WINNERS, LOSERS ATBP.

14 05 2013

SOME GOOD NEWS: the midterm election is over. And in better news, the liquor ban had been lifted.

The good news is the midterm election is over. The bad news is the 2016 presidential campaign has just begun.

The midterm election is over. Cynthia Villar and Jamby Madrigal can now stop acting like they’re friends.

We’re done with the 2013 midterm elections. Alan Peter Cayetano can now openly attack Loren Legarda.

graceNational Elections
Team PNoy’s Grace Poe is leading the race for senator. Asked about her very strong showing, Grace Poe replied, “I’m surprised!” Loren Legarda said, “Me too.”

Prof. Randy David says appearance in debates helped Grace Poe prove that’s she’s an intelligent candidate. Non-appearance in debates helped Nancy Binay prove she’s a more intelligent candidate.

Nancy Binay is winning. Risa Hontiveros is losing. No debate in the plenary. Well played Nancy, well played.

Much to the dismay of her critics, Nancy Binay will probably be proclaimed senator of the Philippines. A stunned but ecstatic Nancy thanked her party, her supporters, and her surname.

Team PNoy’s Jun Magsaysay is out of the Magic 12. Ser Chief’s magic didn’t work.

Televangelist Eddie Villanueva lost another bid for a national post. A few minutes ago, Villanueva was overheard saying, “Lord, strike 3 ka na!”

Some of the losers this year include Jamby Madrigal, Ernesto Maceda, Mitos Magsaysay and the Catholic vote.

At press time, Jack Enrile is at No. 15. Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile is demanding a refund from ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya.’

Local Elections
In Manila, former San Juan Mayor Joseph Estrada and his running mate Isko Moreno have been proclaimed winners. Bingo!

LRay
In Camarines Sur, 23-year-old Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte defeated his 77-year-old grandfather Luis Villafuerte Sr. in the gubernatorial race. It was only the second win for Migz whose first victory was against a classmate in a game of DoTA.

Camarines Sur elected its youngest governor in history, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte, 23 years old. Villafuerte thanked the people of Cam Sur for giving him his first OJT.

At only 23, Miguel Luis ‘Migz’ Villafuerte was elected govenor of Camarines Sur. Even Nancy Binay was like, “Ano ‘to laro?!”

Aga Muhlach almost won a Congressional seat in Camarines Sur. The actor can’t wait to go back to Manila and stop pretending he’s Bicolano.

Pampanga
In Pampanga, Lilia ‘Baby’ Pineda posted a landslide win against former priest, Among Ed Panlilio. Asked to describe her overwhelming victory, Pineda said, “Masaya! Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

Annabelle Rama
In Cebu’s first district, talent manager Annabelle Rama was trounced by former lawmaker Raul Del Mar. Cebuanos chose mind over mother.

Feisty talent manager Annabelle Rama lost badly in Cebu. In fact, she lost even in her own precinct cluster. Before the polls opened on Monday, Ruffa Gutierrez tweeted that her mom was praying loudly. And her prayers were in fact, answered. It’s a no.

Richard and Lucy
In Leyte, Lucy Torres is back as District 1 representative while Richard Gomez is… back as her chief of staff.

Richard Gomez lost the mayoral race in Ormoc City. Aside from being an actor, Richard is also known for his hobbies: archery, fencing, and losing elections.

The Pacquiaos
In Sarangani, Jinkee Pacquiao won the race for vice governor. Jinkee was so happy her face actually moved.

Neophyte politician Jinkee Pacquiao was elected vice governor of Sarangani Province. Asked about her platform, Jinkee was tight-lipped… and tight-cheeked and tight-foreheaded.

