BRAWLS

9 05 2012


FORMER PRESIDENT Joseph Estrada has transferred to his new home in Manila. An hour later, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim was spotted spray-painting the new house with the words, “Hindi taga-Maynila. Huwag tularan.”

Ex-president Joseph Estrada has left his residence in San Juan. Aboard his famous jeep, an emotional Erap was heard shouting, “That’s all Polk!”

Former president Joseph Estrada is preparing for his mayoral bid in Manila. Meanwhile, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is preparing his concession speech to Estrada.

NAIA Brawl
Cebu Pacific released a statement saying it was saddened by the incident at NAIA Terminal 3 last Sunday. The airline has been releasing “saddened” statements for years, it’s officially in a state of depression.

Budget carrier Cebu Pacific explained that a piece of Claudine Barretto’s luggage was offloaded in an effort to shed as much excess weight for the plane to clear the runway. But the airline’s ground crew got a tongue lashing from Claudine when it was revealed later that the original plan was to offload the actress.


Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto filed a case against journalist Ramon Tulfo at the Pasay City Prosecutor’s Offfice. Curious court employees left their tables to catch a glimpse of the celebrity couple. Surprisingly, nobody dared to use a cellphone to take photos of them.

The good news is TV5 has suspended brothers Erwin, Raffy, and Ben Tulfo for their “uncalled for” behavior on live TV last Monday. The bad news: They now have plenty of time to hunt down Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto.

Outspoken Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz advised Ramon Tulfo, Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto to settle their conflict diplomatically. Tulfo, Santiago and Barreto advised the bishop to keep his opinion to himself.

Senatorial aspirant and incumbent Zambales Rep. Mitos Magsaysay released a statement saying the Tulfo/Santiago/Barretto NAIA brawl could discourage tourists from traveling to the country… while similar “papansin” statements from politicians could discourage Filipinos from electing them to the Senate.

This just in: Iraq has been named the most dangerous place in the world today. In second place was NAIA Terminal 3.

Freudian Slip?
A news anchor for China Central Television stated on live TV that the Philippines is “China’s inherent territory and the Philippines belongs to Chinese sovereignty.” Oh, I see! Now that explains why the sari-sari store owner gave me 25 yuan as change this morning.

He Jia, a news anchor for China Central Television accidentally stated on live TV that the Philippines was a Chinese territory. My gad! She just revealed Beijing’s sinister plan! Prepare for war!

Loren on Politics & Love
Sen. Loren Legarda says she’s no longer interested in running for higher office. To which, ‘higher office’ said, “Thank you.”

Asked by ABS-CBN News if she’d go out with younger men, Sen. Loren Legarda said, “I’m not a cougar.” Tell us something we don’t know.

Actor/Pol in Trouble
Actor and incumbent Quezon City Councilor Roderick Paulate is facing administrative and criminal charges for allegedly hiring “ghost employees.” Avid supporters of Paulate came to his defense though, and promised the actor, “We’ll never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Together, forever!

Suspended
Controversial radio host Mohan Gumatay aka Mo Twister was suspended by Magic 89.9 for starting the “objectionable” hashtag #charicepempengcosextape on Twitter. A repentant Gumatay is expected to upload an emotional apology to Charice on YouTube.

Mo Twister has been suspended for starting the offensive hashtag #charicepempengcosextape on Twitter. In totally unrelated news, Rhian Ramos is throwing a party. #walaLang #GustoLangNiya
———————————
“We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.”
~Aesop

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
[1] “I was a virgin until I was 26 years old!”
A: Annabelle Rama
B: President Aquino
C: Amalia Fuentes
D: Cong. Jules Ledesma

[2] “Ipagdasal mo, hijo de p*ta ka! Huwag lang tayong magkita sa mall, ipagdasal mo iyan. Tumirik ka ng kandila mula ngayon, huwag mag-krus ang landas natin, p*tang-i*a ka!”
A: Ben Tulfo
B: Raffy Tulfo
C: Erwin Tulfo
D: P*tang-i*a! Eh hindi naman ako nanonood ng p*tang-in*ang show nila eh, paano ko malalaman hijo de p*ta ka!?!

