CELEBRATIONS

Pac and Barack
Cong. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama during a White House visit Wednesday morning (Manila time). Obama promised to help Pacquiao knock out poverty in Sarangani Province; Pacquiao promised to help Obama knock out illegal Mexican immigrants in the US.

US President Barack Obama and Filipino lawmaker Manny Pacquiao met for the first time at the White House. Apparently awed by each other’s presence, Pacquiao’s first words were, “As an African-American, do you also like boxing?” And then Obama said, “As a Filipino leader, do you also like hotdogs?”

Accompanied by his wife Jinkee, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama at the White House. The two leaders exchanged gifts during lunch. Obama gave Pacman a watch with the presidential logo on it. Pacquiao gave Obama a pair of boxing trunks with his sponsors’ logos on it.

Reports say US Vice President Joe Biden was also present during the Obama-Pacquiao meeting. In fact, when Biden saw Jinkee Pacquiao, he said, “You remind me of my daughter.” And then Jinkee replied, “You remind me of our Senate president.”

Manny Pacquiao also met with Senator Harry Reid. Just so you know, Pacman endorsed Reid during the US midterm elections last year. So far, Reid is the only candidate, Filipino or American, that won after being endorsed by Pacman.

The People’s Champ and 8-division world champion Manny Pacquiao invited US President Barack Obama to watch his next fight against Sugar Shane Mosley… to which Obama said in Filipino, “Sino ‘yon?”

People Power Anniversary
Former presidents Fidel V. Ramos and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo as well as Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile will be invited to participate in the activities commemorating the 25th anniversary of the 1986 People Power Revolution. Even former president Joseph Estrada will be asked to join the celebration. It seems that Malacañang has invited everyone who was present during President Aquino’s inauguration last year… except for Juana Change.

SC: Impeach Mercy
The Supreme Court has voted to allow the House of Representatives to proceed with the impeachment proceedings against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Seven magistrates said “Yes!” for the continuation of the impeachment proceedings while five said “No.” Oddly, the three remaining justices said, “ugly but rich.”

Trillanes Fires Back
Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said the Philippine Daily Inquirer got it all wrong when the paper quoted him as saying that former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes was “not the powerful man” behind former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia. I’m not sure if that will be Trillanes’ final statement on the issue so I’ll reserve my punchline for next week. Mabuti na’ng sigurado.

Famous Solon
Rumors say Dinagat Rep. Ruben Ecleo Jr., who was recently convicted of graft, wants to star in his own movie. Ecleo is confident his film will make a killing at the tills because of his cult following.

Cong. Ruben Ecleo Jr. failed to get a TRO on the arrest warrant issued by the Sandiganbayan in connection with his graft conviction. Ecleo’s not losing hope though. He’ll seek the help of his god by offering a goat, two cows, and three cult members.

Shooting Phil
Phil Younghusband of the Philippine football team reveals he is into target shooting… to which President Noynoy Aquino said, “You want to work in my government?”

Enrile, Valentine’s Day, etc.
Senator Enrile turned a year older on February 14. Wanna know how old is he now? Here’s a clue: when he was born, there was no Valentine’s Day yet.

On Valentine’s Day, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 87th birthday. To mark this special day, Enrile staged a fake birthday party for himself.

Session at the Senate was briefly interrupted when Senator Enrile opened the gifts from his fellow senators. He thanked all of his colleagues for their birthday presents… except for an unidentified lawmaker who gave him a Fossil watch.

Senator Enrile got the surprise of his life when ABS-CBN President Charo Santos phoned him on his 87th birthday. The Kapamilya executive offered Enrile a cameo in the fantasy series, ‘Imortal.’

Turning 35 and 87 on Valentine’s Day, respectively were TV host Marc Nelson and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile… or as Sen. Loren Legarda would describe them, “A very active guy who is boyfriend material, and Marc Nelson.”

Not everyone was happy on the day of hearts. Rumors have it Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV got pissed when he opened his wife’s Valentine’s Day gift – flip-flops!

Overheard
“Dear Mr. President,
Noong kasagsagan ng kampanya, nag-promise kang ibubuhos mo ang iyong atensyon sa akin kapag nanalo ka. Pero anong nangyari? Kung kailan Araw ng mga Puso, saka ka nawalan ng kibo? How could you?
Nagtatampo,
Freedom of Information Bill”

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ako si Bernardo Carpio! Naiipit sa dalawang nag-uumpugang balo, este bato.”
B: “Pia, naaamoy mo ba ang naaamoy ko?” “Ano ‘yon Senator Loren?” “Parang amoy formaline?!”
C: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”
D: “Teka! Teka! Hinay-hinay lang girls. Sumisikip ang pantalon ko!”
————————————
“They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.”
~Author Unknown

Survey Says
Ikaw, anong pipiliin mong maging partner?
- Pangit pero super rich 25.19%
- Maganda/Guwapo pero poor 19.26%
- Wala na lang. Choosy ako. 55.56%

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PERSONS OF INTEREST

THE FILIPINO-CHINESE community will be celebrating Chinese New Year this week. Aside from the usual fireworks display, there will be dancing, drinking, singing, and the most anticipated part of the Armed Forces of the Philippines – “gift giving.”

Rabusa’s Exposé
During a Senate hearing last week, retired Lt. Col. George Rabusa, erstwhile military budget officer revealed that former Armed Forces chiefs allegedly received millions of pesos in “gifts” drawn from military funds. It turned out however that there was really nothing new in Rabusa’s revelation because this tradition in the Philippine military antedates Santa Claus himself.

Former AFP chief Angelo Reyes allegedly amassed more than P100 million during his 20-month tenure plus no less than P50 million “pabaon” when he retired in 2001. In a Senate hearing, an emotional Reyes confronted retired Lt. Col. George Rabusa and asked, “Ikaw na ang magsabi, ako ba’y naging ganid o suwapang?” No sir, that’s not ganid; that’s not swapang. That’s plunder.

Are you familiar with Lt. Col. George Rabusa?? As a former military budget officer, he was used by his superiors to amass millions of pesos from military funds. Today, he is being used by the Estradas to get back at Angelo Reyes. Apparently, he’s getting used to it.

Chaos in Cairo
In the Northern African nation of Egypt, thousands of protesters are camping out against the regime of President Hosni Mubarak. Just so you know, Mubarak has been in power for 29 long years… or as the Binays of Makati City would say, “Bago pa lang.”

Thousands of Egyptians are camping out in Egypt demanding the ouster of President Hosni Mubarak. Demonstrators wanted him out of their country. In case he flees, Mubarak is not sure where to go yet although the 84-year-old leader has received “exile offers” from Israel, France, and Senator Loren Legarda.

Interesting
As authorities continue to hunt down the perpetrators of the bombing of a bus in Makati City last week, the Philippine National Police released Friday computer generated images (CGI) of two men whom they described as “persons of interest” – or as the PNP would say but couldn’t, “Sana ay sila na nga.”

In connection with the recent bombing of a bus in Makati City, the PNP released the CGI of two men whom they referred to as “persons of interest” – otherwise known as “the CHR is watching so let’s just call them as such.”

Authorities have released the CGI of two “persons of interest” in connection with the bombing of a passenger bus in Makati City last week. In an interesting turn of events, starlet Katrina Paula told the media that one of the men was her boyfriend.

Bruno Mars
Filipino-American R&B artist Bruno Mars is facing a court case for cocaine use. If his career takes a major hit because of drugs, he plans to just settle in the Philippines and run for Congress.

Cars
According to a study, a woman’s least favorite spot for sex is the car. Yes Mr. President, that includes Porsche.
————————————-
“Who lies for you will lie against you.”
~Bosnian Proverb

This just in!
Carjacking near Ayala. Flooding in Jeddah. Nonstop rains in South Africa. And now, KC and Piolo na? Strange times indeed. Strange times. Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with you…

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong bahagi ng destabilization plot ang isyu ng carjacking at ang naganap na pambobomba sa bus sa Makati?
- No! Kalokohan. 27.56%
- ‘Yong bombing ng bus, posible. ‘Yong, carjacking, hindi. 47.44%
- YES to both! May mga grupong sinusubukan ang kakayahan ng gobyerno. 25%

PERSONAL

Last Saturday, we had so much fun playing another game on Twitter. Tweeps were asked: Ano ang isasagot mo kapag sinabihan ka ni Pangulong Aquino: “Will you marry me?” Check out the list of the funniest entries here.

