DEAD!

1 11 2012

MILLIONS OF FILIPINOS trooped to cemeteries to remember and visit the dead. Today, Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Representative Mikey Arroyo was up early. He paid a visit to his political career.


For security reasons, bladed weapons are strictly prohibited in cemeteries. Sketchy reports say Congressional candidate Annabelle Rama was not allowed entry until she agreed to leave her tongue outside the memorial park.

And because it’s All Saints’ Day week, both local and cable TV channels feature horror stories and scary characters. Last night, on her show ‘Bawal Ang Pasaway,’ Mareng Winnie Monsod talked about poverty in Bicol and interviewed Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte.

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. called on politicians to refrain from premature campaigning in cemeteries on All Saints’ Day. An upset Brillantes appealed for “delicadeza.” To which, politicians replied, “Ano ‘yon?”

No Extension
Voter registration for the next elections ended Wednesday, October 31. On-ground campaign began in cemeteries November 1.

Singer and TV host Regine Velasquez was one of those late registrants at the Comelec office. She made it before the 3pm deadline though. Congratulations to the only allowed Filipino flying voter, Songbird!

Asked by reporters why “the last-minute registration,” Regine Velasquez replied, “Eh kasi, I’m preparing for a concert.” I didn’t know it takes two years to prepare for one.

Disqualified
After dropping 28 party-list groups from its list, the Commission on Elections disqualified incumbent Congressman Mikey Arroyo’s Ang Galing Pinoy party-list group as well as ALAM or Alab ng Mamamahayag which claims to represent “marginalized” journalists. The disqualification of Ang Galing Pinoy and ALAM brings the total number of underrepresented sectors to… zero.

Sandy
Reports say New York City has never experienced a natural disaster as devastating as Hurricane Sandy. And Al-Qaeda leaders were like, “Natural? That’s what you think.”

Ugly?
In China, a man sued his wife for deceiving him into believing that her good looks were all natural. It turned out that she had plastic surgery to look beautiful. The Chinese woman was identified as Lah Ni Misa Lu Tsa.

In China, women go under the knife to look beautiful. In the Philippines, women go under the knife to look ugly.
—————————————
“With more opportunity comes more opportunists.”
~Amy Gardner

Quote of the Week
“Sinasabi ko lang, kaunting delicadeza. Huwag naman nilang samantalahin ‘yung holiness ng occasion. Huwag namang punuin ang sementeryo ng mga poster at tarpaulin.”
~Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. to epalicitians on All Saints’ Day

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





“TARA NA!”

13 08 2011

TOURISM SECRETARY Alberto Lim – earlier rumored to be one of three Cabinet members, who had been giving President Aquino a headache, has resigned. Lim was quick to deny though that he copied or got the idea from Migz Zubiri.

Tourism Secretary Bert Lim has resigned for personal reasons. President Aquino has accepted the resignation also for personal reasons.

Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim has stepped down from his post. Some observers believe Lim made a wise decision. After all, he was just serving at the pressure of the President.

Shortly after Secretary Lim announced his resignation, presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda spoke, “Secretary Lim has been a conscientious and highly dedicated member of the President’s official family. He has put in place enduring policy foundations for tourism’s growth and he has done so with tenacity, integrity and vigor.” Ahh, eulogy.

Secretary Lim admitted that one of the reasons why he quit was that he had gotten tired of traveling. He just had enough of it. In fact, for a moment, he had thought of asking Secretary Leila De Lima to place him on the Immigration watch list.

Just last Thursday, Secretary Bert Lim and the Department of Tourism launched a campaign called “Pilipinas, Tara Na!” The next day, Lim left.

Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Education Secretary Armin Luistro said Cabinet members who attended the August 3 meeting were clueless about Lim’s abrupt resignation. Among other things.

Rumors have been floating that advertising veteran Ramon Jimenez will replace Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim. In fact, Jimenez is reportedly looking forward to taking his oath of office in Mati, Davao Oriental.

In Other News…
An official of the Philippine Olympic Committee says members of the bemedalled Philippine Dragon Boat Federation “should retire.” To which, the public said, “You first.”

President Aquino warmly welcomed the Philippine Dragon Boat Federation in Malacañang Friday. The President told the paddlers, “We will strive to remove politics from sports.” And Peping Cojuangco was like, “Bring it on!”

During their courtesy call, the Dragon Warriors gave President Aquino a signed paddle. The President thanked the paddlers for the gift, which, he said would be useful during cabinet meetings.

ABS-CBN has donated 1 million pesos to the Philippine Dragon Boat Federation. Take that Malacañang!

Largest Human Cross
The University of Sto. Tomas has set the record for the world’s largest human cross. The Guinness World Records announced the good news just days after UST set a national record for the most controversial art exhibit.

Traffic and TV5
A TV5 news crew was reportedly caught violating traffic rules in Pasay City Friday while trailing President Aquino’s convoy. Authorities gave the driver a traffic violation ticket. TV5 says it is now investigating the incident. If found guilty, members of the news crew will be penalized by making them watch reruns of “Babaeng Hampaslupa” 24/7.

Ernie and Bert
Producers of the children’s show Sesame Street has released a statement insisting that Ernie and Bert are just friends and definitely, not gay. They admitted however that Ernie and Bert are fond of Big Bird.
————————————————————————————————
“Traveling makes a man wiser, but less happy.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Weak
“This is the first time in the history of Philippine politics that an entire family is persecuted.”
~Ang Galing Pinoy Party-List Rep. Mikey Arroyo

Personal
The Tatt Awards voting is still on. Just click this site and vote for your favorites in the 10 categories. The Professional Heckler is a finalist in the WordSlayer category.

Salamat sa mga walang sawang sumusuporta. Ibinigay ko po ang best ko sa project na ito. Pinaghirapan po namin ito. Thank you Mother Lily sa iyong tiwala. Support everyone. Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Wait, mali. Pang-Film Fest pala ‘yong linyang ‘yon. Sorry.

