KRISSY/CHIZZY

15 06 2011

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

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[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]





HOLY STORMS!

26 05 2011


Narito ang updated na talaan ng mga bagyong pumasok, papasok o kasalukuyang nasa loob ng Pilipinas:

Bagyong Mar Roxas
Inaasahang papasok sa Philippine area of responsibility sa darating na Hunyo. Nangangamba ang marami sa posibleng pagsasalubong nila ng Bagyong Jojo Ochoa. Maaari daw itong magdulot ng dobleng peligro sa bansa.

Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Tahimik lamang ang bagyong ito ngunit malalaman mong paparating na siya dahil pasuray-suray ang pagtahak niya sa kanyang dinadaanan.

Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Matapos manalanta, sinisi niya ang forecast ng PAGASA. Mali-mali daw ang facts at figures na inilalabas ng weather bureau.

Bagyong Leila De Lima
Napakatapang na bagyo. Matatalim na kidlat at kulog ang dala ngunit walang gaanong ulan kaya’t minimal ang pinsala. May isang obserbasyon nga lang ang mga kritiko ng Bagyong Leila: kung saan-saang lugar daw siya pumapasok.

Bagyong Panfilo Lacson
Kahit moderno na ang instrumento ng pamahalaan, nahirapan pa rin silang ma-detect ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, palaisipan pa rin kung sang bahagi ng mundo siya nagmula.

Bagyong Manny Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan, ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Bagyong Mommy Dionisia
Pinapayuhang mag-ingat ‘yong malaswa, ‘yong mga taong malaswaaaaa!

Bagyong Juan Ponce Enrile
Pinakamatagal sa puwesto; hindi gumagalaw. Dumaan na ang iba pang sama ng panahon, nananalasa pa rin siya.

Bagyong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Siyam na taong nanalanta sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa tuluyang nakakabangon ang bansa sa pinsalang kanyang idinulot.

Bagyong Tingting Cojuangco
Nabigla ang mga weather forecasters sa ikinilos kamakailan ng sosyal na bagyong ito. Matapos manalanta sa Central Luzon noong early 1990s, nagpaparamdam ito ngayon sa dakong Mindanao bilang isang weather disturbance. Gayunman, wala pang katiyakan kung siya ay magiging ganap na bagyo.

Bagyong Imelda Marcos
Dekada sesenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik at patuloy pa rin sa pananalasa.

Bagyong Ernesto Diokno
Matapos magdulot ng pinsala, tumanggi siyang akuin ang responsibilidad at ipinasa ito sa mas mahihinang bagyo. Sinisi rin niya ang mga nagdaang sama ng panahon. Bagamat bahagyang humina, nananatili pa rin ito sa puwesto dahil malakas daw ang kapit kay Lord.

Bagyong Antonio Leviste
Ang inisyal na forecast ay stationary lamang ito ngunit marami ang nagulat nang ma-detect siya ng ABS-CBN News Weather Bueau sa dakong Makati at Maynila. Iniimbestigahan na ang mga awtoridad sa kabiguan nilang ma-monitor ang galaw ni Bagyong Leviste.

Bagyong Manny V. Pangilinan
Mayaman sa ulan at hangin. Tuwing kumukulog at kumikidlat, nawawalan ng signal ang Globe!

Bagyong CBCP
Matagal-tagal na rin ang ginagawa nitong pananalanta sa Pilipinas. Sa tuwing magrereklamo ang mga tao sa dala niyang pinsala, nagbabanta ito ng walang tigil na pag-ulan at pagbaha upang lipulin ang “masasama.”

Bagyong Jejomar Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Bagamat matindi ang dulot na pinsala, hindi ito gaanong napapansin dahil marami din namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Matapos tumama sa Kamaynilaan, nakatutok naman ang mata ng Bagyong Binay sa mas malawak at mas matinding pananalanta sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa sa 2016.

Bagyong Noynoy Aquino
Tuwid na direksyon ang tinatahak ng bagyong ito ngunit napakabagal at may katamaran. Tanghali na kung ito ay kumilos kaya’t inaabot nang madaling araw ang pananalanta. Walang gaanong ulan ngunit malakas ang hanging bumabayo kaya’t binansagan din itong ‘tuyot na bagyo.’
—————————————————
“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”
~Author Unknown

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

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CATS, PRAISES

15 05 2011


Pacman Returns
Manny Pacquiao is back in the Philippines after last week’s big event in Las Vegas – his encounter with Paris Hilton.

Reports say the Pacquiao-Mosley event lured the second biggest crowd (16,412) among Pacquiao’s bouts in Las Vegas. It also set a Guinness World Record for ‘most watched sparring session.’

Congressman Manny Pacquiao and his wife attended a thanksgiving Mass in Manila Saturday morning. As expected, security was tight at the Quiapo Church. The only thing tighter was Jinkee’s face.

Manny Pacquiao has denied using steroids while training for his fight. For God’s sake, he couldn’t even use his wife!

Cat Killer
A UP student who killed a cat in 2009 was found guilty of animal cruelty. The judge rejected his defense that he was a battered rat in his past life.


UP physics major Joseph Carlo Candare was found guilty of animal cruelty and was slapped with a 2,000-peso fine. Likewise, the judge barred him from eating siopao for the rest of his life.

After being found guilty of animal cruelty, Joseph Carlo Candare is now serving his sentence – two months of volunteer work for the Philippine Animal Welfare Society or PAWS where he’s tasked to take care of some 200 cats. Sa mga pusa d’yan sa PAWS… ingat!

