteng.”

In Bulacan…
The provincial capitol now has two governors. Isang atat at isang tuko.

Reports say Roberto Pagdanganan, who was declared winner against incumbent governor Jonjon Mendoza after the recount of votes, is temporarily holding office at the provincial museum. Mendoza accused his nemesis of being “too greedy for power and position” after Pagdanganan concurrently assumed the post of curator.

On The Campaign Trail:
The TV Ads (First of A Series)
Noon: Nanonood tayo ng sitcoms o gag shows para matuwa
Ngayon: Nag-aabang tayo ng political ads para mangutya (at matuwa)

Ang Buwaya, Bow!
TG Guingona’s TV Ad (Liberal Party)
[Right click here to watch the ad before reading further]

Inspired by this hilarious anti-corruption campaign advertisement, here’s one for you TG. You know the melody.
Nakaligo ka na nga sa dagat ng buwaya
Nagpaskong mga bwitre ang ‘yong kasa-kasama
‘Yan ang alam namin
Dahil ikaw ay congressman din.

Superman, Batman, Spiderman… tumabi kayong lahat dahil narito na si…
Justiceman!
[Right click here to watch the ad before reading further]

Apat na tanong para sa kagalang-galang na dating kalihim:
1: Bilang Justiceman, ano po ang balak n’yong isuot na costume?
Pangalawa: Katulad nina Batman at Superman, nasa labas din kaya ang iyong brief?
3: Ano po ang inyong taglay na superpowers?
At pang-apat: Lalaki po kayo pero bakit “Bebot” ang iyong nickname? Follow up question: Ano po ang tawag sa inyo ng ninong o ninang ng mga anak n’yo: “Mare?”

Lakas-Kampi-CMD’s Pride?
Who needs a mascot if you have…
Binalonan, Pangasinan Mayor Ramon Guico, senatorial candidate
[Right click here to watch the ad before reading further]

Limang tanong para sa kagalang-galang na mayor:
Una: Sino po ang nagsabing karapat-dapat kayong tumakbo dahil kailangan kayo sa Senado?
2: Naniwala naman po kayo?
Pangatlo: Sabi po sa ad n’yo, “Paid for by friends of Ramon Guico” You mean, ginastusan na pala ang naturang ad nang lagay na ‘yun?
4: Kung hindi po kayo mananalo bilang senador, gusto n’yo bang mag-showbiz?
At panlima: Paano po kayo maglilingkod sa bansa nang tapat at totoo kung ang mismong buhok po ninyo ay peke?

Madrigal’s Market Tour
TV cameras followed filthy rich senator Jamby Madrigal as she toured the metro’s markets. She never complained about the unpleasant smell but a fish vendor heard her whisper, “Mabuti pa ang market, wet.”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal toured the metro’s markets on Day 2 of her official campaign and plans to visit more this coming week. This just in! Without a party to back up her candidacy, Madrigal considers abandoning her ambition to win the presidency and shift her focus instead to becoming the new “Mr. Palengke.”

KBL’s Candidates
Kilusang Bagong Lipunan vice presidential bet, broadcaster Jay Sonza claims he is not familiar with his party’s presidential bet, Vetellano Acosta. Sonza is wondering why Acosta is running for president, why he refuses to campaign, and why his name is uniquely spelled that way.

The Fair Elections Act
Citing a provision in the Fair Elections Act, the Commission on Elections ordered “Any mass media columnist, commentator, announcer, reporter, on-air correspondent or personality endorsers” to take a leave of absence from their work during the campaign period. If strictly enforced, ABS-CBN operations will be crippled.

The Comelec ordered “Any mass media columnist, commentator, announcer, reporter, on-air correspondent or personality endorsers” to take a leave of absence from their work during the campaign period. If strictly enforced, the Inquirer will lose Conrado De Quiros and Manolo Quezon for three months.

According to the Fair Elections Act, “Any mass media columnist, commentator, announcer, reporter, on-air correspondent or personality endorsers” must take a leave of absence from their work during the campaign period. If strictly enforced, Malaya and the Daily Tribune will have to shut down operations for 90 days.