You Have Spoken
Sa naganap na NAIA 3 brawl, sinong dapat sisihin?
-‘Yong mag-asawang Barretto-Santiago at si Tulfo. Dapat may kontrol sila. They’re public figures. 43.4%
– Cebu Pacific’s poor service. 29.43%
– Wala akong pakialam. Busy ako. 27.17%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answers:
[1] C
[2] B ang answer p*tang-i*a!





AYON SA MGA BITUIN (Reload)

7 12 2010

BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!


MATAGAL RING NAMAHINGA ANG MGA BITUIN.
Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Perfect!

Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

AND FINALLY…
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!

IN THE NEWS NOW…

Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Ruined?
Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Wikileaks
Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
—————————————
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Elsewhere…
Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the 'championship ring-less' LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he's on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
– Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
– Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
– Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

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Have a great week! Ingat.





STILL STANDING

12 10 2010

“I think that I shall never see
A friend lucky as this Tree.
A Tree who’s twice put to the test
Yet boss won’t let him go and rest.
Blogs are made by fools like me,
But only Noy can save a Tree.”
~“Puno” by Joyce Killjoy

“Isinusumpa ko sa harap ng Diyos at ng tao, walang iwanan pare ko.”

MALACAÑANG has spoken and it’s official. Interior Undersecretary Rico Escalona Puno is untouchable.

Malacañang said there was not enough basis to file administrative or criminal charges against Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno in connection with the August 23 hostage fiasco. Eight Hong Kong nationals were killed that day. Maybe 10 or 12 would have nailed him, right?


Rejecting the recommendation of the Incident and Investigation Review Committee (IIRC), Malacañang absolved both Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno and former PNP Chief Jesus Versoza of any administrative or criminal liabilities in connection with the August 23 hostage fiasco. That makes Puno and Versoza the “ultimate recipients” of Malacañang’s kindness.


Sanctioned
Malacañang’s legal review panel has recommended the filing of administrative charges against only eight officials in connection with the Aug. 23 hostage crisis. The eight officials represent the eight Hong Kong nationals killed.

Robredo and Puno
It’s confirmed! President Aquino met with Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo and Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno Sunday night, October 10. The meeting started calmly with the President telling Puno and Robredo, “No hitting below the belt, no head-butting, no kicking.”

Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo and Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno met with President Aquino Sunday night. According to Robredo, it was a “very cordial meeting.” In fact, when Puno and the President started talking about guns, Robredo acted as if he was interested.

According to Secretary Jesse Robredo, he met with President Aquino and Interior Undersecretary Puno last Sunday in Bahay Pangarap… totally dispelling rumors they were sighted that same night at the Elorde Gym.

Secretary Jesse Robredo said his meeting with President Aquino and Undersecretary Puno last Sunday night “went well for all parties.” In fact, when the meeting was over, Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa said, “Let’s drink to that!”

President Aquino revealed that he has ordered Local Government Secretary Robredo and Interior Undersecretary Puno to start “acting as one.” The two officials admitted it was hard to act but they’ll try.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Meeting of President Aquino, Sec. Jesse Robredo and Usec. Rico Puno

No. 5: “Group hug nga, group hug. One… two… three. Bromance!”

No. 4: “’Sensya na Mr. Executive Secretary. Hindi pa ba tapos ang yosi break nina Usec Puno at Presidente? Thirty minutes na sila sa labas ah.”

No. 3: “Ssssh, atin-atin lang ‘to Jesse huh. ‘Di naman sa pagyayabang, pero kahit magsama-sama pa kayong lahat, ‘di ako matitinag. The President and I share secrets! O, ayan na pala siya eh. ‘Tol, musta pare dude!? Okay ka lang ba bro?”

No. 2: “My pareng Rico is not receiving any jueteng payola. Kung gusto mong magkasundo tayo. ‘yan ang laging tandaan mo. Maliwanag?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the meeting of President Aquino, Secretary Robredo and Undersecretary Enrico Puno…

“Ito, air pistol. Ito namang isa, air rifle. Sige, hawakan mo Secretary nang matuto ka.”

Isko Spared
Malacañang says there’s no legal basis to file any case against Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno. Instead, they commended him for acting president during the hostage crisis.

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno has been cleared by the palace’ legal review panel. Do you remember when Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim said, “Ang pakiusap ko lang ho, alisin n’yo na lang si Vice Mayor Isko Moreno sa idedemanda. Ako na lang ho ang idemanda n’yo?” Well, request granted!