Confirmed
President Aquino confirmed Friday that his defeated runningmate, former senator Mar Roxas would be his chief of staff. The President clarified though that Korina Sanchez would still be Mar’s ‘commander-in-chief.’

Osama’s Stash
The US Navy SEALs reportedly found a diary in Osama bin Laden’s compound. It revealed, among other things that his real parents were Alvira and Amante Del Valle.

Confiscated photos of Osama bin Laden’s medicine cabinet revealed he took herbal Viagra. Another confiscated photo showed three happy-looking camels.

Pornographic videos were also discovered in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound. One of the titles found was “Osama bin Hayden.”

De Lima Declines
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is not interested in replacing Merceditas Gutierrez as Ombudsman. And that’s understandable. It’s like replacing Osama bin Laden in al-Qaeda.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, the world’s most dangerous places are Afghanistan and Iraq. In third place is Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City.

Big Rollback
Oil companies have just implemented a bigger oil price rollback… surprising motorists, and fueling speculations that the reported Judgment Day on May 21 is true.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>>Civil disobedience: Weapon of mass distraction. Isang paraan upang ilayo ang diskusyon sa merito ng isyu | See ‘blackmail.’

>>Chief of Staff: See ‘Prime Minister.’

In China…
Shanghai City is setting a limit of one-dog per family. In protest of the policy, Chinese dog lovers have threatened to lead a civil disobedience campaign.
———————————————————————-
“It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.”
~Chinese Proverb

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A YEAR AGO

10 05 2011


Today is May 10, 2011. Exactly a year ago, the Philippines held its first ever automated elections. Everything has been on the upswing after that: the level of optimism, the flagdown rate for taxicabs, the fare for jeeps, the cost of fuel, the prices of basic commodities, and President Aquino’s net worth.


Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of the historic first-ever automated elections in the Philippines… or as Manny Villar, Mar Roxas, Loren Legarda, and Joseph Estrada would probably say, “babang-luksa.”

Today marks the first anniversary of the May 10, 2010 automated elections. It’s been a year… and Mar Roxas has yet to concede.

Remember the May 10, 2010 elections? It happened exactly a year ago. Remember the candidate you voted for president who promised he’d make your life easier? Me neither.

Mar’s Return
Reports say defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas will be appointed to a Cabinet position similar to a presidential chief of staff… or as members of the Balay Group would say but couldn’t, “Executive Secretary-in-waiting.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda admits he doesn’t know yet the exact job description of Mar Roxas. Among other things.

Apparently, Malacañang will be creating a new post to accommodate former Senator Mar Roxas… one year after he applied for the vacant post of vice president, and the electorate said, “We’ll just call you.”

Top 5 Rejected Job Descriptions of ex-Senator Mar Roxas

No. 5: Presidential Adviser on Heart-Related Matters

No. 4: Executive Secretary II: Weekends Only

No. 3: Chief Presidential BFF

No. 2: Vice President for Balay Concerns

And the No. 1 rejected job description of ex-Senator Mar Roxas…

First Lady

LRT/MRT Fare
The government deferred the proposed increase in train fares. Transportation Secretary Jose de Jesus said the timing was not good for a fare hike. Prices of basic commodities are rising and the President’s approval rating is plummeting.

Salceda Mad
President Aquino’s ally and former Arroyo economic adviser, Albay Governor Joey Salceda is blaming PAGASA for faulty weather forecast. Apparently, Salceda’s complaint has yet to reach President Aquino. Otherwise, PAGASA Acting Administrator Nathaniel Servando would be looking for a job in Australia right now.

Abu Members Caught
Two members of the Abu Sayyaf terror group have been arrested in Metro Manila. And President Aquino was like, “When is the SWS’ next survey?

One of the arrested members of the Abu Sayyaf Group was actually working as a security guard for the posh, multimillion-peso Pacific Tower Plaza… located at Abbottabad, Taguig City.

Another wanted member of the Abu Sayyaf Group was caught while on a date at Robinson’s Place in Ermita, Manila. The suspect’s date was his girlfriend No. 8.

Public Service
Are you looking for a job? Search no further. Al-Qaeda has just announced a vacancy.
——————————————————–
“Leadership is action, not position.”
~Donald H. McGannon

You Have Spoken
Manny Pacquiao: “I will wear yellow gloves as a symbol of unity, unity against poverty.” Your take:
- Mabuhay ka! Kasama mo ako sa labang ‘yan. 19.67%
- What the hell are you talking about? How? 67.54%
- No comment. 12.79%

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Still, Lakers.





REFLECTIONS

21 04 2011

NAGSIMULA NA ANG bakasyon ng mga bituin pero dahil mainit pa rin ang mga usapin, narito ang kanilang bonus na mga pangitain – Holy Week Edition!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Magpapako ka sa krus. Habang nakapako, magpa-press con at ihayag sa media: “Hinding-hindi ako bababa sa puwesto.” Maraming matutuwa sa ‘yo!

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Dahil sinimulan mo na rin lang noong Lunes Santo, panindigan mo na ang pagiging “marriage counselor” mo. ‘Yan na lang kasi ang titindig sa ‘yo.

Pangulong Aquino
Kung binabantaan ka nila ng excommunication, bantaan mo sila ng taxcommunication. ‘Wag pasindak. Takutan lang ‘yan.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Hindi mo na kailangang mag-Visita Iglesia. Proven na naman ‘di ba?. Nanalo ka pa rin kahit si Mar ang inendorso nila.

