AYON SA MGA BITUIN IV

2 05 2010


MAY NAGBABADYANG GULO sa paligid batay sa alignment at galaw ng mga planeta habang papalapit ang eleksyon.

Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, posibleng mahulog ka sa dagat ng basura at ikalunod mo ito. Sumaklolo man ang iyong ina ay maaaring huli na ang lahat dahil wala na siyang kakayanang lumangoy dala ng katandaan.

Kung hindi mo naman kakayanin ang bigat ng ilang problema, malaki ang posibilidad na ma-depress ka at maapektuhan ang iyong pag-iisip. Pinapayuhang sumangguni sa psychiatrist o kaya ay sa pari.

‘Yan ay dalawa lamang sa pangkalahatang basa ng mga bituin sa mga kaganapan ngayong panahon ng eleksyon. Narito naman ang espesyal na prediksyon at kapalaran para sa inyong mga paboritong kandidato.

Sinu-sino ang papalarin? Sinu-sino ang mamalasin?

Babala.
Pangitain.
AYON SA MGA BITUIN.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Bago nila ibahagi ang kanilang mga prediksyon, nais munang iparating ng mga bituin ang kanilang pakikiramay sa mga naulila ng isa nilang sugo dito sa lupa – si Jojo Acuin, ang tinaguriang Nostradamus ng Asya. Apparently, hindi nahulaan ni Mr. Acuin ang kanyang pagpanaw noong Huwebes, April 29.

NOPE! Hindi po ito si Jojo Acuin. Ito ay si dating Budget and Management Secretary Benjamin Diokno. Magkahawig lang talaga sila. Kung bakit narito ang kanyang larawan, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko nahulaan. At hindi maipaliwanag ng siyensya. Hayaan na lang natin, at laging tandaan…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” – Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva

Maria Ana Consuelo ‘Jamby’ Madrigal-Valade
Independent
Born: April 26, 1958
Sign: Taurus
Just when the stars thought na tapos na ang mga ‘eksena’ mo ngayong 2010, nagpasya kang mag-hunger strike hanggang Mayo a-diyes. In fairness to you, hindi halatang nabawasan ang timbang mo. Maybe it’s your bone structure. Or maybe, binobola mo lang kami at kumakain ka naman talaga kapag walang nakatingin. Tandaan ang sabi ni Confucius! God knows Hudas not eat! But just the same, saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong paninindigan. ‘Yan ang sagisag ng tunay na lalaki… este, tunay na ma-prinsipyong tao. Hindi ka man manalo sa pagka-presidente, panalo ka naman sa dami ng naipamudmod na bracelets. Congratulations!

Nicanor ‘Nick’ Perlas
Independent
Born: January 10, 1950
Sign: Capricorn
Ang isang environmental advocate na katulad mo ay tunay na kahanga-hanga. Hindi ka man palarin, magiging super busy ka pa rin pagkatapos ng May 10. Ikaw ang hihirangin ng susunod na pangulo upang mamuno sa paglilinis ng mga nagkalat na campaign posters at iba pang campaign paraphernalia sa buong Pilipinas.

Kung interesado kang maging DENR secretary sa susunod na administrasyon, ngayon pa lang ay maghanap ka na ng malakas na backer. Try mo si Kris.

John Carlos ‘JC’ De Los Reyes
Ang Kapatiran Party
Born: February 14, 1970
Sign: Aquarius
Aha! Ikaw pala ang choice ng Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines sa pagka-pangulo! Well, well, well… the stars are not surprised at all. Ayaw mo sa condom, ayaw mo sa pre-marital sex, ayaw mo sa population control, ayaw mo sa Reproductive Health Bill, ayaw mo sa lahat ng ayaw ng mga obispo. Perfect! Dahil d’yan, malaki nga ang tsansa mong maging presidente – presidente ng CBCP!