You Have Spoken
Sa kontrobersyal na work of art ni Mideo Cruz, ano ang stand mo:
Offensive. Kabastusan. Pag-abuso sa freedom of expression. 55.67%
Nauunawaan ko ang trabaho ng isang artist. Live and let live. 32.51%
Wala akong pakialam. 11.82%

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Good luck to the UP Fighting Maroons! Have a (re)productive weekend! Enjoy!





REFLECTIONS

21 04 2011

NAGSIMULA NA ANG bakasyon ng mga bituin pero dahil mainit pa rin ang mga usapin, narito ang kanilang bonus na mga pangitain – Holy Week Edition!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Magpapako ka sa krus. Habang nakapako, magpa-press con at ihayag sa media: “Hinding-hindi ako bababa sa puwesto.” Maraming matutuwa sa ‘yo!

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Dahil sinimulan mo na rin lang noong Lunes Santo, panindigan mo na ang pagiging “marriage counselor” mo. ‘Yan na lang kasi ang titindig sa ‘yo.

Pangulong Aquino
Kung binabantaan ka nila ng excommunication, bantaan mo sila ng taxcommunication. ‘Wag pasindak. Takutan lang ‘yan.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Hindi mo na kailangang mag-Visita Iglesia. Proven na naman ‘di ba?. Nanalo ka pa rin kahit si Mar ang inendorso nila.

Ex-Senator Mar Roxas
Samantalahin ang nalalabing araw ng bakasyon. Less than a month na lang, puwede ka nang magtrabaho sa palasyo. Pag-isipan ang mga iniaalok na puwesto… ngunit tanggihan ang offer na maging First Lady ng Pangulo. It’s just awkward pare!

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-isip, magmuni-muni, at magtanong: hanggang kailan ko susuportahan si Merci Gutierrez? Paano ko maibabalik ang tiwala ng tao? Dapat ko bang ishare ang aking beauty secrets? Bahala ka na.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Samantalahin ang Senate recess. Aralin ang pagluluto ng ibang putahe. Nakakaumay na ang adobo mo kasi. Tse!

Marlene Aguilar a.k.a. Jason Ivler’s mother
Hindi kayang basahin ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. May sarili ka kasing mundong ginagalawan. Heto na lang ang sampung piso, bili ka ng kausap mo!

Willie Revillame
Ilang araw na lang at matatapos na ang iyong bakasyon from television. Why not extend it? Say, for… ever?

And finally…
Cong. Mikey Arroyo
Matutuloy ang plano mong pagpapapako sa krus sa Pampanga. Pero huwag umasang mapapagitna ka. Either sa kanan o sa kaliwa ka ng bida. Alam mo na!

In the News:
According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, it would be better for President Noynoy Aquino to remain single. Just in case you missed it, Cruz is the self-appointed presidential adviser on heart concerns.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says people who get hitched at age 40 or above usually end up having unstable marriages. In totally unrelated news, Mar and Korina have canceled their plan to hear mass today.

TV Patrol Poll
A TV Patrol survey last Tuesday revealed that 62 percent of viewers wanted President Aquino to marry. The rest were bishops.

Christmas/Easter
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 57 of Filipinos consider Christmas more important than Easter Sunday. The rest grew up without a ninong/ninang. #bitter

The Last Supper
A Cambridge University research suggests the Last Supper, traditionally marked by Christians on Maundy Thursday actually took place on a Wednesday. Another research reveals Good Friday was actually bad.

Based on the research conducted at Cambridge University, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation, and separate trials did not all take place on one night only. He was able to get a TRO for 24 hours day.

A new research reveals that the Last Supper actually took place on a Wednesday not on Maundy Thursday. You know what that means? Starting next year, Wednesday will be a holiday! Yehey!
——————————————————-
“There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.”
~George Bernard Shaw

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UNDER FIRE

20 07 2010

PERSONAL: A former officemate has been jobless for months. She’s getting desperate. In the hope of landing a job in government, she’s planning to change her surname to Abad.


Four Posts
Lawmakers have criticized the recent appointment of the members of the Abad family in key government posts. Ex-congressman and former DepEd chief Florencio “Butch” Abad is the new budget secretary. His daughter Julia is the chief of the Presidential Management Staff or PMS while his son, Luis has been appointed chief of staff of Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima. Abad’s wife, Henedina is the representative of the lone district of Batanes and is the incoming vice chairman of the House appropriations committee. President Aquino may be single but his administration has its own First Family.


Security for SONA
At least 3,000 anti-riot policemen will be deployed when President Noynoy Aquino delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. You know what that means? Tiba-tiba na naman ang McDonald’s! Wohoo!

Pagcor & McDonald’s
Reports say a check amounting to 21.1 millions pesos was released last June 28 to reimburse former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino for food purchases at McDonald’s that were “donated” to the NCR Police Office. Again, that’s 21.1 million pesos worth of meals from McDo! And we still wonder why many cops are overweight?

Based on receipts issued by McDonald’s, former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino ordered food on eight separate days – January 15, March 11, April 5, April 14, May 4, May 12, May 13 and June 3. In another news dismissed by Genuino as irrelevant, supporters of his son Erwin who lost in the mayoral race in Makati City have reportedly launched a boycott against McDonald’s saying, “Sawang-sawa na kami sa McDo. Noong panahon ng kampanya wala nang pinakain sa ‘min kundi McDo!”

Light Bites
Q: Ano ang favorite commercial jingle ng mga pulis?
A: Pa-pa-ra-pa-pa… love ko tong!

Yusoph’s Son
A son of Comelec Commissioner Elias Yusoph who was kidnapped in Marawi City last month has been released. The Philippine National Police denied reports that ransom was paid to the kidnappers… although McDonald’s-Marawi confirmed that 2 million-peso worth of cheeseburgers were ordered by an unidentified group of armed men immediately after Yusoph’s release.

Congressman Mikey
Voting 4-2 with one abstention, the Commission on Elections en banc allowed Mikey Arroyo to sit as representative of “Ang Galing Pinoy” party-list, which claims to represent among others, security guards in Congress. To prove that he’s serious about his advocacy, Mikey reportedly vowed to work on graveyard shift.