Ex-Senator Mar Roxas
Samantalahin ang nalalabing araw ng bakasyon. Less than a month na lang, puwede ka nang magtrabaho sa palasyo. Pag-isipan ang mga iniaalok na puwesto… ngunit tanggihan ang offer na maging First Lady ng Pangulo. It’s just awkward pare!

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-isip, magmuni-muni, at magtanong: hanggang kailan ko susuportahan si Merci Gutierrez? Paano ko maibabalik ang tiwala ng tao? Dapat ko bang ishare ang aking beauty secrets? Bahala ka na.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Samantalahin ang Senate recess. Aralin ang pagluluto ng ibang putahe. Nakakaumay na ang adobo mo kasi. Tse!

Marlene Aguilar a.k.a. Jason Ivler’s mother
Hindi kayang basahin ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. May sarili ka kasing mundong ginagalawan. Heto na lang ang sampung piso, bili ka ng kausap mo!

Willie Revillame
Ilang araw na lang at matatapos na ang iyong bakasyon from television. Why not extend it? Say, for… ever?

And finally…
Cong. Mikey Arroyo
Matutuloy ang plano mong pagpapapako sa krus sa Pampanga. Pero huwag umasang mapapagitna ka. Either sa kanan o sa kaliwa ka ng bida. Alam mo na!

In the News:
According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, it would be better for President Noynoy Aquino to remain single. Just in case you missed it, Cruz is the self-appointed presidential adviser on heart concerns.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says people who get hitched at age 40 or above usually end up having unstable marriages. In totally unrelated news, Mar and Korina have canceled their plan to hear mass today.

TV Patrol Poll
A TV Patrol survey last Tuesday revealed that 62 percent of viewers wanted President Aquino to marry. The rest were bishops.

Christmas/Easter
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 57 of Filipinos consider Christmas more important than Easter Sunday. The rest grew up without a ninong/ninang. #bitter

The Last Supper
A Cambridge University research suggests the Last Supper, traditionally marked by Christians on Maundy Thursday actually took place on a Wednesday. Another research reveals Good Friday was actually bad.

Based on the research conducted at Cambridge University, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation, and separate trials did not all take place on one night only. He was able to get a TRO for 24 hours day.

A new research reveals that the Last Supper actually took place on a Wednesday not on Maundy Thursday. You know what that means? Starting next year, Wednesday will be a holiday! Yehey!
——————————————————-
“There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.”
~George Bernard Shaw

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Have fun!





TABLOIDS

15 03 2011


Pilipino Star Ngayon: PUP nagsuspinde ng klase dahil sa nuclear radiation scare!
|> Bakit? Nasaan ba ang PUP? Sa Fukushima?

Pilipino Star Ngayon: PUP nagsuspinde ng klase dahil sa nuclear radiation scare!
|> Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi…

Bandera: Radiation, kumalat sa text!
|> Patay ang texter??

Bandera: Willie Revillame, senador o mayor?
|> Patay ang voter!


Abante Tonite: Mar balik-Taiwan!
|> Baka nagustuhan ang bottomless iced tea

Abante Tonite: Isandaang kandila para sa impeach Merci
|> Alin ang sisindihan? ‘Yong kandila o ‘yong Ombudsman?

Abante Tonite: Pangulong Noynoy, iwas-karne tuwing Biyernes
|> Karne, iwas-Noynoy tuwing Sabado hanggang Huwebes. (Quits lang.)

People’s Tonight: Ban sa mga plastik, ipinanawagan ng dalawang kongresista
|> Mga artista, umalma!

Abante Tonite: Rosanna Roces, mukha na talagang laos
|> Sino nga ‘yon?

Report: Porn actress Maria Ozawa says Japan will overcome hardships. |> Inspiring words from someone who has overcome hard-ons.

Report: Facebook Tokyo asks Tokyo people to stop overstocking
|> Facebook Philippines ask PUP people to stop overacting
——————————-
Peter Griffinn: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance: The five stages of buying gas.

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DOWN

14 03 2011


The Climb
After the elevator he took going down stalled underground, President Aquino, on Ash Wednesday had to climb the equivalent of 24 floors to reach the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the third floor, he fell on his knees but was able to recover, and continued walking. But members of his official party, and Singaporean officials got the shock of their lives when, upon reaching the sixth floor, he fell for the second time and then “Veronica” appeared and wiped his face.

During a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore, President Aquino and his party were trapped underground and had to climb 24 floors to the surface after the elevator broke down. The president of Singapore has instructed his defeated vice presidential running mate to visit the Philippines and apologize for what happened.

The elevator servicing a water facility plant in Singapore broke down forcing President Aquino to climb 24 stories… or as Filipino consumers would call it, “floor hike.”

President Aquino climbed the equivalent of 24 stories during a visit to a water facility plant in Singapore. When he reached the top, he placed a Philippine flag and scribbled a note on the floor: ” Noynoy was here.”

Reports say President Aquino “coughed along the way” while taking the underground stairs to the surface of a water facility plant in Singapore last week. When he reached the top, Singaporeans applauded him and then, to his surprise, asked: “Dahon or The One?”


Orchid Noy
Last Friday, Singapore named an orchid after President Noynoy Aquino. The orchid has golden yellow petals, and flowering is accelerated by exposure to cigarette smoke.

Singapore’s National Parks Board named an orchid after President Aquino… surprising the Philippine leader who actually expected the board to name a variety of tobacco after him.


