ANAK NG WEDDING!

30 04 2011


The Royal Wedding
Prince William and Kate Middleton wed at Westminster Abbey in London Friday. The wedding ceremony was calm, peaceful, and orderly. However, the mass was briefly interrupted when the Archbishop of Canterbury ordered RH bill supporters to leave the Church because “it’s useless”.

Britain’s Prince William and his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge ride in a landau to Buckingham Palace after the Royal Wedding in London Friday. The newlyweds were supposed to ride a Porsche but William feared that doing so would pull down his approval and trust ratings.

Friday’s event in London was dubbed as a fairytale wedding. You have a future king, a future queen, and of course, a wicked witch. I’m not saying who. By the way, did you notice Camilla Parker Bowles’ hat?

Observers say the William and Kate romance is a Cinderella story. In fact, if you were watching closely, you would have noticed the pumpkin during the wedding. Here’s the photo.


Why Her?
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married Friday in London. A few weeks earlier, William proposed to Kate live on Wowowee.

Asked why she chose Kate, Prince William – to the surprise of the international media answered in Filipino, “Siya yung nagpatigil sa pagka-binata ko.”

By the way, to those who are asking: there’s no truth to rumors that William is running in the next elections.

Exchange of Vows
Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged vows at Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Everyone who was invited showed up. Observers noticed though that William forgot to invite some of his… hair.

Prince William and Kate Middleton were declared man and wife at London’s Westminster Abbey Friday morning. Donald Trump – who failed to catch the ceremony on TV refused to believe that the wedding actually happened and demanded that the couple produce a marriage certificate.


This just in: London has reported a 40 percent increase in the sales of hats on wedding day alone.

The World Watched
Fascinated by Friday’s historic London event, Sen. Loren Legarda is reportedly looking forward to having her own Royal Wedding. After all, she’s a monarch… butterfly.

According to the international media, what took place on Friday morning at Westminster Abbey was the “Wedding of the Century.” Just wait ‘til our very own Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion walk down the aisle! It will be the “Wedding of the Century… tuna.”

In Miami, LeBron James was up early to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. But the Heat star reportedly got pissed and turned off the TV during the exchange of vows. He got jealous of Kate’s ring.

Aquino on William & Kate
Through his spokesman Edwin Lacierda, President Aquino said Prince William and Kate Middleton “must make adjustments so that their marriage foundation can be established.” To which, William and Kate replied:“Thank you Archbishop Oscar Cruz!” .

April 29, 2011 was a historic day indeed. In London, Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. In Manila, Merceditas Gutierrez and the Office of the Ombudsman got divorced.

OMG Resigns
On Friday, April 29, 2011, embattled Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez resigned. She read a prepared statement at a press conference held around 2pm. Unfortunately, she refused to answer questions from journalists, and immediately left… to attend a Royal Wedding viewing party.


Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’s resignation drew mixed reactions from former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s allies. House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman said, “One who retreats from a good fight does not deserve to be defended or supported.” Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez stated, “Her family could not endure the pressure and I agreed that resignation was her only choice.” Senator Miguel Zubiri said, “Hmpf! I wanted to wear pa naman that magenta toga. Kainezz!”

Professor Harry Roque, one of the first to call for the impeachment of Gutierrez is hoping that her replacement “will embrace the challenge for the Ombudsman to deal with human rights violations.” He then enumerated the human rights violations committed by the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas against his client, Banco Filipino.

News of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez’ resignation reached Westminster Abbey. Did you know what the wedding guests said? “Hats off!”

Birth Certificate
President Barack Obama has released his birth certificate to prove that he was born in the United States. Critics weren’t satisfied though. They want him to release an alleged psychiatric report from college to prove that he’s fit to govern.


In Washington DC, the White House has released a document that proves that President Obama was born in the United States. Meanwhile, in Manila, Malacañang will release a document that will prove that Jejomar Binay is not the president of the Philippines.

Good News
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang has “good news” on Labor Day but he won’t reveal it yet. Be patient. It would leak.


Top 5 Pieces of “Good News” to be Announced by Malacañang on Labor Day

No. 5: More court cases against former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

No. 4: President Aquino is going out with a new girl… but unlike the ladies he dated recently, this one’s into him.

No. 3: To complement the Pantawid Pasada cards for drivers, the government will distribute Pantawid Kusina cards for housewives, Pantawid Dagat for fisherfolks, Pantawid Kalsada for street children, and Pantawid Aliw for prostitutes.

No. 2: Prince William and Kate Middleton have chosen the Philippines as their honeymoon destination.

And the No. 1 piece of “good news” to be announced by Malacañang on Labor Day…

President Aquino is the son of Ninoy and he’s releasing a copy of his birth certificate to prove it.


Laperal Compound
The demolition of informal settlers at the Laperal compound in Makati City turned violent Thursday. In the morning, stubborn residents clashed with the police. In the afternoon, stubborn mayor Junjun Binay clashed with DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo.

Melendez vs. Meneses
Bulacan, Bulacan Mayor Patrick Meneses has filed a libel suit against his ex-girlfriend, actress and former Quezon City councilor Aiko Melendez for allegedly spreading rumors he’s gay. Meneses then excused himself from the press saying he needs to go home to catch the latest episode of Glee.

In support of their “maligned” colleague, local executives in Bulacan have signed a resolution declaring former Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez persona non grata in the whole province. Sought for comment, Melendez says she has yet to consult a lawyer and a dictionary.
—————————————————–
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

You Have Spoken
Ano ang pinaka-tinututukan mong local all-news channel?
-AksyonTV (TV5) 4.03%
-ANC (ABS-CBN) 33.21%
-GMA News TV (GMA 7) 34.74%
-Depende sa palabas. I switch channels. 28.02%

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Have a safe weekend! Let’s go Lakers!