BREAKING: Napagpasyahan ng Commission on Elections na sa 2016 election, ang balota ay isusubo hindi sa PCOS machine kundi sa mga kandidato MISMO. Kapag iniluwa, talo. FYI.
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“Elections determine who is in power, but they do not determine how power is used.”
~Paul Collier

Sound Bites
“’Yong mga bashers na ‘yon, talagang natural na ‘yon, ‘yong mga inggitero, inggitera.”
~Vice President Binay on daughter Nancy’s detractors

Mabuhay ang demokrasya!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





9-3

27 02 2013

THE LATEST Social Weather Stations survey is out. Of the 12 senatorial slots that were up for grabs, Team PNOY got 9, UNA got nervous.

sur
ABS-CBN News reported that when Vice President Jejomar Binay saw the SWS study, he was in disbelief – exactly the same reaction of many people when his daughter Nancy placed fourth in another survey.

Team PNOY’s Jamby Madrigal, Jun Magsaysay, and Rissa Hontiveros failed to enter the Magic 12. If they still miss the cut in the next two surveys, they’ll change their last names to ‘Binay.’

UNA’s Jackie Enrile who promises “murang pagkain, maraming pagkain” to Filipinos is out of the Magic 12. People are on a diet.

Team PNOY’s Grace Poe had the biggest jump – from 10th in January to 5th in the February survey. Her MMK episode was shown February 2. Wala lang.

The SWS survey results are in. Former Senate President Ernesto Maceda is out.

Ansabeh/Ang Totoo
Ansabeh: “Kahit hindi kami magkasama sa partido, naniniwala akong magkaibigan pa rin kami.”
Ang Totoo: “Pero kung may matatalo sa botohan, sana siya na lang.”

Ansabeh: “Sus! ‘Yang survey na ‘yan kinukundisyon ang utak ng mga tao na natatalo kami.”
Ang Totoo: “Pero kung kami ang lumalamang, ‘the people have spoken.’”

Ansabeh: “’Walang basehan ang kaso laban sa akin. Pinupulitika lang ako.”
Ang Totoo: “Bakit kasi ngayon lang natuklasan ‘tong kagaguhang ginawa ‘ko? Sana pagkatapos na lang ng eleksyon.”

Ansabeh: “Her best asset? She’s my daughter.
Ang Totoo: “’Yon na ‘yon.”

Ansabeh: “Huwag po n’yo sanang isiping nakalimot na kami sa mga tulad n’yong maliliit.”
Ang Totoo: “Hinding-hindi po… lalo na kapag eleksyon.”

Ansabeh: “Naniniwala po akong mas malaki ang magagawa ko kung ako ay nasa Senado kaysa city hall o kapitolyo.”
Ang Totoo: “Mas malaki rin ang kikitain ko.”

Ansabeh: “‘Di n’yo po naitatanong, ‘yong lolo ko po ay dito ipinanganak sa lalawigan n’yo.”
Ang Totoo: “Ngayon ko rin lang nalaman ‘yan. Nagulat din ako.”

pope2In Other News
The race is on for the next pope who shall replace resigned Pope Benedict XVI. Informal surveys identified some frontrunners including cardinals from Ghana, Italy, Canada, and Honduras. Also doing well in the survey is Nancy Binay.

Some 115 cardinals are expected to gather in Rome for the conclave to vote on the next pope. Some of the frontrunners have been identified. The bad news is only one could win. The good news is if they don’t win the post, they can always form a party-list group.

Lost and Found
A long-lost continent has been found under the Indian Ocean. China is asking where they can claim it.
——————————————————
“You can’t depend on polls.”
~ Michael Bloomberg

Sound Bites
“Hindi nga ako makapaniwala. Paano ako makakapag comment sa hindi ako makapaniwala?
~Vice President Jejomar Binay on the latest SWS survey

“When UNA was dominating the results of recent surveys, they praise to high heavens and they were celebrating. Now that Team PNoy overtook them, they are protesting and making unfounded innuendos.”
~Team PNOY spokesman Ben Evardone

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





MACHO, METEOR, MURDER

16 02 2013

THE SEASON OF LENT officially started last February 13, Ash Wednesday. Some people are giving up something for Lent. For example, a friend is giving up meat… while Senators Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Panfilo Lacson are giving up ‘peace.’

ml
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago threatened to expose Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s “sexuality.” But Lacson fired back. Using strong words like “lunatic” and “insanity,” he defended his sexuality saying, “Kung ako bakla, baka wala nang macho sa mundo.” And those guys in the gym were like, “Hindi rin!”

Reacting to Senator Santiago’s “lunatic” insinuation that he’s gay, Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “I am not gay and I don’t intend to be one.” To which former Senator John Osmeña said, “Harsh!”

According to Senator Lacson, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago spent a portion of her pork barrel to erect a cockpit in Pasig City. Santiago reacted and questioned Lacson’s interest in her cockpit.

Interviewed by Rappler, senatorial candidate Jamby Madrigal said, “I can feel what Senator Lacson is feeling.” Hashtag ‘Yun na ‘Yun!

A defeated presidential candidate in 2010, Jamby Madrigal says gender is “a non-issue” but admits “There were some not exactly masculine senators way, way in the past.” And former Senate President Maceda said, “O, ba’t naman ako nadamay d’yan?!”

Loveless Loren
For the nth time, Sen. Loren Legarda denied rumors she had an affair with Sen. Edgardo Angara. For the nth time, we’re not convinced.

Loved
A recent Gallup poll showed the Philippines was the world’s ‘leader in love’ with 93 percent of Filipinos “reported feeling love.” The remaining 7 percent was President Aquino.

nancyBiggest Gainer
In the latest Social Weather Stations survey, senatorial aspirant Nancy Binay, described by the Philippine Daily Inquirer as “unqualified” zoomed past seven other candidates to place 4th. The survey had a margin of error of plus or minus Jejomar Binay.

pistorBlade Gunner?
South African Olympian Oscar “Blade Runner” Pistorius was formally charged with murder for allegedly shooting his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp four times in his home in Pretoria on Valentine’s Day. Initial reports say Pistorius mistook her for a burglar. Prosecutors said it was premeditated murder. Atimonan checkpoint police said it was a shootout.

Double amputee Oscar “Blade Runner” Pistorius allegedly shot his girlfriend inside his home in Pretoria, South Africa on Valentine’s Day. The Olympian admitted he was in the house that day. But Juan Ponce Enrile insisted Pistorius wasn’t there.

The annual Academy Awards happens two Mondays from now. I wouldn’t be surprised if presenters would say, “And the Oscar goes to… prison.”

nancy2Meteors!
More than 1,000 people were injured in Central Russia when a meteor exploded in the sky. Or as God would call it… “preview.”

Sarah Palin said she could see the Russia meteor from her house.

A meteor just hit Russia… prompting tabloids to give it a name: ‘Chris Brown.’

Breaking: North Korea admits misfiring rocket; apologizes to Moscow.

A massive meteor exploded over Central Russia. And the Mayans were like, “Told yah!”

A meteor shower that injured a thousand and then an asteroid. Apparently, Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to quit didn’t sit well with God.

And this just in: Meteor fragments gathered by scientists in Russia were found to have traces of horse meat.
—————————————————-
“My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.”
~W. Somerset Maugham

Sound Bites
“We dated but we were very good friends. We went out a couple of times but I think she’s kinda very strong and she’s really a different character.”
~San Juan Rep. JV Ejercito on TV host Kris Aquino

“Kung ako bakla, baka wala nang macho sa mundo.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HE BANGS (NAMAN!)

3 09 2012

QUEZON CITY Rep. Winston ‘Winnie’ Castelo has been at the receiving end of criticism for the countless billboards and tarpaulins in Quezon City bearing his portrait and name.

To be fair, he is not the first one and is not the only elected official stuck in this habit of self-promotion – using government funds.

But this ka-epalan has to stop.

We wanted to do an interview with Mr Anti-Planking Bill but we learned that the solon was too busy in his district. Fortunately, we were able to chat with his bangs. Yes, the infamous fringe. Here is the transcript of that odd but otherwise revealing conversation.


Good morning Mr Bangs! Kumusta na po kayo?

Okay naman. Heto, kaka-rebond lang.

Wow. Asensado.

Naman! Ako na. Ako na ang maging bangs ng kinatawan ng 2nd District ng Quezon City.

Konting background info lang Mr. Bangs. Ilang taon ka na ba?

Halos ka-edad ko si Sir Winnie. Pero recently lang ako napag-usapan dahil nga sa kabi-kabilang tarps at billboards ng amo ko.

Enjoy ka naman?

Naman! Sino bang ‘di matutuwa kapag tinitingala ng maraming tao? Sino bang ‘di mai-excite kapag pinagmamasdan ng mga botante. At sinong ‘di magiging proud kapag nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng mga constituents? Am I enjoying this? Naman!

‘Yon ba talaga ang expression n’yo? “Naman?!”

Naman! Pati ba naman ‘yon napansin mo pa?

Naman! Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga nagbabagang isyung kinasasangkutan ng amo mo. Handa ka na ba?

Naman!

Ok. Unang isyu: binabatikos si Congressman Winnie dahil sa “Thank You” tarp for the late DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo. Bakit raw kailangang naka-imprenta pa ang pangalan nila ng kanyang asawang si Councilor Precious Hipolito. Close ba si Congressman kay Sec. Jesse?


Naman! For your information, miyembro rin ng Liberal Party si Boss Winnie. May karapatan siyang makidalamhati. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, heto ang pruweba, right click here then open!

Wow, ikaw lang ang bangs na alam ang right click!

Naman!

Kaya lang, hindi naman ‘yong pakikidalamhati ang binabatikos eh kundi ‘yong malaking pangalan ng mag-asawa sa tarpaulin.

Sige, pangalan mo na lang daw ang ilagay. Tutal, inggitero ka eh. Sa 40th day ng kamatayan ni Secretary Robredo, igagawa ka namin ng tarp: “Miss You Sec Jesse – Lovelots, Professional Heckler,” matigil ka na lang. Masyado kang maraming reklamo eh.

‘To naman! Nililinaw lang naman eh. Masyado kang pikon.

Naman!

Curious lang kami. Between your bossing Winnie Castelo and Mayor Herbert Bautista, sino ang mas maraming nakabanderang mukha sa QC?

Grabe ka naman! Para mo namang ‘tinanong kung sinong may mas mahabang buhok: si Ms Abi Valte o si President Noynoy. Siyempre si HB. Matindi ‘yon. Hindi lang naka-display ang mukha. Sementado pa ang initials! Humihinga pa… may lapida na! Sa gate, sa kalye, sa pader, sa truck, sa t-shirt, sa puno, pati yata sa kuyukot niya naka-tattoo!

OA ka. Pati ba naman kuyukot?

Naman! Kapag mag-isa nga kami ni Boss Winnie sa kuwarto, tinatanong ko siya eh: “Kung wala na po ba si Mayor Herbert sa pwesto, siya ang gagastos sa pagtatanggal ng mga naka-sementong initials niya sa buong siyudad?”

O, anong sagot ni Congressman Winnie?

Sabi lang niya: “‘Ta#g-in@, nababaliw na yata ako. Bakit parang nagsasalita ang aking bangs?”

Ha ha! Sumagot ka ulit?

Hindi na. Na-weirduhan din ako sa kanya eh! Nagsasalita siyang mag-isa.

Ang kulit n’yong mag-amo! Maiba ako, pinsan pala ng boss mong si Winnie Castelo si Sen. Tito Castelo Sotto?

Hindi plagiarist ang amo ko!!!

‘Tinatanong ko lang kung magpinsan sila. Bakit defensive ka?

Eh kasi kilala na kita! Tiyak na do’n papunta ang tanong mo. Inunahan lang kita. Hindi plagiarist si Bossing Winnie.

Sige na nga. Pero totoo bang gustong i-criminalize ni Congressman ang plagiarism?

Saan naman nanggaling ang isyung ‘yan?

Sa website niya. And let me quote his press release dated February 23, 2011: “Plagiarists are like pirates in the intellectual seas that they too must be arrested, jailed, and made to answer for the crimes they commit.” Anong masasabi mo?

Ahm, pwedeng pakiulit? Choppy ka eh. Choppy.

Ah, ganun? Pwes, choppyhin mo ang mukha mo.

Tanga! May mukha ba ang bangs?

Whatever! Bago ko malimutan, alam naman ng lahat na ang boss mo ang proponent ng Anti-Planking Bill. Siya rin ang naghain ng bill na naglalayong maglaan ng 14 inches na space sa bawat pasahero ng jeep ang mga operators. At si Castelo rin ang nagpanukalang gawing non-working holiday ang Chinese New Year. Sino ang mas astig ang bills: siya o si Senator Lapid?

To be fair sa kanilang dalawa, they think out of the upside down box. Kaya laging unique at pang-masa ang kanilang bills. So I think pareho lang.

UP graduate nga ba si Congressman Castelo?

Naman! Bakit?

Hindi halata.

Are we done here?

Wow, nag-i-Ingles ang bangs?

Naman!

Last na lang. Paki-explain ang mga sumusunod na larawan. First photo: Bakit po in red font ang W at C sa Watch Community?


Ah, wala ‘yon. Favorite color kasi ni Congressman Castelo ang red. Nagkataon lang na initials din niya ang W at C. Pero sa maniwala ka’t sa hindi, coincidence lang ‘yon. Masyado n’yo namang binibigyan ng kulay ang kaliit-liitang bagay.

Moving on… heto naman po ang Computer School on Wheels. Tanong: Computer school ba talaga ‘yan o common poster area ng Comelec?


Again, nanghuhusga kayo ng kapwa. Tumutulong na nga ang amo ko, kinukuwestyon n’yo pa. Next!

Last photo: Titigan n’yo po ang larawan ng amo mo habang nagsasalita. Then, titigan ang mga nakasabit na larawan sa likuran. Kumpletuhin ang kasabihang ito: “The family that prays together…”


Sus, sisiw! “The family that prays together… rules together.”

Wow, ang husay! UP!

Naman!

O, bibigyan kita ng pagkakataong magbigay ng mensahe sa mga kritiko ng iyong amo. Ano ang gusto mong sabihin sa kanila?

Ako na! Ako na ang nag-iisang bangs na magbibigay ng message. Ano ‘to, talk show?

Naman!

Sige na nga. Si Congressman Winnie na yata ang kauna-unahang kongresistang biktima ng cyberbullying. Sa mga ayaw huminto sa panlalait sa tarpaulin at billboards ng amo ko, ito ang tandaan n’yo: Walang krimen ng self-promotion sa Pilipinas! Bakit naman siya papaapekto sa mga kritiko? Kritiko lang kayo! ’Pag kinuha na kayo ni Lord, mananagot kayo doon, hindi rito.”

Teka, familiar ‘yang mga linyang ‘yan ah. Hoooooooy, kay Tito Sotto ‘yan!

Walang krimen ng plagiarism sa Pilipinas!

Ay, oo nga pala. Ang galing mo talaga.

Naman!
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“We think we are being interesting to others when we are being interesting to ourselves.”
~ Jack Gardner, Words Are Not Things

Quotes of the Week
“Hindi ho ba kaya, noong wala pang DILG secretary ay maraming mga maiitim at maliliit na mga maligno ang siya pong naka-ano dyan, umaabang-abang para makuha po ang pwestong yan.”
~ Broadcaster Korina Sanchez (dzMM)

“Aminado naman po kami na maliit at maitim ang daddy ko pero hindi naman po ata tama na tawagin ni Korina na maligno s’ya.”
~Nancy Binay, daughter of VP Binay via a tweet to @HecklerForever

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THANK YOU:
Epal Watch and @wenchie318 for the photos used here.








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