The Commission on Elections has allowed former presidential son Mikey Arroyo to sit in Congress. Rumors say Mikey has already drafted his first bill: “An Act Penalizing the Violators of the ‘No ID, No Entry’ Policy.”

SC and Plagiarism
Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarizing from the Yale Law Journal and the Western Reserve Journal of International Law and a portion of a book by the Cambridge University Press. Del Castillo has denied the allegation but vows to pay for the act if proven otherwise… by donating cash to the basketball program of his alma mater, the Ateneo De Manila University.

Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarism, or as Manny V. Pangilinan would call it, “borrowing.”

Charice and Belo
News that Vicki Belo performed a cosmetic procedure on pop sensation Charice Pempengco became the 6th most discussed topic worldwide on Twitter.com Monday night. Belo felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. A few years back, a cosmetic surgery done on her own face was a hit on AwfulPlasticSurgery.Com.

A footage of Charice Pempengco getting Botox injection was featured on the Hollywood entertainment show The Daily 10. They showed Charice’ old and new face, and then they showed the face of her sponsor Vicki Belo, the living proof that the procedure can go horribly wrong.
—————–
“I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they’re good or there because they’re lucky.”
~Katharine Hepburn

Survey Says
Manolo Quezon, Ricky Carandang, Sonny Coloma, Jing Magsaysay, atbp. Ano ang basa mo sa pinaplantsang Presidential Communications Group?
– Okay ‘yan! Mas maraming nagtatrabaho, mas pabor sa gobyerno. 21.9%
– Naku, magiging magulo ‘yan! 37.5%
– Hintayin na lang natin.

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Who are the Abads?

Manila Standard Today: Ochoa hate mail gets Rated K

Newsbreak’s Inside Track: President Aquino upsets Japan and No to Lobbying





THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY

17 06 2010


THE ARROYOS have reportedly left Malacañang. In fact, according to reports, the First Family has been cleaning out their closets in the palace for more than two months now. And they’d probably need another month or two to finish… considering the huge number of skeletons they keep in there.

The Arroyo family has reportedly left Malacañang last Sunday. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “We are happy to leave Malacañang,” to which Malacañang replied, “The feeling is mutual.”


Top 12 Messages Left on the Arroyos’ Answering Machine in Malacañang

No. 12: “Hello ma’am? Si Garci po ito ma’am. Hihiram po sana ako ng konting halaga bago kayo bumaba sa puwesto. Matumal ang kita noong eleksyon eh. Alam n’yo na, automated.”

No. 11: “Eow powhzzzz! PAn6UL0n6 ÅrrÕyØ. mÃrÅm1nG $ÅLÅmÅ+ ph0w Å+ g1nÅwÅ n1ny0nG h0L1DÅy Ång jUnE 3Ø. mÅk~k~+ambÅy nà ÑÅmÅn kÅmi $a MaLL! +HÅnk U’ pfoWh üL3+. Lolz!”

No. 10: “Sir, Ma’am… si Udong Mahusay po ito. ‘Paalala ko lang po ang lifetime allowance na ‘pinangako n’yo sa kin ni Sir Mike Defensor noong 2003. Bigla po niyang inihinto after ng eleksyon eh.”

No. 9: “Dad, Mom… Luli here. Whatever happens, always remember that you’re the best parents in the world. Lalo na ikaw Dad. I love you mom, love you dad. Wait lang, hold on… ‘Mang Gusting, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa inyo na ayaw na ayaw kong nali-late ang driver!? Usted está despedido! Humanap na lang kayo ng ibang amo! Ora mismo!’”

No. 8: “Hellowww… mga maids? ‘Musta na kayo mga friendship? Todo na ‘to! As in todo na to the highest level! Wala ba jan si Sir Mikey n’yo? Grabe huh! ‘Di na naman niya ako sinipot sa Lubao kagabi. Ang linaw-linaw ng usapan! Heller! Nag-cancel nga ako ng taping para sa kanya ‘tapos mang-iindyan lang pala??? Okay lang siya?? Pakisabi mag-return call siya, okay? Kailangan ko ng pang-shopping! Pasensya na! Go go go!”

No. 7: “Ni hao! Mike, alam ko d’yan ka pa palasyo. Si Mrs. Toh. ‘Wag ka bobo! Hindi ako Gloria. Si Mrs. Toh! Ikaw ‘wag na tago sa akyen. Matagal na kita hanap. Wala pa closure atyen breakup. Ikaw tawag akyen agad. Wo xiangnian ni.”

No. 6: “Hi ma’am. This is your favorite student in Ateneo, Joey Salceda. My unsolicited advice is for you to accept the harsh reality: Life’s a bitch. And so are you. Charing! Just kidding. Babush!”

No. 5: “Hi ma’am. This is Chiz Escudero, inaanak n’yo sa kasal. Sa inyong paglisan, nais ko lang ipaalala, at sana’y inyong tatandaan: ang masamang hangarin, kailanman ay hindi magtatagumpay. Ang pag-unlad ng bansa ay hindi nasusukat sa dami ng naipagawang tulay o naipatayong gusali kundi sa kaledad ng buhay ng bawat Pilipinong malinaw na binigo ng inyong administrasyon. Marami pa rin ang kumakalam ang sikmura. Marami pa rin ang walang hanapbuhay. Marami pa rin ang nakatira sa ilalim ng mga tulay at mababahong estero. Marami pa rin ang tila sabik sa pagbabagong dapat sana ay… (Beep!) [You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again.]

No. 4: “Hello! Si Mar ulit ‘to. This is my fourth call and you still refuse to answer! C’mon hon, let’s be sport, okay? Whether you like it or not, we will attend Noynoy’s inauguration together. Hon? Talk to me. Are you ther… Put*ng-i*aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mali ang nai-dial ko!”