Japan Disaster
Nations around the world have been rushing to Japan’s aid after Friday’s devastating earthquake and tsunami. Britain is sending rescue units. China is sending search equipment. The Philippines is sending Joey Salceda.

The bad news: Japan is still trying to avert a meltdown at three earthquake-crippled nuclear reactors. The good news: it is easier to thwart than Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.

Japan is reeling from a disaster of historic proportions. In the Philippines, we have a term for that. Ombudsman.

“Battered”
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG) claims she’s a “battered woman” being harassed by vindictive congressmen. If it’s any consolation, she’s the only ‘battered woman’ in this country who can call for a press conference anytime she wants.

Roxas and Taiwan
President Aquino’s troubleshooter, former senator Mar Roxas will reportedly meet again with Taiwanese officials in Taipei… or as Roxas himself would call it, “dieting.”


March 14…
On this day in…

1879: Albert Einstein is born. The bouncing baby boy weighs 6.5 lbs. And that’s just his brain.

1906: The island of Ustica is devastated by an earthquake. Nations around the globe tried but failed to send help… because they didn’t know where Ustica was located.

1923: Warren Harding becomes the first U.S. president to file an income tax report… a day after Commissioner Kim Henares ordered the strict implementation of the government’s Run After Tax Evaders campaign.

1932: George Eastman, founder of the Kodak Company and inventor of the Kodak camera commits suicide. He and his girlfriend didn’t “click” so he “shot” himself.

1939: The Republic of Czechoslovakia is dissolved… mainly because nobody could spell its name correctly.

1943: Franklin Delano Roosevelt becomes the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane while in office. The airplane crashes because the office is way too heavy.

1947: Moscow announces that 890,532 German POWs are held in the U.S.S.R. German POWs were the first batch of jejemons in the world.

1947: Ambassador Paul V. McNutt and President Manuel A. Roxas sign the Military Bases Agreement at Malacañang Palace. The agreement grants 22 military, naval, and air bases in the Philippines to the United States. In return, the Americans vowed to help develop the country’s red light districts.

1968: After only two seasons on television, ABC aired the finalé of “Batman.” The last episode showed Batman and Robin living happily ever after.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Any-Day-In-History, and Today in Science History.

Almost Arson
Karaoke singer-turned-comedienne-turned-TV host-turned sex video star-turned reality show contestant Ethel Booba tried to burn down her rented condo unit in Quezon City when she discovered that her boyfriend was gay. The CBCP described Ethel’s meltdown as “understandable.”


Pampi and Jodi

Actress Jodi Sta.Maria and husband, Pampi Lacson (son of Sen. Panfilo Lacson) have reportedly called it quits. Their six-year-old son Thirdy laments, “I rarely see my dad.” To which, Pampi said, “So do I.”
————————————————–
“People are resilient. After all, every person born has recovered from nine months on life support.”
~Robert Brault,

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, ano ang magiging hatol ng Senado sakaling humantong sa paglilitis ang impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez?
- Acquitted! Marami siyang kaalyado eh! 22.98%
- Convicted! Period. 42.24%
- Puwede bang maghintay? Huwag nga kayong atat! 34.78%

Have a great week. Always bring a whistle with you. Ingat!

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I also have a Twitter account. #justsaying





UP

10 03 2011

Thia Megia!
Filipino-American Thia Megia made it to the Top 13 of American Idol Season 10. This morning, President Aquino ordered his allies in the Liberal Party to vote for her.

An American friend of mine says it seems a bit unfair that Filipinos are allowed to compete in “American Idol” – to which I replied, “Have you seen the players in the Philippine Basketball Association?”

Ash Wednesday
Lent – a season of sacrifice, officially began March 9 according to the Christian calendar. But according to the oil firms’ calendar, it began last week.

For the third time in eight days, the cost of fuel went up… or as oil companies would tell one another, “Merry Christmas!”

The Daily Bread
Aside from rising fare rates and fuel costs, the price of bread has also gone up. To give you an idea of how this has affected the lives of Filipinos, this Sunday, the Catholic Church is giving away bread coupons before the communion.

Gravity!
Reports say a woman fell from the 18th floor of a condominium in Makati City and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor of the building. At last, a news report that doesn’t use the word “hike,” “up,” “rise,” or “increase.”

A 20-year-old woman fell from the 18th floor of a condo building in Makati City, and landed in the swimming pool at the 7th floor. She survived the fall, and was eventually crowned first runner-up.


Noy in Jakarta
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is part of President Aquino’s delegation to Indonesia and Singapore as a “private adviser” – or as critics would say, “private president.”

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, former senator Mar Roxas paid for his airfare to Indonesia… something that wasn’t that remarkable, since he availed himself of Cebu Pacific’s Piso Fare Promo.


Last March 7, President Aquino flew low cost taking a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. He saved on government funds, and he enjoyed watching the dancing stewardesses.

President Aquino and his 53-man delegation took a Cebu Pacific flight to Jakarta last March 7. The president of Indonesia was “forewarned” so he delayed the welcome dinner for at least two hours.

In a speech before the Filipino community in Indonesia, President Aquino took a swipe at the Philippine media for reporting more negative news instead of positive ones. He specifically said, “I’ve announced many good developments, but my love life gets more attention.” So fault ng media? Fault ng media na bokya ka?