The Comelec has ordered celebrity endorsers to take a leave of absence from their work during the campaign period. If strictly enforced, TV5 would lose its only star, Dolphy – even before he could start working.

Lacson’s Case
Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s lawyer, Alex Avisado insists that the senator is not yet a fugitive from justice. He’s just a tourist.

The National Bureau of Investigation has intensified its global manhunt for Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The NBI’s intensified search has sent chills down the spine of male OFWs in Qatar.

———————–
“A great ad campaign will make a bad product fail faster. It will get more people to know it’s bad.”
~William Bernbach

Survey Says
Three months before the elections, have you decided for certain who you will vote for president?
Meron na! Sure na ako. 54%
Wala pa rin. Still thinking. 34%
Hindi ako boboto. 12%

Elsewhere
ABS-CBN Exclusive: Some groups within the Liberal Party are secretly pushing for an Aquino-Binay tandem.

Newsbreak: Guess who broke La Salle’s no-politicking rule

Have a great weekend!

THE FUGITIVE

PAGASA says summer is almost here. It’s getting hotter and hotter outside. No wonder, Sen. Panfilo Lacson refuses to come out.

Ping Lacson
Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s staunch ally, Archbishop-emeritus Oscar Cruz says  the senator’s decision to flee is “justifiable” saying “Sa tingin ko, hindi niya magagawa ang ibinibintang sa kanya.” Cruz’ statement has fueled speculations that he’s quitting the priesthood to become a lawyer.

There have been conflicting reports as to the whereabouts of fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. Some say he’s in Australia. Others insist he’s still in Hong Kong. And then, some believe he’s at the basement of Marlene Aguilar’s house.

Authorities tried to serve the warrant of arrest Saturday by visiting Lacson’s residence in Ayala, Alabang. Then, they went to the house of Lacson’s son, Panfilo ‘Pampi’ Lacson III and his wife, actress Jodi Sta. Maria in BF Homes, Parañaque City. They also visited his parents’ home but Lacson was never found. Apparently, they haven’t searched the house of Archbishop Cruz yet.

Sen. Gringo Honasan, who himself was a fugitive from the law on several occasions in the past said Senator Lacson should “master the art of disguise.” Honasan advised him to “maximize costumes” – prompting Lacson to read articles on Lady Gaga.

Reports say Senator Lacson will surface only after the May 10 polls when a new president is elected. Unless of course, it’s Manny Villar.

Top 8 Movie Remakes Starring Sen. Panfilo Lacson

No. 8: Ping Shui

No. 7: Duwag the Dog

No: 6: Look Who’s Hiding

No. 5: Chickened, Ran

No. 4: Coward’s End

No. 3: I Know What You Did Last November 2000

No. 2: Harry Dacer and the Prisoner of Alabang

And the No.1 movie remake starring Sen. Panfilo Lacson…

You’ve Got Jail

In Other News…
The Commission on Elections held mock polls Saturday. Topping the race for president was Dr. Jose Rizal… prompting the PR group of Sen. Noynoy Aquino to make changes in their campaign strategy.

In the mock polls held Saturday, Dr. Jose Rizal emerged as the top pick for president besting closest rival Emilio Aguinaldo. However, Aguinaldo refused to concede and vowed to immediately file an election protest.

In the mock polls held Saturday, Dr. Jose Rizal emerged as the top pick for president. The Liberal Party accused Rizal of being the “secret candidate” of the Spanish Governor-General.

Marcelo H. Del Pilar won the vice presidential race in the mock polls held Saturday. The next day, Korina Sanchez was on radio blaming Conrado De Quiros and Kiko Pangilinan for her husband’s loss.

Noynoy Aquino’s Camp Reacts
The Professional Heckler received an email from the head of Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s advertising campaign, Ms Yolly Ong of ad agency Campaigns and Grey as regards the recent post titled “EVEN NOW.” It was sent through Philippine Star columnist William ‘Billy’ Esposo, an online friend of The Professional Heckler. Click here for details.

Survey Says
According to the latest survey, Noynoy and Villar are statistically “tied” now – because…
Villar has more ads than Noynoy 31%
Villar’s ads are more effective than Noynoy’s 42%
I don’t care! 27%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
This is really cute. Have fun!