No. 3: “Hilluw? Is this the palas pown? Sa palasyu ba ‘tung numirung itu? Ah basta, itu lang ang miseyds ku. Unang-una, pasalamat aku sa Panginuun sa mga blissings sa kin. Pangalawa, pasalamat aku sa ating prisidinti sa walang-sawang pag-supurta sa mga laban ku. Kahit papanu, mami-miss ko kayu mahal na pangulu at Pirst Jintilman Husi Migil Arruyu. Hanggang ditu na lamang pu ang aking minsahi at aaminin ku pu sa inyu… ‘di pa rin pu aku makapaniwala na aku at ikaw, mahal na pangulu ay magka-livil na ngayun sa Kungrisu! You know…”

No. 2: “Hello Mrs. President. Paalis ka pa lang, pabalik na kami! C’est la vie! Kami nga pala ang mga miyembro ng Hyatt 10 at The Firm. Ang saya-saya ulit, noh?”

And the No.1 message left on the Arroyos’ answering machine in Malacañang…

“Hello… Inday? Shi ma’am mo ito. Pumashok ka nga sha dati kong kuwarto at paki-check kung do’n ko naiwan ang shilicone para sha aking kaliwang shuso. Thankxssh!”

FG’s Book
Last Tuesday, outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched his book titled “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. Go get a copy now. When you enter Powerbooks, it’s located near the section with a big sign that says, “People who bought this book also bought Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

Outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched a coffee table book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. The book has 10 chapters. One chapter was devoted to Mr. Arroyo’s answers to allegations of graft and corruption; the rest were devoted to the allegations of graft and corruption.

Mike Arroyo launched a book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. But I heard it’s selling poorly. The publisher attributes the poor sales to the opening line of the book. It says, “Back off.”
—————————-
“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”
~Ian Percy

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang italagang kalihim ng Department of Interior and Local Government si Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay?
OO naman. Alam na niya ang trabaho d’yan! 25.6%
NOPE! Scary! Be afraid. Be very afraid. 66.8%
Hmmm, ewan. 7.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

The Who
TV show recently asked Aspen Oak: Are you ready to entertain suitors now? Aspen Oak’s answer was a categorical “No.” Unknown to the public though, Aspen Oak has been in a steady relationship with Sunflower Zinnia. The not-so-surprising twist? They’re both women – and moms. Aspen Oak used to be “friends” with has-been actress, Aster Anthurium. Sino sila? Itanong n’yo na lang sa halimaw sa banga!

Personal
Because we’re in it to win it.
Because we never doubted our team.
Because we, the loyal Los Angeles Lakers fans will always…
.

Go Lakers!

Elsewhere…
Did PDI columnist Belinda Olivarezs-Cunanan resign or was she fired?





MARGINALIZED

25 03 2010


Marginalized?
Have you heard the news? Mikey Arroyo is running for Congress again. He is the first nominee of “Ang Galing Pinoy,” a party-list group that claims to represent security guards! You know what their campaign slogan is? “Para sa national security… No ID, No Entry!”

Energy Sec. Angelo Reyes is also seeking a Congressional seat. Reports say Reyes is a nominee of the party-list group 1-UTAK, a coalition of jeepney drivers and operators. Reyes representing jeepney drivers is not surprising though considering that he has gotten used to accepting jobs he absolutely knows nothing about.

El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is reportedly running for a Congressional seat via the party-list elections. He is a nominee of the pro-life group Buhay. Personally though, I think Velarde would do better as BIR Commissioner. He’s really good at collecting revenues.

Reports say Bro. Mike Velarde decided to be one of Buhay’s nominees because of the government’s distribution of condoms. If that’s his only reason, he should have just sought the chairmanship of the CBCP instead!

Can you believe it? El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde is running for Congress too! His supporters believe he’ll make a good “Speaker.”

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Happen if Bro. Mike Velarde Becomes the Next House Speaker

No. 5: The House of Representatives will celebrate its founding anniversary in Luneta.

No. 4: As an icebreaker during marathon sessions, he’ll ask congressmen to stand up and sing “Alive, alive, alive forevermore…”

No. 3: Before and after each session, collection baskets will be passed around.

No. 2: The official House uniform will be “anything checkered.”

And the No.1 thing you wouldn’t want to happen if Mike Velarde becomes House Speaker…

During a vote, he’ll ask his fellow congressmen, “Those who are in favor… say Amen!”

Marginalized, Too?
Dermatologist Manny Calayan is also running for Congress. He is a nominee of the party-list group Alyansa ng Media at Showbiz. Critics believe though that a Calayan victory will further deteriorate the quality of House members. Lalong dadami ang “plastic.”

Backers
Unconfirmed reports say the religious bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo and the Catholic charismatic group El Shaddai Group are supporting the presidential bid of Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar. If it’s any consolation, Noynoy Aquino has the CBCP.

CBCP and a Revolution
Caloocan Bishop Deogracias Iňiguez Jr. was quoted to have said that members of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines would join a revolt in the event of a failure of elections. Skeptics doubt though the ability of bishops to win a revolution since they couldn’t even score a victory against Health Sec. Esperanza Cabral.


Gordon On Video
Presidential bet Richard Gordon who once declared, “I don’t need celebrity endorsers,” has appeared on a music video on YouTube with his celebrity endorsers, Moymoy Palaboy. Gordon even danced on that video. When Manny Villar saw Gordon’s video, he asked him to perform live at a Nacionalista Party rally for a fee.

Have you seen the latest Moymoy Palaboy video featuring presidential bet Richard Gordon? They were so lovably cute I thought I was watching the Oompa-Loompas.

Photo of the Weak:
Ganito Kami sa Makati
Outgoing Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin will be succeeded by his wife Louie, if she’d be lucky in the coming elections.