Viel’s Wish
President Aquino’s sister, Viel Aquino-Dee says she is wishing that her brother Noynoy would get married before his term ends in 2016. Viel is reportedly doing everything to make that wish come true. In fact, she has been relentlessly looking for a priest who’s willing to marry a man and a car.

Osama’s Birthday
Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is celebrating his 54th birthday today, March 10. It has been a busy and productive day for him so far. This morning, he renewed his driver’s license.

Islamic extremist Osama bin Laden is reportedly depressed. His birthday has been overshadowed by the apparent suicide of a former Al-Qaeda general who was accused of corruption.

Osama bin Laden is now 54 years old… or as Senator Enrile would call it, teenager.

Osama Bin Laden turns 54 today. He can’t wait to go home and enjoy the food prepared by his 54th wife.

Every year, Bin Laden’s youngest kids would participate in parlor games to entertain him on his birthday. But the tradition was stopped last year when the kids, oblivious of their father’s politics, played ‘Trip to Jerusalem.’

Sources say Osama bin Laden has been getting sickly of late. As a matter of fact, the 54-year-old Islamic extremist has an upset stomach at this very moment. Good thing there’s Al Qaeda-Seltzer.


Today is March 10
On this day in…

1876: Alexander Graham Bell makes the first successful telephone call to his assistant, Mr. Watson who was in a nearby room. The first words spoken into the invention were, “Hello Watsshon, will I still lead by 1 million?”

1910: China ends slavery… replacing it with child labor.

1911: Three La Salle Brothers – Augusto Coerrege, Blimond Pierre, and Louis Aloysius Gonzaga – arrived in Manila from Europe. They played three-on-three with Ateneo’s Jesuit priests.

1945: American troops land on Mindanao. Condom sales tripled.

1977: Astronomers discover rings around Uranus. Doctors would later call it ‘hemorrhoids.’

UST’s Cross
Sending a message “against the passage of the Reproductive Health Bill,” some 24,000 students, teachers, and school personnel converged at the University of Sto. Tomas to form what could perhaps be the world’s largest human cross. | ‘k.


Flash Back!
World bantamweight champion Nonito Donaire Jr. is back from the United States. In high spirits and all smiles, he was met by Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim at the airport. But Donaire’s mood suddenly changed when Mayor Lim handed him a token of appreciation from the City of Manila – a camisa de Chino.

La Salle: 100
The La Salle Community is celebrating 100 years of La Sallian presence in the Philippines today, March 10. La Salle students originally planned to form another human cross to beat the record set by UST yesterday. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on what shape to form.
——————————
“The only thing that we can be sure rises faster than the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.”
~R. Owens

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, ano ang magiging sunod mong hakbang?
- Impeachment. Haharapin ko ‘yan! 32.33%
- Makapag-resign na nga! D’yan na kayo! 45.75%
- Mag-iisip pa ko. Wait lang. ‘Wag demanding! 21.92%

Personal
Happy birthday to my frenemy TJ Manotoc, Miami Heat’s publicist, chief apologist, and No. 1 fan in the Philippines, and to Ms. Pia Hontiveros of ANC’s Strictly Politics!

Have a safe weekend ahead!

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Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not click here. You’ve been warned! Bahala ka!





THE GOOD WIVES (?)

6 03 2011


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
- Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
- Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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CARJACK ARREST

21 01 2011

The Liberal Party
First things first, happy anniversary to the Liberal Party! It is now 65 years old… or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “husband material.”

The Liberal Party marked its 65th anniversary last Wednesday. Some say the party’s old, others insist it’s still young. You be judge: when the Liberal Party was founded, Senator Enrile was on his first term as senator.

On Wednesday, the Liberal Party unanimously elected Mar Roxas as party president… just two days after the Noy-Bi “party” unanimously elected Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. as Comelec chairman.

Noticeably, former senator Mar Roxas was in ‘barong Tagalog’ last Wednesday. Observers say had he insisted on wearing blue, he would have lost the presidency of the party.

Justifying his choice of Mar Roxas as “chief troubleshooter,” President Aquino says “I am no Superman who can do anything.” And then he went on to introduce Roxas to the guests by saying, “Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘MacGyver.’”

Former senator Mar Roxas denied that he would be more powerful than President Aquino once appointed in government. Well, that’s believable. How can you be more powerful than the country’s president when you can’t even be more powerful than your wife?

Carjacking
The Land Cruiser of restaurateur Margarita Fores, a cousin of former senator Mar Roxas was carjacked in Makati City last Wednesday. And Vice President Jejomar Binay was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Carjacking II
Malacañang admits it finds the spate of carjacking cases alarming. To prove its concern, the palace has assigned a group of men to watch over the President’s Porsche 24/7.

Looking Wow
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that former president and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is making heads turn with her “svelte figure and glowing complexion.” Today, she has a 25-inch waistline… perfectly complementing her 25-inch height.

Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo says her waistline is down from 31 to 25 because of exercise and vegetable diet. Not to be outdone, former President Joseph Estrada says exercise and vegetables have also been helpful to him. In fact, his IQ is up from 80 to 89.

Winning Slogan
President Aquino’s “Kung Walang Corrupt, Walang Mahirap” campaign slogan won the PublicAffairsAsia’s Gold Standard Award for Political Communications. Meanwhile, the Department of Tourism lost in the poster making category.

Lapid’s New Bill
Saying, “We are being alienated in our very own country, and we are left to figure out for ourselves what these establishments are,” Sen. Lito Lapid filed a new bill seeking to require all signs, signboards, or billboards to be written either in Filipino or English. While waiting for the passage of his bill, Lapid vowed to boycott Le Souffle, Amici, Focaccia, Thien Duong, Mi Piace, Le Coeur de France, Schwarzwälder, and other establishments whose names he cannot pronounce.