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Have a safe Monday and enjoy another great week!

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

The Proclamation: A Postscript
In today’s proclamation ceremony at the House of Representatives, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile requested the families of both President-elect Noynoy Aquino and Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay to join the two winning candidates in front. People in the gallery knew that Noynoy’s sisters would be joining him, but others were guessing ‘which’ Binay family would come forward.

Even before the proclamation, Loren Legarda has conceded defeat to Jejomar Binay. But Legarda clarifies, she isn’t conceding yet to Noli De Castro.

Outgoing senator Mar Roxas, as we all know, is not about to concede the vice presidency to Jojo Binay. Unless Korina says so.

Sketchy reports say Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes might concede to Noynoy Aquino within the week. But the three losing presidential candidates swear they will never ever concede to Vetellano Acosta.

Ang Tweet Naman!
Noynoy Aquino and Jojo Binay were both proclaimed today. Would you like to know the thoughts of other political figures and celebrities about (and during) today’s event? Let’s hack into their Twitter accounts to find out! These were ‘allegedly’ posted between 2PM and 4PM.

Say_ChizEscudero Still here in the holding room. Okay na okay dito kasi may smoking area.
16 minutes ago via Twitterrific

James_YapMVP Sana pala tinapos ko muna ang game ng Boston at Lakers. Sabi kasi ni Babez, mabilis lang ang proclaimashon. Pero bakit ganito? Ang daming speech. Boring na boring na ‘ko.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

simplyNoynoy i forgot my Marlboro sa kotse. Pareng @Say_ChizEscudero, paiskor naman ng isang stick diyan.
14 minutes ago via Twitterrific

i_am_KrisAquino @James_YapMVP Babe, behave. Nag-usap na tayo ‘di ba? Andito sina Ate Viel at Kuya Dodo. Tsaka si Ate Pinky at Kuya Eldon. Nakakahiya kung aalis ka. ‘Di pa napu-proclaim si Kuya.
9 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone

JoseSixtoDantesIII Preparing for Senator Noy’s proclamation. Nope, Marian won’t be with me. Masama ang gising eh. Murahin ba naman ako kanina ng “put*ng-i*a!” Iniwan ko nga!
About two hours ago

Sen_Mar_Roxas This is not right. This is not just right. Ako ang dapat na nasa Batasan ngayon. Ako ang dapat na ipu-proklama!
5 minutes ago via TweetDeck

DinkySoliman I’m baaaack! Lolz!
About an hour ago

Rated_K B*llsh*t%ll#^s*h^465*&T@!! Buwisit! ^8$#%#u6#*!#0 Buwisit! Hon, nasaan ka ba? Sabi mo uuwi ka before two o’clock!
About 30 minutes ago via web

TheFirm @DinkySoliman Akala mo ikaw lang?! We’re back too! Happy days are here again! Lolz! LMAO!

BoyAbunda Can’t concentrate on the speeches. It’s so hot in here. But Dingdong Dantes is so much hotter. Kagwapong bata.
15 minutes ago via web

Sen_Mar_Roxas @Rated_K Hon, what did I tell you? Turn off the freakin’ television! I’ll be there in a while.
11 minutes ago via TweetDeck

Ogie_Songwriter @SongBird Here na ko sa Batasan. I’m flanked by Shalani and Ma’am Dinky Soliman. Will meet you at GMA Annex Bldg after the proclamation. Kailangang mag-rehearse. Talo na naman tayo ng ASAP last Sunday. Hugs!
4 minutes ago via web

NogralesINTHEHOUSE @maloumangahas_PCIJ pagkatapos nitong proclamation, mag-usap tayo. kailangang mag-usap tayo. or else…
8 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Having late lunch with Nanay. Instructed my sisters not to turn the TV or radio on while the proclamation is ongoing. Masasaktan lang ang matanda.
25 minutes ago via Tumblr

Rated_K @Sen_Mar_Roxas Nakakairita! Ang ingay ng mga naka-dilaw sa gallery. I’m sure, mga bayarang squatters ‘yan na hinakot sa Makati. Mga walang class!
6 minutes ago via web

TheRealLorenLegarda *Sigh* Al Gore has flown back to the US. ‘Di man lang kami nakapag-usap. @Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Hi to Nanay Curing. Did she like the orange duster I sent her last Monday?
18 minutes ago via Ping.fm

ka_joma_sison @KaSatur, @KaPaengMariano, @KaLizaMaza ikasa n’yo na ang pambansang kilos-protesta sa inauguration ng naghaharing uring noynoy na ‘yan! walang dapat sayanging sandali! ibagsak ang oligarkiya!
3 seconds ago via UberTwitter

JustJamby Is that Shalani Soledad beside Ogie Alcasid? Woot! Woot! Lakas ng dating niya pare! @ka_joma_sison ‘musta na po kayo? baka dumalaw ako diyan soon. regards to ka luis jalandoni
18 minutes ago via UberTwitter

comm_larrazabal seated near the aquinos and commissioner melo. naiilang ako. nakatitig lagi sa kin ‘yung friend ni kris na si paul cabral. aarrgh!
about 1 hour ago via HootSuite

Rated_K Those traitors in yellow are now chanting Noy-Bi! Noy-Bi! Eh ‘di inamin n’yo rin. Nanlaglag nga kayo noong eleksyon!
8 minutes ago via web

Say_ChizEscudero Mahirap nang patulan ang mga inggit at talunan. They have nothing to lose anyway.
25 minutes ago via txt

Rated_K @Say_ChizEscudero Ay, bakit may nagre-react? Wala naman akong binabanggit na pangalan ah.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Sen_Mar_Roxas Hon, sabi nang cool ka lang eh. We’re filing an election protest soon! @ButchAbad Aabot ba ng 800 thousand ang null votes ko? Kung hindi, baka magsasayang lang tayo ng oras?
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP @GaryOlivar please update me sha proclamashion gary. Shobrang lamig pala dito sa Shanghai. Feeling ko magkaka-shakit ako. Diretsho na muna ko sha Lubao pag-uwi. Bahala na kayo sa palashyo huh.
15 minutes ago via web

Rated_K Yuckkkk. Mula anak hanggang apo, maitim. Ang lakas ng loob na idisplay sa Batasan ang buong pamilya! ‘Di naman kagandahan ang lahi! Hmpf! Makapag-pa-facial na nga lang! Sayang ang oras ko sa mga traydor!
13 minutes ago via web

Rgcruz_ABSCBN @tjmanotoc and @KIKOpangilinan are you guys on Twitter now? I heard my babaeng nagwawala. Mad na mad raw habang nanonood ng proclamation. True ba?
About 1hour ago via Tumblr

tjmanotoc @Rgcruz_ABSCBN No comment. I really don’t want to get into trouble again. Ask mo na lang si @ConradDQuiros_PDI
About 30 minutes ago via web

GMA_RP Ganung kabilish? Eh bakit ‘yung proklamashyon ko, inabot ng alas-dose ng hatinggabi? @GaryOlivar Ma’am, tapos na po ang proclamation. Kaninang 4o’clock pa na-proklama ang dalawa.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

ConradDQuiros_PDI @tjmanotoc and @Rgcruz_ABSCBN Even here in Twitter, there’s an ongoing clash between good and evil. ‘Nuff said. @simplyNoynoy Congratulations! May the force be with you until 2016!
7 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

GuidoDelgado_lovesNP just received a copy of a psychiatric report. this is revealing. will send copies to the media after the proclamation.

James_YapMVP @i_am_KrisAquino Babez, mauna na ‘ko. Hinahanap na raw ako ni Josh. MagDo-DotA pa kami. Love you babez.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

QuiboloyOnline Congratulations to our new president. Sasabihin ko na ang totoo. Ikaw talaga ang lumabas sa vision ko before the elections. Kaya lang, ‘di kita type.
half a minute ago via API

MannyVPangilinan Here’s my unsolicited advice to our new president. Noy, it is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.
About 30 minutes ago via web

ANC_RickyCarandang @MannyVPangilinan sir, i think the advice u gave noynoy wasn’t original. That’s a quote from Nelson Mandela. You must apologize!
2 minutes ago via UberTwitter

mannypacmanpacquiao Watch up? ‘Muzta kau jan sa ating bansa? Ditu kami ni Jinkee sa Mixicu with Bob Arum. Rigards sa inyung lahat jan sa Batasan. Kay Paring Nuynuy, kungratz! Basta, pasalamat ka lang lagi kay Lord. ‘Tsaka, kaya mo ‘yan. Gudlak. At lagi kayong manood ni Shalani ng Pinuy Rikurds! Hehehe Juk lang!
1 minute ago via web

joeySalceda_of_albay Bonggang-bongga ang proclamation ni Noy! Winner! At nang dumating si Dingdong, naloka ang mga utaw! As in! I’m sure, bobongga rin ang ating ekonomiya! @dantonremoto naku naman professor, baka maunahan ka pa ni noynoy dito, nakakahiya. so fly ka na here sa resto! lafanggerzz ever! now na!
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP thanks for the updates @GaryOlivar! i am starting to love shanghai, china. ooops, gtg. naghihintay na shi mike. mag-go-golf muna kami. and don’t worry gary, hindi namin kashama ang mag-ashawang jose at gina de venecia. nandiyan shila sha batashan. so it’s safe. ‘noh?
——————————–
“The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.”
~James Garfield

The Final Tally

(Note: Vetellano Acosta got 181,985 votes/Courtesy of ABS-CBN News)

Survey Says
Should ‘sex education’ be taught in grade school?
Absolutely! 64%
No way! 24%
Hmmm, i’ll think about it. 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
And just like that, the Los Angeles Lakers have regained homecourt advantage. We’re wrapping up the series in 6! Wohoo!

For updates and more insane posts, follow me on Twitter.

BREAK KUNG BREAK!

Congressional Canvass
Have you been following the news on the congressional canvass of the votes for president and vice president? Reports say PCOS machines failed to allegedly read some 2.6 million votes for vice president. Congress refers to these as “null” votes… or as Mar Roxas would call it, “my last hope.”

House Speaker Prospero Nograles says presidential frontrunner Noynoy Aquino is expected to be officially proclaimed on Monday, June 7. Also on Monday, Congress will bestow Vetellano Acosta the “Overachiever Award.”

Noy Rests
Before his anticipated proclamation next week, Noynoy Aquino has taken a five-day break to prepare for his six-year term. Meanwhile, Mar Roxas has also taken a two-day break… to prepare for his three-year election protest.

Photo of the Weak:
Isang araw sa Batasang Pambansa

(L-R) Congressmen Eduardo Zzzialcita, Art Defensor and Rufus Rodriguez. Ano ang angkop na titulo o caption sa larawang ito?
A: Whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first make sleepy
B: “Lord, bigyan mo po ako ng lakas ng loob na tularan si Congressman Zialcita sa kanyang lantarang pagtulog habang may sesyon sa Kamara! Amen.”
C: “Mga baga mo ug nawong mao nga napildi mo adtong miaaging eleksyon. Gaba ra ninyo!”
D: “Mr. Speaker, distinguished colleagues, sabay-sabay nga tayo please… ‘Walaaaaaaang tulugan!”

Special Polls
The Liberal Party is confident that Noynoy Aquino shall win in Lanao Del Sur, Western Samar, Sarangani, and Basilan where special elections are being held today, June 3. Question: If Noynoy wins the special elections, would residents of those provinces refer to him as their ‘special president?’

CBCP & Cabral
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines appealed to President-apparent Noynoy Aquino not to retain Esperanza Cabral as health secretary. The CBCP made the appeal after Secretary Cabral insisted that “healing masses” have “No Approved Therapeutic Claims.”

Overseas…
After four decades of blissful union, former US vice president Al Gore and wife Tipper have called it quits. Tipper lamented that for the past five or six years, the only thing that roused Al Gore’s interest was the ozone hole.

Some people say former US vice president Al Gore and Loren Legarda should go on a date. Why not? After all, Loren likes recycling.
————————–
“Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.”
~ Will Rogers

Survey Says
Saan dapat manirahan si Noynoy Aquino pagkatapos ng kanyang proklamasyon bilang presidente?
Sa Malacañang dahil ito ang opisyal na tirahan ng pangulo ng Pilipinas 40%
Sa Times Street: Kung saan ka masaya, suportahan ta ka! 9%
Wala akong pakialam! Pati ba naman ‘yan puproblemahin ko pa? 51%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Game 1. Friday. 9AM.
Staples Center.
Lakers forever.
Handa na ba kayo?

MAR OH MAR!

NOYNOY AQUINO and Jejomar Binay topped ABS-CBN and Pulse Asia’s exit polls. Mar Roxas is now thinking of a ‘gracepoll’ exit.

But another report says, until the last vote is counted, Mar Roxas will not concede the vice presidency… and Korina Sanchez will not concede to Dr. Ellen B.

Happy Birthday!
Sen. Mar Roxas is celebrating his 53rd birthday today, May 13. This morning, he got the surprise of his life when Korina Sanchez blew his candle.

Rumors say Mar Roxas wants to invite everyone, including his political enemies to a Tom and Jerry-themed party. Roxas wants to play Tom, Binay will be the Jerry.

But his wife Korina insists on having a cowboy-themed celebration. She can’t wait to shoot Chiz Escudero.

Korina has also rejected another suggestion to have a Batibot-inspired party. She really hates Kiko Matsing.

Doňa Judy Araneta-Roxas has another idea though. She wants her son to invite Nanay Curing Villar for a Barney and Friends Birthday Party. You know, dinosaurs.

Why, even the newest Liberal, Joey Salceda has a suggestion – an X-Men themed event!

Several Iglesia ni Cristo members have confirmed attendance to Mar Roxas’ party. But the INC members will bring just one common gift for him.

Loren Legarda will also attend the party. But before accepting the invitation, she made sure that ABS-CBN is not covering it live and no Wireless Audience Response System will be used during the event.

Unconfirmed reports say Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros has been invited to speak at the birthday party. So expect the columnist to endorse Roxas in the next elections.

You know who else is celebrating his birthday today? Robert Pattinson. Yeah, sharing the same birthday today are Robert Pattinson and Mar Roxas – one whose career was launched via ‘Twilight’ and another who’s in the twilight of his career.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Senator, this is TJ Manotoc. I have good news on your birthday. Got two complimentary tix here for the repeat concert of Tears for Fears. Would you like to watch the show with Korina?”

No. 9: “Mar, si Loren ‘to. Ayaw ko nang makipagplastikan. Prangkahan na. Kung malungkot ka sa iyong birthday dahil nakakalamang si Binay, ako hindi. Masayang-masaya ako for Mayor Binay. At ito ang tandaan mo: kung kay Noli De Castro, never akong nag-concede, lalong hindi sa ‘yo!”

No. 8: “Isang mainit na pagbati sa iyong kaarawan Senador Roxas! Si Chiz Escudero ito. Ilang tulog na lang, 2016 na. Handa ka na ba?”

No. 7: “Hello Manuel! This is your Tita Gloria Angara. Your Tito Edong is sending his warm birthday greetings to you! Pero maiba ako iho. Sino ‘yung nag-iwan ng message No. 9 sa ‘taas? Ang bitter naman ng babaeng ‘yun. Hindi maka-move on!”

No. 6: “Mar, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. ‘Wag kang malungkot. Birthday na birthday mo pa naman. Alam mo ba ang regalo ko sa ‘yo? Sssssssh, ‘wag kang maingay. Atin-atin lang ‘to. ‘Yung bise presidente ko… walang B! Walang “boto” mula sa ‘kin! Ayos ba?”

No. 5: “eOw poh sEnAdOR! kMi p0Wh ANG mgA jejeMOn Ng eaSt RemBo, Mkti cItY P0wh.~ ky BiNay,~ gGNDA aNG buHay L0lZ! mAligYng Bati na Rin~ pow! JEjej3!

No. 4: “Birthday greetings Senator Roxas! Thank you so much for the support! Kung ‘di po dahil sa inyo noon, wala sana ako ngayon. Nagmamahal, EVAT Law.”

No. 3: “Mar, partner, si Noy ‘to. Happy birthday ‘tol! ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Magtutulungan pa rin tayo para sa bayan dude. Kung matalo ka man, nandito pa rin ako pare. Remember, I’m still single. Since wala naman akong First Lady, baka interesado kang maging First Gentleman o kaya First Best Friend. Basta walang malisya bro.”

No. 2: “Hon, alam ko birthday mo. Pero, bakit?!? Bakiiiiiiiiiiit?!? Ano ang kasalanan ko sa Itaas at pinaparusahan ako ng ganito katindi? I took a leave from my freakin’ job. Sinagot kita! Ipinagtanggol kita! Pinakasalan kita! Sinipingan pa nga kita kahit medyo… eww! Pero bakit? Kulang pa ba ang mga sakripisyo kong ito?”

And the No.1 birthday message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…

“Hi Marrrrrrrrrr! This is Krissy! Gosh! It’s your birthday pala today! I almost forgot. Mabuti na lang, Tito Jojo Binay reminded me about it over dinner last night! Gosh, this is so embarrassing! Forgetful na talaga ang lola mo, pasensya na! Anyway, happy, happy birthday and I sincerely wish na ma-enjoy mo ang ‘yong pagiging ordinary citizen. Pakisabi kay Tita Koring, I miss her. Well, slight. Gosh! She won’t be Second Lady nga pala noh? How saaaaad! Bye, bye for now! I need to go. Oh my! Baby James, ano ba! ‘Wag mong dilaan ‘yang Villar bracelet. That’s dirty! Gosh this kid!”

In Other News…
Former Lakas stalwart-turned-Noynoy Aquino supporter Joey “She’s a lucky bitch” Salceda was re-elected governor of Albay. Sought for comment on his victory, Salceda blurted out, “Ay! Winner! Nilampaso ko nang bonggang-bongga ang candidate No. 2! As in!”

JC: ‘Not yet Noynoy’
Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has withdrawn his concession to Noynoy Aquino. It takes a lot of guts to do something like that especially if you’re someone who couldn’t even win an election against Vetellano Acosta.

Lani in the House!
Actress Lani Mercado is now a lawmaker. Can you believe it? Well, I can’t. Sampalin n’yo ko! Sampalin n’yo ko!

Lani Mercado has been elected congresswoman in Cavite. She will represent the province’ district 2 – the country’s congressional district with the second highest number of masochists next only to Saranggani.

Critics Proven Wrong
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist and Noynoy Aquino endorser Conrado De Quiros, and activist lawyer Harry Roque – two of the most prominent poll automation naysayers (who doubted the capabilities of both the Comelec and Smartmatic) admitted that they have been proven wrong as the May 10 elections turned out to be a credible and successful exercise. Tinangka ni Professional Heckler na hingan ng pahayag ang dalawa ngunit kapwa sila tumanggi dahil kumakain pa raw sila… ng kanilang mga salita.
—————————–
“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character.”
~Richard Nixon

Survey Says…
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pangkalahatang proseso ng katatapos na halalan?
Astig! Ang bilis! Sulit ang ipinila ko! 19%
Puwede na. Pero puwede pang ma-improve! 79%
Ibalik sa dati. Manual na lang tayo. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
If you still doubt Iglesia ni Cristo’s ability to vote solidly as a bloc, check out these figures from Rodriguez, Rizal, a known INC stronghold: Here. And here. Another. And one more.

Sheila Coronel for CNN: In the Philippines, clans and guns still rule

Philippine Daily Inquirer: How did the Binay blitzkrieg come about?

Personal
Huli man at magaling, kailangan pa ring sabihin. Huge thanks to broadcast networks for the comprehensive coverage of the elections! Mabuhay kayo mga Kapamilya, Kapatid, Kapuso, at kung sinu-sino pang mga ka-K diyan!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

MADAM CURING

AN EMOTIONAL NANAY CURING VILLAR, mother of presidential candidate Manuel Villar Jr. faced the media to defend her son against his critics. The press con organized by Villar’s media group has just earned for Nanay Curing the distinction of being the oldest campaign paraphernalia yet.

The 86-year-old mother of presidential candidate Manny Villar spoke to the media to defend her son against his critics. Not to be outdone, the Aquino family is rumored to be conducting a séance to give Cory a chance to defend Noynoy.

Newspapers and news programs carried the story of Nanay Curing Villar’s press con with her daughters Baby, Vicky, Lourdes, and Cecile… marking the first time that newscasts and news reports mentioned the names of a presidentiable’s sisters other than Ballsy, Pinky, Kris, and Viel.

An emotional Nanay Curing Villar faced the media to defend her son against his critics. Nanay Curing became emotional when she learned that she’d be facing the cameras without her favorite interviewer, Boy Abunda.

In a presscon organized by her son’s media group, Nanay Curing Villar became emotional, her blood pressure shooting up to 130 over 90. But one of her daughters, Baby Villar-Benedicto was even more emotional. Lashing at the Aquino camp, and denouncing two media networks for their alleged bias, Baby’s blood pressure shoots up to 150 over acting.

Top 5 Questions that Allegedly Made Nanay Curing Cry During Her PressCon

No. 5: Kumusta po bilang manugang si Congresswoman Cynthia Villar?

No. 4: Totoo po bang nag-Pasko kayo sa gitna ng kalsada? Kung oo, wala po bang dumaang sasakyan?

No. 3: Magkano po ang TF na tinanggap n’yo sa paglantad n’yo ngayon?

No. 2: Who are you wearing?

And the No. 1 question that allegedly made Nanay Curing cry during her press con…

Bakit po ninyo pinayagang maligo sa dagat ng basura si Manny gayong alam n’yong delikado ito sa kanyang kalusugan?

In Other News…
Loren and Surveys
According to the latest SWS/Business World survey, Sen. Loren Legarda drops to No. 3 in the vice presidential race. The survey reportedly alarmed Legarda who has always enjoyed being No. 2.

Teodoro for Duterte
Gilbert Teodoro has reportedly endorsed the Dutertes of Davao City. But mayoral candidate Prospero Nograles is unfazed by Gibo’s endorsement of his rivals. In fact, Nograles is so confident of winning against Sarah Duterte that he allegedly vowed to run naked around the city if he loses in the May 10 polls.

Sanchez, Critical
Doctors say former Batangas governor and Nacionalista Party gubernatorial bet Armando Sanchez is comatose after suffering a stroke yesterday. Asked about Sanchez’ chance of survival, the doctor replied, “Tumbok na diyes porsiyento, sahod na singko!”

Doctors say former Batangas governor Armand Sanchez has 5- to 10-percent chance of survival. Out of respect for Sanchez’ condition, jueteng draws in the province have been indefinitely postponed.

UPDATED: 8:23PM/Tuesday
Former Batangas Governor Armand Sanchez is dead. The Nacionalista Party is looking for a replacement candidate. Rumors say there are at least three names being considered. At press time though, they haven’t picked one. Binobola pa raw.

Jamby’s Protest
Sen. Jamby Madrigal has started her hunger strike. It will last until May 10… meaning, she’d probably be the first presidential candidate ever to spend election day in the hospital. Taray!

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ang bunsu mu bang si Jude ang prublima mu? Itu ang dapat mung gawin. Papuntahin mu sa timplu ku at aking ipi-pray uvir. Kapag ‘di nagbagu, supurtahan mu na lang kung saan siya injuy.”
B: “O, bakit napakamut ka sa ulu? Simpli lang naman ang riquist ku. ‘Wag mung papakialaman ang aking rial istit vinture in kis manalu ka uli.”
C: “Ganitu na lang. Kapag si Quibuluy, nag-Tiuduru, ang CBCP ay nag-Nuynuy, at ang Iglisia ay nag-Villar, ikaw ang iindursu ku. Amen?? Amen!”

——————-
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~French Proverb

Survey Says…
Should election surveys be banned?
DAPAT LANG! 41%
HINDI NOH! 42%
EWAN. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

YEAH, SURE!

AFTER THE DEFECTION of Mandaluyong’s Neptali Gonzales III, and Albay’s Joey Salceda, Noynoy Aquino has a new endorser: Asia’s Time magazine!

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of the Asian edition of Time magazine. But being on the cover of a widely-read material is not new to Aquino. Since he declared his bid, the Philippine Daily Inquirer has been doing that.

Noynoy Aquino landed on the cover of Time magazine. Not to be outdone, Manny Villar will soon be on the cover of El Shaddai Weekly.

Noynoy Aquino made it on the cover of Time. Not to be outdone, Joseph Estrada will be on the cover of Pastime.

Mar Roxas’ Statement
Interviewed on radio station dzMM, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he has already reserved the family-owned Araneta Coliseum for Aquino’s oath taking.

In a radio interview, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Pag natalo si Noynoy, nadaya siya.” Roxas is so sure of Noynoy’s victory, he’s no longer thinking of the May 10 elections. He’s thinking of Aquino’s first 100 days.

Erap’s Birthday
Former president Joseph Estrada turns 73 years old on Monday, April 19. When Erap’s running mate Jejomar Binay was informed about his birthday, Binay reportedly realized how powerful he has become. You see, Erap was only 49 when Binay first became mayor!

Joseph Estrada turns 73 on Monday, April 19. Despite his age, Erap still feels like 18, and if rumors are true, he is planning to have a cotillion. The deposed president is reportedly excited about the 18 candles, 18 treasures, and 18 wives.

MVP & Plagiarism: A Postscript
Business tycoon Manuel V. Pangilinan has resigned “irrevocably” as chairman of the Board of Trustees of the Ateneo de Manila University. Ateneo will issue an official statement as soon as it has verified that no portion of Pangilinan’s letter of resignation was plagiarized.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “Nakakapagod talaga ang kampanya! Pati butas ng aking ilong, lumalaki na yata!”
B: “Wala akong pakialam kung si Mar ang inendorso ni Kabayan. Mas maganda pa rin ako sa kanya!”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman ako napansin ng mga boys, ewan ko na lang!”

Ano ang sinasabi ng babae sa larawan?
A: “’Yun ang sabi ko sa asawa mong si Cynthia kanina. Never dress down for the poor. They won’t respect you for it. They want their First Lady to look like a million dollars.”
B: “Anong nakakatawa? All I am asking is a state funeral for Ferdie sa iyong first 100 days. Otherwise, I’m going to cast my lot with Erap. Do I make myself clear?”
C: “C’mon! You expect me to adopt your pitch about the basura and the dagat and the kalsada? How filthy! You know me. Garbage is neither my cup of coffee nor my bottle of iced tea. I can only campaign on a platform of beauty.”

Iceland’s Volcano
Several thousands of passengers were stranded in Asia as air traffic across Northern Europe was halted following the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano that sent tons of ash and particles into the sky. Authorities couldn’t release a new advisory on air travel yet because they’re still busy learning how to correctly pronounce ‘Eyjafjallajokull.’
—————–
“Arrogance diminishes wisdom.”
~Arabian Proverb

Survey Says
On Albay Governor Joey Salceda’s decision to bolt Lakas:
Kawalan siya sa partido! 25%
Parang wala namang epekto. 44%
Hindi ko siya kilala! 31%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak:
Lakas-Kampi defections: Villaroyo or Gloriaquino?

Who did Hilario Davide really resign for?

HOLY WEAK, TOO

The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News…
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
——————————
“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.

TRUST

PINOY POLITICS 2010: Modern Election Terms

Bloc Voting
See Iglesia ni Cristo.

Campaign
A series of planned deception to get someone elected

Celebrity endorser
A prominent tool of deception

Defeated candidate
He who cries fraud

First-Termer
Vulture in the making

Flying voter
A person who exercises suffrage repeatedly as a means of livelihood

Governor
Just recently, an elective official whose term ends two months before the elections
May also refer to a defeated candidate who wins a recount; Duration of term is two months or less

House of Representatives
Crocodile farm

Iglesia ni Cristo
See Bloc Voting.

Maverick politician
What Joker Arroyo has become less of

Miting De Avance
Culminating activity of a circus

Liberal recruit
A turncoat

Mudslinging
What Liberals and Nacionalistas enjoy doing most

Nacionalista recruit
See Liberal recruit.

Noontime show
For politicians, the best place to pop the question to your girlfriend

Padyak (Pedicab)
A campaign tool with cringing effect resulting in disastrous survey performance

Partido Lakas-Kampi-CMD recruit
There’s no such thing.

Permit to campaign
A fund-raising concept in the countryside originated by Jose Maria Sison and his cohorts
Also known as ‘extortion’

Platform
Recycled promises in written form

Political ad
Half-truths presented in creative form

Political party
Source of funds

(The) Poor
Campaign paraphernalia in human form

Pork Barrel
A totally harmless budget with the purest and noblest of intentions until it is allocated to lawmakers

2010 Presidential forum
An organized debate where Villar-bashing has a time limit

Recount
Spend at your own risk

Reelectionist
A politician who has yet to recover the amount he spent in the previous elections

Vegetarian
A lawmaker who doesn’t know the price of “galunggong” and doesn’t eat eggs
———-

IN CASE you haven’t heard, Kris Aquino has been discharged from the Makati Medical Center. She was given a clean bill of health after she slipped in the shower last week. She was confined for almost five days after that fall.

Breaking News! I am now verifying reports that Kris’ brother, Sen. Noynoy Aquino was admitted to the same hospital yesterday… after his trust rating fell.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to a recent Pulse Asia survey, Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manuel Villar Jr. is the most trusted presidential candidate. Villar is so trustworthy even President Arroyo trusts him.

Pulse Asia Survey II
A Pulse Asia survey revealed that Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s trust rating dropped by 8 percentage points. If it’s any consolation, the trust rating of Baby James is up by 10 points.

Pulse Asia Survey III
The latest Pulse Asia survey said 74 percent of Filipinos wouldn’t vote for a candidate endorsed by President Arroyo… to which Gilbert Teodoro said, “Malas naman ni Villar!”

Light Bites
Q: What did former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye tell the press when he was asked about the race for president?
A: “The president has two presidential bets: one is real, the other is fake.”

Loren and Manny
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. held Sen. Loren Legarda’s hand during an interview prompting the vice presidential bet to quip, “Napaka-sweet talaga ng presidente ko.” Reporters covering the event were surprised to hear the compliment since it marked the first time that Loren uttered such flattering remark to a man below 64 years old.

Warmest Day
Weather experts reported that the hottest day of the year so far was recorded on Feb. 24, Wednesday afternoon at 34.5 degrees Celsius. It was so hot yesterday, Manny Villar went swimming in a sea of garbage!

Warmest Day II
According to PAGASA, the hottest day of the year so far was recorded on Wednesday afternoon at 34.5 degrees Celsius. Rumors say Noynoy Aquino and the Liberal Party are alarmed by the report. With Noynoy’s temperature currently at 36.5, they are now statistically tied.

——————————
“A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.”
~James Freeman Clarke

AYON SA MGA BITUIN, TOO

The Stars and the
Vice Presidential Candidates

NAGAGALAK ang mga bituin sa matagumpay na first installment ng kanyang mga hula sa siyam na kandidato sa pagkapangulo.

Patunay ng tagumpay ang pagkalat ng artikulong “AYON SA MGA BITUIN” sa iba’t ibang blogs, Internet forums, social networking sites katulad ng Facebook, sa isang political TV talk show, at lalung-lalo na sa e-mail. Maging si Professional Heckler ay tumanggap ng naturang email mula sa isa niyang kamag-anak sa ibang bansa na may ganitong Subject: “Basahin mo ‘to ‘insan, nakakatawa!” Sumagot si Professional Heckler: “’Insan, are u insane? Mas patawa ka! Sa aking blog nanggaling ‘yan! Tanga!”

Sa kabila ng pagkalat at pag-ikot ng artikulong ‘yan sas cyberspace (na kadalasa’y wala man lang attribution sa orihinal na author), malaki pa rin ang pasasalamat ng mga bituin sa inyong walang sawang pagtangkilik.

Dahil diyan, nabuo ang “AYON SA MGA BITUIN, TOO” – matapang na mga hula para sa mga kandidato sa pagka-pangalawang pangulo.

Ngunit bunsod ng patuloy na pag-init ng panahon, mainit din ang ulo ng mga bituin. Prangka sila ngayon. Unahin na natin si…

Jejomar “Jojo” Binay
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Born: November 11, 1941
Sign: Scorpio
Isa ka sa pinakamapalad na pulitiko sa Pilipinas ngayon. Mula 1986 ay nasa kapangyarihan ka na at ang iyong pamilya. Sinong mag-aakalang nine years old pa lamang ang unico ijo mong si Junjun nang una kang maluklok sa Republika ng Makati? Intact pa ang balat sa “junjun” ni Junjun nang magsimula ang iyong paghahari. Fast-forward to 2010, biyudo na si Junjun ngunit nasa puwesto ka pa rin. Lupet! Siguro Energizer ka, “It keeps going and going and going.” O baka naman Banco Filipino, “Subok na Matibay. Subok na Matatag.” Pero dahil ikaw ay pulitiko, malamang na-inspire ka ng Sprite, “Obey your thirst.”

Dalawampu’t apat na taon ka nang sinusuwerte. Hindi ka nakakaranas ng pagkatalo. Ngunit sabi nga ng mga kaibigan kong planeta, “There is always a first time.” At mararanasan mo ‘yan ngayong darating na Mayo.

Jose “Jay” Sonza
Kilusang Bagong Lipunan
Born: September 20, 1955
Sign: Virgo
Kung sinumang nag-udyok na ika’y tumakbo sa pagka-bise presidente ay may lihim na galit sa ‘yo. Huwag itong palampasin. Hanapin siya at papanagutin.

Mabibigo ka sa darating na eleksyon ngunit muling aangat ang iyong career sa telebisyon. Maging ang kapartido mong si Imelda Papin ay hindi rin papalarin sa pagka-senador. Bago matapos ang taon, magsasama kayo sa isang talk show, ang “Mel and Jay.”

Paalala lamang ng mga bituin: huwag na huwag huhubarin ang suot na salamin upang ‘di paghinalaang ikaw at si Binay ay iisa.

Dominador Chipeco
Ang Kapatiran Party
Born: Feb 14, 1943
Sign: Aquarius
Nahihirapang basahin ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Hindi pa sila pamilyar sa iyong personalidad. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay hindi sapat upang mabigyan ka ng payo o babala kaugnay ng nalalapit na halalan. Gayunpaman, may nais iparating na mensahe sa ‘yo ang mga bituin at planeta: Belated Happy Birthday! ‘Yun lang.

Perfecto “Jun” Yasay
Bangon Pilipinas Movement
Born: Jan 27, 1947
Sign:Aquarius
Napag-alaman ng mga bituin na hindi ka raw naniniwala sa horoscope katulad ng standard-bearer mong si Bro. Eddie Villanueva na isa ring Born-Again Christian. Really?

Naku, huwag kang magsinungaling. Baka tamaan ka ng kidlat!

Bayani “BF” Fernando
Bagumbayan Party
Born: July 25, 1946
Sign: Leo
Magtatalo kayo ng kapartido mong si Richard Gordon sa mga susunod na araw. Hindi kasi siya sang-ayon sa mungkahi mong mag-install ng pink urinals sa kahabaan ng Maharlika Highway o Pan-Philippine Highway.

Magkakaroon din ng iringan ang inyong respective wives. Pagtatalunan nina Mayor Kate Gordon at Mayor Marides Fernando kung sino ang karapat-dapat gumanap bilang Megan Fox sa out-of-town campaign ng Transformers.

Eduardo “Edu” Manzano
Lakas-Kampi-CMD
Born: September 14, 1955
Sign: Virgo
Kung suwerte ang pagbabatayan, pumapangalawa ka sa kaaway mong si Jejomar Binay. Imagine, magkukunwari ka lang vice presidential candidate pero anim na beses na mas malaki ang iyong TF kumpara kay Dolphy! Saludo ang mga bituin sa ‘yong mautak at praktikal na desisyon.

May isang payo lang sa ‘yo ang mga bituin: Ingatan ang madalas na out-of-town sorties kasama si Gilbert Teodoro. Alam ng mga bituin ang iyong weakness: madali kang mag-fall. Baka ma-tsismis kayo. Ayaw ni Pinky Webb ng ganyan.

Lorna Regina “Loren” Legarda
Nationalist People’s Coalition/Nacionalista Party
Born: January 28, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Career-wise, malabong makamit ang ambisyong maging bise-presidente sa darating na Mayo o kahit sa taong 2016 o 2022. Balewalain ang sulsol ng isang matandang senador na minsan na ring nagbitiw sa ‘yo ng linyang, “Don’t give up, love.” Unang-una, hindi birong matalo sa dalawang sunod na eleksyon. At pangalawa, may asawang tao na ang senador na ‘yun. Anong love, love ang pinagsasasabi niya d’yan! Tumigil s’ya!

Dahil sa bigong kandidatura sa ilalim ng NPC/NP alliance, mapapaluhod, mapapapikit, at mapapausal ka ng ganitong panalangin: “Lord, promise, last na talaga ito. Huwag sana kayong magalit. Gusto ko namang itry ang Partido Liberal.”

Manuel “Mar” Roxas II
Liberal Party
Born: May 13, 1957
Sign: Taurus
Maraming vibrations ang mga stars tungkol sa pagsasama n’yo ni Madam Korina. Ngunit baka hindi mo magustuhan ang mga ito at masabihan mo pa ang mga bituin, “I demand that that be removed from the horoscope section! That is an affront to my wife.“

Delikado. Baka mag-demand na naman ng apology si Korina.

So ito na lang: Mag-ingat ka sa pro-Binay faction sa Liberal Party. Tumitira sila nang patalikod. Unless, trip mo ‘yun.
—————————-

At sa inyong lahat, laging tandaan ang paalala ni Zenaida “Syzygy” Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ulitin natin. Pero mas malakas. “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating…”

Aba, aba, aba at talagang uulitin mo nga. Masunurin ka talaga.

Tama na.

Have a safe and productive week!

Photos were taken from the Facebook accounts of the candidates.
———-
Survey Says
Ilang kandidato sa pagka-senador ang iyong iboboto sa May 10?
12, para sulit ang boto! 36%
Hmm, less than 6. 27%
Wala! Punyeta silang lahat! 36%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Maraming salamat sa lahat ng kumentong iniiwan n’yo sa blog na ito. Positibo man o negatibo, go lang nang go! I rarely reply to your comments but that doesn’t mean na balewala sa akin ang inyong reaksyon. I appreciate you more than I appreciate our bishops. (Ano raw?) Go Secretary Cabral!

February 18th
On this date in…

1899: American forces bombard and occupy the province of Iloilo. Every revolutionary leader is captured except for Miriam Defensor-Santiago who was fortunately in Capiz at the time… campaigning with Manny Villar and Loren Legarda.

1930: American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto. Originally considered as the Solar System’s ninth planet, in 2006, the International Astronomical Union decided that Pluto is not a planet… and that Tombaugh is neither American nor an astronomer.

1951: Three basketball players from the City College of New York admit to game-fixing. Following their expulsion, they transferred to the College of St. Benilde along Taft Avenue in Manila.

1985: Pop duo Wham’s single “Careless Whisper” tops the charts. The song became an instant favorite of then five-year-old Hayden Kho.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, BBC On this Day and Brainy History.

CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS

APOLOGIES for the delayed post. It’s the Holiday Season people. Everyone is preoccupied with something: doing some last minute shopping, attending Christmas parties, reuniting with old friends, etc.

These days, people in the metro have the same schedule: 5 hours in the office or malls, 4 hours in traffic.

The Senate is holding a lavish Christmas celebration. Everyone is expected to attend… except for Chiz Escudero. The guy hates parties.

Guess who’ll be the busiest senator this Christmas! Who else but Loren Legarda. She’ll be hopping from party to party.

The Senate plans to recreate the Nativity Scene. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the Virgin.

Sen. Manny Villar won’t play any part in the Nativity Scene but he volunteered to donate the house, the lot, and the manger.

For some reason, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has rejected suggestions to let Senators Jamby Madrigal, Bong Revilla, and Lito Lapid to play the role of the three wise men.

Sen. Mar Roxas has repeatedly expressed interest to play the role of Joseph. But getting no support from his colleagues, he withdrew.

Eighty-two year old senator Joker Arroyo refused to take part in the activity. But that was understandable since Methuselah was never a part of the Nativity Scene.

Not to be outdone, Malacañang is also recreating its own Nativity Scene. Virgilio Garcillano, Hermogenes Esperon, and Ronaldo Puno will portray the three kings. However, they are not expected to bring incense, gold, or myrrh. Instead, they will deliver… votes.

When Andal Ampatuan Jr. heard Malacañang’s plan, he sent a note to President Arroyo and volunteered his talent. He wanted to play the role of Herod so he could slaughter innocents.

The characters in the palace’s Nativity Scene were already complete when Mikey Arroyo angrily protested his exclusion. To pacify the presidential son, Malacañang people offered him a special but undemanding role. He’ll be the shit of a camel.

At the Lower House, congressmen couldn’t complete their own Nativity Scene. Nobody dared to play Jesus but everyone was qualified to play the role of an ass.

In Times Street, Sen. Noynoy Aquino has recreated his own Nativity Scene. His three wise men look dazed though because they’re following not just one but several stars.

Just as confused are the Three Kings in Sen. Richard Gordon’s Bagumbayan Party’s Nativity Scene. The kings are having a hard time following the star because of several street signs that say: “Walang tawiran, nakamamatay.”

Back to Times Street, Noynoy Aquino had a difficult time finishing his Nativity Scene because Kris Aquino insisted on playing the role of the star.

In Polk Street, chaos marred the recreation of the Estradas’ Nativity Scene. Erap played the role of Joseph but everday, a different woman plays the role of Mary.

The Nativity Scene in Gilbert Teodoro‘s house was reportedly one of the most intricate, beautiful, and well-crafted recreations. Unfortunately, only 2 percent of his friends have seen it.

You can find all kinds of Christmas decors at the residence of environmentalist Nicanor Perlas except for the Nativity Scene. According to the Comelec, he doesn’t have the capability and the resources to create one.

The Villars’ Laurel mansion in Shaw Blvd. boasts of the most expensive decors. There are two six-foot Christmas trees, two giant Santa Clauses, and two life-size Nativity Scenes. A recent survey showed that Villar has narrowed the gap between him and Noynoy so expect a double celebration this Christmas!

Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s own Nativity Scene tops them all. Surrounding the infant Jesus are 5 million sheep!

Finally, the Communist Party of the Philippines produced perhaps the oddest of all Nativity Scene re-creations. Their wise men are in Congress, the shepherds are in the Sierra Madre mountains, and their God is in the Netherlands!

In other news…
Manny Pacquiao, endorser of top brands like Nike, Rexona, and SMB now endorses presidential candidate Manny Villar. Mr. Sipag at Tiyaga is Pacquiao’s only endorsement that is currently No. 2 in the market.

Photo of the Weak
Ito po ay isang malinaw na patunay na may kakayahang ngumiti ang isang aso.

_____________________
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

This Just In! The Commission on Elections, particularly 2nd Division members Nicodemo Ferrer, Elias Yusoph and Lucenito Tagle have junked the proposal of 1st Division commissioners to put colorful Christmas decors in their office. Yusoph, Tagle, and Ferrer described the proposal as “so gay.”

Have a productive week ahead!

LEFT WITH VILLAR

Villar and the Left
Party list representatives Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have finally agreed to join the Nacionalista Party as guest senatorial candidates. The hardcore leftists made the decision to join Villar’s party because they’re running under similar platforms and they’re running out of time.

Villar and the Left II
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza of the newly formed Makabayan Party have forged a tactical alliance with presidential aspirant Manuel Villar Jr.’s Nacionalista Party for the 2010 elections. While Ocampo and Maza also held talks with the Liberal Party, they opted to say yes to Villar mainly because it was more acceptable for them to be in the same slate with Bongbong Marcos than Rissa Hontiveros.

Villar and the Left III
Leftist solons Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza have picked Manny Villar over Noynoy Aquino. The Left finds it more acceptable to support a ‘Panginoong May Bahay’ than a ‘Panginoong May Lupa.’

Villar and the Left IV
Nacionalista Party standard bearer Manuel Villar Jr. said, “If you can’t understand why we teamed up with Makabayan, you don’t understand what the Nacionalista Party is fighting for.” Of course, we do! You are fighting for survival!

Villar and the Left V
Nacionalista Party has formed a tactical alliance with Makabayan Party, an umbrella group of hardcore Leftist organizations including Bayan Muna, Gabriela, Anakpawis, Kabataan, Katribu, Migrante, Courage, and the Alliance of Concerned Teachers. With the support of the Left, Villar believes his will be the biggest proclamation “rally” ever.

IRREPLACEABLE?
For Senator Manny Villar
[Inspired by the “strange” alliance between the Makabayan Party and the Nacionalista Party (with Bongbong Marcos). To be sung to the tune of Irreplaceable, Beyoncé’s Grammy Award-winning song. Before start singing, right click here for musical accompaniment, para mas cool.]

With the Left, with the Left
With the Left, with the Left
Hmmm, with the Left, with the Left

Everything you’ll do for a win, with the Left
From the outset that’s your wish, yes
(If) we don’t buy it don’t say ouch (say ouch)

You keep courting those guys, that’s fine
And Bongbong Marcos at the same time
But it’s our fate you put on the line
Be wise with your moves lest we call you an ass

Refrain:
Standing on the platform telling us
”Vote for me you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a man like you
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could choose another guy in the precinct
Matter fact seven, eight also running, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another you by 2010
Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And check out that slate, see if it’s fine
Oops, we bet ya thought that we didn’t know
What you did is for your party’s survival

Sir, isn’t that true
Look at your bets, Marcos&Ocampo?
Will they make up and kiss
Hurry up before your ratings drip

Refrain II
Standing on the platform telling us
“My bets are best you fools,” talking about
How we’ll never ever find a team like yours
You got us wrong sir

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We could pick another guy from the Senate
We could have Gibô or that talking short Dick, Manny

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
We can have another guy by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinking
You’re irreplaceable

In Other News…
Remember Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez? The congressman who footed a $15,000 bill for a sumptuous dinner for President Arroyo and her entourage in her recent US trip raffled off 300 thousand pesos to Lower House employees who attended the regular Monday flag-raising ceremony. Senate employees are reportedly excited to attend the flag-raising ceremony next Monday following rumors that Sen. Manuel Villar is raffling off houses and lots.

Not to be outdone, Liberal Party’s Sen. Noynoy Aquino will be raffling off his family’s shares of Hacienda Luisita stocks.

FPJ’s Death Anniv
The family, friends, and supporters of actor Fernando Poe Jr. commemorated his 5th death anniversary yesterday, December 14. Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada also attended the mass. Nope, Jun Lozada is neither a family member nor a friend or supporter of Poe’s. Wala lang. Wala siyang ibang magawa eh, bakit nakikialam kayo?

GMA’s Health
After a “routine check up,” President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a a medical bulletin. Instead, it advised the public to read Jarius Bondoc’s next column for juicy details.

GMA’s Health II
President Arroyo left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital declined to issue a medical bulletin but said the president was excited to attend the Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to learn more about the effects of global warming on breast implants.

NPC’s Bets
The Nationalist People’s Coalition is supporting only the candidacy of vice presidential bet Loren Legarda, and is fielding just two senatorial candidates for the 2010 elections – former Sen. Vicente Sotto and Agusan del Sur Rep. Rodolfo Plaza. The decision to field only two senatorial bets didn’t come as a surprise since the NPC has only three remaining members.
________________
“Politics makes strange bedfellows.”
~Charles Dudley Warner

THE SEARCH IS OVER, TOO

SENATOR MANNY VILLAR has formally declared Sen. Loren Legarda as his running mate in next year’s national elections. For helping him find Legarda after weeks of an agonizing search, Villar thanked his partymates, his loyal supporters, his family, and Chiz Escudero.

Things In Common
In declaring her support for the Nacionalista Party’s unofficial presidential candidate, Sen. Loren Legarda said, she and Manny Villar “share many things in common.” They both have the same vision; they both have the same platform, and they both have no other choice.

Nacionalista Party’s Manny Villar has chosen Sen. Loren Legarda as his official vice presidential running mate… prompting game show host Willie Revillame to initiate talks with Sen. Chiz Escudero.

Sen. Loren Legarda has found a new partner. Surprisingly, she picked someone who’s only 60 years old.

Ralph and Vi
Former senator Ralph Recto and his wife, Batangas Gov. Vilma Santos have left the ruling coalition and joined the Liberal Party. Ralph said he decided to leave Lakas and join the LP after a month of consultations with leaders, stakeholders, family, friends and staff. Vilma explained she decided to leave Lakas and join the LP after a month of consultation with Luis.

Pulse Asia Survey
Sen. Noynoy Aquino topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on ‘presidentiables’ with 44 percent. The ruling party’s bet, Gilbert Teodoro got 2 percent. Actually, he got 10 percent in the initial tally but before the final results could be announced, 8 percent of the respondents have already defected to Noynoy.

Comelec vs. ‘Ang Ladlad’
Trying to justify his decision to reject the application for accreditation of “Ang Ladlad” in the party list polls next year, Comelec Commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer says homosexuals are actually “over-represented” in both Houses of Congress. Ferrer vowed to unmask the gay senators and congressmen when he debuts as guest co-host on… “The Buzz.” Su-su-nod!

Comelec vs. ‘Ang Ladlad’ II
Comelec Commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer said there was no need to accredit ‘Ang Ladlad’ because homosexuals were actually “over-represented” in both the Lower House and the Senate… to which Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Weh?”

Comelec vs. ‘Ang Ladlad’ III
Comelec Commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer says there’s no need to accredit ‘Ang Ladlad’ as a party list group since homosexuals are “over-represented” in both the Lower House and the Senate. Pressed by the media to identify them, Ferrer answered, “Sinetch sila?!? Wiz ko sila namesung. Baka ma-imbyerna ang mga lola at tsugiin ako. This press con is so over! Babush!”

Nograles for Gays
Taking the cudgels for ‘Ang Ladlad,’ House Speaker Prospero Nograles dismissed the Comelec’s claim that gays were “overrepresented” in Congress. Nograles insisted that ‘Ang Ladlad’ should be accredited since the solons being referred to by Ferrer were members of another group, ‘Ang Tagô.’

Pacman’s Homecoming
The National Capital Region will reportedly deploy 2,000 policemen on Friday to secure Manny Pacquiao. Another group of 3,000 cops will be deployed to secure Krista Ranillo. [Humanda ka sa fans ni Jinkee!]
__________
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.”
~Lynn Lavner

Survey Says
Forget about the money! Who would you rather have as a boyriend:
Noynoy Aquino :37%
Manny Pacquiao :63%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
I was supposed to write about this but Newsbreak already came up with a similar observation: the 2010 polls are a battle of universities, too

What’s the word of the year according to Oxford University Press? Find out here.

Here’s the controversial paparazzi video of Manny Pacquiao and an unidentified girl after the former’s guesting on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’

Personal
Ito ay isang panawagan sa National Historical Institute na patuloy sa pagpapaunlak ng panayam sa media kaugnay ng anila’y maling pag-awit ng La Diva sa Lupang Hinirang noong laban ni Manny Pacquiao. If the ladies violated the law, then sanction them according to the written rules and regulations ng NHI. Dakdak kayo nang dakdak noon pa mang Pacquiao-Hatton fight, pero wala naman kayong ginagawang aksyon. Nasaan na si Martin Nievera? Naparusahan ba? If there’s a law, then impose the freakin’ law. Hindi ‘yung putak kayo nang putak, wala naman kayong kongkretong aksyong ginagawa laban sa mga “nagkamali.” Punyeta!

SEASON’S GREETINGS

Villar’s VP?
Without naming names, senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano of the Nacionalista Party says Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.’s running mate possesses the “3M” qualities: “maganda,” “matalino,” and “maka-kalikasan.” Vice presidential aspirant Loren Legarda who felt alluded to, said her presidential running mate also possessed the “3M” qualities: “masipag,” “matiyaga” and “malapit nang magpanic kapag ‘di pa ako nag-yes sa kanyang offer.”

Gibo’s VP
The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party has reportedly given up efforts to lure Sen. Loren Legarda into teaming up with Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro. With this development, the ruling coalition’s choice for vice president is now down to two: “John” and “Jane Doe.”

Binay’s Birthday
Birthday boy Jejomar Binay is celebrating his 67th birthday on November 11. Political observers doubt though if he’s really 67 years old… because he’s been mayor of Makati City for like half a century.

Binay’s Birthday II
Last Monday, November 9, Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay and his wife, former Makati City mayor Dr. Elenita Binay hosted a star-studded joint birthday party at the A. Venue Mall in Makati City. Opposition stalwarts and supporters were all present… except for Sen. Chiz Escudero who has made himself clear that he no longer believes in parties.

Binay’s Birthday III
Braving the dangerous traffic and the menacing stare of a Makati traffic enforcer, I personally took a photo of this eye-catching tarpaulin at the corner of Makati Avenue and JP Rizal St. in Makati City around 4pm, Tuesday.

Sampung Katanungang Naglaro sa Aking Isipan Matapos Kong Masilayan ang Tarpaulin ni Jose De Venecia III Para Kay Makati City Mayor Jejomar Cabauatan Binay, Birthday Boy

Una: Bakit kailangang idaan sa tarpaulin ang pagbati?

Pangalawa: Hindi ba niya alam ang cellphone number o landline ni Mayor Binay upang mabati niya ito ng personal?

Pangatlo: Bakit sa panulukan pa ng JP Rizal St. at Makati Avenue inilagay ang tarpaulin gayong pwede naman itong isabit sa harap ng bahay ng mga Binay o kaya ay sa city hall upang mas madaling makita ng may kaarawan?

Pang-apat: Kailangan ba talagang may larawan pa ni Joey De Venecia sa tarpaulin?

Panglima: Hindi pa ba siya kilala ni Mayor Binay kaya’t kinailangan pang i-imprenta ang kanyang mukha?

Pang-anim: Titigan ang larawan at sagutin: Ano ang kahalagahan o kaugnayan ng website ni Joey De Venecia sa kaarawan ni Mayor Binay?

Pampito: Kung nabasa ni Mayor Binay ang naturang pagbati, sa palagay n’yo ba ay magpapagawa din ito ng tarpaulin upang iparating ang mensaheng ito: “Maraming salamat sa iyong pagbati Joey De Venecia III! From Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay http://www.makati.gov.ph”; Kung oo, saang panulukan naman kaya niya isasabit ang tarpaulin?

Pangwalo: Bakit parang galit na galit ako sa naturang tarpaulin? Ikaw, anong nararamdaman mo?

Pangsiyam: Bakit kailangan ko pang magtanong gayong alam ko na naman ang sagot?

At pansampu: Ilang daang “Joey De Venecia III” pa kaya sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa ang magsasabit ng tarpaulin sa mga lansangan, panulukan, gusali, at poste ng kuryente bago dumating ang halalan?

Santiago vs. Puno
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago asked the Senate to file plunder charges against former DPWH Road Board Executive Director Rodolfo ‘Dodie’ Puno for the alleged misuse of some P60.5 billion in road users’ tax. Criticizing Puno’s lavish lifestyle, Santiago also threatened to reveal the names of his mistresses and girlfriends… to which Tonyboy Cojuangco said, “That is not a good idea.”

Petroleum Shortage?
Echoing the oil firms’ opposition to the government-imposed fuel price freeze in Luzon, the honorable Angelo Reyes says the country’s inventory of imported petroleum products is just enough for 13 days. But that’s still good news considering the fact that the government has no energy secretary for more than two years now.

Alvin Flores Gang
Remember last week’s raid on the suspected hideout of the notorious Alvin Flores Gang in Bulacan? The raid yielded high-powered guns and ammunitions, grenade launchers, two-way radios, and Alvin Flores’ two used faces.

Alvin Flores Gang II
The doctor who performed cosmetic surgery on Alvin Flores revealed that the notorious gang leader was gay and wanted to look like BB Gandanghari. The surgeon also confirmed a gang member’s revelation that the Rolex heist in Greenbelt was a mistake. Flores’ original target was L’Oréal.
______________
“Leadership has been defined as the ability to hide your panic from others.”
~Anonymous

Just Asking
Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros originated it.
Other columnists concurred.
The Liberal Party adopted it.
“The 2010 election is a fight between good and evil,” i.e. Noynoy and the Liberals, the good side; GMA and her allies, the evil side.
Over the weekend, several allies of GMA defected to the Liberal Party, and more are expected to jump ship as the deadline for the filing of the certificates of candidacy nears. Question: Does the shift in allegiance automatically make the turncoats “good,’ or do they remain evil?

Just So You Know
A radio serial drama on the life, love, and rise to fame of MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando is being aired on DZRH 666kHz. The 14-part series is called “Ang Manggagawa.” And this just in! Sen. Chiz Escudero has expressed interest in serializing his life story too. The tentative title, “Ang Mang-nga-ngawa!”

Light Bites
Q: Why did Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago reject the offer of President Arroyo to become DENR secretary?
A: Galit siya sa mga PUNO.

Personal
If you have original “political” images similar to that JDVIII photo above, you may email them to The Professional Heckler: professionalheckler@yahoo.com Pictures taken using cellular phones are just fine. Chosen photos will be used in future blog posts. Senders will be acknowledged. Thank you so much.

Lastly, for featuring yet again this blog on ANC’s Strictly Politics, thank you so much Ms. Pia Hontiveros. Catch her show every Tuesday, 8:00 to 9:00 PM on the ABS-CBN News Channel.