THE MOST

25 03 2011

FIRST, some strange news from all over the globe:
In Venezuela, socialist President Hugo Chavez said capitalism may be to blame for the lack of life on planet Mars.
In the US, a condom machine was stolen from a Washington state sports bar.
And in the Philippines, Jejomar Binay is now the most trusted national government official.

Ulat sa Bayan
From 78 percent in October, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s approval rating climbed to 83 percent in February. Thrilled, Binay thanked his supporters, his family, and the convicted Filipino drug mules in China.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted government official. He got an impressive trust rating of 81 percent! In fact, that figure was even higher than the trust rating he got from his own wife.

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay obtained a disapproval rating of only 3 percent. You know who the 3 percent are? Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and Korina Sanchez.

Pulse Asia’s “Ulat sa Bayan” revealed that Vice President Jejomar Binay has overtaken President Aquino in performance and trust ratings. If it’s any consolation, Binay has yet to overtake the President in a car race.


Contemptible Ligots
Lieutenant General Jacinto Ligot is now under Senate custody. He is detained inside a small cell measuring three-by-four-square meters. The cell has a bed, an air conditioning system, and a comfort room. Unfazed, General Ligot described the place as cozy. Mrs. Ligot wants to buy the unit.

Snubbing Thursday’s Senate probe, Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot claimed she had gastroenteritis. In layman’s term, that’s shit.

Dissatisfied
In the latest Social Weather Stations study, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez obtained a net satisfaction rating of negative 9 percent. In the hope of getting a higher score in the next survey, Gutierrez is planning to go to China and appeal the conviction of Filipino drug mules.

Congratulations!
It’s March! For students in the senior year, it’s the time of the year when hard work is rewarded. We call it graduation! Or as businessman Manny V. Pangilinan would say, “Don’t remind me!”


Ateneo and Aquino
President Aquino was the keynote speaker at Ateneo De Manila University’s 152nd commencement exercises Friday. He began his speech with a disclaimer, “No portion of this commencement address was borrowed from J.K. Rowling, Oprah, Conan O’Brien, and Barack Obama.”

President Aquino devoted the first half of his speech acknowledging his former Ateneo professors out of gratitude… and the other half criticizing the former administration out of force of habit.


March 25th
On this day in…

1857: Frederick Laggenheim took the first photo of a solar eclipse. A day later, he appeared on TV Patrol and cried because PTV Channel 4 accused him of faking the eclipse photo.

1882: Pancake making is first demonstrated… by Nora Daza.

1951: Edward Mills Purcell and H.I. Ewen at the Harvard physics lab detected 21-cm radiation in outer space. When the news came out, the president of the Polytechnic University of the Philippines barred PUP students from going to outer space.

1991: Madonna and Michael Jackson arrived together at the Annual Academy Awards. It marked the first time that the sexy, soft-spoken, white, American pop icon was escorted to the Oscars by Madonna.

1992: Cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev returns to Earth after a 10-month stay aboard the Mir space station. It was supposed to be a 12-month stay but he got really bored when his broadband kit ran out of load and he couldn’t access Facebook and Twitter.

1994: United States troops completed their withdrawal from Somalia. They hurriedly left to look for another country to invade.
————————–
“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?””
~Will Rogers

Elsewhere
From the Philippine Daily Inquirer (March 22, 2011):
Hush-hush mishap
Here’s news that failed to make it to TV. Top Politician purportedly went on a joy ride with Fellow Politico, who moonlights as a media personality. TP wanted to show off his new toy, a sleek imported car.
While cruising on a deserted road, the vehicle turned turtle. TP and FP emerged from the mishap unscathed, except for bruised egos. Thus, the news blackout.

- Hmmm, parang kilala ko sila. Kayo? Kilala n’yo?

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong “pork barrel” ang dahilan ng pagboto ng ilang kongresista pabor sa pag-impeach kay Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
- Oo naman! Pera-pera ang iba sa mga ‘yan! 60.55%
– Hindi rin. Nasa katwiran naman eh. 31.65%
– Ewan 7.8%

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IMPEACHED!

22 03 2011


News Flash!
A magnitude 212 earthquake shook the Philippine archipelago shortly after midnight Tuesday.

The Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology said the quake’s epicenter was 17.6 km northeast of Manila, and was political in origin.

Intensity 46 was felt by the opposition bloc. Although there were no immediate reports of damage to properties, one casualty was reported. Authorities identified her as Merceditas Navarro Gutierrez, the incumbent Ombudsman of the Philippine government.

Sources say the influential religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo with the help of lawmakers loyal to the previous administration tried but failed to stop the quake from happening. The tsunami of expected support for Gutierrez fizzled out.

Aftershocks are expected to be felt in the Senate when session resumes in May. The public is advised to prepare and remain vigilant.

A similar tremor has rocked Gutierrez in 2009. However, the pro-Arroyo bloc in the Lower House was able to rescue her. She survived the quake unscathed. At press time, her camp has yet to issue a statement.
(With a report from USGS)

This just in!
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez finally broke her silence after the House of Representatives voted to impeach her. The Professional Heckler was granted an exclusive! But there’s a catch! OMG requested that she be interviewed by someone close to her. So friends, here’s the transcript of a yet to be aired one-on-one conversation between Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez and former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!

GMA: Hello Mercy!
OMG: Hello Glory! I mean, hi ma’am.

GMA: I heard sha akin ka lang nagpa-interview. Maraming shalamat sha pagtitiwalang ibinigay mo sha akin huh.
OMG: Boy Abunda ikaw ba ‘yan? Joke lang ma’am. Siyempre naman ma’am. Kayo pa!?

