ICYMI

21 02 2014

albie
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

albie
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

albie
In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

albie
Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Trusted
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

bakya
“Tweeter”
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

“Decapitated”
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

Traffic
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

Single
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

1
New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
——————————————-
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week
albie

albie

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]





EXCLUSIVE: NAPOLES BREAKS SILENCE

31 08 2013

janet 1
FOR THE FIRST TIME since her “surrender,” alleged P10-billion pork barrel scam perpetrator Janet Lim-Napoles is breaking her silence. And for the second time in just three weeks, she’ll be grilled by the most outspoken name in talk TV: Krissy.

2:30 PM, August 30, 2013
Makati City Jail

I’m baaaack! How are you naaa? Favorite n’yo talaga ako ‘no? Hay naku, I told Boy and Deo kanina, “Last na talaga ‘toh! Sa susunod you’ll have to pay me naaa.” Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, I’m outside Makati City Jail right now and… gosh, we have bulok jails pala talaga ‘no? How saaad! In a few minutes, I’ll be interviewing Ms Janet Lim-Napoles. I’m sure maraming magtataas ng kilay d’yan dahil pinayagan akong mag-interview. Care bears! Mamatay kayo sa inggit! Unang-una, hindi ko fault na nagri-rate ang interviews ko! At pangalawa, mataas ang commercial load ‘noh! So don’t be nega! Dapat love love love na lang. Teka, ang dami ko na palang sinabi! Wala naman akong kausap. Parang tanga lang. Aha-ha-ha! O, we’re here na! Where’s

Hi po Ma’am Krissy!

Ay! Nakakagulat ka naman! Bigla ka na lang sumusulpot Ms Janet! Sa’n ka ba galing?

Tumae po Ms Krissy!

Yuuuccck! Kadiri kaaa! I hate you naaa! Nag-hand sanitizer ka ba?

Hindi po.

Yuuuuuuucccck! Kadiri ka ulit! Here! I have extra. Sa ‘yo na!

Salamat po Ms Krissy.

Krissy na lang! And pleaaase! ‘Wag mong ipagdiinang ‘Miss’ pa ako. Choice ko ‘yon ‘noh! Start na tayo! How are you naaa?

Heto po. Medyo ‘di nakakatulog.

Medyo lang?!? I saw your mugshots girl! In fairness, parang three weeks ka nang gising. You look haggard naaaa.

‘Yun nga po ang ano eh. Sabi ko sa ano, sa pulis, “Kuya, ‘wag mo na akong piktyuran. Marami ako sa bahay bigyan na lang kita. Pangit ako ngayon.”

nap 2
Pangit ka ngayon??! Bakit? Pwede na bang i-sked ang ganda? I’m sure naloka sa ‘yo ang mga taga-Crame. Anyway, iwanan na natin ang ‘Blusang Itim’ anecdote mo. Let’s talk about your surrender! Anong naramdaman mo nang iannounce ni Kuya Noy na may patong kang 10 million pesos sa ulo?

Noong una, natuwa po ako. Pero nang tingnan ko sa salamin, wala namang nakapatong. So, nalungkot talaga ako.

Feeling ko nagtatanga-tangahan kaaaaa. But to be fair, you’re effortless. Promise. Wait, balik tayo sa events noong Wednesday. Pati ako na-curious. What happened ba talaga?

Ganito po kasi ‘yon. Naka-freeze po ang bank accounts ko sa ano ‘di ba? Eh ano nga po, ‘yon nga, si ano, si Attorney sobrang kulit. Humihingi ng bayad kasi kailangan na raw niyang bumili ng bagong shawl at makeup kit. Ubos na raw ang mascara niya. Eh wala naman akong hawak na pera. ‘Tapos bigla na lang nagsunud-sunod ang threats.

Saan galing ang threats? Senador ba ito? Congressman?

Hindi po. Kay Attorney mismo po! Sabi niya, “’Pag ‘di ako nakabili ng bagong shawl by Saturday, isinusumpa ko, magiging kamukha kita!” Eh naniniwala po ako sa sumpa kaya natakot talaga ako.

Naloloka ako sa kwento mo huh! Hiyang-hiya daw naman sa ‘yo ang lawyer mo! So paano ka napunta sa Malacañang?

Si ano po, si Attorney. Sabi niya, “Sayang ang 10 million! Nandito ka na rin lang, mabuti pa, pumunta ka sa palasyo at ituro mo ang sarili mo!” So gano’n na nga po ang ginawa ko. Pumunta na ako sa palasyo.