Bro. Eduardo ‘Eddie’ Villanueva
Bangon Pilipinas Movement
October 6, 1946
Sign: Libra
Ngayong darating na eleksyon, ipaparamdam ng milyun-milyon mong tagasunod ang suporta nila sa ‘yo. Maghapon at magdamag silang magdarasal para sa tagumpay mo. At ‘yan ang iyong ikakatalo! Malilimutan nilang bumoto! Good Lord!

Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar Jr.
Nacionalista Party
Born: December 13, 1949
Sign: Sagittarius
Mali ang taktika mong maglabas ng mga pekeng psychiatric reports na nagpapakitang mahina ang utak ng ‘yong pinakamahigpit na kalaban. Rule No. 1: Do not capitalize on the obvious.

Huwag ituloy ang planong airing ng TV ad kung saan makikitang nagtatampisaw ka sa dagat ng dumi ng tao kasama ang iyong mga kapatid. Lalong mahahalatang desperado na ang iyong PR group.

Mahirap mang gawin ngunit isang paraan lang ang nakikita ng mga bituin upang mapigilan ang patuloy na pagbulusok ng iyong survey rating: Bumili ng air time sa “The Buzz” para sa live interview ni Kris kay Nanay Curing!

Joseph ‘Erap’ Estrada
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Born: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
May simpleng katanungan sa ‘yo ang mga bituin. Paano mo pag-iisahin ang watak-watak na sambayanan kung mismong sina JV at Jinggoy… tuloy ang plastikan?

Isang silahis na political adviser mo ang magsasabing magwawagi kang muli sa darating na halalan. Huwag maniwala! Ini-etchos ka lang niya. [Ang initials ng etchoserang adviser mong ito ay E.M.]

Ngunit ‘wag panghinaan ng loob. Kahit matalo… hindi ka mawawala sa mata ng publiko. Mananalong mayor ang ex mong si Ms. Guia Gomez sa lungsod ng San Juan at aalukin ka niyang maging First Gentleman! Astig, pare! FG ka na dude! ‘Di ka na ma-reach ‘tol!

Richard ‘Dick’ Gordon
Bagumbayan Party
Born: August 5, 1945
Sign: Leo
Hindi paborable ang galaw ng iyong mga planeta. Maulap din ang paligid ng mga bituing gumagabay sa ‘yo. Dahil dito, hihilingin mo sa korte na mag-issue ng TRO laban sa hulang ito. So, totoo pala ang balita – mas suplada ka pa kaysa sa iyong asawa.

Paalala ng mga bituin: Isa kang Autobot nang magsimula ang kampanya. Habang lumalapit ang araw ng eleksyon, huwag hayaang mamayani ang ugaling Decepticon. Chill.

Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III
Liberal Party
Born: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
May pangatlo, pang-apat, at panlimang psychiatric reports na lalabas. Pirmado pa rin ito ng mga paring taga-Ateneo. Ngunit mabubunyag na peke ang mga naturang dokumento. Plagiarized lang kasi ang mga ito sa mga previous psychiatric evaluation reports nina Obama, Oprah, at JK Rowling. Isa lang ang magiging reaksyon dito ng kapatid mong si Kris: “Nakakaloka!”

Ipinapayo ng mga bituin na isailalim sa loyalty check ang sarili. Sino ba talaga ang iyong bise-presidente? Si Mr. Palengke o ang kandidatong may B? Careful!

And finally…
Gilbert Teodoro
Lakas-CMD-Kampi
Born: June 14, 1964
Sign: Gemini
Panahon na para mag-move on sa pagtiwalag ng ekonomistang may initials na J.S. sa iyong partido. Makakahanap ka rin ng mas matalino at mas maganda kaysa sa kanya.

Ngayong darating na linggo, may ‘good news’ at ‘bad news’ kang matatanggap. Ang good news: mananaginip si Pastor Apollo Quiboloy at ibubulong daw sa kanya ng Diyos na ikaw ang dapat niyang iendorso. Ang bad news: Nasa panaginip ka rin niya. And you’re both naked. (Eeew!)