GMA: Bilish-bilisshan lang natin ‘noh kasshi may check up pa sa St. Luke’ssh shi Mike.
OMG: Bakit ma’am? Anong nangyari?

GMA: No worriessh. Medyo shumakit lang ang batok habang nanonood ng botohan sha Kamara kagabi. He didn’t like my fuchsia dress. He preferred the pink one.
OMG: Pakisabi ho kay Sir, pagaling siya. Sa Mayo na ‘yong trial ko. Kailangang umabot siya do’n.

GMA: Buweno, diretsho na tayo sa mga isshyu. Impeached ka na. Malapit na ang paglilitish mo sa Shenado. How do you feel right now?
OMG: You first ma’am.

GMA: Hihihi. Mapagbiro ka talaga Mershi. Sheriously, hindi ka ba kinakabahan?
OMG: Kayo ma’am, hindi ba kayo kinakabahan? Seriously?

GMA: My gosh naman, Mershi. Ikaw ang iniinterview ko remember? Anshwer my questionssh firssht okay?
OMG: Sorry ma’am. Magulo lang talaga ang isip ko ngayon.

GMA: Inupuan mo nga ba ang malalaking isshyu katulad ng ZTE-NBN deal, ang fertilizer fund ishcam at Euro generalsh scandal?
OMG: Sa tingin n’yo ma’am, may pagkukulang ba ako sa usapin ng Euro generals? May mali ba sa ZTE NBN deal? May scam ba sa fertilizer funds?

GMA: Wala!
OMG: Taaaaaamahhh!
GMA: Remember: ang NBN project, kinanshela ko ang kontrata! Ang fertilizer funds, nagamit sha bukid kahit may El Niño at La Niña, at ang Euro generalsh, kinashuhan mo naman ‘di ba? Sha madaling salita, walang problema!
OMG: ‘Yon na nga ang sinasabi ko ma’am pero ayaw nilang maniwala.

GMA: ‘Di bale, may laban tayo sha Shenado. Pitong boto lang ang kailangan mo para ‘di ka mapatalshik sa puweshto!
OMG: Pero ma’am, balita ko, anytime lilitaw si Lacson. Kalaban ‘yon!

GMA: That cowardly cop?! Shoosh naman! Believe me! We have the numbersh in the Shenate.
OMG: Pero ma’am, sabi ni Senator Enrile, they will vote according to their conscience.
GMA: You believed him? Hahaha! You actually believed Manong Johnny? Kilala ko ang kamada ng mga shenador. Maniwala ka! Mash mauuna ka pang ma-acquit kessha sa pagpayat ni Sharon Cuneta! Hahaha
OMG: Nagpapatawa naman kayo ma’am eh.


GMA: Pinapalakash ko lang ang loob mo Mershi. By the way, may issha pa tayong maaasahang kakampi sha impeachment trial mo!
OMG: Sino ma’am?
GMA: Guesssh.
OMG: Tao ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Babae?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Lalaki!
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Artistahin?
GMA: Puwede!

OMG: Chiz Escudero?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Trillanes???!!!
GMA: That traveling lawmaker while in detention?! Hindi!

OMG: Matanda na?
GMA: Hmmm, pwede!
OMG: Joker Arroyo?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Matandang-matanda?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: Bobo?
GMA: Hindi!
OMG: So, hindi si Lito Lapid? Hayyyy, wala na akong maisip. Bong Revilla???
GMA: Hindi! Category ka muna kasshi!
OMG: Okay! Hmmm… lalaki ba ‘to?
GMA: Oo sabi!
OMG: Jamby?!
GMA: Tangek! Wala nang career ‘yon!

OMG: May asawa?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Nabalitang hiwalay at na-link sa kapwa senador?
GMA: Hindi!

OMG: Angara?!
GMA: Shinabi nang hindi!

OMG: Ang hirap naman. Kakampi natin… hindi pa masyadong matanda… Alam ko na! Bakla??!
GMA: Hindeeeee!

OMG: Oh my gosh. Hindi si Migs. Eh sino? Wala nang iba ah?
GMA: Bilisan mo naman. Two minutes lang.

OMG: Okay… parang 60 pataas ang hitsura?
GMA: Oo!

OMG: Gets ko na! Kiko Pangilinan!
GMA: Hindiiiii!

OMG: Aha! Abogado!
GMA: Oo! Oo! Oo!

OMG: TG Guingona!
GMA: Ano ka ba!! Paanong magiging si TG Guingona eh labas-masok ng palasyo ‘yon at sinisiraan ka!

OMG: Wala na akong maisip eh. Ang hirap! Sirit na ako ma’am!
GMA: Hayyy naku! Ang dali-dali! Anjan lang sha lagi! Kakampi natin! Lalaki! Matalino! 60-ish ang edad! Abogado! Hindi mo man lang naisip si Chief Justice Renato Corona??? Kainish ka!
OMG: Ayyyy, ang daya naman. Hindi naman senador ‘yon!
GMA: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong senador? Basta! Puwede kang humingi ng advice do’n! Mahusay ‘yon! Kahit ‘di nagbabasa ng kumpletong dokumento, nakakagawa ng desisyon ‘yon!
OMG: I’ll take note of that ma’am.

GMA: O, pa’no… kailangan ko nang umalish.
OMG: Thank you ma’am. Nag-enjoy ako. Kahit papa’no, nalimutan ko ang aking problema.
GMA: Bashta sha trial, walang laglagan huh. You know where to call me. And Mike.
OMG: Maaasahan n’yo ma’am.

GMA: By the way, were you awake lasht night? Did you see Mikey when he defended you on the floor?
OMG: Yes ma’am. Pero bakit gano’n? Napunta sa OFWs, at sa presyo ng langis at basic commodities ang speech n’ya?
GMA: My gosh Mershi!? Problemado ka nga. You can’t even identify brilliance can you? Mikey showcased brilliance! Patunay lamang na malawak ang alam niya sa nangyayari sa lipunan! So proud of him.
OMG: ‘K.