Citing the “widespread emergence of restaurants and other specialty shops bearing signages in foreign languages,” former stuntman turned actor-politician Lito Lapid lamented, “Filipinos are left to wonder what these signages mean.” Lapid got the idea for his new bill from an embarrassing experience last week when he tried but failed to buy dishwashing paste from Häagen-Dazs.
————————————
“Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule – and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
~H.L. Mencken, 1956

Survey Says
Magiging patas kaya as Comelec Chairman si Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr?
- Oo naman. 22.46%
- Hindi! 47.01%
- Sino siya? 30.54%

Personal
Tomorrow is Saturday. Try to join our game on Twitter between 9:30 and 11:30 in the evening. No need to register. Just follow me on Twitter, and be witty. Bawal ang pikon.

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Have a safe weekend! #teamlakers #beattheheat





TROUBLES

9 01 2011


Black Nazarene
Quiapo District in Manila is celebrating the 404th anniversary of the arrival of the Black Nazarene in the Philippines. Yup, it’s been that long. In fact, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile was still an infant when the image was brought in here.

Thousands of Roman Catholic devotees joined the annual procession of the Black Nazarene Sunday. Sketchy reports say among those who were spotted in the sea of people were known Nazarene devotee Noli De Castro who prayed for his health, and first time procession participant Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta who prayed for her job.

The PAO Chief
President Aquino is maintaining a hands-off stance on the case of embattled Public Attorney’s Office Chief Persida Rueda-Acosta. The president admits though it would have been much easier for him to decide on Acosta’s fate if she was a weather forecaster.

Mar Roxas Back Soon?
President Aquino announced Friday he’s eyeing former senator and defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas to be his “chief troubleshooter.” Roxas’ first task is to troubleshoot problems that may arise from his appointment.

Defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas is being eyed as President Aquino’s “chief troubleshooter.” Palace insiders deny rumors that the post will be created to neutralize Rico E. Puno, currently, President Aquino’s “chief troublemaker.”


Angry Bird
Four police officers from Zamboanga City were injured when a flightless cassowary bird attacked them. The bird was subsequently captured but insisted during the interrogation that he acted on self-defense saying the cops attempted to kidnap him.

A 4-foot cassowary bird attacked a group of policemen in training in Zamboanga City. After the “encounter,” the police captured the bird. In a related story, the Communist Party of the Philippines is demanding the release of the bird before peace talks with the government could push through.


Dumb Criminal
Authorities have captured Arnel Buenaflor, the gunman in the fatal shooting of a Kalookan City councilman recently. In fairness to Buenaflor, he didn’t resist arrest. In fact, he gamely posed when his mugshots were taken.
————————–
“Trouble springs from idleness.”
~Benjamin Franklin


Fun!
As I have mentioned in my previous posts, every Saturday night, I moderate a game on Twitter. It’s open to the public. You just have to follow me. Last night, I asked tweeples to send “Perfect Movie Casting Choices.” Examples: (1) Madam Auring & Ellen Lising: Face/Off (2) Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Catch Me If You Can, (3) Sen. Lito Lapid: Artificial Intelligence (4) ex-Sen. Jamby Madrigal: Girl, Interrupted, (5) Luneta Tourist Bus: Journey to the Center of the Earth, and (6) Former VP Teofisto Guingona and former Sen. Jovito Salonga: 10,000 BC.

