TOUGH LUCK

7 04 2011


SUMMER NA! Bakasyon na ang mga estudyante. Malapit na rin ang Holy Week. Dahil d’yan, maging ang mga bituing gumagabay sa mga pulitiko at taong-gobyerno ay nasa vacation mode na rin. Pero bago sila mag-break, narito muna ang kanilang payo at babala sa ilang personalidad sa lipunan.

President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag ituring na setback ang latest heartbreak. Sanayan lang ‘yan. May ibang babae para sa ‘yo. Ang problema nga lang: baka hindi ikaw ang lalaki para sa kanila. Bahala na.

Sa kalusugan: Ayaw ka naming takutin pero ayon sa pag-aaral, ang average smoker ay umaabot lamang sa edad na 69. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Tigilan mo na ‘yan.

Sa trabaho: Paramdam ka pa nang konti. Lagi na lang si Binay eh.

Lucky Tip of the Day: Huwag hayaang makawala ang suwerte. Isara ang bibig kapag ‘di naman nagsasalita.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio

Sa pamilya: So far, so good. Lahat ng sinimulan mo sa Makati City, ipinagpapatuloy ng iyong unico ijo. And when we say lahat, we mean lahat! Tuloy ang maliligayang araw.

Sa trabaho: Umanin ka! You are so enjoying this. Ikaw na ang maging bida sa balita araw-araw! Nangangamoy 2016 na!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini

Sa kalusugan: Tataas ang blood pressure mo. Hinay-hinay lang sa pagkain ng adobo’t embotido.

Sa trabaho: Tama ang desisyon mong tanggihan ang alok ng isang giant network na mag-host ng isang cooking show. Hindi kasi ito magri-rate.

Sa pamilya: Isang teen actor ang magki-claim na ikaw ang tatay niya. Huwag maniwala sa kanya. Hindi mo siya anak. Ewan ko lang ‘yong kapatid niya.

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Birth: Unknown
Sign: Delikado!

Sa pag-ibig: Itigil ang ilusyong crush ka pa rin ni Rudy Fariñas hanggang ngayon. Hindi bagay sa ‘yo ang mag-blush. Ang sagwa eh.

Sa trabaho: Ay, meron ba? May ginagawa ka? In fairness, hindi halata.

Sa kalusugan: Habang papalapit ang iyong impeachment trial, magkakaroon ka ng insomnia. Ganyan talaga kapag ayaw patulugin ng konsensya.

Lt. General Jacinto Ligot
Birth: Won’t tell
Sign: Won’t tell

Sa kalusugan: Kakapitan ka ng isang rare disease. Ito ang tinatawag na “Kris Aquino Syndrome.” Kapag ipinatawag ka ng Senado, lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay mo, mabaho man o mabango ay isisiwalat mo sa publiko. Panalo!

Sa trabaho: Hindi na kailangan. Sa laki ng nakamal mong salapi, mag-relax ka na lang. Kapal ng mukha lang ang kailangan.

Sa pag-ibig: Bantayan ang galaw ng iyong misis. Kilalanin ang kanyang dance instructor. Magsaliksik at alamin rin ang kahulugan ng terminong “cougar.”

Willie Revillame
Birth: January 27, 1961
Sign: Aquarius

Sa trabaho: Wala ka talagang kadala-dala. Bitbit mo pa rin sa Singko ang mga natutunan mo sa kabila. Magbago ka na!

Sa pag-ibig: Huwag nang umasa sa babaeng pinopormahan mo ngayon. Kahit langit at buwan pa ang iregalo mo d’yan, hindi ka niya magugustuhan. Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka niya type!

Manuel V. Pangilinan
PLDT Chairman

Birth: July 14, 1946
Sign: Cancer

Sa trabaho: Patuloy na mag-iingay ang ilang kongresista at kukuwestyunin ang acquisition ng PLDT Group sa Digitel/Sun Cellular. Well, dating gawi. Simulan mo na ang pagkukuwenta. Magkano ba sila?

Sa pag-ibig: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka. Huwag intindihin ang mga tsimoso’t tsismosa. Hindi mo kasalanan kung “can afford” ka. Inggit lang sila.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard
Birth: No records available
Sign: 1/4 Ophiucus , 3/4  Unidentifiable

Sa pagsasalita: Engaging ka. In fact, your histrionics unite people. Kapag napapanood ka nila, sama-sama at sabay-sabay silang nagmumura!

Sa pagiging ina: You’re incomparable.

Sa takbo ng pag-iisip: You’re irreparable.

AT SUMAINYO ang isa na namang edisyon ng mga hula at babala ng mga bituin. Kung nais n’yong malaman ang inyong sariling kapalaran, right click here.

German or Jewish?
The Department of Health says 90 percent of Filipino men are circumcised. The rest have partners who pretend to be happy.

