KRISSY/CHIZZY

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

Share this on Facebook and Twitter:
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]

CRIMINAL MINDS

Singson Update
Today, January 26, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson will be arraigned in Hong Kong for a drug offense. The embattled congressman is expected to enter a plea of “set up.”

Carjack Suspects
Alleged carjack ringleaders Raymond and Roger Dominguez of Bulacan have faced a total of 28 criminal charges in various courts in Bulacan and Pampanga since 2007. Of those cases, 20 were for repeated car theft… otherwise known as “clueless police syndrome.”

Raymond Dominguez has surrendered to authorities. He hopes to enter into a plea bargain agreement with government prosecutors soon.

Starlet Katrina Paula defended her boyfriend Raymond saying he is not a carjacker. With 20 car theft cases, hindi carjacker? Eh ano siya, car enthusiast?

Q&A
101 Answers to the Question “Carnapper ka?”
No. 32: “Heller! Matagal na kong nag-resign sa LTO ‘noh!”

No. 23: “Anong carnapper ang pinagsasasabi mo jan?! Starlet ako. ‘Yong boyfriend ko ang carnapper.”

No. 13: “Ang bilis mo namang makalimot General! Para namang wala tayong pinagsamahan.”

No. 31: “Ssssh, ano ka ba?! Ang ingay mo! Baka marinig tayo ni Speaker, start na yata ang session.”

No. 52: “Carnapper? OA ka naman. Holduppper lang! Taas ang kamay holdup ‘to!”

No. 25: “Recreationally.”

No. 43: “Minsan. Kapag walang duty sa presinto.”

No. 34: “Eh ba’t nagrereklamo ka? Kung sina mayor at hepe nga ‘di umaangal, ikaw pa!”

No. 61: “Grabe ka namang manghusga. Ikaw nga eh. ‘Di ba dati kang congressman?”

Not True
DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo ruled out any destabilization attempt against the government using the recent carjacking incidents. Robredo also dismissed rumors the carjacking of Margarita Fores’ Land Cruiser and the appointment of Atty. Sixto Brillantes to the Comelec were aimed at destabilizing the Liberal Party.

Garcia (Not) Missing
On Monday, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said former AFP comptroller Carlos F. Garcia – who is close to revealing his “principals” (in a corruption case) from the previous administration, was missing… to which former Arroyo PMS chief Mike Defensor said, “Eh ba’t ganyan kayo makatingin?”

According to Senator Trillanes, ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia cannot go to the United States because the US government is hostile to him. In fact, the US is more hostile to him than local authorities.

Snubbed
DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s request for a meeting with Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay on the city’s peace and order situation was turned down. The peace and order situation in the city is okay. The peace and order situation between Samar and Balay is not.

Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay told the press Monday he turned down DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo’s request for a meeting on the city’s peace and order situation saying police efficiency in Makati is efficient. Less than 24 hours later, a bus exploded along Epifanio delos Santos Avenue (Edsa) in Makati City killing five and wounding 13 others. Efficient nga.

Bombed!
Five persons died while 13 others were injured when a bomb exploded inside a bus along Edsa in Makati City Tuesday. I just hope that the police would conduct a deeper probe, and not pin this one on the Dominguez brothers.

A “bomb” exploded inside a passenger bus along Edsa in Makati City Tuesday. And Claire De La Fuente was like, “Don’t even dare give me that look!”

Briefly Noted: MAXIMO PELIGRO – the driver of the Newman Goldliner bus that was hit by an explosion.

Rehab
Reports say actor Baron Geisler has selected a rehab center where he’ll stay for 90 days. Geisler handpicked the undisclosed facility for its accessibility, spacious rooms, and chubby female attendants.

Cebu Pac Milestone
Local carrier Cebu Pacific Air boasted of reaching its 50 millionth passenger recently. Rumors say the 50 million mark was actually achieved last December but, out of force of habit, delayed ang announcement. After all, Cebu Pacific is Cebu Pacific.

Plastics Ban
The Metro Manila Development Authority encourages local government leaders to follow Muntinlupa City’s example, and ban plastics… prompting a howl of protest from Vicki Belo, Ellen Lising, and Dr. Pie Calayan.

USTe’s Quatercentenary
The University of Santo Tomas is 400 years old. Recognizing UST’s contribution to the Philippine society, President Aquino stated, “To Asia’s oldest academic institution, congratulations!” Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo added, “To my father’s alma mater, mabuhay!” And Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa aking kababata, happy birthday!”

UST turns 400 years old on Jan. 28. If a movie about the school is made for this year’s MMFF, it could win two major awards.

UST has just turned 400 years old. And Senator Loren Legarda was like, “Hmmm, interesting.”

Oscar Snub
The nominees for this year’s Academy Awards will be announced tonight (Manila time). Last week, we’ve learned that the Philippines’ “Noy” wasn’t shortlisted for Best Foreign Language Film. But Filipinos are not losing hope. In fact, we have selected a possible entry for next year’s Best Picture competition no less. Take a look.

And this just in: the nominees in this year’s Oscars. Click here.
———————-
“The trouble with the laws these days is that criminals know their rights better than their wrongs.”
~Author Unknown

Missing, Inaction
Sa gitna ng sunud-sunod na isyung may kinalaman sa kriminalidad, ang tanong ng bayan: where in hell is DILG undersecretary for police matters, and presidential powerpuff boy Rico E. Puno? According to deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte, he is “on official business” (quoting his staff). Another source told me however he’s attending a shooting event in the US. If it’s true, have fun pero balik ka ‘agad. Maraming naghahanap sa ‘yo!

Breaking News
A reliable source says ABS-CBN Sports will broadcast the games of the NBA starting next month! Kung hei fat deal! Bye, bye Solar Sports. Let’s go Lakers!

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang ibalik ang parusang kamatayan sa mga heinous crimes?
- DAPAT lang! 62.36%
- NO. Hindi ‘yan effective. 31.07%
- Pag-iisipan ko muna. 6.58%

Share this on Facebook and Twitter:
For a regular dose of insanity, follow me here.