Ano ang akmang deskripsyon, caption, o pamagat sa larawan?
A: Ang noo’y mahigpit na kalaban ng tambalang Sharon at Gabby: ang kilig na loveteam nina Teddyboy at Louie.
B: Gamit na gamit na naman ang mga graduates
C: Kung tapos na ang termino ni lalaki, patakbuhin si babae
D: Parang mag-ina lang.
——-
“I’ve had a tough time learning how to act like a congressman. Today I accidentally spent some of my own money.”
~Joseph P. Kennedy

Survey Says
Batay sa resulta ng recent senatorial surveys, ano kaya ang nangungunang batayan ng pagpili ng mga botante?
KASIKATAN. Kilalang mga pangalan. 62%
KAHUSAYAN. Track record. 16%
PAREHO LANG. 22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





OF CANDIDATES AND CARNAGE

29 11 2009


LP’s Standard Bearer
Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino filed his certificate of candidacy for president Saturday, November 28. Television host Boy Abunda, sister Kris Aquino, Cesar Montano, Gretchen Barreto, Dingdong Dantes, Marian Rivera, Kim Chiu, Enchong Dee, Erich Gonzales, and Coco Martin accompanied Noynoy when he filed his COC. However, they were barred from entering the Comelec office because they were carrying torches.

Noynoy Aquino’s girlfriend Shalani Soledad was also outside the Comelec office when he filed his COC. While she was not carrying a torch, she was also refused entry by the security guards who claimed they merely acted on orders from Kris Aquino.

A huge crowd accompanied Sen. Noynoy Aquino when he filed his certificate of candidacy for president last Saturday, November 28. According to newspapers, 2,000 people came out. According to cops, 1,500. According to the Social Weather Stations, 60 percent.

Mar Files COC
Sen. Mar Roxas has officially filed his certificate of candidacy for vice president. Korina Sanchez is now an official candidate for Second Lady.

Mikey’s Plans
Speaking before some 200 local officials from Pampanga who serenaded President Arroyo at Malacañang Palace, Second District Rep. Mikey Arroyo said he was more than willing to give up his House seat for his mother, President Arroyo. And while on vacation, Mikey plans to study the correct procedure in declaring his statement of assets, liabilities and net worth.


Ano ang nararapat na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A) “Kung hindi manguna sa survey ng Pulse Asia, manguna man lang sana sa tindig at porma.”

B) Sa ating lahat na lumaki sa “Batibot,” handa… awit!
“Pagsama-samahin ang pare-pareho
Ang magkakatulad ay ating igrupo
Kay sayang libangan, kay daling gawin
Ang pare-pareho, pagsamahin natin.”

C) “TG Guingona was here.”

D) “The boat is sinking. Group yourselves into… 6!”

E) Buhay na buhay ang tsansa nilang manalo… hanggang sa mamatay si Cory Aquino.

Ampatuan Jr.
Datu Unsay, Maguindanao Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. was brought to Manila aboard a chopper last Thursday night. Unknown to many though, it took several hours before Ampatuan Jr. was convinced to ride the helicopter… because he insisted on riding a backhoe instead.

Ampatuan Jr. II
Datu Unsay, Maguindanao Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. was separated from other inmates at the NBI jail because he was considered a high-risk prisoner. Since being airlifted to Manila last Thursday, sources say Ampatuan Jr. has been restless, and keeps looking for his wives, his children, and his political party.

Ampatuan Jr’s Foe
When Buluan, Maguindanao Vice Mayor Ismael Mangudadatu saw Andal Ampatuan Jr. during the inquest proceeding at General Santos City last Thursday, Mangudadatu said, “Gusto ko siyang kainin!” But the grieving vice mayor changed his mind when Ampatuan Jr. revealed, “Ipinaglihi ako sa baboy.”

GMA’s Spokesperson
Deputy presidential spokesperson Lorelie Fajardo dismissed the Maguindanao massacre as a mere “incident between two families.” She added, “I don’t think the President’s friendship with the Ampatuans will be severed.” The president is now studying recommendations to sever her ties with Fajardo.

Battle Cry
OBAMA: “Change? Yes, we can!”
AMPATUAN Jr.: “Murder? Yes, I can!”
____________________
“We need a law that will permit a voter to sue a candidate for breach of promise.”
~Anonymous

Stay safe. Have a productive week ahead!





SPECULATIONS

6 11 2009

pacquiao_jimmy
Pacquiao on US Talk Show
Earlier this week, boxing champion Manny Pacquiao guested on US talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Asked by Kimmel if he was the most popular guy in all of the Philippines, a grinning Pacquiao answered, “I am. You know… until Cory Aquino died.”

Pacquiao on US Talk Show II
Manny Pacquiao was the special guest this week on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Asked by Kimmel if he was the most popular guy in all of the Philippines, a grinning Pacquiao answered, “Since September, I am only third. First is Noynoy Aquino, and second is Nathaniel ‘Mang Tanny’ Cruz.”

gma bahay lubao GMA’s New House?
Malacañang refused to comment on reports that President Arroyo is the owner of a newly-constructed 400-square-meter single-story house in Lubao, Pampanga. But Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo said the media should stop speculating because the house was just a gift from his parents’ wedding sponsors.

Vice President Arroyo?
Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez, a staunch administration ally, suggested that President Arroyo run for vice president in May 2010… to which Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo said, “Bobo ka ba? Eh ‘di nasayang naman ‘yung bahay sa Lubao.”

OSORIO ABS-CBN’s Corp Com Head
In a phone interview, ABS-CBN Corporate Communications head Bong Osorio dismissed speculations that ABS-CBN was favoring presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino. Nope, Osorio is not insulting our intelligence. He is assuming that we don’t have any.

ABS-CBN’s Corp Com Head II
In a phone interview, ABS-CBN Corporate Communications head Bong Osorio dismissed speculations that ABS-CBN was favoring presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino. In a related story, NBN 4 has dismissed speculations it was favoring the government. And this just in: NET 25 has dismissed speculations it was favoring the Iglesia ni Cristo.

SWS Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 53 percent of Filipino families consider themselves poor. The response of the remaining 47 percent was invalidated because they answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Freedom Survey
A recent study conducted by the London-based Legatum Institute in tandem with Gallup World Poll showed that 85 percent of Filipinos expressed satisfaction with the freedoms afforded to them in their daily lives. Sen. Chiz Escudero was not among the 85 percent because the study was conducted months before he resigned from NPC.