Tax Evaders?
The Bureau of Internal Revenue has filed charges against Ang Galing Party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo and wife, Angela Montenegro for their alleged failure to remit 73.85 million pesos in taxes to the government. But Mikey’s lawyer, Ruy Rondain explains the BIR should have given his client ample time to reply. After all, it’s not that easy to produce fake receipts.
————————————–
“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.”
~Barry Goldwater

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakadilaw sa larawan?
A: “Ayaaaan, ssshwak na sshwak ang bago mong pustisho! Ang saya-saya… ‘no?!”
B: “O, ‘wag kalimutan sha 2013 huh! “Arroyo sha balota… ire-elect sha Pampanga!”
C: “Hello there! You smile at me when you say hello there!”

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: It’s over for PNoy & Len

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Personal: Some readers have alerted me that they couldn’t post the article on Facebook and they repeatedly receive a notice that goes: “This message contains blocked content that has previously been flagged as abusive or spammy. Let us know if you think this is an error.”

Hindi ko po alam kung bakit. Pasensya na.





POSTSCRIPTS

24 01 2010


Postscript to a
Suspected Murderer’s Story

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her son, Jason Aguilar Ivler “hates the Philippine government and has absolutely no respect for the Philippine government” – prompting hardcore leftist groups to offer him free membership.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard revealed that her first lover was murdered in a Bangkok hotel by “professional killers.” Another former lover was a Colombian arms dealer while another was a convicted criminal currently jailed in England. When officials of the Asian Development Bank heard this, they immediately ordered a background check on Stephen Pollard.

Marlene Aguilar claims her son was framed by “some of the most powerful military men in America,” because she wrote a book exposing the twin towers attack as an inside job, and that American businessmen funded Nazi-Germany. By the way, Marlene is coming out soon with a new book that will expose Renato Victor Ebarle Jr’s road rage-related death as staged, and that he is still alive.

According to Marlene Aguilar-Pollard, her other son Colby is the stubborn one whom she calls names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Marlene also reveals, “Jason is the exact opposite. He never raised his voice.” He just shoots instantly!

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her sons, Jason and Colby are geniuses although she described Colby as hardheaded and called him names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Aside from Jason and Colby, Marlene has two other kids, Crispin and Basilio.

In a TV interview, Marlene Aguilar boasted, “My intelligence is way above most people.” She insisted though, “I’m not aware that Jason was hiding in our house.” Her intelligence was sloppy.


Postscript to a
Domestic Dispute

After spending only two days at her sister’s house, Kris Aquino has reconciled with James Yap. Because of the Mayen Austria controversy, Kris has finally realized how difficult it was to live without her husband, and how easy it was to campaign for her brother… live!

Kris Aquino and James Yap have reconciled after only two days of separation. We’ll find out if the separation has paid off as soon as the results of the next presidential survey are released.


Postscript to
a Comelec Ruling

The Commission on Elections dismissed the petition filed against the presidential bid of deposed president Joseph Estrada. A consistent third placer in various surveys, Estrada can now run in May. Due to this development, his political advisers are compelled to think of an alternative graceful exit.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada’s presidential bid has been approved by the Commission on Elections. His political advisers have started to prepare themselves for a grueling campaign and an eye-opening defeat.

In Other News…
Reports say First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is supporting the candidacy of Sen. Manuel Villar Jr… fueling speculations that Villar is a guest candidate of the First Couple.

The Commission on Elections revealed that 43,000 Filipinos have “double” registrations… to which Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. said, “Wala akong alam d’yan!”

Overseas…
The New York Times plans to charge readers for full access to its web site next year. In contrast, the Ilocos Times vows to maintain a free website and will soon start accepting editorial articles from readers – bloggers, in particular.
__________
“Hindi ko kailangang bawiin. Wala akong dapat bawiin. I am buying my dream. I am spending to achieve my dream. And that’s all it.”
~Sen. Manuel Villar Jr’s answer when a friend asked him how he intended to recover the millions of pesos he spent for his political ads if he wins the presidency
(Thanks to NLS, an avid Villar supporter and friend for this info)

Personal: The Ilocos Times
A Postscript

I just learned that Mr. Juan L. Mercado, columnist of the Philippine Daily Inquirer re-printed my two Xmas-themed posts not just once or twice but thrice – in The Bohol Chronicle, in Western Visayas’ The Daily Guardian, and in The Philippine Daily Mirror.

He claimed that it came from an email. He didn’t identify the sender though. But one thing is certain: it didn’t come from me. Fine. Sige na nga, forwarded lang sa ‘yo ‘yun.

But The Ilocos Times, where Mercado is also a columnist, reprinted it as an editorial and attributed it to him. Now that’s unacceptable.

Sige, ‘payag na ‘ko. Walang plagiarism. But to compile political humor pieces and publish them as an editorial? Funny.