GMA: Unssholishited advice lang Mershi. ‘Wag masyadong mag-rely sa Igleshia huh. Hindi ito elekshyon. Walang bloc voting ngayon.
OMG: Sige ma’am.

GMA: Wait! Curioush lang ako. Kung niligawan ka ba ni Rudy Fariñas noong nassha Ateneo pa kayo, may chance na maging kayo?
OMG: Eeeew. Si ma’am naman.
GMA: Kung maka-eeew naman ‘to! Choosy??
OMG: Nanonood kasi ang asawa ko ma’am. Ayun o.
GMA: Ay! ‘Di ko nakita. I am shorry.
[End of transcript]


OMG Impeached
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez has been impeached by the House of Representatives. Relatives have prevented her from visiting deceased loved ones in the cemetery.

The House of Representatives has voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. This by far is the biggest accomplishment of Malacañang.

According to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, senators sitting as judge in the impeachment court will vote “according to their conscience,” to which ‘conscience’ said, “Hay salamat, for the first time, magagamit rin kami.”

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez will be tried in the Senate probably in May. Asked about his expectations on the impeachment trial, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Depende. Depende sa laman ng second envelope.”

The Arroyos
During the counting of votes at the House of Representatives Tuesday night, former President and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was caught by TV cameras talking on the phone. Unconfirmed reports say, she was overheard saying, “’Yong dagdag! ‘Yong dagdag sa NO votes, ‘asan na?!”


Defending his NO vote, party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo spoke on the floor and called on President Noynoy Aquino to assist beleaguered OFWs, and lower the prices of basic commodities. Watching at home, Merci Gutierrez was like, “And you expect me to thank you with that defense?”

Pacman Votes
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao who is training in Baguio City voted “No” via Twitter… mainly because he thought the question was, “Can you spell ‘impeachment?’”

Cong. Manny Pacquiao was apparently watching TV when the House of Representatives voted to impeach Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. On his Twitter account, Pacquiao voted “No.” Knowing him though, he’ll throw his support behind the ‘Yes’ voters soon.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao voted “No” via Twitter. Meanwhile, Richard Gomez voted ‘Yes’ via Lucy Torres.

In Other News…

The Court of Appeals has clarified that its earlier decision nullifying the warrant of arrest against fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson is executory. Sought for reaction, an overjoyed Lacson says he can’t wait to come home, go to his office, and convict Merci Gutierrez.

According to lawyer Alex Avisado, Senator Lacson is expected to surface very soon. In hiding for more than a year now, Lacson wants to sponsor some bills, reach out to his constituents, and save the marriage of Pampi and Jodi.

Mrs. Ligot, Again!
On Monday, the Senate Blue Ribbon committee resumed its hearing on the alleged corruption in the AFP. The probe began with the singing of the Philippine National Anthem. It was followed by an Invocation… of the right against self-incrimination.


Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot, admitted that she was on Valium during Monday’s Senate hearing. The first question asked her was, “Do you also produce concerts?”

Trustworthy
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 3 of 4 Filipinos trusted President Noynoy Aquino. To give you an idea, imagine JC Buendia, Paul Cabral, and Randy Ortiz. That’s three. Now, think of Liz Uy.
——————————————–
“Impeachment is not a remedy for private wrongs; it’s a method of removing someone whose continued presence in office would cause grave danger to the nation.”
~Charles Ruff

Survey Says
Ginagapang daw ng Iglesia ni Cristo ang impeachment case vs. Ombudsman Merci Gutierrez. Magtagumpay kaya ang INC at mabasura ang kaso?
-Oh no! Baka MANALO si Merci! 22.34%
– Hindi rin! Sus! 43.26%
– Let’s see. 34.4%

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EXECUTIONS

20 03 2011


Mum on Execution
President Aquino refuses to comment on China’s decision to proceed with the execution of three Filipino drug convicts. The President is dismayed but he opts to keep quiet so as not to offend Beijing, its people, and Jejomar Binay.

China has decided to proceed with the execution of three convicted Filipino drug mules. President Aquino now considers sending Mar Roxas to Beijing.

OMG Impeachment
House justice committee chairman Niel Tupas says the Iglesia ni Cristo is supporting Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG). Alarmed, President Aquino is sending Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris to the INC headquarters.

Liberal Party secretary-general and Cavite Rep. Joseph Emilio Abaya has allegedly sent a text message warning fellow solons of “zero pork” if they wouldn’t vote for the impeachment of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Confused congressmen have less than 48 hours to decide between Iglesia and delihensya.


Overseas…
Libya is in chaos. People are angry, depressed, and losing hope. Wait a minute. That’s not in Libya. That’s outside Banco Filipino branches!

Jobless
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. says the government should brace itself for the rise in the number of unemployed Filipinos. In issuing the warning, Villar cited the developments in Japan, the Middle East, and Banco Filipino.


Radiation
Reports say Japan has detected abnormal levels of radiation in spinach near a stricken nuclear plant. The news has prompted Popeye to declare a truce with Bluto.

Hubert vs. Jessica
Hubert Webb has filed a civil suit against Jessica Alfaro for “giving false testimony.” He’s also filing a suit against Dante Jimenez for “giving Lauro Vizconde false hopes.”


Manila’s Finest?
Five members of the Manila Police District have been detained for allegedly pocketing 12 million pesos in ransom money intended for the release of a kidnapped Malaysian trader. The victim is still in shock. It was his first time to get kidnapped by two separate groups in 24 hours.