Freedom Survey 2
According to a study conducted by the London-based Legatum Institute in partnership with Gallup World Poll, “Filipinos enjoy excellent freedom of movement, religion, and speech” – the same freedoms enjoyed most by Loren Legarda, Mike Velarde, and Chiz Escudero, respectively.

floodpangasina Bad Weather
I saw the news last night. Apparently, it’s still flooded in many parts of Pangasinan. Plazas are flooded, churches are flooded, and big malls are flooded prompting San Nicolas, Pangasinan Mayor Leoncio Saldivar III to order his bodyguards to shop in Greenbelt 5.

04112009500-small The Mayor and the Heist
Reports say two of the members of the gang that robbed a Rolex store in Greenbelt 5 last month worked for San Nicolas, Pangasinan Mayor Leoncio Saldivar III. But Saldivar denied any involvement in the Greenbelt 5 incident mainly because he expected the group to rob Glorietta 4 instead.

The Mayor and the Heist II
Remember the Greenbelt 5 robbery last month? It turned out that one of the robbers was the first cousin of San Nicolas, Pangasinan Mayor Leoncio Saldivar III. Sought for comment, Saldivar said, “Eh ano naman ngayon kung pinsang-buo ko ‘yung magnanakaw? Si Mike Arroyo nga eh, asawa ng presidente.”

alvin flores gang Plastic Surgery
Alvin Flores, the leader of a robbery gang eponymously named after him, reportedly had his face changed through plastic surgery to evade police detection… something that was totally unnecessary if he were a congressman.
__________
“A speculator is a man who observes the future, and acts before it occurs.”
~Bernard M. Baruch

Survey Says
Are you a registered Filipino voter?
PROUDLY, I am. :74%
NOPE, I wasn’t able to register. :21%
I am not a Filipino. :5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal: Follow me on Twitter. Wala lang. Kung ayaw mo, ok lang. Enjoy your freedom. Have a great weekend.





FAMOUS LAST WORDS (VERSION 2009)

3 11 2009

deathbed_ BEFORE HE TOOK HIS last breath, Ludwig van Beethoven said, “Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.” Sir Winston Churchill, before falling into a coma murmured, “I’m bored with it all.” And facing his assassin Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier, Ernesto “Che” Guevara uttered, “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” Locally, how could showbiz people forget the suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!”

As a post-Halloween post, here’s an updated version of my 2007 and 2008 article titled…

Top 20 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Political Figures and Celebrities

No. 20: Boy Abunda: “Now na!”

No. 19: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko, nararamdaman ko, hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (Then, she dies.)

No. 18: DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno: “I’m fed up with life!”

No. 17: Annabelle Rama: “Dung, malakas ang kutob ku dung, nilason ako ni Wilma Galvanti dung!

No. 16: Kris Aquino: “Hay naku Boy, sabi mo sabay tayo? Nag-promise ka kay Mom, remember? Gosh, kainis ka!”

No. 15: Conrado De Quiros: “30.”

No. 14: Sen. Manny Villar: “60.”

No. 13: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko na… ramdam ko na!” (Gasps for air) ‘Tang-i*aaaa! Puwede bang mag-give way na lang ako?”

No. 12: Korina Sanchez: “Ikaw ang minimithi ng aking puso. Ikaw ang napili kong maging kasama at katabi sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko sa ‘yo na ako ay sa ‘yo. Noon, ngayon at bukas, ako’y iyung-iyo… Lord.”

No. 11: Manny Pacquiao: “You know, I am die and I am ready kaya gusto kong ‘pasalamat sa ating mga kababayan at sa Panginoon sa walang sawang pagsupurta sa akin.”

No. 10: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Mr. President and distinguished colleagues, before I die, allow me to unmask the real Joseph Ejercito Estrada.”

No. 9: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh.”

No. 8: President Arroyo: “God, wala na ba talagang extension?”

No. 7: Sen. Loren Legarda: “I have already made a decision. I am definitely dying with or without a mate by my deathbed.”

No. 6: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: [See ‘President Arroyo’]

No. 5: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Sa Makati, libre ang ospital. Sa Makati, libre ang burol. Sa Makati, libre ang libing. Wala akong gagastusin kapag namatay ako sa Makati. Sana, ganito rin sa inyo kapag kayo ang namatay.”

No. 4: Joseph Estrada: “Sinong maysabing hindi ako pwedeng mamatay? Let the people decide! Vox Ernie, Vox Dei. The voice of Manong Maceda is the voice of God.”

No. 3: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Hinihiling ko po sa inyo na kung maaari lamang sana ay bigyan n’yo ako ng ilang araw upang makapag-isip at kumunsulta sa Pink Sisters kung dapat na ba akong pumanaw o hindi pa.”

No. 2: Cong. Mikey Arroyo: “O, eto huh! Baka magtaka na naman ang mga investigative reporters at si Tita Winnie Monsod kapag tumaas ang aking net worth sa ipa-file kong Statement of Assets and Liabilities (SALN) next year. Ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo: hindi ill-gotten ‘yan. Galing ‘yan sa magiging abuloy at donasyon kapag namatay ako.”

And the No. 1 deathbed statement of a political figure or celebrity…

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Nais kong ipabatid sa inyong lahat na nagpasya na akong talikuran ang aking pagiging Romano Katoliko dahil naniniwala ako na sinumang nilikha na malapit nang makipagkita sa Panginoong Maykapal ay hindi dapat miyembro o kaanib ng anumang relihiyon, sekta, o kulto upang malaya siyang makapagpasya na siya lang – walang busal sa bibig at walang nagdidikta, alang-alang na rin sa ikakapanatag ng kanyang damdamin at ikaliligtas ng kanyang kaluluwa.”