Bongga! So, ibinigay sa ‘yo ni Kuya Noy ang 10 million?

Hindi po. Joke lang daw po ‘yon. Wala naman daw talagang 10 million. ‘Bait’ lang daw.

1PALACENAP
Shocks. You’re so kawawa. Hay naku, blame your lawyer! She’s making fun of you naaaa. That woman talagaaaa! Anong next na nangyari nang nasa Malacañang ka?

Nakasalubong ko po si Ochoa at ‘yong bodyguard niya. Sabi n’ya, “Bro, anong ginagawa mo rito? Gabi na ah!” Nakakatawa. Hindi yata nila ako nakilala kasi naka-hoodie at robber shoes ako. Parang tanga lang ‘yong dalawa. Tapos… nang inalis ko ang aking hoodie, napasigaw po si Ochoa, “Ay, putang-ina. Ma’am Janet, ikaw ba ‘yan?” Sabi ko, “Jojo, long time no see ah.” ‘Tapos, ewan ko ba. Bigla na lang tumakbo palabas ng Malacañang ang dalawa. Hahaha

Stop there! This is so like grabe na talaga. Naloka siguro si Ochoa nang makita ka ‘noh? Are you friends?

No comment po Ms Krissy.

Fine! Nagtagal ka ba sa palasyo?

Mga two and a half hours po. Dumating kasi sina Secretary Lacierda, Almendras at Mar Roxas ‘tapos pati si Presidente nakipagkwentuhan pa. Kinilig po ako. Ngayon ko lang siya nameet. Photogenic pala sa malapitan. Then, sumunod rin si Attorney na may bagong shawl. May pera naman pala, nanakot pa. In short, medyo napasarap ang aming kwentuhan.

Winner ka talagaaaaa! Makipagchikahan daw ba sa Presidente?! Gabing-gabi… in rubber shoes and hoodie?!? Bongga ka!!!! ‘Tapos inescortan pa to Crame! Hindi na kita kinakaya! Janet… ikaw na!

Oo nga po eh.

1PALACENAP
In case you’re reading this Kuya Noy, you owe me one uh. You haven’t invited me to Malacañang for months ‘tapos si Ma’am Janet… may red carpet pa! I’m inggit naaaaa. Promiiiiiise! O, balik po tayo sa isyu. Hilong-hilo na kami sa ‘yo! From Heritage Park to Malacañang to Camp Crame to Makati City Jail to Fort Sto. Domingo… ano ‘to moro-moro?

Travel show po. Charot!

Did you just say ‘charot?’ Eeew. You’re so showbiz talaga. Let’s play a game na nga lang.

Gusto ko po ‘yan! Lagi po akong nanonood ng Game Ka Na Ba?

Talaga??? Sige nga, ano ang sinasabi ko kapag magsisimula na ang game?

“Laglagan naaaa!” Charot!

Hay naku, ini-etchos mo lang ako. ‘Hole in the Wall’ ‘yan noh! Sa kabilang channel ‘yan! Start na nga tayo. Janet, Game ka na ba?

Game na!

Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: ‘Ang taong nagigipit…’

Sa palasyo nakikipag-meet?!

I’ll accept that! Next: Ano ang O sa COA?

Ochoa?

Helllllow! Hindi ‘yon tao!

Hayop po si Ochoa?

Ang sloooow! Iba na nga lang. Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: Tell me who your friends are…

And I will be a state witness!

Asa pa you! Aha-ha-ha NEXT: Ano ang N sa NBI?

Naisahan?

Actually! Aha-ha-ha Last na nga lang: Kung si De Lima sa Katarungan, at si Carpio-Morales sa Ombudsman, saan naman si Mar Roxas?

My spokesman? Ay, hindi pala. Sorry po. Sorry po Secretary.

Alam mo, mapapahamak tayo sa ginagawa mo. Moving on… for two weeks, nag-disappear ka. Where did you go ba?

Tutal passed is passed na, aaminin ko na po. Tama po ba ang English ko? Sandali po “passed was passed” pala kasi past tense na. Bahala na. ‘Yon nga po. Tama po ‘yong ano, ‘yong tsismis. Never po akong umalis. Alam ni Attorney ‘yan dahil mismong sa mga pisngi niya ako nagtago. Palipat-lipat po ako sa makapal na foundation  kaya  ‘di masyadong pansinin. Minsan nga po, nagugulat at napapasigaw na lang siya ‘pag nananalamin, “Ay puk*. Anjan ka pala!” Hahaha

untitled
Alam mo, I don’t trust her talagaaaa. Promiiiise! O sha, last question na nga tayo kasi ililipat ka na raw sa Laguna: kung isasapelikula ang life story mo, sino ang gusto mong gumanap sa iyo?