No criminal charges will be filed against Manila Mayor Alfred Lim. However, he was admonished for his “ham acting” in front of the media. (“Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! Remember that! (suntok sa mesa) Pulis lang!”)

Tulfo and Rogas, Too
Malacañang did not recommend the filing of charges against RMN’s Michael Rogas and Erwin Tulfo. However, Tulfo was reprimanded for his fake American accent during the IIRC hearing.

In Other News…
Reports say President Aquino dated a certain Barbie Palagos last Saturday. Sources described the President’s date as low-key and non-showbiz who’s got a high tolerance for secondary smoke.

Maria Ressa Resigns
The reform-minded Maria Ressa has resigned from the Kapamilya network. The former CNN Jakarta Bureau chief is leaving the snake pit that is ABS-CBN. Ressa will be replaced (effective Oct. 18) by ANC’s North American bureau chief Ging Reyes, one of the bridesmaids of Korina Sanchez.

A source revealed Ressa could be “bully” sometimes but her independence, and high standards were instrumental in weeding out the corrupt and the inept in the ABS-CBN News organization. As the Inquirer said, “this earned her not a few enemies in and out of the newsroom.”

One thing’s for sure though: India Aruba, Austria Zambia, and Ghana Switzerland are now rejoicing. Early Christmas for them. Happy days are here again.

With the changing of the guards, some news executives and reporters close to Ressa could also be on their (forced) way out. Australia Armenia, will you be next? But Gambia Zaire knows for sure, “my days are numbered.”

Abangan!
—————————————–
“If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time”
~Chinese Proverb

Survey Says
Boboto ka ba sa barangay or SK elections on October 25?
– YUP! Karapatan ko ‘yon. 29.27%
– NO. Wala akong pakialam. 49.51%
– Hindi ako registered. 21.22%

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DENIALS

22 09 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Charo Santos has canceled her plan to feature the life story of DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno on the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.” The creative team is having a hard time drafting the script because, apparently, walang maalaala si Usec Puno.


The Senate Hearing
In Tuesday’s Senate hearing, DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno failed to identify the jueteng emissaries (some of whom were even his “friends”) who approached him saying he couldn’t remember any of their names. For the next hearing, the Senate plans to invite a doctor to determine if jueteng can cause amnesia.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz named DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno as one of the “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola, allegedly receiving as much as 8 million pesos a month. Sought for comment, Puno said he couldn’t remember if he got 8 million pesos or less, or if he even got any.

Amid calls for his resignation, Undersecretary Puno told reporters, “Wala pa naman akong ginagawang mali.” Well, wala ka pa ring ginagawang tama!

For those who missed Tuesday’s Senate hearing, here are some excerpts:

Senator Enrile: Sinu-sino ang mga lumapit sa ‘yo na nagtangkang makipag-set ng appointment?
Usec Puno: In passing lang naman po ang pagbanggit nila. Pero wala pong direktang pag-uusap tungkol sa jueteng.
Senator Enrile: Kaya nga! Name names!
Usec Puno: Sa sobrang dami nga po, wala na akong maalala. Basta, sobrang dami nila.

Senator Legarda: Sabi mo kanina, friends mo sila. So dapat kilala mo. Gusto naming malaman, sinu-sino sila?
Usec Puno: Actually, friends ko lang po sila sa Facebook kaya hindi ko na maalala ang mga pangalan. Talaga pong napakarami nila.
Senator Enrile: Sinu-sinong jueteng operators ang nagpadala ng emisaryo sa ‘yo?
Usec Puno: Ang dami kasi nila. Wala na rin po akong maalala.
Senator Enrile: Nakakapikon ka na! Kung cross-examination ito, talo ka na. Ako, lawyer ako. Ikaw lawyer ka ba?
Usec Puno: Hindi po. Ako po’y isang farmer.
Senator Enrile: Okay. Sige. Ito na lang ang tanong ko: anu-anong mga halaman na ang naitanim mo?
Usec Puno: Naku, sobrang dami na po. Hindi ko na maalala.
Senator Legarda: Kahit isang uri ng halaman, hindi mo na matandaan?
Usec Puno: ‘Yon nga po eh. Napakarami po nila. Talagang ‘di ko na maalala.
Senator Enrile: Sabi mo sa ANC, very close ka sa ating Pangulo at ikaw ang hingahan niya ng problema. Ang tanong ko: bakit ‘di ka kasama ni Pangulong Aquino sa Amerika?
Usec Puno: Sino po ‘yon? ‘Di ko na siya maalala.
Senator Enrile: Usec Puno, I’m reminding you that you are under oath!
Usec Puno: Talaga po?? Sorry, ‘di ko naalala.
Session Suspended.
End of transcript.