In no particular order, here are some of the funniest entries that were tweeted and re-tweeted last night (January 8):
1: From @angeldirecto – Presidential Communications Group: Clueless
2: From @forg9587 – President Aquino: Never Been Kissed
3: From @gudboyARL – President Aquino and Usec. Rico E. Puno: Maging Sino ka Man
4: From @paopaoAJ – Former President GMA: Dwarfina
5: From @dondeekenz – Executive Secretary Ochoa: The Drunken Master
6: From @AbigailLimHo – President Aquino: The Accidental Hero
7: From @andmyfaceislike – Rico Puno, MPD, Mayor Lim, Mendoza: Meet the Fockers
8: From @MangBurns – VP Jojo Binay: The Dark Knight
9: From @retireQuinito – Cong. Gloria M. Arroyo: Bakit Ako Mahihiya
10: From @desoleboy – Shalani Soledad: He’s Just Not That Into You
11: From @MangBurns – Kris Aquino: Scream I, II, III & IV
12: From @copochax – Shalani Soledad and Willie Revillame: The Hottie and the Nottie
13: From @forg9587 – ABS CBN Execs and Willie Revillame: Babangon Ako’t Dudurugin Kita
14: From @ronacious – Rico E. Puno and ES Jojo Ochoa: The Untouchables
15: From @whoisJeffD – Ping Lacson: Gone With the Wind
16: From @forg9587 – Mar Roxas: Abot-Kamay Ang Pangarap
17: From @dexdixidexy – President Aquino, Kris Aquino and Liz Uy: Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (Named as funniest entry of the evening)
18: From @hybridcha – Hitmakers of ‘Pilipinas Win na Win:’ Gone Too Soon
19: From @CamBon0620 – John Lloyd Cruz & Shaina Magdayao: Teeth
20: From @gudboyARL – Mar & Korina: An Inconvenient Truth
21: From @paopaoAJ – Jason and Hubert Webb: Ang Utol Kong Hoodlum
22: From @instantsiomai – President Aquino /Liz Uy: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
23: From @Ro_nnie – GMA: Once Upon a Time in China
24: From @magzcafe – Assunta de Rossi: Bride of Chuckie
25: From @AbigailLimHo – GMA and Mike Arroyo: Bonnie and Clyde
26: From @dexdixidexy – Ai Ai de las Alas: Bagong Buwan
27: From @MangBurns – Sharon Cuneta: Titanic
28: From @MangBurns – Gretchen Fullido: Titanic II
29: From @toppgarperio – GMA: Despicable Me
30: From @yourarcilicious – GMA: Leprechaun
31: From @Harr1etTheSpy – Kris: Anakan Mo Ako
32: From @instantsiomai – Ronald Singson: Life is Hot in Cracktown
33: From @Harr1etTheSpy – Secs. Coloma/Carandang and Donald Tsang: The Ring
34: From @dexdixidexy – Kris and James: Ang Darling Kong Aswang
35: From @MangBurns – Senate President Enrile: Twilight
36: From @tinniewanders – Madam Auring: The Mummy (Or The Thing)
37: From @Harr1etTheSpy – GMA: Unforgiven
38: From @ktinnbautista – Willie and Shalani: Lust, Caution
39: From @johnearlm – Ronald Singson: Bawal na Gamot
40: From @ronacious – Sharon Cuneta: Bounce
41: From @kimopulido – Gladys Reyes: Jaws; Toni Gonzaga: Jaws 2!
42: From @forg9587 – P-Noy’s Cabinet: Up In The Air
43: From @chinofigueroa – Mommy Dionisia & Madame Auring: Alien vs. Predator
44: From @scuzzzy – PAO’s Atty. Persida Acosta: Paano na Kaya?
45: From @attyarj – Jessica Alfaro & Hubert Webb et al: I Know What You Did Last Summer
46: From @chuckieboii – Joel Cruz: Scent of a Woman
47: From @johnearlm – Kuya Germs: Insomnia
48: From @dexdixidexy – PNoy, Korina, Shalani, Liz: Ghost of Girlfriends Past
49: From @lexiz08 – Exec. Sec. Ochoa: The Hangover
50: From @one_lad – Generals Delfin Bangit and Jesus Versoza: Cop Out
51: From @angeldirecto – Shalani Soledad, Pnoy, & Len Lopez: Una Kang Naging Akin
52: From @chuckieboii – Madam Auring: Dalaw (or the lack of it)
53: From @Harr1etTheSpy – Korina Sanchez: Hairspray
54: From @angeldirecto – President Aquino: I Am Sam
55: From @klaris – Presidential Communications Group: Babel
56: From @8muggler – Mai Mislang: The Motorcycle Diaries
57: From @angeldirecto – Annabelle Rama, Daisy Romualdez, Amalia Fuentes: Mean Girls
58: From @maharanirish – Vina Morales:The Wrestler
59: From @Pimply_PonC – Mar Roxas: The Back-up Plan
60: From @inanperillo – VP Jojo Binay: Out of Africa
61: From @yourarcilicious – Madame Auring: House of Wax
62: From @attyarj – Ex-Gen. Carlos Garcia: Indecent Proposal
63: From @Ivee – DOT Sec. Alberto Lim & the “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” Campaign: Failure to Launch
64: From @attyarj – Madam Auring: Huwag Mong Buhayin ang Bangkay
65: From @hfamous – Mar & Korina: A Series of Unfortunate Events
66: From @forg9587 – Anna Dizon: Bituing Walang Ningning
67: From @jayspogi – Atty. Persida Acosta: Kakabakaba Ka Ba?
68: From @dexdixidexy – PNoy: Palimos ng Pag-ibig
69: From @jayspogi – Juan Ponce Enrile: Ice Age 4
70: From @paopaoAJ – Dyan Castillejo and Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao: Magkapatid

Whether you’re active or not on Twitter as long as you have an account, log in every Saturday evening between 9 and 11:30. Let’s have fun – for free.

Survey Says
Dapat bang gawing mandatory ang drug testing sa mga miyembro ng Senado at Kamara?
- OO. Dapat lang. 91.69%
- Siguro, voluntary, pabor ako. 6.23%
- Hindi na kailangan ang drug test. 2.08%

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Have a great week ahead! #teamlakers #beattheheat





KrissyLeaks

9 12 2010


A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.


TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.


TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
- Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
- Sumalangit nawa! 25%
- No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
- Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
Enjoy the rest of the week!

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FIGURES

10 11 2010


Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.


Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?


Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
—————————————
“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7′s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
- OO. Why not? 21.44%
- HINDI. 44.37%
- Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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HONEST MISTAKE

28 09 2010

PRESIDENT AQUINO has returned from his US trip. In his arrival speech, the President made two important announcements. First, that the government was able to secure new investments from at least eight business firms, and second, that the country was no longer at war.


Inverted RP Flag
Rebecca Thompson, the spokesperson of the US Embassy in Manila apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York last Friday. [An inverted flag means the nation is in a state of war.] Thompson declined to confirm rumors that the Philippine flag was made in Hong Kong.

This just in! The person who reportedly made the (honest) mistake of displaying an inverted RP flag in New York has offered to resign from the Obama government. When President Aquino heard this, he advised President Obama to reject the resignation saying, “The guy is entitled to due process.”

With regard to some people who are making an issue out of the inverted RP flag incident, President Aquino said, “Maraming tao’ng walang magawa.” Ouch.