Lani Mercado? Charot!

Stop it! I hate that word. Seryoso ako! Sinong gusto mong gumanap sa biopic mo?

Kayo po Ms Krissy.

Ako?!?!?!?

Hindi po. Kayo!

Uyyyy, buma-Vice Ganda s’yaaa! Ayaw ni Jessica ng ganyan!

Jessica Soho po?

Hindi. Jessica Soho! Aha-ha-ha! Gotcha! Bawi-bawi rin ‘pag may time! Bongga! Sandali! Bakit naman ako?

Pareho po tayong mayaman. Pareho po tayong maimpluwensya. Pareho po tayong sikat. Pareho po tayong close sa mga pulitiko at pulitika. At tayo po ay magkasing-ganda.

Excuse meeee! We’re not!

Sige na nga po. Ikaw lang ang tunay na maganda!

Yeyyyyyyyy!!! I love you naaaa!

Charot!

[End of Interview]

1K
FORT STO. DOMINGO
Sta. Rosa, Laguna

Advisory
This will be the schedule of visit. Please be guided accordingly.
Monday: Senators and Staff
Tuesday: Congressmen and Staff
Wednesday: National and Local Government Officials
Thursday: Members of the Clergy and Friends in the Judiciary
Friday: Friends in the Mass Media
Saturday: Friends in Showbiz
Sunday: Immediate Family

Note: The visit must be confirmed two days ahead of schedule.
Mahigpit na ipinagbabawal ang pagdadala ng sumusunod: lagare, maso, martilyo, spade (pala), pako, kutsilyo, screwdriver, baril, backhoe, at bathtub.
Maraming salamat po.
———————————————————————————–
“Going to jail is the failure of the individual to realize his limitations as a criminal.”
~ Bauvard, Evergreens Are Prudish

1KSound Bites
“Janet Lim-Napoles is just a normal person – like you and me.”
~ Lawyer Lorna Kapunan

Have a great September!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DELICADEZA? (THE NERVE!)

28 08 2013

1K
A SELF-PROCLAIMED “independent group” of congressmen wants Commission on Audit Chief Grace Pulido-Tan to resign after she admitted that COA’s report on the pork barrel spending of lawmakers contained two clerical errors. In case you didn’t know, that “independent” group is composed of infallible solons who are potential candidates for the papacy and years from now, for sainthood.

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

According to a bloc of congressmen, COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan should resign “out of delicadeza.” To which the public said, “You first!”

Dear Mr. Romualdez, if government people who have done “irreparable damage” to Congress must quit, what the fuck are you guys still doing there?

A group of solons called on COA Chief Grace Pulido-Tan to quit “out of delicadeza.”
“Dear Mr Romualdez,
Huwag mong gamitin ang aking pangalan. Hindi kita kilala!
Sincerely,
Delicadeza”

In case you’ve forgotten, Martin Romualdez was the congressman who paid for the $20,000 dinner (roughly P880,000) of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and company in Manhattan’s Le Cirque restaurant in 2009. That’s how you repair the image of Congress, right?

Context
Cavite Rep. Lani Mercado who got flak for saying “Basta ‘wag silang (constituents) hihingi sa amin!” – as a response to the proposed pork barrel abolition insisted that she was taken out of context. In two words, damage control.

Pork Poll
A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers and their cohorts.

Suits
Fugitive businesswoman Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles has filed four libel suits against journalists, a blogger and a fashion designer. She is seeking a total of 40 million pesos in damages from the respondents. Again, 40 million pesos. Or in Napoles’ terms, “22 Porsches.”

According to Janet Napoles, her daughter Jeane got sick after she read reports on her lavish lifestyle. Well, her lavishness was sickening.

Janet Napoles sued Rappler’s Natashya Gutierrez and a blogger for making public Jeane Napoles’ profligate lifestyle. If Janet Napoles is serious in seeking justice, she should sue her daughter too.

Suits
Reports say if Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles would surrender, authorities may use her as a state witness. Filipinos are in a state of shock.

President Aquino has announced a 10 million-peso reward for any information that would lead to the arrest of Janet Lim-Napoles. What’s the bounty for when you could simply ask the senators?

A 10 million-peso reward has been put up for information that would lead to the arrest of Janet Napoles. Psst! Kapunan, kagatin mo na!