More Revelations
According to Archbishop Cruz’ report on jueteng, DILG Undersecretary Rico Puno, former PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, and retired Senior Supt. Rey Cachuela were collectively known as the “Three Kings” – which was really ironic because they’re the ones who receive gifts.

Jueteng-free?
Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda, wife of jueteng lord Bong Pineda claims there is no jueteng in her province. This woman has a future in comedy. To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Mayon Volcano in Albay.


Pangasinan Governor Amado Espino Jr., Baguio City Mayor Mauricio Domogan, and Isabela Rep. Paul Dy who were also identified by Archbishop Cruz as jueteng operators all denied the allegation and insisted that there’s no jueteng in their respective areas. Oo na! Sige na! Maniniwala na kami. Hindi totoo ang jueteng. Gawa-gawa lamang ito. Kathang-isip. Isang ilusyon. Bunga ng malikot na imahinasyon! Kabalintunaan! Walang jueteng! Wala! O, masaya na kayo?

Tony Boy’s Request
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz revealed that four days before the hearing, President Aquino’s second cousin, businessman Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco told him to “go easy” on his jueteng exposé. The archbishop said he didn’t promise to accede to Cojuangco’s request. Instead, he advised Tony Boy to tell his partner Gretchen Barretto to “go easy” on Botox.

Postscript: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz has denied rumors that before senators were given a copy of his report on jueteng, a copy was submitted first to the Chinese Embassy.


The IIRC Report
Malacañang did not release the full report of the Incident Investigation and Review Committee on the August 23 hostage crisis. But anyone who wants to have a copy of the complete report may personally go to Malacañang. Just present a Chinese passport.

The IIRC recommended the filing of charges against DILG undersecretary Enrico Puno for mishandling the August 23 hostage crisis. Sought for reaction, Puno said, “Hostage crisis? Kelan ‘yon?”


Did you see Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s outburst on TV? That was classic. Apparently, the mayor has learned a lot from his vice mayor.

Defending his deputy, Mayor Lim said, “Ang pakiusap ko lang ho, alisin n’yo na lang si Vice Mayor Isko Moreno sa idedemanda. Ako na lang ho ang idemanda n’yo.” Reacting to Lim’s statement, Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” At that moment, the blood pressure of Manila’s No. 1 councilor shot up due to excitement.

On Mayor Lim’s statement, Vice Mayor Isko Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” Dahil dyan, may nag-texxxxxt! “Akala ko ba ako lang?! Hmpf! – Kuya Germs.”

In a press conference Tuesday, a very emotional Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim contested the report of the IIRC that conducted an investigation into the August 23 hostage incident. But before members of the press could ask some questions, Lim excused himself and said, “Hindi pa kasi ako nagla-lunch.”
———————————-
“Gambling is the son of avarice and the father of despair.”
– French Proverb

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, matitigil kaya ang jueteng sa ilalim ng administrasyong Aquino?
– Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan. 15.59%
– Imposible! Sus, asa pa! 56.44%
– Legalize it na lang! 27.97%

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MISCOMMUNICATION

27 08 2010

Postscript to a Hostage Crisis
Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio Coloma on Thursday expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang telephoned President Aquino at the height of the hostage crisis last Monday. But Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that Chang did call the President. It turned out though that President Aquino’s aide did not inform him about the call because when he answered the phone and said, “Hello? How may I help you?,” Tsang’s aide replied, “May we talk to President Isko Moreno?”

Secretary Herminio Coloma expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang called up President Aquino last Monday. But fellow Communications Group Secretary Ricky Carandang said Tsang did call the President. Malacañang has since vowed to fix the communication problem between Hong Kong and Manila… as soon as it has fixed the communication problem between Carandang and Coloma.

Secretary Herminio Coloma said former President Arroyo was also to blame for Monday’s bloody hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand in Manila. But we’re not sure yet if that’s the official stand of Malacañang until we’ve heard from Secretary Ricky Carandang.