Survey Says
Your take on the recommendation of 12 senators to censure Sen. Manny Villar:
Dapat lang! 57%
Nangangamoy pulitika! 34%
Wala akong pakialam! 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.





BUSTED!

20 01 2010


Fugitive Arrested
Last Monday, NBI agents finally arrested murder suspect Jason Aguilar Ivler while hiding in his mother’s home at Blue Ridge A Subdivision in Quezon City. Before engaging authorities in a shootout, Ivler desperately tried to elude arrest by claiming that he was actually an OFW currently on vacation from Qatar.

Jason’s mother, Marlene Aguilar-Pollard was also arrested Monday but is currently out on bail. Marlene was charged with obstruction of justice, giving false statements to authorities, and indecent exposure during the raid.

Something insane happened while Jason Aguilar Ivler was being rushed to the Quirino Memorial Medical Center Monday. When the ambulance carrying him got stuck in a traffic jam, he grabbed the gun of an NBI agent and tried to shoot the driver of the car in front of them.

NBI agents were shocked when TV host Kris Aquino suddenly appeared outside the residence of Marlene Aguilar Monday morning. Kris shouted invectives at Jason Ivler’s mother and said, “Anong klaseng nanay ka? Anong klase ang palaki mo sa anak mo?”

This just in! NBI agents reportedly arrested the wrong Marlene Aguilar! Rumors say the woman who was nabbed Monday was actress Caridad Sanchez!

Folk singer Freddie Aguilar, brother of Marlene Aguilar-Pollard refused to issue a statement on the Jason Aguilar Ivler controversy… something that was understandable since Ka Freddie’s got problems of his own with daughter Megan.

Marlene Aguilar is reportedly mad at some media outlets for dragging her brother’s name into the controversy. A teary-eyed Marlene said on TV, “You can’t blame me for defending my brother. No, ian, you can’t stop me from talking about my brother kasi ito ang sinasabi sa news. Nananahimik kami ‘tapos dinadamay n’yo siya. Hindi kinunsinti ng brother ko ang aking anak. Teka, would you like to pause for a commercial break before I go further? No? Sige, itutuloy ko na. Wait, my Ate told me to count from 1 to 10 before I open my mouth. So, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and 10, okay. Again, ako ang biktima. Nilapastangan ang pagkatao ko nang kunan ako ng TV crew habang naka-kamison lang during the raid. And my brother? Freddie is of good moral character. He even tried to salvage my first marriage. At nang mangyari ang gulong ‘to, ang sabi ni Kuya Freddie, ang dapat mong isipin si Baby Jason. Ipintas n’yo nang lahat ang gusto n’yong ipintas sa akin pero hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mamamatay-tao, at hindi ako masyadong sinungaling. Eto na lang ang masasabi ko. Dinamay n’yo ang kapatid ko. You cannot blame me for defending him. And you cannot blame me for defending my son!”

Light Bites
May nag-text!
“jason, mabuti naman at naaresto ka na. alam mo, cute ka sana kaya lang mang-aagaw ka ng atensyon! moment ko na this week pero umeksena ka naman. hmpf! H8 u na!” – kris aquino

Villar & the C5 Road
The senate committee of the whole recommended the censure of Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. after he was found guilty of unethical conduct when he sought the realignment of the C-5 road extension project that benefited his properties in the area. Twelve senators were seen signing the report; 11 others were seen laughing all the way to the bank.

Sen. Manuel Villar’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, Sen. Chiz Escudero would have run for president “thrice” under the NPC with that amount.

Sen. Manuel Villar Jr’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, Jamby Madrigal would sue her relatives if that were part of her aunt Chito Madrigal’s last will and testament.

Sen. Manuel Villar’s corporations allegedly gained 6.2 billion pesos from the realignment of the C-5 road extension project. To give you an idea how huge that amount was, count his TV and radio ad spots.

This just in! Senators Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla refused to sign the committee report that recommended the censure of Sen. Manny Villar. Lapid and Revilla insisted, “As actors, we are against any form of censureship.”

http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs218.snc3/22532_1179714579033_1413229851_30449944_6299091_s.jpg The Cerge Is Over
Press Secretary Cerge Remonde died of heart attack Tuesday morning at age 51. There will be a special necrological service in Malacañang to be moderated by Radyo ng Bayan’s Marie Peña Ruiz. Members of the Malacañang Press Corps are encouraged to deliver their eulogy in question form. Each member of the MPC will be allowed two questions each.
______
“Parents who are always giving their children nothing but the best usually wind up with nothing but the worst.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
Would the latest scandal involving Kris Aquino have a negative effect on the campaign of Noynoy Aquino?
YES, Definitely. 38%
NOPE. 38%
I don’t care. 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

From Cyberspace:
Paranormal Activity


Kahit saan, kahit kailan, maaasahan?








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