Yachts, Denials
Latest reports say Janet Napoles may have escaped using one of three luxury yachts docked at the Manila Yacht Club. Both the authorities and the businesswoman are facing tough challenges: for the DOJ, it’s how to find her; for Napoles, it’s how to pronounce ‘yacht.’

Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

On Wednesday, lawyer Lorna Kapunan denied that Napoles owned luxury yachts. She reiterated that her client wasn’t involved in the pork barrel scam, and she denied knowing her whereabouts. Survey: Sinong naniniwala sa mga sinabi ni Lorna Kapunan? Itaas ang kanang kamay… ‘tapos, sampalin nang malakas ang sarili!
—————————————————-
“It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.”
~H. L. Mencken

Sound Bites
“What will happen if we will not take a direct hand (in the identification of projects)? Let’s just abolish Congress then.”
~ Senate President Franklin Drilon

“If members of Congress had any sense, they should just surrender on the PDAF issue and concentrate on legislation. Or if they’re interested in getting rich, they should just quit Congress and join the private sector or join the Abu Sayyaf in the hostage-taking business. In fact, what Napoles’ accomplices in Congress engaged in was pirate capitalism that is hardly different from the entrepreneurial activities of the Abu Sayyaf.”
~ Akbayan Rep. Walden Bello

Die pork scammers, die!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





‘NAKNAMPUTSCH

30 06 2009

zelaya
Zelaya and Arroyo
Leftist Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, who wanted to extend his term beyond January 2010, was recently ousted in a military coup. Asked if the news alarmed her, President Arroyo replied, “Bakit?!? Leftisht ba ‘ko?”

Did you hear the news about the Honduran president who wanted to extend his term beyond 2010 but was ousted in a military coup instead? Here’s a piece of trivia about him: he is not an adopted member of the Honduran Army chief’s military class.

NEWS-US-HONDURAS World leaders denounced the military in Honduras for ousting President Zelaya in a coup. US President Barack Obama told the coup plotters, “Do that in America and you’ll be jailed!” Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez warned them, “Do that in Caracas and you’ll be dead!” Philippine President Arroyo told them, “Do that in Manila and you’ll be senator!”

Sen. Lito Lapid was in the US when he first heard the news about the military coup that ousted Honduran President Zelaya. A concerned Lapid immediately phoned President Arroyo and told her, “Madam President, ‘wag na po tayong mag-Con Ass. Baka matulad kayo kay Presidente Zelaya. Hayun, pinatalsik ng AFP ng Honduras.”

elec Poll Automation
Heard about the consortium that won the Commission on Election’s poll automation contract? Barbados-based Smartmatic and its Filipino partner Total Information Management Corp. vowed to do quick counting of votes in 2010. Fast, speedy, rapid, swift counting of votes. In 48 hours, it’ll be over. They’re that quick! And to further give you an idea how fast this group works, they have already dissolved the consortium even before the polls could take place!

smartmatic Comelec Chief Jose Melo is confident Smartmatic and Total Information Management Corp. will set aside their “irreconcilable differences” and reunite for next year’s poll automation. Melo advised the two firms to try what he called “marriage of convenience.” You know, the same thing that will soon unite Mar and Korina.

Iran Polls
The unrest in Iran continues. Protesters want a re-election and not just a recount of votes amid cheating allegations. Yup, a re-election! You know who’s challenging the unpopular Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Randy David!

Michael Jackson’s Wealth
According to the Wall Street Journal, a 2002 will by Michael Jackson specifies that his estate will be divided among his mother, three children and one or more charities. This early though, the King of Pop’s family is bracing for a court battle… as Jamby Madrigal files a case contesting her being disinherited from the late singer’s estate.

Belo and Kho
According to lawyer Lorna Kapunan, “the old Hayden Kho is dead” and the new Hayden “is trying to be better.” In fact, Hayden swore he would never record his sexual trysts with different women again. He’ll just let a videographer do it for him!

vb Belo and Kho II
Almost two weeks after sexy actress Katrina Halili filed separate complaints seeking to revoke the professional and business licenses of Hayden Kho, and Vicki Belo’s clinic respectively, the grapevine is ripe with rumors that Hayden is still in a state of shock… while Belo is in a state of decomposition.

__________
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
~Albert Camus

Elsewhere…

Newsbreak asks… will the administration go for Noli or for Gibo in 2010?

Manila Standard’s Vic Agustin: Katrina Legarda vs. Loren Legarda.

20th Jaime V. Ongpin Awards for Excellence in Journalism: The Finalists.








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