Reports say former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo wrote two letters to the Chinese Prime Minister, and to the Hong Kong chief executive. One was to extend her condolences over the death of Hong Kong nationals in a hostage drama, and the other to defend herself from Herminio Coloma.

In Thursday’s Senate hearing, Manila Police District director on leave Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay revealed that it was Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim who ordered the arrest of SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, the hostage-taker’s brother. But Lim was quick to deny Magtibay’s claim. Malacañang believes though it was GMA who ordered it.

This just in! A recent survey showed that President Noynoy Aquino is now the most unpopular Philippine president ever… in Hong Kong.

Following Monday’s bungled rescue of hostages, President Aquino has been at the receiving end of slanderous and defamatory Facebook posts, comments, insults, and swear words. The President says it feels like the campaign season once again.

President Aquino has been repeatedly bashed, insulted, lambasted, mocked, and berated by Hong Kong Chinese nationals and fellow Filipinos as well on his Facebook Like Page. The President admits he has never experienced such “below the belt attacks” – since Manny Villar conceded the presidential race.

Last Wednesday, President Aquino started to ban slanderous and defamatory posts, comments, insults, and swear words from his Facebook Like Page – the same thing that his sister Kris has been doing 24/7 since she joined the site.

The President & Tsang
Unauthenticated Tapped Telephone Conversations [Translated in Filipino]

[Phone ringing]
Baby, baby, baby, ooooh
Like baby, baby, baby noooo

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss ko, boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ka?
Male 2: Ako, aide Donald Tsang, Hong Kong chief executive.
Male 1: Busy ang boss ko.
Male 2: Totoo ba sabi mo? Hindi pwede abala kahit two minute? Sabi mo galit boss ko. Galit Donald Tsang.
Male 1: ‘Di nga puwede eh! May closed-door meeting. Tawag ka na lang ulit.
Male 2: Ikaw bahala. Kayo bahala. Basta ako tawag boss mo. Ikaw, ayaw bigay telepono.
Male 1: Ang kulit mo! Bye na nga!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
Too much love will kill you
If you can’t make up your mind
Torn between the lover

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ‘to?
Male 2: Ako aide Donald Tsang, chief executive Hong Kong
Male 1: Weh?
Male 2: Ako sabi totoo. Donald Tsang akyen boss. Siya gusto kausap presidente Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ikaw ba ‘yong tumawag sa kasama ko kanina?
Male 2: Oo. Siya sama ugali. Ayaw bigay telepono presidente.
Male 1: Naku! Wala pang info ang aming presidente. Wala pa siyang masasabi sa boss mo.
Male 2: Basta bigay mo telepono iyo presidente. Galit na talaga Donald Tsang.
Male 1: Sus! ‘Di ka talaga makaintindi ‘no? Tatawag na lang si presidente sa boss mo. Nasa meeting pa nga kasi siya. Tell Mr. Tsang, relax. Okay?
Male 2: Kayo talaga tigas ulo. Bahala kayo buhay n’yo. Ako bigay na warning. Masama magalit si Tsang. Masama magalit tao Hong Kong! Bye!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
I want nobody, nobody but you
I want nobody, nobody but you
Nandaru a shiro
Niga animon shiro

Male 1: Ni3 hao3! ?
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, ‘musta na po kayo?
Male 1: Ikaw sino? Bago tenga ko dinig boses mo.
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, si President Noynoy Aquino po ng Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ako galit iyo! Hong Kong galit iyo. Ikaw hindi kausap akin. Ako dalawa beses tawag, ikaw wala sagot kahit isa!

Male 2: Mr. Tsang, humihingi po ako ng paumanhin sa inyo. Kasalanan ko po ang nangyari.
Male 1: Saka bakit iba iba sabi iyo spokesperson. Sabi Coloma, ako hindi tawag. Sabi Carandang ako tawag. Loko-loko tao mo. Loko-loko Coloma na yan. Gawin pa ko sinungaling.
Male 2: Kaya nga po personal na akong tumawag sa inyo para magpaliwanag. Nagkaroon lang po ng miscommunication sa aking Communications Group. Inaayos na namin para hindi na maulit ang ganitong problema.