Before the accused cops surrendered, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim issued a shoot-to-kill order against them. Lest you forget, Lim has jurisdiction over the Wild, Wild Western Police District.


March 20th…
On this day in:

1868: The Jesse James Gang robs a bank in Russelville, Kentucky. They left with absolutely nothing because the bank they robbed was a branch of Banco Filipino.

1916: Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity. Oprah refuses to endorse it on her ‘Oprah Book Club’ because she couldn’t understand anything.

1942: In Australia, General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech in which he says: “I came out of Bataan and I shall return” – to the delight of Filipinos, and his two mistresses in the Philippines.

1956: Tunisia gains independence from France. Fifty-five years later, it would gain independence from its own president.

1990: Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering – a publicity stunt for her forthcoming return to the Philippines.

1996: The United Kingdom announces that humans can catch “mad cow disease” – otherwise known as pre-menstrual syndrome.

March 21st…
On this day in:

1843: Baptist preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts the world will end today. Tanga! Next year pa!

1970: The first Earth Day proclamation is issued. It didn’t help.

1980: On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas, the infamous character J.R. Ewing is shot by an unseen assailant, leading to the catchphrase “Who shot J.R.?” Ferdinand Marcos insists, “Rolando Galman.”

1985: Larry Flynt offers to sell his pornography empire for $26 million. Vicki Belo attempts but fails to buy it for Hayden Kho Jr.

1997: Inside a coffee shop at Tel Aviv, Israel, a suicide bomber kills 3 and injures 49. The barista survives and is now the manager of Starbucks Jerusalem.
——————————–
“I hate banks. They do nothing positive for anybody except take care of themselves. They’re first in with their fees and first out when there’s trouble.”
~Earl Warren

So True!
“Here, there’s no laws—only red light and green light. The jeepneys don’t respect anything.”
~American cager Marcus Douthit who was recently declared a “naturalized Filipino”

Survey Says
Sa pahayag ng Phivolcs na ripe sa paggalaw ang Marikina Valley Fault Line, ang una mong reaksyon:
-Deadma! Handa ako. 11.83%
-Nakakatakot naman. ‘Wag nga kayong ganyan. 26.33%
-Pray na lang tayo. 61.83%

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DOWN

14 03 2011


The Climb
After the elevator he took going down stalled underground, President Aquino, on Ash Wednesday had to climb the equivalent of 24 floors to reach the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the third floor, he fell on his knees but was able to recover, and continued walking. But members of his official party, and Singaporean officials got the shock of their lives when, upon reaching the sixth floor, he fell for the second time and then “Veronica” appeared and wiped his face.

During a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore, President Aquino and his party were trapped underground and had to climb 24 floors to the surface after the elevator broke down. The president of Singapore has instructed his defeated vice presidential running mate to visit the Philippines and apologize for what happened.

The elevator servicing a water facility plant in Singapore broke down forcing President Aquino to climb 24 stories… or as Filipino consumers would call it, “floor hike.”

President Aquino climbed the equivalent of 24 stories during a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the top, he placed a Philippine flag and scribbled a note on the floor: ” Noynoy was here.”

Reports say President Aquino “coughed along the way” while taking the underground stairs to the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore last week. When he reached the top, Singaporeans applauded him and then, to his surprise, asked: “Dahon or The One?”


Orchid Noy
Last Friday, Singapore named an orchid after President Noynoy Aquino. The orchid has golden yellow petals, and flowering is accelerated by exposure to cigarette smoke.

Singapore’s National Parks Board named an orchid after President Aquino… surprising the Philippine leader who actually expected the board to name a variety of tobacco after him.


Japan Disaster
Nations around the world have been rushing to Japan’s aid after Friday’s devastating earthquake and tsunami. Britain is sending rescue units. China is sending search equipment. The Philippines is sending Joey Salceda.

The bad news: Japan is still trying to avert a meltdown at three earthquake-crippled nuclear reactors. The good news: it is easier to thwart than Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.

Japan is reeling from a disaster of historic proportions. In the Philippines, we have a term for that. Ombudsman.

“Battered”
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG) claims she’s a “battered woman” being harassed by vindictive congressmen. If it’s any consolation, she’s the only ‘battered woman’ in this country who can call for a press conference anytime she wants.

Roxas and Taiwan
President Aquino’s troubleshooter, former senator Mar Roxas will reportedly meet again with Taiwanese officials in Taipei… or as Roxas himself would call it, “dieting.”


March 14…
On this day in…

1879: Albert Einstein is born. The bouncing baby boy weighs 6.5 lbs. And that’s just his brain.

1906: The island of Ustica is devastated by an earthquake. Nations around the globe tried but failed to send help… because they didn’t know where Ustica was located.

1923: Warren Harding becomes the first U.S. president to file an income tax report… a day after Commissioner Kim Henares ordered the strict implementation of the government’s Run After Tax Evaders campaign.

1932: George Eastman, founder of the Kodak Company and inventor of the Kodak camera commits suicide. He and his girlfriend didn’t “click” so he “shot” himself.

1939: The Republic of Czechoslovakia is dissolved… mainly because nobody could spell its name correctly.

1943: Franklin Delano Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane while in office. The airplane crashes because the office is way too heavy.

1947: Moscow announces that 890,532 German POWs are held in the U.S.S.R. German POWs were the first batch of jejemons in the world.

1947: Ambassador Paul V. McNutt and President Manuel A. Roxas sign the Military Bases Agreement at Malacañang Palace. The agreement grants 22 military, naval, and air bases in the Philippines to the United States. In return, the Americans vowed to help develop the country’s red light districts.

1968: After only two seasons on television, ABC aired the finalé of “Batman.” The last episode showed Batman and Robin living happily ever after.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Any-Day-In-History, and Today in Science History.