[Note: A day after this article was posted, Quiboloy announced his endorsement of Teodoro. Tumama ang hula ng mga bituin! The cult leader didn't say anything though about his 'dream.' More on this topic in the next blog post. Do comeback for updates.]
_____________________
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”
~Dale Carnegie

From Cyberspace
Rock on!

Survey Says
On Nanay Curing Villar’s press con. Your take:
Karapatan niya ‘yun. Hayaan na natin. 29%
A desperate move by Senator Villar 66%
Sino si Nanay Curing? ‘Di ko napanood. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS

20 12 2009


APOLOGIES for the delayed post. It’s the Holiday Season people. Everyone is preoccupied with something: doing some last minute shopping, attending Christmas parties, reuniting with old friends, etc.

These days, people in the metro have the same schedule: 5 hours in the office or malls, 4 hours in traffic.

The Senate is holding a lavish Christmas celebration. Everyone is expected to attend… except for Chiz Escudero. The guy hates parties.

Guess who’ll be the busiest senator this Christmas! Who else but Loren Legarda. She’ll be hopping from party to party.

The Senate plans to recreate the Nativity Scene. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the Virgin.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ap-3NmqtWVvvXM:http://zedomax.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/manger3.jpg Sen. Manny Villar won’t play any part in the Nativity Scene but he volunteered to donate the house, the lot, and the manger.

For some reason, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has rejected suggestions to let Senators Jamby Madrigal, Bong Revilla, and Lito Lapid to play the role of the three wise men.

Sen. Mar Roxas has repeatedly expressed interest to play the role of Joseph. But getting no support from his colleagues, he withdrew.

Eighty-two year old senator Joker Arroyo refused to take part in the activity. But that was understandable since Methuselah was never a part of the Nativity Scene.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:I83Uad-jppqPnM:http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/fs12/300W/i/2006/310/b/b/The_3_wisemen_by_ephexiousone.jpg Not to be outdone, Malacañang is also recreating its own Nativity Scene. Virgilio Garcillano, Hermogenes Esperon, and Ronaldo Puno will portray the three kings. However, they are not expected to bring incense, gold, or myrrh. Instead, they will deliver… votes.

When Andal Ampatuan Jr. heard Malacañang’s plan, he sent a note to President Arroyo and volunteered his talent. He wanted to play the role of Herod so he could slaughter innocents.

The characters in the palace’s Nativity Scene were already complete when Mikey Arroyo angrily protested his exclusion. To pacify the presidential son, Malacañang people offered him a special but undemanding role. He’ll be the shit of a camel.

At the Lower House, congressmen couldn’t complete their own Nativity Scene. Nobody dared to play Jesus but everyone was qualified to play the role of an ass.

In Times Street, Sen. Noynoy Aquino has recreated his own Nativity Scene. His three wise men look dazed though because they’re following not just one but several stars.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:trsjBYaEZrJ0iM:http://andrewerrington.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/three-wise-men.jpg Just as confused are the Three Kings in Sen. Richard Gordon’s Bagumbayan Party’s Nativity Scene. The kings are having a hard time following the star because of several street signs that say: “Walang tawiran, nakamamatay.”

Back to Times Street, Noynoy Aquino had a difficult time finishing his Nativity Scene because Kris Aquino insisted on playing the role of the star.

In Polk Street, chaos marred the recreation of the Estradas’ Nativity Scene. Erap played the role of Joseph but everday, a different woman plays the role of Mary.

The Nativity Scene in Gilbert Teodoro‘s house was reportedly one of the most intricate, beautiful, and well-crafted recreations. Unfortunately, only 2 percent of his friends have seen it.

You can find all kinds of Christmas decors at the residence of environmentalist Nicanor Perlas except for the Nativity Scene. According to the Comelec, he doesn’t have the capability and the resources to create one.