___________
“With death comes honesty.”
~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

Personal
I just wanna share my Facebook status (November 3):
“Binigyan kayo ng isang buong taon upang magparehistro ngunit hindi n’yo ginawa. Sa tatlong daan at animnapu’t limang araw na inilaan sa pagpapatala, kinse minutos lamang ang gugugulin n’yo doon. Pero binalewala n’yo ang pagkakataon. Ngayon, may KAPAL PA KAYO NG MUKHA at TIBAY NG SIKMURA na magreklamo dahil inabutan kayo ng deadline? Kung gusto n’yo ng pagbabago, simulan n’yo sa inyong mga sarili. Puñeta!

Elsewhere
Philippine Star’s William Esposo on Erap and GMA [Note: Before you could even accuse me of being self-serving, sige, aamin na ko. Hahaha You’ll find out later why.] Thanks Mr. Chair Wrecker!

Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros on Chiz Escudero, Danding Cojuangco, and political parties

Unlike Esposo and De Quiros, Manila Standard Today’s editor in chief Jojo Robles is apparently not a fan of Noynoy Aquino

Note: A couple of readers have emailed me asking the rationale behind Sen. Manny Villar’s “last words.” I’d like to know if you didn’t get it as well. Why did Villar utter, “60?” Leave your guesses at the comments section.





CALAMITOUS

3 10 2009

satellite State of Calamity
As typhoon Pepeng pummels Northern Luzon, President Arroyo places the entire country under a state of calamity. Gilbert Teodoro’s campaign goes nationwide.

Price Control
With the declaration of a state of calamity, price control will also take effect… delighting Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo who really enjoys shopping during stormy weather.

mikey_wine Mikey: “It wasn’t me!”
Calling the accusation malicious, Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo has denied Facebook reports that he was photographed buying liquor at the height of tropical storm Ondoy last week. In another news dismissed by Arroyo as totally unrelated, the Office of the Ombudsman has issued a memorandum prohibiting the release of pictures of government officials without their consent.

Philippines Flooding Evacuation Centers
Did you see the hundreds, if not thousands of people who were pushing and yanking one another just to get food from TV stations? Where in the world were Congressmen Danilo Suarez and Martin Romualdez when we needed them most?

JIL Cancels Celebration
Presidential hopeful Bro. Eddie Villanueva announced that the 31st anniversary celebration of the Jesus is Lord Movement tomorrow has been called off in respect for the devastation brought by tropical storm “Ondoy” last week. Instead, the preacher and his disciples plan to feed the hungry victims of the storm – five million of them, to be exact.

croc Croc in Floodwaters?
Reports say a Pasig City resident named Michael Lambert photographed a crocodile as it swam in murky floodwaters during the onslaught of tropical storm Ondoy. In a statement issued immediately after the report came out, Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo claimed he never left home during the storm.

Meralco and Blackouts
The Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company (Meralco) denied rumors it was shutting off power due to typhoon Pepeng. No, it won’t. Lest you forget, Meralco brownouts happen only whenever GMA 7 pilots a Marian Rivera telefantasya.

jomasison In Other News…
Communist leader Jose Maria Sison is rejoicing after his name was taken out of the terror list of the European Union. To celebrate his victory, Ka Joma’s NPA comrades are torching five Globe cell sites this month.

Lucky Ombudsman
The House Committee on Justice recently junked the impeachment complaint filed against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. As a gesture of gratitude to the congressmen, Gutierrez is issuing a memorandum circular categorizing SALNs of public officials as highly-classified government documents.
_______
“Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then, until death itself comes, no calamity need be feared.”
~Sun Tzu

Survey Says
Who will win the UAAP men’s basketball championship?
Ateneo Blue Eagles: 40%
UE Red Warriors: 13%
I am not interested: 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
OCTOBER 6, 2009:
Mr. Lito Banayo has apologized for re-printing in his column a portion of my September 28 blog post. Apology accepted.

trapo_rin Briefly Noted
Even leftist solons have gone the trapo way! Bayan Muna’s Teddy Casiño, Gabriela’s Liza Largoza-Maza and the moderate Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel of Akbayan have started airing their premature political ads on AM radio. What a shame!

Briefly Noted, Too
If ABS-CBN’s DZMM is perceived to be pro-Noynoy Aquino, MBC’s DZRH is obviously supporting Manny Villar. Listen to its primetime newscast and you will notice its shameless promotion of Mr. S&T.

Briefly Noted III
ABS-CBN featured only the heroics of their talents during the onslaught of tropical storm Ondoy. GMA 7 highlighted only their own artists’ good Samaritan efforts. Even during a disaster, the network war is alive. Nakakasawa na!

Stay safe people and have a productive weekend!

Note: This particular post has been installed with an anti-plagiarism device. Reprint at your own risk.





THE AFTERMATH

30 09 2009

2 GMA and “Ondoy”
Around 1 AM last Sunday, President Arroyo toured some parts of eastern Metro Manila where villages and barangays got submerged in floodwaters. For the first time in years, Mrs. Arroyo realized how low that portion of the metro was. The only thing lower… was her trust rating.

GMA and “Ondoy” II
President Arroyo and her Cabinet agreed Tuesday to donate their salaries for two months to victims of tropical storm “Ondoy.” Also doing his share to help typhoon victims is Cong. Mikey Arroyo who has volunteered to gather gifts and donations… by re-marrying his wife Angela this weekend.

PHILIPPINES FLOODING GMA and “Ondoy” III
President Arroyo has ordered the implementation of preemptive measures as another tropical storm threatens to pummel Manila and Luzon this week. In particular, Mrs. Arroyo wanted to see three things in place before the next typhoon enters the country: food & water, evacuation centers, and Richard Gutierrez.

Free Calls from PLDT
Manny Pangilinan’s PLDT Group has set up ‘Libreng Tawag’ centers to enable communities devastated by typhoon “Ondoy” to make free calls. There will be phone booths in every Libreng Tawag center. But calls will have a time limit. If a caller refuses to give up his booth, Erap will send 10 armed men to force him into giving up his booth to PLDT.