Almost Arson
Karaoke singer-turned-comedienne-turned-TV host-turned sex video star-turned reality show contestant Ethel Booba tried to burn down her rented condo unit in Quezon City when she discovered that her boyfriend was gay. The CBCP described Ethel’s meltdown as “understandable.”


Pampi and Jodi

Actress Jodi Sta.Maria and husband, Pampi Lacson (son of Sen. Panfilo Lacson) have reportedly called it quits. Their six-year-old son Thirdy laments, “I rarely see my dad.” To which, Pampi said, “So do I.”
————————————————–
“People are resilient. After all, every person born has recovered from nine months on life support.”
~Robert Brault,

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, ano ang magiging hatol ng Senado sakaling humantong sa paglilitis ang impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez?
– Acquitted! Marami siyang kaalyado eh! 22.98%
- Convicted! Period. 42.24%
– Puwede bang maghintay? Huwag nga kayong atat! 34.78%

Have a great week. Always bring a whistle with you. Ingat!

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I also have a Twitter account. #justsaying





STORMS

15 07 2010


HOURS AFTER a storm hit Metro Manila, President Noynoy Aquino stormed PAGASA.

President Aquino berated PAGASA officials Wednesday morning for their failure to accurately predict that typhoon “Basyang” would hit Metro Manila Tuesday night. Mr. Aquino was further incensed when one of the forecasters replied, “Sorry po Pangulong Arroyo.”

An upset President Aquino berated PAGASA officials early Wednesday morning. PAGASA administrator Prisco Nilo admitted, “’Yun ang ‘di namin na-predict!”


After getting dressed down by President Aquino, officials of the weather bureau promised to be more accurate in predicting the weather. PAGASA is now talking to the German government for the possible importation of 12 Doppler radars and Paul the Octopus.

Here’s a fact: The night typhoon “Basyang” inched toward Metro Manila, President Aquino was partying with the Malacañang Press Corps. The weather was actually fine when the dinner started… until Aquino sang two songs.

In Other News
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez says she wants to personally speak to President Aquino to enumerate her accomplishments… to which Aquino said, “Nang-iinsulto ba siya?”

Binay’s New Post
After repeatedly saying he would no longer accept any government posts, Vice President Jejomar Binay has finally agreed to become the new “housing czar” – to which former Vice President Noli De Castro said, “Bakit ka magpapakipot pa, kung puwede namang magkapuwesto na?”


TYPHOONS
(To officially welcome the rainy season, I am reposting this article originally published in October 2009 two weeks after the onslaught of typhoon “Ondoy” and a month before the deadline for the filing of the COC for president. Enjoy!)

ATY_erap Typhoon Erap
Devastates the country for two hours and then leaves. Despite the entry of a new disturbance though, it threatens to re-enter the Philippine area of responsibility.

ATY_gma Typhoon Gloria
Continues to pummel the entire Philippines for nine hours now. Gustiness rivals that of Typhoon Marcos in the ‘70s. Initial damage to agriculture is estimated at P728 million. Damage to infrastructure is unknown but initial reports say reconstruction of Macapagal Boulevard alone has cost the government P536 million. It was also able to sustain its strength after interacting with Typhoon Erap. It is forecast to remain almost stationary.

TY_MAR Typhoon Mar
Threatened to enter Philippine territory but after seeing the vigilance of Filipinos, it was forced to back out and gave way to Typhoon Noynoy.

ATY_noy Typhoon Noynoy
Initially categorized as a tropical storm until weather specialists observed a sudden rise in its gustiness and wind speed. After being officially declared a typhoon, it now brings scattered rain showers in Luzon including Metro Manila. Moderate to strong winds are expected to blow toward the Visayas and Mindanao in the coming days. [By the way, beware of typhoon Noynoy's thunder - it wouldn't shut up!]

ATY_villar Typhoon Villar
Earlier forecast categorized it as a “super typhoon” maintaining strength in Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao. Roads and road extensions were damaged – twice (double devastation). But the entry of Typhoon Noynoy in Philippine territory has eclipsed its impact. The rest of the country will remain cloudy though.

ATY_bro Typhoon (Brother) Eddie:
A similarly-named typhoon entered the country in 2004 and threatened to pour 5 million centimeters of rainwater in the entire country. You know what happened. The typhoon was re-categorized as a drizzle.

ATY_bayani Typhoon Bayani
This weather disturbance was located at 14° 38′ 24″ North Northwest of Marikina City. Weather experts refused to categorize it as a typhoon because its impact is localized. It did, however attempt to pack maximum sustained winds similar to a tropical storm. But latest satellite data revealed no sign of activity.

ATY_vgibo Typhoon Gibo
It was nowhere near the Philippine area of responsibility until three hours before PAGASA made its latest forecast. In fact, typhoon Bayani’s moderate winds were already blowing east of the metro before Gibo made its presence felt and officially entered Philippine territory. The weather bureau forecasts similarities in the movements of typhoon Gibo and typhoon Gloria although both Gibo and typhoon Noynoy originated approximately 10 miles east of Central Luzon.

aty_binay Typhoon Jejomar
Described by weather specialists as “stubborn” and territorial,” this typhoon has recently threatened the whole country if not for some climatological developments. What’s alarming is that people to tend to ignore Typhoon Jejomar’s ability to destroy. It has remained stationary for 23 years (and counting).

Typhoon JDV
No heavy rains. No lightning. No flooding. It’s all thunder and wind.

ATY_chix Typhoon Loren & Typhoon Chiz
For the first time in local weather history, two typhoons entered the country at the same time making landfall on the same area. The impact is moderate though, without much damage, and both typhoons are expected to leave soon… unless either of them interact with typhoon Erap.