Male 1: Di ko tanggap iyo rason. Basa ko diyaryo sabi ikaw hindi katok aide mo. Hintay ako telepono. Hintay ako hintay! Tapos na Miss Universe, ako hintay pa rin! Pero aide mo ayaw ikaw katok meeting mo! Ano klase ka Pangulo?
Male 2: ‘Yon nga po. Nagpapakumbaba po ako sa pangyayari. Rest assured, magiging bukas ang linya ng komunikasyon ng Maynila sa anumang concern ninyo diyan sa Hong Kong. Anumang maitutulong namin, iparating n’yo lang po sa inyong kinatawan dito sa Pilipinas!

Male 1: Melon pa ko hindi gusto iyo gawa. Ikaw ngiti. Ikaw smile press con. Ikaw tawa doon crime scene. Hindi gusto tao Hong Kong iyo facial expression.
Male 2: Katulad nga po ng nasabi ko, hindi ko po sinasadya sakaling mapangiti man po ako. Alam ko pong napakasakit ng mga pangyayari kaya pasensya na po sakaling iba ang interpretasyon n’yo sa aking mga ngiti. Wala po akong intensyong makasakit.

Male 1: Tao dito Hong Kong galit iyo pulis, galit iyo rescue team. Sila wala silbi. Sila rescue gamit palakol. Kami duda na iyo pulis, sila tama baril sa amin turista. Ikaw imbestiga mabuti.
Male 2: Pati po ‘yan iniimbestigahan na namin. Kaya nga po merong kinatawan ang Hong Kong Police para masigurong magiging patas ang pagsisiyasat namin.

Male 1: Habang kayo siyasat hostage crisis, kami bawal travel Pilipinas. Ako utos Hong Kong citizens, bawal tourist to Manila. Delikado. Baka hostage ulit.
Male 2: Nauunawaan ko po kayo. Pero inuulit ko po, isolated incident lamang ito. Sanga pala, kailan puwedeng magtungo diyan ang high-level delegation ng aming bansa?
Male 1: Naku! Hindi ko alam sagot diyan. Kayo paalam muna Beijing, China. Kasi Beijing tampo iyo pulis.

Male 2: Ah, sige po. Maghihintay na lang kami. Makikiusap po sana ako sa inyo. Bahala na po kayo sa aming mga kababayan diyan sa Hong Kong.
Male 1: Wala naman sila problema. Meron iba amo Hong Kong, galit pero sila hindi saktan Pinay helper. Pinay helper husay linis. Sila the best. Wag ka alala, protektahan sila Hong Kong government.
Male 2: Maraming, maraming salamat Mr. Tsang. And again, on behalf of the Philippine government, kami ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa nangyaring insidente noong Lunes.
Male 1: Wala problema. Ngayon, bawas na akyen galit iyo.
Male 2: Thank you ho talaga.

Male 1: Isa pa isyu gusto ko tanong iyo. Bakit iyo kongreso adik?
Male 2: Huh?
Male 1: Sabi ko, bakit iyo kongreso dala droga dito amin Hong Kong? Ako refer Ronald Singson.
Male 2: Ahhh, hindi naman po lahat ng kongresista namin ganyan. Tinatalakay na rin po ng House ethics committee ang kaso ni Congressman Singson.
Male 1: Hindi iyan gusto ko sagot mo. Gusto ko sagot mo bakit siya lusot airport security? Talaga ba tanga iyo pulis?
Male 2: Under investigation na rin po ‘yan. Humihingi rin po ako ng paumanhin sa pagkakamali ng aming kinatawan.

Male 1: Bago ko baba telepono, ako may isa ako hiling iyo.
Male 2: Ano po ‘yon?
Male 1: Ako send iyo Facebook request. Ikaw puwede approve?
Male 2: Walang problema Mr. Tsang. Hahaha.
Male 1: O, bakit ikaw tawa na naman. Tao Hong Kong magagalit ulit iyo.
Male 2: Ooops sorry Mr. Tsang. Natuwa lang po ako sa pagiging diplomatic n’yo.
Male 1: Sige, ako dami pa asikaso trabaho. Sabi mo tao mo, sabi mo Coloma, siya isip muna bago salita. Huwag siya sinungaling. Saka sabi mo, usap sila Carandang para hindi iba iba statement. Ikaw sabi iyo pulis sila training. Wag sila tanga-tanga. Oki?
Male 2: Makakarating po Mr. Tsang.