Aquino and Obama
President Aquino said he and US President Barack Obama met for seven minutes. Another source said, it was actually 10 minutes… but the first three minutes was spent looking for a lighter.

President Aquino and US President Barack Obama met for approximately seven minutes. Aquino spent two minutes discussing military matters, while Obama used all of five minutes apologizing for the inverted Philippine flag.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Meeting of President Aquino and US President Barack Obama

No. 5: “Lights or menthol?”

No. 4: “I admit. I’m an instant fan. So tell me more about Charice.”

No. 3: “Can we have Kristie Kenney back?”

No. 2: “If Donald Tsang or anybody in Beijing bothers you again, I’m just a phone call away. ”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the meeting of Presidents Aquino and Obama…

“I hope you won’t mind me asking but have you tried Svenson?”

Lito Lapid’s Bill
Senator Lito Lapid has filed a bill seeking to limit the weight of bags being carried by school children to schools. DepEd Chief Bro. Armin Luistro has rejected the proposal and urged other senators to file a bill seeking to stop Lito Lapid from filing similar measures.

Reelected Senator Lito Lapid has filed “An act limiting the amount of weight of bags carried by children in school and implementing proactive measures to protect school children’s health from the adverse effect of heavy school bag.” Tanong ng bayan kay Ginoong Lapid: Senador ka ba o pangulo ng PTA?

Top 5 Predicted Bills to be Filed Soon by Sen. Lito Lapid

No. 5: “An act limiting the use of ballpoint pens in primary schools to prevent inkblots on school uniforms”

No. 4: “An act promoting the use of Mongol pencil No. 2 in grade schools because they make the best marks”

No. 3: “An act seeking to penalize pupils who will be caught chewing a classmate’s eraser, notebook, pad paper, and all forms of writing implements”

No. 2: “An act allowing teachers to sell ‘tocino’ and ‘polvoron’ in public elementary and secondary schools on Fridays only”

And the No. 1 predicted bill to be filed soon by Senator Lito Lapid…

“An act seeking to make ‘Recess’ an elective subject; pupils will be graded based on the nutritional value of the food they eat during the 15-minute break.”

Fired!
Kris Aquino has been told by the management of ABS-CBN to leave the poorly-rating game show “Pilipinas, Win na Win” starting Friday. Aquino was asked to quit the program following reports that several Kapamilya viewers have suffered from loss of hearing due to her ‘screaming’ habit.
———————-
“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Who The Heck?
Down-to-earth Politician [D2EP] has not seen long-lost dad for more than two decades – almost three decades, to be precise. Surprise! The father showed up just recently. According to D2EP’s uncle who was a witness to the reunion, while the father was filled with emotion, D2EP was like, “Uhmmm, okay.” Apparently, D2EP wasn’t as thrilled. Unknown to the public, D2EP grew up without a father. That’s the reason why instead of using the father’s last name, D2EP uses mom’s maiden name! Now you know. Clue: Enumerate the names of Jose Rizal’s siblings and you’ll get the answer!

Survey Says
Kaninong bersyon ng kuwento ang mas pinapaniwalaan n’yo:
- Archbishop Oscar Cruz 57.31%
- Tony Boy Cojuangco 2.4%
- Wala. 40.29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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NOYNOY INTERACTIVE

17 08 2010

EXACTLY 47 DAYS after President Noynoy Aquino took his oath of office, Malacañang unveiled its biggest accomplishment yet, the President’s website.

President Aquino’s official website, www.president.gov.ph provides a link to the members of his official cabinet. Reports say less than three hours after it was launched Monday, the site garnered more than 16,000 hits. In fact, the photo alone of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares was hit 15,000 times.


According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit http://www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Budget Secretary Butch Abad and wife, Congresswoman Dina Abad; PMS Chief Julia Abad, and Finance Secretary Purisima’s Chief of Staff Luis Abad visited the site together. Asked about their favorite link, they said, “Home.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

Top 7 Special Interactive Features of www.president.gov.ph

No. 7: Virtual practical shooting with President Noynoy

No. 6: Beat the Customs Chief in a Round of Online Golf

No. 5: Farmville (Philippine Edition): Stock Option or Land Distribution?

No. 4: KANPAi! Virtual inuman with the Executive Secretary and his friends

No. 3: 101 Ways to Fine-Tune A Defective Executive Order

No. 2: Tracking the Typhoon: Perfect Your Forecast or You’re Fired!

And the No. 1 special interactive feature of http://www.president.gov.ph…

Ako ang Nakikita, Ako ang Nasisisi: Halina’t Mag-Karaoke Kasama si Presidente

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited http://www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
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“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang pinag-uusapan ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Wala eh. ‘Sensya na. Hindi ako naninigarilyo!”
B: “Mahirap hong ipaliwanag eh. Basta, isang umaga, paggising ng mga legal advisers ko, ito na ho ang sabi nila sa akin, ‘Pare, hinay-hinay na tayo kay Chief Justice. Nega na ang dating eh.’”
C: “Mr. President, ‘wag mo sanang mamasamain. Four petitions against your EOs in less than 100 days?!? Sigurado ka bang graduate ng Ateneo Law School ‘yang mga tao mo?”
D: “Chief, ‘di naman sa nakikialam ako. Hypothetical lang ho. Kung isa kayo sa mga farmers sa Hacienda Luisita, ano ang pipiliin n’yo: kuwarta o lupa?”

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