ATY_jamb Typhoon Jamby
The hardest to predict among the weather disturbances. Scattered raindrops will not completely wet an exposed surface regardless of duration. But the public is advised to remain cautious of lightning. Despite the rains, temperatures will remain high.

ATY_puno Typhoon Ronnie (Puno)
No satellite or surface data was made available because… “Tahimik lamang magtrabaho ang Typhoon Ronnie kaya maraming nagagawa (na damage).”
———————-
“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship.”
~Aeschylus

Survey Says
On Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez:
– IMPEACH HER! Now na! 64%
– LEAVE her alone. Let her do her job. 25%
– Sorry… ‘di ko alam ang issue. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
– Philippine Star’s William Esposo: Why the (Extreme) Left remains politically insignificant

- Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros endorses the legalization of ‘jueteng’

- Congratulations to Coach Phil Jackson of the Los Angeles Lakers who took home the Best Coach trophy, and Kobe Bryant who was named Best NBA Player in the 2010 ESPY Awards. Btw, Yahoo!Sports reported, “LeBron James was booed when a montage of male athlete nominees was shown.” Ouch!

Enjoy your weekend!





FASHION VICTIM

26 03 2009

boyet_f The Boyet Fajardo Story
By now, you must be all familiar with Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo. But in case you’re not… let me tell you who he is. Boyet Fajardo is the week’s second most unpopular newsmaker – next only to Manny Pacquiao.

The Boyet Fajardo Story II
Boyet Fajardo, the fashion designer who humiliated two Duty Free employees by shouting invectives & expletives at them has apologized. But Fajardo insisted – hurling invectives and expletives at the employees was actually an idea of ABS-CBN lawyers.

Did you hear the news? Boyet Fajardo has apologized to the employees of Duty Free Philippines. GMA 7 is now offering him a TV show.

boyet_f2 The Boyet Fajardo Story III
Controversial fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry, he replied, “Heller! Pasalamat nga kayo at nag-apologize pa ako! Si Jalosjos nga, 13 years na ‘di pa nag-so-sorry ‘noh!”

Embattled fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized for humiliating Duty Free Philippines employees last March 13. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry when he could have done it after two or three days, Fajardo replied, “Two days??? Who do you think I am? Pacquiao?!?”

The Boyet Fajardo Story IV boyet_f5
The employees union of Duty Free Philippines has filed a complaint before the Commission on Human Rights against designer Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo for his outburst inside the store’s outlet in Parañaque City last March 13. Trembling with fear and thinking of the worst scenario, Fajardo has started conceptualizing clothes designs – for inmates.

The Boyet Fajardo Story V
Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo, who humiliated two Duty Free employees has issued a public apology. But his lawyer insisted that the incident was just a “product of creative outburst.” Therefore I conclude, the lawyer is more gay than the client.

boyet_f3 The Boyet Fajardo Story VI
Did you know that Boyet Fajardo’s’ “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for nearly four hours? To give you an idea how long the “outburst” was, before Fajardo could even finish his “scene,” Manny Pacquiao has already signed three different contracts with two different networks!

Boyet Fajardo’s “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for several hours. To give you an idea how unusually long it was, “Nicole” was still a Filipina “rape victim” when it started. By the time Fajardo was done, “Nicole” was already an American bride.

The Boyet Fajardo Story VII
Duty Free Philippines rejected the apology of Boyet Fajardo. Embarrassed, the fashion designer will just apologize to Solar Sports and GMA 7.

This just in! The Professional Heckler has just received a call from Boyet Fajardo. The infamous fashion designer clarified that he was not a product of Ateneo. He’s actually a graduate of UST.

Kata-Quote!
“Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! At itong put*ng-inang babaeng ito at ang baklang ito ay mga walang kuwentang tao! I want them fired!”
~ Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo’s reaction when, – after presenting an unsigned credit card at the cashier – two Duty Free employees asked for another ID

ganewses In Other News…
President Arroyo said that 41,000 people in the Philippines have lost their jobs due to the global recession. The economy is so bad Boyet Fajardo’s boutiques have zero customers for three days now.

parad Searching for Parad
Aldaber Parad is reportedly wounded. You don’t know Aldaber Parad? Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo siya kilala? Si Aldaber Parad ang bagong lider ng Abu Sayyaf! At ‘yang mga put*ng inang supporters ng Abu Sayyaf at ng mga teroristang bumihag sa Red Cross volunteers ay mga walang kwentang tao! I want them fired (at)!

reccross Abu Sayyaf abductors of three International Committee of the Red Cross members gave authorities until Saturday, March 28, to order the pullout of all government forces in Sulu. Otherwise, they’ll either behead one of the hostages or worse, they’ll be compelled to make “sumbong” to Dick Gordon.

Abu Sayyaf leader Aldaber Parad appealed to fellow Muslims not to condemn their decision to kidnap three Red Cross volunteers. Parad explained that the incident was just a product of their “terroristic outburst.”

WB Road Projects Mess
The Office of the Ombudsman recommended the filing of charges against 17 past and present DPWH officials in connection with the World Bank-funded projects mess. The First Gentleman was not included in the rap sheet but the Ombudsman insisted that some members of the investigating body wanted to actually charge him. Asked how many members went against the First Gentleman, the Ombudsman answered, “Five percent.”

Another Recognition for Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been voted fighter of the year by the Boxing Writers Association of America. The group recognized Pacquiao for successfully fighting Solar Sports and GMA 7 resulting in his winning a contract with ABS-CBN, and then successfully fighting against ABS-CBN and winning back Solar Sports and GMA 7.

__________
“Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey.”
~ Anna Julia Cooper





THE NEXT EPISODE

7 03 2009

ABS-CBN’s Statement
Finally, ABS-CBN has issued a statement on the “Maalaala Mo Kaya” controversy and personally, I appreciate the network’s admission of its mistake. Part of the statement reads:

“Be that as it may, and after careful deliberation, MMK realizes that its writing and research pool may have been remiss in one thing—verifying with UPLB the veracity of the indicated facts of the letter sender. Having said that, MMK sincerely apologizes for the oversight.”

Amen!

This incident should serve as a lesson to its researchers and writers. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, nananahimik lamang. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, umiiyak o tumatawa lamang sa mga ginagawa n’yong kuwento sa inyong palabas. Maraming tagapanood: NAG-IISIP.

Top 5 Proposed Plots for the Next Episode of ABS-CBN’s “Maalaala Mo Kaya” (With Episode Title Suggestions)

No. 5:
Title: “Gamot”
Synopsis: Three summa cum laude graduates who belong to affluent families from Ayala Alabang Village couldn’t get a job. So they resorted to peddling drugs to equally wealthy patrons. But they got caught and jailed. Not used to staying in adverse environments like claustrophobic and dilapidated detention cells, they lost their minds. Authorities subsequently released them. However, the traumatic experience was too much for the rich kids, they never regained their sanity and became a trio of “grasa boys.”

No. 4:
Title: “Batchmates”
Synopsis: Two summa cum laude graduates from the Ateneo de Manila University were appointed to sensitive government posts. They were batchmates and friends from way back. They defended each other in legal battles. They were really that close. When male summa cum laude almost died after a heart surgery, female summa cum laude got so depressed. She eventually lost her mind and became a “babaeng grasa.” Male summa cum laude recovered. But when he discovered what happened to female summa cum laude, he himself sank into depression, lost his mind and became a “taong grasa.”

No. 3:
Title: “Abono”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Ateneo De Manila University robbed a government-owned bank and stashed away some 728 million pesos. He divided the loot among his friends – fellow thieves – who were running for elective posts that year. Hunted by authorities, he fled the country and worked in a fertilizer factory in Russia. Latest reports say his daily exposure to chemicals affected his health, specifically his brain. He eventually lost his mind and became a “lalaking grasa.”

No. 2:
Title: “Cellphone”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Assumption College became the country’s second highest-ranking government official. One day, she received a “magical cellphone” from the devil. The devil said she could use the cellphone to call anyone she wanted in order to win a hotly-contested presidential election. It turned out to be true! When the high-ranking female government official phoned an election official, her lead automatically ballooned to one million votes. She won the elections. However, the excitement brought about by the victory proved to be detrimental to her mental health. She eventually lost her sanity and became a “babaeng grasa.”

And the No. 1 proposed plot for the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya”…

Title: “Rehas”
Synopsis: Ten convicts in the assassination of a former senator were granted executive clemency. The murdered senator’s high-profile daughter was deeply shocked by the decision of the president whom she supported during the elections. When she learned about the decision, she went into hysterics on national TV, convulsed live in front of the cameras, lost her sanity (which has always been unstable to begin with), and never recovered. She eventually became a “babaeng grasa.” By the way, that high-profile daughter? She was a summa cum laude graduate of the Ateneo De Manila University.

In Other News…

mancao Mancao To Tell All?
Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao of the now defunct Presidential Anti-Organized Task Force (which was used to be headed by Panfilo Lacson) is reportedly coming home to reveal everything he knows about the Dacer-Corbito double murder case. Some people are worried though because Mancao is telling his story via ABS-CBN’s “Maalala Mo Kaya.”

Legacy Group
After testifying against Celso De Los Angeles, two former employees of the Legacy Group were not able to sleep for two nights. Yup, two nights. But that’s nothing compared to Panfilo Lacson who hasn’t slept for a week.

Jude’s Wife
According to tabloids, former presidential son Jude Estrada’s wife Rowena is pregnant. The Catholic Church is checking on the possibility that this could be the second case… only the second case of Immaculate Conception in the history of Christianity.

Eraserheads Concert
A few days before the first Eraserheads reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s mother died. A day before the second reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s good friend Francis died. Utang na loob, no more third reunion concert please!

francis Did She Really Say That?
“Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano’ng itetext n’yo?”
~ Saksi anchor Vicky Morales to Joey De Leon at the wake of Francis Magalona
(Heckler says: Ang dapat na tanong Vicky, ‘Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano po ang gagawin n’yo kapag bigla ‘siyang nag-reply?’)

Have a great weekend!

_________
“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.”
~Zora Neale Hurston





GIRL POWER

27 08 2008


Forbes’ Most Powerful Women
According to the newly-released ranking of Forbes Magazine, President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. Mrs. Arroyo was cited for having survived three impeachment attempts, three coup plots, and three bouts with upset stomach and diarrhea.

President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. That’s 10 places higher than her previous position. The ranking was based on press mentions, economic growth, wealth, and in Mrs. Arroyo’s case, the ability to create a new nation within a nation.

President Arroyo is one of the most powerful women in the world today… to which the First Gentleman said, “Of course I know. ‘Coz she’s always on top!”

Tax Evader?
The Supreme Court junked actress Judy Ann Santos’ motion to review the tax evasion case filed against her by the Bureau of Internal Revenue in 2005. Sought for a reaction, Juday told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ipapasa-Diyos ko na lang ito,” to which the Lord said, “Ipapasa na naman? Ano ka Meralco?”

Anti-Corruption Center
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez says the first ever institution in Asia that will focus on the study of corruption will be built here in the Philippines… mainly because we can supply the most number of experts on the subject.

Meralco Refund
The Manila Electric Company will start giving meter deposit refund plus interest to an estimated 1.8 million Meralco residential customers in November. To complement Meralco’s pa-pogi and pa-underdog campaign, Judy Ann Santos will be asked to shoot another infomercial… in jail.








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