Male 1: Ako meron isa pahabol. Puwede sabi mo thank you para akyen Congresswoman, dati iyo pangulo Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo? Siya send sulat akyen at isa sulat prime minister China. Siya mabait akyen.
Male 2: Ahmmm…
Male 1: Ikaw, wag na isip. Sige, ako galit ulit.
Male 2: Oki. Oki. Hayyyy.
Male 1: Xie xie. Zài jiàn!
[End of conversation]
——————————————
“Diplomacy in general does not resolve conflicts. Wars end not due to peace processes, but due to one side giving up.”
~Daniel Pipes

Survey Says
Ano ang assessment mo sa naging partisipasyon ng media sa Manila hostage crisis?
-TAMA LANG. Kailangang ma-inform ang publiko. 7.7%
-PARTLY to blame ang media. Baka nakatulong ang news blackout. 90.7%
-HINDI KO alam ang nangyari. Ano ba? 1.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend!

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GIFTS

18 05 2009

BALIKAT
Balikatan Fund Controversy
Senate President Juan Ponce-Enrile says the Senate is not keen on investigating the alleged misuse of the budget allotted to the Balikatan military exercises… unless the whistleblower links Sen. Manny Villar to the fund mess.

Politics of Hate
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde appealed to the country’s political leaders, particularly presidential aspirants to end the “politics of hate.” That’s exactly what Mar Roxas had in mind when he decided to use “love” to advance his political agenda.

Aung San Suu Kyi
Foreign Affairs Secretary Alberto Romulo has appealed to Myanmar’s military junta to release from house arrest Nobel laureate and democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyi. To prove its sincerity, the Philippine government has offered to help fast-track Suu Kyi’s release by sending to Myanmar – Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office.

Lim & Manila’s Elderly
Mayor Alfredo Lim says starting this May, senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive gifts from the city government. The package includes Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Lim initiated the project after receiving reports that a number of elderly persons in Manila have started to relocate to neighboring Makati.

Starting May 2009, Manila’s elderly will receive gifts from the city government. When an unidentified old man heard this, he exclaimed, “Thank you Mayor Lim! Thank you Unilever! Thank you 2010 elections!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim has just announced his newest project: senior citizens in Manila who are celebrating their birthday shall receive Unilever products, PhP3,000 in cash, and college scholarship for their children and grand children. Now that the program is in progress, he can now focus on his new project: a TV ad.

matanda
Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s Latest Project in Manila

No. 5: “Isang balot na ligaya kapalit ng isang balota.”

No. 4: “Kapag termino’y natapos, regalo ay ubos!”

No. 3: “Suyuin ang matatanda habang maaga! Pigilan ang pagbalik ng pamilya Atienza!”

No. 2: “Ganito kami sa Tondo. Sana ganito rin sa buong mundo!”

And the No. 1 rejected slogan for Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s latest project in Manila…

“Hindi lamang sa Makati may nabobola! May puwede ring utuin dito sa Manila!”

katrina-hayden Video Scandal
Another scandalous video involving actress Katrina Halili and Hayden “Careless Whisper” Kho has reportedly surfaced! But here’s the strange thing about it: the scandal took place inside a Comelec rest room!

Light Bites
Q: What has three wheels and flies?
A: A pedicab carrying shit

Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: The shit appears on TV during lunchtime

Q: What do you get when you put Manny Villar in a glass of water?
A: Orange juice!

Q: What do you get when you put Jejomar Binay in a glass of water?
A: A chocolate drink!

Q: What do you get when you put Panfilo Lacson in a glass of water?
A: A gunshot wound.

LBC Elsewhere…
Here are two versions (1) Remittance (2) Affordable – of the controversial LBC TV ad that has generated outrage from various sectors like Migrante International for “falsely educating” children about the sacrifices of OFWs. The ads were created by ASPAC/LAW Advertising Agency.

The geniuses of Aspac could learn a thing or two from the people behind a series of similar advertisements shown on US television a couple of years back. Here it is.

Manila Standard Today’s Vic Agustin has an item on the controversial YouTube video showing the father of a poll automation bidder inside a Comelec restroom.

Lastly, this may be a bit late, but I want to share a really nice piece titled “Systems” written by Conrad De Quiros for the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
____________
“To drive men from independence to live on alms, is itself great cruelty.”
~Edmund Burke








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