Erap to the Rescue
Entertainment editor Ricky Lo thanked former president Joseph Estrada for rescuing his sister and nieces who were trapped in their flooded residence at a village in San Juan. When Erap got Ricky’s call for help, he immediately sent three modern flotation devices: Jinggoy, Jude, and JV.

Ondoy’s Wrath
The National Disaster Coordinating Council says damages caused by tropical storm “Ondoy” has peaked at P4.79 billion. Analysts believe the country is about to witness the costliest reconstruction efforts in recent history, next only to the reconstruction of Vicki Belo, Madam Auring, and Ellen Lising.

Philippines Flooding The Queen Condoles
Queen Elizabeth II of England has extended her sympathies to the victims of tropical storm ‘Ondoy’ in the Philippines. The Queen said Britons were horrified when they saw the news on CNN. It was like staring at Camilla Parker Bowles’ photos for 10 straight minutes.
________
“One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.”
~ Arnold H. Glasgow

Elsewhere…
GMA News.TVDatabase of missing persons

NDCC’s list of impassable roads as of September 30, 2009

Just Asking
Would ABS-CBN’s “Sagip Kapamilya” project extend help to distressed loyal Kapuso viewers?

Survey Says
Should Sen. Noynoy Aquino undergo a makeover as suggested by his sister, Kris?
NO, and please Kris, just shut the “f” up!: 53%
YES, He badly needs one: 27%
I Don’t Care: 20%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Tropical storm Pepeng is on its way to the Philippines. Make sure your cell phones are fully charged. Stay safe. And thanks for the vote!





SIDEKICK

20 09 2009

villar-st
Villar’s Running Mate
Liberal Party stalwart Franklin Drilon says presidential aspirant Manny Villar is running out of options for vice president. But Villar’s staunch ally, Gilbert Remulla dismissed Drilon’s observation and said, “Si Senador Villar mauubusan ng VP?!? Hello!?! Kung gusto n’yo doblehin pa niya eh!”

Villar’s Running Mate II
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, presidential aspirant Manny Villar will choose either Senator Francis Escudero or Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, or even Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay as possible vice presidential candidate. Villar is reportedly looking for a running mate who has the most experience, and the least asking price.

Villar’s Running Mate III
Presidential aspirant Manny Villar’s running mate is reportedly a choice among three people: Chiz Escudero, Jinggoy Estrada, and Jejomar Binay. The good, the bad, and the …mayor. [Ang sama ng iniisip n'yo!]

Mar and Noy _9.03 It’s Noynoy and Mar!
Sen. Mar Roxas has accepted Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s invitation to run as his vice-president. Roxas says he will make the official announcement at Club Filipino today, September 21 because it’s a historic day. In fact, there will be two major announcements: One, that Roxas has finally decided to run for vice president, and two, that Korina Sanchez has finally decided to give way to Shalani Soledad.

Estrada vs. Lacson
Reports say deposed president Joseph Estrada is ready to listen to the second privilege speech of Sen. Panfilo Lacson scheduled tomorrow, September 22 . To give you an idea how well prepared Estrada is for the second speech, his lawyers have already drafted a second libel complaint against the Inquirer.

eraplibel Top 5 Predicted Surprises in Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s Second Privilege Speech About Former President Joseph Estrada

No. 5:

No. 4:

No. 3:

No. 2:

And the No. 1 predicted surprise in Senator Lacson’s second privilege speech about former president Joseph Estrada…

No. 1:

amikey In Other News…
House committee on energy chairman and Pampanga Rep. Mikey Arroyo assured there would be no blackout during the 2010 elections. Asked by reporters how sure he was, he replied, “Nagdududa kayo? Then, sue me!”

Noli Heckled
Of course you’ve heard the news. Vice President Noli De Castro had an outburst last week when leftist protesters interrupted his speech during the awarding of land titles to homeless people in Los Baños, Laguna . He refused to apologize to the protesters whose leader was later identified as Kanye West.
________
“There is nothing so likely to produce peace as to be well prepared to meet the enemy.”
~George Washington

Elsewhere…
Newsbreak asks “Is Bayani Fernando gearing up for legal battle?”

Philippine Sunday Inquirer’s editorial on Lakas CMD-Kampi standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro

Survey Says
On Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s exposé on former President Estrada:
I believe him: 76%
Lies!: 7%
Let me study the allegations further: 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





LIMERICKS

8 09 2009

LIMERICK
Mikey Arroyo’s Millions
A man named Mikey was on TV
He tried to explain why he’s wealthy
“It’s from our sponsors,
And campaign donors!”
Whateverrr! says Mareng Winnie

Mar Roxas’ Political Advertisements
Mar was brave, Mar was decisive
But his TV ads were repulsive
“Ako na iho,
Ramdam ko kayo”
The outburst of disgust was massive.

The Friendship of Mar Roxas and Noynoy Aquino
There were two best friends, Mar and Noynoy
One was pushy, the other was coy
Mar said, “I’m quitting.”
Noy said, “I’m praying.”
People wondered: was that just a ploy?

The Ex-Future First Lady
There was once a woman named Koring
RP’s First Lady in the making
‘Til Mar said “I quit
I’m sorry my sweet”
Then she went berserk and crying.

Ronaldo Puno’s Ambition
There was once a man named Ronaldo
Who fixed poll results for Tabako
These days, he’s got a plan
Next year will be his turn
So be alarmed Noli De Castro!

Ode to Senate’s Richest
There was once a rich man named Manny
Who got linked to a controversy
He denied the charge
He condemned the purge
And told his pups, “Just speak for me.”

The Deputy National Security Adviser
A fellow named Chavit beats his wife
Causing their family much strife
Tortured her lover
Exposed his boner
And claims, he in fact saved her life! (WTF!)

A Senator’s Fatherly Advice
A woman named Kris told her Kuya
Remain single please, for Joshua
Ping Lacson protested:
“Shalani’s educated
And she never had chlamydia!”
_________
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
~Isaac Newton





HOLY WEAK!

7 04 2009

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

_________
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds





GMA AT 62

5 04 2009

birthdaygirl
Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

______________________
“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!








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