The Villars’ Laurel mansion in Shaw Blvd. boasts of the most expensive decors. There are two six-foot Christmas trees, two giant Santa Clauses, and two life-size Nativity Scenes. A recent survey showed that Villar has narrowed the gap between him and Noynoy so expect a double celebration this Christmas!

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s own Nativity Scene tops them all. Surrounding the infant Jesus are 5 million sheep!

Finally, the Communist Party of the Philippines produced perhaps the oddest of all Nativity Scene re-creations. Their wise men are in Congress, the shepherds are in the Sierra Madre mountains, and their God is in the Netherlands!

In other news…
Manny Pacquiao, endorser of top brands like Nike, Rexona, and SMB now endorses presidential candidate Manny Villar. Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga is Pacquiao’s only endorsement that is currently No. 2 in the market.

Photo of the Weak
Ito po ay isang malinaw na patunay na may kakayahang ngumiti ang isang aso.


_____________________
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

This Just In! The Commission on Elections, particularly 2nd Division members Nicodemo Ferrer, Elias Yusoph and Lucenito Tagle have junked the proposal of 1st Division commissioners to put colorful Christmas decors in their office. Yusoph, Tagle, and Ferrer described the proposal as “so gay.”

Have a productive week ahead!





HOPEFUL, HOPEFULS

17 12 2009


Official Candidates
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacies of eight presidential nominees: former defense secretary Gilbert Teodoro, Sen. Richard Gordon, Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, Sen. Manuel Villar, former president Joseph Estrada; Olongapo City Councilor Juan Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, and Sen. Ana Maria Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal. It’s an all-male battle for the presidency!

Official VP Candidates
The list of vice presidential candidates approved by the Commission on Elections was more diverse. There was a woman (Loren Legarda) and there were two blacks (Jejomar Binay and Jay Sonza).

Perlas Is Out
The Commission on Elections rejected the presidential bid of Nicanor Perlas. The commissioners junked him when they learned that the environmental activist’s platform includes “Cleaning up the Comelec.”

Suicidal?
Former actor, Marcos loyalist, and forever aspiring public servant Amay Bisaya reportedly vowed to commit suicide on Election Day if he loses his gubernatorial bid in Bohol province. But friends and supporters have advised Bisaya not to lose hope in case he doesn’t win at the polls. After all, he can always rely on a Comelec recount.

Hopeful
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 86 percent of respondents would enter the New Year with hope. But the Nacionalista Party is questioning the survey because the remaining 14 percent of respondents answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Judge Dreads
Judge Luisito Cortez of Quezon City RTC Branch 84 has backed out from handling the trial of Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. for the Maguindanao massacre. Asked why, Cortez replied, “Better back out than be backhoed.”

Ano ang angkop na deskripsyon, pamagat, o caption sa larawang ito?

A: “Teka lang, teka lang. ‘Wag n’yo na ‘kong kunan. Baka sabihin naman nila, gumigimik lang ako.”
B: “At least puwede ‘ko itong gawin. Si pinsang Noynoy, delikado. Masamang dumikit sa sanggol ang amoy sigarilyo.”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman nag-double digit ang rating ko nito, ewan ko na lang.”
D: Lahat ng nagiging trapo ay nagsisimula sa mga eksenang ganito.

Overseas
In Texas, USA… Houston became the first city to elect an openly gay mayor, a historic development described by Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer as “immoral.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “It’s an FG.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “You mean, my first nine years?”

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth when a deranged man hit him with a statue during a Milan rally. Berlusconi was immediately put into a car but remained calm and waved to to the crowd. In the Philippines, a deranged woman almost hit President Arroyo with a tomato during a rally in Manila. Arroyo was immediately put into a car but remained calm and declared Martial Law.
_____________
“Dum spiro, spero” (While I breathe, I hope)
~Latin Proverb (Cicero)

Survey Says
Are you done with your Christmas shopping?
YES! 10%
NOT YET. 73%
Bawal sa religion namin/Pass muna. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.








Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 115,502 other followers

%d bloggers like this: