UNLUCKY

29 12 2008

golf Pangandamans React
Personally, I felt rage when I saw the kid on TV crying. A first year high school student mauled by a town mayor, son of a Cabinet official. Grrrr! The boy’s face was badly bruised. To give you an idea how bad it was, when I saw his face on TV, I sort of appreciated what Vicki Belo did to her own.

Have you heard the news? The Pangandamans are reportedly filing a libel case against the victims. Insane! You did something bad. You become the subject of negative news. And then you file a libel case? Who do you think you are… the First Gentleman?!

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. apologized for the mauling incident at a golf course last Friday involving his son, Nasser Jr – mayor of Masiu, Lanao Del Sur. However, Pangandaman insisted “hindi kagustuhan ng bawat isa ito.” Wow. Are you telling us that while your son and his armed goons were attacking the boy, they were shouting, “Promise! Hindi namin ‘to gusto! Labag ito sa aming kalooban! Ayaw naming gawin ‘to!” Try again Mr. Secretary.

Didn’t you notice? Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. is all over the news – TV, radio, print, and the Internet – explaining, defending, and apologizing for his son’s despicable act. Here’s an appeal to our journalists: could someone please verify rumors that Nasser Jr was actually mute?

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman Sr. told the press, “Humihingi ako ng paumanhin sa nangyari. Hindi ko rin gusto ang nangyari.” When Sen. Richard Gordon heard this, he said, “Parang narinig ko na ‘yan ah… sa book launching ni JDV?”

Hopeful Pinoys
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 9 of 10 Filipinos are entering the New Year with hope rather than fear… unless of course they’re in a golf course with the Pangandamans.

Hopeful Pinoys II
In the latest SWS survey, the respondents were asked, “Ang darating na taon ba ay inyong sasalubungin ng may pag-asa o pangamba?” Many respondents answered: “Depende. Sa bahay o sa golf course?”

Manny’s Next Opponent
Latest reports say Puerto Rican boxer Miguel Cotto may be next in line for Manny Pacquiao. When Nasser Pangandaman Jr heard this, he said, “I think Cotto is too big for Manny. Does Cotto have a brother in first year high school?”

spel In Other News…
President Arroyo, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo and the entire First Family with some congressmen-friends went spelunking in Sagada, Ifugao, Mountain Province. Reports say they all enjoyed the caves… which was not really surprising since they’re used to that kind of environment. You know… darkness.

Personal
IT HAS BEEN A great year for me and for this blog. “The Professional Heckler” got recognized by the Philippine Blog Awards and continues to get noticed by more and more people in cyberspace. Wikipilipinas has also named this blog as one of the year’s… hmmm, basahin n’yo nga lang.

Thank you so much for making all these possible. I appreciate it. I admit – I’ve written some mean and nasty posts that may have offended some people. But I won’t apologize yet. Not until I have become an ex-president.

Again, maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat (I hope Brian Gorrell understands this one)! Have a safe and lucky New Year!

Starting today, I’ll have an online poll. Cast your vote now. It’s on the right side of your screen.

Lastly, do you believe in astrology? Here’s what in store for you in 2009, the Year of the Ox.
____________________

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
~Ray Kroc





DOING A JOLIE

28 09 2008

Loren’s Offer to the MILF
Reacting to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front’s appeal to Hollywood actress and UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help negotiate a peace pact with the government, Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to fill in for Jolie and help achieve a long-sought peace in the south… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she help achieve peace in Mindanao when she can’t even help achieve peace at the Senate?”

Loren’s Offer to the MILF II
Sen. Loren Legarda said she’s willing to fill in for UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she talk peace with the government when she couldn’t even talk peace with her husband?”

Loren’s Offer to the MILF III
Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to become this country’s Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao. To prove that she’s indeed serious with her offer, she’ll have her lips injected with collagen soon.

Loren’s Offer to the MILF IV
Sen. Loren Legarda said, “I will agree to be like Angelina Jolie but there will be no Brad Pitt,” to which Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “But I told you, I can try!”

MILF Survey Says…
An online survey conducted by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front revealed that North Cotabato Vice Governor Emmanuel Piñol, is the most hated government official by Muslims in the country today. A vocal critic of the canceled MOA on Ancestral Domain, Piñol is also the most hated government official… by the Arroyo government.

MILF Survey Says… II
President Arroyo is the second most hated government official by Muslims according to the online survey conducted by the MILF. Malacañang described the poll results as “unusual” mainly because “hate” lists are usually topped by the president.

GMA is Back null
President Arroyo is back from her five-day visit to the United States but reports say without the “promised investments.” That’s because instead of “selling” the Philippine economy, she sold Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Vilma Santos and Lani Mercado null
Newsbreak magazine reported that Batangas governor Vilma Santos was being marketed as RP’s Sarah Palin, the Alaska governor and US vice presidential candidate. Now hear this: in last Wednesday’s birthday party of Sen. Bong Revilla, Lani Mercado invited Bong’s “other women” – Rufa Mae Quinto, Ruffa Gutierrez, and Gretchen Barretto. First we have our Sarah Palin, now we have our Hillary Clinton.

BFAD Ban null
The Bureau of Food and Drugs has banned at least 54 milk and milk-based products from mainland China, which the agency said, would be subject to testing for possible melamine contamination. The partial list includes Nestle ice cream, ice cream cones, chocolates, and even noodles. Sharon Cuneta described the ban as “unfairly cruel.”

UAAP Finals: A Postscript
The Ateneo Blue Eagles trounced the De La Salle Green Archers to win the UAAP men’s basketball title. After the heartbreaking loss, La Salle coach Franz Pumaren described Game 2 of the UAAP Finals as the “worst officiated” game ever. In another news dismissed by Pumaren as totally irrelevant, his kids have admitted that their dad loves to read them his favorite bedtime story of late: the Aesop fable “The Fox and the Grapes.”

null Metro Tremors null
Two “moderately strong” earthquakes rocked Metro Manila before noon yesterday. Phivolcs has refused to put the blame on actress Nadia Montenegro and Rose Flaminiano who reportedly squared off the exact time the tremors were felt.





LIARS

25 09 2008

Squabble at the Senate
In a privilege speech delivered Wednesday night, Sen. Jamby Madrigal attacked Senate President Manuel Villar over alleged double insertions in the national budget. Jamby spoke, “We cannot have a nation run by a thief.” Monitoring Jamby’s speech on television, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “O, what did I do? Ba’t nadamay na naman?!”

Taking potshots at Senate President Villar, Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Bumaba ka rito. Harapin mo at ipagtanggol mo ang sarili mo. Magpakalalaki ka!” to which Senator Villar said, “Sure! Magpapakalalaki ako… kung magpapakababae ka!”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano as an “attack dog.” Sen. Pia Cayetano protested the name-calling… mainly because that would make her a bitch.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal’s privilege speech was titled, “How to be A Villarnaire,” and talked about how Villar amassed his wealth. This has upset Congresswoman Cynthia Villar who noticed that she was not properly acknowledged.

Defending his partymate Villar, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said Jamby and Lacson were “liars who had been twisting facts.” Jamby and Ping retorted that Alan “was lying through his teeth.” Sen. Joker Arroyo has also assailed the “falsity” of Lacson’s allegation but Ping hit back and maintained that Joker was not telling the truth. Sen. Rodolfo Biazon said it was the first time for them to hear senators call one another liars but he wasn’t surprised… it was like hearing Clay Aiken tell the whole world he’s gay.

GMA in New York
In New York now where she addressed the UN General Assembly, President Arroyo held talks with UN delegations to push the candidacy of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for a seat in the UN International Court of Justice. In campaigning for Miriam, the president said, “Right now, at this very moment, she’s the least tainted member of the Philippine Senate.”

They’re Out!
American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has officially acknowledged he is gay. Two days later, singer Lindsay Lohan admitted her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson. There has been so much going on at the Philippine Senate, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two would do a Clay or a Lindsay.

Txtline vs. the NPA
The military in Negros has launched a text hotline to fight the extortion activities of the New People’s Army. To counter the military, NPA rebels are bombing more cell sites on the island.





PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS 2008: OMG!

21 09 2008


This is surreal.

I still can’t believe that The Professional Heckler has just won in this year’s Philippine Blog Awards. I actually planned to attend the awards ceremonies at One Esplanade but I forgot to print my e-ticket so I decided to just watch it online. I didn’t expect to win anyway mainly because I was up against Supreme.ph, the site being maintained by Tim Yap and other Philippine Star (society) columnists.

But the judges thought otherwise.

Thank you, thank you judges for the recognition.

Yup, local politics is far more entertaining than entertainment itself.

To all the winners (like schoolmate Tonyo Cruz who took home the Best Blog: News and Media category for Tonyocruz.Com), and finalists, congratulations!

To my co-finalists in the Best Blog: Entertainment category, OMG! I can’t believe you lost!

Hahaha! You’ve just been heckled!

Thank you to the Philippine Blog Awards 2008!

I owe you one.

To this blog’s loyal readers (including my family), visitors, fans, and detractors… maraming-maraming salamat sa inyong patuloy na pagsubaybay.

To Sheila Coronel (formerly of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism), the first journalist to notice my political humor posts, thanks for the motivation.

And lastly to Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory, Tita Mariol, Mr. M, Tito Deo, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Attorney Gozon, Ma’am Wilma, Ms Marivin Arayata, Ms Darling De Jesus, Ms. Annette Gozon, and to my Star Magic and GMA Talent Center families… thank you so much for the support.

More heckling to come.

Here’s the complete list of winners.





SIPAG AT TIYAGA

14 09 2008

Villar’s Lament
After his name was dragged into the road project controversy, Senate President Manuel Villar told the press, “Hindi sa pagmamayabang, kung anumang yaman na mayroon ako ngayon, resulta ng sipag at tiyaga.” When he courted the uber-wealthy Cynthia Aguilar (Villar), nagsipag siya. And when she finally said yes, do’n na siya nagsimulang magtiyaga.

This Just In!
Amid the “road to nowhere” controversy, Senate President Manuel Villar has categorically denied that he was behind the emergence of a new religious cult that calls itself, “Ang Bagong Daan.”

Villar’s Freak Accident
Senate President Manuel Villar knocked his head against the head of another man as he was going up the stage at Sunday afternoon’s oath-taking of new doctors at the Philippine International Convention Center. Some of the guests believe it was intentional on Villar’s part because the unidentified man has a strong resemblance to Ping Lacson.

Rumors say another minor commotion ensued also at the PICC when the list of new doctors was handed out. It was discovered that names of some non-passers were listed. Minutes later, Senator Villar issued a statement denying allegations he had a hand in the “insertions.”

Mar Roxas Defends GF
Sen. Mar Roxas defended his rumored girlfriend against Senate President Manuel Villar’s insinuations that she is using her radio program to destroy Villar’s presidential bid. Roxas insisted that his broadcaster-girlfriend is just doing her job… something that Villar must fully understand because it’s not easy, and it takes a lot of hard work, guts, and patience to become a multi-awarded character assassin.

Another Roxas Reacts
Dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas believes his dismissal from the judiciary was politicized… or at least that’s how he perceives it; that’s how his family looks at it; and that’s how ABS-CBN reports about it.

The PCGG Chairman
PCGG Chairman Camilo Sabio is facing disbarment over his alleged attempt to influence his brother, Court of Appeals Justice Jose Sabio, to rule in favor of GSIS in its bid to take over Meralco. But as fate would have it, Jose Sabio wasn’t influenced… mainly because Meralco’s offer was more tempting than his brother’s.

Suicide Attempt at the Airport
Claiming that her husband has abandoned her, a woman attempted to commit suicide by hanging herself at the NAIA Terminal 3. But the suicide try went kaput when the ceiling of the terminal collapsed.

Ateneo vs. La Salle
The rivalry between ADMU and DLSU further heats up as the two collegiate teams meet anew in the UAAP men’s basketball finals. Ateneans, in particular are so proud of their team whose coach Norman Black together with players Chris Tiu, Kirk Long, Jobe Nkemekolam, Vince Burke III, and Rabah Al Hussaini (while waiting for Game 1) will be busy shooting for the latest campaign of United Colors of Benetton.

Ateneo vs. La Salle II
It will be another exciting cage battle as DLSU and ADMU face each other in the UAAP men’s basketball finals. La Sallistas in particular, are so proud of their team. Asked why, a La Sallista replied, “Yeah, we’re so proud of our team!”





CONDUCT UNBECOMING

9 09 2008

Bribery and the Court of Appeals
The Supreme Court dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas for violating the Judicial Code of Conduct in connection with the bribery scandal involving the Manila Electric Company. Roxas was a bit saddened by the decision but was nonetheless thankful that finally, he’ll have plenty of time to spend the millions of pesos he received from the power firm.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals II
In connection with the bribery scandal at the Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court has dismissed Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas, to whom Meralco said, “O, wag nang manisi. Bayad ka na!”

Bribery and the Court of Appeals III
Associate Justice Jose Sabio, the original whistleblower in the Meralco bribery scandal, was found guilty of simple misconduct and conduct unbecoming of a justice of the Court of Appeals. He was suspended for two months without pay. Again, that’s without pay. Sabio has just sent a text message to businessman Francis De Borja saying any amount that he’ll offer will now be accepted.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals IV
In connection with the Meralco bribery scandal at the Court Appeals, Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas was dismissed; Associate Justice Jose Sabio was suspended; Presiding Justice Conrado Vasquez was severely reprimanded; Associate Justice Bienvenido Reyes was reprimanded, and Associate Justice Myrna Dimaranan-Vidal was admonished. Hats off to Meralco for successfully corrupting the judiciary!

In Other News…
All priests in the 91 parishes of San Fernando City, Pampanga vowed to help gather 1 million signatures against the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill. In fact, several couples have already expressed support for the anti-RH campaign. They just couldn’t sign right now because they’re having an orgy.

Of the Reproductive Health Bill, San Fernando Archbishop Paciano Aniceto said, “Let’s fight the culture of death. Let’s fight the anti-life conspiracy.” That statement was released 10 minutes after Archbishop Aniceto finished watching X-Files 2.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans Rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for the Anti-RH Bill Campaign

5: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, maraming bata ang kailangan!

4: Ang Utos ni Yahweh: Humiga at Magparami

3: Isang Milyong Lagda Para sa Isang Milyong Bata

2: Dare to Bare: No to Condom!

And the number 1 suggested slogan rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for their anti-RH Bill campaign…

1: Sign Up for Sex!

Chavit’s Appointment
Chavit Singson has been appointed as deputy National Security Adviser… mainly because his bodyguards and escorts have already outnumbered the police force in the entire Luzon.

MV Princess of the Stars’ Captain
The Regional Disaster Coordinating Council in Central Visayas has confirmed that the missing captain of the ill-fated MV Princess of the Stars is dead… officially eliminating Sulpicio Lines’ last potential scapegoat.

Belo and BF
Celebrity cosmetic expert Vicki Belo and boyfriend Dr. Hayden Kho are reportedly heading towards splitsville. Rumors say youthful Hayden has not been seeing Vicki lately because of his very tight schedule. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Vicki Belo’s face.





ERASED

31 08 2008


Eraserheads: The Reunion Concert
The Eraserheads’ reunion concert at the Bonifacio Global City open field was cut short when frontman Ely Buendia collapsed. He was stressed, tired, and couldn’t stand sharing the stage with erstwhile close pal Raimund Marasigan of Sandwich.

After a short introduction, the Eraserheads performed 15 songs continuously with no spiels and hardly a break. Ely Buendia wanted to finish the concert early so he could stop pretending to be friends with his former band mates.

The Eraserheads’ reunion concert at the Bonifacio Global City open field was cut short when frontman Ely Buendia collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Nurses at the Makati Medical Center were starstruck to see Ely – the only famous person to be admitted at the cash-strapped hospital in recent years.

Some 60 thousand fans came to watch the Eraserheads’ reunion concert at the Bonifacio Global City last night. Producer MTV Philippines described the event as historic… mainly because it’s the only concert where MTV Philippines didn’t actually lose millions.

Reports say attendance to the Eraserheads’ reunion concert eclipsed the record set by the Beyoncé concert held earlier this year. Producers are now toying with the idea of staging a reunion concert – for the Introvoys. (Altogether now… “If I ever had a line to heaven I swear/I’d call you there…”)

An estimated 60 thousand fans flocked to the Bonifacio Open Field to witness the reunion concert of the Eraserheads. It was also the biggest gathering of UP alumni ever.

Some 10 thousand people who failed to get tickets stayed outside the arena as if they were listening to the radio… minus the patently annoying spiels of Love Radio DJs.

Tiya Dely
Tiya Dely Magpayo, the 88-year-old radio veteran, suffered a stroke at around 11pm, Saturday. Relatives denied rumors her blood pressure shot up when she learned that she spent P1,370 for a one-set-only reunion concert of the Eraserheads.

PBA Draft
Gabe Norwood and Jared Dilinger became the first and second overall picks at the PBA Rookie Draft today. As I have mentioned before, the number of foreign players in the PBA has become so alarming, there will come a time when the only genuine Filipinos left in the hard court are the referees.





FAMOUS EPITAPHS

20 08 2008


Top 15 Epitaphs of Local Celebrities

15: German Moreno: “Kahit saan, kahit kailan, walaaaaaang tulugan.”

14: Tim Yap: “Buhay coke, tikman n’yo. Ang sarap dito.”

13: Madam Auring: “Where she truly belongs.”

12: Jamby Madrigal: “My relatives were right. Health is wealth.”

11: Former Press Sec. Ignacio Bunye: “The epitaph you are reading has been edited. In fact, there are two epitaphs. One is fake, the other is the original.”

10: Kris Aquino: “A caring mother. A loving daughter. A loyal wife. Promise, true ‘yan. Ask n‘yo pa si Boy. Ahahahah!”

9: Jose Maria Sison: “In self-exile… forever.”

8: Meralco chairman Manuel Lopez: “May liwanag ang (kabilang) buhay.”

7: Jocjoc Bolante: “Ready for his final mission: To fertilize the earth.”

6: MILF chairman Al Haj Murad: “Finally… peace.”

5: Sen. Manuel Villar: “Inside his final housing project.”

4: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “Veni, vidi, vicky.”

3: Joseph Estrada: “That’s all Polk!”

2: Cong. Jose De Venecia: “Reunited with his political career.”

And the No. 1 celebrity epitaph…

1: President Arroyo: “Here lies…”





FAKE

14 08 2008

Lacson vs. Mike Arroyo
Sen. Panfilo Lacson says he is holding back from dropping another bombshell on First Gentleman Mike Arroyo because, as a Christian he is concerned about its effects on Arroyo’s health. I wonder what Lacson’s religion was when the Kuratong Baleleng rubout incident took place.

Lacson vs. Mike Arroyo
Sen. Panfilo Lacson will reportedly drop another bombshell dubbed “Jose Pidal II” on First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo. Mike Defensor will be very busy soon.

El Shaddai Anniversary
Mike Velarde’s El Shaddai Movement is celebrating its 24th anniversary this weekend. In case you wanted to know who’s running or who’s not in 2010, drop by the celebration at the Quirino Grandstand.

Beijing Olympics I
Beijing Olympic organizers admitted that portions of the Beijing Olympic ceremonies last Friday, August 8 were faked. While the opening of the Olympics was being held, Vicki Belo was joined by dozens of Belo endorsers in celebrating the clinic’s 18th anniversary at the Shangri-La Hotel. It wasn’t immediately known which of the two events featured more fakes.

Beijing Olympics II
Beijing Olympic organizers admitted that portions of the Beijing Olympic ceremonies were faked. Even the voice of the cute little girl who sang China’s patriotic song wasn’t really hers. Geographers are checking on rumors the ongoing Olympic Games are actually being held in the Spratlys.

THIS JUST IN…
Following the loss of the much-heralded Pinoy boxer Harry Tañamor to a lightly-regarded pug from Ghana, the Philippine Olympic Committee is inclined to believe reports the man who fought against the Ghanaian was not Tañamor.

Beijing Olympics III
Beijing Olympics organizers admitted faking portions of the opening ceremonies… a revelation that hardly surprised Quiapo vendors who were already selling pirated copies of the Olympics opening a day before it actually opened.





STATE OF THE NATION, A DRESS

26 07 2008

null
GMA’s Sona Attire
Malacañang says President Arroyo will wear an eco-friendly gown when she delivers the State of the Nation Address on Monday. Created by fashion designer JC Buendia, the dress will be a blend of silk and pineapple fibers. Buendia has denied allegations that the gown has been found to contain traces of endosulfan.

GMA’s Sona Attire II
President Arroyo will wear a pink gown when she delivers her 8th State of the Nation Address on Monday. Malacañang dismissed rumors that MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando had a hand in choosing her gown.

null GMA’s Sona Attire III
The president will wear a pink gown when she delivers her SONA on Monday. She has been strongly advised not to walk anywhere near Edsa lest male passersby mistake her for MMDA’s pink urinal.

GMA’s Sona Attire IV
President Arroyo will wear an eco-friendly gown when she delivers her State of the Nation Address on Monday in accordance with her campaign to protect the environment. And to show her concern for the recently reported endangerment and extinction of half of the country’s fauna, she has assured the attendance of the First Gentleman, Dato, Mikey, and Luli Arroyo.

GMA’s Sona Attire V
President Arroyo will wear an eco-friendly gown when she delivers her State of the Nation Address on Monday. With a negative 38 approval rating from a skeptical citizenry, the only friendship she has left is with nature and she’s trying to preserve it.

null
JDV’s Wife and GMA’s Sona
After seven years of attending and applauding President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address, Gina De Venecia, wife of former House speaker Jose de Venecia Jr. will snub the event and join militant groups in the anti-GMA rally on Monday. The situation could be tense but both Mrs. De Venecia’s camp and the leftist groups’ camp have vowed to exercise maximum tolerance… on “kaplastikan.”

JDV’s Wife and GMA’s Sona II
Mrs. Gina De Venecia says she will not attend President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address… mainly because she couldn’t accept the fact that her husband JDV will surely get less TV exposure this time.

JDV’s Wife and GMA’s Sona III
Mrs. Gina De Venecia, wife of ousted House Speaker Jose De Venecia, announced that she would not attend President Arroyo’s State of the Nation Address on Monday. May nagtanong ba?

Pro-Life Rally
Some 12,000 pro-life supporters led by 15 bishops staged a prayer rally in Manila to affirm their commitment to a Vatican decree against artificial birth control. A surprise guest speaker, Manny Pacguiao told the crowd, “Let’s follow God’s teachings… to go forth and multiply.” And then added, “’Wag na Friendster.”

Comelec Rules vs. Miriam null
Dismissing a petition filed by Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the Commission on Elections has ruled that politicians who appear in advertisements, including billboards, and have expressed their intention to run for the 2010 elections are not committing any offence. Unless of course you’re Loren Legarda who has chosen to endorse a fake drug.

null NPA in NCR?
The Communist Party of the Philippines denied that it has deployed NPA rebels in Metro Manila to blow up establishments and assassinate key government officials including the president… which is possibly true because the strength of the NPA rebels has considerably waned, the only enemy they can actually kill are the lowly security guards in Globe cell sites that they love to blow up.

“Katas ng VAT”
President Arroyo launched “Katas ng VAT: Tulong Para Kay Lolo at Lola” in Pasig City yesterday. Some 1,000 elderly poor were the first recipients of the P500 cash gift. The lolos and the lolas couldn’t hide their excitement. They can finally change their week-old diapers.





ENDANGERED SPECIES

22 07 2008

Hungry Filipinos
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 16.3 percent of Filipinos experienced hunger at least once in the past three months. The figure could have been higher if the SWS surveyed those women enrolled at Slimmer’s World, Gold’s Gym, and Fitness First.

ARMM Polls
President Arroyo is supporting a proposal to postpone the August 11 elections in the Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao. Four ARMM lawmakers have also filed a bill to reset the polls. The postponement is seen to “open the highway” for peace, allow negotiations between the government and the MILF, and give some ARMM candidates another chance to abduct and raise additional campaign funds.

null Box-Office Behemoth
Raking in more than $155 million in its opening weekend, The Dark Knight shattered box office records in North America. Inspired by the success of the Heath Ledger–starrer, local producers are coming up with their own superhero movies casting the likes of Royet Padilla, John Regala, Mark Anthony Fernandez, Bernard Palanca and the members of the Gucci Gang as villains.

Solon vs. Sulpicio Exec
Reports say Cavite Rep. Elpidio Barzaga Jr. has called for the arrest of Sulpicio Lines vice president Edgar Go over the shipping firm’s lack of commitment to refloat MV Princess of the Stars. When Go heard the news, he instructed his lawyer to prepare attempted kidnapping charges against the congressman.

null Animals Gone Missing
The Department of Environment and Natural Resources says half of the country’s fauna has become endangered or extinct… with the exception perhaps of the government’s crocodile population, which continues to grow each day.





SULPICIO LINES PRESENTS…

2 07 2008

null
Top 15 Favorite Movies of Sulpicio Lines

15: Dude, Where’s My Body?

14: Dances With Waves

13: Something’s Gotta Grieve

12: There’s Something About Sulpi

11: 20,000 Deaths Under the Sea

10: Hellboat

9: Harry Porter and the Cargo of Endosulfan

8: How To Lose A Guy Relative In Two Days

7: Look Who’s Sinking

6: Sapul, Sulpicio, Saklolo

5: Fantastic For-malin

4: You’ve Got Whale!

3: What Happens in Burias

2: Bukas Lulubog ang mga Tao

And the No. 1 favorite movie of Sulpicio Lines…

1: Four Sinking and A Thousand Funerals





PHENOMENAL PACQUIAO

29 06 2008

Manny Pacquiao Wins

Manny Pacquiao snatched the WBC lightweight title from David Diaz. Diaz reportedly earned 800 thousand dollars from the fight, his biggest paycheck ever. But that’s still nothing compared what GMA 7 & Solar Sports earned.

Mexican-American David Diaz gave no excuses after losing his WBC lightweight title. If Diaz were a Pinoy politician, Pacquiao would now be facing poll fraud allegations.

Filipino boxing hero Manny Pacquiao won his fourth world title yesterday. Pacquiao’s impressive victory has silenced David Diaz, Diaz’ American supporters, the Mexican community, – and Recah Trinidad.

null Postscript to a Sea Tragedy

A day after MV Princess of the Stars sank, Sulpicio Lines blamed the Philippine Coast Guard for the mishap. The next day, the management said it was an “act of God.” Then last Friday, the company was blaming the local weather bureau, PAG-ASA. Surviving relatives of the ill-fated ship’s passengers must prepare: they’re next.

Sulpicio Lines is suing PAG-ASA for gross negligence. If the court dismisses the case, Sulpicio Lines is suing typhoon “Frank.”

Sulpicio Lines has blamed nature, the Philippine Coast Guard, and the weather bureau for the maritime mishap that struck its vessel Princess of the Stars. The company’s so confused it’s blaming everybody. Now that would be much easier if Sulpicio Lines’ owners were leftists. They’ve only got GMA to blame.

Gloria and Obama null

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama sent President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo a letter of apology for being unable to meet with her because of his busy schedule. Simply put, she’s not a priority.

Sen. Barack Obama apologized to President Arroyo for being unable to meet with her. The letter of apology was dated June 24, two days before their expected meeting. Simply put, pinaghandaan talaga ni Obama – ang ‘di nila pagkikita.

null Gloria and McCain

President Arroyo met today with Republican presidential candidate John McCain in Washington DC. The meeting lasted for only about 15 minutes mainly because the 72-year-old McCain has so many other things to do in life with only a few years left here on Earth.

Who’s Your Daddy?!? null

Last week, ABS-CBN chair Eugenio “Gabby” Lopez III said reporter Ces Drilon would still have to face administrative sanction for venturing into forbidden territory in violation of her bosses’ orders. Asked what could be the possible penalty, Lopez answered, “it might just be spanking.” “In that case, I will do it myself.” And we thought Ces has suffered enough at the hands of her captors.

null ABS-CBN chair Gabby Lopez said Ces Drilon would be sanctioned for violating her bosses at the news department. Asked what could be the possible penalty, Lopez answered, “it might just be spanking; I will do it myself.” In another story dismissed by Lopez as totally unrelated, study showed more female employees of ABS-CBN are sanctioned for various offenses than males, 10 to 1.

ABS-CBN Chair Gabby Lopez said Ces Drilon would have to be sanctioned for “endangering the lives of others” in Sulu. See the double standard there? Ces Drilon “endangered” the lives of others and she’ll be punished. Willie Revillame and Wowowee “took” the lives of others and he was rewarded.

Mike Arroyo’s Birthday null

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo celebrated his 62nd birthday in New York on Saturday, June 28 with only his son Mikey and wife, President Arroyo beside him. But he still had so much fun… primarily because he felt he was with a clone and a clown.





TEAM UNITY RETURNS

1 05 2008

null Cabinet Revamp

The reported impending appointment of defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay to the Bureau of Customs has received a lot of flak. Critics say the president must appoint someone who really knows smuggling and the operation of smugglers. Malacañang agrees. The problem is – can the president appoint her husband?

null Cabinet Revamp II

Last year, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Lito Atienza was appointed environment secretary. Recent reports say defeated senatorial candidate Mike Defensor will be the next press secretary, defeated senatorial candidate Prospero Pichay the next chief of the Bureau of Customs, and defeated senatorial candidate Tito Sotto the next chair of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Yet another defeated senatorial candidate Tessie Aquino-Oreta is reportedly being eyed as the next DepEd secretary. If this trend continues, President Arroyo will soon lead a cabinet of losers.

Cabinet Revamp III

Unconfirmed reports say Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye will be replaced by defeated senatorial candidate Michael Defensor. But Bunye has nothing to worry about. According to the grapevine, he’s being groomed to replace Edu Manzano as Optical Media Board chairman – primarily due to his ability to identify fake from original tapes.

Wage Hike and the CBCP

The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has joined labor groups in demanding a wage hike for Filipino workers. The Catholic Church’ call was fueled by the alleged shortfall in collected donations from parishioners recently.

Injured, Again

For the umpteenth time, the military reported that Abu Sayyaf leader Isnilon Hapilon has been wounded following a gunbattle. If I were to believe AFP’s claim, I’d really pity this Hapilon guy. He must be a walking scar by now. (Pang-ilan na bang “wounded” report ‘yan? I’ve lost count.)

null Botched Surgery

Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan are facing a P26-million lawsuit filed by a Filipino-American who accused the couple of botching a penis enlargement procedure. Patient Louem Martinez a.k.a. Louem Boschuk claimed his penis sagged and was badly deformed after the operation. He is now seeking 20 million pesos in actual damages, 3 million pesos in moral damages, and another 3 million pesos in exemplary damages… officially making his manhood the ugliest but most expensive Filipino cock ever.





SUPER GLO!

14 04 2008

null Emergency Powers for GMA

La Union Rep. Thomas Dumpit Jr., a neophyte administration ally in the Lower House, filed a resolution seeking to grant President Arroyo “emergency powers” to immediately and effectively address the food crisis. A devout Catholic, Congressman Dumpit is hopeful that the “powers” would help the equally religious President Arroyo to turn ants into rice grains, and stones into pan de sal. (If that happens, expect her satisfaction rating to shoot up to 100 %!)

Wage Hike

President Arroyo on Monday said she wanted the minimum wages across the country raised. Mrs. Arroyo made the decision over the weekend just seconds after learning that Haiti’s Prime Minister Jacques Edouard Alexis was ousted over the rising food cost in the impoverished country.

null Income Tax Returns

Today, April 15, 2008 is the last day for the filing of income tax returns… otherwise known as Dishonesty Promotion Day.

null Disinherited

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has filed a case in court contesting her being disinherited from the estate of her late multi-millionaire aunt and high-society icon, Consuelo “Chito” Madrigal-Collantes. Just when we thought that only her Senate colleagues have a loathing for her…

Disinherited II

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has filed a case in court after being disinherited from the multi-million estate of high-society icon Chito Madrigal-Collantes who died very recently. Close friends of the senator tend to believe persistent rumors that the late octogenarian socialite was homophobic.

DJ Montano and Brian Gorrell null

Delfin Justiniano “DJ” Ocampo Montano appeared on Korina Sanchez’ ANC show recently and strongly denied all the allegations raised by ex-boyfriend Australian blogger Brian Gorrell. From drug use to swindling to his knowledge of the mysterious death of a Tantoco scion, he denied everything. In fact, rumor has it he’s appearing again on another Korina Today episode just to deny that he’s gay and that he knew Brian Gorrell.








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